Are You Avoidant? Or Just Scared of Abandonment?
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- Опубликовано: 26 сен 2024
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It’s ironic we counter our fear of abandonment by abandoning others
It’s hard being a human!
Too true.
@@farrahlipsham7523 Very hard
Wow good insight😮
we do back what is done to us but without the malicious intentions... sad
I needed to hear this topic!! I’m avoidant because I’m ok being alone. I was dating a man and he was so sweet, and understanding, respectful, and attentive. He thought I was cold and I didn’t have strong feelings for him like he did. I recently broke a pattern. He would tell me he would miss me usually I would be quiet, but we haven’t seen or talked to each other in a couple days. I realized I missed him. I struggled with texting because I didn’t want to be the first to text. I knew I was afraid. I thought my thats it he is gone. Out the door. Or he is going to ghost me. I made a conscious choice to text. Usually when afraid I tell myself I’m not going to live in fear. Texted him. Telling him I missed him and he better not be asking for other woman’s phone numbers. I was actually shocked that he responded fast with “I miss you too. I won’t.” Dating him I realized I have patterns of cutting people out, not letting people in not because I’m afraid of rejection but being used in some way or judged. I love that Matt said you use as a form of growth. In past dates I would enter with zero expectations and don’t care if he likes me or not mentality , See what I learn from the experience. I discovered when like someone I tend to contain and not show any emotion. When the man I date shows genuine displays of affection in public it makes me uncomfortable. I am getting more comfortable and receptive. I met him at car wash. I wanted him to talk to me and he did. He wanted to take me out to lunch. We had breakfast the next day. Let’s see where this goes! 🙏🏼
I have issues with this too and am learning to be vulnerable with people. You are doing an amazing job; breaking patterns in no easy task. He seems like a really sweet guy who will appreciate you. Wishing you the very best.
Oh boy .. I think I have the same pattern 😐I have been most of my life alone (single and enjoying life by dancing around my apt in underwear) but recently I was in a relationship where my partner was complaining all the time that she felt lonely and I was distant .. it has been really difficult for me to discover if I have a pattern, I still don't know if I do .. maybe I have to rethink my situation because your story sounds a lot like me
Love this for you. If you don't mind me sharing a book recommendation. It's called women who love too much by Robin Norwood. It's so good. If you want to check it out. I feel like every woman should read it or hear it in an audio book. Best of luck!
@@Vulturesandowls Thanks for this!
I can relate to so much of this. I also come across as cold. I feel uncomfortable with PDA. I’m scared of wasting my time with someone. I don’t trust anyone. I find it difficult to feel anything for anyone as I subconsciously shut those feelings down as soon as they’re interested in me (when it gets risky). I go from one person to the next, sabotaging and wondering why nothing ever works. I’ve known about my attachment style for years, yet it’s taken some time to really sink in and to realise that I have to be very aware of my actions and actively work on changing my behaviour. Thankfully, I met someone who is doing the same thing so our communication about it is amazing. Trying to change in this way is probably one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.
“People don’t know what you don’t tell them”. There’s a gem!! Thank you!
Some people dont even know themselves what is going on in their own head
I’m 😊😊
I’ve found that the beginning of relationships suck for this reason. A boundary is crossed early, you see it and think “damn, this is probably going to lead to the end of the relationship”, but then you have to be vulnerable and force yourself to sit with an uncomfortable situation… which usually pans out exactly the way you anticipated it would, so it sometimes feels like “dang, should’ve just ended it at the first red flag and spared myself all that anxiety that came from sitting with the discomfort”.
Like, these guys come from nowhere into my life, start causing problems, and then my peace is affected while I force myself to hold the space and be vulnerable… cool. It’s like they’re mosquitoes who fly into your space and suck the life out of you, and you’re like “hold up I just want to make sure they’re not a butterfly”, but in the meantime you get bled dry.
Girl!!! This is SO WELL SAID oh my goodness!!!!!! Yes yes!!!!! I agree with this so much
Have you considered looking at how YOU have been a contributing factor to any of these repetitive situations? Or is it always someone else’s fault?
Haha, I know exactly what you're talking about...
And agreed, often when bs shows up very early on, it turns out to be a pattern.
My strategy (and I'm happy with it) has become this: I see sth that I dislike. I communicate this in a constructive way and with a smile. If then the bs behavior returns soon, i call it out again (friendly, but clearly). If he then shows no insight, I'm out.
My problem is that i think everyone is a butterfly and turns out they are vampires.
After being drained in several long term relationships, I don't even know what to think any more other then look out for those red flags and don't avoid them and try to call out the BS sooner. Protecting your peace while being open and vulnerable is like walking a tight rope.
@@edjenvey8576 I am open to understanding what you mean. As in, genuinely curious.
I am autistic and struggle to put together situations from the side that isn't my own understanding.
I was abandoned many times in relationships, from that experience I learned the difference between reacting and responding to a situation.
Take a step back, see the bigger picture and respond accordingly to the situation.
Reaction is fear-based.
I believe that is crucial when taming your own fears.
i reacted very strongly 😢 when my ex said he wouldn’t drive over to my house . I hadn’t seen him properly for a week and he also didn’t see me the week before he left for a two week trip .. this cascaded my feelings and made me overreact and end the relationship.. i left because i felt rejected . I should of calmed down beforehand ..
I literally did the same, 2 weeks ago🤢 🙈cause we didnt see each other for 3 months, then he came to make holiday for 2 weeks in my country and he didn’t plan to come to see me one day. I found this so disturbing and I said ir’s over:((
Not totally finished the talk yet, but as a fearful avoidant, I think one word that can also be used in this discussion is, CONTROL. I think I have a high desire to control a LOT of situations. So, I always have one foot in and one foot out of romantic relationships - and if I sense someone pulling away, I very much want to be in control of that situation - and I will definitely leave things first...so that my ego is not harmed as much. Very true.
everything you just said is exactly how I tend to do things too... definitely a control freak. I'm now 33 & it's very hard to unlearn this 💔
@@bobbyhill8486 I'm 35 and also trying to unlearn this! LOL! But, the first step is being aware of it, I suppose!
I’m a fearful avoidant too and it’s ruining my life I always half in half out. One week I’m all in 😍 next next I’m checked the fuck out and don’t even like them. WhTs wrong with me !? I always want to runnnn!!!
@@karinafernandez5602wow this sounds exactly like me!!!! But then again i have to admit that i often date men that i don't really into because i feel safe with someone who likes me more.... And i am always one foot in and one out in my relationships ready to leave any time.
@@ritabar3103 that’s crazy yes that’s what I do I date guys I’m not that into. But the spark goes and come I think love is a choice and can grow. But I always withdraw and feels go completely away and then I freak out!! I was like that with my ex of ten years and now that I can’t have him I’m so into him. Because of these I try not to listen to my feelings and try to work it out and water the grass I have with the good guy.. just hope I dont fuck this up
*Adults cannot be abandoned, only children can.*
One of my favorite phrases from a therapy retreat on trauma I attended! 🧡
That phrase or thought is very young. Meaning you're emotionally a child at that point, not a bad thing! I experienced it often before deep trauma work. It's the inner child within that is scared, needing to be nurtured by the functional adult- YOU. No one else. 🌈💙
Regressions by John Lee is a fabulous book on healing this.
love this! thank you!
I'm now reconsidering my entire life.
Merci beaucoup pour la référence de cet ouvrage que je ne connais pas 🌹
That's awesome..that's true. We learn how to feel and what to do with them as children. Our child never goes away..
Thank you 😊
Emotionally absent parents growing up....create fearful adults with issues. I wish people needed to pass a psych test to have babies.
Ab-so-lu-te-ly....the world would be a better place
But some point an adult needs to look in the mirror and realise their short comings especially when it hurts others. And decide to work on it. Or just leave people alone.
Running away out of a fear of abandonment IS an avoidant attachment response
the problem w avoidants are they do this to people that has pure intentions, resulting to additional avoidants in the future 😅
Recently figured out I'm an avoidant but not for fear of abandonment but more the fear of rejection or negative situations that I cannot handle. I avoid emotions and intimacy. It was one reason I ended my relation currently. Here's hoping I can start working on myself from here on out
did you still love them when you broke up with them (even if you convinced them or you that you didnt)
@elgeebee5250 so I still cared for them greatly. I did love them but the love had vanished by the time I left (I realized this a year after the breakup)
i dated an avoidant and it was the worst experience of my life. These people have a lot of fear and I'm not into that
Interesting! When the man said the anxiously attached stays too long (23 minute mark approx) because they are "afraid to be alone" that didn't occur to me as readily as the idea that they stay because they believe in the strength of the relationship and their feelings for the other person--they believe in the ability to work together through the difficulties. Some partners do understand that their person is afraid, but want to give their person full autonomy to work through their fears--so they wait patiently. I totally support the vulnerability to tell the person that you are afraid of... and to give them access to what you are thinking/feeling. "People don't know what you don't tell them," so be brave.
This. I stayed for 7 years, took care of my ex who was very broken and needed a healthy space. But over time I realized I wasn't getting help and became very afraid of the what ifs and couldn't wait any longer for them to get better. So I left because I couldn't handle the what ifs
But I never truly told them, I mentioned it and hinted towards it and when they didn't pry further I stopped because I assumed there was a lack of care of their end
@@GodammitNappa we want to believe we can fix people, they have to be willing to do the work. Something I need to learn to accept. We can't change people no matter how much good we want for them. In doing so we abandon ourselves and our own healing.
@0famz a year ago I'd have said you were stupid for saying this. Today I know you're right but just don't want to admit it. The growth is small but there
@@GodammitNappa I get you, I'm talking to someone now I believe is avoidant. I'm anxious-avoidant and I feel compelled to chase and try to fix or point out their attachment style but I'm asking myself if I should, if a person isn't self aware or working towards healing, its not going to work is it? And maybe its the scarcity mindset we have that we can't get better or we don't deserve better that keeps us stuck and fawning, because we believe love needs to be earned.
What Audrey says about fearing that people we love may leave our lives is something that everyone can relate to. People come into our life for a reason, season or forever. For whatever role and length of time they are meant to stay they teach us lessons about ourselves and others. One of the greatest lessons that I have learned along the healing path is to embrace and appreciate each person I come into contact with. It has really helped me in this area of being able to let go of the fear of losing others and to enjoy and learn from them while they are still here. 💛 Great video and 💯♥️ love the female energy and perspective that Audrey brings to the table and conversation.🫶
This hit me so hard I started tearing up. My pattern of running out the door at any sign of conflict is very much a trauma response. But I appreciate this conversation so much. I started seeing someone new recently and it’s really healthy and balanced and I have been working on my avoidant issues. I’m definitely going to aim to be more vulnerable and vocalize my triggered emotions before I do anything. You guys rock. ❤ love from Houston Texas!
This conversation is so helpful! The space between stimulus and response is hard to hold when you are scared. Abandonment is very scary, and trusting that someone can hold that space is just a scary. Trust is everything!
I agree with you is like a shutdown emotionnaly....
I'm scared of people screwing me over because I've been screwed over a lot. Yet I'm still not an avoidant
Just LOVE it when the four of you get so deep en pick one anothers' brains for philosophical (and scientific) answers. So constructive. So inspiring. So stimulating.
Yes, I love how Jameson is taking on more in front of camera since he's usually behind the scenes.
Fighting that need to run for an avoidant is like facing a huge wave coming at you, watching it get freakishly big, and you don’t know when it’s going to break - you just know how bloody painful it’s going to be IF it comes down right on top of you.
But you don’t learn how to read and ride the waves like a pro by swimming back to shore all the time.
It’s tough guys but like Matthew says it’s so rewarding in the end to do these tough things. You’ll feel proud of yourself and it’s that self esteem I think a lot of avoidants need to build. Rejection hurts so bad for us because it “proves” to us that we’re not lovable or good enough. Rubbish! If they leave and you did your best, head up kiddo and it’s THEIR loss not yours. Learn your worth.
My biggest problem now isn’t rejection but trying to not be attracted to those who are more likely to reject me! Gah! Work in progress.
Matthew, very good but they have TWO OPPOSING fears:
1. Rejection
2. Being overwhelmed/engulfed/smothered, losing their freedom too soon.
Due to their childhood trauma many times, but it's really difficult finding the balance when dating an avoidant, how to give him enough space and at the same time show appreciation,
and at the same time showing our own needs, in a nice way.
Dang…that’s me in a nutshell 🥜
Agreed. An avoidant just ended a beautiful relationship we were in (after a year and a half) because of that second point.
If you are an avoidant? Trying to get back into dating , to show up but when it starts to feel to close, I do feel like I need some space but I miss out on healthy relationships and then hurt other people because I run, so most of the x I just stay on the sidelines - ouch.
I wish we could work out which one of the two it is
@elgeebee Avoidants fear both of those things all the time. The same person.
If you are an avoidant stop dating until you figure this out. There are only a few good men (and women) out there, then they get emotionally damaged and lose hope in love thanks to avoidants. It's very painful to deal with avoidants, giving something as pure as a heart to someone who will constantly look for faults or dismiss you for being secure. Conversely, anxious people need to chill too, and work on this. Stop stalking and look for people who can fulfill your needs.
!!!!!!
‼️😌💯
THIS.
Perfectly put.
This is on the money! Thank you guys for this content! I’ve been seeing someone and I was starting to feel a little scared because, I’m starting to like him. Last night we talked about some of my fears, and he opened up and has some similar fears as well. I like that so far, we both seem to be working on ourselves, and can have vulnerable conversations. Vulnerability is so hard for me. He isn’t someone I ever thought I’d date because we’re so different, but I’m enjoying getting to know him. He seems to be enjoying me as well. Will keep you guys posted.
sounds sweet! Try a garden or flowers together. Im gonna try winter gardening. my last dating thing had no fruits, didnt even grow vegetables together.
You sound so sweet, best of luck!☘️☘️☘️
I'm definitely avoidant because no male has ever treated me well. I'd rather not deal with their crap.
I believe the underlying issue is that we all want to minimize the pain because we already know what that feels like. So we compensate on either end to avoid it. Which obviously can be overly exaggerated like you said. Even then, pain is inevitable. If we can find that balance and see things to completion maybe the results would be different or unlike anything we could have imagined. Trauma has an uncanny way of putting us in a familiar place (internally) in a variety of situations with different people. So in other words, we’re recycling our trauma. “The body keeps score.” We’re just trying to survive. Which is something we also see that in animals as well.
Matthew your projecting into the future comment is spot on. When I feel threatened or sense a red flag I will typically do that. Then I end up self sabotaging the relationship. I know exactly why I do this now because of the negative impact as a child witnessing bad behavior and being treated poorly in my adult relationships. Sometimes becoming too self aware is a curse. The reaction is definitely being driven by fear 😒. The thing is no one is perfect we all will make mistakes and you have to take risks in life and chances with people or you will be alone. It’s a very difficult reality to come to terms with. All a woman truly needs is to feel safe and secure. I always remind myself to not compare the past with the present.
Your self awareness is incredible .. Goodluck on your journey😢❤️
@@MENTAL-STRENGTH101 thank you 🙏🏻
Yes. What you were saying about angry outbursts. Behind anger is fear and behind fear is pain. (Often but not always of course). İt's like having to go backwards and unpick where these things come from. İn relationships it takes patience, understanding and a willingness to work on those things. Two people being ready to do that.
I have borderline, some codependency (but not with substance abuses), and anxious preoccupied going on. Maybe ptsd as well from things lived through. It's really a personal hell trying to have interpersonal relationships without ruining them. Sometimes, you think you're doing the work and healing yourself. Then, you get into a situation, and you kind of feel like you haven't made any progress at all like you thought you were. Somehow, I seem to always connect with Anxious or Fearful Avoidants like clockwork.
I really appreciate the part of this that talks about being able to communicate our fears. Not just... responding from being triggered.
Can it be both...?
It is. Avoidants are scared to be vulenerable and are avoid to be hurt dismissed and abandoned.
This is definitely me, I will take it as far as kicking out my hubby for the night/day from a simple argument. It has been almost a month since I have been trying hard to keep my avoidant tendencies out of the relationship. I know it isn’t a long time, but it’s the best I’ve been in my relationship. Taking space and having a minute to cool down and process has helped me a lot with these issues.
i need to learn this
Maybe just try telling him your wanting him to leave now, like Matt said, ..without asking him to actually leave, would communicate the same intensity and provide you with the similar buzz.. I'm
A form of trying to control the situation without any compromise of the possible outcome
My ex husband has mentioned to me very mixed things such my being “the one that got away” and yet he left me after only two months or so of marriage. It’s been very hard to deal with. I pray I don’t spend too much more of my time ruminating and obsessing about this. The one fear he had most in this world was the fear of being abandoned too. I think we were having trouble and he left me before I could let leave him, even though I would have never have done that. We just would have been miserable and abused each other. I have been told I dodged a bullet, but yet I am still struggling with this. This video is helping me to make sense of things.
I find what helped me was someone telling me that our first and main attachment figures were our parents, and that we treat our attachment to our partners very similarly.
Is it your partner you’re trying to keep close/win their affections or are you reliving trying to please/ get closer to your old attachment figures?
For me I was able to let go easier knowing that my tendency to try to keep wrong partners close was my trying to always get love out of attachments figures that were dismissive or hard to please.
Hope this helps!
I love how this applies equal to the guys (like me) as well as the gals. Being inside your own head is not always healthy; communication is key, even if it's an outsiders perspective.
I'm definitely fearful avoidant due to childhood trauma. I've been hyper-vigilant my whole life and have managed to stay single til 32 because I shut off all potential romantic prospects for fear of ending up in an abusive marriage like my mom. It's not that I haven't tried dating, but I dip out the first second something feels off or too intimate. I feel like this video perfectly articulated every issue I have to work on.
My abandonment wound and fears began to heal when I realized I could never be abandoned because I have myself and I have my own back so I no longer need someone else to heal that wound for me.
As a secure its like damn dude, we all have issues, but hurting others just so you don't " get hurt" isn't the move. Not everyone is out to "get you" smdh. But of course avoidants are masters at blame shifting and running away from imaginary scenarios. You really can't win for losing if someone chooses to hate you.
Secure people judging Avoidants is like someone standing on the ground yelling up at someone on a ten story building with a rope to “just come on down you scaredy cat it’s perfectly safe!”.
You have no concept of the depth of their trauma based fears with your feet set firmly on the ground. Like the Director Matthew mentioned - try compassion and alleviating the actors fears - don’t just sit back and label them assholes.
@@farrahlipsham7523 ok. Let's go with that: how do you show compassion to someone who blames you for things you didn't do, completely removes you from their life, and stonewalls you for months on end. Answer that, and I'll tell have eventhough I've been in a psych ward multiple times, on a bunch of different medications, and still am able to treat other people with respect and dignity.
Thanks!
@@farrahlipsham7523 Best comment. Thank you
Such a great conversation. Speak your fear before running away.❤
When I first met my boyfriend he ended things in the early days because he said he was scared of the connection. I met up with him casually then he asked me on a date then cancelled because of his fears 😅 If I’ve learnt anything it’s how to be more patient which has helped me in so many different aspects of life
I feel like men have so many ego issues nowadays and they create so many barriers in their mind that having a serious relationship is almost impossible unless you fall in love right away.
I’m a man., and I’ve had a lot of heartbreak at the hands of women..
I am very loyal and trusting - but I was dumped by text., after 4 years - by a woman I truly loved. It was so cruel and I struggle to comprehend how this amazing lovely person I thought I had met - changed quickly into someone I really didn’t recognise at all..cold and cruel.
18 months on., It still causes me pain.
Raquel,
Enjoyed reading your comment, but I’m not sure if it’s ego based, or if it’s that there are so many “rules” with todays dating. I like to watch videos directed to women (like Matthew’s), I also watch videos directed to men (done by women and men both).
Men aren’t supposed to chase they’re supposed to pursue, we aren’t supposed call or text too much, or we seem needy. So I can see how it seems like men’s egos can get in the way.
Communication is so important by both parties of a dating/relationship partnership. Unfortunately, most people, want the other person to speak first, like a game of chicken.
Good luck in your search.
Brian
And women are free from any issues right?
Tale as old as time. Trust me. This is far from new.
@@bch5758 exactly. Lets say 2 people really get along with each other after a difficult 5 year relation ship, one breaks up with the other but can't and even the approach of both sides comes from a deep emotional bond or connection. I am talking about when you really see and feel that the other person really wants you close in their life.
But the person can't hide from further integrating the person into your life as a very good, or let's say, best "friend" and wanting to have him with you everywhere. even having very close contact almost every day. Sure, i continued to love because this person means so much to me. because this person has also invested a lot and continued to invest. Then you're just wondering... "Okay, but why does this friendship feel like more than just seeing each other every 3 to 4 days? Let's say it's obvious that the person who broke up really just wanted you/us as a person to be so close in life, maybe not physically, but also in a family way. Integrsted in their Family. Calls early in the morning asking if you slept well. Then the next question is whether you want to come there or here today. Problems that were entrusted to you and where you were then allowed to provide support in all areas of life. I mean, I don't bring my friends tea when they're sick or keep a calendar to better keep track of other people's health issues so that I can support them again.
You see... It was obvious that this person enjoyed my presence in her life so much... 3 years after the breakup. Made plans. Grew together. Conversations got better. No real heated fights came up anymore.
Everything went so good every day and just the fact that in these 3 years I was the only one with whom she wanted to share all the beautiful things in life full of fun, challenges, support, activities, experiences and mutual growth. Only to suddenly plunge into a relationship with a person she had only known for a month and suddenly completely shut myself off and I was suddenly no longer allowed to have any contact with her. Since I couldn't understand this abrupt change, I was called a narcissist who should get out of his role as a victim. Or that she finally wanted to be happy, as if I had been the source of her unhappiness. She couldn't go on like this her whole life. Her behavior and herself changed completely very suddenly and very quickly. also towards me. just like a snap of your fingers. like I'm the bad guy who's to blame because he's not behaving right.
I watch ur videos before going to sleep. You are my Go to Therapist and u bring me peace. Thankyou so much for making me a better person 😌
Dear Matthew,
I want to thank you for so sincere and kind to all the frustrated and tired people--including me!
I really benefit a lot from this one! And I can feel how much You really tried to help.
I felt so identified with this topic. Thank you for bringing this up.
Needed to hear this!! - I'm the one who ends things... Bit of a wakeup call. Abandonment & pride is something I need to work on, for sure.
I always thought that my mother hated me, but this is textbook mom. I finally realized that the times that she'd blow up on me was when she felt criticized in any way, shape, or form. It could be about something as little as asking why she is wearing a coat. She'd assume that I thought horribly of her because of that. If she got to know me, or even listened to the way that I speak to people, she'd see that I don't speak negatively about people that have differences in opinion, way of life, or almost anything. I accept people for who they are, and that being kind/compassionate with me will keep me around forever.
I was abandoned 5 years ago in the worst way. He was loving, good and we got along so well. He told me and showed me how much he loved me everyday in so many ways. I believed him. It was best relationship I ever had. Then one day I came home and he was just gone. No warning signs ...nothing just gone. It crushed me and made me doubt my own instincts. It's been 5 years I can't go past 3 weeks now and I bail out. I'm in week 6 now with a new guy and having doubts now thinking about bailing again. But I will say being single don't bother me to much I'm a loner pretty much and I have a few good friends that I'm close to. I do miss a romantic relationship SOMETIMES but not all the time. I'm really good at being alone maybe to good. Maybe being abandoned screwed me up. I don't know.
Sounds like it did. Please go see a trauma informed therapist, life is too short.
Do whatever you feel comfortable with
@Scorpio Queen true and thanks
We are not stupid to stay in a relation that the other People do not want to
stay.
I am out.
E too.
I've been told I self sabotage good things.....I agree.ive left good men. Don't know why. Fear of abandonment maybe, fear of getting hurt yes...etc etc
To Sarai S. Now it’s really too late, it happened 49 years ago. The guilt and hurt never goes away because there’s no closure…
This topic is something that just about all of us can relate to especially if we are honest with ourselves.
It also makes me think of a Dan Hicks song called “I Scare Myself”
‘I scare myself
With the way that I need you
There's no one else
Tell me that you can feel it too
I'd crawl through hell
If it meant that I could keep you
I scare myself’
Anger almost always comes from fear.
The woman on this podcast always has the best insights! Insecure attachments are those that feel unsafe.
I’ve also heard that men project things into the future.
I wish I could make my ex watch this. Everything you're describing is what she needs to hear. I seemed to constantly trigger her fear of abandonment. Everything I did would upset her and just add to the other issues. Every single issue no matter big or small lead to her almost instantly wanting to leave me. She never cared about why I did any of the things I did. No empathy. Took everything personally whether or not they had anything to do with her. I want to send her this so bad but I just feel it would backfire. Probably best to just let her be. I just worry she'll have these problems forever and I worry she'll never be happy in her relationships.
Aww.. she had no empathy for you, but you are still worried for her now. That's really very kind of you. I'd send the video to her, it might help her realise her problem. If it backfires, I wouldn't engage, cos you've already tried to help her. It's up to her to change
Went through exactly the same James
Why would you care and have empathy for someone who had none for you? Find someone who deserves you.
@@rossjackson2929 This.
This is my problem. I always run away. I feel overwhelmed every single time. Do I deserve this affection and attention? What if he starts losing interest in me, then I'll feel even worse about myself when I already feel like shit. Those thoughts always lead me to the decision to just end what is just starting.
I’ve been working on exactly this for a while now. It’s definitely a trauma/attachment issue. Although I’ve realised it depends on your growth and healing stages, in whether you end things due to avoidance, abandonment (or both) or even if it’s out of necessity due to many red flags even when you’ve addressed those red flags in a healthy manner to the other person. Personally, I’ve noticed if I feel something is off with a guy when I’m really attracted and like a guy and he’s pulling back for instance. I can act out of abandonment and run if I’m noticing inconsistencies. However these days I will give guys a chance and not focus so much on an outcome and that helps. Yet in my 20’s I was completely avoidant of any relationships. Funnily, I’ve missed many dodgy bullets due to this mechanism thankfully but also learned from not giving chances to those I’m getting to know too. So, I’m learning not to bolt suddenly from someone that I’m enjoying spending time with. From now on I’m backing off but not completely if I notice things (unless it’s toxic of course)and not over investing.
‘Attachment style can change over a lifetime’ is something that gives me comfort. And I continue to work on it, albeit slowly lol :)
I love Matt having people he knows on his podcast discussing relationship issues n over coming them ...or dealing e them that you still have a healthy happy relationship
Oh, boy, that's me, hahaha, 100%. It has happened to me in relationships but also at work. The moment something upsets me, a strong, deep fear of wanting to run away starts running through my veins like snake poison.
My ex blindsided me and left in a moment of fear....he never gave us opportunity to work it out, which was totally possible. So sad that had he been able to talk and work through it we might have been able to save what we had 😢
That’s the exact situation I’m in!
In male-psyche videos it states that as women we didn’t give them enough reason and security for them to stay. We lost our value to them and allowed them to think they could find better. Sometimes it’s our fault, we can’t blame their avoidance.
Young extreme anxious-avoidant here... This whole thing was SO damn relatable. Been wondering if the whole part about 'not wanting to be the one they get over but rather the one that got away' can be expounded on? Because I relate to that sentiment and for me it's a fear of messing up (and eventual rejection) and wanting to run before that can happen, but I don't know if that's the same pride that's being referred to. I think I worry more about not being enough than being found in the wrong on its own. I can relate to also having a fight or flight response to perceived danger or hurt besides rejection.
I think I was criticised or scrutinized a lot growing up because a lot was expected of me, so I began to criticise myself before anyone else could get to it. Because I'm terrified of being recognised as not enough. Positive affirmations were earned and were what I based my self worth on. When they weren't there, I felt less than enough, and anything negative was just overkill. I recognised this problem in myself even before watching this and have been working on it, but it's so true about that space in between the stimulus and response being so difficult to sit with-it can feel like the world is ending for a moment. I think both me and my partner were some kind of avoidant and chose fight and flight on occasions after confrontation for different reasons.
At 16:08 I thought that Matthew was going to say that people choose to do those things because they believe that they can. I think this too, is worth noting.
If I can ask you,as an extreme avoidant, have you ever fallen really in love?
That is an incredible shift. I never really thought to tell my ex " I'm feeling like running away, becuse im scared you might leave me" EVEN though . That's exactly what was running through my mind
I used to be an avoidant after a lot of failed talking stages. I worked on myself for two years and became really compfertable with myself and the idea of beeing in a relationship. I got into a serious relationship half a year ago and it ended yesterday simply because it turned out we weren’t as good of a fit as we thought. I still love her deeply but i guess it’s time to start all over again and learn from this.
I’m going through something like this today. Wonderful, down to earth, fun as hell 4 dates with this man, planning New Year’s Eve together, he texts me apologizing because he’s sick. My mind went straight to …this could be the beginning of the end…50% chances it’s true, 50% not true. Even texting to know if he’s well became a challenge because I’m afraid to repeat my pattern of good girl trying to take care of him and get him to think I’m essencial in his life because of that. Questioning that, if he wanted me to feel safe he’d at least send an audio so I could feel a difference in his voice…a COVID test showing his name… or believing, is something you do or don’t. My mind is a soup of thoughts and learnings right now. I’ve already planned NYE with friends in my house. That’s all I can do for now…better learn to deal with the unknown. I like the part you say to be completely vulnerable and talk about my fear. May try that in the future if I keep feeling this way. Thanks for such great videos.
😂😂😂 Day two: today he texts me saying he tested positive for COVID then I tested myself….I tested positive too 😂😂😂 I guess I got my answer.
At 21:32 I really have a problem with the idea of finding some who makes you feel safe enough to be vulnerable. Yes I believe it’s correct but it hovers on the dangerous edge of putting someone else in charge of your trauma instead of taking your own agency to manage and heal your trauma. I believe a healthy partner can help. But it’s tricky to need someone who “makes you feel safe”.
Who wants to be with a person who’s putting their trauma on your plate to fix? For me I can’t manage my own trauma and “yours” too. That’s not fair.
I like what you say here my friend! But...instead of feeling you need to fix yourself and take on her trauma...is it possible to do it together? You both may have different issues to work on, but ..talking openly with each other on how your feeling.
Listen and hold space for each other. Let the other be heard, and in turn you are heard when it's your turn! I'm very much, trying to practice this as well. It's not easy...but small steps sure feel good! Thanks for sharing!
@@bradlaird743 agreed. I’m doing that in a current relationship. But I’ve been in past relationships where my partner wasn’t taking a fair amount of ownership, or any ownership, of her challenges and left it to me to navigate her minefield. Had a number of “legs blown off” if you know what I mean.
But that means things can never get real, as they check out the minute anything goes wrong. It can't always be perfect.
The most important as you all said, was also for me, in those moments of fear, to remember that i can live through everything… every discomfort , yes. But that came through experiences, and work to myself, observing myself, and feel ohhhh … thank you !!!!❤️🤗
Am sure I dated an avoidant. We was great when we was together but he was only seeing me once a week. Took me out once on Saturday night in 4 months . Otherwise it was only in the week . He was always joking & acting the kid which I felt was a facade after a while. The minute emotions needed to be spoken about he changed subject. In 4 months still no sexual advances towards me even though I was trying to hint so much but being patient and careful at same time that .
In the end I messaged on how I felt & wasn’t his priority & it needed to change or I will move on. I was sick of him being out every Saturday night with mates at 44 & not making a Saturday night for me. Yet everyday he would message & instigate the communication first . From my message his response was we obviously think & feel differently which he also had said once before but came back saying yes sorry about that . I was asking for bare minimum & he acted like he wanted a relationship but kept me at arms length.
We are no longer together & I feel like why do all men say they want to commit but show they don’t & run when you try & talk about it .
not all men, those you chose
Your playing into the dynamic. Leave when you see these signs.
@MJ-od5sh I dated the exact same guy ....smh
Omg, I just got out of a relationship with a man with the same tendencies. Never took me out Friday nights, took a while to get intimate, took a year to introduce me to his family, And reluctantly. After 2 years I wanted to move forward and I would bring it up and he would agree but would never seem happy about it and soon after we stopped having sex altogether. I said that we needed to compromise on that cause sex is important and he scoffed. I left that conversation after that and he didn’t speak to me for two weeks until he texted me to get his stuff back.
I am so hurt. Why can’t he at least give me proper closure? 😢
To get over abandonment Is just say to your emotional self (inner child) we will still be ok We won’t die Let’s just explore this and if it doesn’t work We’re good ! in other words our worth isn’t defined by the other person 😊 loss is the hardest thing for us humans
For me it is not just fear. I have the distinct impression that there is nothing on the other side for me. Love from someone else will not make me feel whole and there is no one who deserves that I become vulnerable. It is so much easier to have nothing to loose.
And now I know, when someone lives like this for too long, there is no turning back. I never socialized in that way. I never had a relationship and I will never have one.
To find a special person to fall in love with and to share live with is a kind of luck that is not for everyone to find. My madness will never be matched...
I've been there. What a terrible place to be in!! It wasn't easy but as long as you put in a conscious effort to connect to someone, even if that person turned out to be NOT the one. I'm still glad I did because when the right person came along, I had more courage to fight my fears. I'm now in a loving relationship with the guy I can picture making a family with.
@@marjorie3846 thank you for your kind words. I wish you that everything good comes true for you. You seem to deserve it.
As for me, I have found my way to peace when I'm alone. I enjoy it. I also have good friends that are here form me, when I need them. I need nothing else.
Some long for happiness and some long for peace...
@@maddo7192 I mean why are you on a video like this though i wonder?
@@VioletEmerald good question!
First of all like to watch Matthew from time to time. He (and the team also) is interesting to watch and I like the real life expirience they talk about. I also want to have something valuable to say when my friends want/need to talk about their relationship stuff and it is really hard for me to think myself into this mindset never having a relationship.
Second of all I like psychology related topics. It's just my thing.
Third, from time to time I need to test myself, if what I feel and think is profund or just some daydream. To expose myself to topics like this might reveal doubts. It is not that never wanted to have relationship, it's just that it does not work for me. I had other ways to test myself (and especially when I was younger, when I had to find out how I tick) but those ways were hurtful to the women I was attrackted to and let me discover some dark mindsets of my own that I didn't want to get used to. So, this way is much nicer and I approve of it.
And fourth, really simple, representation. Weird people like me enjoy to be alone but not necessarily to feel alone. It's like, when you walk a beautiful vast landscape and it's not populated but suddenly you find this pile of rocks that says "someone was here". And that's enough we need. No need for digging deeper, no need to get to know someone to well... on that note I really like people that can set boundaries. I don't exist independently from the rest of humanity. I just want my peace. And videos like this help.
Great way you explained your reasons for watching the video...
Most of the time we're not even aware that we are scared. I once told an ex that maybe the reason why she interpreted conflicts as 'drama' is bc she's afraid of being responsible for other people's feelings. She said I was making up stories and she's not afraid but just wasn't into the person. It could be true that she wasn't not just into the person at all but it could also be true that there's a subconscious fear of being responsible for people's feelings. Of crs, being responsible for people's feelings isn't exactly the best place to be in but when you're unable to recognize that that feeling can come from trauma and not all the conflicts that you have to deal with have something to do with that then you'll have the tendency to run away when there's conflict bc you automatically considered it as 'drama' or the person is toxic.
Hey Matthew. Thank you for the podcast. Just a few thoughts. In my opinion (and experience) people are not ‘the losers’ like you call them , run away before the other leave them- because of the ego. But because of the fear. Fear of abundance. Second, you advice people to ‘do what is scares them’ and you speak about people who do all kind of activities and sport for the challenge. I had to say this advice makes me feel like you’ve never been anxiously attached in your life. Fear is not ego and we don’t have to do the things we’re scare about. Because it’s just the symptoms. The root of the suffering is much dipper than that.
What you describe maybe be not only linked to attachments styles but also be the result of personality disorders of the cluster b.
Rejection is protection!
That’s such a helpful idea for a catastrophic thinker such as myself… I can analyze my old man’s behaviors and see how it doesn’t fit my image of happiness in the future - and then it keeps me from doing anything that could help us make it work together. I just pull back and stagnate and wait to figure out if he’s going to leave me.
I ended my last relationship because I thought she was losing interest, so I ended it before it happened. Also, because I have no idea how to be vulnerable with talking to people, opening up, etc. That trauma in my past makes it hard to do it.
Even ruined a chance I had with my neighbor, because of being afraid of rejection and also being vulnerable. When I figured out what was going on it was too late. Just sucks I hate to see said neighbor at times and makes me feel regret.
Just wondering after the split with the ex were you then interested in your neighbor? I fear my avoidant ex jumped from me to anyone around 😢
"i don't have enough information " dannng so true
Instinct tells you right then your right BUt you don't really know
Great Victor Frankl quote & application! 👍Thank you Stephen!
What about when they say they're scared, but they want to try? And then give you mostly the silent treatment.
“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it is gone past I will turn the inner eye to its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.” -Frank Herbert, Dune
I’m so avoidant. But I think I tend to stay in the relationship still, just emotionally check out. I’ll stay in a romantic relationship, with my “bags packed” and my heart with them, figuratively. I’ll stay and be friends with people I had previous romantic interests in, but totally take them off the table for any type of relationship. Sometimes we meld into a decent friendship… or we just fizzle out romantically and stop talking eventually. Maybe I should cut ties sooner, but I also don’t want to hurt any one.
So what’s the solution for the partner? Bear with them and they ll change as the bond grows secure?
A dismissive avoidant will look for flaws just to make them feel 'that it wouldn't have worked anyway'
Talk about sabotaging a normal relationship.
What if instead of fear of abandonment they say they are afraid of commitment. Is it really abandonment they’re afraid of?
There is fearful avoidant. And dismissive avoidant.
I have this pattern, but in my last 3 year relationship my ex talked me off the edge several times- and I stayed. In the end I had the correct instinct- because he wound up ghosting me after texting „ fuck off“ during a mammogram where I found out I would have to do some serious surgery. Wish I‘d stuck to my guns the first time!
Reply to Tulin Beyduz from Carmen. Thanks for your empathy, Feelings are mutual.This happened 49 years ago. But you have time to recover your relationship because it’s recent. At least have the conversation, get the truth out, dare to do it, so you wouldn’t have regrets later on. So, whatever happens you’d know the why and bring closure if it doesn’t work out. And you will be at peace with your heart and mind and move on, not looking back at your past. Life is beautiful and you have a great future ahead of you. Dare to try!!! Good bless you. Jesus loves you!
Humans need to do the deeper work on ourselves. We need to keep in mind that any other human being does not define us. Most people put a lot of their sense of worth, confidence and validation of who they are onto this other flawed human. The expectations are way too high, ie, "They shouldn't show me that they are flawed because that means they will hurt me". They are handing over their emotional security completely over to this other human, "here is my heart, my brain, my ego, my pride, my security, my ability to communicate, etc, so as my partner, YOU need to protect it and take control over this hurt feeling". No other human has the power to "MAKE" you feel any particular way. You are able to decide what you ALLOW, what you ABSORB, how you REACT. COMMUNICATION in any situation is the key. Since it is the fear that is controlling people, they need to work on the fear based behaviors by realizing they are always going to be fine with or without this person. That we attach to others as if our life depends on it and it doesn't. We grip so tightly to another human who is flawed, makes mistakes, is imperfect, is learning as they go also, and does not have the power to take away your happiness, security, self-worth, etc. It's not up to the other human to help you heal from the avoidant or anxious tendencies. Get stronger in your sense of self and your communication.
Hey Matthew, ur really good at finding clarity and saying it out loud 👌
OMG Matthew H THANK YOU for this Video!!!
You NAILED this! So POWERFUL
Excellent discussion - 3 talented speakers! Thank you for guiding us.
The death of someone important made me a scared runner. I wish I hadn't run away this time 😔 It's not just painful that he's not in my life, but that he's also not in my life because I ran scared. We had a great time in each other's presence and it felt so good.
Anyway, I tried to fix it, even risking my health when he was sick to be there for him, but I guess he's made his decision, all I can do is grow and be a better woman for the person who eventually comes into my life. I've taken the time lately to heal, and correct my behavior, and just focus on me. I never want to run again
I guess im anxious and my gf is avoidant
Thanks you for taking this topic
This is the best video ever put up on this channel.
This conversation was SO helpful! Thank you!
Pride & insecurity = poison
Fear & angry = lethal cocktail
Solution: Honest self-reflection, pushing pause before reacting, stop projecting pain or past into present situation.
Wow. This is soooooo profound. I almost cry. Thanks for talking about this topic.
using (and strengthening) that gap between the stimulus and response is a very big part of the buddhist practice. being able to choose how you react in any situation, _in spite_ of the emption it triggered gives you real freedom. awareness and being able to form new habits (i.e. neural connections) is the real control.
I would love to know how to deal with a partner who has this avoidance attachment.
I can relate to this as I am a mixture of both! As I have left before most break up's and have been left or abandoned. (Ghosted too.) Much comes from moving around as a child a lot and now as an adult possibly. Insecurity, fear, rejection, plus an introverted sensitive empath by nature mixture. My confidence level on long lasting relationships in general isn't very strong. Not a lot of experience with long term trusted relationships in general. I need to love more & give more grace more to myself and other's as we all are flawed and broken humans and still a child of God with room for improvement! Still healing from hurts and trusting God will provide if it's his will. Faith, Hope & Love! The greatest of these is Love! (We all need more Love amen!!!)🙏❤
I feel that we can feel things it’s energetic or we’re manifesting it
My daughter's dad left when was you g so she has issues. We started writing notes .I gave her space to go through her emotions before a fight ..then she would come out of her room. We would talk with good words .how nice she is how good she is to her friends and cats .and then we would discuss the issue. It went over much smoother .now at 25 she handles things like a pro..sometimes she will say she don't want to talk about it .and that's ok .we all have days were we do t feel so great. I give her time and we discuss it.
We went silent for a reason we trusted our gut
That’s not a healthy approach to relationships. You need to be able to honestly and calmly communicate.
That’s where the ghosting seems handy for these types!