The Self-Improvement Paradox: When Getting Better Makes You Feels Worse
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- Опубликовано: 27 май 2024
- What do you do when trying to improve your life makes you feel worse? What if trying to be better comes across as ‘try-hard’? What if setting more goals is just your way of avoiding your own bullshit?
This is the topic of discussion in today’s episode, “The Self-Improvement Paradox”-or in other words, why sometimes trying to be better makes you feel worse. It turns out improving yourself is nuanced and complicated.
Who would have thought?
Check it out.
00:00:00 | Introduction
00:01:37 | Question #1: When is improving yourself being try-hard?
00:10:35 | Question #2: How do you balance improving yourself with accepting yourself?
00:20:14 | Question #3: Is too much self-esteem really that big of a problem?
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Intro Song: "Throne" by Bring Me The Horizon
License ID: ZeN3g87DNDd
lickd.lnk.to/rg0NtqID!Mark+Ma...
Oh hi Mark.... 😅
Next episode 45 minutes of trying hard to be liked?
Hi Mark! Please interview Tom, the founder of Breaking the Chains ( @breakingthechainsinternati1881 ) ! It would be an amazingly inspiring interview of someone who has saved many lives!
hi doggy
“It’s bullshit, I did not hit her. I did nooot. Oh hi, Mark!”
I never heard of The Room either
"You are perfect as you are, and you can always be better" very good quote
No man, if you have mental problems that isn’t being perfect. I hate this idea since it makes people not want to work at all
I would prefer, "you are ok as you are and you can always be better". Nothing is perfect
For me, it is a bad quote because of the word 'perfect'. Perfect means there is no room for improvement; something without flaws, so by definition, it can not be better. The quote would (ironically) be better with another word like 'ok' as the guy above me said or perharps you are 'good' as you are but you can always be better
Yup, I got tired of healing my traumas. That was when I became happy. I decided that I had "healed enough". It's not neccessary to heal every single trauma. I accepted that i'm not perfect, with some unhealed traumas and it was ok. Amazingly after that, I started working on my life, started setting long term goals and working towards my personal success. Not that i didn't tried to work on personal success before, but it just never worked out because i felt so broken and worthless inside me and this sabotaged all my efforts. But now, i finally feel that i can get there while having my inner peace.
That's so inspiring and it makes me really happy to know that people like you can make it out of that darkness this way. I have friends who struggle with their trauma and I always felt helpless when trying to come up with ways to help them. Now thanks to you I know that overcoming the mental traps that traumas bring about is possible. Thanks again for sharing that.
im in the same boat but i havent ever thought of "healed enough". you just blew my mind. thank you
"I`m already good-enough - so why not to improve?" - i feel like it`s the best mindset to adopt that very few people have.
Getting into self improvement is of course a great thing. But a common mind trap that everyone gets stuck with is learning EVERYTHING, but not applying anything. This is a great video.
Facts. I have a friend who always wants to learn the textbook of doing rather than the actual doing. Because of this she hasn't gotten her driver's license yet because nobody can answer her on how to merge lanes on the overpass.
Because they you know more of the things you're not doing well enough.
I am 100% an extrovert. I love spending my time with the people i love, meeting new people etc. I had a massive panic attack inside a train that turned to an anxiety disorder and agoraphobia. From a 10 minute event i went from attending to social stuff to sweating, while crossing the road. I experienced failure in my social, personal and professional life, because of that. I didn't accept my new circumstances, using the phrase 'I should have been just fine out there' and that kept me from dealing with my new problem. Accepting you have to congratulate yourself and be proud, because you went for a walk and everything went fine contains a certain amount of 'humiliation', but it's the way to improve. I still struggle many times, but i gained huge amounts of self compassion. Congratulate yourselves for the 5 minute workout, for that one healthy meal, for any move you thought it won't matter.
Hey!! I just loved your answer. It gave me a real depth look inside my situation with self compassion. Self compassion is so important, the world twists and we can be on the top of the world and suddenly be on the bottom. Self compassion is absolutely necessary to recover and feel happy where we are at the moment. Struggle to be better also good but we can't forget Self compassion. I wish the best to you!!! Take care and for today let's hug ourselves with Self compassion
@@marianajunqueira9432 Hello! Thank you for your kind words. I wish the best to you too 😄
I had something similar happen to me. Used to be a really confident teenager and just lost it because of something that happened to me. Sucks. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy because it made me feel like a loser and got all insecure about it. Good thing I did, because I went from an arrogant prick and learnt some humility real quick having to spend a few years trying to get over it. I’m not as energetic as I used to be, but I’ve got the good parts back and ditched the bad in the end. Good luck mate.
This comment really spoke to me... Best of luck on your journey
@@luck3yp0rk93 Creating something better out of our pain, is power. Take care!😃
My self worth is not determined by how good i am at things, but being good at something makes me happier
My answer to second question would be that you need to love yourself as you are, but you have to also admit your problems and aim to solve them, but in doing so you need to be kind to yourself and accept that it might take time, more time that you would want it to take and that's fine. Self-improvement is a journey, not a destination.
Journey Before Destination
The zen paradox that you mention applies to the body as well. Your body's movement is wired for perfection (the ideal way to move is inherent in how we are built) but we are also moving as perfectly and efficiently as we possibly can with the constraints of our injuries, experiences, patterns and mannerisms. We like to say that we are wonky or walk funny or have imbalances. But the nervous system has provided your best possible and most perfect way of moving around despite life having happened to you. Bodies are amazingly adaptable.
In school I was awarded with the Perfect Attendance Award as well as being in the Honor Roll and Super Honor all throughout my entire school life. Yet I still feel very lonely and I have a low self-esteem and low self-worth with myself since I realized that after I made a mistake it seemed like no one wants to be around me and made me seem like I was the worse person on the planet. So I just left everyone alone while at the same time try to do everything right just so I won't get harshly punished again.
Perfect Attendance - my condolences.
First time I saw someone get this award I felt horrified that he'd never experienced the joy of not having to be around the rest of us.
Not a day missed K-8 😢
Sorry that you feel the need to isolate so you're not making people angry at you.
Would it help to know that many of us have developed this tactic?
Sounds like golden child syndrome
Attendance is often such a shit metric to base praise or condemnation of a child on. In most cases you’re praising the already privileged and punishing the kids with crappy parents
@@Muggins1046 Even with perfect attendance, I was still doing well at school. Even though my homeroom teacher in the 4th Grade wasn't nice to me and half of my classmates hated me. I didn't tell my parents because I didn't want to be labeled a tattletail, so I just delt with it on my own because it seems like whenever I made a mistake everyone hated me. That's when I decided that in order for everyone to not hate me, I would leave everyone alone, do exactly as I'm told, and speak unless spoken too so that no one would hate me.
The best creator on this platform.
Listening to you comforts me so much. I don't know exactly why but it puts me at ease. Maybe it's the stuff you've gone through that makes me feel I'm not alone. You feel like a big brother who's there for you.
I'm watching this podcast at the perfect time. I just got out of a relationship where I tried very hard to grow and improve for the other person. And while I did make marked improvements in social skills and emotional regulation, I frequently felt miserable and incompetent. It is such a relief to accept that I'm not great at everything, and that I can be the one who chooses what I want to work on.
"You're perfect as you are, and you can always be better." Damn, that slaps.
Whole episode, honestly, glad I checked this podcast out.
Mark. A hero we don’t deserve, but actually need right now.
Determining what is a *priority* I feel is how you decide where you need to lean in terms of self acceptance or improvement. If you’re unable to be or accomplish something, the higher the priority is, the more you need to lean towards improvement. Being a better parent or partner is a higher priority than say being a better Elden Ring speedrunner. Like “are the sacrifices of improvement greater or less than the sacrifices of acceptance?”
We all have stories in our minds about how we should behave. What I found helpful for me is not to try and change my behavior but to change the story in my mind about how I should behave. Love your work Mark!
part of the answer (my answer) is that it is hard to judge yourself objectively, and doubly hard in areas where your experience is low or nil, such as specific self-improvement. This is seen in the fact that every time I set out a TIMED project which I have not completed before, be it re-glazing a broken window, or analyzing a data set for remapping to a new database structure, I have to estimate the time needed then DOUBLE it to be close to accurate.
Mark you're one of best and realest RUclips podcasters.
The answer of the second question is mindblowing ! Best answer I have ever heard on that topic, love it !
Sometimes the more improved you become, the worse those around you start to appear. Maybe losing some friends is for the best. Still sucks tho.
According to many spiritual teachers, including Eckhart Tolle, self-esteem is part of the egoic self. There's a video about it here on YT, somewhere.
I refer back to it whenever I hear another discussion because to me he makes total sense of it. I think it's called "The Problem of Self-esteem".
You cannot imagine how much you've helped this 55-year-old LatinAmerican woman living in Argentina. It's incredible. Thanks so much.
Wow you have no idea how much your comment means to this 69 year old air conditioner salesman living under a bridge
From my experience with self-improvement, I think it boils down to the reasoning behind what you're trying to improve. When I initially tried to quit alcohol, my motivation behind it wasnt accepting I had a problem but instead, "I want to quit drinking because I think it'll help me lose weight and if I lose weight I'll look better and go on more dates" when I finally accepted I had an internal behavior issue with drinking, I was able to approach that goal with a more focused and determined drive. I am now two years alcohol free. I thought for the longest time, my issue with dating was my personal appearance. I accept that there are probably certain physical attributes (some I can't change and some I accept I wont change) that make me less attractive in the larger pool of what people find attractive but internally I also recognize that I had attachment issues, lacked confidence and had a lazy approach. While I've accepted that I won't be a casanova, my acceptance of who I am at the core gives me confidence & motivation to improve how I communicate with people and present my most authentic self.
Go watch "The Room" --- I was also disappointed you didn't get the reference. 🤣 Great videos, as always!
Oh hi Mark!
0:58 Mark, that's cap!... you're never wrong about anything. Great video man.
I wonder why we need to feel we are not good enough at something in order to invest time in it. Why should a sense of "lacking" motivate me rather than a sense of wish. Self-improvement does indeed contain the subtle assumption that I am not good enough and this is why the self-improvement term is a self defeating term in the first place. One can learn to know themselves and spend time in therapy, not because they are not good enough, but because they enjoy the process of self discovery. No one "needs" improvement I think. But we can all change if we want to.
The subtle art of referencing The Room.
I feel like this is, by far, your best video. Who the hell am I to say, right? But I sometimes feel like your channel has the potential to be better than similar channels that have a lot more views and subscribers. Your content lately can feel kinda (sorry!) "try-hard", a term referenced in this video. Some of the interviews, especially.
Paradoxically ; ) this felt like the least try-hard and most authentic and selflessly revealing video you've made (that I've seen). You guys went beyond all the usual self-improvement tropes and, ironically, gave a lot of f's about helping people in the best, most empathic way. Just so damn good...
Hey Mark, just a random comment about how much better you look right now compared to a couple of years ago just from the youtube previews alone. Your dedication, It shows, you are amazing.
I found this exploration So encouraging - especially the way both you and Amy handled yourselves.. truly enquiring minds.. looking for essence. Big smiles
26:46 Also, self-esteem is topic-based. I might have great self-esteem in a topic or environment, but awful when under other circumstances.
As a Brazilian is always a happy touch to see you reference us!
The right way to think about self improvement is that you want specific goal or achievement is outcome or process itself and not means to happiness, self-worth and self-acceptance
Too many guys are doing whatever to try and catch up with someone else. Me, I think of it as process improvement. I want to be better in my situation so I educate myself in ways to do so and try new things to add experiences to my collection.
I love how informative this channel is.
“How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself?”
- Epictetus
What is that actually mean ?
About the social skill section: i think some (including me in the past) believe that once you get to step four (unconscious competence) in their social life, you stay at step four. I personally have to go through all four steps once in a while or when I go to a new place, i learned to get to step four quicker and quicker each time but awkwardness is still pretty common. Hopefully one day I learn to be step four with everyone lol
Mark you’re shaping up physically. Looks good. Always liked your content too. Keep it up!
He eliminated ethanol from his diet
Your video is amazing! Watching your video made me feel a lot, although I`m Chinese. I`m into Korean drama so much and I watched "Crash Landing On You" yesterday, which makes me want to know more about the history of North and South Korea. As you said, it`s like a combination of Confucianism and capitalism. I like your video so much; it gives me a deeper understanding!
Hey Mark! Please make more such videos ! That really helps me to discover myself and unleash my potential! Though i have already your channel , still I frequently check your channel whether you have published another video or not! Love from Bangladesh 🥰
That Buddhist saying reminds me very much of the Eastern Orthodox Christian principle and saying "come as you are and be transformed".
Love you Mark Manson
First episode. Really enjoyed the rapport you and Drew have. This was really nice.
6:30 i think I've been stuck in conscious incompetence for 40 years 🤔
Edit: this is a great podcast episode. Linking self esteem to self improvement is a big deal. My self esteem is a rollercoaster, and sometimes self improvement is fun, sometimes horrid, but i usually force myself to do it (not always, sometimes run away from my problems). So it must be linked to resilience too
Thank you Mark Manson❤
the room, best movie evaaa!!
There's no question about it. If you put off doing something that you believe you should do, most often, it's because it's painful. Personally, even though I know I should work on certain things, it just makes me feel utterly depressed doing it. Doesn't mean I shouldn't do it. But yeah, work is almost defined by willingly doing something that's depressing, stressful and painful.
In French, we say "travail" which is said to come from the latin word "tripalium", an alleged instrument of torture used to punish slaves in ancient Rome
Well, with that attitude towards it, it's no wonder it's torture.
@@StudlyStudmuffin Deluding yourself into thinking that it's going to be a joyride isn't helpful either. I'm not saying this applies to everyone but yeah
Mark's sarcasm is far too on point for an American 😄
You look a lot healthier than before Mark. You lost weight and your face looks better. Congrats 🎉
A friend and I were discussing something similar to the first question yesterday. The book How to Win Friends and Influence People is a bit of taboo in itself. People who should read it are embarrassed to read it in public because they would be showing other people that they are inept in social skills. On the other hand, people who are sure in themselves would likely have less concern about what other people would think if they saw them reading the book in public. It's weird if you think about it.
This is a true point and I think the subtle art of not giving a f*ck really helps drill this point about feeling comfortable and confident in what you do home
I have this book.
Brazil mentioned!
I’ve been told I’m ‘fucking wonderful’ and it’s hard to not let that go to your head 😂
They were probably selling you something.
@@StudlyStudmuffin lol it’s one of my best friends 😝
Another look at the self acceptance vs improvement is if it is coming from a place of lacking or expansion, in less woo-woo terms are you doing it because you dont want to feel a certain way or are you running from something; or are you doing it because you enjoy getting better at it even if it involves discomfort
❤ thank you Mark.. you look great by the way 😉
Big BMTH fan. The song kinda suits Mark's discussion topic well.
Loved this video! Keep up the awesome work 😎
My perfectionist ass needed this reminder mark!! Thank you
The best of all time ❤❤
I love this podcast
Sounds similar to how I've talked about housework or janitorial work (have done both!) the more you clean up and organize things,the more you see needs to be done. It can seem hopeless, but the pests need to not show up! A bit of tidying and diatomaceous Earth in places does the job. Too much of one or the other still keeps the bugs away, but can look bad.
Re: the self esteem issue , i dont know if you have seen Alain DeBotton RUclips channel , School of Life , or his lectures .
He points out ,( perhaps its participation trophy culture, ) that the self help books genre seems to be divided into two groups , "How To Be A Millionaire in your sleep" Think Like A CEO, or the general attitude told to kids "You can be anything if you work hard" which leads to the other books "How To Fix Low Self Esteem and Negativity" when it doesnt happen
Something that might be interesting to look into is how larger socio economy structures effect the idea of self esteem and why the topic may have been so popular to handle the spill over of issues that are more class based. I have heard before that poverty has a huge influence on self esteem so I have to wonder why it became so popular in the 60s and 70s. Could it be because as culture became more integrated due to civil rights advocacy it made the disconnect between social classes more obvious in different ways. I could see the backlash being a push to find solve issues internally instead of externally.
This was a great talk thanks guys!
4:58 is a good point!!
I think a lot of self improvement comes from comparison, and that’s the fine toxic line that we tow
interesting discussion about self esteem and life outcomes.
11:23 Just the fact that she is asking those questions makes her 100x more attractive as a person to me.
Well said, both of you. I agree that self esteem and narcissism can look similar, but can being over confident be a form of narcissism? Or a form of self esteem?
Mark I just want to say that you are so handsome! You’re the most amazing human-being on planet earth and it’s so unfair that there aren’t millions of people in the streets screaming your name every day. I need an autograph please 🙏🙏
You said it when I was reminded of it. We covertly probe all new joiners with the perfection delusion just as a small test of narcissist personality disorder.
I love your videos !!!
Hi Mark! 😅 Thank you
Mark is literally the most mature person i "know". Still think your take o Jimmy is perfect! Seeing ppl like Jimmy as mental health issue is Just Very bad. Looks like everything ia a a mental health problem now😅
If i am in a profession where i have to read everyday to remember or revise or revisit peices of information....that i know im going to forget and feel whats the point when im anyway going to forget...what i read after a while and have to keep coming back to it(im a medical student...and i wanna be the best in my line...but wjat efforts i put is it even getting anywhere...i cant remeber stuff...i forget what i read...especially things we are forced to remeber that we dknt usually apply...
I think the idea of the last question pretty much being "I have made unverified assertions you are wrong and how are you going to adjust to my worldview?" is a pretty narcisisstic thing for her to assert.
My social skills typically alternate between S1 & S2.
Veeeery occasionally I'm S4, but remain unaware of it until others point it out after the fact.
Dude 20 million books sold intro please ❤❤❤
Thanks for sharing. Polar opposites can sometimes seem true as is the case here. I like to think of it as nourishment. A certain amount of self improvement is needed at regular intervals.
At work my boss has a stack of self improvment books on his desk, which I find nauseating to be honest. The point is that reading these books only works if people take action rather than has a stack of them to look good. When i read books I'll write in a journal maybe three good points to go and live by.
Love from India mark❣️❣️
i always think if there was a way to get better will a self improvement channel tell me how ,how would a business keep making profit keep selling books and gym hoodies if a person is not in a cycle, and maybe it's not as easy and people are really trying to help idk
Nice style 🇧🇷
Read the Tao Te Ching good people. Action through non-action.
I despise the term “try-hard”. As if there’s something wrong with trying hard
There is. Do it or don't it. Fuck trying. You are unaware of the paradox
@@JaysonT1Depends on what you mean by trying
"Trying too hard to impress people without the genuine requisite credentials" is shortened down to "try-hard".
Fake.
Braggart.
are other applicable terms to the general concept
You are enough ❤
The difference between a narcissist and high self-esteem is with a narcissist they have the disease but you have all the symptoms.
I don’t know the room as well 😅
A question to you, Mark....
Do you view yourself as a "successful person"?
I kinda wanna see a video about that
By watching this video am I being a tryhard who is trying to be a not tryhard?
Feeling worse on a self improvement journey, could be considered as sort of birth pains?
But you're very damn handsome ; - ; also I needed this... I'm literally on Day 2 in my to become a Superstar in 3 years series just to force me out of depression as well as inspire others who had been broken and hopeless and scared of the world to also get out of their shell.. I'd rather feel bad getting better rather than feeling bad as I get worse!
I didn't go to therapy until I was in my 50s. Now I wish that I went decades earlier
Videolar juda zôr❤
Oh 😳 Hi Mark ‼️
The Fuck book lol 🤣
I'm not good enough as I am, I know it and It's ok. It's me
Ohhh hey Mark 😂 10:00
i have been reading the book “high performance habits” and even contacted the consultant. however the word “success” is so heavy and tiring for me . i was actually annoyed by the positivity and upbeat peach the 6week challenge aka mentor session. has anyone seen the animation “soul” ? what if our purpose our passion is life ; our purpose and passion is just living. and we are enough
Hey Mark I agree what you saying but how can a person let go his/her neediness, like someone needs friends or people around him even though those people are creating more trouble, more pain and being toxic n its affect your personality like having anxiety attack and all how to stand up on your feet again and again because life is just throwing shit on you and you are getting tiered of fighting all the time like really tiered. like is there any way to endure because i think it will keeping throwing it.
Brazil jersey! ❤