The Dismissive Avoidant's Dating Checklist (1/2) | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
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- Опубликовано: 11 сен 2024
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
Want to transform your life? If I did it, I know you can too!
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#PersonalDevelopmentSchool #DismissiveAvoidant #ThaisGibson #PDS #Relationships #RelationshipAdvice #Love #Dating #Checklist #DatingChecklist
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Intro ends at 2:00
Fast forward! 😁
Oh my God she talks way too much. Just get to the point already total waste my time
@@alixanderiashay4049 it’s a free RUclips video. Just move on, no need to leave such a nasty comment when someone’s trying to help people. She’s a young lady giving out positivity. Old enough to be your daughter.
@@yazzy1979 it’s not a nasty review. I happened to not get anything from the RUclips video. Because she was talking about so many other things. I couldn’t understand what her point was. It’s a free country I’m allowed to speak my opinion.
@@alixanderiashay4049 Yes KAREN you are. I’m sure you don’t get a lot of things out of life lol. I hope you find the free advice needed to help you 🙏🏾 here on YT
Baby blue is so beautiful on you! 💙 I'm loving the dating series! Can't wait for the FA checklist.
What you said about the DA not really questioning if they fit into someone else's life really hit me because my DA once told me I'd be perfect for them. Not, "I'd be perfect for you" or "We'd be perfect for each other."
@Neta S uhm, that's English for absolutely not, unless they have already shown that they are interested in helping you be the best you. In that case, feel free to ask him to elaborate and listen to the details.
I was told the exact same thing. It did make me pause for a moment...
I was diagnosed with dismissive avoidant attachment. In a way, that kinda makes us "selfish", because we prioritize our own needs before our partners. Picture this, you were born and taught to be emotionally independent since childhood, you've grown up your entire life without confiding in anyone, your thoughts and emotions all belong to you yourself. You've been used to this since childhood, and now, even when you're seeing someone, you want someone who is okay with this. You don't see anything wrong with yourself, because it's an identity which you've been attached to since childhood, saying you're wrong would lead to cognitive dissonance, as if everything in your life was wrong from the beginning, and that will destroy our very own "self".
To summarize everything, we have limited options in the dating pool, so we have to look for those suitable for us. It's kinda like how a mentally challenged person in dating, like an autistic, we know we're not "normal" when it comes to building deep and close relationships, and we know we'll never have a normal relationship.
@@alexong2542 it does not have to be this way, but one must question if their current view on life is the only one there is.
And that is the opposite of avoiding
@@onnol917 that's their comfort zone though. I'm an FA who sometimes leads heavily DA and while I've definitely been healing over the past 6 months or so and becoming more secure, there's a part of me hanging on to my avoidant side for dear life. I feel safe there. I'm getting it more under control I believe, but I only know 2 ways, anxious and avoidant and I hate my anxious side. It's not easy.
"Okay, first and foremost" your smile looks radiant today. Very cativating! Nice series of videos, by the way, I'm in love with PDS and the community... it's very fullfiling for me to be next to all these amazing people around working on themselves and supporting each other. Thanks for making this happen! xx
I just noticed her teeth have changed!
So happy you are getting so much out of being in the community. Truly thankful for your comment and support - PDS team member
@@kazbaby212 Yes! Me too. It was the first thing I saw in the video hahahahaha. Pretty :)
We vet in the dating stage
DAs check list
1. Take dating stage slowly (bc fear of losing their sense of self)
2. May focus on their own needs. Do they fit into my life (instead of do I fit into their life)
3. Are good at Collecting data
4. Am I clear about what u want/don't want. Find out what the other wants needs. Establish this criteria ahead of time
5. May deactivate over small things. Sleep w an ex to sabatage. Going out w another person to created distance bc of fear
6. Finding tiny excuses to eliminate a person/ Over focus on negative bc of fear
You look so gorgeous Thais.
Big fan of the channel! and bowlbys work... Really interesting to hear such a detailed account of dating an avoidant! =) Sabotaging/ deactivating because of strong emotions I've see a lot, really good advice. Stay in there with the hard emotions avoidants!
Your audio and visuals have greatly improved!!! Very impressive!!! 🙂
Indeed! I also enjoy the improvement very much so :)
Hi Thais! I am a Secure (primarily) and FA (secondarily) individual that has been trying (SO hard) to show a DA that it's safe for him to open up, but I have made little to no progress. It seems as if every time he gets close to doing so, he shuts back down just as quickly and more intensely. I don't believe you've done a video about what partners of DA's can do to help them feel comfortable and seen, if not I would love to see one!
I understand you and have been breaking my brain about this soooo much. The thing is:
Why do YOU want him to open up so much? If he is not comfortable and doesn’t feel the need to... why do you?
It could also be very confronting for themselves to have to deal with this issue and you might eventually make them feel as if you think somethings wrong with them or they aren’t good enough.
Focus first on what you need for yourself. Keeping focus on them may also be/seem like avoiding your own inner needs and wounds
I dated a DA and the sabotage part was so frustrating..he was very honest about it and even wanted to make me jealous..is that a part of it to? I blocked him two weeks ago I can't do this anymore 😥
Happened to me, too. We dated long distance for like 2 yrs, it was always me calling him, and every single time he would update me on his mom & sister's campaign to break us up by throwing all of his sister's girl friends at him (narc & flying monkeys). He never made an effort to confront them or move out of his sister's apartment. No matter how much I cried & explained how painful the whole ordeal was for me, and that I wanted him to stand up to them and make room for me in his life and defend the boundaries of our relationship bc I couldn't be there, it made no difference. I tried saying it calmly with no judgement, I tried saying it sternly as an ultimatum, and it was like talking to a wall. He just very passively accepted all of the flirtation, fondling, and occasional cheating with those other girls, and acted like a victim the entire time. When he finally came clean about the extent of everything, he left me alone to cry for about 2 hours after which he said I should get over it bc it wasn't nearly as bad as his ex girlfriend used to treat him. All of this sounds completely insane to me now, but my anxious attachment to him was rooted in unresolved grief over my dad's death in hs. I was very attached to him growing up, and I felt like part of me died too when he passed. I was the only one who wasn't there to say goodbye, and I missed the only other meaningful chance a few years later when one of my sisters took my mom to the mountains to disperse his ashes. Nobody asked me if I wanted to go, and I didn't understand why we couldn't all be there for it. So I was like the walking dead for the next few years until this bf showed up in my life. He had several really unique traits in common with my dad that really triggered me & took a hold over me. I wasn't evaluating anything rationally bc I was riding an emotional high of having "found" him again, in a way (or rather, having recovered a part of myself that I lost when he died). I was so taken with those superficial similarities, that I missed how utterly different he was in terms of attachment. My dad was always emotionally available to me, always validated me, always authentic with me (at least to my knowledge & memory as a kid) and this bf by comparison was a totally emotionally unavailable, invalidating, and inauthentic character. But all I could see was someone I felt totally safe with and who deserved my time & energy, and I was completely committed to him. I made him the center of my life, and within a few years, it destroyed everything - I lost jobs, and what few tentative friendships i had at them, dropped out of school, became estranged from family - all replaced with the utter NOTHINGNESS that is a "relationship" w/a dismissive-avoidant. I lost all self respect, all self worth, all sense of identity, and my mind, too. I watch these videos only to get a more complete picture of what went wrong & why he is the way he is, so I can grieve & let go of resentment.
Yes, I work with my DA. Not in a relationship, didn’t quite make it there yet but have been talking for 6 months. And let me tell you, if we aren’t seeing eye to eye. He will go out of his way to make me jealous.it’s flattering but hurtful at the same time.
My husband is very much DA, however, the beginning of the relationship was very different. We dated for 5 months and then got married. He was sweet, vulnerable, great at showing love in the shape of words of affirmation (my love language). I felt so seen by him. After our marriage things changed. What happened? Why was he so vulnerable and open to feel, and now he seems so withdrawn, very harsh, structured, almost to a neurotic level.
Is he stressed about something?
Narcissist are dismissive avoidant attachment style. Dismiss your feeling or sabatoge because of their feelings.
Ex-covert narc behaved like an AP/FA. He acted anxiously most of the relationship, even literally clinging to my leg begging me to spend time with him if I needed space.
There are AP narcs out there . My mom is one of them
@@0Demiyah0 agreed. I've dated a few narcissists. One was AP, one I would describe as FA and a DA. Narcissists can literally be any attachment style. Just because they share similar traits as a DA doesn't mean all or even most DA's are narcissists. I've read similar traits with people with ADHD. I went down so many rabbit holes to learn about my DA and he's an absolutely genuine sweetheart and in no way a narc.
Narcissist is also insecure beacuse of childhood neglect. Coping with ego
So, the ultimate question, and I know that it will sound offensive. Is it worth putting up with all these things in order to be with a DA?
It’s a question you have to ask yourself.
Only if the DA is willing to work on things... Otherwise No.. from a DA
If you keep attracting a DA than there are things within you that need healing. If you have done the inner work on healing own core wounds, than DA does much better with a secure person and will not be triggered as much by the secure and things can work better. However if it is all one sided and your needs are not being met not even an interest to communicate and resolve problems in the relationship then that is when you decide if it's in your best interest to stay or go. DA's are usually wonderful, sensitive creatures but if they are not willing to at least try to work out some of their issues, it might be an uphill battle. All attachment styles have their own set of issues if left unchecked can cause relationship problems. - PDS team member
@Todd Bridges sorry to hear Todd. I hope you can pull some positives from the relationship like what you learned, how you grew and what you want for your next relationship. - PDS team member
No!!
I need the FA dating list ❤️❤️❤️
Me too haha I'm so impatient 🙊😋
Samee!!
Thais, I am Dismissive Avoidant/Fearful Avoidant .. why is it that I am obsessed with consistency? My best friend (man who is secure) and I talk every day, I feel securely attached. but my bf used to call twice a day now it is barely once a week it has been progressively getting worse and worse. Why do I feel the need for consistency and anything less than that I feel wanting to throw a towel and walk away? thanks
Good morning! Thais, another excellent video. Do you have any suggestions re: which schools are best for attaining a PhD in attachment theory?
Please can you do a video about two FA's in a relationship and how they can get through the power struggle stage. Thank you!
I'm curious if you are/were in this type of relationship and how it's going? I'm a FA and I've always said I couldn't imagine dating another me. 🤣
I think it's ok to interview because i don't want to waste my time. Also im assessing their level of awareness and what work they have done. Im not just accepting anyone any more.
You look gorgeous in this video!
This is valuable. Thanks
I have done every one of those things. 🤦♀️🤣
How do you let someone youre dating tht he/she is a dismissive avoidant?
Ooof, very sensitively. I (AP) tried with my ex (DA) very sensitively and presented it in a way that was about how excited I am (!!!) to be learning about myself and that it would be amazing if he wanted to learn about it with me anddddd it still didn’t work.
They need to feel safe with you and accepted when you bring it up. Never ever make it about their “faults”, only how it might make them feel better within themselves i.e. less stressed, more connected, emotionally present. I wish you luck with your DA, I am rooting for it to go well!!
@@isla9908 I know you wrote this 2 years ago but I'm just coming across this video now. I can totally see why bringing this up to a DA wouldn't pan over well. Lol I'm a FA and super open minded and love learning about myself, but if my partner presented me with this, it would feel invasive like you've been researching how to deal with my flaws. I've actually thought about bringing it up to my DA but I would only do it by telling him about my journey with myself. Now that I've learned about DA's, I actually don't need him to change as I typically lean DA myself and I think it works for both of us. We went thru quite a rollercoaster over the years, but we've naturally evolved into softer versions of ourselves with each other.
NICE
Hi Thais how r u doing
2:00
excuse my english, if someone writes the most important things i d love to. thanks....
Is there an anxious type checklist?
Yep she has done a part 1 and part 2 :) they are the two videos she has posted before this :)
ugh
11:58