How to Deal with Rejection Sensitivity
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- Опубликовано: 24 авг 2020
- This is my most requested episode ever. Thanks to the support of my research team, creative team, professional consultants, and the fabulous Caroline Maguire, it's finally done :) Enjoy!!!
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Caroline Maguire, M.Ed., ACCG, PCC founded and facilitates a comprehensive SEL training methodology (#ConnectionMatters) for adults, parents, clinicians and academic professionals on how to develop critical social, emotional and behavioral skills, in themselves and in others. Caroline’s book Why Will No One Play With Me? is a playbook that includes foolproof scripts on how to communicate - with anyone, in any situation - and how to ensure the message registers with the recipient - no small task! Through her private practice, publications, lectures and workshops, her mission is to vanquish the devastating effects of feeling different and misunderstood.
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Music for "How to Deal with Rejection Sensitivity:"
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Thank you for this, and all your other videos. They are very well laid out on topics that are important.
For everyone else, please take the help offered and put it to work. Review it, rewatch it and make it a priority. I know, RS practices, exercise, sleep habits, eating right, getting your work done, .... it is overwhelming. It’s also important. Maybe not everything is done every day but understanding how and why you react the way you do is a big part of maintaining good emotional health which will allow you to be part of healthy relationships throughout your life.
It’s taken me nearly 40 years, a bunch of fleeing, fighting, freezing and strain on my marriage to learn this.
The “ do what you know” is the hard part.. but to start...I’ll go with getting some sleep! Thanks for the lil nudge Casey!
I already practice a couple of the ideas she share.. It is hard at times... X
@@mammybelle7302 I also have ADHD. For me, practicing openness to a deep level has really helped me to not care too much about what others think about me. I try to search for new ideas/ theories /systems that can improve my skills. Everyone (as said in the video) has their own way of finding out what works for oneself, and I hope that you guys can find or already have found ways to improve. 😉👍
ruclips.net/video/PEexQAkhFpM/видео.html allo. ... i hear the term validation a lot but i have to wonder how some people or groups or even religions play on that fear of rejection?
thank you for this.
It’s not even rejection sometimes. It’s just the feeling that someone is disappointed in you for whatever reason.
Codependency
I was recently called a quiet lad and I started to shake and worry i wasn't good enough
Agreed
So much this !
My mom said she didn't like my outfit and I had a panic attack for a straight hour or more
The worst part about this is knowing you are unreasonably emotional but you cannot help it. I’ve broken down while thinking about how silly it is.
having to tell people “dont pay attention to whatever im doing right now my brains just like that hahah” while simultaneously crying as if youre at a funeral
I feel the same way! My brain is just overly emotional. Therapy has helped me to deal with it but it has not lowered the intensity of my feelings.
Oh wow. Rejection sensitivity. I have that extremely bad at work. I care way too much but my coworkers and managers think about me. I can't stand even being a minute late because I think they'll start hating me. If we're super busy at work, the workload isn't what stresses me out. It's the idea that my coworkers and managers are going to start judging me and criticizing me for how efficient I am. This gets so bad that I cry about it at work sometimes. People at work have started noticing that I'm very different than everybody else, and that I'm extremely sensitive. Which only compounds the problem further because not only am I sensitive, now I'm sensitive about being sensitive. I'm really harsh on myself when I do poorly and I hate the idea that people have to walk on eggshells around me. I started to hate myself and I really want to know what's wrong with me.
are you a female?
I feel the same way but I don't have ADHD as far as I know. But I want to be diagnosed with what I think is bipolar depression. But maybe other things will be revealed to me.
For me, this takes the form of leaving a conversation with people and being afraid that I talked to much, said idiotic things without thinking, offended them etc. I then worry that they think I'm actually quite annoying. It happens A LOT, even with good friends.
I agree. Me yesterday.
Every Single Day. Doesn’t help that people have confirmed these fears 🤕
Reliving conversations even with old friends wondering if I've offended them, if was boring, if I talked over them, if I didn't communicate my ideas properly.the self recrimination is brutal
Yup. One day, I owned up and shared with my sister in law. I left feeling really uncomfortable, afraid I over shared. I was about to see her again the next day, and I had a full on panic attack, because I was worried I was going to be rejected.
It’s sooo true and precise🥲
The "not asking for things" part is so real. Not asking to come along when friends are going somewhere. Not calling a friend because there's something you want to see/do in case they don't want to, or come along because they feel they have to even though they'd rather not. Not messaging friends because you think you're only bothering them. Not asking your parents if they might finance an exchange year or similar things because they feel unnecessary because they are for us, and we are unimportant. Not asking for help in general. I'm working on it but it still happens and I hate it.
Oh, my goodness. Yessssssss. And don't people love you for it?! I know my boss loves my independence. But at the same time has coached and urged me to be more assertive, speak up in meetings, share my opinion, ask for what I need (which also prevents me from exploding like a volcano when I can stuff no more. It's rather unpleasant for the people around me). Hi, I'm an ISFJ with AD[H]D. 😆
what are FRIENDS ??????
That comment helped a lot. Thanks. Sometimes you can't put a problem into words and therefore can't be solved. I studied philosophy, but sometimes it is really hard to define a problem, solving is also hard :)
I will have to message my friend soon, and i am dreading it. I often send a message and dont look at it until hours later
Lmao not a problem if u don’t have friends to ask 🤣🤣🥲
Anyone else just find it comforting that you’re not alone with these life experiences or feelings 😔
😭😭
I do 😭 my life is falling apart and i only just discovered i have adhd very recently but knowing there are others on the same boat makes me feel better
@@admantite same
This young lady is so helpful!
@@skyjust828 w
Who else feels as if their entire life has been ruled by fear? I literally never finished a single PhD program application because as soon as I hit the "letters of recommendation" part, I assumed no one would give me one, and I gave up.
I recently told a friend, with conviction and sincerity, that the only thing I learned from highschool was to never try, because you're never good enough. My entire life has been fear, self hate and self doubt, friend, so you are not alone.
I've been avoiding applying to grad school for 5 years even though it's been my dream b/c I have terrible anxiety even from just looking at the website. I feel so ashamed and I feel like no one gets it. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
This was exactly what happened to me. Had a hard time going to office hours in college for the same reason.
I'm 40 and finally finishing my BA bc of... well ADHD is the shortest version. I would love to try a pHD someday but im.so scared I will fail terribly. The fact that you've gotten as far as you have is inspiring.
yup, letters of recommendations are my last step before grd school...for 15 years 😬
When I heard kids with adhd are usually less liked and have fewer reciprocal friends, i lost it. I genuinely feel like there’s such a deep part of me that was just healed :(
This part of the video genuinely made me gasp because I finally realized how long rsd has been affecting my life.
I don’t think I had a real friend until I was an adult, thankfully then they came in their droves but that part of feeling so lonely for so long still hurts.
Me too. This was my experience and now my kid is going through the exact same thing (I know your comment is a year old but I had to reply)
Can you tell me more about the part of having reciprocal friends. That really resonates with me
Yeah 😔 unfortunately this seems to be a statistical pattern with most of us. Cuz in our society most times different = bad… no matter what. And what can we be BUT different if our brains literally don’t process like the “standard” of the day? ..yeah
The thing about "friends" bettraying you is so real. It never ceases to amaze me how quickly a seemingly nice person will completely drop you for something or someone that bennifits them.
THIS.
*_Not everything that feels like rejection, is rejection._*
*_Not everything that feels like rejection, is rejection._*
*_Not everything that feels like rejection, is rejection._*
the cure meditation and journaling
I couldn't go back to a frozen yogurt store because they said they open in 30min and I was embarrassed. It wasn't this bad in my 20's.
This is true, sometimes it is completely innocent, but the depression and anxiety that accompany ADHD makes it feel like rejection.
Are you telling me that my family actualy doesnt hate my and mi "friends" hate me? Nah
@@VenusVoice I feel you on this one friend. I have done many similar things.
You know you're ADHD when you're listening for about 15 seconds before inevitably getting distracted by the comments section.
damnit
Yup! Xx
Damnit
Ya got me 😂
And can't even focus on one comment at a time in it?
I never knew there was a name for the intense, visceral pain and anxiety I have always felt when I perceive I am being criticised or rejected. I have strong childhood memories of moments when I was spoken to harshly or felt criticised and crumpled inside. To know others feel this way too is comforting ❤️
there are also other words, like highly-sensitive person (= the best persons😊 ) or trauma-noise
with regards to PTSD many call it body-memories (of past trauma)
This comment literally made me tear up. You just connected the dots of things I knew about myself and Rejection Sensitivity (which I just learned about) and put them together in a very real and very painful truth.
You are not alone. A lot of us can really empathize ❤
I didn't know either ♡ you are not alone
@derda1304 I have PTSD. What is trauma noise? Is it where you jump out of your skin if someone just walks in the room when you aren't expecting it? Or a noise so incredibly loud it feels like it's piercing your eardrums when no one else seems to be bothered by it? I am highly sensitive across the board. Emotions, eyes, ears, skin, and even tastebuds and of course being very jumpy.. it's annoying.. Every time it happens, it makes me feel like ppl think I was doing something wrong and got caught.. I know EMDR would be helpful for me, but it's hard.. to my knowledge is not covered by insurance, at least not mine.. I'm in fight or flight 100% of the time.. and ppl just tell me I'm too tightly wound and should just calm down and relax. That's just not how it works.. for me..Which goes back to the feelings of no one understanding or that there's something wrong with me..
Idk if anyone else has this experience, but rejection sensitivity and people pleasing has gone hand-in-hand with me. I find it very difficult to say no to doing things I don't want to do bc I don't want others to feel rejected/disappointed
Makes sense
I always feel bad if somebody lets me down
I always feel like I’m disappointing someone
@@samanthastover5940 Same, it doesn’t even matter if I did good or bad, and i feel disappointed in myself a lot too. It’s hard
Worst is when people start using you because they know that they can pressure you into doing things for them
not me at age 23 realizing that one perceived romantic rejection in high school has emotionally stunted me for the past 7 years
Can relate. Took me years from someone in college breaking up with me, to release it and move on.
Me too man, 5 years and still struggling with moving on
Twinzies except I'm 21
@@johnpilots7619 same man.
24 here. I had one boyfriend as a teenager, in high school 😂
The biggest "secret" of my ADHD: The sheer amount of time and energy I spend pretending to be like other humans...
Absolutley
I wish i could pretend
Or, sometimes, pretending to 'like' other humans! They can be so boring.
Omg i would but I can't stand anybody.
@@user1.8.2. I feel you.
Stuff that we perceive as rejection, can be a conflict of needs. If I think of it that way, then I don’t feel bad because it’s no longer about me. Mind blown 🤯
What happens when we are with pathological liars, abusers and narcissists and in toxic ambient, toxic shame culture country.
What then?
What do you mean by conflict of needs?
Yeah I've been practicing "this situation sucks but it really isn't about you" in some cases. Trying to take things less personal, yknow
@@pathofthetrickster "Trying to take things less personal"
haha
if this was so simple , we would not be here listening about deep psychology. We'd be in nature, at cafe, making and maintaining friendships and making romantic moves, seek better jobs.
@@renzonaupari6058 If you waited her for 3 hours - and there was no medical or urgent issue due to delay without taking into consideration of giving you any explanation for the wait - yeah, this is a sign of mental problem.
Something that has really helped me is the idea that I'm not missing out if someone rejects me, but rather they're the one missing out on the awesome friend that I know I am.
Me when someone doesn't respond to my text within an hour:
"They're ignoring me!! They hate me!"
The irony when we take days to respond to texts but go into RSD mode when others don’t respond in hours. ;-;
RICH GORANSKI
SAME!!!
Yes’m.
They do. They do hate you.
the whole 70% of ADHD kids don’t have friends thing hit me hard because i legitimate had no friends until 6th grade.
I didn't have a real one till highschool, I was a people pleaser so naturally I had people around me. They're not "friends" tho, just people. I had my first bff on 7th grade.
That stunned me too, I jave had 1 friend, maybe 2 at a time, and since I only have had one friend at a time, I naturally grow very close to them, and then they leave, time and time again. Its strangely comforting to know I'm not some jerk or nobody. I'm praying for you!!!
I have had only two true friends, one in middle school and the other in elementary, the one in elementary she is my best friend though I do not live nearby anymore I only have acquaintances and I am OK with that since people aren't the greatest overall when they become closer vs short terms.
Learn to embrace it I say, it is not so bad.
i’ve only really had one consistent friend and we are pretty certain she also has adhd
I got my best friends in Grade 8th. And now I feel like we are no more than acquaintance, I am in 12th now.
I hated myself for so long, I couldn't understand why I couldn't control my emotions and the fear of rejection in certain areas. I couldn't explain why and it was maddening. And when I first read about RSD, I broke down because it was the first time anyone put into words what I'd felt for so long. It was the most therapeutic to finally know it wasn't just me and wasn't my fault.
“Are you fighting back tears?”
Uhh…no. I’m literally bawling. Every video of yours I’ve watched so far has had an insane effect on me. I’m 43 and i every time you explain something about why i am the way i am…i go back through the last 10 years of my life and realize why I failed. I’ve never been diagnosed with adhd but i always had a suspicion. I just thought i was lazy. 😢
i'm crying too!! i've gone back to the motivation bridge video so many times and just sobbed over how much sense everything makes. i show that video to everyone and it's one of the only things that gets people to understand that i'm TRYING! i'm not lazy, i just have adhd
"When I was a kid, I brought a book with me everywhere because...I already expected my peers not to include me." Yep, that pretty much sums up my life.
Lmao same-
X3
For me it wasn't a book but music... But yeah sums up a lot I guess
Same - I was given a "Bookworm" award in elementary school because I'd read my book while walking single file down the hall with my class.
💕
The worst part of RSD is being rejected so much that you start to build up immense trust issues and can no longer answer normal texts from your friends because you fear that you’ll come of as weird.
Can definitely relate
I definitely got this feeling in certain whatsapp groups
I only text my mom and dad.
@Carb Snobler best part is crying is healthy!🤣🤣😂😂😭😭😭
@Carb Snobler why can’t we just get along?
This has really made me think. I can’t remember the last time I was actually rejected, yet I’m almost always so terrified of not being accepted that I just don’t put myself out there.
This reminds me of the time when I was in elementary school when I absolutely broke down crying. Our teacher used those behavior tracker stoplights and the it was the first time she moved my name from green to yellow for speaking in class. That's like one my core memories now lol
The same thing happened to me in 3rd grade. I remember feeling absolutely devastated, like I was really a bad kid. 😭
Putting lol at the end of ur sentence does not hide the pain
We had that same stoplight system in 2nd grade. I misunderstood the instructions one day. We sat in front listening to a lesson, then we were told to go back to do the workbook then come back. I came back with my book & got in trouble for disobeying & not paying attention. I cried the whole day & was too ashamed to tell my parents for over a decade. Turns out the school had a trained physiatrist for situations like that but my teacher didn't bother sending me & my parents, not knowing what happened, couldn't have known I was denied help. I also got in trouble for playing Scrabble during an indoor recess, as the teacher considered it a game, not a puzzle (puzzles were allowed but not games; though isn't Scrabble just a word puzzle?? And we were learning more than a jigsaw puzzle would've taught us). I also had a book taken away from me & was scolded for reading below the level I was assigned. We homeschooled after that year.
In elementary school in classes I enjoyed I talked too much and answered too many questions. I was very quiet in other classes but in the classes I liked, my teachers had a system where I was given a small pile of pennies and a cup at the beginning of every class. Every time I raised my hand or said anything, I had to put a penny in the cup, and when I ran out, I wasn't allowed to talk anymore. I hated it so much and while it did serve it's purpose of making me be more mindful of what was worth saying out loud (what if I had something more important to say later?) It was still terrible and embarrassing and over time made me participate less and feel less invested in the class. Then I lost interest and my grades dropped and teachers were like "what happened??" As if they weren't the ones who forced me not to participate. And like, I guess I kinda sorta get the logic of "you participating so much discourages other students from participating because they know you'll always answer the question for them" I still think that's dumb. Maybe they just don't want to talk in front of the class, some people just like to listen. It isn't my fault no one else wanted to talk as much as I did. And I always raised my hand and waited for permission before talking so it wasn't even interruptive 😭
Oh yeah that happened with me once. I would also obsessively check my backpack before getting picked up by the bus to make sure I had everything- and the one time I forgot a piece of homework in 3rd grade I spent the entire day crying because I felt so scared of being reprimanded by the teacher (pretty sure he never even said anything lol he was super nice)
Add this to the list of things I didn’t know existed but clarified something I feel often.
same dude. Her channel has made me realize so many things about myself.
Me too!
That happens often with ADHD it seems....
Me too!!!
Same
“Let’s make these ADHDers mess up a lot... a let’s make them hypersensitive, too. That’ll be fun.” - God at some point apparently.
So basically this: ruclips.net/video/y-fcIbq7roI/видео.html
XD
@@Cheebzsta okay that was funny
At least we super power creativity and energy when we’re healthy in return :P
So basically God has ADHD? That would actually explain a lot.
LOL 😂
I could honestly cry right now. The whole time I believed my fear of rejection was because I was annoyingly over sensitive. I couldn’t understand why I let things that were logically small illicit such a strong response from me. I had no idea it was connected to my ADHD. It feels good to know that it’s not just me. I’ve been learning how to keep my emotions at bay so that I can keep a clearer head and not make impulsive decisions for awhile now. But knowing this will help with better approaches of overcoming these feelings or prevent reaching the “red” part. So thank you for this.
Me too.. I had no idea it was connected to my adhd until today. The process of dealing with that alone is ridiculous. I can't even be seen for ADHD until after the new year. I guess there's just not enough healthcare providers, and I'm at the bottom of the list as non emergency. It feels imperative to me, to be seen right away, but i just have to wait. There's just not a good system in place to help ppl. I don't know what the answer is either
This sounds silly, but when im in a good mood at work, i practice being able to handle 'rejection' by asking parents/kids if they would like a sticker. They actually more often than you'd think say no! At first it put me off from ever asking anyone if they wanted a sticker, for a few months actually, but when I progressed in my understanding of ADHD and RS, I found that i could force myself into those situations, and as hard as it is to hear "no" in response, its really good for me to practice being able to bounce back from those emotions
I like the “it might just be a conflict of needs”!
This is genius!
this is so clever!! i might start carrying stickers around my college campus
"The more emotions go up, the more cognitive ability goes down"
HOW DARE- yeah.. you're right.. 😩
I've never felt so attacked _by a graph_
@Carb Snobler you're literally just wrong lmao
@Carb Snobler this is pathetic, you can't even spell or use basic grammar lmfao
@Carb Snobler I don't know why you are acting like this spread love not hate ☮️
@Carb Snobler why were you so triggered by what the o.p. said? your response was so unnecessarily mean and not even productive.
@Carb Snobler when emotions are heightened is exactly when an issue shouldn’t resolved lol but our brains want to do something about it. That’s why I tell my friends “wait till you calm down, then respond, because you’re not in a headspace to do so correctly”
Being a kid and being called a worry wart, overly sensitive, moody, and other labels. Amazing to see that we are not alone!
Can totally relate.
But then also being called wise/nature for your age 😂
@@emmagriffiths1543 Exactly omg
Yup
I have been watching multiple ADHD videos from many sources. What is really hitting hard is how relatable all this is. It is both comforting and depressing,
I just said the same thing to myself.
Omg thank you for using the term “reciprocal friend!” That hit super hard.
Ive come to assume that I like other people a LOT more than they like me. It has helped be guard my heart, but it doesn’t really help, because it assumes rejection from the onset.
I also expect that other people have NO problem dropping me as a friend, which makes engaging in friendship building a very shaky endeavor. I don’t expect loyal friendship from very many people.
@@maillemacanaugh1841wow that really resonates with me.
Omg when you said "let us know if you'd be interested (in learning social skills)"
I went "PLEASE YES. PLEASE OMG PLEASE."
+1
+1
I'm up for this as well
Fr plseasssseee
YESSSS
That is one thing I would totally run to the drug store to get, if you could get it there.
That, and being a go-getter. But I am quite sure social skills would help a lot there.
"Too sensitive" - my heart hurts just thinking of it. Thank you for making this.
I will forever be the sensitive one in my family and they will forever try to force me out of it. 😪😔
Therapy has helped me to reframe this. Everyone always told me to “be less sensitive.” Be sensitive! What I needed was capacity, to handle and process my sensitivity. And that is possible.
Sarah Olivares thank you!! Yes, it's not the feelings or the sensitivity, it's the way we manage it. I've come to accept it and even appreciate it about myself. Sometimes the voices from childhood come back, though.
I think the world needs more sensitive people, it’s hard to be sensitive but I think it’s a gift to others when we use it for being kind and understanding (vs. wrapped up in our own feelings too much). So it’s basically a superpower.
@@tknows470 from your lips my friend.
I've been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and ADHD. Never have I ever found a video that resonated so hard with my soul. Thank you
Thanks you write that you have both. I actually thought about if both diagnosis are possible. I am in borderline theraphy but i see myself more in add then borderline and was thinking i'm possibly diagnosed falsely. My mum said i have add since childhood - while i figured borderline to be a thing later on. I'm not really sure but since you wrote it i know that there could be a co-morbidity.
Are there any medications that can help? I have not been diagnosed, but believe I have both of these along with this video it completely resonated with me as well.
What really helps me is just not to care as much and not expect anything from people. If they are rejecting me, I wish them well and just no longer care.
Kinda scary how you post the video related to what I really need at this point in time 😂😂 like exactly lmao
I literally just thought of that, then read this comment xD The timing could not have been any better
I was literally googling how to handle emotional disregulation yesterday lol. At least now I got an answer. :)
@@nishsfSo glad this helped - even more than google:) Caroline
@@DiscoPenguin23 So glad- I love it when the universe sends us a signal! Caroline
My husband was just trying to explain some of this to our kids today. 😂 perfect timing!
This is so heartbreaking to watch at 32, still undiagnosed, but finally feeling emotionally seen
Hey, dido! 😏
😭 absolutely
its still heartbreaking with a diagnosis :(, but yeah this channel helps a lot
Eyup, right there with you.
Best part is it's possible to change it :) let's keep fighting
You just saved me from what could have been an extremely embarrassing and costly interaction. Thank you. Just the idea to wait until I was in the ”green zone” to address the situation despite the overwhelming compulsion to deal with it NOW, helped me to put some space in between addressing a hurtful situation and empower me to do it in a more healthy and helpful way where a better outcome had a chance. Your transparency and delightful personality make your videos fun and helpful .
I have that overwhelming need too. I feel like that one is going to be a hard one to break. It feels like a biological need, like eating or something... If feels so intense
*I can be disappointed, but that doesn't mean rejection.*
I want to go to a health professional soon to see if I can be diagnosed, but either way, this really helps me. Thank you so much.
wow. I need to put this on my refrigerator, so I see it every day.
Did you get diagnosed?
OMG, I was literally just talking yesterday about how the real reason I never share my photography is because I'm afraid I'll get rejected, which is in turn hurting me because it prevents me from getting better. While others might use criticism to improve, I take it personally and feel like I'm just not good enough. It's crazy that this is apparently common with ADHD people, and somehow it makes me feel better to know that it's not just me.
I am an artist, and I sabotage myself this same way with my art. Its like I'm afraid of success. Thought it was just me.
I can relate! Except, I'll share my projects but never finish them because I can always "defend myself" from criticism by explaining, "Well it's not finished yet!" so anything they say can't hurt me because I can pretend I already knew that flaw and am already planning to address it. But then the problem is that I never do finish the project, or won't label it as "finished" if I do... I was realizing a year or two that it seems like I don't want to finish things, but really I do!! It's just hard to focus enough to get there, and be strong against the criticism when I do arrive.
Yeah, I never feel good enough. And fear of rejection makes me less like to share things or to take chances because of intense fear of being ridiculed if not overtly, secretly. I have hard time taking compliments and when someone shows interest in me, I often think I'm being scammed or used in some way only to be discarded after they get what they wanted out of me.
@@emilys3638 omg saaaaame!
@@emilys3638 literally surrounded by unfinished pieces.
"engage in situations where rejection is a possibility" even hearing this phrase in a positive context triggered my fight or flight.
Yep - not gonna happen!
Saaaameee
Word
It's how beating fears works though. Start small. Maybe try making a recommendation on dinner with a loved one, that's a kinda small one.
@Carb Snobler I don't know why you are acting like this spread love not hate.☮️
I really needed this video today. I had always believed myself just to be sensitive, but my emotional reactions especially to social hardships is of the chains. At 22 years old, a group of people I thought I got on with just started avoiding me, and when I asked what was up, they said that they realised our ‘vibes didn’t match’. From then I knew they weren’t the best of people, but it still hurts so much.
As a 42 year old man that just received an ADHD diagnosis the other day, this video is so immensely validating!
I started to burst out crying in the middle of this video because it is just so. freaking. relatable, and this is the first time ever I realized that I'm not alone in this, I'm not unlikable, and I'm not a freak or a weirdo for being so sensitive, it's only because my brain is different than non-ADHDer.
same its been over two minutes Im still crying :( and I'm a man.
@@samson3523 Maybe worse for you as a man, not ‘supposed’ to cry? Feelings have to come out sometime, in some way. I haven’t even pressed play yet, I’m crying just reading the comments. Always felt so misunderstood : (
This made me cry too, really hard. School was torture for me because I had such a hard time making friends, and then people would make fun of me for being a "loner," and it's just this awful cycle that repeats over and over. Ugh. It's hard to build self-esteem after that, and I've worked really hard to, but sometimes it can come tumbling down again easily.
Same. I started crying a couple of minutes in and havent really stopped. Its been about ten minutes since I finished it but then I went to the comments and boom... more tears.
@@samson3523 seriously. i feel like i could show this to a friend and they finally would understand whats going on but idk if thats too much to share
The compounding challenge of the “red” is that when cognitive ability is low, impulsivity is VERY HIGH. *deep breath*
And then I got fired 😞
And then I broke up with my boyfriend and blocked him on EVERYTHING. He did deserve it, after I spoke with him and my therapist, but still.
YES I can relate
Add Empath..lol..
@@JCluvr19 and then..Me too .22 years same place.Icu nurse..Empath.only child.lol
RSD is probably my greatest challenge. It explains just about every situation in my life.
I discovered RSD and RS litterally the day before yesterday, and knowing that it it's just me is so. Flipping. Validating. Even still, I can only think about it for a very small amount of time before literally choking on emotions. I've had people in my life so drastically and genuinely reject me for habits of my adhd (that I didn't know about at the time) that I went from RS to RSD. I break down frequently over an inability to ask my genuinely good friends for help sinply because I fear being rejected.
I’d literally never talked to anyone about this my whole life and had so many experiences of feeling extreme rejection that shaped who I am today. I had no idea other people felt rejection at this level. I’m actually crying a bit from the validation. Thank you for making this video :)
i feel the exact same way rn
I feel the same as well
SAME!! I ACTULLY REALLY NEEDED THIS RN CAUSE SOME OF MY FRIENDS HAVE HUNG OUT WITHOUT ME A BIT RECENTLY AND I THOUGHT IT WAS BECUASE OF ME, BUT AFTER I WATCHED THE VIDOE I MESSAGED MY FRIEND AND EXPLAINED A BUNCH AND NOW EVERYTHING IS CLEAR TO ME AND OMG IM CRYING SO MUCH
@@blaze_here7357 HEY! I had that happening to me sooooooO many times and not a single time did I handle it well before realising it's highly connected with adhd!! It TRULY helped me to rationalise the situation once I found out the reason!
Me too
When I was 11 or so I accidentally smashed a bowl at my grandma’s house and immediately became hysterical and started apologizing and crying. My grandma sat me down and asked me seriously if anyone ever hit me or punished me for breaking things, because my reaction was so alarming to her. I told her no, but it suddenly clicked that that wasn’t a proportionate reaction and other people didn’t do things like that. And, of course, I was intensely embarrassed and started worrying what she thought of me and whether she thought I was immature and incompetent. 😬😬
god yeah, the worst part is the embarrassment afterwards.
charlie Yap. Why didn’t it occur to me that worrying my grandma would think I was uncool and not wanna hang out with me anymore was also not a proportionate response, but you know. When you’re on a roll.
Same with me when I broke my parents tv on accident. But idk if I have rsd yet. I've been watching videos for the past 20 min but kept on getting distracted by trying to read the comments.
At the time I broke it apparently I was laughing crying and I didnt notice. And my dad told me to stop laughing so I was just like dang
burningthemidnightoil Even when she didn’t understand, she’s always been my favorite person.
I laughed at the end of this but I've got tears in my eyes knowing how deep and real your feelings are. Why do we feel so hard?!
My closest friends and loved ones are aware of my emotional needs and are happy to provide clarification and assurance if I find myself concerned I’m being rejected. Nothing beats asking for reassurance that everything is okay between us and then receiving feedback. It’s been very helpful.
You’re so lucky. Mine either get irritated because I’m ‘unreasonable’, or question my adulthood on the grounds of me being ‘overreacting’.
I feel like if I ask for reassurance or anything, I'm essentially coercing then into it. Like I can never trust their answer if it comes only after my prompting. Like they're just telling me what they think I need to hear so that they can get away from me and an uncomfortable situation. It's gotta come from them, no prompting, to make me feel like it has even a possibility of being genuine. But unfortunately that doesn't happen too often
I'm glad you don't deal with that, because it sucks. I hope I didn't just plant a seed of doubt or anything, I'm just sharing
@@megb4613You’re not alone. I go through with this every time 🥲
Most people really don’t care that much. Consider yourself blessed to have people like that.
I have talked to my family and my doctors as well regarding my symptoms so many times but they ignore it saying that I am fine and overthinking. I literally had to rewind and rewatch the video coz I lost track of thoughts and got distracted halfway. It's an everyday struggle. I am happy that someone is spreading awareness about ADHD
it’s baffling to me when i get in the “red”, then manage to calm down, and somehow either forget why i even got so upset, or just put it into perspective and realise it wasn’t a big deal to start with! like wow! i wish we could skip to this immediately, brain!
So true 😭 so many times I’ve been on the verge of breakdown because of something that had be building up, but as soon as it passes over it’s almost as if it never happened. The problem is when the underlying issue never gets addressed, so it happens again.
EXACTLY, and when I remember why I was upset then I'm like "oh well il handle it better next time" BUT WHEN NEXT TIME COMES I LITERALLY CRY COS I MESSED IT UP AGAIN
I didn't know this happened to others! Like, I'll have a breakdown and then it will pass and I forget and the cycle repeats..
Yesssss same, I have this problem when people don't text me back, I panic and think my message offended them somehow. I spiral and spiral and think over and over "I know this is going to feel like nothing happened as soon as they text me back, so why can't I just skip to that part?" And then sure enough, four hours later when they text me and nothing was actually wrong, my day goes back to normal. It's weird going from such a dark dark place to completely fine in an instant. Once I even took a sleep aid to make time pass faster because it was so overwhelmingly painful.
I had NO. IDEA. that this was part of having ADHD. I've dealt with this my whole life.
I thought it was just my brain being it’s own weird self and being like hahaha u got rejected your friend literally doesn’t talk to you u have nothing in common me we are the same person haha lol
Same. You're not alone. Usually it presents itself (at least in my life) as strongly wanting to please people. But that's because I'm afraid of rejection.
@@JeffHendricks same
Me neither....
I didn't even realize this is a thing! It explains soooooo much. I literally can not ask out people because i feel so inadequate after rejection...
I never knew that this was a symptom of ADHD. My constant fear of rejection finally makes a little more sense now
I just literally had a HUGE breakdown over a "rejection" that made me question everything i am. Your timing, wow
I've been there, it sucks a lot
But remember you are not alone
Stay strong
"Sometimes what feels like rejection is actually a conflict of needs."
I just wrote that down in a place I'll see it every day. Thanks so much for this video!
Isn't that the cause of rejection?
did you write it in front of your toilet
@@arnikolo2916 exactly xd
In other words, it’s rejection. That’s exactly what a “conflict of needs is”. 🙄
@@kconrad5893 Sometimes, things worded differently make you realise better. And that's okay :)
I'm writing a book about a girl struggling with ADHD, and I'm researching about it more and your videos are so helpful with it, not to mention I think I myself have ADHD. Thank you for doing this.
Might I ask what the book will/is called?
@@Raft88I don't really know yet tbh-- 😅😅 I'm thinking something like "digression"
@@lousfandom5540 cool thanks!!!
Last week, for the first time I actively asked a colleague if I could participate in their planning workshop. I only felt comfortable to do so because we have such a good relationship but even then I was apologetic in my request and asked "just to observe". She was thrilled at my request and asked me to fully participate. Not only am I glad I did it because I will be able to collaborate on something important but it built up my confidence for the whole week which has meant I haven't spiralled after my boss sent me a message on Friday pm asking for a meeting on Monday to discuss something important, usually this would absolutely upend my weekend.
Wow that's so mean sending a cryptic message and letting you stew over the weekend on it! I would go nuts!
I have to wonder if this is why I avoid socializing and when I do talk to a stranger, my head is filled with thoughts of "they think I'm weird, they don't like me, i should just leave". I also have a problem that feels similar, when I'm being taught how to do something, I get deeply anxious and have similar thoughts. I still can't drive because of it. The thought of someone watching me be bad at something... Indescribably horrifying.
Same. It’s not even funny, especially about the driving.
I'm not a doctor but that sounds like social anxiety. Maybe you could bring these feelings up to a doctor so they can help! It helped me. Wish you the best!
I feel you. I'm 39 and I've had a driver's permit since I was 16. I just haven't been able to get over that wall of awful.
@@alisonleahbernadette2844 Same just at 32. Definitely one of the most embarrassing things for me is NOT even having a license. I never feel like a real adult and get insanely insecure about dating people because of it
I feel the exact same, but i use that anxiety when learning to hold myself to a higher standard and because i notice every single mistake i make and how to avoid it. It also caused me to fail my driving test the first time because i wanted to park perfectly otherwise I'd get noted as not parking good enough and as such i ended up slightly mounting the curb.
Your story about your experiences with rejection reminds me of when I was a kid and I could not call anyone my friend until I heard them call me a friend first, even if I played with them every day. Like "I can't call them my friend because I don't know how they feel about me yet" and I didn't want the hurt of being wrong in evaluating our relationship.
I’m an adult and I still feel this way.
Yes p
Oh no, I've never seen anyone put it into words but I definitely have that fear. Like what if I was bold enough to be like "this is my friend, so and so" and they call me out in front of everyone and say "we're not friends"? I would die on the spot lol
That's why I always say I don't make friends, others befriend me. I could not possibly walk up to someone and start a conversation, what if they think I'm annoying or intrusive? So I always wait until someone talks to me first and asks for my number first and writes to me first. I will never ever make the first move.
This breaks my heart :(
This is something I struggle with. Recently diagnosed adhd at 28 and I always thought I was just crazy for being so "up tight and sensitive" Never understood why I would be so quick to be angered or upset. These are good vids and advice for anyone. Appreciate it!
I am 35 and for most of my life I had given up on acceptance from others. I also had given up on acceptance of myself and it's a wonder I chose to endure. But I have gained enough self-approval now, that I am working on letting others accept and appreciate me too. It's really hard! Because humans are so flaky or judgy. I have a hard time trusting whatsoever! It's a tragedy that I always deserved to be loved and accepted but wasn't and it wasn't just my perception! It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Self-doubt and lack of self-acceptance led to others rejecting me. It makes me think we are such animals. I've just about managed to accept that these things are a part of the human experience and to forgive and accept myself and others. It's ongoing.
I've gotten in the habit of asking someone what they meant when they say something I perceive as rejection because I know I'm prone to misunderstandings and being misunderstood.
Excellent behaviour. I’ve started doing this with my partner. And it’s helping.
I'm afraid to do that incase they think I'm picking a fight lmao
@@TheLiquidCat suggestion, clairyfy before u ask that its not to pick a fight?
@@TheLiquidCat Same, too afraid to come across as needy or weird. Wich ironically makes me needy and weird xD
I ask, what does that mean? A lot
One of my boyfriend's mantras through helping me deal with RS has been "You don't have to defend yourself against *me*." while staying calm and smiling. He really realizes that I perceive things as rejection even when they're not, and not only helps me when I think *he's* upset...but when I can't stop thinking about that thing a guy at work or a cashier told me. I'm so grateful for him.
@Rhonetta Johnson That's a negative attitude to have! We're actually getting married soon. 💖
@Rhonetta Johnson Yeah, hey...his boyfriend right here! And I don't appreciate that attitude.
Y'all just jealous. 🥰
@Rhonetta Johnson 🤣🤣
@Rhonetta Johnson When people say things like this I kind of stop thinking they're serious. Are you a joke troll? Like a parody of a conservative? 🤣
@Rhonetta Johnson I promise you God is not pleased with your rude & hypocritical responses. Do better
The fact that you addressed, (not only) the actual reality/patterns that cause the thinking, our and others contribution to it, but when it’s VALID and how to be better is something I appreciate SO much. Maybe a neurodivergent child or their caretaker will find this, understand it a bit better, and be in a space to teach someone HOW to help the child life properly. ❤
i always thought i was weird for fighting back tears when someone rejected the smallest thing. literally can go from getting a math question wrong, to infinite. ive always been a problem child when i was rejected by literally ANYONE. im happy to know that its not just me and feel much more validated :)
I thought the feeling is common. That every one felt it. Now i understand why i felt like my heart is breaking even for small issues. But instead of pleasing people, i closed up.
Yea that happens too. You're not alone. If something in this video doesn't work for you there's likely still things you can do, and just being gentle with yourself is always a good start.
No such thing as a crybaby, that's a term made up by emotionally stunted adults to bully sensitive children into becoming numb. And being sensitive isn't a bad thing, it's a form of rebellion in a world that tells us to hide our problems
(I reported the comment that I'm replying to but idk if anyone else can see it, so sorry if this makes no sense lol)
@Carb Snobler I hope you can get help for the very clear inferiority complex you have.
Look how mature this person is being, continuously making pointless derogatory comments on another human being!! Give em a gold star 🌟
@Carb Snobler I don't know why you are acting like this spread love not hate.☮️
Anyone also feel like little things set us off, but then we are extremely calm about big things?
Edit: yall r cool thank you for responding and sharing your experiences haha ❤
Edit 2 Aug 4th 2021: Still reading comments as they come up glad I'm not alone!
Edit: Feb 16th 2023 still reading your stories guys! :)
Yes. Like yesterday I went to the store and it was closed and I got so mad
Yes! It’s because with big things there’s a lot of stimulation so we actually calm down and can focus better. That’s why a lot of people with ADHD are EMS workers or Firefighters.
@@riverscappy that comment really intrest me can you share some links or info about it?
Yes! Like petty little frustrations and inconveniences that seem to add up!
@@riverscappy Interesting. I have been told that I have "a cool head in an emergency." I never made that connection. Thanks!
This is one of your most pivotal videos for me. Knowing that rejection sensitivity is a thing explains what I am experiencing and why I am having anxiety attacks. My anticipated and perceived rejection is much more significant than any actual rejection. Furthermore, I am realizing that I am rejecting myself because I feel like I am failing and not doing a quality job. When you reject yourself, it is difficult to escape the feeling of rejection.
yyyyyeeeEEESSSSSS! This is it! Being rejected feels like actual trauma, even though we know logically it shouldn't be this bad! This is connecting so many different dots in my brain!
Wait a minute. Being actually rejected is the most real trauma we humans can experience
"Adult and adolescents with ADHD are rated lower in social preference"
Ooofe, telling it like it is Jess hahahaha.
My response has to been to form an out-crowd. One of my friends got so much grief at high-school by trying to fit-in that I decided to fit-out. Not overtly rebelling against coolness but simply not playing the game (saved me a fortune in sneakers!). Even now in my fifties that still works. It especially worked at one company that had a sickening culture of cool where I was operating at my own level of not being cool but somehow not un-cool either.
Hey, it's better than "most people randomly don't like me". That's what I had in my back pocket for most of my childhood.
It makes sense to me. I have a friend with ADHD but I don't and they can drive me up the wall at times to the point that I just need to remove myself. It can be hard to interact with someone who is constantly on a different wavelength than you and you end up just wanting to be with someone who is on the same wavelength.
@@TheSpecialJ11 I understand completely. What you're describing is normal for people without the issues with social skills. I have ADHD but am also a teacher. I taught a young man with Aspergers Syndrome (not ADHD) who also had difficulty making and keeping friends, not because of rejection sensitivity but because, as you rightly put it, he was on a completely different wavelength. The small number of friends that he did have burnt out rather quickly and I decided to rotate different friends at recess and lunch, and on different days to try to stop them from burning out. It worked for a while but the small number of friends he had made it difficult to maintain. There were days when I added myself to the list or tasked other teachers to give the kids a rest. It helped that I was also on playground duty (I live in Australia where teachers do playground duty). The adults were able to manage being with him for these periods than the kids because they were able to draw on much greater reserves of patience than the kids ever could. But there would have been a limit, even for them and me. I hope this helps you understand that you're not alone and that it's okay to feel this way. Without knowing either yourself and your friend I don't want to make suggestions as to what to do. The best I can do is suggest you find a counsellor of some sort to get some ideas from.
#me 😒
I’ve always regretted or disliked that I’d not take opportunities because of being afraid of failure or rejection 😬 It’s been a challenge to overcome! Thanks for this video!!!
Its totally what we do! And I am glad you liked the video. There is more to the intensity meter. I will share more over the next week but I am so glad this helped.
Same!
I know I’m not alone in these things but sometimes it’s nice to actually see that I’m not alone in these struggles ❤️
Perché per le Pkk j
Same! Don't submit writings to be published, don't date, don't try to promote yourself for better job opportunities cause what if it doesn't work out? Sigh!
This was so helpful, thank you. I never understood the intensity of emotional pain during times of feeling rejected. My boyfriend recently broke up with me and I didn’t get a reason. Every insecurity came up for me and I felt completely paralyzed with depression, anxiety, and just withdrew while imagining every possibility of what I did wrong. I’m glad I’m not the only one who couldn’t understand what was happening to me.
As someone who was diagnosed with ADD, this makes perfect sense. I hadn't realised that this was even a thing. Being called oversensitive landed me in a bad place for years.
👁👄👁 Dr. William Dodson was my ADHD therapist (he’s retired now). Clicked on this because I remembered him talking about it, and 35 seconds in you’re talking about him. Wasn’t expecting that 😆
WOW not only have you met dodson but also was dodson your actual therapist/psychiatrist? do you have any pictures perhaps with the guy? i mean did you have an idea who the guy was (re RSD/hysteroid dysphoria specifically) when e 1st became your therapist/psychiatrist? if not then did you at least have an idea later on? (before this video of course)
@@nicbentulan It never clicked that he was so well-known, but now it seems so obvious... he was always taking notes for things to include in his book (idk if he ever published it or if he's still working on it). He was just the ADHD specialist that came up if you searched for one in Denver. Went to him for years -- though the last several months before his retirement, he hired a nurse practitioner. I always joked that "yeah, my ADHD specialist called me the poster child of ADHD..." and now that feels more -- idk what word to use. Like a kind of embarrassing badge of honor?
@@SarahIngleOfficial oh nice. thanks for sharing!
"If you're in the green, emotions are at a normal level"
Me: I think that happened to me once...
Really?
What was that like?
So I can recognize it if that ever happens to me.
@@EmeraldLavigne are you asking about the green zone feel like or the red?
Maybe it's more about what is normal for you. Or when you think most clearly.
It feel like when In the green zone you feel a sense of joyful feelings but a lot of mix feelings almost like a nostalgia but the words I like to use is "Ecstasy' it is a feelings of freshness like how you felt when you were a toddler/kid without a care or worry in the world but just pure happiness.
The red zone feel like you are completely disabled, you feel something rub against your skin that you rub or scratch against your skin whether it is your arms, legs trying to grasp to do work or trying to grasp to understand something, even if it is something simple. What causes it is being in hostile environment such as being around someone who is rude, with poor principal or a off day.
The yellow zone is you feel alright but not great, you can still function but you feel something, you feel something tense up inside of you sorta like anxiety or maybe it is anxiety, you feel rush, trap, insecure slightly that you are still able to think but not at your best than when you are in the green zone. (You don't feel 100% confidant and asserted).
That is the best way I can describe it from my experience that I struggle with alot, I am combine type and I am on disability because of it.
When I'm in the green I experience nothing major one way or the other with bipolar and I can concentrate really well without meds.
I have this episode from my early childhood where I hid in a closet from fear of my older sister finding out I had her doll. My mom looked for me for hours, frantically asking around the neighborhood if someone had seen me. I was petrified. I was 5 years old.
Don’t forget. Saying no, walking out, and hanging up or ending the video call are always an option. Don’t let anyone ever disrespect you.
In grade 3, I cried because the boy I liked called me “mellow”...
I cried at my desk for like an hour. He came up to me and asked “do you know what mellow means?”....
no, I did not.
what did you think it meant?
Oh, the ADHD irony.... 😔
I laughed out loud cuz I've had almost the exact same experience
@Carb Snobler why the *fulk* are you here?
@@Jzombi301 It hates itself and wants to try to inflict pain on others because it's parents don't love it. It is lashing out like a kid with adhd in 2nd grade who got rejected LMAO
I couldn’t even make it through this whole video. Ugh sooooo much to unpack. This cracked me wide open. I want a dog.
Dogs are really nice. They make essentially everything better.
Cat's help too. Anything fluffy that has unconditional love. Hope you can rescue a dog 🙂
Without my dogs I would probably be in a ward by now.
Get a dog. Get two dogs. Find a pack of dogs. Become the dog king:
@@carasheridan8386 yeah they're like happy machines lol.
Well well well ive got the triple! Adhd anxiety deppression!
I keep myself out of the red as im scared of myself especially my anger
I never had friends in school except a fee in HS.
I never strived myself to do anything as i was always rejected and when i wasnt whatever it never lasted.
Ive gotten to the point where even asking one of my best of friends to hang out and play games causes my anxiety to just fire up
As a kid, I didn’t have a lot of friends- I didn’t understand people’s body language/ tone of voice & most social cues. I remember coming home from school and crying everyday. So I became hyper aware of changes in people’s body language
When i took my practice driving test, my instructor was and mean started acting like i was a failure or something. After the test I sat in the car and balled my eyes out while he lectured me. It ruined my day. My mom encouraged me to brush it off because he was only a stranger. But in reality, it is the worst feeling when someone you don’t know is mad and shouting at you.
For sure! That sounds awful! I struggled with driving for years, learning from my dad. One of the most traumatic experiences we've had together, was when he ended up dragging me into the shower under cold water to "calm me down" because I was so upset I just stopped the car and run out of there into the house. I will never forget it. It was soon after my parent's divorce and while I was still a new driver practicing with my dad, he took a call from his new girlfriend. I was SO mad his attention was no longer on me while I needed him watching over. Years later I struggled with my partner who also had no patience with me driving. He finally helped me pay for a driving course. Highly recommend it! That instructor sounds terrible though. Hope you can find a kinder one and pass your test.
Mariposa Redimida thank you for sharing. I actually found a different driving test center and got a REALLY nice lady and i passed my driving test (a month ago) 😀
@@c_n_uh4796 Sweet, congrats! Different instructing style can really make a difference!
Over the years I've found that if I get repeatedly rejected by a "friend" it might be time to find a better friend. Granted that may not be easy but it has been better in the long run.
I'm 49 years old. I took a lot of years to learn to cope with this - on my own! I'm glad somebody finally made this for what it is we've been dealing with. I'm now sharing it with friends, and with those who are working with my 16 yo.
I’ve never been diagnosed and I’m 70 this year..I didn’t know it was rejection,as much as I knew I felt terrible about situations,and would Analyse them to death..Your wonderful information has-helped me enormously..♥️🇨🇦
mid 30s, no friends, never had a girl friend... this explains so much... now I think I know what to do. thank you so much from the bottom of my heart
literally same
You are not alone and you are absolutely worthy of being loved! Please don’t give up on making connections, there are always people who will love you if you give them a chance to.
i would be in the same position but i just got extremely lucky that my parents chose a neighborhood where there were kids my age right next to me and that i grew up with my entire life. if i didnt have that then i probably wouldnt have kept any friends after going to college
"but what if it really is rejection and they don't want' to play with me?"
this is one of those easier said than done self love practices, but the day i started reminding myself that people who consistently and harshly reject me are not worth chasing was the day i not only got better about controlling my sensitivity to it, but finding more people who wouldn't reject me in the first place. of course it still hurts, but it's much less of an all encompassing devastating hurt.
But does it solve the problem of being afraid people actually mean "You're a bore" when they say "Oh, I can't tonight"?
I mean, I have definitely seen "Oh, I can't" mean "Oh, I can't" sometimes, and at other times "Ew, with you? Never!"
I have seen girls lie to my daughter.
@@cnj67 in my experience, it does help. obviously it won't make it go away completely, like i said in my original comment the hurt and the fear is still there, but it is SIGNIFICANTLY lessened when you're able to find some zen in the thought of 'if this person is blowing me off, i am not obligated to chase after them'. if they're telling the truth, and they're just not free, then you will eventually hang out with them again. if they're lying, you'll find out sooner or later.
as jessica mentioned in the video, sometimes the best thing to do is be honest about your fears. for example, my best friend is a busy mom, and often that means we don't get to talk for a week or longer. she also has adhd, so reaching out/remembering to reply can be a challenge. but if the RS is hitting especially hard, i know i can message her and say "i am feeling lonely/fearful that i have upset you. can you confirm that is or isn't the case?" and likewise, she can do the same with me. 99.9% of the time the issue is that the previous messages were never seen (we mainly use discord which has been notoriously bad at showing new message notifications lately), and the .1% of the time that she is too upset or overwhelmed to talk, it's not because of me.
conversely, my trusting nature and desire to people please has led me to become friends with some truly horrible people. and even when i was trying to keep the friendship going, deep down, i knew they didn't like me or didn't have my best interests at heart. it is SO HARD to let these toxic friendships go, but the more comfortable you are with knowing not everyone is going to be your forever friend, and that this is not a reflection of your self worth, the easier it is to let the duds go, and make room for people who genuinely appreciate you (and your brain).
i am also 28 years old, and it took me until just 2 years ago to really and truly settle into this paradigm, which i had actively been trying to work on since i graduated high school. the path was long and stumbling, and honestly i still don't think i'm perfect at it, but it is so genuinely worth it to try. i hope your daughter can find a method that works for her.
That's why it's also important to practice self compassion/acceptance when you're at green. When I'm at red, I often go back to my old self hating mantras without meaning to. Then when I'm at yellow or green again I feel fine.
Any advise on how to convince a young child of this concept? I hate seeing my 5yo and 10yo chase after these horribly toxic "friends". Nothing I've said about it so far has really hit home for them yet.
I had a view years in school where i had this mindset that i needed a single best friend at school to hang out with. The day i let that go was the day that everything got better
Ironically, my go-to strategy to - later this day - go from green to yellow instead of red was watching this video. Also I noticed something very interesting: Charisma on Command gave the exact same advice to eliminate the word "rejection" from your vocabulary, albeit for apparently different reasons.
This whole video had me crying. This hit waaaay too close to home....
Now i have something to reference to the people around me to explain them, why i always kinda unwantedly end up in tears when (in their perception) seemingly nothing happened...
Thank you for this video!
i have borderline personality disorder and adhd and when i feel rejected it feels like the world is crashing down around me. it makes me feel so deeply upset i can’t even put it into words. thank you for this video!! not enough people know about adhd rejection sensitivity
Me too❤️
@Carb Snobler I hope you learn to spread love not hate. ☮️
@Carb Snobler Nice job describing your funeral baldy.
@Carb Snobler you are a grown man, please do something more worthwhile than abusing people online
@Carb Snobler what was your intention? how exactly did you want to make other people feel?
Something I recently learned (at the age of 69) was that when I'm feeling attacked or rejected I say something like "this is making me feel x or y". It usually triggers a responce from the other person like "No I didn't mean that. I ment x or y". It helps me clarify things incase I'm overreacting or getting sensitive to a comment from someone. Amazingly it helps me.
That's so important. I just learned something too. Thank you
YOU ARE SO BRAVE! This was gutwrenching to watch and imagine your experiences, I can't even think of how hard this was to share. Thank you for being willing to do something so hard to help us strangers.
I am not rejection-sensitive or adhd, but I know people who are. As such, I am glad I found this, its helpful to understand a little more about how rejection sensitivity works.
THANK YOU! I never knew other people went through this. I obsess with stuff like this for years after the fact. Late at night, I can't sleep because of casual mistakes I made decades ago that no one else remembers. I honestly thought I was the only one!
Ray Ceeya Yeah I feel you I just feel like I always am stupid in social situations and I constantly think about stupid stuff I’ve done that no one probably remembers anymore
Ray Ceeya, just know that you're not alone in this. I replay scenarios and conversations from decades ago when I'm in my darkest times. Sometimes it takes days to find my way back from that point.
Yes! I am constantly reliving embarrassing moments in my life, even though no one else remembers.
Aw, that's really difficult to deal with. I do, too! And I feel so guilty about everything because I don't want to hurt people's feelings!
I genuinely thought this sort of experience was my own fault, that I was just an emotional mess and that because of it no one would ever stick around. The fact that it has words and explanations and something I can understand logically floored me.
You aren't the only one. For me that comes from constantly being gas lit and invalidated
Sammmeee I had an entire emotional break down earlier today because of this exact reason. Somehow RUclips got my back 😂 this made me feel a lot better
Totally agree I just thought it was me and have lived with it 51 years.
Thank you so much for this. I'm crying at the moment, remembering the times I was rejected at school as a child. It's so nice to know that someone is there to support me.