When "No Contact" Is Not Helpful - (Love Addiction & Codependency)
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- Опубликовано: 30 июл 2024
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In my videos, I like to talk about Psychology, Healing Attachment Trauma, Relationship Repair, Inner Child Self-Re-Parenting, Love Addiction, Codependency, Grieving Break Ups, Family Programming, Fantasy Relationships, The Romantic Narrative, Primal Panic, Trauma Bonding, Double-Binds, Attachment Styles, Couples Counseling, Better Boundaries, Shame and Self-love, CPTSD Breakthroughs, Emotional Availability, and Body-Focused Psychotherapy for Healing Trauma..
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When "No Contact" Is Not Helpful - (Love Addiction & Codependency)
In this video, I talk about what going "no contact" can bring, its intention and its purpose. Implementing "no contact" can be so overwhelmingly difficult because of the primal panic and anxiety resulting from the separation.
Questions to answer in the comments section:
What is one thing you learned from listening to this video?
What is one takeaway you can apply to your personal healing process?
Remember to leave a comment. What is your takeaway from this video?
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When "No Contact" Is Not Helpful - (Love Addiction & Codependency)
Hello Subscribers:
Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing.
One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating.
Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning!
As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on RUclips. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through.
I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly.
That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on RUclips. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos.
If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions
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I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives.
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She was so unavailable I had no choice than to implement NC. She gave me no special priority despite our love history (or my perception of it). We are long distance. She failed to keep in touch as promised. She is displaying manipulative behavior (hoovering) and trait psychopathy. She was giving me the silent treatment. I am damned if I do and damned if I don't in terms of NC and need to protect myself. Every Day in NC is better than reaching out and getting ignored and retriggered. Love hurts folks!
yes, i ve been on NC with a guy who also showed psychopathic traits. It's tough but I remember how he ignored me, didnt pick or return my calls and I'm scared of getting this again and retraumatizing myself. I miss seeing him a lot, longing is hardly bearable but i dont think i can help the situation by recontacting him.
my experience is that it's better to go no contact with an emotionally manipulative and abusive person so that you can clear your mind over time from the brainwashing and get back to a state of self worth and self esteem.
thank you alan for your work!
luzi77 yes
I think he's referring to those partners which aren't manipulative and/or abusive
This is very true the brainwashing they use
@@MS-bs8dd Hear...HEAR!
absolutely correct. im a trauma therapist and psychologist and l cannot tell you how many amateur online forums aggressively force no contact causing much long term damage to trauma survivors who follow their advice. many such online groups will block you if you speak of alternatives such as conscious contact, connectedness, conscious flexible boundary management, integration and encompassment, unconditional contact etc etc. ive faced much harrassment for speaking on these topics that are so important for trauma survivors.
ashsqx324 I agree. Thank you! Keep on. Move on/no contact is the way to go IF it feels right. Of COURSE you do need to say buh-bye to an a-hole. Done. No more. Others of us are in a grey area with growth potential, or more staying power.
@@MS-bs8dd my mechanic does this stuff. I am paying out continual repairs on my old truck and he treats me with hot cold behavior since I walk the straight path as a Christian and did not have connection with him. He is an unavailable player. Verbally abusive and then when I object and say Ok I will go forever if you say do so. He backs off. I think he likes being mean then nice seeing if I will break down emotionally and he will know then I am still financially TRAPPED. BUT ALSO STILL IN CONTROL OF ME COS IM STILL ATTRACTED. HE IS HEAVILY invested in his hypocritical behavior. AS I AM KNOWN AS A SOCIETY TARGET. I am excruciatingly vulnerable to his manipulative acts, yet cannot pay off my bill yet to escape. TOO BIG A BILL. EVERY TIME I GET IT PAID SOMETHING ELSE BREAKS. I AM TRAPPED. I AM POOR. I NEED PEACE ABOUT IT.HAVING TO USE HIM. AND BEING HARMED BECAUSE OF MY POVERTY. SO AWFUL.
ashsqx324 yes. Thank you. It takes you a few steps back when u go cold turkey and panic and run vs practice conscious boundaries. Saying some goodbyes is helping me vs my usual flight. I’m having a hard time walking away so eventually no contact will be used but right now it has caused more damage to my ptsd. Ty for understanding.
ashsqx324 If someone broke up with you and doesn’t want to be with you, you have no choice but to do No contact. What are y’all talking it causes more trauma?! To whom?? Now I’m confused. Me, the the dumpee have no choice but to go No contact. Are you saying it’s causing “myself” more trauma? Or the Dumper??
I'm currently being ignored by family (it's been 6 months), is this a realistic time to think about no contact? Nobody is listening and I'm ready to move on in case they try to come back.
I'm dealing with a break up, and my ex and I decided to remain friends, it was and still very difficult and sometimes painful for me to let go but it was a lot of help to stay in contact with him. Even though all of my friends said, no contact is better, I felt that it would be better to keep in touch, to close a circle in my life. Now I'm very far away from him and it makes me feel happy when he calls or chats with me. I know that we won't come back because of several differences, but I'm glad to still have him in my life as a friend.
I am dealing with a Break Up for more then 6 months now. I tried No contact. Not helpful. Sometimes if I talked to my ex Bf I felt better. He can calm me down in minutes, if I am nervous. So I still like to have him in my life. I am very happy to hear from him. To watch movies, etc etc.
@@nokion.5927 so, your ex is your emotional support and your friend? So I must assume that you don't want a romantic relationship with him, right?
@@puebo1472 I still love him yeah.. but it is not romantic. I love him for the person he is. I love him because he always makes me laugh, if I am having a sh*t day. There are many things why I love him. And I know that he thinks the same about me.
@@nokion.5927 But that's just another attachment to him. How do you love him as a person, but you don't want to be with him? Loving him as a person is exactly WHY you should be with him
Good for you. My ex cheated on me so many times. He was the one who left me but he wants me in his life as a friend and also wants to text me everyday.he said i am the most important person in his life and i mean everything to him. I dont know what he wants from me? We agree to text once a week just to say hi. The reason he left me was he feels that we are in the friend zone. Nothing more.
I do agree that no contact has been exploited by the narcissist industry rather than be used as a self protective measure against genuine threats to a person. It’s often used as a way to avoid mature communication/avoidance of problems that are part of life.
Totally agree.
I was shocked to hear you explain what I’ve been feeling, I didn’t understand and didn’t realize others go through this. I’m not crazy, have not heard anyone address these very real emotions, physical panic and anxiety symptoms, and having driven by the house to relieve that pain (I felt ashamed at myself for feeling so desperate). Thank you for making me understand so I can work on myself knowing now what is going on. 🙏
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for letting me know this video brought you clarity and understanding. If this content is helpful and you would like learn more about how to be proactive around anxiety and fear in relationships then you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. Thanks again for letting me know this video was helpful.
Check out the quiz:
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Then again its the cowards way out of ending a relationship. Many relationships can be salvaged but just going out seperate ways and still communicating.
There are definatly times for nc such as physical and emotional abuse. People are becoming lemmings.
Relationships are quickly becoming disposible.
I feel your pain😔. Been there too🤗 I feel so embarassed to admit it
This is so true when you get your mind back your self esteem back and your heart back you get your power back therefore they don't have your power no more they don't have your confidence no more they can't suck the life out of you anymore they can't squeeze negative emotions out of you anymore and that's a beautiful thing and yes you can go no contact in your mind you can be around them you can even talk to them but you know your boundaries now you refuse to let them ever cross your boundaries ever again the main thing get your boundaries up get yourself back watch and pray and ask the most high God to give you strength I saw my ex 5 months later and nothing moved in me I was able to greet him speak to him hug him and embrace him and told him well nice seeing you good bye he wanted to take me out to dinner I told him I couldn't Have a good day and I walked off I felt great praise God Almighty God gave me the strength to walk away
God bless you man. I 've been punished by no contact a few times, and whenever i ve spoken against it, people usually see it as a weakness "No, don't back up, don't humiliate yourself by calling her,, you gotta stick to no contact blah blah". Very few understand that some people need controlled contact to heal. I hate no contact cause when I don't talk to the person i am thinking about, i end up making up all these stories and assumptions that are actually not true, but they become my demons and kinda haunt me for months, or even years. I ve found that when i do have controlled contact once in a while, the air clears up, the reality of the situation and the reality of the other person becomes obvious and i become healthier and happier and more ready to move on with my life.
I couldn't've said it better. I feel this.
Interesting that you use the word punished as if that’s the basis for non contact....ultimately we all need to do what we need to do given the nature if the relationship. Maybe the other person needs non-contact to heal ?
@@lunaava8668 Very true, i bet they did need it. I think I used the word "punish" to imply that there was pain involved when no contact occurred.
Wow this is perfect
I've always gone into overdrive through NC. I've been through it several times with current ex ( I left yesterday) but this time I'm doing CC. Because in NC I find the person takes on magical qualities, grows even more important, you only remember the good and the deprevation of any contact doesn't seem to help rather it builds up to a ' mutual blow out' where we have missed each other so much we fall back into deluded state of re entering relationship. Now I don't know if CC will work..it's my first time really trying it.
Everything you said about the primal panic was absolutely spot on. I had this after my boyfriend broke up with me and I sent a whole bunch of desperate texts begging him to talk to me and he ignored me and I felt so suicidal. He hasn't spoken to me at all since. I still feel traumatised over it, I still feel that panic of not speaking to him and it's making it impossible to move on. I go crazy in my head trying to understand why he didn't reply and telling myself it's because he never loved me, or because he's evil, trying on all these different ideas and I can't seem to just settle and let it go. Even typing this out brings me to tears, I'm so exhausted. I wish he would speak to me just so I could at least know the love was real, but I don't want the anxiety of reaching out and not getting a response.
@Amelia, I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote in this comment and your other comments. There are many people, just like you, who are interested in a deeper conversation about this material. I created the online Improve Your Relationships 8-week program with to address how we can begin to change the reoccurring patterns that show up with attachment distress.
The invitation is to engage throughout the week with resources I provide and through sharing our stories in the community and more importantly through offering support and encouragement to others. These are the ways I offer others to feel connected in this work and deepen how we are changing old relationship habits.
The various Worksheets and Handouts I provide in the community are designed also to invite self-reflection and hone in on what specific areas we need to change in order to not be so hooked into attachment distress. The videos in the video library as well as all the daily memes and also the daily encouragement videos reinforce this bigger design of the program.
Each item in this program was purposefully designed and chosen to work together and fit together as a complementary system. If members choose to engage the instructions and fully participate on a regular basis, then they will see how this is a holistic approach to answering your question.
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Hi, would love to hear how everything went? Was the no contact beneficial looking back? How are things now? Update?
I am reliving my whole life through these videos and crying over and over. Where were you 30 years ago? 🤪
Amen! Amen!!!! You are not alone❤️
I'm so fucked up right now
I agree
Probably he was in school. Lol I'm kidding. Just wanted to make a joke.
I hope you are well.
Even if you found him 30 years ago you likely weren’t ready! I read my first book on this in my 20’s and I am still learning 20 years later! ❤️
I really like how nuanced and layered your advice is.
Thakshila Jayasinghe I just found this channel and I agree
No contact to me helps one break the connection. People will look for an excuse to reach out instead of processing the emotions and letting go.
I think I get the "benefit of the tool" of the sometimes necessary conscious contact. For me? It just kept me sick. I was a love addict , primarily, because I had no concept of boundaries. I needed to learn how to draw a hard and fast one and ENFORCE it. That being said, it CAN be a worse shock to the system. I guess we have to learn to do what does the least amount of damage. In my case, it hurt worse, short term, but helped, in the long run, overall, to be NO CONTACT. I think people should do whatever makes them feel less suicidal, based on the posts I've read here.
How long did it take for you to overcome love addiction. I didn't know it existed until recently, which is when I found out I am definitely a love addict. I made an appt with a therapist and have an appt next week.
@@MamaMama-bx2ln Share what you learned!!! at the therapist appt.
Perfect timing. I just pulled the no contact trigger over the past week. It’s the right thing for me. In my case, he had already cut off most contact with me, and that was driving me crazy. I was acting inappropriately and sending inappropriate texts because of my own panic. That’s when I decided that I had to go no contact. In AA they say SLIP is an acronym for “sobriety losing its place.” In al-anon we say “serenity losing its place.” That’s how I felt. In order to get my serenity back I needed to go no contact.
I can empathize with this situation. You sound self-aware. Glad this video is helpful. Thanks for the reflections.
If you're curious to learn more about drives the obsessive behavior then you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
Primal panic is where I am now..... emotional betrayal is enormous... he betrayed me severely. I won’t be able to trust a man again
Thank you Alan- you are amazing x
How are you doing now?
Please don't exile yourself. It will surely take time and healing, but you can trust someone again. Try and realize, you just trusted the wrong person this time.
For me it is less the rejection but more the way it was executed. He looked at me in disgust and discarded me days after telling me what an amazing girlfriend I was. It just blew my mind and threw me into a state of absolute desperation. The idea that I was set up to fail is so hurtful to me that I still have to get to the bottom of it.
Thanks for the wise attitude.I experienced the trauma of "no contact" and intuitively cured myself by mindfull contact.
Hi, would love to hear how everything went? Was the no contact beneficial looking back? How are things now? Update?
Alan, you are absolutely right on this painful, gut wrenching situation. Observing my ex since the breakup, allowed me to see a variety of perspectives; more information to draw from,.. Knowledge is power you know. It calmed my dark emotions, sick imagination, grief and eased my mind looping. Thank you very much for bringing forth your professional opinion on "no contact". I was exhausted from trying to stay "no contact". I needed to see with my own two eyes. I can't heal until I "understand" and Feel it true. It has to make sense to my brain, and then the pain dissipates in my heart-- then I can move on.
Hi, would love to hear how everything went? Was the no contact beneficial looking back? How are things now? Update?
@@evearcana2392 how are you doing now?
I'd not heard the term Primal Panic before. That's a perfect way to describe it! Feels like I'm going to die in that state, and like the only thing that will help is contact. And it's staggering how contact can instantly calm my nervous system dramatically. It feels like being a heroin addict and shooting up and getting so much relief... Until being back in contact is so painful again that I feel like I have to get away! And back and forth in that vicious cycle. Thank you for normalizing and explaining my experience. It helps to know it's not just me and that it makes sense. I feel like most people don't understand how extreme it is or how hard it is to stay away. And then I feel ashamed. I love that you reframe "live addiction" as attachment trauma. So much less shaming. Hard to know which is less traumatic: contact or no contact!
Thanks for sharing your reflections after watching the video. Glad it was thought provoking. You described the experience well. Going "no contact" can understandably trigger our primal panic. Good awareness on the back and forth cycle that can happen when trying to get contact and reassurance again. We discuss primal panic in the Improve Your Relationships Community sometimes. The community is based on Self-Directed Healing which means you get to create your own healing plans and we learn a lot through our discussions with each other. Start the conversation or join in.
Check out the community:
www.alanrobarge.com/community
I really appreciate this info... I had been in several months NC, successfully, and it seemed to be going pretty well. Even in early stages of seeing someone new. But a rough personal event last week, realizing new person might not work out, then coming across prior person's just reinstated dating profile produced a far stronger reaction than I expected. Last night I might have convinced myself I should text etc... But I leaned into the emotions and was able to access some early childhood (emotional) abandonment trauma I had never really been able to touch before. And as you so wisely put it, the stuff with last partner is really about that childhood stuff and not about them. Dug into it pretty deeply, did a lot of crying and shaking, feeling a really great sense of catharsis today. Not done with it, but now in touch with it and moving through it. And I have pros that can help me.
Thanks for your perspective!
There’s some great points made here. I grew up and lived in a big city till my late 20’s. Often, I would never lay eyes again on a boyfriend, after we broke up.
Now, after living in a small town for more than 25 years, I’d say it’s been extremely helpful to have to keep seeing old lovers. We learn to accept change, to get over the past and reorient ourselves to each other. That’s true of other types of relationships that have hit bumby roads, as well. We find ways to live peacefully amidst each other, despite disagreements or past painful interactions. Acceptance. Forgiveness. And not uncommonly, forgetting! Continued exposure to people, day in and out, actually causes my mind to forget some of the older chapters in a relationship and I’m just present with them today.
I’m scared to drive by and see a strange car in the drive.
I've known the "origin" for almost 40 years and I still go through the same thing in my relationships... I'm soooooo tired of going through the same trauma over and over...
BeHisLikeness Could it be that you have misidentified the origin? I thought the same thing and have recently re-identified my origin and am starting to go through a grieving process which I think will lead to being free from repeat behavior
@@nicolej8502 it's possible but it would be from birth instead of 3 years old... it has to do with the feeling of being abandoned...
BeHisLikeness I totally understand.
The one I just recently identified for myself is actually from birth, and a condition that was existing in my family and I was born into it.. which is why I think I never was able to identify it before. In other words, not a specific event, but more of family dynamic if that makes sense..I always thought my abandonment trauma was from things that I remembered which happened later, but those things didn’t quite fit right and identifying them didn’t really help me make progress. I think those things happened bc of the family dynamics and just made my issues worse
@@BeHisLikeness me too, I know and hugs, live in the now. This person wasn't there in the past ,is not mean for the future, and the most secure attachment we have, is ourselves and other new connections.
I love listening to all aspects and angles of what Alan brings to the table!
Thank you Alan, you are truly a gift!
Very well put Alan!! Thank you for the validation.
Thank you! This really spoke to my situation and I feel validated
I really appreciate the information in this video. It's unbelievable that, until now, I didn't realize how my actual physical being could be so involved in my emotional state. To realize that my nervous system can respond to an emotional trigger without my even being aware of it sort of "opens up" my "bubble" of being caught up in the panic and feeling of abandonment. It really underlines the idea that "what you don't know can hurt you." Thank you, Alan, for sharing your knowledge and insights. I am more-than-ready to learn to understand them.
Thank you for this... makes total sense and very helpful. Grief energy and the result of childhood needs not being met so self care, self soothing and self love is so important. I think the ‘no contact’ approach is for me❤️
Thank you so much for this video! That is exactly what I'm experiencing, every time I try to go no contact. Sometimes it happens 2 weeks later, other times the same day. When I put his number back into my phone, my system starts to relax.
I relate to all of this, at least for the past. I now see clearly why I behaved in a certain way. Strangley, even if it hurts to hear this - because it is so true - it is also soothing because that part of myself who endured so much as a child finally feels seen, heard and understood. Working on yourself always pays off. Great talk Alan.
Thank you so much for this video. The way you explain things truly helps me understand better than any other videos I have seen. I can't thank you enough. ✌️
I completely agree with this because when i tried to go no contact it caused severe anxiety and confusion in me.. the guily and shame and feeling like i had made the wrong decision or that was now going to create more problems ...
I feel like breaking up with someone or dissolving a relationship you have been in for years takes time. . It takes time to truly feel emotionally ok to not speak to them or talk to them... and sometimes reconnecting with them can be the information you need to know that u dont want to continue the relationship.. otherwise you always will feel like maybe it would have been different... when u let youself have real experience you have real information to go off of...
Yes, it's true, ending does take time after investing in a relationship for so long. Many of us didn't get to learn about the skills in ending well. I remember when we talked about this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's great when others can relate with what we're going through and we learn so much from each other. Thank you for the insightful comment. Glad this video sparked reflection. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
One of the best most informative videos/messages I have experienced to date. Thank you for the courage to sometimes go against the more popular sentiment.
Someone has to break the trend. This no contact thing has become a trend. I'm sure it's totally called for in some cases, but there's never a one size fits all for all relationships and all people.
I feel this. When I unfollowed my ex's social media it actively shut me right out. It made me feel extremely isolated. It didn't help me heal. In all that time, I remained obsessively focused, perhaps more so because now I could only imagine what he was doing in life.
I have, once again, gone no contact and this time I've even blocked him because I have come to realise he was emotionally abusive so this time I am doing it for my own safety to prevent him from hoovering me back in. But I am in a much healthier place now and can go no contact without triggering that panic.
I really did feel like going no contact wasn't helping me, was making things worse before. It's interesting to hear your perspective.
I don't follow my partners on social media. I rarely post them on my socials. It makes these things much easier. I highly recommend it.
Stopped contacting my ex after she told me she felt it wasn’t gonna work out in the long-term. Not out of manipulation but so I can have peace of mind. Thing is, I still miss her like crazy. There was no wrong in her calling it quits, she was different than my other ex’s though.
i am experiencing this to the extreme. its like we are stranded on an island together....no outside support and no contact. its only us and we dont talk. So lonely and sad.
Hi, would love to hear how everything went? Was the no contact beneficial looking back? How are things now? Update?
what a great video, thanks as always! 💟
Not only are you extremely insightful, you also have a strong command of the English language and are able to choose the right words so that all is very clear. Brilliant! Thank you so much for taking the time to do your videos.
What’s difficult is the push and pull- when you both have attachment trauma - but one is anxious/codependent and the other is avoiding but when the anxious ends it the avoidant comes forth and the cycle continues- I am a codependent in recovery and been doing a lot of work. For me I can’t do this dance anymore as I have completely lost myself prior- I recognise the pattern. I have in fact found myself in the same pattern again after a break up- but I have to be strong enough to get out of the dynamics ❤️ break ups are hard! But hanging on to the wrong relationships are harder and more damaging in the long term xxx
How did you get out of the pattern?
I love your delivery, very straightforward yet comforting. Truth without the ‘tell it to ya too straight’ness passive-harshness I’ve seen on similar channels.. like I can safely seek all the helpful info without the uh.. nosediving me into my 1st psychotic break baha?? 😂😭🙏lolz ty for addressing these tender topics with empathy :) Always nice healing without more hurt.
I appreciate the feedback. Thank you for seeing my effort. Glad it brings benefit.
Since this content is helpful, I also want to share in case you haven't already heard about it, you may also like to take part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Very clear and helpful. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you. Everything you said corresponds with what I have been going through.
I am a person who learned about no contact through youtube videos and had to go no contact, put myself on it. At first to try to get on with, get over him, my breakup not to play games and it worked.
What Alan talks about at 16:24 I did that with my ex bf a couple of years ago. I drove by his house and it was soothing in the way you describe THANK YOU for explaining that about the nervous system because I did not know the science/facts behind it I just knew that it felt soothing, comforting to see the car in the driveway, to know he was on his schedule. I only did it a few times at first when the break io was fresh because I used to spend everyday with him so when I broke up with him to have everything end so suddenly my daily routine with him etc. takes tome to get used to
Your videos are just genius and life changing. Thank you from the bottom of my attachment trauma’d heart 🙏 💔
ADHD, thank you for those kind and funny words. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community
Well said and very clear! I appreciate your work and your videos.
Thanks for valuing the effort I put into offering explanation. Glad my work resonates. Please also share this video with friends who may resonate. Help me spread the word.
Thank you so much for your wisdom and knowledge... you've connected all the puzzle pieces.
Sarah, thank you for the supportive comment. I'm glad to hear that my work is of value for you. For more ways to engage or support this material check out these options:
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Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Brilliant. :-) Thanks for your work, it is very valuable.
Brilliant!
It’s what I did. You are validating my human experience, Alan Robarge! Thank the Lord for you and your work!
So nice to hear you are finding so much value in this content. Thanks for letting me know. And since you liked this video, please share it with others who might also like it. Help me spread the word by sharing it via Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter. This will help continue quality content creation.
thank you. ..being real, being compassionate
Your delivery is beautiful thank you for these free vids
Cheryl, Good to know the videos and posts are helpful. I am glad you benefit from the effort and time investment it takes to offer quality content. Please consider becoming a sustaining supporter with a donation. Making a contribution supports the continuation of more quality content. While the videos on RUclips are "free" they still require a great deal of time to shoot, edit and process them. When I hear from appreciative folks like yourself I am glad for the ability to offer them free of charge. If you would like to continue to see new content published here, please consider a donation at www.alanrobarge.com/donate or join us in the community conversation at www.alanrobarge.com/community
You are wonderful. Can't thank you enough for all these videos.
Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more:
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Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.
Wow, I never thought of "No Contact" under such a light.
I assumed that not contacting someone was just a way to bring emotional closure to oneself and signal the end of a relationship.
It seems that No contact can be, in fact, a protective wall stopping people suffering PTSD/love addiction from falling back into old patterns/habits that are destructive.
yes, acting desperate, calling person , begging is a bow to self-esteem and makes one feel like sh*t
Extremely helpful. Thank you. :)
thank you for validating what I've always thought that maybe just 1 peek to be assured they're okay and the small happiness it brings helps let go.
This is brilliant. I have known about this conundrum for years. Thank you so much for articulating it.
I appreciate the comment. Glad my work speaks to you and thank you for valuing my effort.
If this content is helpful then you may also like the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. Take the quiz to learn more. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thankyou so much. Really helpful
So kind and gentle. Thank you
Glad you like the video. You're welcome.
I do like the clunky terms because they are defining things, Primal panic is something I heard here that I haven't heard before but it is good to know.
Just found you .
You make sense and have helped me go from feeling confused and isolated to having more clarity.
I'd love to be able to talk with you more personally .
But I'm in Australia .
Cheryl, I am glad you found my videos and that they are helpful in your healing work. I created an 8-week program of self-directed healing work to put healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look big picture at how attachment injuries and attachment trauma got set up on our lives we are able to begin to see relationships from a new perspective. We also gain access to inner resources that shift our relationship to the longing and suffering. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. If this is something that interests you, you are welcome to join us. We have community members all around the world and time zones do not matter at all! The community members are kind and supportive. www.alanrobarge.com/community
I’m dealing with a break up after a 2 year engagement and it’s really tearing me apart not hearing from her and not being able to text her. Regardless my feelings for her haven’t changed. I still love her just as much now as I did then. She was and is my first real love. I don’t want to go without contact because I feel in my heart that there is still a chance for reconciliation in the future. I just don’t know how to give her the time to realize that we are meant to be without losing her all together.
I cried 14 hours in my partner's arms after he broke up with me. It was really helpful. I felt like I can't survive that pain by myself.
I can truly understand where you're coming from. Stay strong as I am also going through a breakup :( Take care of yourself.
I have all this trauma. My partner of 5 years, the love of my life, abandoned me and my kids. I wasn’t given the kindness of being broken up with. I was told “I’m not going to talk to you anymore” no explanation, nothing. Deleted all photos of us and our family from all of his social media as though I had never existed. As someone with this trauma, with ptsd, and with bpd having someone do that triggered this times a million. I ended up in the hospital twice. Seven months later I still desperately want to talk to him. I think another large part of it aside from this primal panic (which I find spot on!) is I want to know I meant something to him.
How are you today Alex?
Thank you for this video & your knowledge. I indulged in most of these behaviours last year, when the relationship ended. She text's me once a month, & I don't know why (since she ended it) but I can't delete her. Naming this behaviour makes it easier.
This guy's great. Hey, Alan, I'd love to write your book!
This video deserves to be shared to every human who ever tires or tried to get over someone! As the saying knowledge is wealth goes, this knowledge is more than wealth!
I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work. Glad it brings you benefit.
This topic also comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
Thank you for such powerfully insightful videos. With all due respect, and I know you have provided admonitions, qualifiers and disqualifiers, I somewhat disagree with the “conscious contact” or soft-stalking strategy for the simple reason that such behavior, while immediately soothing, is really just another dependency-fostering fix in the obsession/addiction/deprivation cycle. Yes, this is a discretionary area, and a “last resort” practice which may be benign & workable for some, but counterproductive and maybe even significantly retraumatizing or dangerously re-engaging for others; it’s a pretty big roll of the dice. Having a sponsor/mentor/confidant whom one could call in moments of overwhelming grief, rather than engaging in cloak and dagger voyeurism via “conscious contact” is, I think, a much healthier and far less risky way to handle things. Keep up the great work Alan; you are awesome!
As someone who's good at the soft talking, conscious contact approach, I somewhat agree. I start that way and our conversations have always pulled me back in so far, even though I'm pretty convinced at the time that its not. He ends up convincing me that he's going to work on his issues and I'm back in again. Let's see if i do it differently this time.
That is some alternative and human approach! Very wise and pratical! You know how real people are...
I appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my efforts to offer helpful content. Glad it offers benefit.
If you like this video then you may also like taking part in the conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
This was so helpful. Thank you so much.
You're welcome. Glad this was helpful. You may also want to check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz.
www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz
I went no contact with my emotionally manipulative and emotionally abusive, narcissistic mother in law after suffering for a very long time. But felt something missing even though I didn't need her in any way. Now that you have explained about the human need to be in connection, it all makes sense. I make a small talk when I bump into her and leave it at that, which is working well for me.
Very practical information and you're addressing things that aren't addressed in other support resources. Thank you!
Also I'm trying an all natural adrenal vitamin in an effort to help regulate my hormones, fight or flight, etc. So far it's helping with exhaustion at least. Could help others🙏🏻 I'm taking Thorne adrenal
I've been the one to end it and I'm still going through this
Wow, how when you ended it? Was it an ego type ending?
@@mystijkissler8183 I'm not sure what you're asking
@@Rebecca-vt7rp me too, I ended it and I'm still so in love with him and we get on so well but unfortunately he cheated on me by going on dating sites and talking to other women, then taking one to dinner. He is very messed up from a mother and father who abandoned him, and other stuff, very sad. But he was making me sick from his lies.
@@charlottebruce979 well I can tell you this for sure, you made the right choice. I ended up going back to mines, he's never cheated not at all, infact he wants kids and marriage eventually but there's one big problem. We both have diff religions and it's getting in the way. I wish I could stay with him but now i'm at a crossroads again because I don't want to become muslim so I'm going to eventually have to leave. I don't have the strength to do it so right now i'm stuck.
Me too. So painful.
Great video! Thnak you.
Listen to it twice it's even better the second time
I appreciate the feedback. Glad you like this one.
To dive deeper into the behaviors that surface in this situation you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.come/adrquiz
Youre so nice to us about everything.....thank you really💌
Appreciate the feedback. Glad this content is helpful for you.
Thank you again....this opened the door to understanding what is happening to my nervous system....I need to now learn about this because I am so physically ill I can not function well.
This is why I go no contact only once I feel ready for that, meaning that this decision must be deeply meditated, it takes weeks to be communicated and implemented, and we should leave the door open on one condition : certain things must have changed
Sound and prudent negotiating. Glad you resonated with this video. I'm reminded of how we can never have enough conversations about primal panic. Thanks for commenting.
If you haven't already heard about it, based on your comment, you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Educating ourselves about attachment dynamics is a way to be proactive in relationships.
Excellent presentation, Alan! I'm in withdrawal from my partner who I thought would make my life complete and ally my yearning for connection. I'm grieving over her, but it's more depression than anxiety. Like one of the comments I read below, I tend to avoid her so as not to deepen my depression if she responds with a statement that she's now with someone new, or doesn't respond at all. Either way, the pain, and some anger, is up for me, even though her love avoidant behavior isn't contributing at all to my sense of well-being. Just seems like my previous serenity flew out the window....
Robert Kaufman have you read up about AVOIDANT ABUSE?
I could watch these all day long and just absorb..
powerful - mahalo Alan
You are amazing! Thank you 😊
Thank you for valuing my material Candace. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
The problem with the decision of contact or no contact is it’s often being made at a point of extremis. If you’re moving to contact because you’re nervous system is so overwhelmed the chances of making appropriate decisions is by definition flawed. The idea that we can be soothed as a kind of emergency response by dropping a text or driving past our ex partners home is very limited. Going no contact is difficult, it’s a painful withdrawal however it’s much better to focus on yourself than trying in some way to relate to the ex. Far better to spend time with friends, watch some box sets and take back control over your life. I understand the argument but I think the chances of most people to have insight into this as a useful tool is limited when by definition the struggle is about attachment and needs and most likely presents in individuals with a degrees of ‘brokenness’ and poor self worth.
Thank you for your RUclips channel
This method actually helped me move on. I got my answers that helped me clear my mind. I was driving myself insane and was tired of thinking what could he be doing. I’m still healing but my reactions are getting better daily.
Oh that's wonderful that you found some clarity of mind. Thank you for valuing my videos and the effort it took to create them. I'm glad this one is of benefit to you. Please considering showing your support for the value offered by checking out the Sustaining Supporter page to commit to a donation for my channel. New content and new videos are in the works. Thanks for the comment. www.alanrobarge.com/donate
another great video. I guess it depends on the connecting person not being addicted to the ex. I'm not sure that contact won't simply postpone the adrenaline rush of actually splitting up because where you're addicted to the ex it's like there's no way to stop drinking booze by drinking booze. once that neural pathway is reinvigorated it could take years before you're able to try to "get sober" and many people never will
I broke no contact (in an immature way, hoping to get back together). But honestly, though it postponed the grieving process, it helped me tremendously to get over the panic state. The panic attacks were huge before, I had the feeling of having to die, so so primal, it was terrible. After the contact the attacks went down in intensity and after several smaller contacts thereafter (which now have ended) I was ready for the grieving. At the time of the panic attacks I didn't know what they were about, I thought I went crazy, and I think now that my contacting prevented me of getting retraumatized, it was really the worst. I'm still in the grieving process, but the panic has gone now completely (also thanks to Neurofeedback).
Ruth Stedtfeld of totally agree and I had to do the same. it helped for me to have had a bit of space between my feelings and fear (seeing that IN FACT i slept better, looked better and felt vetter without him buzzing in my head all day) and what I had previously done ie jumped straight back in which suited him very well and ensured that nothing ever got resolved.
I think no contact til I actually realised I was losing nothing of any true value worked for me because by then I was 99% ready to let go anyway. it was just that final skinny little thread that I had to snap.
It took me a year before I could go no contact with an ex who I just have a really difficult time letting go of. He was happy to be in touch with me. We both realized the relationship couldn't work due to fundamental incompatibilities, but I hung on too hard emotionally. Finally, after a year, I was able to actually relinquish contact. It was still hard, but doable. Like I didn't crumble. I had to stop the contact because he got involved with someone else, and it was just too hard to hang around and watch it. Maybe down the line I can touch base. So, there you go!
thank you so so so much for this. I fell in love with my friend, and he didn't quite feel the same way, and we tried no contact.. it lasted four months, and that was 5 years ago now, and so much confusion and pain has happened since, but because of where we were in our lives and not because of any abuse. Still, I had this reaction whenever things got hard and I considered losing him. It would rock my entire body and the pain would be so overwhelming that i would stop being able to breathe, and this video is so validating as to understanding what happened.
Your videos are so helpful in my situation, with him and with my painful attachment injuries of childhood. Thank you
Purple Nebulae was it ever a sexual relationship?
This is so helpful. I'm friends on Facebook with an old boyfriend. He's married. I would like to unfriend or block but have felt it would make things worse. This video helped me see why I'm going through the feeling that I can't live with or without this person. I appreciate the validation.
I appreciate the feedback. Thanks for sharing that this video is helpful and thanks for sharing your experience.
Thank you in my story you are a hero ❤
I appreciate the kind words. Glad my work brings benefit.
If you like this content you may also like taking the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2
Thank u sir cus I'm still having trouble letting go?, cus of the music that brings me back memories :)
I have to stop the Music to get over that loss
Music beings in lots of sadness in my world
Too empathic
Thank you so much for this video
You're welcome
Good stuff alan
I'm practicing conscious contact. It's helping me let go.
It helps a lot.
Can you explain more?
yes in so many ways... phew.. so intense 😆 thank you
I understand that. Yes, intense. Glad this resonates.
It's important to know how to invite other options besides no-contact sometimes. This comes up in conversations in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. You're welcome to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community
As you find yourself exiting a relationship it’s worth backing up to the point where you got into the relationship in the first place and evaluating why you went down that road. More than likely the relationship was doomed from the start. That can make it easier to get over. It was all a waste of time. Going forward, make better choices.
Thank you ❤
That's true! Sir!
Good to see this different perspective. No Contact has become such a universal prescription that it's akin to a pharma solution to something much more complex and nuanced. "Go in Peace" should or could be an aspiration in the ending of a significant relationship. The honouring of what was invested, and the significance it took on, if not expressed, becomes devalued. A break-up, an ending, is the time when one or both parties wish to leave with dignity and self-esteem. If not wholly damaged, then certainly with redemption. Usually, one partner will 'discard' but once the 'discarded' partner can work through the stages of grief to the point of re-integration and acceptance, some level of contact - in the right circumstances and with the appropriate level of agency - can be very helpful in healing.
The Buddhist focus on losing attachment is a useful starting point. The practice of Samata and Metta (tranquillity of mind and universal love - spellings vary) can help in healing and gaining strength.
As Alan Robarge clearly says, it has to be the right thing for you and the form of contact has to be at the right time and in the right way. Have a good journey!
Would love to hear more on self therapy for getting over attachment trauma. Don't feel the need to drive by the ex's house but want to get to the bare bones of healing and becoming the person I want to be. Any additional advice you have to get there would be much appreciated. Thank you.