These scenarios are selfish 1. Having a baby because you are lonely 2. Having baby to have someone who will love you unconditionally. 3. Having a baby to try to keep your partner in a relationship with you. 4. Having a baby to try to save your failing relationship/marriage. 5. Having a baby because you want a bloodline, 6. Having a baby because you confuse legacy with lineage. 7. having a baby because you want a mini-you. 8. Having a baby in the hopes they will clean your bedpans for free when you get old.
I’m 50. Not having children was the BEST decision I ever made. I knew around age 12 that I had no interest in motherhood, and I’m glad I never bowed to societal expectations.
Was the oldest, guess who got up in the middle of the night to either plug a bottle or PIN (1961) a diaper? With a giant safety pin? At 5 years old? I could never figure out why my parents wouldn't get up, even after my sister was screaming for a half hour! I was actually getting pretty good at it when my parents finally found out what I was doing. The one time my stepfather got up to find me, he barked at me to go to bed while I was wiping her little bottom. I was angry at him for yelling at me like that, but he was better about getting up after that. The baby still screamed for 15 minutes. I called him on the carpet about it 40 years later, made him apologize. Look out parents, nobody remembers like a 5 year old. I never had kids. It was sealed by the time I was in high school. I mean it. Your kid will remember every misstep and arrogance you ever did. Owning up and apologizing will go a long way toward, not only preserving a good relationship with your kids, but they will be more likely to cut you slack for being a fool. So long as you correct it!
@@wandah9468 Agreed! I haven’t spoken to my mother in four years, and never intend to again, because she defends and still feels entitled to engage in her bad behavior. I refuse to tolerate it and she refuses to acknowledge and correct it.
I'm 35. Not having children was the best decision I ever made. I thought about it at 25 but I changed my life. I don't want to be like my family members who have children out of wedlock by multiple men and women because none of them was barely in their children's life. Enjoy your life and be proud to be child free, don't listen to the negative comments.
That is very true. The top reason is to have someone take care of them which seldom happens because nursing homes are filled to the brim. The other top reason is for THEIR legacy. I always find myself in the middle of the children debate but yes the reasons for having children from to many people are very selfish.
I know lot of women who decides to get pregnant just to have an excuse to get out of their parents house, just to ending many times on an abusive relationships where they don't want/can't to get out or as single mothers. Is so sad that women see that this as the only way to escape from their families, is selfish but is also a reflexion of patriarchy. Fortunatly less women go throught this methode, but there're still many of them who keep practicing, specially in poor families.
One important thing Ieaened, from observation, it to never compromise on being child free. Especially if you're female. If a man discovers he doesn't like fatherhood, legally, he can dip anytime. Women don't have that same freedom.
It’s crazy to me when parents tell me (the childfree man) that I am selfish. They go down a list of selfish reasons why they had their children and I can’t help but laugh.
"Not only is it very SELFISH but also EXTREMELY SICK to wish for your kids to witness your death or the process of your demise. I want to spare my kids from having to deal with all the stress and sadness that a human being can experience while watching how their own parents are dying, Therefore I decided to have no kids." ― David Benatar
I am child free as well. Heard all that as a child and teens. I told my parents by 6 , that if I did get married, I would not have kids. I realized early that I was not programmed right mentally to be a good mom. I have been a cat mom for many years and that fulfills me. Also, some medicinal issues I did not want to pass on. s a Woman, this is being self aware of my limitations. I was constantly challenged by peers, I just ignored them. They did not live in my body and mind and the issues I had to deal with. Yes, I never had any urge or want to have children, so I did not. Yep, I am selfish to an extent. So what. My non-being children are not being hurt, because they do not exist. Yes, it got to be annoying when you are always being questioned on your decision. I know one friend was sorry she got pregnant twice and really did not enjoy motherhood but was stuck now, she apologized to me. I told her it was not a problem for me. She felt like she did what was expected, get married, must have kids. I have heard the whole book of why, why, why not. Not all humans are the same or want the same. I think motherhood is a sacred calling. I am an Auntie, talks a village to help raise a child. I am part of that community. At 67, I still stand by my decision.
I'm 59 and I decided when I was in my teens never to have kids. Been married 23 years, no kids, no regrets. I'm a hospice volunteer, so call me selfish if you dare. 😊
I knew at 14, now 47 and zero regrets! People started to believe me at 22 when I broke an engagement over this topic. People in my personal life stopped bugging me by 26. Strangers still sometimes bug me about it, even in my forties. You just gotta let it roll off and stand very confident in your own choice. It becomes less annoying as time goes on, in my opinion, the people pressuring you start to seem pathetic and naive.
I don't understand why people keep questioning others in such a private matter. Society makes it very clear that a kid is 100% your decision and your responsibility, but when you decide you don't want, they it's everybody's business! I'm sorry you have to go through this, it must be annoying, as a person and as a woman, because apparently this is a gender thing (never seen any guy having to justify themselves so much for not wanting kids). I am a mom, my son is 2 and it is really hard. I would never judge you for not wanting
Very valid point about gender! It definitely feels like men don't get judged as much for not wanting kids. I can only assume that's because women are stereotypically seen as the child-bearers and homemakers. Thanks for being judgement free, I really appreciate anyone who hears me out without judgement ❤
@carolkinnunen : I am a man in his late 20s whenever I tell about Childfree I get Worst judgmental behaviour from men itself, from women too. I am from an Asian country.
i feel SO REPRESENTED. I'm 22, decided sometime ago that i dont wanna have kids. i dont want the responsibility, i dont want the pregnancy-childbirth-postpartum pain and suffering, i dont need to have a child to take care of me when im older the most painful thing is that I'm an only child and my mom would love to have a grandkid, which i feel really sorry for, but she's not the one that'll need to take care of this new person for the rest of her life... anyways, great video! ❤
I’m so happy I could be a voice for you! People are going to tell you you’re too young to be sure, but I was saying I didn’t want kids from my early 20s too. The crazy part is, there are many people in their early 20s who are parents already. So apparently it’s okay to decide you do want to have kids at that age, but not okay to decide you don’t lol. It doesn’t make sense!
I have two kids and it's so hard, but I absolutely love it and wouldn't trade motherhood for anything. But, if you're not ready to commit your body, time, identity, finances, sleep, home, personal space, and entire world to your children, don't have them. Honestly, I'd rather people have the guts to admit they don't want to do that, than have their children grow up with parents who don't care. I used to work in social services and just wanted to scream at some of the parents to cut the crap and just surrender their kids because they clearly did not care and did not want them. Seriously, I respect and support your choice.
I have 2 kids and I never understand why people who choose not to have them get so much hate. I certainly don't expect my kids to have kids when they're older, if they don't want to.
Same here. I am not and never was childfree (I was childless until age 33) but can't understand why some people say being childfree is selfishness. I'm like..."Selfish, how? No one owes you a child!"
Male. Gen Y. single, unmarried and childless. My Reasons. 1. The world is a trash fire. 2. Product of divorce. Seen a lot of divorce, failed marriages, family history on both sides is comprised of drinking culture and domestic violence. 3. Seen alot of deaths. Parents bury their children. I've even gone to the funerals of schoolmates. 4. Fear of divorce / Fear my offspring will advance my in death / Fear of being a shit dad, shit husband, shit family man. 5. I'm a semi hermit that lives and fights for himself. 6. I trust no one. 7. Such is life.
I admire anyone that is willing to put themselves out there and talk about this topic. When I was 25 I felt like I dont want to have a kid. I am 38 now and still feel the same. The right choice would feel peaceful to you regardless of what people say. Thank you for talking about this.
I’m 48 and CF! I thank my younger self aaaaall the time for that. I knew around 8 that I never wanted to have kids. I enjoy kids and babies, but in small doses. I also have a CF Boomer friend and she has so much extra money, time, and energy to travel. She looks twenty years younger than she is. I also knew a 90 year old CF lady who passed away about 5 years ago. She was very satisfied with her life and had a ton of cool experiences. She wrote for Vogue, hung out with Andy Warhol, and was a general hell raiser. I think being CF should be the norm these days and people who want kids should be raked over the coals to be sure they’ll be good parents.
I absolutely adore kids, especially the very little ones. That's why I became a teacher. I have no children, but do have a niece and nephew and so many cute little cousins. At almost 58 years old, I still have NO REGRETS being child free. Keep doing what's right for you and thanks for the video.
I agree! I originally said that in the video but then I cut it out lol. I think especially considering overpopulation and climate change. If you really wanted to be selfless, you wouldn't have kids in order to protect the greater good of the planet. Having kids despite all of that is the most selfish thing I can imagine
Honestly if anyone really wanted to be a parent they could just adopt, it's cheaper and less stressful for the woman. Not to mention that they'd be giving a home to a child who really needs one.
Heres my answer that really pisses people off who have kids. "I love my potential children too much to bring them into this broken world, and suffer them to live in this dystopia."
"Who will take care of you when you're old?" is stupid question to me. All those arguments are stupid, but this is most stupid imo. 1. My potential children are not my potential slaves. They're going to have their lives and potentially their children to take care of as well. 2. They're no guarantee my children doesn't die before me for different reasons. 3. Children could be born or become sick and not able to take care of me when I'm old. 4. By the time I become old my children could be old and need care as well. 5. Demanding care from your children just for the fact you gave birth to them is selfish and manipulative. It was your decision to birth them, not their demand. People who say this often ignore the fact that death, illnesses and age exists not only for us, but for our children as well. They don't live in reality, but in fantasy world when children and parents are happy, healthy and children always outlive their parents.
I can finally breathe. I'm 24 and don't want children. Both my parents and my in-laws are extremely offended and are in disbelief. There's no crazy reason I opted out, and that's what pisses people off... My husband and I know what we want as goals, and raising children isn't part of it. No grand excuse needed. Much respect goes out to the parents though, I absolutely love my parents and am happy to care for them as they age. It'd be hard to do that part with children too since both my parents are seniors now.
@empresswilandefrederici86 He's definitely on the same page as me. We love being auntie and uncle together though ❤️ We get my siblings children any time we want the company, and we can afford to spoil them which is so much fun around Christmas 🤩
Yes to all this 👏👏👏 Just turned 36 and my husband and I are still happy with our choice to be child free. The only thing that makes me feel uncomfortable or bad at times are peoples perceptions and comments, but I love our life. I also love that we get to be there for our nieces and support the parents around us that little bit more because of our time freedom.❤
If someone comes with the comment “who’s going to take care of you when you’re older“ The question to ask them is how many children today are taking care of their elderly and is it a rising or an declining number? How many children are even taking the time to visit their grandparents or parents every week?
I work at a network of nursing homes. We have many, many residents who never receive visits from their family. It's incredibly sad. Having a child is not a guarantee that someone will automatically want to care for you in old age.
Being a mother is probably the only thing that could make me happy and I still choose to be child-free. If we were living in paradise; I’d have 2 children, a boy and a girl 🥰
Gonna be 39 this year, no kids and my mom is totally fine with it. I knew from an early age it wasn't for me. Teenagers often find me pretty easy to talk to, though, and I've been there to listen to them and offer sympathy or advice, so it's not like I'm not trying to help future generations. Raising kids takes a village, and it's totally fine to be the cool aunt/uncle/relative/person who is just there trying to help. Sometimes people have toxic families who can't/won't put their children first and treat them well. We're all operating under the assumption that the person we're telling to have kids is ready for them, will be a good parent, and will do whatever it takes to help them become decent human beings. I will do that, just for kids that I haven't pushed out of my own hoo-ha lol. Being childfree means that you have freed up time and resources that you can use to help the children who are already here.
100%, I feel the same way! I just spent the day hanging out with two friends who have kids, and I have the energy and availability to be present and enjoy time with the children. I would much rather do that and be a positive influence on children that already exist
@@deannedennis Absolutely!! You do NOT need to be a parent to be a positive influence to a child and you do NOT need to have kids to be valid and loving. My best father figure isn't related to me at ALL and he's amazing!
Beyond being childfree or having children (or adopting children), I'm happy to live in a time where we have CHOICE ! Or, at least, we are living in contries where we can choose. I'm so sorry some people are disrespectful with the childfree way of life. It's unfair, we should be lead our life as we want without being patronized. And some are forgetting how misérable is a life when parents did not wanted to have a child. I know about it, trust me.
I don’t like children. Sorry, but I just don’t. I’m happy to interact with my siblings children for short periods but I can’t deal with them for very long. And I absolutely can’t deal with screaming, crying children. When I was a teenager I did quite a bit of babysitting, it was more than enough to convince me that I never wanted to have to do it on a full time basis. Call me selfish if you want, but if I had a child I guarantee you that neither of us would thrive.
"How long do I have to put up with 'you'll change your mind'?" Most people in my world backed off around the time I was turning 40. Instead, they shifted gears to BS like "Well, I hope you don't regret that when you're old and alone." *eyeroll*
I am almost 70 yrs old and have known since I was 10 yrs old that I NEVER WANTED CHILDREN!!! I have NEVER CHANGED MY MIND!!! It's a.PERSONAL choice!!! No explanation required!
Thanks for speaking up on this important issue! I am a childfree guy in North Italy and it's hard to find understanding people when all around me are parents.
It's really disgusting the way some people make critical remarks about such a private matter as not wanting kids. I think it's probably coming from people who base so much of their identity on being a parent that they can't even conceive of someone who doesn't think like them i.e. it's projection. Embarrassing for them really. People don't make a big fuss over people who don't want pets, people who don't do X or Y so why so invested in what a woman does with her uterus?
People who push you to have a kid might just be jealous of your freedom. Having a kid means taking care of someone for at least 18 years, and maybe for life if they have a genetic disorder. Genetic testing around 18 weeks isn’t always spot on. You deserve to live your life the way you want. Those people who are saying otherwise probably don't work on themselves.
I had my son at age 16. I wasn't planning on being a single mother, but he didn't want to handle his responsibilities. He was NEVER in the picture. Knowing what I know now (I'm 56), if i hadn't had my son, I would be child free right now.
I have 3 children..now they are 23,22 and 19. Yes, it was fun while they were little. But all the stress, hurt and debts I've been going through.... unbelievable! I tried to raise them as best as I could ....but their changing personality just shocks and disappoints me. 😢
Being a parent,.......it's not easy, let me tell you straight as a father of two and taking on two more that were not my own. Allow me to tell you this slowly......it's - VERY - hard - work. Stressful, time consuming, demanding , it is hard for men and even harder for women because they are making a sacrifice. Being a parent, it requires financial stability, dedication, maturity, wisdom, patience, love, kindness, understanding. The children are top priority, they must come first, you are secondary and you have to accept that you become second best to your partner. If you love your child more than you love yourself it's all worth it in the end. I know that from experience.
@@deannedennis Thank you for your very welcome and positive response. My sincere best wishes. My children and step children hare adults now, just my youngest son is still at home with me and Nicola so life is easier. Best wishes.
Sir, I appreciate your honesty, however, children should never be the top priority. I was taught God first, than you and your spouse’s relationship, than children. If your relationship with your spouse is second to your children- the firm base of a family which is your relationship with your wife will not be secure. Too many times I have seen Women prioritize their children over the husband and the marriage slowly disintegrate. To have a healthy family, there must be a vibrant relationship between husband and wife. My parents like many, put us often above their personal relationship. Around 8 years I noticed how little time off from being parents they had. So I talked to my older brother and we decided to encourage them to go for coffee once a week just to be together and talk- no kid talk we said. My Mom protested it would be too expensive, they - in the 60’s , they did not have much extra cash but Dad said “ let’s try it”. Mom said” we can have coffee at home”. Dad said” yes, I know But- try it once, for me”. They came to love those times, where they could just enjoy an uninterrupted time with each other. My Mom said to me as a teen, that the first time was awkward, no talking about us? They just looked at each other like what do we talk about? I looked at her like-- Really, seriously. They were always communicating with each other, but sitting down for a Time Alone, just them, and they felt awkward. It kinda shocked them both. But she admitted they needed a decompress time to really check in with how the other one was doing. Children notice the stress between parents , or dislike , or indifferent to each other. Children internalize that. A happy marriage is the foundation for children to thrive. To allow a child to think he is the centre of the Universe , is to undermine the effort to teach a Child not to be selfish., take responsibility for their Words and Actions. Care about others, the surrounding Community, Nature - that we all must be Caretakers of our little place in the World. By seeing that Mom and Dad have something more together than just them. A Private World they alone are privy to nurtured by Respect, Honest but gentle communication and Passion for life and each other.
I really appreciate you posting this. You are not alone in this choice and it BLOWS my mind why people are so particularly offended by women who choose to not have kids. Im pretty sure its fueled by closeted internalized misogyny. Many people cant deal with the a woman who doesnt sacrifice herself to become a mother. It doesn't fit their traditional gender role expectation. Its so sad that people cant look within their own bias to see this. Instead they project sooo much judgment. Smh. I personally I would like to have kids in the future, but im waiting and taking my time lol! Im not ready for that are you kidding me? but even still, i absolutely understand women who dont want kids and 100% respect your decision. You shouldnt even have to explain. Like? Why is that so hard for people lmaooo?
Exactly!! Thank you for this comment. People don't know how to deal with things that don't fit traditional norms, and they project judgement and criticism. I received similar questioning and judgement around being a digital nomad as well. I found out recently that my mum is going around telling people I'm "homeless" because I travel full-time lol 😂 I think the hate towards childfree people comes from two main things - misogyny and jealousy. I feel like a lot of women in the past didn't feel like they had any other choice, or they thought they were making the right choice, and now they regret it. That's why I want to make a community on RUclips of freedom seekers who break social norms and live for themselves
Same. I've also been told that I'm "not normal" for not wanting to have kids. I feel strongly that I am not meant to be a mother and I don't think it makes me a freak. I find it insulting that anyone would think that my personal choice, which affects them in no way at all, is so difficult for them to accept, just because it is not what they understand. I feel sorry for them being so brainwashed by society and I know it's their issue,not mine, but I still hate it when they say that.
I am a childfree myself. I don't blame you for not wanting to be a mother it's alot emotional physical and mentally by becoming a mother your giving up your individuality and freedom and also peace of mind. being a mother is one of the hardest jobs on planet earth.
I remember how sad I felt for my own mother, when I realized at about 12 yo that she hasn't had anything else going for her except being "Moooooooooom" every damn day. She was a stay at home mom due to us being so sick with my bro all the time. The first time I saw her being herself, an individual, a woman, a human, was when she went back to work when I was about 14. I realized I don't even know who she is as a person, I just know her as my mother. I felt selfish that we kept her for so many years at home, to be "just" a mom, and let me tell you, she was the person who wanted to be a mom all her life. But even then it was hard for her to lose herself in the process. Btw all my life I have been known as my father's daughter, bcs he is known in the community, so I have always felt like I am not my own person. SO I get what you mean with not wanting to be like just a mom of xyz. 83 million people born per year???? :O And how many are dying per year? This seems like a crazy number!!!! :O I agree with all your points. I am currently living in a new country and for me it was easy to pack my stuff and move somewhere, but imagine with a family...When I was a kid I always wanted to be alone, was always happy if my family went somewhere without me and I had the house all to myself (Home Alone anyone? :D). Now in my own house I love the organized living I have, that I fought so hard for to achieve and to be able to afford, have my home away from all the chaos and drama of the world... Talking from my own experience, if one of my friends died and their kids were alone, I would for sure step up and adopt them and do all I can to provide a life for them, bcs I hate suffering, especially seeing kids suffer unnecessarily. Plus I don't need to have a DNA connection to a kid to have feelings for them. This is why I had a thought in the past about adopting, bcs there are so many kids in the world, who are already here and why not try to make their lives better? But then my country's government made such strong rules about who can adopt and who cannot that I basically wasn't eligible anymore. I took it as a sign. Whenever I visit my friends with kids, I am so happy for them and I keep asking them about their kids and they like me and all that, but I am always happy to return home to my own life and would feel so bad about doing the same things they do on a daily basis, if I had to do this for years and years too. I know they get the love with it too, but for me, it just doesn't balance out the hardships and chores of motherhood. Two of my grandparents died in hospice and it wasn't us who took care of them (we weren't able to handle the amount of pain they had and we weren't medical professionals). Just saying. One died in her sleep. One is still alive, so...But generally, you cannot predict how much someone will need to be taken care of when they are old, so...just to have kids for this... Plus you don't even know how long you're gonna live, so what if I have kids and then I die in 4 years...then what? (I could provide a hundred scenarios like this, but of course none of us know what will be...)
First of all, thank you for taking the time to write this detailed reply! Welcome to my little community here on RUclips. I've always felt that kind of sadness when I think about my mother. I don't really know who she is as a woman either, and I don't think she does anymore now. She had me when she was 20 (not planned), so I feel like I took her youth away. Yupp, the population growth is out of control. We were at 1 billion in the 1800s, now we're at over 8 billion and growing in 2024. I feel the same way about the organized living I've worked for. I love children, but as you say, that's not enough to negate the disadvantages that come with motherhood. Sorry to hear about your grandparents!
thank you! i'm 22 and i DO want to adopt in the future but my family can't accept that... can't imagine how much pressure someone who has chosen to be childfree has to feel constantly
I know this is going to sound terrible but you won't know until you are in your 30s if you don't really want kids. 22 is still young. You may be 100 percent sure and will never give birth. However the overwhelming majority of women get baby fever. The drive to have children is very strong and defies all logic. So what can you do? Well understand that you are in the minority and young right now and no one thinks you are a bad person. From now on, everyone will bother you to get married and have children. That is how it is. Water is wet, grass is green and your Aunties and parents expect children.
@@sirennoir258At 22 we’re expected to choose our career path etc. but you’re telling me at the same time we’re too young to choose not having children? If it “defies all logic” should it really be encouraged? Shouldn’t such a huge decision be made from a point of logic and understanding instead of out of an impulse? If you regret it not only will you suffer but so will the child. I know plenty of miserable moms, many of them even actively having wanted to become moms from a very young age. And no one gets to expect anything from us, we don’t owe them sacrificing our body and wellbeing to pop out a child they won’t even be taking care of but just occasionally visiting.
omg that one person. I find it so disrespectful to say adopted children aren't your REAL children. and that whole 'baby fever' line of argument is just bizzare and creepy
my mom is disabled and unable to work. my brother and I are grown adults, yet she is stuck in the mother and housewife position without actually having to take care of us anymore but she is kinda stuck in that. Like she can't really grasp that we're adults now and she doesnt like to be reminded of that. i never wanna live like that
That happens to so many people. This is exactly what I mean when I talk about people losing their identity when they become a mother. People become so conditioned to it that they can't let it go and end up stuck in it, even after their kids have left
Plus, u look so young and that's another benefit of not having kids is that you don't age as fast as mothers do, my mom looks older than her age and I personally don't want to end up like her. Ima follow the same lifestyle as u.
People my age who have kids look 10+ years older than me lol. That's because of so many factors. Pregnancy puts your body through a lot both physically and hormonally. Then there's the sleep deprivation, stress etc. Of course it's gonna age you. When people tell me I look younger than my age, I don't think that's actually true. I think I look 30, but I look like a 30 year old who cares for her health and doesn't have kids lol. This is what I'm supposed to look like.
My teacher tried to convince me that we humans are made to procreate when I said I was a childree, he tried to convince me even though I explained that I have a genetic disease that would be passed on in a more serious way to my children. He used the card of "what do you consider healthy?" and I'm talking about mental and cognitive problems and risk of malformation. Two days later he was talking to another teacher about going to court to reduce the child support he pays his children and that he prefers not to go on vacation at the same time as his children. Daddy of the year.
I never understood people’s need to be in other peoples business about having kids or not. But I would like to comment on the first point. Anything you do you lose a bit of yourself into. Relationships, work, friends. You put yourself into each of these things and they change you. It blows my mind, as someone one who could never rely on their mom, that people expect that from their parents. Most of the time, if I need to call my mom, I pray she doesn’t answer. She doesn’t know much about my life and really hasn’t since I was a teenager and I’m 36 now. I didn’t even want her at my wedding.
I LOVE working with kids and babysitting but I NEVER want to be have kids. I still might adopt or foster in the future but as far as getting pregnant goes that’s something I never want to do!
I wish our society would RESPECT our individual choices!!! I am a parent that’s because I genuinely love children, but I don’t judge others if the choice NOT to have children. Being a parent is hard work, but I willing to commit to my kids, and I made sure to find someone who felt the same way. Not everyone is built to be a parent and there people who have children that have NO BUSINESS of being a parent!!! It’s perfectly fine if you choose not to have children (know thy self).
I never fully understood the position on "being child-free=selfish" Like how is it selfish? And when I ask, I don't really get a straightforward answer
I am happy there are people who voice for child free and your reasons resonate with mine. If my future girlfriend said not to have children, I fully support her for that! ^=^ I love children but I lack the commitment to do so >
7:08 Here's a counter argument i like to use: Would you go up the vegan and tell them they should eat dairy products because some people are lactose intolerant? Probably not cuz that's just their life choice.
the sleep depravation, maintaining relationships with parents of friends and feeling of responsibility for the rest of your life, even if the child is an adult are the main reasons why i don't want to have childen. if i would have them, i'm sure i would be a good mum, but i would be sooooooooo unhappy. and if someone say"who will take care of you when you grow old?" well, i know plenty of stories, when child go abroad, and thats it. thats your companionship as old man. sorry for my not great english :)
I was 14 when I knew I never wanted to experience pregnancy and never wanted a child. I felt deep in my heart it was not for me. I'm 55 now and have no regrets at all. I had to listen for years to all the comments you mentioned. Disrespect in the worst way in my opinion.
I love hearing of others who knew very early on. I was positive by 14 that I NEVER wanted to become a parent. But even around 11-12 I was starting to really question it and think "but could I possibly NOT do that?" especially when I started to babysit these sweet, pleasant children. I didn't mind the job so much but the idea of actually BEING a parent even later on at 27 or 30 yrs old was horrific to me. It was like if someone told me I had to become a mountain climber and wear no clothing. Hard to even accept. So I didn't! Yay (47 and happily childfree)
Thank you, for making this video ❤ This is a great video. I worked in retirement living, barely any children actually take care of their parents when they get old. And nowadays most parents are old taking care of their irresponsible adult children. 😢
I hear this a lot about retirement homes etc. It's really sad. So yeah, the whole question of "who will take care of you when you're old" is pretty redundant.
I'm 35, never been married with no children at all. I hear those comments myself but i don't care because I want to travel and enjoy my life because I work hard for it. I want to have fun while I'm still here.
Hello to all. I think Oscar Wilde said it best: "Living as one wishes to live is not selfish. Expecting others to live as one wishes to live is selfish." So, if someone tells us we are selfish because we do not want children, then they are the selfish person.
This is so wild to me as someone who is also voluntarily childless. I have never had any pressure to have children but knowing me, I have no doubt at all that I would just dispose of anyone from my life if they did try that with me. I’m not a broodmare, so my reproductive choice is my own. If someone has a problem with it, they can make the choice to get out of my life and not engage with me at all, but I would never tolerate anyone who thinks they are entitled to or seek to control my body. Some of ya’ll need to change your circle of you can.
My nana can't get over I won't have children so her legacy will live on, I'm an only child and she is coming to grips with her but im nit signing up for 18 years plus just for her legacy I told her to start a charity or scholarship in her name then
As always, I feel like all the negativity from parents or the non-childfree boils down to jealousy. Pure and simple. Have you ever heard someone accuse someone of "rubbing it in my face" over something they wouldn't be jealous of? Who would say something like "You lost your job today and don't know how you'll afford to even eat now? Don't rub it in my face!" No one. You accuse people of "rubbing it in my face" when you are jealous and feel like they are bragging, knowing you are in a worse off or lesser situation than they are.
I find that argument "you might change your mind one day" quite interesting because it goes both ways. And it IS true. If you decide not to have kids, you might change your mind one day. If you decide to have kids, you might change your mind about that, too. The only thing is, if you are with a kid, there's no going back. And if you decide that you do want a kid after all, you can try and have one, or, if that's not biologically attainable anymore, you can adopt. As for the selfishness argument, it is so blaringly evident that choosing to reproduce is the most selfish thing you could possibly do. I attest to that as a mother of one. Tis true. 😊
I honestly don't understand why anyone has an opinion about our lives. Also, the amount of hits when you google "I regret having kids" is astronomical!
I am choosing to not be a mother because: i suffer from extreme depression. I am on medication but i do have bouts of it that i have to fight through. I do not want a child surrounded by that
You have such a kind sweet voice, Id love to be able to travel like you but work keeps me held back, I really need to start finding remote work, id love to here tips on how get started doing that. I thought I wanted kids but really it would hold me back from all my dreams, ive just turned 30 and still not travelled much at all but that will change soon I hope, I also dream of living on a canal boat because I want to constantly travel and be in nature, and whilst I love kids and I will miss out on the joy of raising them, having kids means putting them through school which means having to stay in one location which sounds like a boring life to me.
I've always dreamed of living on a canal boat too! Don't overthink about your age - 30 is still young! You still have so much time to do all the things you want to do.
If you are not intrinsically motivated to have children, then the most adult decision you can make for the long term, is to not have them. Critics be damned. I have never wished for children, and i will not be coerced into parenthood. My hope is that more young woman will be able to freely reflect over this choice in the future, because i subscribe to the notion that freedom is the ultimate and final good in this life.
I'm going to turn 40 in July and I'm childfree by choice the reasons why I'm childfree because kids are very expensive and I don't want to experience how painful childbirth is having kids is a choice and being childfree is also a choice I know that not every person in the world is not going to want to have any kids at all to me being childfree is the best decision I have ever made
I tell people that my parents abused me in ways that would make me cry if I saw someone doing the same to a small child, I raised myself and my siblings, so I'm tired and I've done my part with child raising. They shut up after that. PS - 30 here. You are so smart to cut the guys with dreams of kids loose. I was a moron in my early 20s and married a man who said we could figure it out after marriage. It's not working out for either of us.
I'm so sorry you went through that! Unfortunately I've done my part with child raising too. I've been engaged to someone who wanted kids and had a few long-term relationships with people who wanted kids too. Thankfully I learned my lesson!
People really do say No7 to childless people, sadly not realising that the strength of love they feel for their offspring is not true love stronger than any other type of love it’s just brain chemistry that triggers once you have a child in order to prevent you rejecting the infant as you are now entering the hardest part of your life and if these brain chemicals don’t cascade into your system at that time, the infant is at risk of neglect. Anyone who has suffered post natal depression knows this and anyone who has been removed from their birth families due to parental neglect knows this is the case. Only people who have been lucky enough to experience the brain chemistry after their baby being born cannot tell the difference any more between that and true love. The continuation of the human race depends on that brain chemistry happening so it makes sense that those who haven’t got the responsibility of parenting don’t get that effect. Unfortunately studies have shown that the effect wears off, regret not always but in some cases sets in, and more childfree adults end their lives happy with their choices than those who have had children.
So true about the brain chemistry thing! Another part of that is that once people are done having children, they tend to lose attraction and interest in their romantic partners. This is because the reason why we're attracted to them in the first place is because hormonally we want to reproduce. From an animalistic level, men want to get women pregnant and women want to create and nurture life. As soon as we're done playing those roles, romantic and sexual attraction tends to diminish substantially.
![Felix "Unfair" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/Oswujxm2Ag0/mqdefault.jpg)
"You're right, I am selfish, and that quality would make for a bad parent, I'm glad we agree."
Amazing comeback!
Notice not once did you mention dads@@deannedennis
These scenarios are selfish
1. Having a baby because you are lonely
2. Having baby to have someone who will love you unconditionally.
3. Having a baby to try to keep your partner in a relationship with you.
4. Having a baby to try to save your failing relationship/marriage.
5. Having a baby because you want a bloodline,
6. Having a baby because you confuse legacy with lineage.
7. having a baby because you want a mini-you.
8. Having a baby in the hopes they will clean your bedpans for free when you get old.
PREACHHHHHH!!!!!!!
YT asked me to review your comment, I gave it an 'excellent' 🏆
It’s such a shame that we’re JUST NOW starting realize that these are terrible reasons to have children.
The irony of #2 is that if you want all those other things, then you the parents obviously have conditions and it often doesn’t work.
@@AmyMichelleMosier FACTSSSS
I’m 50. Not having children was the BEST decision I ever made. I knew around age 12 that I had no interest in motherhood, and I’m glad I never bowed to societal expectations.
I'm 53, I also knew that I never wanted kids when I was a kid. I've never had any regrets, I've only felt more secure in my choice the older I get.
Joining you ladies--decided as a youngster not to have kids and at 59 I'm happy with just my hubby and me!
Was the oldest, guess who got up in the middle of the night to either plug a bottle or PIN (1961) a diaper? With a giant safety pin? At 5 years old? I could never figure out why my parents wouldn't get up, even after my sister was screaming for a half hour! I was actually getting pretty good at it when my parents finally found out what I was doing.
The one time my stepfather got up to find me, he barked at me to go to bed while I was wiping her little bottom. I was angry at him for yelling at me like that, but he was better about getting up after that. The baby still screamed for 15 minutes.
I called him on the carpet about it 40 years later, made him apologize.
Look out parents, nobody remembers like a 5 year old.
I never had kids. It was sealed by the time I was in high school.
I mean it. Your kid will remember every misstep and arrogance you ever did.
Owning up and apologizing will go a long way toward, not only preserving a good relationship with your kids, but they will be more likely to cut you slack for being a fool. So long as you correct it!
@@wandah9468 Agreed! I haven’t spoken to my mother in four years, and never intend to again, because she defends and still feels entitled to engage in her bad behavior. I refuse to tolerate it and she refuses to acknowledge and correct it.
I'm 35. Not having children was the best decision I ever made. I thought about it at 25 but I changed my life. I don't want to be like my family members who have children out of wedlock by multiple men and women because none of them was barely in their children's life. Enjoy your life and be proud to be child free, don't listen to the negative comments.
When you ask people who have kids why they did, they give very selfish reasons as well.
Such a good point!
That is very true.
The top reason is to have someone take care of them which seldom happens because nursing homes are filled to the brim.
The other top reason is for THEIR legacy.
I always find myself in the middle of the children debate but yes the reasons for having children from to many people are very selfish.
For real
I know lot of women who decides to get pregnant just to have an excuse to get out of their parents house, just to ending many times on an abusive relationships where they don't want/can't to get out or as single mothers. Is so sad that women see that this as the only way to escape from their families, is selfish but is also a reflexion of patriarchy. Fortunatly less women go throught this methode, but there're still many of them who keep practicing, specially in poor families.
Childfree Bingo!! I'm 54, never changed my mind, married for 35 years, no regrets.
Thank you for sharing! It's so affirming and confirming to hear other people's stories
You’re so lucky to have found a partner who shares your sentiment on a childfree lifestyle I envy you!
I am 77, never married, no kids, and very happy.
It’s insane to me how people fail to realize that having kids really isn’t a necessity in a world full of 8 billion people…
I know!
And even if it was indeed a necessity, I wouldn't do that lol
I’m 36 and here from the future to say being childfree is still great 👍
🎉 Thank you!
"I dont want someone to need me like i need my mom." Every bit of this!!!!!
One important thing Ieaened, from observation, it to never compromise on being child free. Especially if you're female. If a man discovers he doesn't like fatherhood, legally, he can dip anytime. Women don't have that same freedom.
Amongst other things, the fact that life is just full of pain and suffering, is what made me have the mindset i have about having kids.
This is also the reason for me the most
This is the exact reason I don't want to have kids.
This is my top reason!
I don't want to be a super hero. I just want to have a peaceful life 😂😂😂
I'm a 24 year old man. My family expected me to have kids super young, but I knew since I was a kid myself I never wanted them.
24 is super young. ❤ I'm Generation X and almost 53.
It’s crazy to me when parents tell me (the childfree man) that I am selfish. They go down a list of selfish reasons why they had their children and I can’t help but laugh.
"Not only is it very SELFISH but also EXTREMELY SICK to wish for your kids to witness your death or the process of your demise. I want to spare my kids from having to deal with all the stress and sadness that a human being can experience while watching how their own parents are dying, Therefore I decided to have no kids."
― David Benatar
Childfree at 38. My God, did I dodge a bullet.
I am child free as well. Heard all that as a child and teens. I told my parents by 6 , that if I did get married, I would not have kids. I realized early that I was not programmed right mentally to be a good mom. I have been a cat mom for many years and that fulfills me. Also, some medicinal issues I did not want to pass on. s a Woman, this is being self aware of my limitations. I was constantly challenged by peers, I just ignored them. They did not live in my body and mind and the issues I had to deal with. Yes, I never had any urge or want to have children, so I did not. Yep, I am selfish to an extent. So what. My non-being children are not being hurt, because they do not exist. Yes, it got to be annoying when you are always being questioned on your decision. I know one friend was sorry she got pregnant twice and really did not enjoy motherhood but was stuck now, she apologized to me. I told her it was not a problem for me. She felt like she did what was expected, get married, must have kids. I have heard the whole book of why, why, why not. Not all humans are the same or want the same. I think motherhood is a sacred calling. I am an Auntie, talks a village to help raise a child. I am part of that community. At 67, I still stand by my decision.
Thank you for sharing your story with me ❤
I'm 59 and I decided when I was in my teens never to have kids. Been married 23 years, no kids, no regrets. I'm a hospice volunteer, so call me selfish if you dare. 😊
I knew at 14, now 47 and zero regrets! People started to believe me at 22 when I broke an engagement over this topic. People in my personal life stopped bugging me by 26. Strangers still sometimes bug me about it, even in my forties. You just gotta let it roll off and stand very confident in your own choice. It becomes less annoying as time goes on, in my opinion, the people pressuring you start to seem pathetic and naive.
100%, I don't think the bugging and questioning will ever stop, but my views on the people questioning me are definitely evolving
I don't understand why people keep questioning others in such a private matter. Society makes it very clear that a kid is 100% your decision and your responsibility, but when you decide you don't want, they it's everybody's business! I'm sorry you have to go through this, it must be annoying, as a person and as a woman, because apparently this is a gender thing (never seen any guy having to justify themselves so much for not wanting kids). I am a mom, my son is 2 and it is really hard. I would never judge you for not wanting
Very valid point about gender! It definitely feels like men don't get judged as much for not wanting kids. I can only assume that's because women are stereotypically seen as the child-bearers and homemakers. Thanks for being judgement free, I really appreciate anyone who hears me out without judgement ❤
@carolkinnunen : I am a man in his late 20s whenever I tell about Childfree I get Worst judgmental behaviour from men itself, from women too.
I am from an Asian country.
i feel SO REPRESENTED. I'm 22, decided sometime ago that i dont wanna have kids. i dont want the responsibility, i dont want the pregnancy-childbirth-postpartum pain and suffering, i dont need to have a child to take care of me when im older
the most painful thing is that I'm an only child and my mom would love to have a grandkid, which i feel really sorry for, but she's not the one that'll need to take care of this new person for the rest of her life...
anyways, great video! ❤
I’m so happy I could be a voice for you!
People are going to tell you you’re too young to be sure, but I was saying I didn’t want kids from my early 20s too. The crazy part is, there are many people in their early 20s who are parents already. So apparently it’s okay to decide you do want to have kids at that age, but not okay to decide you don’t lol. It doesn’t make sense!
Tell your mum to volunteer in a school or a childrens home, lots of children need grandmas x
I have two kids and it's so hard, but I absolutely love it and wouldn't trade motherhood for anything. But, if you're not ready to commit your body, time, identity, finances, sleep, home, personal space, and entire world to your children, don't have them. Honestly, I'd rather people have the guts to admit they don't want to do that, than have their children grow up with parents who don't care. I used to work in social services and just wanted to scream at some of the parents to cut the crap and just surrender their kids because they clearly did not care and did not want them. Seriously, I respect and support your choice.
I have 2 kids and I never understand why people who choose not to have them get so much hate. I certainly don't expect my kids to have kids when they're older, if they don't want to.
Same here. I am not and never was childfree (I was childless until age 33) but can't understand why some people say being childfree is selfishness. I'm like..."Selfish, how? No one owes you a child!"
Male. Gen Y. single, unmarried and childless. My Reasons.
1. The world is a trash fire.
2. Product of divorce. Seen a lot of divorce, failed marriages, family history on both sides is comprised of drinking culture and domestic violence.
3. Seen alot of deaths. Parents bury their children. I've even gone to the funerals of schoolmates.
4. Fear of divorce / Fear my offspring will advance my in death / Fear of being a shit dad, shit husband, shit family man.
5. I'm a semi hermit that lives and fights for himself.
6. I trust no one.
7. Such is life.
Who dares to even comment on any decisions that private?! I even get annoyied once someone gets too nosy about my private life.
I admire anyone that is willing to put themselves out there and talk about this topic. When I was 25 I felt like I dont want to have a kid. I am 38 now and still feel the same. The right choice would feel peaceful to you regardless of what people say. Thank you for talking about this.
❤
I’m 48 and CF! I thank my younger self aaaaall the time for that. I knew around 8 that I never wanted to have kids. I enjoy kids and babies, but in small doses. I also have a CF Boomer friend and she has so much extra money, time, and energy to travel. She looks twenty years younger than she is. I also knew a 90 year old CF lady who passed away about 5 years ago. She was very satisfied with her life and had a ton of cool experiences. She wrote for Vogue, hung out with Andy Warhol, and was a general hell raiser.
I think being CF should be the norm these days and people who want kids should be raked over the coals to be sure they’ll be good parents.
making a conscious decision based on what you know about yourself is never selfish.
I absolutely adore kids, especially the very little ones. That's why I became a teacher. I have no children, but do have a niece and nephew and so many cute little cousins. At almost 58 years old, I still have NO REGRETS being child free. Keep doing what's right for you and thanks for the video.
Having kids is actually the most selfish thing one can do.
I agree! I originally said that in the video but then I cut it out lol.
I think especially considering overpopulation and climate change. If you really wanted to be selfless, you wouldn't have kids in order to protect the greater good of the planet. Having kids despite all of that is the most selfish thing I can imagine
@@deannedennis I absolutely agree!
so dumb
@@mindfulmaximalism having kids? Yes it is
Honestly if anyone really wanted to be a parent they could just adopt, it's cheaper and less stressful for the woman. Not to mention that they'd be giving a home to a child who really needs one.
When people call me selfish, I just say,"You just call me a fish!?" Lol
Heres my answer that really pisses people off who have kids. "I love my potential children too much to bring them into this broken world, and suffer them to live in this dystopia."
Love that!
Childfree is the way to be.
I wanna have kids but i love listening to childfree people because of the sensibility they carry in contrast to people who do have children 😂😂❤
"Who will take care of you when you're old?" is stupid question to me. All those arguments are stupid, but this is most stupid imo.
1. My potential children are not my potential slaves. They're going to have their lives and potentially their children to take care of as well.
2. They're no guarantee my children doesn't die before me for different reasons.
3. Children could be born or become sick and not able to take care of me when I'm old.
4. By the time I become old my children could be old and need care as well.
5. Demanding care from your children just for the fact you gave birth to them is selfish and manipulative. It was your decision to birth them, not their demand.
People who say this often ignore the fact that death, illnesses and age exists not only for us, but for our children as well. They don't live in reality, but in fantasy world when children and parents are happy, healthy and children always outlive their parents.
AMEN! This comment needs to be put on a billboard!
I can finally breathe. I'm 24 and don't want children. Both my parents and my in-laws are extremely offended and are in disbelief. There's no crazy reason I opted out, and that's what pisses people off... My husband and I know what we want as goals, and raising children isn't part of it. No grand excuse needed. Much respect goes out to the parents though, I absolutely love my parents and am happy to care for them as they age. It'd be hard to do that part with children too since both my parents are seniors now.
I love that you and your husband both have clarity on what you want! Your parents and in-laws will learn to make peace with it eventually
@empresswilandefrederici86 He's definitely on the same page as me. We love being auntie and uncle together though ❤️ We get my siblings children any time we want the company, and we can afford to spoil them which is so much fun around Christmas 🤩
Yes to all this 👏👏👏 Just turned 36 and my husband and I are still happy with our choice to be child free. The only thing that makes me feel uncomfortable or bad at times are peoples perceptions and comments, but I love our life. I also love that we get to be there for our nieces and support the parents around us that little bit more because of our time freedom.❤
If someone comes with the comment “who’s going to take care of you when you’re older“
The question to ask them is how many children today are taking care of their elderly and is it a rising or an declining number?
How many children are even taking the time to visit their grandparents or parents every week?
Exactly
I work at a network of nursing homes. We have many, many residents who never receive visits from their family. It's incredibly sad. Having a child is not a guarantee that someone will automatically want to care for you in old age.
Being a mother is probably the only thing that could make me happy and I still choose to be child-free. If we were living in paradise; I’d have 2 children, a boy and a girl 🥰
Gonna be 39 this year, no kids and my mom is totally fine with it. I knew from an early age it wasn't for me. Teenagers often find me pretty easy to talk to, though, and I've been there to listen to them and offer sympathy or advice, so it's not like I'm not trying to help future generations. Raising kids takes a village, and it's totally fine to be the cool aunt/uncle/relative/person who is just there trying to help. Sometimes people have toxic families who can't/won't put their children first and treat them well. We're all operating under the assumption that the person we're telling to have kids is ready for them, will be a good parent, and will do whatever it takes to help them become decent human beings. I will do that, just for kids that I haven't pushed out of my own hoo-ha lol. Being childfree means that you have freed up time and resources that you can use to help the children who are already here.
100%, I feel the same way! I just spent the day hanging out with two friends who have kids, and I have the energy and availability to be present and enjoy time with the children. I would much rather do that and be a positive influence on children that already exist
@@deannedennis Absolutely!! You do NOT need to be a parent to be a positive influence to a child and you do NOT need to have kids to be valid and loving. My best father figure isn't related to me at ALL and he's amazing!
It’s your life and you get to make the choices that work best for you.
Beyond being childfree or having children (or adopting children), I'm happy to live in a time where we have CHOICE ! Or, at least, we are living in contries where we can choose.
I'm so sorry some people are disrespectful with the childfree way of life. It's unfair, we should be lead our life as we want without being patronized.
And some are forgetting how misérable is a life when parents did not wanted to have a child. I know about it, trust me.
*we should be free to lead*
I don’t like children. Sorry, but I just don’t. I’m happy to interact with my siblings children for short periods but I can’t deal with them for very long. And I absolutely can’t deal with screaming, crying children. When I was a teenager I did quite a bit of babysitting, it was more than enough to convince me that I never wanted to have to do it on a full time basis. Call me selfish if you want, but if I had a child I guarantee you that neither of us would thrive.
I feel you!
"How long do I have to put up with 'you'll change your mind'?"
Most people in my world backed off around the time I was turning 40. Instead, they shifted gears to BS like "Well, I hope you don't regret that when you're old and alone." *eyeroll*
I am almost 70 yrs old and have known since I was 10 yrs old that I NEVER WANTED CHILDREN!!! I have NEVER CHANGED MY MIND!!! It's a.PERSONAL choice!!! No explanation required!
I am saving this comment to show to judgmental and questioning people.
I am saving this comment to show to judgmental and questioning people.
Thanks for speaking up on this important issue! I am a childfree guy in North Italy and it's hard to find understanding people when all around me are parents.
I'm a mother and I still totally agree with you. I support 4B, too.
It's really disgusting the way some people make critical remarks about such a private matter as not wanting kids. I think it's probably coming from people who base so much of their identity on being a parent that they can't even conceive of someone who doesn't think like them i.e. it's projection. Embarrassing for them really. People don't make a big fuss over people who don't want pets, people who don't do X or Y so why so invested in what a woman does with her uterus?
1000000%!
2:52 You’re right! Parents do not sell parenting!!! 😂😂😂
totally agree. 40 years old here and no kids😃
People who push you to have a kid might just be jealous of your freedom. Having a kid means taking care of someone for at least 18 years, and maybe for life if they have a genetic disorder. Genetic testing around 18 weeks isn’t always spot on. You deserve to live your life the way you want. Those people who are saying otherwise probably don't work on themselves.
GIRL!!! Speak your truth
I had my son at age 16. I wasn't planning on being a single mother, but he didn't want to handle his responsibilities. He was NEVER in the picture. Knowing what I know now (I'm 56), if i hadn't had my son, I would be child free right now.
I have 3 children..now they are 23,22 and 19. Yes, it was fun while they were little. But all the stress, hurt and debts I've been going through.... unbelievable!
I tried to raise them as best as I could ....but their changing personality just shocks and disappoints me.
😢
I'm sorry you're going through that!
Childhood is more of fiction,one barely knows what life is,one is still in fairytale. life starts at 24 years..
Being a parent,.......it's not easy, let me tell you straight as a father of two and taking on two more that were not my own. Allow me to tell you this slowly......it's - VERY - hard - work. Stressful, time consuming, demanding , it is hard for men and even harder for women because they are making a sacrifice. Being a parent, it requires financial stability, dedication, maturity, wisdom, patience, love, kindness, understanding. The children are top priority, they must come first, you are secondary and you have to accept that you become second best to your partner. If you love your child more than you love yourself it's all worth it in the end. I know that from experience.
Thank you for sharing, I appreciate you!
I admire the work you're putting in as a father, I know it's not easy.
@@deannedennis Thank you for your very welcome and positive response. My sincere best wishes. My children and step children hare adults now, just my youngest son is still at home with me and Nicola so life is easier. Best wishes.
Sir, I appreciate your honesty, however, children should never be the top priority. I was taught God first, than you and your spouse’s relationship, than children. If your relationship with your spouse is second to your children- the firm base of a family which is your relationship with your wife will not be secure. Too many times I have seen Women prioritize their children over the husband and the marriage slowly disintegrate. To have a healthy family, there must be a vibrant relationship between husband and wife. My parents like many, put us often above their personal relationship. Around 8 years I noticed how little time off from being parents they had. So I talked to my older brother and we decided to encourage them to go for coffee once a week just to be together and talk- no kid talk we said. My Mom protested it would be too expensive, they - in the 60’s , they did not have much extra cash but Dad said “ let’s try it”. Mom said” we can have coffee at home”. Dad said” yes, I know But- try it once, for me”. They came to love those times, where they could just enjoy an uninterrupted time with each other. My Mom said to me as a teen, that the first time was awkward, no talking about us? They just looked at each other like what do we talk about? I looked at her like-- Really, seriously. They were always communicating with each other, but sitting down for a Time Alone, just them, and they felt awkward. It kinda shocked them both. But she admitted they needed a decompress time to really check in with how the other one was doing. Children notice the stress between parents , or dislike , or indifferent to each other. Children internalize that. A happy marriage is the foundation for children to thrive. To allow a child to think he is the centre of the Universe , is to undermine the effort to teach a Child not to be selfish., take responsibility for their Words and Actions. Care about others, the surrounding Community, Nature - that we all must be Caretakers of our little place in the World. By seeing that Mom and Dad have something more together than just them. A Private World they alone are privy to nurtured by Respect, Honest but gentle communication and Passion for life and each other.
45 and child free. Best decision I've ever made.
I really appreciate you posting this. You are not alone in this choice and it BLOWS my mind why people are so particularly offended by women who choose to not have kids. Im pretty sure its fueled by closeted internalized misogyny. Many people cant deal with the a woman who doesnt sacrifice herself to become a mother. It doesn't fit their traditional gender role expectation. Its so sad that people cant look within their own bias to see this. Instead they project sooo much judgment. Smh. I personally I would like to have kids in the future, but im waiting and taking my time lol! Im not ready for that are you kidding me? but even still, i absolutely understand women who dont want kids and 100% respect your decision. You shouldnt even have to explain. Like? Why is that so hard for people lmaooo?
Exactly!! Thank you for this comment.
People don't know how to deal with things that don't fit traditional norms, and they project judgement and criticism. I received similar questioning and judgement around being a digital nomad as well. I found out recently that my mum is going around telling people I'm "homeless" because I travel full-time lol 😂
I think the hate towards childfree people comes from two main things - misogyny and jealousy. I feel like a lot of women in the past didn't feel like they had any other choice, or they thought they were making the right choice, and now they regret it. That's why I want to make a community on RUclips of freedom seekers who break social norms and live for themselves
Well great but don't take too long
ive been told many times that its my purpose as a woman to have children. fuck that
Same. I've also been told that I'm "not normal" for not wanting to have kids. I feel strongly that I am not meant to be a mother and I don't think it makes me a freak. I find it insulting that anyone would think that my personal choice, which affects them in no way at all, is so difficult for them to accept, just because it is not what they understand. I feel sorry for them being so brainwashed by society and I know it's their issue,not mine, but I still hate it when they say that.
I am a childfree myself. I don't blame you for not wanting to be a mother it's alot emotional physical and mentally by becoming a mother your giving up your individuality and freedom and also peace of mind. being a mother is one of the hardest jobs on planet earth.
There's no pleasing the " Everyone must have Children" crowd.
So true. But I tell them, if everyone must have children no one would be infertile, and every woman would have the desire to be a mother.
I’m turning 34 in two weeks. Never had this feeling of wanting a child. Everything you’ve said reflects my feelings
I remember how sad I felt for my own mother, when I realized at about 12 yo that she hasn't had anything else going for her except being "Moooooooooom" every damn day. She was a stay at home mom due to us being so sick with my bro all the time. The first time I saw her being herself, an individual, a woman, a human, was when she went back to work when I was about 14. I realized I don't even know who she is as a person, I just know her as my mother. I felt selfish that we kept her for so many years at home, to be "just" a mom, and let me tell you, she was the person who wanted to be a mom all her life. But even then it was hard for her to lose herself in the process.
Btw all my life I have been known as my father's daughter, bcs he is known in the community, so I have always felt like I am not my own person. SO I get what you mean with not wanting to be like just a mom of xyz.
83 million people born per year???? :O And how many are dying per year? This seems like a crazy number!!!! :O
I agree with all your points. I am currently living in a new country and for me it was easy to pack my stuff and move somewhere, but imagine with a family...When I was a kid I always wanted to be alone, was always happy if my family went somewhere without me and I had the house all to myself (Home Alone anyone? :D). Now in my own house I love the organized living I have, that I fought so hard for to achieve and to be able to afford, have my home away from all the chaos and drama of the world...
Talking from my own experience, if one of my friends died and their kids were alone, I would for sure step up and adopt them and do all I can to provide a life for them, bcs I hate suffering, especially seeing kids suffer unnecessarily. Plus I don't need to have a DNA connection to a kid to have feelings for them. This is why I had a thought in the past about adopting, bcs there are so many kids in the world, who are already here and why not try to make their lives better? But then my country's government made such strong rules about who can adopt and who cannot that I basically wasn't eligible anymore. I took it as a sign.
Whenever I visit my friends with kids, I am so happy for them and I keep asking them about their kids and they like me and all that, but I am always happy to return home to my own life and would feel so bad about doing the same things they do on a daily basis, if I had to do this for years and years too. I know they get the love with it too, but for me, it just doesn't balance out the hardships and chores of motherhood.
Two of my grandparents died in hospice and it wasn't us who took care of them (we weren't able to handle the amount of pain they had and we weren't medical professionals). Just saying. One died in her sleep. One is still alive, so...But generally, you cannot predict how much someone will need to be taken care of when they are old, so...just to have kids for this...
Plus you don't even know how long you're gonna live, so what if I have kids and then I die in 4 years...then what? (I could provide a hundred scenarios like this, but of course none of us know what will be...)
First of all, thank you for taking the time to write this detailed reply! Welcome to my little community here on RUclips.
I've always felt that kind of sadness when I think about my mother. I don't really know who she is as a woman either, and I don't think she does anymore now. She had me when she was 20 (not planned), so I feel like I took her youth away.
Yupp, the population growth is out of control. We were at 1 billion in the 1800s, now we're at over 8 billion and growing in 2024.
I feel the same way about the organized living I've worked for. I love children, but as you say, that's not enough to negate the disadvantages that come with motherhood.
Sorry to hear about your grandparents!
thank you! i'm 22 and i DO want to adopt in the future but my family can't accept that... can't imagine how much pressure someone who has chosen to be childfree has to feel constantly
Ultimately you've got to do what's best for you, and hopefully your family will come around to it in the future
I know this is going to sound terrible but you won't know until you are in your 30s if you don't really want kids. 22 is still young. You may be 100 percent sure and will never give birth. However the overwhelming majority of women get baby fever. The drive to have children is very strong and defies all logic. So what can you do? Well understand that you are in the minority and young right now and no one thinks you are a bad person.
From now on, everyone will bother you to get married and have children. That is how it is. Water is wet, grass is green and your Aunties and parents expect children.
@@sirennoir258At 22 we’re expected to choose our career path etc. but you’re telling me at the same time we’re too young to choose not having children? If it “defies all logic” should it really be encouraged? Shouldn’t such a huge decision be made from a point of logic and understanding instead of out of an impulse? If you regret it not only will you suffer but so will the child.
I know plenty of miserable moms, many of them even actively having wanted to become moms from a very young age. And no one gets to expect anything from us, we don’t owe them sacrificing our body and wellbeing to pop out a child they won’t even be taking care of but just occasionally visiting.
omg that one person. I find it so disrespectful to say adopted children aren't your REAL children. and that whole 'baby fever' line of argument is just bizzare and creepy
@@whatshouldinamemyself215 you mean that the innate biological drive have children is bizarre?
my mom is disabled and unable to work. my brother and I are grown adults, yet she is stuck in the mother and housewife position without actually having to take care of us anymore but she is kinda stuck in that. Like she can't really grasp that we're adults now and she doesnt like to be reminded of that. i never wanna live like that
That happens to so many people. This is exactly what I mean when I talk about people losing their identity when they become a mother. People become so conditioned to it that they can't let it go and end up stuck in it, even after their kids have left
Plus, u look so young and that's another benefit of not having kids is that you don't age as fast as mothers do, my mom looks older than her age and I personally don't want to end up like her. Ima follow the same lifestyle as u.
People my age who have kids look 10+ years older than me lol. That's because of so many factors. Pregnancy puts your body through a lot both physically and hormonally. Then there's the sleep deprivation, stress etc. Of course it's gonna age you.
When people tell me I look younger than my age, I don't think that's actually true. I think I look 30, but I look like a 30 year old who cares for her health and doesn't have kids lol. This is what I'm supposed to look like.
My teacher tried to convince me that we humans are made to procreate when I said I was a childree, he tried to convince me even though I explained that I have a genetic disease that would be passed on in a more serious way to my children. He used the card of "what do you consider healthy?" and I'm talking about mental and cognitive problems and risk of malformation. Two days later he was talking to another teacher about going to court to reduce the child support he pays his children and that he prefers not to go on vacation at the same time as his children. Daddy of the year.
😮
I never understood people’s need to be in other peoples business about
having kids or not.
But I would like to comment on the first point.
Anything you do you lose a bit of yourself into. Relationships, work, friends. You put yourself into each of these things and they change you.
It blows my mind, as someone one who could never rely on their mom, that people expect that from their parents. Most of the time, if I need to call my mom, I pray she doesn’t answer. She doesn’t know much about my life and really hasn’t since I was a teenager and I’m 36 now. I didn’t even want her at my wedding.
12:11 As a 53 year old and child free, I have never in my life felt true joy.
I LOVE working with kids and babysitting but I NEVER want to be have kids. I still might adopt or foster in the future but as far as getting pregnant goes that’s something I never want to do!
As soon as you started showing pictures of your current place of living I thought “THATS why they’re hating!” Lmao
Glad to hear more thoughts and takes on this
A neat outlook on a different perspective ✊🏾
I wish our society would RESPECT our individual choices!!! I am a parent that’s because I genuinely love children, but I don’t judge others if the choice NOT to have children. Being a parent is hard work, but I willing to commit to my kids, and I made sure to find someone who felt the same way. Not everyone is built to be a parent and there people who have children that have NO BUSINESS of being a parent!!! It’s perfectly fine if you choose not to have children (know thy self).
I never fully understood the position on "being child-free=selfish"
Like how is it selfish? And when I ask, I don't really get a straightforward answer
You are not selfish. Misery loves company. I hate dealing with people. I wasn't always like that, but people are losing their minds.
I am happy there are people who voice for child free and your reasons resonate with mine. If my future girlfriend said not to have children, I fully support her for that! ^=^ I love children but I lack the commitment to do so >
7:08 Here's a counter argument i like to use: Would you go up the vegan and tell them they should eat dairy products because some people are lactose intolerant? Probably not cuz that's just their life choice.
Exactly!
I don't plan on having kids because I have a lot to do in life that having kids can get in the way of.
the sleep depravation, maintaining relationships with parents of friends and feeling of responsibility for the rest of your life, even if the child is an adult are the main reasons why i don't want to have childen. if i would have them, i'm sure i would be a good mum, but i would be sooooooooo unhappy. and if someone say"who will take care of you when you grow old?" well, i know plenty of stories, when child go abroad, and thats it. thats your companionship as old man. sorry for my not great english :)
I feel you!
I love this video, you really hit all the points I think about all the time
@@natasham4184 Thank You!
I was 14 when I knew I never wanted to experience pregnancy and never wanted a child. I felt deep in my heart it was not for me. I'm 55 now and have no regrets at all. I had to listen for years to all the comments you mentioned. Disrespect in the worst way in my opinion.
I made the choice to be childfree when I was 11 years old i don't regret my choice
I love hearing of others who knew very early on. I was positive by 14 that I NEVER wanted to become a parent. But even around 11-12 I was starting to really question it and think "but could I possibly NOT do that?" especially when I started to babysit these sweet, pleasant children. I didn't mind the job so much but the idea of actually BEING a parent even later on at 27 or 30 yrs old was horrific to me. It was like if someone told me I had to become a mountain climber and wear no clothing. Hard to even accept. So I didn't! Yay (47 and happily childfree)
@@seltzermint5Great that you realised about this earlier in your Life 👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻👍🏻.
I got this thought when I was 16 years old.
Thank you, for making this video ❤
This is a great video. I worked in retirement living, barely any children actually take care of their parents when they get old. And nowadays most parents are old taking care of their irresponsible adult children. 😢
I hear this a lot about retirement homes etc. It's really sad. So yeah, the whole question of "who will take care of you when you're old" is pretty redundant.
I'm 35, never been married with no children at all. I hear those comments myself but i don't care because I want to travel and enjoy my life because I work hard for it. I want to have fun while I'm still here.
Hello to all. I think Oscar Wilde said it best: "Living as one wishes to live is not selfish. Expecting others to live as one wishes to live is selfish." So, if someone tells us we are selfish because we do not want children, then they are the selfish person.
Hello! I couldn't agree more
This is so wild to me as someone who is also voluntarily childless. I have never had any pressure to have children but knowing me, I have no doubt at all that I would just dispose of anyone from my life if they did try that with me. I’m not a broodmare, so my reproductive choice is my own. If someone has a problem with it, they can make the choice to get out of my life and not engage with me at all, but I would never tolerate anyone who thinks they are entitled to or seek to control my body. Some of ya’ll need to change your circle of you can.
No regrets here. I have helped raise siblings, and that's enough for me.
My nana can't get over I won't have children so her legacy will live on, I'm an only child and she is coming to grips with her but im nit signing up for 18 years plus just for her legacy I told her to start a charity or scholarship in her name then
Ultimately you have to do what is best for you, it's your life. You don't owe her a grandchild or a legacy
As always, I feel like all the negativity from parents or the non-childfree boils down to jealousy. Pure and simple.
Have you ever heard someone accuse someone of "rubbing it in my face" over something they wouldn't be jealous of? Who would say something like "You lost your job today and don't know how you'll afford to even eat now? Don't rub it in my face!" No one. You accuse people of "rubbing it in my face" when you are jealous and feel like they are bragging, knowing you are in a worse off or lesser situation than they are.
EXACTLY!!!
I laugh like an evil villain each morning when I realize I have no kids 😂. Lifehack!
I find that argument "you might change your mind one day" quite interesting because it goes both ways. And it IS true. If you decide not to have kids, you might change your mind one day. If you decide to have kids, you might change your mind about that, too. The only thing is, if you are with a kid, there's no going back. And if you decide that you do want a kid after all, you can try and have one, or, if that's not biologically attainable anymore, you can adopt.
As for the selfishness argument, it is so blaringly evident that choosing to reproduce is the most selfish thing you could possibly do. I attest to that as a mother of one. Tis true. 😊
I honestly don't understand why anyone has an opinion about our lives. Also, the amount of hits when you google "I regret having kids" is astronomical!
There are more people that regret having kids than people who regret not having them!
I am choosing to not be a mother because: i suffer from extreme depression. I am on medication but i do have bouts of it that i have to fight through. I do not want a child surrounded by that
Number 6 yes!!! Preach!
You have such a kind sweet voice, Id love to be able to travel like you but work keeps me held back, I really need to start finding remote work, id love to here tips on how get started doing that. I thought I wanted kids but really it would hold me back from all my dreams, ive just turned 30 and still not travelled much at all but that will change soon I hope, I also dream of living on a canal boat because I want to constantly travel and be in nature, and whilst I love kids and I will miss out on the joy of raising them, having kids means putting them through school which means having to stay in one location which sounds like a boring life to me.
I've always dreamed of living on a canal boat too!
Don't overthink about your age - 30 is still young! You still have so much time to do all the things you want to do.
If you are not intrinsically motivated to have children, then the most adult decision you can make for the long term, is to not have them. Critics be damned. I have never wished for children, and i will not be coerced into parenthood. My hope is that more young woman will be able to freely reflect over this choice in the future, because i subscribe to the notion that freedom is the ultimate and final good in this life.
I'm going to turn 40 in July and I'm childfree by choice the reasons why I'm childfree because kids are very expensive and I don't want to experience how painful childbirth is having kids is a choice and being childfree is also a choice I know that not every person in the world is not going to want to have any kids at all to me being childfree is the best decision I have ever made
Its so reassuring to see how many people like yourself are telling me they're happy with their decision. Thanks for sharing!
I tell people that my parents abused me in ways that would make me cry if I saw someone doing the same to a small child, I raised myself and my siblings, so I'm tired and I've done my part with child raising. They shut up after that.
PS - 30 here. You are so smart to cut the guys with dreams of kids loose. I was a moron in my early 20s and married a man who said we could figure it out after marriage. It's not working out for either of us.
I'm so sorry you went through that!
Unfortunately I've done my part with child raising too.
I've been engaged to someone who wanted kids and had a few long-term relationships with people who wanted kids too. Thankfully I learned my lesson!
People really do say No7 to childless people, sadly not realising that the strength of love they feel for their offspring is not true love stronger than any other type of love it’s just brain chemistry that triggers once you have a child in order to prevent you rejecting the infant as you are now entering the hardest part of your life and if these brain chemicals don’t cascade into your system at that time, the infant is at risk of neglect. Anyone who has suffered post natal depression knows this and anyone who has been removed from their birth families due to parental neglect knows this is the case. Only people who have been lucky enough to experience the brain chemistry after their baby being born cannot tell the difference any more between that and true love. The continuation of the human race depends on that brain chemistry happening so it makes sense that those who haven’t got the responsibility of parenting don’t get that effect. Unfortunately studies have shown that the effect wears off, regret not always but in some cases sets in, and more childfree adults end their lives happy with their choices than those who have had children.
So true about the brain chemistry thing!
Another part of that is that once people are done having children, they tend to lose attraction and interest in their romantic partners. This is because the reason why we're attracted to them in the first place is because hormonally we want to reproduce. From an animalistic level, men want to get women pregnant and women want to create and nurture life. As soon as we're done playing those roles, romantic and sexual attraction tends to diminish substantially.
The newborn baby looking up and you and depending on you for their care, health and safety is terrifying!