Don't Let Peer Rejection Get to You!
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- Опубликовано: 21 окт 2024
- Pathoetiology via peers mainly in adolescence
Idiosyncrasies (e.g. autism, obesity, gender dysphoria, gifted) lead to peer rejection.
Stunted separation-individuation leads to peer rejection and life-threatening shame.
Cognitive dissonance resolved: I am rejecting them because I am superior to them. I am a sage, a hero, a victim.
Peers provide reality testing and scripts. They serve as a modeling reference group. Mutual rejection results in cluelessness, pseudo-stupidity, automatism, and compensatory fantasy (including imaginary peers, for example on social media or VR).
Splitting defense (peers are all bad, I am perfect)
Fantasy defense
Dissociation
Displaced passive-aggression
In short: covert narcissism
Conflicting parental messaging and modeling: the world is not safe, we need you, you owe us (conformity) vs. you are abnormal, what is wrong with you, start to act your age and make friends (normalcy).
This leads to recurrent failure and an impaired sense of self-efficacy.
Narcissists misperceive their intimate partners as maternal figures and rejecting and retraumatizing peers (reenactment, akin to living history).
This yields age-inappropriate behavior and triggers all the defenses. It helps the narcissist to devalue and separate.
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In my experience, rejecting the modeling reference group can actually be advantageous. If I followed my peers, I would have ended up getting pregnant out of wedlock pretty young, I would not have gone to college, and I would be trapped in poverty. That is actual reality growing up in a low socioeconomic neighborhood. I would argue narcissism can be a great short term strategy to escape your current situation, but in the longrun, it’s a lonely, unhealthy path.
I'm on a similar path and now it takes an enormous amount of work as an adult to be able to form healthy relationships.
Children are seismographs. 100 percent truth! I teach teenagers and I can attest to this. Their cruelty and accuracy can rip you apart
You're not for everybody and that's ok !
psychology of peer groups would be extremely useful!
Make a video about peer groups, please. 🙂
Gifted children often fall into this peer dynamic. It breaks my heart to listen to this video.
I'm on the autism spectrum. This is a perfect description of my hellish version of life.
I went through being invisible, to be being popular, to withdrawing ect. I do feel sorry for my peers in teenagehood who were lowest ranked socially. Nevertheless, this did make them study and work hard. And paradoxically in some cases it helped propel them.
How tragic that life is... Everyone relating just know you are loved.
I’m interested in peer groups and would be delighted if you made a video on this topic.
Your lessons are life changing Sam!
I’m definitely interested in a video about the psychology of peer groups, as well. Looking forward to it!
I can relate alot to this .Being frozen and self sabotaging. I am slowly becoming much more self efficacious which has been a game changer for me.
Dear Professor
Yes ofcourse i'd like to hear the psychology of peer groups.
It would be delightful!
As always thank you for sharing your knowledge.
Very, very interesting. I once said to my ex- street angel husband… I am not the enemy
As a autistic person. I relate way too much.
Sam Please make a video in the psicology of peer groups. It seems a fascinating topic.
He used to say these exact words
“ i hate you so much. You don’t understand how much i hate you. You remind me so much of my childhood you trigger everything and i can’t stand you ! I despise you !!! You remind me of my parents who’s relationship i hated !! “
I always used to ask him whether or not i did something for hkn to hate me because i just didn’t understand. He couldn’t answer me.
This is so interesting. Can’t believe how much this one video has taught me. This has brought so much into perspective what my grandkids are thinking. Especially as their having some of the same problems with there piers. And at least two of my five have been suicidal.
Sam can you please tell us how to heal from Smear Campaign step wise. Especially if we live in small town and don’t have much scope to avoid the community altogether other than just change work place. Smear campaign feels like a punch in the stomach. It still hurts.
By 22' screaming laughing ovation from me. 😅😹 You described most of my friends and some parts of myself. 😂
Understanding my own imperfection is what made me sympathize with the other's imperfection.
...
Understanding is the most important element, it is the difference.
Without understanding, those shadows will continue to haunt us, no matter how the external context changes.
Perfectly explained video on the cycle of narcissism.
Dr. Vaknin, currently I am no contact with my family due to the approach-avoidance compulsion. They are extremely controlling and use shame as a tool. I wish I was not emotionally affected, but it affects me a lot when they do. Is there a way that I can reconnect and transform our relationship? Is there guidance on resolving the approach-avoidance repetition compulsion? Is it something that cannot be resolved or reduced?
You have by far the most unique and accurate insight Dr. Sam 👍 You give me great prospectives and understanding. Thank you ❤️
Thank you sir
Peers or parents, who use shame as a weapon to bully kids, what are they? Narcs? Or are normal. Normal people don't shame others.
Some people who are not with a personality disorder can willingly be real azzholes . George Simon. Wolf in Sheeps Clothes and character disordered individuals is very interesting and helpful.
So much appreciate these videos. They include chilling messages, and make me track a lot of what was happening in my childhood and those close to me. But the sense of liberation and even intimacy I get from these videos is precious. Thank you so much for what you do.
Ja! Gör en video om det tack!
Gärna en var om allt👑
The crazy making push-and-pull. And I could NEVER explain that. Why it was so crazy-making. It was profoundly disturbing to me, unsettling. Now that I cut contact with them for good (yes, I do feel guilty, yes I know they love me on some level), I feel more and more at home in the world, yes, with peers my age, with people, connected, not weird, strange abnormal, like they wanted me to believe. I don't need that strange narcissism to grow and fester inside of me anymore. I can be who I am, I can be vulnerable. Thank you so much for your work, Dr. Vaknin. For a long time, I didn't even notice that I had some form of narcissism myself, because it was so covert. I realize so many things now. Much love.
And btw Sam I'm sooo sorry if you experiences this too in your childhood. Others just don't understand, they just think you're spoiled...
amazing ,,thank you,
I had rejection from peers 3 times and I started seeking other friend and I found out ❤ Thank you Dear Sam Vaknin for sharing knowledge ❤
Could you do a video that goes more into the freeze response in the scenario you’ve described here through an ontological lens? Thank you
What do you think of Girard’s mimetic theory?
Please could you do a video on perpetrators of the bullying the peers.
Dear Professor, i recognize this matter in a friend of mine. It's brings up a lot of questions to me if you don't mind: Does it make sense to give him this information to give him more insight on a cognitive level? Can it open the box of Pandora for him and is there a risk that he can decompensate even more? Can he misuse this information and strengthen his coping mechanism even more? Do they also suffer from this themselves or do they not feel anything at all about the destructive effect on the others? As you asked, it would be nice to make an special episode on this subject please. Thank you very much!. Kind regards
Professor, do you think is there any correlation between school mass shotings and what your talking about in this video?
Search my main channel.
I can't get to sleep
I think about the implication
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it's just imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away..
Beautiful
This song, 'Overkill', had been in my head a lot lately before the narcissist hijacked my brain and my heart.
🛟⭐️⏳️✨️🦋✨️🎩👌
It would be so nice to hear Professor telling us about the psychology of peer groups (while sipping his red wine). 😉 Another idea: could you ever present some tips on how to deal with groups of difficult adolescents while being their school teacher?
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@@nothingnessnonarcissism Thank you, Professor. I dug deep into your videos made 13 years ago and I found your advice 😀
Here is an interesting true story, and I hope you can comment: There was a Jewish (secular) German author, born around 1900, who was very successful. He is still well known, although not the following.
He had an adoring wife, which is why he married her although he had homosexual tendencies, as she had pursued him for years. He treated her more as a secretary and hostess for his parties than as a wife. She considered herself a "motherly" woman. When he was growing up in an outwardly wealthy home, he had felt neglected by his own mother and resented her very much because she spent so much on clothes that he ate poorly. He also keenly felt the effects of antisemitism, hankered after all things non-Jewish, and held his poorer fellow Jews in great disdain. When the Germans began their major persecutions he was a wealthy man and left Germany... but his mother was too elderly and ill to move, and German doctors were not allowed to treat her. When this man's wife chose to stay in the country to nurse her mother-in-law, the man became so angry he divorced her. He had wanted to abandon his mother to the Nazis.
Albert Ellis taught to love ourselves unconditionally
Otherwise this is very scary
Oh my gosh
Sam youre an incredible teacher
TU
Question
My siblings grew up with many friends
Spoiled
But they are actually criminal abusers
Felony types against me
They are both sociopathic narcs
How did they become like that?
Sad Life. Not only we were traumatic as children, but still feel worse in hurting others good for us🧐😂😂😂and the easiest way to stop this is forgiveness.
Sounds like me
Brittany s don't want no scrubs
Was that Hebrew?
Sir , can you do a video about autism.......I stilll dont get it
Search the comorbidities playlist on my main channel.
@@nothingnessnonarcissism Thank you
Smurf 😘
Λοιπόν άκου. Σε θέλω ψηλό και ωραίο. Αλλιώς σε δινω στη φιλη μου την Ελενίτσα που ειναι βιτσιόζα και της αρέσουν οι κοντοί και άσχημοι. Δεν την αγχώνουν, λέει.
Τι να πεις κι εσύ....
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