We're Attracted to: 1. Repressed Traits 2. Familiarity 3. Unmet Needs DAs: 1. Emotional Support (unaware of their emotions) 2. Warmth and Care (cold) 3. Selflessness, Thoughtfulness, Consideration (selfish) Solution: Build these traits up in Yourself or you'll resent them.
Former Disorganized Attacher here. I’ve been securely attached for 6 years and while I still have times where I feel an old pattern or behavior creeping in, I have the tools to remind myself that that isn’t me anymore. I don’t bolt from relationships after being all in, now I express how I feel and how I’d like things to go. I also listen (super important) and negotiate with my partner so that both of our needs can be reasonably, mostly, met. Those that my partner cannot fulfill I delegate out to friends, family, or simply meet them myself. I believe all healthy people function in this way. I’ve also tried to make amends with most of the people I’ve hurt when I didn’t know a better way. Some forgive, some don’t, and I understand and appreciate the perspectives of both. But ultimately I’ve forgiven myself.
I am On my way to secure for once, and my partner is as well. At times we are very scared but we give each other confidence to do a trustfall each time we get scared and we learn to express our needs and wants. We trust that we won't leave...and that is a biggie.... Kinda proud of us.... (He doesn't know anything about this,so for him it's even more brave, He does It All by himself via me and his desire to be with me) . Not easy at all but so worth it so far.
Avoidants always look for this in relationships: a completely perfect partner who never complains when they stonewall, breadcrumb, disappear for days, give non-committal answers to any question, do not initiate sex and monkey-branch.
Translating to DA language: a partner who gives them time to think about changes before getting an answer, is self-sufficient (doesn't need entertaining all the time, doesn't dump on them), communicates clearly in a matter of fact way, does not stress about imaginary and trivial things, likes hugs without sexual pressure, is okay with companionable silence. No need to monkey-branch if you have a partner like that. I got lucky.
I'm a recovering DA and, of course, an dating a AP. I keep asking him how he feels about things and getting to get to know him deeper and isn't it interesting that he's actually emotionally unavailable, too! I think he's so used to being focused on others that he has no idea what he thinks and feels. We're working on it though. He's a kind guy. 😊
Listen. The day anxious attachers stop externalizing their insecure behaviors as a reaction to avoidant attachers ' insecure behaviors... And take stock of what triggers their insecurities internally... And give grace to avoidants ... The new earth lol
I take my responsibility. My husband was loving and caring. He said I LOVE YOU first and was very presente. We met very young and have been together for 30 years. I came with a lot of childhood trauma ( people pleasing, low self-steem, emotional dependency, controlling behavior). I'm still working on myself. He became avoidante with me to protect himself from my craziness. We're still happy, but he became more distant. Recently I found more deep wounds about myself and have been on a beautiful journey of self healing. The best part is noticing my dear loving husband is still in there and starting to come out again as I clean myself of my toxic load.❤ God is great and I feel blessed by Him for finding your channel. Thank you. ❤
#3 is the biggest quality I look for in people because it's so rare. Sure lots of people can ask about your day, give you attention, even offer you things, but their generosity is conditional. They have a scoreboard in the back of their mind. Selflessness is so much more than generosity. When these are mistaken, you get the result Thais described, where my "maturity" you once admired is now "coldness". What attracts me most is someone truly happy and confident who can be there for others without keeping score. I look for this in friendships, coworkers, pretty much everything.
I keep getting the impression that half of the people in the comment section have dealt with narcissists,antisocial, mean, borderline, or psychopathic people, and keep confusing it with avoidant attachment style. If someone is mean to you, treats you like garbage and demeans you, you are not with an avoidant, you are with an a-hole and a terrible person.
I am so glad I found this channel so that I could heal my own attachment and attract securely attached people. But during the process it became increasingly clear to me that I didn't heal my own insecure attachment just to waste the rest of my life in relationships with insecurely attached people. These videos are a reminder of what I had to heal and a warning of what to run from. I suffered years already expending one-sided effort into these types. I reserve my energy for people that reciprocate now. The only time I deal with them is if I'm stuck transacting with them in business or commerce.
Been dating a DA for over two years- the most painful experience that I’ve ever had since he is constantly selfish, fickle, & noncommittal. We stay together because I bend over backwards in our relationship. Recently, I’ve been pulling away from him and toying with the idea of ending this black hole of a relationship. I’ve been nurturing, safe, noncritical, selfless, gong him space, & been present for him. What have I gotten in return? Nothing!
Let me add something In any type of commitment whether it's a relationship or friendship or parent child bond or something like studying daily for an exam it requires some basic values to be followed. Without values there is no commitment and without commitment there is no discipline and without discipline there is no real positive outcome. I understand there are different personality types and different attachment styles. So some values are difficult to be followed by some types rather than others but it is not an excuse for not having required values for the commitment at hand . So if you are not up to the commitment please don't commit in the first place without fulfilling required values because it's not only about you but there are other people getting hurt in the process trusting you that you are up to the task . Everyone needs to self check that whether I have what it takes and if your answer is no then please learn, work on yourself and then when you know that you are ready go for the commitment .
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
So my avoident can't even call her my ex.. so I found out about all this attachment stuff and told her about because you know throwing over there love to do with it. How about she takes all the information and starts applying it so she can build a relationship with someone else....
If your partner has no empathy for you, for instance, I fall down the stairs and against the wall and the ladder that is there and it falls and splits my head open and instead of being like "oh my gosh honey are you ok?" They start yelling at you for what an ass you are for making so much noise and being dramatic, would that be narcissistic instead of avoidant?
Definitely narcissistic or at the very least someone that is very cruel! I don't know enough to be able to tell if they're avoidant, but that is horrible. I'm sorry.
This could be hard to hear but take some time to really understand what I’m saying. In plain language, they do not like you. Picture two characters in a story-one likes the other, and the other does not like the one. The one falls and splits their head open…what would you imagine the other would respond to the one? Perhaps exactly as you just described. But you’ll have to like yourself enough to detach from the other who makes it clear how they feel about you. It will get confusing when they deny the truth and tell you otherwise, but remember that their response comes from the panic over loosing the benefits and convenience of you. Direct the energy that you are trying to pour into cup full of holes and shift it into your own whole cup and see the transformation unfold on its own.
I gave my all to the avoidant and she still ran. Doesn’t matter if they are drawn to you at first, they will still hurt you in the end. Just run from them, not worth the pain. They are terrible people.
Sometimes you may see the beauty in people that lies deeper than the surface. I'm puzzled myself sometimes why I'm drawn to different individuals. Currently I find myself interested in a girl who displays some distant behavior (likely FA or DA) like she's keeping a wall up, but at the same time she can be quite social from time to time. Still it feels like she's slightly uncomfortable being truly vulnerable, as I am too. Perhaps there's a wanting to resolve things inside of yourself, that get projected to other individuals. Like wanting to love the part that feels abandoned and unloved, and in need of affection and appreciation. But these are just some thoughts. I doubt that there's a simple explanation for attraction, but sometimes it can be about underlying trauma within yourself, that you need to wake up to perhaps. From what I've understood, part of it is your subconscious that is used to "insecure" relationship patterns, driven by some core-beliefs.
Haha yep!! Later on, my ex can’t handle my supportiveness and said it it’s too much unnecessary emotion and doesn’t know how to response to my supportive messages and she doesn’t feel that I’m close to her because my expression of appreciation is completely unneeded in a close relationship. I could have dailed it down but she pulled away, wouldn’t communicate these issues and then eventually decided to break up after processing things by herself. Didn’t give me a say in things. She said she simply needed freedom and pursuing her own interests. She’s unwilling to recognize her DA attachment style. 🤦♂️
Sounds like you were too in the feminine which turned her off. She was def banging someone else at the end there, or at least had someone new in mind. It’s a tricky balance..
The only question is, will you ever be able to build a deep and close bond for the rest of your life with an avoidant? I cant imagine a relationship or even marriage, where you are always beeing held an arm length...
People can change their attachment style, sometimes it happens following some sort of trauma or realisation, but it is possible. I have been with one for 25 years (without really knowing this was THE problem), he got worse with time and he is now doing a lot of work to get closer to a secure attachment.
you are right, but the girl i loved wich hurt me, isnt even those much years old 😂 So i think with time when you get wiser you might be aware, but when you are very young i see most people not changing
WAY too many sales pitches. Get SO sick of them not coming back. If your content is good all you need is ONE pitch at the end. I think you really know your stuff but not worth wading through all your hype and sales
Unfortunately for me, I have these 3 traits, so obviously she abruptly stopped dating me without ever telling me (slow faded away) and jumped into a relationship with some bum. I'm not made for this.
It's easy to just blame and judge the avoidantes. God knows what maybe they go through with their partners traumas as well . We can only judge them if we are the perfect partner, and, who is?
We're Attracted to:
1. Repressed Traits
2. Familiarity
3. Unmet Needs
DAs:
1. Emotional Support (unaware of their emotions)
2. Warmth and Care (cold)
3. Selflessness, Thoughtfulness, Consideration (selfish)
Solution: Build these traits up in Yourself or you'll resent them.
Former Disorganized Attacher here. I’ve been securely attached for 6 years and while I still have times where I feel an old pattern or behavior creeping in, I have the tools to remind myself that that isn’t me anymore. I don’t bolt from relationships after being all in, now I express how I feel and how I’d like things to go. I also listen (super important) and negotiate with my partner so that both of our needs can be reasonably, mostly, met. Those that my partner cannot fulfill I delegate out to friends, family, or simply meet them myself. I believe all healthy people function in this way. I’ve also tried to make amends with most of the people I’ve hurt when I didn’t know a better way. Some forgive, some don’t, and I understand and appreciate the perspectives of both. But ultimately I’ve forgiven myself.
I am On my way to secure for once, and my partner is as well.
At times we are very scared but we give each other confidence to do a trustfall each time we get scared and we learn to express our needs and wants.
We trust that we won't leave...and that is a biggie.... Kinda proud of us.... (He doesn't know anything about this,so for him it's even more brave, He does It All by himself via me and his desire to be with me) .
Not easy at all but so worth it so far.
@@grabbeltongreat share! What's your attachment styles?
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant They said at the beginning of the post. Disorganized = fearful avoidant.
👏😊
@@airbearcares93 thanks but I was asking the first commenter not OP. 😊
Avoidants always look for this in relationships: a completely perfect partner who never complains when they stonewall, breadcrumb, disappear for days, give non-committal answers to any question, do not initiate sex and monkey-branch.
What's monkey branch and why not initiate sex
Translating to DA language: a partner who gives them time to think about changes before getting an answer, is self-sufficient (doesn't need entertaining all the time, doesn't dump on them), communicates clearly in a matter of fact way, does not stress about imaginary and trivial things, likes hugs without sexual pressure, is okay with companionable silence.
No need to monkey-branch if you have a partner like that. I got lucky.
Thank you for sharing your perspective. It's important to discuss the different needs and behaviours in relationships.
Sooo true!!
💯
I'm a recovering DA and, of course, an dating a AP. I keep asking him how he feels about things and getting to get to know him deeper and isn't it interesting that he's actually emotionally unavailable, too! I think he's so used to being focused on others that he has no idea what he thinks and feels. We're working on it though. He's a kind guy. 😊
Listen. The day anxious attachers stop externalizing their insecure behaviors as a reaction to avoidant attachers ' insecure behaviors... And take stock of what triggers their insecurities internally... And give grace to avoidants ... The new earth lol
I take my responsibility.
My husband was loving and caring. He said I LOVE YOU first and was very presente.
We met very young and have been together for 30 years. I came with a lot of childhood trauma ( people pleasing, low self-steem, emotional dependency, controlling behavior).
I'm still working on myself.
He became avoidante with me to protect himself from my craziness. We're still happy, but he became more distant.
Recently I found more deep wounds about myself and have been on a beautiful journey of self healing. The best part is noticing my dear loving husband is still in there and starting to come out again as I clean myself of my toxic load.❤
God is great and I feel blessed by Him for finding your channel.
Thank you. ❤
#3 is the biggest quality I look for in people because it's so rare. Sure lots of people can ask about your day, give you attention, even offer you things, but their generosity is conditional. They have a scoreboard in the back of their mind. Selflessness is so much more than generosity. When these are mistaken, you get the result Thais described, where my "maturity" you once admired is now "coldness". What attracts me most is someone truly happy and confident who can be there for others without keeping score. I look for this in friendships, coworkers, pretty much everything.
The scorecard gets developed as life goes on and you’re victimized, and taken advantage of, by selfish and narcissistic people
@bulldog1080p hello again, dandanut
@@sethtenrec yes indeed that's often how it starts. someone has to break the cycle.
@bulldog1080p have a hard time comprehending clear as day words or something? Normal people read this just fine.
@@WrittenMysteries ya these nice little things some do come with a price. That shit gets thrown right back in ur face. Agree 💯
I keep getting the impression that half of the people in the comment section have dealt with narcissists,antisocial, mean, borderline, or psychopathic people, and keep confusing it with avoidant attachment style. If someone is mean to you, treats you like garbage and demeans you, you are not with an avoidant, you are with an a-hole and a terrible person.
This!
Yeah I'm getting that feeling too lmfao
I am so glad I found this channel so that I could heal my own attachment and attract securely attached people. But during the process it became increasingly clear to me that I didn't heal my own insecure attachment just to waste the rest of my life in relationships with insecurely attached people. These videos are a reminder of what I had to heal and a warning of what to run from. I suffered years already expending one-sided effort into these types. I reserve my energy for people that reciprocate now. The only time I deal with them is if I'm stuck transacting with them in business or commerce.
Number 2 is my biggest one. Considering that it's so rare it makes it all the more valuable. Great video!
Glad you found value in the video! It's always insightful to hear what resonates with others.
Been dating a DA for over two years- the most painful experience that I’ve ever had since he is constantly selfish, fickle, & noncommittal. We stay together because I bend over backwards in our relationship. Recently, I’ve been pulling away from him and toying with the idea of ending this black hole of a relationship. I’ve been nurturing, safe, noncritical, selfless, gong him space, & been present for him. What have I gotten in return? Nothing!
2years is a long time to be draining yourself. I left after 3months. I told him its give and take. You get no return on your investment...
I love all the subtitles that you explained in this video. You’ve got thorough understanding of this topic 👏🏻
What are the 4th and the 5th traits? Did I miss them?
You didn't miss them. She forgot to mention them.
Probably just a typo, title says 3 traits now.
Let me add something
In any type of commitment whether it's a relationship or friendship or parent child bond or something like studying daily for an exam it requires some basic values to be followed.
Without values there is no commitment and without commitment there is no discipline and without discipline there is no real positive outcome.
I understand there are different personality types and different attachment styles.
So some values are difficult to be followed by some types rather than others but it is not an excuse for not having required values for the commitment at hand .
So if you are not up to the commitment please don't commit in the first place without fulfilling required values because it's not only about you but there are other people getting hurt in the process trusting you that you are up to the task .
Everyone needs to self check that whether I have what it takes and if your answer is no then please learn, work on yourself and then when you know that you are ready go for the commitment .
This entire conversation i cant help but notice the bottom corner of the shelf isnt at a perfect 90°. Do I have OCD?
Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.
It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counsellor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.
Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive
Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤
So my avoident can't even call her my ex.. so I found out about all this attachment stuff and told her about because you know throwing over there love to do with it. How about she takes all the information and starts applying it so she can build a relationship with someone else....
If your partner has no empathy for you, for instance, I fall down the stairs and against the wall and the ladder that is there and it falls and splits my head open and instead of being like "oh my gosh honey are you ok?" They start yelling at you for what an ass you are for making so much noise and being dramatic, would that be narcissistic instead of avoidant?
Definitely narcissistic or at the very least someone that is very cruel! I don't know enough to be able to tell if they're avoidant, but that is horrible. I'm sorry.
@@The_Whimsical_Avoidant thanks for your reply.
This could be hard to hear but take some time to really understand what I’m saying. In plain language, they do not like you. Picture two characters in a story-one likes the other, and the other does not like the one. The one falls and splits their head open…what would you imagine the other would respond to the one? Perhaps exactly as you just described. But you’ll have to like yourself enough to detach from the other who makes it clear how they feel about you. It will get confusing when they deny the truth and tell you otherwise, but remember that their response comes from the panic over loosing the benefits and convenience of you. Direct the energy that you are trying to pour into cup full of holes and shift it into your own whole cup and see the transformation unfold on its own.
I gave my all to the avoidant and she still ran. Doesn’t matter if they are drawn to you at first, they will still hurt you in the end. Just run from them, not worth the pain. They are terrible people.
Not terrible people, just injured.
Why would you be trying to connect with someone who seems a little “distant and detached”? Wrong move from the jump
because it's a new stepdad or in-law who joined the family? because it's a new boos? because it's a foster child? these skills aren't just for dating.
Because someone who can be a little bit distant can be the most wonderful person you will ever meet... .
Sometimes you may see the beauty in people that lies deeper than the surface. I'm puzzled myself sometimes why I'm drawn to different individuals. Currently I find myself interested in a girl who displays some distant behavior (likely FA or DA) like she's keeping a wall up, but at the same time she can be quite social from time to time.
Still it feels like she's slightly uncomfortable being truly vulnerable, as I am too.
Perhaps there's a wanting to resolve things inside of yourself, that get projected to other individuals. Like wanting to love the part that feels abandoned and unloved, and in need of affection and appreciation.
But these are just some thoughts. I doubt that there's a simple explanation for attraction, but sometimes it can be about underlying trauma within yourself, that you need to wake up to perhaps. From what I've understood, part of it is your subconscious that is used to "insecure" relationship patterns, driven by some core-beliefs.
@@era1442 great real answer thank you.
@@grabbeltonHa..what???
How do you get past that point when the traits that attracted you start to feel smothering?
She mentioned that you need to integrate those traits and basically become more securely attached
I know this sounds awful but does playing hard to get ever work 😩 can you do a video on this!?
Haha yep!! Later on, my ex can’t handle my supportiveness and said it it’s too much unnecessary emotion and doesn’t know how to response to my supportive messages and she doesn’t feel that I’m close to her because my expression of appreciation is completely unneeded in a close relationship. I could have dailed it down but she pulled away, wouldn’t communicate these issues and then eventually decided to break up after processing things by herself. Didn’t give me a say in things. She said she simply needed freedom and pursuing her own interests. She’s unwilling to recognize her DA attachment style. 🤦♂️
Sounds like you were too in the feminine which turned her off. She was def banging someone else at the end there, or at least had someone new in mind. It’s a tricky balance..
The only question is, will you ever be able to build a deep and close bond for the rest of your life with an avoidant? I cant imagine a relationship or even marriage, where you are always beeing held an arm length...
People can change their attachment style, sometimes it happens following some sort of trauma or realisation, but it is possible. I have been with one for 25 years (without really knowing this was THE problem), he got worse with time and he is now doing a lot of work to get closer to a secure attachment.
you are right, but the girl i loved wich hurt me, isnt even those much years old 😂 So i think with time when you get wiser you might be aware, but when you are very young i see most people not changing
If you don't require a super close connection yourself... If you like space and self containment, perhaps
What?
It's literally the complete opposite lol aou act like this with them and they leave you asap
Will he talk to me again in life if he told me he wants nothing to do with me ?
I love us. 😊
WAY too many sales pitches. Get SO sick of them not coming back. If your content is good all you need is ONE pitch at the end. I think you really know your stuff but not worth wading through all your hype and sales
As always, avoid avoidants. Save yourself the grief and date a functioning human being instead.
Seriously, she talks a lot just to be able to create enough long content for ads
You speak too quick 😢😢😢
Nah.
You can adjust the playback speed to suit your listening needs
Unfortunately for me, I have these 3 traits, so obviously she abruptly stopped dating me without ever telling me (slow faded away) and jumped into a relationship with some bum.
I'm not made for this.
It's easy to just blame and judge the avoidantes. God knows what maybe they go through with their partners traumas as well .
We can only judge them if we are the perfect partner, and, who is?