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I Don’t Know How to Build Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 13 авг 2024
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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00:00 - Intro
00:14 - Meeting Ginko
00:48 - Friendship overview
08:05 - Conflicts with relationships
20:09 - Observing social connection
26:44 - Be patient with yourself
35:39 - Looking back to recent past
39:44 - It ain't easy being human
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![Gunna - today i did good [Official Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/ulGLk8TaXcI/mqdefault.jpg)
Listening to the vid right now and hearing that bit of "I dont know how to talk unless I have a specific thing to talk about and I cant just drop in and rant" - that is so relatable, wow. Cant wait to listen to the rest of the vid
Just btw, this is also very common in people with Autism, especially if you are high functioning you might come up with things to talk about ahead of time so nobody else notices and you think it's normal (because nobody can see your doing it and doesn't mention it therefor). Just a thing to bear in mind essapelly if you didn't get opportunities to socialise as a kid like this women did and you have other symptoms of ASD. Often ASD is most obvious in children because it's obviously a neurodevelopmental thing and not a 'skill issue' as it sometimes can be.
So why don't people all just rant about their things, or agree on a topic to discuss and find some insight and understanding? The problem is nobody wants to talk! They're all hiding in their shell
@@Dimitris_Half No, my friends admit they put away their phone and don't check messages for a day or two, they don't reply to messages. They ignore conversations about life, anything involving thinking. They just snuggle with their new girlfriend or wife instead of having conversations with friends.
I've found what works for me is the Dale Carnegie approach, just try your hardest to get other people to rant about their specific thing, ask questions and be interested, and then hope they give time to have you talk about your specific thing. Eventually the conversation will just naturally end up going somewhere else. Or you can just talk with someone who will talk your ear off, and chime in every now and then. Like my closest friend right now is that way.
@@littleferrhis I don't even care about talking about my own thing, aside from steering the conversation to get the information I want out of people. I want to know what people think, how they see the world. I just want to listen to understand people's views on things. And then some friends way, why do you care so much about what people think? Just live in your own bubble, your own mind is the only thing that matters. That's essentially condoning a hermit life. So that's what we've come to in this modern hyperconnected society.
I actually laughed out loud at "do your parents have friends"
My mom only talks to her family, my dad doesn't even do that.
Same.
Same ._.
Same :/
But we can do better than our parents !
@@TheCedarFresh that's why I am in celibacy.
@@quitetheordinaryguy1195 the fact that the first thing that came to my head was "you get no bitches" tells me i need to get off tiktok
Dude. I feel this so much. I'm super introverted, so the idea of hanging out with people is always like "Ugh. I'd much rather just do my own stuff by myself." But it's frustrating because avoidance will always affect relationships that I might not necessarily don't want to damage. There is a little bit of anxiety there for sure, but I can still socialize pretty darn well. The desire just isn't there.
As an "INFJ" I feel exactly the same way. Crave connection yet want to be left alone.
For me it's more like "the desire is there, just not strong enough to get me to take action"
i relate to all of these 😭
i often question, do i really need to reach out to friends? or am i good as i am right now, not really doing things with friends or even talking to them often? and then i fear that maybe i do, and what if i'm too lonely, maybe i should just reach out. then i think, but why aren't they reaching out to me? rinse, repeat.
i wish somebody would tell me the answers..
@@maimairocks when i reach out to mine they don't carry on the convo or don't want to for eg want to play video games and i hate it, i have a bff and bf and dont get me wrong both are amazing people but i lowkey crave more people too, but at the same time idk if i really want to go through all the effort, time and money
@@WanderTheNomad I only feel the desire to connect with someone when i watch my tv shows at night alone on the sofa. Just to watch it with someone and experience it together.
8:16 When they said “I don’t want to do anything that gets me closer to them” man I FELT THAT. For me it’s a tendency to procrastinate on things that cause me stress which leads me ignore my friends for weeks on end and KNOWING I need to make a change but not putting enough effort to actually do so. *Trauma dump* I feel bad for my friends they’re very sweet people but instead of trying to strengthen our friendship I push them away so they don’t have to deal with my bs. I hope to push myself more out of my comfort zone and learn to be better in a relationship so I can be more reliable to the people I care about.
By pushing them away, you're making them deal with your bs.
@@terminaldeity how so?
@@v-spirituality because the friends usually are pushed away without knowing why in these scenarios. The inconsistency of behavior can confuse or even hurt the friends.
Yeah both of you are right. I’m trying to be better now with contacting my friends so they don’t think I’m ignoring them and stuff. Appreciate y’all sm for the advice 🙏
I'm fighting this exact feeling right now. Ngl it's really hard, at times confusing and even scary, but it gets easier with time and so far nothing bad has come from trying to get closer to my friends. I wish you strength in this process, we'll get there someday :)
Just a minute ago I wrote an unconditional apology to a recently ex-ed friend, I drove her away with my insecurities and paranoia about her interest in the friendship. Even though she wants nothing to do with me, I'm beginning to treat it as a learning opportunity.. Be a better friend, and moreover be less insecure. This is an insane coincidence!
me too 😳, so relatable
Sounds awfully familiar, except I would be the friend.
Same, kind of, I had a relationship like that that a ruined in every conceivable way and it ruined me emotionally afterwards, I don't have any ability to hit on girls or accept having too close female friends because of it. I'm learning to pretend and work around my hangup, but I've realised what I want in life will likely never happen because Im incapable of feeling it. I learned poorly, slowly, and became worthless from it. All I can do is let go.
How does one let go?
Growing up in high school, I would socialize with all of the different circles but I did not attach myself with a specific one. Not much has changed now.
I can relate to that. I have learned that in the attempt of getting along with everyone out of fear for rejection by ANYONE, I have never allowed myself to display my full authentic character, always reducing it down to a minimally provocative version of myself that everybody should like. As such, connections were not able to pass a certain depth threshold. If this resonates, learn to show your colors and enjoy the incredible effect of people who do and do not like you sort themselves out magically. If this doesn’t resonate, it’s just something that I personally haven’t experienced and good luck to you!
29:00 you got me really emotional when you said that we are filling a bit of our void by listening to her .... because it's so true T.T she reminds me of myself two years ago.... these last two years I had the opportunity to "train" my social abilities and I must say it DOES WORK. Putting in the effort, vulnerability , being ok with facing difficulties... DOES PAY OFF.
So what did you do exactly to train your social abilities?
@@dusanstojsin4938 hi, first I went into cognitive and behavioral therapy with a licensed psychologist. I went because of something else, but turns out everything is linked. It helped me have another perspective on myself and the others, and allowed for easier, less anxious social situations. I was happy I could afford it. After that I started working as a waitress and bartender, and well.... It's a job you have to go to if you want to keep it, and I needed the money, so I couldn't avoid it (unlike high school or even college). I live in France and people's humour here is a bit special, at first I was somewhat awkward but after a few months of not missing work and getting in the vibe it got real better. Then I joined a couple organizations and got involved, it helped me have a sense of community and friendship in a town where I knew noone at the beginning.
I hope it clarifies my previous comment ^^
I want to add : i didn't make like LIFE CHANGING AMAZING FRIENDS in the past two years. I mostly got more comfortable forming light, superficial relationships with colleagues and clients, or with anyone new. I also now understand better that a deep, sustained friendship recquires quite heavy efforts that i'm just not willing to make for a lot of people. I have my boyfriend, a childhood bestfriend , and like two good friends. In France we make a difference bewteen "un ami" (a really good friend) and "un pote" (someone you like and you might see often but not necessarily bond with). I needed to be ok with having "des potes" but not making new "amis" everywhere i go.
Sorry if i'm off topic, i can't recall exactly what was said in that video.
This resonates with me so much. I'm 21 and just like the guest, I didn't have the parental support that I needed. The socializing. Even so, I was told by my mother that I don't need friends, and by my grandpa that all my friends will leave me after they married. I became soo anxious after that. And discovered what I think of friendships. That my friends were there for me more than my family ever, and that I want to expand my friend circle, build genuine connection, feel understood, share experiences etc. It means a lot to me. It is like I am starting from behind, but nothing is impossible.
So this video came at the perfect time, I feel less alone just by listening to it. Even so, I feel motivated:D
Your friends all suddenly disappear once they get married. They stop replying to messages, maybe popping up online once a week to say oh hey sorry, missed your messages, was busy with my partner. Fuck them. Everyone disappears.
My mom gave me a whole book about how you don't need friends. I was blown away.
I don't think parents understand that. They'd rather you do well in school. That's important. Stuff outside friendship is important. Don't let friends ruin other stuff.
But some people, even ones with friends, don't get it. Maybe cause they make friends easy or a lot or think of them as transitory.
Edit:
Like my mom has a best friend since college that she sometimes calls her sister. That's why her being so lifelong dismissive about friendships is odd to me.
Really surprised how self-aware, holistic, and mature Ginko is at 20. I didn't reach that level of awareness until years after my undergrad. Hope Ginko is able to move forward. Slowly keep pushing those boundaries one tiiiiiny step at a time. Trust me, it's doable with time, patience, and playing around with the small (sometimes anxious at times) steps you take. This was a great conversation.
This entire conversation is exactly what I’ve been going through. Like verbatim, I did not know that other people felt like this. It kinda felt like the convo was with me
Update: Hey all, it's a month later and I'm glad to say that I've made some actual friends who enjoy talking to me! Though I still have trouble understanding how to hang out with people and knowing what places to go in order to socialize outside of school, I think I've made a lot of progress.
I now know how to do most platonic physical gestures like hugging, and have become pretty much unafraid of it at this point. I am running DND games weekly. I'm understanding how sexual relationships work and have been going on dates (still a kissless virgin, but at the very least, I *understand* the theory behind intimate stuff now, something which most people pick up through osmosis, such as how most of it is usually *nonverbally communicated*. opened up about my struggles with this once to a friend, which was nice.)
Right now I'm learning how to ask for help from other people (HARD) and am internalizing that there are people who would eagerly want to hang out with me and that when they don't, it is entirely out of my control. I'm also finding it easier to open up to people (after doing it once, being slightly more than the "extremely funny monotone guy" became easier as well). Also, am trying to be comfortable with silence (beforehand I thought I needed to fill it with jokes or anything in order for someone to like me) Anyways I have midterms to study for so cya!
Same here
She articulated herself so well and I completely am in her boat right now.
Keep at it friend. I don’t have this particular situation, but surely I can attest to what they‘ve been saying at the end: Things can change so much, you’d be surprised.
Me too. It’s a little bit validating knowing I don’t suffer with this alone.
Same here. I want to connect with people so much, I want to just be able to talk freely and laugh and create relationships, but I dont know how. Im too much in my head and feel like everything I say is disingenuine, just to fill the silence. Talking feels like a job, not a joy I hate it.
"I was never close with them, I just didn't know it"
Wow, that really helps put in perspective a lot of issues I've been going through recently with 'losing' friends.
To Ginko,
My friend, thank you so much for your vulnerability here. It took true strength and you shouldn't downplay that. Please rest assured that you ARE helping people, across all ages and spectrums that hear and relate to you, and you ARE INSPIRING🖤
Blessings and progress to you friend~
❤❤❤
Wow this is incredibly relatable. I also grew up with parents who weren't very social themselves. I think it really affected me. When I went away to college at 21 I had a lot of trouble establishing relationships and talking to people when I didn't have anything immediate to discuss. Really looking forward to hearing more, and maybe talking to my therapist about it in the future. It's weird because people at work describe me as very sociable, but it's only because it's easy for me to interact with people when we work together.
i would say it's epidemic of our times, ppl are so focued on goals that forgot how to just have fun together. Now it's always doing something like colaboration or challange. Plus general lack of time, stress, anxiety made ppl expect schedule and goals even in free time. In result we have like 0 casual talks, or simple care of each other. Plus ppl are so catatonic of this, or mental isolated they don't have energy to think about others, even close ones. So ppl claim to like each other but stay separate, won't do anything if u not say so. Being for someone is not energy efficient anymore. Just trade of services in zombie mode
I agree so much. I only have like 1 or 2 actual close friends these days due to it. I just want to goof around with others. Be a human being, not a human doing.
yup! i work in the service industry and most of my clients are so cool but always busy with work. to live. & its easier to keep their current relationships. sighhh
I would add that people would meet only if they have a goal in mind... Very often. So I decided to take the time to take care of myself and if people like me its fine and if not its fine too
Title couldn't be more accurate. 20years old, havn't been anywere near one. Decent physical shape, decent studies. Just clueless. Actually I have friend . I didnt understand it that way
@@Dimitris_Half and money lol. depending on where in the world you live. lots of people are locked into areas that are isolated and without transportation. those things cost lots of money that 99% of the human species does not have..
@@Dimitris_Half i think his point is if u live in a 2000 ppl village and dont have the money to get somewhere else regularly your odds of finding a partner are pretty low even with good social skills, if you reword your sentence to "mostly about social skills" i would fully agree with you tho
@@saturationstation1446 tip: use feet.
I mostly had my friends in the same town I lived in. When I had a bike, I mostly traveled between neighbouring towns.
It was until I hit higher education where the friends were separated into true friends and hangout friends. The true friends are few, countable on 1 hand but I still have contact with them for around 15 - 20 years. Others I only speak when I when I coincidental see them but I lost contact with most of them since we go our own ways as we grew older.
@@davidmat4264 Why not find one among your own town?
@@Dimitris_Half dude I can't find anyone in >700k city what are talking about? I mostly get swiped right by girls I don't find that attractive and the ones I am attracted to mostly don't respond
I didn't realize that this described me until literally everything this girl said hit a big nerve. I never considered the fact that I've never had forming positive, functional friendships modeled to me. I'm actually a bit stunned.
This really hit home for me, really accurate to me.
Though this does make me greatful to live in a country with good public transport and bicycle infrastructure so I can get places without a car (even if I dont do that often)
Loneliness and things like social anxiety have become hot topics, especially for younger people. But I've never heard a perspective quite like the one this talk has framed, and yet it really does resonate and hit home.
Shit like not being able to get a feel for even what relationship building is from a young age, factors that are out of your control which control your life, and getting to an age where you're just starting to utilize your own agency; at this point, you're feeling super frustrated because on one hand you're old and mature enough to be aware of your problems but can't seem to bring yourself to fix them. On the other, it really is a product of circumstances and you're still going through trial and error, making mistakes and ending up with a lot of disappointment. It almost feels like you're just starting the tutorial after everyone's already at the mid game.
All of it makes everything feel often overwhelming--"Why couldn't I have just grown up normally?". The idea of patience with yourself throughout this journey is sound, but we also don't want to live with that shame or loneliness any longer.
Extremely insightful talk. Props to the guest for being so genuine.
I'm going through the exact same thing as you!! The only difference is that I am seeing the results of my hardwork after more than a year. Believe in yourself, you'll fill that void slowly but surely! And yes, listening to your story fills my void too :))
"I've worked with people like you before, I'm talking about freshmen college students specifically, where they grew up in households where there weren't many social opportunities, they really struggle freshman year. By the time they're sophomore they have friends, sometimes have romantic relationships, they have mentors, they have people who care about them and are invested in them. Because when someone is like you are, and tries, and is very genuine... because this is the thing people are going to get behind you. And when you say "how am I supposed to fix this?" You're not. But you won't be alone. So like you can't learn to socially adapt reading books in a room, but you don't need to take the full responsibility. Because thankfully the world is a place where when people try, a lot of people will support you. And I think because of things like geography you just haven't had that chance yet. And if you grew up in a situation where people were supposed to support you or weren't able to because they had challenges and things like that, it's like I understand that you'd think that people won't support you. But the kindness of strangers is a powerful thing. And like I'm optimistic that in two years you will be in a very different place, if you just keep doing what you're doing. So for now I would encourage you to be patient with yourself, how does that sound?"
"Careful ginkgo, if you keep talking like that you're going to inspire people. You can't be going around giving people faith!" Just by being open
"People confuse me, but you've studied them for years and talked to them for hours" "actually ginkgo I'm not that hard to understand, I actually don't think we're that different. Where I am now is because I kept doing what you're doing. I actually think you're doing a better job" haha so wholesome
"Give it a shot and we'll meet you halfway"
To know Others, Know Yourself
Be Vulnerable
Evaluate When you get bad vibes from someone
It always takes TWO in a relationship
Its all about Delivery: be honest but be kind and pleasant when saying it
I have hard time becuase the I meet in my area tend to not understand me when I am vurnerable. It ends up as more questions that I have hard time communicating. While I have found others online who I don't I feel like that with Im oceans or deserts apart.
Putting this on a poster
Thank you so much for this comment, I needed to see this
This one was really painful. I relate a lot to what was said, extremely so with that kind of matter-of-fact tone in voice, it really feels like something is broken and it's way too late to do something about it. I hope I can mimic that interviewee in putting the suicidal period behind me.
Speaking from experience, I‘ve repeatedly been proven wrong on the thought that „things will not improve, how could they possibly?“ Sometimes improvements come by really unexpectedly and your whole perspective shifts. I suggest therapy and treating yourself well, especially when you don’t feel like deserving it. You do.
@@NikHem343 The books are closed for the year; I'm waiting for the 5th clinic. I've been in therapy for about 5 years now. I'm high-functioning so I do stuff 'for myself' a lot but none of it sticks. At this point I'm just flailing for anything to work but I gotta wait till next year before another case of "maybe this time It'll work". I don't have much hope left to spare.
Sorry for the gloomy response.
@@99sins Gloomy response is totally fine, great you're honest. I sound like Dr. K, but really that sounds tough. If we're on the subject of too late to change, may I ask how old you are?
@@NikHem343 30 going on 31 this year. For the sake of clarity: I meant the "too late" in terms of those problems having crystalized too much and formed too many 'loopholes' to meaningfully be able to impact beyond just suddenly getting lucky in life (which is something I don't have much hope for).
And even then I feel like I won't accept/appreciate it if/when it happens due to my issues.
@@99sins I'm gonna be 30 this year, as well. And I get your perspective. I firmly believe, though, that it is not too late. You are working on it hard, which is great. And as long as you're working on it and even tiny progress is happening, there will be breakthroughs. Maybe things won't completely solve themselves, but they might become manageable.
Remember, hopelessness itself can be a symptom. I certainly know that.
Dude this made me tear up with recognition from the get-go bc this is EXACTLY what I've been struggling with for YEARS. Also kudos to Ginko for recognizing this issue within themself so young. It took me till 23 lol, not that it's a race or anything. I'm just genuinely impressed. I'm excited to watch the rest of this and hopefully come away with solutions/a new perspective ❤
I wish I could tell her that I feel exactly the same way. I didn't do well a few years ago, am in college now and I have trouble forming relationships. My parents don't have close friends outside if their partnership and I didn't notice I missed the social skills untill I didn't see people narurally everyday. I wish her and everyone in the comments the best! It's hard, but together we will be fighting on!
This hit home quite hard for me. I have been diagnosed with ADHD and Schizoid PD and I always felt like I was lagging behind everyone else my age. I knew that I “needed friends” but no matter how hard I tried to form friendships I felt like I was just being pushed away for no reason. I tried changing myself and sadly for me it never really worked out. Even though I don’t have any close friends (people are usually stuck in acquaintance-mode as I like to call it) I still try my best to smile and greet people whenever I’m outside of my home. I do so in hopes of feeling a bit closer to people and society as a whole and to inspire people to do the same. No matter how much we want to be alone at times we can’t say that we don’t need other people.
Good luck with everything Ginko. And good luck to everyone
"I still try my best to smile and greet people whenever I’m outside of my home. I do so in hopes of feeling a bit closer to people and society as a whole and to inspire people to do the same." This spontaneously made me tear up so hard. I know this situation all too well. Thank you for sharing that, it makes me feel not as lonely. Much love :)
Damn thanks Ginko for calling in I’ve been feeling like this for a long time and it feels good to know I’m not the only one feeling these things
Honestly can relate to so much of this as a guy close to mid 20s with lack of social skills and no relationship experience. And its reassuring to know that a lot more people are going through same stuff even though your brain says otherwise so yeah this was really interesting
Also, I thought this person sounded like JaidenAnimations
Dr. K was right, that was some dangerously inspiring stuff from Ginko at the end. Hearing someone be so open about their struggles and their attempts to improve really does inspire similar feelings in others. Just hearing about how someone is capable of building a better future little by little makes it seem all the more possible to do so myself, and I can all but guarantee I am not the only one feeling this way. Thank you both for this video.
I am seriously impressed by Ginko and this entire video. I admire people who are able to believe that things will get better and that their hard work will lead somewhere. For some reason I am absolutely incapable of believing in that.
You know how you level up your friendships? Offer support.
If a friend complains about a shit day or a breakup or anything, reach out afterwards. Can I buy you coffee and you can vent or can I bring some dinner so you have 1 less thing to worry about?
No expectations, just be the friend you'd like to have.
Damn she's exactly like me lmao. However, what helped me out was to go work in a restaurant where I was forced to interact with people and learn social skills. It won't work for everyone but if you can handle stress then you will slowly get better.
the guest is more well spoken and observant than most people who are ten to twenty years older lol. i hate that we make life so hard for people who are clearly ready and able to contribute in a positive way to society and just be a general net positive asset to society. i hate that we are so wasteful with our best human capital because we are afraid that ending poverty might also help less capable/well intentioned people.. this kinda triggered some real bad memories/feelings for me tbh
poverty is a mindset. unless you where wronged. and even then you have to get back up on the horse.
@@iworkforwendys me after making 10$ mowing the lawn for my parents
@@iworkforwendys stupid sigma-grindset ass mfer over here
Lol @13:24 I love how raw that came out. But u said it in a funny way 😂
Dr K videos are always perfectly timed. Making friends as an adult is so hard 😅
Talk to people. Open up about who you are, share your thoughts and feelings. Chase away all the people who don't care, and eventually the cool ones remain, clearly visible.
This was so absolutely amazing. I love the caller's mind! She is doing awesome!! I am going to listen to this again in a few days, absolutely. I was reminded of me, and now I feel so much compassion for my 20 year old self. I am 41 now. I wonder if it's possible to really grow without so much doubts at the beginning, without that sort of anger for not knowing enough. Maybe it's required to be confused in order to become happier humans.
I were looking for some kind of advice on how to build depth relationships. But instead I get hope. It's like "You have to be patient. It's shitty but you are on the way".
Im sorry eric. They cant give us solutions because they want us to treat the problems without proper steps to recover. They cant have us knowing how to fix the problems because then we dont need therapist or a system that wants to see us burn. Be true to urself most people will shrug u off but trust me its better off alone then to have the maggots and flies feasting off our corpse.
@@socialrejects2930What would be your solutions or who do you suggests actually provides them?
Keep going girl. Just keep going. When it gets too much, just focus on the present. The future and the past can wait. This made me tear up a little bit!😄
I always find Dr.K videos to help with us INTP issues the most. Other personalities can have these issue too but it resonates the most with the struggles I had to figure out in life.
Yup I'm also an intp and he does the same thing in my life.
i resonated a lot as enfp and was thinking she gives me enfp or intp vibe
This all INTP stuff is just bullshit. No psychiatrist is using that
Ginkgo is lowkey very funny. They have a great personality.
I relate so hard. In my life I’ve had like 2 friends. I’ve always had the feeling that every single person I meet hate me or think I’m annoying. Even with people I’m friendly I still have that feeling. I met this girl in highschool who’s great and I try to keep in contact, but I’ve still not opened up completely and I wish we could be closer
Dear Ginko, thank you for sharing your story. You have no idea how much comfort it brings me. I'm in a similar spot where I'm doing a little better than I was before but my social competence is in its infancy and I've been feeling very hopeless by the way things are going. I think you're amazing! Thank you Dr. K, the man that you are!!!
Rooting for you Ginko!
This really helps. I can relate a lot and thank both of you guys :)
Her describing growing up with extreme avoidance is bang on. I've never related to something so personal before haha
Ginko said "let me think for a second" it was about time someone did it.
I was almost sure K will protest "hey that's my catchphrase"
Oh, I love it when others get positively excited about a topic and I can sense how much it means to them. Dr K's happiness at the end of the video really made my day. :D
Ginko is high-key awesome. I hope she's doing really well a year on, she sounds and speaks as a really cool person to be around.
OMG GINKO I was basically raised by my nana too growing up. My mom worked 40+ a week as a single mom.
It was so embarrassing growing up and constantly hearing "Why don't you talk?!"
I literally didn't know how because I was conditioned to fear other people or feel guilty about interacting with other people from my parents as a kid
I remember asking my mom one day if I could hang out after school. She looked at me and went, "YOU have friends?" Then looked away disgusted. I felt like there was something wrong with me. After some personal development work I realized she was jealous of me leaving her and would try to plant guilt in me in order to keep me from individuating
I have gotten better socially and have friends now but her voice always haunts me where I feel ppl secretly hate me. Or I tend to clam up when I try to share stories etc. It's hard to shake.. I hate her for it
wow, this video is really hitting right when i need it. i never considered how my parents' friendships/relationships (or lackthereof) influenced my own approach to forming relationships. we never had anyone over, not my friends and not any family friends (side affects of a family member being a hoarder), i was always the one being invited over to things by others. part of my recent revelation with trying to socialize is that i can't just wait for people to come up to me and invite me to stuff, i have to go out and start conversations myself, which is an entirely new skill ive had to learn, and still struggle with. interesting stuff.
This girl sounds smart as hellllllll she would be fun to hang out with
The experience described here feels very similar to my own. My mom organized a LOT of playdates, however I've always had trouble fitting in (pretty sure I'm autistic, so that may be why) and on top of that we moved countries 4 times at two-year intervals (when I was 6, 8, 10 and 12), and more often even than even that for schools. Apart from people in my family, I have just been incapable to get close to anyone on the long term during my childhood because of that. Trying to learn to do it now is thus particularly hard :(
Edit: And the few family members I grew close to apart from my parents I have always only seen during holidays. They still live fairly fad away. And here I am today, getting separation anxiety from my parents bc I feel like I'll have no more love supply without them and not knowing how to replicate what I have now with my cousin, whom I have miraculously formed a connection with after nearly two decades of knowing each other (and the connection has only felt deep and well-rooted for a few years...)
This brought up a lot of old feelings especially from my first year at university. Three years on I am in a better place. I have friends now. I just hope I can grow as close to them as I need do.
I really needed this video. It’s so relieving to hear that I’m valid for feeling broken. And it’s so reassuring to hear that just by trying, I can change my destiny. Like Ginko, I’ll try to be patient. And I’ll keep trying.
Over halfway through, and the tears have not stopped. I felt every word in my soul... I relate so hard to this person's story...
Its so nice to hear someone say the words to the feelings I've been having but haven't found the words to explain it.
I have the same wish for a social skills class 😵 I resonated with that so much. I feel like I missed the days ppl learned all their social skills and that I'm way behind my peers. My therapist says I'm not as far back as I feel, but that didn't really change how I feel?
I so relate. I work from home and most of my interactions are just from buying food or neighbors. I don’t know if there is meetup in their area but that’s how I found my best friend. It’s based off common interests so that helps a lot.
I identify with pretty much every sentiment you have ginko. Making friends/building relationships is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life.
Stay strong
"I can talk, I can talk to people. I'm talking right now!" This guest is goated with the sauce, I love it.
I feel the frustration with wanting for the hurt to go away with loneliness, really nice talk, related with most of what ginkgo said and felt.
car dependent areas suck, especially for those who don't drive. they're basically prisoners in their own house unless they're willing to walk or bike way too far in dangerous traffic that's not designed for pedestrians and cyclists.
I'm 21 and damn, I totally relate to Ginko. I'm taking steps, doing what I should to get better but I want to be better now and each day where I don't have someone I can connect with beyond a superficial level suuuucks man
Thank you Ginko for your willingness to share yourself like this. I feel like you're me 15 years ago when I was a college freshman. 💜🙏 I resonate 100% with what you said about "when vulnerability is expected, I do just fine." My friendships and social spaces have to include vulnerability otherwise I feel like I can't breathe there.
I feel the same way, the way she articulated her feelings is amazing. I wish I could do that
I've read and watched sooo much stuff about anxiety and depression and loneliness over the years, but this is the first time I've found something that felt relatable. I've been working with all that not-fully-relevant info and ended up in more or less the same place ginko has, landed at the same conclusions. even their voice sounds a lot like my voice which is kinda funny
feels nice I guess
29:26
I don’t know if the person will read this
But I feel same. Your experiences helping me push forward. I don’t have any friends atm. Preparing for a test all alone. No friends from past 1 year or so.
Failed my test to enter the college and trying again. I can only give it 2 times. All stressed out. Sometimes I just feel empty asf. Still I try my best just like you.
I don’t let myself slip into despair and excuses. Let’s fucking face this. It’s an experience. I see myself as a sword. I have to get forged in fire to shine and slay my problems in future.
Be the fucking katana.
Thanks ginko (hope that’s the spelling)
this has been the first two way HG convo video i've REALLY enjoyed - Ginko being so well articulated helps a ton but also the content matter is great
I’ve been dealing with this for almost 8 years, and it’s become increasingly stressful recently. I’m going to college next year and am terrified it’ll continue.
Hearing Ginko(?) speak, I relate too much... I also can initiate a superficial something, but maintaining any relationship (frienship or romantic) feels impossible to me.
I suck at maintaining contact, I rarely text -if ever-, I don't even use social media besides Discord (and that's mainly for talking with my siblings!), I avoid being vulnerable and talking about myself if possible, and I basically expect people to get tired of me not contacting them and leaving me. Almost like I'm setting myself up to fail...
Oh well :'v lots to work through ig
This is how I felt until my mid to late 20s, and I didn't have anyone to talk to about it back when I was in my late teens. I just thought I was broken. The internet has made people more isolated, but at the same time it's a blessing that now we have resources like Dr. K's streams online to deal with this.
This is exactly what I've been going through. I have no idea what the strength of my relationships are, and even though I'm doing everything I can to connect with my friends, I still feel as though there's the possibility of it breaking on short notice. It's awful ;--;
I feel this i felt my guard couldn't go down to talk more other than speaking when spoken too and small talk was fine, but i feel there is nothing i have to offer anyone on that level because i dont have it within me, forced myself to work in retail for many years hoping that exposure would help but if anything it made it worse
16:40 - "Did you see your parents go out and meet new people?" Haha no, half the time they don't even like the friends they already have
I struggle with initiating things, and I also don't know how to end conversations or relationships that I want to leave
I think trying to start communicating little by little will make it easier for you to formulate your thoughts + tackle issues easier and faster
Same here. I want to connect with people so much, I want to just be able to talk freely and laugh and create relationships, but I dont know how. Im too much in my head and feel like everything I say is disingenuine, just to fill the silence. Talking feels like a job, not a joy I hate it.
The guest is so intelligent and thoughtful! If I would've known at my 20 what he knows at his, my life would be way different! But, hey, it's never too late, right? Best of luck in your journey, friend! I'm sure you will make it!
I reaaaaally needed to hear this today and I'm in my mid 30s struggling with friendship lol thanks Dr K and Ginko ^^
Gosh, the title is exactly the thing I was worrying about, can't wait to watch it, thank you so much!
"something is wrong with me."
That part fucking got me. Ditto.
Me and my friends just hang out and talk shit all day.
Occasionally mixed in with sharing silence.
It's nice when everyone's comfortable with that.
That was so helpful❤thank you both
Fam this is the hyper specific situation I've been willing to get talked about that I can relate to.
thank you so much for this, i felt truly understood :c
This video was something else
I really needed it
Thank you very much for being open Ginko, I'm sure you'll get there and also everyone who shares the same feelings I really recognized myself in your speech and it's nice to see that we can move forward
Dr K, you're a legend man, keep going, every vids are interesting and you don't know how much people you're helping
Love from France 💙(I'm even improving my english thanks to you)
This is it. This is my experience and my feelings. Thank you, Ginko, for putting this into words better than I ever could. It's getting more and more difficult to remain patient but thank you for reminding me to hold on to hope.
My dad always was the nice warm guy welcoming people to our house likes to talk to his family and doesn’t take grudges even if he has the right to .. asks shop keepers about their day like he knows them for long social butterfly to the fullest .. my mom however, always likes to keep to herself doesn’t like to get in friendships and gossip because she didn’t have the time to working 9-5 the more i got older the more i saw her become more closed in which made her only trust her own beliefs and that she sees herself always right making it hard to even discuss anything with her .. the point is i got both of my parents sides within me the i want to depend on myself not trusting too many people like my mom while wanting to be loved and love others and let people help me and help em like my father and im trying to balance both sides because i can see where each can work as a strength in the long run .
This is definitely one of the most relatable segments of Dr. K I’ve watched. It’s sad so many people in these comments also relate to it. Talking to people and forming connections is an incredibly difficult thing to do. It’s a very lonely life
I am amazed how similar of an upbringing I had except my dad was insane. Took me hitting rock bottom after 29 years of winging it on emotional intelligence to where I finally reached out for help.
thank you ginko and dr. k....
thank god interviews are back❤️
look man im amazed at how often i be thinking shit and then i pull up youtube and within the week youve uploaded a video that breaks down exactly how i been feeling so thank you lmaooo
I struggle with this
@19:00 really resonates with me. Something broken's or missing...
Listened to this on Spotify, and I promise that at least 5 different times, I went "dang I wish I could be friends with someone this cool and funny"! I'm not going through the exact same situation, but I've been there in the past and am definitely in some modified version of that now, and it was super refreshing to see that mindset and be reminded of how important it was to be hopeful and trusting in the process, and to keep trying no matter what. It really is huge of her to have made it to where she was on her own, and I hope things have been improving since this came out!
they articulated it so well
this is the video i relate 2 most
*People aren't there for them*
I feel more like people are against me more than anything, I just have so many... unusual interests that it's just hard to get along with most people. I'm the guy you'd call a weirdo and call it a day and go to your friend group :') So yeah, I've been socially isolated for 3-4 years (most of my high school) and I'm working on... trying to connect with people, somehow, just talking and see where that goes 😅 Now it's surprisingly easy to get along with people although I still do have very uncommon interests... 😐 But the best is talking with older people for me, idk why but anyone like 25+ is just the best, maybe cause "you're acting like a 40 yo" thing 😑
Cause people over 25+ have less drama and highschool mentality. Well drama as in they are more or lessed settled. That's my experience anyway, I also enjoy older company.
Social skills should be taught!! Say that loud for the people at the back that are clueless.. that’s what i told my therapist.. I didn’t know how to interact at kindergarten, i was pretty aware of it, thinking how the hell they all make friends.. and never got the skill about it. And my therapist was just.. go out there and try to socialize. GIRL I AM 30!! You think I didn’t try? The only thing i get is to confirm how incompetent i am at making relationships and socializing! Every new group I encountered in my life has literally ignored me as a whole. No one interacts with me even if i try to get close to someone.. and if they do, they stop trying very fast. Is obvious I am lacking social clues and behaviors. And no one is willing to teach me.
Btw I would like to hang out with her, she sounds smart and i like the energy she gives when she talks.
I would love to talk to you sometime Ginko, I word for word feel the exact same way and have never found anyone to verbalize that with. I also push through it but I've never heard it put into words that we crave connection yet push people away. Great job with the openness and self awareness as well!
This is so unbelievably relatable this person and I are basically the same person, so glad I found this