Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/
thank you for this video. my wife sent this to me. our nearly 20 year marriage is collapsing due to my being emotionally unavailable, oblivious and drunk for most of it. I have been sober for two years now and really have only just begun to deal with all the issues that I was drinking for most of my life to escape. I want to change. I want to be a better husband and father even if my wife can never love me again. I just always seem to get it wrong. even as I type this message I feel im doing the wrong thing. I know I have hurt my wife over and over but I really want to break this cycle. when I called her to talk about this video, I just made it worse. I am lost and for some reason don't know how to put my own feelings aside and think of hers. I am seeing a therapist and hope to save my marriage. I will not give up and you have helped me at least begin to sort this out. thank you.
Thank you. This was so helpful and gave so much clarity. And yes, incredibly painful. I cried so hard I thought my heart wouldn't be able to stand it. Watching your videos helped me see how much grief I am actually holding inside. Thank you so much for the work that you do and for sharing this information via RUclips, so that anyone could have access to it. This is much needed.
I feel codependency with everyone not just partner. I mean I walk down the street and think what she things about me, what he feels, do they will not accept my negative emotions ? how I look ? Madnees😁 Feels like extreme attachment trauma.
I wonder if you are just more self-aware and realize that people tend to judge others very quickly. They say that Abe Lincoln was like this. But an Abe Lincoln's case he learned to always come off with a good impression or to entertain people. I think bad traits have some good features just like some good traits can have bad features. During my youth I tended to be something of a workaholic this had good and bad effects luckily I was able to stop before it affected my family. There's so much to learn about ourselves and our life and how to cope
Hi Alan, I am so impressed with the way you articulate these concepts with such in-depth and insight. You are helping me making sense of how childhood trauma has overshadowed my adult relationships. :-( I am working the 12 steps programme in Coda, & more than happy to suggest your videos to others Namaste Px
Thank you! This is a frustrating thing to really grasp, and you explained it in a way I could take notes on and track really well. Fortunately I married a highly attuned guy, but now I see my resistance to his interest and valuing me has been a recurring theme over 23 years. It clearly is due to inner child grief that I feel incapable of receiving that healthy interest, and due to coping without it that I believe it is not necessary - which mystifies him. Following the rage is also interesting because I fear it, like it will control me and make me a monster if I try and reckon with it. But this is valuable to remember that feelings pass, and they often mask important things we need to grieve and grow from, and then release.
So yeah you just told the story of my life!!! I'm grieving immensely but I'm healing!!! I've actually found myself and I love myself!!! Life is beautiful now!!!
This makes me so sad. Not just for myself but for my son, I did exactly the same as my own parents. My heartbreaks for my adult child the more I learn about my own trauma.
Alan, I want to thank you for bring so many awesome videos to the world. I am working on my attatchment issues when I came across your channel. I been watching them like non-stop. keep it up!!! You are gonna help a lot of people around the world!! Again, thank you so much!!
Good insight, Anindya. Those kind of thoughtful reflections are sparking conversations daily amongst the kind, supportive folks in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. If you haven't already, consider joining us and sharing your unique perspectives on this topic and many more here: www.alanrobarge.com/community Thanks for your support!
Your careful and thorough description is much more helpful and insightful than the irl therapist I was seeing who tried to convey the same. You’re doing Gods work
Thank you so much for this. I’ve been trying to figure out and heal my attachment injury for a while now and I’ve gone round in circles getting so confused and upset. Nobody has ever spoken about this in the precise detail that I really needed and I’m in tears at how much this spoke directly to me. Thank you so so much this has been really valuable.
extremely helpful... have been in therapy off and on for 40 years, this is the most helpful info ive ever heard, thnx so much,, my sis has been seeing the same shrink for the past 14 , and, has made no progress with her issues with her BPD, THNX SO MUCH.........YOU ARE BRILLIANT IN YOUR INFO DELIVERENCE.......SO CLEAR...
Thanks for the kind words and for valuing my work. Glad it offers benefit. Also, since you like this content, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Thank you so much! Alan, This video helped make clear the struggle I've carried into my adult life. My childhood need of touch was unmet. I pick partners that were emotionally and physically unavailable. I live out of touch with reality, more in tune with fantasy and longing that the person I am with will voluntarily touch me. Instead of living whole and secure I place my projection of unmet childhood needs to my partner. I even realized that it has now stretched to any person I come in contact with. I really hope I can reign in this and learn compassion for myself. My questions are, how can I give myself loving touch? Hugging myself?. I am very afraid to reach out and touch others platonically. I want to know why touch is overwhelmingly powerful to me not just mentally from my wounded experiences, but from the actual physical sensation. I automatically cry and my mind fogs and it's always a sensory overload.
Me too love. Me too. 18 years of being somebodies queen. To be dropped on my ass by me so called (life partner) when he was once so loving, hands on and gave me strength I lost as a child due to neglect and drugs. I need this touch.. i need to be wanted... thrown away from ur twinflame is heart wrenching
Alan, I just have to tell you how saving and healing it has been for me to find your videos and your help and understanding, your profound understanding of the many issues you talk about. I first found your videos on grieving and , why I can't stop crying ! I cried every day for two months over a difficult relationship , was having counselling, and I think even my therapist couldn't understand it, the only thing I could describe it as was deep grief at loosing the person that I felt attached to, as if my closest relative had died. You made it make sense to me ( and I am 64 and have been aware of issues in my life a long time , been in CODA etc etc and thought I had kind of dealt with things, before this issue was feeling very well balanced and reasonably happy ) EXCEPT ! that I had had enough of feeling lonely and after a long time alone decided it was time to find a partner, well big mistake in a way and what seemed like another disaster, but maybe not as I have learned so much over the past few months from avidly reading etc culminating in finding your videos, thank you so much, I love you !...lol still a way to go, the said person is still hovering about in my life and me struggling but now I have a direction and understanding and am working really hard on this journey, thank you x
Hi Alan, I love your videos. Great information and insight. Your presentation is great. Perfect pace, clear voice and intonation. Thank you so much. With your information, I understand a lot more on what's going on with my life and my behaviour and failed relationship patterns. I will seek your professional consultation.
Alan, a home run video, again. yes this content is extremely painful and very difficult especially for those of us who suffered from c PTSD from childhood. my healing has just begun and i am going through the grief process now. it is the most difficult life work and i know I will have to continue working on my reparenting. but sitting with your wounds is truly the beginning!
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad this video spoke to you. Since you like this video you may also be interested in taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Hi Alan, Thank you so much for sharing all your psychological knowledge with me. You explain the subject in a way that is concise & easy to understand. I am thrilled that I found your site. Understandably, it hit a nerve and I was able to release a lot of emotion & my tear ducts got a cleansing in the process!LOL Seriously, you enabled me to bring up deep seeded feelings of inadequacy, sadness. And I finally received a confirmation of why I feel this way, In the past, I had visited a therapist. Unfortunately, I was not able to get clarification about my issues. She said, "You're an intelligent professional person & yet you continue to choose abusive partners." I feel that I am a product of a childhood whose needs were not fully met. I will look to my inner self and attempt to rectify my feelings & not project my needs on a partner who I now know cannot satisfy them. You provided me with much insight.
This is laid out extremely well, I have been working with my psychotherapist on my issues for over a year now. This is where he has led/been leading me the entire time. I fully grasp the idea of meeting and comforting your inner child, have done it a couple of times, either through guided meditation on RUclips or through the use of psychedelics I would be on the emotionally avoidant unavailable side, so psychedelics do help me break that barrier as a male. Although I have gotten better at allowing things to come forth without mind altering substances Was a bit disappointed to hear this is a life long process and there is no quick fix or shortcut that takes a year or 3 - this was also something that my own councilor told me that I didn't want to hear
This is terrific. I feel like I am growing by leaps and bounds with every video I watch of yours. I feel like such a heavy burden is being lifted from my shoulders. Do you or will you have content on PTSD /CPTSD and healing from assault? That is a frontier that I find terrifying to explore and in my heart I know I must. 🙏
Glad this speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my efforts to offer quality content. This content evolves out of the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I invite you joining us. Learn more here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank You Alan!! This video is a great roadmap on this subject. Of all the videos on this - this is so step by step of a healthier person❤thanks for yr thought ful breakdown.
I appreciate the kind feedback. Glad this video is helpful. If this video is helpful then you may also like getting in on our conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
All of your videos, so far, have offered me a clear and logical view of what i m feeling inside. You ve described so clearly what i can not name with words. Thank you very much! Keep doing the same work!
Hi Alan, this video has been so enlightening. My father and I stopped speaking to each other at the age of 16, I’m from a divorced home. We haven’t really spoken since and I used to have horrible nightmares about him leaving me. This fear has leaked into my relationships and I am now divorced because I expected too much from my ex husband. I could feel that it stemmed from my relationship with my father. Currently I am dating and I am so scared that this could happen again. I find myself very anxious when I meet someone and I end it because I am scared that I will get hurt. Your videos are helping me to identify the problem and I hope that I can begin my healing process before I mess up yet another relationship.
Wow, this is so acuratly articulated. Bringing up by a mon that would not ask my emotion, i felt hard to express emitons and I had been working on for the past years and I'm changing in a more and more positive way. Thank you so much!
Thank you for this piece, too! I have been listening/watching several of these videos, at the moment the earlier ones from approximately seven years ago are being more helpful than the most recent videos. Perhaps the topics seem more straightforward to me in the earlier videos, especially the ideas of projection of dysfunction in the family-of-origin between the partners and lack of appropriate skillset of each to deal with the other.
Thank you for the feedback about what videos you connect with and that are helpful for you. Please take the RUclips link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
Thank you for what you do. I feel grateful for your videos. You have an exquisit, fully understandable way of communicating profound and complicated concepts. I would love to join your therapy group when I am able to. Thank you again. Much love from Greece!
Realizing I put the final nail in the coffin when I expressed all my needs and insecurities, asking for more validation and reassurance from my partner. Feeling guilty still that I pushed her away but understanding that it’s not all my fault is comforting.
Glad this video speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my efforts. Since this video resonates you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Bijou, many of us feel crazy when working through this kind of attachment issue. Glad you posted your comment here. These are the types of things we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Ouch! Powerful truth. And, yes, it still gets you. Even when you are aware. It still bites you. And you go, "OK, I know this tune, but what am I going to do about it, Paula?
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
YES you can!!! don't tell yourself you can't....if you do, your brain will follow suit and manifest what you believe....its called self fulfilling prophesy....i fixed myself after a horrific childhood by doing just what he says....you need to start with believing you can do it and don't give up no matter how difficult...good luck xo
Donna Perry I know , Donna. Thank you for the comment. I'm working on it. I've been working on it since the age of twenty. There are so many layers of trauma from my childhood that it's taken me well into my forties to understand and heal. I've been chipping away getting healthier year by year.
Donna Perry I really had a bad run in my last relationship. My heart was ripped out. I think that's why I was so negative when I posted the original post. I'm still in a dark place but I know there's hope because I'm seeing things a little clearer and facing my fears
Mark i can totally relate!! i have associated with narc types all of my life. they taught me a lot about myself and what i needed see in self and work on. it all takes time to work through the layers, fear is so prevalent and the driving force behind most of our self sabotaging behaviors, eh!! lol....you will get to where you want to be someday....but in the meantime enjoy the journey because the journey is short....lol
Kinga, I also appreciate clarity. Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If this informationis of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Very helpful video's. Could you clarify one point? @18:08 you said that we should be sitting and "Feeling the rage, feeling the anger". How does one do that? I mean, don't we have to express anger/rage on some pillow or something in order to Feel it, instead of just sit with it and Feel it. Is the later even possible? Thanks again!
Thank you for the supportive comment. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful to you and inspired hope on your healing journey. There is always support to be found in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, as well. Consider becoming a part of our group of kind, thoughtful folks and sharing your voice. And if you'd like to learn more about attachment styles, I invite you to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses quiz as well. Here are the links: The Community www.alanrobarge.com/community The Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Excellent explanations about complex issues. I've been working with my therapist using Internal Family Systems, and you've explained well why this all takes time and that we most probably picked partners with attachment problems as well. Unfortunately relationships don't always survive one delving into their problems and the other still in denial. :(
Deb, thank you for the feedback. Good for you for investing in your healing work and educating yourself. I hear you on the one-sided relationships. We go in depth and unpack what is going on and why we find ourselves in these dead-end relationships in the learning community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community That is true how we sometimes rely on denial, which can be a way to cope with relationship stress. I created a course on this in which I map out a blueprint for how most of us respond to attachment distress. Which of these describe your relationships? Do you fight and yell and demand attention? Do you withdraw, isolate, and keep others at “arm’s length”? Do you stand silent with “big eyes” and go inside yourself? Do you quickly smooth things over, cover up your hurt, and appear agreeable? When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting. Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Glad this content offers benefit. Thanks for letting me know. This content evolves out of our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. Learn more about the Community: www.alanrobarge.com/community
So nice to hear this content is empowering for you. Thank you for valuing my work. Please also share this video with friends who may find it helpful. Help me spread the word.
Anna, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information in my videos is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yes it is painful and sobering. And I do see that I picked people who are at that prehistoric level of relating, can't really respond emotionally and that's why the wheels fell off.
You are so welcome Robin! Codependency and attachment are a few of the topics we talk about in the membership community. How to learn new skills to navigate our healing and explore mutually supportive relationships is our focus. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for the kind words, Ismail. I appreciate you being so engaged with my content. I'm glad that you find it helpful and beneficial for you. Attachment injuries can play a huge role in the way that we interact both with ourselves and with others. Healing is something all of us deserve to do, and I want to share with a few resources that I want to recommend looking into. 1. The Four Attachment Distress Responses course - www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz 2. The Improve Your Relationships Community - www.alanrobarge.com/community Both of these can provide you with content, Self-Directed Healing Work, and the opportunity to learn, grow, explore, and heal from your attachment injuries.
Alan I’ve been binge watching your videos for the past few days. This video is indeed painful - hearing how childhood pattern of relating affects our lives and our choice of partners is plain depressing. One feels like there is no way out of this cycle. Maybe there is hope. Maybe it is possible to work on these issues. Who knows?
DEAR ALAN, I CAN NOT FIND THE VIDEO WHERE YOU WERE MENTIONING SOME BASIC SKILLS TO LEARN. LIKE, RELATIONSHIP AND PERSONAL SKILLS, LIKE LETTING GO, YOU MENTIONED SOME FOUR OR FIVE SKILLS IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES AND I COULDN'T FIND WHERE YOU MENTIONED THOSE. PLEASE HELP ME. WHAT WERE THOSE SKILLS?
Hello. Were you referring to the Secure Attachment Series with 8 Videos? ruclips.net/video/y4qy2jkgBv0/видео.html Maybe that is it. Thanks for valuing my videos. I'm glad they offer benefit.
I'm glad to hear that - thank you for watching. I'm happy to know that this resonated with you. Since this information was beneficial, I want to recommend you check out a couple of my different resources. The first being The Four Attachment Distress Responses course, in which I discuss the different ways we respond to distress in relationships based on attachment injuries or traumas. Understanding the how and why of these behaviors allow us to learn, grow, and heal toward better and more effective relating. Take the quiz now: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Along with this, my online Community, Improve Your Relationships, could be something that you find helpful. I created this online membership community in order to allow people from all over come to explore, discuss, learn, grow, and heal from their attachment wounds. Having a support system of people who understand your feelings and experiences can be incredibly beneficial in your healing journey. This isn't a therapy group, but rather a learning community. All of the members are kind and encouraging, and we would love for you to join in on the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Glad this video speaks to you. I hear you. Many of us can relate with being in this place. You may like to take part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
____
Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses.
Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships.
The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met.
While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response.
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
____
I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work.
You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive.
Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community
____
Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution.
Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate
____
Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos.
And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!”
Best regards,
Alan Robarge
Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist
www.alanrobarge.com/
Unbelievable.....this is it!!! Finally....an answer to my wreckage!!! Thank you so much!
Wooo!!
My parents had a saying, `children were meant to be seen, not heard`. Enough said.
Theres a lot of information about attachment trauma, but I rarely see it formulated in such a practical and easy to understand way. Thank you!
thank you for this video. my wife sent this to me. our nearly 20 year marriage is collapsing due to my being emotionally unavailable, oblivious and drunk for most of it. I have been sober for two years now and really have only just begun to deal with all the issues that I was drinking for most of my life to escape. I want to change. I want to be a better husband and father even if my wife can never love me again. I just always seem to get it wrong. even as I type this message I feel im doing the wrong thing. I know I have hurt my wife over and over but I really want to break this cycle. when I called her to talk about this video, I just made it worse. I am lost and for some reason don't know how to put my own feelings aside and think of hers. I am seeing a therapist and hope to save my marriage. I will not give up and you have helped me at least begin to sort this out. thank you.
How did everything go with you?
my heart melts upon hearing this....it reminds me of my childhood....until i became adult....
This is brilliant. your really healing me with this knowledge
Great. Good to know. Thank you for the comment.
Someone who has done the work. Went through the healing path & can explain it to help the rest of us. The best gift you can give anyone. Thank you❤️❤️
Thank you. This was so helpful and gave so much clarity. And yes, incredibly painful. I cried so hard I thought my heart wouldn't be able to stand it. Watching your videos helped me see how much grief I am actually holding inside. Thank you so much for the work that you do and for sharing this information via RUclips, so that anyone could have access to it. This is much needed.
I feel codependency with everyone not just partner. I mean I walk down the street and think what she things about me, what he feels, do they will not accept my negative emotions ? how I look ? Madnees😁 Feels like extreme attachment trauma.
Travaltino haha it’s true me to
I wonder if you are just more self-aware and realize that people tend to judge others very quickly. They say that Abe Lincoln was like this. But an Abe Lincoln's case he learned to always come off with a good impression or to entertain people. I think bad traits have some good features just like some good traits can have bad features. During my youth I tended to be something of a workaholic this had good and bad effects luckily I was able to stop before it affected my family. There's so much to learn about ourselves and our life and how to cope
Read untethered soul by micheal singer
Hi Alan, I am so impressed with the way you articulate these concepts with such in-depth and insight. You are helping me making sense of how childhood trauma has overshadowed my adult relationships. :-( I am working the 12 steps programme in Coda, & more than happy to suggest your videos to others Namaste Px
Thank you! This is a frustrating thing to really grasp, and you explained it in a way I could take notes on and track really well. Fortunately I married a highly attuned guy, but now I see my resistance to his interest and valuing me has been a recurring theme over 23 years. It clearly is due to inner child grief that I feel incapable of receiving that healthy interest, and due to coping without it that I believe it is not necessary - which mystifies him. Following the rage is also interesting because I fear it, like it will control me and make me a monster if I try and reckon with it. But this is valuable to remember that feelings pass, and they often mask important things we need to grieve and grow from, and then release.
So yeah you just told the story of my life!!! I'm grieving immensely but I'm healing!!! I've actually found myself and I love myself!!! Life is beautiful now!!!
I did his 8 week course. I highly recommend it. Changed my relationship habits for the better! Thank you Alan!
Good to see you Charlie. Thanks for the kind words. Glad the Improve Your Relationships Community Program was helpful for you.
This makes me so sad. Not just for myself but for my son, I did exactly the same as my own parents. My heartbreaks for my adult child the more I learn about my own trauma.
I hear you. Many of us can relate. I'm reminded how we need gentleness for ourselves.
Alan, I want to thank you for bring so many awesome videos to the world. I am working on my attatchment issues when I came across your channel. I been watching them like non-stop. keep it up!!! You are gonna help a lot of people around the world!! Again, thank you so much!!
Codependency- A byproduct of Early Attachment Injuries.... Very well explained sir.
Good insight, Anindya. Those kind of thoughtful reflections are sparking conversations daily amongst the kind, supportive folks in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. If you haven't already, consider joining us and sharing your unique perspectives on this topic and many more here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thanks for your support!
Your careful and thorough description is much more helpful and insightful than the irl therapist I was seeing who tried to convey the same.
You’re doing Gods work
Thank you so much for this. I’ve been trying to figure out and heal my attachment injury for a while now and I’ve gone round in circles getting so confused and upset. Nobody has ever spoken about this in the precise detail that I really needed and I’m in tears at how much this spoke directly to me. Thank you so so much this has been really valuable.
This is brilliant. I have suspected an attachment issue for quite some time
Who gives these videos a thumbs down? I can’t imagine. Love your videos, Alan.
Thank you so much Dr. Alan. I know now, that it's a lifelong process and no longer look for what i need from other partners.God bless you!
+Hiba Mamila Glad this video resonates. FYI, I'm not a Dr. Thanks for valuing what I do.
Brilliant! I’m working to be aware and intentional with how I engage with my 7 yr old.
The best outline I've seen ... super clarity.
extremely helpful... have been in therapy off and on for 40 years, this is the most helpful info ive ever heard, thnx so much,, my sis has been seeing the same shrink for the past 14 , and, has made no progress with her issues with her BPD, THNX SO MUCH.........YOU ARE BRILLIANT IN YOUR INFO DELIVERENCE.......SO CLEAR...
"You need to give yourself what you never received." Powerful!!!
Thanks.
this man is a treasure trove way more people should listen to him and start their healing journey!!
Thanks for the kind words and for valuing my work. Glad it offers benefit.
Also, since you like this content, you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz:
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Right on. Thank you Alan! I'm so happy to have found your videos. Awareness is key!
Thank you so much! Alan, This video helped make clear the struggle I've carried into my adult life. My childhood need of touch was unmet. I pick partners that were emotionally and physically unavailable. I live out of touch with reality, more in tune with fantasy and longing that the person I am with will voluntarily touch me. Instead of living whole and secure I place my projection of unmet childhood needs to my partner. I even realized that it has now stretched to any person I come in contact with. I really hope I can reign in this and learn compassion for myself. My questions are, how can I give myself loving touch? Hugging myself?. I am very afraid to reach out and touch others platonically. I want to know why touch is overwhelmingly powerful to me not just mentally from my wounded experiences, but from the actual physical sensation. I automatically cry and my mind fogs and it's always a sensory overload.
Would love to know the answer to this also.
Me too love. Me too. 18 years of being somebodies queen. To be dropped on my ass by me so called (life partner) when he was once so loving, hands on and gave me strength I lost as a child due to neglect and drugs. I need this touch.. i need to be wanted... thrown away from ur twinflame is heart wrenching
Alan, I just have to tell you how saving and healing it has been for me to find your videos and your help and understanding, your profound understanding of the many issues you talk about. I first found your videos on grieving and , why I can't stop crying ! I cried every day for two months over a difficult relationship , was having counselling, and I think even my therapist couldn't understand it, the only thing I could describe it as was deep grief at loosing the person that I felt attached to, as if my closest relative had died. You made it make sense to me ( and I am 64 and have been aware of issues in my life a long time , been in CODA etc etc and thought I had kind of dealt with things, before this issue was feeling very well balanced and reasonably happy ) EXCEPT ! that I had had enough of feeling lonely and after a long time alone decided it was time to find a partner, well big mistake in a way and what seemed like another disaster, but maybe not as I have learned so much over the past few months from avidly reading etc culminating in finding your videos, thank you so much, I love you !...lol still a way to go, the said person is still hovering about in my life and me struggling but now I have a direction and understanding and am working really hard on this journey, thank you x
Touched by your response and hope your understanding is growing, watching the above video has turned on a light for me.
Ok this is incredibly helpful.
Thank you so so much. You have no idea how much I appreciate it.
Big hug!
Hi Alan, I love your videos. Great information and insight. Your presentation is great. Perfect pace, clear voice and intonation. Thank you so much. With your information, I understand a lot more on what's going on with my life and my behaviour and failed relationship patterns. I will seek your professional consultation.
Alan, a home run video, again. yes this content is extremely painful and very difficult especially for those of us who suffered from c PTSD from childhood. my healing has just begun and i am going through the grief process now. it is the most difficult life work and i know I will have to continue working on my reparenting. but sitting with your wounds is truly the beginning!
Hissi, it sounds like you are doing good work.
Love this video. No one out there gets this stuff like a Alan does. I am glad he talked about the rage which I’ve never heard anyone talk about. ❤
Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. Glad this video spoke to you.
Since you like this video you may also be interested in taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank you Alan. This video was very healing.
Hi Alan,
Thank you so much for sharing all your psychological knowledge with me. You explain the subject in a way that is concise & easy to understand. I am thrilled that I found your site.
Understandably, it hit a nerve and I was able to release a lot of emotion & my tear ducts got a cleansing in the process!LOL Seriously, you enabled me to bring up deep seeded feelings of inadequacy, sadness.
And I finally received a confirmation of why I feel this way, In the past, I had visited a therapist. Unfortunately, I was not able to get clarification about my issues. She said, "You're an intelligent professional person & yet you continue to choose abusive partners."
I feel that I am a product of a childhood whose needs were not fully met. I will look to my inner self and attempt to rectify my feelings & not project my needs on a partner who I now know cannot satisfy them. You provided me with much insight.
This is laid out extremely well, I have been working with my psychotherapist on my issues for over a year now. This is where he has led/been leading me the entire time.
I fully grasp the idea of meeting and comforting your inner child, have done it a couple of times, either through guided meditation on RUclips or through the use of psychedelics
I would be on the emotionally avoidant unavailable side, so psychedelics do help me break that barrier as a male. Although I have gotten better at allowing things to come forth without mind altering substances
Was a bit disappointed to hear this is a life long process and there is no quick fix or shortcut that takes a year or 3 - this was also something that my own councilor told me that I didn't want to hear
This is terrific. I feel like I am growing by leaps and bounds with every video I watch of yours. I feel like such a heavy burden is being lifted from my shoulders. Do you or will you have content on PTSD /CPTSD and healing from assault? That is a frontier that I find terrifying to explore and in my heart I know I must. 🙏
I cannot believe I just found this video! You are talking about me! 100% this makes so much sense to me!
Glad this speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my efforts to offer quality content.
This content evolves out of the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I invite you joining us. Learn more here: www.alanrobarge.com/community
You are a wonderful, kind person. Your videos have helped me SO MUCH.
Love your work . God bless you . You should be happy and proud for healing so much people
Alan is a genius !!! No joke. Great stuff.
Thank you for this profound video and education!
Thank You Alan!! This video is a great roadmap on this subject. Of all the videos on this - this is so step by step of a healthier person❤thanks for yr thought ful breakdown.
I appreciate the kind feedback. Glad this video is helpful.
If this video is helpful then you may also like getting in on our conversations on this topic in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community
You are a star Alan! This is fantastic information, I've never come across anyone online or in person who has your talent for explaining this stuff.
All of your videos, so far, have offered me a clear and logical view of what i m feeling inside. You ve described so clearly what i can not name with words. Thank you very much! Keep doing the same work!
THANK YOU!!! From all of my heart.
Hi Alan, this video has been so enlightening. My father and I stopped speaking to each other at the age of 16, I’m from a divorced home. We haven’t really spoken since and I used to have horrible nightmares about him leaving me. This fear has leaked into my relationships and I am now divorced because I expected too much from my ex husband. I could feel that it stemmed from my relationship with my father. Currently I am dating and I am so scared that this could happen again. I find myself very anxious when I meet someone and I end it because I am scared that I will get hurt. Your videos are helping me to identify the problem and I hope that I can begin my healing process before I mess up yet another relationship.
Again, thanks
I’m crying a lot after this one
I really needed this perspective you brought out.
Glad this was emotionally moving for you. I hear you. Thanks for the feedback.
Such wonderful information ... thank you soooo much ...
Wow, invalidation, abandonment and loneliness, that's how I grew. This is painful!
Wow, this is so acuratly articulated. Bringing up by a mon that would not ask my emotion, i felt hard to express emitons and I had been working on for the past years and I'm changing in a more and more positive way. Thank you so much!
I cant thank you enough for this. 😭
Thank you for this piece, too! I have been listening/watching several of these videos, at the moment the earlier ones from approximately seven years ago are being more helpful than the most recent videos. Perhaps the topics seem more straightforward to me in the earlier videos, especially the ideas of projection of dysfunction in the family-of-origin between the partners and lack of appropriate skillset of each to deal with the other.
Thank you for the feedback about what videos you connect with and that are helpful for you.
Please take the RUclips link and post it elsewhere such as other social media sites. It really helps me spread the word about these topics. Thanks for your help and I appreciate the feedback.
Thank you for what you do. I feel grateful for your videos. You have an exquisit, fully understandable way of communicating profound and complicated concepts. I would love to join your therapy group when I am able to. Thank you again. Much love from Greece!
So very well explained - thank you.
Realizing I put the final nail in the coffin when I expressed all my needs and insecurities, asking for more validation and reassurance from my partner. Feeling guilty still that I pushed her away but understanding that it’s not all my fault is comforting.
Thank you for the meaningful comment and for sharing your experience. Glad this video is helpful.
Thank you for this. Can you make a video like a guided meditation how to sit with myself with compassion , going through the relevant ages, please.
Thank you so much i need this information
Well said - can relate to everysingle word start to finish. Thankyou.
Glad this video speaks to you. Thank you for valuing my efforts.
Since this video resonates you may also like the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Very helpful! Thanks
I have been going crazy trying to understand what's going on with me, thank for the explanation
Bijou, many of us feel crazy when working through this kind of attachment issue. Glad you posted your comment here. These are the types of things we explore in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. You are invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Ouch! Powerful truth. And, yes, it still gets you. Even when you are aware. It still bites you. And you go, "OK, I know this tune, but what am I going to do about it, Paula?
Definitely have attachment injury and project in my relationships. Don't know how to heal that and stop.
You are one of the most precious souls. Thank you so much for your content.
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more:
Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships
www.alanrobarge.com/community
Make a direct donation
www.alanrobarge.com/donate
Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Bingo....100%right on
Excellent video ...going to watch again ❤
Thank you.
Thankyou Alan! 👏🏻👏🏻Your videos are so healing. You’re brilliant! Your advice is much appreciated ❤️🤗
Totally agree with you my girlfriend brokeup with me b/c she's feels this way
I am so grateful to you
I never heard of this before and I suffer from it this is amazing thank you for your making me aware of this.
It is complex.
And we must be kind and patient as we heal.
So this is why I'm fucked up. I'm pretty sure that I'll not be able to have a healthy sexual/loving balanced relationship
YES you can!!! don't tell yourself you can't....if you do, your brain will follow suit and manifest what you believe....its called self fulfilling prophesy....i fixed myself after a horrific childhood by doing just what he says....you need to start with believing you can do it and don't give up no matter how difficult...good luck xo
Donna Perry I know , Donna. Thank you for the comment. I'm working on it. I've been working on it since the age of twenty. There are so many layers of trauma from my childhood that it's taken me well into my forties to understand and heal. I've been chipping away getting healthier year by year.
Mark that's awesome!!! never give up on yourself! you are worth all the long, pain-staking effort to heal and be content! all the best.....xo
Donna Perry I really had a bad run in my last relationship. My heart was ripped out. I think that's why I was so negative when I posted the original post. I'm still in a dark place but I know there's hope because I'm seeing things a little clearer and facing my fears
Mark i can totally relate!! i have associated with narc types all of my life. they taught me a lot about myself and what i needed see in self and work on. it all takes time to work through the layers, fear is so prevalent and the driving force behind most of our self sabotaging behaviors, eh!! lol....you will get to where you want to be someday....but in the meantime enjoy the journey because the journey is short....lol
Damn. This was deep and upsetting. But I see now. Heartfelt thanks.
I hear you. Thank you for sharing this deeply resonated.
Thank you . So smart . I have been looking for such clear explanations for so long :) Thank you
Kinga, I also appreciate clarity. Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If this informationis of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Very helpful video's. Could you clarify one point? @18:08 you said that we should be sitting and "Feeling the rage, feeling the anger". How does one do that? I mean, don't we have to express anger/rage on some pillow or something in order to Feel it, instead of just sit with it and Feel it. Is the later even possible? Thanks again!
Ty for this informative video. Was in my feelings as this applied to me and my life. It at least gives me hope that I can heal. Ty!
Thank you for the supportive comment. I'm glad to hear this video was helpful to you and inspired hope on your healing journey. There is always support to be found in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships, as well. Consider becoming a part of our group of kind, thoughtful folks and sharing your voice. And if you'd like to learn more about attachment styles, I invite you to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses quiz as well. Here are the links:
The Community
www.alanrobarge.com/community
The Quiz
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Excellent explanations about complex issues. I've been working with my therapist using Internal Family Systems, and you've explained well why this all takes time and that we most probably picked partners with attachment problems as well. Unfortunately relationships don't always survive one delving into their problems and the other still in denial. :(
Deb, thank you for the feedback. Good for you for investing in your healing work and educating yourself. I hear you on the one-sided relationships. We go in depth and unpack what is going on and why we find ourselves in these dead-end relationships in the learning community I created, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community
That is true how we sometimes rely on denial, which can be a way to cope with relationship stress. I created a course on this in which I map out a blueprint for how most of us respond to attachment distress. Which of these describe your relationships?
Do you fight and yell and demand attention?
Do you withdraw, isolate, and keep others at “arm’s length”?
Do you stand silent with “big eyes” and go inside yourself?
Do you quickly smooth things over, cover up your hurt, and appear agreeable?
When our attachment bonds are compromised, distress shows up as fear and anxiety. Many of us will default to one of the Four Responses to manage this distress, specifically our Fight reaction becomes Poking, Flight becomes Running, Freeze becomes Hiding, and Fawn becomes Submitting.
Here is the link to the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
So grateful for what you do! Thank you!
Again concise and real. Thank you
Amazing message this helped me understand my own suffering in the midst of it. I scheduled w my counselor but this has helped
Glad this content offers benefit. Thanks for letting me know.
This content evolves out of our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. Learn more about the Community: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you so much for your work! You have helped me so much and I feel really empowered
So nice to hear this content is empowering for you. Thank you for valuing my work. Please also share this video with friends who may find it helpful. Help me spread the word.
You are absolutely amazing!! Thank you so much !!!
Amazing useful information!
Thanks for feedback and valuing my work. Please also share this video with others.
21:55 @alanrobarge you really are the bees knees. There are so many details in here on how to recover from codependency . Thank you
This has been incredibly helpful and insightful! Thank you!
Anna, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information in my videos is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Yes it is painful and sobering. And I do see that I picked people who are at that prehistoric level of relating, can't really respond emotionally and that's why the wheels fell off.
Thank you so much for this video, so much helpful information and advice!
You are so welcome Robin! Codependency and attachment are a few of the topics we talk about in the membership community. How to learn new skills to navigate our healing and explore mutually supportive relationships is our focus. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for your tenderness, care and compassion Sir ✨💜🔥
Your love are shining worldwide and I share mine with you too from here Africa 🤠⚡️❤️💜🙏
Thank you for the kind words, Ismail. I appreciate you being so engaged with my content. I'm glad that you find it helpful and beneficial for you.
Attachment injuries can play a huge role in the way that we interact both with ourselves and with others. Healing is something all of us deserve to do, and I want to share with a few resources that I want to recommend looking into.
1. The Four Attachment Distress Responses course - www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
2. The Improve Your Relationships Community - www.alanrobarge.com/community
Both of these can provide you with content, Self-Directed Healing Work, and the opportunity to learn, grow, explore, and heal from your attachment injuries.
@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma thank you for your response and generosity 😇🙏❤️
Gosh your so smart!
Lovely video
What would we be working on using the grief process?
Alan I’ve been binge watching your videos for the past few days. This video is indeed painful - hearing how childhood pattern of relating affects our lives and our choice of partners is plain depressing. One feels like there is no way out of this cycle.
Maybe there is hope. Maybe it is possible to work on these issues. Who knows?
Do you do one on one coaching?
Wow this was so helpful
DEAR ALAN, I CAN NOT FIND THE VIDEO WHERE YOU WERE MENTIONING SOME BASIC SKILLS TO LEARN. LIKE, RELATIONSHIP AND PERSONAL SKILLS, LIKE LETTING GO, YOU MENTIONED SOME FOUR OR FIVE SKILLS IN A COUPLE OF MINUTES AND I COULDN'T FIND WHERE YOU MENTIONED THOSE.
PLEASE HELP ME. WHAT WERE THOSE SKILLS?
Hello. Were you referring to the Secure Attachment Series with 8 Videos? ruclips.net/video/y4qy2jkgBv0/видео.html
Maybe that is it. Thanks for valuing my videos. I'm glad they offer benefit.
Hi very informative thanks! Is the attachment trauma with the opposite sex parent usually?
This is really helpful
I'm glad to hear that - thank you for watching. I'm happy to know that this resonated with you.
Since this information was beneficial, I want to recommend you check out a couple of my different resources.
The first being The Four Attachment Distress Responses course, in which I discuss the different ways we respond to distress in relationships based on attachment injuries or traumas. Understanding the how and why of these behaviors allow us to learn, grow, and heal toward better and more effective relating. Take the quiz now: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Along with this, my online Community, Improve Your Relationships, could be something that you find helpful. I created this online membership community in order to allow people from all over come to explore, discuss, learn, grow, and heal from their attachment wounds. Having a support system of people who understand your feelings and experiences can be incredibly beneficial in your healing journey. This isn't a therapy group, but rather a learning community. All of the members are kind and encouraging, and we would love for you to join in on the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you so much, so much helpful informations, do you think one can recover from codependency?
This one was perfect exactslly what I'm trying to heal in myself right now alone and it's so hard please help me they this .
Glad this video speaks to you. I hear you.
Many of us can relate with being in this place. You may like to take part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community