I was with a DA on and off for 8 years. I found that when I gave him a lot of space and didnt give him love, he was most comfortable. What I found for myself was that I could never truly feel close to someone I was holding back with. Couldn't even truly love him. I don't know how people make it work
I'm of the opinion that a relationship with a DA only "works" when their partner is purely transactional and never bonds with them. This keeps them activated and always trying to win their love and approval. DAs are only good partners when they're put in the role of pursuer and never taken out of it. Otherwise, they leave. And that's not a healthy dynamic at all.
@@cornwallismorgan874 I was always the one who left my DA, but the pursuer part is very accurate. My ex wanted to initiate everything whether it was us getting back together to being the one who predominantly text to initiating sex. You really hit the nail on the head there. I think he needs to feel in control. Not in a controlling way, but in a way that he felt at ease being the pursuer. I'm always busy and don't reach out to many people anyway so I was fine with it, but sometimes I felt like I was far too passive and let him make all the rules for the relationship. I had to do a shit ton of healing so I stopped that nonsense. Lol
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme Yeah, and I've healed to the point that I'll leave as well if they withdraw, but that's the reader's digest version of what I've learned in dating DAs. And I'm actually okay with that as a concept, but if I can't even reciprocate, I can't work with that. Was it a boundary thing for you or was it more deferring to what you considered healthy leadership?
They do love you, it’s just that the deeper it goes the more afraid they get of being too vulnerable, dealing with more emotion and fear of not having their needs met - safe communication can sooth all that though, and trust. Attachment is on a spectrum though, something no one seems to grasp. My DA ex was very loving and wasn’t that crazy over needing her own space… until I became a bit too anxious, then she went full avoidant mode - that’s the other point, they’ll reflect what ever dynamic is in the relationship. If you express secure behaviours, DAs will lean more secure too.
I’m a secure leaning AP married to a textbook DA for 10 years. This has been the most difficult relationship I’ve ever been in. Wanted to divorce after year 2 but we got pregnant. I refused to raise a child in two households again (I have older children) so I am still here and we live in separate rooms. I treasure my relationship and daily interactions with our son, but struggle in every other aspect of home life. My advice: if you are not transactional and seek intimacy and closeness in your relationships, run when you first determine your partner is a DA.
Snap. This is my exact situation, except a year behind you at 9, and one son who we had two years in. Had therapy have worked on myself for a while. Am now secure but his behaviour triggers me and I have to fight to not ‘flight’. Having couples therapy soon but I don’t have any hope. I just don’t know what to do, if I leave it will screw my son up, if I stay it will screw my son up. It’s horrible. My son is going to ask why we are still not married soon, and I don’t know what to tell him. It’s so hard.
You know the best way to describe a DA relationship? A sometimes friends with benefits that wants something to so with you once a week or if they need you to do something. It isn't conducive of a real romantic relationship. It's like having a sometimes friend. You want to get closer, they push you away. So you'll feel so unwanted and unloved. It isn't fair to a normal person to not have a relationship that nurtures them and is reciprocal.
my ex told me after 1.5 years that she couldn't tell the difference between a close friendship/romantic relationship. This is also the point where she pulled away and intimacy diminished. She went to therapy and still broke up with me a year later because she said she fell out of love and couldn't tell the difference still. Im not sure if she actually wasn't in love anymore or just a DA.
Avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present tending to you in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or even doing mundane chores next to you. The illusion of intimacy is created without real life
I agree with all of this, but still very confused on why she ended things and if she was actually ever in love. She says she loves me, really wanted to be "in love" with me, but feels like she fell "out of love". @@SK-no2pp
Unless a DA is getting help. Leave. Learn to become secure and find another secure person. 🙏🏻 With a DA you will “long for something that is not there” and its the DA.
I found that the longer I was staying with my ex the worse I felt about my needs never being met so I started pretending that I don't need anything from anyone and disconnecting from those around me. I was basically becoming a DA myself, so I left..
That’s me right now. I think if you’re secure and you are staying with a DA, you would have to become more DA-ish because even being secure and having reasonable needs and expectations, they’re probably not going to be met and you can’t voice anything to your partner and expect a productive result lol
Painful as it was, dating a dismissive avoidant was the catalyst to healing my anxious attachment. I know there's a deep love between us, and I feel we are much more in balance since I've stepped back, healed myself, stopped chasing, and let him breathe. Is he truly a dismissive avoidant, or did my anxious attachment push him away? Whatever the outcome, I'm actually grateful for the experience to recognize I needed healing. Now I feel good about myself, and he's responding to my self-love and acceptance of him.
We’re all impacted by less than perfect parents which also make us less than perfect people. There’s so much vilifying the da in these comments and very little accountability for one’s own role in the relationship. I’ve taken a similar approach to yours and think we can all use a little more grace and empathy as we all become aware of our own destructive behaviors
It works for those of us who also have avoidant traits. I'm a FA and I used to need even more space than my DA ex did. We both were pretty clear about our boundaries and accepted it. No other attachment meets these needs for me.
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme It makes me as an FA feel safe because I don't have to ward anything off and have the sense of challenge and learning about him all the time. But I do have moments of intense longing! And because I see the needle move I really hope he will heal and be able to understand and receive love little by little and find more ways of expressing it and feeling safe. It wouldn't be any good if I was only 20 still! I wouldn't have the patience or understanding or unlimited time!But I am finding much healing for myself in the relationship and truly value it even if it remains only at friendship level, even if I would love it to be more.
@@julesD0222 actually I score mostly secure now that I've been doing the work with PDS for almost a year. There's absolutely nothing wrong with someone appreciating having space and boundaries. It's perfectly healthy. What's not healthy is being codependent and breaking your partner's boundaries hence why I would never date another anxious attachment. People should stop getting in the wrong relationships and staying in them hoping their partner will start acting the way they want and perceive as healthy when their behaviors are not healthy on their end..
@@angelam.e.richardson3501 sometimes seeing the needle move even a little is such a big win. My ex DA and I are both healing at our own pace. We've remained friends but have a lot of love and adoration for one another. I needed just as much healing as he did and I'm so grateful for that. Some people just wash their hands of avoidants yet refuse to take accountability for themselves. Avoidants are lovely to me because we just get each other...wounds and all. It doesn't mean I will end up back in a committed relationship with my ex, but he was honestly my favorite relationship and my favorite human. I think we'll always end up who we're meant to end up with. ❤️
it’s lonely being with a DA. have dated one for a year and I don’t feel any closer than I did a year ago. my advice… unless you are also an avoidant, best to just run.
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme does it matter? I think it doesn't... I mean, if you feel your emotional needs are neglected, they are being neglected, no matter what your attachment style is. And, in that case, leaving the relationship may be the best thing you can do for your own mental health.
@@Bornie1977 it absolutely matters. Once you know your attachment style, you can start healing it by doing the work, then you'll being able to fulfill your own needs and feel whole by yourself, you without relying on others to fill those needs for you. You're right. Anyone who feels lonely in a relationship should leave. I would never say any different. But if you don't look into yourself and figure out why you were in this relationship with a DA then a lot of times you just repeat the same unhealthy dating patterns. So many times people date for love and potential and stay far too long with people they're incompatible with and essentially breaking their own heart. If you heal to get secure, you won't be as enticed by staying in these types of relationships. So knowing ones attachment style is important.
I’m not sure what to take from this. I was in a relationship with the love of my life and felt very secure , as he did with me. We are not together because he died, no other reason. But with the relationship that I just got out of, I felt insecurely attached and I believe it is because he set that up for me. I’m starting to believe he was avoidant. I had originally thought narcissistic but avoidant seems more likely. He was always ready to leave if we had an argument. He always made comments intended to make me wonder. So I think our attachment style can really depend on the relationship we are in and the person we are dealing with. I’m sure it’s both what we learned as kids but also it has to be what we are given or not given as security in our relationship.
I don't understand why so many people are afraid of commitment and have fomo. Most people suck, plus sleeping around gets you diseases. Find someone hot and fun and low drama and enjoy your life and stop looking for perfection!
DA's make it impossible to love and connect with them. It truly is like pulling teeth. How about you just ditch the DA and move on someone who acts like an adult. Lol
Basically, in short: DAs are terrified of closeness and will always sabotage the relationship and push you away. But then claim to be terrified of losing you.
@@PB-md3nt if you follow Thais's videos, she's actually talked about narcissism and AP's and FA's have more narcissistic traits. That's been my experience with dating too. I've never dated a narcissistic DA, but I have dated a narcissistic AP and FA. If you're here to learn, I would suggest looking up some of her videos on it. It's pretty enlightening.
They fall in real love when you are tired of them. I pushed away him because as an Fa I reached a burnout point and I devalued him strongly in my mind. Better off alone and my value than trying to justify him. Go live you life boy.
Same. I was done after the third time. He came back but I didn't want to try again. He's rebounding and wasting another girl's time now. I feel awful for her
I had to heal my own FA traits too. I let myself be extremely passive in this relationship so I'm not putting all the blame on him. My ex is a sweetheart. Two unhealed people equal disaster if no one is doing the work.
Mine decided to block me when I finally said that I'm not interested in a texting or platonic friendship. I went NC with her for four months before she started talking to me again. This Push-Pull nonsense is all too real. I have no issues if she leaves me on block forever at this point. I'm done with this song and dance. We are supposed to cater to their needs, because they're victimized, but they have no issues treating us like Sh!t and never apologize for their childish behaviors. #AvoidtheAvoidant
Guys, no need for the B roll videos at all. These are mostly used by content creators that dont really know what they are talking about for the purposes of distraction. Definitely not needed in your case, on the contrary if feels a bit disconnecting from what Thais is sharing...
agree with this, Thais, you're incredible as a communicator and the way you articulate and gesture and the authority you express when you explain is more than enough. :)
Thais, can you do a video on how Anxious attachment fall in love next? I feel it’s very opposite of being in absence. Seems like it would be when a person is safe, reliable and present. But I would love to see what you say.
Please do a video on DA in a marriage when they shut down and how to save the relationship ir give up . How can i apply no contact if we live together? What to do when married and living together when DA deactivates. Also the DA shuts down sexually and says hurtful things to push AP wife away by saying things like I am.not attracted to you anymore...do they ever become healthy sexual partners when they become secure? I am Secure leaning AP actively working on becoming fully secure.
@kaylakayla7341 may I ask do DAs have sexual issues? I suspect there may be an issue with PE or ED which very likely is contributing to his pulling away after we had an intimate convo but I have no first-hand knowledge. Also, mine was married, now divorced, and I have wondered what went on there.
@kaylakayla7341 may I ask do DAs have sexual issues? I suspect there may be an issue with PE or ED which very likely is contributing to his pulling away after we had an intimate convo but I have no first-hand knowledge. Also, mine was married, now divorced, and I have wondered what went on there.
@@JustMeAndMyBoyDAs are likely to have issues with porn addiction, which can lead to PIED(pornography induced erectile dysfunction), but sex itself isn’t typically as issue for them because they don’t have to think or talk about their emotions during sex. It’s actually the primary way they do feel comfortable being intimate.
I wasted over a decade waiting for a DA to be ready for the relationship. I can't ever get that time back and I regret investing so much time in his potential.
Ohhh nooo. You dated others in the meantime I hope? We find out so much about a person in the first few months of dating which is why we date...to figure out if someone is the right fit. If they're not and you're continually not getting your needs met, it's up to you to leave. I literally give people 3 to 6 months and then I'm out. I absolutely refuse to waste my time. I may still love them, but from a distance.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 we dated for a while, but reconnected about 10 years later, when we realised that the attraction was still there. But that was my biggest mistake. Kept believing his assurances of "be patient, the timings not quite right". But they were just excuses in the end. I've learnt a lot from that experience.
Thank you so much, this video is very helpfull!! I love a man with a DA attachment style and it is not easy, BUT I learn so much from this connection, and step by step I am healing my own anxious attachment style, learning to love myself more and become more and more secure. I can see now we help each other to heal our inner child wounds and that's a beautiful thing. Thanks again Thais, your work is so valuable!! 💯👌🙏❤️
This dynamic is a twin flame connection. All about learning lessons and then letting go. Leave them alone for GOOD until they heal. That anxiety you feel in your stomach for them never goes away until you walk away for good.
subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship. Why is he breaking up with you every 3 weeks? You may feel like this is “true love” but love is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require open communication, a healthy give and take, reciprocity, trust, etc. “love” isn’t enough, you need many other ingredients. The twin flame theory is something to keep you stuck and unhealed.
So I should be happy that my DA decided let me go because they loved me so much rather than work out making me a priority in their life? His reason for pulling away was work/financial priorities caused by some issues with things in his life and that he realized that he could not give me what I want "right now". Oh yeah, this is after little over a year of an uncommitted "relationship". I had become so much more secure prior to this relationship, but he certainly pulled back out the anxious preoccupied attachment in me. It's only been a little over a week but I am pushing myself on focusing on me and moving forward.
@@denneciacarter My DA was a quick experience but it was fantastic but also...it broke me...this happened in 2019...I'm finally able to heal and yes be happy that they're gone. Mourn their absence but celebrate your independence...evolve and remain strong and you'll be fine 🖤
@CandyNecklace6 thank you I am doing my best. I am missing him still daily but each day is getting easier. I just need the hope that I still have in my heart to diminish.
Sounds like too much work and too much trouble I would rather just go through the break up the sadness and the missing her without spending a life time with someone who is selfish and broken .... now she's somebody else's problem I could care less these people are extremely toxic
Anything that brings up their feelings-they repress and dismiss. They ignore looking at themselves till they are ready to admit wrongs. You will know if they are a narcissist if they never think they did wrong or want to admit wrongs. If they can’t say “sorry” then that is more than dismissive, that’s narcissistic.
They're immature babies who can't deal with their own emotions and are usually incapable of feeling empathy. Don't expect them to change because they rarely do. Find someone who won't treat like you crap because you deserve better.
I love that your coverage of a DA has helped me develop a deeper understanding of the woman I love unconditionally. It has helped me heal my own anxious attachment style! I have learned to enjoy my own time feeling comfortable with the space she needs. Thank you 🙏
Good. I went no contact without blocking him as a last chance to this starting up as a relationship. I was tired of being ignored and ghosted, so I just went no contact to give us both space and time to just see how we feel about one another and if we want to move forwards or not.
Normally can't wait to watch these videos from start to finish. Couldn't get through this one. All the filler footage is too distracting. I'm looking to get knowledge here, not be entertained. Please go back to the old format. Love your videos!
Currently in month three with a DA who had a traumatic childhood and a previous abusive marrige. We went out about once/twice a week the first couple of months. Im a recovered anxiously attached person who is now secure. The dates have dropped of to one in the last three weeks. Shes very busy with work and i am too but i would like to see her more than once a month. We talk everyday on the phone and text throughout the day. From what ive read about how a DA shows you they care/love you, shes shown all of the signs. Ive given her space and support her emotionally. While i dont want us to date too often every week, once a month is too little for me. Thanks for these videos as they sre helping me navigate this. Shes a wonderful person and im trying my best to find middle ground. My problem is ive fallen in love with her so im really trying to not be too out there woth my feeling yet. I know folks will say 'run, they aren't worth it" but i think shes worth me trying. Shes seeing a therapist and has for a few years so shes trying.
I would never say run because I have a huge soft spot for DA's. What I would say is if you're planning on staying to try for the long haul, you absolutely need to consider what you want and need out of a relationship. She may never want more and you have to be prepared to accept that before you go any further. In other words, don't stay for the potential because you are risking having your heart broken. However she is now is how she might be 5 or 10 years from now. If you are okay with that then keep it going. If you are waiting for her to come around to meet your needs, you might be waiting forever. Also, I love DA's because I need just as much space as they do so I'm not criticizing them. I just know while they may sometimes compromise with healthy communication, they are pretty set in the way they want to live. I kind of come and go so it works for me but for someone looking for a serious relationship, you may not get all your needs met. ❤
subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship. Why is he breaking up with you every 3 weeks? You may feel like this is “true love” but love is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require open communication, a healthy give and take, reciprocity, trust, etc. “love” isn’t enough, you need many other ingredients
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I'm going to keep my eyes open and if it's not going to work, I will pull away. Timeframe wise, I can't say for sure how long it will be before we teach this critical point but I'm not going to wait beyond the point I know it's not working.
OMG - Thais true true true !!! This is happening to me right now. I'm alot more educated for his return this time, and I'm hoping we can work things out. I love him & want to be there to support him without neglecting my own needs. Thank you Thais - your doing a brilliant job raising awareness. As a nurse with 40 years experience I would have never had the awareness and have even been supporting 2 of my patients who are DA. They were so grateful for the awareness and I pointed them in the direction of PDS and they are doing their healing. Thank you again. 🙏🙏❤
Statistic says that DA's are the least likely to come back after a break up/distancing.Still comments are loaded with stories of them coming back over and over again. Where is the truth?
I would go with the comments. My DA has come back 5 times or so...currently possibly trying again as I write this. Lol We were close friends for years before we dated though and we have a super strong bond so not sure if that makes a difference. He feels safe with me. ❤
I have been thinking about it hard. For me it's not the absense in person that makes me fall in love. I think it is more the absence of conflict when the other person is away. This allows me to more easily focus on the positive aspects of a person.
My husband is avoidant AND narcissistic. For five years I gave him what he needed--time and space; I even gave him a safe space, knowing that his family is not emotionally there for him. But when I would tell him what my needs are, and how he can fill my love bucket, all I would get is "I don't care" or "whatever." So our marriage died.... This information is only handy if the other person is willing to change and create new habits. But a creature of comfort cannot make a relationship work if their partner is only a space-holder to ensure they're not alone.
I don't know. In theory yes, but I've seen this play out in real time and it wasn't successful. Usually one is a little more avoidant than the other and ends up either triggering some anxiety or both of them end up ghosting each other. Maybe if one was SA/DA and the other was DA that doesn't have any FA traits it could work.
@wadiwalla6852 yes and no; two DA's together pull out the anxious in the other, like a constant dance. These styles can be two sides of the same coin but where it differs is the DA hide their anxious feelings, won't talk about them and that's from being humiliated in the past. I find the Anxious style are so open to revealing and explaining their feelings and needs, it's admirable, wow to not be afraid at all, but they also like to strike at someone's vulnerability, and that's the lack of self-awareness of how they're causing pain, then it's the DA's fault for shutting down. Oops but not always. DA won't really do that, finding someone's vulnerable spot and striking at it, neither criticize. Just my thoughts; I've never actually dated an anxious person but just from hearing people's experiences and observing family members how they react and that
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithmeI agree. It seems inevitable that the relation between two people, regardless of attachment, will be and has always been bound together by this dynamic, what we are calling anxious and avoidant; and in the absence of this---say, "pure" DA-DA, which is rare in practice---there ends up being no enduring relation because of the lack of glue.
My ex was the 4th of 6 children. He loves his siblings but I wonder if he got lost in the shuffle often and not always get his emotional needs met despite having great parents
ever made promises or plans ahead with me. When his parents came to live with him for a year, they met me and had me over a few times and really liked me. The night before he pulled away, I was having the greatest time with his parents over dinner and poker. I knew his mom always wanted him to get married, and I could only imagine that his fear got activated and left the relationship all of a sudden. He texted me a few times after a month with one sentence like "How are you doing" and nothing more. I responded with "Ok thanks". After two months I ran into him on the street but he was behind me the whole time and I didn't even know until I turned. Obviously he was so avoidant that he couldn't even mustered up the courage to come up and say hello. I never anticipated that he would just cut me off like this. I gave him everything and treated him like no one else, and he was so in love with me (but obviously wouldn't say it). It's been 3 months now and I am still feeling the devastation of being left behind. I thought we'd always have a friendship to fall back to. I guess not.
Love your channel !! Thank you for the quality content. Question: I have yet to come across someone who can explain the link between DA, addiction to porn and limerence in the context of an infidelity. I must add that the affair partner responded with enthousiasm and desire to all the kinks and fetishes that the DA whished for. The result, a husband who stayed 2 years withing his lies about the affair (even though he had seen her 3 times only but had a 3 months on and off text exchanges) Added to this period, an extra 2 years of him in a solo limerence for the affair partner even though she had cut all the ties. I understand through your video that it could be that him being caught peeing in the bathtub as a child and being repremened for it, was eraised by his affaire partner accepting and loving eveyghing he could not have had accepted. I must add that he had tried with his wife but in he had brought up the requests with dominance and threats. Of course the wife could accept some but never was she able to provide him with what he experienced with his AP. I would like to know you insight on this situation. Thank youo
Definitely happens to me. I didn't know if it's just because I am idealising because I am not with the person anymore or not... But what you say resonates with me, the fears are gone, so the love can thrive
This is really helpful. I think my ex partner is DA. It's been 8 months. At the 6 month mark there were multiple incidents of indirect communication that was bizarre. They haven't initiated anything to happen in person and I do respond to their messages when they reach out but I have not brought up anything about the relationship since I didn't end it. If you can do a video on DA behavior when they're acting this way that would be helpful. Gauging where they're at is difficult and confusing. Leaving the door open, acting like an adult, having no expectations, and responding to their messages (no games) is what I have concluded being the best course of action.
Thank you so much. Ive been getting mized signals from my DA crush for over 2 years. I feel like we both know that we like each other, but everytime i try to pursue, he distances himself.
I’m struggling with the fact I lost my best friend. She’s a DA, has been very cold and iced me out after a rupture in our relationship. It’s hard, but I’m trying to give them their space
Congratulations your life journey got to the point of helping other to better understand Attachment style and everything else that involves in growing as Human. My life is fun my Loved one Psychotherapist licensed in NY and Completely Delusional about her own Dismissive Avoidant attachment. Over 10 year's of my support and understand came to the point that Im Jeweler who decided to open Psychology books to determine if She is in fact Dismissive Avoidant Yes its Is Even Jeweler can see it but She is Not? The Cycle on what she is on at this point After 6 times of breaking up and Divorce now felling She needs me Again. My question is how to bring Psychotherapist to understanding she has Dismissive Avoidant style
Wow. I’m sooo confused now. I’ve been looking into the attachment styles for about 3 weeks now. Mainly due to a friendship break up of over 20+ yrs. He and I both have our childhood trauma and neither of us are considered secure by any means. However, I’m naturally anxious due to my upbringing and never once thought of it in forms of attachment to people because, honestly, I avoid it. I have close friendships, small circle. I would do anything for my friends. Watching other videos and now especially this one, I think I’m somehow both anxious and dismissive. Is that possible? I swear I feel like I can be all types, but in friendships I feel quite secure. It’s the crossing boundaries into extra feelings that put me high alert.
@@annb5106 I felt I was more anxious avoidant especially since I have high anxiety without even being attached. It’s just my DNA. 🧬 So much so my mother’s hands constantly shook when I was young, thanks to my father. As I watch more and more videos tho I’m starting to think I’m on the spectrum. I even took a few assessments to provide me with which attachment style I fit in and I got anxious. I wonder if there’s a more thorough test available.
I think these can be two sides of the same coin, depending also on your partner and how they affect you. I'm mostly secure, part DA and smaller part FA, and my DA ex made me totally anxious at times, without even realizing it, like forgetting to reply to a msg for days because he was thoroughly caught up at work. But I don't act needy or say anything about it, and that's from someone shaming me for looking needy back in my early 20's. Depends a lot on the individuals involved and their own experiences in life.
I've certainly found women want me around most while I'm absent in the dating stage. I make it a point to immerse myself in my hobbies and interests to not get too hung up on any particular woman. For example, a woman recently texted me saying, "I miss hanging out with you." This was after several weeks of not seeing each other. When in a relationship, I find a similar (albeit on a much smaller scale) dynamic. Having time away from my partner ensures I maintain her level of attraction for me. All that said, I don't think this is limited to DAs. They say familiarity breeds contempt, and I've found it's true with ALL attachment styles (including secure). While it may not be on the same level as the DA, I've had AP girlfriends in the past who "loved me in my absence."
You're describing something entirely different. All attachment styles will miss someone they're dating when you don't make enough time for them. However, only DAs fall in love when you're not around. The other attachment styles will feel less attraction or fall out of love if you're not around enough eventually
You are wrong. If a DA stonewalls or ghosts their partner it is very hurtful and eventually you just end up devaluing the person in your mind because the pain they put you through is just not worth it. With DAs distance does not make the heart grow fonder for DA's partner.
@@annb5106 I feel like all that is happening when the DA...or anyone goes quiet after feelings start is the beginning of a trauma bond. Yes it might work for one person, but chances are the other person is unhealed if they accept that and I don't see that as a win personally. There's a couple of guys on RUclips who teach shit like this. Basically go quiet, work on yourself and do your thing and the other person will reach out and that's how they stay hooked. Sounds manipulative to me.
@@kittykatsanchez that's only partially true. While I tested SECURE on Thais's attachment test (along with three other tests I took), I do have some of the DA qualities as well, particularly the need for space. This herein lies the problem other attachment styles have with DAs, as most DAs need more space than others are comfortable with. DAs don't ALWAYS fall in love in your absence, they just need MUCH more time to warm up to people.
Really love your new video format. I'm sure it's a lot of work but we'll done. Great content but wanted to compliment the esthetic of your video as it's a big change.
When dating a dismissive avoidant, is it normal to see each other 3 times a week, and on the days we see each other, we typically spend about 5hrs together? Is that normal for a male, dismissive avodant, who's in their 40's? I'm trying to understand his needs a little better. Please help. Thank you.
no. That sounds like a lot for that attachment style. When DAs say they need space they mean spaaaaaaaace. Of course there's a spectrum. Typically they drop off as soon as things get "real"
Yes. I was the runner in my last relationship with a DA, but missed him like crazy while I was gone....to the point where I can't even think of dating anyone else. However, if I'm dating an anxious leaning person then once I step away, I'm all set forever.
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme I mean do FA ppl also miss in absent as DA? Ur bf is DA right..U mean he missed U? My bf is FA, we were in deep love ,but with his pull push - on off love + anger. When he reached to me after 2nd breakup , he misunderstood 1 of my word on social media & assumed I have given up on him. So he started a rebound following day. I explained all truth in a msg then with love & pain. Then he responded caringly , but still no communication :( So Im in NC now. Hope he will come back soon after his rebound fail... 🙏❤️🩹
@@goldy140 yes. I'm a FA and I missed my ex DA, but he also always misses me. It's pretty reciprocal, but we can't make it work. We remained friends. I don't attach to most people like this though. He was the exception, but pretty much everyone else I got over with no intention of getting back together. In your case, I would use this no contact time to heal yourself. Once healed, his type of behavior won't be as enticing. PDS has great courses for this.
Once someone takes the time to learn why avoidants are the way they are and that it's not their fault and they don't choose to be this way you can empathize with them. They want to love and be loved also
@@sunnydayz3577 We can empathize until the cows come home (and many of us do, including myself), but there comes a point when we have to be honest about how much effort each party is putting in. And when you have one person consuming content like this so they can learn their partner's perspective, learn how to treat them properly, accommodate their unique needs, etc. while navigating the relationship with the individual, but the other is doing none of it and is not accommodating them, then empathy doesn't really help. I remain empathic towards each attachment style and understand how they got there, but the fact remains that they need to do the work to heal, and until that happens, the relationship won't work.
Im kinda experiencing this happening currently with my relationship. It’s been 5 weeks I haven’t been able to see the DA I’ve been with for a year because I’ve been extremely sick with a chronic illness. He’s being really supportive and more loving affectionate through texts and I can sense us building a closer bond through longing.
So glad you brought up this condition. I didn't know it existed, but I have just read a Wikipedia article about it, and it looks like something that would cause extreme avoidant behavior and inability to discuss or recognize feelings. Very sad.
I was with a DA on and off for 8 years. I found that when I gave him a lot of space and didnt give him love, he was most comfortable. What I found for myself was that I could never truly feel close to someone I was holding back with. Couldn't even truly love him. I don't know how people make it work
I'm of the opinion that a relationship with a DA only "works" when their partner is purely transactional and never bonds with them. This keeps them activated and always trying to win their love and approval. DAs are only good partners when they're put in the role of pursuer and never taken out of it. Otherwise, they leave. And that's not a healthy dynamic at all.
I agree with the person who replied. Was with one for 11 years...with 1 year of marriage...turned out he only married me so I'd be less needy....
@@cornwallismorgan874 I was always the one who left my DA, but the pursuer part is very accurate. My ex wanted to initiate everything whether it was us getting back together to being the one who predominantly text to initiating sex. You really hit the nail on the head there. I think he needs to feel in control. Not in a controlling way, but in a way that he felt at ease being the pursuer. I'm always busy and don't reach out to many people anyway so I was fine with it, but sometimes I felt like I was far too passive and let him make all the rules for the relationship. I had to do a shit ton of healing so I stopped that nonsense. Lol
@@Aw23592 Wow, really? What a shitty reason to marry someone. I'm so sorry that happened to you; I can't imagine how devastating that was.
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme Yeah, and I've healed to the point that I'll leave as well if they withdraw, but that's the reader's digest version of what I've learned in dating DAs. And I'm actually okay with that as a concept, but if I can't even reciprocate, I can't work with that. Was it a boundary thing for you or was it more deferring to what you considered healthy leadership?
Nothing says i hate myself like dating someone that doesn't want you
Amen
and falls in love with you in your absence 😂
@@PennyisBananas 😆
They do love you, it’s just that the deeper it goes the more afraid they get of being too vulnerable, dealing with more emotion and fear of not having their needs met - safe communication can sooth all that though, and trust. Attachment is on a spectrum though, something no one seems to grasp. My DA ex was very loving and wasn’t that crazy over needing her own space… until I became a bit too anxious, then she went full avoidant mode - that’s the other point, they’ll reflect what ever dynamic is in the relationship. If you express secure behaviours, DAs will lean more secure too.
I’m a secure leaning AP married to a textbook DA for 10 years. This has been the most difficult relationship I’ve ever been in. Wanted to divorce after year 2 but we got pregnant. I refused to raise a child in two households again (I have older children) so I am still here and we live in separate rooms. I treasure my relationship and daily interactions with our son, but struggle in every other aspect of home life. My advice: if you are not transactional and seek intimacy and closeness in your relationships, run when you first determine your partner is a DA.
Snap. This is my exact situation, except a year behind you at 9, and one son who we had two years in. Had therapy have worked on myself for a while. Am now secure but his behaviour triggers me and I have to fight to not ‘flight’.
Having couples therapy soon but I don’t have any hope. I just don’t know what to do, if I leave it will screw my son up, if I stay it will screw my son up. It’s horrible. My son is going to ask why we are still not married soon, and I don’t know what to tell him.
It’s so hard.
You know the best way to describe a DA relationship? A sometimes friends with benefits that wants something to so with you once a week or if they need you to do something. It isn't conducive of a real romantic relationship. It's like having a sometimes friend. You want to get closer, they push you away. So you'll feel so unwanted and unloved. It isn't fair to a normal person to not have a relationship that nurtures them and is reciprocal.
Realist thing ever wrote
my ex told me after 1.5 years that she couldn't tell the difference between a close friendship/romantic relationship. This is also the point where she pulled away and intimacy diminished. She went to therapy and still broke up with me a year later because she said she fell out of love and couldn't tell the difference still. Im not sure if she actually wasn't in love anymore or just a DA.
Avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present tending to you in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or even doing mundane chores next to you. The illusion of intimacy is created without real life
I agree with all of this, but still very confused on why she ended things and if she was actually ever in love. She says she loves me, really wanted to be "in love" with me, but feels like she fell "out of love".
@@SK-no2pp
Bravo! You nailed what I experienced with my fella 😢
Unless a DA is getting help. Leave. Learn to become secure and find another secure person. 🙏🏻 With a DA you will “long for something that is not there” and its the DA.
Exactly.
My god you said something that was in my heart
All of this is too much trouble ; my dog requires none of this. Woof
😂😂😂
I found that the longer I was staying with my ex the worse I felt about my needs never being met so I started pretending that I don't need anything from anyone and disconnecting from those around me. I was basically becoming a DA myself, so I left..
Yes!
That’s exactly what I did too!😮
Yes!!!
I felt the same way, I was disconnecting from everyone around me 😮.
That’s me right now. I think if you’re secure and you are staying with a DA, you would have to become more DA-ish because even being secure and having reasonable needs and expectations, they’re probably not going to be met and you can’t voice anything to your partner and expect a productive result lol
Painful as it was, dating a dismissive avoidant was the catalyst to healing my anxious attachment. I know there's a deep love between us, and I feel we are much more in balance since I've stepped back, healed myself, stopped chasing, and let him breathe. Is he truly a dismissive avoidant, or did my anxious attachment push him away? Whatever the outcome, I'm actually grateful for the experience to recognize I needed healing. Now I feel good about myself, and he's responding to my self-love and acceptance of him.
I am an FA and I can resonate with your story. Really proud of you for bettering yourself. As for me, I’m still working on the self-love part.
We’re all impacted by less than perfect parents which also make us less than perfect people. There’s so much vilifying the da in these comments and very little accountability for one’s own role in the relationship. I’ve taken a similar approach to yours and think we can all use a little more grace and empathy as we all become aware of our own destructive behaviors
Same here. I hope we can become healthier versions of ourselves @@hbssl2179
I'm glad to see your comment. I'm healing my anxious attachment too. It's a long way to go, but I'll be patient.
I am dating a DA and it has also begun helping me heal my anxiety
This is not healthy. It destroys relationships no matter if the partner is secure or anxious. This relationship will always be on their terms
It works for those of us who also have avoidant traits. I'm a FA and I used to need even more space than my DA ex did. We both were pretty clear about our boundaries and accepted it. No other attachment meets these needs for me.
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithmeWell, that’s fine, date each other, but to a secure, or earned secure, this type of behaviour is a turn off
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme It makes me as an FA feel safe because I don't have to ward anything off and have the sense of challenge and learning about him all the time. But I do have moments of intense longing! And because I see the needle move I really hope he will heal and be able to understand and receive love little by little and find more ways of expressing it and feeling safe.
It wouldn't be any good if I was only 20 still! I wouldn't have the patience or understanding or unlimited time!But I am finding much healing for myself in the relationship and truly value it even if it remains only at friendship level, even if I would love it to be more.
@@julesD0222 actually I score mostly secure now that I've been doing the work with PDS for almost a year. There's absolutely nothing wrong with someone appreciating having space and boundaries. It's perfectly healthy. What's not healthy is being codependent and breaking your partner's boundaries hence why I would never date another anxious attachment. People should stop getting in the wrong relationships and staying in them hoping their partner will start acting the way they want and perceive as healthy when their behaviors are not healthy on their end..
@@angelam.e.richardson3501 sometimes seeing the needle move even a little is such a big win. My ex DA and I are both healing at our own pace. We've remained friends but have a lot of love and adoration for one another. I needed just as much healing as he did and I'm so grateful for that. Some people just wash their hands of avoidants yet refuse to take accountability for themselves. Avoidants are lovely to me because we just get each other...wounds and all. It doesn't mean I will end up back in a committed relationship with my ex, but he was honestly my favorite relationship and my favorite human. I think we'll always end up who we're meant to end up with. ❤️
it’s lonely being with a DA. have dated one for a year and I don’t feel any closer than I did a year ago. my advice… unless you are also an avoidant, best to just run.
What's your attachment style?
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme does it matter? I think it doesn't... I mean, if you feel your emotional needs are neglected, they are being neglected, no matter what your attachment style is. And, in that case, leaving the relationship may be the best thing you can do for your own mental health.
@@Bornie1977 it absolutely matters. Once you know your attachment style, you can start healing it by doing the work, then you'll being able to fulfill your own needs and feel whole by yourself, you without relying on others to fill those needs for you.
You're right. Anyone who feels lonely in a relationship should leave. I would never say any different. But if you don't look into yourself and figure out why you were in this relationship with a DA then a lot of times you just repeat the same unhealthy dating patterns.
So many times people date for love and potential and stay far too long with people they're incompatible with and essentially breaking their own heart. If you heal to get secure, you won't be as enticed by staying in these types of relationships. So knowing ones attachment style is important.
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme Great comment. I agree with you on everything you have said in your last clarification.
I’m not sure what to take from this. I was in a relationship with the love of my life and felt very secure , as he did with me. We are not together because he died, no other reason. But with the relationship that I just got out of, I felt insecurely attached and I believe it is because he set that up for me. I’m starting to believe he was avoidant. I had originally thought narcissistic but avoidant seems more likely. He was always ready to leave if we had an argument. He always made comments intended to make me wonder. So I think our attachment style can really depend on the relationship we are in and the person we are dealing with. I’m sure it’s both what we learned as kids but also it has to be what we are given or not given as security in our relationship.
DA are in survival mode NOT living at all.
They love you in your absence because your not around to talk about a committment.
I don't understand why so many people are afraid of commitment and have fomo. Most people suck, plus sleeping around gets you diseases. Find someone hot and fun and low drama and enjoy your life and stop looking for perfection!
😂
DA's make it impossible to love and connect with them. It truly is like pulling teeth. How about you just ditch the DA and move on someone who acts like an adult. Lol
😂
Basically, in short: DAs are terrified of closeness and will always sabotage the relationship and push you away. But then claim to be terrified of losing you.
yupppp, that's exactly what is happening here.
yep
What's the difference between being a DA and being BPD?
@@buellerferris Honestly, if you ask me, they are all siblings of Narcissism. They all overlap in some respects.
@@PB-md3nt if you follow Thais's videos, she's actually talked about narcissism and AP's and FA's have more narcissistic traits. That's been my experience with dating too. I've never dated a narcissistic DA, but I have dated a narcissistic AP and FA. If you're here to learn, I would suggest looking up some of her videos on it. It's pretty enlightening.
They fall in real love when you are tired of them. I pushed away him because as an Fa I reached a burnout point and I devalued him strongly in my mind. Better off alone and my value than trying to justify him. Go live you life boy.
Same. I was done after the third time. He came back but I didn't want to try again. He's rebounding and wasting another girl's time now. I feel awful for her
I had to heal my own FA traits too. I let myself be extremely passive in this relationship so I'm not putting all the blame on him. My ex is a sweetheart. Two unhealed people equal disaster if no one is doing the work.
Mine decided to block me when I finally said that I'm not interested in a texting or platonic friendship. I went NC with her for four months before she started talking to me again. This Push-Pull nonsense is all too real. I have no issues if she leaves me on block forever at this point. I'm done with this song and dance. We are supposed to cater to their needs, because they're victimized, but they have no issues treating us like Sh!t and never apologize for their childish behaviors.
#AvoidtheAvoidant
It’s been 1.5 years since I last spoke to him, I wonder if he’s in love with me by now 😅
This gave me a chuckle 🤭
Probably
Guys, no need for the B roll videos at all. These are mostly used by content creators that dont really know what they are talking about for the purposes of distraction. Definitely not needed in your case, on the contrary if feels a bit disconnecting from what Thais is sharing...
thank you for your feedback :)
Agree, dislike the stock video. Thais is great on her own. No need for the filler.
agree with this, Thais, you're incredible as a communicator and the way you articulate and gesture and the authority you express when you explain is more than enough. :)
Thais, can you do a video on how Anxious attachment fall in love next? I feel it’s very opposite of being in absence. Seems like it would be when a person is safe, reliable and present. But I would love to see what you say.
Please do a video on DA in a marriage when they shut down and how to save the relationship ir give up . How can i apply no contact if we live together? What to do when married and living together when DA deactivates. Also the DA shuts down sexually and says hurtful things to push AP wife away by saying things like I am.not attracted to you anymore...do they ever become healthy sexual partners when they become secure? I am Secure leaning AP actively working on becoming fully secure.
❤
In the same boat 15years
@kaylakayla7341 may I ask do DAs have sexual issues? I suspect there may be an issue with PE or ED which very likely is contributing to his pulling away after we had an intimate convo but I have no first-hand knowledge. Also, mine was married, now divorced, and I have wondered what went on there.
@kaylakayla7341 may I ask do DAs have sexual issues? I suspect there may be an issue with PE or ED which very likely is contributing to his pulling away after we had an intimate convo but I have no first-hand knowledge. Also, mine was married, now divorced, and I have wondered what went on there.
@@JustMeAndMyBoyDAs are likely to have issues with porn addiction, which can lead to PIED(pornography induced erectile dysfunction), but sex itself isn’t typically as issue for them because they don’t have to think or talk about their emotions during sex. It’s actually the primary way they do feel comfortable being intimate.
I wasted over a decade waiting for a DA to be ready for the relationship. I can't ever get that time back and I regret investing so much time in his potential.
9 years for me. I regret losing that time.
Ohhh nooo. You dated others in the meantime I hope? We find out so much about a person in the first few months of dating which is why we date...to figure out if someone is the right fit. If they're not and you're continually not getting your needs met, it's up to you to leave. I literally give people 3 to 6 months and then I'm out. I absolutely refuse to waste my time. I may still love them, but from a distance.
@@Warrior_Princess_1111 we dated for a while, but reconnected about 10 years later, when we realised that the attraction was still there. But that was my biggest mistake. Kept believing his assurances of "be patient, the timings not quite right". But they were just excuses in the end. I've learnt a lot from that experience.
@@lyndylou3642 I've been there. I get it. I'm so sorry. ❤️
Thank you so much, this video is very helpfull!! I love a man with a DA attachment style and it is not easy, BUT I learn so much from this connection, and step by step I am healing my own anxious attachment style, learning to love myself more and become more and more secure. I can see now we help each other to heal our inner child wounds and that's a beautiful thing. Thanks again Thais, your work is so valuable!! 💯👌🙏❤️
I'm doing the same 🙂
This dynamic is a twin flame connection. All about learning lessons and then letting go. Leave them alone for GOOD until they heal. That anxiety you feel in your stomach for them never goes away until you walk away for good.
subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship.
Why is he breaking up with you every 3 weeks?
You may feel like this is “true love” but love is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require open communication, a healthy give and take, reciprocity, trust, etc. “love” isn’t enough, you need many other ingredients. The twin flame theory is something to keep you stuck and unhealed.
This is the truth!!!! 💯
So I should be happy that my DA decided let me go because they loved me so much rather than work out making me a priority in their life? His reason for pulling away was work/financial priorities caused by some issues with things in his life and that he realized that he could not give me what I want "right now". Oh yeah, this is after little over a year of an uncommitted "relationship". I had become so much more secure prior to this relationship, but he certainly pulled back out the anxious preoccupied attachment in me. It's only been a little over a week but I am pushing myself on focusing on me and moving forward.
@@denneciacarter My DA was a quick experience but it was fantastic but also...it broke me...this happened in 2019...I'm finally able to heal and yes be happy that they're gone. Mourn their absence but celebrate your independence...evolve and remain strong and you'll be fine 🖤
@CandyNecklace6 thank you I am doing my best. I am missing him still daily but each day is getting easier. I just need the hope that I still have in my heart to diminish.
Sounds like too much work and too much trouble I would rather just go through the break up the sadness and the missing her without spending a life time with someone who is selfish and broken .... now she's somebody else's problem I could care less these people are extremely toxic
When she does something wrong why does she ignore me as though it's me who's done something wrong
Anything that brings up their feelings-they repress and dismiss. They ignore looking at themselves till they are ready to admit wrongs.
You will know if they are a narcissist if they never think they did wrong or want to admit wrongs. If they can’t say “sorry” then that is more than dismissive, that’s narcissistic.
They're immature babies who can't deal with their own emotions and are usually incapable of feeling empathy. Don't expect them to change because they rarely do. Find someone who won't treat like you crap because you deserve better.
I love that your coverage of a DA has helped me develop a deeper understanding of the woman I love unconditionally. It has helped me heal my own anxious attachment style! I have learned to enjoy my own time feeling comfortable with the space she needs. Thank you 🙏
Good. I went no contact without blocking him as a last chance to this starting up as a relationship. I was tired of being ignored and ghosted, so I just went no contact to give us both space and time to just see how we feel about one another and if we want to move forwards or not.
Keep us posted!
How did it go
How did it turn out
Normally can't wait to watch these videos from start to finish. Couldn't get through this one. All the filler footage is too distracting. I'm looking to get knowledge here, not be entertained. Please go back to the old format. Love your videos!
Currently in month three with a DA who had a traumatic childhood and a previous abusive marrige. We went out about once/twice a week the first couple of months. Im a recovered anxiously attached person who is now secure.
The dates have dropped of to one in the last three weeks. Shes very busy with work and i am too but i would like to see her more than once a month. We talk everyday on the phone and text throughout the day. From what ive read about how a DA shows you they care/love you, shes shown all of the signs. Ive given her space and support her emotionally. While i dont want us to date too often every week, once a month is too little for me. Thanks for these videos as they sre helping me navigate this. Shes a wonderful person and im trying my best to find middle ground. My problem is ive fallen in love with her so im really trying to not be too out there woth my feeling yet.
I know folks will say 'run, they aren't worth it" but i think shes worth me trying. Shes seeing a therapist and has for a few years so shes trying.
I would never say run because I have a huge soft spot for DA's. What I would say is if you're planning on staying to try for the long haul, you absolutely need to consider what you want and need out of a relationship. She may never want more and you have to be prepared to accept that before you go any further.
In other words, don't stay for the potential because you are risking having your heart broken. However she is now is how she might be 5 or 10 years from now. If you are okay with that then keep it going. If you are waiting for her to come around to meet your needs, you might be waiting forever.
Also, I love DA's because I need just as much space as they do so I'm not criticizing them. I just know while they may sometimes compromise with healthy communication, they are pretty set in the way they want to live. I kind of come and go so it works for me but for someone looking for a serious relationship, you may not get all your needs met. ❤
subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship.
Why is he breaking up with you every 3 weeks?
You may feel like this is “true love” but love is free and unconditional. Relationships are not. They require open communication, a healthy give and take, reciprocity, trust, etc. “love” isn’t enough, you need many other ingredients
Don't wait for someone's potential..
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I'm going to keep my eyes open and if it's not going to work, I will pull away. Timeframe wise, I can't say for sure how long it will be before we teach this critical point but I'm not going to wait beyond the point I know it's not working.
OMG - Thais true true true !!!
This is happening to me right now.
I'm alot more educated for his return this time, and I'm hoping we can work things out. I love him & want to be there to support him without neglecting my own needs.
Thank you Thais - your doing a brilliant job raising awareness. As a nurse with 40 years experience I would have never had the awareness and have even been supporting 2 of my patients who are DA. They were so grateful for the awareness and I pointed them in the direction of PDS and they are doing their healing. Thank you again. 🙏🙏❤
You're so welcome Marina, you sound like such a great person and a brilliant nurse!! Good luck! ❤
@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool - thank you Thais. I'm on my journey to make the world a better place one step at a time.❤️
@@marinajones2309 I love hearing this :)
Statistic says that DA's are the least likely to come back after a break up/distancing.Still comments are loaded with stories of them coming back over and over again.
Where is the truth?
I would go with the comments. My DA has come back 5 times or so...currently possibly trying again as I write this. Lol We were close friends for years before we dated though and we have a super strong bond so not sure if that makes a difference. He feels safe with me. ❤
Ohh they come back I had a situationship with one and he came back over 10 times even though I said a lot of harsh words to him
They come back when they need a hit of reassurance and go away again. Truth is it is an aweful relationship. Find a secure person.
Hahaha because they always do!! Thought they may take forever or not come back permanently
They come back an leave an come back an leave. Cycle is so draining
I have been thinking about it hard. For me it's not the absense in person that makes me fall in love. I think it is more the absence of conflict when the other person is away. This allows me to more easily focus on the positive aspects of a person.
My husband is avoidant AND narcissistic. For five years I gave him what he needed--time and space; I even gave him a safe space, knowing that his family is not emotionally there for him. But when I would tell him what my needs are, and how he can fill my love bucket, all I would get is "I don't care" or "whatever." So our marriage died.... This information is only handy if the other person is willing to change and create new habits. But a creature of comfort cannot make a relationship work if their partner is only a space-holder to ensure they're not alone.
This is SPOT for a "DA". And, this is helping me understand them VERY much!!!
Glad this was helpful!
Therefore, logic dictates that two DAs would be best together.
I don't know. In theory yes, but I've seen this play out in real time and it wasn't successful. Usually one is a little more avoidant than the other and ends up either triggering some anxiety or both of them end up ghosting each other. Maybe if one was SA/DA and the other was DA that doesn't have any FA traits it could work.
Logically yes, but they're attracted to traits they don't have, so those that are anxious.
It never takes off from the dating stage
@wadiwalla6852 yes and no; two DA's together pull out the anxious in the other, like a constant dance. These styles can be two sides of the same coin but where it differs is the DA hide their anxious feelings, won't talk about them and that's from being humiliated in the past. I find the Anxious style are so open to revealing and explaining their feelings and needs, it's admirable, wow to not be afraid at all, but they also like to strike at someone's vulnerability, and that's the lack of self-awareness of how they're causing pain, then it's the DA's fault for shutting down. Oops but not always. DA won't really do that, finding someone's vulnerable spot and striking at it, neither criticize. Just my thoughts; I've never actually dated an anxious person but just from hearing people's experiences and observing family members how they react and that
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithmeI agree. It seems inevitable that the relation between two people, regardless of attachment, will be and has always been bound together by this dynamic, what we are calling anxious and avoidant; and in the absence of this---say, "pure" DA-DA, which is rare in practice---there ends up being no enduring relation because of the lack of glue.
My ex was the 4th of 6 children. He loves his siblings but I wonder if he got lost in the shuffle often and not always get his emotional needs met despite having great parents
So I wonder if a DA has so much fear in the relationship, it leads them to cheat perhaps? Inexplicably self sabotaging the relationship?
Yep. I can say from experience. They will cheat.
What if you have an emergency or setback and they dip because they can’t handle it? GTFO… they aren’t reliable
Does this happen with a fearful avoidant leaning dismissive
absolutely
ever made promises or plans ahead with me. When his parents came to live with him for a year, they met me and had me over a few times and really liked me. The night before he pulled away, I was having the greatest time with his parents over dinner and poker. I knew his mom always wanted him to get married, and I could only imagine that his fear got activated and left the relationship all of a sudden. He texted me a few times after a month with one sentence like "How are you doing" and nothing more. I responded with "Ok thanks". After two months I ran into him on the street but he was behind me the whole time and I didn't even know until I turned. Obviously he was so avoidant that he couldn't even mustered up the courage to come up and say hello. I never anticipated that he would just cut me off like this. I gave him everything and treated him like no one else, and he was so in love with me (but obviously wouldn't say it). It's been 3 months now and I am still feeling the devastation of being left behind. I thought we'd always have a friendship to fall back to. I guess not.
Can I say it's a lot more engaging without the stock footage? it's very distractive and unnecessary, love your content otherwise!
Can you be DA and anxiously attached? I feel like i have both. 😕
Love your channel !! Thank you for the quality content. Question: I have yet to come across someone who can explain the link between DA, addiction to porn and limerence in the context of an infidelity. I must add that the affair partner responded with enthousiasm and desire to all the kinks and fetishes that the DA whished for. The result, a husband who stayed 2 years withing his lies about the affair (even though he had seen her 3 times only but had a 3 months on and off text exchanges) Added to this period, an extra 2 years of him in a solo limerence for the affair partner even though she had cut all the ties. I understand through your video that it could be that him being caught peeing in the bathtub as a child and being repremened for it, was eraised by his affaire partner accepting and loving eveyghing he could not have had accepted. I must add that he had tried with his wife but in he had brought up the requests with dominance and threats. Of course the wife could accept some but never was she able to provide him with what he experienced with his AP. I would like to know you insight on this situation. Thank youo
Who here falls in love at a distance? Please share your experience!
Definitely happens to me.
I didn't know if it's just because I am idealising because I am not with the person anymore or not...
But what you say resonates with me, the fears are gone, so the love can thrive
thank you for sharing your experience @@nickskywalker2568
I hate it, each day gets harder
This is really helpful. I think my ex partner is DA. It's been 8 months. At the 6 month mark there were multiple incidents of indirect communication that was bizarre. They haven't initiated anything to happen in person and I do respond to their messages when they reach out but I have not brought up anything about the relationship since I didn't end it. If you can do a video on DA behavior when they're acting this way that would be helpful. Gauging where they're at is difficult and confusing. Leaving the door open, acting like an adult, having no expectations, and responding to their messages (no games) is what I have concluded being the best course of action.
Thank you so much. Ive been getting mized signals from my DA crush for over 2 years. I feel like we both know that we like each other, but everytime i try to pursue, he distances himself.
Does this apply if they rebound?
I’m struggling with the fact I lost my best friend. She’s a DA, has been very cold and iced me out after a rupture in our relationship. It’s hard, but I’m trying to give them their space
Looks like he'll be " in love " for a very long time. Not interested in reconciliation or communicating..
Congratulations your life journey got to the point of helping other to better understand Attachment style and everything else that involves in growing as Human. My life is fun my Loved one Psychotherapist licensed in NY and Completely Delusional about her own Dismissive Avoidant attachment. Over 10 year's of my support and understand came to the point that Im Jeweler who decided to open Psychology books to determine if She is in fact Dismissive Avoidant Yes its Is Even Jeweler can see it but She is Not? The Cycle on what she is on at this point After 6 times of breaking up and Divorce now felling She needs me Again. My question is how to bring Psychotherapist to understanding she has Dismissive Avoidant style
brilliant. you are incredible.
❤
Having you describe my childhood moves me to tears.... Huh. I thought I was over it
Wow. I’m sooo confused now. I’ve been looking into the attachment styles for about 3 weeks now. Mainly due to a friendship break up of over 20+ yrs. He and I both have our childhood trauma and neither of us are considered secure by any means. However, I’m naturally anxious due to my upbringing and never once thought of it in forms of attachment to people because, honestly, I avoid it. I have close friendships, small circle. I would do anything for my friends. Watching other videos and now especially this one, I think I’m somehow both anxious and dismissive. Is that possible? I swear I feel like I can be all types, but in friendships I feel quite secure. It’s the crossing boundaries into extra feelings that put me high alert.
It's possible and it means you have a fearful avoidant attachment style.
Your attachment style could be fearful avoidant also known as disorganized or anxious-avoidant.
@@annb5106 I felt I was more anxious avoidant especially since I have high anxiety without even being attached. It’s just my DNA. 🧬 So much so my mother’s hands constantly shook when I was young, thanks to my father. As I watch more and more videos tho I’m starting to think I’m on the spectrum. I even took a few assessments to provide me with which attachment style I fit in and I got anxious. I wonder if there’s a more thorough test available.
I think these can be two sides of the same coin, depending also on your partner and how they affect you. I'm mostly secure, part DA and smaller part FA, and my DA ex made me totally anxious at times, without even realizing it, like forgetting to reply to a msg for days because he was thoroughly caught up at work. But I don't act needy or say anything about it, and that's from someone shaming me for looking needy back in my early 20's. Depends a lot on the individuals involved and their own experiences in life.
@@nickskywalker2568 I just watched the video on fearful avoidant, and I don’t fit that.
I've certainly found women want me around most while I'm absent in the dating stage. I make it a point to immerse myself in my hobbies and interests to not get too hung up on any particular woman. For example, a woman recently texted me saying, "I miss hanging out with you." This was after several weeks of not seeing each other.
When in a relationship, I find a similar (albeit on a much smaller scale) dynamic. Having time away from my partner ensures I maintain her level of attraction for me.
All that said, I don't think this is limited to DAs. They say familiarity breeds contempt, and I've found it's true with ALL attachment styles (including secure). While it may not be on the same level as the DA, I've had AP girlfriends in the past who "loved me in my absence."
You're describing something entirely different. All attachment styles will miss someone they're dating when you don't make enough time for them. However, only DAs fall in love when you're not around. The other attachment styles will feel less attraction or fall out of love if you're not around enough eventually
You are wrong. If a DA stonewalls or ghosts their partner it is very hurtful and eventually you just end up devaluing the person in your mind because the pain they put you through is just not worth it. With DAs distance does not make the heart grow fonder for DA's partner.
With that awareness, I hope you are not doing it on purpose to manipulate women's feelings and work on yourself to better the relationship dynamic.
@@annb5106 I feel like all that is happening when the DA...or anyone goes quiet after feelings start is the beginning of a trauma bond. Yes it might work for one person, but chances are the other person is unhealed if they accept that and I don't see that as a win personally. There's a couple of guys on RUclips who teach shit like this. Basically go quiet, work on yourself and do your thing and the other person will reach out and that's how they stay hooked. Sounds manipulative to me.
@@kittykatsanchez that's only partially true. While I tested SECURE on Thais's attachment test (along with three other tests I took), I do have some of the DA qualities as well, particularly the need for space. This herein lies the problem other attachment styles have with DAs, as most DAs need more space than others are comfortable with. DAs don't ALWAYS fall in love in your absence, they just need MUCH more time to warm up to people.
this is also possible if u want to get closer to them but not yet dating right....that they run away even if u both feel connected
so… we should all adapt to the DA needs… a DA maybe unconscious about his problem?
Does this take into account neurodivergence? Or is it only if one is neurotypical?
Really love your new video format. I'm sure it's a lot of work but we'll done. Great content but wanted to compliment the esthetic of your video as it's a big change.
Thank you!! I will share this with editing team as well!
When dating a dismissive avoidant, is it normal to see each other 3 times a week, and on the days we see each other, we typically spend about 5hrs together? Is that normal for a male, dismissive avodant, who's in their 40's? I'm trying to understand his needs a little better. Please help. Thank you.
no. That sounds like a lot for that attachment style. When DAs say they need space they mean spaaaaaaaace. Of course there's a spectrum. Typically they drop off as soon as things get "real"
very Helpful!!! Thank you!
You're welcome! ❤
This was really helpful. Thank you
Is this same with FA?
Yes. I was the runner in my last relationship with a DA, but missed him like crazy while I was gone....to the point where I can't even think of dating anyone else. However, if I'm dating an anxious leaning person then once I step away, I'm all set forever.
@@johndoe8923_is_obsessedwithme I mean do FA ppl also miss in absent as DA? Ur bf is DA right..U mean he missed U? My bf is FA, we were in deep love ,but with his pull push - on off love + anger. When he reached to me after 2nd breakup , he misunderstood 1 of my word on social media & assumed I have given up on him. So he started a rebound following day. I explained all truth in a msg then with love & pain. Then he responded caringly , but still no communication :(
So Im in NC now. Hope he will come back soon after his rebound fail... 🙏❤️🩹
@@goldy140 yes. I'm a FA and I missed my ex DA, but he also always misses me. It's pretty reciprocal, but we can't make it work. We remained friends. I don't attach to most people like this though. He was the exception, but pretty much everyone else I got over with no intention of getting back together.
In your case, I would use this no contact time to heal yourself. Once healed, his type of behavior won't be as enticing. PDS has great courses for this.
Here for the comments from FAs and APs trashing DAs. Healthy positive constructive behavior. Yay humans.
I know right, like somebody kicked someone else's dog so they must be a DA. It gets a bit much sometimes
Once someone takes the time to learn why avoidants are the way they are and that it's not their fault and they don't choose to be this way you can empathize with them. They want to love and be loved also
@@sunnydayz3577 We can empathize until the cows come home (and many of us do, including myself), but there comes a point when we have to be honest about how much effort each party is putting in. And when you have one person consuming content like this so they can learn their partner's perspective, learn how to treat them properly, accommodate their unique needs, etc. while navigating the relationship with the individual, but the other is doing none of it and is not accommodating them, then empathy doesn't really help. I remain empathic towards each attachment style and understand how they got there, but the fact remains that they need to do the work to heal, and until that happens, the relationship won't work.
Agree 💯
Truth hurts I guess.
What if they want to spend a lot of none quality time with you but you really want to just be on your own?
Im kinda experiencing this happening currently with my relationship. It’s been 5 weeks I haven’t been able to see the DA I’ve been with for a year because I’ve been extremely sick with a chronic illness. He’s being really supportive and more loving affectionate through texts and I can sense us building a closer bond through longing.
A text relationships isn’t real. He’s comfortable behind a screen but not with real intimacy or being there for you in person.
nah they are the ones who won't tell the truth to you when the #$#@ hits the fan
You got a BF?
How does alexithymia impact this?
So glad you brought up this condition. I didn't know it existed, but I have just read a Wikipedia article about it, and it looks like something that would cause extreme avoidant behavior and inability to discuss or recognize feelings. Very sad.