Dating A Dismissive Avoidant? Here's What You Need To Know! | Dismissive Avoidant Attachment
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I never knew real pain, rejection and abandonment until I dated a dismissive avoidant :)
oh, same chicken, same
So true... u feel alone yet u are not alone
Same
Same
Take it as a challenge in life. In case it's worth it
1) Know they didn't get their physical/emotional needs met as a child, so they don't rely on others, assuming they'll be rejected, so they won't get close (coping mechanism), so be kind to them
2) Their coldness/withdrawal into themselves was their coping mechanism because of 1, it's not a rejection of you
3) DAs distrust emotions because they were rejected, quick emotional demands overwhelm them. Get to know them slowly.
4) They hoard their emotional (even financial) resources because they grew up feeling so much lack
5) Criticism and shame are core triggers for them... never use these against them. They deeply feel that there is something wrong with them inside, which is also reflected in how they protect themselves all the time.
6) Because their childhood needs weren't met, they feel unsafe quickly. Clearly communicate to them how you are feeling, not just that they're hurting you.
7) Note that they are deeply sensitive people who weren't supported in childhood, so they need you to support them and share with them specifically what you need (not a vague "love me" or give me connection, give examples).
8) Be patient and persistent and consistent, and give specific examples of how they can meet your needs.
9) Their needs are warmth, consistency, support (ask about their day to day life), and positively validate anything they do that you appreciate.
10) They need direct communication... they can't mind-read, they can't guess, tell them precisely, clearly, specifically what you need.
11) Don't take their behaviour personally... they are reacting to their own traumas as best as they can... with these steps you can work with them to help them behave better towards you.
Thank you for this
When trying to voice my needs she shuts down. Then I don’t have a chance to talk.
When I ask about hers she still doesn’t talk
But if she does then it’s all about her.
I can’t remember the last time I was asked what do you need?
@@vanessaphilpott5506 Yup, that's a DA.
@@rylaiyt some people (no matter the attachment style) don't like small talk, e.g. convos about their day or the weather. they'd rather talk about it when they feel like it.
So so well said.. I got to see behind the curtain of my DA.. they are beautiful people… but just deeply hurt..,
So dismissive avoidants want to feel supported, but they won't support you. They want validation, but they won't validate you. They want direct communication, but they won't communicate directly. And if you tell them how this makes you feel, they feel criticized and withdraw completely...
I love the patience and understanding with which you speak about DA's, but I was practicing all these things for 3 years with my ex until I couldn't take the one-sidedness of the relationship anymore. She took and took and took, without ever even thinking of giving some affection, closeness, support, connection... in return. DA's are only in relationships for themselves.
I still love my ex, but the only way I would take her back is if she'd FINALLY work on her issues and learn how to be in a close relationship. But I don't think she even realizes how much of an avoidant she actually is. At the end, she just said I was "too sensitive" for not wanting to put up with the constant rejection anymore... Go figure.
Going through everything you mentioned now, it is hell
Just went through exactly the same, he dumped me after a 2 year relationship saying he was tired of supporting my emotions when I had a bad day, and that he wasn't my parent.
Damn, this hits hard.
Thank you for saying this. Honestly. DA's get a tremendous amount of sympathy for how they act towards their partners, husbands, wives, et al. Yet, you would be extremely hard pressed to have a DA actively try and give the very things that the other needs to continually have compassion on them. I am married to a DA, and it's getting to the point where in getting so much empathy for how she was victimized, raised, and all my mistakes towards- she has turned into such a mean person to me when I display some conciliatory action in trying to understand her. They always get the golden token of not feeling safe, not being understood, needs not being met.. Whatever it is...they get a free pass to act towards us in the very manner they feel we treat them.
They're sensitive souls? More like soulless to sensitivity. It's utter hogwash that the are incapable of being kind and loving because of all the layers of hidden emotion that as a husband, I have to daily peel back in order to get a modicum of kindness. Why? Because I see her give it to others in her life, and especially the most important person in her life, which is herself.
Getting towards the end of this type of relationship.. And I have dealt with my attachment style in a very direct way as I have seen how it has affected others around me- especially her. But it has landed with a resounding thud in her world. Might as well do the barn dance of marriages. Find a partner that works, am I right? Smh.
Don Sánchez de Iñigo Me too. I’ve been married for 6 years. I’m filing for divorce in the coming weeks. I can’t live like this any more.
i'm a DA myself, and i think the best advice i can give the people here, is try to show your DA partner this attachment theory. if they have no interest in learning more or it does not resonate with them, it's likely they won't work on themselves, and it'd be better for you to leave. i've found out about this theory recently after 26 years of distancing myself from emotional connection and it's like all the fog has cleared for me. i had no idea this theory existed and it all makes so much more sense. i'm starting therapy soon and i hope to heal it.
Way to go!!! I am willing to share this with my ex. It’s different though, I think women are more apt to do the work than men?!
I second this! I'm the same at almnost 28. I've been in therapy on and off for years but just now my gf showed me this and I was just mindblown, everything makes so much sense now all these feelings I couldn't articulate. I can't wait to talk about this at my next session so the healing in that aspect could begin for me.
I’m glad you found something that helps you be the best version of yourself.
So it is okay to show this to my wife? Showing these kinds of things to a DA will not be taken as criticism? Or make a DA feel shame or anything?
I feel she would benefit from this.
And do you know why she would be distancing herself from me and her children (everyone) but can give that care and attention emotionally to these male friends she’s been talking to for a while now?
It feels like i am sharing my wife with these long distant people.
Thank you
I showed my DA ex attachment theory and she told me that she thought she was AP, I left her as I couldn’t deal with how NOT self aware she was. I couldn’t believe she actually thought she was AP, she saw herself as completely different to what she was.
I tried to mention about attachment styles there and my da girlfriend broke up with me on the spot. She said she couldn't have me analysing her and that she would never change. So it seemed to be too hurtful for her to even consider something was wrong.
While I can understand them better now, dismissive avoidants are extremely painful to "work" with.
Nicole, I was married to one for 17 years and I'm gradually phasing her out of my life. Gradual because we have kids and gradual changes are much easier . My suggestion is if you aren't that invested in them, run and don't look back. There capacity to change is very limited unless if they are extremely self-aware.
It's been a battlefield my ex DA cut me down in ways I never knew were possible.
I figured myself fearful and avoidant type but then after listening of DA what's so different anymore cuz attachment disorders are anyway all want connection but shut down and difficult to be vulnerable...
to analyze I think fearful n avoidant is quite more advanced version than DA
art is Universal Perhaps fearful avoidant are less defended. ?
@@barbaraladams5304 an FA is more open to discussion of feelings once trust is established and consistent. If an FA feels unsafe e.g. they don't feel safe to share how they feel without judgement/shame/dismissal or they feel the person themselves is uninterested/fake/dangerous to them they will become avoidant. Whereas too much intense emotions/affection/emotional responsibility/time together (even in a positive experience) can cause the DA to retreat.
The saddest truth I’ve come to realized, is you feel more lonely being entangled with a DA than it you were just single and never got involved. There’s no point in putting effort or your heart on the line with a DA until they do the work themselves, they will only leave you feeling abandoned and rejected. They can cause AA so much emotional distress, leave them feeling crazy, and often gaslight if the AA overreacts.
Just run from the anxious-avoidant trap altogether. It's not even worth TRYING to make it work, the juice simply is not worth the squeeze. Unless the DA is actively working their ass off to become a former DA- which they will not do just because you ask them- there is only one way to win with a DA and that's to completely abandon everything you need and want in a relationship and accept that you'll never get any of it from them. The FA or AP partner does all the work while the DA sits back and demands their way. Any time they don't get their way they hold the whole relationship hostage by disappearing until they "feel better."
It's like having a relationship with a spoiled toddler. They have absolutely no room for another person's existence, feelings, or needs whatsoever, so don't bother thinking you'll be able to resolve conflicts with them- they'll just turn anything you say around on you and make it all about them. It doesn't matter what a good communicator you are, anything that confronts their behavior in even the gentlest way is "criticism" in their world.
They'll sulk their way through Christmases, birthdays, and events that are important to you or simply not show up at all if they "don't feel like it," punishing you for "making them go" if they do show up. Promises they make disappear into thin air as soon as those promises become inconvenient to how they feel or what they want, but don't dare hold them to their word because you're "not respecting their space." They spend the entire relationship competing with you and preoccupied with their "space," never appreciating the relationship at all, but then getting mad at you when you stop giving.
They take and take all of the love you have to give and give nothing back.
When the FA or AP finally starts setting firmer boundaries and telling the DA "no" to doing all the work in the relationship, the DA gets vindictive and spiteful and sabotages everything, leaving their exhausted partner to clean up their messes while they walk away with no consequences or remorse. Many times they will pull stunts like moving out without telling you or just ghost you altogether. However they leave, it will be like you never mattered to them at all. And you will never ever get an apology or any accountability from a DA. Not ever.
FAs and APs, do yourselves a favor and just heal yourself, then go find someone secure. Leave DAs to work their shit out alone- or with each other. If you're going to bang your head against that wall trying to make it work with a DA you might as well just go be with a narcissist. There isn't much of a difference.
While I agree that I felt more alone with him than when I was single, I loved him so much and I regret nothing. we have been separated for 5 years by now and i moved on. He gave me a beautiful child. I regret nothing. (I'm fearful avoidant leaning anxious and on my path to becoming secure - 40% secure)
@@howtosober well said . I really felt the spoiled toddler reference ..
So judgemental. You put in so much effort in work and you expect relationships to work without any effort
@@nuez23747 a relationship takes 2. 2 people committed, aware, communicating, and giving. If one party refuses to do that, there’s no relationship. It’s once person caretaking someone else who’s unable or unwilling to do the work. Plain and simple and we can agree to disagree
If you are suffering with an issue and need emotional support, the DA will essentially say "when you get over that, let me know & we can be friends again"
Well said, m'am. That's exactly it.
For a DA, the hardest criticism to take is when you open up emotionally and your emotions are discounted.
Yep, I still specifically remember every single time I tried to be open and was hurt as a result, even if it's been years
@@jlosinski but what if your partner is fully present and asking you to open up. The only time they opened up was when they were angry - no issue expressing that though and anger would get a negative reaction so it confuses me
I'm a DA and in my experience talking about emotions with a partner has been :"I feel [emotion] when you [action] because [personal attack]"
And no im talking about anything constructive. It'll be something mischaracterization to name calling. Anxious feel like their emotions justify how they treat their partner and they're usually just plain wrong
Rosanna Tarsiero thanks for sharing that. Pretty much the same thing a DA does to their potential partner. I think FA feel the same. If throughout their life they have been communicated to that what they have to say is not important and sharing how they think/feel only leads to conflict/abandonment. Never having had their emotions validated or valued. Experiencing emotional neglect. Feeling as though their emotions have no value to anyone so why bother communicating them. When on the rare occasion they feel enough trust to open up and share their feelings, the DA says dismissive things like, "what's up with you?" . Implying what do you have to be sad about? Your feelings are not important or worth sharing. These hurt feelings usually come after being rejected by the DA for the millionth time: triggering childhood trauma, emotional and physical pain but still trying to remain calm on the surface so the DA is not hurt and does not run away at the first sign of emotional transparency and accountability.
@@lynnkelly4609 anger is usually emotion that cover other emotions/insecurities- people can express anger when they feel shamed (i did not do as good as I can so I get angry at myself/you), unloved (I try to be nice to you still you are always unhappy) etc.
You seem to talk about dismissive avoidants with such love, compassion and tenderness 🙂
Ronniechops I thought the same thing! Doesn’t she understand that dismissive avoidants are not going to change? I’m not making an assumption that my ex husband didn’t give a shit about me. He DIDNT! It’s sad that they didn’t get their needs met but that doesn’t mean they are loving..
@@abbeycrouse3020 I actually meant it as a compliment to her... not saying that I completely agree nor do I disagree with you. Dismissive avoidants are probably the most difficult people to get through to, in my opinion, especially if hurt and contempt is what you are leading with. I think everyone can change if they feel that it is worth changing for.
Ronniechops she feels the glory to decode this complicated most difficult attachment style 🙂
I'd argue that anxious types are far harder to please but then again I'm a dismissive avoidant so I'm sure you'd disagree with that statement out of turn. The likelihood is that if you were with a DA type you're probably and Anxious type so are more likely to have a negative view. Like I tell my fiancée neither of us is right or wrong, we're just incompatible, this doesn't mean that the relationship isn't worth working on. In our case we have 2 children so we are absolutely trying to work through it, we've also been together for 15 years so we have built a whole life together. @abbey Crouse it does seem like you're generalising a fair bit based on that one person, it doesn't mean all DA's are like that and it doesn't mean we aren't loving.
Jason Wilson I’m sure there is a spectrum when it comes to all attachment styles. Some are extremely avoidant just as some are extremely anxious. But you and I would disagree because we are so different. My partner has a lot of avoidant traits and some are extreme, even for my more secure friends, so that’s not my anxious style talking. Keeping in mind, I did say - at least in my case, a DA is very hard to get through to with stonewalling and them shutting down. Explaining my needs in a way that he can understand without them being dismissed or minimalized because he doesn’t have those needs himself. But sure, I can see how someone with anxious traits can be perceived as hard to please, especially for a DA.
After six years of trying and asking and explaining I am worn down and worn out. It’s just too hard. I’m out!
Did you get out in the end Barbara?
I ended up believing that we're all f**cked up, because none of our families were optimal for upbringing kids to emotionally healthy adults. Some of us managed to get a more healthier coping mechanism, but others are totally closed in their head space, rationalizing everything, eluding emotions, hiding and bottling up feelings - which are the very core of being human. I guess we all should start to learn how to live more in our heart space, instead of our head space. Because our brain's job is to keep us "safe" - living shallow lives with shallow connections. Which is surviving as a biological being not living as a human.
I'm an FA, who's in love with a DA. I know that he's very sensitive deep down. He doesn't like to show it. He shuts down after intimacy. He tries to create conflict, because he needs to distance himself from me. I've always been here for him, whenever he wants me. However; my needs aren't being met and I feel frustrated and alone most of the time. As a child, I felt like my emotional needs weren't met. I felt unseen, unheard and alone, which is how I feel in this situation with him a lot of the time. I have tried to tell him how I feel... but he doesn't want to talk about it. He says that I overthink everything. He says it frustrates him. I don't know what to do. He doesn't want me seeing other men, but he rarely wants to spend time with me. It's hard to keep your options open in dating when you're in love with someone, and it's hard to completely walk away from someone you love.
Walk Away! That's what I am doing. I am also a fearful avoidant dealing/dealt with a DA. You cannot change or fix someone. You can only change/heal yourself. Not worth spending all your time trying to heal someone who doesn't see an issue with their actions. You have communicated your needs and desires, If they fail to reciprocate then there is no point on continually with someone who does not value your needs in a relationship.
I am anxious attachment and my husband is dismissive attachment and it was soooooooo unhealthy! Devastating actually!
Same here!💔
I feel for you!!
I’m an avoidant myself and my
Tip for you is be supportive, be non-judgmental and give him SPACE!
This is exactly my problem...
I agree with you, I'm like you, and I realize now that my wife is dismissive avoidant, and emotionally unavailable. Its crazy! I just can't seem to reach her, a few months ago she wanted to move out cuz she said she needs space, I'm constantly wanting a better stronger relationship and she just can't go to that place. Even though we've been married 19 years and have three kids, she just can't seem to get comfortable with herself and open up.
I think it’s up to us as DA to realise what’s our attachment style is... we can’t blame our parents for being complete ignorants to our needs!!! I had that and I’m done pointing the finger towards my patents. They didn’t had the information we have nowadays, but we do!!! I’ve had the most painful childhood, I didn’t had a childhood; my two f up parents took that away from me. But now, it’s my job as a 28 year old to put my shit together. My parents offered what they had themselves from their parents.
Thank you so much for your channel ... it’s amazing how much I identify myself with your videos.
I appreciate what your saying. I really believe the true healing can’t occur until the finger stops pointing at the parents. Everyone is doing the best they can...even though our parents failed. They had no choice. They didn’t have the tools avail as we have today!
Love this! I’m 28 literally all this was relatable and said so nicely..I’m finally starting to realize what’s wrong & figure out how to fix it
Welldone, how's it going now with your recovery
@@komatsu8169 small steps which have created a massive difference. I’ve learn to accept my past and live with it as a journey through life. My next chapter is more important and the moment NOW 🙏❤️
I called my mom a beautiful troubled woman to a friend and felt nothing but sympathy a few weeks ago and it took me so long to feel that way. I was so, so angry at her for things that she did and I still feel so much bitterness for how different my life could be. Nowadays I'm on this wave of "oh well, that's life" I obsess over stoicism and even worse I have a military background so that must've nullfied a huge chunk of my emotions. I'm glad you got there, I'm glad I got there . Still lots of anger though. I've begun speaking to her on the phone more, it'd go 1-4 years. Still haven't talked to my dad since my teens though. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that and it upsets me so much.
I'm so ashamed and embarassed of my upbringing and how I trudged through life because of it that it makes me so afraid of meeting a womans family. You got that whole BS about "look at how he treats his mom", oh well sorry Pops my mom was bipolar kinda messed my life up a bit can we talk about the cranberry sauce?
fml. I'm ashamed of the people I've hurt and the bridges I've burned.
Yes be warm and consistent with a DA. Tell them softly that you care about them. See how that turns out for you all. Let me know when you get ghosted.
🤣🤣
😂😂😂😢
😂😂😂
Yes, indeed. I got ghosted 😳🤣
😂🤣😅 Facts
I’m a DA and I hate it because I truly do clam up with my feelings. I have felt like I feel nothing, but as I do my work I am able to identify that as a lie but it is such an old, childhood rooted lie that I convinced MYSELF & it is taking A LOT of work to unlearn that. The deeper I get into my relationship the more I am being honest but that honesty reveals lies I have told in past relationships to myself and past partners and since I am committed to doing my work I CANNOT keep lying to myself or my partner but then I am stuck in silence. My brain is churning and I see the lie and stop myself but it is really hard to push the wheel over the lump after not saying bullshit. I see the bullshit I am used to saying, I stop it but then I have nothing because speaking from my true self is uncharted territory and it feels unsafe because I don’t know what will happen. And I hate this silence space because I know that my partner is doing their work and communicating their feelings and it is scary for them and I want to reciprocate that but I get so stuck.
I'm literally the same way!!
I'm PROUD of you for even admitting that! Keep working on yourself
Fuckboi Recovery Program: Would you mind sharing what kind of bs statements you formerly told your previous relationship partners?
Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm on the otherside of this in a friendship. He's admitted that I make it very hard to lie/make excuses(mostly to himself) but won't clarify what he's avoiding. I'm FA; it's been really hard to not personalize the silence. Idk if he's going through the same sort of thing as you, but I feel far more grounded having a balanced explanation from which to hold space. I hope you tell your partner all that, because just knowing that you do struggle/how and that you want more is a relief.
I love hearing it from the DA's. I really wanna know what's going on inside those walls. The only way we can get in is to know what's inside.
I feel like these empathetic, loving, understanding videos give you the words for the LAST conversation you (chose to) have with your DA partner before running away.
Haha
Aint that the truth. 16 months, one simple convo about letting me in a bit more and get told we've nothing in common, doesnt see a future and its over.
He took everything as finger pointing EVERYTHING!!! I couldn’t coddle him enough. 🙁
I feel really bad for the way i treated my avoidant partner in the past i had no idea how kuch damage i was doing pointing out flaws and making him feel embarassed or shamed for his thoughts etc.
You can apologize to them
Me too..
STOP! Why should you feel bad? You were honest with him.
My god I wish I would've known this a couple years ago. :'(
The People here trying to figure this out should know that these people will ghost you, push you away & put you through Hell by stringing you along. Until they have done the work, you need to ask yourself if the pain is worth it. Remember damaged people damage people. The heartbreak is crushing 💔 & they just disconnect & tune in to their tv's.
This is terrible thing to do to someone.
@@Femininelovevibes
This is a DA they are a full time job for a few breadcrumbs. Just not worth it.
Truth Seeker ... I have recent history with a DA whose traits you enumerated very well that culminated in a heated exchange prior to me ending matters between us ... only to be ghosted by him on social media! The Final Touché by an overly sensitive, “precious” DA. (I do not mean precious in the normal sense. DA’s view themselves as special and precious.) He did everything you mentioned in sequence: Hot and attentive initially, followed by pushing me away, but not too far. He was mightily proficient at mixed messages using music/song lyrics to message me. Music being a common denominator. Critical and judgmental. You’re right in that the heartbreak is crushing, compounded by the gutless, petty ghosting on his part. I know him well ... he’s imbibing ample wine sprawled on his couch watching his boxed set of favorite TV shows, sitting in front of his computer programming music/creating playlists, while I attempt to pick up the pieces and move forward, trancelike.
damaged people damage people. Thanks. All my other relationships had other damage; addiction, violence, lying, etc. When I met my sweet DA, I thought I broke the pattern. We are so close, people would kill for that kind of love...then he pulls away and is non-emotional, for no reason other than a perception in his head. More painful than the men that physically and mentally abused me because I trust and love him.
Spot on!!!!!
Thank you so much for this. Whenever I saw videos about trying to work through a relationship with a dismissive attachment the most common advice was to break up with them, or pretty much give them a lot of space, don't rely on them for emotional support, and be calm with them. Which isn't very good advice... What you said in this video came from such a good place and deep understanding of what their going through. I'm also really glad that you brought up a very valuable point about how to properly address a problem with them. Instead of being overly critical, to talk about how their actions affected me and made me feel. I actually made a list of things that my BF does that I don't like that I was going to bring to him tomorrow. But I'm so glad I watched your video before going over it with him. I wrote it in a very logical, observational way, thinking that him - as a not very emotional person - would understand and accept it better. But hearing what you said, when I think about it now, to have someone go over a list of all your problems and shortcomings, especially if your really afraid of judgement is not gonna go over well. I think I'd end up hurting him a lot more by showing him what I had written.
I reworked the whole list, and have instead written it like "I feel like [this], when you do [this.]" And came at it from an angle of "How can we work together through this, and have both of our needs met." instead of "Your broken, and being with you keeps hurting me. You'll have to change if you want to be with me."
Here's hoping it goes well, and can be a big step of growth for the both of us.
I just wanted to give an update to my post, and say that it went over extremely well. (Communication is soooo dang important people!) I have so much more respect, understanding, and love for him since having the talk. I was terrified but I brought my list of concerns in the relationship, and how I believed him to be a Dissmisive Avoidant. He was very receptive to everything I said, and we had a deep heart-to-heart about his past and small traumas that lead him to who he is today. It was such a big eye-opener and helped me really understand where he was coming from with the things he did. Some of the issues were just a misunderstanding on both of our parts, while others were stuff that he just had no idea hurt me, cause he never thought about it from my perspective. We also addressed love languages, and things we could each do to improve.
Now that I understand his perspective, the harsh feeling of rejection I used to feel from him has gone away. He has also done extremely well with making some of the small changes I asked for so I feel more accepted and cared for from him.
I just feel so much more secure in this relationship now.
@@hannahw2 I am sooo happy to read this! :) God bless and preserve your relationship with him :)
I'm not sure if the man I know is totally this. He was married for a long period and regrets this, feels he was used and at the beck and call of his wife. So he does not want to connect by doing things for me. He has a relationship of 10 years which is now a long-distant relationship but I feel that suits him; he moved away. He actually got very anguished, angry and fearful in relation to my health problems but tried to say it was me that was the problem (he could not provide emotional support). An interesting case that is for sure but not fun or easy to relate to!
Jeez, girl. I need your help ASAP. I’m so afraid my relationship with my avoidant partner will fail😔
Fuck yes. Thats awesome! im gonna do hat too!😄😆😎
You do a really great job of explaining avoidant type personalities, but I just wish you would explain more to us about dealing with a partner who is avoidant and how to get them to actually hold themselves accountable for their own self worth and emotions. There's only so much explaining of the problem or empathy that can be given before the issues must be redirected. Otherwise you have basically just given us a clear pathway towards full codependency.
I don’t think you can “get” a DA to do anything. It appears that change is something that they have to be willing to do, and realization/awareness can only come to them on their own if they’re willing.
I think the only thing that anyone dealing with a DA can do is decide whether they want to wait for that to happen (which may or may not be very promising) or leave… in other words, it seems the only person you can help is yourself.
After 31 years of struggling to understand why I was in a marriage with a cold-hearted statue a.k.a. Emotionally Unavailable Dismissive Avoidant and what to do make things a bit better, I stumbled across many articles and videos about attachment styles. I have a secure attachment style and my husband is exactly as described in your videos.
There is no way you can live with a person and treat him/her like a baby full time, without being left felt unheard, unseen, unacknowledged, disrespected, lonely, sad, confused and furious to say the least. I raised my 2 daughters all by myself, finances were all on me, he would never take initiation for anything, very irresponsible with life. A porn addict, alcohol abuse, workaholic, unfaithful (or could have been all four plus anything else that could distract himself from his home and marriage). He doesn't recognize that his actions have consequences on himself or on his family.
When I try to express my feelings, I get the angry response of "So, is it my fault that your are sad?" This is a no-win situation. I finally put a finger on things and saw how messed up this whole relationship was, when I went down with cancer. He says he was there for me, but that only meant being present in front of the T.V. Cannot grab the essential of caring for someone that can't care for themselves. Not even asking how I'm doing or if I need something to eat. How on earth can you catch wind with a butterfly net?? IF only I knew, decades ago... I would have saved myself a lot of agony. Anybody in such relationships, should RUN.
Did you end up becoming more anxious as a result of being with him? I feel like i used to be more secure before i met my guy.
@@dreanki Yes absolutely. When you deal with pull-push and hot-cold situations, you never know what's the next step. So fed up of mind games.
wow he's a classic narcissist, not all avoidants are narcissists though
what is this thing you had to put up with? I cant even comprehend
I hope you're doing better
the fact that you mentioned all this says a lot about where you are
@@fireflies15 thank you for your interest. I know who I'm dealing with, and that makes life a wee bit easier. Expectations have changed. I'm cancer free now, and doing a lot of healing for my mental health. Stay safe
They don't express their needs, wants, desires, even if you showed them you can be trusted and specifically told them their needs are important to you. This continuous lack of trust makes you feel like s**t, especially when you know you'd rather die than betray their trust. Even if you're secure, after years of you asking simple questions like "how are you" and getting no answer, after being totally vulnerable with them and they still keeping closed off - like your hidden agenda is to hurt them, when they tell you "secrets" and make you feel trustworthy in their eyes, but later on, they keep telling you they can't trust anyone completely (and you realize you are a part of that "anyone") which leads you to start believing the secrets between the two of you weren't secrets at all, when they hide important "details" of their lives, you start feeling just like "anyone", meaning you are not important to them, you're not as special to them as they are to you. You end up so deeply hurt that you become an avoidant yourself.
Well, let's face it, IF a person can keep their mouth shut from day one, private information will more than likely be used as a weapon against most people from the moment a relationship turns to shit.
I started telling someone details of my childhood sexual abuse, because it makes up such a huge part of what shaped me, and I feel like my life is just one big LIE. Glad I withheld the other really ugly, complicated 99% of the story. It seems that the drama of it all is just too exciting for a remarkably huge percentage of the population.
It's like they are saying to know me is to know my pain SO I am going to exact it on you the closer I feel to you because this is what was done to me and I had to accept it. If you leave, you weren't sincere, if you stay and complain, you are needy, if you don't protest, then good because its what they feel everybody should accept as normal since they had to.....subconsciously. 💔
Wow yes good point... "so I am going to exact it on you the closer I feel to you bec that is what was done to me and I had to accept it."
Omg💔💔💔 it is so sad n i understand completely
That is really good!
Really well put.
This is a very nice point of view but being in this type of relationship is miserable as hell. It is absolutely not worth it in my opinion. May be suitable for someone who doesn’t care for emotional connections or affection. But not me, I don’t expect my partner to be responsible for my emotional happiness but however when I do want to share things or situations where I’d like to confide in my S/O i expect their undivided attention (as I do for them) not just be dismissed every time. No matter how many times I try to reasonably explain, he doesn’t change or even see a problem. Might as well be single, that’s what it feels like.
It's worse than being single, because we have to be the emotional everything for these babies and then get not only nothing in return, but treated like crap. They use our kindness and affection when they want or need and totally disregard us when there "done". I'm so sick of being used, i think i had a more secure attachment before i met the one I'm with now.
I feel this too much. 😕
Hi I just ended a relationship bwith a. DA. They are selfish people. I know they don't mean to be but they're bred to be. I'm sorry if that's harsh but DAs are self sufficient and very emotionally strong because they repress their emotions to the point they don't even know they're there. They will bounce right back and move on to the next no problem. Unlike me as an AA who is left traumatized. It's not fair.
My avoidant ex from 8 years ago told me he was getting married .. I’m like yeah , thanks for the info .. I told him I felt invisible when we were together ..
@@tulinbeyduz920 lol wow the nerve
So many people suggest that when an anxious encounters an avoidant, the best thing is to break up. I love this piece because it shows how we can use tools lovingly to make it work if we want to put in the effort. I like this message of hope, for those of us who are willing to do the work.
Absolutely, she one of the few who want to help us instead of saying just leave!!
@@gwendolynn7314 The only ones who dont leave are the ones who arent secure lmfao. To secure individual wants to waste time we dont get back on someone like this. The answer will always be, for anyone who is secure, stable, healthy, or even doing the work to heal to leave and do not bother putting your sanity at risk. Most on the spectrum of avoidant behavior will not nor will ever actually heal and its quite sad but as a secure individual who once was avoidant and healed without having ever heard of this spectrum prior to doing so; I do not feel sorry for any of them. Happiness, self love and peace is always a personal choice.
Really bothers me to hear this message that IF we can just express needs perfectly, then we will help heal this style and they won’t be cruel. Maybe the DAs you worked with weren’t extreme- after all, they were in therapy! None of the DAs I know even admit they play any part in painful relationships. I feel like this response perpetuates enabling behavior because DAs can deeply hurt people without responsibility or empathy, regardless of how kindly or gently they are treated. I appreciate the caviat at the end of the video but overall this makes me nervous for hurting people who want healing and need equal love in a relationship.
wow, imagine the idea that if you're direct with someone who has DA, they might actually respond appropriately. It's funny seeing all the women in the comment section who are more than likely passive aggressive enablers who lack a backbone talk about the "abusive da". armchair pseudo-psychologists giving anecdotal dribble . here's a cool idea, if you lack the knowledge and ability to try and help a person with da adjust, leave the relationship because you are equally as fucked and both of you will just enable eachothers insecurities
Why the assumption that I and others commenting are passive-aggressive and thereby at fault for the struggles in relationship with DAs? I have been direct, if not too blunt from childhood. I certainly learned to ask more directly for needs in my relationship with my DA. That speaks directly to my point though- no matter how perfect I communicated, my DA shut down. His insta-reaction is ALWAYS defensiveness (recognize that trait much?). The foundation of a DA style is dissmissivness and avoidance! This is the challenge. It’s not as simple as asking sweetly. With DAs who aren’t self-aware, any interaction deeper than joking level is taken as a battle. I don’t feel this video addresses the intense challenges. I stand by that.
Hope this Was direct enough for you. Interesting to me that as is common for DAs, my comment was met with an insult. 🤔🤣
@@KellyDuke008 Not at fault, just a contributing factor. How well your perceived level of communication is does not make it right. your idea of perfect communication does not mean it's effective. You're either direct or you aren't, you either set boundaries or you don't. If you're incapable of doing both those things focus on improving yourself rather than shifting the blame. codependent people... absolutely suffocating and intolerable
Ah, now I’m codependent also! My god, what would I have done without meeting you. Amazing, your powers of deduction.
Direct or not...I am.
Hold boundaries or not...I do.
Hence breaking it off with my DA mths ago and keeping that boundary. Letting him know neither of us are bad, but since my “boundaries” require listening rather than attacking, and more time than a few hours a week together if marriage is on the table (it was- initiated by him), we could not work.
You, not knowing me have quickly insulted and preached, proving to be a marvellous specimen of a DA more interested in throwing stones than doing the healing he preaches. You’ve reminded me why I don’t want to ever go back to an In-denial-DA dynamic.
I agree, DAs will not admit the part they played because they can't accept critism as a result of not getting their childhood needs met.we support , be gentle while they go through Fight or flight mode merry go round, here I go around and around we go.
I am dating a DA and reading these comments make me feel not so alone. I am anxious preoccupied and I tried to be patient and accepting, but i feel like my patience and acceptance are being taken for granted as if the DA expect me to patient and accepting all the time and is not willing to change. I'm just really tired, and don't even if the relationship is worth fighting for anymore.
I feel the same way. It’s physically exhausting and making me sick
Update: my Da and I broke up 2 months ago….🤷🏼♀️
I broke up on a weekend away there. 15 months of my life wasted. She didnt want to progress and was happy to date once a month 😬
These videos are so helpful but also so incredibly painful. I feel so hopeless as a anxious preoccupied attachment in love with a dismissive avoidant. It feels like it’ll just never work. I miss my ex so very much, and I feel like there’s just no way to repair. How can you work on someone who will always be so out of reach? It hurts.
All I can say, is if you aren’t too far in, RUN. I married my DA and it’s been nothing but turmoil, which he blames on me, because I’m too sensitive and need too much. It blows my mind how I cannot get through to him…he will not admit any wrong whatsoever. And being AA, it’s been very hard to let him go, even after he left me.
Its a one way street in the dark to the unknown, always having to be extra sensitive to their needs of criticism, their need for space, their absent presence, enjoy being their therapist for the rest of your life.
They dismiss and avoid you. Your in a relationship by yourself. As a retired clinician i see it as being ignored. I won't give the diagnosis ,just to be polite. If they worked on it i would be more positive.
Yes! Straight up tell the DA, didn't anyone ever tell you this is rude and disrespectful? What makes you think this behaviour is acceptable?
@@arxsyn no one said it acceptable.
How can you support and bring consistency when they constantly drop off, dissapear, withdraw, detatch, hide, do not tell much about themselfes?
This! I keep hearing consistency, and my ex-DA even said it...but how can I be consistent in the relationship, when they drop off for days at a time? Do they want their partner to just keep reaching out and reaching out even without getting anything in return?
I once told her “hey, I don’t mind being the one to reach out, all I need you to do is accept me and not push away when I do” she replied “I don’t think I can do that”
IMO if a DA is unwilling to work on their issues your efforts are futile and you will end up feeling hurt, rejected and worthless time and time again. If it's all about you trying to figure out how to 'work around them' life is going to suck for you. I've been seeing someone like this for 2 months. I guess I'm being ignored at the moment. Far as I'm concerned he can stay gone. I have no idea what I did. What I do know is he doesn't give a damn if I'm around or not. Me telling him it's over if/when he reaches out will not even phase him. Who wants to be un-loved like that? No thanks.
@@mathewridgway2799 did she say why she can't do that
@@mathewridgway2799 DA are very selfish, it's them first and last. Their needs only and if you don't adjust or accept to receiving nothing, they tell you to fok off...
@@OneDanae this is true, whether you're there or not there doesn't matter to them. And dumping them doesn't phase them at all. At first i thought my ex DA was pretending to not care that I dumped him, nope he wasn't pretending, he literally didn't care...
I am a DA...and a DA to extreme. See, I eventually decided the worst thing I could inflict on another person was me. And so, I just never entered relationships at all. Not flings for sex, not emotional relationships, not even friendships, really. Just...eternal ascetic nothingness. Most DAs have some sort of lure to draw you in to have a relationship with them in the first place. I have no such lure...there's instead a brooding fortress and a latent aura of menace that rather clearly states 'keep away.' I can go for years without even being hugged. Do not underestimate just how avoidant and dismissive we can actually be.
I almost took the same path. But I found myself much attracted to other DA and at the same time found Thais Gibson videos. It was really a game changer for us! Yeah: DA are great people! Like pearls in hard shell. They will only open up if secure.
@Isabella Rossellini Insolent Fool. Who are you to claim what life is or is not? Keep to your own path, but leave me out of it.
Thank you for doing that! And sparing the rest of us.
It's so wild hearing other DAs in here with the same experience and life choices in the end. I keep trying relationships and they just don't go well and I always take it as my fault so I just avoid them. Ha! Can't get stuck with an avoidant if we're avoiding you! Actually that's why 90% of the women I date go after me, I don't think I've ever hit on a woman they come to me as this "mysterious hard to get" guy because I nonchalantly ignore their presence and they *got to make it knoooown*
@@mj-np9sy true. I knew my DA had a crush on me. He never made a move for 4 years. When we started dating I was shocked. Like okay cool, we’re doing this! I look back and I’m shocked. I made every move. The only reason we dated was because I made all the plans and came around at the beginning.
Thank you for sharing. It must be hard. But at some level, very safe and comfortable to be alone.
The most helpful video I've ever found on RUclips. Really helps me understand my ex. I only wish everyone learned this info in high school. DAs are so damaged, and without help their self esteem just sinks lower and lower. Narcissists pick on these poor people and manipulate them and shame them, and the DA thinks that abuse is love. It's very, very sad.
Damn that hurts to read as a DA who just got ghosted by a narc. Ya'll think DAs are bad.. I didn't even know how abused I was until 8 months later. All the gaslighting and white lies I didn't confront to not start a fight or because I never know if I can actually trust the feelings I have because I know a lot of the time I can't.
@@sagstar I’m a DA, I agree that dating a DA can be just as bad a dating a narc. I am all new to this but have discovered that I very quickly tear people down just as bad as any narc if I feel someone has purposely tried to hurt me, especially in intimate relationships. I also know that my overall lack of concern for my partners emotional needs has been damaging, probably worse than my words could. I care about them, but I really struggle to relate to them emotionally.
My therapist some time ago sent me a video where i realized i was avoidant. After some digging and a personality test, i found out i am a dissmisive avoidant person. Your videos are SO on point! It's scary how much of what you say describes me as a person. I only have one piece of feedback: a better microphone. Your videos and contents are hands down amazing and helped me a lot but a better mic/audio would make a huge difference for people like me whose first language isnt english. Congrats to you and your chanel! Looking forward for more videos like this in the future
Here's the thing: they show up beautifully in the beginning. This means they DO know how to show up. When their fears come up they CHOOSE to pull the rug out. It's one thing to be unaware, but when someone has a lifetime under their belt of failing in the exact same ways every single time, there comes a time where you LOOK IN THE MIRROR and DO THE WORK or maintain willful ignorance at the expense of others. If a person can maintain perfect presence and never express any intense emotions, more power to them. Maybe they're the sort to be able to change this dynamic. That said, in my last relationship I was EXPLICIT about my CPTSD and its causes. We were friends for over two decades. And he basically sandbagged me. No matter how much I showed up with communication he just kept distancing as soon as things got real, and I eventually lost it, because the triggers got way too out of control. I told him over and over again what I needed, but he just wasn't interested anymore. I have never felt so deeply betrayed in my life, and looking back on conversations we had about other crushes he had ,it's pretty obvious he knew he was this way and wanted to protect the ones he really cared for from being hurt by that. Just not me.
Are you sure this is this DA? Sounds FA avoidant leaning. Just wondering as I met someone who seems a bit detached from the get go, I'm just observing for now.
@@TA-cb1cn I honestly don't know. Pretty sure he's DA but at this point it doesn't really matter. People from his past who know better ended up contacting me and setting the record straight. Future faking, devaluing and discarding is his habit. He said the exact same things about marriage to the gal before me and ghosted her as well.
I recently ended a relationship with a DA. It was so painful, he hasn’t done the work and wasn’t interested in it either. Each time we would start getting close he pulled back, left me alone. I was very patient but could only do this for so long. He really felt bad-he told me I was everything he wanted but didn’t understand why he was behaving this way. 😢
Sadly he’s oblivious and there’s nothing I can do.
i feel as tho i am in the same situation as you. its so painful i feel for you
xHappzx it’s really painful. It’s triggering and unless the other person wants to learn, change, and work with you, there’s not much we can do
Only 1 yr late. I just found this video and I am in a 2 yr relationship with the exact DA you desçribe. We are both growing in many ways and this has clarified & validated so much. Thank you!
I'm glad you two are doing well
I f the dismissive avoidant is also a narcissist, which often happens, none of this will work and you will be knocking yourself out to no avail.
fuck
How do you talk to a dismissive avoidant about your feelings when they say they don’t have feelings and feelings aren’t real. They believe they are a robot. And you feel like you are with an empty, emotionless, robot. The minute I bring up a need that involves feelings they shut down. It’s the worst. They literally do not care or acknowledge any type of feelings or feelings language. They run from feelings, communication and vulnerability. They don’t care if I offer support, validation and warmth. I offer direct communication and express my needs directly, clearly and specifically and to be understanding and warm and it does not make a difference. It is absolute torture being with a dismissive avoidant.
It's not the definition of loving, I feel it too.
You just learn not to. But leave before you shut yourself down because of it, because rebuilding your body that's been neglected for too many years with a DA just piles on the pain.
" It is absolute torture being with a dismissive avoidant." Yeah that's what I thought it would be like, it's why I don't even bother with relationships.
Bro I can totally understand your point..
It's not easy
But what I personally have learnt isc that it really helps being patient with them and allowing them to relax and come back to you
You need to help her to relax, try to create a happy environment for her..
Really helps..
Being a good person..
Half of that is personality rather DA. I'm DA and I am totally not like that.
I love this channel, but the suggestions don't take into account the hurt and trauma the partner of a DA feels when theyre being blocked out, abandoned and their needs are being dismissed. I'd love a video on how to cope or move on from this unhealthy dynamic as someone dealing with a DA..
The ironic part, is the DA needs therapy the most, but after being in a relationship with a DA, we as the partner need therapy now
Usually her general take is “okay, we all have our issues, now let’s work on them.” If you or your partner are unwilling to “show up”, then you don’t need to be together. Way too easy for unmet needs left out to fester to turn toxic or either side. If you can’t fix or work on/with the issues you have, you need to leave.
Thank you. You helped me understand a dismissive avoidant individual.
I'm anxious with a dismissive avoidant and the hardest part is having to do my own work and their work. Since they don't consider the emotional connection important then I'm the one looking for videos, information, therapy for both of us. And doing the work for healing the wounds behind my anxious style is hard enough to have more work on my back.
You’re fine, you’re just with the wrong person
There's a difference between a DA and a freeloader
I sent my da a link for psychology today for therapy. He knows he needs to work on stuff but idk if he will ever take the bait and take action. 🤷🏼♀️
Update: we broke up. Honestly not worth it.
@@chacinisabella good call. I hope you heal and find someone that can meet your needs. ☺️
I’ve been in so much agony to the point where I feel like I have an autoimmune disease. I told my da I wanted to see other people while he was taking action to change his ways. Tbh it may just fade away over time. At least it won’t be unexpected and I feel free knowing I’m not only seeing him.
Love your videos! You’re an actual educated psychologist who knows her stuff! Sharing this with my friends
Fabulous and clear! So glad I found your channel!!
Now we know this, and as a anxious person in relationships with an avoidant - how do you repair damage the anxious does when being triggered by the avoidant when they fail to even communicate?
By turning to yourself. It's ok to be hurt but lift your head up and don't let it happen again.
@@UranijaZeus So suck it up? Where is the understanding from the part of the dismissive? But than I also agree with you, you can only do your part. Its just that it leads to an inevitable end if only one is weighing in on the responsibilities of a relationship towards each other and to themselves.
you will forever need to sacrifice yourself and your needs with a DA
Not everybody who seems to be a dismissive avoidant is actually one. If your DA doesn't come out of their shell and become warmer and participate more in the relationship, even after a long period of time and even though you've created the atmosphere that they can be trusting in the relationship, chances are they have narcissistic personality disorder or they're a psychopath. DA's open up when they feel they can trust and that you're not going to keep asking for more and more from them. If they feel you don't cling onto them, they'll be giving on their own, too. DA's are hard to deal with but once they crack up, they're the most precious. ♥️
Sometimes we tend to forget tending to ourselves as we're trying to adjust to our DA's. We need to heal our wounds that make us clingy, resentful, needy and even sometimes greedy in having our own needs met and ect. Not for the sake of being with a DA, but because it is the affectionate thing that we can do for ourselves. We need an equilibrium within ourselves so that we can have peace within the relationship we have with ourselves. We need to find the spot where we won't feel like we have to fight to get our needs met yet we can still stand our ground where need there be, without turning it into a battle. We need to have healed ourselves at least enough to be able to leave the power struggles behind. Only then we can create an atmosphere that a DA can feel that he/she can trust to open up.
So helpful. As a trauma survivor, and someone who is now exploring this area,
you’re right on the money.
This is such spot on advice, it has helped me hugely to understand and love my avoidant and do it well.
Thank you so much for your clear explanation of how I can better meet MY DA's needs. I love her so much and have been confused and hurt until I started coming across these videos through searching out ways to understand what's going on. You are videos have been by far the most helpful and it has changed my whole perspective and I intend to work on trying to understand and be patient and meet all of her needs because she means so very much to me. Again thank you so much for taking the time to put these videos out.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge on this attachment style. There's not much information about this and I find your videos super helpful. It's made so much become more clear to me. I love your empathetic approach because it's easy to be harsh on people who have this attachment style. I've personalized some of his actions but having more knowledge on this I dont take them that way as often. I am better equipped to connect with and approach my partner now that I know these things. I'm truly grateful for your time, its given me the understanding I desperately needed.
I feel pretty sad for these people. This is crazy! I want to give my DA a huge hug. Im here for you DA. I'm so sorry you didn't get your needs met. I pray for you.
Love it. I found your channel when I was with a fearful avoidant and I was preoccupied overtime I reduced the amount of time that I spent as anxious To a large degree. I started a long distance connection and did not realize until we started spending time together in person that he is dismissive avoidant with some anxious tendencies. For me dismissive avoidant is the most difficult attachment style and I never thought that I would enjoy it but I’m really learning to appreciate my sweet adorable DA and I find your content very helpful in seeing past the behaviour and into the soul of the person.
This is an extremely helpful video for me (in regards to a girl I care deeply about). Thank you!
ive been searching for help and feel like ive failed , years of searching for help and answers without becoming a door mat or enabling or saving and this 100% clears all my questions up . You speak with understanding and compassion and i thank you fir all this information, i wish i could have a 1 on 1 with you
I Love your compassion and your true understanding.... Thank You there needs to Be Love like this for everyone..❤️🙏🏻
I very rarely leave comments, but after seeing your video, I felt obliged to say thank you. Your video really opened my eyes to the reasons why my girlfriend acts the way that she does. We have had an amazing, yet also torrid relationship and have split up several times already. However, your explanation has made me understand her better and given us new ways to try to communicate better. After all, miscommunication was always our biggest problem. We also tried relationship counselling, which didn't help. If only our counsellor had been anything like you, we could have probably saved a whole load of pain. Great video. Thanks so much.
Are you two still together?
I've had coaching with a relationship coach last year, and the first book he gave me to read (as he does with all of his clients) was "Attached" by Amir Levine. This was a gold mine! I simply couldn't believe most people were not aware of the Theory of attachment styles since it puts an entirely different perspective on all your relationships, whether family, friends, partners, lovers, etc.
I had the basis with that book, and I wanted to dwelve further after I had an epiphany of some sort a little while ago. I was looking for information on the subject on Internet and RUclips and came across your channel, and all the fantastic information you were giving here on attachment styles. You have a way to really break it down for us in a very generous and genuine matter, as well as giving us examples as to how to go about taking the bull by the horns sort of speak, beit in an authentic and vulnerable way. Thank you so much for all the info, it is much appreciated.
Thais, You know so much about the challenges of relationships. I hear what you say regarding communicating from one's own place venerability. This is so scary for a sensitive person, so I like the safety frame of Warmth, Consistency, Support, Validation and direct communication. A very good lesson! Thank you ever so much.
I think your understanding is pretty accurate. Gold worth.
I had a close friend I fell in love with. She absolutely helped me to get to a healthy attachment with things that you have mentioned.
Thank you very much for sharing this! Very insightful indeed. There were some sound quality issues, it was hard to hear the words at certain points. But thank you.
This was an excellent and informative video. I did not learn about attachment styles/types until a counseling appointment I had recently that my counselor brought up the subject of attachment styles.
I was formally a anxious-occupied attachment style, and through some negative experiences, I am currently anxious-dismissive. However, unlike a lot of anxious-dismissive types, who repress their emotions and are reluctant to discuss them or open up about issues, I have no problem stating my issues of what I am not happy with. But the issue is that I do it from a place of pride/intellectualization as a coping mechanism- meaning that I look disdainfully at others, and see people as inconsistent, dynamic, always changing, and prone to making judgement and decisions based on emotional reasoning and standards. Loyalties, relationships, friendships- often temporary and based on a sense of fulfillment/happiness or stable circumstances.
Considering the dynamic, changing, variable nature of people, just like you stated in this video, I consider emotional attachment a liability and weakness, considering the subjective nature of people. And as you stated, this is because of repeated rejection, or perceived rejection in life.
I'm very impressed, Thais. I look forward to seeing more of your videos.
waw,waw,waw...,are you in my head sending out words of clarity???!!!.
This was so beautiful. I am so thankful. Extremely well delivered on helping me recognize,get familiar with and make sense of.
My partner and I thank you for sharing.
I believe You such A TRUE COMPASSIONATE LADY!! And I am Highly Sensitive and I have tremendous compassion too!! Thank you From my Heart and Soul for Your loving heart!! They have feelings too and they are human.. and the abuse they suffered is SOO unsafe... I believe that there’s no such thing as which attachment style is the worst... They are so misunderstood... and They received the Coldest love.. So thank you for Your Honest Love... people are all born with love .. It’s the damage of the way they were raised .. I don’t judge anyone...
I feel like to be with an DA, you need to be extremely strong mentally and really take care of your needs because they won't meet any..
In some cases, if they really love you, they can change but they mostly won't. It's a very painful relationship and you really need to love yourself and be in love with them for some reason to make it work.. I have a crush on a DA and I'm seeing all these signs already. Really makes me think how the hell I'm going to get through this...
Did you try to get through it
Dating a dismissive avoidant therapist and boy is he so complicated. Getting info out of him is like pulling teeth.
Linda Ray RUN
4 years later...no
IKR!
@@abbeycrouse3020 Yeah run. A real man not allowing you leverage over his spirit. A real man that won't allow you to manipulate him. run she says. What an idiot. Trust is earned and if you're not willing to earn it you're don't deserve to learn it.
I think it's a lack of understanding of the nature of people that makes you so naive and trusting. I don't trust or respect anyone in this world unless they 1) are part of a community that hates pride and has no currency form or 2)Feels genuine guilt for their sinful existence worshiping currency and are actively trying to change that reality. I'm the latter and that type of person's worthy of my respect and trust. Your standards of others should reflect the standards you put on yourself and I know my standards and they are completely fair. If you're happy being a mindless zombie that will inevitably be punished by Armageddon than date another zombie happy like that but so long as the illuminati exists and my soul is tied down to the people of that system I will never trust nor respect people in that system willingly. Have you ever stopped and thought maybe I'm the selfish devil being unreasonable? Just kidding. I know you don't think that. The problem is always someone else. I used to think proud thoughts like that but the only thing I ever got from behaving proudly in my life was shame. Best to always stay humble.
Thank you so much for this free and very useful info! I am learning so much about myself and I feel like I have some tools and hope to apply to my current interest.
Today I decided to leave my dismissive avoidant bf of 2 years. It hurts so badly bc I know he tried but I feel like he was just so afraid. I loved him soooo much. He stood with me and by my side but things just went left...I'm anxious and he's dismissive avoidant and this breakup is sooo hard bc I wish I wish to God he cld change! I wish he cld be the person he pretended to be at the beginning. And he's not even a bad person he's selfless and loving but then he gets cold and distant. I love him so much but Ig its time to say goodbye. And yes Ik I cld have someone better but I want him...
minigallowaycow did you try to change yourself as well? Anxious always assume that the avoidants are the only ones that need to change. I’m secure and find anxious a little too needy at times but both anxious and avoidants should really only try to have relationships with secure people. That would be a lot more successful and less painful
@@Dowhatsright99 as a secure, how do you imagine yourself in a relationship with an avoidant? wouldn't it drive you crazy how they just change from who they pretended to be in the beginning and turn cold and distant? Not wanting to connect emotionally, no real desire for deep bonding and then they lose interest in you sexually? I don't see many secure people comment here and I'm always really curious of their perspective, thanks :)
pinkaa17 it’s the toughest! Since attachment styles is really a spectrum is different with every type of avoidant. This is the first time I have encountered someone like this and it is painful. The rejection came out of left field and I wasn’t prepared for it. He’s self aware so I’m hopeful that he can eventually heal and move towards me but that may take longer than I can wait. To be honest I wish I had known what I was in for before he swept be off my feet
@@Dowhatsright99 I see...cuz I was trying to bullshit myself, that if I try to become more secure, the relationship will turn out perfectly fine.
Good for you! Run
Turns out this is me and also the people I choose to date... but I feel like I take criticism well from the people I respect.
Hahaha, same.
Haha same, I thought the girl Im dating is a DA. But it appears that the DA is me.
@@kewl800i It's a spectrum and DA's and AD can swap each others style when power dynamics in a relationship flip back and forth
I have anxious attachment and my ex was a dismissive avoidant. We really loved each other but you can see how that just didn’t work. He kept saying he doesn’t understand himself, I wish I could send him this info now.
When she said the core feeling of shame, I felt a rush of emotion and my eyes got watery. Looks like she nailed one of my core wounds. 🥺
Elena Estrada sameeee
Yeah but what kind of shame? From outside everythings good
@@Kareena1988 there's only one kind of shame my dear. Anything you're ashamed of, that you felt guilty of, that you were put down for... anything that makes you feel shame within
@@elenasunshine i know such a man. He has everything and from outside he looks so driven and ambitious...but i have met him in a chatroom where he was def looking for sex despite being in a relationship and he admitted that he had fear earlier but became courageous..how can you be a teacher and that....dissmissive at the same time? Social where everyone can see you while not being emotional..im anxious fearful whatever with no special goals in life and ashamed and like most people not feeling enough..i have the deficiencies..not him with his friends,woman, profession, hobbies..i have nothing..thats called shame..hes even good- looking..i mean...and he has good relations with his parents...the only thing i know for sure..hes strange..i made him and his friend a present and while his friend was flattered, he just said thank you gone. And another time i had a lumbago and he just told me to lie in bed, turned around and was gone..no empathy or so..so..cold..and then in the chat he always asked intimate,sexual stuff..i played the game and told him one libe and then he was gone...it happened 40 times..why is he there when he closes the chatwindow after 1 min??? Its like he seems interested until he can discard you..why??????
@@Kareena1988 He is out of touch with his own emotions, deeply disconnected with himself and therefore, he is disconnected with others, appearing cold and unemotional. It's not his fault. Something happened that caused him to be this way. Maybe he never felt loved and cared for by his parents as a child. This affects the psyche.
Im literally emotional... thank you for this video.
Just RUN ! 🤣
Folledudesert11 Agree!
I dont know if someone will ever understand th a from me but I felt understood and I understood more about myself so thank you,really,thank you so much
Im new to your work... I found this is a really helpful and insightful video for my clients and my own journey in heinf dismissive avoidance. I completely agree with your observation... I see consistently that my most highly sensitive, intuitive and deeply caring clients struggle with this attachment style. More of these videos please!
Who would have thought but having a relationship would be so complicated? had I known all this information a few years ago I think I may still have had a chance with an ex-girlfriend. It's a shame though that these dismissive individuals throw in the towel just because they had a bad childhood. As much as we try to work on accommodating them, I think it's a two-way street or at least should be. I'm sorry that stuff happened to them when they were young... But.... Let's try to understand it and come to the table with an open mind.
They are weak.
Too much work dealing with these ppl. They'll hurt you. Move on!!!
negrita305 they’ll crush your soul basically even if it’s unintentionally
Ahhh, so nice to come across your denial, superiority and stupidity twice in one day!
@@emotophobiccdd8006 relevance?
YES! Too much work for very little in return. Run like hell.
Really good advice, thank you. My DA has been exactly this. Didn't realise how much expectation I was putting on him to change himself for me.
Stop excusing his behavior! He’s not a child
@@joei3943 not all DAs are going to be same
@@joei3943 thank you. We as AP tend to blame ourselves for the DAs wrongs. My DA lied to me and I dumped him coz it broke trust between us. While going through the break up, I found myself blaming myself for leaving him, that if I didn't seek more intimacy and a connection he wouldn't have lied. So thank you for this reminder.
All the comments saying it's better to find someone else because this is too much work, maybe for you yes. But I love THAT person and I can't replace them. Even if it's hard, that doesn't mean they aren't worth the hard work
this is so helpful Thais, thank you for putting this out here. I feel like this is helping me and my partner who are recovering dismissives
Yeah. I was dating someone who was dismissive avoidant. We were long distance and I went to go visit with the expectation that we would value our time together and be close. Instead, I get called clingy, and told that I “don’t know how to be alone in a relationship”. Like sorry, I didn’t travel 4500 miles to be sitting on opposite ends of the couch. All of the sudden I felt uncomfortable, and already feared that showing affection would be too much for him. And it was. Also throw in him giving more warm attention to another girl who liked him and he claimed wasn’t getting it that he was no longer interested in here when I was visiting, and then getting upset with me for kissing him in front of her, and being possessive. I understand now that I shouldn’t have interfered in his business with her, and I learned my lesson but there was no forgiveness available, no willingness to work through anything. He said he didn’t want to be with someone who needed reassurance in a relationship and then withdrew and stonewalled in passive aggressive ways. At the time I didn’t realize that I was anxiously attached but at the same time he treated me like I wanted too much from him, when he didn’t even tell me any of his needs and preferences in terms of affection and wanting space.
Emotionally Unavailable Dismissive Avoidant here..... 15:40 What if you shut down when validated. I have fallen into a pattern with my wife that if I get a whiff of a compliment or appreciation I am IMMEDIATELY suspicious of the impending cost or in other words I feel like I am being "buttered up". I have interrupted with "what do you want?" or "what is this conversation going to cost me?" and sense of annoyance/impatience. It wasn't always this way but I guess married experiences on top of unsafe childhood experiences.
Thank you so much for your compassion. I know he loves me. You are so spot on.
Great video. Very insightful! :) I hope I remember these pointers :)
While understanding is necessary to provide a safe space.
.it can remain extremely difficult not just to feel hurt or triggered into pain -- but ( as much ) anger or rage over being ' reeled in ' manipulated and lied to....i.e. BETRAYED.. by the
giving engaged [ but actually dismissive] person you connected to but who now suddenly doesn't exist
..Nor do that feel like they are responsible and accountable for the fact that they have shown you that they are capable of interacting in a positive manner with communication and receptivity early on;
But choose not to now--
that now they characterize this as not really accepting them " BEING THEMSELVES"
As YOU are being expected to be let go of the expectation they provided that you could rely upon that initial presentation that they adopted to " get you " ..
This desire if expressed from you is perceived as IRRATIONAL CRITICISM..
an attempt to smother them..limit their autonomy and a handy excuse to withdraw even further ..
blaming you for driving that dynamic..and passive aggressively refusing to own that behavior patterns ..
While retreating i nto a comfort zone as " set point " that isn't sufficiently other focused
I had to piece-meal and dissect what you're trying to say. So, everything you are saying is absolutely correct. That is exactly what a dismissive avoidant does, they lead you in and then pull away. Then blame you for their pulling away by refusing to speak or zone out without acknowledging they're dismissive avoidant behavior. This is where the one-sided and self-sabotaging of the relationship begins with a dismissive avoidant.
yes exactly that is all they can do, that's what it is to be dismisdive avoidant @Empress-H...
("Empress-Highpriestess"? what attachment style will that imply? u r making me think now 🤔
@@tomobedlam9045 All I read here is judgement and blame. You only get to control yourself, so, what you going to do? Blame others, or take responsibility for yourself? Your call
I really like your videos 😀 I’m glad I found ur channel
A deeply informative video! Thank you!! I find your videos truly helpful and would love to be able to hear you better. :-) I’ve found that I struggle to hear you even with headphones and volume turned all the way up. Simply wanted to share in case others run into this as well. 😊
This pretty much sums me up. Eye opening! Thank you for this video.
Yeah it sucks.
I started this video thinking everyone in my life was dismissive avoidant and I'm the only anxiously attached one. About halfway through I realized I'm the dismissive avoidant one! lmaoooo girl how did you do that??
Katie Fedele 😂😂😂😂
Lmao I thought I was anxious turns out I'm fearfully avoidant. It was weird that I read a book I really identified with both anxious and avoidant and now I understand why
@@sxyteesa0890 yeah. I think I need to watch the video again because I thought I was one way and it turns I'm another but idk
@@sxyteesa0890 whT book was it?
So what's the excuse after years and years of watching someone else destroy themselves in an attempt to make you happy? One of the memorable fights I had with my dismissive-avoidant "partner" was at a low point for both of us, living out of a hotel room with our baby boy; I asked him why he always treated me like dirt despite seeing me give 110% everyday to our relationship (even to the point of abandoning my own family to "rescue" him from his own bs). He said "well if you didn't always act like a doormat..." LOL In other words, he perceives GENEROSITY towards him as an invitation to abuse that person. Imagine being that way for nearly 2 decades & not realizing that YOU are fully in the wrong and in serious need of professional help.
My DA keeps closing down now we in the friend zone again can't keep up but I love him
I really appreciate your video - so full of insights and compassion. And so true. Thank you so much💫💫
I would only date one of these individuals if they were serious about working on their attachment issues. I am a very understanding and patient person but if you can't meet me halfway I'm out.
I love all of your videos. Thank you. Your videos are hard to listen to and my volume is all the way up. Maybe a microphone would help. Much love!
carmen chandler agree - I have a hard time hearing them too.
Great subjects tho
I would like to take a moment to thank you for doing this video! I believe the person I was in a relationship with, that asked me for time and space, is this, or mostly reflects, this type of attachment. And more so I thank you for providing sooo much insight and possible tips on how to be around this type if we truly love someone like this, and for me, I believe in this person so much I am not going to give up on them just because right now we are not together! My gut tells me to not give up and so I will keep moving on and try to approach this person with so much more knowledge and understanding of why they might act a certain way! Again thanks for the video!
How did it go?
Thank you so much ❤️
The knowledge you gave really resonated
I would really like to help her...
Though at times it doesn't feel like you can actually depend on an dismissive avoidant, especially if suppose they don't talk to you all of a sudden for a few days..
But things are much better now..
Oms