I’m two years out. I left him. I was devastated, broke, family disgusted with me, practically homeless, lost trust from everyone I knew. I was dead, useless, couldn’t work or focus for a year. Now I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, I am doing very well at work and focused and I have left him way behind.It is definitely a process
@@bambiparnell6289 first step is accepting NO CONTACT. then going through withdrawal. Stay very close to Jesus. Step by step forward. ❤️❤️you will arise. Fight for yourself
@@bambiparnell6289 keep moving forward..one step at a time..like a soldier who has just crawled out of the trenches and into the daylight..the pain can be astounding, the emotional flashbacks, the grief. Feel it all and put yourself first.❤️
Abandon the narcissist. Move on. It's a process. Educate yourself. (Knowledge is power.) Do not hide, but seek. Grieve the loss of innocence. Grief has many stages. Heal. To forgive is not to forget. Do not avoid adversity. Confront it. We must learn to love and trust again. A narcissist needs to be supplied. This shop is closed to those who cannot see beyond their own nose. Thank you for uploading this. Peace, happiness to all beings everywhere.
For people currently in a narcisstic/enabling relationship, "move on" are the words they most dread. Deep down they know it's what they need to do but they just can't let go. They keep hoping they will find the right words or the right approach or maybe therapy will help or a fresh start, new surroundings, a better job, a baby etc....will turn everything around. What every victim needs to know is that narcissists don't change, not ever. They need to stop trying to find the magic words or secret formula that will turn him/her into the perfect mate they imagine them to be. "Move on" are two words that can be very hard to hear but when it comes to life with a narcissist, the only words that make sense.
@Jon michael I believe everyone has the ability to change, it's just that the overwhelming majority of narcs never feel the need to. They believe the problem is everyone else because they are superior and infallible. If you have recognized your fallibility and made a commitment to change, that is the first and greatest step to healing. It may take some time, and you may stumble along the way, but I'm sure you will be successful. I wish you all the best in your journey.
@@eliseintheattic9697 I also believed everyone has the ability change, and that belief kept me very stuck. The thing is, no, not everyone actually does have the ability. When someone is so deep in their fantasy that they have no need to grow or cannot grow/change because there is nothing to work on, they do not have the ability to change. It is like saying the blind person has the ability to see if they just choose to work on it hard enough. No, that blind person will never, ever be able to change that because they have no ability to work on it. A narcissist is almost always the same. They cannot and will not change, ever. So, using that absolute of "everyone" can actually backfire, because it can keep a person holding on to a false hope. Even if they know that it is a personal choice and the only person who can choose to change is that person, holding on to this idea that everyone is able to change can keep a person holding on to this false idea that even the narcissist could change. No, they really can't. This is their personality and it isn't going to change.
00:08 - Your choice, your responsibility 00:42 - Abandon the abuser 01:46 - Move on, a process not an event 02:30 - Learning 03:23 - Grieving 04:15 - Grief phases 05:19 - Forgiveness and conflict 06:45 - Assess relationships periodically 07:23 - Can you remain friends? 08:31 - Stockholm syndrome 09:20 - Conditioning in abusive relationships 11:08 - Familiar, but not healthy attachment
+adebrysi Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links: groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4727
I think at the age of 44 to experience this abuse does affect my health. He totally targeted my self esteem. Now I have to pick myself up and think positive. Plus starting a new job during the recover I need the strength. I just remember all the horrible things he said and done.
This is solution to deny their ill treatment but it is so difficult to execute. He already trap me with 2 sons of ours. To raise them without their father is also denying my kids the father figure and the memory that comes with it. I lives here in malaysia and such issue is real to deal with.
I just walked away and it literally feels like survival ! I feel so alone , I don’t even talk about it because if I do no one will believe me . I do feel a lot better tho even tho I’m going through these stages , I recognize I’m healing . Move forward is exactly what I’ve been doing .
I’m with you. No one understands. Her friends think I’m the villain because she shows her other side to them. No one else gets the pain Inside of the person we fell in love with.
Same I’m scared to talk about it because its so shocking it makes no sense and I feel like people also don’t believe me or they try to make a joke out of it nobody listens to me especially not my family cause they also are narcissistic
I'd like to share a quote with everyone.. When we plant a rose seed in the earth we notice that it is small but we do not criticise it as rootless and stemless. We treat it as a seed giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped nor do we criticise the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place by giving the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change yet at each stage, at each moment, it is whole as it is. Gallwey 1974
Sam Vankin I have listened to many speakers. You my friend have educated me well. This is the end of my education I get it! I have moved on and understand. i know longer ask why after 32 years. I have know ideal where I will be 1 year from now but it will not be with my Narricist. I except this and no longer greif the life that Only I saw as my future. I what to thamk you for my last session on Narcissism abuse. By the grace of God I pray. I will learn to love, and trust again. Thank- You again.
My narcissist mother physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me for 48 years. In her last narcissistic rage, aimed at me only, I decided on that moment, and I went no contact. It's been 3 years. I study narcissist advise recovery, every single day, because I can't afford a therapist. I thought I was on the right path to healing, when three days ago I saw her at a mutual friends funeral. I did my best to show up right at the last moment to avoid her. Yet after the service, she found me and tried to hug me. I didn't let her. She then proceeded to stare at me for about ten minutes after(from afar) So I had to leave. Right at that moment. I was triggered!!!!!! I feel like I've taken back a few steps, but after hearing this video, I know I can get back on the right path to my own recovery. It's a long hard difficult and tiring road, but I will stay on it. Thank you so much Dr. V ❤️
I too have a narcissistic mother, and I dread the day I might go to my dad's funeral. I don't want to see this woman anymore. Thank you for giving me a heads up what to expect. I hope you never have to see her again too.
Thank you so much as my mother has abused me for 48 years . I believed we where close . Life showed me I was her dog. All my family and friends do not understand and I know I’m isolated unless I play the rules and step back into my role of scape goat and slave ! I have had to walk away from my family . I struggle with guilt grief disbelief and also am I crazy is it me ?? I know I will follow my heart and the light as my grief needs to stop now it’s been too long . So I am moving on thank you ❤
I've just realized I've been with a narcissist for the last 9yrs and what that means. It's very overwhelming to accept that it was all a twisted game, especially because we have 2 children. I feel shame and guilt for allowing this to happen. I was even hesitant to comment because I dnt want to bother anyone with my feelings. Even though everything is now so clear I feel weak.
Ive been friend of a narcissist woman almost all of my life. I realized yesterday that she is a narc. I feel guilt for leting her treat me that way and weak as i gave her all of my power.
Its amazing the pain I feel. I have trauma, self worth and trust issues. I love to meet someone who has recovered. I have deep wounds, just tired of the pain.
I started dating a narcissistic guy. And for a short period i became so addicted. He started to control me in any kind of way. Now I broke up with him and i am moving on, but he is trying to stop me but no i need to move on.i won't let him stop me form moving on. Thank you for this video :)
As someone who is currently on the healing path from multiple narcissistic abuse: although I now look like a woman who have had a fight with several demons it wasn't until I came across your channel I was able to understand what I was dealing with. Also my creativity has helped me in the healing process.
It's taken me a year pretty much to the day to finally stumble across the same realisation about my shock and confusion at being abandoned. I'm surprised my therapist hasn't mentioned it. I now see I've had a very lucky escape from a narcissistic relationship. I've known deep down that I had a lucky escape from an unstable person for a while but I've still been holding on. Now I understand "gaslighting" and the "discard" and the real need to move on. Narcissistic abuse is no joke and I never knew what it was until this video and a few others. It changed me as a person. For the better! After giving up my job/lifestyle/friends to start a new life with this person, I've now had to start an utterly new life from scratch after she abused and then disappeared from me, all through Whatsapp. I've had to go completely back to basics! To my true self I believe - with self love. Hacking is no joke either and I'll never look at that lightly again! Luckily, like you I have a creative outlet that's helped massively in the healing process. I'm not sure I would have made it without that, I almost didn't, so I'm hugely thankful and full of admiration for people who overcome this without something like that to channel the hurt into. The pain of no remorse, apology or explanation is agonising and the scars are deep but the rage is down to a simmer and I think it's turning to pity and forgiveness. Peace to you and all victims out there.
Same with me. I will never forget pleading and crying out to God to help me and kept asking him what was wrong. This was back in 2016 and I had neverrrrrr heard of NPD. A random evening I saw a video form Sam and I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to watch it. It really was sent by Yahweh because imagine seeing Sam and a heading about NPD and just clicking on it only to find the reasonings and explanations for exactly what I was dealing with. I immediately knew it was time to completely let go and that there was no changing or him actually becoming a decent person again. That reality struck me so hard and I think that was one of the hardest parts of it; acceptance about what I was actually dealing with. I have to engage with him for some time now, after being distanced for 3 solid years but I am looking forward to the future and being much more solidified in my protection. I'm way more equipped now. He's still making a mess everywhere, still hurting other women, just found out that he was using another very sweet and innocent girl and just discarded her because she refused to have sex before marriage. He was also cheating on her while she thought he was being decent and faithful and is also now engaging in another situationship with another girl who he was able to extract sex from. It's alllllllll a mess that I am privy too which can be triggering at times but it's extremely evil and demonic- as if an entity is taking him over. It is certainly a healing process/journey. Step by step, day by day.
I knew for a very long time something was not right with this man so I found myself on RUclips and listening to you speaking so every evening I would go on to RUclips and listen to you and in a short while I felt that inner strength so I listened religiously and possibly after 2/3 mths I felt ready to make my escape ...I escaped!! And stood firm and I have my own personality back and feel so proud and happy. I have since heard a couple of my friends have found themselves in similar situation. I tell them my story and that firstly they need to recognise the problem,understand and then act on the information and I am pleased that both my friends are on a much happier path and enjoying having their own identity back...and happy!!! We have our life's back thankyou
1 1/2 weeks after a bad split from the narcissist/psychopath in my life after 8 years i have been unable to cry until this video. i am so confused wondering how i let it go on for so long. everything was a lie. i have a million different emotions, all damaging to my psyche. i feel like a weak person. i tried so many times to leave. and now i know i have no choice i can't help feeling so stupid!!! i've cut off all contact with him and anyone i met thru him. he says he wants to be my friend which is out of the question because to be my friend i have to like you! more than anything i want to heal from this but it just feels so bad. i just want to be me again. it's really hard and it hurts bad.
Rita Baker omg i feel you as i am going through the same thinking ive lost my mind. i dont even remember half of it i ask if he is a N again and again. i feel so much pain its unbearable
My narcissists were so generous until I wanted something for me. That was my childhood too. Now, life has challenges which I prefer to meet without "nice" help. Yes Rita, I am quite sad, but confident the future will be better. I wish you well in your life and the challenges of post narcissistic abuse. If only we learnt it at school.
Strange indeed.. Before i knew the term was narcissistic abuse, one of my first signs that something was wrong, was when i noticed the absence of colours while living with my husband. I visited my family and was away from him and after almost a month of denying my depression, i noticed that i could see colours. Not in all there beautiful vibrant shades, but at least a dull version. And then it kinda hit me, i had stopped painting. One of the pleasures of life. All i was doing was crying and sleeping.
I would never have understood what I was dealing with without having seen one of your videos here. A world of clarity opened up and I got the strength to get out while he was as work and NO CONTACT. I would like to say that what people might perceive as Stockholm Syndrome might be a safety pretense on the part of the victim in order to stay safe until she can get away.
Barbara Grace What an excellent insight. I have to live with a narcissist for another year or so without letting on that I'm making an exit. I have to stay in my role as supply so as not to arouse suspicion, and to do that I must constantly sympathize. I actually have more patience, understanding and compassion now that I've accepted the reality of what our relationship is, and where it's going. But in the end, I know that healing my own wounds comes first and I'll have to cut the empathetic bond with the narcissist for my own survival.
I finally had to leave my narcissist husband for good. I could not remain friends with him. It got worse. Thank you for your videos and books. I will remember these lessons.
I remember that phrase, “ we can be friends” ... I almost choked. They do not know the meaning of friendship, they befriend people for narc supply. They are actually pitiful.
I'm stuck in the rage and hatred phase. I will always feel them, even if/as my healing progresses. I've made a lot of progress already. The hate used to be sharp like a dagger, but I had no way of using it. It was agony.
I did not know my brother is a narcissist until recently. I use to think he must be a different species somehow. Nobody exists in his mind except himself. He is a pure demon who knows how to take advantage of people. He is so bad, for some reason once he is in your mind, it is so hard to take him out of your head. O God deliver us from the evil one.
Omg 😢 my brother is also a evil narcissistic demon and we live together I didn’t know he was a Narc till last year 😔😔😔 he is bad as well too how are things for you now ?
@@SharlenesJourney I have not seen him for years, and I still have a little memory remain which I have to release, but I am getting there. My advice to you is if you can run, run and do not look back. He has no options but to remain a narcissist and take advantage of people in everything. He came to this world for this purpose. Don't think he will get better or improve, believe it or not, that is not going to happen. All the best!
I would like to encourage all, the good in you is endless/timeless. The best of you can only be freely given, not stolen. Go be awesome. Realise that who you fell in love with was yourself, cause you are/were that awesome/beautiful. Enjoy the ride, be the Phoenix, and know your/you're love.
Thank you, Sam Vaknin (and thanks to a very bright lady for having shared this particular video with me). As a three-time target of workplace mobbing and the expected "smear campaigns" that ensured (within the same organization over a 7 year period), I agree that "moving on is a process...not an event..." It took me so long to face my reality, as I was "ossified", fearful of losing what was a very secure, but ultimately, very mediocre job...I finally freed myself this last time by facing the ugly truth, and taking what felt like a walk through hell (replete with fear, shame, guilt, blame, hate, etc)... Videos like yours allow us to gain courage, knowledge and insight, a huge part of MOVING ON! For me, gaining further knowledge through research, confidence and courage through sharing information / experiences with others / fighting back via defiance and truth (i.e., by acknowledging my instincts, and taking a stand against my mobbers this last time - my version of "raging back"), and getting some good counselling, I have managed to forgive myself, as well as my mobbers. As you mentioned, not the "absolute" type of "turn the other cheek" forgiveness, but the forgiveness inherent in having gained a very deep level of understanding of the nature of corporate psychopaths. Given that I "see them" for what they are (i.e., cowards who have a core of "fear" rather than a core of "love"), although I can't stand them, I don't HATE them anymore either...It feels good to have left my prison cell, and BE/OWN who I AM again...To influence the room vs. the room influencing me...Thank you for your insights - They are bang-on, IMHO!
she "survives"..... life is not about surviving.. its about freedom and happiness. "surviving is not good enough as long as you have a choice. Narcissists take away your choice... in every and any way. the only way to have any freedoms if to not be in their presence/communication.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am totally over my narcissist and have moved on. Your advice is just about the very best that a survivor could find. I know you are a victim yourself, so, for what it's worth, much love and kindness to you.
I was pretty before the abuse..and now i look like ive aged..i dont have the same long hair..my dark circles are so bad. On the outside, i feel like i lost my confidence but on the inside, it feels like i realised my self worth and i have so much respect for myself knowing that i am nothing like the narc and that id never cause someone so much harm.
Thank you Sam, for helping me move on...some of the steps were common sense that came in time...over years, I will never forget what he has done....my narcissist/sociopath tried to frame me..it backfired on him....I survived. HE got prosecuted. He of course is the victim...and life goes on....I choose to move on....and learn from the past.
Thank you so much. You have helped me immensely. It seems a slippery slope when it comes to identifying victims and narcissist abusers as narcissism itself is "contagious". The victim is utterly confused. Its mind boggling but your videos I watched got more and more detailed. Incredibly helpful. I'm am finally moving on and loving doing my self care. I need someone to take care of...about time I took care of me! Hugs and many Thanks.
It made me realize my own issues.. made me realize My autism which is why I fell easy for the gaslighting. It’s a very very hard experience and will bring out a lot of negative things you have inside you every insecurity will be exposed and abused!!
as soon as it got to Stockholme syndrome,..the light flashed on in my head and i understood WHY i keep going back for MORE..! thank you for explaining this , i really needed to hear and learn this lesson. xxxx bless you,Sam .xxxx
WOW, a powerful one Sam. I absolutely do not have Stockholm syndrome (thank god) and am out. Though a relatively short connection, I have no shame in acknowledging the damage done to my psyche. The narcicisst is completely abandoned by me. I did it with grace and love. Yes, pity. I am headed fast in that direction. Thank you so very much!!!!
Thank you for your willingness to help make sense of the narcissistic reality. Knowing is powerful in understanding and then healing. The past was crazy making. You are saving lives...like mine.
You are amazing, hitting the nail right on the head. I feel less upset and more empowered after watching your videos. Thank u for sharing and educating
Remember that person or people wanted what you have and they dont. It doesnt need to be material, it can go right to your personality and spirit. Do something every payday that you would do for someone desrving who needing healing. Buy bubblebath and bathe by candles, make a wonderful meal, etc. The sorrow in your eyes shows but you are beautiful and can be joyful you made it through! You are not alone. I am learning this so late in life it is sad but hey, I can teach my kids and encourage others! 😀
Thank you Sam for all of your enlightening videos. I learned so much and my life is now shifted drastically for the better because I finally gained insight into the abuse I was waking up into and oblivious of everyday living/corresponding with my narc parents. I respect you sincerely for having the courage as a narcissist to delve into your own mental landscape and informing the masses of what goes on in a narc's mind. 99% of narcs do not have the guts/will to self-examine thus ruin lives with their continuous stream of fantasies and web of lies.
I can not thank you enough for your videos. The grace of God and your videos are currently my lifeline. I have only been away from my ex-husband for about a month and a half...after 8 years. Your videos have taught me so much. I'm not quite sure what I would do at this point without them. The stalking, harassment, threats and blackmail are so overwhelming, scary and even unbearable at times. I continue to pray, watch your videos and keep saying to myself..."this too shall pass". I believe that God can in fact use our difficult times to strengthen us and eventually use them to bless us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the time you have taken to educate and help us through these very trying times. I want to also thank everyone for their comments as they have also encouraged me and given me a little more peace of mind. May God bless you and your family.
@@meriemmimi104 I am doing much better. Thank you for asking. I had to move away from my hometown and start all over. It’s been very difficult over the last 7 yrs however by the grace of God, things are good and I am a changed person, for the better. I still do not date and I’m happier now than I ever have been. I have learned a lot about narcissistic people and their connection to evil spirits. Everything I’ve found regarding these ruthless and relentless people is spiritual. God can remove these people who torment us from our lives. God bless you and yours always. How are you now?
@@WrenRH happy for you , well i'm just in the beginning of my journey , it's been two years since I started learning about narc because of my narc family but only two months since I broke up with my narc boyfriend of 11 years , I was so shocked when I faced the truth and realized the mistreatment I had tolerated because of the denial and dissonance prevented me from seeing his evil sadistic behaviours , the abuse was also ambiant and covert I was so blind to notice . i'm only 25 years old so I grew up with him not knowing how to put boundaries and being 100% dependent on him .every time I face my emotions I'm in a deep sadness , I feel wounded but i'm learning to be strong without him . He is hoovering and stalking me sometimes threatens me using my weaknesses but never going back to him, this last year of our relationship the abuse escalated a lot i'm sure he would've beat me or kille me one day if I do not exit his la la land. (Excuse my bad english )
I was in a situation with a narcissist and thanks to you and listening to your videos I gained the strength to escape because only understanding the problem from you I was able to act on it...many thanks
I left my Nboyfriend a month ago today. We share a one year old little girl together and he has not made any effort to see her or talk to her. Even though he has made some effort to get to me and make comments that I can only assume were intended to keep me hanging on a string just incase his backup supply does not work out. I moved back in with my parents and we are now planning on moving out to Hawaii so we can be as far away as possible. It's the only place I can think of that has not been tainted by his abusive cloud of darkness. I am starting to dream again and these dreams have included my nex. I have cried so many tears that I don't think I can cry anymore. Seeing my daughter look for her dad, unable to understand any of whats going on, is heartbreaking. I remember how horrible it felt to be in that relationship, yet sometimes I begin to catch myself getting back into the cycle. I just want to raise our little girl up right and heal from the inside out so that I can be the best mother I can be. I am scared but because of people like you in this community, I will finally be able to completely move on. Thank you for all of the work that you do.
Yes, never deny yourself, have fun, learn, grieve then move on! Hopefully forgive your past and admire your progress no matter how slow it all took to actually come all together. So far a lifetime of aloneness is best and more peaceful. The longing is there but in todays world serenity trumps flings of neglect and being used and discarded. I enjoy reflecting back that I’m overcoming it all; and, love just being me. ETA🌹
Leave wisely, leave silently,leave despite your excuses, be safe and move on no matter what your excuses are. Cos in the end, all your reasons are excuses if you think about it.
Thank u so much for Ur videos, I can't express how much they have helped me. I'm getting stronger dealing with the narc in my life, and its bc of these videos. I don't know where I would be if I didn't come across Ur videos, they have basically saved my sanity! Thank u so much for Ur time and knowledge. I felt so helpless, but now I know how to cope so much better and not let him get to me. Its driving him nuts...hes got worse but now he's realizing it and is moving on to other people to be in that codependency relationship with him.
In the process of moving on. 7 yrs of insanity. I somehow found my self worth. Went from feeling like less than nothing to being good with who I am & knowing I deserve to be treated like a person not an object. I’m 50 & have dealt with abuse my entire life. When you realize life is too short to just endure pain & that you don’t owe it to anyone to be miserable that’s the turning point. I’m going to enjoy the time I have left here.
Sam, your videos have been very eye opening and I want you to know they have sped up my recovery so well! I don't feel I've lost my loving and trusting self at all. No abuser will ever change who I am, and I'm proud to say that
Thank you for the video... I wish I have known this words before... my narsistic ex-husband also took all the money away, and I find it very difficult to heal and to be survivor for 5 yrs now... but I will listen to your video on and on till I find the wake-up words for me... again thank you, it means a lot to me...
thank u thank u so much for your work and your help. I am making the final cut today. after 14yrs im ready to be a survivor. we have been split for almost two yrs but I hav been in some kind of limbo. u hav given me the strength to move on. so that is just what I am doing. almost all my stuff is moved over to a neighbor ing town. it will b done by the end of this night
EXCELLENT, YOU EXPLAIN PERFECTLY MY 2 LAST YEARS, MY NARC COMMITTED A SUICIDE AS I PUT THE STOP TO THE ONGOING DRAMA, I LEFT, HE PUT THE END TO HIS DARK LIFE. HE WAS 33. FORGIVENESS BECAUSE IT'S ONLY THE PITY THAT I HAD AT THE END FOR THAT EVIL MONSTER WHO WITHOUT HIS TOY BECAME A POOR LOST KID...
Im a survivor. Toughest shit ive ever been through though. But much wiser for it. Thanks Sam for pulling me away from 9 of the 10% bullshit on RUclips.
You're an angel and brilliant, thank you for the depth and new info that others don't give. I really needed it. You brought the missing pieces that I didn't have after a year of trying to learn about narsasism. In a way, you're healing though your videos please keep on, I need you. Thank you
I can live well without forgiving the predator. It is ok to feel anger. I will never forgive anyone without true remorse for anything -and thats ok. And yes, surely I will tell the truth about my experience with him to anyone asking. How come a narcissist can be so afraid for his image and reputation when he/she constantly acts like a total asshole? I am sure this fear is why he hoovers like a maniac right now, no other reason. Just can't take it that anyone get out of his manipulation and really dislike his show.
Tooo much harm has ben done to me during my 11 years with my Nwife. It is my right to not forgive her. what for? She will do the same to her next pray/supply...and so on and so on. They will go over dead bodies to reach their sick goal without any remorse...
To apologize truly, one must address the aggression and the emotions the have inflicted and elicited. To apologize is to understand the hurt one has dealt, with no help from the victim. Until you are understood, no apology should be accepted. Is a narcissist capable of this? Possibly, by a lucky guess.
Excellent, well explained video Sam. Iv been through all the stages of recovery and the final conclusion .....he is now dead to me. This was my first intimate narc experience and through your videos and others I now have peace and happiness back. Thank you and may you have the same
I have tried to not listen to the harsh words my narc husband used to speak but it did affect me mentally and emotionally. Turning deaf ears has harmed me more.
this was my reaction on another video, where I saw you speak. I'm glad to see you speaking here. " A narcist so I see it, is not a totally different person. He or she is complete identified with his personhood. The most persons are that, but have a better conditioned character. The only way out for a narcist is to lose his person. That is so I it see, the goal for everyone: become a wise being. Narcists need no therapist, but a human being, who help him or she to see, that his selfimage and selfesteem is not the foundation of u's human beings. It is in fact a illusion. There is no person or narcist. His deep feel of worthless is not the problem, in fact it is true. The person is useless and has no stability. It is constant different. When you have seen the documentary, you can see a narcists person talking about himself. What in the narcist is talking about himself, who can al these things see of himself: his acts, his feelings, the lack of a feeling. Who is te one who can observe this all? Are there two persons, one the narcist and one the observer? No the narcist is a illusion personhood which the I are believing in. So there is hope. The only thing he had to do, is not belief all this images of himself, not believes his feelings, his thoughts. Dropp them aside. Be the observer. That is the light in you. Go the way from person to present. If you really want this, and you really desire to lose yourself, there will come beings on your path, who can help you, become a being. Because you also are a bright light, a bright being."
I did move on but he even after he died more than thirty yrs ago he was always in my head. That's to you I finally don't think of him as the love of my life. Now I see him as a controlling abuser. Thank you so much for giving me the information I needed to know to be set free of him
i read an article listing the signs of a malignant narcissist mother and a scapegoat child( of the many). it was as if a stranger was writing about my life.if this is a true psychiatric fact, then why 3 therapists I saw( pointlessly) never believed me and acted like what I'd been through couldnt possibly be true?
Sam vaknin! Thank you. When I left my ex narc nearly 2 years ago, I couldn't watch your videos then. I admit I hated you! It was so overwhelming learning about it whilst in so much pain. And you don't sugarcoat it! Now though, I love you! Thank you
@@samia6888 hi, I’m doing good thank you. Apart from the odd narc hanging around, but I spot them well now and protect my mental health whilst dealing with them. I am guilt free at least. Things can only get better and better after learning so much. Just a shame is so many of them. How are you?
Thank you, Dr. Sam...It really is that cut and dry...that simple....once you make up your mind.... We can simplify our own inner and outer torment and perpetuation of the madness and pain...after NC if we really want to and choose to... We can MOVE ON! Much gratitude, Dr. Sam. Be well and safe to you and Lidija.
Surviving: like getting over a death in the family.Takes its own time on waves of grief . Cannot be got around- must be gone through as consciously undertaken as possible.Any peace that can be salvaged will be guarded at all costs.
Thank you Mr. Vaknin for this series of videos on the nature of a relationship with a narcissist. It is helping me so much and is the clearest of explanations of the abuse, and what goes on in the abusers mind. Also how to cope with it and get away. I have never heard this put so perfectly in a way to easily understand it and therefore identify it. This is necessary knowledge, truly life changing. I so appreciate you putting this here on RUclips and online at your site for free. That is such a kindness to people who are already fragile from perhaps years of abuse. And who are trying to understand and rebuild in the aftermath. Thank you again.
I finally woke up and walked away from her. She was the most argumentative, crazy making and abusive person in my entire life. I will fully recover and thrive. Making great strides and will rebuild stronger and better than ever!! She is dead to me. Erased all memories as they were fake and make believe. What a hurtful, painful yet serious and powerful life lesson! God best all my fellow survivors and thrivers!
16years and just found out. I thought something was wrong with me. Now I know. Yet escaping is so hard having endured so long. They make it hard with threats and any possible thing that could hurt a healthy person. But I will get out.
Their favorite word is "Abandoned" when we escape (Leave) the toxic environment. Grown adults (Father/Grandmother) would always say... "You abandoned us" When I started to focus on myself. Then I thought, I don't have any children I'm not responsible for them so how can I abandon them?. They try to make you feel bad for taking your energy away especially family or someone you've known for a long time. You can not abandon someone you aren't responsible for even if you decide to change your mind about caring for them. "We Family" they'll say but it only pertains to their needs.
Narcisists create narcisists. Abandoning in itself triggers the hollowing anxiety in the codependent narcisist. Learning constructive behaviors must go with “moving on”.
Again, brilliant stuff here. "Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds," i.e. "I never" or "I always". This is possibly the most helpful to me of your many videos. Many thanks.
I had such conflicting emotions when my abusive husband was kilt. He put me in hospital on 8/1 for 10 days &on 8/21 he was gone. It took many years to process.. bc he wanted me dead before letting me go, he stalked me to a woman's shelter & life was a struggle with two little girls depending on me; I went home again & again. I knew nothing about narcissism. I was in therapy & my counselor bluntly told me to leave before he seriously hurt me. But I didn't listen til the broken leg. Even then I still expected he'd be in my life.. The last time I saw him he showed up asking me (on welfare) for money..I refused, he was threatening to my gf who said something to him. I was glad when he left not knowing I'd never see him again. I'm writing bc I'm still processing, just realizing the shock of being widowed at 27yo and the "friends" turned out to judge me harshly and avoided me like I was contagious. I live peacefully with my dogg ♥ my children are grown. I disassociate a lot especially after losing my job in March 2020 but no one hollers at me & I don't live in dread of upsetting anyone. I believe God blessed me with this life. I've outlived the ppl that abused me for His purpose and I testify that life is good. Please be safe and if you pray please include me. 🙏 thank you for reading.
Thank ou, Dr. Vaknin!! I thank you every day....for the enlightenment, support, healing, plans to heal, making our choices in these drastic life changing decisions..that are so hard to make...Especially when they are your "family"! TYSM! I feel empty sometimes!! Everything you give us helps!
+Karen Baxter - I finally complained to the manager at the coffee shop about this guy and he has stayed away. I do see him every once in a while but he no longer bugs me. :) he knows better now.
I'm 38 years old after my major car accident I found myself trapped my two narcissistic parents have gone through extremes to keep me trapped I found myself with my credit tampered and then controlling everything from my car to my phone and using my pets and my grandparents is a form of manipulation. I have every textbook health problem from being around narcissist and I'm fighting for my life this is how this has been chopping away at me for too long I really need to have my life back
I befriended (and loved several years unrequitedly) then had occasional intimate relation with a male narcissist. The brilliant thing was when our path initially crossed I was a shrewd gal whose backbone was solid. I was already u accepting of criticism (beyond reason) and not one pinch of his effort to demean me was ever absorbed. Still, I loved him for other things, really. However, he continued and continues to drum to his own beat. Regardless of my feelings. He never once showed compassion. if he did it was likely learned expressions to exist.
I was with a full-fledged narcissist for 31 years. I was with him since I was 14 years old. I was mentally, emotionally, psychologically, verbally, sexually, financially and physically abused. Finally at age 45, I file for divorce. He is still trying to put me through hell. He took all the savings and left his son and I with nothing. I had to go on housing assistance and he bought a brand new muscle car and a house. I'm still fighting in court. It's been almost four years since I file for divorce.
I still love my Narc,(the last), even though he treated me like trash. I mourn the person he was in the beginning,and I feel bad for him,it’s always been obvious to me that he’s hurting,that he can’t possibly live a fulfilled life the way he treats people. Even if I wanted to see him, I know I have to “serve” him,(I won’t describe what that means),but..there’s just no way. No way. ...and that’s helpful,for me, in order to move on.
Thank you! I love the way you speak on this hard topic 🙏 So needed. Too seldom are words of love and forgiveness spoken! I have 2 narc sisters, so much pain. Thank you, bless you 🌟
Thank you Dr. Sam! Unknowingly, I have gone through each and every process that you described. Thank you for confirmation. By the way, I took the route of forgiveness and I am more aware of the signs.
I’m two years out. I left him. I was devastated, broke, family disgusted with me, practically homeless, lost trust from everyone I knew. I was dead, useless, couldn’t work or focus for a year. Now I don’t drink alcohol, I don’t smoke, I am doing very well at work and focused and I have left him way behind.It is definitely a process
I love that .... I'm in the process as well to my freedom ... mentally 😊
Well done.❤️
This is where I am at right now. Don't know where to turn.
@@bambiparnell6289 first step is accepting NO CONTACT. then going through withdrawal. Stay very close to Jesus. Step by step forward. ❤️❤️you will arise. Fight for yourself
@@bambiparnell6289 keep moving forward..one step at a time..like a soldier who has just crawled out of the trenches and into the daylight..the pain can be astounding, the emotional flashbacks, the grief. Feel it all and put yourself first.❤️
Abandon the narcissist.
Move on. It's a process.
Educate yourself. (Knowledge is power.)
Do not hide, but seek.
Grieve the loss of innocence.
Grief has many stages.
Heal.
To forgive is not to forget.
Do not avoid adversity.
Confront it.
We must learn to love and trust again.
A narcissist needs to be supplied.
This shop is closed to those who cannot see beyond their own nose.
Thank you for uploading this.
Peace, happiness to all beings everywhere.
🙏❤️ much love to you !
For people currently in a narcisstic/enabling relationship, "move on" are the words they most dread. Deep down they know it's what they need to do but they just can't let go. They keep hoping they will find the right words or the right approach or maybe therapy will help or a fresh start, new surroundings, a better job, a baby etc....will turn everything around.
What every victim needs to know is that narcissists don't change, not ever. They need to stop trying to find the magic words or secret formula that will turn him/her into the perfect mate they imagine them to be.
"Move on" are two words that can be very hard to hear but when it comes to life with a narcissist, the only words that make sense.
@Jon michael I believe everyone has the ability to change, it's just that the overwhelming majority of narcs never feel the need to. They believe the problem is everyone else because they are superior and infallible. If you have recognized your fallibility and made a commitment to change, that is the first and greatest step to healing. It may take some time, and you may stumble along the way, but I'm sure you will be successful. I wish you all the best in your journey.
Eloquent 👏🏾
I agree 100% but sadly moving on is the only solution to this issue.
Yup, take care of yourself & your narcissist problem will take care of itself too.
@@eliseintheattic9697 I also believed everyone has the ability change, and that belief kept me very stuck. The thing is, no, not everyone actually does have the ability. When someone is so deep in their fantasy that they have no need to grow or cannot grow/change because there is nothing to work on, they do not have the ability to change. It is like saying the blind person has the ability to see if they just choose to work on it hard enough. No, that blind person will never, ever be able to change that because they have no ability to work on it. A narcissist is almost always the same. They cannot and will not change, ever. So, using that absolute of "everyone" can actually backfire, because it can keep a person holding on to a false hope. Even if they know that it is a personal choice and the only person who can choose to change is that person, holding on to this idea that everyone is able to change can keep a person holding on to this false idea that even the narcissist could change. No, they really can't. This is their personality and it isn't going to change.
You deserve to be emotionally safe.
You too :)
00:08 - Your choice, your responsibility
00:42 - Abandon the abuser
01:46 - Move on, a process not an event
02:30 - Learning
03:23 - Grieving
04:15 - Grief phases
05:19 - Forgiveness and conflict
06:45 - Assess relationships periodically
07:23 - Can you remain friends?
08:31 - Stockholm syndrome
09:20 - Conditioning in abusive relationships
11:08 - Familiar, but not healthy attachment
Thank you
Yes.
Thnx
Thank u 🤝🙏
Thankyou
I won't shed a tear for that disgusting reptile that raised me.
+adebrysi Narcissistic and psychopathic parents and their children - click on the links:
groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/narcissisticabuse/conversations/messages/4727
Sam Vaknin Thank you for your work, Sam. It is invaluable.
+Sam Vaknin I have agoraphobia, don't drive and rely on my narcissist dad to take me places. Help!
I'd like to contact you
No they didn't.
I think at the age of 44 to experience this abuse does affect my health. He totally targeted my self esteem. Now I have to pick myself up and think positive. Plus starting a new job during the recover I need the strength. I just remember all the horrible things he said and done.
Hey
Hi, I hope you are doing ok. I bet you didn’t realize that a comment you shared about your pain,would reach someone 2 years later 🪬
"Abandon them and move on move on move on"
It was deep.
This is solution to deny their ill treatment but it is so difficult to execute. He already trap me with 2 sons of ours. To raise them without their father is also denying my kids the father figure and the memory that comes with it. I lives here in malaysia and such issue is real to deal with.
@@lizliz8195 kids aren't a trap. You can't blame the kids for his/your actions. Only you can change it.
Thats wat i did cant believe it so proud
He moved next do, I ask myself " WHO DOES THAT"
Got dumped this month by a narcissistic woman and this video helps me a lot dealing with it. Thank you.
My therapist told me to run as fast as I can .......Freedom, at last!
Excellent therapist
I just walked away and it literally feels like survival ! I feel so alone , I don’t even talk about it because if I do no one will believe me . I do feel a lot better tho even tho I’m going through these stages , I recognize I’m healing . Move forward is exactly what I’ve been doing .
God is the only one who knows what I am going through. He is my healer 🙏
I believe you
No one around me could possibly understand ‘us’… it is so lonely…
I’m with you. No one understands. Her friends think I’m the villain because she shows her other side to them. No one else gets the pain Inside of the person we fell in love with.
Same I’m scared to talk about it because its so shocking it makes no sense and I feel like people also don’t believe me or they try to make a joke out of it nobody listens to me especially not my family cause they also are narcissistic
I'd like to share a quote with everyone..
When we plant a rose seed in the earth we notice that it is small but we do not criticise it as rootless and stemless. We treat it as a seed giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed. When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don't condemn it as immature and underdeveloped nor do we criticise the buds for not being open when they appear. We stand in wonder at the process taking place by giving the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development. The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it at all times, it contains its whole potential. It seems to be constantly in the process of change yet at each stage, at each moment, it is whole as it is.
Gallwey 1974
Sam Vankin I have listened to many speakers. You my friend have educated me well. This is the end of my education I get it! I have moved on and understand. i know longer ask why after 32 years. I have know ideal where I will be 1 year from now but it will not be with my Narricist. I except this and no longer greif the life that Only I saw as my future. I what to thamk you for my last session on Narcissism abuse. By the grace of God I pray. I will learn to love, and trust again. Thank- You again.
Beautiful and true
The rose poem...
Beautiful
Thank you
That's beautiful, thank you for sharing.
55 days no contact- on day at a time
💓💪😉👍💓
👏🤗🌻
4 months of no contact & It's blissful.
i no contact 9 months, and the person still tries to reach me 😂
Me 3 years... sending love n strength to you dear 🙏
My narcissist mother physically, mentally, and emotionally abused me for 48 years. In her last narcissistic rage, aimed at me only, I decided on that moment, and I went no contact. It's been 3 years. I study narcissist advise recovery, every single day, because I can't afford a therapist. I thought I was on the right path to healing, when three days ago I saw her at a mutual friends funeral. I did my best to show up right at the last moment to avoid her. Yet after the service, she found me and tried to hug me. I didn't let her. She then proceeded to stare at me for about ten minutes after(from afar)
So I had to leave. Right at that moment. I was triggered!!!!!! I feel like I've taken back a few steps, but after hearing this video, I know I can get back on the right path to my own recovery. It's a long hard difficult and tiring road, but I will stay on it.
Thank you so much Dr. V
❤️
I too have a narcissistic mother, and I dread the day I might go to my dad's funeral. I don't want to see this woman anymore. Thank you for giving me a heads up what to expect. I hope you never have to see her again too.
Thank you so much as my mother has abused me for 48 years . I believed we where close . Life showed me I was her dog. All my family and friends do not understand and I know I’m isolated unless I play the rules and step back into my role of scape goat and slave ! I have had to walk away from my family . I struggle with guilt grief disbelief and also am I crazy is it me ??
I know I will follow my heart and the light as my grief needs to stop now it’s been too long . So I am moving on thank you ❤
I've just realized I've been with a narcissist for the last 9yrs and what that means.
It's very overwhelming to accept that it was all a twisted game, especially because we have 2 children.
I feel shame and guilt for allowing this to happen.
I was even hesitant to comment because I dnt want to bother anyone with my feelings. Even though everything is now so clear
I feel weak.
Felicia , yes that would be the silver lining. 😊
How things are going right now?
Ive been friend of a narcissist woman almost all of my life. I realized yesterday that she is a narc. I feel guilt for leting her treat me that way and weak as i gave her all of my power.
You're strong NOW because you are armed with knowledge. I hope you left or are planning to
You’re not weak. You are strong. They are weak.
Thank you 🙏 & I hope anyone watching this knows they are not alone & will recover
Thank you…..getting away from all of them is the key imho
"We are ossified in our fears, cast in the mold of our reticence..." Oh. My. God. That line never loses it's impact - I gasp.
What you fight persist.
Its amazing the pain I feel. I have trauma, self worth and trust issues. I love to meet someone who has recovered. I have deep wounds, just tired of the pain.
I started dating a narcissistic guy. And for a short period i became so addicted. He started to control me in any kind of way. Now I broke up with him and i am moving on, but he is trying to stop me but no i need to move on.i won't let him stop me form moving on. Thank you for this video :)
I suffered this in college...I believe I am still being stalked. They are mad people who can't be helped.
Anthony White Insane totally
Anthony White me too. He won't stop. It's been well over a year now.
Demented lizzards
I did too
They will.stalk the hell out of you. Absolutely.
It took me three years to heal from my mothers emotional abuse.
As someone who is currently on the healing path from multiple narcissistic abuse: although I now look like a woman who have had a fight with several demons it wasn't until I came across your channel I was able to understand what I was dealing with. Also my creativity has helped me in the healing process.
It's taken me a year pretty much to the day to finally stumble across the same realisation about my shock and confusion at being abandoned. I'm surprised my therapist hasn't mentioned it. I now see I've had a very lucky escape from a narcissistic relationship. I've known deep down that I had a lucky escape from an unstable person for a while but I've still been holding on. Now I understand "gaslighting" and the "discard" and the real need to move on. Narcissistic abuse is no joke and I never knew what it was until this video and a few others. It changed me as a person. For the better! After giving up my job/lifestyle/friends to start a new life with this person, I've now had to start an utterly new life from scratch after she abused and then disappeared from me, all through Whatsapp. I've had to go completely back to basics! To my true self I believe - with self love. Hacking is no joke either and I'll never look at that lightly again! Luckily, like you I have a creative outlet that's helped massively in the healing process. I'm not sure I would have made it without that, I almost didn't, so I'm hugely thankful and full of admiration for people who overcome this without something like that to channel the hurt into. The pain of no remorse, apology or explanation is agonising and the scars are deep but the rage is down to a simmer and I think it's turning to pity and forgiveness. Peace to you and all victims out there.
sylvestina 53, poet/writer.
👍🏻🙏🏻
Same with me. I will never forget pleading and crying out to God to help me and kept asking him what was wrong. This was back in 2016 and I had neverrrrrr heard of NPD. A random evening I saw a video form Sam and I was prompted by the Holy Spirit to watch it. It really was sent by Yahweh because imagine seeing Sam and a heading about NPD and just clicking on it only to find the reasonings and explanations for exactly what I was dealing with. I immediately knew it was time to completely let go and that there was no changing or him actually becoming a decent person again. That reality struck me so hard and I think that was one of the hardest parts of it; acceptance about what I was actually dealing with. I have to engage with him for some time now, after being distanced for 3 solid years but I am looking forward to the future and being much more solidified in my protection. I'm way more equipped now. He's still making a mess everywhere, still hurting other women, just found out that he was using another very sweet and innocent girl and just discarded her because she refused to have sex before marriage. He was also cheating on her while she thought he was being decent and faithful and is also now engaging in another situationship with another girl who he was able to extract sex from. It's alllllllll a mess that I am privy too which can be triggering at times but it's extremely evil and demonic- as if an entity is taking him over. It is certainly a healing process/journey. Step by step, day by day.
These videos are the best way of healing from the narcissists. Thank you so much for making them, Sam Vaknin.
Yes man its kinda relieving but still have a long way to go
I agree! Hope you overcome all these nonsense
I knew for a very long time something was not right with this man so I found myself on RUclips and listening to you speaking so every evening I would go on to RUclips and listen to you and in a short while I felt that inner strength so I listened religiously and possibly after 2/3 mths I felt ready to make my escape ...I escaped!! And stood firm and I have my own personality back and feel so proud and happy. I have since heard a couple of my friends have found themselves in similar situation. I tell them my story and that firstly they need to recognise the problem,understand and then act on the information and I am pleased that both my friends are on a much happier path and enjoying having their own identity back...and happy!!! We have our life's back thankyou
1 1/2 weeks after a bad split from the narcissist/psychopath in my life after 8 years i have been unable to cry until this video. i am so confused wondering how i let it go on for so long. everything was a lie. i have a million different emotions, all damaging to my psyche. i feel like a weak person. i tried so many times to leave. and now i know i have no choice i can't help feeling so stupid!!! i've cut off all contact with him and anyone i met thru him. he says he wants to be my friend which is out of the question because to be my friend i have to like you! more than anything i want to heal from this but it just feels so bad. i just want to be me again. it's really hard and it hurts bad.
thanks so much xoxo
Rita Baker omg i feel you as i am going through the same thinking ive lost my mind. i dont even remember half of it i ask if he is a N again and again. i feel so much pain its unbearable
It hurts like crazy.
My narcissists were so generous until I wanted something for me. That was my childhood too. Now, life has challenges which I prefer to meet without "nice" help. Yes Rita, I am quite sad, but confident the future will be better. I wish you well in your life and the challenges of post narcissistic abuse. If only we learnt it at school.
Rita Baker I let it go on for 19 years.
Strange indeed.. Before i knew the term was narcissistic abuse, one of my first signs that something was wrong, was when i noticed the absence of colours while living with my husband. I visited my family and was away from him and after almost a month of denying my depression, i noticed that i could see colours. Not in all there beautiful vibrant shades, but at least a dull version. And then it kinda hit me, i had stopped painting. One of the pleasures of life. All i was doing was crying and sleeping.
I would never have understood what I was dealing with without having seen one of your videos here. A world of clarity opened up and I got the strength to get out while he was as work and NO CONTACT.
I would like to say that what people might perceive as Stockholm Syndrome might be a safety pretense on the part of the victim in order to stay safe until she can get away.
Barbara Grace What an excellent insight. I have to live with a narcissist for another year or so without letting on that I'm making an exit. I have to stay in my role as supply so as not to arouse suspicion, and to do that I must constantly sympathize. I actually have more patience, understanding and compassion now that I've accepted the reality of what our relationship is, and where it's going. But in the end, I know that healing my own wounds comes first and I'll have to cut the empathetic bond with the narcissist for my own survival.
Spacepuft good luck on your journey and once you are free never look back. All the best
I finally had to leave my narcissist husband for good. I could not remain friends with him. It got worse. Thank you for your videos and books. I will remember these lessons.
Remain Friends with the Narcissist? ruclips.net/video/izFbhVkVIsY/видео.html
My Narc bf, when i left him begged me "Can't we be Friends?". I said if we could have been Friends we wouldn't be breaking up now!!!!
I remember that phrase, “ we can be friends” ... I almost choked.
They do not know the meaning of friendship, they befriend people for narc supply. They are actually pitiful.
I'm stuck in the rage and hatred phase. I will always feel them, even if/as my healing progresses. I've made a lot of progress already. The hate used to be sharp like a dagger, but I had no way of using it. It was agony.
I did not know my brother is a narcissist until recently. I use to think he must be a different species somehow. Nobody exists in his mind except himself. He is a pure demon who knows how to take advantage of people. He is so bad, for some reason once he is in your mind, it is so hard to take him out of your head. O God deliver us from the evil one.
Omg 😢 my brother is also a evil narcissistic demon and we live together I didn’t know he was a Narc till last year 😔😔😔 he is bad as well too how are things for you now ?
@@SharlenesJourney I have not seen him for years, and I still have a little memory remain which I have to release, but I am getting there. My advice to you is if you can run, run and do not look back. He has no options but to remain a narcissist and take advantage of people in everything. He came to this world for this purpose. Don't think he will get better or improve, believe it or not, that is not going to happen. All the best!
“Only you can choose survival over victimhood. “
I would like to encourage all, the good in you is endless/timeless. The best of you can only be freely given, not stolen. Go be awesome. Realise that who you fell in love with was yourself, cause you are/were that awesome/beautiful. Enjoy the ride, be the Phoenix, and know your/you're love.
Thank you. I've been a codependent for 25 years. Its finally over. Your videos have helped me tremendously.
Thank you for this message….Grateful for your encouragement and attention to this tough healing journey!
Thank you, Sam Vaknin (and thanks to a very bright lady for having shared this particular video with me). As a three-time target of workplace mobbing and the expected "smear campaigns" that ensured (within the same organization over a 7 year period), I agree that "moving on is a process...not an event..." It took me so long to face my reality, as I was "ossified", fearful of losing what was a very secure, but ultimately, very mediocre job...I finally freed myself this last time by facing the ugly truth, and taking what felt like a walk through hell (replete with fear, shame, guilt, blame, hate, etc)... Videos like yours allow us to gain courage, knowledge and insight, a huge part of MOVING ON! For me, gaining further knowledge through research, confidence and courage through sharing information / experiences with others / fighting back via defiance and truth (i.e., by acknowledging my instincts, and taking a stand against my mobbers this last time - my version of "raging back"), and getting some good counselling, I have managed to forgive myself, as well as my mobbers. As you mentioned, not the "absolute" type of "turn the other cheek" forgiveness, but the forgiveness inherent in having gained a very deep level of understanding of the nature of corporate psychopaths. Given that I "see them" for what they are (i.e., cowards who have a core of "fear" rather than a core of "love"), although I can't stand them, I don't HATE them anymore either...It feels good to have left my prison cell, and BE/OWN who I AM again...To influence the room vs. the room influencing me...Thank you for your insights - They are bang-on, IMHO!
she "survives"..... life is not about surviving.. its about freedom and happiness. "surviving is not good enough as long as you have a choice. Narcissists take away your choice... in every and any way. the only way to have any freedoms if to not be in their presence/communication.
Sarah Ravenscroft
👍🏻🙏🏻
Sarah Ravenscroft escaping a narcissist is surviving. You cannot better your life if you don’t survive.
Thanks for having the nerve to speak your truth!
💯!
Prof Sam, in all my research you are the only person that has helped me get through this horrible ordeal. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I am totally over my narcissist and have moved on. Your advice is just about the very best that a survivor could find. I know you are a victim yourself, so, for what it's worth, much love and kindness to you.
Anne, he's a narcissistic not a victim.
I was pretty before the abuse..and now i look like ive aged..i dont have the same long hair..my dark circles are so bad. On the outside, i feel like i lost my confidence but on the inside, it feels like i realised my self worth and i have so much respect for myself knowing that i am nothing like the narc and that id never cause someone so much harm.
Thank you Sam, for helping me move on...some of the steps were common sense that came in time...over years, I will never forget what he has done....my narcissist/sociopath tried to frame me..it backfired on him....I survived. HE got prosecuted. He of course is the victim...and life goes on....I choose to move on....and learn from the past.
Be love, our authentic self , so we can see the truth 💯☮️❤️
Thank you so much. You have helped me immensely. It seems a slippery slope when it comes to identifying victims and narcissist abusers as narcissism itself is "contagious". The victim is utterly confused. Its mind boggling but your videos I watched got more and more detailed. Incredibly helpful. I'm am finally moving on and loving doing my self care. I need someone to take care of...about time I took care of me! Hugs and many Thanks.
It made me realize my own issues.. made me realize My autism which is why I fell easy for the gaslighting. It’s a very very hard experience and will bring out a lot of negative things you have inside you every insecurity will be exposed and abused!!
as soon as it got to Stockholme syndrome,..the light flashed on in my head and i understood WHY i keep going back for MORE..! thank you for explaining this , i really needed to hear and learn this lesson. xxxx bless you,Sam .xxxx
That's why I like listening to you, you do not sugar coat anything.
WOW, a powerful one Sam. I absolutely do not have Stockholm syndrome (thank god) and am out. Though a relatively short connection, I have no shame in acknowledging the damage done to my psyche. The narcicisst is completely abandoned by me. I did it with grace and love. Yes, pity. I am headed fast in that direction. Thank you so very much!!!!
Can you share more on how you did this?
Thank you for your willingness to help make sense of the narcissistic reality. Knowing is powerful in understanding and then healing. The past was crazy making. You are saving lives...like mine.
You are amazing, hitting the nail right on the head. I feel less upset and more empowered after watching your videos. Thank u for sharing and educating
Remember that person or people wanted what you have and they dont. It doesnt need to be material, it can go right to your personality and spirit. Do something every payday that you would do for someone desrving who needing healing. Buy bubblebath and bathe by candles, make a wonderful meal, etc. The sorrow in your eyes shows but you are beautiful and can be joyful you made it through! You are not alone. I am learning this so late in life it is sad but hey, I can teach my kids and encourage others! 😀
Thank you Sam for all of your enlightening videos. I learned so much and my life is now shifted drastically for the better because I finally gained insight into the abuse I was waking up into and oblivious of everyday living/corresponding with my narc parents. I respect you sincerely for having the courage as a narcissist to delve into your own mental landscape and informing the masses of what goes on in a narc's mind. 99% of narcs do not have the guts/will to self-examine thus ruin lives with their continuous stream of fantasies and web of lies.
I can not thank you enough for your videos. The grace of God and your videos are currently my lifeline. I have only been away from my ex-husband for about a month and a half...after 8 years. Your videos have taught me so much. I'm not quite sure what I would do at this point without them. The stalking, harassment, threats and blackmail are so overwhelming, scary and even unbearable at times. I continue to pray, watch your videos and keep saying to myself..."this too shall pass". I believe that God can in fact use our difficult times to strengthen us and eventually use them to bless us. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for the time you have taken to educate and help us through these very trying times. I want to also thank everyone for their comments as they have also encouraged me and given me a little more peace of mind. May God bless you and your family.
How are you doing right now?
@@meriemmimi104 I am doing much better. Thank you for asking. I had to move away from my hometown and start all over. It’s been very difficult over the last 7 yrs however by the grace of God, things are good and I am a changed person, for the better. I still do not date and I’m happier now than I ever have been. I have learned a lot about narcissistic people and their connection to evil spirits. Everything I’ve found regarding these ruthless and relentless people is spiritual. God can remove these people who torment us from our lives. God bless you and yours always. How are you now?
@@WrenRH happy for you , well i'm just in the beginning of my journey , it's been two years since I started learning about narc because of my narc family but only two months since I broke up with my narc boyfriend of 11 years , I was so shocked when I faced the truth and realized the mistreatment I had tolerated because of the denial and dissonance prevented me from seeing his evil sadistic behaviours , the abuse was also ambiant and covert I was so blind to notice . i'm only 25 years old so I grew up with him not knowing how to put boundaries and being 100% dependent on him .every time I face my emotions I'm in a deep sadness , I feel wounded but i'm learning to be strong without him . He is hoovering and stalking me sometimes threatens me using my weaknesses but never going back to him, this last year of our relationship the abuse escalated a lot i'm sure he would've beat me or kille me one day if I do not exit his la la land. (Excuse my bad english )
@@meriemmimi104good for you, peace and happiness to you in your future.
I was in a situation with a narcissist and thanks to you and listening to your videos I gained the strength to escape because only understanding the problem from you I was able to act on it...many thanks
I left my Nboyfriend a month ago today. We share a one year old little girl together and he has not made any effort to see her or talk to her. Even though he has made some effort to get to me and make comments that I can only assume were intended to keep me hanging on a string just incase his backup supply does not work out. I moved back in with my parents and we are now planning on moving out to Hawaii so we can be as far away as possible. It's the only place I can think of that has not been tainted by his abusive cloud of darkness. I am starting to dream again and these dreams have included my nex. I have cried so many tears that I don't think I can cry anymore. Seeing my daughter look for her dad, unable to understand any of whats going on, is heartbreaking. I remember how horrible it felt to be in that relationship, yet sometimes I begin to catch myself getting back into the cycle. I just want to raise our little girl up right and heal from the inside out so that I can be the best mother I can be. I am scared but because of people like you in this community, I will finally be able to completely move on. Thank you for all of the work that you do.
To a narcissist you are a sociopath. Truest words even spoken.
Yes, never deny yourself, have fun, learn, grieve then move on! Hopefully forgive your past and admire your progress no matter how slow it all took to actually come all together.
So far a lifetime of aloneness is best and more peaceful. The longing is there but in todays world serenity trumps flings of neglect and being used and discarded. I enjoy reflecting back that I’m overcoming it all; and, love just being me.
ETA🌹
I felt great peace in my heart when I forgave my childhood abuser, I told him face to face. Like poison leaving my soul. I hope that was right?
If it felt and continues to feel right and set you free, it was right
Move on and do it KNOWING THEY WILL NOT CHASE YOU.
Leave wisely, leave silently,leave despite your excuses, be safe and move on no matter what your excuses are. Cos in the end, all your reasons are excuses if you think about it.
Thank u so much for Ur videos, I can't express how much they have helped me. I'm getting stronger dealing with the narc in my life, and its bc of these videos. I don't know where I would be if I didn't come across Ur videos, they have basically saved my sanity! Thank u so much for Ur time and knowledge. I felt so helpless, but now I know how to cope so much better and not let him get to me. Its driving him nuts...hes got worse but now he's realizing it and is moving on to other people to be in that codependency relationship with him.
In the process of moving on. 7 yrs of insanity. I somehow found my self worth. Went from feeling like less than nothing to being good with who I am & knowing I deserve to be treated like a person not an object. I’m 50 & have dealt with abuse my entire life. When you realize life is too short to just endure pain & that you don’t owe it to anyone to be miserable that’s the turning point. I’m going to enjoy the time I have left here.
Sam, your videos have been very eye opening and I want you to know they have sped up my recovery so well! I don't feel I've lost my loving and trusting self at all. No abuser will ever change who I am, and I'm proud to say that
Thank you for the video... I wish I have known this words before... my narsistic ex-husband also took all the money away, and I find it very difficult to heal and to be survivor for 5 yrs now... but I will listen to your video on and on till I find the wake-up words for me... again thank you, it means a lot to me...
thank u thank u so much for your work and your help. I am making the final cut today. after 14yrs im ready to be a survivor. we have been split for almost two yrs but I hav been in some kind of limbo. u hav given me the strength to move on. so that is just what I am doing. almost all my stuff is moved over to a neighbor ing town. it will b done by the end of this night
EXCELLENT, YOU EXPLAIN PERFECTLY MY 2 LAST YEARS, MY NARC COMMITTED A SUICIDE AS I PUT THE STOP TO THE ONGOING DRAMA, I LEFT, HE PUT THE END TO HIS DARK LIFE. HE WAS 33. FORGIVENESS BECAUSE IT'S ONLY THE PITY THAT I HAD AT THE END FOR THAT EVIL MONSTER WHO WITHOUT HIS TOY BECAME A POOR LOST KID...
Im a survivor. Toughest shit ive ever been through though. But much wiser for it. Thanks Sam for pulling me away from 9 of the 10% bullshit on RUclips.
I have been involved and it is awful, but I still have sympathy for him, because he really cannot help himself. How sad.
You're an angel and brilliant, thank you for the depth and new info that others don't give. I really needed it. You brought the missing pieces that I didn't have after a year of trying to learn about narsasism. In a way, you're healing though your videos please keep on, I need you. Thank you
I can live well without forgiving the predator. It is ok to feel anger. I will never forgive anyone without true remorse for anything -and thats ok.
And yes, surely I will tell the truth about my experience with him to anyone asking. How come a narcissist can be so afraid for his image and reputation when he/she constantly acts like a total asshole? I am sure this fear is why he hoovers like a maniac right now, no other reason. Just can't take it that anyone get out of his manipulation and really dislike his show.
Tooo much harm has ben done to me during my 11 years with my Nwife. It is my right to not forgive her. what for? She will do the same to her next pray/supply...and so on and so on. They will go over dead bodies to reach their sick goal without any remorse...
To apologize truly, one must address the aggression and the emotions the have inflicted and elicited. To apologize is to understand the hurt one has dealt, with no help from the victim. Until you are understood, no apology should be accepted. Is a narcissist capable of this? Possibly, by a lucky guess.
@@MimeswithRhymes oh they say sorry but they don’t mean it and do it again and again
Distance yourself from the narcissist & see how you feel. If you have never known such peace stay away from the narcissist.
Excellent, well explained video Sam. Iv been through all the stages of recovery and the final conclusion .....he is now dead to me. This was my first intimate narc experience and through your videos and others I now have peace and happiness back. Thank you and may you have the same
I have tried to not listen to the harsh words my narc husband used to speak but it did affect me mentally and emotionally. Turning deaf ears has harmed me more.
So glad my friend showed me this
this was my reaction on another video, where I saw you speak. I'm glad to see you speaking here.
" A narcist so I see it, is not a totally different person. He or she is complete identified with his personhood. The most persons are that, but have a better conditioned character. The only way out for a narcist is to lose his person. That is so I it see, the goal for everyone: become a wise being. Narcists need no therapist, but a human being, who help him or she to see, that his selfimage and selfesteem is not the foundation of u's human beings. It is in fact a illusion. There is no person or narcist. His deep feel of worthless is not the problem, in fact it is true. The person is useless and has no stability. It is constant different. When you have seen the documentary, you can see a narcists person talking about himself. What in the narcist is talking about himself, who can al these things see of himself: his acts, his feelings, the lack of a feeling. Who is te one who can observe this all? Are there two persons, one the narcist and one the observer? No the narcist is a illusion personhood which the I are believing in. So there is hope. The only thing he had to do, is not belief all this images of himself, not believes his feelings, his thoughts. Dropp them aside. Be the observer. That is the light in you. Go the way from person to present. If you really want this, and you really desire to lose yourself, there will come beings on your path, who can help you, become a being. Because you also are a bright light, a bright being."
Thank you Sam,listening to you,telling it how it is,has to be very strengthening to many people
I did move on but he even after he died more than thirty yrs ago he was always in my head. That's to you I finally don't think of him as the love of my life. Now I see him as a controlling abuser. Thank you so much for giving me the information I needed to know to be set free of him
i read an article listing the signs of a malignant narcissist mother and a scapegoat child( of the many). it was as if a stranger was writing about my life.if this is a true psychiatric fact, then why 3 therapists I saw( pointlessly) never believed me and acted like what I'd been through couldnt possibly be true?
Sam vaknin! Thank you.
When I left my ex narc nearly 2 years ago, I couldn't watch your videos then. I admit I hated you! It was so overwhelming learning about it whilst in so much pain. And you don't sugarcoat it!
Now though, I love you!
Thank you
How are you doing now?
@@samia6888 hi, I’m doing good thank you. Apart from the odd narc hanging around, but I spot them well now and protect my mental health whilst dealing with them. I am guilt free at least. Things can only get better and better after learning so much. Just a shame is so many of them.
How are you?
This is the most pregnant and subtley complex lesson yet. Thanks Sam
Thank you, Dr. Sam...It really is that cut and dry...that simple....once you make up your mind.... We can simplify our own inner and outer torment and perpetuation of the madness and pain...after NC if we really want to and choose to... We can MOVE ON! Much gratitude, Dr. Sam. Be well and safe to you and Lidija.
Surviving: like getting over a death in the family.Takes its own time on waves of grief . Cannot be got around- must be gone through as consciously undertaken as possible.Any peace that can be salvaged will be guarded at all costs.
Thank you Mr. Vaknin for this series of videos on the nature of a relationship with a narcissist. It is helping me so much and is the clearest of explanations of the abuse, and what goes on in the abusers mind. Also how to cope with it and get away. I have never heard this put so perfectly in a way to easily understand it and therefore identify it. This is necessary knowledge, truly life changing. I so appreciate you putting this here on RUclips and online at your site for free. That is such a kindness to people who are already fragile from perhaps years of abuse. And who are trying to understand and rebuild in the aftermath. Thank you again.
I finally woke up and walked away from her. She was the most argumentative, crazy making and abusive person in my entire life. I will fully recover and thrive. Making great strides and will rebuild stronger and better than ever!! She is dead to me. Erased all memories as they were fake and make believe. What a hurtful, painful yet serious and powerful life lesson! God best all my fellow survivors and thrivers!
16years and just found out. I thought something was wrong with me. Now I know. Yet escaping is so hard having endured so long. They make it hard with threats and any possible thing that could hurt a healthy person. But I will get out.
This video saved my life. 'Abandon the narcissist' got engraved in my mind back then. Thank you!!!!
Their favorite word is "Abandoned" when we escape (Leave) the toxic environment. Grown adults (Father/Grandmother) would always say... "You abandoned us"
When I started to focus on myself. Then I thought, I don't have any children I'm not responsible for them so how can I abandon them?.
They try to make you feel bad for taking your energy away especially family or someone you've known for a long time. You can not abandon someone you aren't responsible for even if you decide to change your mind about caring for them.
"We Family" they'll say but it only pertains to their needs.
Narcisists create narcisists. Abandoning in itself triggers the hollowing anxiety in the codependent narcisist. Learning constructive behaviors must go with “moving on”.
Again, brilliant stuff here. "Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds," i.e. "I never" or "I always". This is possibly the most helpful to me of your many videos. Many thanks.
I had such conflicting emotions when my abusive husband was kilt. He put me in hospital on 8/1 for 10 days &on 8/21 he was gone.
It took many years to process.. bc he wanted me dead before letting me go, he stalked me to a woman's shelter & life was a struggle with two little girls depending on me; I went home again & again.
I knew nothing about narcissism. I was in therapy & my counselor bluntly told me to leave before he seriously hurt me. But I didn't listen til the broken leg. Even then I still expected he'd be in my life..
The last time I saw him he showed up asking me (on welfare) for money..I refused, he was threatening to my gf who said something to him. I was glad when he left not knowing I'd never see him again.
I'm writing bc I'm still processing, just realizing the shock of being widowed at 27yo and the "friends" turned out to judge me harshly and avoided me like I was contagious.
I live peacefully with my dogg ♥ my children are grown. I disassociate a lot especially after losing my job in March 2020 but no one hollers at me & I don't live in dread of upsetting anyone.
I believe God blessed me with this life. I've outlived the ppl that abused me for His purpose and I testify that life is good.
Please be safe and if you pray please include me. 🙏 thank you for reading.
Thank ou, Dr. Vaknin!! I thank you every day....for the enlightenment, support, healing, plans to heal, making our choices in these drastic life changing decisions..that are so hard to make...Especially when they are your "family"! TYSM! I feel empty sometimes!! Everything you give us helps!
This is so helpful and clarifying ! Many many thanks 💙🙌🙏
Thank you so much for this video. I feel stronger from watching it. “Move on”
+Karen Baxter - I finally complained to the manager at the coffee shop about this guy and he has stayed away. I do see him every once in a while but he no longer bugs me. :) he knows better now.
I'm 38 years old after my major car accident I found myself trapped my two narcissistic parents have gone through extremes to keep me trapped I found myself with my credit tampered and then controlling everything from my car to my phone and using my pets and my grandparents is a form of manipulation. I have every textbook health problem from being around narcissist and I'm fighting for my life this is how this has been chopping away at me for too long I really need to have my life back
I befriended (and loved several years unrequitedly) then had occasional intimate relation with a male narcissist. The brilliant thing was when our path initially crossed I was a shrewd gal whose backbone was solid. I was already u accepting of criticism (beyond reason) and not one pinch of his effort to demean me was ever absorbed. Still, I loved him for other things, really. However, he continued and continues to drum to his own beat. Regardless of my feelings. He never once showed compassion. if he did it was likely learned expressions to exist.
Thank you so very much for this video! I'm on my way to continuing my journey as a survivor!
I was with a full-fledged narcissist for 31 years. I was with him since I was 14 years old. I was mentally, emotionally, psychologically, verbally, sexually, financially and physically abused. Finally at age 45, I file for divorce. He is still trying to put me through hell. He took all the savings and left his son and I with nothing. I had to go on housing assistance and he bought a brand new muscle car and a house. I'm still fighting in court. It's been almost four years since I file for divorce.
I still love my Narc,(the last), even though he treated me like trash.
I mourn the person he was in the beginning,and I feel bad for him,it’s always been obvious to me that he’s hurting,that he can’t possibly live a fulfilled life the way he treats people. Even if I wanted to see him, I know I have to “serve” him,(I won’t describe what that means),but..there’s just no way. No way.
...and that’s helpful,for me, in order to move on.
Thank you! I love the way you speak on this hard topic 🙏
So needed. Too seldom are words of love and forgiveness spoken!
I have 2 narc sisters, so much pain. Thank you, bless you 🌟
Thank you Dr. Sam! Unknowingly, I have gone through each and every process that you described. Thank you for confirmation. By the way, I took the route of forgiveness and I am more aware of the signs.
Thanks Sam! I find your video very helpful!
Great video. I must say that self-care and inner child work was SO helpful in making the steps to leave and heal