WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IN ORDER TO RECOVER OFF THE BACK OF A BAD BREAKUP

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  • Опубликовано: 26 окт 2024

Комментарии • 56

  • @brandy307
    @brandy307 7 месяцев назад +58

    You nailed it when you said a relationship with an avoidant makes you feel like you aren’t part of a team. 4.5 years with an avoidant. He spent all his time with me, has no other friends or relationships. We talked about moving our families in together in October. 4 months later, one small spat over communication and he abruptly ended it. He’s 50, but acts like a child. I’ve seen how he dismisses his kids emotional needs, they are emotionally crippled and all in turmoil. My kids are thriving as is my career and he was not happy for me. He said it made him feel like a failure. Almost 6 weeks no contact and it’s hard, but I’m pretty sure he did me a favor!

    • @ralucamera6574
      @ralucamera6574 7 месяцев назад +6

      Yes, I understand the feeling ending relationship over small things, such children.

    • @evaeggen7825
      @evaeggen7825 7 месяцев назад +1

      A very fragile mind, you should save your love for someone that deserve you better, don't love them to much to soon, they don't want to be in a club where they are knowing they aren't worth worshipping
      , yours I mean.

    • @evaeggen7825
      @evaeggen7825 7 месяцев назад

      Perhaps you are using your therapeutic tools on them, are avoidant more exciting, because it's like a roller coaster, I just wander. If it remind you og someone familiar. I don't think they are used to be loved and they can't accept they are worth it, what about that thought?

    • @brandy307
      @brandy307 6 месяцев назад +4

      @@evaeggen7825 perhaps you should keep your judgmental comments to yourself. What about that thought? Also you drew incredibly wild conclusions that had nothing to do with my statement. What a rude person.

  • @jamie_gz
    @jamie_gz 3 месяца назад +12

    After the discard, I blocked him because the slow ghosting and stonewalling were too painful! And I’ve been holding on to this boundary for almost 3 months. I can feel I’m healing. I treat myself nicely, buy myself gifts, go hiking every weekend, workout more frequently, educate myself with knowledge. I’m proud of myself! Last week, when I noticed that he blocked me back, at first it felt like being discarded again, but very soon, I felt ‘whatever 🙄’, and I love this feeling! Once the person chooses to leave my world, it’s a dead person in my world!

    • @scribeLeo
      @scribeLeo 2 месяца назад

      Hope you are doing well!! ❤ and still holding your boundary.

  • @anthonyprichard673
    @anthonyprichard673 7 месяцев назад +25

    Currently going through a breakup with an DA. Toughest breakup I’ve ever dealt with. Almost 3wks no contact. I treated her so well . Very loving and patient, I showed up in every way possible. To meet her needs despite my own. I believe love to be sacrificial. Just to find out she was a DA. Had no clue I was with one until I did some digging as to why she behaved in such ways. Researched how to deal with a DA in a relationship. Just to be discarded. So anyone dating one.
    Have that conversation. Because if she/ he isn’t willing to put in the work. You’re wasting your time.

    • @northshorelight35
      @northshorelight35 6 месяцев назад +6

      Realizing that he is a DA made it easier for me to get over it. I view DA as an incurable mental disorder that I don't want to deal with.

    • @anthonyprichard673
      @anthonyprichard673 6 месяцев назад +3

      That’s what’s helped me walk away. With Dignity intact. I was just collateral damage in someone else’s war within themselves. And
      When I miss her I think of the word Bitch. Not to call her out side her name to disrespect her..
      But to use it in an acronym
      She is
      Bitter
      Insecure
      Toxic
      Childish
      Hatful.
      I ask myself then Is this a person you want to spend the rest of your life with??
      And it’s a hard pass for me. I have to much respect for myself and know my values.
      I hope this helps anyone struggling with a break up of this kind. It’s not a normal breakup. So be gentle with yourselves. Remember you showed up! They couldn’t.

    • @slimsheep
      @slimsheep 3 месяца назад

      Bro im going through the same thing now and its because i found out i was with a DA is what helped/helping me get over it better..I was so distraught on hiw passive she was about all the shit she did. Even when they end it its like "okay, i dont wanna do this anymore, 8 years is just meh" I couldn't even fight because I knew i would get a brick wall and deadface. Yall know the look im talking about. ​@@anthonyprichard673

    • @slimsheep
      @slimsheep 3 месяца назад +1

      Its amazing how they can say "I just feel like i don't want to be here anymore" and days after being so happy, just turn around and be like "nope, this aint for me". Good luck guys, i delt with episodes for years and didn't know what it was, i tried to be accepting of the most extreme stuff when she tried to justify what she was doing. I didn't know what it was, but shit, I sure found out. Its sad, but the "no emotion" is a deal breaker for me(amongst other things). Way too hard to deal with so im going to join the "DON'T GO BACK" crew.

  • @andziagreen4922
    @andziagreen4922 7 месяцев назад +21

    Brilliant conclusion, it was like addiction, I am still healing 18 months later but withdrawal nearly costed me my life. I got rid of everything I got from him, deleted him from my phone, photos gone, otherwise I wont be able to heal. I pray and my broken heart goes to everybody (especially anxious souls) who went through this 🙏🤗 Great advices about thinking how avoidant hurt me or disrespected or used my insecurities against me. It helped me to improve my self-esteem and stop thinking positivelly about him. I took him off his pedestal. I had to get really busy with stuff I always wanted to do and that obsession started easing. It's doable even without therapist but slower.

    • @zebrastripes3786
      @zebrastripes3786 6 месяцев назад +2

      Same,I decided too that no matter how much it hurts I am not going through this again and focused on healing my trauma so I am never in this predicament again. Also agree with you that it can be done without a therapist. I follow every tip I’ve heard to do like journaling,EFT tapping,self love affirmations,inner child healing etc.. It’s a slow process but I’ll get there. Hope you the best in your healing journey.

    • @SherriFlemming
      @SherriFlemming 2 месяца назад +1

      When you've had enough, you're done.

  • @therocknrollcook
    @therocknrollcook 9 месяцев назад +16

    Thank you for the vids. You’re providing content others are not. The DA dumping me coldly has killed my vibe. Keep going ❤

    • @andziagreen4922
      @andziagreen4922 7 месяцев назад

      I really hear you. Been there end of 2022. It was like a kick in the face 2 weeks before we had planned trip to my home country. Never communicated any isdues or been open emotionally. If I only knew about attachments and other stuff I know now.

  • @unhelpful-harry
    @unhelpful-harry 19 дней назад +3

    You remind me of my (very effective!) therapist. You say what you think people need to hear even if it's a hard pill to swallow, and at the same time you manage to maintain an atmosphere of compassion and understanding. Cheers mate, this video has helped a lot after I had a situationship with a friend of mine and, uh, well, I'll let you guess the attachment style I relate her to 😂

  • @Growwithgrace101
    @Growwithgrace101 6 месяцев назад +10

    Listened to this more than once. Everytime I find it helpful. The 8 months rumination is hard...made me feel better knowing I can allow it. Waking up with nightly panic has been horrible 😢

  • @AZtoNC
    @AZtoNC Месяц назад +2

    Mine is a bi-polar with ADHD with low self esteem, I have low self esteem as well and I have anxious attachment. She told me I was her everything for 2.5 years, other things drove me crazy to the point I told her I think it’s best we both go our own ways been three weeks, she has been with her rebound for two weeks and I’m struggling bad. I was low contact for over two weeks, nothing crazy from me but I had to hear about her new relationship. I’m on day two no contact but I’m stilll not strong enough to block. This is absolutely crazy how hard it is, the triggers really hurt. Worst part is she acts like she don’t even care, know me or miss me. I am smart enough to know it’s good we didn’t marry. I hope I can get a grip, soon, im withdrawing so bad I end up wishing we did get married just so she’d be here. I’m on meds and waiting on a slot for therapy. I ordered a book on co-dependency and one on attachment styles. I have to work on myself. this is so painful.
    i wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone

  • @MrPr1ngle5
    @MrPr1ngle5 6 месяцев назад +10

    I never cried for a woman before an avoidant ghosted and bloked me… and I cried all my soul, begging god to help me…

    • @Th3FuNkMan
      @Th3FuNkMan 5 месяцев назад

      Did she come back

    • @MrPr1ngle5
      @MrPr1ngle5 5 месяцев назад +1

      @@Th3FuNkMan nop

  • @lisan8007
    @lisan8007 8 дней назад +1

    Intuitively was doing some of those. Great suggestions.
    Lucky that it was short term. And I wasnt yet that much connected.

  • @chetbailey1529
    @chetbailey1529 7 месяцев назад +8

    Ken, you are truly amazing! Your exceptional knowledge of the severe dismissive avoidant and the way you articulate resonates with me sooo much!! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

  • @JohnAlot
    @JohnAlot 7 месяцев назад +5

    I just discovered your podcasts today & have listened to many already. I've been navigating a final break up with an avoidant with whom I've been involved on & off (of course) for over a decade. The most difficult part is maintaining relationships with the children, both young adults, who are obviously saddened by this as I have been their step father since they were young. She is begrudgingly accepting the fact that they desire to keep me in their lives yet did not inform me when our son was hospitalized. Thankfully our daughter did. You have brought me more understanding of the dynamics of our relationship & how our individual neuroses contributed to it. You are really helping people. I can only imagine what a great therapist you must be.

  • @kkimzz
    @kkimzz 6 месяцев назад +3

    DA’s are on the secure side of the spectrum. I haven’t really heard anyone say it directly although the do hold high positions and are normally able to set boundaries pretty easily. I know FA’s share anxious traits and it’s mentioned often. Do you think there is something to this thinking DA’s are cold yet secure?

  • @Loversinadangeroustime
    @Loversinadangeroustime 4 месяца назад +4

    8 years together with an FA, we decided to sell our home and everything we owned and buy an RV and travel for a year. Everything was great or so I thought… 4 weeks after we started travelling, out of nowhere he blurted out he’s not in love with me anymore. Then I watched him slowly fade away for the next few months until he turned into someone I didn’t know, and said he wanted to be single and free. Never in my life have I felt so much pain. 5 months post break up I still struggle daily. The rumination is insane! Your videos have helped me immensely.

  • @BirdieHaze2207
    @BirdieHaze2207 6 месяцев назад +6

    Thank you, I have nobody to talk to about this and nobody understands anyway. I really thought he loved me. Was sooooo present and exactly like you said. They make you feel so seen and stare into your soul! It’s so hard. Them made a stranger like a business transaction in a 9 minute phone call. I love him .💔

    • @slimsheep
      @slimsheep 3 месяца назад

      It's tough... happened to me, inwas kimd of preparing myself for something but the fact that they can just be over the whole relationship in one sit down/call is the hardest part . You wanna fix it but they clearly don't. They checked out already. Shit it would have been better if they left you for someone else maybe. At least you would have a actual reason

  • @ScottH7651
    @ScottH7651 6 месяцев назад +2

    Ken- glad you're on youtube (I think you're new here). I've been struggling for so long to get over getting suddenly dumped by an FA who seemed like my person. I think I was just the next in her "guy hopping" journey. At the end, she was clearly pining over the guy before me who wasn't good enough for her which caused her that breakup. It's just horrific how they can tell you they love you and then turn around and discard. just gut wrenching.

  • @ShopgirlNY182
    @ShopgirlNY182 Месяц назад +1

    I loved the Taylor Swift song reference. I don’t think my avoidant ex will every realize he’s avoidant and keeping me at arm’s length. I didn’t know about attachment styles in our LDR but since the breakup researching this has made so much sense to his behavior. He did spend a lot of time at the bars and I even think he had an attachment to this bartender there and being in a LDR that gave me anxiety since he spends a few evenings a week there. He did have therapy every week but he just got out of a narcissistic marriage of 20+ years so I think when he met me online straight away after his breakup, I’m realizing now he’s still trauma bonded to her and probably always will be. When he did some shady shit behind my back he then told me he was now interested in dating men so I said we should break up because clearly he wasn’t into me anymore.

  • @sunshineonmyshouldersmakes8331
    @sunshineonmyshouldersmakes8331 6 месяцев назад +1

    You explain all of this so well! As an ex of a disorganized avoidant person I naturally did some of these things. I moved and til this day still have the "icks" (there are alot) I feel for them and wish them well in their future and hope one day they face the alcoholism. Also SO grateful to be past it all ❤ IT was extremely painful experience, especially with kids involved.

  • @slimsheep
    @slimsheep 3 месяца назад +2

    Thanks for all these videos Ken, you are helping me currently navigate through an ending DA marriage. It is tough, but finding out that its just how they are built and they may not be able to fix it(even with help) has made me feel a little relief that its not solely me. Cause i have tried so hard, feels like they don't even want to try. The kind of love language i have i can never be okay with a DA in my life..sigh...they do feel like your sole mate don't they!!?

  • @DMuvvy
    @DMuvvy Месяц назад

    I am exhausted from thinking about my avoidant ex. 3 months post breakup. The worst is that he is now with someone else. That just compounds the pain. Hate that these avoidant seem to feel nothing in terms of being able to restart with someone else. Can just move on. To me that means they don’t love. In my case I feel it must not ever have been love And you’re right it feels like a drug withdrawal. I’ve been through break ups before. This pain is like no other😢😢😢😢

  • @LorenaBerrenbaum
    @LorenaBerrenbaum 7 месяцев назад +3

    Thank you so much for helping people understanding what they ate going through. It speed up my healing. ❤️❤️🙏🙏

  • @awerten3746
    @awerten3746 2 месяца назад +2

    6 months have passed since my DA ex broke up with me and I have been in NC for 6 months. I am still deeply hurt and have to think about him every single day. Nevertheless, I am determined to cut him out of my life. 3 breakups, that's enough

  • @Edith002
    @Edith002 3 месяца назад +1

    Thank you! First months were pure hell, serious withdrawal. I wonder how the DA feels when they see triggering content, like pictures, shred music or personal meaningful tings after the months of deactivation? Mine has had following pattern: first 3 months acting almost robotically in social media, liking all my posts but no communication, then making few very personal but indirect posts and since this has been reacting to my stuff very sporadically, ignoring more personal posts and photos of me. It's 5 months total now, I'm finally out if addiction, but I wonder is she the one who's going through the hell now.

  • @carrievaleriaalvarez2198
    @carrievaleriaalvarez2198 4 месяца назад +1

    Among the really great content in this channel, this video in particular speaks to me on so many levels and with actionable advice too...
    Important points for me:
    * breaking up with an avoidant attacher is like getting off hard drugs and so trying to stay friends is unlikeky to work
    * this all applies also if they were a close friend that you may have had romantic feelings for and there was no official label on the relationship
    * awareness on their side is something to acknowledge and encourage but it is not good enough if they don't do the work and that may be too uncomfortable for them.
    * so it looks like eventually I'm going to have to bite the bullet and break off the friendship but it is so painful to contemplate doing that
    The video also speaks to my own stuff. I believe I have cPTSD manifesting as fearful avoidant attachment. It took me three to four years in therapy to get to the point of doing somatic work with my therapist.

  • @Degenskier
    @Degenskier 5 месяцев назад +1

    Ken, thank you for being there for me

  • @20misscherry
    @20misscherry 6 месяцев назад +1

    Thank you so much for all the valuable information you are sharing with us!!!🎉 you are just amazing! Love listening to your videos!

  • @vladpierre2694
    @vladpierre2694 6 месяцев назад +4

    So dismissive avoidants tend to feel like soul mates??

    • @MENTAL-STRENGTH101
      @MENTAL-STRENGTH101 6 месяцев назад +4

      Yep, which is why the break up is absolutely excruciating

    • @sharondodge49
      @sharondodge49 28 дней назад

      Just to insecure attachers in love bombing phase. The fantastic but real feeling attraction and desire, pushes both to exceptional physical connection at times. Cognitive piece off line sometimes.

  • @garywillett6396
    @garywillett6396 4 месяца назад +2

    If they’ve already replaced you months ago, before they break up with you, are they narcissistic?

  • @jdimon8717
    @jdimon8717 5 месяцев назад +1

    Will you be making "Heartbreak Grief Relief " available again? Or was this only available last year? I am a new subscriber and only recently discovered your channel.

  • @evaeggen7825
    @evaeggen7825 6 месяцев назад

    His friends will keep you Ken, I am sure. I would, even more than a friend, but ok, it's unrealistic.. sorry for getting distracted 😅 although. I have been in resieving ends. Switching, so I try to learn too.

  • @elizabethschreindl5079
    @elizabethschreindl5079 6 месяцев назад

    Thank you so much!!

  • @JeanLewis-y6c
    @JeanLewis-y6c 6 месяцев назад

    Vulnerability touching the nose lots meaning avoidant childhood aprocal geting the point of expression abd to trust what one obe is saying note please not ment offensively but educationaly i expect honesty . May i express y my coment is writen here resoect the investment not a insult say as is thank u for u wisdom u can go to greater hights watch the nose u wanna fo highwr i. Life. Do it educational utubeer l😊

  • @evaeggen7825
    @evaeggen7825 7 месяцев назад +2

    Seems like you met a mix of borderline, and narcissist, wonder if your mother or father had similar traits?

  • @mre.8886
    @mre.8886 Год назад +2

    What’s your email?

    • @KenReidCo
      @KenReidCo  Год назад

      hey there, you can reach me here www.kenreidcounselling.com.au/connect-with-me

  • @vladpierre2694
    @vladpierre2694 6 месяцев назад +3

    🥹 why is this so precise?