#selfhealers, These steps practiced consistently will truly help to heal this attachment style. Let me know if you have any questions or feedback in the comments-- I'm always listening, Nicole
I feel the universe is calling me to you. I saw you on a show, just a snippet & didn’t get your name. A suggestion of finding my attachment style lead me to take a quiz & the search for how to be better lead me to you! 🤯❤🙏thank you!
I've led most of my life guilt ridden and afraid of disappointing others. Couldn't express myself since early childhood. Now I can't really talk to others. It's hard to show emotions.
I spent the summer soul searching ... bought a camper and read alot of books over bonfires ... this is definitely my problem ... but it's too late to change anything ... I've decided to avoid people on purpose ... I'm the original "Untethered Soul" ... I don't want to be attched to anything or anybody ... thank God I didn't know this was going on when I was growing up! I never heard the words "I love you" and I never received a hug ... I smothered my 4 kids and as a result they didn't want me involved in their lives ... SO I'm loving myself ... thank God I was self sustaining and independent in the past ... we would not have survived without the traits I had ... survival traits ... thanks for your help with seeing what happened ... I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone!
This explains my Avoidant ex perfectly. They always assumed the relationship would end, every single day they were constantly expecting me to break up with them, so they would never fully commit and they would sabotage the relationship, then cry because they did want it to work, but couldn't help themselves. Thanks for the video.
@@einnor5005 work on "becoming more securely attached". Seriously google some resources, ask ChatGPT about how to do it, you can read "Attached" by Dr. Levine. It can be done with time and effort. I was a lot more "anxiously attached" before and am much more "securely attached" now.
when she said that about body awareness is important to feelings, i felt that. It’s so much easier to avoid the emotions when you detach yourself from the body. Thats why my mind goes completely blank when im emotionally overwhelmed in a social situation. It’s easier to pretend im okay that way. But im beginning to realize there are repercussions to such behavior so now i plan on following her tips and change ways. Thank you for this!
Each time I meditate I end up in floods of tears...definitely fearful avoidant. Get flooded with high anxiety and feelings of being trapped in relationships with men. I feel I need to go slowly..sometimes jump in too fast, frighten myself. I say to men let me come to you, I need to take my time, then they turn up with gifts or want to spend lots of time together... i feel pressured and overwhelmed by their needs.
Its odd because I feel like to some extent...it arouses them ...that chase (after a while it gets old) but it’s like second nature to be completely detached in the beginning when meeting or dating new people and that drives the men (because I personally date male) crazy. But now I am learning to lean in and take it easy and not think about it too much and understand to feel and embrace my emotions in a healthy way. Like it was mentioned in the vid practicing consciousness and grounding oneself
@@Nina-rp8dfno it does not arouse them. It’s because she chooses anxious attached men which makes them question themselves whenever she pulls away, so they want to connect by doing the right thing by giving gifts
@@nessesitoburrito8873 right. lol you think you're ready or able to & then u're put in a position to do it and physically your body freaks out & ya gotta run, literally lol. BUT I've told myself if I'm not uncomfortable, I will NOT get what I want- work, relationships ect ect Another thing I read that helped me: the way we process things now as adults- we can handle them verse as an adolescence
I felt every emotion I feel when trying to have a relationship, as I was listening to you! Its not going to be easy but I shall try to do as you say as it makes sense. Phew! Thank you!
I just want to say thank you. The books and the videos that I’ve read/watched focus on how people with dismissive avoidance personalities can improve their relationship with others. But the fail to mention how to improve and heal. All the exercises that they mention is with another people and I need to do the work with just me. I don’t know if I’m making sense. What I’m trying to say is that you gave me just that. Tips on how I and I alone can help me (maybe this is me being dismissive lol). Thank you. I’m going to work hard to be a better person and to be able to open up and trust others.
I don't mean to be too blunt but I must say, it does appear as if you are being avoidant by seeking that. These are specifically things you need to improve in your relationships with others, its literally impossible to do that by yourself.
I struggle to really feel my emotions (I feel mostly clouded & numb), so it’s difficult to recognise how I’m feeling. is there a way to begin feeling again?
Breath is what connects the mind to the body. If you want to go hardcore, try Vipassana. They’ll teach you to feel your body. Try an emotional literacy color wheel to create awareness of feelings.
Bodyscan meditation. Then compare ur sensations from multinle sittings. U gonna c that in deed u feel al lot but u just werent looking in the right place. Once u reachive emotional commection it can be quite overwhelming so have some self compassion ^^ cheers
@C Truth do urselfe the favor and read about self compassion. I always dastroyed myselfe for all my faults . Its just trained behaviour. Treat urselfe like a friend. Sounds natural . Clearly wasnt for me. It makes life easyer when one has positive headspace ^^ takes a lot of training though
Love all your work! The only road to healing is through conscious awareness... My mom is an avoidant on the extreme side, (would probably classify as having an avoidant personality disorder) never able to connect with me or even my dad or even her friends other than superficial topics. She is now in her 70s and is a nightowl - I think it's less painful for her to be alone all night. Her parents were very strict and her dad emotionally put her down and I think abused her (I think he was narcissistic, sadistic and she was the black sheep), and I think she learnt to have very strong boundaries to look after herself as number 1 at all times (which I perceived to be a lack of love, so I concluded love is no boundaries - an incorrect view I've since healed from that, but that's another story)... She's very out of touch with her emotions and even though she has strong boundaries, she is very passive aggressive with my dad (they both seem to actively sabotage each other's happiness by withholding what the other one wants). I married an avoidant (a trauma bond for sure), who also is out of touch with his emotions, and can't express his needs, instead acts passive aggressively to get them met. Both seems to have blocked their needs for connection... Rationally I can't believe I repeated my childhood! But we met when I was 21, and connected very well for the first year, which may have been an act and I had my romantic blinkers on... I would love to hear some advice on how to handle these 2 loved ones that might help them unblock that connection block? My marriage is a very lonely one, where my connection needs aren't met (I've only recently started listening to my emotions, which before was ignored completely)... and I have to put our 2 young girls first, trying to create the healthiest family environment for them through healing myself (my top priority).
I’m avoidant and with my girlfriend of 4 years who is anxiously attached, it can be really hard but I believe this is the whole point of relationships aside from the biological side of having children, it is to know ourselves and know another so that we can move forward.
@@tomatom9666 I'm the same but my relationship of almost 6 years just collapsed. The anxiety was just turbocharged when her parents separated and I didn't have the ability to deal with it. I just realized i'm avoidant...
You and Dr. K have both explained this very well, and I find that you are two of the only mental health professionals online spreading positive and helpful messages on the subject instead of misinformation and half-truths. Thank you so much for that!
This was very helpful, thank you. Most of the content out there is more about identifying rather than working with this style once you recognise you might have it. This really gave me a head start on how to go about it.
I was recommended this channel for a healing group I partake in and just wanted to say how great it is to hear your thoughts and see the confidence you exhude. You seem to know who you are what your talents can offer to others, it's great
Came onto RUclips for my morning routine of coffee and the holistic psychologist in bed, and saw this video posted minutes ago. Just want to say thank you for sharing all of this healing content... everything that I have heard so far DEEPLY resonates. I have so much appreciation for you :)
I've added watching your videos to my morning routine along with future self journaling. I feel more gratitude and love as a result. Thank you for the enlightening information you constantly provide you are truly a blessing 💓💓
I was smoking weed for 2 years straight to cope with trauma from childhood. I quit a few weeks ago and clarity really hits you like a brick when you're bored and sober. It wasn't until I heard about avoidant attachment that SO much stuff made more sense. I thought I might legitimately have low grade autism because I was that bad at identifying and expressing my OWN feelings.
Thank you so much for making this video: short and sweet. Everything you said sounds so on the mark & possible. I look forward to living, healthy and having secure attachments for the 1st time in 49 years of life.
Your videos are so clear and straight to the point! Excellent content and production values. So easy to follow and use in practical ways to make changes in our lives.
I have an avoidant attachment style and my bf has an anxious attachment style. We've been together for a little over 2 months and I know that he's good for me,, but am I good for him? A lot of our issues arise bc of the way I seem "disconnected". I love him a lot and I know that he deserves the whole universe and more. I want to become better and more secure because I want him to know that he's loved. I'm trying to find more ways to heal so thanks for this vid.
I was in a relationship with a man for over five years, who had attachment avoidance syndrome, I ended up on medication for anxiety during the last six months. It's very hard being with someone who can't fully commit to you. He actually moved into my house after five years together but couldn't do it and left after just give weeks. It does affect your partner deeply and I'm now with a very secure guy and I'm happy but I always feel sad that my ex will probably never experience a real connection with anyone. So sad.
It is very sad to think someone will never experience love or may end up in old age alone. At the same time, if they become aware of attachment style information and decide not to do anything about it what can you do? Try not to carry that burden for them.
@@OneDanae there’s nothing wrong with never experiencing romantic love. Some people have had certain intense trauma in childhood especially which affects them in adult relationships. But a person does not have to be in a romantic relationship to experience love. There are other various way to experience love in community and friendship relationships for example. There are lots of single men and women around these days and it’s just as valid as a human experience as being coupled. Romantic Relationships are not for everyone. Although I wish for the best for all people to find True happiness and wholeness in life🙏😀
@@analogkid4957 and that is fine but if that’s the case either don’t pursue romantic type relationships or be upfront about who you are when you do 🤷🏾♀️.
@@OneDanae I hear you but sometimes people are unaware that they have avoidant attachment because this disorder usually has roots in childhood trauma and experiences of abuse and neglect during childhood. Most often people may be unconscious of it until it is triggered by a stressful experience such as addictions or a romantic relationship. The trauma in many cases is stored in the body and healing can require years of therapy or support groups such as 12 step support groups. It seems like your ex boyfriend was splintered perhaps. Part of him wanted connection and a romantic relationship inasmuch as he was with you for a few years and he did attempt to move in with you. But part of him was overwhelmed and perhaps unaware of his trauma and extreme fear and anxiety which is difficult to come out of denial and decide to heal it. The point is I think most people even avoidant attachment people desire love and connection in a romantic context after all it’s essential to our humanity. But many avoidant attachment people are either in denial or find themselves with this condition after being triggered by a relationship. The solution then is to stay in the relationship and seek therapy or healing within the relationship or flee the relationship. Obviously your ex decided to flee- he may have either been in denial or just so frightened at his painful feelings of worthlessness and childhood trauma? I’m just evaluating given my own experiences as a man since many men have an especially difficult time owning and feeling their emotions. But many avoidant attachment people are not even aware they have this trauma until they are well into a relationship. I agree though with you. A person who is fully aware they are avoidant attachment should embark on a healing program before they enter a romantic relationship. I wish you the best on your healing path in Life🙏😀.
@@analogkid4957 thank you for your comment. I think you are referring to the poster above me as far as the relationship statement goes. The guy I spoke to didn’t seem to have much going on with his personality or chose not to show it. But he did comment that this behavior was a pattern for him and it was apparent he was not interested in having a conversation about it so I didn’t push it. In any event you sound like a self aware, intelligent person. The guy I dated briefly was very underdeveloped and I felt kind of bad for him. It was obvious he was stuck in a very immature mindset. He was unable to carry on any type of meaningful conversation. There was no rude or cruel ending to the situation. But the last time he ignored me was indeed the last time I was going to give him the opportunity to do so. It’s fine, I’m sure he couldn’t care less and neither could I at this point. I wish you well in your journey as well. As for him, I hope he finds the help he needs, should he ever have the desire to work on himself.
thank you dr. nicole. i felt like you were REALLY rushing on this one. it's an observation, not complaining at all, just an observation. i hope everything is okay and you are not overwhelmed by all the success and are feeling like you HAVE TO put out videos. i hope it will always be organic for you.
Hi Alexis! Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. I am experimenting with shorter format videos, so if you felt that rush it's because I tend to talk and talk and talk... so I was being more deliberate with time. Again, thank you!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist more than kind of you to reply. i like and appreciate when you talk and talk and talk :) but i fully understand what you're trying to do. keep on keeping on. finally, a psychologist not telling/teaching/talking about what/how the world SHOULD be but how the world IS. THANK YOU SO MUCH and thank you to your partner as well. hugs.
I actually appreciated this feedback because it’s given me permission to talk, talk talk! Don’t love the short format, so don’t expect this often :) much love!
Thank you for this video! Most of the time, I see videos on how to deal with an avoidant partner than actually helping one. I understand that it must not be easy to deal with an avoidant attacher but it's also very hard to be one. It's not easy having such difficulty fully connecting with others and feeling like there is nothing you can do to fix the issue.
Never clicked faster to watch a video!! Was about to break up a new relationship ! This is me Dr Nicole!! Thank you alot but the thing is I self sabotage, can't stick to a good habits 😢
Hi! This is very common. It really takes some work to get out of this, but you can do the work. Also check my videos on how to create a habit, mental resistance, and unhealthy family dymanics. You'll gain a lot of clarity from them.
Thank you for this. I struggle with this a lot, it gets harder as I get older and I’ve found myself distanced from pretty much all of my friends and family. Quite a lonely road I’m on right now. PS I hope you start a podcast!
Wow. Yes holistic! Thanks for sharing so simply and well these three steps to begin healing!! To be honest I don't think I 've seen a more straight to the point video on this platform. A true blessing. Once again Big thanks!
Here’s my burning question- do you think half the population are really secure attached? Cause I’m almost 40, and I swear I’ve maybe stumbled across one or two, and I certainly have never dated one.
I'm pretty sure it's way below 50% on a global level, the number of secure persons, otherwise, we wouldn't have so many relationship problems. In a recent study in Hungary for example, it showed that about 30% of the population has secure type attachment style.
@@Kisaris This thought crossed my mind. On the bright side, since this comment I've been in the most secure relationship of my life, so yay for upsides.
I always find myself in long distance relationships. I also identify with insecure avoidant attachment. Do you think the long distance relationships are linked to that?
I appreciate your videos because they clarify most things that is left unsaid, or makes me confused when I read your Instagram posts. Thank you so much, always.
Thank you for this. I found it to be very Succinct and helpful. I really appreciated the way you focused on what the problem is and not all the things that might’ve come along with it or what kind of childhood would lead to this etc. because there’s so many different backgrounds we come from.
My old man could've just been our neighbor, that's what it felt like growing up, some guy at the kitchen table drinking coffee and working outside, a 1950's " Meet dad by the door and be joyful, seen and not heard". Never taught me anything or gave me any advice/interaction, leaving the kitchen table verbally frustrated that i couldn't solve my math homework as a kid with the help of a wooden abacus, clear as daylight memories. This was through the late 90's through the 2000's, the two baskets of kids he made with two different women don't want anything to do with him, that's karma. Now i suspect i have this condition but not yet diagnosed at age 29, it's hell on my social circle, friends, family and the workplace. So i keep to myself and my hobbies, weightlifting for a godly body/mental health, learning to work on my car and hanging out with an old friend i've known since 1st grade, that's one of the good things my father did, introducing me to my buddies family etc at a young age and it became my second home that i have the most fond memories from.
Do securely attached people naturally know how they feel? When I went through my spiritual awakening, that's when I felt everything intensely. It was so hard, but it taught me to mindfully pay attention and feel the emotions to let it go. It made me question, am I finally feeling these emotions that everyone else already felt or am I unlocking a new level of emotions that most people don't feel ..
What happens if I’m too avoidant to the point that I actually don’t have any friends? I’m being 100% genuine here. Tbh I feel quite free and happy this way though! I’d love to hear your thoughts 💭
I' m just like you. I guess if one day I will happen to want to have close friends maybe I will change, but now I' m happy the way I am, and maybe I' ll stay like that.
I’ve noticed that my astrology links up perfectly with this attachment style. I’d like to experiment if anyone with avoidant attachment would like give me their, time of birth and birth location I would be so grateful. I find it all fascinating
How do we communicate this experience with our partners? I heard your third point and I would love to hear more. Lately I've felt that chest tightening and emotional numbness as my partner has been falling deeper in love with me and showing me more affection. I loved it at first, but now I feel overwhelmed and feel an urge to run away. But also telling my partner "hey, I feel like running away can you tone it down with your affection?" does not feel right either lol
@@adilenecamarena9047 So the last four weeks really escalated with this, but I recently found out about Relationship OCD (R-OCD). I'm going to get screened for it, I really think that's what I've been having! Once I found out about it, a HUGE weight began to lift and I was able to talk to my partner a little bit about it. I told him "in seeking for certainty and security with us, I created insecurity. I want to own that and work on it differently than I have been the last four weeks." I'm sharing that in hopes that it can give you ideas on how to communicate. I'd also suggest looking into R-OCD and see if it fits your experience.
At the beginning of this year, the man whom I revered as my best friend, abandoned and betrayed me. In an instant, just like that, out of the blue... He discarded and replaced me. I guess it wasn't real friendship. I'd like to say it must have been love... But really, it must have been a trauma bond. It's been over 8 months, and I'm still healing... REMINDER TO SELF: Life/LOVE is just trying so hard, doing its very best to wake you up, out of the prison cell... You don’t even know you're in!
my family was very loving when I was a child, I’m exactly like the description of being avoidant but I can’t point why. it might’ve been the way my mom taught me or she may have been unstable
Thanks again dr Nicole. Working on tuning in more to body feelings. I started detaching from my feelings Really young. It’s crazy how much I believed that was totally false. 🙏🏻❤️💝
Every guy I am interested in rejects me or end up rejecting me. I ran away and have anxiety finding things wrongs with guys who wants me or genuinely see things that are wrong and I end up not in a relationship with them. Whenever the guy who reject me try to come up I ran away or do something stupid. I am tired.
I usually have an anxious attachment, but ever since a major heartbreak last year, I’ve found myself getting into an avoidant pattern. Is this a thing that can happen?
Yes yes yes this can definitely happen. When I was younger I had a relationship in which I was always told that I was so needy what was really going on is that I had an anxious attachment style. I guess that traumatized me and now I am a mix between having that needy insecure attachment and then being avoidant. So in my head I’m actually anxious but it comes off as I don’t care or I’m dissociating. So my attachment style definitely changed so we could definitely be happening to you as well.
Yeah my father passed last year. Mot sure if he was killed or accident. I confided with people who I thought was my friend and ended up getting backstabbed. It’s kind of like a baby who crys out for help and eventually stops crying once they see help is never going to come and just shuts off emotionally. Now I’m avoidant but doing a lot Better thank god for therapy and meditating. But I feel turned off emotionally when it comes to people in general.
I feel like it's a constant fight within my self to do the right thing vs how I feel. It truly is a tug and pull within myself. He's an anxious attachment. How can we find stability?
Does it works if I write my emotions instead of talking to someone? My family and friends avoid me like the plague if I try to talk anything about mental health and emotions.
you can find some other people to share your emotions with :) The 1st choice would definitely be a therapist. If for some reason it is not optional for you, you can share your thoughts with me if you want. I'm dismissive avoidant too so I completely get the struggle
Is there a difference between losing interest in your partner and being or becoming avoidant later in the relationship? How could someone differentiate between the feelings of losing interest and behaviors of an avoidant ?
Excellent question Thais Gibson answers that we'll when she describes Dismissive avoidants in the different stages of a relationship. They think they don't love the person any more when feelings settle down, instead of recognising that their fears of getting closer or of commitment expectations have made them switch off their feelings.
Thank you for this I have just realized I pushed away one girl after 5 years (I felt the time of marriage would come), and another who I loved so much after 4 months. I always just said they were both (co)dependents, which is true anyway, but now I also see that I ended actually both relationships. Since I don't want to be a codependent relationship, I consider that two okay, but I definitely want to heal my dismissing avoidant attachment, because who knows when I meet the One, right? I'll do it. Love!
It feels like when I share my feelings or emotions, that I will get in trouble, or get yelled at (this is completely unrealistic) but speaking my feelings makes me feel incredible anxiety,
So useful! Thank you so much for sharing! You & the information you share never fail to inspire & motivate me! It feels absolutely amazing to have resources such as your channel & IG to help me on my journey! Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!! Infinitely grateful for you & your work! #selfhealers 💖
Avoidant is as unhealthy as code pendent. Healthy relationships are interdependent....two independent people who look out for each other and are able to share vulnerability. Scary isn't it!
Thank you for this video. My grandma was my primary care-giver soon after I was born as my mom was too busy with work. I always feel insecure in a community, and in any relationship. Also I don't know why I keep attracting emotionally clingy people. Could you offer more advice on that?
Hi, I am avoidant. I do not have a hard time doing all this with friends, but only when thinking to flirt, I cannot engage or I can do this only when it has to do with business. When I want to flirt, I don't know what to say and do! So, I need help to relax and learn how to socialize with girls that I am interested in, keeping up with a conversation, a flow. Do you have any recommendation?
#selfhealers, These steps practiced consistently will truly help to heal this attachment style. Let me know if you have any questions or feedback in the comments-- I'm always listening, Nicole
Excellent video! Could you please expand on what you mean by "question your stories"? Are there some sample questions you can share?
Can you make a video on the other attachment styles too?
Can you make a video on disorganized attachment please
Can you make a video about "how to heal anxious attachment" please?🙏🏻✨
I feel the universe is calling me to you. I saw you on a show, just a snippet & didn’t get your name. A suggestion of finding my attachment style lead me to take a quiz & the search for how to be better lead me to you! 🤯❤🙏thank you!
Growing up with a mom who takes great pleasure in constantly belittling you and depriving you of love and affection will do this.
i feel suffocated when someone tries to be intimate with me like im under water or something
My DA friend I'm sure feels this. Especially with hugs.
I've led most of my life guilt ridden and afraid of disappointing others. Couldn't express myself since early childhood. Now I can't really talk to others. It's hard to show emotions.
I spent the summer soul searching ... bought a camper and read alot of books over bonfires ... this is definitely my problem ... but it's too late to change anything ... I've decided to avoid people on purpose ... I'm the original "Untethered Soul" ... I don't want to be attched to anything or anybody ... thank God I didn't know this was going on when I was growing up! I never heard the words "I love you" and I never received a hug ... I smothered my 4 kids and as a result they didn't want me involved in their lives ... SO I'm loving myself ... thank God I was self sustaining and independent in the past ... we would not have survived without the traits I had ... survival traits ... thanks for your help with seeing what happened ... I wouldn't wish my childhood on anyone!
It’s never too late to improve your mindset
This explains my Avoidant ex perfectly. They always assumed the relationship would end, every single day they were constantly expecting me to break up with them, so they would never fully commit and they would sabotage the relationship, then cry because they did want it to work, but couldn't help themselves. Thanks for the video.
this is EXACTLY how i'm feeling rn, any tips?
@@einnor5005 Commit! 100% Dare to life! Dare to feel love and pain and everything that life is throwing at you... Commit!
True 😢
I feel like i will act like your ex I'm scared
@@einnor5005 work on "becoming more securely attached". Seriously google some resources, ask ChatGPT about how to do it, you can read "Attached" by Dr. Levine. It can be done with time and effort. I was a lot more "anxiously attached" before and am much more "securely attached" now.
when she said that about body awareness is important to feelings, i felt that. It’s so much easier to avoid the emotions when you detach yourself from the body. Thats why my mind goes completely blank when im emotionally overwhelmed in a social situation. It’s easier to pretend im okay that way. But im beginning to realize there are repercussions to such behavior so now i plan on following her tips and change ways. Thank you for this!
Each time I meditate I end up in floods of tears...definitely fearful avoidant. Get flooded with high anxiety and feelings of being trapped in relationships with men. I feel I need to go slowly..sometimes jump in too fast, frighten myself. I say to men let me come to you, I need to take my time, then they turn up with gifts or want to spend lots of time together... i feel pressured and overwhelmed by their needs.
Its odd because I feel like to some extent...it arouses them ...that chase (after a while it gets old) but it’s like second nature to be completely detached in the beginning when meeting or dating new people and that drives the men (because I personally date male) crazy. But now I am learning to lean in and take it easy and not think about it too much and understand to feel and embrace my emotions in a healthy way. Like it was mentioned in the vid practicing consciousness and grounding oneself
@@Nina-rp8dfno it does not arouse them. It’s because she chooses anxious attached men which makes them question themselves whenever she pulls away, so they want to connect by doing the right thing by giving gifts
I felt anxious just listening to her talking about reconnecting 🥵
Is it even possible lol.
@@nessesitoburrito8873 right. lol you think you're ready or able to & then u're put in a position to do it and physically your body freaks out & ya gotta run, literally lol. BUT I've told myself if I'm not uncomfortable, I will NOT get what I want- work, relationships ect ect Another thing I read that helped me: the way we process things now as adults- we can handle them verse as an adolescence
I felt every emotion I feel when trying to have a relationship, as I was listening to you! Its not going to be easy but I shall try to do as you say as it makes sense. Phew! Thank you!
You've got this, monica! Thank you for watching.
I just want to say thank you. The books and the videos that I’ve read/watched focus on how people with dismissive avoidance personalities can improve their relationship with others. But the fail to mention how to improve and heal. All the exercises that they mention is with another people and I need to do the work with just me. I don’t know if I’m making sense. What I’m trying to say is that you gave me just that. Tips on how I and I alone can help me (maybe this is me being dismissive lol). Thank you. I’m going to work hard to be a better person and to be able to open up and trust others.
I don't mean to be too blunt but I must say, it does appear as if you are being avoidant by seeking that. These are specifically things you need to improve in your relationships with others, its literally impossible to do that by yourself.
I struggle to really feel my emotions (I feel mostly clouded & numb), so it’s difficult to recognise how I’m feeling. is there a way to begin feeling again?
You could start as she says, observing your body, breath...
Breath is what connects the mind to the body. If you want to go hardcore, try Vipassana. They’ll teach you to feel your body. Try an emotional literacy color wheel to create awareness of feelings.
Bodyscan meditation. Then compare ur sensations from multinle sittings. U gonna c that in deed u feel al lot but u just werent looking in the right place. Once u reachive emotional commection it can be quite overwhelming so have some self compassion ^^ cheers
The practices listed above will allow you to feel again.
@C Truth do urselfe the favor and read about self compassion. I always dastroyed myselfe for all my faults . Its just trained behaviour. Treat urselfe like a friend. Sounds natural . Clearly wasnt for me. It makes life easyer when one has positive headspace ^^ takes a lot of training though
Love all your work! The only road to healing is through conscious awareness... My mom is an avoidant on the extreme side, (would probably classify as having an avoidant personality disorder) never able to connect with me or even my dad or even her friends other than superficial topics. She is now in her 70s and is a nightowl - I think it's less painful for her to be alone all night. Her parents were very strict and her dad emotionally put her down and I think abused her (I think he was narcissistic, sadistic and she was the black sheep), and I think she learnt to have very strong boundaries to look after herself as number 1 at all times (which I perceived to be a lack of love, so I concluded love is no boundaries - an incorrect view I've since healed from that, but that's another story)... She's very out of touch with her emotions and even though she has strong boundaries, she is very passive aggressive with my dad (they both seem to actively sabotage each other's happiness by withholding what the other one wants). I married an avoidant (a trauma bond for sure), who also is out of touch with his emotions, and can't express his needs, instead acts passive aggressively to get them met. Both seems to have blocked their needs for connection... Rationally I can't believe I repeated my childhood! But we met when I was 21, and connected very well for the first year, which may have been an act and I had my romantic blinkers on... I would love to hear some advice on how to handle these 2 loved ones that might help them unblock that connection block? My marriage is a very lonely one, where my connection needs aren't met (I've only recently started listening to my emotions, which before was ignored completely)... and I have to put our 2 young girls first, trying to create the healthiest family environment for them through healing myself (my top priority).
how are you my friend, can we get an update? I too am in a relationship with an avoidant gf and am wondering if it is worth it to keep fighting for us
I’m avoidant and with my girlfriend of 4 years who is anxiously attached, it can be really hard but I believe this is the whole point of relationships aside from the biological side of having children, it is to know ourselves and know another so that we can move forward.
@@tomatom9666 I'm the same but my relationship of almost 6 years just collapsed. The anxiety was just turbocharged when her parents separated and I didn't have the ability to deal with it. I just realized i'm avoidant...
You and Dr. K have both explained this very well, and I find that you are two of the only mental health professionals online spreading positive and helpful messages on the subject instead of misinformation and half-truths. Thank you so much for that!
Thank you! Simple steps...be gentle to myself while doing the work!
always, yes!
This was very helpful, thank you. Most of the content out there is more about identifying rather than working with this style once you recognise you might have it. This really gave me a head start on how to go about it.
You have no idea how this single video is very helpful for my healing at the moment. Thank you.
I can't wait til you get to the "how to heal" anxious attachment. Das meeeeee! 🙋
me too!!!
Yep! Pls do make a video about this too. Each video of yours has been oh-so-beautifully unraveling personality types.
yes please make a video on this !!!! ❤️
Best of luck in your journeys
You can be both
I was recommended this channel for a healing group I partake in and just wanted to say how great it is to hear your thoughts and see the confidence you exhude. You seem to know who you are what your talents can offer to others, it's great
Thank you!
May I ask what this healing group is? Is it online?
Thanks
Came onto RUclips for my morning routine of coffee and the holistic psychologist in bed, and saw this video posted minutes ago. Just want to say thank you for sharing all of this healing content... everything that I have heard so far DEEPLY resonates. I have so much appreciation for you :)
Hey Kirsty! I'm so glad this video resonated. Really gives me a lot of creative fuel. Sending you love + endless healing.
Your videos are pure gold for those of us on a healing journey. So much gratitude for you.
I've added watching your videos to my morning routine along with future self journaling. I feel more gratitude and love as a result. Thank you for the enlightening information you constantly provide you are truly a blessing 💓💓
I was smoking weed for 2 years straight to cope with trauma from childhood. I quit a few weeks ago and clarity really hits you like a brick when you're bored and sober. It wasn't until I heard about avoidant attachment that SO much stuff made more sense. I thought I might legitimately have low grade autism because I was that bad at identifying and expressing my OWN feelings.
my therapist and I just discussed my avoidant + detached nature. this video has been a great follow up and so well timed 🙌
I just discovered this has been my attachment style went down a rabbit hole and landed on this video. THANK YOU 🙏🏼
Me too
I've always been dissociated from my body, for many years now. My own appearance looks different to me every day.
mine too
Same, I learned only recently it was "normal" or at least "okay" to feel this way (I mean they say it's not dangerous)
@@julesclarke6140 mindfulness meditation helps
Thank you so much for making this video: short and sweet.
Everything you said sounds so on the mark & possible.
I look forward to living, healthy and having secure attachments for the 1st time in 49 years of life.
Really appreciate the focus on fixing and healing instead of drudging up the past which keeps us stuck!
This resonates with me as a dysfunction pattern I need to break..thank you for these tips
I reading these comments and I feel not alone for the first time in my life. I have always thought that I was meant to be like this. Thank you
Your videos are so clear and straight to the point! Excellent content and production values. So easy to follow and use in practical ways to make changes in our lives.
I have an avoidant attachment style and my bf has an anxious attachment style. We've been together for a little over 2 months and I know that he's good for me,, but am I good for him? A lot of our issues arise bc of the way I seem "disconnected". I love him a lot and I know that he deserves the whole universe and more. I want to become better and more secure because I want him to know that he's loved. I'm trying to find more ways to heal so thanks for this vid.
omg you are describing my relationship. How is it going between you too?
Thank youuuu for making a video not just explaining it but talking about how to heal from it
Wow. I just realised one reason why horses are so helpful for healing; they really help me to FEEL.
I was in a relationship with a man for over five years, who had attachment avoidance syndrome, I ended up on medication for anxiety during the last six months. It's very hard being with someone who can't fully commit to you. He actually moved into my house after five years together but couldn't do it and left after just give weeks. It does affect your partner deeply and I'm now with a very secure guy and I'm happy but I always feel sad that my ex will probably never experience a real connection with anyone. So sad.
It is very sad to think someone will never experience love or may end up in old age alone. At the same time, if they become aware of attachment style information and decide not to do anything about it what can you do? Try not to carry that burden for them.
@@OneDanae there’s nothing wrong with never experiencing romantic love. Some people have had certain intense trauma in childhood especially which affects them in adult relationships. But a person does not have to be in a romantic relationship to experience love. There are other various way to experience love in community and friendship relationships for example. There are lots of single men and women around these days and it’s just as valid as a human experience as being coupled. Romantic Relationships are not for everyone. Although I wish for the best for all people to find True happiness and wholeness in life🙏😀
@@analogkid4957 and that is fine but if that’s the case either don’t pursue romantic type relationships or be upfront about who you are when you do 🤷🏾♀️.
@@OneDanae I hear you but sometimes people are unaware that they have avoidant attachment because this disorder usually has roots in childhood trauma and experiences of abuse and neglect during childhood. Most often people may be unconscious of it until it is triggered by a stressful experience such as addictions or a romantic relationship. The trauma in many cases is stored in the body and healing can require years of therapy or support groups such as 12 step support groups. It seems like your ex boyfriend was splintered perhaps. Part of him wanted connection and a romantic relationship inasmuch as he was with you for a few years and he did attempt to move in with you. But part of him was overwhelmed and perhaps unaware of his trauma and extreme fear and anxiety which is difficult to come out of denial and decide to heal it. The point is I think most people even avoidant attachment people desire love and connection in a romantic context after all it’s essential to our humanity. But many avoidant attachment people are either in denial or find themselves with this condition after being triggered by a relationship. The solution then is to stay in the relationship and seek therapy or healing within the relationship or flee the relationship. Obviously your ex decided to flee- he may have either been in denial or just so frightened at his painful feelings of worthlessness and childhood trauma? I’m just evaluating given my own experiences as a man since many men have an especially difficult time owning and feeling their emotions. But many avoidant attachment people are not even aware they have this trauma until they are well into a relationship. I agree though with you. A person who is fully aware they are avoidant attachment should embark on a healing program before they enter a romantic relationship. I wish you the best on your healing path in Life🙏😀.
@@analogkid4957 thank you for your comment. I think you are referring to the poster above me as far as the relationship statement goes. The guy I spoke to didn’t seem to have much going on with his personality or chose not to show it. But he did comment that this behavior was a pattern for him and it was apparent he was not interested in having a conversation about it so I didn’t push it. In any event you sound like a self aware, intelligent person. The guy I dated briefly was very underdeveloped and I felt kind of bad for him. It was obvious he was stuck in a very immature mindset. He was unable to carry on any type of meaningful conversation. There was no rude or cruel ending to the situation. But the last time he ignored me was indeed the last time I was going to give him the opportunity to do so. It’s fine, I’m sure he couldn’t care less and neither could I at this point. I wish you well in your journey as well. As for him, I hope he finds the help he needs, should he ever have the desire to work on himself.
I have Fearful avoidant attachment, combination of Anxious/ Avoidant attachment...can you do a video on that please.
thank you dr. nicole. i felt like you were REALLY rushing on this one. it's an observation, not complaining at all, just an observation. i hope everything is okay and you are not overwhelmed by all the success and are feeling like you HAVE TO put out videos. i hope it will always be organic for you.
Hi Alexis! Thanks for the thoughtful feedback. I am experimenting with shorter format videos, so if you felt that rush it's because I tend to talk and talk and talk... so I was being more deliberate with time. Again, thank you!
@@TheHolisticPsychologist more than kind of you to reply. i like and appreciate when you talk and talk and talk :) but i fully understand what you're trying to do. keep on keeping on. finally, a psychologist not telling/teaching/talking about what/how the world SHOULD be but how the world IS. THANK YOU SO MUCH and thank you to your partner as well. hugs.
I actually appreciated this feedback because it’s given me permission to talk, talk talk! Don’t love the short format, so don’t expect this often :) much love!
Thank you for this video! Most of the time, I see videos on how to deal with an avoidant partner than actually helping one. I understand that it must not be easy to deal with an avoidant attacher but it's also very hard to be one. It's not easy having such difficulty fully connecting with others and feeling like there is nothing you can do to fix the issue.
Never clicked faster to watch a video!! Was about to break up a new relationship ! This is me Dr Nicole!! Thank you alot but the thing is I self sabotage, can't stick to a good habits 😢
Hi! This is very common. It really takes some work to get out of this, but you can do the work. Also check my videos on how to create a habit, mental resistance, and unhealthy family dymanics. You'll gain a lot of clarity from them.
The Holistic Psychologist you are the best thing you ever happened to me mental health Wise !! Send you all the love ❤
Thank you for this. I struggle with this a lot, it gets harder as I get older and I’ve found myself distanced from pretty much all of my friends and family. Quite a lonely road I’m on right now. PS I hope you start a podcast!
You're not alone. How have you been doing now ?
Amazing video! As always! Would love some more inner child guided imagery/meditation 👍❤️
Wow. Yes holistic! Thanks for sharing so simply and well these three steps to begin healing!! To be honest I don't think I 've seen a more straight to the point video on this platform. A true blessing. Once again Big thanks!
Here’s my burning question- do you think half the population are really secure attached? Cause I’m almost 40, and I swear I’ve maybe stumbled across one or two, and I certainly have never dated one.
Maybe u are subconsciously attracting anxious or avoidant attachment people
I'm pretty sure it's way below 50% on a global level, the number of secure persons, otherwise, we wouldn't have so many relationship problems. In a recent study in Hungary for example, it showed that about 30% of the population has secure type attachment style.
😂
@@Kisaris This thought crossed my mind. On the bright side, since this comment I've been in the most secure relationship of my life, so yay for upsides.
My partner has a secure attachment
This feels very relevant to me and thank you so much for sharing. I will try to use these practices in my healing journey.
Thanks Dr Lepera! I just joined Patrick Teahan's healing community since your's was full but I relate so well to your teaching style.
Would really like to see one for anxious and disorganised, would be so so helpful.
I always find myself in long distance relationships. I also identify with insecure avoidant attachment. Do you think the long distance relationships are linked to that?
They can be, yes
you prefer being in long distance relationships only?
THIS IS FUCKING HARD
I appreciate your videos because they clarify most things that is left unsaid, or makes me confused when I read your Instagram posts. Thank you so much, always.
Every video I watch goes over how u might feel with it but not overcoming it
I feel that, is everything good now? Take care
Thank you for this. I found it to be very Succinct and helpful. I really appreciated the way you focused on what the problem is and not all the things that might’ve come along with it or what kind of childhood would lead to this etc. because there’s so many different backgrounds we come from.
Thank you!! I see these few steps making a huge impact in my life!
Thank you for these tips. My heart is breaking for my younger self.
My old man could've just been our neighbor, that's what it felt like growing up, some guy at the kitchen table drinking coffee and working outside, a 1950's " Meet dad by the door and be joyful, seen and not heard".
Never taught me anything or gave me any advice/interaction, leaving the kitchen table verbally frustrated that i couldn't solve my math homework as a kid with the help of a wooden abacus, clear as daylight memories.
This was through the late 90's through the 2000's, the two baskets of kids he made with two different women don't want anything to do with him, that's karma.
Now i suspect i have this condition but not yet diagnosed at age 29, it's hell on my social circle, friends, family and the workplace.
So i keep to myself and my hobbies, weightlifting for a godly body/mental health, learning to work on my car and hanging out with an old friend i've known since 1st grade, that's one of the good things my father did, introducing me to my buddies family etc at a young age and it became my second home that i have the most fond memories from.
Do securely attached people naturally know how they feel? When I went through my spiritual awakening, that's when I felt everything intensely. It was so hard, but it taught me to mindfully pay attention and feel the emotions to let it go. It made me question, am I finally feeling these emotions that everyone else already felt or am I unlocking a new level of emotions that most people don't feel ..
Congratulations! You are healing!
Did u heal... from being an avoident? & how pls ?
I think we naturally know how we feel and always have done, just in the same way as you probably know when you're hungry or tired.
This is good. I'm very big on listening to the body, it's wisdom and learning how to understand it.
What happens if I’m too avoidant to the point that I actually don’t have any friends? I’m being 100% genuine here. Tbh I feel quite free and happy this way though! I’d love to hear your thoughts 💭
I' m just like you. I guess if one day I will happen to want to have close friends maybe I will change, but now I' m happy the way I am, and maybe I' ll stay like that.
Libera Azzurra Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate it. 🙏
Just me Thank you! I feel so much better knowing that I’m not alone. 🙏
I’ve noticed that my astrology links up perfectly with this attachment style. I’d like to experiment if anyone with avoidant attachment would like give me their, time of birth and birth location I would be so grateful. I find it all fascinating
Very much appreciated
Here bc I keep attracting the anxious attachment type, which tells me I’m avoidant. 😶
How do we communicate this experience with our partners? I heard your third point and I would love to hear more. Lately I've felt that chest tightening and emotional numbness as my partner has been falling deeper in love with me and showing me more affection. I loved it at first, but now I feel overwhelmed and feel an urge to run away. But also telling my partner "hey, I feel like running away can you tone it down with your affection?" does not feel right either lol
Exactly what I’m going through
@@adilenecamarena9047 So the last four weeks really escalated with this, but I recently found out about Relationship OCD (R-OCD). I'm going to get screened for it, I really think that's what I've been having! Once I found out about it, a HUGE weight began to lift and I was able to talk to my partner a little bit about it. I told him "in seeking for certainty and security with us, I created insecurity. I want to own that and work on it differently than I have been the last four weeks." I'm sharing that in hopes that it can give you ideas on how to communicate. I'd also suggest looking into R-OCD and see if it fits your experience.
At the beginning of this year,
the man whom I revered as my best friend,
abandoned and betrayed me.
In an instant, just like that, out of the blue...
He discarded and replaced me.
I guess it wasn't real friendship.
I'd like to say it must have been love...
But really, it must have been a trauma bond.
It's been over 8 months,
and I'm still healing...
REMINDER TO SELF:
Life/LOVE
is just trying so hard, doing its very best
to wake you up, out of the prison cell...
You don’t even know you're in!
There are such incredible lessons. Thank you!
You're very welcome!
Just found your work through Lewis Howe’s. I really can relate to your situation growing up and appreciate your input and knowledge.
my family was very loving when I was a child, I’m exactly like the description of being avoidant but I can’t point why. it might’ve been the way my mom taught me or she may have been unstable
This is so helpful! I’m definitely going to try to start putting it to practice
Thanks again dr Nicole. Working on tuning in more to body feelings. I started detaching from my feelings Really young. It’s crazy how much I believed that was totally false. 🙏🏻❤️💝
Every guy I am interested in rejects me or end up rejecting me. I ran away and have anxiety finding things wrongs with guys who wants me or genuinely see things that are wrong and I end up not in a relationship with them.
Whenever the guy who reject me try to come up I ran away or do something stupid. I am tired.
Would this include self sabotage?
yes
I usually have an anxious attachment, but ever since a major heartbreak last year, I’ve found myself getting into an avoidant pattern. Is this a thing that can happen?
Yes yes yes this can definitely happen. When I was younger I had a relationship in which I was always told that I was so needy what was really going on is that I had an anxious attachment style. I guess that traumatized me and now I am a mix between having that needy insecure attachment and then being avoidant. So in my head I’m actually anxious but it comes off as I don’t care or I’m dissociating. So my attachment style definitely changed so we could definitely be happening to you as well.
Yeah my father passed last year. Mot sure if he was killed or accident. I confided with people who I thought was my friend and ended up getting backstabbed. It’s kind of like a baby who crys out for help and eventually stops crying once they see help is never going to come and just shuts off emotionally. Now I’m avoidant but doing a lot Better thank god for therapy and meditating. But I feel turned off emotionally when it comes to people in general.
I feel like it's a constant fight within my self to do the right thing vs how I feel. It truly is a tug and pull within myself. He's an anxious attachment. How can we find stability?
Can you do a video on the opposite of this? It often feels like I feel my emotions too much and am very easily attached.
I can't have a relationship :(
Does it works if I write my emotions instead of talking to someone? My family and friends avoid me like the plague if I try to talk anything about mental health and emotions.
you can find some other people to share your emotions with :) The 1st choice would definitely be a therapist. If for some reason it is not optional for you, you can share your thoughts with me if you want. I'm dismissive avoidant too so I completely get the struggle
Is there a difference between losing interest in your partner and being or becoming avoidant later in the relationship? How could someone differentiate between the feelings of losing interest and behaviors of an avoidant ?
yeah, that's a good question
Excellent question
Thais Gibson answers that we'll when she describes Dismissive avoidants in the different stages of a relationship. They think they don't love the person any more when feelings settle down, instead of recognising that their fears of getting closer or of commitment expectations have made them switch off their feelings.
Dissociating by watching youtube
Youre such a blessing
Can you make a video about "how to heal anxious attachment" please?🙏🏻✨
Thank you for this I have just realized I pushed away one girl after 5 years (I felt the time of marriage would come), and another who I loved so much after 4 months. I always just said they were both (co)dependents, which is true anyway, but now I also see that I ended actually both relationships. Since I don't want to be a codependent relationship, I consider that two okay, but I definitely want to heal my dismissing avoidant attachment, because who knows when I meet the One, right? I'll do it. Love!
I have been doing daily yoga for weeks and have noticed a difference
can you go over how to heal insecure anxious attachment?
Please make a similar video on " how to heal anxious attached style "❤️
Omg here I am learning how to heal avoidant attachment cuz I went from anxious to avoidant 😂❤ message to me: you're doing great babe i love you .
Thank god for this compassion
Do you have a video for how to heal Insecure Anxious?
It feels like when I share my feelings or emotions, that I will get in trouble, or get yelled at (this is completely unrealistic) but speaking my feelings makes me feel incredible anxiety,
So good I had to to replay!
Glad you enjoyed it!
Thank you for this ! So many videos on the attachment as style but never say how to fix it 😂
Thank you for this video!! This is exactly what I needed
So useful! Thank you so much for sharing! You & the information you share never fail to inspire & motivate me! It feels absolutely amazing to have resources such as your channel & IG to help me on my journey! Thank you!! Thank you!! Thank you!! Infinitely grateful for you & your work! #selfhealers 💖
I truly connect to this, ty
Why do you think avoidant attachment need healing? perhaps you should heal the co-dependant to be self reliant.
Avoidant is as unhealthy as code pendent. Healthy relationships are interdependent....two independent people who look out for each other and are able to share vulnerability.
Scary isn't it!
Thank you for this video. My grandma was my primary care-giver soon after I was born as my mom was too busy with work. I always feel insecure in a community, and in any relationship. Also I don't know why I keep attracting emotionally clingy people. Could you offer more advice on that?
Hi, I am avoidant. I do not have a hard time doing all this with friends, but only when thinking to flirt, I cannot engage or I can do this only when it has to do with business. When I want to flirt, I don't know what to say and do! So, I need help to relax and learn how to socialize with girls that I am interested in, keeping up with a conversation, a flow. Do you have any recommendation?
Do you have any videos on disorganized attachment or fearful avoidant? I haven’t been able to find any and thought I might just be missing them
Thank you so much!! It's a hard journey, but it feels so good to know that change is possible, depending on us. love love love from europe!
this was so helpful thankyou so much
Thank you so much for the video! Can I tell to the parter that he has an avoidant attachment?
Amazing, as always.
I'm just learning tonight that I am an avoidant
Can you have more than one pattern? I find myself with 2.
Yep! you can
Have you done a video on healing from anxious attachment style? I can’t find it for some reason.