What Is ‘Narcissistic Supply’ in Affair Recovery? “Make Me Feel Ok Even Though I Cheated”
HTML-код
- Опубликовано: 3 окт 2024
- For decades betrayed partners have shared vehemently how they feel they are the ones having to console or care for their unfaithful partners after the disclosure of an affair. It’s a thorn in the side of a generation of betrayed partners who feel like they are the true victims in this equation, yet they are paralyzed by an unfaithful partner who continues to make the situation more about them than the betrayed. Furthermore, any time the betrayed feels like they are not OK and show emotion, the unfaithful (in this particular situation) become distressed as well and oftentimes show their distress with defensiveness, anger, rage and deflection. Today Samuel pinpoints why unproductive and sometimes harmful reactions like this happen in the unfaithful and keys to help both parties resolve this toxic dilemma after the disclosure of affairs.
FREE Bootcamp for Surviving Infidelity: www.affairreco...
What kind of affair was it?
Take the FREE Affair Analyzer: www.affairreco...
FREE Expert Articles & Videos: www.affairreco...
Get a Recovery Library Membership: www.affairreco...
Access 3,000+ Q&A Videos, Articles and Mentor Stories
Get answers from 1,500+ Expert Q&A Videos
Talk with others in the private Recovery Library Forums
“The Recovery Library gave me 24/7 support because I could be up at 3am and search for the topic I was struggling with. It also helped as a couple because we could investigate topics together so it wasn’t subjective. I trusted this information because it was from professionals who also had lived through and recovered from infidelity. Double credibility in my book.”
- Amanda, Florida
HEAL with Affair Recovery:
Weekend Retreat: www.affairreco...
Online Courses: www.affairreco...
Hope Rising Conference: www.affairreco...
Recovery Library: www.affairreco...
Samuel is an infidelity survivor and is one of many contributors to Affair Recovery's Survivors’ Blog, www.affairreco.... He participated in Affair Recovery's courses developed by founder and infidelity expert Rick Reynolds, LCSW. After finding healing, hope, and new life, Samuel wishes to share his journey and what AffairRecovery.com has to offer with others so they too can find hope and healing.
Exactly. it's so demoralizing because it's like having someone break your leg and injure their own in the process. After it happens, they beg you to stay and convince you they'll never hurt you again, and they'll help you learn to walk again. Only for them to then say but only one of us can have crutches and it's me.
I get it. I'm sorry you're in such pain. I hope we can help in some significant way.
This resonates with me. I was betrayed by my wife and although she admits to her her infidelity I have no details. She is very secretive but promises me it’ll never happen again. When I have breakdowns and want to talk about what triggers me she gets mad and shuts down and won’t talk to me for days. I’m going a bit crazy. 😢
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊
@@outsider1253 I'm in the same situation. I understand what you're going through. It's been a year since you posted that comment. I hope it's gotten better for you.
"It can be more wounding than the affair."
100%. She's spot on.
Spot on!!! It's like I'm trying my best (and fastest) to sew up the arterial laceration you inflicted upon me so I don't hemorrhage to death; and I really don't have the capacity right now to tend to your little paper cut.
thank you so much.
Very very well said.
“You have already sliced and diced me, and now you are adding insult to injury.” Yes. And “infantile grandiosity” is exactly right.
I really appreciate this video. To bad it's to late for me and my husband. After my forgiveness of a minimum of 45 years of betrayal and 4 std's, I finally threw in the towel. The last affairs one prostitute tweaker of 20 years I wanted a divorce and no forgiveness! I was done! I told him. Then after a short bit of time during us packing to sell the house, him begging to let him try to fix the marriage, I stood my ground finally and he broke! He attacked me physically and tried to bludgeon me to death. He thought he'd killed me then shot himself to death. I survived (another whole story) he did not! I'm still suffering 7 months later with a mental leg plates a almost a dozen screws holding my leg together and my head wounds are just now starting to heal. I looked like a monster. The authorities call it attempted murder and domestic violence! To me I had wished I would not have survived to be not in this type of more pain. It's not just spiritual, but emotional, psychological, physical, mental, medical, non recoverable, disabilitys, financially, homelessness, jobless, fearfulness of everything, mistrustfullness, angriness, self doubt fullness, regretfullness, shamefullness, fearfulness,
Regretfullnes, and ect. I could go on and on about feeling, but I'm sure you get the point. Every single second of every single day is affected. I don't know who I am or why I'm here! I've tried to reach out to therapists everywhere in my area. Every one of them say, oh that's out of my field or say you need a special kind of phychicatrist for whatever harm he's caused you. Not my field of help! Or in other words to bad so sad for your losses all the way around now be gone! 😢 I don't think I will ever find help. There was no childhood trauma for either of us. There's nothing to blame his betrayals on he's just a born pervert I'm now made aware of. Malagnint Narcissistic behavior he was born with. His two brothers are the same only didn't kill or try to kill their wives.They divorced. I wish I had. I seriously don't believe anyone's really ever going to be NORMAL after betrayal. I say DIVORCE! I believe it you actually love your spouse you wouldn't have been betrayed by them. Divorce is the only way out. Someone else could possibly actually love you. Betrayal is NOT love. Its mental perversion in so many ways. It's Sickening! Why get married and bring children into this perversion. Just get a divorce and try for another experience with a normal relationship with real and non perverted love. Someone like you.
OMG and that is why I am tired and want to walk! After 4 yrs I started saying I am not your Mother I need a husband. He is such a baby that can't make a decision about anything. I want to feel safe and loved but I am feeding the baby that throws tantrums if I don't recognize the husband before the screw-up! Oh, and did I mention I cuss now for the first time in my life! Not proud of that either and he cries about that too!
HELP!!!
Living this now. Oh my God help
He needs expert help. Is he open to doing something like our weekend intensive? that way he will deal with professionals and experts that can literally save his masculinity and life.
@Samuel.Overcoming Infidelity We did. Rick told him he needed more help. If I can say anything do the work fighting it prolongs and kills any and all feelings that may be there after the bomb goes off.
“Shame is pride turned inside-out…”
This has happened 4 time’s in less than 3 months with me. It gets so hard at such day’s to keep surviving and fighting within your own self when a spouse who’s been living a life of lies and deceit, can’t see n feel what pain we are going thru due to actions that they have done. Triggers, reminders, flashbacks keep surfacing and haunting us. And on top of it, CS is not able to see us in this turmoil and slowly n gradually while trying to be with us shift to blame shifting and self shaming.
For a BS , this all gets so very troubling and shakes all their hardwork towards their own healing and recovery.
Thanks for sharing such an insightful video.
I'm so glad it was able to help you.
I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have someone speak the truth of what really happens. Thank you for sharing this. I wish my husband would watch this video so he could understand.
Ditto. 😔
Yes, yes, yes!
thank you for the kind words.
This video was so helpful. I have had a couple of sessions with Amanda and she is very insightful. It’s been almost 7 years since discovery and my spouse has gotten worse no matter how much work I did or how many therapists I found for us. My health has greatly been affected by this and recently I decided to move out of the house for 30 days and seek the Lord for direction for my life. He asked me does it have to be 30 days. I told him I have given him and this marriage nearly 7 years, I can give myself 30 days to care for my heart, health and emotional state. Thank you sharing this information.
If the cheater doesn’t get that narcissistic supply, I feel like that’s when the gaslighting goes into overdrive, more often than not.
I left the marital home as betrayed as my spouse wasn't able to break up with his AP2 and I didn't want to live in this situation anymore after more than 2 years. Even after I moved and the AP2 is still in his live, she practically replaced me, my spouse still contacts me to rant/vent about his parents or in general to ask how I am. I realize how much damage they caused to my spouse by abandoning him as a baby until he was 12 and how that influences him going from affair to affair. But my spouse is just angry, he doesn't see anything wrong with him, no work needs to be done on his part.
My question is: Do I continue to listen to him when he reaches out or is that enabling his Narcissistic supply?
You should go no contact. It seems like he is trying to keep you at arm's length, which isn't beneficial for your own healing.
Very well explained! It took me 1.5 years to put the boundaries in and I'm so grateful I did.
I am a mad hatter but this really hit me when we talk about my infidelity. thank you for talking about this it is so beneficial to hear what the betrayed is going through in this situation and how to continue to grow and overcome it.
Once again Affair Recovery has hit it out of the park. Thank you
love to hear that. thank you so much.
Spot on, it's like your spouse pushed you down a staircase and then kicked you when you reached the bottom, only then you realize you are your own closure.
Very good explanation, it took a few months for my husband see me falling apart without projecting his shame. Now that we are on a much better place we can talk about that time and it seems that with this video it explained our initial dynamics...
Wow! This is so deep and and true! I can't even believe how true this is! I'm going through this right now! It makes it so hard to stay in a positive mind frame as well.
i hope you're getting help for you? try this course if you're looking for support for your own healing: www.affairrecovery.com/product/harboring-hope
I'm in the same boat @Ashley but the more you work towards your healing the easier it gets
About narcissism- when the betrayer announces he will make no apologies because he is the aggrieved party because betrayed wife made him feel inadequate . Cheating husband gaslighted wife accusing her of being mentally I’ll ( she was depressed .) unfaithful files a bogus PFA that judge throws out . How serious is the narcisssism and does the betrayer’s narcissism driven because of the thrill from the mistress?
Waiting for each and every video from u brother...thank you so much and keep going
kind of you. thank you.
And it's "exhausting!" This " trauma" modelling is poor in my opinion. I know many, many people that have lived through horrendous trauna and HAVE NOT lived a life of secret and hurting overtly nor covertly intentionally. Tgere is no accoyntability in my opinion within this model. Deception is a choice....and done on purpose. People tgat have been traumatized di not hurt as they know how it feels.
What do you do when you thought you married a Christian man, and find out he has had his second affair with someone 30 years younger for 5 years. (Who was my friend and would call me mom) We were 49 years married September 2022. I also found out he has been watching pornography for longer than 49 year. We were very active in the worship at our church. I fell so betrayed.
either stay and somehow just come to terms with it and who he actually is (which I would find too hard), or (and in my minds eye preferably..) keep it moving and leave him and live your life, where you will hurt, process, heal and rebuild, and try to find joy and solace and try to make the most of the rest of your life. For me staying with someone after the betrayal was impossible because the unfaithful became the source of so much trauma. They become toxic and hazardous, hearing their voice, communicating and interacting, building the relationship, comes with risk and brought up endless unwanted feelings, memories, jealousy, anger, rage, anguish and intrusive thoughts.
Since the 'd-day', the reality of the betrayal is a constant presence and part of my life story so for now distance and no contact beyond practicalities is a must because there's no going back to trying to be what I thought we were supposed to be, nor am I interested in being with someone I'll never feel able to relax and feel safe around because there could never be trust. So for me it's more about managing the harm that has happened to me, and that is not easy to do in the presence of the person who caused that harm in the first place. I do understand that all people are different and people have they reasons for their decisions, and that what I felt was right for me in my experience may not be for you, so if you're deciding to stay and try to make it work, all power to you too, but from what he did, really how could you or why would you stay with him?
This is sad and breaks my heart…….I want to help him….am I hurting him more by trying?!
This reminds me when my husband told our therapist “she’s too broken”. That was the twist of the knife for me. Because essentially, he had place parameters into my suffering. I’m thankful he was able to build awareness and work on this damaging behaviour!
Is there more help on this? Or a place for more info on it? Im going to re-listen this and hope to get more info.
It's tough....this is not the most common concept talked about in affair recovery work which is why I wanted amanda to discuss it. You can find more at our site on how you can heal from infidelity: www.affairrecovery.com/surviving-infidelity/first-steps-bootcamp an expert therapist can help as well.
Classic.
Thank you for this information. I’ll be watching this one many times. You’ve explained some mysteries for me as the betrayed.
MOG completely describing the relationship struggle I am experiencing with my spouse
4 yrs out, no real cooperation to work on things but still together...with kids.
So, lately she (cheater wife) now comes home from work and tells me about it. I try to appear interested...but if I have input on something going on with her work it is dismissed. Her work stories generally involve her as the hero swooping in with the answer/solution.
What is this? Is it her trying to connect at some level? Is it just an outlet for her to look amazing (in her own mind)? I'm confused but trying to be patient because it's a new development.
Maybe she is self obsessed, my partner (unfaithful) does this. Vents at me about his work. I feel like I’m just there as an ear. He will complain/ switch off if I talk about my own life. Does this sound familiar, it’s not mutually fulfilling for me.
I forgave him, and he left me for dead by not doing his work because he was "flooded with shame." He has made this all about him. He tells me that "We've had the same discussion over and over" when it actually isn't the same discussion. It's been 8 years of this. I'm in pain and exhausted and have to deal with all of this alone in a farce of a relationship.
Thank you so much for explaining what I've been experiencing. This is by far the most painful feeling. Its like peeling the healed lesions of a full body burn. To finally feel seen and understood 🙏🏽
Awesome content, thank you
love to hear that feedback. thank you so much.
On point 🎯
Thank you! This is powerful and very helpful.
Once, again, you nailed it.
Bingo
Doesn't this relate to codependency/narcissist relationship?
Unfortunately my ex-spouse did not get help and a divorce eventually ensued. He is now back to being with.. I don't even want to imagine how many people he's deciding to be with now. He's not a believer and I am, so maybe it was for the best. I'm not sure. I know I didn't want the divorce, and I'll always love him.
I am glad you made this video because during the entire 5 years that I attempted to keep it together after his first round of infidelity, this explained his behavior. I also see that you made a comment to another poster that her spouse needs to save his masculinity (and sanity) and that the intensive weekend can help him. Do some men run and cheat because they're trying to form a sense of masculinity? He was raised by all women and this makes me ponder that perhaps I really tore him down to a level he couldn't cope with during those 5 years.
Also - do you know of any resources or good books for people that got a divorce when they really didn't want one? I really felt like he was the man God wanted me with. This is such a hard pill to swallow.
Thanks for what you did. You kept me sane in dark times.
Exactly what is happening with us exactly. Thank you for this video!
Man I've seen so many videos, Ive been through HH but this video is so huge for me.
This is my cheating husband 💯
How can Amanda be reached?