Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
OMG! I found this by accident and I am so thankful! I have been guilty of oversharing my personal life and personal feelings all my life - for all the reasons mentioned in this video - and afterwards I always feel guilty and embarrassed for sharing too much and letting others see my vulnerability. Thank you so much for opening my eyes!
Whether someone's pushing physical intimacy or emotional intimacy too fast, it feels like being violated. When people emotionally overshare with me I feel like projectile vomit has been aimed at me with no concern about me as a person. I'll have to watch my conversations & make sure I'm not vomiting on others.
Sarah D I did the mistake of emotional over sharing via email to a new important acquaintance that means the world to me and with whom I am in love. . What can I do... the person still smiles at me but answered via email that it was too much for him. I feel I destroyed my chance to really get to know the person. How can I repair the damage, is there something i can do?
myuglyshit I have done this. It is very shameful I always found......and yes, it is extremely awkward when you meet the person face to face .....I have pushed people away and caused annoyance. I would advise you NOT to keep apologising as I did, as this will push the person further away. In this case I would not repeat the oversharing with this person.....but would be grateful to have realised my mistake and resolve not to do it again....as Alan says.."wait for an invitation (which may never come)......however i have come across some kind and compassionate people who have allowed me to overshare and can see and understand why I do it.. ...so has Alan says PICK THE RIGHT PERSON!!! Finally, forgive yourself and dont be too hard on yourself.....you havent killed anyone!!!!
This makes so much sense. I have so much to learn. Over sharing to overcome my own anxiety. Overcompensating to overcome others who don't engage. I had no idea. Thank you for helping me to manage my own anxiety.
mellima I think he means you start to try and take the load off of awkward pauses in conversation when the other person stops engaging you feel the need then to overcompensate for usually fear that you said something wrong etc
Brene Brown uses the term "hot wiring" to describe what some people try to do by oversharing---trying to bypass the getting-to-know-you phase and just speed the bus to where they want to be. Similar to one regard of what you're saying.
I get this! I used to try to get to the friendship stage faster, because I believed that if I wasn't available (emotionally and physically) at all times then people would assume I didn't want to be their friend. Four years ago, that backfired for me in a way that eventually led me to trauma therapy. Now, I honour my need to go slow and the friendships I'm developing feel more real. (Side note: the arsehole avoidant that I shouldn't have trusted? he's had a tough four years too. he's a Bernie supporter and had to live in Donald Trump's America).
I try to bypass slowness 🐌 in becoming friends coz i lack the skill to make close friendships, all my life have had only narcissistic friendships so i try to quickly meet genuine people
I used to overshare a lot and now I don't share at all...I've gone the other way!! I think it is deep loneliness of going through traumas on our own without the emotional support from parents....but undersharing feels equally lonely. Oversharing can be vampirish to other people...draining of others energy...that's why I don't do it anymore but the emptiness is always there.
wow... this is me... I overshare bc I want the closeness and connection so bad... I run people off. I'm an emotionally intense personality. When I'm doing it, I feel it and recognize it but it feels so cathartic to vent and get things out... I don't have very many friends bc of this. I unload and its usually too much for the average person.... my lover absolutely RUNS from me... he's a fearful-avoidant type and I'm anxious...
I have the same problem as you two here. I was emotionally neglected by my parents and didn’t have any friends growing up. And now I still don’t have any friends because I’m fucked up now. I used to undershare and now I overshare. I don’t know how to stop it, I feel like I need to let everything out. Do you guys think journaling helps with this?
@@vl2663 yes i would say journaling can definitely help with this because it is a way to let out all your raw emotions on paper without fear that you are draining someone else’s energy and you won’t feel shame for over sharing!
Yes talking out loud to yourself can be very therapeutic especially if you experienced nobody doing that when you were a kid. Its buck wild how affective speaking yourself how you think a person deserves to be spoken to (do it out loud cuz I know that inner monologue just be my parents so no thanks lol). I’m still going of course but it took me 30 years to actually “hear” or believe that I am not inherently less than others. And part of that I think is putting your self loathing patterns on blast and replacing them with kindness. Like we deserved.🌻
Ignored , yes. Abandoned , yes. No wonder I over share. My emotional needs were never met. And now, when I do, at the beginning of a new relationship/ friendship it’s great, it’s a great way to get to know someone. But inevitably pushes people away. Shitty deal.
The weird thing is i would love to have someone around be it in person or online who overshares to me. I tend to overshare in hopes that the person I am speaking to will do the same, ooops. I am always ignored as well. Let down everyday and disappointment became a part of everyday life. I personally feel the need to get closer to a person who overshares with me. They're honest (usually) and being vulnerable to you for a reason, TRUST. Imagine getting someone's trust and love and throwing it away cause they are broken goods? Ridiculous.
M4..since your comment was a yr. ago, I doubt if you will see this. I can mirror, exactly what you said. You said it perfectly! And yes, it is a shitty deal.
Yes this is exactly what I needed to hear. This one of my greatest mistakes. I’ve realized over time that I over share to stay in control, manage my anxiety and desperately attempt to connect as quickly and deeply as possible. When I am sharing, I am creating my own story with my own variety of ‘smoke and mirrors’. I grew up with adults who were completely obsessed with their own suffering, their own stories. I’ve tried so hard to be heroic in my own stories that I too have made the same mistake in being completely self absorbed. I try so hard but yet miss the target completely every time. I’ve always been willing to do the work but the real work is in the self control, recognition and acceptance the invitations and a bit of faith for the long term.
I see this video sparked reflection for you. This kind of reflecting and processing is helpful. Emotional oversharing can be a way we manage attachment distress. You might be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress Course. Learn more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
i think oversharing for me is a pendulum swing from having been shamed into hiding my inner life at a younger stage. then experiencing later confidence to be vulnerable and having insight to share.......its just a need to reign it in and consider the audience. one issue is that our audience doesnt always have boundaries so they may grow tired of hearing you and feel overwhelmed or even start to be bored or resent you going on and on but they may not . Finding heathy people who will limit you and be honest with you when you are oversharing or maybe you could ask people you trust for accountability and feedback when you are oversharing
Word. Emotional sharing in my recovery program is vital and enabled me to get to where I am today but I need to remember "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas".
Agree with this- well said. And it is also a big ask of others to put in place a boundary around us sharing our emotional life, because they may feel we need that of them and they would be doing us harm to refuse that, or that they would look like a bad person for doing so.
I used to overshare with people, but I have learned the hard way not to do it. Some ppl are very judgemental, lack empathy or ignore you! I'm very cautious now!
Wow. This is a huge issue for me. Me increasingly oversharing with my last very emotionally unavailable and avoidant partner just rotted away any genuine connection that we ever had. This video is gold.
Hannah Bailey-Thomas dear even if you did not over share would this be a relationship that you can stay in for the long haul being so deeply unsatisfy and miserable ?
I have this problem a lot in friendships. I become friends with people who are emotionally unavailable so I overshare to the new people I meet and of course I end up scaring them off. So in return I stay alone and frustrated because no one’s listening to me
@@lizhuynhkenny I'm confused too as to how I can have been in a relationship like Hannah B's, or two, and where the fault lies with me vs which parts of it all not working are their own, as Hannah phrased it, emotional unavailability. It's not all me nor all them. But how do you find a lasting relationship then???
I think I am getting this. By oversharing emotionally, it’s like bragging intellectually. Essentially, people are being intimidated, because they either can’t or won’t go to a certain point.
Speaking as someone whose oversharing provokes bullying, we shouldn’t be so quick to jump at invitations. Some people give “invitations” because they understand that you can overshare, and then they use that information against you.
Thank you so much for talking about this. I over-share all the time. The more they aren't listening or responding, the more I try to explain it further. I picked up on this myself and have been working on mitigating my tendency to do it. This video helped me understand more. Great!
What has helped you so far to mitigating this tendency? I am exactly the same and still have no clue and no skill for stopping oversharing very very early on
I've noticed that I lean in to the other person, for example if we're sitting opposite each other, I'm the one leaning in closer while they sit straight or lean back in the chair. I definitely have said too much about my thoughts and feelings. I thought I was being thoughtful and aware and emotionally mature and wanted to lead by example. It's hard for me to balance between wanting to connect, being authentic and signal that to the other person, and knowing when I'm sharing too much. It wasn't always like this though. Before therapy people would actually tell me I'm aloof and stand-offish.
Thank you for sharing! I have been guilty of this. I was always confused when my openness did not bring closeness. But at the same time, I wasn't surprised when those people exited my life...I was in a sense relieved. I long for emotionally connected relationships, but don't believe they exist, at least not for me. And I'm probably oversharing in this comment. I need therapy. 😫
Ppppffff I only just became aware of the belief I had that oversharing was "teaching" others how to process their emotions!!! Bahahaha looks like I have a LOT to learn. Wow my mind is blown. Thank you for holding up such a clean mirror for me Alan!
So needed this! feel like at times I'm taken advantage of as well by others I've overshared with. I begin to get angry. Even difficulty with men, feels like I'm being subdued at times, but I think that's in my head. I really needed to hear this. Need to find new friends and healthy people I can get healthy with.
I do this to my wife all the time, and she never is able to reciprocate anything in return, cause she doesn't know how to handle it properly. I personally feel like I do this to prove my loyalty and honesty and it shows how important this is to me, and I recognize that it is an important aspect of a healthy relationship. as well as how much I care for her and respect her, and appreciate her ability to deal with me, and the crazy ride she goes on with me everyday. and yes I do end up feeling like I'm talking to myself, and she's just waiting for me to get done. and it sometimes makes me feel like I'm just annoying and whiny, and my crazy is showing.
Happened with my spouse. I overshared for more than 20 years we were together, he used those details against me, bad mouthed me and the divorced me , got married to a close friend and together they made fun of my background
I overshare also but not as much as i used to. I do find however that i am still picking totally emotionally unavailable people which is due to my terror of intimacy and not being good enough. Love addicts and codependents are notorious for picking up unavailable people. I think a healthy balance are friends you can laugh with and share with I believe as you get healthier and grow you attract more available people
It seems that the emotional connection we had with our parents in our childhood set a bar for the depth of emotional connection we dare to approach in our adulthood. When we get close to the bar, we start to feel the unbearable pain and betrayal that our parents inflicted on us in our childhood. To avoid the pain and betrayal, we have to find someone who couldn't do better than our parents. To avoid the pain and betrayal, we have to be loyal to our parents to believe that they are good people. Very sad to say that the first step to heal is to break the emotional loyalty that our false self hold to our parents or our partner who represents our parents. To accept the fact that it was an unbelievable connection without connection. Thank you, Alan, I learn something very important from every one of your videos.
I used to overshare a lot with people who I thought were safe to open up to and I learned my lesson the hard way to never do that again. From now on I only open up to people who I've been extremely close friends with for many years, and a few family members. I don't mind when people overshare with me, though. It shows that I give a trustworthy vibe and I'm pretty open minded.
I can tell you were engaged with this video by what you shared. Thanks for your reflections. You sound self-aware. Trust is a good word. If you like this video then you may also like the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Picking people with whom to have relationships is a conundrum because; as an over-sharer, I'm comparing what is probably normal emotional vulnerability to an exaggerated baseline. Add this with a lack of experience and modue to an extremely controlled, sheltered childhood and some heavy doses of fear from trauma, and the prognosis becomes bleak. Help!
So true, my mother always has dominated any conversation with her emotions, sometimes genuine and sometimes out manipulation, I can always sense which one, always drove me insane and I find it in myself sometimes when Im conversations, something I've begun to learn and ask myself before I engage with anyone is a self awareness of what I'm wanting, needing or desiring to get or receive or share, also in the work place I deal a lot with clients and picking up on there cues is super important..it's taken years to be receptive to others and let things flow, especially coming from an emotionally explosive family, I work with a lady that over shares to the point I believe she just likes the sound of her own voice. Thank you for your work and knowledge to help us all.
Great tip on first asking yourself what you want or need to get or share. Thank you, a helpful pointer for decision making about sharing, and increasing self awareness
Oh my goodness I do this all the time!!!! this is so interesting Thankyou. I overshare everything because I feel I need to be authentic but I think I’m subconsciously purposely pushing people away. I so need help
Hi Alan another great video... my thoughts: One can easily intrude another's personal boundaries going too deep about personal feelings without invite and the other may take a defensive posture as they might feel pressured to empathize by exchanging their own personal feelings that might be private to them. It can put another person on the spot and feeling uncomfortable, and it is not appropriate particularly with someone who's not a close friend. I think in any friendship or relationship it would be polite and respectful to ask 'I have this personal stuff I'd like to vent. Would it be OK with you to listen'? To be able to discuss meta-communication (discussing how, what, permissions, feedback etc we communicate) as part of conversations is very important as well as being careful not to intrude into another's personal space... Regards D
I have gotten better but it's taken years. I realised recently that it's mostly when my pain body is activated. When someone badly crosses my boundaries and IV not learned how to deal with it calmly or when I have no recourse or I feel completely vulnerable and get terrified of my emotions. Its like my 6 year old comes sobbing through saying "hear me, someone please listen". I had Cptsd and was not comforted or allowed to be emotional or heard when I was a child. IV chased countless people away with this over many years. I believe getting past it is a huge process. For everyone suffering with this, be kind to yourself. This didn't happen by itself, it's a deep need which was not met somewhere in our lives. 🤗 Thank you for this video, it's a rare person who understands this and has the empathy to talk us through this.
Great awareness and thank you for sharing your experience. It's so validating that many of us can relate and have similar history of not being emotionally heard. It's great when others can understand where we're coming from. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. Thanks again for the comment. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I am watching this with a sudden realization that emotional over sharing wasn't normal or healthy, unaware of myself doing it for 36 years, and I'm in shock. I don't know how I feel about this, numb, blank, gasp, speechless, awed, "Whoa," is also I can speak aloud. I think this was the enlightenment I was praying for, and NOT what I was expecting. This hit home, hard, profound, I'm happy I was sitting down. I am glad I stumbled onto this. Thank you to its creator, thank you for all of you brave enough to comment, I feel like I am not alone at the moment. It sucks that we all has to go through the pain and suffering and discomfort to get to here, but I hope that from now on, (starting last year for some of you) our lives are transformed into happiness, joy, and positive emotional connections.
Thank you so much for watching and for sharing about your experience. I'm glad that you came across this video and the comments and felt understood. You're not alone in this; as you can see, so many others have similar experiences with their own oversharing. I want you to know that there is support for you in my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. Pain, suffering, discomfort, overwhelm - all of these are strong feelings, and you deserve to have support and community as you navigate them and work toward your healing. All of the members are kind and encouraging, and I know you'd be welcome by all of us. Please consider joining. www.alanrobarge.com/community
How interesting Mr. Robarge!! You really gave me a lot to think about on 7:55, how sometimes I try to show off how "vulnerable" I am or begin a competition with the other person, and often I feel upset when this other person doesn't "take the bait"... Thanks as always for shining this wonderful light on our paths and giving us so many topics to reflect on!
Nice to hear this delivered clarity. Thanks for the kind words and thanks for valuing my work. This topic comes up in conversations in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan, I have been in recovery for over a year, I have read countless articles, books, I have done therapy, 12 step groups, I am getting trained as a therapist, I don’t have words to express how much you have helped me, how much I have resonated with your videos, how derp have you allowed to go into my attachment style, trauma and tools to live a better life.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for sharing my work brings you benefit. If the content is helpful then you may also like taking part in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
You are an amazing human. Not only a real professional, but an amazing human. There is humility, awareness and authenticity in each of your videos. Thank you so much for all of your videos, I m listening to those every single day during one of the most difficult time of my life after a brakeup. Your words and guidance.. those are the way to real healing.
This is a great question I often struggle with this too. I learned that focusing on my breathing really helps... not focusing on them not responding but focusing on my breath going in and out. It calms my anxiety
Self-soothe yourself by pausing and reassuring yourself. Remember that you are a person worthy of love and attention. You are enough in that moment. Remember if this person has shown any positive responses to you before that gap. Reassure yourself that this person is not withdrawing from you during this time. Maybe they’re processing what your saying, maybe they’re listening to you.
Practice. Practice and sitting and what you have decided is uncomfortable silence. Have questions ready to ask someone in the event that you're feeling too long for a reply. what is talking about in the video is taking over emotionally and doing the emotional work. Oversharing so the other person also doesn't have to feel what you think is an uncomfortable silence.I have been had to practice this a lot especially dating men. I'll ask him a million questions about themselves and then after several rounds of engage conversation I will stop asking questions and wait for them to come back at me with one.it's amazing the responses I get out of that when I let someone else also have to feel the silence and come up with someone to say besides feeling that it's my responsibility
I think emotional sharing can depend on the situation of both people in the conversation. If people have been through the same/similar experiences then talking openly is different to talking openly about emotions to someone who hasn't been through similar experiences. I've been emotionally open with a few people that I hardly know but met them through the friends and someone I've never met but we have been through the same experiences. But I wouldn't be so open with someone who I know hasn't been through struggles that I have been through. And I definitely thought it was weird people talking to me openly before I went through my struggles. My family never talked about feelings and emotions.
What if the person you are oversharing with has trauma and is triggered by this? I think it's best to keep things light in the beginning. It can be like being on the end of exhausting emotional vulnerability that has not been asked for.
11:52 I am in this opposite group of people who instead of overcompensating for my loneliness, i disengage and shut down. Often when i try to be a part of a group conversation in my family or circle of friends and i am not being heard, i get triggered immediately. "Nobody cares what you think or have to offer", my head says to me, and i just want to leave and be in my own company. My girlfriend is the oversharer, which you have described and explained perfectly in this video btw. We have both been ignored/overlooked/abandoned in our lives. We just have opposite coping mechanisms. Lately she has shared a lot of emotional stresses at work and with life in general, and i never know what to say. I feel sorry for her and try to show my sympathy. But i just feel exhausted and overwhelmed with having to take her heavy gloomy feelings into account on a daily basis. I don't know how to tell her that i can't deal with it at the level and amount it has gotten to lately. Not without her being angry and hurt by me. I love her and hope that this video will be an eye opener for her, just like it was for me.
I see this video sparked reflection for you. Great awareness. These can be challenging dynamics. Many of us can relate with this kind of exhaustion and overwhelm. If this video is helpful and you'd like to learn more about what drives these behaviors then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
So true and so sad for folks who need to unload. I'm in the throes of this phenomenon. I can't believe how people really can't help one another. Not even by just being a sounding board. So so sad. I'm hurt by this and left to go to therapy because I've essentially alienated my "friends".
My goodness! Alan, you hit the nail again! My last short relationship is a perfect example of how oversharing works as a compensation for the lack of emotional engagement or perhaps even intelligence on the other side. On average, I would send three very long messages to his medium-length one. After about a month he knew about me just as much as my therapist after half a year 🤭 Although I don't see it as a way of pushing another person back or protecting myself. I felt like I had to do the work of emotional exchange for both of us in order to have a relationship. And after a while I did feel like I was in a relationship with myself - the only long-term relationship I've ever been in. Do I even know how to relate to another person?
It might not have been quite this extreme but maybe my very first relationship was the most extreme example of this and 3 of 4 of them had aspects of this to varying degrees. I think it's us anxious attachment style people gravitating for some odd and confusing reason to all the avoidant attachment style folks. People with avoidant tendencies don't say much or reveal much about themselves. They have a deep fear of rejection and pain and think it's easier to just not let anyone in past their walls and they are so comfortable in independence and even when they get excited for a bit about the idea of partnership and somehow love the anxious attachment type people who are more than willing to do 2/3rds or more of the talking and sharing... They like feeling so not rejected at first. And then it gets all overwhelming for them. But. It's not like we can't connect with other people. We anxious attachment types often connect quite well with many... We care about the specific person we're dating, we know and remember details of who they are and their past and their interests and all of it. They just. Don't know what to do with that.
This describes me, and is so very helpful! Thank you, Dr. Robarge. I never realized this about myself and emphasizes the rule that you look at yourself and your own problems, first.
I realised I was an oversharer and worked through it by questioning why I wanted to share and if it was possible to give myself what I needed at that time. I believe sharing in moderation is key to a healthy relationship but even with doing that I attracted someone who is unavailable. I think even while sharing in moderation, the level introspection and insight I have is overwhelming and that causes them to shut off. If only they knew how much I overwhelm myself too sometimes
I see you were engaged in the video by what you shared. Reflecting like this is helpful. If you liked this video, please share it with others who might also like it. Help me spread the word by sharing it via Instagram, Facebook, or twitter. It's important that we all keep talking about relationships.
I’m learning this at 50. Thank you for the tools to work on this. I knew something was off, but you explained exactly what has been happening all my life.
Thank you for sharing the videos have been helpful for you. I know many of us are learning about tools to navigate relationships. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. Thanks again for your feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you for making this video It makes me think about the purpose of connecting with people in the first place. When my anxiety is on high I often overshare and feel deep shame mid conversation, try to amend it with sharing more and then leave the interaction feeling so incomplete still. I guess the missing part is the other person's perspective. Maybe there's something about being emotionally wounded and ignored that makes us just simply want a witness rather than a real connection. Forcing others to be a witness to our suffering makes them an unwilling participant in the narrative of our trauma. When we don't grow up with emotional connections at home the purpose of connection with people becomes sort of obscured because we just haven't had the opportunity to practice sharing space and love in that way. I want to honor the people I share my time with, not overexpose them to my deepest or most petty fears
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience. I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online community, Improve Your Relationships, and 8-week program to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress. The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits. The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program. Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question. Please consider joining us! www.alanrobarge.com/community
I love this. Thank you for sharing this video with us. This is the story of my life. I need to chill and allow for the relationship flourish with time and trust my instincts
Lili Jimenez, Thank you for valuing my videos. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information in my videos is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Oh wow, I just happened to stumble across you and man, mind blowing- what a treasure trove of knowledge! Spot on! I am guilty of all the above and was aware but in that only kept doubling down as you mentioned; sharing more and going deeper, forcing that connection and alienating others. New boundary discovered haha.
Glad my work speaks to you. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these insights and share them with others. Glad it delivers value. If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for letting me know the videos are so helpful. If you like this content then you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
You're welcome. And thank you for your support. If you like this video then you may also like taking part in the conversations around this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
You're welcome, glad this video is helpful. Thank you for valuing my effort. Since you like this video you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Currently struggling with this. I have the strong desire to overshare as that’s what I’ve done in the past. Now that gap of emotional connection is making me run away from people who may actually care about me because I want to push them away before they leave voluntarily. I want to be vulnerable but I’m scared of being too vulnerable and I don’t know how to find that balance.
Omg I’m doing this I’m taking my time to share my emotions. This is the second time that I’ve done this. I’m so glad that I’m not allowing my family dynamic to take over my current relationships.
I have a PHD in sharing ...I scared the crap out of my poor husband ...Now I realise this what can I do about it ...it's the only why I've known myself ...How can I shade this skin...
Rachel, You are welcome. I am glad you find this material helpful. We explore these ideas in the online membership community I created. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I'm so glad i found your channel. It didnt even give me insight really, just confirmation on what is happening to me. I wont share my story here because its not relevant but i just wanted to say: Thank you!
You are both hilarious and extremely informative!! Binge watching your videos today, and my mind has been blown. Seriously, thank you. Life changing messages.
Thanks for the comment Kendra. I'm glad someone gets my humor! lol. I appreciate that you share how life changing my work has been. That means a lot to me. Thanks for watching the video. If you find value in the videos, then you will find continued value in the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships, with the 8-week program of thematic, group discussions. The community is somewhat new. I welcome you into the group if you think it's the right fit. Please learn more by checking out this info page. Details to register are on the page as well. Thanks so much for your comment and kind words. I"m glad the content resonates. alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register
This really helped me understand those whom tend to overshare. I'm the complete opposite so I always wondered why/how some can do this so easily. This opened my eyes, thank you!
You're welcome. Glad this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my work. If you'd like to learn more about what drives these types of behaviors then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I am crying. For months ive been having this problem with my bf and I couldnt figure out whats wrong with and why I kept starting problems i didnt know i was going to. I honestly thought I was crazy because I couldnt stop. Like these words you said gave me a eye opening
Alan, I’m immensely grateful to you for shedding light on this defect of character ingrained in me from childhood. You have given me tools to redefine myself. I will take your suggestions to heart. Mil gracias.
I had my bf doing this to me....as much as I talked to him about it he just wouldn't get it....always proving to me he is a good man...buying gifts and trying to pay everything for me. I didnt need him to do this...but again didnt get it.....when I couldn't respricate to him on an emotional level his insecurity played on me....I got so sick from anxiety and panic attacks.....the more I needed distance the more he pushed....I had to break up with him because my health was at stake. But now I am left with so much hurt and guilt...because I don't know if he can ever change....
Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Thanks for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit. Many of us can relate. If this video is helpful then you might also like taking part in the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I appreciate the feedback. Glad this video offered some clarity and helped you identify some preferences. If you like this content then you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thank for your comment. Check out the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I have recurred to type oversharing in RUclips and find this piece of blessing because I constantly find myself speaking with oversharing people and I don't know why. I I hate it. It's like I absorb their feelings and emotions later I see them stay away from me. Its like... They later realized how much they overshare and feel embarrassed 😳 I wish people stopped doing this to me 😢
Glad to hear this content is helpful for you. Thanks for the feedback and for valuing my work. If you haven't already heard about it you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my effort. If you haven't already heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships, you may like getting in on our conversations. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Over sharing as overcompensating for not being heard
Exactly!
YES
Never thought about it like that!
and talking really fast otherwise you wont be heard, but because you talk so fast they cant listen
Such powerful insight. I really think you were onto something
Thank u for sharing this.....and you know what??? I think the more desperate you feel, the more you share, and the more you regret after.
Lauren Beals so very true. It makes the over sharer as pathetic. Which is sad as I am sure this is not the case at all.
True . I can really identify with that
OMG! I found this by accident and I am so thankful! I have been guilty of oversharing my personal life and personal feelings all my life - for all the reasons mentioned in this video - and afterwards I always feel guilty and embarrassed for sharing too much and letting others see my vulnerability. Thank you so much for opening my eyes!
me too, but i think i can change
same here🤦🤦
I gave my 'power' away!
I think I am guilty of this too.
Amen me too
Whether someone's pushing physical intimacy or emotional intimacy too fast, it feels like being violated. When people emotionally overshare with me I feel like projectile vomit has been aimed at me with no concern about me as a person. I'll have to watch my conversations & make sure I'm not vomiting on others.
Sarah D I did the mistake of emotional over sharing via email to a new important acquaintance that means the world to me and with whom I am in love. . What can I do... the person still smiles at me but answered via email that it was too much for him. I feel I destroyed my chance to really get to know the person. How can I repair the damage, is there something i can do?
myuglyshit
I have done this. It is very shameful I always found......and yes, it is extremely awkward when you meet the person face to face .....I have pushed people away and caused annoyance.
I would advise you NOT to keep apologising as I did, as this will push the person further away.
In this case I would not repeat the oversharing with this person.....but would be grateful to have realised my mistake and resolve not to do it again....as Alan says.."wait for an invitation (which may never come)......however i have come across some kind and compassionate people who have allowed me to overshare and can see and understand why I do it..
...so has Alan says PICK THE RIGHT PERSON!!!
Finally, forgive yourself and dont be too hard on yourself.....you havent killed anyone!!!!
Good to see posts mentioning others.....in the past, I got vomited on and then had to find a person to vomit on. Created a toxic cycle.
@@myuglyshit9866 look up limerence.
The crappy childhood fairy has great videos about limerence
@@myuglyshit9866 May I ask what ultimately happened with that? Did it push that person away. Hope it’s ok to ask you. Thanks.
I'm sure this has kept me single for my entire life or in negative destructive situationships.
Join the club :-) 🤭 i overshared
I just learned this myself as well.
Shadeenah Same here. Isn’t MR Robarge amazing? And for free.
@@ebonyr.b.1216 me too!
You're not alone!
This makes so much sense. I have so much to learn. Over sharing to overcome my own anxiety. Overcompensating to overcome others who don't engage. I had no idea. Thank you for helping me to manage my own anxiety.
@Joy C. --May I ask you, what do you mean by 'overcompensating to overcome others who don't engage'? I don't get that.
mellima I think he means you start to try and take the load off of awkward pauses in conversation when the other person stops engaging you feel the need then to overcompensate for usually fear that you said something wrong etc
YUP!!
@@mellima4226 zuuixuuixiu,iiii,iii
Brene Brown uses the term "hot wiring" to describe what some people try to do by oversharing---trying to bypass the getting-to-know-you phase and just speed the bus to where they want to be. Similar to one regard of what you're saying.
Yes, let’s just go straight to the big dessert! 🤣
I get this! I used to try to get to the friendship stage faster, because I believed that if I wasn't available (emotionally and physically) at all times then people would assume I didn't want to be their friend. Four years ago, that backfired for me in a way that eventually led me to trauma therapy. Now, I honour my need to go slow and the friendships I'm developing feel more real. (Side note: the arsehole avoidant that I shouldn't have trusted? he's had a tough four years too. he's a Bernie supporter and had to live in Donald Trump's America).
I try to bypass slowness 🐌 in becoming friends coz i lack the skill to make close friendships, all my life have had only narcissistic friendships so i try to quickly meet genuine people
I used to overshare a lot and now I don't share at all...I've gone the other way!! I think it is deep loneliness of going through traumas on our own without the emotional support from parents....but undersharing feels equally lonely.
Oversharing can be vampirish to other people...draining of others energy...that's why I don't do it anymore but the emptiness is always there.
wow... this is me... I overshare bc I want the closeness and connection so bad... I run people off. I'm an emotionally intense personality. When I'm doing it, I feel it and recognize it but it feels so cathartic to vent and get things out... I don't have very many friends bc of this. I unload and its usually too much for the average person.... my lover absolutely RUNS from me... he's a fearful-avoidant type and I'm anxious...
I have the same problem as you two here. I was emotionally neglected by my parents and didn’t have any friends growing up. And now I still don’t have any friends because I’m fucked up now. I used to undershare and now I overshare. I don’t know how to stop it, I feel like I need to let everything out. Do you guys think journaling helps with this?
@@vl2663 yes i would say journaling can definitely help with this because it is a way to let out all your raw emotions on paper without fear that you are draining someone else’s energy and you won’t feel shame for over sharing!
One thing can help is talk to yourself loud at home and share your feelings to yourself.
Yes talking out loud to yourself can be very therapeutic especially if you experienced nobody doing that when you were a kid. Its buck wild how affective speaking yourself how you think a person deserves to be spoken to (do it out loud cuz I know that inner monologue just be my parents so no thanks lol). I’m still going of course but it took me 30 years to actually “hear” or believe that I am not inherently less than others. And part of that I think is putting your self loathing patterns on blast and replacing them with kindness.
Like we deserved.🌻
Ignored , yes. Abandoned , yes. No wonder I over share. My emotional needs were never met. And now, when I do, at the beginning of a new relationship/ friendship it’s great, it’s a great way to get to know someone. But inevitably pushes people away. Shitty deal.
But now we know and can dial it back. :)
The weird thing is i would love to have someone around be it in person or online who overshares to me. I tend to overshare in hopes that the person I am speaking to will do the same, ooops. I am always ignored as well. Let down everyday and disappointment became a part of everyday life. I personally feel the need to get closer to a person who overshares with me. They're honest (usually) and being vulnerable to you for a reason, TRUST. Imagine getting someone's trust and love and throwing it away cause they are broken goods? Ridiculous.
M4..since your comment was a yr. ago, I doubt if you will see this. I can mirror, exactly what you said. You said it perfectly! And yes, it is a shitty deal.
@@garydeurlein4037 i see it. sorry to hear that you're in the shitty deal club too.
@@sawakosan4954 ouch. i feel ya there. ridiculous is right
Learned hard way, esp. when dealing with narcissists, but also healthy people who don't want to face some of their own issues.
Were they really all that healthy if they don't want to face their issues lol?
Yes this is exactly what I needed to hear. This one of my greatest mistakes. I’ve realized over time that I over share to stay in control, manage my anxiety and desperately attempt to connect as quickly and deeply as possible. When I am sharing, I am creating my own story with my own variety of ‘smoke and mirrors’. I grew up with adults who were completely obsessed with their own suffering, their own stories. I’ve tried so hard to be heroic in my own stories that I too have made the same mistake in being completely self absorbed. I try so hard but yet miss the target completely every time. I’ve always been willing to do the work but the real work is in the self control, recognition and acceptance the invitations and a bit of faith for the long term.
I see this video sparked reflection for you. This kind of reflecting and processing is helpful. Emotional oversharing can be a way we manage attachment distress. You might be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress Course. Learn more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
i think oversharing for me is a pendulum swing from having been shamed into hiding my inner life at a younger stage. then experiencing later confidence to be vulnerable and having insight to share.......its just a need to reign it in and consider the audience. one issue is that our audience doesnt always have boundaries so they may grow tired of hearing you and feel overwhelmed or even start to be bored or resent you going on and on but they may not . Finding heathy people who will limit you and be honest with you when you are oversharing or maybe you could ask people you trust for accountability and feedback when you are oversharing
Word.
Emotional sharing in my recovery program is vital and enabled me to get to where I am today but I need to remember "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas".
Agree with this- well said. And it is also a big ask of others to put in place a boundary around us sharing our emotional life, because they may feel we need that of them and they would be doing us harm to refuse that, or that they would look like a bad person for doing so.
I used to overshare with people, but I have learned the hard way not to do it.
Some ppl are very judgemental, lack empathy or ignore you!
I'm very cautious now!
Others are predatory too. Beware.
so are u happier? does it help to share less? i hope so . 🙏🙏
It also builds your character in keeping intimate personal things to yourself. You'll get more respect that way, and being respected is important!
Wow. This is a huge issue for me. Me increasingly oversharing with my last very emotionally unavailable and avoidant partner just rotted away any genuine connection that we ever had. This video is gold.
Hannah Bailey-Thomas dear even if you did not over share would this be a relationship that you can stay in for the long haul being so deeply unsatisfy and miserable ?
I have this problem a lot in friendships. I become friends with people who are emotionally unavailable so I overshare to the new people I meet and of course I end up scaring them off. So in return I stay alone and frustrated because no one’s listening to me
@@vl2663 same as me
@@lizhuynhkenny I'm confused too as to how I can have been in a relationship like Hannah B's, or two, and where the fault lies with me vs which parts of it all not working are their own, as Hannah phrased it, emotional unavailability. It's not all me nor all them. But how do you find a lasting relationship then???
@@VioletEmerald Violet, I will reply to you tomorrow alright. Keep on swimming.
I think I am getting this. By oversharing emotionally, it’s like bragging intellectually. Essentially, people are being intimidated, because they either can’t or won’t go to a certain point.
Speaking as someone whose oversharing provokes bullying, we shouldn’t be so quick to jump at invitations. Some people give “invitations” because they understand that you can overshare, and then they use that information against you.
True.
This is a great advice "wait for invitation", thx Alan
Thank you for the comment. I'm glad that phrase is helpful to you.
Thank you so much for talking about this. I over-share all the time. The more they aren't listening or responding, the more I try to explain it further. I picked up on this myself and have been working on mitigating my tendency to do it. This video helped me understand more. Great!
What has helped you so far to mitigating this tendency? I am exactly the same and still have no clue and no skill for stopping oversharing very very early on
@@jessteubner9928 yeah i feel like i need help with this too. How when I see it happening can I just be okay with not...
Lol I feel like I just need to stop talking
That moment you realize the reason I couldn’t get past the 1st or 2nd date 🤦🏼♀️😁THANK YOU for this!! I’m addicted to your channel now
K. Marie from your thumnbail.
I will take you to the 3rd date! Cheers :)
Yes same
So same here. Just happened to me very recently so I believe I now know why this guy ran away , lost interest and doesn't care anymore
This is the MOST "Intelligent" Analysis of this DYNAMIC I have EVER found. SUPERB.
Indeed, tremendous insights here about a very important topic that is governed by subtle dynamics which are seldom openly discussed.
I've noticed that I lean in to the other person, for example if we're sitting opposite each other, I'm the one leaning in closer while they sit straight or lean back in the chair. I definitely have said too much about my thoughts and feelings. I thought I was being thoughtful and aware and emotionally mature and wanted to lead by example. It's hard for me to balance between wanting to connect, being authentic and signal that to the other person, and knowing when I'm sharing too much. It wasn't always like this though. Before therapy people would actually tell me I'm aloof and stand-offish.
Thank you for sharing! I have been guilty of this. I was always confused when my openness did not bring closeness. But at the same time, I wasn't surprised when those people exited my life...I was in a sense relieved. I long for emotionally connected relationships, but don't believe they exist, at least not for me. And I'm probably oversharing in this comment. I need therapy. 😫
You are beautiful
You're just being honest
I feel your pain Sis. I would like to support others who experience this. It's so vital. You are not alone.
Yes you do
Beautifully put, very honest and self aware... and NOT overshared. What you long for is real and possible, but rare & uncommon. Keep the faith! :)
This is why I have no friends! Thank you!
Or like me, don't have a lot of emotionally available friends.
Me too 😂😂. I'll be your friend 😊
Same 😷
sasha smith also same. I overshare a lot because I have no one to share to so in turn I scare the new people off.
@Sub D France yeah but I’m not trying to be friends 🤷🏻♀️
Picking the right group of people is key!!!
Ppppffff I only just became aware of the belief I had that oversharing was "teaching" others how to process their emotions!!! Bahahaha looks like I have a LOT to learn. Wow my mind is blown. Thank you for holding up such a clean mirror for me Alan!
Hey, I’m suing for plagiarism; you have been using MY M.O.! 🤣
Oh seeeeeeeeen.
yep, me too.
So needed this! feel like at times I'm taken advantage of as well by others I've overshared with. I begin to get angry. Even difficulty with men, feels like I'm being subdued at times, but I think that's in my head. I really needed to hear this. Need to find new friends and healthy people I can get healthy with.
I do this to my wife all the time, and she never is able to reciprocate anything in return, cause she doesn't know how to handle it properly. I personally feel like I do this to prove my loyalty and honesty and it shows how important this is to me, and I recognize that it is an important aspect of a healthy relationship. as well as how much I care for her and respect her, and appreciate her ability to deal with me, and the crazy ride she goes on with me everyday. and yes I do end up feeling like I'm talking to myself, and she's just waiting for me to get done. and it sometimes makes me feel like I'm just annoying and whiny, and my crazy is showing.
Was your wife married previously? If so, It was to me and you’re my clone!
I relate to this
Happened with my spouse. I overshared for more than 20 years we were together, he used those details against me, bad mouthed me and the divorced me , got married to a close friend and together they made fun of my background
Yes glad I’m divorced from
My ex husband ! I felt like I was talking to a wall
Or a stone 😅
I overshare also but not as much as i used to. I do find however that i am still picking totally emotionally unavailable people which is due to my terror of intimacy and not being good enough. Love addicts and codependents are notorious for picking up unavailable people. I think a healthy balance are friends you can laugh with and share with
I believe as you get healthier and grow you attract more available people
It seems that the emotional connection we had with our parents in our childhood set a bar for the depth of emotional connection we dare to approach in our adulthood. When we get close to the bar, we start to feel the unbearable pain and betrayal that our parents inflicted on us in our childhood. To avoid the pain and betrayal, we have to find someone who couldn't do better than our parents. To avoid the pain and betrayal, we have to be loyal to our parents to believe that they are good people. Very sad to say that the first step to heal is to break the emotional loyalty that our false self hold to our parents or our partner who represents our parents. To accept the fact that it was an unbelievable connection without connection. Thank you, Alan, I learn something very important from every one of your videos.
I used to overshare a lot with people who I thought were safe to open up to and I learned my lesson the hard way to never do that again. From now on I only open up to people who I've been extremely close friends with for many years, and a few family members.
I don't mind when people overshare with me, though. It shows that I give a trustworthy vibe and I'm pretty open minded.
I can tell you were engaged with this video by what you shared. Thanks for your reflections. You sound self-aware. Trust is a good word.
If you like this video then you may also like the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
You gave me so many aha moments. Thank you. I overshare to push people away, on a subconscious level. I self sabotage.
Picking people with whom to have relationships is a conundrum because; as an over-sharer, I'm comparing what is probably normal emotional vulnerability to an exaggerated baseline. Add this with a lack of experience and modue to an extremely controlled, sheltered childhood and some heavy doses of fear from trauma, and the prognosis becomes bleak. Help!
Damn this dude just goes for all the hard-hitting heavy stuff and I love it! Thank you for helping all of us with our own difficult journeys.
Thanks for valuing my effort. Glad it brings benefit.
Thank you for helping me work through reasons why I overshare and how I can work to stop. Having boundary issues contributes to it, too.
OMG!
This is a so deep perspective!
Thank you for explaining it.
The richness of depth and explanation that Alan goes into is brilliant. What a great teacher for those who are ready to listen. Thankyou.
So true, my mother always has dominated any conversation with her emotions, sometimes genuine and sometimes out manipulation, I can always sense which one, always drove me insane and I find it in myself sometimes when Im conversations, something I've begun to learn and ask myself before I engage with anyone is a self awareness of what I'm wanting, needing or desiring to get or receive or share, also in the work place I deal a lot with clients and picking up on there cues is super important..it's taken years to be receptive to others and let things flow, especially coming from an emotionally explosive family, I work with a lady that over shares to the point I believe she just likes the sound of her own voice. Thank you for your work and knowledge to help us all.
Great tip on first asking yourself what you want or need to get or share. Thank you, a helpful pointer for decision making about sharing, and increasing self awareness
Oh my goodness I do this all the time!!!! this is so interesting Thankyou. I overshare everything because I feel I need to be authentic but I think I’m subconsciously purposely pushing people away. I so need help
This will change part of my life.
You are generous and wonderful.
I like that analogy of "me driving the bus and just getting us there."
Ctwo First I seriously laughed out loud when he said that... I've soo experienced that feeling 😂
Ctwo First I half expected him to say "me driving the bus right off a cliff" cause that's where my oversharing seems to lead...
Well stated! Then I go and get the wrecker and proceed fix the situation,all the while talkin non-stop.
Hi Alan another great video... my thoughts: One can easily intrude another's personal boundaries going too deep about personal feelings without invite and the other may take a defensive posture as they might feel pressured to empathize by exchanging their own personal feelings that might be private to them. It can put another person on the spot and feeling uncomfortable, and it is not appropriate particularly with someone who's not a close friend. I think in any friendship or relationship it would be polite and respectful to ask 'I have this personal stuff I'd like to vent. Would it be OK with you to listen'? To be able to discuss meta-communication (discussing how, what, permissions, feedback etc we communicate) as part of conversations is very important as well as being careful not to intrude into another's personal space... Regards D
my ex dumped me over this. I am overly emotional and she is avoidant. I loved her and this dynamic is bull shit.
I have gotten better but it's taken years. I realised recently that it's mostly when my pain body is activated. When someone badly crosses my boundaries and IV not learned how to deal with it calmly or when I have no recourse or I feel completely vulnerable and get terrified of my emotions. Its like my 6 year old comes sobbing through saying "hear me, someone please listen". I had Cptsd and was not comforted or allowed to be emotional or heard when I was a child.
IV chased countless people away with this over many years. I believe getting past it is a huge process. For everyone suffering with this, be kind to yourself. This didn't happen by itself, it's a deep need which was not met somewhere in our lives. 🤗
Thank you for this video, it's a rare person who understands this and has the empathy to talk us through this.
Great awareness and thank you for sharing your experience. It's so validating that many of us can relate and have similar history of not being emotionally heard. It's great when others can understand where we're coming from. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn so much from each other. Thanks again for the comment. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
I am watching this with a sudden realization that emotional over sharing wasn't normal or healthy, unaware of myself doing it for 36 years, and I'm in shock. I don't know how I feel about this, numb, blank, gasp, speechless, awed, "Whoa," is also I can speak aloud. I think this was the enlightenment I was praying for, and NOT what I was expecting. This hit home, hard, profound, I'm happy I was sitting down.
I am glad I stumbled onto this. Thank you to its creator, thank you for all of you brave enough to comment, I feel like I am not alone at the moment. It sucks that we all has to go through the pain and suffering and discomfort to get to here, but I hope that from now on, (starting last year for some of you) our lives are transformed into happiness, joy, and positive emotional connections.
Thank you so much for watching and for sharing about your experience. I'm glad that you came across this video and the comments and felt understood. You're not alone in this; as you can see, so many others have similar experiences with their own oversharing.
I want you to know that there is support for you in my online Community, Improve Your Relationships. Pain, suffering, discomfort, overwhelm - all of these are strong feelings, and you deserve to have support and community as you navigate them and work toward your healing. All of the members are kind and encouraging, and I know you'd be welcome by all of us. Please consider joining. www.alanrobarge.com/community
How interesting Mr. Robarge!! You really gave me a lot to think about on 7:55, how sometimes I try to show off how "vulnerable" I am or begin a competition with the other person, and often I feel upset when this other person doesn't "take the bait"... Thanks as always for shining this wonderful light on our paths and giving us so many topics to reflect on!
This was wonderfully clear and illuminating. Thank you!
Nice to hear this delivered clarity. Thanks for the kind words and thanks for valuing my work.
This topic comes up in conversations in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
The last ten minutes just blew my mind. You are a genius, sir. I need some new friends! lol
Alan, I have been in recovery for over a year, I have read countless articles, books, I have done therapy, 12 step groups, I am getting trained as a therapist, I don’t have words to express how much you have helped me, how much I have resonated with your videos, how derp have you allowed to go into my attachment style, trauma and tools to live a better life.
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for sharing my work brings you benefit.
If the content is helpful then you may also like taking part in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the relationship quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
THIS IS INSANE AND THIS IS REVELATION. IT JUST SOLVED ALL OF MY PROBLEMS IM SHOOK
You are an amazing human. Not only a real professional, but an amazing human. There is humility, awareness and authenticity in each of your videos. Thank you so much for all of your videos, I m listening to those every single day during one of the most difficult time of my life after a brakeup. Your words and guidance.. those are the way to real healing.
How can I deal with the anxiety, in the gap, until I get a response?
I'm having difficulty there.
لمى الشريف this 😔
This is a great question I often struggle with this too. I learned that focusing on my breathing really helps... not focusing on them not responding but focusing on my breath going in and out. It calms my anxiety
Self-soothe yourself by pausing and reassuring yourself. Remember that you are a person worthy of love and attention. You are enough in that moment. Remember if this person has shown any positive responses to you before that gap. Reassure yourself that this person is not withdrawing from you during this time. Maybe they’re processing what your saying, maybe they’re listening to you.
Practice. Practice and sitting and what you have decided is uncomfortable silence. Have questions ready to ask someone in the event that you're feeling too long for a reply. what is talking about in the video is taking over emotionally and doing the emotional work. Oversharing so the other person also doesn't have to feel what you think is an uncomfortable silence.I have been had to practice this a lot especially dating men. I'll ask him a million questions about themselves and then after several rounds of engage conversation I will stop asking questions and wait for them to come back at me with one.it's amazing the responses I get out of that when I let someone else also have to feel the silence and come up with someone to say besides feeling that it's my responsibility
Alan has a video that talks about delayed responding in relationship. Not being responded to can affect our nervous systems.
I think emotional sharing can depend on the situation of both people in the conversation. If people have been through the same/similar experiences then talking openly is different to talking openly about emotions to someone who hasn't been through similar experiences. I've been emotionally open with a few people that I hardly know but met them through the friends and someone I've never met but we have been through the same experiences. But I wouldn't be so open with someone who I know hasn't been through struggles that I have been through. And I definitely thought it was weird people talking to me openly before I went through my struggles. My family never talked about feelings and emotions.
Mrskess well put good point
I only talk openly with people with same experience. Otherwise it's a waste of breath.
But how do you know when someone went through the same thing or not if both people don't speak up?
What if the person you are oversharing with has trauma and is triggered by this? I think it's best to keep things light in the beginning.
It can be like being on the end of exhausting emotional vulnerability that has not been asked for.
11:52
I am in this opposite group of people who instead of overcompensating for my loneliness, i disengage and shut down. Often when i try to be a part of a group conversation in my family or circle of friends and i am not being heard, i get triggered immediately. "Nobody cares what you think or have to offer", my head says to me, and i just want to leave and be in my own company.
My girlfriend is the oversharer, which you have described and explained perfectly in this video btw. We have both been ignored/overlooked/abandoned in our lives. We just have opposite coping mechanisms.
Lately she has shared a lot of emotional stresses at work and with life in general, and i never know what to say. I feel sorry for her and try to show my sympathy. But i just feel exhausted and overwhelmed with having to take her heavy gloomy feelings into account on a daily basis. I don't know how to tell her that i can't deal with it at the level and amount it has gotten to lately. Not without her being angry and hurt by me.
I love her and hope that this video will be an eye opener for her, just like it was for me.
I see this video sparked reflection for you. Great awareness. These can be challenging dynamics. Many of us can relate with this kind of exhaustion and overwhelm.
If this video is helpful and you'd like to learn more about what drives these behaviors then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
So true and so sad for folks who need to unload. I'm in the throes of this phenomenon. I can't believe how people really can't help one another. Not even by just being a sounding board. So so sad. I'm hurt by this and left to go to therapy because I've essentially alienated my "friends".
My goodness! Alan, you hit the nail again! My last short relationship is a perfect example of how oversharing works as a compensation for the lack of emotional engagement or perhaps even intelligence on the other side. On average, I would send three very long messages to his medium-length one. After about a month he knew about me just as much as my therapist after half a year 🤭 Although I don't see it as a way of pushing another person back or protecting myself. I felt like I had to do the work of emotional exchange for both of us in order to have a relationship. And after a while I did feel like I was in a relationship with myself - the only long-term relationship I've ever been in. Do I even know how to relate to another person?
I did the same thing in my relationships.
It might not have been quite this extreme but maybe my very first relationship was the most extreme example of this and 3 of 4 of them had aspects of this to varying degrees. I think it's us anxious attachment style people gravitating for some odd and confusing reason to all the avoidant attachment style folks. People with avoidant tendencies don't say much or reveal much about themselves. They have a deep fear of rejection and pain and think it's easier to just not let anyone in past their walls and they are so comfortable in independence and even when they get excited for a bit about the idea of partnership and somehow love the anxious attachment type people who are more than willing to do 2/3rds or more of the talking and sharing... They like feeling so not rejected at first. And then it gets all overwhelming for them.
But. It's not like we can't connect with other people. We anxious attachment types often connect quite well with many... We care about the specific person we're dating, we know and remember details of who they are and their past and their interests and all of it. They just. Don't know what to do with that.
Happened to me then he divorced me and made fun of me using what he knew about me
“Take a moment to exhale” brilliant.
This describes me, and is so very helpful! Thank you, Dr. Robarge. I never realized this about myself and emphasizes the rule that you look at yourself and your own problems, first.
I realised I was an oversharer and worked through it by questioning why I wanted to share and if it was possible to give myself what I needed at that time.
I believe sharing in moderation is key to a healthy relationship but even with doing that I attracted someone who is unavailable.
I think even while sharing in moderation, the level introspection and insight I have is overwhelming and that causes them to shut off.
If only they knew how much I overwhelm myself too sometimes
I see you were engaged in the video by what you shared. Reflecting like this is helpful. If you liked this video, please share it with others who might also like it. Help me spread the word by sharing it via Instagram, Facebook, or twitter. It's important that we all keep talking about relationships.
Your videos are life-changing! Thank you so much!!!!
Yes, waiting for the invitation!! So true. I'm just gonna be a fly on the wall and just listen from now on.
I was brought to tears. Thank you for your insights.
I’m learning this at 50. Thank you for the tools to work on this. I knew something was off, but you explained exactly what has been happening all my life.
Thank you for sharing the videos have been helpful for you. I know many of us are learning about tools to navigate relationships. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. We learn a lot from each other. Thanks again for your feedback. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Best explanation I have ever heard about this topic. Excellent video.
Thank you for making this video
It makes me think about the purpose of connecting with people in the first place. When my anxiety is on high I often overshare and feel deep shame mid conversation, try to amend it with sharing more and then leave the interaction feeling so incomplete still. I guess the missing part is the other person's perspective. Maybe there's something about being emotionally wounded and ignored that makes us just simply want a witness rather than a real connection. Forcing others to be a witness to our suffering makes them an unwilling participant in the narrative of our trauma. When we don't grow up with emotional connections at home the purpose of connection with people becomes sort of obscured because we just haven't had the opportunity to practice sharing space and love in that way. I want to honor the people I share my time with, not overexpose them to my deepest or most petty fears
Thank you for watching and for sharing your experience.
I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online community, Improve Your Relationships, and 8-week program to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress.
The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits.
The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program.
Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question.
Please consider joining us!
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Gracefully and pointedly written.
Accurate
This is very important for people diagnosed with CEN... thank you very much
I love this. Thank you for sharing this video with us. This is the story of my life. I need to chill and allow for the relationship flourish with time and trust my instincts
Lili Jimenez, Thank you for valuing my videos. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information in my videos is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Alan Robarge thank you so much for the invitation, I’ll definitely look more into it 😊
Oh wow, I just happened to stumble across you and man, mind blowing- what a treasure trove of knowledge! Spot on! I am guilty of all the above and was aware but in that only kept doubling down as you mentioned; sharing more and going deeper, forcing that connection and alienating others. New boundary discovered haha.
Glad my work speaks to you. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these insights and share them with others. Glad it delivers value.
If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in the conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This man is a freaking genius!
I cannot believe how much healing information I have been receiving from your videos! Sorry, I just can't NOT comment! I appreciate you soooo much!❤🙏
I appreciate the comment. Thank you for letting me know the videos are so helpful.
If you like this content then you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma 🥰
Thanks!
You're welcome. And thank you for your support.
If you like this video then you may also like taking part in the conversations around this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
im never telling anyone anything ever again
Thank you, this is exactly what I need to know better about myself :) Very informative and motivational!!!
You're welcome, glad this video is helpful. Thank you for valuing my effort.
Since you like this video you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Currently struggling with this. I have the strong desire to overshare as that’s what I’ve done in the past. Now that gap of emotional connection is making me run away from people who may actually care about me because I want to push them away before they leave voluntarily. I want to be vulnerable but I’m scared of being too vulnerable and I don’t know how to find that balance.
Its sad that people cant just be honest when they need to be and be open. When we need to share. We wonder why so many feel disconected.
Omg I’m doing this I’m taking my time to share my emotions. This is the second time that I’ve done this. I’m so glad that I’m not allowing my family dynamic to take over my current relationships.
I have a PHD in sharing ...I scared the crap out of my poor husband ...Now I realise this what can I do about it ...it's the only why I've known myself ...How can I shade this skin...
Go brilliant Alan Robarge!!!! P.x
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear right now! Thank you Alan! 🤗
Rachel, You are welcome. I am glad you find this material helpful. We explore these ideas in the online membership community I created. Consider joining in the conversation: www.alanrobarge.com/community
I'm so glad i found your channel. It didnt even give me insight really, just confirmation on what is happening to me. I wont share my story here because its not relevant but i just wanted to say: Thank you!
You are both hilarious and extremely informative!! Binge watching your videos today, and my mind has been blown. Seriously, thank you. Life changing messages.
Thanks for the comment Kendra. I'm glad someone gets my humor! lol. I appreciate that you share how life changing my work has been. That means a lot to me. Thanks for watching the video. If you find value in the videos, then you will find continued value in the membership community I created, Improve Your Relationships, with the 8-week program of thematic, group discussions. The community is somewhat new. I welcome you into the group if you think it's the right fit. Please learn more by checking out this info page. Details to register are on the page as well. Thanks so much for your comment and kind words. I"m glad the content resonates. alanrobarge.clickfunnels.com/register
This information is really valuable and explains so much . Never thought it was from my neglectful childhood why I can’t shut up 🤐
I did need advice on balancing over sharing. Thank you
Vulnerability. Anxiety. Over exposure. Embarrassment. Shame. Shut down. Not a helpful cycle. Thanks for the video,
This really helped me understand those whom tend to overshare. I'm the complete opposite so I always wondered why/how some can do this so easily. This opened my eyes, thank you!
Glad to hear this was helpful. Thanks for valuing my work.
Thank you for the insightful information. I needed to hear what you had to say.
You're welcome. Glad this is helpful. Thank you for valuing my work.
If you'd like to learn more about what drives these types of behaviors then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I am crying. For months ive been having this problem with my bf and I couldnt figure out whats wrong with and why I kept starting problems i didnt know i was going to. I honestly thought I was crazy because I couldnt stop. Like these words you said gave me a eye opening
Alan, I’m immensely grateful to you for shedding light on this defect of character ingrained in me from childhood. You have given me tools to redefine myself. I will take your suggestions to heart. Mil gracias.
I had my bf doing this to me....as much as I talked to him about it he just wouldn't get it....always proving to me he is a good man...buying gifts and trying to pay everything for me. I didnt need him to do this...but again didnt get it.....when I couldn't respricate to him on an emotional level his insecurity played on me....I got so sick from anxiety and panic attacks.....the more I needed distance the more he pushed....I had to break up with him because my health was at stake. But now I am left with so much hurt and guilt...because I don't know if he can ever change....
This was quite amazing! Thank u very much for making this video
Honestly your videos that I have watched so far are absolutely brilliant and correct.
glad you are finding value in this content. Thanks for your feedback.
i over share with my coworker and he use it to be my boss, i feel so stuped. thank you for sharing this
Glad this video sparked reflection for you. Thanks for valuing my effort. Glad it brings you benefit. Many of us can relate.
If this video is helpful then you might also like taking part in the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Brilliant Alan. Thanks you for your clear explanation of the kind of emotional sharing I would prefer to be and to receive.
I appreciate the feedback. Glad this video offered some clarity and helped you identify some preferences. If you like this content then you may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thank for your comment.
Check out the quiz:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I have recurred to type oversharing in RUclips and find this piece of blessing because I constantly find myself speaking with oversharing people and I don't know why. I I hate it. It's like I absorb their feelings and emotions later I see them stay away from me. Its like... They later realized how much they overshare and feel embarrassed 😳 I wish people stopped doing this to me 😢
Good point. Good for you to experiment with your boundary.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma never thought you'd answer. Thank you very much you've earned a new fan right here 🙋
Thank you. This was amazing. I learned something about myself I had no idea about. So helpful.
Glad to hear this content is helpful for you. Thanks for the feedback and for valuing my work.
If you haven't already heard about it you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Excellent information and well presented. Thank you
This video is awesome, i bet youre an amazing therapist
I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my effort.
If you haven't already heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships, you may like getting in on our conversations. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
How about making a video regarding making friends? I think that this would be very helpful.
Shell-Good Idea! I could use this.
Do u want to be my friend Rachelle?
Really wheres the happy medium. Finding friends you can laugh with and share with. Finding non judgemental friends so you can be yourself
Brilliant video. Thank you
Wow. This has really opened my eyes.
Thank you for sharing your gained understanding of this topic! I found it so helpful! ☺️
I appreciate the kind words. Glad you are finding benefit.