How to Be Less Emotionally Reactive: Black and White Thinking
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- Опубликовано: 31 май 2024
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Black-and-white thinking is when you take a situation and think about it in an extreme way, you push out all the nuance and turn it into something as intense as possible. You can usually recognize it when you use words like “Always, Never, Perfect, Terrible, Everything, Everyone, Nothing, Nobody, Worst, or Best. The Arbinger Institute calls these “Horribilizations” You take something and horriblize it.
Notice how in these situations, black and white thinking exaggerates the situation.
A husband says to his wife: “You NEVER do the dishes! I ALWAYS have to clean up after you!”
Depressed Young Adult: “EVERYthing is awful. The world is a TERRIBLE place. Climate change is HOPELESS. I’ll NEVER be able to succeed. I’m NO good at math”
Someone at work: My boss is the WORST communicator.
A young mother: “I’m just a TERRIBLE person” or “She has it ALL together, she’s such a SAINT”
Each time, the person takes a difficult situation and makes it horrible. They use the most extreme word. Never. Always. Everything. Hopeless. Terrible.
The more extreme your thinking, the more intense your emotions will be, and the more likely you are to be depressed or anxious. But Black and White thinking also makes you helpless to escape that depression or anxiety. And it’s a lie. When you use B&W thinking, you are usually distorting nuanced reality by ignoring the good and exaggerating the bad. You’re lying.
If it’s so awful, why do we do it?
You subconsciously like black and white thinking because it serves a function in the short term. And like a drug, it makes you suffer in the long term. So what function does it serve?
00:00 Introduction to Emotional Reactivity
00:38 How to Identify Black and White Thinking
02:36 Why do we "like" black and white thinking?
05:52 How to be less emotionally reactive
06:15 How to reframe black and white thinking
07:10 How to think in the gray
10:15 summary of how to be less emotionally reactive
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Therapy in a Nutshell and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.
In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.
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This literally popped up in my notifications while I was fully raging about something. My feelings were definitely justified, but I'm tired of reacting in ways that feel harmful to my inner well-being. I've gotten much better, but I clearly have work to do. Thank you for all that you provide to those who are struggling, yet trying to do better. 💛
Stay strong I do the same
Noticing it.
Then wanting to change.
For your benefit.
Definitely a good path.
@@Scoupe400 Nice poem!
I had an aha moment recently about emotions, specifically anger in my case. The emotion is just a signal telling you something is wrong, like a boundary is being crossed. If you can understand what the emotion is trying to convey to you, it becomes pretty easy to deal with the issue and not get carried away with the emotion.
My toddlers meltdowns get to me ugh
Things get complicated when you grew up second guessing yourself because you were gaslighted a lot so now you end up getting very black and white in arguments because thinking in grey feels like gaslighting and second guessing. And I think a lot of my black and white thinking also comes from self protection because I don't feel like I can trust people, and I have tried to reach my own high expectations for so long that I don't even trust myself and it really hurts to try and "fail" or trust and get rejected or let down. But black and white thinking never feels good. I just feel constantly stuck and I am aware that I am difficult to live with and it triggers even more shame and I just want to withdraw even more because it adds to the narrative that I'm bad or I can't trust people to be able to tolerate me.
I was thinking the very same thing while watching it. Very similar experience to what you describe (and I'm also a redhead :^). I have worked super hard over the last year to finally reconnect to who I really am and learn to trust myself. It's essential for your healing for you to be able to say "this was not my fault, someone did this to me" and yes, maybe they did it because of their own trauma, but that's theirs to deal with. By the way, I have found the Internal Family Systems approach to be invaluable for reconnecting to myself and addressing my triggers. Just mentioning it in case it's also useful for you.
THISSSS
So-I’m struggling tonight and have dealt with ideation due to trauma and other crap and that’s pretty much where I was at tonight. My therapist recommended this video as we identified this as a thinking error. It’s largely based around teaching from Dr. David Burns who wrote “Feeling Good”. I logically understand the concepts and can completely digest and comprehend the theory/theories.. however, just as (how I heard/interpreted) you noted-this thinking NEVER feels good. There is no satisfaction or validation. IThe struggle is noting it-recognizing when it happens, working it out according to all the sheets and still ending up feeling no different than where I started. The discouragement is palpable.
You put into words things I have been trying to figure out how to relay to my therapist so candidly, thoughtfully and clearly explained. I really needed help with that so seriously, thank you so much.
This sounds so much like me! I don’t think there’s anything wrong with being guarded around people. That’s probably healthier than not being guarded at all, like what I struggle with lol. I tend to meet people and assume they’re all good, so when they do something I see as bad, I think oh they’re such bad people. That’s when I become guarded. I’ve learned now that - they’re just them, I’m just me, we’re all just trying to get through life the only way we know how. We’re all on the same boat, so let’s just chill. It doesn’t mean to let your guard down, but just realize that they’re people too - with flaws, their own issues, motives, opinions, day to day businesses. I think you may feel you can’t trust people because you can’t control them - at least that’s how I used to feel. But coming to accept that is a really freeing moment. So even when they disappoint you, you can say it’s okay and move on because they probably just had their own reasons.
Same for having high expectations for yourself and failing. I learned that the hard way and fell into a dark place for two years where I didn’t land the college or job that I wanted. When I came out of that hole, I realized that I COULD be satisfied in a “mediocre” place too, at least I would’ve called it mediocre back then. Now it’s my happy place, because I’ve come to terms that I set high expectations thinking the others were unacceptable or pathetic(in a sense), but now I’m in that “pathetic” place and you know, it’s not as bad as my parents made it out to be. It’s not the “black” extreme side, it’s just another place. Things are what you make them out to be. So, I’d say, yes, set life goals, but not as if they’re high expectations. Just think of them as things you want to accomplish. Setting them on some pedestal will make them feel unreachable and you’ll be disappointed if you don’t reach them. But setting goals on the horizon - now those are just in the distance, and you can take steps to get there. :)
Same. Also a redhead.
Some takeaways: be solution oriented rather than choosing to be helpless. Honesty. Self-accountability. Thank you.
In my first year of marriage my partner and I noticed we would get into arguments and use words like "you always do this" or "you never do that" and it never helped the situation.
So we promised each other to ban these words. And it actually took practice to get out of the habit! But we stuck to it and it made a real positive change.
I tend to think in black and white. I’ve always been it’s all or nothing. I didn’t realize that thinking this way increases your anxiety….which now I see how it can. Thank you for this.
"I've ALWAYS been it's all or nothing" 🙂 Did you say that deliberately?! (Good luck, just teasing!)
I'm that person also.
@@AnnoulaXeni Good insight 👍🏻....don t think it was intentional
I need to check myself when I fall into black and white thinking. Perhaps the answer is to write down every gray in between.
I'm not that person. I always see the gray areas, but some things are black and white, and it seems to me that choking them down would be a lot more detrimental then calling them what they are. There is such a thing as righteous anger.
“Believing that your boss is terrible is a mental habit to excuse yourself from work” ok you didn’t have to call me out like that
My boyfriend is more emotionally stable than I am and I just feel bad all the time for crying over stupid stuff whether it’s the smallest comment or a minor inconvenience in my day. I want to get better at managing my emotions and feeling things less deep than I do if that makes sense.
I feel you 😢❤️🩹
im doing the same
I do the same gurllllll
I’ve been in therapy and support groups for several years now trying to learn how to stop my emotions that are so extremely intense…it’s constant work everyday…I also had a dysfunctional abusive childhood and experiences a lot of trauma…I’m a very highly sensitive person and yes I’ve came along way, I really have but it will always be challenging…when a person has acted the same way almost their entire life, it’s hard to retrain the brain and emotional responses. The first step was developing self awareness…and was willing to be honest about my behaviors without that change won’t happen! Don’t give up! ❤
I have the same problem.
Reframing can be damaging when dealing with a narcissist. You start to create positive reasons about them that talk you out of getting away from the abuse.
I agree. It’s a great video, but this is not the one for me and he would not be interested in growing from it.
Exactly some things are really black and white and some aren’t lol! It’s the ability to differentiate between the two, that’s the issue.
So, this is just to offer some prespective on how nuanced thinking could still help someone deal with and leave a narcicist or even learn to heal from a narcicist ex and you might totally disagree but that's okay.
(To be clear. I'll say "you" a lot here but I'm just meaning you as in anyone really)
Firstly the nuanced thinking might not need to be on whether or not they're actions/words hurt you and are toxic for you as that is probably pretty clear they did and if you're being "honest" then it probably will be that they are wrong for you and all the pain they've caused you is very real!
However the nuance might be calming yourself through emotional reactivity to realise that actually you are wasting your energy arguing with them. Or it may be challenging your own negative self-perception to realise you're not the problem, it's them and remove the black-and-white belief that they're always right and thoughts that may occur such as "I'm just useless/hopeless/stupid" which they might have triggered you to believe. Or it might be that you realise you are engaging with them in a way that triggers their narcicistic behaviour (maybe you're not assertive enough or too assertive or criticising them triggers certain behaviour) so you then you have the information on how to avoid certain situations if you can't leave them yet (I mean we're hoping that's aim; to leave but sometimes you need time to build the strength to plan a departure) or you yourself might feel societal shame in leaving them that you can "never hold down a relationship" or "it would be terrible to be seen having a fallout" which is more black-and-white thinking you may have and that ultimately the best thing is in fact to walk away! Finally when healing it may be realising that they are in fact a hurt scared inner child and whilst you still need to get away from them you might reframe them afterwards not as someone who is the "worst person ever" and instead someone who you were hurt by and doesn't have the skills to deal with adult life but you still ultimately choose to leave and block out of your life for your own health and that may be easier for some people's recovery too as it help you let go of the pain if you're seeing the human rather than the narcicist.
So I would argue that nuanced thinking could actually A. Help you identify a narcicist sooner and B. Help you realise that the relationship (whatever kind of relationship it is) isn't working for you and you need to cut them out.
That's not to say any of this applies to you or that you need to thinking this way to be clear but just to point out examples of how this thinking could be considered nuanced and less emotionally reactive. I think it's really to do with how the conclusion is reached rather than the conclusion itself. Nuanced thinking can still involve you realising that someone is a huge red flag that you need to get away from them and maybe see past limiting beliefs that may stop you from seeing that.
@@jd_music23 this was a really, really helpful reframe. I have people who have been harming me in my life and although this video has a really great advice, it’s tricky when I try to apply it to my situation. But your examples of how nuanced thinking could help with narcissists helps. Thank you!
So then dont deal with narcissists. Leave.
I do this all the time. I’ve actually been accused of overusing extreme language to express my dissatisfaction and it really bothers my boyfriend. Sometimes I notice he doesn’t respond for one minute and suddenly I assume he hates me and I tell him he “never” replies to me or is “always” away or “always” chooses others over me. but in reality, it’s just my rejection sensitivity and fear of losing him rising to the surface.
I grew up with a very, VERY unstable family where people would spontaneously combust over nothing (or very trivial triggers) and blow up for a few minutes to maybe an hour then simmer down in the same day. It’s been so intense cops have been called here. I’ve witnessed the most tumultuous ups and downs from my family members since I was a child and I suspect I adopted similar behavior, which sucks.
Once I feel something is wrong or I’ve been hurt by somebody, I feel like the victim, like it’s the end and everything sucks and it usually dissipates within the same day, though recalling it will allow for it to linger.
Thanks for this video! As somebody with severe trauma (from my family as well as things outside them), rejection sensitivity, anxiety, self esteem issues, you name it… my emotional dysregulation has undoubtedly sabotaged my close relationships and opportunities in life. I wish I could see things more objectively and practice patience, cause if I don’t get instant gratification, I often assume the worst and start reading minds to justify my horribilizations.
Same here
very well put and relatable
Absolutely same, but also the mind reading becomes a source of anxiety in itself and makes me fear that people will withdraw because I kind of assumed the worst of them... just trying to make people think that me fearing they hate me has actually very little to do with them lol
Wow I related to all of this a lil too much haha good to know I’m not alone
@@love_and_protection_9993 hi welcome to the club I hope we all get to leave again someday 😂
My roommate once told me I think in color, but most people think black and white. I didn’t understand quite what she meant then, but after watching this do. Thinking in “color” is beautiful AND stressful. I always feel like I’m in the middle because I understand where the other person is coming from, and all they see is white or black.
Always?
Thinking in color is a great way of putting it. I tend to be under reactive for just that reason. I see the whole picture while the folks raging are focused on one triggering piece of the puzzle.
For the same reason, I'm very slow to anger or feeling hurt, because I generally take a step back for perspective. It's definitely something we can all learn by noticing when our thoughts are extreme or negative (we can all fall into a victim/self pity mindset when we're highly stressed) and taking the time to question those absolutes until they become more realistic & positive thoughts. It's just like any other habit that requires patience & practice.
@@lemurpotatoes7988 😂
@Lawreca
I'm so the same, thank you for putting words to it so well! ☺️
@@lemurpotatoes7988 YES!
I used black and white thinking to leave my abusive partner. And I continue to use it nearly three years later when I catch myself slipping wondering if I made the right choice. I did make the right choice.
The best choice!
The BEST CHOICE
Well, I guess in that case it's better to keep the black and white thinking. As in "that person was the worst choice for me and I should never get back in touch with them!" Because it's true in that case.
I love this person AND I need to leave them permanently for my own safety.
I want to make the relationship work AND i see continual red flags that make it abundantly clear it’s time to leave them for good.
I’m going to miss this person AND it will be the best decision of my life.
It will be expensive and scary AND it will be worth it.
I don’t feel worthy to leave AND I feel I deserve better.
Tried that. Telling them my frustration for lying to me. Instead I was accused of playing victim, being blamed for something else etc, rather than taking accountability
narcissisim
You can't treat reality, yourself, and others like one-sided caricatures. Personally speaking, I find one of my anger triggers is when someone paints me only using my negatives without any regard for the positives. I then accept their skewed verdict and accept the emotion of self-hate. Thank you so much for this video. It really gave me a lot to think about. You are really good at what you do.
Gosh. Same. I hate it. Hopefully we'll get better.
God, me too. I had a boss who is young, energetic, sharp, and obviously used to being in charge. I was raised in an abusive household with a cult-life religion that emphasized black and white thinking. You're going to heaven or you're going to hell. You're a good girl or a whore. There was no in-between and this boss's disparaging attitude toward me is something I still fight in my head all the time. It's exhausting.
omg yes! i thought it was just me
I grew up with a parent who expressed verbally black and white thinking, and made it hard to think outside of that trap, and it took awhile to learn that there are other options/ways of thinking. Even though I could tell both my parent and I were aware of nuances, we weren’t yet equipped with the verbal skills to express them. I am much better now with this thank goodness, and can overcome helplessness.
I'm in this boat as well. Being raised by someone who is dominated by black n white thinking makes it hard to see grey in the world, but it's definitely possible once we catch ourselves doing it.
I tend to be a black and white thinker. Ugh..I don't want to be. I also have lots of trauma and not much trust, due to legit reasons. It's so hard to work your way out of this.
@@jennifermiller5041 its ok to keep the circle small
even if most people are definetly grey, doesnt mean they are good for us
a few trsuted uplifting people are enough, rest can be filled with friendship to oneself
went from social butterfly to loner, but recovering. the right people find you, when you are stepping in the right direction!
I needed this. Been struggling lately with a vicious cycle of magnifying my feelings and being overwhelmed, which leads me to feel the bad things more. Thank you so much!
Me too ❤
My issue is much more inner than outer. My extreme emotional response is when someone accuses me or challenges me or bothering me when I'm all socialized out. I try to hold in the emotion and be polite but they won't stop, won't listen, won't let me escape. I keep trying to mask myself until I explode in either anger or tears. I don't deal well with conflict at all and I generally end up having an unreasonable emotional response. And to the outside view its sudden and out of nowhere, where I've just lost this great war of social propriety against my own panic
Oh, I can relate to that so well!!
I relate to this. I'm holding it in too. So then when I react it looks like it just happened out of the blue. But it's been moving towards a volcanic eruption inside of me for hours or days.
Hi!!! Are you me???
i face similair struggles
i think i, for myself dont connect enough/have overgone something when that happens
i am well prepared for a lot of situations, but sometimes the battery is empty and THEN. its hard to to, especially if life throws challenges your way when you try to retreat
but it surely can be done
we can do it!
Have a journal at hand or your memo voice app. And start venting on it. Everything you would like to say. The act of writing will calm you.
Then, go to the person and request that you’d like to read them something. And read what you wrote.
The more you do it, the less you’ll need your journal to express your emotions.
Could you do a video from the other side? What are the best ways to respond to someone who is emotionally reactive when you aren't (or at least are striving not to be)? Any tips for healthy conflict?
Yes! I would love some help with this as well. Thank you
I would love this video to be made as well
Yes please!
As an aspie adult, it's actually difficult for me to become emotional, even when I try, so when my wife and I fight about something, I typically stay collected and can be more nuanced about what's being said, vs her who reacts very emotionally and uses superlative terms like "always" etc. So what I do is simply identify when we're past the point where she's no longer engaged in the argument factually and I just tell her that I'd like to remove myself from the scene. Of course in the moment she gets upset about that too, but it takes only a few minutes of her having a bit of space and she cools enough to start thinking about the issue clearly again, without the overwhelming emotions. I think as the person who stays more cool headed it's the best thing you can do.
Love this idea!
This video should be titled black and white thinking, not how to be less reactive. I generally don't exaggerate or think in absolutes, yet I still have moments where I have a very strong reaction that makes me tremble with anger or anxiety. This video is also pretty black and white, assuming that all emotionally reactive people are lazy and/or hyperbolic.
As a therapist myself, I truly appreciate your ability to provide such thorough and helpful psycho-ed in a way that is going to be more digestible for viewers than clinical speak. 😊 Thank you !
Agreed
I catch myself doing this often while I’m driving. I’ll see a car with a fancy trailer attached to it or some thing and I’ll say boy, everybody has a nicer camper than me. Or I’ll hit one red light and think oh no, I’m hitting every red light today. But then I will laugh at myself and bring myself back to earth. Thank you for this, it is very helpful.🎉
This lady truly deserves her more than a million subscribers, doesn't she?:)
1.21 million is a lot to me! I liked the video and don't understand why the need for ads if she privately practices. Maybe better help is legit and the doctors can give out FMLA; I dunno.
@@PrestoJacobson well, some extra money is always good. Besides, she spends time for making videos so why to reject being paid for them?
@@helenivanova5440 true, it's a problem with most video creators, like Alex the Analyst.
@@PrestoJacobson you mean, ads are problem? Well, maybe some options exist when you can pay a bit money and don't see irritating ads...I don't know, i live in Russia, so because of all sanctions, restrictions and prohibitions we don't see ads anyway.
She deserves her subscribers cause she's wants to help people. She's helped me figure out a lot of things and traumas that had me stuck in life. If it weren't for people like her, seriously I don't know where I'd be. So thank you for all you share with us!
Wow! This was seriously useful, since I’m a classic black & white thinker. I was able to instantly see how these less reactive strategies can result in a richer, softer, happier, more loving experience of life.
My emotions are constantly pushing me around like I’m their bitch. Everything negative that happens is an identity crisis where I question what kind of person I am (because I did this, that makes me THIS kind of person), and the way people view me or the way I think people view me, becomes how I view myself. So my mind becomes a roller coaster. Not sure how to overcome this. I’m tired of being tired.
samedt!!! i even dream in this behaviour no joke...terrible nightmares and waking life😂
This was a while ago so I don’t know if you’ve made progress or not but I used to be the same way. I was so depressed in junior high and high school and would always react so angrily to everything, I’d scream and yell and would get so angry and have no self control.
If you’re on birth control I’d recommend against one that has estrogen cause it magnifies your emotions, also I started writing in a positivity journal, so I only write things I’m grateful for or positive things about other people. And be specific if you do this, like I was grateful so and so said this to me today, or something like that.
It’s hard at first but you’re exercising your brain to think positively more often. Another thing that’s helped me a lot is God, reading his scriptures and praying to him has helped me so much to become stronger and have more self control.
Also therapy! I don’t know if you can afford it but find a therapist and pushes you, not one of those cushy ones that just agrees with everything you say.
I love the idea of being specific. When we dig into the situation we realize that there wasn’t a serious problem and we are only exaggerating and overreacting. Plus it takes time and it cools us down.
I don't think I use black and white thinking to excuse myself as I always try to find solutions to my problems. It's not always the case so I don't think it's accurate to say that people do that as an excuse. I do that because that's how I was raised, unfortunately and I have BPD but it never feels good to me. But I try to challenge my thoughts.
I’m 32 now and over past five years since lots of loss and stress (step father / bio father/ and sister passed on and moving twice); long story short: my patience to not get irritated and annoyed then upset so fast has been severely tested . Been praying also to have my patience, kindness and empathy to grow. And forgiveness as well for hurt I’ve caused even if unintentional or unknowingly.
best wishes to you!
Omg in years of counselling and therapy I have never had a therapist actually break down why black and white thinking is so difficult to break out of before and why it’s so bad in the long term. This is incredible. Thank you!
Oh my. I’ve been recognizing my black and white thinking ever since I’ve been an adult. I’ve been like this my whole life. Only recently have I started noticing this frame of thinking was damaging. A driver who cuts me off is an idiot. Someone said something thoughtless - never want to be friends with HIM. Even my “whites” were extreme, things were “so amazing/completely awesome” etc. just so reactive.
This video is so helpful. Take a deep breath and slow yourself down. ❤❤
I cannot even describe how thankful I am to have you being part of my life. You helped me tremendously..
I think anyone who's trying to successfully live beyond survival mode needs to hear this. It certainly hit deep for me thanks so much.
This video was in my recommendations, I hadn’t watched anything like it before but I am so grateful it popped up. I just realised how emotionally reactive I am. I’m constantly saying “I have no time, I am literally so busy every hour that I’m awake,” etc. I also get so worked up whenever I need to do something like a presentation or a class that, when I’m finished, I feel so relieved it almost feels like I’m surprised that I survived it, like I convinced myself that doing something like a presentation or running a class will literally kill me. My emotions are so extreme, there really is no grey area, but I’m so thankful I just watched this and will definitely try to catch myself anytime I start using black and white thinking. Thanks for the video!
What do we do if we’re dealing with being bullied? How should we categorize people who do awful things? I’m not talking about not cleaning up after themselves or not communicating.
Not sure but that sounds hard to deal with being bullied. I'd guess it depends but maybe categorize their actions instead of leveling them, just the actions they're doing or saying. And like she said don't black and white yourself putting yourself down too, you're just doing your best. As far as what actions to take to reduce stop or somehow cope with the bullying , I don't know. I hope maybe you can talk to someone about it And get some help. I can listen here if you need. Best of luck noone deserves to be bullied
Labeling them**
@@eminemilly I could've done without her smugness with her saying "You poor thing" and her video.
As Eckhart Tolle says, stay in the present moment with awareness that observes but does not identify with the thoughts and emotions that arise from them and also with the realization that they are being produced by the fears and insecurities of the ego.
This is fine if you are overreacting to trivial stressors. Not useful if you have actually been traumatized and your despair is an accurate response to what has happened.
I don’t even think when I am mad .. how it’s possible to think all this and react 😞
I know I have some sort of ptsd/trauma because when people insult me or degrade me, I explode inside and start to shake really bad. The same thing happens with people lying and putting it off on me or blaming me for something they did when there is no proof. Drives me crazy.
@Xiene yes I watch her occasionally
I didn't know that my reactivity comes from black and white thinking. Thank you very much for this video! I appreciate the sheet to download. 50% less reactive sounds great to me.
I'm working on my black/white thinking about black/white thinking. It's been an eye opening journey to discover how tuned into having to be "being right" all the time and how people (family, friends, co workers, etc.) react to me when I'm in this mode of thinking. When I get distance from the thought patterns and take responsibility for them, I can see how that insecurity of needing approval can be insidious. I'm also getting better at seeing these behaviors in others and I can not take it personally...even when others are doing their best to make it personal.
This came up on my feed when I was intensely raging and crying out in response to something. And although, my feelings aren't unjustified, I need to work on not getting carried away by this black/white thinking pattern. It only makes matters extremely worse for me and everyone else around me. Thank you for these videos.
This is SO very helpful for those of us raised by parents who were severely traumatized themselves, parents who might today be diagnosed with any (or all) of the following: narcissistic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, rage, depression... Being raised by such dysregulated and extremely emotional and negative people gets us started in the womb (literally, both energetically and chemically) and then trains us in this kind of thinking and feeling for as many years as we stay in the home. It's a lot to overcome and rewire, but BW thinking is definitely the place to start. Thank you SO much for your videos!
I have noticed that I become extremely impulsive with anger when I'm in a hurry, usually after I've been procrastinating. I have an ADHD diagnosis and no longer take medications for personal reasons. I don't really use the words you mention often since I had gone through CBT and learned, for the most part, to stop those thinking traps. My mind goes into blaming others and for some reason I become ultra sensitive to noises, especially repetitive sounds/speech(like alarms, beeps from messages, a movie that has not yet been started and repeating the same tune, hearing repetitive small talk when I'm busy and don't care to talk). Once I get annoyed under stressed circumstances whether it be from hormones or running behind and wanting to shut down the distractions, it's very difficult to talk myself down. The best thing to prevent me from feeling intense rage is to acknowledge that I am not perfect and it's okay to be human, I got behind or screwed up and I just have to slow down and accept where I am and what i need to do and trying to use my adrenaline as motivation will hurt myself and others most of the time. I have just recently realized that my reactions to not reacting when angered by noises feels exactly like intense withdrawal symptoms that i had gone through when quitting smoking, or that feeling of need that i feel when fasting I feel like i use adrenaline as some kind of angry motivation to push myself. I believe reacting to anger is a habit/addiction that is necessary to withdrawal from. Anger adrenaline works, but it makes me feel like crap. Sometimes I'll make clicking sounds to distract myself from noises or turn on white noise. I have learned to deal so much better than in the past. I have much better self control. I still have a bad habit of procrastination but I don't explode and feel like people are purposefully wanting to cause me more issues. I accept accountability for what I am aware of within myself. I share these things because I have searched for answers and understanding and would like to share my experiences to contribute to the knowledge given here in this video. Thank you for your videos.
I could relate to this SO much-I wasn’t even into the second sentence yet and was already wondering “does this person have ADHD?”, bc I do too and this all sounds like me.
Haha wow are you me…??
@@notdolgutz9728 maybe an extension? Lol
@@katievilichay2359 I'm sorry you get it, lol
The part where you mentioned our ancestors reminded me of this quote that I read recently
'' Everything that we feel inside has a charge, a frequency, so what we call the “negative qualities” or the distortions, they also have a charge. They are almost like a habit that we have. '' - Andrew Kenneth Fretwell (from his book Emotional Alchemy: The Love and Freedom Hidden Within Painful Feelings)
As someone with BPD and MDD who does this black and white thinking non stop - this is SO helpful! I took a ton of notes and adding this to my treatment plan❤
I have thought of this pattern in terms of the distortion of overgeneralization. It can really become a habit that keeps screwing up perception for me. I catch it quite easily in watching other people but I’m aware I talk to myself like this too often and dig an emotional hole for myself.
This was an interesting way of addressing emotional reactivity.
In contrast to this, I find it amazing how so much of social media actually trains this “black and white” thinking.
I am thankful that there are human beings like yourself who are helping others become more aware of their thoughts and emotions. It is very much needed in today’s world 🤗
I just finished cosmetology school and I applied for my first job in a salon. They were taking a while, but they did want to give me a job offer. In my excitement I fell into this black and white line of thinking. "If they wanted to give me a job why is it taking so long? Surely they can't be serious about hiring me?" Long story short instead of relaxing I "reacted" my way out of that job haha!! It's okay though because I'm recognizing these behaviors for what they are and I have another interview today. 😄 lol thanks for the great video, all the examples you gave really helped! 🥰🥰🥰
Sometimes what we need to do is to REACT. Do not forget that as well.
This girl has her knowledge and understanding down! This black and white issue is something many people really struggle with, and she puts this so clearly, simply, and with things you can do to get better. Thank you for these AMAZING videos!!!
She’s a woman and a Licensed Therapist - not a “girl”.
This helped me realise the size of this black and white thinking thing (but trying to be balanced with that too). How quickly I use extremes (and times I've tried to prevent my wife from doing the same thing), and therefore to be aware of what I allow myself to think and say.
One ray of hope I have for others who struggle with this, is that even though being brutally honest hurts in the short term, it also feels weirdly good. You get to enjoy the feeling of doing the right thing and trying to be a good person. It takes osme getting used to but it's a way to feel better after something bad happens that doesn't rely on blacka and white thinking.
I think I needed this information nowadays. I often get into stressful situations where I think people don't respect my boundaries. I think being stressed tempts me to use black and white thinking more.
I think I have a hard time vocalizing/articulating my perspective and being more assertive.
I know this is how I operate at times. Happy to see this video.
“How you perceive reality“ such a good phrase.
I wonder if one reason for black and white thinking is to make us feel justified in the intensity of our emotions. I understand that the black and white thinking itself may increase emotional intensity but I wonder if sometimes if we pushed ourselves to be more nuanced in phrasing reality then we could end up feeling inappropriate for "being so upset" or not getting over it. Feeling like we are not mature / "adult" enough with our emotions.
It’s so hard to catch yourself doing this! It comes so naturally especially when you’re in your feelings
This is one of the most life changing things I've heard in long time, for people who are ready to take responsibility. Thank you
I have been practising the Mindfulness of Breathing technique ruclips.net/user/postUgkxIIDVgnLN8pF_fPOyoZ1nTjbLvvZcib6r as taught in this CD for about 2 years having read about it in Paramananda's Change Your Mind book and taken a real liking to it. However at times I struggle to remain focused on the breathing and thought that at such times this guided version might suit me. So after two years I finally decided to buy it! The first 7'24 of Track 1 of the CD is a body relaxtion which I do not use: I don't like body relaxation techniques and I find 27' just a little too long for meditation. The remaining 20' of gentle, guided meditation helps me tremendously to relax and stay focused. I find him's voice very soothing and whilst he is present to guide you through the 4 stages of the meditation, his presence is not intrusive or distracting. For the past two years I have tried to follow this technique as best I can with gentle meditation music despite music not being recommended. Having used this CD a couple of times I think I will try from now on to adopt a new routine of no music and just this CD as I find it so helpful. I realise now that the music really is distracting and I have enjoyed listening to the ambient sounds around me which I am normally unaware of. I can not comment on the other 2 tracks of Metta or Walking Meditation as I bought the CD solely to help me with the Mindfulness of Breathing and it does just that - very effectively. In my opinion this CD is money very well spent as it will guide you through a thoroughly useful and beneficial meditation technique and I don't think you can put a price on that.
Not another Better Help promo by a better mental health facilitator... Don't wee all know better by now? Surely we've heard the horror stories of their terms and conditions and how they're really not a great place for people seeking honest and safe healing. Other than that, great video! Thanks so much for this... Sharing with sibling who also is working on accountability :")
Something that has had a huge impact for me has been creating a relationship with my inner child with help from the “homecoming” book. When i get triggered i let my inner child vent and say everything she wants to say including bw thinking then i help her feel heard and comforted. Then POOF i feel calm and can face the situation with clarity because i felt acknowledged. Just being “honest” with myself with out feeling acknowledged… well i just never had the strength to overcome my triggers with that approach. But i still find this information very valuable!!
I actually screenshot your comment, just like you are someone in group therapy with me and this input registers clear to my toes. Thank you! I read one of John Bradshaw's books close to 40 yrs ago now. I've never read Homecoming. This is the 2nd time I've seen it referenced in 5 days. Hmmm. I was emotionally abandoned throughout my childhood. So it's easy for me to abandon people places and things as a result. I will forget that about what my inner child knows and does! Then those regrets just break my mature person's heart. I hate myself for all those times I didn't wait for more I had information and just got out, or left. There's one big one that changed the course of my life. It still kills me and I still punish a little child (me) for only knowing how to discard because she was discarded. So thanks.🙏🏼 (I'm in 12 Step recovery now).
Awesome reply. You put something into words for me that I’ve never been able to adequately express. Thank you
@@wendi2819 Aw i'm glad someone benefited from my comment that's what i was hoping! definitely check out the book and take the time to do the meditations and writing your inner child needs this! and also check out @patrickteahan his channel has amazing stuff on inner child work. Take care!
This is why as someone with adhd I get upset when people make excuses with it. There are reasons. But there’s a lot I can do to help myself and recognize what’s going on.
You rescue me from myself. Hang off every word. Adore you ❤❤❤.
On the part of "both/and" recommendation, how do you distinguish / protect yourself against self-gaslighting or second guessing yourself?
I think it will also be helpful to balance this with advice on setting healthy boundaries.
if you are facing idiots every day it is very difficult to not snap sometimes if those idiots are affecting your work routine.
The RUclips algorithm is listening. And I thank you. This is me and I know it. It’s a work in progress to deal with it. Not fast enough for my husband or me for that matter but it is a forward progression, mostly
Exactly what I’ve been saying. Past couple of years I made the decision to stop using these words because you get into the habit of making generalized statements about situations or people. Life has a lot of gray area let’s not live in the extremes of black and white.
I think it's clear that i needed to watch this since my first reaction was "oh, god, i'm ALWAYS doing this..." !!! It's really useful to have some clear, simple steps to follow. Your videos help me a lot. Thank you.
🤣
Thank you for this. I have depression and have always had a black and white viewpoint, but I didn't recognize it until now. I will work on being more specific and truthful.
Loads of clarity
...thank you 😊
Emma, I just wanted to say that it's thanks to you and to your videos that I decided to try therapy (through BetterHelp) and it did help me a lot! I am still on it and still progressing, I've been doing it for around 3 months now. I was afraid to try it and I started watching your videos as a substitute to therapy, but then I decided to try therapy and I am so glad I did. So I just wanted to thank you for helping me make this important step in my life.
That's wonderful 😊. Wishing you much success in your healing ❤️ 🙏🏽 . Therapy can be really awesome!!!
I love your videos so much. I find them very helpful. Could you please also make a video about dealing with impulsivity? I struggle with that a lot. I say and do things that I end up regretting and it puts a lot of strain on my relationships. Also could you please also make a video about not becoming jealous? Much love from Germany :)
Can I give you a starting point to start your healing journey?
@@be_you_tiful What do you mean by that? :)
@@MakaveliFan71 I mean, If you would like me to, I can share my insight what have helped me on my journey in my life :)
First, I started to look at my childhood. What is the reason I am reacting/responding the way I am? Asking questions and being HONEST, how did my caretaker (parents) made me feel when I was a child and I wanted something? Did I felt seen/heard? Where did this came from? Why did they made me feel like this?
We are adults now and we are able to reparent our inner child (reparent the feelings we had/experience and comes from our ego which comes from childhood). Ego is here to protect us, but protection is not necessary anymore since we are grown adults now. It is such a long story for me to type but I hope I have helped a little bit. Be nice to yourself, you deserve it.
It is a journey, that is why I called it a healing journey 😊 feeling pain and going through it will heal you, don't be afraid. You are not alone, we all go through the same. Having someone to talk to (who is neutral) might help or writing about it.
Sending love
@@MakaveliFan71 Glad to have helped you! I'm sorry, I don't have snapchat. You can use the internet, all information is accessible but it doesn't come automatic. You have to do the work 🙂 all the best and you can do it!
@@be_you_tiful yess pls nd thank u
My thing is when i say 'why you're doing that' kind of expression. From now on i'll try not to be too reactive to what people do. Give them time and quick reason
I work as a consultant psychiatrist and Mindfulness teacher
I find your videos extremely helpful and give practical information information and tips about problems as mental health professionals face day in and out
Thanks
Please go on
I wish i would’ve watched this before today! I was horriblizing all over the place today but this really helped reframe my thoughts about the situation. This is going to be super useful in the future because I catastrophize so often. Thank you for literally saving me one video at a time
Great, I used ro work wih this as a social worker many years ago..I had to learn myself, because of my own opbringing and social environment..So good to listen to this reminder. In fact necesary being 71' I still have to rehearse a bit !❤
My therapist helped me so much with how I describe things to myself. My life isn't less stressful than it used to be, but I've become less bothered because I can acknowledge both the lovely and stressful things in my life, and when I think of my stressors now, I know they are temporary. I'm so glad to see someone is making this kind of information to help oneself more accessible for more folkx :)
This video came up as a recommended video in my feed. I'm happy I watched it. When I get upset, I often think in black and white and later communicate my feelings (emotional reactivity) in black and white. This video helped me understand how this is damaging to my well-being and possibly even my relationships with others. Thank you
I love these videos - they are so logical. I could see this mindset and process being perfect for short interactions or relationships where both parties are logical/desire to improve.
I only wish it also applied to toxic work environments. There is really no "winning" with those. And try and I might to reframe, when the same situation repeats time and again, it solidifies itself in my head as a fact.
The 20th instance of "they were both mean and may have just been having a bad day", or "My boss isn't a bad boss; he told me he would talk to [coworker] and not to worry about it" is just me lying to myself. That person really is just a crab with no respect for others and that boss really isn't a good boss if the only way to get him to address an issue is to receive a call from HR after I went over his head.
Toxic work conflict leaves me feeling either trampled-upon (if I didn't react to the situation), being labelled dramatic/a complainer (reported to boss/human resources dept.), or called a villain (stood up for myself).
Don't get me wrong, I have had some good bosses in the past, but in the toxic environments there is no such thing.
It feels impossible to reframe situations with family-business bosses who really do put blood, not only before other employees, but before logic, profit, customers, ethical business practices, laws...etc. every single time.
Or supervisors who really do never question the senior employee despite continuous issues. (Such as being blatantly and routinely absent without approval, PTO, or explanation, talking back to superiors and telling them they "don't want" to do something and to give it to so-and-so instead, sowing seeds of contempt between departments - without provocation - by making unbidden and off topic replies that falsely insinuate mistrust and blame.) The boss that is so fearful of turnover (even of a lackluster employee) that they tell other employees to ignore the bad employee's behavior, even physical threats, or false claims against someone that could (and have in the past) result in their termination despite the recurrent nature of these issues and the knowledge that they will continue to arise over and over.
Where there is no logic, even logical solutions fail.
This reminds me of the book Bittersweet by Susan Cain where she speaks about the transition between two states in life and how the middle point is the space of resilience, compassion, kindness. Your video brought mental clarity to what she was expressing. We are often stuck at the extremes due to trauma but the middle is what buoys us through the tough times in life. I call it my crash mat, the space where I cradle myself and bounce back into activity again.
nuanced thinking can also be used to manipulate the situation and make something or someone bad and terrible look less bad and terrible.
That is so helpful. I didn’t even realise I was thinking in black and white when it came to emotional situations until I watched this.👍
IDK this seems like a crock to me that isn’t helpful. When I’ve seen black and white thinking it’s because the person is feeling overwhelmed, tired (from physical causes) and maybe a bit insecure and this has snowballed to more extreme panicked and anxious feelings and actual dysregulation. The black and white thinking comes out of this extreme state. They’re not saying these exaggerations primarily to get out of responsibility- they are coming from deep pain and insecurity, and a panicked and emotional state.
So for example, “my spouse never does the dishes” - what they are really saying is “I’m exhausted and completely overwhelmed with my responsibilities in the house and I feel that my partner is taking advantage of me in multiple ways. I don’t feel supported or loved or that my spouse even notices all I do for the family. etc.” So pushing the person to recognize - “well actually they did put their dishes in the dishwasher once last month unprompted" is not actually calming because it invalidates what is actually going on and being felt. An exaggeration that misses the mark won't counteract an exaggeration coming from real feelings and situations.
Even more importantly black and white thinking is part of dysregulation. I don’t see how you’re going to get someone to do this in that state. This seems like an approach that is only really applicable for people who are just lazy, self-absorbed and entitled, not particularly self aware, and who are not actually experiencing true anxiety. 🤷🏻♂ I mean I guess there are a lot of people out there like this but a mention of how to handle actual problems would be nice.
Pure logic...i like you brother,..
You are so spot on. I totally agree with you. Thanks for your comment.
Yes!!! This is extremely helpful!!! The black and white thinking definitely plays a large part in my and my husband’s arguments, thank you!!! P.s. On a side note, you have that new-mom-glow about you, just beautiful, blessings to and yours 😊❤
07:40 "This is an annoying therapist skill that's actually super-effective." 🙂Love it! And thanks for the channel.
Wow. This popped up after I was raging about my co-parent. lol. Felt like a bucket of bitter medicine in my mouth, but the patient needed this. Thank you so much!
I really needed this video today - thanks!
Thank you for covering the topic
Almost all content I watch on RUclips I watch at 2x speed... I slow this down to .75 because I really really really need to hear this.... Thank you.
That was very well explained! Thank you! ☺️
Love the time stamps and the summary, thanks.
I enjoy this therapist's way of explaining these mental difficies!
I remember in high school everyone said geometry was the hardest class etc so I told myself I was going to ignore them and actually do good in class which I did I just paid more attention did all my homework got As and Bs throughout that class!
I feel if I don't "over react" or let something bother me rather than just forgetting my concerns don't get heard. Especially in work.
This is invaluable advice. I've been going through some difficult emotions, and this showed me the way. Cannot thank you enough for what you do, Emma. 💜🙏🏽
I do practice this, but i want everyone to be aware that there are instances in which the "Horriblizing" language is an accurate assessment of what has occurred.
Do not beat yourself up if you see something as black and white even after you stopped and thoroughly considered it. But do not let this fact act as an excuse either.
Even if the situation is a gray one, not all shades of gray are the same.
It is not wise to chide yourself or others for the simplicity of thinking in 2 colors when you can only think in one and not acknowledge the myriad of shades within it.
Great video and information as always. Thank you.
This was very helpful. Thank you!
Thank you for this! Never hurts to be a little more accountable for ourselves!
Thank you for putting the sponsorship at the end! Even though it’s for betterhelp, it’s still great for making the video flow better and feel more genuine, and I appreciate it
you really understand me. I’ve never been so understood in my life. Thank you
I am kind of a person who went through a lot, with this I developed a sense of emotional bond towards the poeple who are trapped in their job and are being crushed. I am a teacher and I see everyday people suffer, This melt my heart. I understand that emotions are a part of your life, but this is too much for me.