These 10 Self-help Myths Will Destroy Your Life
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- Опубликовано: 25 июн 2024
- Myths of the con artists of the self-help industry.
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MYTH You can learn from your mistakes
FACT You are very likely to repeat your behaviors throughout your lifespan (repetition compulsion).
MYTH Change is possible
FACT Meaningful transformation is nearly impossible after age 25.
MYTH Your partner’s past doesn’t matter, only her present behavior
FACT Your partner’s past is your future. Past behaviors and misconduct are sure predictors of future behaviors and misconduct.
MYTH Trauma is an objective experience
FACT Trauma is a subjective, endogenous (psychegenic) reaction. It has little to do with reality, which serves only as a trigger.
MYTH Love and time cure all
FACT In many - maybe most - cases, love and time result in losses, heartbreak, and hurt.
MYTH Sex empowers
FACT Only in the minority of cases and during limerence. Mostly, sex leads to regret, shame, anger, self-loathing, ennui, disgust, and dissonance. This is true even among men and even in committed relationships!
MYTH Having multiple choices empowers
FACT Choice creates anxiety, withdrawal, and avoidance. People hate choice. They want to be spoonfed out of a limited menu of options.
MYTH Parents and their children should be besties, friends
FACT Good parenting requires boundaries, hierarchy, and discipline - the exact opposite of friendship.
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Self Help Myths
1. "You can learn from your mistakes." We tend to repeat behaviors and are creatures of habit.
2. "Change is possible. It's never too late." Life is about loss and we rarely get 2nd chances. Character, temperament are set by age 25. Accept yourself and make a realistic strategy to modify behaviors.
3."Your Partners past doesn't matter." Someones past is critical. Misconduct in the past will reoccur.
4. "Trauma is objective and Not Subjective." It is completely subjective and little to do with reality. It is reactive. Memories alone can traumatize.
5. "Love and Time Cure all." We are hurt more, lose more and feel more pain with time instead of less.
6. "Sex empowers" - sex is usually unpleasant and unsatisfying and creates negative emotions afterwards. Bad sex is much more common than good sex.
7. "Choice empowers us." Overabundance of choice creates anxiety.
8."Parents and their children should be friends." Strong and firm Boundaries and discipline are critical.
I sometimes feel depressed after watching your lectures but I also know the truth hurts and you're not here to sugar coat things. So, thank you for your honest point of view.
Psychotherapy isn't about changing you, it's about you giving you insight which would help you to deal with your issues
I agree with the parenting myth. I felt something's off when my parents said you are my friend. I just wanted them to be my parents. Now many years, I have no contact with them. I have my own boundaries now and don't allow them to disrespect me.
Very interesting lecture. As someone who radically changed careers in his 30s and whose life is a million miles away from where it was 20 years ago, nevertheless I have discovered there are core aspects of myself that I have not been able to change, in spite of trying, and mistakes I still repeat.
Also, I appreciate the irony of RUclips playing adverts for self-help courses during this video! :-D
Just curious what kind of aspects and mistakes are that and why?
Made me think of this scripture. Something to ponder…
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life.
Good presentation. I agree that behavior does not change much. The main reason is because neuro energy takes the path of least resistance. Neuro energy expresses our behavior. The brain is a control freak organ that is indifferent to ideas. We are habituated in our behavior. It is not natural to change. Self awareness and rational fear can lead to better judgment to reduce pain.
The sales pitch of "I can do it and you can do it too" is particularly damaging.
Parenting changes as the child grows into an adult. The relationship between the parent and the adult son/daughter can become a type of friendship.
@@JohnSmith-qs5fg as a parent I was able to nurse for two years. I was extremely fortunate to experience that particular aspect of humanity. Also, during that time, people would comment on the parasitic nature of the relationship as they saw it. Always with the best intentions. Nonetheless, it got me thinking. Upon reflection- There was nothing parasitic about being a child. The opportunity to be a parent and to nurture directly was an invaluable experience.
You have shaken me to the core of my being Dr. Vaknin. Stay true, keep posting. I am forever indebted to you.
Super self aware. Individuals at work don't like that I keep to myself; basically I hate gossip. It bores me. Can't stand when people due to false assumptions lie and destroy reputations and careers that way. I don't seek attention and apparently this makes people at work uncomfortable; honestly can't stand cliques. One supervisor said he can't figure me out and suggested i stop being so thorough with my reports due to my job not being that important. There is nothing to figure out, I take pride in my work which is extremely serious to me. Plus it bares my name. I'm 49 year old woman that doesn't like attention; have always worked to support myself and my children. Just trying to make it to my retirement because I've earned my pension. So very tired of them trying to sabotage my work and using passive aggressive tactics to provoke me into arguments in order to fire me or push me into quitting. It's not my problem if someone I'm not even paying attention to or near is uncomfortable with my presence or feels I'm competition; it's their feelings it's their problem. I've even been approached by some of these people and been told out of the blue"Did you know you have a standing b!+(# face?" My answer then why are you looking at me. I shouldn't have to explain that I have problems with my vision and I change my expression to see my computer screens. So tired of being approached with bull#!+. I don't need to change for anyone, so totally at peace with who I am.
In a world awash in bad information, I come here for wisdom. Thank you)
Same
Thank you! As a coach I at last feel vindicated because so many issues have to be unwound after people being exposed to the latest best seller or 'insight' in the media. I often feel like the negative cynical traitor of my profession.
Me not being able to change and needing to accept how I am resonates with me. The man who abused me always pointed out everything that was supposedly wrong with me that I needed to change. This kinda stayed for a while before I started doing EFT with my therapist. But I also remember how when I was young, instead of trying to change my ADD or dyslexia, because it was how I was, I found tricks to manage and focus despite these difficulties so that I could be successful in school anyway. It's the mindset that it's not me who is the wrong way, it's I need to adapt and find the tricks that work for me as I am. I know it's the same thing with healing, but more challenging when falling into old patterns of thinking from the brainwashing.
This is so helpful!! (If I may say so.) There is so much talk about how narcissists cannot change. Knowing that none of us can change much makes that judgment on narcissist seem more realistic. It’s relieving in the way! Know what you’re dealing with - both with yourself and others - and just live your life to the best of its constraints.
Many thanks, Dr. Vaknin.
how come this is relieving? generally, people want to improve, get themselves out of mass, etc
@6:11 You're spot on. That's when the brain is fully developed and stops growing and trying to change behaviors and patterns after that is like trying to take a model airplane apart after the glue has set up and dried. Whoever told these so-called online "self help gurus" that anything is possible has obviously never tried to staple water to a tree lol.
😂😂😂
The choices is absolutely true and the stoics and other philosophers had been dealing with such idea since ancient times. A person is happier and feels better when there are less options, minimalism (not extreme) is based on the same ideas too.
I absolutely love your lectures! Thank you for being bold to speak your truth!
Starting off with Dante is an effective way to get me to stick around for the rest of the video.
You're doing us all a service by speaking on the destructive "theraputic culture" that seems to be growing by the day.
Therapy doesn’t work for the people that need it. Every woman I date talks about their therapist as a friend, and I realized I have attracted these types of women since I was 16, and my life suffers from it at 36.
😄
Heady stuff Sam. Everything you said is true, and I know it because I have lived it and it reflects genuinely my experiences. Perhaps this is the only way we truly learn. I love your word usage amigo!
If the therapist isnt challenging and is just a 25 dollar an hour friend, thata prolly worse then just suffering like the poor.
I loved this brilliant lecture from the very few seconds of its stunning introduction! Everything said here deeply resonates with me. Furthermore, the language is so beautiful! English isn't my first language and every time I learn some new words ("ineluctably", "due diligence"). This channel is a great source of education 🤩
I’ve broken the matrix. I am not an outlier. Will power is the key! Harness your freedom to Will yourself to succeed. God is real.
Thank you Professor Vaknin, I watch all your videos and appreciate your "real" approach, it's refreshing in a world of superficiality and BS.
I have an observation about the subject of self-styled experts who are unregulated, as you say.
I have some complicated, long-term health issues and I deal with doctors and health professionals a lot because of this.
Over the past 10 years or so, I have become increasingly frustrated at their inability to assist and help with matters due to fear of legal repercussions. For example, everyone now starts their sentence with a disclaimer such as "I can't offer any advice on that because I'm not a medical doctor, I'm an occupational therapist".
I recently saw a neurologist who gave me a prescription and when I contacted my local doctor,, they said they can't give the medication to me due to legal concerns (even though it's a licensed medication).
I know, you are not talking about medicine but, please bear with me, it has relevance! 😆
The excessive regulations and licensing issues in this area mean that the genuine specialists and highly experienced professionals are increasingly limited in the help that they can offer people. There is so much red-tape and bureaucracy surrounding them that they are unable to think outside of the box or offer help, other than in an extremely narrow way for fear of legal ramifications. They also have extensive time constraints due to increased population and reduced funding.
So help is getting more and more limited and narrowly-focused and because the true professionals are ever more restricted, I'm sure this is why people are probably turning to self-styled experts (who are indeed unregulated) - just to be seen and heard.
I personally don't use them but I can see why people do. So my observation is that, while they should be regulated and are certainly perpetuating myths and causing harm, regulations are also causing harm.
They are implemented with good intentions but eventually become so restrictive that professionals are now so fearful to offer advice in case they break a guideline or regulation, that they often fail to help at all.
I find myself constantly frustrated that the very people we need help from the most, are not allowed to think outside of the box or able to help people whose circumstances fall within "grey areas" of a field.
It seems to be a vicious circle - regulations causing so much harm (certainly to me in the field of medicine and I also know of people who have suffered due to similar issues within the mental health profession) and so it forces desperate people to look for help elsewhere. Inevitably probably ending up paying a weird Guru, or some other self-styled expert as they have been let-down by the true professionals (or rather the professionals who are forced to operate in such a restricted manner due to the system in which they operate).
How do we achieve a balance of regulation so that it protects people but, at the same time, not restricting professionals so much that they can't actively help patients/clients anymore so, in turn, end up seeking help from unregulated sources? Just food for thought having experienced these difficulties first-hand.
The majority of people knows that this myths don't work, they stick with it as a cope...
I’ve only listened to a handful or more of your videos and your take on love and time, the risks of pain and loss, and the “becoming” that emerges from this evolutionary process is, so far, one of the most powerful things stated, in my opinion.
This requires a lot of courage and clearity to debunk all the myths which we belief everyday right and left. Salute sir.
Thankyou Sam, love your honesty. Like a breath of fresh air, granting me valuable freedom, in how I view my life and the lives of others. Much appreciated wisdom. Keep up the good work, kind sir.
I have a better understanding of 12 step programs after I came across this channel.
It is good to know what you have a better chance of changing what you can. Put you energy there. You also said in one of your videos, I can’t remember which one, you said that a lot of abuse from relationships are not based in personality disorders and those traits can be changed.
I'm book marking this. Thank you so much Sam for sharing this, thank you so so much, this means a lot to all of us!
Life is pain .
This is gold. Thank you Prof.!
I remember 'fasionable' approach to parenting saying that loving parent should give the child a 'whole freedom of doing whatever it wants' and eliminate all kind of any stress including basic duties and consequences from child's life.
After many years the psychologist/author of the book (I do not remember the name) propagating this approach appologized for giving this badly wrong advice. Becouse this kind of 'experimental parenting' resulted with the whole generation of spoiled young people totally unprepared to adult life, with enormous sense of entitlement, unable to accept consequences of their actions/behavior as well as bondaries of other people, they were unable to stick to their own commitments and fulfill their basic duties and life roles.
As the result of that unpreparedness the level of stress they experienced in their adult life was extremely high, but... they never lerned how to deal with stress, so they tend to distance themselves from reality, disangage from the real life living in their 'safety cocoones' developing high sense of 'victimhood' and perciving the real life as to brutal to face it.
Failed parenting in all means. Even the bigest love can fail if combined with the false 'wisdom'.
Or the other way around too, parents treating some children with this kind of spoiling that you mentioned, while on the other hand treating some other children with parentification and over responsibilities since a young age.
As a result of that, these children deal with extreme stress in adulthood because the over responsibilities and stress had been piled up and there's not enough resources to deal with all of it by the time they reached adulthood. Without a childhood, and unable to form a healthy, functional adulthood.
And they also suffer the same self-isolation (feeling like a burden to others), but this type tries to develop a safety cocoon for themselves because they never had any.
These two types of children share identifical symptoms and behaviours as the consequence, but from a different upbringing and parenting. Both suffer stress, but one is due to unpreparedness, and the other is due to premature over-responsibility for adult duties aka burnout.
Want to note this down too because sometimes people share the same symptoms despite due to opposite reasons, it is just very sad.
I also have a lot of questions about these parents, some of them, in the name of giving children the "perfect" childhood, they dish them another form of child neglect, because they don't want to bother with real parental responsibilities - but at the same time, some of the good parents also lose faith in trying to guide their children because of all the points you mentioned... even when love and care is given, some children just can't handle life, or parental guidance - they see it as "annoying" and "controlling" because they are stuck-up... treating the parents like their slaves, and can even call the parents narcissists... Who wants to be a good parents in such case?
I think it is just a bless if there would be a parent child relationship where they could both respect each other with appreciation. Self-indulgence is just sick. But people are also forced to self-indulge because there's very rare connection when most others are also self-indulgent, deprived connection.
Anyways. Depressing phenomenon.
@@finphoenix4718 I fall into this category, thank you for writing this comment.
@@finphoenix4718 Very well said! I totally agree!
Ultimate intelligence. Thanks, prof. Sam
Shocking, depressing, unexpected but very profound and... therapeutic (accept yourself). Thank you!
Too many choices = decision paralysis
Another profound video. Thank you Prof Vaknin
This is strangely refreshing to hear 🧡
A wonderful breath of fresh air! Such a relief. Thank you.
I totally agree, Sam...come back to Brazil one day...you are truly a game changer
This has become my favorite channel. Great work Sam.
The one I crack up about is "age is just a number". Ha
Thank you so much for this!!
Thank you Sam! I wonder whether you can give us your view on the topic of neurolinguistics one day -- it would be extremely interesting to hear your scientific opinion on this subject! Thank you again!
The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. Also, if they will do it with you, they will do it to you. There is no reality, only perception.
Oh my goodness, the part about time and love... absolute poetry (13.34). I felt an urge to buy a plain ticket just to give you a kiss on the forehead for that. Thank you!!!
Bravo Sam! Indeed.
I agree, however I'm reminded that there are always exceptions, each of these is after all 'most people' & 'odds are' ... I honestly feel like I've beat the odds on most of these 'rules'. ... But I'm not a 'nornal' person, I am extremely fortunate in life& this video is really helping me realize the truth of what I'm up against. thanks again Professor.
Of course I expect everyone here to doubt me, but there are exceptions and you know this. It could be me. . .
People have to be discerning enough to take in advice and use what you can and leave the rest
Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.
Thankyou, I needed this
You are one incredible man!!! Thank you!
Genius-level content.
This was a good one Sam 👍
Thank you soooo much!!!
GRATITUDE for the reality ? check, the distortions are a bit much these daze.. Your thyme and knowledge truly appreciated. Please continue. A breath of fresh air.in the swamp
This was refreshing.
Professor Vaknin, thank you.
As always you express your Wisdom pretty succinctly, bluntly and sharply. Tashakar Tooshkar Thank you gentleman !!!!!
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥👽
Sam, how about awareness or mindfulness plus a true want to change and stop suffering?
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
Professor Vaknin, thank you for sharring your knowledge. Can you clarify part of this video for me please. Are you saying that childhood wounds from being raised by NPD parents cannot be healed? Should I not seek help from a professional therapist regarding these issues? Thank you.
Cool info ✌🏽
I could not love your videos more. Thank you.
Shocking! 🥶🤕🤯😵 I'm in 12 steps in 22 years! 😊 Is helping me.
Thank youu 🙏🏻😊
I dont know why its so comforting
Good video, thanks
Best video I have seen this year!
Thank you for opening my eyes….
Sex with a man i care for and allow myselff to be vulnerable over a comiitee long experience, was excellent. Easy sex - no committment - was soul destroying,
Thank you Prof. Sam , you always give us treasures like this video ,I swear we can read books and never obtain such great information and brilliant explanation,Thank you.
Self-Help & Actualization Movement = S.H.A.M 🤣
Brilliant
Then what is the point of psychology?
IMO, it is falsely labeled as science.
The brain is the most complicated and least understood organ in our bodies, yet “Psycologists/Psychiatrists” believe they are scientific doctors.
In my 62 years and 44 of them in some sort of counseling or another, every one of them has had a different answer/cure.
That’s not science.
Science is when the same treatment can be duplicated.
The entire mental health community is a well-hidden farce that this Professor has the courage to call it what it is.
Jobs! Sorry, just had to say 😆.
Not easy to hear or to accept. Sure has the ring of truth!
At last, someone telling the truth!!!
So the saying "once a cheater always a cheater" has truth to it? My ex husband when we were dating would say he hated cheaters and prided himself on his faithfulness, but 8 years later he cheated on me. I came to realise he was probably cheating throughout the relationship as I found his sexts to other women.
You do have to be careful of people who keep pointing at the spec in the eyes of others, they usually have a beam in theirs and they are projecting
It almost makes me depressed all over again or it makes me want to learn how to manipulate manipulators and start a holy war. I'm just saying if people want a valid reason not to like me I will gladly give them one 😊💪
Awesome lecture, speech less i am, hard reality of life presented in disciplined manner.
Fair to say at least from this perspective...all these myths become apparent to us with age... I believe we know they are unattainable somewhere in the psyche..but ageing/insight brings into stark reality. There's a book 'If you see Buddha in the Road Kill Him' read this years ago ..it resonated. Again Sam thankyou, you cement learning.
Wish i knew of in my younger years But still great inf./thx
Sam, what is your experience with EMDR?
Hope almost destroyed me😣 I got a tattoo of the Ethiopian symbol of hope. To remind me to stop that sh!t. I rub it daily and say *Hope Not*😒
I find the abundance of choice on Netflix leaves me not choosing anything at all.
Interesting thought.. About not being able to enact core change created from Trauma. I agree that it's very much locked energy. However Id suggest that a bigger different type of trauma can trump past trauma. Im guessing in this train of thought.. But perhaps Trauma is a gate into our brains that can create rigid behaviors.
Take for example somebody who's a normal man.. but undergoes deep military training. They use trauma as a training tool... And the objective is to override core fear behavior in a life and death situation in a way that's weaponized.
Extreme example.. but I think the answers a lot of times lay on the boundaries of a thing. Id like to suggest that the trauma and pain of living a mental illness might grow to be so great that this trumps the original defense the illness was originally created to deal with... And when the patient has a cognizant realization of this they may be in enough trauma that they're willing to under go actual change at a core level. The mechanism is there is my point. But under extremity.
I have no degree.. Im just a guy that writes software. This is all couch theory.
Go Vaknin, Slay!
Any expert psychologist on parenting?
REALITY CHECK ++++
Hope, opium, hopium.
So fucking based
Professor, when you speak of 'Love and Time' are you referring to their combination?
Or simply as often bundled but essentially seperate concepts?
For example, I'm currently trying to recover from the loss of a relationship (breakup) where I was let go (dumped). One of the main bits of advice I'm receiving from all over the place is that 'ultimately, the passage of time will heal my emotional wound with regards to this loss'.
Are you saying that this is a myth?
Thank you in advance for clarifying.
Time heals all wounds in some cases. But in time, love hurts.
@@samvaknin Thank you :)
Entropy
...omg ... you are so wise
you speak truth , thx
Left-hand🤹Right-hand
Look mum no hands🤸
X opium addict🔮 no more magic carpet rides🦄
Your intellect is only usurped by your striking features. Gratis
Hopium