1. Am I practicing vulnerability (this is hard for DAs bc they are often self sufficient) 2. Learn what you need and communicate that to your partner Do one thing per day to open up and share who u r 3. Work on small problems don't just give up. Dev skills to improve the relationship 4. Look for red flags 5. Imperfections are not red flags. Some things need to be accepted as normal human behavior. No one is perfect 6. Speak up when u feel frustrated. Don't just avoid. Share if your need space don't just take it w no explanation
When my DA ended the relationship out of the blue she told me this always happens and why can't she find someone she can be with long term (put the blame on me and every guy). I just said, who is the common denominator in all your relationships? She got very upset and told me there is nothing wrong with her and its all the men she has dated and that is her head's way of telling her he is not the right guy for her (self sabotage, not wanting to open up, etc). I just chuckled and was like ya that's it. Never heard from her again and she has the same thing to other guys.....but she isn't the problem, the guy is lol
Thank you. Every time I watch a DA video thinking it will help me interact with my partner, it helps me understand more about me and my DA leaning side as an FA.
I don't know if I'll ever lose the feeling that being vulnerable or expressing needs will just make people get sick of me, but a lot of this is good to keep in mind even further into to relationship. I still don't default to telling my SO how i'm feeling or talking about needs and boundaries unless I'm asked, and even if he does, my natural inclination is to downplay anything negative to avoid "nagging" or "dumping" on him, but i'm working on it.
I am just discovering what I actually need from other people because I left myself behind prior to PDS. I relate to everything in this video. There's really no substitute for working on myself.
Your hair looks really good! Nice and long too, hair care routine? As a DA I sometimes find it very hard to get over the hurdle of "needing others" sometimes I will reach out and or be vulnerable and the response I get just reminds me why I don't like doing it in the first place. Meaning just dealing with it myself would have been easier. I guess the main thing is to just keep trying and hopefully some success shall come. I can relate to being verbally conflict avoidant though and that is something that takes work
question the story you are telling yourself when you get certain responses. Sometimes we can make things mean something they are not so just be aware of stories that block connection. A DA might feel disconnected and misunderstood but a lot of times it's because DA's aren't sharing those deeper parts of themselves. So be sure to keep trying and try to incorporate things, conversation topics that really interest you. I think we all have more in common than not, it's just stories of ourselves or perceptions that keep us feeling separate. - PDS team member
Wow that's interesting that you do reach out and do try to be vulnerable. I am a DA who's working on becoming secure but one of my major challenges is to be vulnerable and as a result of that I don't even try to reach as even reaching out is too difficult for me.
@@roshalllambert like why would you reach out when you don't view yourself as needing help with a problem? I totally get that if that's the case. I wonder if that's why I view a lot of people as false when they need something. Like how can you actually need this from me
@@weevix3 Yes that’s a point. I do believe I don’t need people to meet my needs but at times I even if I have a situation wherein I’m forced to rely on people I will try my best to find a way around it. We DAs have the mentality that everyone is out for themselves.
Roshall Lambert i am FA leaning DA And this resonates with me so so so much. I do exactly this. And any time I even think of the idea of asking others to meet my needs I feel anger rise up in me- which makes me feel uncomfortable and as such I allow my anger to act as the buffer to the vulnerability that would actually get my need to connection met. I am exhausted by this. I really need to understand why. The results for me come out in feeling “taken advantage of” or others will let me down and I will let others down- so the way i control it is to isolate myself. All my unhealthy patterns and things I will work through soon. Wishing you healing
Good Morning.... Thais.. Baby Blue is Your color! You must be a winter or a summer .. Cool dark colors look Gorgeous on you! I had my season and colors done years ago and I am a Winter... Thank You because of You I am Highly Loving Me.. and My Relationship is Better than it was before because my bucket is 50 percent filled by me! I Am Happy , Joyful and Free!🙏🏻❤️🥰🌹🌹🌹The Roses are for You, Thais!
@@thehealingfairee that's why cool colors look best! It is the undertones not the overtones. By wearing cool colors it balances. Sort of like getting the subconscious to meetbwith the conscious 😆😉
"...So the person needs to be perfect otherwise there's all this turmoil they feel like they can't talk about or express..." I resonate with this so strongly in dating.
Great job for being here and learning. Please don't give up. Of all the channels I've seen, this is the safest, most supportive of DAs. I encourage you to push through the uncomfortable. I am an AP but learning about other attachment styles. Best of luck. Biggest thing is to try to change the stories you're telling yourself.
Wishing you so much healing. I too get very triggered by these videos. There is a sense of understanding and overwhelm for all the work we have to do. I am so very happy you are here 💪🏼 keep going friend !
Hi Thais, your videos are great I'm a big fan of your work. I had a serious question to ask perhaps you can make a video about? I know others have similar thoughts - essentially I broke up with my Ex a few months ago I'm an Anxious Preoccupied and she was a Dismissive Avoidant. I'm so confused because I feel like I've become a Dismissive Avoidant? I never thought that would happen to me because the DA was what caused a lot of disappointment but I think my idealized notion of love died out and now I live with a realistic mindset with respect to finding the right woman moving forward. Is it possible for this 'attachment transfer' to happen? If so, how long does it take to undo? Thanks and much love from a fellow Torontonian!
Sounds to me like you’re simply becoming more secure (which from an AP standpoint feels like moving in the direction of DA, but it’s balancing out the spectrum). She has done videos on this but don’t remember which one.
@@imaya.sabine "balancing out the spectrum," interesting. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Moving toward secure is a beautiful thing. Sometimes breakups can be a blessing in disguise and the driving force for becoming secure and overcoming past wounds. Thanks for your input my friend. And best of luck to all viewers working on becoming more and more secure!
I feel the same . I was always ap but now after a toxic relationship i feel like i dont trust relationships anymore , dont want marriage or to live with someone and am more worried about my financial stability and not putting myself in a position to get hurt . Ive gone from getting ap in the attachement style tests to coming up as fearful avoidant and now after some work secure with fearful avoidant as my secondary style . I dont really feel like im secure though because i feel like i cant trust people and i still react and feel hurt by dismissive behaviour
@@rachhhh9722 I know, right? It's all so strange...and hard to explain at times. I can totally relate to everything you said. I do agree that going through a breakup can teach us of our attachment trauma and help us become more secure. However, there's still that unknown subconscious percentage of the puzzle that is rooted in NEW trauma introduced by the toxic relationship/ breakup. This is why I was wondering where I could find some material by Thais on this to explain this new attachment trauma/ attachment transfer phenomenon. Going to dig through the Personal Development school channel now.
What is the best way to ask a DA what their intentions are, in a caring and kind way? My ex who ended it 3 months ago as I critised and he withdrew, has recently started mesaaging me asking how I am etc. I'm not sure if this is just him checking up and being friendly or him trying to reconnect? Also, I'm not sure at times if he wants me to keep the conversation going etc so would like to know why but in a nice way?
I think ths best thing is waiting a bit until you see if he tries to reestablishes a lasting contact with you and then you can invite him for a wine or tell him that maybe whenever he is ready you both can try to talk and to understand how can you manage this situation. But just without rushing things ans without making him feel like he is being confronted. Just slow and casual.
@@johncooper7242 you are right. In my case I’m the AP partner. I am just wondering how I could start this conversation in a secure way with my DA partner without scaring him or offending/criticizing in his eyes and minimalizing the risk of AP/DA dance. I know it may not even work out the way I wanted even if I behave the secure way, but this way I can feel like I did my part of the problem solving in the relationship an took responsibility for my part so I won’t regret my behavior towards him/our relationship. I hopes this makes more sense.
@@johncooper7242 it is nice to hear that this has been working for you. Thank you so much for the advice. I think that I might start the conversation about attachment styles by spontaneously sharing information and see if he is interested in this topic. He’s at some level interested in personal development and psychology and so am I. We talked occasionally about topics like that, but didn’t share personal stories with each other. I’m in no contact now and giving him the space he wanted. If he will decide to contact me again I will open to talk to him. But at this point I’m okay with him not returning, because following the videos of Thais gave me so much insight about me showing in relationships and my own needs. I am not planning on pursuing him if he’s not intended to work on himself. Now that’s me talking/sharing a lot (it sort of helps me with understanding my own thoughts hehe). I wish you and your partner the best, thanks again❤️
Thank you for this. Much appreciated! Always helpful to have info to help understand my DA better. I love your new look and your new dental work! You look terrrific! 😊💚🌿
1. Am I practicing vulnerability (this is hard for DAs bc they are often self sufficient)
2. Learn what you need and communicate that to your partner
Do one thing per day to open up and share who u r
3. Work on small problems don't just give up. Dev skills to improve the relationship
4. Look for red flags
5. Imperfections are not red flags. Some things need to be accepted as normal human behavior. No one is perfect
6. Speak up when u feel frustrated. Don't just avoid. Share if your need space don't just take it w no explanation
Repressing my needs and then becoming resentful~ good one.
When my DA ended the relationship out of the blue she told me this always happens and why can't she find someone she can be with long term (put the blame on me and every guy). I just said, who is the common denominator in all your relationships? She got very upset and told me there is nothing wrong with her and its all the men she has dated and that is her head's way of telling her he is not the right guy for her (self sabotage, not wanting to open up, etc). I just chuckled and was like ya that's it. Never heard from her again and she has the same thing to other guys.....but she isn't the problem, the guy is lol
Thank you. Every time I watch a DA video thinking it will help me interact with my partner, it helps me understand more about me and my DA leaning side as an FA.
Glad this is helping you :) - PDS team member
I just realised that being able to swear in conversation is a non-negociable for me haha
The push pull- now I need you, now i don't need you. Fearful of displaying vulnerability.
Starts at 2:00
I am an FA but found the way you explain communicating conflict was really empowering! I needed this. Sharing the why behind my space and needs ❤
I don't know if I'll ever lose the feeling that being vulnerable or expressing needs will just make people get sick of me, but a lot of this is good to keep in mind even further into to relationship. I still don't default to telling my SO how i'm feeling or talking about needs and boundaries unless I'm asked, and even if he does, my natural inclination is to downplay anything negative to avoid "nagging" or "dumping" on him, but i'm working on it.
I am just discovering what I actually need from other people because I left myself behind prior to PDS. I relate to everything in this video. There's really no substitute for working on myself.
Your hair looks really good! Nice and long too, hair care routine? As a DA I sometimes find it very hard to get over the hurdle of "needing others" sometimes I will reach out and or be vulnerable and the response I get just reminds me why I don't like doing it in the first place. Meaning just dealing with it myself would have been easier. I guess the main thing is to just keep trying and hopefully some success shall come. I can relate to being verbally conflict avoidant though and that is something that takes work
question the story you are telling yourself when you get certain responses. Sometimes we can make things mean something they are not so just be aware of stories that block connection. A DA might feel disconnected and misunderstood but a lot of times it's because DA's aren't sharing those deeper parts of themselves. So be sure to keep trying and try to incorporate things, conversation topics that really interest you. I think we all have more in common than not, it's just stories of ourselves or perceptions that keep us feeling separate. - PDS team member
Wow that's interesting that you do reach out and do try to be vulnerable. I am a DA who's working on becoming secure but one of my major challenges is to be vulnerable and as a result of that I don't even try to reach as even reaching out is too difficult for me.
@@roshalllambert like why would you reach out when you don't view yourself as needing help with a problem? I totally get that if that's the case. I wonder if that's why I view a lot of people as false when they need something. Like how can you actually need this from me
@@weevix3 Yes that’s a point. I do believe I don’t need people to meet my needs but at times I even if I have a situation wherein I’m forced to rely on people I will try my best to find a way around it. We DAs have the mentality that everyone is out for themselves.
Roshall Lambert i am FA leaning DA And this resonates with me so so so much. I do exactly this. And any time I even think of the idea of asking others to meet my needs I feel anger rise up in me- which makes me feel uncomfortable and as such I allow my anger to act as the buffer to the vulnerability that would actually get my need to connection met. I am exhausted by this. I really need to understand why. The results for me come out in feeling “taken advantage of” or others will let me down and I will let others down- so the way i control it is to isolate myself. All my unhealthy patterns and things I will work through soon. Wishing you healing
Good Morning.... Thais.. Baby Blue is Your color! You must be a winter or a summer .. Cool dark colors look Gorgeous on you! I had my season and colors done years ago and I am a Winter... Thank You because of You I am Highly Loving Me.. and My Relationship is Better than it was before because my bucket is 50 percent filled by me! I Am Happy , Joyful and Free!🙏🏻❤️🥰🌹🌹🌹The Roses are for You, Thais!
She looks very warm toned to me, not cool!
@@thehealingfairee that's why cool colors look best! It is the undertones not the overtones. By wearing cool colors it balances. Sort of like getting the subconscious to meetbwith the conscious 😆😉
@@ambivalent5842 Oh interesting!
"...So the person needs to be perfect otherwise there's all this turmoil they feel like they can't talk about or express..." I resonate with this so strongly in dating.
Yes, so much important information here!
Very stressful video for a DA just getting started here
Great job for being here and learning. Please don't give up. Of all the channels I've seen, this is the safest, most supportive of DAs. I encourage you to push through the uncomfortable. I am an AP but learning about other attachment styles. Best of luck. Biggest thing is to try to change the stories you're telling yourself.
Wish you the best. It won’t be easy but you can do it, believe in yourself
Wishing you so much healing. I too get very triggered by these videos. There is a sense of understanding and overwhelm for all the work we have to do. I am so very happy you are here 💪🏼 keep going friend !
As long as you're here there's hope.
Same I had to pause it and come back to it at another time felt very overwhelmed being called out like that but MUCH needed!
Hi Thais, your videos are great I'm a big fan of your work. I had a serious question to ask perhaps you can make a video about? I know others have similar thoughts - essentially I broke up with my Ex a few months ago I'm an Anxious Preoccupied and she was a Dismissive Avoidant. I'm so confused because I feel like I've become a Dismissive Avoidant? I never thought that would happen to me because the DA was what caused a lot of disappointment but I think my idealized notion of love died out and now I live with a realistic mindset with respect to finding the right woman moving forward. Is it possible for this 'attachment transfer' to happen? If so, how long does it take to undo?
Thanks and much love from a fellow Torontonian!
Sounds to me like you’re simply becoming more secure (which from an AP standpoint feels like moving in the direction of DA, but it’s balancing out the spectrum). She has done videos on this but don’t remember which one.
@@imaya.sabine "balancing out the spectrum," interesting. Well, that makes a lot of sense. Moving toward secure is a beautiful thing. Sometimes breakups can be a blessing in disguise and the driving force for becoming secure and overcoming past wounds. Thanks for your input my friend. And best of luck to all viewers working on becoming more and more secure!
I feel the same . I was always ap but now after a toxic relationship i feel like i dont trust relationships anymore , dont want marriage or to live with someone and am more worried about my financial stability and not putting myself in a position to get hurt . Ive gone from getting ap in the attachement style tests to coming up as fearful avoidant and now after some work secure with fearful avoidant as my secondary style . I dont really feel like im secure though because i feel like i cant trust people and i still react and feel hurt by dismissive behaviour
@@rachhhh9722 I know, right? It's all so strange...and hard to explain at times. I can totally relate to everything you said. I do agree that going through a breakup can teach us of our attachment trauma and help us become more secure. However, there's still that unknown subconscious percentage of the puzzle that is rooted in NEW trauma introduced by the toxic relationship/ breakup. This is why I was wondering where I could find some material by Thais on this to explain this new attachment trauma/ attachment transfer phenomenon. Going to dig through the Personal Development school channel now.
how is this information free??? thank you Thais. You opened a door for me.
Thank you so much for this !! This helps a lot !!❤️
What is the best way to ask a DA what their intentions are, in a caring and kind way? My ex who ended it 3 months ago as I critised and he withdrew, has recently started mesaaging me asking how I am etc. I'm not sure if this is just him checking up and being friendly or him trying to reconnect? Also, I'm not sure at times if he wants me to keep the conversation going etc so would like to know why but in a nice way?
Same sitution here. I would know the answer to your question too!
How about being direct like a DA is direct? Ask “what are your intentions in reaching out to me?”
I think ths best thing is waiting a bit until you see if he tries to reestablishes a lasting contact with you and then you can invite him for a wine or tell him that maybe whenever he is ready you both can try to talk and to understand how can you manage this situation. But just without rushing things ans without making him feel like he is being confronted. Just slow and casual.
@@johncooper7242 you are right. In my case I’m the AP partner. I am just wondering how I could start this conversation in a secure way with my DA partner without scaring him or offending/criticizing in his eyes and minimalizing the risk of AP/DA dance. I know it may not even work out the way I wanted even if I behave the secure way, but this way I can feel like I did my part of the problem solving in the relationship an took responsibility for my part so I won’t regret my behavior towards him/our relationship. I hopes this makes more sense.
@@johncooper7242 it is nice to hear that this has been working for you. Thank you so much for the advice. I think that I might start the conversation about attachment styles by spontaneously sharing information and see if he is interested in this topic. He’s at some level interested in personal development and psychology and so am I. We talked occasionally about topics like that, but didn’t share personal stories with each other. I’m in no contact now and giving him the space he wanted. If he will decide to contact me again I will open to talk to him. But at this point I’m okay with him not returning, because following the videos of Thais gave me so much insight about me showing in relationships and my own needs. I am not planning on pursuing him if he’s not intended to work on himself. Now that’s me talking/sharing a lot (it sort of helps me with understanding my own thoughts hehe). I wish you and your partner the best, thanks again❤️
Thank you for this. Much appreciated! Always helpful to have info to help understand my DA better.
I love your new look and your new dental work! You look terrrific! 😊💚🌿
4:26
8:29
This is for the third party, the relationship, Teal Swan 🦢, my lover 😘 #tealswan