The pen study is so hilarious and true. I think the takeaway is also to know yourself: you may acknowledge that the pen is definitely valuable and worth the price, and you may recommend the pen to your friends. But if you don't personally need the pen, you won't buy it. So just because someone rejects you doesn't mean you're not valuable or worth it. Maybe they're just not in a position where they want or need you romantically, and that's OK.
@@aleksiwilson2295it's worthless because a pen being with 8.99$ can be because of its material costs, or because that's how people valued the pen. It doesn't really make it clear either way. And in the end, a 9$ pen no one wants to buy is just as useless as a 1$ pen no one wants to buy. If you are not wanted and valued, you don't have value. Because value is determined by the market. If your desired market (for example, the dating pool you are interested in, girls that are your type etc), consistently rejects and doesn't value you, even when you try to do everything right, then you don't have value. That's just how it be. No one said this world is fair. An ugly old poor brown person isn't gonna make the average 20yo girl fall in love with him. That's not normal. SOMEONE might do him a favor eventually, but 99% won't. That's how the world works.
Dr. K is single handedly (with his team) bringing back a swathe of the population, who have been resigned by society to fail, into a new era of enlightenment whilst invigorating individuals to take back control of their lives. 🎉
@@themacocko6311Yeah, so Dr. K is the primary face we see, but behind him stands a dedicated team making it all possible. Together, they bring about immense positive change by empowering individuals! 😁 Does that make sense to you?
You can have hope or not, but unfortunately the numbers don’t lie, we’re in for a very rough future because we’re both a civilization that depends on a growing population and also a severely declining population. It’s going to get pretty bad.
@@TheUltimegaMan It's true, the stats do paint a challenging future. But, what do they say? Tough times breed tough people. We might be riding the rough seas, but we gotta keep sailing...and maybe docking for repairs now and then :) Keep your chin up bro, stay resilient, and let's tackle it together.
Ambiguity act dumb. act like a himbo. act clueless. but dont be dumb. dont be a himbo. dont be clueless. simple. but i dont like this. it works. byt it feels inauthentic and unsatisfying. if u ugly then tjis doesmnt work tho i think
@@btchiaintkidding7837if the other person doesn’t like it either then you don’t have to but lots of people (I wanna say women but dudes sometimes too) find the games exciting and fun so u do it for them
@@btchiaintkidding7837 the act of flirting doesn’t need to be for you, it can be for the other person. It doesn’t need to be inauthentic, if you’re flirting right then both of you should know what’s going on. If you’re good at flirting you’ll know what’s going on and enjoy it. Try to make it fun, if it’s not fun for you (or the other person) work on that!
I watched the self esteem video yesterday, and now the dating one today and I find it funny that the dating stream was more informative in helping me realise the nuances of self esteem. At the end of the day, this is why I love the general streams. The way the the ideas are so free flowing is similar to the way thoughts drift around in my head.
The Brain isnt able to do two big things at once. To feel your own pain and at the same time the pain of someone else. When you feel your pain the brain isnt able to feel the pain of others. and when you feel pain or anxiety of others you are not able to feel or solve your own pain. or feel empathy as e well. Brain can do one big task at once not two big tasks at once. Therefore forgive people for their ignorance of not understanding you pain. and forgive each other. because if they feel pain, or anxiety, their brain isnt able at the same moment feel anxiety of other people, therefore the brain feels like judgmental toward people. But as people calm down and heal emotions only then they may feel empathy to each other.
@@alenaadamkova7617Wow, I haven't thought this way but it seems so obvious now. Thanks for giving that perspective. You can really tune to the emotions of one being at the same time. Like there is only one slot :p That would also explain projection, as you try to think about other person's emotions but you are actually feeling your own and your consciousness attributes them to the other person. And that would also work in the other direction.
videos are scripted and pre written thats why you can tell he is reading when he keeps looking to his left. streams like you said are more fluid even though im sure there is some preparation.
I’ve put together my own social anxiety exposure therapy guide and I just passed the first one! Forgot my AirPods before the gym so I decided to talk to another dude at the gym without headphones in and we talked for 5 minutes and talked between sets and joked a lot. Really helped break a wall down that I just bother people by talking to them
Way to go! As a Gen Xer, it is so sad to me that speaking to strangers in public has become “weird” to many people. This trend also makes dating much harder.
@@dancingdragon3 it is very hard (it shouldn’t be) but I’m slowly learning that people aren’t out to be rude and are generally pleasant. I’m still working on how to keep conversations going and how to end them appropriately. I’ll get there hopefully
Last year, I had severe social anxiety, i couldn't even go out of the house, day by day, I tried exposure therapy and it worked like a charm, now i am getting familiar but not that great but still a whopping 85% increase in self-improvement. Going to the gym, eating healthy, getting enough sleep + mindful mediation+ breathwork + journaling genuinely boosted my self-esteem and helped me a lot.
When people stay in non-reciprocal relationships and try hard to make their partner reciprocate and meet their needs, despite repeated failure, they aren't valuing themselves which often stems from low self esteem. They feel they deserve a better treatment from their partner and expect to be treated in the way they want, despite their partner is showing no signs. If they truly valued themselves, they would walk away. Take sovereignty back to your internal locus of control.
All well and good, but when women are watching thousands of tiktoks and build all these ideals of thousands of other positive traits and expect you to be all of them at once then it fails. There are delusional expectations and the reality of your partner being a human being. I expended 100% of my energy on life and marriage. She got bored easily because of watching all these extravagant things the everyday person cant afford and expecting identical treatment without consulting with reality.
@ThePestilentDefiler No reason you can’t date men. Blaming women for every problem in society and putting far too much emphasis on social media and TikTok doesn’t help you. Most women do not watch TikTok. It’s more of a teenage girl thing and honestly it really seems that just as many men watch it. Girls are on it making content that’s the only difference. Social media and the internet and phones were all created by men so perhaps you should be blaming them?
One woman isn't all women. And the sides of a partner we see isn't all of them, and we see them through our own lens of interpretation so we have blind spots and part of what we see is often illusion that has more to do with us than them. No amount of effort can change who a person is, though through ignorance or manipulation we might be able to condition their personality and pretend or think we've changed the person. But that's not love, because to love is to know, seek to know, and to act in accordance with the real person. That can include realizing that their goals or their development or orientation towards life doesn't match ours or isn't compatible. If so, you can "cooperate" with that reality by letting them go in the most respectful but also self-respecting way you can manage. I think that's an example of the potential wisdom to be found in the idea, "love your enemies". Love isn't about giving in, it's about seeing and learning without prejudice, with all of your being. Then the whole world becomes your ally, darkness and all, and you don't use unnecessary force when defending yourself or resolving unhealthy situations. Easier said than done. But we can learn together. Best wishes.
@@jaybee4288 I personally think that if someone has unrealistic standards or ideas of what a relationship should be, they should be taking responsibility for it themselves rather than blaming the person who made social media. What you said isn't relevant to this persons problem at all..
The dating apps thing always struck me as super weird. Back when I used them, I rejected anyone who didn't have a description. Sure, I care about physical attractiveness, but I was looking for a relationship. I don't want a relationship with someone who just posts bikini pics, no matter how hot they are.
I do this, I know other women who do this, I don't know a single man who does this. If you're a man, props. As an aside, I have declined every single woman's profile with no bio as a rule on every app I've used since 2003, when online dating was exclusive to Microsoft Explorer. I don't even care if her bio is something like "I'm pretty terrible at writing bios, but I filled out all the prompts like a dweeb!" At least the effort is there. Also no bio immediately screams bot to me.
@@mugojr4766 on what basis do you make the claim that he is lying? Imagining yourself in their shoes? You aren't them, shocking. People have different philosophies and standards, wants and needs, etc. Don't call somebody a liar because you personally can't imagine yourself doing the same in their shoes, it's dishonesty towards yourself.
@De_Selby the last statement he said he can't date a woman posting a bikini no matter how hot she is . That's the lie. If he could thats who he would be dating
That point about attractive people giving out dating advice is so on point. It's like, wow, hot girl says to just put yourself out there. Why didn't I think of that?
Attention: Dealing with people does mean "dealing with people" AND "dealing with your own reactions and decisions as you deal with them" and NOT "dealing with your head-canon of the ppl before you and react from that imaginary place!" 😅
"(recongnize your intrinsic value.) Recognize that if this is not right for you, it's not right for you. You don't need to deserve better." "When we don't see our internal value, we use external measures for our value" 1:23:50
1:51:05 that self respect talk was amazing Dr K. As someone who didn't get that healthy parenting growing up, thank you. It can be so crippling. It reminds me of how at the end of Scott Pilgrim, he learns the power of self respect, and its more powerful than the power of love 💜 Also I would argue that someone being in love with you is only sweet and adorable and wonderful if you are also in love with them. If its not reciprocated, it doesn't feel great for either person. And not all love is the head over heels, butterfly in the stomach type! Awesome stream! Thank you 😊👌
I also couldn’t help but think about Scott Pilgrim when the conversation turned to self respect. It’s a great moral for a story, and not spoken about often enough
@JoshuaNichollsMusic yes! I just wish he and Ramona hadn't ended up together at the end. To me, that would have made the message so much more powerful. I haven't read the comic though, maybe things work out differently there? 🤔
Dudes, I’m a woman who goes out on a lot of dates from online dating sites. The guy may tick all the boxes but then in person just talks about himself for 2 to 3 hours and doesn’t even ask any questions to get to know me. He’s then really keen for a second date, but if he hasn’t tried to get to know me as a human being, I have absolutely zero interest in a second date no matter how much money he makes or how good he looks. I’m looking for connection and chemistry.
Ok if a dude says he can beat a grizzly bear, the dunning kruger graph needs to be expanded to include a negative x axis for negative amount of experience
@@badabing3391anyone can beat anything if the conditions are favorable. lets say its a random encounter, just like it would be in the wild. that makes for a plethora of variables that are (and always will be) beyond control. a firearm might not even be enough in cases of bad aim/luck or too little firepower. i always find myself doubting the ability of controlling the situation with a wild animal. might just be me tho, i dont live near bears.
@@disdain7143 I think most predators don't attack humans if they can avoid it. If you think about it, we must appear so incredibly strange to them. - tall apes with long limbs, standing and walking upright all the time - brightly coloured protective fur (clothes) that doesn't cause the major injuries they'd expect if it's ripped apart (hopefully) - super smart (compared to them at least, and only if we're not completely ignorant or in full panic mode) - unpredictable and deadly (guns, pepper spray, flashlight, etc.) Imagine this scenario: A bear that's never been close to humans one day comes too close for comfort near a couple walking through the forest. He locks eyes with one of the humans. _"F*ck what do I do now? If I run away now I might be dead"_ is what he would be thinking if he wasn't a bear. Instead of contemplating the moral implications of the actions he's about to commit, all of his instincts tell him that going full attack mode is his safest bet. He starts running to the couple while they just keep staring at him, standing there for a second and then - suddenly they start screaming at him, standing up even taller, wildly attacking the air with their weirdly long fore paws. Bear immediately recognises that they're not prey but he's already in full charge. Then in quick succession the loudest sounds he's ever heard. BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! Shocked, confused, ears ringing, pain, adrenaline, fear. Overwhelmed and intimidated the bear pulls out his own gun and 360 no-scopes those weird looking aliens. D-d-d-double kill. Kill. Kill... The bear buries the bodies on the spot and returns mortally wounded to his family. He doesn't survive in the end, but from that day on he will be remembered by all other animals as the guardian of the forest, and the first amendment for forest animals was created. The end. PS - I don't live near bears either and yes, I spent way too much time on this lmao 🤣
As a person who does, while yes some bears fear us it’s best to keep a distance and let them mind their own. Often enough they avoid us. Bbbutttt that doesn’t discredit the fact they’re pretty damn strong predators. You wouldn’t, maybe if you were hunting it, but not if you’re just bare knuckle boxing.
"Deserve" can mean two things. One is that its ok that you have something and that it shouldn't be taken away. So if you study hard and pass the test, then you deserve the grade. If you cheat on the test you don't. It's right for the cheating mark to be taken away because it wasn't deserved. The mark you got yourself is deseved and shouldn't. The other meaning of "deserved" is more like entitled to. So this is like thinking that if you study hard you are entitled to get a good mark whether or not you answer the questions correctly. I think when people say you deserve a great relationship, it means the former. That if you find yourself in a great relationship, you're not unworthy of it and it doesnt need to be taken away. But it doesnt mean that you are entitled to the world somehow providing that great relationship to you. Because we conflate these to meanings, being worthy and being entitled to, it gets confusing when we use the word deserving. You deserve to have an amazing partner if that partner and you have a relationship, and you dont need to do anything special to be worthy of it if its based on truth. But this doesnt mean that you are entitled to it and that the universe needs to make it happen for you, or that the girl of your dreams is required to give you a chance.
I love this so so much. Reminds me of a philosophical discussion group conversation I had once on the different meanings of respecting others/respecting a person. One is like a bare minimum level of human decency respect. The other is like respect in the context of authority figures being respected or being respected based on merit or something. And people conflate the meanings at times but not as much as they seem to with "deserve".
The last ten minutes of this were litty. I went for it with a lady, eyes wide open as they say, and now that I've been heartbroken I can see that I went for an unbalanced relationship but I do in fact have self respect. Despite how miserable I've been I couldn't have played it differently and now I've learnt something. I know it hurt a lot, I have no idea how much it would hurt if I had never gone balls to wall with it.
to the dude who's self conscious about putting on weight, I lost loads of weight and am still self conscious. What Dr K said about accepting it is the way to move forward
my issue is there not being anywhere really where i live to go that fits my hobbies, and if i'm not gonna go out to purposely meet someone, then i don't have a reason to go out if that's not the purpose of it, cause going by what just brings me joy, that is things that one does at home only, like digital drawing and music production on my pc, or gaming.
Maybe you can take a digital drawing class, at a local art museum, or see what events are at your local library. Ect. Ect. I do agree tho, their is nothing to do, nothing to see and nowhere to go. Every place you inhabit has to have max effeincy or else your just wasting your money. The only time it didn't feel like this is college, where everyone is encouraged heavily to talk to each other, people are engaging with the space to it's max capacity, and engaging with the space includes making connections with people. That is why relationships that stem from college last the longest, and have decreased divorce rates. Unfortunately college is inaccessible to many people, (including myself after some medical shennanigans) which sucks because it is like the only other place besides the church that is that personable.
Like the other comment mentioned people do online drawing together and going to an in person drawing session is fun too. I went to a couple and it was great. Unfortunately they were about an hour away. I thought about hosting my own at some place that would be cool with it, it's just people drawing so no much is needed. So maybe something to try. The cool thing about those get togethers, is that everyone there is there to meet people too so everyone is at the very least trying. Idk about music and gaming though, I imagine there will be a lot of cross over with the art folks. I used the meetup app and found some cool people.
52:49 Exaaactly, first step of building self love, consciousness, esteem, is accepting instead fighting your social awkwardness and lack of skill your flaws. ONLY then you can overcome and train them!! It's very important to realize this. I went from a basically hikikomori to a almost chad doing that.
Value vs. Deserving: 1:19:16 I want more on this concept. I think it hits well on subjects to do with when I feel I deserve more when working hard when really, I don't deserve more and that I should just find value in enjoying my work. Also might help with understanding relationships when I feel if I follow a set of commands then I should "win" a date. I know a bit meta that I undestand this about myself, its a subject that i've been circling in therapy for a while so just thought it would be good as it's own video,
I feel like this is a huge aspect of modern dating, and as much as I hate people who blame video games for shit, I do think games have influenced our thinking a lot in this respect. When you play, if you input the correct thing, you will get the desired outcome. Dating isn't like that and that's where entitlement can creep in, with all the toxicity that entails. As much as these dating guru bros like to say if you do x,y, and z, you will get chicks, it's just not that simple because people do not follow computer logic. Good on you for working on yourself dude, holding up the mirror in therapy is not easy 💜
Deserving is an opinion, you don't get what you deserve, you get what you get(if you want the most simplistic view) or you get what you worked for(if you want more accuracy, but not too far from the truth either).
@@rhythmandblues_alibi So do you actually believe that if youre 6 foot, decent body, decent face, can socialise well, have good networth, are kind, average IQ or more, you can't get a really decent woman?
@@serban2139 I'd say those things help, but don't guarantee such an outcome, just as _not_ being those things doesn't help but doesn't mean being unable to get a decent woman. Dating - and life in general - are not deterministic, that's the point other people here have been making. It's not simple input and output.
1:04:02 I wouldn’t have met my husband at a library, bookstore, or fabric store but definitely his family’s restaurant. Thankfully he’s accepting of my hobbies, and I’ll sit at a racetrack for him. Opposites do attract. It’s a lot of work but that’s the best part, you reap the benefits of the time, effort, and value you put in helping your other person. -advice from an average person with 10 years of marriage.
25:39 I jumped a little ahead with my thoughts and now I’m gonna have to go back, the problem with asking men who’ve been in relationships for 10 years is they know how to maintain a relationship not necessarily obtain a healthy relationship. That’s an entirely different and more difficult subject. You’d need to poll the methods of how people that got into their lasting healthy relationships and see if there were commonalities there to pull from. And then get more advice for when you’re starting a new relationship to establish healthy habits from the get-go, cause a lot of people don’t have healthy examples to learn from. Could be interesting to study. I feel like someone has probably written this book already… it’s had to have been done already by someone? Maybe I’ll get more answers if I just press play.
....... why would you ask the men, if you are a man??? You literally want to either ask both or particularly ask the women what about "what the men did" worked for them. :'D See? This is already where the whole mess starts. You cannot ask any ppl. You need to see couples that live the sort of relationship you are looking for and ask them about how they established it and how they maintain it. General data on groups is just that. It rarely helps with individuals. What you are trying to learn is patterns and common problems and troubleshooting solutions. But working with individuals is actually about discarding all biases and "learning this human" and "speaking to them instead of assuming"
@jaybee4288 You missed the key word. It's not about having obtained any relationship at all then stayed in it for 10 years. It's about if it's a HEALTHY relationship.
The problem isnt choosing to socialize. The problem is finding people we actually want to socialize with. I'm not trying to become the average of the 5 assholes I socialized with
And that's why Dr.K is so brilliant, he dissects and explaines all this Keyword sentences like "Put yourself out there" all of this dating coaches are saying without explaining why and what they mean with that.
I have a really good friend who's a lady. She's younger than me (I'm 35, she's 25). We're both musicians (we often do the same gigs), we both are into fitness (we run together), we are both Christians, and we both like rock, anime, and games. We text and talk a lot. I asked her out 2 years ago, and she rejected me, saying I was like an older brother to her. That said, she was just out of a called off engagement. Maybe it was bad timing on my part. I haven't tried again since then. I have low expectations, and don't expect her to love me as I do her. But I do love her. I have a hardened heart since I've gone through some drama before. I can accept that she doesn't love me and doesn't owe me anything. I at least have a close friend. It sucks in some ways, but I realize that I can't control her, and that realization helps me to enjoy the friendship.
My rule was to never date a man with kids...and here we are lol! I never wanted my own, but he's such an incredibly wonderful man that the kids just became a (difficult but rewarding) bonus.
I've been thinking a lot about "deserving" lately. I think the only way to give people what they deserve is to be the person who treats good people right. Things happen, sometimes good sometimes bad, the only thing you can control is your actions.
Dr. K. I am 44 years old. I recently got diagnosed with ASD level 2 and ADHD but not hyperactive in behaviour. I have a beautiful wife and two amazing beautiful children. Our son is autistic level two also but non verbal, he is 5, now attending a school for autistic children which we feel has helped him (already) immensely. I was never non verbal. My entire adult life has been riddled with difficulty, weed and alcohol abuse. My wife, whom i love very deeply, is always angry with me, no matter how hard i work. And when i cant take her constant anger with me i leave and live in my car for, sometimes weeks, sometimes months until she asks me to come back. Clearly this is not a sustainable situation and ive had to ask my mother for a lot of financial help. I want our family to be together but my wifes constant anger and baseless accusations of infedelity and plotting against her have destoyed us. I live in my car now and my health is deterioating over time. Luckily I'm very youthful and have a good constitution. But there is so much to deal with I feel I can't stop things from getting much worse. I love my wife and children more than anything in the world, but i can not stay when there is so much anger and yelling from my wife. She is not a bad person, she has so much anxiety and it makes her think everyone is against her. I have ben watching a lot of your videos and it has been very helpful to understand myself better. Thankyou so much for your work. I would love to talk with you but of course I understand that's not really possible. Again, thank you for doing the work you do. It really has been invaluable.
yes it is normal. a reason could be because you just listen and feel paralyzed. try going to the discord and complete some of his challenges. perhaps that helps you achieving a different feeling
From my perspective, as a woman, the thing that I find most attractive in a man is self-awareness and self-love. Those two things bring confidence. Confidence is much more attractive than physical looks. Also agree about the premature ejaculation. What’s most important is to satisfy your partner. My only concern would be that my partner had a pleasurable experience. If premature ejaculation prevented my partner from enjoying himself, I would want to work on that to ensure that his experience was fulfilling.
I hear a fair amount of women say this about personality over physical attraction. What's your thoughts on physical attraction as being the first barrier to then discovering attraction to personality though? Like I had a few dates with a woman who said I was everything she was looking for but she wasn't interested because I wasn't physically attractive to her. She told me she wanted to see if she'd be able to look past the lack of physical attraction but she couldn't. So what I'm getting at is, there must surely be a point where no amount of good personality is enough to overcome a lack of physical attraction?
@@LuckeGabriel I’m sorry that you had this negative experience. It’s never easy. Yes, physical attractiveness does play a role. However, a lot of physical attractiveness can be linked to self-love. Being healthy is really important. For example, someone that is carrying a lot of excess weight doesn’t love themselves enough to take care of their body. That isn’t attractive. I also think it is important to dress in a manner that shows that you want to make a good impression and that flatters your body type. Dr. K made a video about the role the of physical attractiveness. I can’t remember the name of it, but he gave good advice, as always. One aspect of physical attractiveness that I struggle with is height. I am tall. I’m not attracted to men that are significantly shorter than I am. One or 2 inches is fine but more than that feels unbalanced. I realize this is very shallow.
@@blacalmontie Yeah just curious as I am quite content with my physique. I am slim, however this woman said I dressed well yet she is exclusively into big bulky muscular men. It has definitely made me less confident, and is frustrating because the idea of cultivating a body shape is absolutely cringeworthy to me, but it seems that this is the bar that is being set these days by a substantial amount of women. I have a theory it's due to media, as in we're now bombarded with the most beautiful people in the world on our screens, and the more exposure to these, the more our tastes are shaped. There's a phenomenon in music with this happening already where kids today are naturally singing in the style of pitch corrected/auto tuned vocals without realising what they're doing, and then you play them back vocals without the correction/autotune and it sounds weird to them. I strongly believe that people are shallow about something, it's fine. People don't get to choose what they want, they just want.
@@LuckeGabriel I have not noticed that trend, but I think we might be in different generations. Social media has definitely had an impact on body image. Women suffer from male body expectations also. In my case, I have been told, twice recently in fact, that they were not attracted to me because I had a flat butt. 😂. Like you, this is my body type. It’s not going to change. I’m confident you’ll find someone that finds you very attractive exactly the way you are. I do hope that society is not falling into a shallow cesspool of toxic body shaming culture…
@@blacalmontie I will pop in here to second this. Us women get the body type comments too. I ended up breaking up with someone when he started saying I needed to go to the gym to “build him an ass” and that my skin was too pale and that I could go “buy myself some boobs” because I “have no airbags.” If someone doesn’t like your body type, then you’re better without them in your life. Because they’ll be criticizing you the whole time anyway. Even if they don’t say it, they’re thinking it
The best advice to get is FROM THE PERSON YOU'RE INTO. Generally speaking people appreciate genuineness, and if you say hey I'm new to this, tell me about it. What makes you feel appreciated and cared about. What do you want from this? The people that will be good for you in a relationship will respond well. (Assuming you have an appropriate relationship to be asking questions with that level of intimacy and trust)
Bad advice, puts you in danger of being a dancing monkey, which does not cultivate attraction. It's important to express your romantic self in a way that is genuine and a reflection of who you are, not simply a desire to appease the other person. If you are already in a relationship with someone then understanding their wants and needs is important to maintaining that relationship, but it must be understood that what they SAY they want may not always be an objective reflection of what makes them happy and keeps them satisfied with the relationship. If you're not already in a relationship and you ask someone you're into what they want and then just do all of those things it seems disingenuous and transactional and is actually quite off-putting, not to mention there's not point in just moulding yourself to any person you're attracted to, it's important to find someone that has complimentary traits that allow you to mesh organically.
2:03:10 I think (and in my experience) the younger we are we don’t know what we want, we just think we know what we want. That’s why talking to your elders is so valuable, even if you don’t understand in the moment. So my working theory on this is: ask the sex that you like what they prefer AND ask your same-sex peers how to be and present yourself the best. As men, thats essentially what we’re doing here on this stream.
i disagree. if you ask women what they want, they can not tell you in a way that is helpful. they will make things up and you will end up confused. instead what you can do is expose yourself to women, try different things and watch their bodylanguage for level of comfort. you will see what works immediately and thanks to immediate gratification your brain will learn intuitively
@@stephanieherman2861 I agree that that’s probably what works or would work, since we all teach each other perpetually how we want to be interacted with. The reason I disagree with your statement is is that the most anxious people are the ones that won’t do that. The fear and stress is too much. If were talking about guys, the fear of rejection or getting accused of crossing a boundary will paralyze him, meanwhile the desire builds up. Both fear and desire makes a guy stand still just staring at the woman, the result: is coming of as creepy or weird, the woman’s body language (if he catches it at all) is that of rejection and thus the negative feedback loop begins. Now, the way out is making yourself more attractive and desirable so there enough interest for both parties to overcome the awkwardness of the poor social skills while they develop in the way you mentioned.
@@stephanieherman2861 I agree that that’s what works and/or what would work since we are all teaching each other how we want to be interacted with. The problem I see with your statement is that the people who would benefit the most are the least likely to do it because they are so incredibly anxious and do not have the skill. Lets say a guy with poor social skill and vocabulary goes up to a woman who he is romantically/sexually interested in. The fear of rejection kicks in and is paralyzed. Now he just standing there staring at her looking like a creep or just mumbles, her body language (if he even picks up on it) is that of a person being uncomfortable or threatened, thus the negative feedback loop begins. A way out of this loop is to make yourself more attractive and desirable, enough that It’ll reduce the friction of poor social skill while you’re actively working on it.
@@ivanpadilla4479 in this scenario, if he picks up that the person is being uncomfortable then he is learning from that. Of course he might not feel very well about it, but perhaps it gives him motivation to keep on improving and try something new. Interaction with someone who he is interested in is so hard because he does not want to mess up and at the same time he has no experience on what is working. A good starting point for learning social interactions might me interactions with people who have no other chance than to interact with him. perhaps at work, in a football club, at the hairdressers and so on. Improving attractiveness is one strategy certainly. But there are way more things that can help. My experience is, that when you feel good, then you can look as badly as you want, people will still react positively to you. I even tested this by looking ultra bad before entering a danceparty. I love dancing, so my mood was very good. It made me so present and grounded that although i had greasy hair, dirty clothes, was all sweat and so on, i still had very positive reactions.
i understand what the last guy said, but i think he phrased it wrong. you can't show disinterest. people pick up on this very quickly when someone is disinterested. what i think he means is that you need to get to a state of mind that you don't care if the other person likes you or not (not too much at least), it's not something you'd be concerned about. you still need to show interest, and not fake interest, actual interest. you just put yourself in a mental place where you are not trying too hard to get the other person to like you. when you're preoccupied for other people to like you, you get desperate, you mess up, you say the wrong thing, then panic, then try to back track and it's one giant train wreck. that desperation shows very plainly. this is very nuanced and takes time to get there. took me many many interactions with people over several years and im still not completely there, but i am considerably far more comfortable around new people, especially of the opposite sex, than i was 5 years ago. and when someone doesn't like me in the same way, well i can't change that, so i accept it and manage to move on without getting attached to that person, which is something i was doing constantly in the past. when you finally managed to think and feel in this way, you will be much more relaxed, much more natural, you just flow with it effortlessly, you appear and feel much more confident. and if it works it works, if you don't connect with that person, you don't. it is what it is.
About problem with studies and distinction between revealed and stated preferences. There's a brilliant, tho a bit dated (13 years old!), comment by another psychiatrist (Scott Alexander) about this: > This is a terrible debate and you should all feel bad for having it. Now let me join in. > The research on this topic is split into "completely useless" and "mostly useless". In the former category **we have studies that, with a straight face, purport to show that women like nice guys by asking women to self-report on their preferences.** To illuminate just how silly this is, **consider the mirror case of asking men "So, do you like witty charming girls with good personalities, or supermodels with big breasts?" When this was actually done, men rated "physical attractiveness" only their 22nd most important criterion for a mate - number one was "sincerity", and number nineteen was "good manners".** And yet there are no websites where you can spend $9.95 per month to stream videos of well-mannered girls asking men to please pass the salad fork, and **there are no spinster apartments full of broken-hearted supermodels who just didn't have enough sincerity. So self-reports are right out.** > Other-reports may be slightly less silly. Herold and Milhausen, 1999, found that **56% of university women believed that women in general were more likely to date jerks than nice guys. But although women may have less emotional investment in the issue than men, their opinions are still just opinions.** > **The few studies that earn the coveted accolade of "only mostly useless" are those that try to analyze actual behavior.** Bogart and Fisher typify a group of studies that show that **good predictors of a man's number of sexual partners include disinhibitedness, high testosterone levels, "hypermasculinity", "sensation seeking", antisocial personality, and extraversion.** Meston et al typify a separate group of studies on sex and the Big Five traits when she says that "agreeableness was the most consistent predictor of behavior...disagreeable men and women were more likely to have had sexual intercourse and with a greater number of partners than agreeable men and women. **Nonvirgins of both sexes were more likely to be calculating, stubborn, and arrogant in their interpersonal behavior than virgins. Neuroticism predicted sexual experience in males only; timid, unassertive men were less sexually experienced than emotionally stable men...the above findings were all statistically significant at p
(continued) **So I think these filters work and people who have a policy of rejecting suitors who really deeply desire them in a way that makes them not interchangeable with the next "prospect" to come along - they will, in fact, successfully eliminate suitors who really deeply desire them and consider them non-interchangeable. And then ten years later one night in bed they ask their personal trainer why their husband or wife is so frigid.** I know that the Official Narrative is that you're supposed to not get too obsessed with someone until you've been in a relationship with them a while, and you ask them out when you just have a vague preference for them but later you warm up to them and after a few months or years you're genuinely in love and then you can do all the stuff I want to do immediately like write them sonnets and sestinas and maybe some ruba'iyat. **But the Official Narrative doesn't take into account that actually when I like someone my brain tells me right away and goes into Full Obsession Mode.** Maybe there are people who don't work like that. Maybe they're the ones who write Official Narratives, while the rest of us are wasting our time writing sestinas and exquisite works of Arabic literature. **Now, don't get me wrong. I know that True Love is really inconvenient. It might not be requited, and then it would be a huge mess and no one would have any idea what to do, because our culture tells us that True Love Must Always Conquer Everything. If some woman I didn't like expressed True Love for me, it would make me feel guilty and horrible.** **And because I'm just as susceptible to the Just World Fallacy as anyone else, I would tell them it wasn't true love at all but just plain Creepiness. And that it makes her a bad person and she should be ashamed of herself and so rejecting her is not only okay but actively heroic. And all my neighbors would support me in this, because we all know that True Love is the most powerful thing in the universe, even more powerful than nuclear weapons, and so we can't just let random people go around having it any more than we would just let random people have the Bomb.** **But when we reach the point where letting it slip that you love someone is pretty much social suicide, that's...not good. I'm trying to imagine what G. K. Chesterton would write if he saw that sentence above - "I know that True Love is really inconvenient"** - and then write that, but I'm no G. K. Chesterton and also everything Chesterton wrote was beautiful but totally illogical and I don't want to end up like that anyway.
Dr K, when people say someone 'deserves better' it's not a reference to the course of nature or a philosophical question about the meaning of human existence and suffering. I think it's more down to earth: the things you 'deserve' are those you can influence and you have control over, like changing job, living healthy, letting go of abusive people and putting yourself out there. I would say the 'things within your control' is implied.
This is an interesting take. I thought about it in terms of "I've put in a lot of time and effort, and so i should be paid what i am due" with in the context is the relationship. The implication is, if I'm gonna do all this again, it better be a good deal
52:18 in, gotta say - best thing I've done in my life, and science seems to confirm: latino dancing (salsa bachata & kizomba). It hijacked my competitive gamer brain with the moves and coordination and, well, gamified aspects to it (salsa feels like Sekiro unironically) and through its social aspects made me socialize pretty much 6 days a week every week. I went from the grumpy asshole to the most outgoing person in my group in just two years. Bonus points for the fact there's almost always more girls than guys so I counterbalanced my IT nerd sausage fest upbringing.
Dr. K’s point about how sometimes the less invested person gets their person in the end was even better. My now girlfriend had to deal with me not thinking we were a match for far too long. Now i couldn’t live without her :)
25:00 this is such a good point you make. The people to take advice from are not the bros who big themselves up and say that they are successful because of all the "hoes" they get 🤢 Where are all the mature men 40, 50+ in happy secure relationships, mentoring young men? I feel like most guys dont want to necessarily get *all the girls* they want a relationship with one girl, so why are all dating gurus about body count? Its so weird. It also cracked me up when the first guy was like "get rizz." 😅 Like yeah, if it was that easy to be charismatic, everyone would be. Charisma is not swagger, its intrinsic and rare which is why we naturally gravitate toward people who have it. There are ways to talk to people you want to date without being charming. I would argue it's far more important to be authentic than charming. After all, narcissists are very charming! It does not make them good long-term partners.
Why would you want the advice of mature men who have long term relationships when it comes to finding dates? It's gonna be the same story, got introduced by friends and together ever since. Met at class, together ever since. Met at mutual hobby, together ever since. For a guy who isn't insane the hard part is two-fold. 1. Finding women who are willing to talk to you, and 2. Getting them to develop romantic feelings for you. If you're a regular nice dude then as soon as you figure out 1 and 2 you're fucking cruising baby. I doubt you need help with the "happily ever after" if you're a regular dude that has their shit together. It's the "making a woman develop feelings for you" part that is ridiculously hard if you aren't the average dudebro rizzler. So you need to develop some of those skills first or else you'll be doomed to forever be the "nice guy who everyone thinks of like a brother or best friend" or whatever.
> Where are all the mature men 40, 50+ in happy secure relationships, mentoring young men? Just a reminder that those men likely get their partners in times when dating was really different. So their advice on finding the partner would be completely irrelevant.
Honestly as a girl I’d say you should at least try to be charming. Far too many guys today approach and I really don’t know whether they like me or not. First of all that’s not flattering/attractive and secondly it usually just leaves me confused as to whether he’s just being friendly or not. Today’s guys are a bit odd, y’all say you want a relationship but you don’t want to put any effort in. It’s a bit bizarre. Of course you have to try to stand out from other men. Honestly I think a lot of you are simply too apathetic/lazy for a relationship, and im not saying that to be mean, but from reading what guys are saying im like why on earth do you even want one. I think it might be guys who can’t get a relationship thinking it’s some miracle cure or something, but trust me it’s not. If you don’t like women and you don’t like making effort, a relationship with a woman is the absolute last thing you want.
@@Straga_SeveraI think you should try to change your negative perception of females. You keep saying how everything has changed with the internet but it really hasn’t. It’s just easier to date, that doesn’t mean everything’s changed. I have a feeling you’re just chasing the wrong people
As a 29 year old woman, I’m constantly astounded at how most people focus on the most vapid aspects of people when considering a partner to share their life with. It’s all about character, compatibility, and deep connection.
Never go to "your licensed health care dealer"... unless you have medical insurence. Just self-teach, research, learn and grow with help from all the sources on the internet. Thank all of you for taking the time to be here and present.
1:35:00 this is such a good point! Rejection is not an inherently bad thing, its only the worst thing in the world if your fragile ego can't take it. The way to find someone who is right for you is to ask lots of people and figure out what you actually like! And the more rejections you experience, the easier it gets, because you realise there are loads of reasons why you might not be right for someone, and a lot of it has nothing to do with you personally. So don't take it personally! I think we need to bring back organic dating, just asking people out who you meet in person.
We all deserve better (by the grace of all humans having basic needs and human rights is our agreement on these having to be granted unconditionally, ideally, that is!) .......... AND we're not "entitled" to better!
58:52 - Gonna get kinda weird and philosophical/metaphysical here and share some thoughts: The past only exists for us as two things, physical evidence and memories. And those both exist in the present. So I like to think of things like trauma, recovery, and paradigm shifts almost like time travel, or reality travel. When you reach a new understanding or view of the world it's almost like it transforms the past and transports you to a new reality, and your possible futures transform with it. If anyone's watched Steins;Gate you can use that as an analogy slightly. Your "world line" changes, for better or worse. So if you have a terrible past, your efforts in the present can transform it. And this is why you hear impressive people saying things like "I wouldn't change the traumatic past that contributed to where I am." They've used their agency in the present and transformed the past, at some point in their life. So if your past and your circumstances are terrible, have some faith, and start the work. Disidentify with "doomedness", "being a failure", etc., bit by bit. Best wishes! Working on it myself.
For me, it is partly my lack of experience of being a social people but most girls will talk shit behind my back. I could only get feedback only if their other male friends happen to take pity on me and tell me about it. But still it is vague, the feedback are like he is a creep, or he is a jerk, etc. The problem is that I don’t know what makes them say that, and I don’t know how to improve. All I can do is guess and change but it is impossible to recreate the scenarios with the same girls again. Anyway, from listening to my parents recounting their younger days, and listening to other similar aged couples, it seems like relationship just happen because they just happen to able to tolerate each other despite their flaws, and they also can’t verbalize why similar people didn’t work with them. They just happen to fall into love together and that’s it.
On the segment about being in a nonreciprocal relationship, I'm seeing a lot of comments about you shouldn't settle for someone's breadcrumbs and you deserve more than to be treated like garbage and engaging with it at all comes from low esteem. There is definitely truth to these sentiments, but it doesn't take away from the big thing I think Dr. K was saying. You have to measure how the relationship is uneven and decide if your level of investment is healthy for yourself should things turn sour in end. Keep your eyes open and watch their behavior. Listen to what they say when you have conversations. Actions speak louder than words but words held up to their actions give you good glimpses of what to expect from them as well. Obviously if someone says they love you and then they hurt you or treat you like a toy for amusement, you know that's probably not healthy fit for you. But if what if someone says dating is scary for them and you watch them try and slowly learn to see themselves in a healthy relationship with you, is it so bad? I don't think so, and maybe in that case giving it time to see where things progress may be a measured risk that feels worth it for you Ultimately, love and dating is definitely still complicated and you should never settle for abuse. That doesn't mean if someone fails to fall in love with you as immediately as you fall for them that you're doomed for failure either though. Who knows? Who's to say your pace is right? Maybe you do fall a little too hard or too fast. Perspective goes both ways and the whole process is really just about working to be good partners for each other. Anywho toodleloo lovebirds :) I wish you all the best
I have a question for editors. Why you're don't cut first waiting minutes of the streams? Also my cat always freaks out when she hears flute stuff that plays on the waiting section. Overall I'm grateful for all the work that HG is doing
I want to know how someone can be so interested in you but suddenly "lose interest" or "lose feelings." And I'm talking about over the course of DATING. Before they decide they want a relationship with you
Thye want intimacy but looking for a right person...who has attachment style similar to a real intimacy maybe. Intimacy ôlike: 1, talking about things, about hobbies, interests 2, understanding each other, connection
There's a few reasons. The first is that this is actually an excuse to get out of the relationship, which could be for a variety of reasons, usually that you met someone else or you don't want to get too attached due to other personal goals. But also sometimes you do just lose that interest and spark. I met a guy who I dated 3 times and I honestly thought I might marry him, he was so interesting to me, and I was very attracted and he just felt like the one. But 4th date onwards, I dunno what happened. It's like we'd exhausted all of our conversation, he was just repeating himself, I was still very physically attracted which kinda led to it lasting longer than it probably should have. But my interest in talking to him just vanished and I was quite sad about it, but it was an internal feeling you couldn't really shake. Other people I spoke to were more interesting to me etc and I just realised it wasn't going anywhere. I think the answer is you can lose interest when it stops being interesting or when other things become more interesting. It's a better question to ask how people retain interest, which I guess is by not revealing too much too soon. I notice a lot of guys these days come into date one like we're already together, and I know everything about them and their life after the first date, and then they act like we're a couple. And so the chemistry and romance is just killed instantly. I think people are in too much of a rush to get into a relationship, too much of a rush to get into bed, and I think that's how you kill interest. A true romance needs to build up over time, you can't just start at the end goal because then what's left?
Yeah he is a 7/10 on the Indian scale, but he is very charismatic, and intellectually irrefutably agreeable and understanding of emotional reaction which gives him the upper hand of introspective reactionary rather than impulsively reactionary to a given situation.
"You should be getting dating advice from 40 year old men who have been married for a decade." Except these men found their partners before the current societal and dating changes, so they are probably some of the worst people you could get advice from. I often see people 35+ say they essentially caught "the last chopper out of nam" in regards to finding a woman, because it has never been more difficult than it is right now.
I find it a bit contradictory to say that Rizz is when people have a vision for the future, but at the same time we shouldn‘t expect things, in order not to get disappointed. I say this as someone who takes this approach of zero expectations a lot. But isn‘t it charismatic when someone shares their big visions for the future with a confidence that seems to mean they believe in their vision? Like when people ask me I dodge the questions and say I don‘t wanna expect anything from my life so I don‘t get disappointed, but the much more charismatic answer would be that I confidently believe I will be successful in the future. Am I missing something here? If someone has a vision is it possibly that at the same time that vision is not an expectation at the same time?
I think what he is saying is that having clear goals and a vision for yourself is really attractive, demonstrates charisma, and is something you should want for yourself, but not having super high expectations to be perfect at every step in your journey is essential too. If you want to achieve bigger dreams, you have to recognize that sometimes thing won't go the way you planned, and beating yourself up harshly when you fail or hesitating to try at all in fear of failure will be the biggest killers of your progress no matter what you do. You should still believe that you can get there one day and continue to move yourself closer to that goal, but he was saying that it's not practical to so intensely hold the reality of yourself to flame of your ideals either and that patience and perseverance is critical in the process. In terms of dating, he mentioned this specifically in the case of people who struggle with social skills when talking to people. "Try practicing all the time with the goal of getting 40% better by the end of 6 months" I think is what he said. It's practical and leaves room for you to surprise yourself and feel proud if you excel without reaffirming you're a failure at this if it flops a bit, but he never said to give up which makes sense since it still communicates an overall positive attitude that people would be drawn to. Hope that helps :)
55:50 Phase 2 is legendarily freaky and I’m going at it rn while I calmly yet frantically try to piece together my authentic self with acceptance and stuff like tgat
Let's be VERY clear about the situation-ships, OK? If you both openly agree to have a situation-ship for a while then that's fine. If you speak about your feelings and get rejected and what follows if a conversation about friendship, then you DID get rejected and you are to either process your feelings and be a proper 100% friend with 0% resentment build-up or you are to leave cause you're in no place to seriously maintain a friendship. Do not confuse these situations!!!
If somebody complains about not getting dates, we only need to see a picture to know why. And maybe a picture of who they would like to date. It's that simple
Could someone explain what he meant when he talked about not wanting to date an Indian girl? I’m not Indian but I think the cultural differences are interesting to know about.
I wanted to hear your thoughts on the importance of emotional support because that’s been a big lack for me in my relationships, but I don’t know how realistic it really is for me to get that as much as I want it. I went through neglect and abuse in childhood so I’m aware I place a lot more importance on emotional support than those who didn’t, and I go through more emotions than people who didn’t. But maybe that’s still reason why I need a partner who gives more emotional support than my current partner. He says he’s there for me and I can talk to him about anything, but when I do, he isn’t good at making me feel heard or comforted.
this stream was great Dr. K thank you, a lot of people in the live chat sadly prove the point of having a bad mindset towards the other sex that stops them from making the right steps in the first place to connect with possible partners.
Dr. K says that people are not honest when saying what they want in a partner, yet also says that men should ask women for advice on attracting partners. Which is it, my guy?
Those aren't mutually exclusive, and you misinterpreted the pen experiment dishonesty thing. People aren't honest about what they think they WOULD want because they don't fully know until they choose. They are certainly better (though still not perfect!) about assessing why they did make a choice. In your example, asking old married couples why they got together and how theyve stayed together is more like asking someone why they chose to buy the pen that they did for sure already buy.
@@aawillma > In your example, asking old married couples why they got together ... means nothing in practical sense, because dating marked heavily shifted in last 5-7 years. They can give good advice for time-travellers, that I agree with ;-)
Cant wait for the pick up artist review, not least because I tried the "normal" approach of "just be open and honest, express your feelings" blah blah approach (maybe that works if you're not an Autist, I can't vouch for normal peoples experiences though) and was a virgin until I was 24. Once I learnt some basic stuff from pick up artists I lost my virginity within 6 weeks and have had very few issues since. I would love to know why their approach works for me when its so bad, but and the "good advice" gets me nowhere.
It works because it works, we associate negative connotations to pickup artistry (maybe rightfully so) but if what they teach didn't work then they wouldn't have students who repeat buy from them and then become teachers themselves in some cases. I don't think a majority of the population are ready to hear what actually works when it comes to attracting women as a heterosexual man and what women find attractive in said men.
It works for you because they are teaching "acting" and not "behaviour". Aka you will end up with integrity like it or not as that is fundamentally in the nature of people who are autistic. What you likely struggle with was how to adjust your tone to the situation. Thus in your case, mimicking did help. The thing is just, that "getting laid" is also often not exactly the goal. Or at least not after a few rounds. The problem with their advice is, that it's "acting" and that may last enough to get ppl laid, but it typically starts failing miserably right after, as the "acting" breaks down on the long run. Just like "masking" will break down in long-term 1x1. The advice is not "be yourself". That is a too literal take :'D The advice is "Show up as yourself AND attend to the needs of the person you are interacting with from a place of care and respect. And when your needs do not match, have respectful conversations about that and see if you can work it out" It's not a "Be blunt and be yourself at any expense" :'3 You could say that you have a core of integrity by default. We neurodiverse lots suck at acting and we're infamous at this point for being incapable to put on log-term acts and tolerate nonsense! But neurotypical ppl can hold up acts for veery long times and if at their core they are egocentric and sexistic, then that will show, particularly once partners are "tied up" and already relying on support. Then what ensues is often a very ugly abusive mess. Thus they need a "Sell yourself, not an act" and "Improve your self, not your acting"
It works if you want to get laid, but doesn't help you get in a happy long term relationship. Unless of course I'm wrong, let me know. But "acting" doesn't usually work after a few months.
🌻🤗the best psychiatrist so far on RUclips.. so true what you say Dr. K. Yes it was a hard lesson to understand that nobody or the world does not own us anything and that we don’t have to be liked by everybody as we ourselves don’t like everybody too so it’s peoples right to reject us and also to accept us, everybody is different.!
I think most people would find dating easier if they accepted that life isn't fair and not every avenue is suitable for everyone. I see so many guys in nightclubs trying to pick up girls, and it's always going to go worse for them than their friends, and yeah that might be unfair and it might suck, but like how many times does that have to happen before he just says this doesn't work for him and looks for an avenue that does. And they do exist. Online dating is still a great avenue for less desirable people, but again not the big apps with all the beautiful people, because that's essentially an online nightclub. Also workplaces, friendship groups etc. Bemoaning that all women are wicked because we treat confident and better looking men better on a night out is silly, especially given that the guy has usually passed over a bunch of less confident and worse looking women to get to that specific girl. We really aren't that different and I'm not sure why men feel that the 8's and 9's should entertain a 4 when they won't even entertain a 4 themselves. People just need to get their expectations in check, it isn't hard to find one single person that will date them, but yeah of course not everyone is going to attract lots of the opposite sex. Life just doesn't work like that.
This works both ways. As a girl I get far more male attention when I hang out with some of my average friends than when I’m with the health and beauty girls. A lot more. Wanting to date up isn’t exclusive to girls, we just are more likely to be successful at it.
While I understand the sentiment I think it's important to not treat good-looking people way better than others based solely on their looks alone. True confidence sure as it can be a developed character trait that is admirable but not beauty. In a funny way staying away from attractive people who you feel are out of your league in the end still has the same effect as not interacting with average or below-average-looking people, all you're doing is limiting the pool of potentially compatible people you could meet either way. Perhaps it's different because I'm a guy but regardless of how attractive or unattractive I am I don't think going above and beyond for women and obsessing over their beauty is something that is going to make them more attracted to me so I don't really see special treatment for them as a viable strategy. At least in my experience they find it to be a turn-off .
@@meme6335With respect, as a guy you probably won't understand this, but while I agree you shouldn't treat good looking people better than ugly people in general life it's SO important for a girl to treat men she is not romantically interested in differently than men she is. I know, just by looking at some men, that there will never be any romantic interest from my side. It's not fair to give them the impression that there could be, it's not safe to give them that impression and also in a nightclub/online dating situation, it's really just a waste of everyone's time.
Imagine telling people with such little self esteem that they gave up on in person dating entirely to do online dating, one of the worst possible things for someone’s self esteem lmao
@@bagelman2634 Ah but like I said I don't mean the popular dating apps. There are (or at least were a few years ago) online dating avenues for the lesser attractive - websites where you get to write more and less dependent on photos, the old style dating agencies etc. I know that's not good for esteem but it's better than going to the beautiful people venues and facing constant rejection surely.
Bruh the amount of times I've asked women what they want doesn't help, each woman is different in the world and everything one woman might want another woman won't want. So asking women what they want can help but a lot of the time it confuses guys. He says he honestly thinks guys are way because they ask guys, wtf
about asking women what they want: i tend to have a very small number of active social connections, usually just one or two people. i just cant maintain more connections with people and iam totally fine with this. but i also want some sort of romantic relationship and since the amount of slots for people is limited for me, i just have woman as friends. i do not want to waste my limited social time with someone who cant possibly also be a romantic partner. so one friend i have for i think 4 years now told me that i really should hang out more with guys to learn how guys behave because if i hang around with her all the time and maybe get a tinder date every now and then i will adapt more and more female behaviors and while that is not a bad thing for a friendship she said its not sexy. so when you said guys hang around with other guys and explain each other how woman work, maybe that is how men are formed?
your female friend is keeping it real, i dont know about learning from other dudes tho, depends on the dude, they have to be somewhat relatable to you, in circumstances and personality.
I think as a girl, men are better to have male friends than female friends. I think your female friends should just be acquaintances and you definitely shouldn’t be saying “I have female friends so they can become romantic”. You need friends as friends. I do think guys need to know how guys act, I wouldn’t say you should be learning from them, but when a guy acts completely differently from all other guys on a date I have to be honest and say it’s seen more as weird than it is individualistic. There’s just a regular accepted way to do things. I think there’s nothing wrong if you choose to do things differently but you can’t then expect it to go well or for her not to think it’s weird if that makes sense. It’s your choice to be unconventional and not everyone is going to understand that and they’re free to feel how they like about it just as you are free to act that way.
People gaslighting others all the time. If we will encourage invalidating and rejecting people who talk about their experiences it will only get worse. This 'trauma has altered your memories' approach has far more drawbacks than advantages.
28:14 - "Survival of the fittest" is an elitist myth. "Survival of the good enough and lucky enough" is the reality. If you survive, you survive. So it is with success in goals. Nature, and each individual life and mind, has its own conditions for success. Bring the life and nature into a good enough balance - make them complementary - and possibilities open. And there's all kinds of resentment around this, from both the successful and unsuccessful who resent others' luck, talents, circumstances, even the success of those who apply effort despite lacking the other two. Resentment can develop independent of success, because it's more about suffering, knowledge, experience, views about others and self, health, and desire than success per se. Same with depression, trauma, etc. So strive for minimal balance first, and work from there. Work on breaking your negative cycles by addressing each step in the cycle in small ways, and do the same to build positive cycles. At least these are some of the ideas I'm collecting. Struggling alonside the rest of you. Best wishes!
As in past people were color blinded, today they are emotions blinded. If you decide go out with blond hair, people think you wear orange or green its how we are clueless about emotiosn, intentions or meaning of speech. we judge people based on our experience not based on their experience so we misjudge people, and lose connection with people. I wonder the covid isolation caused that it motivated some people to change their life, for the first time and read books and study as some said that their life changed for better. but also some people became isolated and lost selfesteem etc, because thyye watch wrong type of media and believe only negative content, not the useful content.
@@alenaadamkova7617 Yeah, and in the wider world stage, the chaos and confusing situations we see, and whatever consequences come from those, are and will be potentially transformative or destructive in the same way. And the sooner we start making the small efforts to heal and "become ourselves" and start some meaningful forward momentum in life, the more we might be able to contribute to avoiding catastrophe. Easier said than done. I feel the weight and inertia like so many other strugglers.
"You should get your dating advice from a 40yo married man" Hold on... Hold on... Yeah but the dating market used to be wayyy different and it was easier to find a girlfriend. I think a lot of guys struggle with ENTERING a relationship, and so the 40yo married mans advice is only insightful ONCE you're in a relationship.
@@Dimitris_Half Biology hasn't changed, but people have, woman's "standards" for a partner now vs 20 years ago is a wild difference. Many standards and preferences for both men and women got changed to worse with online dating and rise of social media.
@@Dimitris_Half How? 20 years ago you just needed to exist, talk to a woman and you could hit it off. Now unless you own a car, a home, have decent height, looks and are willing to act as an walking ATM and personal entertainer you can't even get a 2nd date. 20 Years ago people would meet, go out and build family and lives together, majority of women now want someone who already has everything finished so they skip the "building" part
@@Dimitris_Half "biology remained the same, the standards are also the same as well" that is irrelevant as the world has changed. Lots of things. Globalism. Feminism. Political division. Economy.
@@Dimitris_Half But it hasn't, now with online dating women aren't limited as much as they have been, 20 years ago you had to get with someone relatively close to you because there was no alternative, now you can get with someone who looks way better and earns way more just by chatting online.
I think there hasn’t been any difference in standards. My mom feels much the same about men as I do. What has changed is women having money and less reliance on men, and women having more access to men. My gran was stuck in a small village with about 3 guys to choose from and while I also live in that small village I can date a guy from Canada if I wanted to. What guys are missing is that women of the past settled, because that was their options. Their standards weren’t any different, they still chose the best option available to them. We just have more options now, which is why it feels like standards have raised.
With the guy who claims to have never been rejected, I'm curious how many of the women don't know that they're being asked on a date. Depending on the relationship to the person, it seems like you might not get rejected because it may be that women just think they're hanging out with a guy they know who maybe picked an activity they like to invite them to. As a queer woman it's very common for women to invite other single queer women to an event or activity and then for people to have no idea if it's supposed to be a date or not.
"Your feelings are valid, but your interpretation of relaity is not" has gotta be the quote of the century XD
*Welcome & Disclaimer:* 06:02
*Make it May Community Challenge:* 08:44
*Modern Dating Advice Discussion:* 07:09
*TikTok Review 1: Effort Beyond Looks & Money:* 18:48
- Importance of Effort: 19:30
- Critique of "Looks, Money, Status" Formula: 21:10
- Importance of Emotional Support: 23:44
- Statistical Probabilities vs. Determinism: 24:42
- Necessary vs. Sufficient Conditions for Relationships: 28:24
- Initial Attraction vs. Long-term Value: 35:03
*TikTok Review 2: Dating App Limitations & Putting Yourself Out There:* 1:01:21
- Importance of In-Person Interaction: 1:01:28
- Dating App Selectivity & Competition: 1:03:37
- The Value of Individuality: 1:07:51
- Understanding the Benefits of Socialization: 1:10:51
- Avoiding Negative Motivation: 1:14:54
- Realistic Expectations & Timelines: 1:16:13
*Dunning-Kruger & Self-Perception:* 59:19
- Misestimating Skills & Negativity Bias: 59:19
- Impact of Trauma on Memory & Self-Perception: 59:31
- Importance of Self-Belief & Adaptability: 1:00:42
*Value vs. Deserving:* 1:19:16
- Questioning the Concept of Deserving: 1:19:30
- Intrinsic Value vs. External Validation: 1:24:49
- Building Self-Respect: 1:28:51
*The Power of Group Coaching:* 1:26:56
- Benefits of Peer Interaction & Feedback: 1:26:56
- Authentic Exploration & Growth: 1:28:59
*TikTok Review 3: Avoiding Rejection & "Psychology":* 1:30:54
- Questioning Claims & Control Groups: 1:31:54
- The Importance of Rejection: 1:35:11
- Building Independence from External Validation: 1:36:29
- Spending Time with Yourself & Earning Respect: 1:39:37
*Variable Respect & Attachment Theory:* 1:42:12
- The Toxicity of Inconsistent Approval: 1:42:12
- Impact on Self-Esteem & Addictive Relationships: 1:42:56
- Secure Attachment & Building Self-Respect: 1:51:05
*TikTok Review 4: Unbalanced Relationships & Hope:* 2:04:35
- Characterization of Psychological Drivers: 2:05:49
- Potential for Change & Growth: 2:07:11
- Accepting the Possibility of Pain: 2:13:48
- Entering Situationships with Awareness: 2:14:01
*Closing Thoughts:* 2:21:17
LEGEND
You my friend are a walking W
Madness
A real one!
thank you
The pen study is so hilarious and true. I think the takeaway is also to know yourself: you may acknowledge that the pen is definitely valuable and worth the price, and you may recommend the pen to your friends. But if you don't personally need the pen, you won't buy it.
So just because someone rejects you doesn't mean you're not valuable or worth it. Maybe they're just not in a position where they want or need you romantically, and that's OK.
@@__-bz7whIsn't that part of what vtheory and the example are saying, though?
@@__-bz7wh Thats exactly what they said bruh
@@__-bz7whthat's literally what they said?
@@aleksiwilson2295it's worthless because a pen being with 8.99$ can be because of its material costs, or because that's how people valued the pen. It doesn't really make it clear either way.
And in the end, a 9$ pen no one wants to buy is just as useless as a 1$ pen no one wants to buy.
If you are not wanted and valued, you don't have value. Because value is determined by the market. If your desired market (for example, the dating pool you are interested in, girls that are your type etc), consistently rejects and doesn't value you, even when you try to do everything right, then you don't have value.
That's just how it be. No one said this world is fair. An ugly old poor brown person isn't gonna make the average 20yo girl fall in love with him. That's not normal. SOMEONE might do him a favor eventually, but 99% won't.
That's how the world works.
So know what pen you are.
Dr. K is single handedly (with his team) bringing back a swathe of the population, who have been resigned by society to fail, into a new era of enlightenment whilst invigorating individuals to take back control of their lives. 🎉
Assist and support missions ftw!
Single handedly... with a team? 😅 how does that work?
@@themacocko6311Yeah, so Dr. K is the primary face we see, but behind him stands a dedicated team making it all possible. Together, they bring about immense positive change by empowering individuals! 😁 Does that make sense to you?
You can have hope or not, but unfortunately the numbers don’t lie, we’re in for a very rough future because we’re both a civilization that depends on a growing population and also a severely declining population. It’s going to get pretty bad.
@@TheUltimegaMan It's true, the stats do paint a challenging future. But, what do they say? Tough times breed tough people. We might be riding the rough seas, but we gotta keep sailing...and maybe docking for repairs now and then :) Keep your chin up bro, stay resilient, and let's tackle it together.
I heard flirtation being described as interactions asserting attraction with plausible deniability.
Ambiguity
act dumb. act like a himbo. act clueless.
but dont be dumb. dont be a himbo. dont be clueless.
simple.
but i dont like this. it works. byt it feels inauthentic and unsatisfying.
if u ugly then tjis doesmnt work tho i think
@@btchiaintkidding7837yea if you re a 2 it wont work even on another 2
@@btchiaintkidding7837if the other person doesn’t like it either then you don’t have to but lots of people (I wanna say women but dudes sometimes too) find the games exciting and fun so u do it for them
@@btchiaintkidding7837 the act of flirting doesn’t need to be for you, it can be for the other person.
It doesn’t need to be inauthentic, if you’re flirting right then both of you should know what’s going on. If you’re good at flirting you’ll know what’s going on and enjoy it.
Try to make it fun, if it’s not fun for you (or the other person) work on that!
I watched the self esteem video yesterday, and now the dating one today and I find it funny that the dating stream was more informative in helping me realise the nuances of self esteem. At the end of the day, this is why I love the general streams. The way the the ideas are so free flowing is similar to the way thoughts drift around in my head.
Relevant section 1:35:00
The Brain isnt able to do two big things at once.
To feel your own pain and at the same time the pain of someone else.
When you feel your pain the brain isnt able to feel the pain of others.
and when you feel pain or anxiety of others you are not able to feel or solve your own pain.
or feel empathy as e well.
Brain can do one big task at once not two big tasks at once.
Therefore forgive people for their ignorance of not understanding you pain.
and forgive each other.
because if they feel pain, or anxiety, their brain isnt able at the same moment feel anxiety of other people, therefore the brain feels like judgmental toward people.
But as people calm down and heal emotions only then they may feel empathy to each other.
@@alenaadamkova7617 Great advice
@@alenaadamkova7617Wow, I haven't thought this way but it seems so obvious now. Thanks for giving that perspective. You can really tune to the emotions of one being at the same time. Like there is only one slot :p That would also explain projection, as you try to think about other person's emotions but you are actually feeling your own and your consciousness attributes them to the other person. And that would also work in the other direction.
videos are scripted and pre written thats why you can tell he is reading when he keeps looking to his left. streams like you said are more fluid even though im sure there is some preparation.
I’ve put together my own social anxiety exposure therapy guide and I just passed the first one! Forgot my AirPods before the gym so I decided to talk to another dude at the gym without headphones in and we talked for 5 minutes and talked between sets and joked a lot. Really helped break a wall down that I just bother people by talking to them
Way to go! As a Gen Xer, it is so sad to me that speaking to strangers in public has become “weird” to many people. This trend also makes dating much harder.
@@dancingdragon3 it is very hard (it shouldn’t be) but I’m slowly learning that people aren’t out to be rude and are generally pleasant. I’m still working on how to keep conversations going and how to end them appropriately. I’ll get there hopefully
Last year, I had severe social anxiety, i couldn't even go out of the house, day by day, I tried exposure therapy and it worked like a charm, now i am getting familiar but not that great but still a whopping 85% increase in self-improvement.
Going to the gym, eating healthy, getting enough sleep + mindful mediation+ breathwork + journaling genuinely boosted my self-esteem and helped me a lot.
Great stuff, I should try that out. Keep it up Mild.
When people stay in non-reciprocal relationships and try hard to make their partner reciprocate and meet their needs, despite repeated failure, they aren't valuing themselves which often stems from low self esteem. They feel they deserve a better treatment from their partner and expect to be treated in the way they want, despite their partner is showing no signs. If they truly valued themselves, they would walk away. Take sovereignty back to your internal locus of control.
All well and good, but when women are watching thousands of tiktoks and build all these ideals of thousands of other positive traits and expect you to be all of them at once then it fails. There are delusional expectations and the reality of your partner being a human being. I expended 100% of my energy on life and marriage. She got bored easily because of watching all these extravagant things the everyday person cant afford and expecting identical treatment without consulting with reality.
@ThePestilentDefiler No reason you can’t date men. Blaming women for every problem in society and putting far too much emphasis on social media and TikTok doesn’t help you. Most women do not watch TikTok. It’s more of a teenage girl thing and honestly it really seems that just as many men watch it. Girls are on it making content that’s the only difference. Social media and the internet and phones were all created by men so perhaps you should be blaming them?
One woman isn't all women. And the sides of a partner we see isn't all of them, and we see them through our own lens of interpretation so we have blind spots and part of what we see is often illusion that has more to do with us than them.
No amount of effort can change who a person is, though through ignorance or manipulation we might be able to condition their personality and pretend or think we've changed the person. But that's not love, because to love is to know, seek to know, and to act in accordance with the real person. That can include realizing that their goals or their development or orientation towards life doesn't match ours or isn't compatible.
If so, you can "cooperate" with that reality by letting them go in the most respectful but also self-respecting way you can manage. I think that's an example of the potential wisdom to be found in the idea, "love your enemies". Love isn't about giving in, it's about seeing and learning without prejudice, with all of your being. Then the whole world becomes your ally, darkness and all, and you don't use unnecessary force when defending yourself or resolving unhealthy situations.
Easier said than done. But we can learn together.
Best wishes.
@@jaybee4288 I personally think that if someone has unrealistic standards or ideas of what a relationship should be, they should be taking responsibility for it themselves rather than blaming the person who made social media. What you said isn't relevant to this persons problem at all..
@@jaybee4288hands down the most brainrot comment i’ve seen all week wow, you are actually lost
The dating apps thing always struck me as super weird. Back when I used them, I rejected anyone who didn't have a description. Sure, I care about physical attractiveness, but I was looking for a relationship. I don't want a relationship with someone who just posts bikini pics, no matter how hot they are.
I do this, I know other women who do this, I don't know a single man who does this. If you're a man, props.
As an aside, I have declined every single woman's profile with no bio as a rule on every app I've used since 2003, when online dating was exclusive to Microsoft Explorer. I don't even care if her bio is something like "I'm pretty terrible at writing bios, but I filled out all the prompts like a dweeb!" At least the effort is there. Also no bio immediately screams bot to me.
Why are you lying 😂
I do the same but bc I assume they're AI bots for scammers
@@mugojr4766 on what basis do you make the claim that he is lying?
Imagining yourself in their shoes?
You aren't them, shocking.
People have different philosophies and standards, wants and needs, etc.
Don't call somebody a liar because you personally can't imagine yourself doing the same in their shoes, it's dishonesty towards yourself.
@De_Selby the last statement he said he can't date a woman posting a bikini no matter how hot she is . That's the lie. If he could thats who he would be dating
That point about attractive people giving out dating advice is so on point. It's like, wow, hot girl says to just put yourself out there. Why didn't I think of that?
Or that the right one will just come to you, all ypu have to do is just sit there 😂
Attention: Dealing with people does mean "dealing with people" AND "dealing with your own reactions and decisions as you deal with them" and NOT "dealing with your head-canon of the ppl before you and react from that imaginary place!" 😅
"(recongnize your intrinsic value.) Recognize that if this is not right for you, it's not right for you. You don't need to deserve better." "When we don't see our internal value, we use external measures for our value" 1:23:50
1:51:05 that self respect talk was amazing Dr K. As someone who didn't get that healthy parenting growing up, thank you. It can be so crippling. It reminds me of how at the end of Scott Pilgrim, he learns the power of self respect, and its more powerful than the power of love 💜
Also I would argue that someone being in love with you is only sweet and adorable and wonderful if you are also in love with them. If its not reciprocated, it doesn't feel great for either person. And not all love is the head over heels, butterfly in the stomach type!
Awesome stream! Thank you 😊👌
I also couldn’t help but think about Scott Pilgrim when the conversation turned to self respect. It’s a great moral for a story, and not spoken about often enough
@JoshuaNichollsMusic yes! I just wish he and Ramona hadn't ended up together at the end. To me, that would have made the message so much more powerful. I haven't read the comic though, maybe things work out differently there? 🤔
Dudes, I’m a woman who goes out on a lot of dates from online dating sites. The guy may tick all the boxes but then in person just talks about himself for 2 to 3 hours and doesn’t even ask any questions to get to know me. He’s then really keen for a second date, but if he hasn’t tried to get to know me as a human being, I have absolutely zero interest in a second date no matter how much money he makes or how good he looks. I’m looking for connection and chemistry.
Would rather be trapped in a fores-
That's what I say to most "incels" too
Like please, calm down, you get what you put in and looking at anime girls all day isn't helping
@@HackersSun or Fresh n Fit haha
This is a problem for most of the guys I meet as well. If they’re a decent conversationalist they tend to be married already. 😂
@@twilyte9557insert: UwU
Ok if a dude says he can beat a grizzly bear, the dunning kruger graph needs to be expanded to include a negative x axis for negative amount of experience
i could beat a grizzly tho. Just need a few conditions
@@badabing3391anyone can beat anything if the conditions are favorable. lets say its a random encounter, just like it would be in the wild. that makes for a plethora of variables that are (and always will be) beyond control. a firearm might not even be enough in cases of bad aim/luck or too little firepower. i always find myself doubting the ability of controlling the situation with a wild animal. might just be me tho, i dont live near bears.
No, the iq test should include negative numbers 😂
@@disdain7143 I think most predators don't attack humans if they can avoid it. If you think about it, we must appear so incredibly strange to them.
- tall apes with long limbs, standing and walking upright all the time
- brightly coloured protective fur (clothes) that doesn't cause the major injuries they'd expect if it's ripped apart (hopefully)
- super smart (compared to them at least, and only if we're not completely ignorant or in full panic mode)
- unpredictable and deadly (guns, pepper spray, flashlight, etc.)
Imagine this scenario:
A bear that's never been close to humans one day comes too close for comfort near a couple walking through the forest. He locks eyes with one of the humans. _"F*ck what do I do now? If I run away now I might be dead"_ is what he would be thinking if he wasn't a bear.
Instead of contemplating the moral implications of the actions he's about to commit, all of his instincts tell him that going full attack mode is his safest bet. He starts running to the couple while they just keep staring at him, standing there for a second and then - suddenly they start screaming at him, standing up even taller, wildly attacking the air with their weirdly long fore paws. Bear immediately recognises that they're not prey but he's already in full charge. Then in quick succession the loudest sounds he's ever heard. BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM!
Shocked, confused, ears ringing, pain, adrenaline, fear. Overwhelmed and intimidated the bear pulls out his own gun and 360 no-scopes those weird looking aliens. D-d-d-double kill. Kill. Kill... The bear buries the bodies on the spot and returns mortally wounded to his family. He doesn't survive in the end, but from that day on he will be remembered by all other animals as the guardian of the forest, and the first amendment for forest animals was created.
The end.
PS - I don't live near bears either and yes, I spent way too much time on this lmao 🤣
As a person who does, while yes some bears fear us it’s best to keep a distance and let them mind their own. Often enough they avoid us. Bbbutttt that doesn’t discredit the fact they’re pretty damn strong predators.
You wouldn’t, maybe if you were hunting it, but not if you’re just bare knuckle boxing.
"Deserve" can mean two things. One is that its ok that you have something and that it shouldn't be taken away. So if you study hard and pass the test, then you deserve the grade. If you cheat on the test you don't. It's right for the cheating mark to be taken away because it wasn't deserved. The mark you got yourself is deseved and shouldn't.
The other meaning of "deserved" is more like entitled to. So this is like thinking that if you study hard you are entitled to get a good mark whether or not you answer the questions correctly.
I think when people say you deserve a great relationship, it means the former. That if you find yourself in a great relationship, you're not unworthy of it and it doesnt need to be taken away. But it doesnt mean that you are entitled to the world somehow providing that great relationship to you.
Because we conflate these to meanings, being worthy and being entitled to, it gets confusing when we use the word deserving. You deserve to have an amazing partner if that partner and you have a relationship, and you dont need to do anything special to be worthy of it if its based on truth. But this doesnt mean that you are entitled to it and that the universe needs to make it happen for you, or that the girl of your dreams is required to give you a chance.
I love this so so much. Reminds me of a philosophical discussion group conversation I had once on the different meanings of respecting others/respecting a person. One is like a bare minimum level of human decency respect. The other is like respect in the context of authority figures being respected or being respected based on merit or something. And people conflate the meanings at times but not as much as they seem to with "deserve".
The last ten minutes of this were litty. I went for it with a lady, eyes wide open as they say, and now that I've been heartbroken I can see that I went for an unbalanced relationship but I do in fact have self respect. Despite how miserable I've been I couldn't have played it differently and now I've learnt something. I know it hurt a lot, I have no idea how much it would hurt if I had never gone balls to wall with it.
to the dude who's self conscious about putting on weight, I lost loads of weight and am still self conscious. What Dr K said about accepting it is the way to move forward
my issue is there not being anywhere really where i live to go that fits my hobbies, and if i'm not gonna go out to purposely meet someone, then i don't have a reason to go out if that's not the purpose of it, cause going by what just brings me joy, that is things that one does at home only, like digital drawing and music production on my pc, or gaming.
Maybe you can take a digital drawing class, at a local art museum, or see what events are at your local library. Ect. Ect.
I do agree tho, their is nothing to do, nothing to see and nowhere to go. Every place you inhabit has to have max effeincy or else your just wasting your money.
The only time it didn't feel like this is college, where everyone is encouraged heavily to talk to each other, people are engaging with the space to it's max capacity, and engaging with the space includes making connections with people. That is why relationships that stem from college last the longest, and have decreased divorce rates. Unfortunately college is inaccessible to many people, (including myself after some medical shennanigans) which sucks because it is like the only other place besides the church that is that personable.
Like the other comment mentioned people do online drawing together and going to an in person drawing session is fun too. I went to a couple and it was great. Unfortunately they were about an hour away. I thought about hosting my own at some place that would be cool with it, it's just people drawing so no much is needed. So maybe something to try. The cool thing about those get togethers, is that everyone there is there to meet people too so everyone is at the very least trying. Idk about music and gaming though, I imagine there will be a lot of cross over with the art folks. I used the meetup app and found some cool people.
52:49 Exaaactly, first step of building self love, consciousness, esteem, is accepting instead fighting your social awkwardness and lack of skill your flaws. ONLY then you can overcome and train them!! It's very important to realize this. I went from a basically hikikomori to a almost chad doing that.
Value vs. Deserving: 1:19:16
I want more on this concept. I think it hits well on subjects to do with when I feel I deserve more when working hard when really, I don't deserve more and that I should just find value in enjoying my work. Also might help with understanding relationships when I feel if I follow a set of commands then I should "win" a date. I know a bit meta that I undestand this about myself, its a subject that i've been circling in therapy for a while so just thought it would be good as it's own video,
I feel like this is a huge aspect of modern dating, and as much as I hate people who blame video games for shit, I do think games have influenced our thinking a lot in this respect. When you play, if you input the correct thing, you will get the desired outcome. Dating isn't like that and that's where entitlement can creep in, with all the toxicity that entails. As much as these dating guru bros like to say if you do x,y, and z, you will get chicks, it's just not that simple because people do not follow computer logic.
Good on you for working on yourself dude, holding up the mirror in therapy is not easy 💜
Deserving is an opinion, you don't get what you deserve, you get what you get(if you want the most simplistic view) or you get what you worked for(if you want more accuracy, but not too far from the truth either).
@@rhythmandblues_alibi So do you actually believe that if youre 6 foot, decent body, decent face, can socialise well, have good networth, are kind, average IQ or more, you can't get a really decent woman?
@@serban2139 I'd say those things help, but don't guarantee such an outcome, just as _not_ being those things doesn't help but doesn't mean being unable to get a decent woman. Dating - and life in general - are not deterministic, that's the point other people here have been making. It's not simple input and output.
1:04:02 I wouldn’t have met my husband at a library, bookstore, or fabric store but definitely his family’s restaurant. Thankfully he’s accepting of my hobbies, and I’ll sit at a racetrack for him. Opposites do attract. It’s a lot of work but that’s the best part, you reap the benefits of the time, effort, and value you put in helping your other person. -advice from an average person with 10 years of marriage.
25:39 I jumped a little ahead with my thoughts and now I’m gonna have to go back, the problem with asking men who’ve been in relationships for 10 years is they know how to maintain a relationship not necessarily obtain a healthy relationship. That’s an entirely different and more difficult subject. You’d need to poll the methods of how people that got into their lasting healthy relationships and see if there were commonalities there to pull from. And then get more advice for when you’re starting a new relationship to establish healthy habits from the get-go, cause a lot of people don’t have healthy examples to learn from. Could be interesting to study. I feel like someone has probably written this book already… it’s had to have been done already by someone? Maybe I’ll get more answers if I just press play.
Guys who have been in a healthy relationship for 10 years at some point obtained one…….
....... why would you ask the men, if you are a man??? You literally want to either ask both or particularly ask the women what about "what the men did" worked for them. :'D See? This is already where the whole mess starts. You cannot ask any ppl. You need to see couples that live the sort of relationship you are looking for and ask them about how they established it and how they maintain it.
General data on groups is just that. It rarely helps with individuals. What you are trying to learn is patterns and common problems and troubleshooting solutions. But working with individuals is actually about discarding all biases and "learning this human" and "speaking to them instead of assuming"
@jaybee4288 You missed the key word. It's not about having obtained any relationship at all then stayed in it for 10 years. It's about if it's a HEALTHY relationship.
Cool and good, I needed some Dr Sigmar Thundercock as my game was sperging too close to the sun.
Thank you for your service to the community, @Dolritto
F
Based and chadpilled
Bros be sperging 😂
@@jacob_massengale Sperged around and found out.
The problem isnt choosing to socialize. The problem is finding people we actually want to socialize with. I'm not trying to become the average of the 5 assholes I socialized with
6:01 stream start
And that's why Dr.K is so brilliant, he dissects and explaines all this Keyword sentences like "Put yourself out there" all of this dating coaches are saying without explaining why and what they mean with that.
Thank you so much for the stream, was amazing ~
My thumb after skipping the intro💪🏼
I have a really good friend who's a lady. She's younger than me (I'm 35, she's 25). We're both musicians (we often do the same gigs), we both are into fitness (we run together), we are both Christians, and we both like rock, anime, and games. We text and talk a lot. I asked her out 2 years ago, and she rejected me, saying I was like an older brother to her. That said, she was just out of a called off engagement. Maybe it was bad timing on my part. I haven't tried again since then. I have low expectations, and don't expect her to love me as I do her. But I do love her. I have a hardened heart since I've gone through some drama before. I can accept that she doesn't love me and doesn't owe me anything. I at least have a close friend. It sucks in some ways, but I realize that I can't control her, and that realization helps me to enjoy the friendship.
My rule was to never date a man with kids...and here we are lol! I never wanted my own, but he's such an incredibly wonderful man that the kids just became a (difficult but rewarding) bonus.
I've been thinking a lot about "deserving" lately. I think the only way to give people what they deserve is to be the person who treats good people right. Things happen, sometimes good sometimes bad, the only thing you can control is your actions.
Dr. K. I am 44 years old. I recently got diagnosed with ASD level 2 and ADHD but not hyperactive in behaviour. I have a beautiful wife and two amazing beautiful children. Our son is autistic level two also but non verbal, he is 5, now attending a school for autistic children which we feel has helped him (already) immensely. I was never non verbal. My entire adult life has been riddled with difficulty, weed and alcohol abuse. My wife, whom i love very deeply, is always angry with me, no matter how hard i work. And when i cant take her constant anger with me i leave and live in my car for, sometimes weeks, sometimes months until she asks me to come back. Clearly this is not a sustainable situation and ive had to ask my mother for a lot of financial help. I want our family to be together but my wifes constant anger and baseless accusations of infedelity and plotting against her have destoyed us. I live in my car now and my health is deterioating over time. Luckily I'm very youthful and have a good constitution. But there is so much to deal with I feel I can't stop things from getting much worse. I love my wife and children more than anything in the world, but i can not stay when there is so much anger and yelling from my wife. She is not a bad person, she has so much anxiety and it makes her think everyone is against her. I have ben watching a lot of your videos and it has been very helpful to understand myself better. Thankyou so much for your work. I would love to talk with you but of course I understand that's not really possible. Again, thank you for doing the work you do. It really has been invaluable.
Amazing stuff Joshua!
My name is also Joshua and I am not in your situation 🫣
The more I watch Dr K the more hopeless I feel sometimes. Is this normal? Great content 😅
Maybe it’s you feeling more emotionally aware of your situation, even though nothing changed
Y E S
yes it is normal. a reason could be because you just listen and feel paralyzed. try going to the discord and complete some of his challenges. perhaps that helps you achieving a different feeling
starts at 06:02
Thank you
From my perspective, as a woman, the thing that I find most attractive in a man is self-awareness and self-love. Those two things bring confidence. Confidence is much more attractive than physical looks.
Also agree about the premature ejaculation. What’s most important is to satisfy your partner. My only concern would be that my partner had a pleasurable experience. If premature ejaculation prevented my partner from enjoying himself, I would want to work on that to ensure that his experience was fulfilling.
I hear a fair amount of women say this about personality over physical attraction. What's your thoughts on physical attraction as being the first barrier to then discovering attraction to personality though?
Like I had a few dates with a woman who said I was everything she was looking for but she wasn't interested because I wasn't physically attractive to her. She told me she wanted to see if she'd be able to look past the lack of physical attraction but she couldn't.
So what I'm getting at is, there must surely be a point where no amount of good personality is enough to overcome a lack of physical attraction?
@@LuckeGabriel I’m sorry that you had this negative experience. It’s never easy.
Yes, physical attractiveness does play a role. However, a lot of physical attractiveness can be linked to self-love. Being healthy is really important. For example, someone that is carrying a lot of excess weight doesn’t love themselves enough to take care of their body. That isn’t attractive. I also think it is important to dress in a manner that shows that you want to make a good impression and that flatters your body type. Dr. K made a video about the role the of physical attractiveness. I can’t remember the name of it, but he gave good advice, as always.
One aspect of physical attractiveness that I struggle with is height. I am tall. I’m not attracted to men that are significantly shorter than I am. One or 2 inches is fine but more than that feels unbalanced. I realize this is very shallow.
@@blacalmontie Yeah just curious as I am quite content with my physique. I am slim, however this woman said I dressed well yet she is exclusively into big bulky muscular men. It has definitely made me less confident, and is frustrating because the idea of cultivating a body shape is absolutely cringeworthy to me, but it seems that this is the bar that is being set these days by a substantial amount of women.
I have a theory it's due to media, as in we're now bombarded with the most beautiful people in the world on our screens, and the more exposure to these, the more our tastes are shaped. There's a phenomenon in music with this happening already where kids today are naturally singing in the style of pitch corrected/auto tuned vocals without realising what they're doing, and then you play them back vocals without the correction/autotune and it sounds weird to them.
I strongly believe that people are shallow about something, it's fine. People don't get to choose what they want, they just want.
@@LuckeGabriel I have not noticed that trend, but I think we might be in different generations. Social media has definitely had an impact on body image. Women suffer from male body expectations also. In my case, I have been told, twice recently in fact, that they were not attracted to me because I had a flat butt. 😂. Like you, this is my body type. It’s not going to change. I’m confident you’ll find someone that finds you very attractive exactly the way you are. I do hope that society is not falling into a shallow cesspool of toxic body shaming culture…
@@blacalmontie I will pop in here to second this. Us women get the body type comments too. I ended up breaking up with someone when he started saying I needed to go to the gym to “build him an ass” and that my skin was too pale and that I could go “buy myself some boobs” because I “have no airbags.” If someone doesn’t like your body type, then you’re better without them in your life. Because they’ll be criticizing you the whole time anyway. Even if they don’t say it, they’re thinking it
The best advice to get is FROM THE PERSON YOU'RE INTO. Generally speaking people appreciate genuineness, and if you say hey I'm new to this, tell me about it. What makes you feel appreciated and cared about. What do you want from this? The people that will be good for you in a relationship will respond well. (Assuming you have an appropriate relationship to be asking questions with that level of intimacy and trust)
That can work for maintening a relationship but not for making new
Bad advice, puts you in danger of being a dancing monkey, which does not cultivate attraction. It's important to express your romantic self in a way that is genuine and a reflection of who you are, not simply a desire to appease the other person.
If you are already in a relationship with someone then understanding their wants and needs is important to maintaining that relationship, but it must be understood that what they SAY they want may not always be an objective reflection of what makes them happy and keeps them satisfied with the relationship.
If you're not already in a relationship and you ask someone you're into what they want and then just do all of those things it seems disingenuous and transactional and is actually quite off-putting, not to mention there's not point in just moulding yourself to any person you're attracted to, it's important to find someone that has complimentary traits that allow you to mesh organically.
2:03:10 I think (and in my experience) the younger we are we don’t know what we want, we just think we know what we want. That’s why talking to your elders is so valuable, even if you don’t understand in the moment.
So my working theory on this is: ask the sex that you like what they prefer AND ask your same-sex peers how to be and present yourself the best. As men, thats essentially what we’re doing here on this stream.
i disagree. if you ask women what they want, they can not tell you in a way that is helpful. they will make things up and you will end up confused. instead what you can do is expose yourself to women, try different things and watch their bodylanguage for level of comfort. you will see what works immediately and thanks to immediate gratification your brain will learn intuitively
@@stephanieherman2861 I agree that that’s probably what works or would work, since we all teach each other perpetually how we want to be interacted with. The reason I disagree with your statement is is that the most anxious people are the ones that won’t do that. The fear and stress is too much.
If were talking about guys, the fear of rejection or getting accused of crossing a boundary will paralyze him, meanwhile the desire builds up. Both fear and desire makes a guy stand still just staring at the woman, the result: is coming of as creepy or weird, the woman’s body language (if he catches it at all) is that of rejection and thus the negative feedback loop begins.
Now, the way out is making yourself more attractive and desirable so there enough interest for both parties to overcome the awkwardness of the poor social skills while they develop in the way you mentioned.
@@stephanieherman2861 they will just tell you what they think makes you think best of them
@@stephanieherman2861 I agree that that’s what works and/or what would work since we are all teaching each other how we want to be interacted with. The problem I see with your statement is that the people who would benefit the most are the least likely to do it because they are so incredibly anxious and do not have the skill.
Lets say a guy with poor social skill and vocabulary goes up to a woman who he is romantically/sexually interested in. The fear of rejection kicks in and is paralyzed. Now he just standing there staring at her looking like a creep or just mumbles, her body language (if he even picks up on it) is that of a person being uncomfortable or threatened, thus the negative feedback loop begins.
A way out of this loop is to make yourself more attractive and desirable, enough that It’ll reduce the friction of poor social skill while you’re actively working on it.
@@ivanpadilla4479 in this scenario, if he picks up that the person is being uncomfortable then he is learning from that. Of course he might not feel very well about it, but perhaps it gives him motivation to keep on improving and try something new. Interaction with someone who he is interested in is so hard because he does not want to mess up and at the same time he has no experience on what is working. A good starting point for learning social interactions might me interactions with people who have no other chance than to interact with him. perhaps at work, in a football club, at the hairdressers and so on. Improving attractiveness is one strategy certainly. But there are way more things that can help. My experience is, that when you feel good, then you can look as badly as you want, people will still react positively to you. I even tested this by looking ultra bad before entering a danceparty. I love dancing, so my mood was very good. It made me so present and grounded that although i had greasy hair, dirty clothes, was all sweat and so on, i still had very positive reactions.
Those discord notifications always get me
Same XD I went over to check. Took me a bit to notice they're from the video XDDDD
i understand what the last guy said, but i think he phrased it wrong. you can't show disinterest. people pick up on this very quickly when someone is disinterested. what i think he means is that you need to get to a state of mind that you don't care if the other person likes you or not (not too much at least), it's not something you'd be concerned about. you still need to show interest, and not fake interest, actual interest. you just put yourself in a mental place where you are not trying too hard to get the other person to like you. when you're preoccupied for other people to like you, you get desperate, you mess up, you say the wrong thing, then panic, then try to back track and it's one giant train wreck. that desperation shows very plainly. this is very nuanced and takes time to get there. took me many many interactions with people over several years and im still not completely there, but i am considerably far more comfortable around new people, especially of the opposite sex, than i was 5 years ago. and when someone doesn't like me in the same way, well i can't change that, so i accept it and manage to move on without getting attached to that person, which is something i was doing constantly in the past. when you finally managed to think and feel in this way, you will be much more relaxed, much more natural, you just flow with it effortlessly, you appear and feel much more confident. and if it works it works, if you don't connect with that person, you don't. it is what it is.
About problem with studies and distinction between revealed and stated preferences. There's a brilliant, tho a bit dated (13 years old!), comment by another psychiatrist (Scott Alexander) about this:
> This is a terrible debate and you should all feel bad for having it. Now let me join in.
> The research on this topic is split into "completely useless" and "mostly useless". In the former category **we have studies that, with a straight face, purport to show that women like nice guys by asking women to self-report on their preferences.** To illuminate just how silly this is, **consider the mirror case of asking men "So, do you like witty charming girls with good personalities, or supermodels with big breasts?" When this was actually done, men rated "physical attractiveness" only their 22nd most important criterion for a mate - number one was "sincerity", and number nineteen was "good manners".** And yet there are no websites where you can spend $9.95 per month to stream videos of well-mannered girls asking men to please pass the salad fork, and **there are no spinster apartments full of broken-hearted supermodels who just didn't have enough sincerity. So self-reports are right out.**
> Other-reports may be slightly less silly. Herold and Milhausen, 1999, found that **56% of university women believed that women in general were more likely to date jerks than nice guys. But although women may have less emotional investment in the issue than men, their opinions are still just opinions.**
> **The few studies that earn the coveted accolade of "only mostly useless" are those that try to analyze actual behavior.** Bogart and Fisher typify a group of studies that show that **good predictors of a man's number of sexual partners include disinhibitedness, high testosterone levels, "hypermasculinity", "sensation seeking", antisocial personality, and extraversion.** Meston et al typify a separate group of studies on sex and the Big Five traits when she says that "agreeableness was the most consistent predictor of behavior...disagreeable men and women were more likely to have had sexual intercourse and with a greater number of partners than agreeable men and women. **Nonvirgins of both sexes were more likely to be calculating, stubborn, and arrogant in their interpersonal behavior than virgins. Neuroticism predicted sexual experience in males only; timid, unassertive men were less sexually experienced than emotionally stable men...the above findings were all statistically significant at p
(continued)
**So I think these filters work and people who have a policy of rejecting suitors who really deeply desire them in a way that makes them not interchangeable with the next "prospect" to come along - they will, in fact, successfully eliminate suitors who really deeply desire them and consider them non-interchangeable. And then ten years later one night in bed they ask their personal trainer why their husband or wife is so frigid.**
I know that the Official Narrative is that you're supposed to not get too obsessed with someone until you've been in a relationship with them a while, and you ask them out when you just have a vague preference for them but later you warm up to them and after a few months or years you're genuinely in love and then you can do all the stuff I want to do immediately like write them sonnets and sestinas and maybe some ruba'iyat.
**But the Official Narrative doesn't take into account that actually when I like someone my brain tells me right away and goes into Full Obsession Mode.** Maybe there are people who don't work like that. Maybe they're the ones who write Official Narratives, while the rest of us are wasting our time writing sestinas and exquisite works of Arabic literature.
**Now, don't get me wrong. I know that True Love is really inconvenient. It might not be requited, and then it would be a huge mess and no one would have any idea what to do, because our culture tells us that True Love Must Always Conquer Everything. If some woman I didn't like expressed True Love for me, it would make me feel guilty and horrible.**
**And because I'm just as susceptible to the Just World Fallacy as anyone else, I would tell them it wasn't true love at all but just plain Creepiness. And that it makes her a bad person and she should be ashamed of herself and so rejecting her is not only okay but actively heroic. And all my neighbors would support me in this, because we all know that True Love is the most powerful thing in the universe, even more powerful than nuclear weapons, and so we can't just let random people go around having it any more than we would just let random people have the Bomb.**
**But when we reach the point where letting it slip that you love someone is pretty much social suicide, that's...not good. I'm trying to imagine what G. K. Chesterton would write if he saw that sentence above - "I know that True Love is really inconvenient"** - and then write that, but I'm no G. K. Chesterton and also everything Chesterton wrote was beautiful but totally illogical and I don't want to end up like that anyway.
wow I gained a lot, thx❤
Dr K, when people say someone 'deserves better' it's not a reference to the course of nature or a philosophical question about the meaning of human existence and suffering. I think it's more down to earth: the things you 'deserve' are those you can influence and you have control over, like changing job, living healthy, letting go of abusive people and putting yourself out there. I would say the 'things within your control' is implied.
This is an interesting take.
I thought about it in terms of "I've put in a lot of time and effort, and so i should be paid what i am due" with in the context is the relationship.
The implication is, if I'm gonna do all this again, it better be a good deal
52:18 in, gotta say - best thing I've done in my life, and science seems to confirm: latino dancing (salsa bachata & kizomba). It hijacked my competitive gamer brain with the moves and coordination and, well, gamified aspects to it (salsa feels like Sekiro unironically) and through its social aspects made me socialize pretty much 6 days a week every week. I went from the grumpy asshole to the most outgoing person in my group in just two years. Bonus points for the fact there's almost always more girls than guys so I counterbalanced my IT nerd sausage fest upbringing.
I wanna meet the picard goat...
Dr. K’s point about how sometimes the less invested person gets their person in the end was even better. My now girlfriend had to deal with me not thinking we were a match for far too long. Now i couldn’t live without her :)
25:00 this is such a good point you make. The people to take advice from are not the bros who big themselves up and say that they are successful because of all the "hoes" they get 🤢 Where are all the mature men 40, 50+ in happy secure relationships, mentoring young men? I feel like most guys dont want to necessarily get *all the girls* they want a relationship with one girl, so why are all dating gurus about body count? Its so weird.
It also cracked me up when the first guy was like "get rizz." 😅 Like yeah, if it was that easy to be charismatic, everyone would be. Charisma is not swagger, its intrinsic and rare which is why we naturally gravitate toward people who have it. There are ways to talk to people you want to date without being charming. I would argue it's far more important to be authentic than charming. After all, narcissists are very charming! It does not make them good long-term partners.
Why would you want the advice of mature men who have long term relationships when it comes to finding dates? It's gonna be the same story, got introduced by friends and together ever since. Met at class, together ever since. Met at mutual hobby, together ever since. For a guy who isn't insane the hard part is two-fold. 1. Finding women who are willing to talk to you, and 2. Getting them to develop romantic feelings for you.
If you're a regular nice dude then as soon as you figure out 1 and 2 you're fucking cruising baby. I doubt you need help with the "happily ever after" if you're a regular dude that has their shit together. It's the "making a woman develop feelings for you" part that is ridiculously hard if you aren't the average dudebro rizzler. So you need to develop some of those skills first or else you'll be doomed to forever be the "nice guy who everyone thinks of like a brother or best friend" or whatever.
> Where are all the mature men 40, 50+ in happy secure relationships, mentoring young men?
Just a reminder that those men likely get their partners in times when dating was really different. So their advice on finding the partner would be completely irrelevant.
Honestly as a girl I’d say you should at least try to be charming. Far too many guys today approach and I really don’t know whether they like me or not. First of all that’s not flattering/attractive and secondly it usually just leaves me confused as to whether he’s just being friendly or not.
Today’s guys are a bit odd, y’all say you want a relationship but you don’t want to put any effort in. It’s a bit bizarre. Of course you have to try to stand out from other men. Honestly I think a lot of you are simply too apathetic/lazy for a relationship, and im not saying that to be mean, but from reading what guys are saying im like why on earth do you even want one. I think it might be guys who can’t get a relationship thinking it’s some miracle cure or something, but trust me it’s not.
If you don’t like women and you don’t like making effort, a relationship with a woman is the absolute last thing you want.
@@jaybee4288Or they want easy women
@@Straga_SeveraI think you should try to change your negative perception of females. You keep saying how everything has changed with the internet but it really hasn’t. It’s just easier to date, that doesn’t mean everything’s changed. I have a feeling you’re just chasing the wrong people
As a 29 year old woman, I’m constantly astounded at how most people focus on the most vapid aspects of people when considering a partner to share their life with. It’s all about character, compatibility, and deep connection.
The GOAT been streaming more
Never go to "your licensed health care dealer"... unless you have medical insurence. Just self-teach, research, learn and grow with help from all the sources on the internet.
Thank all of you for taking the time to be here and present.
1:43:31 He’s saying stop letting people “Gamble” on your respect. Consistently give yourself the respect you want
1:35:00 this is such a good point! Rejection is not an inherently bad thing, its only the worst thing in the world if your fragile ego can't take it. The way to find someone who is right for you is to ask lots of people and figure out what you actually like! And the more rejections you experience, the easier it gets, because you realise there are loads of reasons why you might not be right for someone, and a lot of it has nothing to do with you personally. So don't take it personally! I think we need to bring back organic dating, just asking people out who you meet in person.
We all deserve better (by the grace of all humans having basic needs and human rights is our agreement on these having to be granted unconditionally, ideally, that is!)
.......... AND we're not "entitled" to better!
58:52 - Gonna get kinda weird and philosophical/metaphysical here and share some thoughts: The past only exists for us as two things, physical evidence and memories. And those both exist in the present. So I like to think of things like trauma, recovery, and paradigm shifts almost like time travel, or reality travel. When you reach a new understanding or view of the world it's almost like it transforms the past and transports you to a new reality, and your possible futures transform with it. If anyone's watched Steins;Gate you can use that as an analogy slightly. Your "world line" changes, for better or worse.
So if you have a terrible past, your efforts in the present can transform it. And this is why you hear impressive people saying things like "I wouldn't change the traumatic past that contributed to where I am." They've used their agency in the present and transformed the past, at some point in their life.
So if your past and your circumstances are terrible, have some faith, and start the work. Disidentify with "doomedness", "being a failure", etc., bit by bit.
Best wishes! Working on it myself.
My goal this last year was to make male friends, not romantically, but as genuine friends. It's been great to get their insight.
For me, it is partly my lack of experience of being a social people but most girls will talk shit behind my back. I could only get feedback only if their other male friends happen to take pity on me and tell me about it. But still it is vague, the feedback are like he is a creep, or he is a jerk, etc. The problem is that I don’t know what makes them say that, and I don’t know how to improve. All I can do is guess and change but it is impossible to recreate the scenarios with the same girls again. Anyway, from listening to my parents recounting their younger days, and listening to other similar aged couples, it seems like relationship just happen because they just happen to able to tolerate each other despite their flaws, and they also can’t verbalize why similar people didn’t work with them. They just happen to fall into love together and that’s it.
1:00:13 I believe it's Paul Conti for those wondering. He has a book about trauma.
On the segment about being in a nonreciprocal relationship, I'm seeing a lot of comments about you shouldn't settle for someone's breadcrumbs and you deserve more than to be treated like garbage and engaging with it at all comes from low esteem. There is definitely truth to these sentiments, but it doesn't take away from the big thing I think Dr. K was saying.
You have to measure how the relationship is uneven and decide if your level of investment is healthy for yourself should things turn sour in end. Keep your eyes open and watch their behavior. Listen to what they say when you have conversations. Actions speak louder than words but words held up to their actions give you good glimpses of what to expect from them as well. Obviously if someone says they love you and then they hurt you or treat you like a toy for amusement, you know that's probably not healthy fit for you. But if what if someone says dating is scary for them and you watch them try and slowly learn to see themselves in a healthy relationship with you, is it so bad? I don't think so, and maybe in that case giving it time to see where things progress may be a measured risk that feels worth it for you
Ultimately, love and dating is definitely still complicated and you should never settle for abuse. That doesn't mean if someone fails to fall in love with you as immediately as you fall for them that you're doomed for failure either though. Who knows? Who's to say your pace is right? Maybe you do fall a little too hard or too fast. Perspective goes both ways and the whole process is really just about working to be good partners for each other. Anywho toodleloo lovebirds :) I wish you all the best
The new song at the beginning sounds so good
Anyone find the song yet ? 👀
Yeah, that was giving some Indian Krishna flute sound with some Western mix
1:35:13 Damn, Dr. K just singled out everything that I did wrong in my last relationship; and it's true, I was terrified of being rejected/abandoned
I have a question for editors. Why you're don't cut first waiting minutes of the streams? Also my cat always freaks out when she hears flute stuff that plays on the waiting section.
Overall I'm grateful for all the work that HG is doing
I want to know how someone can be so interested in you but suddenly "lose interest" or "lose feelings." And I'm talking about over the course of DATING. Before they decide they want a relationship with you
Thye want intimacy but looking for a right person...who has attachment style similar to a real intimacy maybe.
Intimacy ôlike:
1, talking about things, about hobbies, interests
2, understanding each other, connection
hypergamy?
@robotmechanicalwhizkid2521 that’s incel talk.
@@jaybee4288 how would you answer the persons question then?
There's a few reasons. The first is that this is actually an excuse to get out of the relationship, which could be for a variety of reasons, usually that you met someone else or you don't want to get too attached due to other personal goals. But also sometimes you do just lose that interest and spark. I met a guy who I dated 3 times and I honestly thought I might marry him, he was so interesting to me, and I was very attracted and he just felt like the one. But 4th date onwards, I dunno what happened. It's like we'd exhausted all of our conversation, he was just repeating himself, I was still very physically attracted which kinda led to it lasting longer than it probably should have. But my interest in talking to him just vanished and I was quite sad about it, but it was an internal feeling you couldn't really shake. Other people I spoke to were more interesting to me etc and I just realised it wasn't going anywhere.
I think the answer is you can lose interest when it stops being interesting or when other things become more interesting. It's a better question to ask how people retain interest, which I guess is by not revealing too much too soon. I notice a lot of guys these days come into date one like we're already together, and I know everything about them and their life after the first date, and then they act like we're a couple. And so the chemistry and romance is just killed instantly. I think people are in too much of a rush to get into a relationship, too much of a rush to get into bed, and I think that's how you kill interest. A true romance needs to build up over time, you can't just start at the end goal because then what's left?
“Can we get advice from normal looking people” - a very sexy charismatic and funny Indian man with a phd.
Yeah he is a 7/10 on the Indian scale, but he is very charismatic, and intellectually irrefutably agreeable and understanding of emotional reaction which gives him the upper hand of introspective reactionary rather than impulsively reactionary to a given situation.
"The respect that matters the most to programmers, is the respect of their peers, not their superiors."
I would love to hear more about this topic.
"You should be getting dating advice from 40 year old men who have been married for a decade."
Except these men found their partners before the current societal and dating changes, so they are probably some of the worst people you could get advice from. I often see people 35+ say they essentially caught "the last chopper out of nam" in regards to finding a woman, because it has never been more difficult than it is right now.
I find it a bit contradictory to say that Rizz is when people have a vision for the future, but at the same time we shouldn‘t expect things, in order not to get disappointed. I say this as someone who takes this approach of zero expectations a lot. But isn‘t it charismatic when someone shares their big visions for the future with a confidence that seems to mean they believe in their vision? Like when people ask me I dodge the questions and say I don‘t wanna expect anything from my life so I don‘t get disappointed, but the much more charismatic answer would be that I confidently believe I will be successful in the future. Am I missing something here? If someone has a vision is it possibly that at the same time that vision is not an expectation at the same time?
I think what he is saying is that having clear goals and a vision for yourself is really attractive, demonstrates charisma, and is something you should want for yourself, but not having super high expectations to be perfect at every step in your journey is essential too. If you want to achieve bigger dreams, you have to recognize that sometimes thing won't go the way you planned, and beating yourself up harshly when you fail or hesitating to try at all in fear of failure will be the biggest killers of your progress no matter what you do. You should still believe that you can get there one day and continue to move yourself closer to that goal, but he was saying that it's not practical to so intensely hold the reality of yourself to flame of your ideals either and that patience and perseverance is critical in the process.
In terms of dating, he mentioned this specifically in the case of people who struggle with social skills when talking to people. "Try practicing all the time with the goal of getting 40% better by the end of 6 months" I think is what he said. It's practical and leaves room for you to surprise yourself and feel proud if you excel without reaffirming you're a failure at this if it flops a bit, but he never said to give up which makes sense since it still communicates an overall positive attitude that people would be drawn to. Hope that helps :)
55:50 Phase 2 is legendarily freaky and I’m going at it rn while I calmly yet frantically try to piece together my authentic self with acceptance and stuff like tgat
"Personal experience is the foundation of all knowledge" He just threw that out there so casually.
Let's be VERY clear about the situation-ships, OK? If you both openly agree to have a situation-ship for a while then that's fine. If you speak about your feelings and get rejected and what follows if a conversation about friendship, then you DID get rejected and you are to either process your feelings and be a proper 100% friend with 0% resentment build-up or you are to leave cause you're in no place to seriously maintain a friendship. Do not confuse these situations!!!
Sick vid dr k ill try my best
If somebody complains about not getting dates, we only need to see a picture to know why. And maybe a picture of who they would like to date. It's that simple
I’ve been socializing for three months and already feel much more comfortable talking to people
Could someone explain what he meant when he talked about not wanting to date an Indian girl? I’m not Indian but I think the cultural differences are interesting to know about.
I wanted to hear your thoughts on the importance of emotional support because that’s been a big lack for me in my relationships, but I don’t know how realistic it really is for me to get that as much as I want it. I went through neglect and abuse in childhood so I’m aware I place a lot more importance on emotional support than those who didn’t, and I go through more emotions than people who didn’t. But maybe that’s still reason why I need a partner who gives more emotional support than my current partner. He says he’s there for me and I can talk to him about anything, but when I do, he isn’t good at making me feel heard or comforted.
I love this format.
Thank you so much for sharing it.
The Mount Everest Jean-Luc Picard goat (the GOAT 🐐) is now a part of my personal head canon and my life is greatly improved by it. ❤
“Deserving better” is really a myth . Good point 👍
Damn... the world needs you ... can't love you more than this ❤ .. this is a million dollar advice session
this stream was great Dr. K thank you, a lot of people in the live chat sadly prove the point of having a bad mindset towards the other sex that stops them from making the right steps in the first place to connect with possible partners.
Dr. K says that people are not honest when saying what they want in a partner, yet also says that men should ask women for advice on attracting partners. Which is it, my guy?
Those aren't mutually exclusive, and you misinterpreted the pen experiment dishonesty thing. People aren't honest about what they think they WOULD want because they don't fully know until they choose. They are certainly better (though still not perfect!) about assessing why they did make a choice. In your example, asking old married couples why they got together and how theyve stayed together is more like asking someone why they chose to buy the pen that they did for sure already buy.
@@aawillma > In your example, asking old married couples why they got together
... means nothing in practical sense, because dating marked heavily shifted in last 5-7 years.
They can give good advice for time-travellers, that I agree with ;-)
@@Straga_Severa_ My wife and I have been together for 15 years and have been dating online and on apps that entire time... 😂
Cant wait for the pick up artist review, not least because I tried the "normal" approach of "just be open and honest, express your feelings" blah blah approach (maybe that works if you're not an Autist, I can't vouch for normal peoples experiences though) and was a virgin until I was 24. Once I learnt some basic stuff from pick up artists I lost my virginity within 6 weeks and have had very few issues since.
I would love to know why their approach works for me when its so bad, but and the "good advice" gets me nowhere.
It works because it works, we associate negative connotations to pickup artistry (maybe rightfully so) but if what they teach didn't work then they wouldn't have students who repeat buy from them and then become teachers themselves in some cases.
I don't think a majority of the population are ready to hear what actually works when it comes to attracting women as a heterosexual man and what women find attractive in said men.
It works for you because they are teaching "acting" and not "behaviour". Aka you will end up with integrity like it or not as that is fundamentally in the nature of people who are autistic. What you likely struggle with was how to adjust your tone to the situation. Thus in your case, mimicking did help. The thing is just, that "getting laid" is also often not exactly the goal. Or at least not after a few rounds.
The problem with their advice is, that it's "acting" and that may last enough to get ppl laid, but it typically starts failing miserably right after, as the "acting" breaks down on the long run. Just like "masking" will break down in long-term 1x1. The advice is not "be yourself". That is a too literal take :'D The advice is "Show up as yourself AND attend to the needs of the person you are interacting with from a place of care and respect. And when your needs do not match, have respectful conversations about that and see if you can work it out"
It's not a "Be blunt and be yourself at any expense" :'3
You could say that you have a core of integrity by default. We neurodiverse lots suck at acting and we're infamous at this point for being incapable to put on log-term acts and tolerate nonsense! But neurotypical ppl can hold up acts for veery long times and if at their core they are egocentric and sexistic, then that will show, particularly once partners are "tied up" and already relying on support. Then what ensues is often a very ugly abusive mess. Thus they need a "Sell yourself, not an act" and "Improve your self, not your acting"
@@KxNOxUTAYeah, it's fake.
It works if you want to get laid, but doesn't help you get in a happy long term relationship.
Unless of course I'm wrong, let me know. But "acting" doesn't usually work after a few months.
Did you just go into the city and ask women her number?
Authenticity 100% all the time. Keeps me integral, and if they don't become a part of my; I still have my brothers
41:00 Most Charisma is Looks and Social Dominance.
🌻🤗the best psychiatrist so far on RUclips.. so true what you say Dr. K. Yes it was a hard lesson to understand that nobody or the world does not own us anything and that we don’t have to be liked by everybody as we ourselves don’t like everybody too so it’s peoples right to reject us and also to accept us, everybody is different.!
I think most people would find dating easier if they accepted that life isn't fair and not every avenue is suitable for everyone. I see so many guys in nightclubs trying to pick up girls, and it's always going to go worse for them than their friends, and yeah that might be unfair and it might suck, but like how many times does that have to happen before he just says this doesn't work for him and looks for an avenue that does. And they do exist. Online dating is still a great avenue for less desirable people, but again not the big apps with all the beautiful people, because that's essentially an online nightclub. Also workplaces, friendship groups etc. Bemoaning that all women are wicked because we treat confident and better looking men better on a night out is silly, especially given that the guy has usually passed over a bunch of less confident and worse looking women to get to that specific girl. We really aren't that different and I'm not sure why men feel that the 8's and 9's should entertain a 4 when they won't even entertain a 4 themselves. People just need to get their expectations in check, it isn't hard to find one single person that will date them, but yeah of course not everyone is going to attract lots of the opposite sex. Life just doesn't work like that.
This works both ways. As a girl I get far more male attention when I hang out with some of my average friends than when I’m with the health and beauty girls. A lot more. Wanting to date up isn’t exclusive to girls, we just are more likely to be successful at it.
While I understand the sentiment I think it's important to not treat good-looking people way better than others based solely on their looks alone. True confidence sure as it can be a developed character trait that is admirable but not beauty. In a funny way staying away from attractive people who you feel are out of your league in the end still has the same effect as not interacting with average or below-average-looking people, all you're doing is limiting the pool of potentially compatible people you could meet either way.
Perhaps it's different because I'm a guy but regardless of how attractive or unattractive I am I don't think going above and beyond for women and obsessing over their beauty is something that is going to make them more attracted to me so I don't really see special treatment for them as a viable strategy. At least in my experience they find it to be a turn-off .
@@meme6335With respect, as a guy you probably won't understand this, but while I agree you shouldn't treat good looking people better than ugly people in general life it's SO important for a girl to treat men she is not romantically interested in differently than men she is. I know, just by looking at some men, that there will never be any romantic interest from my side. It's not fair to give them the impression that there could be, it's not safe to give them that impression and also in a nightclub/online dating situation, it's really just a waste of everyone's time.
Imagine telling people with such little self esteem that they gave up on in person dating entirely to do online dating, one of the worst possible things for someone’s self esteem lmao
@@bagelman2634 Ah but like I said I don't mean the popular dating apps. There are (or at least were a few years ago) online dating avenues for the lesser attractive - websites where you get to write more and less dependent on photos, the old style dating agencies etc. I know that's not good for esteem but it's better than going to the beautiful people venues and facing constant rejection surely.
Alot of dating is just trying. Getting rejected and trying again. It's sucks how one sided it is but its kinda always been like that
Bruh the amount of times I've asked women what they want doesn't help, each woman is different in the world and everything one woman might want another woman won't want. So asking women what they want can help but a lot of the time it confuses guys. He says he honestly thinks guys are way because they ask guys, wtf
I really hope that they do another movie that follows Riley into high school and we met love, lust, and depression
What's the name of the music you use in your opening?
It's very moving.
about asking women what they want:
i tend to have a very small number of active social connections, usually just one or two people. i just cant maintain more connections with people and iam totally fine with this.
but i also want some sort of romantic relationship and since the amount of slots for people is limited for me, i just have woman as friends. i do not want to waste my limited social time with someone who cant possibly also be a romantic partner.
so one friend i have for i think 4 years now told me that i really should hang out more with guys to learn how guys behave because if i hang around with her all the time and maybe get a tinder date every now and then i will adapt more and more female behaviors and while that is not a bad thing for a friendship she said its not sexy.
so when you said guys hang around with other guys and explain each other how woman work, maybe that is how men are formed?
your female friend is keeping it real, i dont know about learning from other dudes tho, depends on the dude, they have to be somewhat relatable to you, in circumstances and personality.
I think as a girl, men are better to have male friends than female friends. I think your female friends should just be acquaintances and you definitely shouldn’t be saying “I have female friends so they can become romantic”. You need friends as friends. I do think guys need to know how guys act, I wouldn’t say you should be learning from them, but when a guy acts completely differently from all other guys on a date I have to be honest and say it’s seen more as weird than it is individualistic. There’s just a regular accepted way to do things. I think there’s nothing wrong if you choose to do things differently but you can’t then expect it to go well or for her not to think it’s weird if that makes sense. It’s your choice to be unconventional and not everyone is going to understand that and they’re free to feel how they like about it just as you are free to act that way.
She’s telling you to be more masculine
May I know where can I find music? I really like it's vibe. Like a lot❤
this is one of the best videos I've ever watched, especially at 1:08:00
44:36 just open enough "chests" untill you find relationship..
People gaslighting others all the time. If we will encourage invalidating and rejecting people who talk about their experiences it will only get worse. This 'trauma has altered your memories' approach has far more drawbacks than advantages.
28:14 - "Survival of the fittest" is an elitist myth. "Survival of the good enough and lucky enough" is the reality. If you survive, you survive. So it is with success in goals.
Nature, and each individual life and mind, has its own conditions for success. Bring the life and nature into a good enough balance - make them complementary - and possibilities open.
And there's all kinds of resentment around this, from both the successful and unsuccessful who resent others' luck, talents, circumstances, even the success of those who apply effort despite lacking the other two.
Resentment can develop independent of success, because it's more about suffering, knowledge, experience, views about others and self, health, and desire than success per se. Same with depression, trauma, etc.
So strive for minimal balance first, and work from there. Work on breaking your negative cycles by addressing each step in the cycle in small ways, and do the same to build positive cycles.
At least these are some of the ideas I'm collecting. Struggling alonside the rest of you. Best wishes!
As in past people were color blinded, today they are emotions blinded.
If you decide go out with blond hair, people think you wear orange or green
its how we are clueless about emotiosn, intentions or meaning of speech.
we judge people based on our experience not based on their experience so we misjudge people, and lose connection with people.
I wonder the covid isolation caused that it motivated some people to change their life, for the first time and read books and study
as some said that their life changed for better.
but also some people became isolated and lost selfesteem etc, because thyye watch wrong type of media and believe only negative content, not the useful content.
@@alenaadamkova7617 Yeah, and in the wider world stage, the chaos and confusing situations we see, and whatever consequences come from those, are and will be potentially transformative or destructive in the same way. And the sooner we start making the small efforts to heal and "become ourselves" and start some meaningful forward momentum in life, the more we might be able to contribute to avoiding catastrophe.
Easier said than done. I feel the weight and inertia like so many other strugglers.
When guys ask for dating advice online half of the men respond that it's not worth it , the other half say go overseas..
Sounds like decent advice🤷♂️
"I've never been rejected..." *Presses X to doubt*
who said that?
LOL at the guy who said he was never rejected. 100% lies. Dr. K. knew it hahaha
"You should get your dating advice from a 40yo married man" Hold on... Hold on... Yeah but the dating market used to be wayyy different and it was easier to find a girlfriend. I think a lot of guys struggle with ENTERING a relationship, and so the 40yo married mans advice is only insightful ONCE you're in a relationship.
@@Dimitris_Half Biology hasn't changed, but people have, woman's "standards" for a partner now vs 20 years ago is a wild difference.
Many standards and preferences for both men and women got changed to worse with online dating and rise of social media.
@@Dimitris_Half
How? 20 years ago you just needed to exist, talk to a woman and you could hit it off. Now unless you own a car, a home, have decent height, looks and are willing to act as an walking ATM and personal entertainer you can't even get a 2nd date.
20 Years ago people would meet, go out and build family and lives together, majority of women now want someone who already has everything finished so they skip the "building" part
@@Dimitris_Half "biology remained the same, the standards are also the same as well" that is irrelevant as the world has changed. Lots of things. Globalism. Feminism. Political division. Economy.
@@Dimitris_Half But it hasn't, now with online dating women aren't limited as much as they have been, 20 years ago you had to get with someone relatively close to you because there was no alternative, now you can get with someone who looks way better and earns way more just by chatting online.
I think there hasn’t been any difference in standards. My mom feels much the same about men as I do. What has changed is women having money and less reliance on men, and women having more access to men. My gran was stuck in a small village with about 3 guys to choose from and while I also live in that small village I can date a guy from Canada if I wanted to. What guys are missing is that women of the past settled, because that was their options. Their standards weren’t any different, they still chose the best option available to them. We just have more options now, which is why it feels like standards have raised.
With the guy who claims to have never been rejected, I'm curious how many of the women don't know that they're being asked on a date. Depending on the relationship to the person, it seems like you might not get rejected because it may be that women just think they're hanging out with a guy they know who maybe picked an activity they like to invite them to.
As a queer woman it's very common for women to invite other single queer women to an event or activity and then for people to have no idea if it's supposed to be a date or not.
Such a fun session love it!
2:01:00 No, Doc. You said it yourself earlier. People's indicated preferences don't strongly correlate with their actions.
Best word for this is ambivalent 👍
Why do y’all have squishies next to your names?
@@kikialeaki1850 They're loyalty badges. They come as perks with membership to this channel.
@@kikialeaki1850
They are members of the channel.
@@Hexanitrobenzene interesting…like admins?