What happens during no contact in the head of an avoidant
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- Опубликовано: 24 июл 2024
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I pray all avoidants feel so lonely they have no choice but to (God forbid) have an uncomfortable conversation. It's just part of being an adult, if they carry on the rest of their lives like that they are going to be alone forever aren't they? Maybe this realisation will cause them to grow a backbone and do the right thing
I kinda think that the only way to "help" DAs is to refuse to date them, until they realise they have no other choice than change and become more secure. Anxious people have also to work on themselves, and secure people can do 5% of the work to understand their needs, but DAs have to do 95% of the job.
It is not acceptable to promote a 'new normal' in which, among many other things, commitment or discussions are not on the table, as well as balanced exchanges - DAs often behave as if they were in a child/caregiver one-way type of relationship.
@darlingnikki869 Agreed, if everyone cut off DA's as soon as they starting acting out DA's would no longer exist as they would have to change if they ever wanted to experience intimacy. It is our enabling of it that allows the behaviour to continue. Getting into an argument with them is pointless as they are just defensive and anything you say is 'too intense' and they'll just stonewall you. Leave them to suffer in silence, they'll eventually realise what they are doing and then they MIGHT stop doing it if they are lonely enough.
Or they just move on to the next victim.
maybe it’s apart of nature and it breeds more secure ppl
They themselves are abusers
Hurt people, hurt others. They don't realize the damage they do to good people. Don't get in a relationship with one unless they're working on themselves.
No contact is not a strategy to get them back. It's a strategy for you to move on more easily, and find other possibilities out there.
Drop them. If they walk away leave them be. . Don't break no contact.. They don't change unless they go through intensive therapy. Get on with your life. They bring nothing but more confusion and more pain to your life...
I find this whole Avoidant thing tremendously depressing. All sounds hopeless to me.
It sounds that way cuz it is.
Agree
Yeah, it usually is. All you can do is move on and run the next time you meet one
I was never anxious until I met this guy.
Another thing, the first yesr we were together he was obsessed with me, seeing me 7 days a week, texting all day every day, flowers everything. After thst first year that all stopped. I had gotten used to that then all of a sudden it's gone so I questioned it. Made me insecure. We fought about it . constantly.
It was a crazy dynamic. He would pull away and is chase off and on for months.
Now he said he doesn't want a relationship at all. The first year he wanted it all, talked about a future, holidays, loving together....then it all stopped.
My once confident secure self was shattered and I became insecure and anxious attached. Never been this way before.
Sameeee!!! So much so I even became volatile and reactive. It was bad. I've never encountered someone like this and it shattered me. Yet, they're living their life as If nothing happened. Finished fire academy while I'm in therapy trying to get pieces of myself back
Same here. Took me a year and counseling to figure out. I'm better now tho scarred.
@@tranitataylor4284 I became reactive too. Then blamed for my poor reaction. Big hugs
@@rl3293 big hugs
@@kristiemcinnes304 ❤️
This is a really sticky situation. On one hand, you go no contact because it's clearly what the avoidant needs, their space and independence, but then if it actually works and they do come back, you realize that they are going to continue to be dismissive of your needs and take space and independence in the relationship at the expense of your needs, right? I've had this exact cycle play out in my life. Never again. By all means, give your avoidant all the space, independence, and time that they need, but tread very carefully before truly accepting them back into your heart. You need to have tough conversations and vulnerability on both sides as you talk through what issues cause the break up the first time and how behaviors and communication will be different this time to address those problems, and then there needs to be accountability. If you don't, history WILL repeat itself.
Avoidants will contact u if they care about u after a breakup. If not, then they don't.
Trying to figure out these people is an utter WASTE of time and energy. Life is short… find someone who is capable of loving you back.
Agreed
Thinking exactly the same😅
Avoidant people are not bad, but they should definitely date other avoidant people. Because it sounds like even avoidant person keeps going after an anxious person is the punish the anxious or secure person for what the parent of avoidant did to the avoidant.
Exactly there needs to be a dating app for avoidants so they can all get together and cheat on each other and leave when they want and it shouldn’t bother them because they’re all the same
There would be no glue to hold 2 avoidants together
@@stefs1155 and no one cares....
Avoidants are usually unattractive and always unsatisfying to each other
They need help from Rocky.
Leave them alone. Deal with your feelings w/o looking for them to corregulate w you. If you show intimacy it will increase their fears.( They feel they are better off doing things alone).
After 2 months of no contact and no sign of reconcilliation, I asked her to pay back my money. She did and after that blocked me forever. No regrets. Avoidants should check in to nursing homes and stay there forever.
I'm cheering for this comment
The first time I told my ex-avoidant that I loved him and that I fell in love with him, he immediately replied he did not want commitment. I broke up the same day but I thought he would apologize later or something. Nothing. I blocked him on WhatsApp after 3 weeks of radio silence. I FEEL FREE. I guess he just did not love me. However, he pursued me for months. He bought me flowers, called me everyday, etc. I do not feel motivated to have him back in my life. He broke my heart.
They live in fantasy/delusion. When the princess become a real person they loose interest. Nothing you can do, it is his fault.
He will hoover not YOU but the princess again and the cycle starts again :)))
@@NMTDelightfulMusic I love the way you describe the avoidant's delusion. So on point. I am not doing it on purpose, but since I (the real person) have decided to move on with my life, I am officially the princess again. It is so sad. I know he is in pain, but unfortunately the princess feels terribly lazy to start the cycle again.
@@nardaone Yes, they can not get out of their delusion but you can. Wish you all the best!
Kudos to you though. You acted very securely. He didn't give you what you wanted so you left. Congrats on putting yourself first.
@@Starmatthewuk They get dopamine from the chase. Once they got you you are not interested anymore ( predator - prey ).
Their brain ( narcissist as well ) is not build as normal brain. They are totally different species :)))
My DA who I was talking to for 4 months ghosted me out of nowhere. No fights, no disagreements, nothing. He just disappeared on me. It was traumatizing and terrible for me as an AP. I never felt more devalued and disposable in my life. I lost weight, lost sleep, started having panic and anxiety attacks. All I asked for in the beginning was communication and transparency. I made it clear that it's okay to tell me at any point if he doesn't want to proceed or isn't feeling it (and we would continue to remain friends and if he didn't want that either, I would be okay with ceasing comms altogether). :'( I felt like I was carrying so much of the emotional weight and was always the one asking the questions and trying to get the show on the road. I wonder if he ever really even cared about me at this point. I'm 6 weeks into No Contact and I don't plan on breaking it. If he reaches out, I won't be rude to him and I'll reply but I'm 95% sure he won't do that. Not even to apologize. He's not a bad guy but he doesn't realize the devastation he's going to leave in his wake if he continues to treat girls like this.
Their brain is deficient. Where human program should be there are big holes (look MRI scans). Consider him a reptile, nothing like us. You can think of them as narcissist - lots of similarities. Listen to Sam Vaknin videos. You are high on a scale of humanity they are lowest low. They are Pinocchio who wish he understand humans, but never will. They can not communicate as they are not self aware ( as I said missing that part of the brain), just mirror you. Just for amusement out of boredom.
They do not love themselves that is why they can not give love to you. They are vast emptiness and that's it. No human soul, you don't loose anything. They are complete lunatics :))) Go your marry way, forget him but first get knowledge. They are not worth dirt below your shoes.
Work on YOUR self esteem. Nobody can give you that... Best Luck!
Yes. These people leave a wake of emotional devastation throughout their life, whether they intend to or not.
I am in the same exact situation and it's so tough. Took all the color out of my world if that makes any sense? We dated for months and planned to move in together, he sent me flowers, etc. He just ghosted after I got back from a trip. I know one-thousand percent he is a good soul and a good person. He is a genuine person and a sweetheart - treated me and everyone else so kindly. A gentle, introverted person. I guess their fears and wounds just take over and they run after being vulnerable or falling too deep. Sending you love and much healing ❤
They seem to take confident people because they love their energy and charisma but the overtime make they insecurities alot bigger and the act like your anxious and clingy 😂 they've did it to you or atleast massively made your insecurities worse..
thanks! having dismissive avoidant partner sucks
What I do not like about these videos is ...its always about get yourself more secure then she will be less avoidant and become more secure in kind..its just not true...being secure means exactly what?
Allow her to do whatever secretive evasive disrespectful behaviours she wants too..and you remain stoic secure and silent..sorry..thats horseshit..being secure isn't about allowing an avoidant to treat you like shit and being secure enough to not say a word that might trigger there pull away ..so when there posting on IG..half nKed pics..or taking there phone in the bathroom for hours..or not returning your text for hours or days...you should just be secure enough to shut up and let her do her thing..please..nothing gets resolved without letting them know you are not happy with there behaviours if they don't want to work on there disorder get rid of them ...avoudants have a built in support group in these therapists..they can pull away go have affairs and it's all covered under the DA..bad kid core wounds excuse..its a perfect cover for exploring new people when they want ..they trigger you into triggering them and off they go....ghost you out for weeks or months ..you think there off dealing with core wounds fears about intimacy and vulnerability..but there naked In somebody else's bed having orgasms....then when he's done her a few dozen times ..and dumps her she pops up like a turtle out of the shell ..usually saying it was your fault she had to go process her feelings..uh huh..
These people are for recreational use only not for meaningful love relationships.
There variety lovers ..get bored easily...and like to play the shell game...dont believe you have a genuine loving person who's just messed up from childhood...they know exactly how they are hurting you ..exactly how they are letting you down
Not making effort..discarding you..taking you for granted they don't care...they like the anxious attached because you are the least likely to leave for good...
That’s not what secure attachment is or means. It doesn’t mean a lack of boundaries, repression of needs/emotions, lack of communication, hyper-independence nor codependency. Having a secure attachment is for YOU. And only you. It puts your butt back in the driver’s seat of your life and emotional state. Having a secure attachment IS the best way to make it work with an insecure attachment style, but it’s not foolproof or guaranteed that the insecure person will stay - some people are just too unconscious and allow their patterns to run their lives. But you don’t have to be a victim to the behaviors of others or external circumstances. You get to be in control of you. And that’s empowering when one realizes this. ❤
Well said exactly what I'd say. I'm only noticing this push pull cycle. She sabotaged it twice, Blocked me then went to see if she could get someone else. That didn't pan out so she unblocked me n gave me the "I love you always will come over & talk. (I fell for it) cos I loved n cared for her. Then I put a story on fb saying I didn't lose feelings. I just realised you didn't want me so I walked away. She posted out PRIVATE conversation on her wall like wtf emotional immaturity. Been in No contact for a week now still blocked buy helping each n every day
i hope my avoidant ex does not contact me. we did 3 years of push and pull and I started starving him of love because he just did not get it. in the first year, I was distraught when he broke up after acting like he cared about me. in therapy, i learned how to spend more time with other people to fill my cup instead of relying on his consistencies. this would make him very angry. the more i mirrored his actions, the more belligerent he became and the more belligerent he became, the more distant i became. and now, after 3 years and 3 breakups, it feels like i am the avoidant. he just DID NOT GET IT and was not willing to get the help to make this relationship survive!
Deactivating = relationship sabotage
Unmoored vs. Dropping anchor
Circling vs. Landing
Comet vs. Moon
Yeah well my ex was emotionally cheating on me and wasn’t truthful about it. It’s funny, at the end of our relationship, she said that she was an avoidant type and I was an anxious type lol
Many of these comments come from people who just wasted 17 minutes of their lives: they didn't get absolutely anything and are just as stubborn as any DA.
Coming from a very anxious person, he was with me through all of my healing process, and right now that he's the one facing his problems, I can't do anything but support him and try to help him, that's what love is about. Love ain't easy, but nothing easy is worth it. I just hope I'm doing the right thing with no contact, and hopefully, the future will be brighter for both of us, either if we end up together or not.
We didn't get anything out of it because nothing was said that we already didn't know, which just confirmed the conclusion we already came to by dealing with a DA. DO NOT GASLIGHT US. We are being transparent unlike the typical DA.
Yeah I have to agree with the other commenter. This stuff only works if you have a DA who is also watching these videos and making an effort. Most of them will just discard you and move onto the next person whose life they’re going to destroy. Even if they repeatedly feel bad about it.
@@luciadozier1267the amount of vitriol, when a lot of the time people don't even realize their problem. They feel loneliness and pain just like anyone else. A lot of how they are is due to the subconscious playing out and they can't explain why it's happening, until finding helpful videos like this, only to get so much hate levelled at them in the comments. Wow. We're all on a journey and we're trying. Not everyone's parents cared; a lot of DA's had to survive narcissist abuse too. We've all been hurt but let's stop the cycle instead of making it continue
Just discovered your channel, quality stuff, thanks a lot for your work. And hi from a Frenchie to a Frenchie ;-)
Two remarks on no contact:
- DAs are generally stubborn, and are afraid to show their vulnerability, so they will not initiate. And if the partner makes the first move, the DAs sees it as 'needy'...
- If their partner has left them because of big problems, bad behaviours or 'love starvation', it is quite difficult for them to come back in a relaxed and fun way if the DA doesn't acknowledge, apologise and repair... and 'big talks" never happen with them...
Ive experienced that "big talks" are easiest on the phone with them. They create some distance and feel now secure to open up.
Telling an anxious person to try to me more secure😳 Telling a person with normal companionship needs theire unhealthily needy😳 Lets not forget that a person with an avoidant attachment style is not requiring a normal amount of companionship. They need an unhealthy amount of it, which derives from emotional neglect in childhood. So they are work for their partners who love them. The partner doesnt need to change, but the unhealthyly avoidsnt needs to get therapy. Its everyones own responsibility to heal their wounds✌️
💯
Amen
I am and have always been securely attached. My love is an avoidant. Weve been together for 2 years. The first year he "love bombed" me to the extent i thought he was obsessed with me. We lived appart, long distance and all we noticed was how similar we were. The second year we moved in together, found out all the ways in which we are different and he "love starved" me to the extent that i got anxious and cried every day. We're still together, live together, cause we know we love eachother deeply. But it was hell. The third year seems to be more balanced. As we have now finally started to know eachother. And not only what we can get or give. He feels secure and i do too♥️ Things will only get better from here on.
How did you being a more secure partner brings your avoidant partner towards security?
awww, how beautiful : )
So, how is this dynamic influenced post break-up? Because what I've found is that the dumper will often become the dismissive avoidant and the dumpée the anxiously attached, even if the situation pre break-up might have been exactly the other way around. That is, the break-up seems to create a shift in attachment styles. I've seen this in my own situation as much as in those of people I've been in contact with... Are we then to consider our post break-up partners DAs, or rather still anxiously attached?
Thank you so much for these videos. I am begging to understand my ex a lot more. How do I get in contact with you?
My da ex broke up with me six weeks ago. Now almost 3 weeks in no contact. She liked my post a picture on instagram 2 nights ago. We were suppose to move in together in June but she couldn’t go ahead with it.
I love this!
Praying i will not meet any avoidant in my life again😢
How to know IF an avoidant actually love you?? DAs seems to be doubting and questioning their love constantly, at least that’s my experience. This Regards to the chapter “They don’t care”.
😂
7:40 - how to be sure your ex is avoidant or is secure just got bored??
Totally off topic but Alexis me and you could be brothers it’s kinda creeping me out how much we look alike lol
This video just make me feel that I ruin all my chances because I did bomb text them :(
If he loves you and you go completely quiet and about your business they will return.
@@beccf.s.8012they always do… but just realize what made them leave anyway.
I’m fearful avoidant been healing & my partner is dismissive avoidant, it isn’t easy you guys so much anxiety but when you do the work you can definitely feel the changes even if they don’t comeback.. I’m currently no contact again 😅 let’s go
I'm the opposite when there's been a split & we have time apart, I don't do the anxious thing & cling on to them for dear life begging not to leave. I'm FA & lean avoidant, I find I am glad to be rid of them for a few weeks but then around 4-6 weeks is when I feel the anxious side starts to rear its ugly head, but I still don't reach out. I know my DA partner is waiting for that he's being stubborn & doesn't want to give in. We've been involved close to 3 years. With regards to asking ourselves how would a secure person deal in these situations; how do we know? We're not secure & if we knew then wouldn't we do that?
i was engaged with an avoidant and were live in partner is theres a chance to reconnect?
She unfriended me on snapchat after one week in no contact, i wrote to her twice and havent replied to me back since new years. Im still unfriended, is it over?
Listen to Couch Lee
Ok.. heres a question.. "How do I tell my DA ex to p off when I have to see him again. (disrespected me every time I showed emotion or told him something that was important to me) Nothing but love and kindness, unless at my wit's end.. I made an effort to change. oh, dont get me started on the emotional abuse to restrict my freedom.. first break up.. second break up, he told his therapist it was going nowhere.. (actually thats why he tried to restrict my freedom) third and final.. Doing the rum around in an emergency, I get ignored. we get back home and he calls me lazy for leaving something out. I was running around doing things for ME that day.. You know what he did..? Slept the whole day claiming it was depression.. (Ok, understood but NEVER call me lazy then ignore me while you go out and pretend to have a good time.) Texting Was very demanding.. Its was like teaching a 2 yr old manners..
How do you know if a dismissive loves you when they won’t/ don’t express how they feel?
They'll give you their time and respect
@@ashton1952 I had all of that and he was talking about introducing me to his mom and brother and take me to his house he grew up in. Then he blocked me because of someone else’s behavior
My avoidant (I think he is anxious) showed lots of lovely emotions, shared his vulnerabilities, his inner feelings. He always pushed for us to be together ‘where are you?’ ‘Want to go to…’ ‘miss you’ ‘love you’ ‘you’ve been quiet today’ For that reason I never guessed that he wasn’t healthy upstairs!
There was a red flag but I didn’t know- ‘my routine is important’ came up a lot but we were talking different languages. I thought he meant his swim club and morning routine making the bed 😂
His routine for him really meant space because if I wasn’t at his often he wouldn’t always do his exercise or ‘the routine’ .
😀
me snd my DA ex broke up recently and she said she still has feelings for me but she doesn’t want to be in a relationship anymore, and that the only thing she can offer is friendship
Yea that's a CLASSIC D.A line...
Meanwhile shagging someone else .. sorry move on .
Very classic line
When you know that they are like this , you can’t take them serious. I told mine I cant be friends and I like her sexually. We stopped talking for almost a month and later we talked again. She said she came back because she felt comfortable with me. They are really suffering , if I can help I will. But not my cup of tea, I have my own life struggles to deal with and I can also secure a very healthy relationship with anyone.
My wife left me for a married rich man. I made contact via whatsapp and some letters. She did respond but very vage. (un clear) After 3 months it looks like a divorce. Should i try 1 more contact or just leave her?
Nothing. They text and date others.😂😂
Very true …. I just dont take them serious ……
People who cheat are people who cheat. They could be narcissistic or simply selfish jackasses. Separate issue from dismissive avoidant attachment style
Is it wrong to ask for help especially when we really need it?
To your ex? Yes totally. That's not his role and feeling sorry for you will actually make things worse
@@AlexisFriedlander how does them feeling sorry for us make things worse? Bc that may mean we are dependent on them?
@@1286cassandra They care only about themselves. No empathy. Move on and don't look back. Not worth it :))))
So many voices here are willing to trash Avoidants. I do empathize. I do get it. I am an Avoidant who is in serious therapy and group sessions (thankfully). I would just say this. How about encouraging ourselves (all of us) to be better people? Isn't that why we're all here. seeking ways to understand behavior that is destructive and change our bad patterns to good patterns. Maybe there should be a separate channel for (you) those who want to vent and say all the vitriolic things they feel about Avoidants. Maybe get that out in a different space. For my part, I'm coming here to learn to get better, to heal. to understand how to be better. I want love. I want my ex back. What I don't want (there's enough written here) is to slog through threads of ppl just dumping on Avoidants with no added positives. I wish I as an Avoidant can take the pain away from all who have had bad experiences (which can happen even in regulated relationships as well). Is this a community that wants to heal or come out hot with flamethrowers to destroy? I don't think the hate helps you, me, or anyone searching the internet for self-improvement.
@@1286cassandrafeeling sorry for someone is like feeling obligated. If I want to be with someone I want to feel attraction not obligated... But I don't know your situation, so I can only speak for my own experience
Why do ppl keep saying no contact is for the dumpee yes it is but ppl watching these videos are ppl who are doing no contact to get the ex bck!!! Facts are facts !!!
'cause sometimes it works and they come back. Hopefully by then you're decided about what to do with the situation
I love how this video for avoidants of which he is one is about how an ‘Anxious attachment’ should work on themselves …UMMM LOL! How about the avoidant doing the work also to not be avoidant! Grow up
topic is missleading
Why?
Thank You for this video!!!!!!