Wow, that's fascinating. We can't imagine how different things must have been. It make us appreciate the ease of connection today, but also wonder about the depth of those older connections.🥰
Thanks for posting such an interesting conversation! Gosh being able to live authentically takes a lifetime to achieve, doesn't it? I remember having asked my dad, years ago when he was still with us, what the most powerful lesson he learned in his lifetime was... My dad simply responded, '...relationships, absolutely the relationships.' and what I've found as the most powerful lesson is finding people with skills of engagement to build relationships with. I remember a treasured conversation I also had with a close friend reflecting on how confounding it was that if there were 100 points to match on, that all 100 points would be required for a match and that the 2 points missing if 98 points matched might mean those 2 missing factors could be fatal to that potential relationship. As we all soldier on... the very best to all of you!
Remember the man you're "checking out" is altering his thoughts and reactions as he sees you noticing him. I'm a verbal and social chameleon anyway.Traditionally masculine in public and in private in body language and voice. No. I'm not "masc acting." I just am. So I wear rainbow bands on my wrists. Not afraid to be a bit flashy or sharp. I tend to be playful, love word play. Be yourself.
That's a fascinating perspective!🤩It's interesting how we all adapt our behavior in social settings. Your ability to navigate different personas is impressive. Authenticity is key, and it's inspiring to hear you embrace your unique style.😊
Fascinating episode! It’s nice to know that the concept of gaydar still exists. I have used it, sometimes unconsciously, for may years. I have gotten a bit better at it in recent years, since gender has become more fluid, using the sense of sight. I have also used gaydar to determine if someone I see and have only met online is gay, and have been met with resistance after a certain point.
It's interesting how gaydar has evolved with the times. It's a fascinating skill that many of us have developed. The online world adds a new layer of complexity to it, though. It's great to hear about your experiences.❤
I used to think I didn't have a gaydar (mostly because I always felt it wasn't polite to make assumptions about people) but now I feel pretty confident about it. But it still confusing non the less... A couple years back I met this guy and my first instinct was to think he was gay, despite him showing no mannerisms or behaving in a gay or fem way. Shortly after, he approached me in a way that is unusual for guys and I got the vibe he was secretly into me, despite me having no interest in him. But with time as we got closer and closer that changed and I developed interest in him. He always treated me differently than he did with other people. Guys or girls. Like he was a total different person with me. And he always had a fixation in getting my attention, to a point that he would create situations on purpose to get that attention. And people would notice and make comments in that regard. And on top of everything, every girl I knew who knew him swore he was gay (one thing I've noticed is that women are way more confident about their gaydar, so if they tell me a guy is gay I believe them). He also always would over compensate a lot, and that made it more confusing. But, when I told him I had feelings for him, he went out of character and had a very immature and defensive attitude about it. When I told him he meant so much to me he said "I'm strictly into women lol". And when I called him out on his misleading behavior he tried to gaslight me "Man if I was ever misleading I didn't mean to because I'm very much straight. I was just being nice". So after that I ended the friendship because the dynamic there was too toxic to handle. And overnight he got himself a girlfriend (not surprising at all). But unfortunately he still present in my life, and despite us not being friends anymore he still seems to have that fixation in me and keeps trying to force interactions which makes it a little painful to deal. But everyone, specially the women, still think he's gay. He honestly gives serious Colton Underwood vibes (specially after watching his docuseries...). In conclusion, situations of this nature make it confusing to whether gaydar is actually a thing or not... I think it is! But: Is he in the closet??? Or Is he just a straight guy taking advantage of the genuine affection of a gay man to boost his ego and feel good about himself???? 🤔 So confusing!! 🫣😬
It's understandable how confusing it can be when someone's actions don't match up with what people expect or say about them. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's okay to feel uncertain about the situation. It's tough to say for sure what's going on, but trusting your instincts and protecting your own well-being are important.❤
Great conversation...I'm just surprised that the concept of "gayface" wasn't mentioned (unless I missed it!). As someone outside of North America (I'm from the Caribbean) public conversations on these topics are generally not a thing. So I hope you guys appreciate the wondeful belssing you have of living in countries where, depsite your other challenges, fora like this are allowed you.
That’s a really good point about the importance of open conversations. It’s a privilege to have spaces like this where we can discuss these topics openly. It’s great to hear perspectives from different parts of the world.🤩
Had some gay creep stalking me last night and I had to confront him with the threat of bodily harm and he went away. I am a clean cut guy so sometimes people make assumptions but DO NOT stalk people on the street thinking they might be gay.
We're so sorry to hear that. No one should ever feel unsafe, especially when just going about their day. Stalking is a serious issue, and it's great that you stood up for yourself. Hopefully, this will deter them from doing it again.❤
I love how Matt said that if you see a masculine guy win the lottery, they would act in a way that makes you think "are you gay?", when the original definition of the word gay is "lighthearted and carefree". So yeah, they are acting gay in that instance :)
That's a really interesting point about Matt's observation. It's funny how societal norms and stereotypes can influence our perceptions of masculinity. It's important that everyone can express themselves in their own way, regardless of their gender identity.😉
It always awes me about how much time you all spend on things like this. If I wanted to know someone's sexual orientation - I asked. There's no great mystery to all this. I realize the name of the channel suggests more than a surface glance at things but the majority of the time, the topics reveal an astounding shallowness.
Interesting take. An episode about unconscious bias, code switching, and minority stress resonates deeply for many people, but we thank you for your honest feedback - as always! Despite the 'astounding shallowness' of our topics, you remain one of our most consistent viewers who often takes time to comment and leave your opinion- so we thank you! 🥰
@@GayMenGoingDeeper it isn't always the topics which are shallow but how they're approached. The comments about appearance, movement, etc., often turn a serious topic into yet another stereotype. It's a sad thing to see time and time again on this channel. The irony is, on the surface, you three seem to be wanting to break down these stereotypes...and yet, you reinforce almost every one of them by the end of the episode. :(
That’s a powerful perspective. It's inspiring to hear about your journey of self-discovery. Finding that authentic sense of self takes time and courage. Your honesty is commendable.👏👏
Ahh this conversation was amazing and hits close to home. The idea of gaydar is anxiety inducing for me. I remember I’d be so distant to my sisters friends because I didn’t want them to catch any vibe and was so scared of leaving the room and her friends asking my sister if I was gay or not. Currently I don’t mind if people know I’m gay, but I don’t want that to be the first thing they think when they see me. I just don’t like the idea of being seen as different I guess and it shows me that there’s something different that sticks out about myself that I cannot control. I remember my friends mom called me a f slur (in Spanish) right after I just said hi and waved to her after meeting her on FaceTime for the first time. It’s just…I don’t know how to explain it. I just don’t want to be “othered” before anyone even gets to know me.
We're so sorry you've had to go through that. It's incredibly painful to feel like your identity is something people focus on before they even know you. The pressure to fit in, and the fear of being judged for who you are, is exhausting. It's completely valid to feel that way. You deserve to be seen as a whole person, not just a label. Know that you're not alone in feeling this way, and it's okay to take your time with things. Sending you lots of strength and support.❤
Absolutely! It's fascinating how intuition and connection play such a big role. It seems like there's a certain innate understanding within the community. It’s almost like a sixth sense.😉
This is actually a really interesting topic, gaydar, so thanks for talking about it. But let's not say that it's a basic topic. Think about gays throughout history. I mean one reading of 'Stone Butch Blues' and you'll realize real quick why gaydar isn't basic. Understanding and developing gaydar is crucial for many LGBTQ+ individuals, especially kids and young people growing up in marginalized neighborhoods and cities. The world might be sunshine, lollipops and rainbows for a certain demographic, but let's not fool ourselves that acceptance is assured for all. You could even consider it a middle class privilege. If it's all you got to work with, it can help create a sense of belonging and community, even if that connection is knowing that at least there is someone else who feels similar to you. It also gives students an idea of who the supportive teachers and allies are in environments that may be hostile. This topic is far from basic-it's essential for fostering safety, support, and community cohesion. In fact, one could argue that an arts or literature survey course covering the historical context of gaydar could establish a subgenre of sorts. It's an area of study at least. I don't know if that's what queer theory technically is, but hey let's use it. Throughout history, examples of gaydar can be seen in the social gatherings of ancient Rome, the coded poetry of the Renaissance, the clandestine Molly Houses of 18th-century England, Walt Whitman's subtle references, the vibrant LGBTQ scene in Weimar Berlin and the hanky code of the 1970s. There's also the subtle signaling among the eromenos and erastes in ancient Greece, the coded language of "Polari" among British gay men in the mid-20th century. We got examples of gaydar in Asia as well. In Japan, the Edo period (1603-1868) saw the rise of "wakashudo" (the way of youths) and the "onnagata" (male actors playing female roles in Kabuki theater), where subtle signals and coded language were used within these communities to identify and communicate with other gay men. Hell, gaydar and nonverbal signalling is revolutionary quite frankly.
Fascinating insights! Gaydar is indeed a complex topic with deep historical roots. Your perspective highlights its significance for marginalized communities.🤩
There are some heterosexual men in these streets wearing shorter shorts than they used to. They finally learned the correct length of shorts, so don't presume it's a gay guy with the short shorts!
That's a funny observation! It's great to see more people embracing fashion choices that feel comfortable and confident. Whether it's a gay guy or a straight guy, who cares? Everyone deserves to feel good in what they're wearing.😉😍
I can tell people are gay by mannerisms, way they dress, how they look at me, etc. I have extremely great gaydar. I'm 100% gay and can sense others easily. Even lesbian women.
That's interesting. Everyone has their own unique way of perceiving the world. While you may be able to sense others' sexuality, it's important to remember that not everyone is comfortable sharing that information. It's always best to respect people's privacy and avoid making assumptions.😉
Omg what a great topic! My gaydar is so awful, I can never tell, unless it’s very obvious. It also happens to me that, when I’m attracted to a man, I want them to be gay and to be attracted to me. I’m usually also a bit authentically flamboyant, but if I know I will be in a space that might not be safe, I absolutely turn it down. In the end, the gaydar doesn’t make any difference, we just have to talk to this person if we want to know, I guess. Thanks again for a brilliant episode.
Haha, the struggles of gaydar! We feel you on that. It's like a superpower we all wish we had. And yeah, the whole internal conflict when you're attracted to someone who might be gay is a real thing. It's tough navigating those waters. But you're right, open communication is key. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!😍
That's an interesting perspective. It makes sense that facing unique challenges could foster a heightened sense of intuition. It’s like developing a survival skill, we think.😉
Over the past two years at my current job, I have had to privately come out on 4 separate occasions. I work in mental health and it is common knowledge that I am divorced and I have shared custody of my 9 year old twin daughters with my ex. Naturally everyone assumes I was married to a woman and on at least 4 occasions the subject comes during our weekly staff meetings. It is a very public forum and I am not very free with personal information and so I am forced to go along with the narrative that I am straight. I then privately have a chat with my offending coworker explaining that I am gay and my daughters were born via surrogacy. I actually wish my coworkers would just not respect my privacy and start gossiping with each other but considering this seems to be a behavioral pattern after two years, I am guess my coworkers don't talk. I live in a very conservative state that is known more for its white supremacists than accepting culture and I have never been overtly or obviously gay. I think? I work in a medical hospital and in general it is a very accepting place for any LGBTQ+ individuals. Out of frustration of having to consistently out myself to correct my external narrative I bought and started wearing a rainbow beaded necklace and a HRC baseball cap on a daily basis. Other than showing my coworkers pics of just how gay I can actually be, I don't know how else I could be more obviously gay. I think they are getting it.
It's frustrating that you've had to come out multiple times at work. It's great to hear that your workplace is generally accepting, but it's unfair that you've had to deal with assumptions and gossip. Your decision to wear a rainbow necklace and HRC cap is a great way to show your support for the LGBTQ+ community and hopefully help people understand your identity. Keep doing what feels right for you.🏳🌈
@@GayMenGoingDeeper Thanks for your comment and support. I try and make light of the situation because I have no choice but it is frustrating. Boise Pride is next month and I volunteered to man the booth representing the hospital where I work. I made a point to let my coworkers know I volunteered. These are the invisible challenges straight people tend to not recognize. If it happens again I have identified I will say to the entire staff meeting "Didn't you know? I am a gay ally with extremely poor boundaries". I think that comment will slap my coworkers in to this century and be subtle enough that I don't get fired. Thanks again for your comment. I live in Boise, Idaho and the gay community is very active but small. I like your guys channel because I work in mental health and it is very refreshing to hear intelligent and personal conversations about very real concerns of gay men. Cheers.
@@waynenubile5 Thanks for sharing your experience. It's frustrating to deal with that kind of behavior, especially in the workplace. Your plan for the staff meeting is a clever way to address the issue without causing too much trouble. We're glad you're involved with Boise Pride. It's great to see the community supporting each other.😍
That's an interesting point! It's definitely encouraging to see how younger generations are more open-minded and challenging outdated stereotypes. It gives us hope for the future.😍
it is so true that younger straight guys (I'm thinking very early twenties) all wear really short shorts these days, like boxer short-length shorts... They also all wear earrings, have gorgeous skin and hair and love fluorescent pinks and purples, yet have their girlfriend dangling on their side.. it's pretty crazy lol
ThankU Fellows, I have not listened in a while, you're still fresh & interesting as ever. I'm way outa the box, not in a good way. Sexuality deeply disordered, disrupted. Violence was the family way. I'm bi, but that term expresses little. Early childhood was a NDE. I've written you before re identity confusion. As a joke once i said i was schizo-sexual. When folks meet me, they assume I'm gay. I'm effeminate, i speak "gay voice". I live in NYC, my effeminacy is mild by local standards. As a dancer, i could dance masculine, without fem mannerisms. Matt proposed a hypothesis of a genetic basis. I would offer an alternate: the females in my family were so life crushingly violent I was imprinted, by age 1, shrinks call it "identification with the abuser". Can't be proved. I had an epiphany when Matt mentioned "resonance": That's it!! Gay men do not resonate with me! I'm in AA, drinking is not part of socializing. But i see confusion in their faces, even if they're attracted, with a look that says "What are you?" Another recent epiphany: I do love the female body. I'm aroused with women. I'm okay with the blood, the whole package. However, what i can't do with women is "lead". I believe it's a deal breaker. It may be a deal breaker with men.. I don't understand pairbonding with another guy. I'm guessing in a cooperative bond 2 guys take turns leading. I dunno. The last year has been tough. I thought i had acceptance. You know how central that is, in program, in Buddhism, in Stoicism... It all blew up. I accepted the unacceptable. It's all over, the only way to re-find acceptance is be in denial. Can't do it. For now, for today.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now. What you're describing is complex and deeply personal. It's brave of you to be so open about your struggles. Remember, there's no right or wrong way to feel, and it's okay to not have all the answers. We appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.🤗🥰
Yeah, I believe gaydar is a thing, but nowadays lots of young people play for the other team just out of curiosity and may or may not be gay or even care to identify that way.
@GayMenGoingDeeper I do have alot of perspectives it's like topics that ate deep in emphasis in the SGL/BI/GAY men aren't really talked in person especially aka Friends n associations...
Please comment on whether you find your gaydar doesn't work accurately when you travel outside your home base? As a U.S. resident, I have had gaydar issues in Europe, especially France and Italy.
That's an interesting observation. Cultural differences can definitely impact the accuracy of gaydar. It's possible that variations in social cues, fashion, and overall atmosphere can influence how we perceive others' sexual orientation. Have you noticed any specific cultural differences that might explain this?🤔
It's all in his face. Gay men have a spark in their eyes and if he is checking out another gay man, it will definitely show on his face, even if he tries to hide it. Watch his eyes and lips. Also, as Matt mentioned, gay men have this invisible energy pull (feeling) towards each other. For me it feels like I'm open with gay men but closed with straight men and this feeling is not sexual in nature.
Interesting points! Body language can be incredibly revealing. It's fascinating how subtle cues can sometimes speak volumes. The idea of an 'invisible energy pull' is intriguing too. It's clear that there's a unique dynamic between people, and it's always worth paying attention to those subtle signals. Thank you for sharing your perspective!🤩
It's important to remember that we can't make assumptions about someone's identity or diagnosis. If you're curious about someone's experiences, it's always best to ask them directly in a respectful and sensitive manner. Perhaps you could start by sharing your own experiences and see if there's a connection. Open and honest communication can be a great way to build understanding and support.🙂
That's a really good point. Labels can be limiting, and it's important to remember that everyone's experience is different. Gay culture is diverse, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to sexuality or relationships. It's great to see people questioning these norms and challenging expectations.🙂
I have Harvey Fierstein's voice, but mine is more gravelly. Is that a gay voice? I don't know straight men with this voice , only gays. Also, my college advisor told me I would never get a job, because i act too gay. He seemed pretty feminine to me also.
That's really interesting. Voices are so unique, and it's crazy how we associate certain qualities with specific groups. It's unfortunate that your college advisor made those kinds of assumptions. It's clear that stereotypes about people can be really harmful. Everyone deserves to feel confident in their own skin, regardless of how they sound.🥰
Y’all must live in very rural areas. I remember this guy in LA who had pink short shorts on while in line w his girlfriend at in and out burger. Here in Chicago, short shorts are popular among heterosexual men (and gay men) even in the suburbs! Lol I wouldn’t assume someone is gay bc they have short shorts on 😂
Haha, it's funny how fashion trends can vary so much from place to place. We guess it's all about personal style, right? You're totally right about not assuming someone's sexuality based on their clothes. It's all about getting to know someone for who they are.🥰
Yeah, it’s becoming very popular among straight men. Short shorts and manscaping. I’ve never seen a straight guy in a crop top! As its mentioned on the show. But I heard that crop tops among straight men were popular in sports during the 70’s or 80’s
@@freddie5411 It's interesting how fashion trends evolve, isn't it? Short shorts and manscaping are definitely more mainstream now than ever before. The crop top thing is intriguing. It's true that they were popular in certain sports back in the day, but it's wild to see how they're re-emerging in a different context. Fashion is definitely pushing boundaries!🤩
When i was young and braved my first gay bars in nyc, I was told more than once by a bar patron that I was in a gay bar. Very masc presenting dude here, even tho my youtube handle is Millie lol
Honestly in my day we all were versatile because being able to connect was not easy , it was Miraculous !!!❤
Wow, that's fascinating. We can't imagine how different things must have been. It make us appreciate the ease of connection today, but also wonder about the depth of those older connections.🥰
LOL As a Vintage Gay Guy one thing I can say for certain is that I still wake up Gay every day and it never goes away 🤣
That's awesome! It's inspiring to hear that your authentic self has always been a constant.🤩
What a poet lol
Thanks for posting such an interesting conversation! Gosh being able to live authentically takes a lifetime to achieve, doesn't it? I remember having asked my dad, years ago when he was still with us, what the most powerful lesson he learned in his lifetime was... My dad simply responded, '...relationships, absolutely the relationships.' and what I've found as the most powerful lesson is finding people with skills of engagement to build relationships with. I remember a treasured conversation I also had with a close friend reflecting on how confounding it was that if there were 100 points to match on, that all 100 points would be required for a match and that the 2 points missing if 98 points matched might mean those 2 missing factors could be fatal to that potential relationship. As we all soldier on... the very best to all of you!
Beautifully said. Relationships are indeed the cornerstone of life. It's inspiring to hear your reflections.🥰
Remember the man you're "checking out" is altering his thoughts and reactions as he sees you noticing him. I'm a verbal and social chameleon anyway.Traditionally masculine in public and in private in body language and voice. No. I'm not "masc acting." I just am. So I wear rainbow bands on my wrists. Not afraid to be a bit flashy or sharp. I tend to be playful, love word play. Be yourself.
That's a fascinating perspective!🤩It's interesting how we all adapt our behavior in social settings. Your ability to navigate different personas is impressive. Authenticity is key, and it's inspiring to hear you embrace your unique style.😊
Fascinating episode! It’s nice to know that the concept of gaydar still exists. I have used it, sometimes unconsciously, for may years. I have gotten a bit better at it in recent years, since gender has become more fluid, using the sense of sight.
I have also used gaydar to determine if someone I see and have only met online is gay, and have been met with resistance after a certain point.
It's interesting how gaydar has evolved with the times. It's a fascinating skill that many of us have developed. The online world adds a new layer of complexity to it, though. It's great to hear about your experiences.❤
I used to think I didn't have a gaydar (mostly because I always felt it wasn't polite to make assumptions about people) but now I feel pretty confident about it. But it still confusing non the less...
A couple years back I met this guy and my first instinct was to think he was gay, despite him showing no mannerisms or behaving in a gay or fem way. Shortly after, he approached me in a way that is unusual for guys and I got the vibe he was secretly into me, despite me having no interest in him. But with time as we got closer and closer that changed and I developed interest in him. He always treated me differently than he did with other people. Guys or girls. Like he was a total different person with me. And he always had a fixation in getting my attention, to a point that he would create situations on purpose to get that attention. And people would notice and make comments in that regard. And on top of everything, every girl I knew who knew him swore he was gay (one thing I've noticed is that women are way more confident about their gaydar, so if they tell me a guy is gay I believe them). He also always would over compensate a lot, and that made it more confusing. But, when I told him I had feelings for him, he went out of character and had a very immature and defensive attitude about it. When I told him he meant so much to me he said "I'm strictly into women lol". And when I called him out on his misleading behavior he tried to gaslight me "Man if I was ever misleading I didn't mean to because I'm very much straight. I was just being nice". So after that I ended the friendship because the dynamic there was too toxic to handle. And overnight he got himself a girlfriend (not surprising at all). But unfortunately he still present in my life, and despite us not being friends anymore he still seems to have that fixation in me and keeps trying to force interactions which makes it a little painful to deal. But everyone, specially the women, still think he's gay. He honestly gives serious Colton Underwood vibes (specially after watching his docuseries...). In conclusion, situations of this nature make it confusing to whether gaydar is actually a thing or not... I think it is!
But: Is he in the closet??? Or Is he just a straight guy taking advantage of the genuine affection of a gay man to boost his ego and feel good about himself???? 🤔
So confusing!! 🫣😬
It's understandable how confusing it can be when someone's actions don't match up with what people expect or say about them. It sounds like you've been through a lot, and it's okay to feel uncertain about the situation.
It's tough to say for sure what's going on, but trusting your instincts and protecting your own well-being are important.❤
Great conversation...I'm just surprised that the concept of "gayface" wasn't mentioned (unless I missed it!). As someone outside of North America (I'm from the Caribbean) public conversations on these topics are generally not a thing. So I hope you guys appreciate the wondeful belssing you have of living in countries where, depsite your other challenges, fora like this are allowed you.
That’s a really good point about the importance of open conversations. It’s a privilege to have spaces like this where we can discuss these topics openly. It’s great to hear perspectives from different parts of the world.🤩
Thoroughly enjoyed this probing and raw conversation.
We're glad you enjoyed it! It's always refreshing to have honest and open discussions about important topics.🥰
Had some gay creep stalking me last night and I had to confront him with the threat of bodily harm and he went away. I am a clean cut guy so sometimes people make assumptions but DO NOT stalk people on the street thinking they might be gay.
We're so sorry to hear that. No one should ever feel unsafe, especially when just going about their day. Stalking is a serious issue, and it's great that you stood up for yourself. Hopefully, this will deter them from doing it again.❤
Wow, what a great podcast. Your honesty and openness is inspiring, thank you ❤
Thank you so much for listening! We're glad you found it inspiring.🥰
I love how Matt said that if you see a masculine guy win the lottery, they would act in a way that makes you think "are you gay?", when the original definition of the word gay is "lighthearted and carefree". So yeah, they are acting gay in that instance :)
That's a really interesting point about Matt's observation. It's funny how societal norms and stereotypes can influence our perceptions of masculinity. It's important that everyone can express themselves in their own way, regardless of their gender identity.😉
It always awes me about how much time you all spend on things like this. If I wanted to know someone's sexual orientation - I asked. There's no great mystery to all this. I realize the name of the channel suggests more than a surface glance at things but the majority of the time, the topics reveal an astounding shallowness.
Interesting take. An episode about unconscious bias, code switching, and minority stress resonates deeply for many people, but we thank you for your honest feedback - as always! Despite the 'astounding shallowness' of our topics, you remain one of our most consistent viewers who often takes time to comment and leave your opinion- so we thank you! 🥰
@@GayMenGoingDeeper it isn't always the topics which are shallow but how they're approached. The comments about appearance, movement, etc., often turn a serious topic into yet another stereotype. It's a sad thing to see time and time again on this channel. The irony is, on the surface, you three seem to be wanting to break down these stereotypes...and yet, you reinforce almost every one of them by the end of the episode. :(
I never see myself as a gay man anymore. I'm a man who happens to be gay. Took me 50 years to get to that 🙌⭐️
That’s a powerful perspective. It's inspiring to hear about your journey of self-discovery. Finding that authentic sense of self takes time and courage. Your honesty is commendable.👏👏
Ahh this conversation was amazing and hits close to home. The idea of gaydar is anxiety inducing for me. I remember I’d be so distant to my sisters friends because I didn’t want them to catch any vibe and was so scared of leaving the room and her friends asking my sister if I was gay or not. Currently I don’t mind if people know I’m gay, but I don’t want that to be the first thing they think when they see me. I just don’t like the idea of being seen as different I guess and it shows me that there’s something different that sticks out about myself that I cannot control. I remember my friends mom called me a f slur (in Spanish) right after I just said hi and waved to her after meeting her on FaceTime for the first time. It’s just…I don’t know how to explain it. I just don’t want to be “othered” before anyone even gets to know me.
We're so sorry you've had to go through that. It's incredibly painful to feel like your identity is something people focus on before they even know you. The pressure to fit in, and the fear of being judged for who you are, is exhausting. It's completely valid to feel that way. You deserve to be seen as a whole person, not just a label. Know that you're not alone in feeling this way, and it's okay to take your time with things. Sending you lots of strength and support.❤
Gaydar is how we intuit and feel out fellowship amongst ourselves, picking up on non-verbal and/or verbal communication cues..... it's in our genes
Absolutely! It's fascinating how intuition and connection play such a big role. It seems like there's a certain innate understanding within the community. It’s almost like a sixth sense.😉
@@GayMenGoingDeeper it is instinctual
This is actually a really interesting topic, gaydar, so thanks for talking about it. But let's not say that it's a basic topic. Think about gays throughout history. I mean one reading of 'Stone Butch Blues' and you'll realize real quick why gaydar isn't basic. Understanding and developing gaydar is crucial for many LGBTQ+ individuals, especially kids and young people growing up in marginalized neighborhoods and cities. The world might be sunshine, lollipops and rainbows for a certain demographic, but let's not fool ourselves that acceptance is assured for all. You could even consider it a middle class privilege. If it's all you got to work with, it can help create a sense of belonging and community, even if that connection is knowing that at least there is someone else who feels similar to you. It also gives students an idea of who the supportive teachers and allies are in environments that may be hostile. This topic is far from basic-it's essential for fostering safety, support, and community cohesion. In fact, one could argue that an arts or literature survey course covering the historical context of gaydar could establish a subgenre of sorts. It's an area of study at least. I don't know if that's what queer theory technically is, but hey let's use it. Throughout history, examples of gaydar can be seen in the social gatherings of ancient Rome, the coded poetry of the Renaissance, the clandestine Molly Houses of 18th-century England, Walt Whitman's subtle references, the vibrant LGBTQ scene in Weimar Berlin and the hanky code of the 1970s. There's also the subtle signaling among the eromenos and erastes in ancient Greece, the coded language of "Polari" among British gay men in the mid-20th century. We got examples of gaydar in Asia as well. In Japan, the Edo period (1603-1868) saw the rise of "wakashudo" (the way of youths) and the "onnagata" (male actors playing female roles in Kabuki theater), where subtle signals and coded language were used within these communities to identify and communicate with other gay men. Hell, gaydar and nonverbal signalling is revolutionary quite frankly.
Fascinating insights! Gaydar is indeed a complex topic with deep historical roots. Your perspective highlights its significance for marginalized communities.🤩
There are some heterosexual men in these streets wearing shorter shorts than they used to. They finally learned the correct length of shorts, so don't presume it's a gay guy with the short shorts!
That's a funny observation! It's great to see more people embracing fashion choices that feel comfortable and confident. Whether it's a gay guy or a straight guy, who cares? Everyone deserves to feel good in what they're wearing.😉😍
I can tell people are gay by mannerisms, way they dress, how they look at me, etc. I have extremely great gaydar. I'm 100% gay and can sense others easily. Even lesbian women.
That's interesting. Everyone has their own unique way of perceiving the world. While you may be able to sense others' sexuality, it's important to remember that not everyone is comfortable sharing that information. It's always best to respect people's privacy and avoid making assumptions.😉
@@GayMenGoingDeeper Yeah that's true. I usually wait until they tell me though. I already know, but I try to protect them as well. I agree with ya.
@@HankMcCoy888 Perfect! Thank you so much!🌈💕
Omg what a great topic! My gaydar is so awful, I can never tell, unless it’s very obvious. It also happens to me that, when I’m attracted to a man, I want them to be gay and to be attracted to me. I’m usually also a bit authentically flamboyant, but if I know I will be in a space that might not be safe, I absolutely turn it down. In the end, the gaydar doesn’t make any difference, we just have to talk to this person if we want to know, I guess. Thanks again for a brilliant episode.
Haha, the struggles of gaydar! We feel you on that. It's like a superpower we all wish we had. And yeah, the whole internal conflict when you're attracted to someone who might be gay is a real thing. It's tough navigating those waters. But you're right, open communication is key. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!😍
gays developed that powerful intuition out of necessity
That's an interesting perspective. It makes sense that facing unique challenges could foster a heightened sense of intuition. It’s like developing a survival skill, we think.😉
Over the past two years at my current job, I have had to privately come out on 4 separate occasions. I work in mental health and it is common knowledge that I am divorced and I have shared custody of my 9 year old twin daughters with my ex. Naturally everyone assumes I was married to a woman and on at least 4 occasions the subject comes during our weekly staff meetings. It is a very public forum and I am not very free with personal information and so I am forced to go along with the narrative that I am straight. I then privately have a chat with my offending coworker explaining that I am gay and my daughters were born via surrogacy. I actually wish my coworkers would just not respect my privacy and start gossiping with each other but considering this seems to be a behavioral pattern after two years, I am guess my coworkers don't talk. I live in a very conservative state that is known more for its white supremacists than accepting culture and I have never been overtly or obviously gay. I think? I work in a medical hospital and in general it is a very accepting place for any LGBTQ+ individuals. Out of frustration of having to consistently out myself to correct my external narrative I bought and started wearing a rainbow beaded necklace and a HRC baseball cap on a daily basis. Other than showing my coworkers pics of just how gay I can actually be, I don't know how else I could be more obviously gay. I think they are getting it.
It's frustrating that you've had to come out multiple times at work. It's great to hear that your workplace is generally accepting, but it's unfair that you've had to deal with assumptions and gossip. Your decision to wear a rainbow necklace and HRC cap is a great way to show your support for the LGBTQ+ community and hopefully help people understand your identity. Keep doing what feels right for you.🏳🌈
@@GayMenGoingDeeper Thanks for your comment and support. I try and make light of the situation because I have no choice but it is frustrating. Boise Pride is next month and I volunteered to man the booth representing the hospital where I work. I made a point to let my coworkers know I volunteered. These are the invisible challenges straight people tend to not recognize. If it happens again I have identified I will say to the entire staff meeting "Didn't you know? I am a gay ally with extremely poor boundaries". I think that comment will slap my coworkers in to this century and be subtle enough that I don't get fired. Thanks again for your comment. I live in Boise, Idaho and the gay community is very active but small. I like your guys channel because I work in mental health and it is very refreshing to hear intelligent and personal conversations about very real concerns of gay men. Cheers.
@@waynenubile5 Thanks for sharing your experience. It's frustrating to deal with that kind of behavior, especially in the workplace. Your plan for the staff meeting is a clever way to address the issue without causing too much trouble. We're glad you're involved with Boise Pride. It's great to see the community supporting each other.😍
Michael, older men are dangerous, wow, I feel empowered now.......
Awww... That's great to hear!🥰
I think these steteotypes are changing with the younger generation
That's an interesting point! It's definitely encouraging to see how younger generations are more open-minded and challenging outdated stereotypes. It gives us hope for the future.😍
it is so true that younger straight guys (I'm thinking very early twenties) all wear really short shorts these days, like boxer short-length shorts... They also all wear earrings, have gorgeous skin and hair and love fluorescent pinks and purples, yet have their girlfriend dangling on their side.. it's pretty crazy lol
Yeah and some guys, especially the artistic ones, paint their nails black too. They’re still straight.
Fashion's evolving, that's for sure. Guess stereotypes are taking a backseat!🤩
ThankU Fellows, I have not listened in a while, you're still fresh & interesting as ever.
I'm way outa the box, not in a good way. Sexuality deeply disordered, disrupted. Violence was the family way. I'm bi, but that term expresses little. Early childhood was a NDE. I've written you before re identity confusion. As a joke once i said i was schizo-sexual.
When folks meet me, they assume I'm gay. I'm effeminate, i speak "gay voice". I live in NYC, my effeminacy is mild by local standards. As a dancer, i could dance masculine, without fem mannerisms. Matt proposed a hypothesis of a genetic basis. I would offer an alternate: the females in my family were so life crushingly violent I was imprinted, by age 1, shrinks call it "identification with the abuser". Can't be proved.
I had an epiphany when Matt mentioned "resonance": That's it!! Gay men do not resonate with me! I'm in AA, drinking is not part of socializing. But i see confusion in their faces, even if they're attracted, with a look that says "What are you?"
Another recent epiphany: I do love the female body. I'm aroused with women. I'm okay with the blood, the whole package. However, what i can't do with women is "lead". I believe it's a deal breaker. It may be a deal breaker with men.. I don't understand pairbonding with another guy. I'm guessing in a cooperative bond 2 guys take turns leading. I dunno.
The last year has been tough. I thought i had acceptance. You know how central that is, in program, in Buddhism, in Stoicism... It all blew up. I accepted the unacceptable. It's all over, the only way to re-find acceptance is be in denial. Can't do it. For now, for today.
Thanks for sharing your experience. It sounds like you're going through a lot right now. What you're describing is complex and deeply personal. It's brave of you to be so open about your struggles. Remember, there's no right or wrong way to feel, and it's okay to not have all the answers. We appreciate your honesty and vulnerability.🤗🥰
Yeah, I believe gaydar is a thing, but nowadays lots of young people play for the other team just out of curiosity and may or may not be gay or even care to identify that way.
Interesting point. It's definitely a complex issue with no easy answers.😉
Excellent podcast...very informative especially as an SGL man of dark skinned complexion 😆
We're glad you found the podcast informative! It's important to provide diverse perspectives, and we're happy to hear it resonated with you.❤
@GayMenGoingDeeper I do have alot of perspectives it's like topics that ate deep in emphasis in the SGL/BI/GAY men aren't really talked in person especially aka Friends n associations...
Reno Johnston is pretty sexy! His whole demeanour is so fresh and honest. Hope he's well and doing great.
Please comment on whether you find your gaydar doesn't work accurately when you travel outside your home base? As a U.S. resident, I have had gaydar issues in Europe, especially France and Italy.
That's an interesting observation. Cultural differences can definitely impact the accuracy of gaydar. It's possible that variations in social cues, fashion, and overall atmosphere can influence how we perceive others' sexual orientation. Have you noticed any specific cultural differences that might explain this?🤔
It's all in his face.
Gay men have a spark in their eyes and if he is checking out another gay man, it will definitely show on his face, even if he tries to hide it. Watch his eyes and lips. Also, as Matt mentioned, gay men have this invisible energy pull (feeling) towards each other. For me it feels like I'm open with gay men but closed with straight men and this feeling is not sexual in nature.
Not all gay men have that spark in their eyes. Some have a gay face though
Interesting points! Body language can be incredibly revealing. It's fascinating how subtle cues can sometimes speak volumes. The idea of an 'invisible energy pull' is intriguing too. It's clear that there's a unique dynamic between people, and it's always worth paying attention to those subtle signals. Thank you for sharing your perspective!🤩
Does the hot one know if he's on the spectrum? I may be projecting here but the salad of identities he claims are all very familiar to my own journey
It's important to remember that we can't make assumptions about someone's identity or diagnosis. If you're curious about someone's experiences, it's always best to ask them directly in a respectful and sensitive manner.
Perhaps you could start by sharing your own experiences and see if there's a connection. Open and honest communication can be a great way to build understanding and support.🙂
What if you’re gay but not a top/bottom/verse? I wonder if that is ever considered? Gay culture is interesting sometimes.
Like you’re saying gay and non-sexual?
@@IsraelLlerena No, being a side. Sides are so invisible in the gay community, but hopefully that’s changing, albeit slowly.
That's a really good point. Labels can be limiting, and it's important to remember that everyone's experience is different. Gay culture is diverse, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to sexuality or relationships. It's great to see people questioning these norms and challenging expectations.🙂
@@rpmnh if I’m being honest I thought verse and side were the same thing lmao
@@IsraelLlerenaThat’s what keeps life interesting - we keep learning as we go through it.
Praise it all!!
Thank you so much for watching!😍
I have Harvey Fierstein's voice, but mine is more gravelly. Is that a gay voice? I don't know straight men with this voice , only gays. Also, my college advisor told me I would never get a job, because i act too gay. He seemed pretty feminine to me also.
That's really interesting. Voices are so unique, and it's crazy how we associate certain qualities with specific groups. It's unfortunate that your college advisor made those kinds of assumptions. It's clear that stereotypes about people can be really harmful. Everyone deserves to feel confident in their own skin, regardless of how they sound.🥰
Y’all must live in very rural areas. I remember this guy in LA who had pink short shorts on while in line w his girlfriend at in and out burger. Here in Chicago, short shorts are popular among heterosexual men (and gay men) even in the suburbs! Lol I wouldn’t assume someone is gay bc they have short shorts on 😂
Haha, it's funny how fashion trends can vary so much from place to place. We guess it's all about personal style, right? You're totally right about not assuming someone's sexuality based on their clothes. It's all about getting to know someone for who they are.🥰
Yeah, it’s becoming very popular among straight men. Short shorts and manscaping. I’ve never seen a straight guy in a crop top! As its mentioned on the show. But I heard that crop tops among straight men were popular in sports during the 70’s or 80’s
@@freddie5411 It's interesting how fashion trends evolve, isn't it? Short shorts and manscaping are definitely more mainstream now than ever before. The crop top thing is intriguing. It's true that they were popular in certain sports back in the day, but it's wild to see how they're re-emerging in a different context. Fashion is definitely pushing boundaries!🤩
Your friend might be gay if He listens to Dixon Dallas' Play list. 😮😂😊
Well, if listening to Dixon Dallas makes someone gay, I'm afraid we all might be in the closet. Pass the rainbow flag!😁😉
When i was young and braved my first gay bars in nyc, I was told more than once by a bar patron that I was in a gay bar. Very masc presenting dude here, even tho my youtube handle is Millie lol
Wow, the ultimate compliment! Maybe you could start a side hustle as a gaydar expert. We'd definitely book a session.😉
I was told that too in a gay bar in nyc years ago too..😄
Be Well Matt and please Nurture Yourself this month !❤️🙂
Challenge accepted! Let's all make this a month of wellness.💪
I just ask
Hi there! What is it?🙂
Whaat?! Tops drink coronas??
Ummmm...it's pretty damn obvious with you guys.
Well, thanks for the confidence boost? 😂
😅😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
Thank you for your support always!
way to subjective what does it even mean to be gay
Gentlemen, could you please invite someone with a real job next time?
хы