DA here. I had a very painful conversation with my therapist recently during which it came up that there exists a space or distance in all of my relationships-friends, family, coworkers, all the people in my life. Every one of them. I was experiencing limerence over someone I had never even met. At the time, that disconnect felt normal, like it was all that was accessible to me. And then the shame spiral, because how messed up do you have to be for all that to be your reality? But my therapist helped me realize that these feelings aren't shameful; they're my humanity trying to reassert itself... Anyway, thank you, Thais, for being a beacon of understanding and compassion always.
Thank you for your perspective. I do have a DA things have gotten wonky with, so learning this disconnect helps. I thought I was the one far from reality. But like so many things on this, we are expressing the same behaviors in opposite ways, even disconnects from reality. Proud of you for working on yourself. It isn't easy, but you are good enough and are making it work. I know connecting with people is so hard, but you got this every single baby step of the way. Er, yes I am an AP btw. I stepped away from my DA for awhile (no break up involved) cause I got a wake up call to work on myself. I intend to whether he decides to continue with me or not.
@@Stevengomez-j6q Actually yes. At the time of your asking we'd probably only just re-established contact or were about to re-establish contact. Things were a bit tense at first. He was pretty scared and obviously my leaving hurt him, even if he understood why. (He has had pain of exes breaking up with him) At first he was a bit resistant to voice chat (we were long distance) or meeting once a week to try to talk things over. But as we exchanged letters he calmed down. And I figured, those weren't my boundaries specifically, so just focus on getting in contact for now. Then work on bringing up my boundaries once he was a pinch more comfortable. He did struggle a bit with being harsh in his first letters, but he's always had that problem when wanting to express frustration with something but not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings. When he realizes he has he often freaks out and apologizes, or has to be told he was being too harsh. He recognized it this time, but was too tense early on, and was unsure how to be honest without some sting. Once I taught him the PDS learned method of saying "Hey I feel XZY when (behavior) happens. Could we work on (reasonable compromise ) together?" instead of saying "Why do you do this? You're so unreasonable/ you know I don't like that!/ Why would you think that's okay?" He latched onto that and ran with it! I think he has always wanted a way to communicate problems without hurting others. He and I also had a few casual chats and he started realizing my behavior wasn't obsessive anymore. I was also honest about my limits and discomfort. I was open about my hurtful behavior and how I'm trying to correct it, but also what hurt me. He also slowly saw through my actions that yes, things were different in a good way. I started to see some of that old charm I fell for to begin with. It took me 2 weeks to write the letter about my boundaries (aka what I would need in order to stay, and what I wouldn't accept.) As well as the fact that if he didn't want to grow with me (which he has the right to) then I'll have to end any romantic dynamic between us, and remain a distant aquatence at best. I also made it clear there would be no 3rd try. As APs and DAs can stay in that cycle. I refused to stay in that cycle. We both deserve better. He knew I was still pretty scared, 'cause I am AP so I fear rejection. But also I found out I'm part FA, so I feared him accepting my boundaries means eventually he would slack off and just... not show up? But I'm forcing myself to be honest when my programing is effecting me, and make it clear it's my fears, not his fault. Basically I was scared either way. I was also scared with how long that particular letter had to be (20 pages!!! He was aware it was gonna be very long. I did divide it into sections to help) compared to the much shorter ones I'd written before. He... he actually was really proud of me when he finished the letter. Right now he's taking until the end of the month to learn attachment theory for himself, and decide what he wants to do. I would require something like the PDS or therapy consistently from him for the next month or two if he wants to continue with me. As well as us meeting once a week (can be negociated) for a small check in (nothing crazy. He doesn't have to tell me all his growing for now, just that he is) Thankfully that means ONLY working on him, and likewise I ONLY work on me before we try to work on "Us" later. (Assuming we both consistently keep growing) I expected outrage and backlash but no... he has respected me. Given my FA side sometimes tries to run a bit, I have been a bit more distant. But I tell him when it's acting up. Funny enough he's been the one to initiate more chats lately. It's nice, though it might also be a sign he misses the tons of attention my AP side used to shower him with. I still try to give him positive attention if I feel comfortable with it, and in reasonable amounts compared to the past. Sure he started out scared, but DAs are often scared of being shamed. It looks like he may actually say yes, but if he says no, that's okay too. Until then... here's focusing on self improvement!
i can tell you categorically that i obsessed over people AFTER they were gone. i was utterly disconnected from my feelings so much so that i didn't even know they existed - then when the lack of them is forced onto me i have suddenly become aware of it and it's absolutely crushing
I was laughing so hard when she talked about movie stars. As a DA myself I got a funny story. There is this pop star that is really hot. Now, celebrities are people you never expect to meet in real life. Although in college as a fun astrology game a psychic said that I will marry a celerbity one day and it is this one. I was laughing so hard back then, because I am not a taloid and not a celebrity stalker and not a gropie. (I never even went to a concert!) So, what is my chance of meeting a celebrity? And this girl, I don't know what sort of contract she sign with my local shopping mall. But, her posters are everywhere. She is kind of stuck in my head, so I made a few jokes about f***ing her doggie style on RUclips, below her music videos. And you know how RUclips suggest video based on what you previously watched? So, they suggest more of it and when I got nothing better to do on work, I sometimes add a few sex jokes on the comment board. And then she suddnely announced that she be showing up in my local shopping mall on 30th April. OMG totally freaked me out and I ran the other direction. I don't think it got anything to do with me, but it reminded me of that astrology reading from college. I pack my dog to a pet motel and spend the weekend in the city. Afterwards, I thought I will never cross path with her again. I think it is about 6 months later, below one of the comment I wrote below her music video that isn't a sex joke about f***ing her doggie style or cum on her face, she send me an message directly from her official RUclips account WTF? Now, I am sure whoever send the reply must be her assistant, producer, PR people or somebody else on her crew. But, that is still pretty freaky. I told the astrology story as a ghost story and ...that was the end of it. Last I heard of her. Now, this year there is this new RUclipsr, she is more on political commenting. She is much younger compare to me, but I do agree with what she said and she is really cute. I watch the first minute or 2 of her video when RUclips recommended it to me. I love leaving comments on RUclips way too much (I need to get a life LOL) So, I will always write something on the bottom and add a PS saying that she is cute. And then she start sending me replies. WTF? OK I am running the other direction again LOL (I can't help it. What if this girl turns out to be psycho like Amber Heard! LOL)
@@peteryang8991 Harassing women with sexually graphic comments is disgusting. The delusions and stalking will lead to prison or institutionalization...and I'm sure one or the other is necessary. None of this is even relevant to the video or attachment theory. Sounds like you just wanted an audience for your porn-soaked fantasies.
"act the opposite" YES!! This statement validated a pattern I've noticed with a former friend that I assume has strong dismissive avoidant tendencies. I'm not sure if it was limerance or actual feelings that he was experiencing, but I definitely noticed that he would say/do/express the opposite of what he was actually wanting. It sent so many painful mixed messages, I couldn't handle it.
As a DA I can confirm I've experience this. I've felt limerence before but the feelings are threatening and feel vulnerable even if I'm not expressing it to anyone. I don't even admit it to myself, I just repress the feelings and try to lose those feelings and focus on myself. I almost feel annoyed by the person I like because the feelings I develop disrupt my peace.
My Da ex before meeting me, was obsessed with a married girl. He had a care and respect he has never had for me,I think because she was married and he felt safe without a real commitment.
I'd bet $$$ that has she suddenly divorced and rejoined the single market, your ex would have got a sudden case of 'The Ick' and reached for the ejector seat button.
My observation has been that there is a consistent pattern with DA’s and fantasizing about phantom ex’s. My ex DA was in love with her phantom ex and I couldn’t figure out why she would try to sabotage our relationship by bringing her ex up. When quizzed about this phantom ex, I learned it was some guy she had and spent a night or a weekend with and this ex was likely emotionally unavailable but she seemed to have a good short term relationship with him.
Oh yes, I've seen that pattern in people I have reason to believe are DAs as well. They use longing for an old love to keep their current partner emotionally on a distance. But I happen to know that they didn't want to commit to the ex at all.
Just got out of a 1.5 year relationship with a DA, I don't think she ever got over her ex who treated her like crap, yet she said she loved him and I treated her like a queen and she could never tell me she loved me. I feel ill be traumatised forever from this relationship.
@@TrustintheLord860 I did. I've seen every video about everything. I just thought it was special enough for her to want to reach out. I've seen her so it to another ex before we were together.
Trust me, it's not about you. They just never appreciate what they have until it's gone. She probably did the same thing about you with the next person she dated and you became the standard. It's their strategy to always make sure they're never truly invested in a relationship because they will never compare to their "perfect" ex.
@purplebutterfly314 thank you. It's 10 months after the break up now. What you say is true, although with contact made once she was definitely not interested in getting back. She will sadly repeat the same cycle but I do want her to be happy.
I used to be like that! I worked for a record company for 7 years😊 so it was not hard to find a person to idealize. I am now securely attached and smiling to myself while listening to the video but it used to be my past. The more attention I put onmyself, the less attracted I got to basically strangers. I learnt to be available to ME. I am still good at fantasizing around what I want to achieve but I also take reality into account.
Hi there, I moved abroad by myself and there and then I had no choice but to open up. I recall sitting in a top restaurant with my colleagues in a foreign city and almost burst out crying- I was really lonely. So, I shared my feelings here and there and it was pretty uncomfortable- I was sometimes ashamed of myself as I believed I should bear anything. I thought I was weak. But I was so lonely that it made me feel and be vulnerable. It took me some time to get the hang of it. And then in dating, I started to notice if somebody was unavailable at the very beginning (aka a mirror), and they were familiar but I was no longer interested. In the meantime, I have lost friends also. I used to be a head type and now I listen to my heart as well. The biggest revelation for me was that asking for help and expressing feelings do not make me weak, and I put the focus on me and asked ‘why would this be good for me?’ Will he be here to hold my hand in irl or is he simply in my fantasy?
My boyfriend has limerence about his ex wife. She cheated on him and became pregnant by his best friend. He was blindsided. He excuses all of the things she did and Blames himself for what she did to him. He would never say anything negative about her but has no problem saying terrible things to me?!?! I couldn’t understand why he would project that onto me? I wasn’t there! Had nothing to do with her or him at that time. I asked him who he would do that to me? He said it’s just going to happen because she’s a good mom to his boys and doesn’t deserve to be bashed. He bashed himself for why she did it! 😢 I hate this! I’m a FA and feel a threat by this. It scares me that he cannot place the blame where it belongs!! I refuse to accept the blame being on me.
Try being the object of limerence that a DA has for you. I’m a secure attached and this DA confused the hell out of me. Now I get it. Why he only wanted to text me and only see me occasionally. Always wanting cute photos, and flirting over texts. When he spent time with me in person he was awkward and unsure of himself. Being present with me was to stressful. I accused him early of being more interested in the fantasy of me then me the living breathing person. Now it’s all so clear! I wasted a-lot of time and being drawn into his fantasies thinking they would become reality.
I can relate to that... So much texting, photos, videos, lots of banter. But in real life? Nothing, or they push you away. And this can go on for years with them...
Oh crap this explains a lot of how my DA chased me, and acted like he crushed on me, but claimed the opposite. Also explains his crush on a movie star and a celebrity in our shared Fandom.
This is such perfect timing! I just developed mini crush like feelings for an old friend and was baffled because it is SO out of my normal mode! The insight about what they can see in you too meeting an unmet need is especially helpful! (I had been wondering what had "turned on" the feeling sprocket). Thank you! I always learn so much and so often it just clicks into what's going on in my world- I'm so grateful ❤️
This was, as always, really enlightening from Thais. I'm a FA who discovered this channel after being limerent for a DA for several months. The first time we actually spoke was at a party where we had a drunken emotionally-vulnerable conversation and it seemed at points like he was trying to imply being interested (in the same covert, roundabout way that I do), but he became very awkward and distant around me after that. It was just like you described- like he was afraid of me. My immediate worry was that I'd done something while drunk to put him off that I couldn't remember, but I noticed that if I actually spoke to him first he would become somewhat normal. However, if we were just in the same room, he'd look at me like I was a blindingly bright light- glance at out of periphery and then look away. I was very apprehensive when I first started picking up "hints" from him that night because the timing had reminded me of bad past experiences (it was around the 4th anniversary of a previous limerence episode that became really self-destructive, and around the 21st anniversary of a pre-verbal trauma that likely contributed heavily to me being FA in the first place- at the time we met, I was 23 and he was 20, the same age as my sibling who was conceived soon after the tragedy). It was about a month later that I realized the extension of the impression he'd made on me, and another several weeks before I recognized what it was. I've been trying to detach from my fantasy bond with him because I know it's limiting me and setting me up for disappointment, but this was an interesting insight into what might be going on with him- which I recognize because I have some of the same tendencies. *sigh* Maybe I should actually communicate with him if he's still acting the same way when I see him again (we're in college on summer break right now), even if I don't intend to actually pursue anything with him because I know the fantasy bond we have comes from my own wounds.
Is that why at the slightest sign that you are human and make a mistake, they abandon you? When I dated a DA, it felt like she had made so many projections and put me on a pedestal (ideal self), that she couldn't talk to me. She was totally fearful, something like that, a defense.
They can't handle seeing their partner being weak. Unfortunately DA's deem a lot of perfectly acceptable behaviours as weak or needy. It's a gross misconception that can cause major devastation. My neighbour is highly dismissive, and she has this thing where if a guy that she's into trips and falls over while in her presence, it is enough to give her 'The Ick' and her attraction dies in that very moment. Granted that's an extreme case.
@@sushisam3010 I don't actually subscribe to the 'ick'. The term came about recently through some reality show I think, Love Island or similar. It's used to describe when a person, usually female, witnesses a situation or moment involving someone close to them that instantly causes them to see that person in a whole other way, and thus they lose admiration or respect, attraction or curiosity etc. It's usually a reaction to something small and often insignificant, like a person's unique mannerism or reaction to something that just happens to resonate in a certain unexplained way that transforms your estimation of that person. Personally I call 'Bullshit' on this notion that the 'Ick' is this real mystical force that instructs you to chance your evaluation of a person, and that the effect is irreversible. People perceive everything in their world in ways that make sense to them and often judge others accordingly. But everybody is flawed and imperfect. Some have unresolved wounds and trauma, and secret shame over painful memories, embarrassing moments in their past, accidents, neglect, abuse etc. Sometimes the feeling is lodged in a person's brain even when the event it's attached to is long forgotten or repressed. When someone gets the ick it's because they've possibly rightly identified a character trait that does not suit them, or they've been reminded of something that for reasons personal to them triggers negative feelings that they don't want to feel but also won't attempt to understand and resolve. So they cut ties or distance themselves from the other person and idly go in search for a replacement that won't confront them with their repressed pain or shame. Ignorance is bliss for these people and although they might feel that walking away from the reminder is empowering it's actually the opposite because they can't control how they respond to random things that can happen anywhere and with anyone. My neighbour is totally in a weakened state because of her stubbornness. She has numerous similar 'ick triggers' as well as minor phobias that are really manifestations of unresolved problems that she refuses to address. If I was evil, which thankfully I'm not, I could end every relationship or fling she has just by leaving obstacles all over the place to trip up her date. It's as funny as it is infuriating.
@@roberttruman8444 Two things seem to me: projections of one's own shame, fears, personal problems linked to family upbringing and immaturity. It seems they don't know how to value people. It's always the other losing points for ridiculous things. bullshit.
So the deep-rooted issue with dismissive avoidance is needs that weren't met but yet on the other hand when you try to treat someone good who has been dismissive avoiding who's never had their needs met do they feel in their head and their heart that it just feels too good to be true or how do you develop or show and bring out the dismissive avoidance wants and needs and desires and let them not be afraid other than just being a good person and making them happy laugh and smile am I correct when I say this I really do appreciate your insight
Today me and my gf of 5 years have called it a day! She’d lost all her feelings for me overtime.She was really upset on the phone 📞 saying she wishes she could just flick a switch on to sort it. Well she has,I just suggested if it makes her happy it’s the right thing to do… I’m a M (34) and She was ( 44 ) We’d spilt up briefly,When Covid restrictions got lifted the first time! The first 2 and a half years were so smooth.Until she had her hysterectomy! Which then sent her in to early menopause….She was never the same then. She also had a few bad experiences with men in her life. It’s a shame… As I still love her!! We’ll never be able to get back together Wished it had panned out differently
This is super informative. Thank you 🙏 Just learned something new! Never heard the term limerence before. I am secure attachment style, but it appears I may be experiencing limerence towards a DA. I think about him way toooo much. So what’s the difference between lust and limerence then?
My wife got obsessed with a so called friend of mine,another guitar player,she hounded him,over 8 months they had an emotional and physical affair but he kept dumping her,finally going no contact with her,,,she then turned that obsession onto a gay drag queen,and has spent two years pursuing him,he’s not even Bisexual,,,the other thing is,being the way she is,im sure she also thought as successful entertainers,they would fast track her status as a singer,,,it hasn’t worked
Absolutely they can during their love bombing phase.Then they will again, when they start focusing on other people to cheat on you with, because you've reached too much intimacy. Then after they run and ghost you eventually, they will start the same process over with the new guy/guys they lined up. What a miserable bunch they all are. I'd love to see a reality show of a bunch of DAs locked on an island together forced to date each other haha.
My ex also ghosted me and then went and slept with an ex of hers. I could tell she didn’t want to hangout with me because of the intimacy. But then why go and get physical with ex who is emotionally unavailable.
@nishanttn You just answered your own question. Your ex went off with their ex precisely because their ex was emotionally unavailable. She could enjoy the physical fun without any of the negative stuff i.e. intimacy. I've been 'that ex' partner, who she went back to time and time again. She'd always leave before things became too intimate for her, but my attachment would kick in before then and she'd always leave me wanting more, a lot more. It's not fun to be a 'back up boyfriend'. I always wanted something permanent but she always had an exit strategy. Lost many years to her.
I had limerence with a guy when I was a teenager .. Now in my 30s, we matched on a dating app.. I found him really smoothing and not attractive at all up close, so strange !
What about when two DAs are limerent for each other and they are both fantasizing about each other but are terrified of getting together? I have this right now and it is crazy making.
I feel ya. This has been going on in my life for almost 3 years...I'm so over it, yet it takes nothing but a second of weakness to go there again. It's torture.
If a DA feels forced to stay in a loveless marriage for a prolonged amount of time, are they likely to develop an infatuation with someone (including the pinned over ex partner) and start a long term affair with them promising a life together after they divorce their spouse but then when the time comes they decide they're no longer interested? I was seduced by my first love many years after we'd both gone separate ways, who was currently in a marriage of convenience (not a happy or respectful one) but wanted to leave. I resisted as she pursued me because I could remember going through years of pain in pursuit of her when we were teenagers, but she confessed her love and my defences were brought down. What followed was several years of promises and bogus setbacks interspersed with her withdrawal periods where everything was "fine" (spoiler alert: everything WASN'T fine!), then just around the time when the separation finally happened she apparently began losing attraction for me. The experience has put me through the mill repeatedly and contributed to a nervous breakdown. The breakdown caused me to begin therapy and I rapidly gained self awareness and learnt about attachment, which enabled me to take accountability for the things I did that triggered her and made her feel ignored and under-appreciated. I'm annoyed at myself because at the beginning I was securely attached (earned) after having spent 10 years away and reinvented myself. But this got slowly dismantled and slowly I compromised more with every accommodation I made for her with little in return. I don't really buy her reasons for losing attraction, because she's inconsistent about her reasons and also misinformed and ignoring important good points in favour of negative points. She's also not recognising good things that have happened. I think there's some truth in her complaints, but I am certain there's also selective vision and hearing on her part. I think she's trying to create distance and detach. With this in mind I am not choosing to take any of this personally or punish myself over whatever reasons she may have for breaking up (if it wasn't those reasons it would be over something else). But I am am now questioning the timing this loss of attraction which conveniently coincided with her separation. Could it be that I was only ever a distraction and supply of needs (and confidence) whilst she had to ride out her marriage? I am not proud of being involved in an affair. It certainly seemed from everything she told me that their marriage was a sham and her husband was completely sponging off of her and unappreciative of her. Nevertheless I wanted to be in a proper relationship with her and not an affair, not least because I felt like fate had brought us back together (I know, how cliché) and to succeed this time would then validate the years spent on her the first time round. Weird as it sounds I don't think her actions are hurting anymore. I would still love to have a life with her behaviours have become very unattractive to me now and I've come to see it more as a sickness that she chooses to ignore. What does hurt is that I've lost much of my identity over these years and don't know how long it will take for me to restore it or develop a new one.
I had a friend who was married for 25 years and having an affair for 16, the guy was a DA she was having an affair with, she left her husband in hopes to be with this man, the minute she filled for divorce the affair left her. This is what they do he only wanted her when she was married, the min she was beconing available, he didnt want her or to commit.
@@Miriam-ul4ke I think DA's secretly prefer it if their partners are not fully available or if there is some kind of barrier in the way that prevents the relationship from becoming full time. It would make sense considering their need for independence. One thing that only recently occurred to me is how the close friends of my DA are all in unhealthy relationships. Not one of them seems to be securely attached and free from drama. I wonder if that is a common scenario for other DA's.
@@roberttruman8444 omg!! Makes so much sense was talking to my DA side piece as not a boyfriend i dont consider a guy who sees me once a month as a boyfriend thats why u have two and num nut DA is stupid and doeant realise its been three years. Lol!! But his friends are all the same in and out of relationships constantly, i have known my DA four years in that time his best friend has had about six girlfriends, the DA im with said no ones happy i said thats because all your friends are fuc@ked. These people do not deserve loyalty, i do nothing hes pays 500 for dates, buys me gifts, i dont ring i dont texted i reply only, i give zero meanwhile he calls me his girlfriend and thinks we are in a relationship, how deluded are you. This is what he calls a relationship. I told him its transactional only, he got upset and spoke to his friend. What a weirdo, you had your chance and if after three years this is all you can give believe i have zero respect for you. Hes 50, this shows you how deluded they are. X
Can two individuals have limerence toward each other at the same time? And is it possible for two people to experience it toward each other at the same time and neither of them show it?
Yes ! It can happen, especially if you’re an anxious preoccupied attachment style having Limerence with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, and the roles can be reversed, 100% and you both can obsess over each other … this happens!! It’s happening to me !!
Absolutely. My DA does this when he's either trying to get me back or when I pull away. If he's in limerence any other time I wouldn't know because he doesn't make it obvious. As for me as an FA, I went years in limerence with him...even before we dated. When we were together I told him I was low-key obsessed with him 🤦♀️. Of course I pulled away as I always do when I am too vulnerable. We do go thru phases when we can't get enough of each other and then we tend to both cool it down by pulling it back a notch. It's weird. Like an addiction. I feel that even the fact that I love commenting on these posts about us means I'm in almost a constant state of limerence hence why I get quiet with him sometimes. Even if I don't show it, I am self aware enough to know that it's a bit obsessive. Probably why I keep breaking up with him. It's too intense even for me.
A message for the mediators of this channel: everytime I listen to a video on DA's I see a slew of hateful comments towards DAs, not far from hate speech actually and no one lifts a finger to mediate that or at least call on those who spit their anger on this channel to reframe what they are saying. Please moderate the comments, especially since this is an educational channel, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you that this is a recurring theme for avoidant attachment, being bullied and verbally attacked by people in their early lives. Thank you !!
Yes thank you! As an AP I am ashamed of these comments. We must not forget even if we are hurt, we too make harm. I think us APs forget a "benefit" of our side of the dysfunction is acting emotionally like the poor victim. Yes we are hurt, but that doesn't give us the right to claim all DA's are bad because of our experiences. There are stories of DA's pulling AP partners out of this cycle or learning themselves. Thank you for being an open voice on this.
A lot of us are traumatized by DAs - because their behavior is often bordering on emotional abuse. I'm grateful for these comments, because they helped me move on from a DA ex (8 year of trying to make someone love you, a person who can't experience healthy love - only lust, plays with your emotions, gaslights you constantly). My DA ex is an amazing accomplished person (with an insane IQ - IVY league math PhD when super young), everyone thinks he's "so cool," amazing conversationalist, I admired him so much - but a terrible person to be in a relationship with. A lot of videos out there on youtube are about "trying to get your DA ex back". These are toxic videos that unfortunately work. I was broken up with my DA ex twice and with the help of these videos from other creators, I successfully got him back. This third time he broke up with me, with the help of reading comments about how DA's suck, I've realized that I don't want this shitty relationship - one in which he could never say "i love you," withheld affection, silent treatment all the time. I realized that it wasn't my fault and that I couldn't change him. I still admire him and love him, but I don't need that anymore. There is too much emphasis out there on getting DAs back for APs and these comments are a backlash to that. I am so grateful, because I would have falling into it again. These comments gave me clarity and pulled me away from wanting to be in that trauma again. I don't mind people shitting on APs - we suck - we know! We are clingy and annoying and needy. Need attention, we lose our identity, we can become boring and childlike. Who can even love half a person! We know!!! We are told this all the time, by our relationship partners (typically DAs lol) and by the media. I need to work on myself and that's what I'm doing right now. But I know that my DA partner thought I was 100% the problem, because I am a AP I also thought that I was 100% the problem. Now I know it's a 50%/50% problem and I need to work on loving myself, before I can love someone else.
Yes, the comments are helpful for me too. I’m grateful that Thais spends her take making quality content rather than regulating free-speech which can be cathartic after so long of not being heard by a partner.
Forgive me… I’m a hurt AP LEANING TO SECURE…. I loved my DA…. I don’t feel safe reaching out my DA… he doesn’t want to try therapy or watch PDS courses… after five years of him breaking up and me begging him back or me letting him down gently and moving on just do he would come back secretly unchanged or worst. I had to block him even when I loved him… but I could keep hurting myself trying to love him… I’m a little bitter… I stayed cause I loved him and left cause I loved us… I wasn’t put on earth to be mad at my bestfriend… or the fight for phone calls… I rather the good memories that I managed to get… than hate him. It’s hard still trying to process the pain. I wrote him a physical letter telling him I wasn’t fit to be a wife or friend to him and that I resigned from our promise cause He didn’t make feel like I was ever enough… yes I’m hurt!!! We aren’t wrong! Loving a DA that has no intention on going to therapy is bad for all parties. Try to under that I’m venting and I’m too shamed to cry to my family because he has embarrassed me too many times
"My" DA just got infatuated with a co-worker because she reminds him of his daughter who passed away two years ago. Me and him have known each other for 5,5 years and a few months ago he told me he loves me. It will be interesting to see what happens when he realises she's not his daughter and that he lost his best friend. He thinks we can still be friends. Completely delulu.
My DA broke up with me saying that he's planning to date a psychotherapist who was helping him with his daughter unofficially. He explained that both had a wonderful chemistry and want to date. It sounded pretty awkward as I believe there should be a strict ethics observed by such professional. Maybe it was just his limerence.
I’m a hardcore DA but introspective as well. I don’t seem get jealous either bc jealousy is attachment based and that is a waste of time and weak. Like who cares what you do. It’s not gonna make or break me. I’m on my time. 🤣
This isn’t funny.. or normal. It’s trauma.. and not caring what your partner does is why you’ll never keep one. It’s not weak to be aware that someone can take your place because you are an A hole avoidant that can’t meet your partners needs. It’s weak to pretend not to care bc you already know you won’t make the cut. That’s what’s weak.
Yeah, my DA said something similar. Then I told them about a woman I know saying she wanted to hook me up with her friend, and you should have seen the immediate flash of jealousy and anger. No, what you are really good at doing as a DA is shoving those feelings of jealousy way down deep and pretending like they never happened. They still happened and you'll still feel it (just not right away).
This is what i want to know. My DA girlfriend has started mentioning this dad she bumps into on the school run. This guy is married. He is giving her lots of information on disneyland where she plans to go. Im wondering if shes obsessing over this?
Love your comment funny yet so cut & dry. I'm laughing because it's like you answered my train of thought as summing all this up in regards to the DA in my life. Thank you for the laugh but good advice.
DA here. I had a very painful conversation with my therapist recently during which it came up that there exists a space or distance in all of my relationships-friends, family, coworkers, all the people in my life. Every one of them. I was experiencing limerence over someone I had never even met. At the time, that disconnect felt normal, like it was all that was accessible to me. And then the shame spiral, because how messed up do you have to be for all that to be your reality? But my therapist helped me realize that these feelings aren't shameful; they're my humanity trying to reassert itself... Anyway, thank you, Thais, for being a beacon of understanding and compassion always.
Thank you for your perspective. I do have a DA things have gotten wonky with, so learning this disconnect helps. I thought I was the one far from reality. But like so many things on this, we are expressing the same behaviors in opposite ways, even disconnects from reality.
Proud of you for working on yourself. It isn't easy, but you are good enough and are making it work. I know connecting with people is so hard, but you got this every single baby step of the way.
Er, yes I am an AP btw. I stepped away from my DA for awhile (no break up involved) cause I got a wake up call to work on myself. I intend to whether he decides to continue with me or not.
@@PetalBugABoop any updates? How long have you and the DA been together? How are things going?
YOG
@@Stevengomez-j6q Actually yes. At the time of your asking we'd probably only just re-established contact or were about to re-establish contact.
Things were a bit tense at first. He was pretty scared and obviously my leaving hurt him, even if he understood why. (He has had pain of exes breaking up with him) At first he was a bit resistant to voice chat (we were long distance) or meeting once a week to try to talk things over. But as we exchanged letters he calmed down. And I figured, those weren't my boundaries specifically, so just focus on getting in contact for now. Then work on bringing up my boundaries once he was a pinch more comfortable.
He did struggle a bit with being harsh in his first letters, but he's always had that problem when wanting to express frustration with something but not wanting to hurt the other person's feelings. When he realizes he has he often freaks out and apologizes, or has to be told he was being too harsh. He recognized it this time, but was too tense early on, and was unsure how to be honest without some sting. Once I taught him the PDS learned method of saying "Hey I feel XZY when (behavior) happens. Could we work on (reasonable compromise ) together?" instead of saying "Why do you do this? You're so unreasonable/ you know I don't like that!/ Why would you think that's okay?" He latched onto that and ran with it! I think he has always wanted a way to communicate problems without hurting others. He and I also had a few casual chats and he started realizing my behavior wasn't obsessive anymore. I was also honest about my limits and discomfort. I was open about my hurtful behavior and how I'm trying to correct it, but also what hurt me. He also slowly saw through my actions that yes, things were different in a good way. I started to see some of that old charm I fell for to begin with.
It took me 2 weeks to write the letter about my boundaries (aka what I would need in order to stay, and what I wouldn't accept.) As well as the fact that if he didn't want to grow with me (which he has the right to) then I'll have to end any romantic dynamic between us, and remain a distant aquatence at best. I also made it clear there would be no 3rd try. As APs and DAs can stay in that cycle. I refused to stay in that cycle. We both deserve better.
He knew I was still pretty scared, 'cause I am AP so I fear rejection. But also I found out I'm part FA, so I feared him accepting my boundaries means eventually he would slack off and just... not show up? But I'm forcing myself to be honest when my programing is effecting me, and make it clear it's my fears, not his fault. Basically I was scared either way. I was also scared with how long that particular letter had to be (20 pages!!! He was aware it was gonna be very long. I did divide it into sections to help) compared to the much shorter ones I'd written before.
He... he actually was really proud of me when he finished the letter. Right now he's taking until the end of the month to learn attachment theory for himself, and decide what he wants to do. I would require something like the PDS or therapy consistently from him for the next month or two if he wants to continue with me. As well as us meeting once a week (can be negociated) for a small check in (nothing crazy. He doesn't have to tell me all his growing for now, just that he is)
Thankfully that means ONLY working on him, and likewise I ONLY work on me before we try to work on "Us" later. (Assuming we both consistently keep growing)
I expected outrage and backlash but no... he has respected me. Given my FA side sometimes tries to run a bit, I have been a bit more distant. But I tell him when it's acting up. Funny enough he's been the one to initiate more chats lately. It's nice, though it might also be a sign he misses the tons of attention my AP side used to shower him with. I still try to give him positive attention if I feel comfortable with it, and in reasonable amounts compared to the past.
Sure he started out scared, but DAs are often scared of being shamed. It looks like he may actually say yes, but if he says no, that's okay too. Until then... here's focusing on self improvement!
@@PetalBugABoop thank you for responding
YOG
This is true gold.
Cheers to you. Absolutely beautiful.
i can tell you categorically that i obsessed over people AFTER they were gone. i was utterly disconnected from my feelings so much so that i didn't even know they existed - then when the lack of them is forced onto me i have suddenly become aware of it and it's absolutely crushing
I was laughing so hard when she talked about movie stars.
As a DA myself I got a funny story. There is this pop star that is really hot. Now, celebrities are people you never expect to meet in real life. Although in college as a fun astrology game a psychic said that I will marry a celerbity one day and it is this one. I was laughing so hard back then, because I am not a taloid and not a celebrity stalker and not a gropie. (I never even went to a concert!) So, what is my chance of meeting a celebrity? And this girl, I don't know what sort of contract she sign with my local shopping mall. But, her posters are everywhere. She is kind of stuck in my head, so I made a few jokes about f***ing her doggie style on RUclips, below her music videos. And you know how RUclips suggest video based on what you previously watched? So, they suggest more of it and when I got nothing better to do on work, I sometimes add a few sex jokes on the comment board. And then she suddnely announced that she be showing up in my local shopping mall on 30th April. OMG totally freaked me out and I ran the other direction. I don't think it got anything to do with me, but it reminded me of that astrology reading from college. I pack my dog to a pet motel and spend the weekend in the city. Afterwards, I thought I will never cross path with her again.
I think it is about 6 months later, below one of the comment I wrote below her music video that isn't a sex joke about f***ing her doggie style or cum on her face, she send me an message directly from her official RUclips account WTF? Now, I am sure whoever send the reply must be her assistant, producer, PR people or somebody else on her crew. But, that is still pretty freaky. I told the astrology story as a ghost story and ...that was the end of it. Last I heard of her.
Now, this year there is this new RUclipsr, she is more on political commenting. She is much younger compare to me, but I do agree with what she said and she is really cute. I watch the first minute or 2 of her video when RUclips recommended it to me. I love leaving comments on RUclips way too much (I need to get a life LOL) So, I will always write something on the bottom and add a PS saying that she is cute. And then she start sending me replies.
WTF? OK I am running the other direction again LOL (I can't help it. What if this girl turns out to be psycho like Amber Heard! LOL)
@@peteryang8991 Harassing women with sexually graphic comments is disgusting. The delusions and stalking will lead to prison or institutionalization...and I'm sure one or the other is necessary. None of this is even relevant to the video or attachment theory. Sounds like you just wanted an audience for your porn-soaked fantasies.
"act the opposite" YES!! This statement validated a pattern I've noticed with a former friend that I assume has strong dismissive avoidant tendencies. I'm not sure if it was limerance or actual feelings that he was experiencing, but I definitely noticed that he would say/do/express the opposite of what he was actually wanting. It sent so many painful mixed messages, I couldn't handle it.
In a world where meeting people online is the norm, I would bet limerence has increased a billion fold.
😂 truth especially for the DA
As a DA I can confirm I've experience this. I've felt limerence before but the feelings are threatening and feel vulnerable even if I'm not expressing it to anyone. I don't even admit it to myself, I just repress the feelings and try to lose those feelings and focus on myself. I almost feel annoyed by the person I like because the feelings I develop disrupt my peace.
Right! It pisses me of when they make me smile or blush😂
My Da ex before meeting me, was obsessed with a married girl. He had a care and respect he has never had for me,I think because she was married and he felt safe without a real commitment.
I'd bet $$$ that has she suddenly divorced and rejoined the single market, your ex would have got a sudden case of 'The Ick' and reached for the ejector seat button.
Ohhh exact the same with my DA ex. 😂
HAHAHAHA not the ejector seat😂😂😂😂✨
I think Thais just answered one reason why people like movie stars & famous people so much :)
My observation has been that there is a consistent pattern with DA’s and fantasizing about phantom ex’s. My ex DA was in love with her phantom ex and I couldn’t figure out why she would try to sabotage our relationship by bringing her ex up. When quizzed about this phantom ex, I learned it was some guy she had and spent a night or a weekend with and this ex was likely emotionally unavailable but she seemed to have a good short term relationship with him.
Oh yes, I've seen that pattern in people I have reason to believe are DAs as well. They use longing for an old love to keep their current partner emotionally on a distance.
But I happen to know that they didn't want to commit to the ex at all.
Just got out of a 1.5 year relationship with a DA, I don't think she ever got over her ex who treated her like crap, yet she said she loved him and I treated her like a queen and she could never tell me she loved me. I feel ill be traumatised forever from this relationship.
God, i am so sorry. Sending light your way. You deserve A LOT better. Don‘t settle for less.
Look up Phanthom Ex
@@TrustintheLord860 I did. I've seen every video about everything. I just thought it was special enough for her to want to reach out. I've seen her so it to another ex before we were together.
Trust me, it's not about you. They just never appreciate what they have until it's gone. She probably did the same thing about you with the next person she dated and you became the standard. It's their strategy to always make sure they're never truly invested in a relationship because they will never compare to their "perfect" ex.
@purplebutterfly314 thank you. It's 10 months after the break up now. What you say is true, although with contact made once she was definitely not interested in getting back. She will sadly repeat the same cycle but I do want her to be happy.
I used to be like that! I worked for a record company for 7 years😊 so it was not hard to find a person to idealize. I am now securely attached and smiling to myself while listening to the video but it used to be my past. The more attention I put onmyself, the less attracted I got to basically strangers. I learnt to be available to ME. I am still good at fantasizing around what I want to achieve but I also take reality into account.
I'm still very much at the beginning of all of this... How did you start becoming secure? I often feel confused as to where to start with all of this.
Hi there, I moved abroad by myself and there and then I had no choice but to open up. I recall sitting in a top restaurant with my colleagues in a foreign city and almost burst out crying- I was really lonely. So, I shared my feelings here and there and it was pretty uncomfortable- I was sometimes ashamed of myself as I believed I should bear anything. I thought I was weak. But I was so lonely that it made me feel and be vulnerable. It took me some time to get the hang of it. And then in dating, I started to notice if somebody was unavailable at the very beginning (aka a mirror), and they were familiar but I was no longer interested. In the meantime, I have lost friends also. I used to be a head type and now I listen to my heart as well. The biggest revelation for me was that asking for help and expressing feelings do not make me weak, and I put the focus on me and asked ‘why would this be good for me?’ Will he be here to hold my hand in irl or is he simply in my fantasy?
@@megyerizsuzsadora thank you for your response. Yeah I guess in the end it’s about practice
So in a DA head… bad is good… good is bad…. The math in their head not mathin…, makes my head hurt just thinking about it. Sooo ima exit stage left
If youre a male welcome to a new level of hell that females will never understand especially here in the USA
Whenever Thais talks about DAs and limerence my jaws drop as I think she is reading my mind!
I recently went through the Limerence experience. This video is extremely accurate about what occurred. - thank you
My boyfriend has limerence about his ex wife. She cheated on him and became pregnant by his best friend. He was blindsided. He excuses all of the things she did and Blames himself for what she did to him. He would never say anything negative about her but has no problem saying terrible things to me?!?! I couldn’t understand why he would project that onto me? I wasn’t there! Had nothing to do with her or him at that time. I asked him who he would do that to me? He said it’s just going to happen because she’s a good mom to his boys and doesn’t deserve to be bashed. He bashed himself for why she did it! 😢 I hate this! I’m a FA and feel a threat by this. It scares me that he cannot place the blame where it belongs!! I refuse to accept the blame being on me.
My DA obsessed about his ex too… it broke our relationship…
Couldn’t be me. This is beyond disrespectful and tbh weird. Maybe think about if you need to leave what seems to be very toxic.
Try being the object of limerence that a DA has for you. I’m a secure attached and this DA confused the hell out of me. Now I get it.
Why he only wanted to text me and only see me occasionally. Always wanting cute photos, and flirting over texts. When he spent time with me in person he was awkward and unsure of himself. Being present with me was to stressful.
I accused him early of being more interested in the fantasy of me then me the living breathing person. Now it’s all so clear! I wasted a-lot of time and being drawn into his fantasies thinking they would become reality.
I can relate to that... So much texting, photos, videos, lots of banter. But in real life? Nothing, or they push you away. And this can go on for years with them...
I think I had a case of limerance last 12 months. Not a fun ride
Oh crap this explains a lot of how my DA chased me, and acted like he crushed on me, but claimed the opposite. Also explains his crush on a movie star and a celebrity in our shared Fandom.
This is such perfect timing! I just developed mini crush like feelings for an old friend and was baffled because it is SO out of my normal mode! The insight about what they can see in you too meeting an unmet need is especially helpful! (I had been wondering what had "turned on" the feeling sprocket). Thank you! I always learn so much and so often it just clicks into what's going on in my world- I'm so grateful ❤️
As usual too accurate for comfort, but this is part of growth, thanks Thais!
This was, as always, really enlightening from Thais. I'm a FA who discovered this channel after being limerent for a DA for several months. The first time we actually spoke was at a party where we had a drunken emotionally-vulnerable conversation and it seemed at points like he was trying to imply being interested (in the same covert, roundabout way that I do), but he became very awkward and distant around me after that. It was just like you described- like he was afraid of me. My immediate worry was that I'd done something while drunk to put him off that I couldn't remember, but I noticed that if I actually spoke to him first he would become somewhat normal. However, if we were just in the same room, he'd look at me like I was a blindingly bright light- glance at out of periphery and then look away.
I was very apprehensive when I first started picking up "hints" from him that night because the timing had reminded me of bad past experiences (it was around the 4th anniversary of a previous limerence episode that became really self-destructive, and around the 21st anniversary of a pre-verbal trauma that likely contributed heavily to me being FA in the first place- at the time we met, I was 23 and he was 20, the same age as my sibling who was conceived soon after the tragedy). It was about a month later that I realized the extension of the impression he'd made on me, and another several weeks before I recognized what it was. I've been trying to detach from my fantasy bond with him because I know it's limiting me and setting me up for disappointment, but this was an interesting insight into what might be going on with him- which I recognize because I have some of the same tendencies.
*sigh* Maybe I should actually communicate with him if he's still acting the same way when I see him again (we're in college on summer break right now), even if I don't intend to actually pursue anything with him because I know the fantasy bond we have comes from my own wounds.
My DA had TV star limerence. Started making me feel inadequate.
Thais is amazing at analyzing people and their ways. My favorite channel here!
Is that why at the slightest sign that you are human and make a mistake, they abandon you? When I dated a DA, it felt like she had made so many projections and put me on a pedestal (ideal self), that she couldn't talk to me. She was totally fearful, something like that, a defense.
They can't handle seeing their partner being weak. Unfortunately DA's deem a lot of perfectly acceptable behaviours as weak or needy. It's a gross misconception that can cause major devastation. My neighbour is highly dismissive, and she has this thing where if a guy that she's into trips and falls over while in her presence, it is enough to give her 'The Ick' and her attraction dies in that very moment. Granted that's an extreme case.
@@roberttruman8444What is "the ick" moment?
@@sushisam3010 I don't actually subscribe to the 'ick'. The term came about recently through some reality show I think, Love Island or similar. It's used to describe when a person, usually female, witnesses a situation or moment involving someone close to them that instantly causes them to see that person in a whole other way, and thus they lose admiration or respect, attraction or curiosity etc. It's usually a reaction to something small and often insignificant, like a person's unique mannerism or reaction to something that just happens to resonate in a certain unexplained way that transforms your estimation of that person.
Personally I call 'Bullshit' on this notion that the 'Ick' is this real mystical force that instructs you to chance your evaluation of a person, and that the effect is irreversible. People perceive everything in their world in ways that make sense to them and often judge others accordingly. But everybody is flawed and imperfect. Some have unresolved wounds and trauma, and secret shame over painful memories, embarrassing moments in their past, accidents, neglect, abuse etc. Sometimes the feeling is lodged in a person's brain even when the event it's attached to is long forgotten or repressed. When someone gets the ick it's because they've possibly rightly identified a character trait that does not suit them, or they've been reminded of something that for reasons personal to them triggers negative feelings that they don't want to feel but also won't attempt to understand and resolve. So they cut ties or distance themselves from the other person and idly go in search for a replacement that won't confront them with their repressed pain or shame. Ignorance is bliss for these people and although they might feel that walking away from the reminder is empowering it's actually the opposite because they can't control how they respond to random things that can happen anywhere and with anyone. My neighbour is totally in a weakened state because of her stubbornness. She has numerous similar 'ick triggers' as well as minor phobias that are really manifestations of unresolved problems that she refuses to address. If I was evil, which thankfully I'm not, I could end every relationship or fling she has just by leaving obstacles all over the place to trip up her date. It's as funny as it is infuriating.
@@roberttruman8444 Two things seem to me: projections of one's own shame, fears, personal problems linked to family upbringing and immaturity.
It seems they don't know how to value people. It's always the other losing points for ridiculous things.
bullshit.
@@roberttruman8444 So, do you think it's better and "easier" to have a friendship than a romantic relationship with DAs?
So the deep-rooted issue with dismissive avoidance is needs that weren't met but yet on the other hand when you try to treat someone good who has been dismissive avoiding who's never had their needs met do they feel in their head and their heart that it just feels too good to be true or how do you develop or show and bring out the dismissive avoidance wants and needs and desires and let them not be afraid other than just being a good person and making them happy laugh and smile am I correct when I say this I really do appreciate your insight
you can't, they have to accept love themselves, and if not, they will always push you away and push away real love.
Today me and my gf of 5 years have called it a day! She’d lost all her feelings for me overtime.She was really upset on the phone 📞 saying she wishes she could just flick a switch on to sort it.
Well she has,I just suggested if it makes her happy it’s the right thing to do…
I’m a M (34) and She was ( 44 )
We’d spilt up briefly,When Covid restrictions got lifted the first time!
The first 2 and a half years were so smooth.Until she had her hysterectomy! Which then sent her in to early menopause….She was never the same then. She also had a few bad experiences with men in her life.
It’s a shame… As I still love her!!
We’ll never be able to get back together
Wished it had panned out differently
This is super informative. Thank you 🙏 Just learned something new! Never heard the term limerence before. I am secure attachment style, but it appears I may be experiencing limerence towards a DA. I think about him way toooo much. So what’s the difference between lust and limerence then?
My wife got obsessed with a so called friend of mine,another guitar player,she hounded him,over 8 months they had an emotional and physical affair but he kept dumping her,finally going no contact with her,,,she then turned that obsession onto a gay drag queen,and has spent two years pursuing him,he’s not even Bisexual,,,the other thing is,being the way she is,im sure she also thought as successful entertainers,they would fast track her status as a singer,,,it hasn’t worked
Sounds like a Sociopath and not a DA.
She’s insane
Yes, they absolutely can.
Absolutely they can during their love bombing phase.Then they will again, when they start focusing on other people to cheat on you with, because you've reached too much intimacy. Then after they run and ghost you eventually, they will start the same process over with the new guy/guys they lined up. What a miserable bunch they all are. I'd love to see a reality show of a bunch of DAs locked on an island together forced to date each other haha.
😂😂😂 That would be really good TV
I’d watch that, it would certainly be entertaining!
My ex also ghosted me and then went and slept with an ex of hers. I could tell she didn’t want to hangout with me because of the intimacy. But then why go and get physical with ex who is emotionally unavailable.
@nishanttn You just answered your own question. Your ex went off with their ex precisely because their ex was emotionally unavailable. She could enjoy the physical fun without any of the negative stuff i.e. intimacy. I've been 'that ex' partner, who she went back to time and time again. She'd always leave before things became too intimate for her, but my attachment would kick in before then and she'd always leave me wanting more, a lot more. It's not fun to be a 'back up boyfriend'. I always wanted something permanent but she always had an exit strategy. Lost many years to her.
You are so smart and give so much value to people.
Can you describe what it looks like for someone to "take their power back"?
I had limerence with a guy when I was a teenager .. Now in my 30s, we matched on a dating app.. I found him really smoothing and not attractive at all up close, so strange !
You got to know him better and didn't like him again. Nothing wrong with that
What about when two DAs are limerent for each other and they are both fantasizing about each other but are terrified of getting together? I have this right now and it is crazy making.
I feel ya. This has been going on in my life for almost 3 years...I'm so over it, yet it takes nothing but a second of weakness to go there again. It's torture.
Same
If a DA feels forced to stay in a loveless marriage for a prolonged amount of time, are they likely to develop an infatuation with someone (including the pinned over ex partner) and start a long term affair with them promising a life together after they divorce their spouse but then when the time comes they decide they're no longer interested?
I was seduced by my first love many years after we'd both gone separate ways, who was currently in a marriage of convenience (not a happy or respectful one) but wanted to leave. I resisted as she pursued me because I could remember going through years of pain in pursuit of her when we were teenagers, but she confessed her love and my defences were brought down. What followed was several years of promises and bogus setbacks interspersed with her withdrawal periods where everything was "fine" (spoiler alert: everything WASN'T fine!), then just around the time when the separation finally happened she apparently began losing attraction for me.
The experience has put me through the mill repeatedly and contributed to a nervous breakdown. The breakdown caused me to begin therapy and I rapidly gained self awareness and learnt about attachment, which enabled me to take accountability for the things I did that triggered her and made her feel ignored and under-appreciated. I'm annoyed at myself because at the beginning I was securely attached (earned) after having spent 10 years away and reinvented myself. But this got slowly dismantled and slowly I compromised more with every accommodation I made for her with little in return.
I don't really buy her reasons for losing attraction, because she's inconsistent about her reasons and also misinformed and ignoring important good points in favour of negative points. She's also not recognising good things that have happened. I think there's some truth in her complaints, but I am certain there's also selective vision and hearing on her part.
I think she's trying to create distance and detach. With this in mind I am not choosing to take any of this personally or punish myself over whatever reasons she may have for breaking up (if it wasn't those reasons it would be over something else). But I am am now questioning the timing this loss of attraction which conveniently coincided with her separation. Could it be that I was only ever a distraction and supply of needs (and confidence) whilst she had to ride out her marriage?
I am not proud of being involved in an affair. It certainly seemed from everything she told me that their marriage was a sham and her husband was completely sponging off of her and unappreciative of her. Nevertheless I wanted to be in a proper relationship with her and not an affair, not least because I felt like fate had brought us back together (I know, how cliché) and to succeed this time would then validate the years spent on her the first time round. Weird as it sounds I don't think her actions are hurting anymore. I would still love to have a life with her behaviours have become very unattractive to me now and I've come to see it more as a sickness that she chooses to ignore. What does hurt is that I've lost much of my identity over these years and don't know how long it will take for me to restore it or develop a new one.
I had a friend who was married for 25 years and having an affair for 16, the guy was a DA she was having an affair with, she left her husband in hopes to be with this man, the minute she filled for divorce the affair left her. This is what they do he only wanted her when she was married, the min she was beconing available, he didnt want her or to commit.
@@Miriam-ul4ke I think DA's secretly prefer it if their partners are not fully available or if there is some kind of barrier in the way that prevents the relationship from becoming full time. It would make sense considering their need for independence.
One thing that only recently occurred to me is how the close friends of my DA are all in unhealthy relationships. Not one of them seems to be securely attached and free from drama. I wonder if that is a common scenario for other DA's.
@@roberttruman8444 omg!! Makes so much sense was talking to my DA side piece as not a boyfriend i dont consider a guy who sees me once a month as a boyfriend thats why u have two and num nut DA is stupid and doeant realise its been three years. Lol!! But his friends are all the same in and out of relationships constantly, i have known my DA four years in that time his best friend has had about six girlfriends, the DA im with said no ones happy i said thats because all your friends are fuc@ked.
These people do not deserve loyalty, i do nothing hes pays 500 for dates, buys me gifts, i dont ring i dont texted i reply only, i give zero meanwhile he calls me his girlfriend and thinks we are in a relationship, how deluded are you. This is what he calls a relationship. I told him its transactional only, he got upset and spoke to his friend. What a weirdo, you had your chance and if after three years this is all you can give believe i have zero respect for you. Hes 50, this shows you how deluded they are. X
Can two individuals have limerence toward each other at the same time? And is it possible for two people to experience it toward each other at the same time and neither of them show it?
Yes ! It can happen, especially if you’re an anxious preoccupied attachment style having Limerence with a dismissive avoidant attachment style, and the roles can be reversed, 100% and you both can obsess over each other … this happens!! It’s happening to me !!
Absolutely. My DA does this when he's either trying to get me back or when I pull away. If he's in limerence any other time I wouldn't know because he doesn't make it obvious. As for me as an FA, I went years in limerence with him...even before we dated. When we were together I told him I was low-key obsessed with him 🤦♀️. Of course I pulled away as I always do when I am too vulnerable. We do go thru phases when we can't get enough of each other and then we tend to both cool it down by pulling it back a notch. It's weird. Like an addiction. I feel that even the fact that I love commenting on these posts about us means I'm in almost a constant state of limerence hence why I get quiet with him sometimes. Even if I don't show it, I am self aware enough to know that it's a bit obsessive. Probably why I keep breaking up with him. It's too intense even for me.
His "fantasies" confused me and led to unnecessary conflict.
A message for the mediators of this channel: everytime I listen to a video on DA's I see a slew of hateful comments towards DAs, not far from hate speech actually and no one lifts a finger to mediate that or at least call on those who spit their anger on this channel to reframe what they are saying. Please moderate the comments, especially since this is an educational channel, and I'm sure I don't have to tell you that this is a recurring theme for avoidant attachment, being bullied and verbally attacked by people in their early lives. Thank you !!
Yes thank you! As an AP I am ashamed of these comments. We must not forget even if we are hurt, we too make harm.
I think us APs forget a "benefit" of our side of the dysfunction is acting emotionally like the poor victim.
Yes we are hurt, but that doesn't give us the right to claim all DA's are bad because of our experiences. There are stories of DA's pulling AP partners out of this cycle or learning themselves.
Thank you for being an open voice on this.
A lot of us are traumatized by DAs - because their behavior is often bordering on emotional abuse. I'm grateful for these comments, because they helped me move on from a DA ex (8 year of trying to make someone love you, a person who can't experience healthy love - only lust, plays with your emotions, gaslights you constantly). My DA ex is an amazing accomplished person (with an insane IQ - IVY league math PhD when super young), everyone thinks he's "so cool," amazing conversationalist, I admired him so much - but a terrible person to be in a relationship with.
A lot of videos out there on youtube are about "trying to get your DA ex back". These are toxic videos that unfortunately work. I was broken up with my DA ex twice and with the help of these videos from other creators, I successfully got him back. This third time he broke up with me, with the help of reading comments about how DA's suck, I've realized that I don't want this shitty relationship - one in which he could never say "i love you," withheld affection, silent treatment all the time. I realized that it wasn't my fault and that I couldn't change him. I still admire him and love him, but I don't need that anymore.
There is too much emphasis out there on getting DAs back for APs and these comments are a backlash to that. I am so grateful, because I would have falling into it again. These comments gave me clarity and pulled me away from wanting to be in that trauma again.
I don't mind people shitting on APs - we suck - we know! We are clingy and annoying and needy. Need attention, we lose our identity, we can become boring and childlike. Who can even love half a person! We know!!! We are told this all the time, by our relationship partners (typically DAs lol) and by the media. I need to work on myself and that's what I'm doing right now.
But I know that my DA partner thought I was 100% the problem, because I am a AP I also thought that I was 100% the problem. Now I know it's a 50%/50% problem and I need to work on loving myself, before I can love someone else.
Yes, the comments are helpful for me too. I’m grateful that Thais spends her take making quality content rather than regulating free-speech which can be cathartic after so long of not being heard by a partner.
Forgive me… I’m a hurt AP LEANING TO SECURE…. I loved my DA…. I don’t feel safe reaching out my DA… he doesn’t want to try therapy or watch PDS courses… after five years of him breaking up and me begging him back or me letting him down gently and moving on just do he would come back secretly unchanged or worst. I had to block him even when I loved him… but I could keep hurting myself trying to love him… I’m a little bitter… I stayed cause I loved him and left cause I loved us… I wasn’t put on earth to be mad at my bestfriend… or the fight for phone calls… I rather the good memories that I managed to get… than hate him. It’s hard still trying to process the pain. I wrote him a physical letter telling him I wasn’t fit to be a wife or friend to him and that I resigned from our promise cause He didn’t make feel like I was ever enough… yes I’m hurt!!! We aren’t wrong! Loving a DA that has no intention on going to therapy is bad for all parties. Try to under that I’m venting and I’m too shamed to cry to my family because he has embarrassed me too many times
@ollives I‘m sorry your ex treated you this way but thats not all DAs.
Wow, you know your stuff!
"My" DA just got infatuated with a co-worker because she reminds him of his daughter who passed away two years ago. Me and him have known each other for 5,5 years and a few months ago he told me he loves me. It will be interesting to see what happens when he realises she's not his daughter and that he lost his best friend. He thinks we can still be friends. Completely delulu.
Thais, love your videos & you are flawless here!
My DA broke up with me saying that he's planning to date a psychotherapist who was helping him with his daughter unofficially. He explained that both had a wonderful chemistry and want to date. It sounded pretty awkward as I believe there should be a strict ethics observed by such professional. Maybe it was just his limerence.
Your voice is so pretty like a pair of kicker speakers..
You have a subwoofer voice..
Boom Boom Boom
💥 💥 💥 💥 💥 💥
Boom Boom Boom
💥 💥 💥 💥 💥 💥
Brilliant help
Fantasy based.
Thanks!
I'm in Limerence with my ex from 12 years ago. lol
thank thais. i'm a freak! lol
I’m a hardcore DA but introspective as well. I don’t seem get jealous either bc jealousy is attachment based and that is a waste of time and weak. Like who cares what you do. It’s not gonna make or break me. I’m on my time. 🤣
Omg my ex was sooo like this, even the wording sounds like him haha
This isn’t funny.. or normal. It’s trauma.. and not caring what your partner does is why you’ll never keep one. It’s not weak to be aware that someone can take your place because you are an A hole avoidant that can’t meet your partners needs. It’s weak to pretend not to care bc you already know you won’t make the cut. That’s what’s weak.
Yeah, my DA said something similar. Then I told them about a woman I know saying she wanted to hook me up with her friend, and you should have seen the immediate flash of jealousy and anger.
No, what you are really good at doing as a DA is shoving those feelings of jealousy way down deep and pretending like they never happened. They still happened and you'll still feel it (just not right away).
Do they do this when they’re in a relationship? Obsess over others they meet?
Yep. Create a buffer. Never really trust their SO. There’s a wall built.
This is what i want to know. My DA girlfriend has started mentioning this dad she bumps into on the school run. This guy is married. He is giving her lots of information on disneyland where she plans to go. Im wondering if shes obsessing over this?
Absolutely
How did you figure all these things out ..
So in a DA head… bad is good… good is bad…. The math in their head not mathin…, makes my head hurt just thinking about it. Sooo ima exit stage left
Love your comment funny yet so cut & dry. I'm laughing because it's like you answered my train of thought as summing all this up in regards to the DA in my life. Thank you for the laugh but good advice.
Funny post 😀 You must be Secure attachment?