I would say multiple disclosures in general are a huge barrier to rebuilding trust. Huge! Because every single time you find something else out about the affair, it feels like you are starting at ground zero. Your spouse immediately becomes unsafe again, and feels like a total stranger. You can’t believe word out of their mouth because they already told you they had told you everything.
Krista Ross it is devastating. This just happened to me. I am so confused. I feel like I have been suckerpunched and I dont know how to process this new series of disclosures. How can they be so selfish????
We r all in the same boat. We r 4 months down the road of recovery, after multiple disclosures, after finding out my wife had not stopped the affair, we are now going in the right direction. We are seeing some hope and are getting confidence that we will be fine some day.
I have asked my husband to be accountable for what he did, but he makes it about him instead of seeing the broken mess that he created. He wants to pretend that it didn't happen, and he refuses to communicate. I hate that he gets so defensive. It breaks my heart all over again
I understand totally Bobbie. I found out by snooping 4 months ago.......have not have total disclosure. He wants a mediator to be present......the same mediator working on me now......while he sees a drug and alcohol and grief counsellor.......So i wait, like a sitting duck. He also wants us(aka me) to "just put it behind us..........If only I could I want to more than him.......realistically, this will NEVER happen
Of there's no communication and keeps talking you, he isn't worth it. It also means he doesn't regret it. You are strong and can do this. It's not worth the hurt.
That tracks your phone but it doesnt track the person. He could leave his phone at the friend's house and then get picked up by the ap. The betrayed have to be more clever than the betrayer and that's exhausting
Exactly. This happened. By putting the GPS on another device. So I think hmm, he could leave the phone in the car and say he was in a work meeting but left work to go do x,y,z… then j started feeling like a detective and it’s exhausting and unfair. We have a lot of technology that could help someone rebuild trust, but mine took advantage of that and found a way around all of them.
My husband had an affair 14 years ago. Afterwards, he always told me where he was and what he was doing. He won my trust back. Took many years but he did it. Then when I completely trusted him and let my guard down, he had another affair 4 months ago. We're right back to square one. Starting all over again. We're getting counseling now and we'll see what happens. So heartbroken.
One might say he has a problem, but seems like initially he did some personal work, but my question is did you? Non of the betrayed ever take accountability, sure the unfaithful did the action but what disrespect what disrespectful tone did you use? What didn’t or did you want to do with him sexually? Any innovation in bed?
I would love to hear from Samantha because im the Betrayed husband , my heart has literally been ripped out of my chest the stomped on and kicked in the sewer ! Thanks
When someone says, you can't ever say you wouldn't cheat given the right circumstances, I always go to, would you cheat if you knew how it felt to be cheated on? If you cheat, it's a clear sign you no longer want to be with the person you are cheating on. You might still love them, but that's besides the point, IMO.
Omg this is so true. Sometimes you just have to walk away when they don’t get it or lack the capacity to put in the energy and effort. Thank you for this message ❤️
My fiancee has a porn addiction which he has hidden for nearly 4 years. It all came to ahead last week when he went and slept with a prostitute in order to get the same rush He had lied to me though and told me he was attacked at a local shop and was terrified he had caught a disease. I comforted him and supported him only to find text messages on his phone in regards to meeting the prostitute I feel betrayed and I have no idea if I am ever going to be able to forgive the lies and the act. I understand he has an addiction and needs to seek help for that but I dont know how I'm supposed to forgive and move on
Sexual addiction is a horrible thing. I am recovering from addiction . If you love him stick with him. Pray to God and make him stick to reading articles and writing in a journal. This is not a easy addiction to beat. I am suffering every day to keep clean. Godbless you stay strong
What does “accountability” mean (other than giving partner access to cell phone). The video vaguely referenced other forms of accountability without defining fully what it means.
After a friend of mine told me my husband tried to sexually video chat with her and later found out all of the women he had successfully engaged in, I had asked him to leave. He doesn't view it as cheating. He does see the pain his behavior has caused me. I wasn't going to give him a chance, however he convinced me otherwise. I felt he was genuinely sincere. However I have caught him twice deleting conversations he has had with other women. I told him if he has nothing to hide then why is he deleting his conversations. I feel like I just can't trust him any more. No matter what he says.
Overcoming Infidelity yes he means what I want to know also . What about Internet how do I know ? When u can erase or search incognito or privately without record?
it's very normal. it's concerning if they are not willing to do these acts of safety. it's a huge red flag. calling your betrayed spouse controlling is usually 1. a cop out 2. said out of shame for what they've done 3. an act of justifying or minimizing what they've done or why they've done it 4. representation that they are probably not safe at all right now in their recovery . thanks for posting and watching.
@@samshealingpodcast it is 3 I believe. He still doesn't understand that he has done something so wrong and hurtful to me. He has had a lot of emotional affairs which he believes is not "cheating"
He has cheated on me and it hurts terribly . He has made no initiative in helping me recover. he says he had no feelings for his affair partner , it was all lies . I don’t understand it though .He still has his phone locked and won’t give passcode .
Thank you! I am disgusted that you cheated and even more disgusted that you used it as a platform to get attention. And I also feel deeply grateful and appreciate you. Sadly, I am sure the duality of my feelings is something you have realized is part of how cheating will make your spouse feel towards you along with how other people will feel towards you too. I am being cheated on again by my fiance whose baby I am pregnant for after 1 marriage and 2 other engagements where I was also cheated on. Which should help you understand how I feel about cheaters and that disgust overflows even to you. Yet I am so proud of you. People will feel this duality toward you. But keep going. You are doing the very best thing you could do after such a horrible thing you did before. I stand by you, even with my dual feelings of disgust and support. I defend you. I stand by you. I'm proud of you. I feel hurt by you too. Cause I feel the pain of the betrayed. But listening to you, helps me develop a more level headed compassion for the cheater. I am so grateful for you. Keep going. Don't let people's disgust shut you down. You need those of us who are disgusted to also respect and back you. I want you and Samantha to make it. I back the work you are doing. It is so fraught with complex mixed emotions. And listening to you helps those of us who are betrayed to deal with all the emotions better. Just keep going. Keep doing this. It's such a blessing. Blessings and peace be you and Samanthas.
probably the most authentic hard hitting comment i've ever received my friend. thank you for posting and being a straight shooter. i value what you're saying and understand it completely. so proud of you and thankful for you sharing your heart and encouragement to me.
Continued connections with bad friends; people who are a bad influence; staying connected with bad friends who were involved with the infidelity. He doesn’t see the harm in it, or thinks that these people have no affect on him. One specific “friend” of 26 years, encouraged my husband to leave me for the AP. That person is also a functioning drug addict and supplied hard drugs for my husband and the AP. He facilitated contact between them. And after all this my husband doesn’t see the harm in continuing ties with these people even though she’s out of the picture and my husband hasn’t done drugs in several months. I mean I know he knows it’s wrong but he justifies it and deludes himself.
Unfortunately, that shows they are not willing to give 100% to save the marriage after their mistake. Idk the situation (how far it went), but if it was a full affair, then he has to leave that job or be honest enough to end the marriage if he doesn’t want it to succeed. Hoping for the best for you
I have the same feelings. My UF works as a contractor in IT. No matter where we have gone, he manages to find a willing female shoulder to bash me with. But he "loves me".. How can I believe him. ? He continues lascivious behavior. I am married to dr jeckle and mr whore. I never know which one I am dealing with. He can be the most loving, kind man, and the next turn he throws me under the bus.
My husband had an emotional affair for 4 years with a woman from his country. She was a scam in the end just using him for money etc. He went to meet her and she never showed up. We are together again but he refuses to let me see any of his social media and I know hes hiding things. I have no way of trusting him again and am always in turmoil
your videos are helping me cope with my Wife's multiple affairs that I recently discovered. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with but you are helping me process the situations Thank You
Im going thru the same thing friend, it was only an emotional affair but it doesn’t make it any easier , 13 yrs ago she was screwing my best friend since kindergarten so i lost a so called friend and a faithful wife ! So from here on out she will always be an unfaithful wife I literally throw up in my mouth every time I think of that so hang tough !!!!!!
surely once trust as gone it,s gone forever! there will always be doubt there! so as a consequence trust isn't there, you cant trust a little, it,s like saying you only lie a little , big or small it,s the same .
He wasnt fully honest. Had to find my self some answers to my questions. When eventually found them i was at zero point again. I asked him if the went out together and he told me no, and found recently that they had. So now i dont know how to trust him again at anything he states that happened.
How about when they half heartedly put some of these things in place....but are dishonest with the accountability partner? When I cannot talk to the accountability partner ?
it's frustrating for sure and not a good sign. if they can't be honest and vulnerable and accountable, it's usually incredibly hard to gain much ground at all.
What do you do about a spouse that will only tell half the truth? For example when he says “I only met her one time and we were only intimate that one time” and you know he’s only telling half the truth.
perhaps it's time for a polygraph with them? i would also ask them to do repair work with you on an expert level. it's not going to work to do short cuts or what not and use a duct tape approach. i would go all in and let them know they can do repair work you find and consider effective or consider life without you. you can't afford to tip toe around if they are not being honest and not going all in with repair work.
Thank you so much, Samuel. I am the unfaithful spouse but I want to say everything however I can't believe I did them now that I think about it and its so complicated and there's no way to get help and I don't think he can handle all those things. I can't say them because I truly don't want to lose him. I told him it's once, too, and i can see the pain I damage in him. How can I continue to tell him things. Am so confused as to how I got here and am so scared. I don't want to lose him. Mentally. He can't handle it, I know. Even I can't stand to think of what I have done. Help me, please. Please. Am in Nigeria.
My biggest issue is that she keeps lying about things.. like we're not together so I get it.. but we're trying to make it work.. I see her texting the guy.. I'm like ok we're broken up any ways.. then she tells she loves me and wants me to come home.. oh and she blocked him on social media and stopped talking to him a week ago.. I'm just like ok.. the continually lying about things is hard.. just be straight up.. I'm on my 5th lie caught already and I'm kinda over it now.. we've been broken up for 3 months and if it wasn't for the constant lies I would've been home by now instead of thinking of giving up..
After every lie caught it's like the timer for d day starting right over.. in the affair alone there were hundreds of lies.. she literally had a secret life for months.. so any more lies breaks my heart and soul and I tell myself i cant.. I dont even know what to do anymore.. either I'm getting played or the guy is.. I love her and she tells me she if i come back she'll break it off with him but she's been with him 5 6 months and the risk is to much.. my mind if f'd at this point..
We have a 2 year old.. she lives 40 miles away and I see them on the weekend.. everyday I wish I can just trust again and come back.. she's even said she's tired of every weekend we love each other.. then I guess I cause problems cause I catch her in a lie then I can't show her love anymore and I don't want anything to do with her anymore.. to her the lies are small so they don't mattter.. to her it's like it happened so just get over it.. but it's like an every weekend thing now... i get over it then i catch her in some stupid shit all over again.. ugh.. mentally it's hard for both of us.. she told me she can't take it anymore.. I can't either..
Dani Elle play them in the car when he can’t escape! I do it all the time when we commute together or when we are traveling. I just start playing it on my phone when we are in the car or when he’s sitting on the couch. I never tried to convince him I just started playing them for him. He sometimes rolls his eyes or grumbles when I start playing it but at the end of the video he always makes positive comments. It’s worth a try!?
I have difficulty handling the emotional onslaught when my wife gets a trigger. I know of no other reaction but to get mad myself which gets her even angrier at me. It's a vicious cycle I do.not know how yo get out of.
Skeets ER I don’t know how to stop doing this to my boyfriend. I don’t want to blow up at him, I genuinely don’t. The emotions take over out of nowhere and have no idea how to handle the pain- it’s fully in the drivers seat. Most of the time there isn’t even a concrete trigger.
Try thinking about the pain behind her anger and focus on what you can do to make her feel safe. Anger is a blanket feeling that covers pain. So look at your anger too. What pain ate you feeling when she gets so upset. My husband and I struggle with this very thing.
Barrier to rebuilding trust; he refused to stop anything then demand i just trust him & stop attempting to find out what he’d been doing. He actually said that everything was fine until i started wanting to know what he was doing behind my back!
Thank you, great video! Im the unfaithful, one of the reasons I believe I had an affair was due to feeling trapped or restricted in relationship and not communicating to my wife. We are back trying to make it work again but the restrictions are far greater than before and I dont blame my wife, I brought it on myself. I need to be free in our relationship, I had a controlling parent and was just quiet. When we split we were apart for 7 months and I felt a weight lifted. I cant talk to her about this - how dare I bring this up after what I did. Im struggling
I have a huge problem with rebuilding my trust with my boyfriend because of his lying and the fact that it has happened multiple times even after he has promised to be totally honest with me. How can I build back the trust when it has happened over and over again?
HI Piia.....I'm not exactly sure you can without him committing to getting help and committing also to the process of rebuilding trust. this takes 100% commitment on his end. this article will share more and give you some great insight into what it takes to rebuild trust: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust
My husband will put Internet filters up but then just find a way around them when his addict takes over. If anything it’s a fun challenge for the addict to try to find a way around it. Filters also tend to get in the way when he is working from home using legitimate work sites. 🤷🏻♀️ so I don’t even want filters because it’s just a fun puzzle for him when he’s struggling. I don’t police him for the same reason. He just gets sneaky. 😒
We are 10 weeks past D-Day when I found out about my husband's porn addiction(30+ years). We are just weeks away from our 39th anniversary. To say I'm broken is an understatement. At first he was willing to install porn blockers on our devices, but then became frustrated when he couldn't carry out regular banking, etc. They're now off and I am back to questioning EVERYTHING. I couldn't be more broken if I threw myself off a building.
This is very helpful in every way. I was wondering if you have all this material in Spanish. I’m going through this, but my spouses first language if spanish. We need help. Could you please tell me if I can find these kinds blogs in Spanish? Or the classes that you mentioned on your blogs all the time.
very sorry my friend. we don't have the material in spanish yet. we've had a few people want to help but haven't been able to solidify someone translating etc yet. i'm sorry.
What does truly being in recovery look like? My SA/SLA husband came home from treatment a little over a month ago. He committed to doing the things that I need to make me feel safe, however is not honoring his commitments. He says he is doing what he can and nothing is enough for me. I just don’t see the commitment. I don’t know what to do.
i believe it's being in a program and doing consistent work. it's about going all in, doing whatever it takes to heal and help your partner heal. i'm so sorry he's not doing a lot of what you need. have you considered another program or getting expert help at all through counseling or another follow up program?
My husband literally does all of these and we’re only 3 months after D day. He’s also constantly accusing me of cheating on him any time I bring up hid affair it’s a knock out drag out argument about him accusing me. I see it for what it is but how do I make him see he’s the one that cheated with my bestfriend, not me! How do you make him take responsibility, accountability, to just own it solely? I’m at my breaking point with this. I need help
typically you can't make him do those things....it will often times be an expert, objective third party which will cause him to see things differently. i would suggest one of our courses, or weekends, or an expert therapist close to you. he can't hear you and typically won't hear you objectively.
The largest barrier to rebuilding TRUST. I ask him a question about details of his affairs, the story (or answers) change. He's still being deceptive & any HEALING has come to a screaching halt!! He refuses to let me go, even for a separation. His behavior has become violent. He threatened suicide with a machete last weekend. When I tried to get it from him, he grabbed me by the throat. I said let me go or ill be you arrested & he slammed me against garage service door. I'm bruised & broken hearted. How do I escape this with any humility?
What if he lies about the fact that there are women in his workplace? He insisted there were none but thanks to The companies FB account I knew there were and soon later discovered one of them was part of the daily communications in the groupme app. His excuse since confrontation is he didn’t want to deal with my reaction. We are 2 yrs out. No recovery work on his part since he lied to his therapist multiple times & quit a year ago, while I continue to read, watch videos & work on my personal healing. I’ve stopped trying to initiate marriage recovery.
there's only so much you can do. fact is, you can't make someone want it and you can't save someone if they don't want to be saved or don't think they need to be saved. if he won't do any recovery work, then (graciously) you need to ask yourself, how long are you willing to live like this? or, ARE you willing to live like this? if not, then you'll need to consider taking action using these two articles: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change if you're not willing to draw boundaries and enforce them, and if there are no consequences to his behavior, why would he change or stop doing it? so i think you have to decide what you're willing to tolerate or not tolerate and then go from there.
Your videos have helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just wanted to say thank you and your team for putting in your time and knowledge in your videos. But I do have a somewhat unique situation in my marriage. I was caught cheating, and in the aftermath, found out that my wife was having an affair the year before. My question is, how can we recover from this when we both are hurt and filled with regret?
it's more than possible to heal. it will take expert help though and it will take a protocol that's specific to infidelity. is she open to getting help as well? I would look at our ems weekend here for you both: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
My problem with my husband is that ,for him its like it's me causing the fight cause I need some clarity of what he was doing where he was , the worse part is that , he doesn't need any help , he want to deal with it by his own way. What can I do in that situation ?.
i know it's frustrating for sure. i think that unless he's open to getting help from an expert third party, you'll need to focus on you and your own healing and boundaries. boundaries are absolutely key for you in this type of situation. would he do any work with you, even free work like our 7 day bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
Do you have anything advice for a marriage where both were unfaithful.. Mine was emotional I felt shunned and ignored. His was sexual & sexting and he said he did it got revenge and Spite. We need some help please.
yes, you'll need to use one of these resources: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend or the online version www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online the weekend intensive sees lots of couples who were both unfaithful and will be a safe place for you both. you can also do the bootcamp asap here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp i would do the bootcamp with whomever cheated first as the unfaithful spouse and do the exercises that way. then, when you finish, go through it again as the other spouse switching roles so that it's fair, balanced and both spouses can get the perspective you need thoroughly.
I appreciate this discussion, but this feels like out of one dysfunctional relationship into the next. I’m so glad it’s working for you, and I’m not a professional by any means on this topic. I’m only offering a lay perspective. Isnt there some onus on the faithful spouse to let go of the past at some point and believe that their partner is now being faithful? That insecurity can’t be permanent and be ok it seems. You will never again be equal partners in your relationship.
What would you recomend in this case: I am the unfaithful. My wife brought to my attention my search history when I was out of the state. When she wanted to talk about it I started getting frustrated and what she thought was defensive. To me was not defensive but anger towards myself for not holding enough weight to remember my search history when the infidelities came to light. My question is how would I ensure effective communication of my responses to her questions
i would get outside expert help to process through what you're feeling and find ways to be compassionate, empathetic and humble. empathy helps build a bridge and helps establish reconnection with the betrayed spouse. without empathy, there won't be much true reconnection and there won't be much willingness on the betrayed's side to get help.
What do you do when the affair partner wont let go becomes so rediculous even after a court apearence still trys to make him or i misserable with stupid texts like in going to get a job where you work yet uses fake numbers its been8 months
it's tough. i would change your numbers, boundary yourself, have a protective agreement in place, call the police if you feel threatened, and have iron clad openness and accountability with your spouse about it.
I tried every thing possible to gain back the trust of the girl I loved How much one tries u can't clap with one hand If the one you are trying to gain trust of doesn't put any value to your action and words it won't work
Six months since discovery and back and forth with affair spouse and other woman. 3 weeks since another (discovered) encounter. Yesterday a discovery of affair spouse sharing different perspective on situations. When communicating with mutual friends he shares a 100% commitment to helping me with my trigger reactions and remorse for the collateral damage. When talking with friends that am not connected with he shares how crazy I am and doesn’t want to deal with me not getting over it. I feel deceived all over again and I don’t understand why. It’s almost like two personalities, which is what was going on during the past 6 months. Can this person be trusted? Why Does he continue to deceive me when he claims he loves me and wants to work towards recovery?
to tough to know if he can be trusted my friend, as that's not a ton of info. i would communicate to him how hurtful his behavior is when he does that. maybe it's time to get help to walk through the process of him understanding how his actions hurt you and how a lack of empathy does not make you feel safe or like trusting him?
he wont reach out after i discovered his infidelity . he is happy because the woman has money . i am habing anxiety attacks. this is terrible stage of my moving on process.
i'm so sorry. i would find a support group for your own healing. community is key for you and your grieving and moving forward. here is a great resource: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope you may also consider attending a divorce care group as well.
Get well Samantha.... to the trust issue.... unless I can check every internet access he has .. I can't and they can do stuff in a privet browser now ... so how how can I ?
there are filters you can put on your home internet that a private browser will still not access as well as provide a history of what he's visiting on the internet. XXX church has some excellent resources, and if you're not a christian or come from faith, they still have some very high level internet protection. there are resources out there, though I know you'd much rather have them being open and honest with you.
What do you do if all trust has been broken?, there’s been cheating on both parties, but when one party is asked to be vulnerable and truthful about pornography problems and they deny it completely, saying they do not have a problem with it ,but all the signs in the marriage show that there is a problem and this person gaslights and reflects everything back onto the other person. Do you have any videos on people who gaslight? And what help is there available? How do you get through to somebody who gaslights? And is there any hope? Love your videos!
ruclips.net/video/lGyB_TsnmH4/видео.html ruclips.net/video/2MlL0KvzSbs/видео.html here is a piece on trust as well: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust hope those help you.
@@nicholelynnedwards5 understand it mate. I'm in the same situation. We had so much openness in sex and everything in our lives, but my wife still cheated on. I'm devasted, but as days are passing, the mind learns to heal and live with it. You both will be fine..
You're not alone Vin. We're out there, but many of us remain in the shadows because we're scared of sharing our emotions or are ashamed of what has happened.
Okay thats an old video so i dont know if i get an answer. My wife instantly moved out after detecting the infidelity. So its hard to work on it together with her. Any tips?
How about when too many people gets involved into the relationship and try to block the recovery process? How can the betrayed partner deal with this when everybody in her/his group of friends/family is judgemental about the idea of her/him getting back with the unfaithful partner? How does the unfaithful partner can deal with this when she/he feels like it is the world against her/him? Thank you for all the great content
you'll need safe expert care my friend. it's the only way as everyone says what they will do when infidelity happens, until it actually happens. you need safe, expert care from those who have been through it before.
I’m wondering the same thing. I’m drowning with no one to talk to, but I’m too ashamed for wanting to stay with him. I know that any of my friends or family would convince me not to or look at me like I’m pathetic for wanting to try to work it out.
Which online programs or bootcamps would you suggest for online counseling for infidelity? I need help finding clarity about myself. I need to give him the answers he needs and get myself the help I need.
diana, it will probably require an objective third party. are you seeing anyone for help/counseling? will he see someone? it typically will need to come from someone who is an objective expert as he will continue to be defensive with you and won't be able to hear you objectively. the waters are too muddy and there are too many justifications and voices he's hearing so he easily marginalizes you and your thoughts.
Sam i really need advice it's not been not even the year yet i found out my husband was cheating on me ,and i had to beg him for the truth over and over the affair for 10 months to make him come out clean and on top of that he just told me he was tired of saying he's sorry and i don't get it and if i don't move on and forgive him he's gonna leave me because he's done with me trying to save the relationship when he's very defensive at times and has his phone locked and refuses to share his password and gets mad and annoyed if i ask him questions about the affair and said he's not answering any questions anymore I'm really need advice
Hi Carmen, I'm so sorry to hear of the difficult place you have been thrown into. I would suggest taking the Affair Analyzer. It'll give you some suggestions based on your specific situation. I designed it myself and it has over 850 possible outcomes because everyone's situations are very different. Here is a link: www.affairrecovery.com/affair-analyzer-0 Also, a couple other articles that may help as well: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust-0 www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/after-infidelity-is-my-mate-safe www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/surviving-infidelity-discovery-part-1 To healing
carmen, it's tough. for him to say those things communicates far more suspicion than security. as long as he is in control of what recovery looks like it's concerning and dysfunctional. i'm sorry he's taking that route. maybe asking him to get help to eventually stop talking about it is an answer? specifically, would he do an ems weekend that's on the website: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend you may take the approach that says, i can't stop talking about it till i receive proper help, THEN i can work to no longer discuss it and bring it up, but until we can process it correctly, i can't just stuff it down? for him to manipulate you and say if you don't stop talking about it, i'm gone, it's very concerning my friend. it's emotionally abusive to some extent as well and i'm sorry he's doing that.
Hi Carmen...I can't give you any advise but I will just pray for you and your husband because this is exactly what I am going through right now. It's been 3 weeks since I found out that my wife had an affair, we have gone through the "question the details" but she has not truly answer "why" she had the affair. I wanted to know so that we can both move forward....but everytime I asked her or mention about the affair she would give me an ultimatum; "if you mention this again, I will leave you" sort of things....I feel your frustration and I am currently just praying and ask God to heal my pain everytime I have questions or uncontroll thoughts about her affair...again I am so sorry about your situation, I will pray for your situation...God Bless you.
@@dalkidut Blessings.. Randall i hope that you place all this emotional roller coaster in God's hand. I've been struggling with my husband as well. Married for 26yrs now. Been a rough road. I believe all of us that beed healing are trying our best to find peace within us and allow healing. I encourage you give love, understanding, security of your love towards your wife. As a woman, we need to feel wanted and loved by our husband's. This may not be much but i assure it will work.
yah that's a tough one. what type of accountability protocol have you implemented? pictures? checking in? calling frequently? anything along those lines?
he texts me during the day but that's nothing different than before. He has a good job with the city he calls it his dream job, but he can move to a different job within the city but he says no because then he would resent me for making him switch jobs and then he would be unhappy.
you'll need someone who is an expert third party who can communicate with him meg. the reality is he just can't and won't hear you objectively. he can excuse away what you say or minimize it as you're the betrayed and he'll use the hurt against you. when you're with someone who is an expert third party, who can speak objectively, it's a whole different story. i would suggest trying to get to an intensive or something along those lines. what do you think?
Yes we could, we have gone to counselors prior becz i wasnt happy & there were issues but we never stayed with it, when the infidelity happened ironically we were in counseling at the time, so not too sure how much sinks in with him. we went on a marital retreat but again didn't stay working with the program , 3 wks after the reyreat found out he spent the night with her 2 days before the retreat & told me he was going hiking, even sent me pics of "hiking" but I didn't get any of the hotel they stayed in lol.. I just feel like now the reconciliation honeymoon phase if you will is fading and the same issues are popping up along with the Inf. bomb. is it possible for an unfaithful and the partner in crime can work together and truly be over ? it's super hard to trust, especially when I found out he told her he loved her after 3 months
well, it's 'possible' to the degree that he is serious about his recovery, accountability and ministering security to his spouse. without a specific recovery protocol that's relative to what you're facing, i'm sorry to say no it's not really possible to do it right or well. the ems weekend will help him with a protocol but also genuine empathy remorse and a willingness to help you feel safe. he can't hear it from you. he won't hear it from you. he needs an expert third party that he can hear it from whose objective. this will explain why he can't and won't hear you: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-your-spouse-cant-and-wont-hear-you
I just started watching your videos and I really enjoyed watching the ones with your wife. But I was curious do you have the first video or can you point me to the first video of what your situation was? Because there are times when I watch your videos I wonder what was it as bad as my situation? I'm very thankful that God has restored your marriage and you all have renewed sense of trust within your marriage and now can be a lighthouse
thanks for sharing and commenting. i'm not able to provide that my friend as things are a bit crazy and it's hard to keep up with the demand. i do hope and pray the videos encourage you and help you.
Sir..my wife and me are separated now but yet divorce or annulled in our marriage. When i found out about the her affair with one of our close friends who happens to be a lesbian. I was devastated i almost want to commit suicide. But i did not gave up on her, i tried to pursue her and still open my lines to her for 1 year. But she went away with that lesbian together. They broke.up and realize that theyre relationship just would not work. Her family was devastated about the affair that she have. That time when i tried to win her back she was not responsive to my attempts. I gave her warnings that time that if shes not gonna do or make a choice or come back to me, i will file an annullement on our marriage. So i did come to that decision because i feel hopeless about her. When i told her about my plan to file an annullment she wanted to talk if i can still change my plan or decision. But i said No to her. I told her it was final already because they a lot of chances that i gave to her to comeback to me and talk things out over. But now i havent file an annullemnt yet. Her situation right now is they are is still living together in one house. She told me that they stop already the affair they try to move on theyre life like before they had that affair. Can she still be trusted ? Please help me. I need some advice
well, she can't be 'trusted' as it's too early but she can continue to be open and honest with you and that will lead to intimacy and eventually retrusting her. but right now, I would ask her to get expert help with you. without that, there isn't a ton of hope. she wont be able to change on her own and she won't be able to simply 'flip the switch' and change ya know? ask her to do the free bootcamp with you here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp then see if she will do the ems weekend with you: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend if she won't get help, I would run away and stay away. if she will get help, i would give her a chance only through the bootcamp and ems weekend and then not make any decisions till AFTER the ems weekend and you've had time for her to get help and a bit of an intervention if you will.
As far as I know she didnt cheat. But I caught her in several blatant lies. She agreed to allow full access to her phone and probably anything else I want to see. But is that really going to rebuild trust? How long do I need to keep looking at her stuff. How ling do we do the phone searching??
i'm not sure my friend. every situation is different. here is a great article on how to reestablish trust that will help: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust while there hasn't been infidelity, but there has been dishonesty, it's vital you both are committed to rebuilding trust and intimacy. you can access a ton of stuff on the internet about trust and how to re establish it if she is angry at the mention of the word infidelity. we say it this way....honesty builds intimacy, and intimacy builds trust.
I would say multiple disclosures in general are a huge barrier to rebuilding trust. Huge! Because every single time you find something else out about the affair, it feels like you are starting at ground zero. Your spouse immediately becomes unsafe again, and feels like a total stranger. You can’t believe word out of their mouth because they already told you they had told you everything.
I am stuck because of multiple disclosures.
Krista Ross it is devastating. This just happened to me. I am so confused. I feel like I have been suckerpunched and I dont know how to process this new series of disclosures. How can they be so selfish????
We r all in the same boat. We r 4 months down the road of recovery, after multiple disclosures, after finding out my wife had not stopped the affair, we are now going in the right direction. We are seeing some hope and are getting confidence that we will be fine some day.
I’m there again
yes. And you never know how many more times this will happen so you can't move on as you wait for the next one.
I have asked my husband to be accountable for what he did, but he makes it about him instead of seeing the broken mess that he created. He wants to pretend that it didn't happen, and he refuses to communicate. I hate that he gets so defensive. It breaks my heart all over again
I understand totally Bobbie. I found out by snooping 4 months ago.......have not have total disclosure. He wants a mediator to be present......the same mediator working on me now......while he sees a drug and alcohol and grief counsellor.......So i wait, like a sitting duck. He also wants us(aka me) to "just put it behind us..........If only I could I want to more than him.......realistically, this will NEVER happen
Of there's no communication and keeps talking you, he isn't worth it. It also means he doesn't regret it. You are strong and can do this. It's not worth the hurt.
That tracks your phone but it doesnt track the person. He could leave his phone at the friend's house and then get picked up by the ap. The betrayed have to be more clever than the betrayer and that's exhausting
Exactly. This happened. By putting the GPS on another device. So I think hmm, he could leave the phone in the car and say he was in a work meeting but left work to go do x,y,z… then j started feeling like a detective and it’s exhausting and unfair. We have a lot of technology that could help someone rebuild trust, but mine took advantage of that and found a way around all of them.
My husband had an affair 14 years ago. Afterwards, he always told me where he was and what he was doing. He won my trust back. Took many years but he did it. Then when I completely trusted him and let my guard down, he had another affair 4 months ago. We're right back to square one. Starting all over again. We're getting counseling now and we'll see what happens. So heartbroken.
I would love to know why would you go through it again if he shows you that he will keep on doing it?
I couldn’t do this twice. We are only 8 weeks from D-Day and I hurt so bad I will never go through it again if we make it through this one.
One might say he has a problem, but seems like initially he did some personal work, but my question is did you? Non of the betrayed ever take accountability, sure the unfaithful did the action but what disrespect what disrespectful tone did you use? What didn’t or did you want to do with him sexually? Any innovation in bed?
I would love to hear from Samantha because im the Betrayed husband , my heart has literally been ripped out of my chest the stomped on and kicked in the sewer ! Thanks
When someone says, you can't ever say you wouldn't cheat given the right circumstances, I always go to, would you cheat if you knew how it felt to be cheated on? If you cheat, it's a clear sign you no longer want to be with the person you are cheating on. You might still love them, but that's besides the point, IMO.
Omg this is so true. Sometimes you just have to walk away when they don’t get it or lack the capacity to put in the energy and effort. Thank you for this message ❤️
My fiancee has a porn addiction which he has hidden for nearly 4 years. It all came to ahead last week when he went and slept with a prostitute in order to get the same rush
He had lied to me though and told me he was attacked at a local shop and was terrified he had caught a disease. I comforted him and supported him only to find text messages on his phone in regards to meeting the prostitute
I feel betrayed and I have no idea if I am ever going to be able to forgive the lies and the act. I understand he has an addiction and needs to seek help for that but I dont know how I'm supposed to forgive and move on
Sexual addiction is a horrible thing. I am recovering from addiction . If you love him stick with him. Pray to God and make him stick to reading articles and writing in a journal. This is not a easy addiction to beat. I am suffering every day to keep clean. Godbless you stay strong
What does “accountability” mean (other than giving partner access to cell phone). The video vaguely referenced other forms of accountability without defining fully what it means.
After a friend of mine told me my husband tried to sexually video chat with her and later found out all of the women he had successfully engaged in, I had asked him to leave. He doesn't view it as cheating. He does see the pain his behavior has caused me. I wasn't going to give him a chance, however he convinced me otherwise. I felt he was genuinely sincere. However I have caught him twice deleting conversations he has had with other women. I told him if he has nothing to hide then why is he deleting his conversations. I feel like I just can't trust him any more. No matter what he says.
What about internet affairs and adultery websites done at work? Defensiveness about promised closed accounts but no proof of such?
i'm not sure what you're asking my friend. if you'd like to give me a bit more clarity on what you're asking, i'm happy to help.
I was a victim of one of those. MY husband got all caught up in some catfish girl's lies. It was a nightmare.
Overcoming Infidelity yes he means what I want to know also . What about Internet how do I know ? When u can erase or search incognito or privately without record?
THIS VIDEO SAYS IT ALL! thank you so much for sharing this.
I have asked for many of these things to happen and i am being called controlling
it's very normal. it's concerning if they are not willing to do these acts of safety. it's a huge red flag. calling your betrayed spouse controlling is usually 1. a cop out 2. said out of shame for what they've done 3. an act of justifying or minimizing what they've done or why they've done it 4. representation that they are probably not safe at all right now in their recovery . thanks for posting and watching.
@@samshealingpodcast it is 3 I believe. He still doesn't understand that he has done something so wrong and hurtful to me. He has had a lot of emotional affairs which he believes is not "cheating"
Mine won't admit it either. He kept justifying for years. It hurts.
He has cheated on me and it hurts terribly . He has made no initiative in helping me recover. he says he had no feelings for his affair partner , it was all lies . I don’t understand it though .He still has his phone locked and won’t give passcode .
It’s more devastating when they do that
Thank you! I am disgusted that you cheated and even more disgusted that you used it as a platform to get attention. And I also feel deeply grateful and appreciate you. Sadly, I am sure the duality of my feelings is something you have realized is part of how cheating will make your spouse feel towards you along with how other people will feel towards you too. I am being cheated on again by my fiance whose baby I am pregnant for after 1 marriage and 2 other engagements where I was also cheated on. Which should help you understand how I feel about cheaters and that disgust overflows even to you. Yet I am so proud of you. People will feel this duality toward you. But keep going. You are doing the very best thing you could do after such a horrible thing you did before. I stand by you, even with my dual feelings of disgust and support. I defend you. I stand by you. I'm proud of you. I feel hurt by you too. Cause I feel the pain of the betrayed. But listening to you, helps me develop a more level headed compassion for the cheater. I am so grateful for you. Keep going. Don't let people's disgust shut you down. You need those of us who are disgusted to also respect and back you. I want you and Samantha to make it. I back the work you are doing. It is so fraught with complex mixed emotions. And listening to you helps those of us who are betrayed to deal with all the emotions better. Just keep going. Keep doing this. It's such a blessing. Blessings and peace be you and Samanthas.
probably the most authentic hard hitting comment i've ever received my friend. thank you for posting and being a straight shooter. i value what you're saying and understand it completely. so proud of you and thankful for you sharing your heart and encouragement to me.
Continued connections with bad friends; people who are a bad influence; staying connected with bad friends who were involved with the infidelity. He doesn’t see the harm in it, or thinks that these people have no affect on him. One specific “friend” of 26 years, encouraged my husband to leave me for the AP. That person is also a functioning drug addict and supplied hard drugs for my husband and the AP. He facilitated contact between them. And after all this my husband doesn’t see the harm in continuing ties with these people even though she’s out of the picture and my husband hasn’t done drugs in several months. I mean I know he knows it’s wrong but he justifies it and deludes himself.
Samuel, do you have any idea how important these are?????? Thank you for the work you do.
How am I supposed to trust my husband when he remains "just friends" with his affair partner who is also his coworker?
I like to know the answer to this too because I’m in the same boat
Unfortunately, that shows they are not willing to give 100% to save the marriage after their mistake.
Idk the situation (how far it went), but if it was a full affair, then he has to leave that job or be honest enough to end the marriage if he doesn’t want it to succeed. Hoping for the best for you
That is NOT okay
I have the same feelings. My UF works as a contractor in IT. No matter where we have gone, he manages to find a willing female shoulder to bash me with. But he "loves me".. How can I believe him. ?
He continues lascivious behavior. I am married to dr jeckle and mr whore. I never know which one I am dealing with. He can be the most loving, kind man, and the next turn he throws me under the bus.
I think there's a video on the channel regarding this?
Please respond. I am really needing help regaining trust with my spouse and scared of losing him.
My husband had an emotional affair for 4 years with a woman from his country. She was a scam in the end just using him for money etc. He went to meet her and she never showed up. We are together again but he refuses to let me see any of his social media and I know hes hiding things. I have no way of trusting him again and am always in turmoil
Not everything is deleted. You just have to dig deeper.
your videos are helping me cope with my Wife's multiple affairs that I recently discovered. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with but you are helping me process the situations Thank You
Im going thru the same thing friend, it was only an emotional affair but it doesn’t make it any easier , 13 yrs ago she was screwing my best friend since kindergarten so i lost a so called friend and a faithful wife ! So from here on out she will always be an unfaithful wife I literally throw up in my mouth every time I think of that so hang tough !!!!!!
surely once trust as gone it,s gone forever! there will always be doubt there! so as a consequence trust isn't there, you cant trust a little, it,s like saying you only lie a little , big or small it,s the same .
He wasnt fully honest. Had to find my self some answers to my questions. When eventually found them i was at zero point again. I asked him if the went out together and he told me no, and found recently that they had. So now i dont know how to trust him again at anything he states that happened.
Hi Lulu. So any updates? Did you learn to trust him again or did you moved on?
How about when they half heartedly put some of these things in place....but are dishonest with the accountability partner? When I cannot talk to the accountability partner ?
it's frustrating for sure and not a good sign. if they can't be honest and vulnerable and accountable, it's usually incredibly hard to gain much ground at all.
What do you do about a spouse that will only tell half the truth? For example when he says “I only met her one time and we were only intimate that one time” and you know he’s only telling half the truth.
perhaps it's time for a polygraph with them? i would also ask them to do repair work with you on an expert level. it's not going to work to do short cuts or what not and use a duct tape approach. i would go all in and let them know they can do repair work you find and consider effective or consider life without you. you can't afford to tip toe around if they are not being honest and not going all in with repair work.
Thank you so much, Samuel. I am the unfaithful spouse but I want to say everything however I can't believe I did them now that I think about it and its so complicated and there's no way to get help and I don't think he can handle all those things. I can't say them because I truly don't want to lose him. I told him it's once, too, and i can see the pain I damage in him. How can I continue to tell him things. Am so confused as to how I got here and am so scared. I don't want to lose him. Mentally. He can't handle it, I know. Even I can't stand to think of what I have done. Help me, please. Please. Am in Nigeria.
The road to build trust is a painful one. How does the unfaithful get any type of support when there are no trained professionals around?
This is amazing thank you so much for making these
my pleasure. thanks for posting and sharing.
My biggest issue is that she keeps lying about things.. like we're not together so I get it.. but we're trying to make it work.. I see her texting the guy.. I'm like ok we're broken up any ways.. then she tells she loves me and wants me to come home.. oh and she blocked him on social media and stopped talking to him a week ago.. I'm just like ok.. the continually lying about things is hard.. just be straight up.. I'm on my 5th lie caught already and I'm kinda over it now.. we've been broken up for 3 months and if it wasn't for the constant lies I would've been home by now instead of thinking of giving up..
After every lie caught it's like the timer for d day starting right over.. in the affair alone there were hundreds of lies.. she literally had a secret life for months.. so any more lies breaks my heart and soul and I tell myself i cant.. I dont even know what to do anymore.. either I'm getting played or the guy is.. I love her and she tells me she if i come back she'll break it off with him but she's been with him 5 6 months and the risk is to much.. my mind if f'd at this point..
We have a 2 year old.. she lives 40 miles away and I see them on the weekend.. everyday I wish I can just trust again and come back.. she's even said she's tired of every weekend we love each other.. then I guess I cause problems cause I catch her in a lie then I can't show her love anymore and I don't want anything to do with her anymore.. to her the lies are small so they don't mattter.. to her it's like it happened so just get over it.. but it's like an every weekend thing now... i get over it then i catch her in some stupid shit all over again.. ugh.. mentally it's hard for both of us.. she told me she can't take it anymore.. I can't either..
My husband SO needs to watch this video, you are describing him. Us. But he refuses to watch them. How can I convince him he needs this help?
Dani Elle play them in the car when he can’t escape! I do it all the time when we commute together or when we are traveling. I just start playing it on my phone when we are in the car or when he’s sitting on the couch. I never tried to convince him I just started playing them for him. He sometimes rolls his eyes or grumbles when I start playing it but at the end of the video he always makes positive comments. It’s worth a try!?
I have difficulty handling the emotional onslaught when my wife gets a trigger. I know of no other reaction but to get mad myself which gets her even angrier at me. It's a vicious cycle I do.not know how yo get out of.
Skeets ER I don’t know how to stop doing this to my boyfriend. I don’t want to blow up at him, I genuinely don’t. The emotions take over out of nowhere and have no idea how to handle the pain- it’s fully in the drivers seat. Most of the time there isn’t even a concrete trigger.
Try thinking about the pain behind her anger and focus on what you can do to make her feel safe. Anger is a blanket feeling that covers pain. So look at your anger too. What pain ate you feeling when she gets so upset. My husband and I struggle with this very thing.
Thank you so much for your channel and website. Me and my spouse is going trough this and you are really helping us so so much.
honored to be able to help you heal. thanks for watching and such great feedback.
Barrier to rebuilding trust; he refused to stop anything then demand i just trust him & stop attempting to find out what he’d been doing. He actually said that everything was fine until i started wanting to know what he was doing behind my back!
Thank you, great video!
Im the unfaithful, one of the reasons I believe I had an affair was due to feeling trapped or restricted in relationship and not communicating to my wife.
We are back trying to make it work again but the restrictions are far greater than before and I dont blame my wife, I brought it on myself.
I need to be free in our relationship, I had a controlling parent and was just quiet. When we split we were apart for 7 months and I felt a weight lifted.
I cant talk to her about this - how dare I bring this up after what I did. Im struggling
I have a huge problem with rebuilding my trust with my boyfriend because of his lying and the fact that it has happened multiple times even after he has promised to be totally honest with me. How can I build back the trust when it has happened over and over again?
HI Piia.....I'm not exactly sure you can without him committing to getting help and committing also to the process of rebuilding trust. this takes 100% commitment on his end. this article will share more and give you some great insight into what it takes to rebuild trust: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust
My husband will put Internet filters up but then just find a way around them when his addict takes over. If anything it’s a fun challenge for the addict to try to find a way around it. Filters also tend to get in the way when he is working from home using legitimate work sites. 🤷🏻♀️ so I don’t even want filters because it’s just a fun puzzle for him when he’s struggling. I don’t police him for the same reason. He just gets sneaky. 😒
We are 10 weeks past D-Day when I found out about my husband's porn addiction(30+ years). We are just weeks away from our 39th anniversary. To say I'm broken is an understatement. At first he was willing to install porn blockers on our devices, but then became frustrated when he couldn't carry out regular banking, etc. They're now off and I am back to questioning EVERYTHING. I couldn't be more broken if I threw myself off a building.
This is very helpful in every way. I was wondering if you have all this material in Spanish. I’m going through this, but my spouses first language if spanish. We need help. Could you please tell me if I can find these kinds blogs in Spanish? Or the classes that you mentioned on your blogs all the time.
very sorry my friend. we don't have the material in spanish yet. we've had a few people want to help but haven't been able to solidify someone translating etc yet. i'm sorry.
What does truly being in recovery look like?
My SA/SLA husband came home from treatment a little over a month ago. He committed to doing the things that I need to make me feel safe, however is not honoring his commitments. He says he is doing what he can and nothing is enough for me. I just don’t see the commitment. I don’t know what to do.
i believe it's being in a program and doing consistent work. it's about going all in, doing whatever it takes to heal and help your partner heal. i'm so sorry he's not doing a lot of what you need. have you considered another program or getting expert help at all through counseling or another follow up program?
My husband literally does all of these and we’re only 3 months after D day. He’s also constantly accusing me of cheating on him any time I bring up hid affair it’s a knock out drag out argument about him accusing me. I see it for what it is but how do I make him see he’s the one that cheated with my bestfriend, not me! How do you make him take responsibility, accountability, to just own it solely? I’m at my breaking point with this. I need help
typically you can't make him do those things....it will often times be an expert, objective third party which will cause him to see things differently. i would suggest one of our courses, or weekends, or an expert therapist close to you. he can't hear you and typically won't hear you objectively.
The largest barrier to rebuilding TRUST. I ask him a question about details of his affairs, the story (or answers) change. He's still being deceptive & any HEALING has come to a screaching halt!! He refuses to let me go, even for a separation.
His behavior has become violent. He threatened suicide with a machete last weekend. When I tried to get it from him, he grabbed me by the throat. I said let me go or ill be you arrested & he slammed me against garage service door.
I'm bruised & broken hearted.
How do I escape this with any humility?
I hope you are safe and found some answers from somewhere.
What if he lies about the fact that there are women in his workplace? He insisted there were none but thanks to The companies FB account I knew there were and soon later discovered one of them was part of the daily communications in the groupme app. His excuse since confrontation is he didn’t want to deal with my reaction. We are 2 yrs out. No recovery work on his part since he lied to his therapist multiple times & quit a year ago, while I continue to read, watch videos & work on my personal healing. I’ve stopped trying to initiate marriage recovery.
there's only so much you can do. fact is, you can't make someone want it and you can't save someone if they don't want to be saved or don't think they need to be saved. if he won't do any recovery work, then (graciously) you need to ask yourself, how long are you willing to live like this? or, ARE you willing to live like this? if not, then you'll need to consider taking action using these two articles: www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founders/how-get-mate-cooperate www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/they-get-say-no-life-going-change if you're not willing to draw boundaries and enforce them, and if there are no consequences to his behavior, why would he change or stop doing it? so i think you have to decide what you're willing to tolerate or not tolerate and then go from there.
Your videos have helped me see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just wanted to say thank you and your team for putting in your time and knowledge in your videos. But I do have a somewhat unique situation in my marriage. I was caught cheating, and in the aftermath, found out that my wife was having an affair the year before. My question is, how can we recover from this when we both are hurt and filled with regret?
it's more than possible to heal. it will take expert help though and it will take a protocol that's specific to infidelity. is she open to getting help as well? I would look at our ems weekend here for you both: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
My problem with my husband is that ,for him its like it's me causing the fight cause I need some clarity of what he was doing where he was , the worse part is that , he doesn't need any help , he want to deal with it by his own way. What can I do in that situation ?.
i know it's frustrating for sure. i think that unless he's open to getting help from an expert third party, you'll need to focus on you and your own healing and boundaries. boundaries are absolutely key for you in this type of situation. would he do any work with you, even free work like our 7 day bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
Thank you for this. I felt understood watching this video. Helps me a lot.
Do you have anything advice for a marriage where both were unfaithful.. Mine was emotional I felt shunned and ignored. His was sexual & sexting and he said he did it got revenge and
Spite. We need some help please.
yes, you'll need to use one of these resources: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend or the online version www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online the weekend intensive sees lots of couples who were both unfaithful and will be a safe place for you both. you can also do the bootcamp asap here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp i would do the bootcamp with whomever cheated first as the unfaithful spouse and do the exercises that way. then, when you finish, go through it again as the other spouse switching roles so that it's fair, balanced and both spouses can get the perspective you need thoroughly.
My husband needs an accountability partner..
Sending you my prayers Samantha. Hope you're feeling better, if not feel better soon!
thanks Erica. she's at about 90% as of today. thank you for praying.
What about building trust again with repeat offenders?
I appreciate this discussion, but this feels like out of one dysfunctional relationship into the next. I’m so glad it’s working for you, and I’m not a professional by any means on this topic. I’m only offering a lay perspective. Isnt there some onus on the faithful spouse to let go of the past at some point and believe that their partner is now being faithful? That insecurity can’t be permanent and be ok it seems. You will never again be equal partners in your relationship.
A little wordy and meandering at the start but got to the point and was helpful when got to the numbered points
The barrier of several disclosures
What would you recomend in this case: I am the unfaithful. My wife brought to my attention my search history when I was out of the state. When she wanted to talk about it I started getting frustrated and what she thought was defensive. To me was not defensive but anger towards myself for not holding enough weight to remember my search history when the infidelities came to light. My question is how would I ensure effective communication of my responses to her questions
i would get outside expert help to process through what you're feeling and find ways to be compassionate, empathetic and humble. empathy helps build a bridge and helps establish reconnection with the betrayed spouse. without empathy, there won't be much true reconnection and there won't be much willingness on the betrayed's side to get help.
I wish he could have watched all these videos. So much pain could have been avoided but he did everything wrong that is mentionned in this video.
What do you do when the affair partner wont let go becomes so rediculous even after a court apearence still trys to make him or i misserable with stupid texts like in going to get a job where you work yet uses fake numbers its been8 months
it's tough. i would change your numbers, boundary yourself, have a protective agreement in place, call the police if you feel threatened, and have iron clad openness and accountability with your spouse about it.
I tried every thing possible to gain back the trust of the girl I loved
How much one tries u can't clap with one hand
If the one you are trying to gain trust of doesn't put any value to your action and words it won't work
Six months since discovery and back and forth with affair spouse and other woman. 3 weeks since another (discovered) encounter. Yesterday a discovery of affair spouse sharing different perspective on situations. When communicating with mutual friends he shares a 100% commitment to helping me with my trigger reactions and remorse for the collateral damage. When talking with friends that am not connected with he shares how crazy I am and doesn’t want to deal with me not getting over it. I feel deceived all over again and I don’t understand why. It’s almost like two personalities, which is what was going on during the past 6 months. Can this person be trusted? Why Does he continue to deceive me when he claims he loves me and wants to work towards recovery?
to tough to know if he can be trusted my friend, as that's not a ton of info. i would communicate to him how hurtful his behavior is when he does that. maybe it's time to get help to walk through the process of him understanding how his actions hurt you and how a lack of empathy does not make you feel safe or like trusting him?
This all seems impossible
he wont reach out after i discovered his infidelity . he is happy because the woman has money . i am habing anxiety attacks. this is terrible stage of my moving on process.
i'm so sorry. i would find a support group for your own healing. community is key for you and your grieving and moving forward. here is a great resource: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope you may also consider attending a divorce care group as well.
Get well Samantha.... to the trust issue.... unless I can check every internet access he has .. I can't and they can do stuff in a privet browser now ... so how how can I ?
there are filters you can put on your home internet that a private browser will still not access as well as provide a history of what he's visiting on the internet. XXX church has some excellent resources, and if you're not a christian or come from faith, they still have some very high level internet protection. there are resources out there, though I know you'd much rather have them being open and honest with you.
What do you do if all trust has been broken?, there’s been cheating on both parties, but when one party is asked to be vulnerable and truthful about pornography problems and they deny it completely, saying they do not have a problem with it ,but all the signs in the marriage show that there is a problem and this person gaslights and reflects everything back onto the other person. Do you have any videos on people who gaslight? And what help is there available? How do you get through to somebody who gaslights? And is there any hope? Love your videos!
ruclips.net/video/lGyB_TsnmH4/видео.html ruclips.net/video/2MlL0KvzSbs/видео.html here is a piece on trust as well: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust hope those help you.
I swear to God I can’t find ONE video or website by any man in my shoes. It’s really starting to upset me.
I hear you brother. There isn't much out there dedicated to betrayed males. (Assuming that is what you are talking about)
@@nicholelynnedwards5 understand it mate. I'm in the same situation. We had so much openness in sex and everything in our lives, but my wife still cheated on. I'm devasted, but as days are passing, the mind learns to heal and live with it. You both will be fine..
You're not alone Vin. We're out there, but many of us remain in the shadows because we're scared of sharing our emotions or are ashamed of what has happened.
not sharing access in social media accounts which he previously used to communicate with the OW
Okay thats an old video so i dont know if i get an answer. My wife instantly moved out after detecting the infidelity. So its hard to work on it together with her. Any tips?
How about when too many people gets involved into the relationship and try to block the recovery process? How can the betrayed partner deal with this when everybody in her/his group of friends/family is judgemental about the idea of her/him getting back with the unfaithful partner? How does the unfaithful partner can deal with this when she/he feels like it is the world against her/him?
Thank you for all the great content
you'll need safe expert care my friend. it's the only way as everyone says what they will do when infidelity happens, until it actually happens. you need safe, expert care from those who have been through it before.
I’m wondering the same thing. I’m drowning with no one to talk to, but I’m too ashamed for wanting to stay with him. I know that any of my friends or family would convince me not to or look at me like I’m pathetic for wanting to try to work it out.
Which online programs or bootcamps would you suggest for online counseling for infidelity? I need help finding clarity about myself. I need to give him the answers he needs and get myself the help I need.
here are all of our online courses that I think you'll really enjoy: www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses
How do I get my husband to see his blindsides? His job is a major blindside. Yet he won't quit or get a new job. He doesn't see it.
diana, it will probably require an objective third party. are you seeing anyone for help/counseling? will he see someone? it typically will need to come from someone who is an objective expert as he will continue to be defensive with you and won't be able to hear you objectively. the waters are too muddy and there are too many justifications and voices he's hearing so he easily marginalizes you and your thoughts.
What if the affair happened at work? He still works there? How do I start trusting him?
THANK YOU!!
What are some good recovery programs?
www.affairrecovery.com/programs-and-courses/online-courses www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
Sam i really need advice it's not been not even the year yet i found out my husband was cheating on me ,and i had to beg him for the truth over and over the affair for 10 months to make him come out clean and on top of that he just told me he was tired of saying he's sorry and i don't get it and if i don't move on and forgive him he's gonna leave me because he's done with me trying to save the relationship when he's very defensive at times and has his phone locked and refuses to share his password and gets mad and annoyed if i ask him questions about the affair and said he's not answering any questions anymore I'm really need advice
Hi Carmen, I'm so sorry to hear of the difficult place you have been thrown into. I would suggest taking the Affair Analyzer. It'll give you some suggestions based on your specific situation. I designed it myself and it has over 850 possible outcomes because everyone's situations are very different. Here is a link: www.affairrecovery.com/affair-analyzer-0
Also, a couple other articles that may help as well:
www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust-0
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/after-infidelity-is-my-mate-safe
www.affairrecovery.com/newsletter/founder/surviving-infidelity-discovery-part-1
To healing
carmen, it's tough. for him to say those things communicates far more suspicion than security. as long as he is in control of what recovery looks like it's concerning and dysfunctional. i'm sorry he's taking that route. maybe asking him to get help to eventually stop talking about it is an answer? specifically, would he do an ems weekend that's on the website: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend you may take the approach that says, i can't stop talking about it till i receive proper help, THEN i can work to no longer discuss it and bring it up, but until we can process it correctly, i can't just stuff it down? for him to manipulate you and say if you don't stop talking about it, i'm gone, it's very concerning my friend. it's emotionally abusive to some extent as well and i'm sorry he's doing that.
Hi Carmen...I can't give you any advise but I will just pray for you and your husband because this is exactly what I am going through right now. It's been 3 weeks since I found out that my wife had an affair, we have gone through the "question the details" but she has not truly answer "why" she had the affair. I wanted to know so that we can both move forward....but everytime I asked her or mention about the affair she would give me an ultimatum; "if you mention this again, I will leave you" sort of things....I feel your frustration and I am currently just praying and ask God to heal my pain everytime I have questions or uncontroll thoughts about her affair...again I am so sorry about your situation, I will pray for your situation...God Bless you.
@@dalkidut
Blessings.. Randall i hope that you place all this emotional roller coaster in God's hand. I've been struggling with my husband as well. Married for 26yrs now. Been a rough road. I believe all of us that beed healing are trying our best to find peace within us and allow healing. I encourage you give love, understanding, security of your love towards your wife. As a woman, we need to feel wanted and loved by our husband's. This may not be much but i assure it will work.
Never involve meddling relatives who do not have the betrayed best interest in the marriage be involved in the problem. By Amelia
No response ? Ok
This is a very good video of all that you have shared with infidelity. Thank you!
How do I do the boot camp?
Hello Vanessa!
You can find our Free First Steps Bootcamp here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
Breaking promises
Sending good wishes !
Do you think online therapy is just as good as in office therapy?
some of it is yes. if they are qualified and experts, I do believe it can be just as helpful. it's all about the medium and who is doing it my friend.
get well Samantha!! barrier currently is my spouse still works with the women he cheated on me with and its holding me back from moving forward
yah that's a tough one. what type of accountability protocol have you implemented? pictures? checking in? calling frequently? anything along those lines?
he texts me during the day but that's nothing different than before. He has a good job with the city he calls it his dream job, but he can move to a different job within the city but he says no because then he would resent me for making him switch jobs and then he would be unhappy.
you'll need someone who is an expert third party who can communicate with him meg. the reality is he just can't and won't hear you objectively. he can excuse away what you say or minimize it as you're the betrayed and he'll use the hurt against you. when you're with someone who is an expert third party, who can speak objectively, it's a whole different story. i would suggest trying to get to an intensive or something along those lines. what do you think?
Yes we could, we have gone to counselors prior becz i wasnt happy & there were issues but we never stayed with it, when the infidelity happened ironically we were in counseling at the time, so not too sure how much sinks in with him. we went on a marital retreat but again didn't stay working with the program , 3 wks after the reyreat found out he spent the night with her 2 days before the retreat & told me he was going hiking, even sent me pics of "hiking" but I didn't get any of the hotel they stayed in lol.. I just feel like now the reconciliation honeymoon phase if you will is fading and the same issues are popping up along with the Inf. bomb. is it possible for an unfaithful and the partner in crime can work together and truly be over ? it's super hard to trust, especially when I found out he told her he loved her after 3 months
well, it's 'possible' to the degree that he is serious about his recovery, accountability and ministering security to his spouse. without a specific recovery protocol that's relative to what you're facing, i'm sorry to say no it's not really possible to do it right or well. the ems weekend will help him with a protocol but also genuine empathy remorse and a willingness to help you feel safe. he can't hear it from you. he won't hear it from you. he needs an expert third party that he can hear it from whose objective. this will explain why he can't and won't hear you: www.affairrecovery.com/survivors/samuel/why-your-spouse-cant-and-wont-hear-you
Your channel is very helpful. Recovery is hard. We are doing our best. Your videos are helping me a lot.
Great message!
I just started watching your videos and I really enjoyed watching the ones with your wife. But I was curious do you have the first video or can you point me to the first video of what your situation was? Because there are times when I watch your videos I wonder what was it as bad as my situation? I'm very thankful that God has restored your marriage and you all have renewed sense of trust within your marriage and now can be a lighthouse
thanks for sharing and commenting. i'm not able to provide that my friend as things are a bit crazy and it's hard to keep up with the demand. i do hope and pray the videos encourage you and help you.
Sir..my wife and me are separated now but yet divorce or annulled in our marriage. When i found out about the her affair with one of our close friends who happens to be a lesbian. I was devastated i almost want to commit suicide. But i did not gave up on her, i tried to pursue her and still open my lines to her for 1 year. But she went away with that lesbian together. They broke.up and realize that theyre relationship just would not work. Her family was devastated about the affair that she have. That time when i tried to win her back she was not responsive to my attempts. I gave her warnings that time that if shes not gonna do or make a choice or come back to me, i will file an annullement on our marriage. So i did come to that decision because i feel hopeless about her. When i told her about my plan to file an annullment she wanted to talk if i can still change my plan or decision. But i said No to her. I told her it was final already because they a lot of chances that i gave to her to comeback to me and talk things out over. But now i havent file an annullemnt yet. Her situation right now is they are is still living together in one house. She told me that they stop already the affair they try to move on theyre life like before they had that affair. Can she still be trusted ? Please help me. I need some advice
well, she can't be 'trusted' as it's too early but she can continue to be open and honest with you and that will lead to intimacy and eventually retrusting her. but right now, I would ask her to get expert help with you. without that, there isn't a ton of hope. she wont be able to change on her own and she won't be able to simply 'flip the switch' and change ya know? ask her to do the free bootcamp with you here: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp then see if she will do the ems weekend with you: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend if she won't get help, I would run away and stay away. if she will get help, i would give her a chance only through the bootcamp and ems weekend and then not make any decisions till AFTER the ems weekend and you've had time for her to get help and a bit of an intervention if you will.
As far as I know she didnt cheat. But I caught her in several blatant lies. She agreed to allow full access to her phone and probably anything else I want to see. But is that really going to rebuild trust? How long do I need to keep looking at her stuff. How ling do we do the phone searching??
i'm not sure my friend. every situation is different. here is a great article on how to reestablish trust that will help: www.affairrecovery.com/shocking-truth-about-trust while there hasn't been infidelity, but there has been dishonesty, it's vital you both are committed to rebuilding trust and intimacy. you can access a ton of stuff on the internet about trust and how to re establish it if she is angry at the mention of the word infidelity. we say it this way....honesty builds intimacy, and intimacy builds trust.
@@samshealingpodcast I am humbled that you replied. thank you so very much. i will take advantage of the shared link!!! take care.
Very practical and useful information! Thank you!