The Pillars of Conflict Resolution: 1) 2:20 - Have a culture of appreciation and affection in your relationship. 2) 4:36 - Create a safe place for your partner to be honest and vulnerable about any unmet needs, hurts, feelings, or complaints. 3) 9:12 - Identify actual feelings and needs (with lists of words that are actual feelings and needs). 4) 13:09 - Express yourself with respectful vulnerability (have a framework for having hard discussions). 5) 19:37 - Validate your partner even if you don't agree with their feelings. 6) 26:44 - Set and communicate healthy boundaries around conflict (and understand your partner's boundaries). 7) 28:10 - Take accountability for and repair old hurts.
Common words/phrases we need to use to express our feelings (thanks Jimmy): ashamed embarrassed humiliated rejected neglected abandoned frustrated angry disrespected afraid overwhelmed worried confused pressured blamed lonely unheard sad hurt misunderstood hopeless disconnected
i feel all of these , but its over anyways, he discarded me while i was pregnant and shifted all the blame on me without empathy totally lacking self reflect, i was demonized cuz of my anger which was a reaction from me to his dissmissive avoidant toxic behaviour mistreating me to the point where i became powerless and desperate, then betrayed.
I’m not going to read another book on love and relationships again. I’m just going to go back and watch this video. It really packs the wisdom of a whole book.
In the past, I was defensive and dismissive of your feelings. I would shut down because I felt overwhelmed and attacked. But I now realize that you weren’t trying to shame me; you were trying to express how you felt loved and valued. I can see that when I would shut down or defend myself, I left you feeling abandoned and alone. I am so sorry; that was wrong. It makes sense why you didn’t feel safe to be vulnerable, but I want to change that. I want to do everything I can to repair this and learn how to show up for you because that’s what you deserve.
I have conversations like this with my partner, but a problem arises that he doesn’t trust me or believes it’s an overnight change. When I mess up the slightest during moments I feel overwhelmed, it all comes crashing down and it’s like I never try at all.
As someone who is recently single after a 3-year relationship, I wish we had been better at these techniques...things might have ended up differently. Thank you providing this education for free.
I also love when you say “the story I am telling myself”. I think that is such a nice way to express yourself because you are admitting your point of view and that it may not be reality.
Jimmy, Thank you for turning what must have been a very difficult situation for you and your family into something that is helping the rest of us learn how to build a healthy relationship. Thank you!
How Jimmy talks. Is how my wife and I both behave. I’m 70 years old. We both have each other’s back. 44 years together is easy. Alls you need is love. ❤️
When you ask to have a conversation about something you would like to share and they tell you they don't have time for that but they don't offer a time when you can talk.
Yeah, this is my situation. I've gotten pretty good on the listening and validation. I've gotten over the long learning curve, and probably did some damage in that process. Now, it's going the other direction. I'm the one losing trust from the disconnection and rejection of repair attempts. She's now diving into the phone 90% of the time instead of engaging. I think she might be gone, but she can't find the bravery to admit it or engage in repair. My expression of feelings immediately causes her defensive measures. Thanks, Jimmy.
@@anoncspan4129 I'm very sorry. Sometimes we do so much damage over so many years that there is nothing left. I finally left my 22 year marriage after I tried over and over to connect with my husband and he just took for granted I'd always be there (even though I expressed my concern that one day I'd lose feelings for him and it would be too late). Well that day finally came. We agreed to separate. I felt relief. He was hit with regret a few months later and tried to reconcile but it was too late.
I have realized that even when you think you're being mindful, situations still occur like: He says he doesn't want to call the dentist because they won't be understanding again, and instead of first acknowledging that he's scared, you respond with, "What's so bad about making a quick call?"
Ya absolutely, but with enough consistency we can recognize even in hindsight “hey, what I said earlier, I think I unintentionally invalidated you, sorry about that”
Wow! Another incredibly powerful video. Why are most of those authentic feelings not on the famous “feelings wheel”. You list off the REAL FEELINGS I feel. Thank you again Jimmy!
I really appreciate that you tell us how to say things and what healthy vs. unhealthy responses look like as well as the root of these reactions. Well done. Very helpful.
Thank you for this post. I kept thinking that these insights can be applied to any close relationship. I have narcissistic parents and have recently gone no contact, a decision I never thought I’d have the strength to make. I’d never considered that no contact could actually be a boundary but it makes sense. After years of therapy and personal work and growth, the only thing left to preserve my emotional and psychological well being was to step away. You have a gift in how you communicate and I continue to learn and grow from your content. Thank you for what you do!
As a partner, we should be listening for the hurts while they speak. I think this is a turning point for me! And if I share this with my husband, I hope that he will stop trying to fix all of my problems or just sit, numbly, listening, but if I suggest this to him, maybe he can try to listen for what I am feeling. It would be a good assignment for him to try.because what we are doing right now isn’t working
Great stuff. I've learned that compassion is key - both for yourself and for your partner. And our therapist calls the practice of making that space in which to safely hear each other without blame or whatever a "grace bubble"....still working on reacting to triggers by getting in the grace bubble.
Greatly appreciate your short on "communication" with a narcissist. Please share any research/studies that prove this. I advocate in this space to mitigate harm to the children born into these relationships.
Wow, so much helpful material and all for free!! Thank you, Jimmy. What about topic of How to get out of a vicious circle when you can see what and how is your relationship dying but you are the only one trying to find ways to fix it and you're slowly but surely just loosing any interest?
YES!!! Secure relationship, trauma, communication etc... information, teachings, lessons, tools and skills, to heal from trauma and to improve on relationship interactions, communication and help develop a secure self! I feel like we are in an epidemic and most people don't realize it... even though there is so much evidence... divorce, school shootings, suicide, hate, division....
Thank you very much for this video. It's one of the best I've so far seen here on RUclips. Your advice works on all kinds, types, and levels of relationships. It can apply to parent-child, friends, colleagues, siblings, etc. Unfortunately, some people don't have words or vocabulary to express themselves. Therefore, they turn to other means of communication, sadly but more often into violence or shutting down until they explode. On the other hand, there are people who don't want to invest time or energy to improve. It is very time-consuming and painful, and it would probably be better to see an easier and faster way out. I heard statements like, "I am who I am, just deal with it! You can't change me!" Once again, thank you! ❤
If anyone is doubting this and has ever had a positive conversation with an ex (regardless of the outcome) you probably have had an example where this is worked. Talking about why you drifted apart or why one of you sought out another partner or whatever it was. Having that discussion self reflectively and honestly (possibly for the first time between you both) feels good. It fills you with hope. Practice that with your partner, not just your ex
im not okay currently im losing the love of my life because i stopped chasing her and lost what we had by not focusing on her i came across your video today talking about how theres a "history of past pain." and it really hit home with me im afraid its too late. im not okay with it.
Tell her all of that. You have to open yourself up to/be vulernable to a big hurt, to get the big reward. A mutually healthy, happy, loving relationship and wonderful life. Don't mistake that for it will be the result every time, but there is no chance otherwise.
How do I establish an agreement with someone who doesn’t keep his promises or respect my boundaries? I don’t want a divorce but I’m truly at a place where I don’t know what to do to move forward? Thank you so much for all your videos! They have helped me so much! I watch many of them daily and generally repeatedly. You are so kind and gentle in the way you express and so clear. Thank you again for your experiences!
I have a friend. I brought up my hurt feelings during one interaction. Their response was "I just do not know what to say to you". I conclude they NEED to avoid their feeling to feel safe. I have observed they have a multiple year history of avoiding feelings. Since I care for them, I am not bringing up my feelings again. I now know they NEED to avoid feelings to feel safe. This is just the shallow level of friendship they can tolerate.
Or, maybe you have learned how to backbite and nitpick when you grew up, and they learned how to just be ok with life and how other people do life differently than you do. If you understood that it is not your responsibility to tell other people how they should live their lives, you would be a happier person, and you would embrace different personalities or cultures as a valid way of going through life. But, you are being validated by this guy in thinking that it is your right to tell other people how they should react to the things you feel. Definitely tell people how you feel, but be mature enough to hear them say, “I feel differently about it” and then move on.
@@samuelpayne5460 OUCH! I am curious why you choose the reply language you did. Did you really mean to say I was backbiting and nitpicking? That sounds judgmental and not factual. What where you needing when you wrote that? Did you need some one to listen to your feelings about being the recipient of backbiting and nitpicking? Did you really mean to say " tell other people how they should live their lives'? I certainly did not mean to imply those in my post. My intent was to point out how it takes two for successful communication. And since my friend can not tolerate the internal pain honest communication causes; I choose to allow him his space. Unfortunately his need results in a shallow friendship between us. And yes this is because I need a more honest communication than he does. To me this seems I am allowing him space to be who he has decided to be. What where your needs when you wrote your " right to tell other people how they should react" in your reply? Do you wish someone would listen to you and validate your different way of living than the listener?
@@woodrowsmith8065 as far as the backbiting goes, you felt the need to tell a bunch of strangers how you were “wronged” for sympathy (tell me I’m wrong about this, but you have told this story to other people that know you and the individual without the individual knowing. This is why I suspect backbiting). To address the nitpicking. When the reply is, “I don’t know what you want me to say”, it is actually him/her saying, “I don’t understand why you’re upset about this”. I think our ancestors spent their entire lives working and “fighting” nature that the need to find something to “fight” is engrained in us. Now that we really don’t have anything “real” to fight, we create circumstances that don’t matter to fight. Look at what “hurt your feelings”. Did it inhibit your ability to get food? Did it inhibit your ability to have clothes? Did it inhibit your ability to go places? Or, did your “ancestral need to fight” rear its head because he/she said or did something that you didn’t like (i.e. he/she does things differently than you do).
I tried to post, but it doesn’t seem to have taken. So, sry if this posts twice. To address the backbiting, you gave little to no details to address how your friend hurt your feelings, and he/she replied with, “I don’t know what you want me to say”. Tell me if I’m wrong about this, but I suspect you have told this story to other people that know both of you without this individual knowing (which is backbiting). To address the nitpicking. Ancestrally, we as a people have had something to “fight” (usually the forces of nature). Now that we don’t have anything to fight, we create things to fight. Did his/her comment keep you from being able to eat, loss of housing, loss of clothing, loss of ability to transportation? Or, was it an issue of him/her doing things differently than you would have done them.
@@samuelpayne5460 Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate your perspective on the situation between my friend and me. From your response, I suspect you find the specific details of what happened important. I see it differently. While we can talk about the events, the reasons behind them, and debate whether they were right or wrong, I believe that pulls us away from the heart of the matter-the feelings involved. What I wanted to focus on were my feelings and my friend’s feelings, because to me, that's the core issue. For example; if my friend told a degrading joke disparing my attire in public or physically started beating on me in public-though these are extreme examples that didn’t happen-both would make me feel degraded. In either case, I would feel that my emotions and safety didn’t matter to my friend. No one needs to agree with my feelings, just hear them and not discount that these are my valid feelings. Regarding your point about "backbiting" and the suspicion that I may have shared this story with others without my friend knowing, I want to clarify that this is not the case. I’ve have only discussed this directly with my friend. I used the incident here simply to illustrate my point. I can sense your concern about backbiting and how much it bothers you. How do you feel when you hear this? As for your thoughts on nitpicking, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Our ancestors had to fiercely compete for survival, and often, only one person could come out on top while others were left without. You're right that in today's world, losing out in those competitions doesn’t threaten our survival in the same way. However, I’m not sure how this ties into the feelings at play in my situation. My friend made certain choices-again, I feel the specifics don’t matter-and those choices made me feel like my feelings didn’t matter to him. When I expressed how I felt, his response confirmed that he wasn’t interested or able to talk about feelings-his or mine. He could only react to the situation, not engage with the emotional aspect. This is the point I was trying to convey. When it comes to the video, I think we both agree on the idea that unresolved feelings tend to fester. The video assumes that both people involved in an interaction want to work through their feelings and strengthen the relationship. But in some cases, like mine, only one person may want that. My friend either couldn’t or didn’t want to acknowledge the emotional side of our interaction. I took that as his way of expressing his need to avoid discussing feelings. I chose to respect his need. I found this was a good enough way for me to resolve my own feelings about the situation.
My husband is always telling me that I don’t want to talk about anything, but after watching Jimmy so much I would like to say “yes, I avoid talking, but why is that?” Because the truth is it always has to be his way, he’s always right, and I end up feeling scared and sad and like I’m the worst. So of course I don’t want to talk about anything with him. I used to, but it just doesn’t work with him.
1) 2:06 You won’t feel close to someone if you don’t feel like they care about how you feel loved. 2) 2:30 When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause, it is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness… 4:00 The couples that thrive (the research shows) are the couples that: a) intentionally make deposits into each other’s emotional bank account b) look out for ways to serve each other and sacrifice for each other in the ways their partner feels loved most c) prioritise emotional responsiveness. 3) 4:55 In 80% of relationships one partner primarily brings up the vast majority of concerns or feelings and the other partner has this attitude of “Why can’t we just exist together? Why do we need to bring these things up? Don’t you feel like you’re making too big a deal out of this?” That’s like pouring gasoline on the fire. They’re going to either: 1) Escalate, as that triggers their fears around being abandoned, feeling alone, feeling unheard and unloved and they’re going to say “You don’t even care about me, you never listen to me” and that will trigger your shame and your wounds around feeling not good enough, and you’ll yell “That’s not true, nothing I do is ever good enough for you” 2) Shut down, and stop communicating their hurts to you, which’ll feel more peaceful for a while but you’re losing them, and one day you’ll wake up and they’ll be gone, and you won’t know why. 6:06 Marriages die in the conversations that never happen. 4) 6:58 To the person who brings up the most of the concerns: Say to your partner: Thank you for providing a space where you can bring up your needs in a respectful way (without criticism, blame, passive aggressiveness or yelling at you). I don’t want you to feel like I’m attacking you, because I’m not. I just wanna feel heard and feel close to you.
He refuses to begin the talk. He'll initiate saying we need to sit down for a serious talk and then act like he never said anything. He avoids any serious question I ask. He makes decisions that affect the both of us without me knowing until whatever has been decided is happening. When I tell him it's over between us, he either insults me, mocks me, calls me derogatory names, makes up scenarios and attempts to have me believe these fabrications are truth. I have epilepsy and his favorite thing is to get me to believe I'm at fault for reacting to his actions. If we're texting, he'll suddenly stop replying. Then he'll ghost me until he wakes up the next day. He sends a cheerful morning greeting acting like nothing happened the day before. I've watched so many of your videos and others trying to figure out if I'm the problem or him. He insists he's a good guy and I've not had any healthy relationships due to a traumatic childhood. I'm only recently learning about narcissism and I don't want to give up if he isn't a narcissist and I'm just scared due to previous abuse. Wow, lol okay. Sorry about dumping all that here. 😔
It is so scary to express appreciation and then get slapped in the face later or something is thrown in my face (I don’t mean physically). It hurts much more.
thank you so much! saved this video to my list, so i can come back to it. this definetely helps me and i understand the mechanisms. not sure about my partner though, who has adhd and might also be on the autism spectrum, so his brain is wired way different from mine. but luckily there are also videos out there that specialize on communication when one partner has adhd and the other has not.
I love your videos so much and the only thing that I feel sad about is that most of the words you use to describe feelings. Most of them are not technically feelings, but actually thoughts and interpretation...for example rejected, etc. the risk of using these words is that the other person can hear a criticism and feel guilty about it. Wouldn't you be willing to revise this concept? NVC can help to get a clear differentiation between feeling and false feelings. ❤
I thought so too when I watched this video. Some of the words he uses are not actually feelings but there is a sense of judgement. That's not to say that Jimmy is not doing great work in helping people build stronger relationships but I'm glad someone brought it up so he can continue delivering better content.
I enjoy your content. I agree with you on all things to say. Im an empath though too. At a young age i learned introspection. That's. Ery important. One thing ill say too if you have a child with special needs like me autism level 3. It makes things a bit harder. We still communicate. We just dont get the time. It makes it harder with our 5 yr old too
I tell him how i feel when i feel neglected and ignored and left out snd unwanted and overwhelmed with all the chores And what happens Nothing Ever Never So i stop to hive him space and encourage him to tale time And what happens He says im too controlling Im too needy Im too much I think i need yo leave I don't feel loved anymore
When I say that his cheating is hurting me and that I’m upset he refuses to end the relationship….. his response is to tell me that I’m looking for problems. When I say that I want to go away for a few days to have some time for me, I’m accused of cheating then he threatens to never speak to me or see me again. If I bring up that I’m angry about something he did then I’m told that I’m always fighting and I’m never happy……. I feel like I have no voice or presence
That's not a relationship. And cheating is unacceptable, someone who cheats is someone who is okay with dismissing your feelings, hurting and abusing you and they need psychological help . It also sounds kind of dangerous, please be safe and leave him.
What is it in a relationship that makes all of this worth it? Respect, disrespect, rinse and repeat seems like chipping away from a person's self-worth when one could just not get that disrespect by being on their own.
I listen to this and I wish he would have been willing to do these things to even seek resolution and I hate that I’m still wishing he would have tried. Even knowing he can’t. He won’t and doesn’t want to. His crime in this is he thinks he knows it all he thinks he’s fine. He’s blind and drinking his own koolaid
How do I get my boyfriend to watch any of your content? I send him Links all the time he still doesn't and we are so on the edge of splitting up like could be this week I'm packed and ready to go if we start to fight at all I can not do it anymore and I truly love him and our kids are 19&16&6 and I don't want to lose him
If you have to teach a partner how to be empathetic and they are an adult, sorry but that's not your job and they're probably not your partner. If they don't do the work of going and getting their own therapy on how to show up in your relationship it's just best to move on if you can.
Excellent comment - absolutely superb! I agree. I used to tell my husband just that, i.e., "it isn't my responsibility to teach you how to be a kind person. That was your mother's resonsibilty." (She failed miserably.) I told him he can be any kind of person he wants to be, but I'm not going to put up with it. He tried to manipulate me by telling me I was selfish & didn't care about anybody but myself. I asked him, if that's the case, why do you want to stay married to me? He said, "because you're different from other people." Yes, I was different - most of the people he knew were self-serving, narcissists like himself!
@@annemccarron2281 I'm so glad you recognize this and are taking the healthy path of explaining it is not your responsibility. He can do the work he needs to do on himself.
I have a question. I do something that comes up in every relationship. When we argue and he says something accusing or hurtful I take a few seconds to think about my response before I say anything. I might even take a few hours to think about it if we aren't fighting and bring it up later. They say silence is admission of guilt if I have to think about it and whatever I'm about to say isn't true. I'm bringing things up just to fight. I just don't want to say something Ill regret out of fear or anger. Am I wrong to do this? He says it's a toxic behavior am I toxic?
@@madeline982 things like I try too hard to be weird, my religion of 23 years is just because I have daddy issues, I try to share my opinion on something he would say oh it's so cute that you think that, the reason you're the manager at your job is because you're such a b*tch, once we went out and I hadn't eaten before and I wasn't comfortable driving I lived a few blocks away i asked him to walk me home he said no im not that pretty no one is going to grape me and the thing he loved most about me is i can take care of myself. Things like that
@@dayfiremystic he's said all of these vile things and you're asking if you're the toxic one?? That's not normal even for someone with the disorder, he's toxic, and those are disgusting things to say to someone you "love" and I hope you start calling him out on it. You deserve better. He's verbally abusive and it sounds like you should establish boundaries for your own sake.
Do you agree, that some people just don't fit together? Because many people said that about my relationship, even my girl said it when she left me few days ago. And i thought i fought very well for us and tried to bring her up and get her out of her deep void she was in so often. I realy feel like i failed that hole thing and that i didnt realy support her in the way she needed. So can any relationship could work, if one is allways doing the correct thing?
I hear you say you supported her the best you could and you fought for the relationship to work, did you feel like that effort was reciprocated? Because if not, she’s not the person for you. You deserve someone who wants to put in the same effort you’re willing to give
You didn't fail, you did your best to get in where you fit in your role. You did everything within YOUR control to contribute to a successful outcome. Unfortunately, she was not committed enough to that outcome to do everything within HER control. You can't drag someone who is determined to limp across the finish line....they have to want it as bad as you do. Now you have a choice, stay in a "half-assed" relationship, with no guarantee this person will "find their legs" to run with you. Or, just say thanks, we had an "okay" run, but I gotta move on.
Thank you for telling me this. It is hard for me to admit my needs in a timely manner or at times when it achieves a good resolution for both of us. I'm in the situation your girl might have been in. It just that once I've been shut down, it is hard for me to get out of the distrust when my body learned that something hurts. I've been in very damaging situations and at times I'm not sure if it's over, I always wonder. Am I still trapped in the same situation and I'm just waiting for the next attack? When being gaslight it is difficult to trust the same space and situation you were in. I'm working on feeling safe and secure and trusting those around me.
What is you are your significant other's full time caregiver and they won't let you sleep in a little on your day off even though you also have a full time demanding job??? I've tried talking to him about it and tried being as kind and sweet and vulnerable as possible....but, it's like he just has to be up and doesn't care that I NEED my REST
The Pillars of Conflict Resolution:
1) 2:20 - Have a culture of appreciation and affection in your relationship.
2) 4:36 - Create a safe place for your partner to be honest and vulnerable about any unmet needs, hurts, feelings, or complaints.
3) 9:12 - Identify actual feelings and needs (with lists of words that are actual feelings and needs).
4) 13:09 - Express yourself with respectful vulnerability (have a framework for having hard discussions).
5) 19:37 - Validate your partner even if you don't agree with their feelings.
6) 26:44 - Set and communicate healthy boundaries around conflict (and understand your partner's boundaries).
7) 28:10 - Take accountability for and repair old hurts.
Marriages die in the conversations that never happen.
Absolutely true.
And in conversations that gone wrong
True that
And misunderstandings. This killed my last relationship. She had such an auto defense nothing would happen and it was frustrating
I probably need to watch this several times
That's such a mood lmao
same
Same here. Like ten times
I think I'll put this on a monthly reminders list ❤
I agree with this statement
Common words/phrases we need to use to express our feelings (thanks Jimmy):
ashamed
embarrassed
humiliated
rejected
neglected
abandoned
frustrated
angry
disrespected
afraid
overwhelmed
worried
confused
pressured
blamed
lonely
unheard
sad
hurt
misunderstood
hopeless
disconnected
Thank you
i feel all of these , but its over anyways, he discarded me while i was pregnant and shifted all the blame on me without empathy totally lacking self reflect, i was demonized cuz of my anger which was a reaction from me to his dissmissive avoidant toxic behaviour mistreating me to the point where i became powerless and desperate, then betrayed.
I’m not going to read another book on love and relationships again. I’m just going to go back and watch this video. It really packs the wisdom of a whole book.
Thank you!
In the past, I was defensive and dismissive of your feelings. I would shut down because I felt overwhelmed and attacked. But I now realize that you weren’t trying to shame me; you were trying to express how you felt loved and valued. I can see that when I would shut down or defend myself, I left you feeling abandoned and alone. I am so sorry; that was wrong. It makes sense why you didn’t feel safe to be vulnerable, but I want to change that. I want to do everything I can to repair this and learn how to show up for you because that’s what you deserve.
Beautiful paragraph and what all of us want to see from each other when in a partnership
I have conversations like this with my partner, but a problem arises that he doesn’t trust me or believes it’s an overnight change. When I mess up the slightest during moments I feel overwhelmed, it all comes crashing down and it’s like I never try at all.
As someone who is recently single after a 3-year relationship, I wish we had been better at these techniques...things might have ended up differently. Thank you providing this education for free.
You fuckers only learn after you get dumped. Never change for the one you hurt eh. Just damage and move on.
I also love when you say “the story I am telling myself”. I think that is such a nice way to express yourself because you are admitting your point of view and that it may not be reality.
Jimmy, Thank you for turning what must have been a very difficult situation for you and your family into something that is helping the rest of us learn how to build a healthy relationship.
Thank you!
This video saved me from a big fight today. Thank god I watched it 2 days ago. Had to come back to say: thank you so much!
How Jimmy talks. Is how my wife and I both behave. I’m 70 years old. We both have each other’s back. 44 years together is easy. Alls you need is love. ❤️
When you ask to have a conversation about something you would like to share and they tell you they don't have time for that but they don't offer a time when you can talk.
Definitely promotes disconnection :(
Yeah, this is my situation. I've gotten pretty good on the listening and validation. I've gotten over the long learning curve, and probably did some damage in that process. Now, it's going the other direction. I'm the one losing trust from the disconnection and rejection of repair attempts. She's now diving into the phone 90% of the time instead of engaging. I think she might be gone, but she can't find the bravery to admit it or engage in repair. My expression of feelings immediately causes her defensive measures.
Thanks, Jimmy.
This is my situation also. I'm trying to accept that it's over.
@@anoncspan4129 I'm very sorry.
Sometimes we do so much damage over so many years that there is nothing left.
I finally left my 22 year marriage after I tried over and over to connect with my husband and he just took for granted I'd always be there (even though I expressed my concern that one day I'd lose feelings for him and it would be too late).
Well that day finally came. We agreed to separate. I felt relief. He was hit with regret a few months later and tried to reconcile but it was too late.
I have realized that even when you think you're being mindful, situations still occur like: He says he doesn't want to call the dentist because they won't be understanding again, and instead of first acknowledging that he's scared, you respond with, "What's so bad about making a quick call?"
Ya absolutely, but with enough consistency we can recognize even in hindsight “hey, what I said earlier, I think I unintentionally invalidated you, sorry about that”
Im glad I found your page. I’m currently going through some tough time and this has open my eyes in many aspects.
Wow! Another incredibly powerful video. Why are most of those authentic feelings not on the famous “feelings wheel”. You list off the REAL FEELINGS I feel. Thank you again Jimmy!
I really appreciate that you tell us how to say things and what healthy vs. unhealthy responses look like as well as the root of these reactions. Well done. Very helpful.
SO many gems in this, Jimmy. THANK YOU. You're changing lives.
So much good information you have presented in such a good way grateful to have found this
Means a lot!
Thank you for this post. I kept thinking that these insights can be applied to any close relationship. I have narcissistic parents and have recently gone no contact, a decision I never thought I’d have the strength to make. I’d never considered that no contact could actually be a boundary but it makes sense. After years of therapy and personal work and growth, the only thing left to preserve my emotional and psychological well being was to step away. You have a gift in how you communicate and I continue to learn and grow from your content. Thank you for what you do!
You should write a book!!!
I agree
I needed this four months ago, but the validation still feels right. I made the right decision.
As a partner, we should be listening for the hurts while they speak. I think this is a turning point for me! And if I share this with my husband, I hope that he will stop trying to fix all of my problems or just sit, numbly, listening, but if I suggest this to him, maybe he can try to listen for what I am feeling. It would be a good assignment for him to try.because what we are doing right now isn’t working
Great stuff.
I've learned that compassion is key - both for yourself and for your partner. And our therapist calls the practice of making that space in which to safely hear each other without blame or whatever a "grace bubble"....still working on reacting to triggers by getting in the grace bubble.
Love this!!!
Thank you for all your brilliant insights. You described our struggles perfectly.
This is GOLD!
Greatly appreciate your short on "communication" with a narcissist. Please share any research/studies that prove this. I advocate in this space to mitigate harm to the children born into these relationships.
So true..its Very important for both parties to have these tools/skills when fighting 💯💯💯🙏🙏🙏 for a lasting relationship
Wow, so much helpful material and all for free!! Thank you, Jimmy. What about topic of How to get out of a vicious circle when you can see what and how is your relationship dying but you are the only one trying to find ways to fix it and you're slowly but surely just loosing any interest?
I wish they taught this all in every public school 😊
YES!!! Secure relationship, trauma, communication etc... information, teachings, lessons, tools and skills, to heal from trauma and to improve on relationship interactions, communication and help develop a secure self! I feel like we are in an epidemic and most people don't realize it... even though there is so much evidence... divorce, school shootings, suicide, hate, division....
Thank you so much for your videos. These are very timely.
Lots of wisdom, packed into one video!
Wow❤ every couples in the world should listen this❤❤❤
Thank you very much for this video. It's one of the best I've so far seen here on RUclips. Your advice works on all kinds, types, and levels of relationships. It can apply to parent-child, friends, colleagues, siblings, etc. Unfortunately, some people don't have words or vocabulary to express themselves. Therefore, they turn to other means of communication, sadly but more often into violence or shutting down until they explode. On the other hand, there are people who don't want to invest time or energy to improve. It is very time-consuming and painful, and it would probably be better to see an easier and faster way out. I heard statements like, "I am who I am, just deal with it! You can't change me!" Once again, thank you! ❤
This was great. So glad I found you and you’re helping others out there ❤🙏🏼
If anyone is doubting this and has ever had a positive conversation with an ex (regardless of the outcome) you probably have had an example where this is worked. Talking about why you drifted apart or why one of you sought out another partner or whatever it was. Having that discussion self reflectively and honestly (possibly for the first time between you both) feels good. It fills you with hope. Practice that with your partner, not just your ex
Damn. Right in the feels. Good content
Thankyou for this one, probably one of the best.
Means alot!!
One of your best videos (among those I already watched)! Super informative and practical. Great content. Thank you so much from Germany.
Danke!!
Saving this so I can watch again and take notes
im not okay currently im losing the love of my life because i stopped chasing her and lost what we had by not focusing on her i came across your video today talking about how theres a "history of past pain." and it really hit home with me im afraid its too late. im not okay with it.
Tell her all of that. You have to open yourself up to/be vulernable to a big hurt, to get the big reward. A mutually healthy, happy, loving relationship and wonderful life. Don't mistake that for it will be the result every time, but there is no chance otherwise.
@@Lisa19000 it’s too late.
How do I establish an agreement with someone who doesn’t keep his promises or respect my boundaries? I don’t want a divorce but I’m truly at a place where I don’t know what to do to move forward? Thank you so much for all your videos! They have helped me so much! I watch many of them daily and generally repeatedly. You are so kind and gentle in the way you express and so clear. Thank you again for your experiences!
That definitely makes it hard to establish any sort of agreement :( I’m so sorry you’re in that spot
I have a friend. I brought up my hurt feelings during one interaction. Their response was "I just do not know what to say to you". I conclude they NEED to avoid their feeling to feel safe. I have observed they have a multiple year history of avoiding feelings. Since I care for them, I am not bringing up my feelings again. I now know they NEED to avoid feelings to feel safe. This is just the shallow level of friendship they can tolerate.
Or, maybe you have learned how to backbite and nitpick when you grew up, and they learned how to just be ok with life and how other people do life differently than you do. If you understood that it is not your responsibility to tell other people how they should live their lives, you would be a happier person, and you would embrace different personalities or cultures as a valid way of going through life. But, you are being validated by this guy in thinking that it is your right to tell other people how they should react to the things you feel. Definitely tell people how you feel, but be mature enough to hear them say, “I feel differently about it” and then move on.
@@samuelpayne5460 OUCH! I am curious why you choose the reply language you did. Did you really mean to say I was backbiting and nitpicking? That sounds judgmental and not factual. What where you needing when you wrote that? Did you need some one to listen to your feelings about being the recipient of backbiting and nitpicking?
Did you really mean to say " tell other people how they should live their lives'? I certainly did not mean to imply those in my post. My intent was to point out how it takes two for successful communication. And since my friend can not tolerate the internal pain honest communication causes; I choose to allow him his space. Unfortunately his need results in a shallow friendship between us. And yes this is because I need a more honest communication than he does. To me this seems I am allowing him space to be who he has decided to be. What where your needs when you wrote your " right to tell other people how they should react" in your reply? Do you wish someone would listen to you and validate your different way of living than the listener?
@@woodrowsmith8065 as far as the backbiting goes, you felt the need to tell a bunch of strangers how you were “wronged” for sympathy (tell me I’m wrong about this, but you have told this story to other people that know you and the individual without the individual knowing. This is why I suspect backbiting). To address the nitpicking. When the reply is, “I don’t know what you want me to say”, it is actually him/her saying, “I don’t understand why you’re upset about this”. I think our ancestors spent their entire lives working and “fighting” nature that the need to find something to “fight” is engrained in us. Now that we really don’t have anything “real” to fight, we create circumstances that don’t matter to fight. Look at what “hurt your feelings”. Did it inhibit your ability to get food? Did it inhibit your ability to have clothes? Did it inhibit your ability to go places? Or, did your “ancestral need to fight” rear its head because he/she said or did something that you didn’t like (i.e. he/she does things differently than you do).
I tried to post, but it doesn’t seem to have taken. So, sry if this posts twice. To address the backbiting, you gave little to no details to address how your friend hurt your feelings, and he/she replied with, “I don’t know what you want me to say”. Tell me if I’m wrong about this, but I suspect you have told this story to other people that know both of you without this individual knowing (which is backbiting). To address the nitpicking. Ancestrally, we as a people have had something to “fight” (usually the forces of nature). Now that we don’t have anything to fight, we create things to fight. Did his/her comment keep you from being able to eat, loss of housing, loss of clothing, loss of ability to transportation? Or, was it an issue of him/her doing things differently than you would have done them.
@@samuelpayne5460 Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I really appreciate your perspective on the situation between my friend and me. From your response, I suspect you find the specific details of what happened important. I see it differently. While we can talk about the events, the reasons behind them, and debate whether they were right or wrong, I believe that pulls us away from the heart of the matter-the feelings involved. What I wanted to focus on were my feelings and my friend’s feelings, because to me, that's the core issue.
For example; if my friend told a degrading joke disparing my attire in public or physically started beating on me in public-though these are extreme examples that didn’t happen-both would make me feel degraded. In either case, I would feel that my emotions and safety didn’t matter to my friend. No one needs to agree with my feelings, just hear them and not discount that these are my valid feelings.
Regarding your point about "backbiting" and the suspicion that I may have shared this story with others without my friend knowing, I want to clarify that this is not the case. I’ve have only discussed this directly with my friend. I used the incident here simply to illustrate my point. I can sense your concern about backbiting and how much it bothers you. How do you feel when you hear this?
As for your thoughts on nitpicking, I wholeheartedly agree with you. Our ancestors had to fiercely compete for survival, and often, only one person could come out on top while others were left without. You're right that in today's world, losing out in those competitions doesn’t threaten our survival in the same way. However, I’m not sure how this ties into the feelings at play in my situation. My friend made certain choices-again, I feel the specifics don’t matter-and those choices made me feel like my feelings didn’t matter to him. When I expressed how I felt, his response confirmed that he wasn’t interested or able to talk about feelings-his or mine. He could only react to the situation, not engage with the emotional aspect. This is the point I was trying to convey.
When it comes to the video, I think we both agree on the idea that unresolved feelings tend to fester. The video assumes that both people involved in an interaction want to work through their feelings and strengthen the relationship. But in some cases, like mine, only one person may want that. My friend either couldn’t or didn’t want to acknowledge the emotional side of our interaction. I took that as his way of expressing his need to avoid discussing feelings. I chose to respect his need. I found this was a good enough way for me to resolve my own feelings about the situation.
My husband is always telling me that I don’t want to talk about anything, but after watching Jimmy so much I would like to say “yes, I avoid talking, but why is that?” Because the truth is it always has to be his way, he’s always right, and I end up feeling scared and sad and like I’m the worst. So of course I don’t want to talk about anything with him. I used to, but it just doesn’t work with him.
Thank You for Sharing with ME 🙏🙏🙏
1) 2:06 You won’t feel close to someone if you don’t feel like they care about how you feel loved.
2) 2:30 When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause, it is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness… 4:00 The couples that thrive (the research shows) are the couples that: a) intentionally make deposits into each other’s emotional bank account b) look out for ways to serve each other and sacrifice for each other in the ways their partner feels loved most c) prioritise emotional responsiveness.
3) 4:55 In 80% of relationships one partner primarily brings up the vast majority of concerns or feelings and the other partner has this attitude of “Why can’t we just exist together? Why do we need to bring these things up? Don’t you feel like you’re making too big a deal out of this?” That’s like pouring gasoline on the fire. They’re going to either: 1) Escalate, as that triggers their fears around being abandoned, feeling alone, feeling unheard and unloved and they’re going to say “You don’t even care about me, you never listen to me” and that will trigger your shame and your wounds around feeling not good enough, and you’ll yell “That’s not true, nothing I do is ever good enough for you” 2) Shut down, and stop communicating their hurts to you, which’ll feel more peaceful for a while but you’re losing them, and one day you’ll wake up and they’ll be gone, and you won’t know why. 6:06 Marriages die in the conversations that never happen.
4) 6:58 To the person who brings up the most of the concerns: Say to your partner: Thank you for providing a space where you can bring up your needs in a respectful way (without criticism, blame, passive aggressiveness or yelling at you). I don’t want you to feel like I’m attacking you, because I’m not. I just wanna feel heard and feel close to you.
He refuses to begin the talk. He'll initiate saying we need to sit down for a serious talk and then act like he never said anything. He avoids any serious question I ask. He makes decisions that affect the both of us without me knowing until whatever has been decided is happening. When I tell him it's over between us, he either insults me, mocks me, calls me derogatory names, makes up scenarios and attempts to have me believe these fabrications are truth. I have epilepsy and his favorite thing is to get me to believe I'm at fault for reacting to his actions. If we're texting, he'll suddenly stop replying. Then he'll ghost me until he wakes up the next day. He sends a cheerful morning greeting acting like nothing happened the day before. I've watched so many of your videos and others trying to figure out if I'm the problem or him. He insists he's a good guy and I've not had any healthy relationships due to a traumatic childhood. I'm only recently learning about narcissism and I don't want to give up if he isn't a narcissist and I'm just scared due to previous abuse.
Wow, lol okay. Sorry about dumping all that here. 😔
Doesn’t sound at all like a healthy dynamic to me. You don’t ever deserved to be insulted, mocked, called names, right!?
@@JimmyonRelationships no, I don't. No one deserves to be treated like that
definitely a "listen to it multiple times" type of video. Thank you
thanks jimmy :) trying to get it right, i dont ever want to hurt her again
It is so scary to express appreciation and then get slapped in the face later or something is thrown in my face (I don’t mean physically). It hurts much more.
I so needed to hear this! Thanks
Thank you. I hope I can figure this out before it is too late
Loved this, thank you. I’m so in love with communication. Learning to so important. 🌻
Wish I could've watched this video a couple days ago before I broke up with my partner cause I learned a lot from this that might've helped things
Thanks for all you do
Thank you ! Excellent ,detailed help .
The worst distance between two people is misunderstanding.
Thank you for sharing with us such a wisdom 🙏
Jimmy, could you have a sit down with your wife? I think this would be amazing.
Why this so timely
Great video! So helpful. Thank you so much for what you do. God bless you!
I am taking note💜💜💜
This is very good. I know from experience this is all true.
Great ! Thank you for helping to better our lives ❤️☀️🌙
thank you so much! saved this video to my list, so i can come back to it.
this definetely helps me and i understand the mechanisms. not sure about my partner though, who has adhd and might also be on the autism spectrum, so his brain is wired way different from mine. but luckily there are also videos out there that specialize on communication when one partner has adhd and the other has not.
I find myself alone in my inner world…..but safe, most of the time. It is easier than trying to get my partner to hear me. 🤐
It is safe in there. But if we want connection we need to be with someone we actually trust cares about us
Everything right here. 👏🙌❤️
Thank you so much for this. 🙏💖
Jimmy, can you look into a video on ADHD in relationships and the challenges?
This is amazing!!!
Blessings from Denmark🇩🇰🙏♥️
I love your videos so much and the only thing that I feel sad about is that most of the words you use to describe feelings. Most of them are not technically feelings, but actually thoughts and interpretation...for example rejected, etc. the risk of using these words is that the other person can hear a criticism and feel guilty about it. Wouldn't you be willing to revise this concept? NVC can help to get a clear differentiation between feeling and false feelings. ❤
I thought so too when I watched this video. Some of the words he uses are not actually feelings but there is a sense of judgement. That's not to say that Jimmy is not doing great work in helping people build stronger relationships but I'm glad someone brought it up so he can continue delivering better content.
Bro making me cry before having a conversation with him
I enjoy your content. I agree with you on all things to say. Im an empath though too. At a young age i learned introspection. That's. Ery important. One thing ill say too if you have a child with special needs like me autism level 3. It makes things a bit harder. We still communicate. We just dont get the time. It makes it harder with our 5 yr old too
BOTH!
Thank you ❤
Soooo good!!!❤
I tell him how i feel when i feel neglected and ignored and left out snd unwanted and overwhelmed with all the chores
And what happens
Nothing
Ever
Never
So i stop to hive him space and encourage him to tale time
And what happens
He says im too controlling
Im too needy
Im too much
I think i need yo leave
I don't feel loved anymore
Leave!! Does that sound like something from God to you??
Thank you! ❤
It hurts so much only feeling seen in parasocial relationships
Look for the good
We need a different phrase than, "the story I am telling myself." Something that would fill the same communication purpose, but using different words.
I sometimes use "My perception is..." or "The conversation in my head sounds like..."
Thanks!
You’re so kind!
If it were easy we wouldn't have so many divorces and if you can't love yourself how the hell do you expect to love someone else right
When I say that his cheating is hurting me and that I’m upset he refuses to end the relationship….. his response is to tell me that I’m looking for problems. When I say that I want to go away for a few days to have some time for me, I’m accused of cheating then he threatens to never speak to me or see me again. If I bring up that I’m angry about something he did then I’m told that I’m always fighting and I’m never happy……. I feel like I have no voice or presence
That's not a relationship. And cheating is unacceptable, someone who cheats is someone who is okay with dismissing your feelings, hurting and abusing you and they need psychological help . It also sounds kind of dangerous, please be safe and leave him.
What is it in a relationship that makes all of this worth it? Respect, disrespect, rinse and repeat seems like chipping away from a person's self-worth when one could just not get that disrespect by being on their own.
I would truely appriciate some time stamps on this video. Thank you
@JimmyonRelationships, can you look into a video on ADHD in relationships and the challenges?
Thanks.💕💕💕💕
Excellent thanks very much 😅
Good stuff. ❤
Wooo!
I listen to this and I wish he would have been willing to do these things to even seek resolution and I hate that I’m still wishing he would have tried. Even knowing he can’t. He won’t and doesn’t want to. His crime in this is he thinks he knows it all he thinks he’s fine. He’s blind and drinking his own koolaid
Would love to see a print out of the list of feelings.
Abuse stopped me and caused me to with draw.
How do I get my boyfriend to watch any of your content? I send him Links all the time he still doesn't and we are so on the edge of splitting up like could be this week I'm packed and ready to go if we start to fight at all I can not do it anymore and I truly love him and our kids are 19&16&6 and I don't want to lose him
So good. Start teaching kindergarteners, please
If you have to teach a partner how to be empathetic and they are an adult, sorry but that's not your job and they're probably not your partner. If they don't do the work of going and getting their own therapy on how to show up in your relationship it's just best to move on if you can.
Excellent comment - absolutely superb! I agree. I used to tell my husband just that, i.e., "it isn't my responsibility to teach you how to be a kind person. That was your mother's resonsibilty." (She failed miserably.) I told him he can be any kind of person he wants to be, but I'm not going to put up with it. He tried to manipulate me by telling me I was selfish & didn't care about anybody but myself. I asked him, if that's the case, why do you want to stay married to me? He said, "because you're different from other people." Yes, I was different - most of the people he knew were self-serving, narcissists like himself!
@@annemccarron2281 I'm so glad you recognize this and are taking the healthy path of explaining it is not your responsibility.
He can do the work he needs to do on himself.
I have a question. I do something that comes up in every relationship. When we argue and he says something accusing or hurtful I take a few seconds to think about my response before I say anything. I might even take a few hours to think about it if we aren't fighting and bring it up later. They say silence is admission of guilt if I have to think about it and whatever I'm about to say isn't true. I'm bringing things up just to fight. I just don't want to say something Ill regret out of fear or anger. Am I wrong to do this? He says it's a toxic behavior am I toxic?
That's smart. I try to also but fail offen. Say things I regret!
What kind of hurtful things are said?
@@madeline982 things like I try too hard to be weird, my religion of 23 years is just because I have daddy issues, I try to share my opinion on something he would say oh it's so cute that you think that, the reason you're the manager at your job is because you're such a b*tch, once we went out and I hadn't eaten before and I wasn't comfortable driving I lived a few blocks away i asked him to walk me home he said no im not that pretty no one is going to grape me and the thing he loved most about me is i can take care of myself. Things like that
@@dayfiremystic he's said all of these vile things and you're asking if you're the toxic one?? That's not normal even for someone with the disorder, he's toxic, and those are disgusting things to say to someone you "love" and I hope you start calling him out on it. You deserve better. He's verbally abusive and it sounds like you should establish boundaries for your own sake.
Do you agree, that some people just don't fit together? Because many people said that about my relationship, even my girl said it when she left me few days ago. And i thought i fought very well for us and tried to bring her up and get her out of her deep void she was in so often. I realy feel like i failed that hole thing and that i didnt realy support her in the way she needed. So can any relationship could work, if one is allways doing the correct thing?
I hear you say you supported her the best you could and you fought for the relationship to work, did you feel like that effort was reciprocated? Because if not, she’s not the person for you. You deserve someone who wants to put in the same effort you’re willing to give
You didn't fail, you did your best to get in where you fit in your role. You did everything within YOUR control to contribute to a successful outcome. Unfortunately, she was not committed enough to that outcome to do everything within HER control. You can't drag someone who is determined to limp across the finish line....they have to want it as bad as you do. Now you have a choice, stay in a "half-assed" relationship, with no guarantee this person will "find their legs" to run with you. Or, just say thanks, we had an "okay" run, but I gotta move on.
Thank you for telling me this. It is hard for me to admit my needs in a timely manner or at times when it achieves a good resolution for both of us. I'm in the situation your girl might have been in.
It just that once I've been shut down, it is hard for me to get out of the distrust when my body learned that something hurts.
I've been in very damaging situations and at times I'm not sure if it's over, I always wonder.
Am I still trapped in the same situation and I'm just waiting for the next attack? When being gaslight it is difficult to trust the same space and situation you were in.
I'm working on feeling safe and secure and trusting those around me.
What is you are your significant other's full time caregiver and they won't let you sleep in a little on your day off even though you also have a full time demanding job??? I've tried talking to him about it and tried being as kind and sweet and vulnerable as possible....but, it's like he just has to be up and doesn't care that I NEED my REST