Growing up with Vietnamese parents vs. German parents
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- Опубликовано: 30 июн 2024
- Until I met German boyfriend, and moved to Germany, I always believed that how I grew up was normal, but I guess they do things differently in Germany. 😅
00:00 Intro
01:32 Family Foundation
02:02 My Parents
03:23 German bf Parents
05:21 Discipline & Reprimands
07:23 Personal Expression
09:24 Voicing Opinion
10:15 Showing Affection
11:39 Navigating Expectations
13:27 Mental Health
14:15 Relationship Dynamics Dating
15:14 Celebrations
16:27 Sacrifices & Support
17:51 Moving Out
19:48 Outro
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Hi, I'm Uyen Ninh but please just call me Uyen!
Originally from Vietnam, I now explore life in Germany, sharing my unique perspective through my videos on my way to be your favorite Ausländer! 😁
Subscribe to my RUclips Channel for Videos and Shorts: @uyenninh
Instagram: uyenninh
TikTok: tiktok.com/@uyenthininh
uyen@yilmazhummel.com 
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One thing you shouldn't forget is the vast field of war traumas. Vietnam was at war 50 years ago. There was a lot of misery, a lot of drama, a lot of trauma. I live in Germany and my childhood was full of massive violence, my parents had a hard time raising us, and I know that my parents also experienced a lot of physical and emotional violence from their parents. And this is not so uncommon, even in Germany. I know the feeling very well when you meet people who are confident, funny, open, extroverted, loving, honest, and you realize that it's because they were just loved unconditionally. One can only try to break the vicious cycle. In the end, the parents are also victims who were never helped.
Yes this! I think this is generational trauma that is denied and never addressed properly.
Germany was notably involved in some pretty bad wars too
@@cynthiajohnson6747Yes, but the last war ended about one generation earlier than in vietnam. Look to the families one generation earlier in Germany and you have very similar memories like the vietnamese family described here.
wow that's true
@@ClaudiaThur Yes, probably much of the violence is trauma not processed and also they were trying to make kids more stoic, hardened, caising so much suffering in the prorcess
The way that you are able to understand the injustice and the issues, and to condemn the wrong treatment directly and without shame, but also have so much respect, grace and understanding and compassion for your parents and their circumstances, really is a testament to how kind and mature of a person you are.
💯💯💯
I love your ability to explain cultural differences with such a clear and light tone while adding some humour as well. I really enjoy your videos, I love how you aren't afraid to be so real with us! ☺️ You seem like such a cool person to be around. Your perspective on life is contagious.
Couldn't say it any better. Very interesting to have such a real view on parenting in Vietnam and to put it in a proper context.
Thank you for putting this so well.
@@ingenium5831 Keep in mind, those are Uyen's views based on her experience. Not everyone experienced the things she did or to the degree she did.
That's really interesting. I'm German, in my 30s, and from what I've experienced most of what you describe about German parents is a pretty recent shift. The way my mom and dad were treated by their parents was a lot closer to what you describe Vietnamese parenting to be like, and my parents were still somewhat strict and emotionally detached because of how they were raised. But they did their best to be more loving, they made time to play with me and my siblings, and most importantly they never beat us (like their parents did, it was just considered normal and good for discipline back then). I don't have children yet, but my friends do, and I'm amazed to see how parenting has become so much more about encouragement, communicating feelings and MUTUAL respect. And I think it's great to see the shift in our society from "Oh no, I did something bad, my parents are gonna kill me if they find out" to "Oh no, I did something bad, I need to tell my parents so we can figure this out together."
its also recent here in denmark. I am 40 and It was almost like vietnam when I was a kid. you didnt show emotions, but got beaten
I'm 42 and german. I think the time when I was a kid in the 80s was the time when things really shifted as raising your children without violence etc. was not just how things were, but a topic people talked about. And it was just 10 years that beating children in schools was forbidden. Unfortunately my personal upbringing was still more similar to Uyen's story in a lot of ways.
yea, i wanted to comment alongside this as well! a more soft style of parenting hasn't been part of the culture for that long, and there's also a lot of older generations complaining about these new shifts as well. it shows that while very strict parenting may be part of the current culture in other countries it doesn't mean it can't change! especially with people like uyen getting to travel and see how things work around the world and learn to incorporate these experiences into their life
@@Flo-vn9ty Beatings in school became illegal in 1968 in Germany
Parentship isn't easy afterall. I guess every generation tries to do their best and use the knowledge of this time. Not long ago it was a good way to use the "silent stairs" for timeouts. Today it's a baaaad thing... . Some years before children grew up with no rules at all. Years ago it was totally fine to give a "light" slap and even it is forbidden by the law some children gets beaten up still daily... . Please don't understand me wrong, I don't support or excuse this behavior, but we are all children of our own time.
Uyen's comment section is such a place of love, compassion and honesty. No where else on youtube do I find as consistently kind comments sections as Uyen's, she inspires people to reflect on their own lives and share their stories.
Love you Uyen, your content is so special to me and so many people.
except for any Ambient music channel
From an outsiders perspective, Germans are not always overtly demonstrative as adults, but they're incredibly open and affectionate with their children. They have strong family values, and seem to build stable and supportive connections. I admire their culture a great deal for that.
My father was German, and while he was very affectionate, he also strongly emphasized discipline, hard work, and ignoring your own pain and limitations to finish your obligations. This led to being an adult who finds it difficult to impossible to rest or request time off, because I always feel like I'm being selfish or lazy.
So yes, it has its good parts (like a strong emphasis on childhood development and education), but there's a reason Germans are characterized as being logical and organized 24/7
@@grammaurai6843 totally agree. I mean in Germany we have a 3 tier school system and (I think primary school?) so you go to kindergarten 3-6 years old, then primary school 6 to 10 and then your whole future and school education academics are decided. And that’s a freaking burden. It’s so hard and it’s all learning and if you go to the “lowest school” you often can only to a handy craft job. Which is fine as well. But then you’re done with school at like 15-16 before you do an apprenticeship. But yes. Being a kid I think is quite nice in Germany. You can play and learn until you are 6 which there are many studies showing starting school at 4 is not good because the kids just take longer to learn stuff which kids who start school at 6 just get more easily 👍🏻
Are you American by any chance?
@@trevillingHallo in Deutschland wird man mit 6 Jahren eingeschult. Eltern die beide arbeiten, geben ihre Kinder in die Kinderkrippe oder zur Tagesmutter wo sie nach Feierabend abgeholt werden. Niemand wird mit 4 Jahren ei geschult. Es gibt auch die Vorschule wo man schaut, wie weit das Kind physisch ist u. Dann zu entscheiden. Deutsche sind sehr Pünktlich und Diszipliniert . Aber glauben Sie mir , wir faulenzen auch sehr gerne . Vielleicht kommen Sie mal nach Deutschland. HERZLICH WILLKOMMEN 🌸🫶🌸
Love this
I am a child of a mixed german/turkish-japanese household. I was also born in 1995.
I never got the love a child deserves. My mother, who was of german origin, was really strict with me, but my father was straight up completely violent to me and my mother because he always said that girls and women are worthless and need to listen to their husband/ father. My mother was beaten in front of our eyes (my 1-year-older brother and me)
When I was 3 years old, my father used to beat me too for being a girl, saying to teach me discipline and respect against men. Our family was poor, we barely got a warm meal to eat mostly my mother starved herself, i had like one toy my neighbour gifted me, because she knew what I and my mother were going through, but she couldn't really help becausemy mother kept returning to that violent man, that was her husband. I saw and heard things a kid never should see and experience. My mother was not able to show love to her children, but I never gave her the fault in that. She has been through a lot, and I still feel so sorry for her. She had been humiliated for years, and I was never planned. I was the product of violence. No wonder she couldn't be the mother that she probably wanted to be.
I ran away from home when i was 16 years old because i couldn't take it anymore. I ran away to my boyfriend (today he is my husband). I never returned back home. My father didn't even care, he always said I would end up as some wh_re that i an unworthy and that I broke the family honor. My mother decided to cut her contact to me. She never called or asked again for me and blocked me. I assume that she is still with him.
Today, I am a mother of 2 wonderful kids, and i would always give my life to them. I have a loving german husband, and I learned a lot through my own experiences. I still need therapy to get along with all the ptbs/depression I have. But I know that I can get through this because now I have my own loving family. ❤️
Lots of love to Uyen. Feel hugged, my dear. It's wonderful to hear that you still love and respect your family, although you had hard times too. ❤
Sie haben alles richtig gemacht ❤. Manches Mal ist es heilsamer Abstand zu haben, auch wenn es die eigene Mama ist. Genießen Sie Ihre Kinder und überschüttet Sie sie mit viel Liebe. Ich umarme Sie und sende Ihnen viel Kraft und wünsche Ihnen im er viele Gründe zum lächeln 🫶
Im glad that after all that you still turned out ok, maybe not entirely mentally (yet) but as a person, and you show your Kids the love they need and deserve
What happened with your brother? Since you didn't mention him again I guess he did the same thing as your mom? I hope that he didn't grow up to be like your dad
I'm really really sorry you had to go through all that. I wish you all the best
Holy cow! I'm so sorry you had to go through that! How awful
My ex from Korea was super devastated when he realized this in Germany too.
As a korean, I don't feel much different. I am still not allowed to have piercings or tattoos😅
@@nineten-eu4ig It had more to do with being gay and not out to his parents.
I can relate, and I'm Mexican. Our parents tried their best with what they had. You are a great woman who has empathy, love and are so creative. I'm glad you found peace with your parents. ❤❤
❤ #VivaMexico
@@ferqzt cabrones!!!!! ♥️
As child growing up in an asian household I can totally relate to the things you mentioned. Additionally we grew up in Germany, to see the contrast to how different the parents of my friends treated them was really difficult for me. After growing up I realized my parents did the best they could and that they probably didn't know better, since they were raised the same. Nowadays they are much more relaxed. Great video as always Uyen(:
Altough my parents are both german, I know exactly how you felt.
I'm mixed and had a similar experience ❤
And still it hurts ... 😔
I am also from an Asian household, growing up in the Netherlands. So a lot of similarities for me as well. Any grades below 8/10 were punished severely, and we were forced to clean the whole house on weekends from an early age. Basically anything they didnt want to do was pushed onto us. (when possible). Tried to make me pay 325 euros a month to live there. This was over 50% of my total income at that time.... This made me ask for a free consult with the local lawyer agency, who said that I didn't have to accept that. And they kicked me out shortly after. Needless to say, I haven't spoken to them in years. And my life is so much better because of it
@cannabliss6908 When it comes to grades, my parents weren't that strict. I don't know what would have happened had they been really bad, but fortunately I had good to mediocre grades without studying much. But in almost every other aspect, especially my dad was extremely strict and extremely conservative. He also never had anything positive to say about us. He only complained when we (according to him) did something wrong, and he complained a LOT. Positive things were not worth talking about because they were expected. Also, the smallest thing could lead to a coleric attack. It was so bad that I had no self-confidence at all. Back then, I would not have dared to confront him with my rights, so kudos to you. I'm over 40 now and understand why he was the way he was, but the emotional scars will not completely disappear. I hope one day you can find some peace.
Omg the pretending to be asleep just to hear your mom say kind words about you… that breaks my heart so much!!!
Der grund unserer deutschen kultur ist immer noch der christl.glaube und jahrhunderte an biblischer lehre.obwohl es heute selbst den deutschen selber nicht bewusst ist,.profitieren wir von der jüdisch/ christl.kultur die auf respekt,.liebe und den menschenrechten basiert.
Vietnam hat den animistischen todes und götterglaube in sich und die botschaft d.evangeliums dass jeder mensch geliebt u wertgeschätzt ist als individuum nicht nur als kellektiv- teil leider zu wenig gehört! Der kommunismus hat noch zusätzlich schaden angerichtet mit der falschen lehre des atheismus.und der krieg tat ein übriges!
Trotzdem mag ich die vietnamesen die ich hier in deutschland kennengelernt habe.es sind bescheidene, freundliche und fleissige menschen!!
Mögen noch viele nachfolger jesu werden!!!
I would strongly recommend many people who relate to the Vietnamese side of the story to look into complex trauma. No matter why our parents did what they did, the reality is that the consequence of this style of upbringing is very often complex trauma.
Edit: I'm currently watching videos by Tim Fletcher on this topic and it has been incredibly insightful.
I needed this validation. Will look into these videos, thank you!
Also books on emotionally immature parents can be really helpful to contextualise some more emotional abuse-related stuff
Thanks
“What My Bones Know” by Stephanie Foo covers exactly this topic.
Dr. Ramani is a great channel if you find yourself somehow always in stressful relationships.
Attachment styles are useful to look into to debunk your pattern if you are known as needy or aloof.
Brace yourself. The truth will set you free once it’s done with you.
I LOVE that you're giving dignity to your mom for doing the best she could considering she was expected to work AND run the house AND raise 4 kids AND meet community standards. No wonder she was stressed and took it out on others! Glad she sounds like she's been doing better ❤️
I grew up in Germany and was never beaten by my parents. Beating children is an expression of helplessness,
“To raise us with that much love and compassion, that she didn’t show to our face but she has in her heart”. Wonderfully spoken❤
Oh Uyen, just replace the word Vietnamese with Indian- and there you have my entire childhood. I feel you
❤
The cultural shift to not beat children in Germany is relatively recent, a protective law was only put into effect on 6th of July 2000.
I was also born 1995 but in Germany and I was still beaten. I ran away multiple times to get help but the authorities just brought me back home. And I have heard that from other kids my age too. And I was told to be glad I wasn’t beaten with a wooden cooking spoon, as it used to be the way for my parents generation when they were kids.
Wooden spoon was my Dutch parents' ultimate punishment. But I am 60 and those days are now long ago
lol still very much a threat from German-American parents and grandparents when I was growing up to be threatened with the wooden spoon. Many of my friends and Aunts and Uncle did get punished with the wooden spoon.
I didn’t know the wooden spoon was German and Dutch! Southeastern USA, here, though my mother has German heritage. 🤔 The wooden spoon was the ultimate threat!! She only had to follow through on it about 3 times because I was serious about avoiding it. Wow, was it painful!
That is awful, I am so sorry. I am likely your parent’s age. I simply do not believe in hitting. If we would get arrested for assaulting a stranger, why is it ok to assault our children? I never wanted my kids to fear me but know I was their biggest supporter and they could trust me. I love them dearly ❤❤
@@kimbwf629 youre the best. wish u nothing but happiness 😊
I love how you actually asked for his permission, super respectful.
I grew up in former Eastgermany. My parents had to work and it was normal to be in Kindergarten or school from Monday till Saturday. I've got told that I was a very loud and cheeky girl very often. I got slapped on my mouth till I was 13... . But I know they love me. I was able to try out myself, they supported me when ever I needed help . When I got older they told me how proud they are. I guess, they just didn't know how to coop with me when I was younger. When I got my own kids, my dad was telling me that he would react different than me to my kids, when they were "cheeky". I knew what he meant and I told him: " To slap me when I was little, didn't work , so why should it work with my kids?" He was surprised... I was still "cheeky"... . And he is very proud of his grandchildren. And me😊.
Danke für deine Geschichte. Eigener starker Wille ist eine Gabe, keine Bedrohung. Muß gelenkt werden aber nicht negiert.
Man, im from the U.S. and i completely understand growing up in a place with poor parents that were uneducated, trying their best, and also being locked in a room/small house without being able to go outside and my parents expecting us to be social with others suddenly.
Thank you for sharing your story!!
There's so much of that here (in USA). My family is on the edge, and as Mom I'm constantly keeping track of those "unofficial boundaries" as best I can. We've had gangs try to move in a couple times. Every night I'm tracking the gunshots and sirens, and trying to be "chill".
Yet there's so many in the smack middle of it. So many children and families. So many young adults with no other world experience. So many trying to live beyond mere survival, with so much stacked against them. Some make it, yet we lose so much with the many many others that do not "make it".
Then society blames THEM for not "being better"... it is infuriating. Yes, we must have accountability, but the sheer arrogance and blindness to reality feels beyond my comprehension.
I hope you've better for yourself now. I hope your list of friends and peers lost to strife is... not TOO long. Nonexistent would be best, but... 😔
Take care.
YOU showed your mom how to put onself first, even if she didn't like it at first. Now I'm sure she's not only very proud of you and the life you have created for yourself, but also feels inspired by your very presence in her life.
Uyen, you are blessed with a very wise, almost spiritual mindset, look at how many people (close and afar) you inspire to follow your compassionate mindset. ❤ You have basically synthesized the best of each worlds: east and west. Blessings to you🙏
It’s not something you can teach your parents. My mother takes anyrhing I say her as a sign of disrespect or me criticizing her choice of parenting. It’s very weird. If I try to let her put herself first, she take offense to it instead. I can’t suggest her doing anything or invite her even to do anything like a spa or hair saloon .. she will immediately lash out. When she got cancer, I told her it’s her time to care for herself. What she does? She still refuse to put herself first. She lives with me ans I prepare her breakfast but because she is used on cold one or only a cup of tea on the run, she still tries to ignore it so she have it the same way : cold and on rush. It’s a weird thing. Our parents won’t be able to love and appreciate themselves because lots of their wounds are buried there too. It’s like an invite to self reflect and that can’t happen. Also, how else will she lash out and blame us on everything if she found a way to relax and enjoy herself. It’s a very complicated issue
@@ABirdOnTheMoon This.
My German grandpa had a sweet and dedicated dad even after being traumatized by the war.
His mother though, had what you could call a Prussian mindset. Severe and strict.
She was not joking around and used physical punishment. Kind of a military style discipline.
But the dad was sweeter than my French side of the family… and it was in the 1950’s
This influenced my grandpa and my dad’s parenting to be very caring.
That's so sad that she could only show her love when she thought you were asleep, obviously she felt all the same things but were so scared to spoil you into being "bad".
I barely ever sat on my own as a kid, I'd just sit on whoever was there and cuddled a LOT.
Yeah even among Western parents it seems like a common misconception that making your kids “too comfortable,” taking their opinions into account or showing them too much affection will spoil them. Which I think is only true if you’re trying to solve their emotions for them instead of showing them love and empathy and helping them process their feelings.
@@emilyrobbins6315 Yeah i'm dutch and my mom was Indo (mixed Indonesian and european) and as such she was strict on a lot of things but Indo parents believe in all the physical affection in the world, there is a lot of physical contact and massages if someone is sick.
You do not have to hear the words "I love you" when you are shown it all the time. Kids don't know words anyway, kids feel loved when you know things like how far the door has to be open at night to sleep, their favorite foods and routines. That makes little kids feel safe.
And dutch parenting is talking to kids, listening to their opnions and encouraging their personalities but without spoiling them a lot. And a strict routine. It makes dutch kids sleep longer and be very happy.
Hi Uyen, I can relate to your experience. My father is Japanese and my mother is American. I was born in Japan but spent my childhood in the UK and then moved to the US. There were lots of contrast between eastern and western styles and sensibilities. Growing up, my father wouldn't say 'I love you' but would express it in a different way. He always valued education too and expected that to be my main focus and priority just like your mom. It's funny because after living in America for so long and just turning 80 years old, my father now will say "I love you!" to me! Thank you for your wonderful videos and hilarious shorts. I love them so much and so many of us enjoy them from around the world. I appreciate you, Uyen! Greetings from California 🌸
Hi Uyen - My family is from Thailand but I was born in England. I'm probably old enough to be your mother but I recognise so much of what you sad about your upbringing and am so impressed that you're able to understand the cultural reasons behind this at such a young age without being resentful. Love your channel!
I am half german, half tibetan. I was raised in germany and still live here. My mom (tibetan) was raised very similarly to how Uyens parents where raised. My dad was raised in germany, but also in a very "traditional" way. It was very confusing for me growing up, because legally I was in an unsafe home and I knew how other kids where treated and raised. Sadly even though there are laws in place for kids like me. The chance of them being implemented is really low and getting help from adults is rare, even now. I feel bad for what my parents went through and am understanding of their situation, but I believe sometimes understanding or empathizing isn't enough. I'm happy that Uyen and her family have found a good place to be, but I want to emphasize that this isn't always possible or safe to do.
Generational and complex trauma are really tough and I send love out to all of you who are going though it right now ❤
I agree with you. Sending lots of love to you as well ❤🤗❤️
Hi Uyen , My father was Vietnamese and my mother German .My mother explained how my father functioned , but it took me a while to understand and accept .Your videos are so interesting and enlightening
Hi Uyen,
I'm D from India. What you said about beating children by parents is so true here too. When I was growing up, we were constantly told that beating us was a way of expressing love and not abuse of power. Looking back it sort of brings tears to my eyes that we were brainwashed into believing it. All the kids I knew were getting beaten up for simple things like dropping cutlery to getting low marks in school or tuition classes. It is heartbreaking when I rewind to these childhood trauma episodes.
This video almost brought me to tears. I can see that it took a lot of courage just to mention this topic to the public, let alone navigating how to deliver it in a way that is both straight to the point and respectful. Thank you for doing this.
I grew up in a well-off family in Hanoi, and while I would definitely say that my childhood is different than yours, there are aspects of the now outdated mentality in raising children and maintaining a family like you said that still presented when I was a kid. Luckily I have the opportunity from a young age to realize that not everything I went through was how they should be ideally, and when things went wrong, not everything happened were my fault. I'm certain that you've also learned this during your self healing journey too. And to whoever out there reading this comment, watching this video and are able to relate to our experiences, please be assured that you're not alone, it's not all because of you, and you will be okay.
Thank you 🤗❤️
Hi Uyen! I've been watching your videos for a while as I'm in long distance relationship with my German boyfriend and there's a lot I can relate to in your contents:) Being raised by Japanese parents, feeling loved has always been a tricky part for me, we're also not the best type of people to express our affection both physically and verbally. In Japanese culture it is(or used to be)common that parents would display their children as inferior to relatives, teachers, other parents and that makes it difficult for children to feel loved and understood by their own parents. I'm happy for you that moving to Germany helped you a lot to see things differently! Thank you for sharing this with us, lots of love from Japan🥰
You are a really good observer and I just love how you reflect on the cultural differences without being bitter or judgmental. ❤
Hearing you speak of these childhood experiences pulled some strings in me. Much like you, I grew locked at home, playing by myself or watching TV. I am a very imaginative person, but I tend to shelter inward when I am in social situations. The upside it's that I rarely suffer from loneliness, the downside it's that making friends and trusting people it's hard for me. Thank you for sharing this personal side of your upbringing. I think you are very brave.
You’re a good egg Uyen. Your story made me tear up and think of my own mom and her sacrifices just to see her daughter succeed in life.
From another SE Asian girl / immigrant woman in a western country, thank you for sharing your story and your sympathetic perspective ♥️
Your video made me tear up. 100% relatable, I’m 1st generation Mexican and my parents are from Mexico. But my husband’s parents are American and we both grew up extremely different. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s nice to know people with our kind upbringing can acknowledge our parents did their best with what they knew and yet we grew up trying our best to be good people. I mean this in the best way possible. 💜
Your mum saving the best parts of the chicken so you could have them, now that is true love ❤
Is it weird that i cried about that? Im 31 yrs old and a single mom. Im realizing now that there have been many nights where i had just enough chicken for my son and i, if he didnt ask for a second piece because I couldnt afford more that day. And that would be the day hed come home with a hearty appetite and Id give him my piece. Id just eat the side dish and told him i wasnt very hungry even though i was starving. It happened tonight with 2 pieces of schnitzel. He had 1.5 pcs and i had .5 with lots of rice (i know look at me combining their cultures)
@@erchanelthat's not weird. I cried too. We would do anything at all for our babies. It's love. I hope your circumstances improve 🩷
@@katies0 thank you ❤️ thats very kind
@@erchanelyou are a sweet mama. I hope things get better for you soon ❤
❤️❤️
I am Vietnamese and I now how we all Vietnamese feel with our parents 😢😢😢😢😢
Yes, even though my parents are very nice for Vietnamese standards and westernized bc we live in Europe I still can feel some of that points that it made me cried 😢
@@11iamuyam yeah I love my parents but they can be different 😭😭😭😭
@@tuannuyen1252 vietnam's political state is extremely unstable. in 1 year there are 2 president that committed embezzlement
by the way, our country has extremely horrifying gender bias. When the old president commit embezzlement and a new woman (Vũ thị Ánh XUân) Become the new president, my grandma said" In this world there is a country that woman become president" (Trên đời này có nơi đàn bà làm chủ tịch nước".
However, at school girls usually do much better than boys. However, when people enter high school, most good girls enter Specialised (Gifted) school that is extremely hard to get in, so in normal school some people still think that boys study better than girls hahaha. THey are completely wrong. Girls in vietnam study much better than the boys. Because the girls usually receive more love from parents and people, like Uyen's mother hug her in the video. Boys arent, they are thrashed and maltreated. Boys usually play games like Free Fire or League of legends or Area of Valor (if i remember correctly) then they pay a lot of money for these game and they cant get out of it anymore.
I am a boy and i cant play these games because my father ban me from playing games on phone or computer. My computer is fragile and old honestly, so i dont play computer games much, and i havent play any computer game for like over 1 year. The last game i played was Undertale in over 1 year ago and when my father found out that i play games he yelled at me and he beat me very hard. I dont have any male friends because i cant play the phone games. In order to relax or entertain my self, i print english books to read, and then learn all of new words in these books. My favorite book is Animal Farm. i also read Hamlet (contemporary english)
many fathers in vietnam are very violent and toxic, especially father in family that has only son. And my classmates' fathers are very toxic too.
Its quite sad because I have the same experience as Uyen and I was raised in Europe
My heart goes out to you, Uyen. ❤ I can only imagine how vulnerable it might have felt to film this and release it to the world. Kudos, and thank you for sharing with us. ❤
She went through a good process of healing.
Im on the 5th minute rn, and i just wanna give you a big hug
This is the most profound and meaningful video you have ever made. You are unpacking generational trauma and providing deep insight into a better way of living. Congratulations on learning and growing and learning to improve your future . ❤
This is why you are one of my favorite content creators on this platform. You are so true to who you are and your roots. My childhood experience had some similarities to your own, so this video made me feel seen. Keep being you Uyen. 💕
16:37 Oh, that part about your mum giving you the best part of the fish or chicken while pretending to be happy with the leftovers hit me in the feels. **That's** a real mother's love, irrespective of how often she actually said the words. She sounds like a very kind, strong woman, and I'm sure she's extremely proud of the person you've become ❤
Thank you for speaking openly and candidly about this. I am sure this was not easy- to speak about, or to overcome in your life. I am glad you are doing well :) Happy you have found a loving boyfriend, but also can recognize your parents do love you in their own different way. Very important lesson to observe.
Oh Uyen, I think the fact that you are mature enough to see your parents as people and still try with them speaks to how good your character is. It can be so hard with parents, especially when you get older and think "I wouldn't have done it the way they did". I've struggled with this a lot with my parents, and I still haven't figured it out! A wonderful video.
You are the next generation that breaks the chain of certain way of thinking. That is a big reason to be proud of❤
Bin sehr froh dass du nach Deutschland gekommen bist und auch froh, wie gut du reflektieren kannst. Bless you and gbf and all of your family ✨❤️
It took me 19 years to feel somewhat comfortable around my parents and talk to them properly. And I was living in a pretty big city with educated parents. I’m glad that the tradition is gradually changing for vietnamese family to have better relationships
I don't why but this got me crying buckets...I'm a single mom raised by a single mom, too and life just turns out for the better when one tries to see things from a distance...very grateful that you shared this story. Both very happy and very sad and very grateful, too. Huuuuugs to both of you. ❤❤❤
Generational trauma stops with awareness from outside the bubble, and a desire to change. 'Conscious parenting' is the psychological term for parents who work at changing the pattern of behaviour that perpetuates trauma, to be a parent more tuned in to their child's individual needs.
I don’t know you Uyen but I so admire the person you are. So full of kindness and understanding, respectful, intelligent and funny. You had a challenging childhood and have still managed to make a good life for yourself. I hope you continue to be blessed ❤
Uyen, this is possibly my favorite video of all of your videos I have watched. I am so glad I found your channel. I have learned so much from you and German boyfriend, and been delighted along the way!
I'm so happy you are both doing this.🤩🤩🤩😁
I appreciate your understanding and compassion towards your parents. ❤
Wow, this was so beautiful to watch.
I’m not Vietnamese but I grew up and was raised the same way in the U.S. Growth is understanding that parents were doing the best that they could with the resources and knowledge they had .
Sometimes Economic Status of one country affects Family Dynamics as well. Kudos to both parents for bringing up Good Kids.
Understanding why your parents are the way they are, its hard, but very rewarding understanding your parents more, but its difficult bc older generations were taught to hide unpleasant feelings and experiences. It can be healing to you and them to understand what type of childhood they had and how it effects how they raised you. They are like everyone, just trying to do their best with what they have and what they know. Generational trauma is so complicated, but compassion and communication will slowly heal it. And youre doing that, so i know you are helping your parents heal their own childhood by healing yours. Its hard and scary so im very proud of you, i know your only sharing little about your life, but it helps others see they arent alone in their experiences and try to put them in thier parents point of view
Thank you for being so vulnerable and honest, it must have been a little scary to open up on the internet in this way- but we all love you and this video was very enlightening and inspiring ❤❤❤❤
What an interesting story! I am so glad to learn what your life was like as a child and what your boyfriend's life was like also. We moved to the US from N. Ireland and believe it or not, the cultural shock was epic. We had a strict family, and like yours, there was a lot of criticism and beatings for small mistakes. Seeing American children, so free, so indulged, was a shock. In Irish schools we had a lot of discipline but American schools were (and are) too laid back. As a result, I was way ahead of American children in school, could read at a college level at 8 years old, had a great vocabulary, etc. - Our father made us, right away, use American vernacular, learn the Pledge of Allegiance, the National Anthem, everything American. That was important to him. So, I understand the cultural shock of moving to another country and learning how children there were raised in contrast to our own upbringing. Thank you for sharing! Vietnamese have similar outlook as Irish parents! LOL
In (west) Germany, the parenting style changed massively in the 1970s. My parents were regularly beaten and shamed by my grandparents, but they decided (along with many in their generation) to raise us differently. Beating kids was still legal in the 1980s though, I remember being shocked at a friends house when her father hit her across the face for some minor mistake.
I guess we probably have to thank the "68ers" for that. There's a lot of criticism of their generations, but they did manage to change (some) things.
German here, born in 1974.
My parents strongly believed in whoopings and that's what they did up until I was about 12 years old and my period started. At that point they never hit me again.
It was either done with their hand or wooden spoon on the bum. When I was very little, I believe 4 or 5, my mother got very angry with me for something I refused to accept as being at fault for and so I talked back at her and was apparently very sassy.
That day she hit me until the wooden spoon broke, because I was not crying but laughing and telling her it wasn't hurting - which of course it did.
After the spoon broke she stopped and cried and has never hit me again. It was always "wait until your father is home!" and then he did the punishment. Problematic was that she sometimes would tell him and sometimes she didn't. So I never knew what was coming and was stressing about it the whole day.
Weird way of treating your children 😢
Hi dear. I am very happy that you are talking about our culture and happy your parents sent you to school. I didn't have that chance. Take care of yourself and stay healthy ❤🌞
this is so vulnerable, thank you for sharing not just your experiences, but your processing
I love EVERYTHING about this video. Uyennnnn, seriously. You are such a special human. The way you show us these differences, compassionately, and so understanding of everything.. Helps me heal my own inner child difficulties. Always wishing the best for you..Thank you for being vulnerable and real with us.
This is one of the results from trauma, war. It is why I hate people who go around talking as if war is some sort of male group bonding experience. It takes generations to heal. I understand where her mother's strictness came from, I bet her mother is not telling her some of the horrors of what happened, and that she watched and experienced. In war , women bear the brunt of the trauma, and then the shame. Some women never make it out. Uyen seems to be doing the wonderful work of healing the inter generational trauma.
The kindness and understanding with which you analyse both positives and negatives in your upbringing is touching .Thanks for sharing
Hallo Uyen, ich war etwas traurig das Du so eine strenge Kindheit hattest. Zu den Zeiten meiner Großeltern war Deutschland auch noch ganz anders was Erziehung angeht. Du bist trotz dieser Erziehung ein so herzensguter und vor allem lustiger Mensch. Deine ehrliche Offenheit tut so gut. Es gibt wenige Menschen denen man blind vertrauen könnte, aber ich denke Du bist so ein Mensch. Ich mag deine Videos sehr und schaue sie manchmal sogar mehrfach, weil Du so eine unverwechselbare art hast. Ich danke Dir für deine schönen Videos und wünsche Dir und german boyfriend alles Gute, auf das sich all eure Träume erfüllen mögen.
Before I finish this video, I just want to thank you for sharing your experience.
I personally understand what you are saying with "they did the best they could". I think is normal that each culture will have their way of treating and raising their children. Our environment is a reflection of how we turn out.
As much as I understand this, I wish some ways of raising children weren't so toxic. But it is all a matter of boundaries at the end of the day.
My parents aren't perfect, and they did gave me alot of trauma, but I know they tried their best, and that they love me. Doesn't mean I will accept the trauma anymore and won't put boundaries. If they can't accept them, or think I should accept the things that hurt me, I won't be afraid of staying away from them
This video brought me to tears, there’s a lot of trauma that i’ve forgotten, and anything from birth to 17 years old, my memory’s been completely blocked out. A lot of the key points mentioned in this video summarises my childhood completely. I’m 23 now, and i’m still learning to forgive, accept and move on from the past. My parents never knew any better, it’s also their first time living and experiencing life, and although i never understood why they would beat me when I would drop something due to my clumsy nature, nor understood why they dismissed my feelings and compared how I felt to how they felt and the struggles they went through, i’ve come to somehow accept it. As a result of my upbringing, getting beat up and yelled at, I moved out as soon as i could at 18 to live on my own, and i cherish peace. I find comfort in silences, and have learnt to speak to people with a gentle manner. However, with that i’ve become an overly anxious, cry baby, who’s waaay too sensitive, an overthinker, and i also have an anxious attachment to relationships, with fear of failure and only strive to perfection.
I know it’s a long journey to self healing, but i have so much comfort in knowing that i’m not alone. What I’ve taken from this video, is that when i have kids, i just want to shower them with so much love i’ve never received as a child, and make them feel safe in a family dynamic 🥺 it can only get better from here ♥️ sending my healing to everyone else currently going through the same thing. I pray that any generational patterns stop with us
Thank you for sharing. I'm in UK. I know my parents tried to do their best by me. I think your parents did too ❤
This is such an interesting topic. Thank you for sharing!
This video shows how much you have grown and matured. It is a beautiful tribute, not only to your parents, but to your success. You and German Boyfriend will make great parents one day if you decide to have children. Thank-you and I wish you continued growth.
Its weird how much i could relate to everything you have shared about your experience growing up with vietnamese parents. I'm not even vietnamese nor asian and i grew up in a similar dynamic. My parents never told me they loved me and i don't even remember them hugging me or kissing me, i remermber being beaten yes and being yelled at for the littlest things. That i remember. They also put so much emphasis on education, no hobbies, no friends, no travelling. I understand now that i'm in my thirties that they were poor but i also understand that nothing justifies the fear and the harrassment that i was subjected to. Just for being born and for being a human. People shouldnn't have kids if they can't afford them. Or if they know that they can't give them the emotional support and the love they need to grow up into healthy adults.
I agree with you. Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child. I hope you are doing better now, wish you all the best ❤
@@katie18976 Thank you for your wishes. I'm doing actually well. Thanks to my friends, who actually showed me what love is. And how a hug feels like and that if you love someone it wouldn't hurt to tell them that you love them. But as Uyen explained in the video i think my childhood is one of the factors that are keeping me from having kids. And it sucks to just feel like that you missed out of some of the best years of your life " childhood " because you were in survival mode.
@@zorachai7375 I can totally relate. I turned 30 a few months ago and I am at that age when usually women should be starting having children or already have children. I have still no desire to have a child and I don't know if I ever will. I know so many people have suffered more and are still suffering around the world far worse than I did, but unfortunately to this day I have many emotional wounds and childhood traumas that are still unhealed and are painful when talking about them. I do not wish to continue and pass on these generational behaviour patterns to my own children and until I know that I am free of them, I don't know if I ever dare to have children. No child in this world should grow up in a family where they feel unloved, unwanted and unworthy of any affection, love and attention. I didn't know what unconditional love was until I met some of my best friends. I can be my 100% self with them and they will still love me. My whole life I didn't know what it feels like to have someone else accept me for who I am. That I am enough as I am. That feeling is something that money cannot buy and something I don't know if time will ever heal. I have been on this self healing journey for almost 10 years now and I still feel I have a long way to go. But luckily I am not alone and thankfully you are not alone as well 😊 Friends really can be the family we never had 🤗❤️
Thank you sooo much for sharing your childhood experience. This is one of my absolute favorite videos you’ve done.🥹😭❤️❤️
6:54 In Germany children only have held the "right to a non-violent upbringing" since the year 2000. However, the person who has to be thanked for the change in thinking in German parents around the mid-seventies is the Swedish children books author Astrid Lindgren!
Her speech when receiving the Peace Prize of the German Book Trade, on 22 October 1978, titled "Never Violence!" was spread worldwide and led to better legislations, first in her own country Sweden, then in others.
Also studies about the consequences of violent upbringings got more funding. You can read more about this on Wikipedia, the article is titled Never Violence! (English) and Niemals Gewalt! (German).
How cool! Yes, she wrote the Pippi Longstocking books! Thanks so much for sharing that and even showing where one could get more information. Very cool. Have a great day ✌️😊
I didn't know that! Thanks a lot for sharing. I will check it up
Thank you for sharing. Your voice is important, and probably helping so many people. I'm glad you have found a healthier way to live. ❤
Ever since I saw my first video made by you, I was hooked! Thank you for the daily laughs, your perspective and most of all, your vulnerability! I just love you. That is all!
I have German heritage and I have learned more about German habits from your videos than anyone else. My father grew up a ward of the State, in a German Catholic orphanage in Maryland, USA. Your channel has better helped me understand why I do the things I do, from an outsider's perspective.
Thank you for sharing the story of your life with your family in Vietnam Uyen. Your honesty and insight are heartwarming.
Thank you for pouring your heart out and sharing personal life details with us. You’ve helped some people who may be struggling with the same thing. It’s a kind gesture Uyen!
Thank you for your honesty, openness and balanced views (seeing both sides of the story for all involved). I wish you all the best ❤
thank you for sharing Uyen, this was very therapeutic honestly
Thank so much for sharing your story, Uyen. It's so good for healing to be reflecting on all this and seeking to have empathy for your mom and dad. I was a poor single mom and I yelled a lot. I know how hard it is and I am just so grateful that I have had the opportunity to grow a gentler relationship with my son as I have grown and gained security in my life. You are such an incredible human finding your own path and choosing your own life. Of all the things your folks got wrong, they made it possible for you to choose the life you wanted.
Thank you! Thank you for being real and candid; and, vulnerable. There is much to be learned from what you have said; and so many "take aways".
As a Vietnamese woman, I totally connect with some of these points even though I grew up in a big city. Some of your experiences are uniquely related to the northern villages though especially the one about hiring sharmans to solve mental illness. But most other points are spot on. I do believe that our parents did their best for their time because the lack of better parenting examples around them. They grew up during the war so most didn't even get raised by their parents but grandparents. They believe they had to be tough to survive.
Such a beautiful video! And you have expressed yourself so well ❤ Huge respect to your Mommy. She did the best she knew 😊
Well done, well done. You tackled a tough topic with sensitivity, sincerity, and just enough humor to make sure that any audience member whether from the east or the west could be comfortable. BRAVO...
Very important all u said! All in point! Thanks dear!
I support all those changes!
From what you show from your parents, I can tell they have their own love language. And as a German, I also received some slaps from my mom (I'm 36, it was a different time). I was a very difficult kid and she was very stressed because my dad abandoned us gradually and left all the responsibility to her, so she had to ballance work and family by herself. She was very unhappy, but did her best to hide it. She had a lot of love for us and sacrificed a lot for our wellbeing. Today she says she could have handled so many things better, but I hold no grudges. She is an absolute hero for raising my older sister and me to decent people all on her own.
One thing to keep in mind about studying is that in Germany you can earn a good salary even if you take an alternative education path through apprenticeship and working in the industry. So while most parents want their kids to do well in school because it is a sign of status, it is not as existential as it may have been in Vietnam.
I’m Mexican and my parents grew up on the poorer side of Mexico. My mom growing up had few toys such as a baby doll and a tea set. She was the only sister among 4 brothers and she had to cook and clean for them. She was doted on by my grandfather while my grandma tended to show more love towards her brothers. So when me and my siblings grew up in the U.S. she made sure we had plenty of toys (especially me, I’m the youngest😆) and as I’m watching your video I remember all the things my mom did for us she went above and beyond compared so we could have a happier childhood than she had.❤ she and my dad sacrificed and work so hard for us even as we’re adults.
Thank you so much for sharing. 🙏 It's wonderful to see and appreciate the different cultures in the world.
This was very interesting to listen to. Thanks for sharing this with us.❤❤
Your videos are so insightful, Uyen. My in-laws are from Vietnam and your content helps me understand their culture so much more! ❤
Wow, thank you for your honsety Uyen! It's so interesting to hear about someone else's childhood, the good and the bad parts. It also seems like you have worked through this so well, having empathy for your parents and going your own way. Such a healthy approach to the past. Brava! 👏🏻
As a Brazilian kid I can relate to u. Any mistake, even when a cup fall on the floor I would be screamed of, and beaten. My mental health is pretty bad, many physical abuses and it's completely normal in Brazil's families, it's weird 😅 I knew Europeans when I was a teenager and it was do weird for me, their parents were easy going
You are very kind to think about things from your perspective AND from what you can understand of your parent's perspective too.
I'm Vietnamese and have been with my non-Viet husband for 9 years. I didn't realize until year 8 that I do not compliment or verbalize my appreciation my husband enough. Things like working hard for the family or earning degrees was just expected. But you definitely got called out if you failed to meet those expectations.
i related so much to what you shared!!! especially with your feelings towards your mother and her sacrifices.. thank you so much ❤️
Very insightful and kind ... Thank you Uyen for another positive video.
This was amazing! Very insightful
Thank you for sharing your storys, I really enjoy learning from you!
I’m happy to know there are people like you in this world. The grace and love and compassion you view the world with is inspiring. Thank you.
Born and raised in America, But my parents were from Polish, Ukrainian, and strongly German heritage. My father was from strong German roots and was a very warm and loving Dad. Mom not so much. Thank god for my Dad.
Yeah, Slavic countries don't have a strong culture of showing love. Despite that, I saw that my mom tried her best to give me the best childhood and I knew she would protect me at all costs. So despite not saying "I love you" to children, it was kinda obvious that parents do that. In a way, words would sound very, very strange to me, so even if parents told me that, I wouldn't know what to think or feel, because those values were passed differently, not through words. That is why, I would feel weird saying it too, as if words were not a right way to convey that.
@@michadybczak4862 my parents are Slavic and while their parenting style was stricter and more demanding and traditional, they both were very affectionate. There actually is a very strong culture of showing love, but just inside the core family and not in front of others. I actually find my parents to be a lot more affectionate than the parents of my German friends. Especially now, that I'm a grown up! I'm 30 now and most of my German friends barely have a relationship with their parents and are always complaining about them.