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Hyper-Independence & The Dismissive Avoidant | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
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- Опубликовано: 18 авг 2024
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In this video I'll discuss the experience of hyper-independence as a Dismissive Avoidant.
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #DismissiveAvoidant #ThaisGibson #PDS #Independence #HyperIndependence
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Closeness to people is unsafe. This is totally how I feel. Even my best friends are kept at a distance. Although I would like to be close. It’s scary. This video really resonated & is helpful.
I too am a DA. Others can not understand us nor can we understand them. Unless we work on ourselves, that is.
I do not like the way I am and I understand now just how bad I have treated the ones in my life. The absolute love of my life walked away and I can say that I don't blame him.
Be kind to yourself, heal your core wounds and you'll have that happiness that you deserve.
Sometimes I just watch these videos on DAs and cry. I've spent my whole life thinking something was inherently wrong with me, like I just was not supposed to be in a relationship. These videos have been like someone is reading directly from my thoughts and explaining how I process and see the world and partners. It's a relief to know this is a real thing with a name and not just me being socially/romantically inept.
My father died tragically when I was young and my mother was constantly in and out of jail and leaving to different states randomly. I had to grow up fast and dealt with a lot of the trauma alone because I did not want to speak to a therapist.
Thanks for these videos
As a DA I myself relate to a lot of her content and like the fact that she describes DAs compassionately unlike a few other youtube channels I saw. In some videos and her content on PDS I literally thought she was reading my mind.
sending you love and care. DA deep down is just a wounded child. But as long as we do the work we will FOR SURE experience love for ourselves truly and from others
You prolly dont give a shit but does anyone know of a method to log back into an Instagram account??
I was stupid lost the password. I would love any help you can offer me!
Im sorry your mom was in jail. Mine was in the psych ward. Its so devadtating emotionally to have a mentally ill mother. Bless you
I want to introduce this stuff to my DA ex so bad, but I am afraid to scare her off. How do u guys recommend I let her know? I'm FA btw
I feel like I’m not even trying to be independent or anything it’s such a part of me I don’t even realize it’s getting in the way of a beautiful connection.
And that fear of vulnerability and fear of being laughed at for needing something. Its such a threat.
As a DA/FA, I caNOT express how amazing your videos are and how I can watch and learn witbout feeling judged. Your series has absolutely helped me work on myself and my relationships. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing that Andrea :) you're doing the work so make sure you give yourself a lot of credit as well :) - PDS team member
You are a gift to the world - your messages - your knowledge is very much needed today in age!
Thank you for saying that Marjorie! Your support means a lot - PDS team member
When I mention tidbits I learn from PDS to my DA or exhibit truly listening, he sometimes opens up like a flower and it is shocking just how spot on these teachings are. I can see him feel heard and it just shifts the energy. It throws me that the polar opposite of the codependent exists. My very slow learning of how it works for the DA is why I'm not going to pounce and drag him to this video or another go at us. But I watched this video 5x straight and just want to digest this over time. Not to avoid the self but to become more effective at communicating and maybe allowing DA individuals of my life the space to feel understood. Feeling understood is just such a gift. Its what I get from PDS. Another amazing video. This strikes such a nerve with us. Thank you so much
Thais, you are such a role model to me. You have literally helped me so much with these videos. I left my boyfriend a week ago because he (DA and I’m secure with AP tendencies in a romantic relationship) was just not willing to put in the work needed for our relationship to be healthy and thriving. Realising the DA - AP toxic cycle is so important and I realised it can’t just be me willing to learn about him, he has to want to learn about me too. Thank you, dearly.
Definitely takes effort on both ends.... Happy you chose yourself and what was best for you. Thanks for sharing and thanks for your support! - PDS team member
Good for you!
Isla R. Such a good point about DAs being willing to learn about the other person, not just themselves. It’s impossible unless the will is there to do the work.
As far as I can see, the only real relationship match for a DA is another DA. Then they can avoid each other together, spend their time independently scrolling their phones in the same room, admire how independent their partner is, never feel any vulnerability or lack of 'space,' and center their all conversations around agreeing on how nobody else is 'together' enough. Being with an unhealed DA if you're anything else is an absolutely futile endeavor. I'm glad channels like PDS provide compassionate content for the ones that are genuinely committed to healing and showing up better in relationships. Most DAs self-identify as secure and just judge everyone else. Getting to the point of at least acknowledging there's a problem is rare.
@@howtosober that's pretty spot on. I feel like DAs don't want each other, because deep down they are craving the kindness, compassion, and nurturing that secures/FAs/APs can provide, so they are drawn to those traits and even work for it in the beginning only to be terrified by them when it gets more serious then they pull away :(
OMG my relationship with my DA ex was absolutely consumed by his needs. All we ever argued about (and by argued, I mean he constantly picked fights about) was *his* needs, *his* boundaries, *his* space, *his* schedule. I gave and gave and gave to that relationship and it was never enough. Then, whenever I tried to assert my own needs and resolve why they weren't getting met, he would hijack the conversation and make that about *his needs* too. There was no room for me at all, and he didn't care. "I, me, my" were his obsession 24/7. Ugh. I'll never get involved with a DA again. It was exhausting, he took from me til I had nothing left to give myself and then blew up the whole relationship and disappeared. I got literally nothing out of it. And of course, he's never bothered to apologize or own up to his shitty behavior. I mean, why would he? *He* got everything he wanted.
This is so sad. I was with a DA, too, and didn't know what the problem was but I know now. We are talking again and he's been very flirty with me but now I'm the one keeping my distance emotionally and only offering friendship because I don't want to repeat the same cycle with him but he's actually interested in possibly healing his DA. I still won't get my hope up, though. I'll trust what I see and what's real instead. There are so many people looking for good people, wanting a solid, loving relationship, we dont have to settle. But, when I read your story, it reminded me of my experience and I felt deep compassion for you. You deserve someone every bit as giving as you are. I pray they find you and until then, you're so happy, joy-filled and securely attached to yourself, they'll just be a bonus in your already fulfilling life. 💞
3:12 video starts
Thank you❤
The problem with asking a DA what their needs are in a relationship and how to make the relationship more fulfilling is that the answer is almost always, I need LOTS of freedom/independence(hyperindependece)/be left alone.
This is a beautiful video, I'm so grateful for hearing these perspectives. I'm an FA and when I watch these DA videos, I keep thinking of my ex-boyfriend, and everything you say describes his relationship with love perfectly. It's really healing for me to be able to think of him and his difficulties with love with compassion and acceptance since it all came from childhood circumstances and core wounds.; and also knowing that I couldn't have helped him, he has to help himself first. Amazing, thank you! 💕
As far as I can see, the only real relationship match for a DA is another DA. Then they can avoid each other together, spend their time independently scrolling their phones in the same room, admire how independent their partner is, never feel any vulnerability or lack of 'space,' and center their all conversations around agreeing on how nobody else is 'together' enough. Being with an unhealed DA if you're anything else is an absolutely futile endeavor. I'm glad channels like PDS provide compassionate content for the ones that are genuinely committed to healing and showing up better in relationships. Most DAs self-identify as secure and just judge everyone else. Getting to the point of at least acknowledging there's a problem is rare.
The thing that is MOST frustrating, tiring, saddening, and exasperating is the lack of any effort. Just no intention or trying. If that were present, any effort at all. Would feel like the richest reward. Instead, it's cold, colder, and frozen. Who wants live like that!? It's hard! I love my DA so much. I treasure her story and how she got to where she is. She was not like this initially, not for over 2 years. Then she shut down. It does scare me that she won't even try. I feel so unwanted most days, like I'm not good enough to be chosen or loved. That is just not healthy to feel this way all the time. We have date tomorrow to have some time together and discuss us. Hope we van take some baby steps.
How’d it go?
Update?
That last part about about their perceived thought that others can't meet their emotional or relationship needs is so true...and thus a consistent imbalance...THAT'S a really important point to address...makes perfect sense in my relationship! You nailed it on the head again!!
This is the most important video of yours I've ever seen. I've recently gotten into somatic work and it has absolutely helped me retrain my nervouse system. Breath work is just the beginning!!!
This is me. Too many failed relationships to place too much weight in another. Much lower risk to go it alone, especially given today’s dating market. Nothing in my life has ever had as low a return for effort as romantic relationships.
Same but I've learned to be just really happy single. I did some PDS courses as well. Either way finding a good place whichever route you choose is key.
Beth Anne Harrington can you be more detailed with your experience with the PDS courses?
@@brettawesome helped me to see there a difference between being DA and just being disinterested in romantic relationships and happier single. I don't have that deep desire for a romantic relationship that PDS assumes every human being as. If I did, PDS would teach me how to become secure and get that partnership tho. So not dissing that.
I've learned I now identify as aromantic which is inability to experience romantic attraction/attachment. And I'm embracing it. And I've learned at amatonormativity is the widespread belief that everyone wants a serious romantic partnership and everyone is better off with one. Fuck amatonormativity. I'm an introvert and loner with amazing relationships with my friends, family, and animals and don't need to fit into anyones box. I can date casually if I feel like it or not... and not have to worry about another human or relationship or lack of one all consuming me like so many do.
The shadow work course would he good for total beginners to shadow work. It is helpful to learn about attachment styles tho because it explains why people behave as they do. I can identify unhealthy behaviors in people and why they're doing what they do and avoid things I'm not willing to deal with. I practice interdependence in the relationships I do choose to have as well.
Beth Anne Harrington wow that kind of sounds like me lol. Had never heard of amatonormativity but will have to look into it. Thank you for the input 🙏🏻
I cannot thank you enough!! You are making such a good impact in this world!! Keep on it!! You're awesome!!❤❤❤
Thank you Sanjukta! You're also awesome :)- PDS team member
How do you do to make the DA to understand themselves beyond their survival needs, while they think they are ok and don't need help? :))
i just had a hyper independent relationship end and found this and i wish so much that she could have seen this I'm codependent and the closeness pushed her to flight its so crazy we needed tis so much. i just hope she finds it so she can be happy with the next person she's with but i truly wish it was me. but tis been an eye opener and learning thing for me but i still find im trying to work on me and her lol this is for me now for the fact that i thought i was the problem and never realized it all went to the plan of toxic independence. it was not my fault and that lifts such a weight off my heart. ty
I FINALLY just joined!!!
Ive never really heard these things described so accurately and clearly. Shes very good.
My avoidant dismissive long-term boyfriend whom I've lived with 14 years gets triggered by simply suggesting food and snack ideas. He told me he's an adult who can get food himself if he wants it. He interrupted my loving helpfulness as infringing on his individuality and hyper independence. He grew up around alcoholic violent parents who abused each other in front of him and his younger brother. His mother expected premature independence from him and his brother early on, where they'd help themselves to breakfast In early infancy and left to play outdoors in the country for hours unsupervised. So I'm guessing it's connected to his rejection of my emotional nurturing in my adult relationship with him.
Wow so powerful! 🤩Thais - you’re so brilliant on this topic! You’re videos are mind blowing 🤯 I adore you and the work you do for people. This is a serious topic and I know so many ppl in these scenarios and are so unconscious.
Hi Thais, I Would love a video on the FA and hyperfocusing. For example when getting triggered hyperfocusing on either the partners feelings and needs (anxious side) vs deactivating strategies hyperfocusing on all other things around them projects etc (avoident side). Both sides all in order to avoid them selfs unconsciously. To not acknowledge their on feelings and needs.
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My father passed away by suicide when I was 20. I had to step into a caretaker mode for my family. Could that trauma have pushed me towards Dismissive Avoidant or would the trauma had to have happened at an earlier time in my childhood?
Your attachment style can change depending on life circumstances and relationship dynamics
I wish I was a DA. Not needing people.
I understand why you would feel that way, there are SO many assholes out there and the world can be unsafe sometimes 😫 But I’m a DA, and I can assure you it’s not all sunshine and rainbows over here 😂 I hope you can find good people in your life. I have two now, baby steps right? 😅
It feels safe, but you can't just get rid of the deep need for connection. The result is you live a gray existence: dampened pain, and muted happiness.
My entire story explained in one video.
Can a DA who is hyper dependent be abusing alcohol or weed as a coping mechanism? Can you talk about which personality types most likely abuse these and why? Thank you
A friend of mine is hyperindependent and I think she's DA and yes, she has been close to alcoholism in the past. Fortunately she recognised her patters soon enough and she could control it. But she definitely had an alcohol problem.
Can you do a follow up for what to do if you’re the partner of the DA? I’m at my Witt’s end with my husbands activating strategies. He doesn’t seem to be interested in learning or growing and changing. It’s too safe for him to stay the way he is, but it’s getting to be too much for me. Im trying to learn and understand why he does what he does... but I’m wearing down.
Dump that loser
So, can a DA, especially a people pleasing DA be both hyperindependent and codependent? I would love to see an in-depth video on people pleasing DAs!
No, they are opposites.
Yes, people pleasing DAs can swing between codependency and hyperindependence in their behavior but it's kind of a superficial level codependency that they basically use as a coping mechanism. It's not an actual desire to be enmeshed, if that makes sense
Yes. I'm codependant in certain areas of my life. Then over independent in other areas of my life
Perhaps they have FA tendencies
Sounds like an FA
I have a theory that poverty or low income in adulthood is a significant contributor to attachment dysfunction in relationships. Is there any research that's been done on this?
Because if what you're saying is true that the dismissive avoidants attachment is triggered due to a flight or fight response being triggered than it wouldnt be farfetched to believe that the level of income is a factor that can contribute to that. I wonder what we'd see if we tested attachment styles across income levels. Would we find that securely attached people probably make more than those with insecuee attachment styles?
@@ranatamraz3486 wow they makes sense!
@@ranatamraz3486 that makes a lot of sense in a deductive sense, do you have any studies to show this?
@@ranatamraz3486 thanks
No, never saw a connection in all my research. A family can be poor and still be healthy and loving.
I'm 72 years old. Where was this information when I needed it many years ago? Why wasn't therapy aware of this in time passed? It's really a heartbreak to have incurred years of loss, do to my insecure attachment. By the way, I've reached out for help. I never could find a professional person qualified to assist me with my issues.
Chuck3999..how are you now?
@@warmhart2034 Hi there, today... extremely independent, very lonely, feeling a little hopeless. I earlier this year tried therapy. The results were not favorable. She tried the EMDR. Unbeknownst to me, this was a complete waste of time, and money. I had later learned that anyone who endured repeated neglect, and other types of trauma, could not be helped with this EMDR. What I now believe is that Interpersonal psychotherapy would of been a better choice. Since, it has impacted me with issues on having healthy boundaries, setting limits with myself and others. Deciding what I want, and not always being compliant with others for the sake of geeting along. I'm a INFJ, by way of the MBTI testing. Couple that with a insecure attachment. Basically, I'm a lone wolf. I'm a old soul as well. My interests include Psychology, Philosophy, and Metaphysics. I live alone. However, would love to be in a healthy secure relationship with the right companion. Yet have a fear of intimacy. That is getting close. I also have trust issues. Bottom line is I'll probably live my remaing years alone. It's alot of work in starting over in getting to know each other. Thanks for your thoughtfulness!
Hi Thais....
My partner is a pretty equal breakdown of DA, FA, and AV, with DA being the dominant percentage after taking your quiz... only 5% secure... I'm a SA...
He has every characteristic that you outline, but because of online porn , prostitution and leading a secret double life he's pretty well shipwrecked the relationship. He's over 60, and not always able to grasp emotional/psychological jargon and concepts... VERY simple brain. So HELP... I now have a greater understanding of him due to your amazing youtubes which I am extremely grateful for. But helping him to that understanding that brings about change is another thing altogether without him feeling micro managed and controlled, etc. Any suggestions?
Gratefully, Caroline
Is hyper-independence the same as counterdependence? 🤔
No
Yes
Good morning! Thais, I need guidance on pursuing my PhD in attachment theory, focusing upon childhood attachment style development as it pertains to adult relationships; please advise. Stay radiant! - Jonathan
Did you get to speak to Thais?
This is me…….oh no
Good one
Can someone be hyper independent WITHOUT being a dismissive avoidant?
Can a DA actually FAKE their interest in another person in any relationship?
Of course they can
Hello Ms. Gibson,
I’ve been watching your RUclips videos for a few months now because I want to have someone in my life who I believe is a Dissmissive Avoidant personality. However I don’t know how to initiate the conversation about personality styles because this person has become quite closed off to me. I care for her and I know she has strong feelings for me, but it is impossible to speak to her about issues of intimacy. She said something to me that hurt and was meant to keep me at a distance but I think she said this as a way to protect herself from me getting closer to her.
If I didn’t feel she wasn’t interested in me on some level, I wouldn’t bother commenting and asking for advice. But I know she cares despite the recent radio silence. She has other non-verbal ways of communicating with me. And her childhood fits the DA profile you offer.
In short, how do I get this person to get the help and encouragement she needs when she won’t let me talk to her, let alone begin to take some of your courses? I know I’m asking a lot, but I think she’s worth it even if it doesn’t mean she and I end up together. Any thoughts would help.
Regards,
MT
You don’t. If you push a DA it’s counterproductive. They either run away or bite back, like a wild animal.
One has to get to the point of where you are are communicating again. Thais has done some videos on how to communicate with a DA who has shut down. If one gets into a place where you are communicating again generally DAs are quite open to learning about this stuff as an outside interest. I have found the best way to introduce them to this work is to either do so abstractly or tell them about you doing the work (for yourself) and subtly suggest you can send them some links if they are interested to learn what you have been up to. I wouldn't suggest that they need help! They will just shut down again. By taking a more general approach to introduce a DA to attachment theory and the work in the PDS DAs can actually get interested in it and will engage because they can be be quite interested in personal development. If you think about it, it meets their needs to self-sooth and take care of themselves, so is actually of interest. However, its important to not to tell them it is they that need help etc initially because that would be a huge turn off. I think it would put many people off if they were not in the right place to be open to this suggestion. My DA seemed very interested to learn about they stuff I had been learning about my own FA traits when I subtly introduced it to her. She asked me to send her some videos on what triggers and FA and how to communicate with them when they are triggered. Whether or not they (the DA) will then do the work is another matter. This is not unique to a DA but attachment style; one has to be willing to do the work yourself or else it is a complete waste of time. It takes two to be in a relationship and you can’t "fix" anyone else. They have to recognise there is a need to change and want to change it. This goes for ourselves too.
My roommate thinks she's hyper independent, owes everyone she knows hundreds/thousands of dollars
11:45
Mine was co dependent
So are you saying my people pleasing avoider husband might have his anxiety healed if he is able to work to become a secure attachment style? He has been diagnosed with extreme anxiety, and he doesn’t sleep well. He always has to be doing something and feels the need to say yes to family and friends that ask for help a lot.
I want to listen to this but the vocal fry will not allow 🏃🏽♀️ 💨💨💨
Do DA exes ever come back to their AA gf they broke up with?
yes my da ex always came back and was also always the one initiating first contact (im aa). would be around 4-8 weeks. when confronted he would only work on himself, not learn about me, push away and resume his old behaviour.
Sam oof. You have to tell it like it is; you did and I needed that. Thank you
Sam same... lots of hot and then super cold behavior. I’m a month in no contact. I was the last message, and initiated last time as well. I have yet to hear from him
Maybe for a bit but they will eventually leave again. (Coming from a DA)
Relationships can feel very stifling to us. I have texted exes and gotten back with them but I always end up leaving again because I just feel like I'm hindered or restricted somehow. It is different for everyone but I suggest just leaving them be. They need to work on their attachment style before engaging in a relationship, especially with someone who also doesn't have a secure attachment style.
@@smallgay6000 Have you ever dated someone with a secure attachment style and if you did did you still feel stifled?
Ummm sooo talk a little slower?
I have no empathy or sympathy for a dismissive avoidant. They are a wrecking machine in the lives of the people closest to them. My DA POS, is far removed from independent in every area of life outside of work. He’s boss there.
Too much Botox too much eyebrow and too much eyelash on the host. Hard to watch