“I Don’t Even Know Who I am Anymore!” Help for Those in Affair Recovery Crisis
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- Опубликовано: 21 ноя 2024
- "I don't even know who I am anymore" is one of the most common statements shared in therapy sessions after a spouse endeavors to heal from infidelity. They feel like they’re losing themselves, or worse, have already lost themselves giving way to bouts of almost uncontrollable rage, anger and life changing trauma. The truth is, they just may be losing a version of themselves that needs to be grieved, buried and moved on from. Today Samuel shares a gritty yet compassionate discussion on how to find hope and healing again after infidelity, while discovering a new version of ourselves that just may be one of the biggest surprises of our lives.
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“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida
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Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
I can’t help but comment on understanding your feeling of wanting to “disappear”…mine was “not wanting to exist” not that I wanted to commit suicide (at all) but a feeling of just not wanting to “be here”. Just wanted to share my similar feeling and know you aren’t alone. God bless 🙏
it hurts like hell and it's a dull ache of wanting to disappear at times. i'm so glad you're here, you're strong, you're alive and you have hope. keep going my friend.
I just don't want to be who I was.
my gosh, so true. I had the hardest time explaining to my wife that I wasn’t suicidal, I just didn’t want to be alive. The pain I was going through was such a different pain than that of losing a loved one, it felt like I had lost everything imaginable all at once.
same
I didn't even recognize myself in a mirror for months
You are my lifesaver while in this dark ocean storm. I don’t know where I am or where I’ll be but because of you I have hope that someday I’ll know and I’ll be ok. I wish I could afford the classes because I’d go in a heartbeat. But I am just so grateful that you are here and I lean on these videos and your words for encouragement and support everyday. Please don’t ever stop. You are a lifeline to alot of us.
Thank you with all my heart. God bless you guys and all you do.
100
your encouragement means so much. thank you so much for that. i'm honored I could help in some small way and be a part of your story.
This is so me right now I feel like I am floating through my life...trying to rediscover the new me, this new ways I connect with others. So much letting go, so much surrender and now the future is a mystery. But I'm ready for new with unclenched fists. "I Will Not Cause Pain Without Allowing Something New to be Born, Says the Lord." -Isaiah 66:9
As a betrayed and a believer and the hundreds of videos I have watched of yours…THIS is the one that spoke to me the most! The struggle of not liking or understanding the me I’ve become has been so hard. Trying to see the good in it is hard…missing the old loving, empathetic, understanding, there for everyone else, affectionate and mostly NAIVE me is making this harder. I swept it all under the rug as I’ve done my whole life and finally broke me…turned me into a me I don’t want to be. I always thought I wanted to be a stronger stand up for yourself, less emotional person but know that I’ve become that I don’t like it at all. This video is the one I needed to hear the most! Thank you Sam and I will continue prayerfully to understand and like who I am through all this.
means so much Nicole. thank you for your encouragement and kindness and support. it means more than you know.
Nicole.. I am praying for you tonight to regain the real you. Signed, a kindred spirit
I’m in the same boat. I used to bend over backwards for my wife and was always the one willing to give the shirt off my back for whoever needed it, now I can tell i’ve become much more jaded and have far fewer craps to give.
You've done it again mate!! Never stop!!! You're saving Millions of Lives!!! ✊🤩💯
hahah. man can you follow me around and encourage me like that all the time? I wish it was millions. I'll settle for a few thousand. thank you for your kindness and encouragement.
I am one of the many betrayed that endured another trauma through his infidelity. With the help of true friends , a patient therapist and a few of family I rebuilt my life , mostly for the benefit of our son and my mom . We are all on a road of self discovery . I forgave him a long time ago . There’s no need to hold a grudge. I’ve very much enjoyed Sam’s lectures and his encouragement .
proud of you. that's great work right there. thank you for sharing.
I love you Samuel & I'm so grateful to you for putting yourself out there & being willing to share what you went through. Your perspective of the unfaithful is really helpful to those of us who have been betrayed. Your encouragement has picked me up off the floor many times & given me the will to keep going. I've been the betrayed my whole life... every single relationship I've had, starting with my father & it gets harder & harder every time & it's hard not to conclude that there must be something wrong with me. There's not a lot left of me to put back together & if I have to go through this ever again, I don't think i'll have anything left but I can't not try. So far, it seems like it might turn out different this time. Time will tell. I just wanted to thank you for all the times you have 'held my hand' through this & will many more times ahead, I'm sure. You're a rockstar, buddy! Thank you ❤️💫🫂
means so much my friend. thank you so much for the kindness and encouragement.
It makes sense why I give him the time of day. I’m holding onto the past, the familiarity even though I moved out, it’s been a year now, he’s trying to win me back. Most days I like the better version I’m becoming but it’s tough
Finally working through all that was taken from me. Not easy, very painful, especially since it's now a solo flight
Man got me in tears . I can’t let it define me but refine me . Man I’ve been down the dumps and that haas giving me some light
The betrayed here- Amazing videos Sam! You are wounderful! Thank you for the amazing work you do! Please keep it up & don't let the haters get to you. The world needs to hear your voice! 💜
you're so kind. thank you Jena. encourages me so much. yah the haters get deleted and omitted. thank you for taking time to encourage me.
All your videos have helped me understand the painful process this journey will take me on as well as my wayward husband. Many times when I’m doubting myself or the journey I go back to the videos that gave me hope. My husband is ambivalent at this moment and I am growing weary of the process. My faith helps me ~ I “give it to God” but being human I “take it back, and worry on it“ which really means I’m not faithful at all when I do that. I truly love my husband and can only imagine the pain he is in for him to act totally uncharacteristic of who he is…. I would never have this compassion for him if it were not for all the videos, explaining what he is or will be going through. Thank you and I pray that someday in time to come all of this pain will manifest into a stronger connection or a kind understanding of where we are both at and how we will continue the rest of our lives together or apart. Please pass on my true gratitude for everyone involved in the affair recovery program.
This was much needed today. The last year since discovery has been Hell and I think I am finally in the place I see my own need to heal and clean up my side of the street. I look and listen to something from you daily Sam. I thank you for your raw wisdom and honesty.
Sam, you are so helpful and inspirational on how to navigate and survive the unimaginable. I find most comforting part is that you are supportive to the repair versus the ending of a marriage. As an added bonus you are heavily faith based. You have helped me more than you will ever know. Keep up the fight for us all.
thank you so much for the kind words. it's encourages me to no end to read comments like that. i'm honored to help.
Betrayed, married to a sex addict for 40 years, treated like an object and lost myself. I had a promising life, career, education and all wasted due to commitment/marriage to a sex addict. Every day is like clawing myself out of a deep pit. Thank you for sharing the devastation that sexual sin can bring to both the betrayed and unfaithful.
Hello. I’m going through the same thing right now. Thank you for sharing about this. I caught my husband pretty early. I’m thankful that it wasn’t much later and was able to figure out and show him how destructive his behavior was not only to himself but to me. I felt like a sex object too. He cheated on me bad when I was pregnant and after I had the baby. I remember him acting like he was the one in pain after I had the baby because he had to wait to have sex with me. Like he had little sympathy about my healing after pushing his baby out of me. He could only think about he couldn’t get sex from me. It was disgusting. He’s in recovery and so ashamed of how he treated me. It’s difficult for me to have sympathy for him because he didn’t care how I felt when I was pregnant or my healing after I had baby. It put me through a lot mentally and it was the worst time when he should’ve been taking care of me. I hope you can find healing. How is your husband doing with his recovery? Does he realize the devastation of his actions and how much it hurt you?
Everyday since DDay i've watched a video....and slowly i've pulled my self from this this pit that I caused. Thanks to Sam, I found my starting path to work...and find me and though it will take time to understand this new me...I will be the better man for the one I hurt.
Thank you Sam for this video! I really need to remember this. I have been feeling like I don't know myself anymore after being betrayed and I am looking. But this was encouraging on so many levels. Thank you and God bless you in Jesus mighty name.
Hits home all too well. Ive been pretty d@mn suicidal, but my son has enough to sort through right now as it is. Can’t do it. It’s like you said in another video, I brought myself here; I did this to myself. Accepting life on its terms, controlling what I can and detaching from the outcomes of what I cannot. It’s been hard to let go and not give up, but I think I’m finally finding that path. I cry throughout everyday and it’s incredibly difficult seeing my family live through the consequences of my careless actions. Thanks for all the videos, Sam. I listen to several of them every day. Youve helped a lot with my healing and I appreciate it. Thanks for being real and having the courage to help both the betrayed and faithful partners. We both need healed, lest we pass our wounds to the next generations.
You are so cool. The way you explain everything is very inspiring and helpful. Thank you!
Sam when I found your videos something amazing happened to me. I realized that I had people who shared these feelings of pain and deep anxiety. You have made me feel like I am not going crazy having all these feelings. There are so many people that just want you to hurry up and move on. My husband had been having an affair since 2017 and fell in love with another woman and her family. I have been devastated beyond belief. I am finally getting to the point where i am dealing with this affair situation. I found out in June after he had a mental breakdown. He didn't know how to break it off with her. For him it was like he was living another life with another family. I am so hurt. He is beyond regretful and wants to make it up to me, but i have told him that I don't see that happening. We are trying to move on and making new memories together. So I think there may be hope for us. Thank you and to all the speakers of Affair Recovery to help us both heal.
I can so relate to the letter you just read. Thank you so much for sharing! You are great at it💔
Thanks for sharing that dark stuff man. Makes me feel less bad about it.
so glad it helped. the right community can encourage us and help us not feel so alone.
Psalm 34:18
New International Version
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
love that verse
Thank you Sam. Betrayed here but I listen to you. You have helped me in countless ways and can speak when I can’t. God Bless you!
Let this define or refine you, love this! Butcher or healer, YES! Deal with internal toxicity, oof! Thanks so much!
pleasure. honored.
Hey Sam - what a great video. Your thoughts on how infidelity and the associated trauma can refine you instead of defining, you really hit home.
Also, I thought your words regarding forgiveness were particularly impactful. Forgiving ourselves for the pain we’ve caused, and the destruction we have brought into our families and into the lives of others, is not a simple task. I’m finding that it’s a journey which will take time and work but I know I’ll get there with the help of videos like this one.
My thanks.
thank you sir. means a ton to read and hear from you.
Thank you, Samuel. Just - thank you.
Great video, Samuel. Always appreciate your honesty and authenticity. A lot of times just knowing other people have been in your shoes before is super helpful. God bless.
thank you very much.
As an unfaithful, I'm struggling with forgiveness 😪 I can't seem to find my way back! All I do is continue to mess things up. (Not cheating) I'm failing. :(
Did you find a way to forgive yourself and stop feeling like a failure? My unfaithful is acting a similar way and I want to help them find a way out
Welp me and my husband are screwed there literally 1 therapist in our area that take our insurance
What on line support group do you recommend for the betrayed?
please we have no money for therapy. Ive read and watch various content on your website and RUclips, but im still left confused. What should a day to day structure look like? what needs to be addressed/discussed and how often should discussion happen? where do we start please I beg you.
If you haven't already, please consider taking our free First Steps Bootcamp: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp
It will give you the tools you need to develop a realistic recovery timeline, ambivalence & pain management, advice for disclosure/discovery, and how to protect your children (if applicable).
We also offer scholarships for ALL of our online course. You can apply here: www.affairrecovery.com/scholarship-application-request
What does EMS stand for?
EMS stands for "Emergency Marital Seminar". It's a course designed to walk you through the critical steps required to address the infidelity and reconnect as a couple. We offer an in-person and online version of this course linked below.
EMS Online: www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-online
EMS Weekend (In-Person): www.affairrecovery.com/product/ems-weekend
help plz
🥲 A vulnerable man is a beautiful experience. Thhankyou Sam 💚
thank YOU. honored to help.
Thank you for your honest experiences, your wisdom gives all others hope of reaching the light at the end of the tunnel…. 🙏🏽💜 gratitude