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Top 7 Deactivating Strategies The Dismissive Avoidant Uses & WHY! | Romantic Relationship Advice
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- Опубликовано: 14 авг 2024
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7 Main Types of Deactivating (Closing Off) Strategies the Dismissive Avoidant Uses & WHY
- 7 Types of Deactivating Strategies
- Why the Dismissive Avoidant Shuts Down
- What are Deactivating Strategies?
What are Dismissive Avoidants I hear you ask? Check out our playlist here to find out more about them - • Self Soothing Versus C...
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I’m Thais Gibson, welcome to my channel and thank you for stopping by!
This is a channel designed for you, to be used as a resource to create lasting transformation in your personal and professional life. Here you’ll receive an ongoing series of personal development and spiritual growth videos for you to expand your awareness and find resolution and deep understanding within.
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*I read this title as "Red Flags To Get Out of A Relationship That's Gonna Cost You WAY Too Much and Not Be Worth It At All."*
I think more people are watching the videos about DA's and FA's instead of the ones about AP's. I think it's because most of the viewers are in fact AP's (or secure) trying to make their relationship work with the aforementioned so they are more interested in learning about their partners instead of learning about themselves. Please don't stop posting videos about AP's because of the viewing numbers. They are just as important
@helen Wiltshire Yes. The struggle is real. We should just try to remember that self love is where we get the healing from and not anywhere else
That's completely true. I'm actually here to learn both about myself and about someone else since we share this attachment style, so I guess it's a two in one for me lol
FA watching and halfway thinking about a DA-semi-ex-it’s-complicated, and yes yes yes. It’s nice hearing what might be going through their head, it feels humanizing (tho idk if AP and secure are receptive to that, such much whining in the comments), but the videos about your own style are much, much more useful. And this is the only thing you have control of.
Yes, AP here, would love more videos on this attachment style.
Both is important indeed :)
I recently learned that my focus on trying to understand the other person...can make it seem like I don’t want to open up about myself or my feelings and make me seem fake/dishonest :o
Meanwhile thinking im being sweet and selfless... it can work counter effectively
Dismissive Avoidant Deactivating Strategies 1. Physical Distancing 2. Emotional Withdrawal 3. Connection Hangover (Intrusive Thoughts of Doubt) 4. Doubting and Questioning the Relationship 5. Fear of not meeting emotional/social expectations 6. Infatuation with an ex 7. Idolization to fictional characters/celebrities
@Derrick Ingram that is the man I love, but why????
ruclips.net/video/RQBzfdVfSQY/видео.html
My man:
1. Yes
2. Yes
3. Yes
4. Yes
5. Yes
6. He talks to exs
7. When clubbing without me he dresses like a pimp.
Hah, been there done that. Good summary
"Infactuation with an ex" it is at this stage I wished he could have reached out.
Was married to a DA for 20 years. I knew nothing of Attachment Styles until 2 years ago (Thanks to PDS) and now I understand so much more. Knowing what I do now, I'll never be in any relationship with a DA again. Ever. It's nothing short of abuse for an AP/FA.
I'm sensing that myself. You don't matter until they activate and they don't try to activate often lol It's kind of like you're a stray that gets a taste of life inside a home then you're kicked back out to the cold winter and you look through the window at the home you had.
@@jamesgraves9858 that visual is so real and painful it almost made me cry...
Perfectly described. You never feel like you are on solid, secure footing.
What do you think allowed the relationship to last for 20 years with a DA?
@seanmurray8439 Not sure if anyone had an experience like mine, but I was with my DA for 14 yrs (12 married & separated for 2). I only learned about this whole psychology goodies the last yr we were together because he cheated and I wanted us to work things out. Thing is I NEVER saw ANY of his DA traits until after the affair. I thought his behaviors were due to the affair and limerance. It hurt me like crazy, but it opened to door for my healing. I messed up in our marriage too, but I was wounded as well & started the inner work. Unfortunately, we just signed the divorce papers because he says he can't force the healing. I'm tired. We have 2 daughters and I give him credit for keeping the communication with them, but I reminded him healing was important for him to have peace within and for when our girls grow up and have questions, he doesn't distance himself from them because it is tough. It's bittersweet because he taught me a lot and was the love of my life. But when you both are wounded, it's chaos. My recommendation is to heal individually before you seek a partner. Once you start you healing journey, you will be able to recognize and stay away from those red flags. I'm a recovering AP.
D.A's puts me on guard automatically. I don't chase. I would call their bluff. If they want to go, they can go . If they want to "punish" me with the silent treatment, I can go slient for much longer and go about my business. I do not feel comfortable with either clingy or dismissive personalities . Good balance of connection and separation is necessary for me . I am secured with myself and does not seek validation from anyone. I enjoy being with healthy secure person like myself.
I was ghosted by a dismissive avoidant, and this has really helped me to not take it personally, thank you so much.
Yeah, it's not you at all. If they are a completely unaware DA, their wiring is so twisted up and sparking, it's amazing they can get through their day without bursting into flames.
Sometime it’s personal tho, for those immature DAs, who are into chasing game and feel good about themselves
Yes how to break through these deactivating strategies would be a great help. Damn DAs are complicated you need a degree in psychology to have a normal relationship with them unbelievable.
Honour I’ve discovered a lot of them also exhibit/ have a cluster B disorder (narcissistic, borderline, antisocial personality disorder). It’s very complicated because traits can overlap.
@@SK-no2pp Yes i have realized that too thxs for input.
So true !
Should be listed on their drivers licence so at least you know what you’re dealing with and the potential years you’ll waste trying to work them out
Lol just read your vomment and watched the video, and for every strategy she listed my thoughts went "Well duh? Of course that's what you do." Then I remembered reading your comment and I thought "Wait what, don't everybody do that?"
DA's can even make a securely attached feel unloved. Unless they truly want to work on themselves, it isn't worth it. If you feel that statement is harsh, remember- they're thinking that way about you before you came to the same conclusion.
My ex has actually said, "it isn't worth it", but we always end up back together. Now, COVID19 has stopped me this time. I need exclusivity not death.
Exactly it's not worth it!! Although far from ideal and probably annoying, it's easier to manage someone with anxious attachment. Relationships are ALL about intimacy, avoidants are intimacy destroyers, love sabotaging folks, it's not a good match!
My DA called me "Love" the other day, I haven't heard back from him since. I'm an FA and loved hearing that, but tge cost of now feeling rejected is too much trauma for me. 😢. I am hurt and so frustrated. 9mnths of taking steps forwards to go further backwards...
Join the club girl. Then what will happen is that the use of "love" will just completely be dropped because it becomes too confusing and/or volatile for anyone in a relationship with a DA. Run if there are no kids.
My god the 'vulnerability hangover' is SO SPOT ON. This happened to me - the DA opened up to me one night and then the next night went out with her friends and wouldn't respond to me. It was the beginning of the end. Thank you for your videos
When you described the "vulnerability hangover" I got chills! Dealt with this very recently with a DA partner. Slept over, cuddled with me all night and the next day barely texted and was very short with me smh.
I’ve been through that too and it’s emotionally hard to handle
I had a very similar experience, came to see me, long talk, chilled, cuddled, it’s 3 weeks gone no calls , no sort of communication since... 😢it’s very hard
Damn I gotta be honest I do this and then I go through bouts of depression because I ruminate on how shitty I was, then I reinforce it like “damn I hurt that person I should leave them alone” and then they don’t hear from me after that
I have been on both sides. I think I used to lean more secure, and now I identify with most of this. Generally, I do better with another person that is fairly avoidant as long as it’s not too extreme or then one of us pulls away or runs and we never get beyond that. I do this though. So, I think I’m more successful with DA men sometimes because I get it, don’t take it personally and also need space - especially at the beginning stages of a new relationship. I think one thing I’ve learned is that it’s helpful to just allow a bit of space, mainly to give the person-or in my case myself-time for the chemical cocktail to wear off and feel a little more clear-minded and in control. If I suspect a man is also doing this, it’s probably because we went too fast, it was too intense, too good and we scared each other. I have attracted a lot of runners immediately after ridiculously amazing first dates or encounters. It does suck. I have managed to keep it going beyond that by doing nothing.. NO texts, or love gushing or anything for a few days and then reaching out. If the emotions and attraction can simmer down, they seem able to reconnect. But I have learned if I don’t reach out myself, they may just drop off and disappear. I have done the same thing though and sometimes I feel repulsed but if they back off and try again later, I can tolerate it. Partly it may be because I can generate a lot of chemistry quickly and get 100% overwhelmed if a man falls too hard too fast.
@@rymndry I get this. And I’ve dated men that I absolutely knew they were very into me but they did this and it’s hard to know how to get past it once guilt sets in. Curious, how could a woman make it better? Or could they? If they reached out a couple weeks later would you be relieved or interested? I have tried this with *some success a time or two. ??
You just described 4/5 strategies my ex used. I got too close. You even used words she used, “ protection “ when she showed feelings, pulling away after being vulnerable, I got too close. She also voiced concerns that she was scared she couldn’t meet my needs. Oh boy. There’s been contact recently and I’ve been very secure and polite when talking.
She gave me huge smiles, even blushing... the next day, cue her feeling she had been too vulnerable showing those feelings, she spoke of needing to protect herself, and sent a rather unpleasant text.
Sad, gorgeous loving man here( she used to always call me that) ready to hold her hand through anything.... she’s Terrified. And so I work on me, give her space, and I hope one day she can figure this out, and reach out to the man who loves and adores her deeply and unconditionally xx
I feel you man. I'm in your same shoes. I would have done anything for her but she just pulled the rug right out from under me and pushed me off a cliff. Hopefully they do some day realize we have huge hearts and they come back. The hardest part is trusting someone like this after they've already hurt us. So at the end of the day maybe someone else better will come along who appreciates us for who we are. Best of luck on your journey
Please don't wait for them to realise anything and come back, heal and move on❤️
They wont
So good of you not killing yourself to try to get her. Sometimes all we have to do is to let people go
Getting deactived is damn painful. especially when they make you out to be the villain when you showing them how to have a healthy relationship.
True. They should date other avoidants and leave us anxious and secure folks alone.
@@sunbeam9222 They are charming & engaged in the beginning. Then ice you out & give breadcrumbs if and when they feel like it. That's manipulation. People can and should probably leave but not everyone is so heartless and they usually go for those who have qualities they don't possess ie secure, anxious or FA
As a DA, it was very therapeutic to have these experiences I go through be put in to words xx
I couldn't agree more
@@MotorcycleMan79
Hi,
I've read your messages here and very enlightened by the glimpse into a DA's mind.
I'm seeing a DA man and for a while and have observed his progress with less and shorter deactivation periods.
However, now he has deactivated big time again!
This was after a text convo where I said "I can still smell your perfume on my pillow" and that "I will buy some for pillow spray."
After that last message, I haven't heard from him awhile which made me wonder if that statement has been interpreted by him to indicate my need for intimacy and closeness. BTW, that wasn't my intent! I just really love the smell of his perfume!
Now I fret that all the progress has been undone by that?😟
Do you think that I made him deactivate by that statement or am I just overthinking?
I know that being an INTJ/DA, he goes into hyperfocus with work and hobbies and that could very well be the reason I haven't heard from him.
Would really appreciate your feedback🙏
@@warmhart2034 I am happy to offer my opinions...
These are not cut and dry situations, meaning it it almost never going to be a situation where you said or did one solitary or specific thing that tripped him into going M.I.A.
What is more likely to be the case is that his "cup" has been filling steadily over the last few days/weeks/months and it gets to the point where just the smallest drop of trigger will cause the cup to spill over. Almost like that giant water bucket at a water park that kids stand under. Drip drip drip into the cup, until one last drop causes the whole thing to 180 and dump all that emotional weight out of him. What you said to him about his smells and colonge is not in and of itself wrong or triggering. If you said that to him right AFTER he had recovered and reconnected from a deactivation episode, then I would think it is taken as it was meant, sincerely, and complimentary. But on the flip side, as soon as I read those words I said...uh....Yep, that could cause me to flip if I was already filled up too. There is nothing wrong with what you said to him...it is romantic and sweet, and shows you are connected to him and want to stay that way. All good things, and you shouldn't feel the need to analyze your words or part in his deactivation. It's 100% him and would happen regardless of his partner...(that is meant to make you feel better, not feel less impactful in his life. This is a him issue 100%)
What I would focus on here is what you said about his deactivation sessions getting shorter and farther apart. That means you are winning!! And while winning at some point in a game doesn't guarantee victory when the whistle blows, the fact that you are scoring goals (shortening and distancing deactivation sessions), tells me that you are making progress. The point of contention comes when our expectations and the pace of progress don't align, so while I would never suggest that you put yourself in a situation where you feel unfulfilled, I would humbly suggest that you are making progress with this human, and that you keep that in perspective.
Advice on DAs is tough to give, because we are on a spectrum and I have no real understanding of where your fella sits on that chart, not do I know you. I don't know your patience, your character or your convictions, so I while I of course can't give relationship advice due to my limited knowledge of you both, I will again softly suggest that:
1. You guys have made measurable progress
2. You have seen steady improvement (2 steps forward, 1 step back is TOTALLY NORMAL)
3. You are willing and trying to understand him (the fact that you are here and looking for answers is beautiful to me), and that can't be taken lightly
5. He has come back to you after each deactivation session
Those 5 things suggest to me that it is still worth putting work into.
I would never advise someone to stay in a losing or negative situation, but just the way you described your relationship, I don't think you guys are a lost cause. At least not right now.
Let him have his time to decompress. You should also use that time to decompress! It's heavy to be with a DA, and our partners needs vacations too. Part of what will help him is you simply letting him go through these things knowing you will be there when he comes out. That is not suggesting that you let him treat you like shit, but how YOU feel when he is deactivating is often up to YOU. His deactivation can be scary to you, I understand that, but history has proven to you that this man deactivates but comes back. Every time. And man, if you asked me how I would know if I truly loved someone, it wouldn't be based on whether I was having deactivation periods in the relationship, because that stuff is likely always going to happen to some degree.
So how would I know then if I truly loved this person if it wasn't defined by my ability or inability to control my deactivations? Well if I went back every time, that is how I would know. A true DA will deactivate when we feel unsafe. But if we keep coming back, it is because we DO feel safe with YOU. We just haven't balanced all of that out with our trauma yet, and while for many DAs (maybe most) that balance never happens, your story says he has been improving steadily, so I think you might be in a better position than it feels at times with this man.
Thats my two cents, anyway. 😊
@@MotorcycleMan79 wow your words have helped me through a tough time! Thank you! It’s been a year with my DA and his first deactivation was for 3months! I started to learn about attachment styles and I do not bombard him with anxious attachment thoughts anymore. His deactivation times have been getting shorter now that I think about it and he always tells me now he needs space… in a round ahout way. Which I honor and never bother him… he comes back. We have seen each other a lot recently, he made the effort to see me, and I feel like he’s got an emotional hangover… he’s been slowly getting further away from me over the past week, and I’ve given him space… but now he just sends a meme every so often. Can I have your advice please? Should I check in with him, or just leave him be? I don’t want him to think I don’t care.
Thank you :)
@@warmhart2034 when I was still in love with my DA after he left, I would join you in analyzing his behavior. Now that I’m completely over him, I immediately felt so much burden for you to analyze each individual behavior. It is not healthy for you to do an action by action evaluation. You will feel exactly the same once you reach to my state of mind.
Looking forward to the fearful avoidant version of this
tiger lily - i am curious about this from a FA's side. Why do you get cold and numb inside when you receive love ? Which kinds of the five blove languages do you react this way to? If you may enrich readers by opening up, explaining this?
I have a similar experience and for me, my core wounds are around shame and worthiness. I actually just talked about this with my husband yesterday. I had a super rough day, snapping at everyone and just grumpy. He offered a hug and I just couldn't take it. Part was that I felt overwhelmed by the emotional response that came up, but part was also a deep send of shame over my behavior and feeling like there's no way I deserve the love he is offering.
Even on top of that, I have a very very hard time understanding love and anger or disappointment existing towards me at the same time.i knew he must have felt disappointed in me, so it was hard to trust his love. It almost felt like he's trying to manipulate me into feeling better. It sounds pretty crazy writing it out, but I think all that flew through my mind in the five seconds before I told him "not right now" to the hug.
@@sarahg2161 thanks for this. I offered a hug to my now ex once when she was overwhelmed and unable to talk about our relationship. She just teamed up, so I reached out to comfort her and she pushed me away. I could’ve understood it. I just looked at her, said sorry and left her alone. A week later, she says she is afraid she is afraid she wouldn’t be able to go on with me to fulfill my dreams of a family, then she ghosted me for a week. I was devastated, at that point I had zero knowledge of attachment issues. I thought I was in a nightmare and couldn’t understand how someone could flip a switch like that.
Would love to see how to breakthrough these deactivating strategies.
yes, I need help. I hate deactivating.
I am convinced that most DAs dont really care to do any real work in this space which would be consistent with their high opinion of themselves as a protective measure.
@@nathanielsbrown that’s not true.
Don’t assume they aren’t interested if there’s no contact for a day or a few. I would definitely avoid good morning, good night, daily texts. It might take a couple days for the “in love”, sexual chemicals to settle down. Just let it be… and then try a simple reconnection and temper the love gushing until you build more of a foundation of trust. You can say you enjoyed the connection, but I would lean toward going slower and assume they do like you but they truly just need some personal space to not feel engulfed or overwhelmed. If you focus on other things, instead of obsessing it’s easier too. I think there’s a sort of unconscious radar a person can sense. If you hear nothing, don’t assume they aren’t interested necessarily. Once you’re past an anxious or obsessive type response, reach out and typically they will be ready too. If you want to.. Otherwise they most likely will just let it go unless they have super intense feelings and then they might try to contact you or reply back much later than it makes sense to you. Just my personal experience and observations.,
Another practical tip: Two days is a good rule of thumb. Day after a deep connection, they might be processing and finding their balance. By day three, maybe day two they are able to drop some resistance.. if you text, resist the urge to keep texting if you don’t get a reply. It’s tough but stop yourself. Wait a few days, or if it feels like an extreme retreat, even a couple weeks before you attempt to reach out again. They might need you to do that. Each cycle should be less intense, as they become more secure. If they do care which they most likely do. Not sure if this is helpful or makes sense. If you feel too upset that you have to do extra work at the beginning or they shouldn’t act in a particular way, they will feel shamed, you’ll be frustrated and maybe better to just move on unless they are very special. I think it probably requires a lot of relationship skills and patience … mostly at the beginning. Later, not so much, necessarily.
My DA has been extremely vulnerable with me and now I feel like all the exposure has caused him to go into this dark and cold state for the past month or so. I’m just learning the psychological reasons behind his behavior and I’m still working on giving him that space... but now I fear that it may be too late. He doesn’t have a problem with having surface level conversations, in fact he could come off as extremely friendly so he’s okay with talking to other people but me right now. To put it into perspective a little bit more. I’m an AA so I’m really struggling here.
I love a DA.....realizing it isn't going to work, him suddenly denying his feelings is so heartbreaking for me. I'm in so much pain. :(
Wow this video couldn't have come on a better timing. I've been going through your videos looking for reasons behind ghosting.. I'm a FA and just got ghosted by a DA. After several attempts to push him away, because of lack of trust, eventho I could see him really trying so hard to make it work.. I think I finally managed. The main reasons could be the feeling of not meeting my expectations, overwhelmed by the emotions and stressed about a work situation he decided to dive into completely and disconnect from the world... I really need to work on how to communicate my needs in a more gentle way and not be so quick to act on my feelings 🙄. I just wish he would have given a heads up or communicated what he needed instead of just going puff..
Please do a FA version. We need it! And thank you for the wonderful work you are doing! It has helped me in so many ways
Now that you've taught us about the 7 different deactivating strategies.. it would be so appreciated if you could make a video on how to stop these deactivating strategies.... so it won't sabotage the relationship :) Keep up the good work! Thank you for making these videos!
You can't, the DA has to do it. You can't do it for them.
@@marcd2743 Sure, but there are things a partner can do to help facilitate and make space for that process. Or at the very least not impede it. Even just having the knowledge that it's an entirely personal journey that a partner cannot take on or process for them is helpful for someone who believes they can help "fix" them.
@@lblincoe2094 You haven't gone the distance with a DA then. It's a total sucker's game. You've been warned.
@@marcd2743 I've been married to one for 15 years, I'd say that's the "distance"
@@lblincoe2094 Fair enough. I'd guess DAs come in spectrums. Yours must not be all the way there, or you are a masochist.
Woah that hugging thing. Yes, that is me! It was always that my partner hugged me. I didn't really engage in the hug (embrace him) and you could exactly count the seconds until I stopped the hug (not pushing away, just walk away). When he noticed the pattern and physical touch being his love language, we started to practice the hugging thing. It's going better, but I still find it very difficult.
Why be with him then if physical touch isn't your thing
02:25 I'm an FA and I relate to this so much. Whenever I notice I'm deactivating and feel like running away, the emotional pain I go through is so overwhelming and painful. I have had people tell me it was rude of me to behave the way I did, and I'm sorry I behaved that way... but if only they knew what sort of pain I was going through. Looking forward to the video that focuses on this!
Love to hear more about about the pain you go through when running away. Wouldn’t you feel relieved? AP are the ones on receiving end and got hurt.
@@brookelight2090 I'm a FA and I can answer this. Since we have both AP and DA traits, we can absolutely feel the same pain an AP feels. For me I tend to feel triggered when there's a shift in the dynamic or something was said. Two things will happen. I'll start getting extreme anxiety a couple of months leading up to when I leave and I will have sort of an explosion of emotions and then expect him to shut down which he would and we would stop talking. I absolutely felt relieved afterwards. If this was me with an AP, it wouldn't happen because I've never felt emotions for this type. I've had relationships with them, but never felt a real spark as I don't like to be smothered or controlled. That's why I like DA's because they respect my space. But I turn into an anxious wreck with them. I'm taking the PDS course now. I have no interest in continuing this way of living.
Please do a fearful avoidant one!
Please just make a new channel for all DA videos 😂🙌🏻 This has been the most helpful channel-thank you so much for all of your DA information. I’m a secure trying to understand a DA man.
There's a line of a song that applies to the dismissive avoidant ruining thier efforts by deactivating after every intimate thing:
it's always one step forward and three steps back do you love me? want me? hate me? boy i don't understand🎵🎶
This is what happened to me. Spent a weekend away and we came back and she was a totally different person. The more I was like hey what’s going on and you seem distant the more she pulled back. It caused me to get upset and then we would argue and she became dismissive when it came to my feelings.
We stopped talking for a week and then she reached out and we saw each other but it was awkward. Again, she pushed me away and I got upset and then I expressed how I felt about her and then she was like well this isn’t gonna work. That was over a week ago. Don’t mess with these DA types. It’s just going to lead to frustration and heartbreak.
Thank you for the video. Really interesting. As anxious attachemnt style (AAS) has a fear of rejection/abandonement, is there a possibility to have a video on how AAS can stop abandoning themselves on the first place before fearing rejection/abandonement from someone else? What are the strategies to mitigate these? Any tools you could suggest?
She seems so animated, expressive eyes.i like when she uses her hands to count. Great help n detailed, good job
Thank you so much for these videos on DAs. I consider myself a DA type person.I recognize myself in your descriptions and I can see the patterns in my relationships and core wounds my childhood created. I am living in happy marrige for 12years but we had our ups and downs as I got triggered by things. I had a life changing discovery 2,5 years ago that started my personal development, it is not an easy ride but I love it and it helped me to feel more and love more. Saying that I still have challenges, but more aware of them. Thank you very much again :-)
The problem here is that my DA didn’t exhibit these things initially, not in any major ways even for the first five years or so. Then gradually the rules change mid game, till it gets to the point she says, “just be glad that I’m here at all” It’s unreasonable for me to expect any effort on her part to express to me any affection, appreciation, love, bonding, sex, etc. At the same time she enjoys reconnecting with her ex (platonically according to her) and I’m supposed to be ok with it. Sorry, as an SA style, I still do have feelings, and it’s time for this to end. So sad
I would love a video for how to break through these (as a DA)
Fine, pull away for one or two days, but when it becomes progressive over 5 days to the point of full detachment that can go on for up to two weeks, it’s too much, and I feel abandoned.
Omg I said the same thing!
I’m going through the same thing... it’s frustrating
How are you guys doing now? Please tell me it gets better?
@@aarti9327 nope. I had to cut him off for good. He kept coming back... and was worse and worse. So I had to cut him off completely. Cold turkey.
Wow. Yeah, I couldn't deal with one day, 5? 2 weeks?? Was this with no contact the entire time.?
Some people on here are saying that DA's are never worth the trouble.. this is false. As no one is completely one way or the other.. and people can change. You can't just write somebody off because they struggle with relationship issues brought on most likely by their childhood.. everyone has issues like that to a certain extent. I think the main thing should be about finding someone who shares life goals, values, and certain traits. Like sense of humor, spirituality, intelligence and whatnot.. beyond that it's about both parties being patient and having a vision of the future together. And a willingness to not only work on themselves.. but be forgiving and be willing to help the other person progress individually as well. That's hard to do when your attachment style edges you towards a more selfish, or even completely unselfish, approach.. but a relationship is a joint effort. You can't just think about yourself.. and you can't just think about the other person. It's a tight rope you have to walk.. just like everything else in life.
Thank you for the enlightenment. Begging your pardon but I only heard 6 strategies:
- Physical distancing
- Vulnerability hangover
- Doubting own feelings
- Fear of not meeting expectations
- Infatuation with an ex
- Infatuation with fictional characters
Thank you!
I’m an anxious and my ex is DA. Been broken up for 6 weeks because I felt like he didnt love me and he was sick of the fights and thought that letting me go was the best for me because we never solve anything. I found out about attachment theory recently and I feel totally hopeless. If I tell him he’s a DA , he will surely feel attacked. If I dont, he will keep having unsuccessful relationships and not know why. We both love each other and I just want him back and I dont want him to hurt anymore, I really want to help him but it seems impossible. We started talking again 2 weeks ago, i initiated contact but he always responds days later, and in the middle of the night when i am offline. I really dont know what to do to break through to him. Even saying sorry for my part might push him further away...I dont know what to do😔
VALGERDUR BIRGISDOTTIR i’m so sorry to hear that, but the good news is that you have identified yours and his attachment style. Put the focus on you, and work on yourself- develop further into learning about the anxious type and how you can become more secure. In the meantime, consider going into no contact and let him reach out as he did the breaking up. Do the work to improve yourself, so you can build healthy relationships in the future regardless of whether he comes back or not. You are a high value person, with time and the WORK you’ll become the best version of yourself!
You said "is this doubting of your feelings based in fear or truth, you'll know the difference" but I don't know the difference, I don't know if this thing I don't like about my partner is actually my truth or if I'm just thinking these thoughts about them as a way to justify my feeling of wanting to run. My partner is amazing for the most part but I sometimes get these feelings like they're doing something that I don't know if I can stay with them forever, but I really don't know if it's true dissatisfaction or my brain trying to justify my flight response... How can I learn the difference
Being an AP myself I find that dealing with FA is the closest version of hell on earth. It ruined me inside and made me question my sanity. Don't do it to yourself people.
I see a ton of videos out there talking about the dynamic between an AA and DA, but I'd love to hear about the common issues that come up between an FA and DA or an FA and AA.
I'm an FA in relationship with a relatively secure DA. A lot of the anxious/avoidant stuff has helped me uncover some of what's under our relationship patterns, but we also have some issues that don't quite line up that seem to be attachment related, such as what you mention here about the DA needing clarity around boundaries, while us FAs are really rather bad at expressing our needs at all.
You might not see this message, but I would love a video on strategies for DA's to use whilst dating and confronting their fears (if they do like the person they are dating).
Yes !!! Great video Thais. FA deactivating strategies next please. “ we have to break up, it’s not working, what if this doesn’t work in 6 months”. I painfully remember these words.
Please keep diving deeper into DA behavior! I am enthralled and have never heard so much about personality styles like this!
I would really appreciate getting advice on getting through these deactivating strategies with the DA . I appreciate everything you share it’s help me grow so much thank you Thais!!
the hardest lesson for the lovers of DA is that its your job to help the DA stop deactivating. either they'll want to stop it or not. but you do have the choice to lovingly walk away from the person you love, because that is self-love
agree
@@12345678abracadabra I have walked away angrily many times but I always go back and each time it's good for about 3 weeks and then I'm faced with all his deactivating rules. This time it's my COVID 19 rule that caused me to loving leave as I gave him his 60th bday gift.
Hey Bibs, she has also videos on how to stop these deactivating strategies. I can tell you from my experience that having awareness and being attuned to what you feel and also question why you feel this way, then you can recognize based on the answers the automatic pattern starting. Unfortunately, in order to have that awareness of what you feel and why, you must first know that you do this due to your Attachment style and many people do not know that yet.
That is so true!I have not entered the course yet but I will!Thais is an angel really!These videos have opened my eyes!I have been trying to figure out my DA’s reasons for stonewalling and all. Have realized a lot of things myself. Learnt about myself, but everything is just on the surface. But with Thais, I have found the answers beneath. Unfortunately, he shuts me down if he hears me starting to talk about anything regarding psychology. I always talk about myself so that he doesn’t feel offended. Nowadays I just wait until he is over his periods. Maybe I gently touch his arms, these sort of things. Sometimes Im strong but other times i get anxious.
Excellent video, thank you. That's so true that DA's simply feel lost about how to express or show feelings; it's got nothing to do with being emotionless. Kinda frustrating actually, especially as a woman because it's socially expected
There's also another deactivating strategy which is thinking badly about an ex during the break up so they don't have to feel the pain of missing them i'm fa and i've been judged by my ex da friend i couldn't fix things with her cuz she was too busy convincing me and herself that i'm "a bad person" and that it's all my fault i couldn't have any good conversation without being accused of having "bad intentions" and when i pass all that and treat her with kindness she shuts off and feel ashamed.. i got judged by her to the point where i couldn't be myself around anyone for months i felt like a horrible person that i didn't want anyone to see... now i gave up trying to forgive her cuz let's be real i'll never forget what she said and done and that will remain making a huge distant between us i perfer leaving then living with the constant fear of being betrayed again 💔
Hi! I wanted to thank you for these videos- they are a big reason that I was able to begin reprogramming myself as a dismissive avoidant. I am now in a great relationship and am committed to continuing my growth- I was wondering if you had any tips on how to support a partner when they come to you for support- I have an immense inward struggle because I want to help but feel like I dont know how and any attempt to do so wouldn't help.
It's so heartening to see a DA working on themselves! Sometimes I think they get a bad rap for being unaware and selfish, so it's refreshing to see the other point of view :) I wish you all the best on your journey!!
For me a big thing in feeling supported would be if the partner asks me questions and shows interest in my life and problems. Not to fix them, but to be encouraging, and taking time for me. Showing me that I matter basically. Try to see how you can show that to your partner most effectively.
deuxquatresixhuit thanks man ! We do get a bad rap but i can tell you we are all just yearning for love & don’t know what that means or how to receive it. I basically got tired of my shit haha, thank you for the support !!
@@deuxquatresixhuit those DAs who working on themselves are secure person has DA traits. Don’t get your hopes up.
Hello Thais. You are the sweetest person, thank you for the videos. I want to hear about ghosting or stonewalling or whatever it is when your DA / FA partner leaves the relationship without even saying goodbye and consistently refuses to talk to you, ignoring your calls, messages etc.
@@amandasherrill2323 It's been 6 months. When this need for space gonna end? How long should I wait?
@@amandasherrill2323 I still need to know why he did this.
Thank you soooo much. Your videos about DA's are so helpful and kind. ❤️
Your videos are so incredibly helpful. Thank you. Could you do a video please on a DA in terms of break ups and always had doubts between 1-3 months of dating/ relationship. My DA ex has broken up with me 3 times and every time by text message. It’s hurts. He gets very uncomfortable with any confrontation. Every time there’s no explanation for the break up. I’ve had to walk away this time. Been in no contact for 3 months and he hasn’t reached out. Thanks
I'm in exactly the same boat!
They seem to cycle you in and out over and over until the final discard. It’s pretty much the same lovebombing, devaluing, discard, rinse repeat strategy of narcissists. So the partner never really knows where she stands - or whether she is even still the partner, so it’s an abusive cycle that usually ends in confusion and heart break for the partner.
thanks to your videos on attachment styles I was able to finally understand my ex and myself better and walk away. it was the hardest decision because I still loved her, but she refused to acknowledge her part or to even want to work on herself and the pattern of pushing me away or distancing whenever i got too close was now too predictable.
One dismissive avoidant pushed me one day… another just growled when I hugged him. I felt it was pretty hurtful. I would never push them a way. I might get upset and say what I feel in writing to a DA after they hurt me a few times…. And I have been kind and caring and I am then shocked and offended.
Great video! Would love love to see a video on the deactivating strategies for the fearful avoidant
I'd like to see the other attachment styles on this topic.
I fell in love with DA and became an FA!
DAs will NEVER reach your level of intimacy needs if you are secure, anxious or fearful. Read that again. Never. You can keep working on your relationship but this is their nature so the work will never pay off the way you need.
If you are secure enough, you will not necessarily NEED them to be on your level of intimacy. Anxious people tend to NEED that more. Depends on how much you love a DA.
@@tiname1805 incorrect…secure people have NEEDS and because they are secure, they leave dysfunctional relationships. DAs make relationships dysfunctional
@@evaollie9208 Secure people have needs but not necessarily THOSE needs that clash with the needs of an avoidant. A secure person may not mind the fact that the level of intimacy they offer vs receive is not the same. Speaking from experience.
@@tiname1805 and you are secure?
@@evaollie9208 yes.
I've met so many people like that and I'm so tired. It's exhausting to deal with them and in the end you're left thinking something is wrong with YOU, while it's clearly them having issues they don't work on
Thank you for this video, great as always. I would love to see more on how to break through these DA deactivating strategies, examples of deactivating strategies (eg shaming/degrading a partner, comparing them to others etc), and also it would be interesting to hear about any activating strategies a DA might use and those show up (ive dated DAs in the past and they have at times definitely shown some activating strategies).
Thank you for everything Thais. You are my quarantine saviour
I may sound so greedy right now but may I request video for both your suggestions? Deactivating strategies for other attachment styles and how to breakthrough these deactivating strategies? This information is incredible. Love these videos and topics. It’s made me realize so many hidden truths about myself that I wasn’t even aware of! 🙌🏻👏🏻🙏🏻 Thankyou so much for these videos ♥️
Thais has paid online courses, in which you will get more content. Also she holds love webinars, and will answer direct questions on them. Is this possibly a way to get your needs met, of which you might not have been aware so far?
Maximilian Batz will look into it! Thanks so much
Incredible video, everything you listed about my DA ex it was like I was checking a check list. Everything was 100% on point!
please post how to break through. Thank you :-)
My bf is deactivating since 3 weeks and I don’t know where this is leading too. But I do know, that I learned about myself so much during those weeks, I didn’t learn in a lot of years before.
Also I started to actually understand him better and to realise how I love bombed him. And it wasn’t actually much because of him specifically. It could had been any man as my partner, I would have love bombed either way. I was so much yearning for feeling loved and seen and feeling important to a man I like, that it happened “automatically”.
So however this relationship will or will not continue, this whole deactivating part helped me tremendously to understand myself better and to want to heal and grow in that area.
So when your bf is in his deactivating zone, take the space for yourself:). It’s extremely hard and also hurtful - but it will be worth it for you personally!
What happened? I could only handle a month and then I texted him
That was a very powerful video. It opened my eyes to why my man still talks to many many ex girlfriends. One has been around 30 years. In the past I told him that keeping exs as friends does nothing for us. In fact it makes me a little anxious because I think he might go back to one of them. He's never been married and just turned 60. There are many other issues between us. Its interesting that he never talks to them in front of me but will share some of their conversation with me.
This comment!! Very enlightening cause I am the boyfriend who still talks to exes, etc and this causes huge issues in my relationship (3 yrs). I think it has to do with having a desire that we are told is “not good”. Then to keep from getting feedback about “not being good” or hurting you by the desire, we do it in secret. Which only reflects the fears in the first place. I don’t know your husband, but for me, I never feel like I’m coming from an improper place or have bad intentions but it’s hard to find a balance cause the fear is completely logical yet the desire remains.
@@geauxtama why do u have this desire? According to Thais, the desire serves to block 100% intimacy with your current partner. I challenge you to stop the codependent behavior and see if your current relationship improves. My man, not my husband by the way, has told me he will not stop talking to exs that call him. He never admits to calling them. However. I bet when he and I are not talking he calls them. So what do these lonely women say to you, Geauxtama? In his case, the last story he shared was about how miserable the ex girlfriend of 25 years was doing with her husband who's 3 of 4 limbs have been amputated. Such a sad story for her husband. But why does she continue to call him? And why does he keep answering his phone? Regrets, I suppose. He wouldn't marry her because of her son so she left him and married someone else 1 year later.
Move on my friend. Don't waste your life. Since COVID 19 safe at home orders began I started talking to him about the dangers and putting our health at risk. I said we need to be exclusive. You see, he was trying to keep the relationship open but I said no! No way, my health is more important. Call me when you can be 100% exclusive with me. Good luck Geauxtama.
Teacher Alice I can’t really answer the question cause “I don’t know”. To me, it’s more to do with believing these people are my friends and a desire to bond. I understand that desire looks suspicious and the “hiding” although not right, I don’t think the other scenario (me speaking openly about the other relationship and causing hurt) was an option. So, I just dropped pretty much every relationship that was “questionable” to varying degrees. I don’t quite see how those relationships were blocking me from connecting with my partner 100% but at the very least they’re less worried about me talking to them cause I’ve completely written them off. Which hurts but...(insert deactivating strategy.)
The song "Carry On" by Crosby, Stills & Nash *had* to be about a dismissive avoidant.
"Where are you going now my love?
Where will you be tomorrow?
Will you bring me happiness?
Will you bring me sorrow?
Oh, the questions of a thousand dreams
What you do and what you see
Lover, can you talk to me?"
This was a really insightful video and I'm hopping it will help me connect better to my DA partner. I'd love to see more info on the activating/deactivating strategies for the FA, as well as ways to support your DA partner through breaking out of these strategies or communicating without triggering them.
Thank you for all you do! 💖
I'd like to see other attachment style's (de)activating strategies... I feel DAs get enough attention, as it is :D It's not that we can break through these strategies, they have to do it themselves...
Yeah as a DA I definitely have this want/unwanted feeling about relationships. I am a fun person, getting other people involved tends to ruin the experience...until you meet someone who can brighten the experience. As a DA, My BF broke up with me due to recurring issues that were unresolved in my past and now I feel like I never met his expectations from the get go.
Because you didn't. If you're a legitimate DA, you're indifferent to your partner's feelings at all. Please get help as you're just hurting people.
@@dr.options 90% of my relationship is being the emotional tampon to my AP boyfriend. Not fun.
Wow mind blown @14:14. That knowledge alone could save who knows how much in 'talk therapy' that is probably never revealed to DA's or their partners.
It's really good to discover this video but i would be hoping to hear what are the solutions and advices for us to cope with this deactivating behaviours
While you’re on the topic of the DA how to break through!!
I don't know how you guys stay in this, if someone does this to me once I'm running away as fast as I can
This is the video I should have watched first when my DA/FA deactivated.
I would love if you would do another video on how to break through DA deactivating strategies. Also one on FA and AA. Thank you for all the information you share. It's so helpful and life changing. Always looking forward to the next video.
As a DA, all the comments from FAs asking for deactivating strat breakthroughs makes me so nervous and I have feelings of wanting to withdraw. Lol! From who? Life is wild. All 7 pretty applied to me and I can feel the deactivation gearing up. I’m learning a lot.
Since most insecure attached people need to revisit their childhood and look at the relationship they had with a primary caregiver, can I ask what it is about this process that seems so scary to you? A DA ex used to say she thought there was little point in looking back and that we should only look forward and just accept the past and leave it at that. Although it was obvious from her facial expression and voice tone that she was nervously using that as an excuse and didn't actually believe it. Since you only have to confront a parent in your mind I don't see what's that scary about it.
Could this be related at all to Relationship OCD? I feel like I might be a DA and it’s causing me so much pain through my life because I love this girl and hate hurting her and I just want to be better so this will go away
some of these comments just make me feel bad about being a DA :/
ditto... feel like a lot of them don't understand how anxious and awful we can feel. i feel constantly ambivalent and torn between wanting connection and fearing i'm not worthy of it or can't handle it.
Don't feel bad. But try to be better.
Thanks so much Thais! What do you think about when the DA tries to tell you that they are unworthy of you and that you could be dating someone else in the future but you feel they are trying to tell you those things to push You away?
My DA tells me I would be better of in a relationship with someone who “needs to be saved”
My Ex DA said similar things. It's probably true. If they like you they'll probably keep saying that because they know their limits. We fell for them, but they can't finish what they started. I'm in the process if trying to move on & heal my own FA wounds. I heard “I don't feel like we are right for each other” after intimate acts and conversations one too many times.
I would like to see how you can breakthrough these deactivating strategies for the DA
Oh my god!!!I have just listened the end of this!!!And you are saying Thais that DAs put an ex on the pedestal!?!This is what is happening in my life!!!!He keeps going to his ex every Sunday!!!And she feels like the queen of everything!!!!Oh my god!!!!
Fearful avoidant version please!
Thank you for this video! Request for the fearful avoidant side!
Break through the strategies please!! Also, how to approach this in a relationship to help the person suffering
Do dismissive avoidants usually know it’s just their deactivating patterns/they’re feeling afraid or do they sometimes think “I just don’t have feelings anymore?”
@@hashtagspandas4070 thank you.
I'd love to see the video on the 'why' first
Very helpful! I'd love to see one for fearful avoidant. I can definitely recognize some of my patterns. I'm still discerning how much fear and truth lead me to push someone away.
Ugh I can relate to this too much. I'm DA and also FA (you can be both) and part of me doesn't want to be avoidant and part of me believes staying single is the easiest and safest option :(
OMG so true....I felt so rejected when my "maybe" DA did this to me, all over me then chose to come back from a trip early...to see me...(I thougt) I was hesitant/scared yet so happy/excited....& sure enough was to be short lived....he was so distant, didn't come near me, this was very triggering & confusing for me being an AP by the end of the night I had to say something & it was lik nothing was wrong!!!....I actually feel sorry for him, as he doesn't know how to feel or deal with the feelings/emotions or lack of that he has, but I wish he would try to understand & the effect it has on me....as I try to understand & accomodate his, yet he will just avoid totally!! Very painful & frustrating for an AP that feels everything & only wants to talk/sort/fix/love, not feel ignored, anxious e4c
Best of luck to all...
damn... it is a clear description of myself.
Such an important, life-changing message, Thais!!! You are doing such wonderful things that help so many lead happier, more fulfilling, loving lives. Thanks so much 🙂💐
Would love to hear the AP and FA versions of this
Thank you, you mentioned at the end you would make one for breaking though the deactivated patterns, that would be really helpful.
Hi, Thais. Have you made a video covering the de-activating strategies of the Fearful Avoidant? I can't find it...
Thanks once again for doing these they are so helpful! Signed up today and looking forward to doing my first course. Please could you do a daily video on DA/ Anxious couples during lockdown, who didn’t live together and are now isolating together and how to manage the relationship better in this situation. Thank you!
Thank you. Thank you for posting more videos lately about Anxious Attachment lately. It helps me understand myself.
You just laid out my whole truth there!
Great insight once again!! I'd love to hear deactivating strategies for AA and FA, both of which I am. Thank you.
Oh my...I have done all of these things lol
I didn't even know some of them were deactivating strategies
My now ex had all of this. We broke up because she started to talk with her ex, and she told me how her male best friend was better than me. Neither showed up for her as I did. It's crazy thinking that 3/4 days prior, she wanted to marry me.
Also, the fictional characters talk about them like i didn't even exist.
Then she breaks up and acts like i am the wordt person in the world
Thanks for doing this. It hit very close to home. I would love to hear more on this topic for breaking through.
My wife pushes me away if I try to hug her,or if I do hug,she is quick Say something in protest,or say she needs to get on with what she has to do,but she puts More urgency than is needed,,
I want it all and not ashamed to ask! 🙃 Knowledge is everything......
How to deal with DA’s deactivating strategies...
Honestly depends on the person. I prefer to just be left alone and go party with friends, but my friend prefers to put up a wall of only replying with memes and sometimes just outright leaving to think about stuff. You just gotta let it run it's course and just get better with spotting the signs when it's starting to happen
@@kailikesspamming
True that! Let it run. DA will come back🙏😊
@@kailikesspamming hi Kim! Can I ask? My DA has deactivated after seeing him and having a great time today.. emotionally closer … and now he’s not talking to me but he will send memes.. Is a good sign that he will come back? It’s been about a week of him slowly backing off and admitting he feels bad for not talking to me.. thank you for your input
@@Zara19888 Honestly I've changed so much within the past two years that I can't even remember what it was like being that way. My best advice for relationships is to set clear boundaries, have consistent communication (but don't make them feel cornered), and to remember that a relationship is about growing together and loving each other's company. Tell them how you feel in a way that doesn't seem like you're attacking them, validate their emotions as well, and ask how you both can compromise. And always end it with an "I love you"
@@kailikesspamming thank you for your reply! That’s great to hear you are no longer living with that mindset :)