Say No To Say Yes: Dr. Caryn Aviv at TEDxCrestmoorParkWomen
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- Опубликовано: 16 июн 2024
- In this TEDx Talk Dr. Caryn Aviv talks about the reasons why it's ok, and in fact better for us, to be able to say NO and how saying no can be saying Yes to what you need and want.
Over the past 15 years, Dr. Caryn Aviv has worked as a professor of Jewish Studies and sociology, and as a Jewish non-profit entrepreneur. She currently teaches at University of Colorado at Boulder and works as Associate Director of Judaism Your Way.
Caryn co-founded and was director of research with Jewish Mosaic from 2003-2008, and she co-founded and directed Storahtelling Colorado from 2008-2011. She earned a PhD in sociology from Loyola University Chicago, and has published widely for academic and popular audiences.
What nourishes her most is learning, teaching, and sharing her love of a multi-vocal, resilient, and vibrant Judaism.
In the spirit of ideas worth spreading, TEDx is a program of local, self-organized events that bring people together to share a TED-like experience. At a TEDx event, TEDTalks video and live speakers combine to spark deep discussion and connection in a small group. These local, self-organized events are branded TEDx, where x = independently organized TED event. The TED Conference provides general guidance for the TEDx program, but individual TEDx events are self-organized.* (*Subject to certain rules and regulations)
The power to say no to things I don’t want so that I can say yes to things I do want has been such a blessing.
she literally acknowledges that anybody can be susceptible to people pleasing
I struggled with this for the longest time. I was the YES chick. Now I'm a NO chick! Hard to believe. It took a stream of consciousness and shift in mindset for me to learn what I was doing. Always learning!
Me too
I'll watch this every day! I started saying No recently and it really does feel really good!!!!!
We live in 2021 and this is still what women need to hear. This is exactly what I need to hear. I have always been a very self aware and honest person but lately I've been compromising a lot for friendships to a point it just leaves me exhausted. Even after doing all that is possible and still not seeing the other person happy or yourself happy sucks.
But what is an even bigger dilemma is the fear of explosion once you start saying no after continuously adjusting. When you know in your heart that you don't mean your 'yes' and you know that there is absolutely nothing you will gain on saying 'yes', you stop saying yes. That's when you realize the freedom and happiness a "NO" can give you over the exhaustion and anxiety a "YES" brings.
It's so sad that till today especially us young girls and women always feel scared to stand up for themselves finally and saying a "NO" after a million yes'. I had guilt attached to saying a NO but I have realized that it shouldn't be the case!
Wow, the three A's is a revelation to me...and i''m 70 years old. Thank you!
She’s speaking to a room full if women and is addressing the fact that women are socialised to be helpful and unselfish. Surely the men who relate can take on the suggestions even if they are not being directly addressed, in the same way that women can identify with a male film protagonist. Not everything has to be directed specially to you. Women are allowed to talk to other women and put it on RUclips.
Kimberley Downing couldn’t have said it better⭐️
Best comment ever.
Sorta projecting here
From 2012 and still relevant to date.
I agree with you! This is the topic i am sticking to this topic myself this week during my lives on RUclips. It took me so long to get to the point where I am saying yes to myself instead of others.
And I would like to say that it is very important to say no not to care about the situation whatever it may be say no!!
She is addressing it to women but it doesn't mean that men don't face simular situations, it’s not what she meant! We all know that women are usually educated to always say YES. I love this talk, I see myself in so many of the things she said and by the end of the day we feel exhausted and disrespected for saying Yes but we need to acknowledge that we are the ones causing the pain because we have no obligation to say yes all the time.
Thank you! It's the third time I am listening to this... IN A ROW. :)
given the relatively few comments I wonder if saying no is what people want to hear. It IS hard to say no. Maybe because deep inside we fear the end of that relationship. The question then becomes which is more important- my relationship with this person or being honest with myself. Some people we do not mind "losing". Some we mind very much. So ..does this important person require a yes to love us? Then we might ask if that is ok with us or not. We fear being alone. Are we afraid if we learn to say no we will eventually be alone?
The issues surrounding "no" can be rather complex it would seem.
women NEED to hear it and women NEED to teach their daughters this!
yes
Your speech and presentation was amazing Ma'am
Thanks! Really good tips. You are right, I have the same problem afraid to say no. And I make my life unbearable.
Brilliant teaching! 👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
Thanks for bringing light to this topic! xo
Amen to all of this.
i listen to this so many times, it's so great, thank you so much for sharing this!!! haha:)
I always feel so guilty and resentful and say yes before even thinking twice... I feel the need to help it makes me feel needed and I fear rejection or retaliation for saying no
Such a prominent speaker :D Thank you very much!
I love this!
I like your speech pretty much, thank you:)
Thankyou!!🥰🥰🥰🥰
Great advice, thank you.
Thank you
thank you
I identify with what she says. Totally.
Great!
Good one!
Which is why I'm not the most liked. I have boundaries and if they don't like it, then oh well!
Boundaries give you the opportunity to have a fuller happier life. I think that is SO FREAKING important. I rather live life on my terms, instead of others!
i agree with other comments that the talk is too strongly focused on women due to her way of representing and phrasing the issue. but i don't think it's a major issue.
i think her statements are sometimes simplified too much and too plain. e.g. i don't agree with her "don't apologize for saying no", at all. i get the intention but I think rejecting somebody with a sincere "Sorry, I'm not interested in your offer." is simply polite. Maybe it should be rephrased to "don't rebuke yourself for saying no"
still i like that she presented her talk in a calm and casual manner - it really eased up the mood.
Excuse me but men do it as well....I’m a guy and I say yes for my own reasons I say yes to show that I’m strong prove that I can take on any challenge.
this is a human problem not a female problem. men struggle with this as well
Exactly what I was thinking whilst watching this. It's a shame the talk was limited to just focusing on women because it's definitely a problem for both sexes.
It was not limited to just women but you may fail to understand it deeply from a womens perspective. Woman are constantly deemed as helpers - whether by listening to a friends problem, showing hospitality, being expected to look after a home/family/parents, being approached by men and being expected to respond 'nicely'/listen to chat up lines/give out their numbers. it is deeply rooted in gender roles... I disagree in saying this talk was limited
iamTilewa well I dont think like you. Your the one who thinks that women are helpers.
Why make this into a gender issue?
I think this applies to all of us.
Well she said women are more seceptive
HexagonicDistortion
This is a gender issue because women are naturally more emotional IN GENERAL yessss this doesn't mean everyone but majority. This is due to biology and hormones along with sociological issues too I'm pretty sure. This isn't saying men and boys done go through it too because they do. But women are more prone to low self esteem and depression too its not an exact science. but you who are you to say it's NOT true either..
It looks like an all female seminar she was speaking at....
Agreed - it has been a lifelong struggle for me and is causing a lot of pain this very moment (hence why I sought out this incredibly helpful and inspiring video!)
I agree w the motivation behind what she says...but "say No" as a catchphrase is too vague to encompass all of reality. If we flip this to "Say Yes", then it offers another benefit which is to expand boundaries, take risks, experience new things, etc. Saying "yes" is what a kid does when he/she plays, it expands the mind to possibilities outside of what is normal. But let's not reduce this to a dichotomy, when in fact "maybe" might be a good answer at times.
There is a truth behind her words, but often people need each other and we cannot at every moment control every situation in life...sometimes it pays to be a passenger. Sometimes we don't actually know what is best for us. Sometimes unintended consequences occur from either a no or a yes. Her view could be reframed or reimagined to be "say yes", if "say yes" means to affirm how you feel...it places the importance on you rather than the external world. In this way I consider the word "yes" more valuable than "no", as yes is a positive affirmation of your will.
I probably should take notes instead of reading comments. Goodnight!
A hundred per cent right.
Be careful about to whom and how you say no,or you will learn a whole new meaning to commitment.
👍👍
I've been told "no" by plenty of women.
Okay but when someone said yes, was there ever a time that you could tell they didn't really mean it? Because that's what she's talking about.
and they have the freedom to
@@lei5172 Right on!
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I’m totally down with everything she said and it was really great, however, as a male people pleaser it’s fair to say gender has nothing to do with it. I understand her point when she references Disney, but it’s more than that. It has to do with people in your environment and the people you grew up with. Perhaps Disney and other factors played a role, but we weren’t watching or reading Disney every waking moment. Good presentation though
Well...the 10 commandments are based on our love for God and love for our fellow men. LOVE. Nothing is wrong with the word "commandments." God is LOVE and we should think of these commands as given in love...a guardrail to protect our hearts, and not as burdens. It's when we want to do our own thing in our own way, that it becomes a burden to us, because we end up believing we know more than GOD. 😊😊
I have female traits? I feel this way
ehhww x.x
epidemic among girls of "people pleasing"
"it undermines [their] own power"
I can't make it through this any further..
I Say no to you.
What does “speechifying” mean? Not a common expression in Australia.
Nor anywhere else. She didn't give it much context either. I think she was just trying to say "talking to yourself".
well, the only reason it got whole 1k views, is it's catchy name ... but wth??
teaching people how to be ignorant jerks, instead of being nice? believe me, majority are already there...
yes, you do mention lots of 'nice outcomes' of 'saying no', which are actually results of healthy levels of self-esteem and honesty, but not jerkiness!
and yeah, i agree on spreading disease of indirectivness, but being ever-rejecting kind is even worse
you don't say no to EVERYTHING, just to the things you really don't want to do! you are missing the point
Her: The 10 commandments . I don’t like it because nobody can tell me what to do.
Me: Not even God huh
😈
I'm sorry, but judaism didn't give people the 10 commandments - God did. Otherwise an " ok " talk. Basically " make your yes means yes, and no mean no." - which is what Jesus taught.
Great message until you made it a gender issue. I think this applies to guys as much as girls. We see media of the tough strong support the family guy, in an age where unemployment is at its highest and the gender roll is shifting to girls supporting just as much as guys. We say yes to overcompensate because we feel that we arent doing our family justice.
1k views for over 5 months - don't you think there is something wrong with it?
your 5th comment for all this time - don't you think there is something wrong?
i did actually watch it, with scientific interest, and it's complete utter bullshit, teaching how to be mean: saying 'no' just because you can, but not because you don't really want helping other. teaching people only depend on themselves, because none will help you if you aren't helping other as well - just because you can. shitty future
saying no isn't necessarily being mean. Sometimes you need to put yourself first. Being happy and true to yourself is the most important thing in life. Only after you have done this can you properly look after anyone else anyway.
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