My avoidant partner who had a year long affair (maybe multiple) just tried to reach out to get us help. I thought “great. She wants to do the work”. Nope. She found a wellness center for ME to go to to handle my depression. I told her “I’m not depressed. I’m being abused. You’re the problem and if you won’t go to counseling and tell the truth I want you to leave.” Day one of no longer carrying a relationship alone. Wish me luck.
I gave 22 years and had 4 kids with my ex-wife who had a very avoidant attachment style. I did many years of intense therapy and self-improvement work on my own anxious attachment style and codependency. I asked her to work on her emotional intimacy issues. She said no and filed for divorce. Broke my heart. I spent a lot of time obsessing over whether she was avoidant, had autism, was narcissistic or had OCPD . . . will never know completely. I didn't care if she was avoidant . . . I would have patiently waited for her to do that work. She didn't, and she had no drive for self-awareness or growth. Don't think I can give any energy to an avoidant person ever again.
I feel your pain. A similar situation here with only 5 years and 2 kids. I can't even imagine how shattered you are. Time will be kind to you. You will find yourself enjoying life again and living for yourself and not waiting. It will be liberating.
We were together for same time with three kids. We lost her mother to cancer after that we had approximately nine other traumas. Those included financial health scares Covid lockdowns. One of those would’ve been enough to catapult us into midlife crisis. She also suffered from depression and anxiety. There was childhood emotional neglect as well. Have you considered that your wife may be going through midlife crisis, how old is she? Did you recently lose any family members or close friends, you may want to look into that. She did not become an avoidant overnight. You guys survived all those years and had children. I’ll bet what you’re dealing with is more consistent with the midlife crisis. I would recommend reading the eight stages of a midlife crisis by heart blessing another good book for you would be divorce remedyby Michele Davis, best of luck to you. I’ll be praying for you and your family.
Only way an avoidant will change is if they feel the need to. And many times, they don’t think it’s them. We all know they need the work.. but they don’t see it. 😢. Been there as a former avoidant myself.
I think expectations about the relationship and a full commitment are usually expected six months in, not one to three years in. That’s a huge waste of time if someone hangs in that long without commitment or clarification.
I'd say six months for a relationship and anything deeper like talks of moving in or marriage after a couple of years. But in the meantime definitely having discussions on whether you're on the same trajectory. If you want marriage and kids you'll definitely be wasting your time with someone who is still "figuring it out."
An avoidant that's not going to therapy and actively aware of their tendencies will always leave you eventually. It doesn't matter how much the anxious attacher works on themselves and caters to the avoidants every need and boundary, this is the harsh lesson I had to learn after 4 years of giving everything into a relationship.
@@jm1835 even if they go to therapy the chances are still very high they would leave you. There are lots of first hand experiences on reddit, I strongly advise anyone who has the slightest hopes their avoidant partner will change overnight, or in 1-2 years read them and get a better perspective what they are stepping into
Everything starts with the avoidant being aware of things (a lot of their behavior is unsubconsciously/a coping mechanism) and the willingness to work on themself/wanting to grow. I'm anxious attacher and I'm working on myself and I learned all about the fearful avoidant attachment style from my partner. Somehow he became responsive to wanting to work with me on making our relationship grow (instead of fighting against me) and to me passing on my knowledge about our attachment style and being more understanding towards him. His avoidant side almost completely disapeared in a very short time. We both still need to work on our anxious side. But this side is less hurtful and more caring, considerate and empathetic. And my anxiousness got worse due to his avoidant side. The positive changes are making our relationship more stable and secure. I have hope for our future together...
It is better to move on, if you are able to. Avoidants are not as bad as narcissists but not much better either. (And yeah, narcissism stems from childhood trauma too.. it's not our job to fix toxic people.)
I'm a secure and he is an avoidant. First time I told him I loved him he spent 3 whole days without talking to me. Regardless being secure on my feelings, it's really confusing and I many times think about just giving up... I love him to bits, but... it's been 2 years and he still calls me his "friend." He has said he loves me a handful of times, but immediately took that back. It's like loving me hurts him... maybe I should go ahead and leave so he can be at peace?
Do you think you're secure with a secondary insecure attachment style? I'm asking because secure people generally wouldn't stay in this type of dynamic not getting their needs met. They are comfortable speaking their mind regularly and can look at a situation and see that it isn't for them and move on. You've stuck around for 2 years while he calls you a "friend". I'm genuinely curious because I've done this, but I was a fearful avoidant. Now that I did the work to become more secure, this type of situation is unacceptable and I will leave the second I sense it not going anywhere.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life hello! Thank you for taking the time to answer. You are absolutely right, my original baseline is anxious/preocupied and I tend to regress into that on occasion, and now I see where I failed to express myself. It's not that I have stayed regardless of my feelings, or not having my needs met or communicated. Of course there are things I'd like to see changing for the better, including our relationship status, but that's not the factor I wanted to fixate on. I've mentioned that more to illustrate a bit how he's been fairing in our dynamic than to say that bothers me. I've stayed because I see the progress, I see him trying so so hard, but I also see him struggling, and my question and confusion comes from this place: of loving him to the core of my being, but many times wondering whether our relationship has been hurting him. One of these days he said (and I'll try my best to translate his texts, as English is not our first language): "I think about you nearly all of the time. When I don't, I'm either working or sleeping. And I don't know why that is; if it's because I like you, your intelligence, if I admire you, I love you, or because you nurture my interests. I want to do my own things, but end up checking the phone all the time to see if you texted me. Whenever I don't answer, I feel like I'm not treating you as a priority. Sometimes I get myself choosing to be with you instead of doing other stuff, and that's exhausting. I don't think this is doing me any good, this is not how I want to feel.". I keep reassuring him he can take his time, but he takes any messages as a request for an immediate answer, he chooses to spend time with me then somewhat resents me afterwards. While I am the happiest for having him in my life and made the choice to try and see this through instead of looking for someone else, does this feeling extend to him? He is an adult man and I have to take his words for what they are, and that doesn't sound like happiness to me.
@@divinacaotarot thank you for sharing that. It can be very confusing. I've been in a very similar situation, and I think your intuition is correct on all fronts. It actually sounds like he might have a secondary fear avoidant attachment along with his dismissive attachment. It seems he cares about you and thinks about you all day, but that scares him. As a healing FA leaning secure, this has been my experience as well. I was with my "friend" DA/FA on and off since 2021. We did actually have a labeled relationship somewhere in the middle of it all until I left after he refused to work through an issue with me. I took a year after joining PDS to heal myself and finally agreed to see him again. He was showing extra love and being extremely vulnerable and then started slowly fading. Mind you, he hasn't dated anyone else in the few years and has gifts I made him in the past displayed in his new apartment. I know he loves me. But, I had to make the decision to stop this in its tracks before I got too deep in. At least in the past he's been more consistent and wouldn't go more than a day or two without reaching out...usually every day. He's WAY more distant than he's ever been and part of me thinks it's similar to your situation where the strong feelings are literally hurting him too much and the other part says either way, I've had enough. It doesn't make me feel good anymore and I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness for someone else. It's sad because we've been friends for over 20 years. I just can no longer be there for him and wait patiently. He has too much healing to do and I have come too far to allow him to disrupt all the work I've done on myself. That was loooong!! LOL I just wanted to give you an insight that might be relatable.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life come on! I can only thank you for sharing... besides, I've put you through a lot more reading. Your situation hit home in many ways and I'm truly sorry you had to make the choice to step out and take care of yourself, but it was the right choice to make. Here's wishing you a steady pace onto your self-development journey and may you find love both inside and outside of yourself.
My DA said he doesn’t feel the same due to disconnect but also doesn’t want to break up. He said he understands he needs to heal he does watch a few videos and then goes into a shell.
I really love this format of video because it draws things up that wouldn't necessarily come up in a prescripted video. This video was very informative. I'd like to see lots more like this. I am FA, mostly secure now, but I can see residual issues ongoing with my attachment style. I am a homeowner with roommates, and I struggle to just say simple things like, "The rent is due. Please pay it." I'm literally afraid that if I ask people to do what they should, they will abandon me because that is what happened in my childhood. It makes things super uncomfortable and awkward. I can't say, "Hey, rent is Due, let's talk." because the fear side of my brain tells me, "If you do this, they will leave, and everything will be on you!" I can't afford for everything to be on me currently. It's horrifying! I want to be brave and say, "Pay up or get out!", but I can't afford my home on my own. Do you have anything that can help me? If not, that's okay, I'm really used to figuring things out on my own. I was raised that way.
@@johnathanloyd2847 if the rent issue is an actual problem, I wouldn't be doing monthly reminders. I would have a meeting and nip it all in the bud in one moment. "Hey guys I just want to talk about when rent is due. It needs to be paid by the 1st, not after. I don't have the money to cover it and wait for your share so I need it before the 1st. How can we make this a smoother process so I don't have to even think about it when the 1st rolls around?" That's just for rent, but I find just being honest helps. It's not easy so I get it. Recently I took a road trip with some friends and I drive right around the speed limit and stay a few car lengths away when it's me driving. However, my friend drove this time and she likes to go 20 miles over the speed limit and ride super close to the car in front of her so if there's a sudden stop, she has to pound on her breaks and almost rear ends them. I said nothing on the drive in, just sat in anxiety. I did make a few comments but nothing direct. On the way home I finally directly asked her if she could slow down like 10 to 15 mph because it's giving me anxiety and when I did, she started laughing as well as another passenger who told me to just "close my eyes". I told her I tried that, but closing my eyes won't stop an accident happening because she needs to speed and ride up people's ass. I said it's unnecessary and we're not in a rush so why do it? So yes, it sucks speaking up for yourself...esp when the outcome could very well be negative. But it's always best to speak your mind regardless of the consequences.
I go ten toes in. Pretty much right off the bat. If spending a lot of time with them early on and you just know they are one of a kind and fit in your lifestyle and seem like a normal nice person. Then go ten toes in. Move in after a month etc etc etc. Then if they show you they are not who they said they would be, then they are one of those people who is fake for while until the mask falls off and you can leave. Otherwise call it what it is, it’s just a situationship so you can be with someone and not be alone.
It’s really clear how the feelings of insecurity make someone welded to inappropriate thinking styles. “I can’t say I love you because I’m waiting for the perfect person” is such a bundle of massive dysfunction it is remarkable. Dating and waiting and hoping for a “perfect person” IS DEEPLY avoidant. There is NO SUCH THING as a “perfect person” that you fantasise about. You need to CREATE perfection WITH someone you may be afraid to say I love you to. But only brave people feel the fear and do it anyway. … it’s cowardly not to. …
Don't give up. My fearfull avoidant learned that no one is perfect (neither is he or me). He's still working on his insecurities about himself, but he never doubts me, my love, my intentions and the relationship anymore. He doesn't expect me to be perfect and he even tells me that he loves me for the person that I am. Yesterday he told me that because of my love he's starting to love himself too. It made me cry...
I think I must be thankful for his anxious side. His avoidant side almost completely disapeared. And his anxious side is showing a more sensitive, caring person...
29:00 Also important to note that for APs, this "I can't be what you need of me" can be very real and based in reality. Because the AP is genuinely trying to help the other person but to their own detriment, no? So in this case the AP may need to spend some time in a communicated break period, which is totally fine because it's communicated and open and based not on punishing the other person, but rather on getting personal space for oneself and reflecting on thoughts rather than immediately acting on them. I believe Krishnamurti (I'm hearing this from second-hand) said something about "When you are confused, choose not to act." and I believe the idea there was to instead engage in thought, reflection, healing, growth, or what have you. So I do believe that there's an important, no, crucial distinction there. I know you said something shortly after about "But avoidants need to realize that these needs are totally normal!" or whatever. But I think that it's also important for Anxious Preoccupied attachers to realize that just because you choose to take a controlled, communicated break, does not mean that you are an avoidant! Or that you are acting too rashly! A break is a break!
I still cannot wrap my head around how everybody expects somebody else to change their Love Languages to fit their needs. It makes far more sense to me to accept love from somebody the way they know how to show love if somebody's showing you love by buying gifts except that don't tell them that that's not the right way to love you yes you like physical touch, if the other person does not like physical touch it seems to me you're not compatible so don't ask them to change the way they show love so you can be happy because what that is doing is masking it is pretending if I am acting a certain role in order to meet somebody else's needs while not paying attention to my own is also very self neglectful I cannot stand the saying he is not loving me in the way that I need I can't stand that it's awful is he loving you
I agree. It comes off as unnatural. I don't want to have to tell someone that I need more words of affirmation. If they don't do that, then it's going to feel awkward for both of us. I think a big issue is that people pick the person they want, even if they are emotionally unavailable, and try to make them into what they are looking for instead of accepting them for who they are. You have to look at the compatibility over the person, not the other way around.
Honestly I suspect attachment style is easier to change/fix than love language. Over a long term relationship, it should become easier to feel secure with your partner, vs it becoming harder to keep up a set of behaviors that don't reflect your feelings. And I say this relating to the original question, frustrated with where my partner is re my need for physical touch. It is no fun to keep mentioning it, and I'm finding that it just gets more difficult over time.
Exactly! I don't understand why we as a society believe all relationships are supposed to work out no matter what. Go through the courting faze and you should know whether or not these things match up, if they dont....move on. Dont tell the other person that they are not good enough for your needs and to step it up. Its not that they are not good enough, its not that they arent doing enough, its only that they do it differently than you like. They are perfect for someone else, bet!v@MilesIncognito
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life You are taking all the feeling out of it and making it way to rational. Falling in love isn't logical. Someone can look great on paper and seem super compatible and yet you feel nothing for them. Someone else might not be ideal but they can compromise to some degree and you're still happier than you would be with the person who seems better on paper.
@@MadisonEstes when you're an adult, you have to rationalize love sometimes. I have said the same thing my entire life. "Just because someone looks good on paper doesn't mean we're compatible." I still believe it. The difference now after experiencing many types of relationships over the years is that having a combination of this is important. You absolutely cannot just lose yourself in someone because "love" then hope they will compromise later. It's irresponsible to stay with someone for the sole purpose of feelings and hope for the best. Again, I've done this my whole life and it never ended well. I have been in personal development school for over a year to heal that side of me. We're not living in The Notebook. Not everyone you fall in love with wants to compromise.
yea, when someone does something nice for someone else like say my coworker and s/he says "i love you" --really shouldn't be saying stuff like that unless that person wants to marry me
I think everyone's got problems, not just them. Us Sitting here pointing fingers at those folks shows we've got issues too. Maybe we need to check ourselves too. As far as I see it, they didn't bring those troubles on themselves. We should be calling out the parents who caused those traumas in them.
I was an avoidant. I eventually opened up only to have my partner betray, lie, cheat and continually screw me over. The exact thing I was avoiding. Back to being an avoidant. Very very dissapointing and very very sad, but this is exactly the reason why avoidants are like this. Heart break is trauma.
it happens to everyone not only avoidants, sonpls dont think avoidants dont deserve love or unlovable..even secure and anxious people experience betrayals and heartbreaks. based on my exp with an avoidant, it was the opposite, she broke my heart. she was indecisive, hot and cold, in and out, says one thing then changes.. i tried to be there and understand when i suggested healthy boundaries and suggestion to improve our connection she lashed out and all the traumas and baggages from her exs and pain were projected towards me. she broke up and went with another avoidant. now im fixing myself with psychologist.
@reneehaynes8289 but it's different because they are aviidant and avoidants are professional victims! My boyfriend played victim with his last relationship because she cheated and that's what ended things but at the very beginning of their relationship he cheated on her online and admitted this to me because I caught him doing the same thing to me! But boohoo he caught his ex sleeping with someone years later. Then cheats on me 7 months after that.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool it would be great if you’d do a video about cultural differences. I suspect my girlfriend is a DA, but she is also from Africa and needs a lot of freedom to the extent she seems like to follow her own agenda which makes it very difficult to plan time together. I don’t mind when she’s late when we have an appointment, but her not showing up at all or changing appointments onesidedly can be very frustrating. She told me that this would be normal in her culture, which I find hard to accept or believe to the extent she is showing it. I also experienced her having trust issues. And there were a few times she told me she is ashamed about some personal issues which she finds difficult to share with me. She also said she has a personal pride which makes it hard for her to apologize. When we were together we’re having a great time. But to me the amount of times this happens feels like breadcrumbing. And I really mean breadcrumbing. Summarized: I find it difficult to differentiate between DA traits and cultural aspects in this situation. So I would love it when you do a topic about that. Wish you all the best with your wonderful work.
Hi, Am African and would love to know how it's going so far. Which country is she from? Am curious because am from Kenya and in Kenya people are more open to express their love unlike other more conservative African countries.
@@monicawanjiku5699 thank you for your reply. She’s Ethiopian (Oromo), but also has been living in Kenia for a long time. Up till this moment she is ghosting me for 3 months already, and I haven’t got a clue why. A week before it she still said she missed me. I don’t get any response from messages I send and she didn’t pick up the phone when I tried to call her. She even didn’t want to say if she was maybe afraid to tell me she wanted break up with me (which is easier for me to handle than the insecurity I’m living with now). After my latest messages I went no contact for over a month and am asking myself now whether I should just give up or not. Which is quite difficult btw because the love we had felt so genuine. Even on a spiritual level.
Thais if you ever need a Pre- Occupied anxious style on your show, I’m your guy. I was 100% secure all my Life till my wife wanted a separation in year 3 of our marriage ( she is an FA) it turned me to a Anxious attachment style w/only her for the next 12 years till we ended our marriage this year
@@user-ml8dm9fz6l we are talking about avoidants. Who constantly avoid communication, or if forced usually go only too shallow into the problem. They should first fix themselves, otherwise the tango is doomed to a tragic end with a traumatized partner.
My wife once said she wanted to make our relationship better and have sex. I thought she was talking about our sex life. What she really meant I found out 12 years later was that she wanted me not to be so loud when I’d vent to her about work or things that upset me (none of which were her). How was I supposed know she was wanting me to not vent so loudly as being loud scared her because of a ex boyfriend that yelled at her and was abusive. She never told me about him or her trauma with him. But how was I supposed to know what she was talking about when I didn’t know venting triggered her and she wanted to have sex to make venting better and how is someone supposed to mind read and how does sex solve the venting issue if she didn’t once say venting triggered her from her ex that abused her that she didn’t tell me about. DA and FA’s need to say what they mean
@@markcafebrown2883 Many women need to be confronted with "melodramatic gentleness" when you bring stuff up to them. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
Is a relationship reset same as needing space ? That’s what my DA suggested . After I Caught him lying to me about seeing other women again . He believe being upfront and honest cause more harm . 😢those were his exact words. I can tell when he distance . I will ask is everything ok he would say yes and be lying we even talked about his lies and he said moving forward he will be honest . and look where we are I snapped because he was dismissing my needs and caught him lying again . Ughhh 😢 he said he didn’t like my behavior. Sir I just caught you lying again !!!
that's like saying was writing this story but now i have writers block. i need to reset my story writing abilities and decide whether or not i want to go this route or start over... does that sound like i just need a vacation from writing, maybe time away will help me write again? no, don't think so.
For a DA and anxious type…Who’s needs come first in conflict resolution? I’ve always felt the need to minimize my emotions to make room for an expressive anxious type. Feeling there’s no space to express in fear of being told I’m invalidating feelings, I pull away to make space for myself. I’ve communicated needs, and talked about solutions mutually beneficially. However, when needing the anxious to show up for me, there’s no space for my emotions then get accused of being anti commitment. How do you problem solve when I’m willing to meet their needs and not have mine met? To note, this has been with multiple anxious women over the years.
Tell them that your emotions matter just as much as theirs. Your anxious partner should be able to hear your concerns in the same way you hear hers. Who goes first shouldn’t matter. Somebody has to start the conversation then you switch and address your concerns. It should be like a dance. If they are unwilling, then you end the conversation until they are willing to hear & validate your concerns. After discussing each of your concerns you make an agreement to work on whatever y’all talked about; this should be a negotiation of sorts. Then you kiss, make up then repeat the steps above when the next conflict comes up
@@BeYouTFully Thanks for the reply. Your suggestions have been ideally how we’ve discussed doing things. In conversation of how we’d like to conflict resolve, it’s been great. However, when she’s triggered. It’s red. I try and bring her back down but it doesn’t work because issues that we’ve discussed before come back up as root issues. The who comes first question comes from being out of suggestions. I take a step back and tend to her emotional needs but my needs don’t get met by her, I have to resolve them on my own which is unfair at times. So whether I secure her needs in those moments, she hears my concerns but filters them through her narrative of triggers that this cycle produces. It’s been draining to be labeled as anti relationship when that’s what I’d like but can only do so in safety.
@@doch5061 what has helped me in the past, with the asking and in balance of needs, is to clearly express how important it is - we can sometimes request our needs and it’s received in a forceful sounding way, to really convey how important they are and to better ensure their respected, it can help to really emphasise how important they are to us, how appreciated you’d be to have them respected - calmly take her hands, look into her eyes, say I love you and this is really important to me, can we discuss this. Positive and sincere framing. My last relationship sadly ended with my DA partner and myself desperately expressing our needs when we were partially(or fully at times) deactivated, it’d almost always result in the other person considering it as offensive or pushing away… rather than a bid for a need to be supported. My DA would frequently and unfortunately find the courage to express her needs when triggered, so any debate or consideration of that, she’d see as conflict.
Unfortunately you just got to keep searching, any decent person worth keeping would understand and respect your perspective. Doesnt mean they will do it but bare minimum will try to compromise something without invalidating how you feel.
As an anxious girl, I would say that it's more frustrating in the long run for the DA to hide their feelings. But it can be hard for an anxious person to accept their own behaviors are problematic... really hard tbh.
My partner exhibits avoidant behaviour, however when you speak about them feeling shame; I have an issue with this. My avoidant doesn’t have shame for himself at all, it is possible he’s so insecure he hides it or am I dealing with a narcissist?
Yes it's possible that he hides it. I have a very good friend who comes off as kind of an AH, but he is low-key the most insecure human I know. Same with some prominent leaders. They come off as strong and bold but completely fall apart when they feel attacked and you can tell by how defensive they get.
These people think they have changed, they think they are 'doing the work' but they're not. They just hone their narcisisstic traits and become more manipulative. Avoid avoidants at all costs in order to avoid misery and suffering.
@@Gbb93 I mean, I don't think they are though. The narcissist is trying to draw you into drama and feed off that energy, but the DA really isn't. They genuinely do not want the drama.
Hell yea I avoid relationships, trust will never be there. I do not trust women of my generation. Younger women are worse, it's like going backwards. I can't even remember the last woman I pursued. Also late in my life, I have no desire to cater them.
Wow, you talk as if you have no understanding of Avoidants. Even though you claim to be Avoidants. You can cuddle for 5 mins, but the more you ask incrementally, all these intimate incidents build up to trigger the Avoidant. It becomes accumulated, which triggers the discard and breakup. If you really understood Avoidants, you'd know this. If Avoidants don't address their traumas and fears, no amount of time boxing helps. In fact, it sends them into flight. They lack self-esteem, so they naturally assume the worst. You 2 get a grip... professional help is what they really need. Eye gazing will send a DA over the edge, and you really should know this. That's if you 2 really were Avoidants... really doubting your claims. If you're with an Avoidant; run run fast. Let them heal first. If they won't do the work to heal, then keep running.
I still cannot wrap my head around how everybody expects somebody else to change their Love Languages to fit their needs. It makes far more sense to me to accept love from somebody the way they know how to show love if somebody's showing you love by buying gifts except that don't tell them that that's not the right way to love you yes you like physical touch, if the other person does not like physical touch it seems to me you're not compatible so don't ask them to change the way they show love so you can be happy because what that is doing is masking it is pretending if I am acting a certain role in order to meet somebody else's needs while not paying attention to my own is also very self neglectful I cannot stand the saying he is not loving me in the way that I need I can't stand that it's awful is he loving you
My avoidant partner who had a year long affair (maybe multiple) just tried to reach out to get us help. I thought “great. She wants to do the work”. Nope. She found a wellness center for ME to go to to handle my depression. I told her “I’m not depressed. I’m being abused. You’re the problem and if you won’t go to counseling and tell the truth I want you to leave.”
Day one of no longer carrying a relationship alone. Wish me luck.
How are things going now?
I'm sorry this happened to you.
@@bradconfer7065 Good for you, knowing you deserve a love that is real will be your motivation.
If you're depressed, you do need help. Sounds like you're avoiding dealing with your depression.
I wish I could be like you
I gave 22 years and had 4 kids with my ex-wife who had a very avoidant attachment style. I did many years of intense therapy and self-improvement work on my own anxious attachment style and codependency. I asked her to work on her emotional intimacy issues. She said no and filed for divorce. Broke my heart. I spent a lot of time obsessing over whether she was avoidant, had autism, was narcissistic or had OCPD . . . will never know completely. I didn't care if she was avoidant . . . I would have patiently waited for her to do that work. She didn't, and she had no drive for self-awareness or growth. Don't think I can give any energy to an avoidant person ever again.
I feel your pain. A similar situation here with only 5 years and 2 kids. I can't even imagine how shattered you are. Time will be kind to you. You will find yourself enjoying life again and living for yourself and not waiting. It will be liberating.
Can’t give what you never had👉Children learn what they live 👉you know anything about her parents/attachment or lack of?….
🦋
We were together for same time with three kids. We lost her mother to cancer after that we had approximately nine other traumas. Those included financial health scares Covid lockdowns. One of those would’ve been enough to catapult us into midlife crisis. She also suffered from depression and anxiety. There was childhood emotional neglect as well. Have you considered that your wife may be going through midlife crisis, how old is she? Did you recently lose any family members or close friends, you may want to look into that. She did not become an avoidant overnight. You guys survived all those years and had children. I’ll bet what you’re dealing with is more consistent with the midlife crisis. I would recommend reading the eight stages of a midlife crisis by heart blessing another good book for you would be divorce remedyby Michele Davis, best of luck to you. I’ll be praying for you and your family.
Sounds like my husband. It hurts as hell. He doesn't see there's anything wrong with his behaviour or attitude
Only way an avoidant will change is if they feel the need to. And many times, they don’t think it’s them. We all know they need the work.. but they don’t see it. 😢. Been there as a former avoidant myself.
Someday Ryan Gosling will need to come on the Podcast so him and Mike can talk about being lookalikes
No way, Mike is way cuter. 😂
I think expectations about the relationship and a full commitment are usually expected six months in, not one to three years in. That’s a huge waste of time if someone hangs in that long without commitment or clarification.
I'd say six months for a relationship and anything deeper like talks of moving in or marriage after a couple of years. But in the meantime definitely having discussions on whether you're on the same trajectory. If you want marriage and kids you'll definitely be wasting your time with someone who is still "figuring it out."
I think people should be communicative and talk about what works for them.
Married to a DA. Seven years in now. No home, no children and have moved all our things overseas. Now he doesnt even talk to me.
This happened at six months when there was clarification and future plans.
@@jenniferh8554 my DA proposed within weeks. I stupidly thought he was the real deal.
An avoidant that's not going to therapy and actively aware of their tendencies will always leave you eventually. It doesn't matter how much the anxious attacher works on themselves and caters to the avoidants every need and boundary, this is the harsh lesson I had to learn after 4 years of giving everything into a relationship.
@@jm1835 even if they go to therapy the chances are still very high they would leave you. There are lots of first hand experiences on reddit, I strongly advise anyone who has the slightest hopes their avoidant partner will change overnight, or in 1-2 years read them and get a better perspective what they are stepping into
Everything starts with the avoidant being aware of things (a lot of their behavior is unsubconsciously/a coping mechanism) and the willingness to work on themself/wanting to grow. I'm anxious attacher and I'm working on myself and I learned all about the fearful avoidant attachment style from my partner. Somehow he became responsive to wanting to work with me on making our relationship grow (instead of fighting against me) and to me passing on my knowledge about our attachment style and being more understanding towards him. His avoidant side almost completely disapeared in a very short time. We both still need to work on our anxious side. But this side is less hurtful and more caring, considerate and empathetic. And my anxiousness got worse due to his avoidant side. The positive changes are making our relationship more stable and secure. I have hope for our future together...
You want to repair the relationship? Leave. Spend that time on someone that will care about you.
They do care but they’re just terrible at showing it
Is this coming from a place of love or pain/fear? Is it confidence & healthy boundaries or is it avoidance?
110% this.
@@jessieprahmmiles6406, you can call it whatever you want. People who don't deal with other people's bullshit stand a chance at being happy.
@@jessieprahmmiles6406….avoidant people tend to avoid everything, especially taking responsibility and doing the work, they are best avoided
It is better to move on, if you are able to. Avoidants are not as bad as narcissists but not much better either. (And yeah, narcissism stems from childhood trauma too.. it's not our job to fix toxic people.)
The Thais Gibson Podcast is phenomenal. I just adore and appreciate Thais
Thank you for your kind comment mark :)
Your welcome! 🤗
just spare yourself the pain and not get into a relationship with an avoidant (speaking from experience)
Saw the thumbnail and for a hot second I was like "what's Ryan Reynolds doing here" 😭😭
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
No no, it’s Ryan Gosling
@@FlametoFulfillment wait rlly
@@FlametoFulfillment my bad lol
@@FlametoFulfillment Gosling is Canadian too!
I really like this format. Styles introduced within real life struggles and real practical steps to take.
I'm a secure and he is an avoidant. First time I told him I loved him he spent 3 whole days without talking to me. Regardless being secure on my feelings, it's really confusing and I many times think about just giving up... I love him to bits, but... it's been 2 years and he still calls me his "friend." He has said he loves me a handful of times, but immediately took that back. It's like loving me hurts him... maybe I should go ahead and leave so he can be at peace?
Do you think you're secure with a secondary insecure attachment style? I'm asking because secure people generally wouldn't stay in this type of dynamic not getting their needs met. They are comfortable speaking their mind regularly and can look at a situation and see that it isn't for them and move on. You've stuck around for 2 years while he calls you a "friend".
I'm genuinely curious because I've done this, but I was a fearful avoidant. Now that I did the work to become more secure, this type of situation is unacceptable and I will leave the second I sense it not going anywhere.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life hello! Thank you for taking the time to answer. You are absolutely right, my original baseline is anxious/preocupied and I tend to regress into that on occasion, and now I see where I failed to express myself. It's not that I have stayed regardless of my feelings, or not having my needs met or communicated. Of course there are things I'd like to see changing for the better, including our relationship status, but that's not the factor I wanted to fixate on. I've mentioned that more to illustrate a bit how he's been fairing in our dynamic than to say that bothers me. I've stayed because I see the progress, I see him trying so so hard, but I also see him struggling, and my question and confusion comes from this place: of loving him to the core of my being, but many times wondering whether our relationship has been hurting him. One of these days he said (and I'll try my best to translate his texts, as English is not our first language): "I think about you nearly all of the time. When I don't, I'm either working or sleeping. And I don't know why that is; if it's because I like you, your intelligence, if I admire you, I love you, or because you nurture my interests. I want to do my own things, but end up checking the phone all the time to see if you texted me. Whenever I don't answer, I feel like I'm not treating you as a priority. Sometimes I get myself choosing to be with you instead of doing other stuff, and that's exhausting. I don't think this is doing me any good, this is not how I want to feel.". I keep reassuring him he can take his time, but he takes any messages as a request for an immediate answer, he chooses to spend time with me then somewhat resents me afterwards. While I am the happiest for having him in my life and made the choice to try and see this through instead of looking for someone else, does this feeling extend to him? He is an adult man and I have to take his words for what they are, and that doesn't sound like happiness to me.
@@divinacaotarot thank you for sharing that. It can be very confusing. I've been in a very similar situation, and I think your intuition is correct on all fronts. It actually sounds like he might have a secondary fear avoidant attachment along with his dismissive attachment. It seems he cares about you and thinks about you all day, but that scares him.
As a healing FA leaning secure, this has been my experience as well. I was with my "friend" DA/FA on and off since 2021. We did actually have a labeled relationship somewhere in the middle of it all until I left after he refused to work through an issue with me. I took a year after joining PDS to heal myself and finally agreed to see him again. He was showing extra love and being extremely vulnerable and then started slowly fading. Mind you, he hasn't dated anyone else in the few years and has gifts I made him in the past displayed in his new apartment. I know he loves me. But, I had to make the decision to stop this in its tracks before I got too deep in. At least in the past he's been more consistent and wouldn't go more than a day or two without reaching out...usually every day. He's WAY more distant than he's ever been and part of me thinks it's similar to your situation where the strong feelings are literally hurting him too much and the other part says either way, I've had enough. It doesn't make me feel good anymore and I'm not willing to sacrifice my happiness for someone else. It's sad because we've been friends for over 20 years. I just can no longer be there for him and wait patiently. He has too much healing to do and I have come too far to allow him to disrupt all the work I've done on myself.
That was loooong!! LOL I just wanted to give you an insight that might be relatable.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life come on! I can only thank you for sharing... besides, I've put you through a lot more reading. Your situation hit home in many ways and I'm truly sorry you had to make the choice to step out and take care of yourself, but it was the right choice to make. Here's wishing you a steady pace onto your self-development journey and may you find love both inside and outside of yourself.
Yes, leave🦋
My DA said he doesn’t feel the same due to disconnect but also doesn’t want to break up. He said he understands he needs to heal he does watch a few videos and then goes into a shell.
I really love this format of video because it draws things up that wouldn't necessarily come up in a prescripted video. This video was very informative. I'd like to see lots more like this.
I am FA, mostly secure now, but I can see residual issues ongoing with my attachment style. I am a homeowner with roommates, and I struggle to just say simple things like, "The rent is due. Please pay it." I'm literally afraid that if I ask people to do what they should, they will abandon me because that is what happened in my childhood. It makes things super uncomfortable and awkward. I can't say, "Hey, rent is Due, let's talk." because the fear side of my brain tells me, "If you do this, they will leave, and everything will be on you!" I can't afford for everything to be on me currently. It's horrifying! I want to be brave and say, "Pay up or get out!", but I can't afford my home on my own. Do you have anything that can help me? If not, that's okay, I'm really used to figuring things out on my own. I was raised that way.
I know what that feels like. We will both work through things with PDS. Keep the faith
@@ColleenBarlow I'm about to go to bed right now, but I would like to talk later if you're interested?
@@johnathanloyd2847 if the rent issue is an actual problem, I wouldn't be doing monthly reminders. I would have a meeting and nip it all in the bud in one moment. "Hey guys I just want to talk about when rent is due. It needs to be paid by the 1st, not after. I don't have the money to cover it and wait for your share so I need it before the 1st. How can we make this a smoother process so I don't have to even think about it when the 1st rolls around?"
That's just for rent, but I find just being honest helps. It's not easy so I get it.
Recently I took a road trip with some friends and I drive right around the speed limit and stay a few car lengths away when it's me driving. However, my friend drove this time and she likes to go 20 miles over the speed limit and ride super close to the car in front of her so if there's a sudden stop, she has to pound on her breaks and almost rear ends them. I said nothing on the drive in, just sat in anxiety. I did make a few comments but nothing direct. On the way home I finally directly asked her if she could slow down like 10 to 15 mph because it's giving me anxiety and when I did, she started laughing as well as another passenger who told me to just "close my eyes". I told her I tried that, but closing my eyes won't stop an accident happening because she needs to speed and ride up people's ass. I said it's unnecessary and we're not in a rush so why do it?
So yes, it sucks speaking up for yourself...esp when the outcome could very well be negative. But it's always best to speak your mind regardless of the consequences.
Thank you for your vulnerable share and your kind comment :) we're glad to hear that you've found great value out of the content !
I go ten toes in. Pretty much right off the bat. If spending a lot of time with them early on and you just know they are one of a kind and fit in your lifestyle and seem like a normal nice person. Then go ten toes in. Move in after a month etc etc etc. Then if they show you they are not who they said they would be, then they are one of those people who is fake for while until the mask falls off and you can leave. Otherwise call it what it is, it’s just a situationship so you can be with someone and not be alone.
Moving in after a month is not healthy
It’s really clear how the feelings of insecurity make someone welded to inappropriate thinking styles. “I can’t say I love you because I’m waiting for the perfect person” is such a bundle of massive dysfunction it is remarkable. Dating and waiting and hoping for a “perfect person” IS DEEPLY avoidant. There is NO SUCH THING as a “perfect person” that you fantasise about. You need to CREATE perfection WITH someone you may be afraid to say I love you to. But only brave people feel the fear and do it anyway. … it’s cowardly not to. …
Don't give up. My fearfull avoidant learned that no one is perfect (neither is he or me). He's still working on his insecurities about himself, but he never doubts me, my love, my intentions and the relationship anymore. He doesn't expect me to be perfect and he even tells me that he loves me for the person that I am. Yesterday he told me that because of my love he's starting to love himself too. It made me cry...
I think I must be thankful for his anxious side. His avoidant side almost completely disapeared. And his anxious side is showing a more sensitive, caring person...
I loved the intro to this with everyone lovingly saying your name.
29:00
Also important to note that for APs, this "I can't be what you need of me" can be very real and based in reality. Because the AP is genuinely trying to help the other person but to their own detriment, no? So in this case the AP may need to spend some time in a communicated break period, which is totally fine because it's communicated and open and based not on punishing the other person, but rather on getting personal space for oneself and reflecting on thoughts rather than immediately acting on them. I believe Krishnamurti (I'm hearing this from second-hand) said something about "When you are confused, choose not to act." and I believe the idea there was to instead engage in thought, reflection, healing, growth, or what have you. So I do believe that there's an important, no, crucial distinction there. I know you said something shortly after about "But avoidants need to realize that these needs are totally normal!" or whatever. But I think that it's also important for Anxious Preoccupied attachers to realize that just because you choose to take a controlled, communicated break, does not mean that you are an avoidant! Or that you are acting too rashly! A break is a break!
Don’t know if anyone will see this. But curious if it’s appropriate to ask someone if they know their attachment style in the early stages of dating?
I still cannot wrap my head around how everybody expects somebody else to change their Love Languages to fit their needs. It makes far more sense to me to accept love from somebody the way they know how to show love if somebody's showing you love by buying gifts except that don't tell them that that's not the right way to love you yes you like physical touch, if the other person does not like physical touch it seems to me you're not compatible so don't ask them to change the way they show love so you can be happy because what that is doing is masking it is pretending if I am acting a certain role in order to meet somebody else's needs while not paying attention to my own is also very self neglectful I cannot stand the saying he is not loving me in the way that I need I can't stand that it's awful is he loving you
I agree. It comes off as unnatural. I don't want to have to tell someone that I need more words of affirmation. If they don't do that, then it's going to feel awkward for both of us. I think a big issue is that people pick the person they want, even if they are emotionally unavailable, and try to make them into what they are looking for instead of accepting them for who they are. You have to look at the compatibility over the person, not the other way around.
Honestly I suspect attachment style is easier to change/fix than love language. Over a long term relationship, it should become easier to feel secure with your partner, vs it becoming harder to keep up a set of behaviors that don't reflect your feelings.
And I say this relating to the original question, frustrated with where my partner is re my need for physical touch. It is no fun to keep mentioning it, and I'm finding that it just gets more difficult over time.
Exactly! I don't understand why we as a society believe all relationships are supposed to work out no matter what. Go through the courting faze and you should know whether or not these things match up, if they dont....move on. Dont tell the other person that they are not good enough for your needs and to step it up. Its not that they are not good enough, its not that they arent doing enough, its only that they do it differently than you like. They are perfect for someone else, bet!v@MilesIncognito
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life You are taking all the feeling out of it and making it way to rational. Falling in love isn't logical. Someone can look great on paper and seem super compatible and yet you feel nothing for them. Someone else might not be ideal but they can compromise to some degree and you're still happier than you would be with the person who seems better on paper.
@@MadisonEstes when you're an adult, you have to rationalize love sometimes. I have said the same thing my entire life. "Just because someone looks good on paper doesn't mean we're compatible." I still believe it. The difference now after experiencing many types of relationships over the years is that having a combination of this is important. You absolutely cannot just lose yourself in someone because "love" then hope they will compromise later. It's irresponsible to stay with someone for the sole purpose of feelings and hope for the best. Again, I've done this my whole life and it never ended well. I have been in personal development school for over a year to heal that side of me. We're not living in The Notebook. Not everyone you fall in love with wants to compromise.
I disagree on the "I love you" bit. If you think you "love" every person you're with or throw it around like a greeting, it's meaningless.
yea, when someone does something nice for someone else like say my coworker and s/he says "i love you" --really shouldn't be saying stuff like that unless that person wants to marry me
@@user-ml8dm9fz6l maybe not maryy, but actually Feel that.
I think everyone's got problems, not just them. Us Sitting here pointing fingers at those folks shows we've got issues too. Maybe we need to check ourselves too. As far as I see it, they didn't bring those troubles on themselves. We should be calling out the parents who caused those traumas in them.
this!
can you even stay friends??? To be dismissed is not pleasant. Tere no arguments, but after questioning infidelity-Blocked1
I was an avoidant. I eventually opened up only to have my partner betray, lie, cheat and continually screw me over. The exact thing I was avoiding. Back to being an avoidant. Very very dissapointing and very very sad, but this is exactly the reason why avoidants are like this. Heart break is trauma.
That happens to everyone. Not just avoidants. It's also not an excuse or justification to be avoidant.
@dannz1
Don’t give up.
Don’t allow yourself to stop growing.
it happens to everyone not only avoidants, sonpls dont think avoidants dont deserve love or unlovable..even secure and anxious people experience betrayals and heartbreaks.
based on my exp with an avoidant, it was the opposite, she broke my heart. she was indecisive, hot and cold, in and out, says one thing then changes.. i tried to be there and understand when i suggested healthy boundaries and suggestion to improve our connection she lashed out and all the traumas and baggages from her exs and pain were projected towards me. she broke up and went with another avoidant.
now im fixing myself with psychologist.
@reneehaynes8289 but it's different because they are aviidant and avoidants are professional victims! My boyfriend played victim with his last relationship because she cheated and that's what ended things but at the very beginning of their relationship he cheated on her online and admitted this to me because I caught him doing the same thing to me! But boohoo he caught his ex sleeping with someone years later. Then cheats on me 7 months after that.
Listen to every episode… So please tell Mike it’s “taking things personally” and not “personal” 😂.
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool it would be great if you’d do a video about cultural differences.
I suspect my girlfriend is a DA, but she is also from Africa and needs a lot of freedom to the extent she seems like to follow her own agenda which makes it very difficult to plan time together. I don’t mind when she’s late when we have an appointment, but her not showing up at all or changing appointments onesidedly can be very frustrating. She told me that this would be normal in her culture, which I find hard to accept or believe to the extent she is showing it.
I also experienced her having trust issues. And there were a few times she told me she is ashamed about some personal issues which she finds difficult to share with me. She also said she has a personal pride which makes it hard for her to apologize.
When we were together we’re having a great time. But to me the amount of times this happens feels like breadcrumbing. And I really mean breadcrumbing.
Summarized: I find it difficult to differentiate between DA traits and cultural aspects in this situation. So I would love it when you do a topic about that.
Wish you all the best with your wonderful work.
Hi, Am African and would love to know how it's going so far.
Which country is she from?
Am curious because am from Kenya and in Kenya people are more open to express their love unlike other more conservative African countries.
@@monicawanjiku5699 thank you for your reply. She’s Ethiopian (Oromo), but also has been living in Kenia for a long time.
Up till this moment she is ghosting me for 3 months already, and I haven’t got a clue why. A week before it she still said she missed me.
I don’t get any response from messages I send and she didn’t pick up the phone when I tried to call her.
She even didn’t want to say if she was maybe afraid to tell me she wanted break up with me (which is easier for me to handle than the insecurity I’m living with now).
After my latest messages I went no contact for over a month and am asking myself now whether I should just give up or not. Which is quite difficult btw because the love we had felt so genuine. Even on a spiritual level.
Thais if you ever need a Pre- Occupied anxious style on your show, I’m your guy. I was 100% secure all my
Life till my wife wanted a separation in year 3 of our marriage ( she is an FA) it turned me to a Anxious attachment style w/only her for the next 12 years till we ended our marriage this year
Can men become FA as adults from traumatic adult relationships ?
I think I've gone from AA to FA from 5 really abusive and traumatic adult relationships
My ex did. @@wizardofaus2985
They are the ones who should repair the relationship!!!
it takes 2 to tango. both are at fault
@@user-ml8dm9fz6l we are talking about avoidants. Who constantly avoid communication, or if forced usually go only too shallow into the problem. They should first fix themselves, otherwise the tango is doomed to a tragic end with a traumatized partner.
My wife once said she wanted to make our relationship better and have sex. I thought she was talking about our sex life. What she really meant I found out 12 years later was that she wanted me not to be so loud when I’d vent to her about work or things that upset me (none of which were her). How was I supposed know she was wanting me to not vent so loudly as being loud scared her because of a ex boyfriend that yelled at her and was abusive. She never told me about him or her trauma with him. But how was I supposed to know what she was talking about when I didn’t know venting triggered her and she wanted to have sex to make venting better and how is someone supposed to mind read and how does sex solve the venting issue if she didn’t once say venting triggered her from her ex that abused her that she didn’t tell me about. DA and FA’s need to say what they mean
Sex might take some of the steam out of your explanation and make it come across less aggressive
It’s not aggressive it truth
@@markcafebrown2883 Many women need to be confronted with "melodramatic gentleness" when you bring stuff up to them. It's not what you say, it's how you say it.
It's been almost 40 years for me, I don't think that still works
Is a relationship reset same as needing space ? That’s what my DA suggested . After I Caught him lying to me about seeing other women again . He believe being upfront and honest cause more harm . 😢those were his exact words. I can tell when he distance . I will ask is everything ok he would say yes and be lying we even talked about his lies and he said moving forward he will be honest . and look where we are I snapped because he was dismissing my needs and caught him lying again . Ughhh 😢 he said he didn’t like my behavior. Sir I just caught you lying again !!!
that's like saying was writing this story but now i have writers block. i need to reset my story writing abilities and decide whether or not i want to go this route or start over... does that sound like i just need a vacation from writing, maybe time away will help me write again? no, don't think so.
For a DA and anxious type…Who’s needs come first in conflict resolution? I’ve always felt the need to minimize my emotions to make room for an expressive anxious type. Feeling there’s no space to express in fear of being told I’m invalidating feelings, I pull away to make space for myself.
I’ve communicated needs, and talked about solutions mutually beneficially. However, when needing the anxious to show up for me, there’s no space for my emotions then get accused of being anti commitment.
How do you problem solve when I’m willing to meet their needs and not have mine met? To note, this has been with multiple anxious women over the years.
Tell them that your emotions matter just as much as theirs. Your anxious partner should be able to hear your concerns in the same way you hear hers. Who goes first shouldn’t matter. Somebody has to start the conversation then you switch and address your concerns. It should be like a dance. If they are unwilling, then you end the conversation until they are willing to hear & validate your concerns. After discussing each of your concerns you make an agreement to work on whatever y’all talked about; this should be a negotiation of sorts. Then you kiss, make up then repeat the steps above when the next conflict comes up
@@BeYouTFully Thanks for the reply. Your suggestions have been ideally how we’ve discussed doing things. In conversation of how we’d like to conflict resolve, it’s been great. However, when she’s triggered. It’s red. I try and bring her back down but it doesn’t work because issues that we’ve discussed before come back up as root issues. The who comes first question comes from being out of suggestions. I take a step back and tend to her emotional needs but my needs don’t get met by her, I have to resolve them on my own which is unfair at times. So whether I secure her needs in those moments, she hears my concerns but filters them through her narrative of triggers that this cycle produces. It’s been draining to be labeled as anti relationship when that’s what I’d like but can only do so in safety.
@@doch5061 what has helped me in the past, with the asking and in balance of needs, is to clearly express how important it is - we can sometimes request our needs and it’s received in a forceful sounding way, to really convey how important they are and to better ensure their respected, it can help to really emphasise how important they are to us, how appreciated you’d be to have them respected - calmly take her hands, look into her eyes, say I love you and this is really important to me, can we discuss this. Positive and sincere framing.
My last relationship sadly ended with my DA partner and myself desperately expressing our needs when we were partially(or fully at times) deactivated, it’d almost always result in the other person considering it as offensive or pushing away… rather than a bid for a need to be supported. My DA would frequently and unfortunately find the courage to express her needs when triggered, so any debate or consideration of that, she’d see as conflict.
Unfortunately you just got to keep searching, any decent person worth keeping would understand and respect your perspective. Doesnt mean they will do it but bare minimum will try to compromise something without invalidating how you feel.
As an anxious girl, I would say that it's more frustrating in the long run for the DA to hide their feelings. But it can be hard for an anxious person to accept their own behaviors are problematic... really hard tbh.
Wife tells me she told me issues a thousand times. And I'm not sure she ever told me. The this part of the DA profile?
You answered my question perfectly 👏🏻
Idk if they have been married for a long time and I’ve never been but my folks are and it’s not 50/50 if you wanna stay married for life imo
My partner exhibits avoidant behaviour, however when you speak about them feeling shame; I have an issue with this. My avoidant doesn’t have shame for himself at all, it is possible he’s so insecure he hides it or am I dealing with a narcissist?
Yes it's possible that he hides it. I have a very good friend who comes off as kind of an AH, but he is low-key the most insecure human I know. Same with some prominent leaders. They come off as strong and bold but completely fall apart when they feel attacked and you can tell by how defensive they get.
He may not realize he feels shame. Many people don't recognize that they are shaming themselves internally.
@@Fresh_Baked_Bread_Is_Life this is a good point, he is incredibly defensive. Thanks for this.
@@jessieprahmmiles6406 yeah I think also society makes a lot of men feel like they can’t feel like they’re failing or falling apart because it’s weak
Can you do a video on having children with a female avoidant?
Who is Tais Gibson? Never heard of
Is this clinical treatment, when you voice recovery from being a DA?
5 mins Mike…..?!? LMAO 😂
These people think they have changed, they think they are 'doing the work' but they're not. They just hone their narcisisstic traits and become more manipulative. Avoid avoidants at all costs in order to avoid misery and suffering.
Why do you guys not talk about marriage ever???
Because I guess marriage isn't on the table
How to repair? DON'T
Is this the sound bowl guy?
It can’t be fixed when it’s a trait from a narcissist.
sure, the narcissists are indeed terrible. but don't lump DAs in with the narcs.
@@MilesIncognitothey’re very similar
@@Gbb93 I mean, I don't think they are though. The narcissist is trying to draw you into drama and feed off that energy, but the DA really isn't. They genuinely do not want the drama.
@@MilesIncognitothe same drama happens whether it's wanted or not so for the victim it still feels the same.
Run away from avoidant. They are worthless!!!
Can you speak a little bit slower?
❤❤❤❤
Oh, you're in such contradiction with what actual therapists say when it comes to third section.
You're contradicting yourself
💎💎💎
Those eyebrows are beginning to make me question your grasp on reality.
Hell yea I avoid relationships, trust will never be there. I do not trust women of my generation. Younger women are worse, it's like going backwards. I can't even remember the last woman I pursued. Also late in my life, I have no desire to cater them.
Most annoying guy ive seen in a long yime. Was he high during this?
He is a fine specimen of an avoidant attachment style :) His emotional reasoning is on the level of a 12-year-old
Wow, you talk as if you have no understanding of Avoidants. Even though you claim to be Avoidants.
You can cuddle for 5 mins, but the more you ask incrementally, all these intimate incidents build up to trigger the Avoidant. It becomes accumulated, which triggers the discard and breakup. If you really understood Avoidants, you'd know this.
If Avoidants don't address their traumas and fears, no amount of time boxing helps. In fact, it sends them into flight. They lack self-esteem, so they naturally assume the worst. You 2 get a grip... professional help is what they really need.
Eye gazing will send a DA over the edge, and you really should know this. That's if you 2 really were Avoidants... really doubting your claims.
If you're with an Avoidant; run run fast. Let them heal first. If they won't do the work to heal, then keep running.
I still cannot wrap my head around how everybody expects somebody else to change their Love Languages to fit their needs. It makes far more sense to me to accept love from somebody the way they know how to show love if somebody's showing you love by buying gifts except that don't tell them that that's not the right way to love you yes you like physical touch, if the other person does not like physical touch it seems to me you're not compatible so don't ask them to change the way they show love so you can be happy because what that is doing is masking it is pretending if I am acting a certain role in order to meet somebody else's needs while not paying attention to my own is also very self neglectful I cannot stand the saying he is not loving me in the way that I need I can't stand that it's awful is he loving you