How to tame your Advice Monster | Michael Bungay Stanier | TEDxUniversityofNevada
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- Опубликовано: 28 сен 2024
- You know your Advice Monster! Someone starts to talk … and it looms up out of the shadows wanting to “add value”. In this funny and provocative talk, Bungay Stanier explains how advice-giving goes bad; the three personas of your Advice Monster; and why the powerful act of staying curious a little longer is the secret to taming your Advice Monster. Michael Bungay Stanier’s most recent book is The Advice Trap, a follow-up to 2016's Coaching Habit which has become the best-selling on coaching of the century with more than ¾ million copies sold. He is the Founder of Box of Crayons, a learning and development company that helps organizations transform from advice-driven to curiosity-led. He is Australian, was a Rhodes Scholar, and lives in Toronto. He can be found at MBS.works. This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at www.ted.com/tedx
Most of the time people don’t want advice. They want someone to listen or bounce ideas off of. They don’t need another person to save them. They need to be reassured that they have the power to save themselves.
Oh! That is an awesome answer!
It’s really annoying for me to accept this but you’re right!
true, being heard is the first step towards being healed.
the art of listening - true
we are fixers by nature, not listeners
My friends and I have an understanding, when one of us comes to the other to talk something out we always ask first "Are you look for space to vent and support, or do you want my perspective?", this way we all know what the other is looking for in such times. I loved this talk.
Thanks, Kendall - I appreciate the note.
Thank you for the advice 😊
I always forget to do this. I love this!
200,000 years ago one Early human said to the other "I think we should move our shelter in that direction closer to the fruit trees we eat.. " the other said "that's a bad idea, the predators always walk in that area.. we should deal with the minor inconvenience of walking over there, or even find other fruit trees.."
That's the history of human conversation. One person says something, the other agrees, disagrees, says their experience, etc.
Who knows what game changing information you might hear.. grow a pair..
In academia you want to absorb as many perspectives and data as possible to form your own views. Other people may have good reasons..
Grow a pair.. being a real friend is about sometimes speaking hard truths sometimes..
i find as a mother that i am constantly trying to give advice to my children when really they just want to be heard. i really enjoyed this talk and got a lot out of it.
Mary, I'm glad to hear it struck a chord. You expressed a truth here perfectly
Oh! He WROTE the book "The Coaching Habit!" I was given that book about 8 months ago from a colleague when I was promoted to a Regional Manager and supervisor. It's incredible. I completely recommend it!
Oh you’re right, i didn't recognize that. That explain why he talk about the AWE question
thank you!
I have it behing me in my office and go through it before most of my talks. I wonder if anyone is sending ANYTHING these days so I can order the new book. What a lousy timing :(
An advice monster is definitely the ego, thinking we know everything, thinking we have all the answers. This talk is really spot on. And this guy is excellent, such electric energy and a fantastic way of speaking. I think a lot of people would get something from this. Gonna share!
Exactly write ... I think the three Advice Monster personas reflect three different elements of the ego. Appreciate you sharing!
agreed!
The ego has an amazing way of making everything about it!
Eye-opening for me as a coach. In the past, I wanted to 'save' people or 'fix' them. But it turns out that is not what they want or need. Asking meaningful questions will enrich all our relationships!
💯
I stopped giving advice a long time ago, when I realized people just wanted a place to vent.
Instead of giving advice I just listen and then ask “What do you really want to do about it?” They come up with their own “advice/answers”.......and it’s what they were going to do anyway.
Problem solved.
That's true
I'm gonna try this always now.
Thanks for the advice
he is just brilliant
@@jaydemarter5557 😂
We all think we know the best, don't we? We all work so differently, it's never 1 size fits all. It's amazing that we somehow manage to lead ourselves to believe that we know what is best for those who are close to us, when really we probably haven't a clue what is even best for our own selves. I really appreciated this guys take and his honesty. Good guy.
you know it
That's how you can become the best friend. Don't give advice, ask questions!
you got it.
or listen!
yes exactly.
Stay curious a little longer. Such simple, but effective advice from this talk. It's a habit I'm going to try adopting in my daily interactions. Thanks for the insight
Thank you and I'm glad you found it helpful
What a smart man. And the way in which he delivers all this with such humour and rawness.We are at a point in history where we so desperately need to know what it means to listen to each other.
hey - what a lovely note. I appreciate the kind words, and I'm glad the talk struck a chord.
@@mbs_works you have a great way about you, funny, but true too.
The 'Save It' Advice Monster really resonated with me. It's hard to keep myself from jumping in and fixing things for my kids but he makes some great points about why you shouldn't
I'm glad this resonated for you.
If somebody is in a helpless state, the advice monster gets activated. But with empathy, we know when to slow down and stay curious longer.
I love teds for people like this, who are able to bring truth to such common mistakes we all make.
I appreciate that, Diego - thank you
Same here and his enthusiasm makes me feel motivated!
So much conflict in our interpersonal relationships comes from not feeling heard or seen & Michael presents so many ways to cement our connections better, just staying curious longer. I love it.
Thanks for these kind words, Kathy
The way he presents is awesome, really enjoyed it
This is simply one of the best TED's I have seen, humility comes when we do not take ourselves too seriously. This man is fun and funny and soooo right. Congratulations Michael you nailed it.
Thanks, Juicy Star! I'm glad you thought it was funny AND useful!
Note to self: Stay Curious, ask these 3 questions:
“What is the real challenge here for you?”
“What else?”
“What do you want?”
Perfect!
Nailed it. Let me know how it goes for you.
To sum it up: Be INTERESTED not interesting. This is classic Dale Carnegie- and how you get to know the other person well; on a level like never before. Bravo- well done Michael
The part about diminishing others with our advice was an eye-opener. Must reflect on this.
I think we are finally realising just being there for someone, in silence, is one of the most valuable things you can do for someone these days.
Oh wow
I think so too
Beautifully put. I agree: being present contribues so much.
"Holding Space" totally agree
I think I need to put this on a banner above my desk "STAY CURIOUS LONGER!"
man thats so true, great words. That would work great!
😸 😹
so good!
This is just awesome in so many ways!!
this is the best ever advice on advice...
You know, I never really thought that giving advise takes away the other person’s sense of autonomy.
I'm glad it struck a chord for you, Sam!
well think now before you speak!
I wonder...how do you feel when people give you unsolicited advice. Are you appreciative?
If you can’t watch the whole thing, head to 9:48- these three points are gold.
Thanks, Joanne ~
100% agree.
raaaaad my attention span is the worst and i love this guy's perspective
Took me way too long to watch this send but it is GOLD and your time stamp helped my attention span greatly.
my daughter is always telling me to hush up and just listen to her, instead of give her advice or fix her problems.... i'm sending this to her so she knows i am trying!
ha! it's a classic parent/child thing, for sure!
that's fantastic, Keith ... she'll likely appreciate this!
@@mbs_works if she punches me I will let you know ... haha
This has given me a lot to think about, my mind immediately went to some recent conversations where I found myself struggling to keep my opinions to myself while still trying to give good advice. Wish I'd seen this a week or two ago lol
Better late than never
Love the way he presents, the way he thinks and the way he engages us - his audience!! Thank you MBS!! You're awesome!
Your question 'What's the real challenge here for you?' really made me think. Often, we don't dig deep enough to find the core issue. This is definitely something I'll try to incorporate.
Awesome!
I totally relate to the 'Advice Monster' concept. It's so easy to fall into the trap of thinking we have all the answers. This was a great reminder to pause and really listen, thank you
Thank you
MBS is fantastic. Can't hear this stuff enough! He appeared to get a dud of an audience in Nevada though... he deserved a lot more reciprocal energy!
His humor really made this so much more enjoyable than the average tedx talk
I deeply appreciate that
Such a good reminder about cognitive biases, and yes, we often overestimate the quality of our advice.
Very true
Goodness me - the wisdom is profound! STAY CURIOUS LONGER! The application of this simple concept can be profound - in work, in life and yes, even in crisis. Thank you MBS for this talk and also for YOLB...the universe delivered it at the right time!
Thanks, Nancy
Nancy - thanks for this lovely note
I first saw this years ago and love that it's popped back up for me, I think my relationships have really improved since following some of the steps given in this talk!
Huzzah!
Recognizing my own Advice Monster during this talk was a bit confronting but in a good way! Definitely a fresh perspectives on communication and personal growth.
I'm glad it resonated with you
This is really validating to hear. I've always felt kind of uncomfortable when people give me advice but it's obvious they haven't really understood the whole situation. I never have the courage to correct them and end up just lying and saying I'll try whatever they've suggested. But then I find myself kind of drifting away from that person because I feel hurt that they didn't listen to me properly
Absolutely love this. I have been a compulsive advice giver and always knew it was somewhat toxic and controlling but didn't know how to deal with it. This has been life-changing for me and I am very grateful, thank you.
Stay curious for longer. Man, that's so important in all facets of life. We think we know, think we get it but reality, if we were to stay curious, ask more questions, we would have such a well rounded perspective.
Thanks for the note, Bazza
Loved loved loooved the concept of staying curious for longer!! It aligns so well with fostering more supportive and understanding rapport in both personal and professional settings. Brilliant.
Thank you!
Very very helpful! I know I also spend a lot of energy trying to solve everyone's problems, too. And now I have some tools to help them find their own answers. Many thanks for this talk.
my pleasure
Having been a coach, I had learned the best I can do is keep quiet and listen genuinely to people. A few days ago, I was handling a client's session, and she said "you haven't told me what to do in the last few sessions" and I replied, "you have answers already, you're only expecting me to give you step 1, step 2, and I may not"
exactly! you got it.
While you are proclaiming peace with your lips, be careful to have it even more fully in your heart.
-Francis of Assisi
I love this quote 😍 🥰
perfect!!
wow, that is such a great quote!
So so easy to give advice when you aren’t the one impacted by it. I try to remember that when friends come to me…but it is also so so easy to give advice when you can see things from an outsider’s perspective!
those are both true ~
I've always been so frustrated when I've needed to vent and instead am answered back with "Oh you know what you should do" or "Well, I were you I would..." but I do always appreciate when someone tries to relate to my vent or story through showing their own vulnerabilities through a similar experience. I appreciate perspective, not advice.
Omg I literally cringe when people do this
Sam, you've nailed it here. So often "being helpful" is just not that helpful at all.
Can't get over the awesomeness of that shirt, pants combo
😂
why, thank you!
I thought he looked good, I love the pants, a nice burgundy color on my screen.
A great big thank you from all the friends and family in my life who have a love/hate relationship with my advice monster! And one from me because now I see how I've been giving them all fish instead of a fishing pole.
so true.
The story of the fish and the fishing pole is itself advice.
how we all need to listen more! always so quick to put our own perspective in.
took me a while I watched he is freakin amazing.
true mango true
This talk is GOLD. Now it’s time to put it in action…thanks Michael!!✨
Pretending to listen, and you just can't wait to give your advice!!! you know my mom I see.
Of course! we go waayyy back
@@mbs_works haha
this is me!
This is so awesome!
@@danahasler9018 agree with yah!
Thank you. Totally needed to hear this. My advice monster is strong (like the force) I am definitley ‘tell it ‘ and need to not :) and will stay curious longer and use these questions as much as I can. New habits :)
questioning our impulse to advise could really change how we interact. thanks for this perspective!
You're very welcome and thanks for the kind words
Beautifully explained the harm of advice giving...
3:37- Yes!! I am guilty of assuming that the elements of a situation that I would consider challenging aren’t necessarily what the other person would see as the challenge. I have learnt to wait till the end…I wish I had seen this talk 10 years ago! Would have saved me a lot of trial and error.
I'm glad you saw it now ... onwards!
I really enjoyed your talk. It's so true that we often jump to giving advice without truly understanding the situation. Hoping to remember this advice and stay curious when it matters
Always stay curious 😀
@@mbs_works 🙌🏼🙌🏼
I heard Michael speaking to Brene Brown. he was very good on that, but this talk is even better. Love this guy!
Oh I want to hear that!
Ah, thank you for the kind words...
I find I often fall in the trap of thinking that just being there and listening is the same as being present and hearing. We are all so busy and we are tricked into thinking it is our time which is the most valuable thing we can offer. What a number society has done on us.
I love that distinction, Joyce - well said!
I love this, the advice monster, I've heard mine when I talk to others and I have heard those talking to me.
very cool talk
yep!
and now more than ever we need to be able to give each other a space to vent and be heard... like Miachel said, we need to know we can do it ourselves, the sense of competence and confidence... but we still need our support networks
Each person is different and therefore advice, unless asked for, is useless. I really liked this talk, and his way of presenting. I think it's something really important to think about, how we relate and speak to one another, and if we are actually listening or not!
this is heaps true hey. we really all need to be better listeners.
thanks - I appreciate the words
Awesome. It reminds me of Positive Intelligence, by Shirazad Chamine. It talks a lot about saboteurs and this advice monster sounds very similar to the Judge saboteur. And when he say that must create the habit of staying curious a little longer it reminds me of one of the five powers of the Sage.
Awesome book, by the way. I totally recommend it. Also, Shirzad has a TED of his own.
Michael’s book The Coaching Habit is awesome too!!! A must-read.
I agree Shirazad's work and mine are pretty closely related.
MBS is a genius, his books are simple yet powerful and he never fails to entertain and blow my mind at the same time. And he’s genius live too! So well read, spoken and teaches me something new every time he speaks! Bravo again sir!
never heard of him til now, he is gold..
Christi - you're very kind. thank you!
I think people are starting to realize now though that when a friend has a big vent to you they just want to be heard and that's okay! It's actually pretty lovely to be able to provide that for a friend, to be their safe space.
It's a beautiful thing to be a safe space for someone
My partner and I saw a meme last year that said something along the lines of "are we problem solving, or are we listening?" and now, whenever one of us has something we want to talk about, we ask each other this. Because sometimes people do want perspective and other times they want to vent - I think communicating about this helps keep us closer together.
seen this too and my friends and i do the same - i love that we are all learning that we have limited capacity and we must communicate better
What a wonderful understanding. I'm sure that's stopped quite a few conversations going of the rails
Yes my girlfriends and I do this, consent is needed before offloading on someone!
I always ask questions when my friend, colleague or my mom:) tells me something. Even when I'm not interested in this topic at all; I think it makes them feel more valued.
Stan, I think you're right - it does. Questions are one of the best ways just to connect with someone.
You are a good person to do such things.
We all do it! What a great talk, I think every single person who watches it will be able to relate and hopefully will use these helpful hacks to not be such a knowitall!
I hope so. I've found that if you interact with other human beings, the Advice Monster can show up!
The thing that stood out to me is that he says he already knew what he was going to say before she even told him what was going on. I feel like I'm going to be so over-aware of that in myself now lol
This guy fed his advice monster an entire TED talk!
This is probably the best Ted talk I’ve ever seen!
Liz - thanks for saying this ~
Thanks for this great speech. It's what i need when i work as a consultant. Somehow I've done it.. bht not exactly 100%. I told ya to be the one that listen to their problem, doesn't mean that we have to be the one who solved them. It'll be really frustrating if you do it, be the light that will help them to find their own way home
Came here after listening to Brenee Brown podcast Friday and listing to audio book yesterday, can’t wait to put into practice Monday, I think it will have huge impact on my work, thank you 🙏
I adore Brenee Brown
my pleasure - thanks for listening to the podcast and to this as well. Much apprecaited
The Coaching Habit is an awesome book and guide.....The Advice Trap is a great follow-up! I am 1/3rd into it already, I have only had it a day. Also jumped on Michael’s”The Year of Living Brilliantly” . Thank you Michael! Love your work.....and yes, you pulled off the shirt pant combo like no-one else!
thank you!
I love these questions! I'm reminded of the importance of treating the cause, instead of the symptoms. And this is it!
This was SO good, thank you !
thanks so much ... and nice insight!
This is true - BUT - it is delivered so well, congrats man you are one of the best speakers I have ever heard!
Hey, thank you! I practiced like crazy to make it seem effortless up there.
Michael and Ellen Langer are my two favorite teaching coaches.
I'm honoured ❤
Every single one of my friends and family need to see this. Definitely be sharing!
And I thank you for sharing with me Clara.
Thanks, Clara - I appreciate you passing the word along
@@mbs_works 👍👍👍
And this is the best advice non advice ever!
ex ACT ly!
this dude is awesome. one of the best tedtalks i've seen. actual useful stuff instead of some sob story. rad.
Hey Thomas - thanks for the nice words! I'm a big fan of "share an idea ... and make it practical"
@@mbs_works me too, thanks!
I agree! You just look up his other videos!!
We all are sure that our pieces of advice are brilliant and the best ever!
It sounds *so good* and *so true* in our brains!
Well isn't that the truth
all in all he gave advise at the end
:D Michael must have millions of fights with his family to give us this masterpiece
This really made me realize how often I jump to give advice without really understanding the issue... Going to try being more curious instead.
Huzzah!
That was literally the best TED talk I've EVER watched.
thank you!
Oh this is marvelous!! This is incredibly important for all of us I would think.
Thanks Emma - I'm really glad it struck a chord.
@@mbs_works amazing talk!!
Isn't it just!!!
I find that people who have kids are the WORST with this, they don't care if you want it or not they love to lay on any advice no matter what. I have met some people who don't have kids though who give parents advice.... and that's probably even worse. Really enjoyed this one. Great presenter as well.
Thanks, Tony - I'm really glad it struck a chord. And yes for sure, I think we've all got our "weak spots" where we like to give unsolicited advice.
Lolll this is such a good talk! Funny and informative without being too up its own but. Kind of a rare find these days...
We also must ensure we are respecting each other's boundaries and levels of comfort when we choose to vent to someone or when we are listening and relating to someone.
This is something I want to hear more about
that's right ~
I love that there is more dialogue about this these days
I think people are starting to realize now though that when a friend has a big vent to you they just want to be heard and that's okay! It's actually pretty great to be able to provide that for a friend, to be their safe space.
100% agree!
This does not apply to me. Like, actually… sure I want to interrupt people but I think deeply on what help I can give, usually it’s giving the person an outside outlook to appreciate other perspectives. When people try to get me out of my own head for a sec it’s a massive help and I know people that feel the same.
Identifying the three personas of the Advice Monster was enlightening and I definitely see a bit of myself in each one ahaha time to tame them I guess!
exactly!
I rly enjoyed this talk. Everyone I no loves to give advice all the time and never listen.
Yep yep yep
I happened upon this talk and didn’t realize I had recently started listening to your book Coaching Habit. It’s awesome!
-what is the real challenge here, for you
-and what else
-and what else
-what is the real challenge here, for you
Thank you!
Thanks, Annie ~
I found myself always giving advise. When someone gives their advise to me I would say I didn’t ask your advise nor do I want it. So one day the light bulb went off and I reversed it and thought they might be thinking like me. That how I was able to start to change in giving advise. Beside. I was start to say why don’t the use they own brains. That was my wake up call. It became to stressful to me. Now I have more inner peace.
Beautiful TeEDx Talk, helping me to shut up and listen more to be helpful in real. Thank you Mike!
Wonderful talk, thank you.
my pleasure ~
I laughed so hard at the start of this, and then - BOOM, he was talking about me, I am that monster😲😲😲😲😲
Exactly what I was hoping for!
@@mbs_works you wanted more monsters??? it worked..
i think we can all be an advice monster at times.
This is really funny.
Wow! Awesome presentation and super important content. You share in a way that makes it accessible to all. Thank you.
Absolutely brilliant.
thank you
This might be the best advice ever, if you can call not giving advice, um, advice!
ha, thats right
that's almost explaining it - lol.
It's the paradox of it all, for sure!
This did change my perspective of looking at my challenges. Good one!
Heard this guy on a Brene Brown Podcast, how cool. This talk is awesome
Thank you!
Came back two years later for a refresher
This is the best Non advice, advice ever.
thanks, Mary!
I know you sent this my way for a reason Mary..... thanks :P