Everybody always talks about having a back up plan “if he cheats”, “if he leaves you”, etc. You could be married to the most loyal, devoted, loving man and STILL need a backup plan. What if he gets cancer and dies? What if he’s permanently disabled in a car accident? Women need a backup plan REGARDLESS of their spouse’s character.
A real couple will talk about that and plan TOGETHER. I got myself and my wife on health insurance PLUS supplemental insurance to further cover hospital stays, cancer insurance, and $100,000 life insurance. I as a loving husband want to know that even if I die, my wife will be able to keep going with the life insurance paying out to her. This shouldn’t be something a wife has to think about by herself. In a real relationship, you work together through everything.
@@mb10637yep! My husband and myself have a 500,000 life insurance plan , 401k and of course other insurances for fire / water damage etc . That’s what a PARTNERSHIP IS.
A serious couple will talk about it and have this situation in mind. I talked about this before getting married that there should be a back up plan and that he needs to plan accordingly.
This content has been bothering me for a while. People who think women used to "not work" and were "taken care of" have a fundamental misunderstanding of history... We worked, we just weren't paid for it. We weren't "taken care of," we were controlled. Due to poor mental health, I've always struggled to take advantage of the freedoms afforded to me by feminist movements, but I'm thankful to even have the opportunity to work (for money) and spend/save my money how I like. And it's nice to be looked at as a human, not a doll or accessory. Also, ladies... YOU enjoying traditional gender roles doesn't mean that women "BELONG" anywhere. That is YOUR experience. We (humans, regardless of gender) are more complex than prescribed roles of any type could encapsulate.
THIS. Women worked throughout history. Perhaps the most important part of the video and something NOBODY seems to be talking about...the fact that the 50s does NOT represent 'TRADITIONAL'.
@rutabaga_ruth5450 When you say nonsense like "We weren't "taken care of," we were controlled." it just shows how out of touch with reality you feminist's really are. The total and utterly delusion never fails to surprise me and it's no wonder so many men are walking away. Please, tell me, how many women in history wanted to go work down in the mines? Wanted to be out harvesting the fields? Laying the roads, digging the wells or building the very houses women got to live in? How many women where out at sea every day fishing in all weathers? How many women where out protecting the village from wolves and / or invaders? So on and so forth. Men went out and did that because women didn't want to. Even today they do not want those jobs. Men do the dirty dangerous work so women never had to. What did women get in return? Homes which they had to maintain because the men where out working. There was no convenience of pre pre prepped food. No running water for most, no clothes of the peg. Someone had to go earn money or the resources and someone had to process those resources to be eaten or worn. You can talk nonsense like "we where not paid for it" but who the heck paid for the home those women lived in, the clothes on her back, the food that was put on the table? Men! but that never stopped women from having side hustles that did make them money such as being a seamstress or nanny etc. You girls need to stop playing the perpetual "women" where victims card. For most of history, men did the donkey work, women where the home makers and that was how things where No one is claiming that "some" women where not oppressed but guess what, a lot of men sure where! they where the ones sent to die to protect the women. You now live in an era where you can do and be anything you want and what do you choose....to whine on the internet about things that never really happened because men bad right? Most men never ever looked at women as "a doll or accessory". They actually looked at women as partners. Mothers of their children. Someone to build with and someone to share their lives with. But no, you're rather listen to a few anecdotal stories on the internet about how "men bad". Well ladies, you're all free now. You don't need men and when you get one, you don't know how to treat them anyway. enjoy your 9 to 5 and being cat and dog mums because men are leaving the dating space in droves....and I do not blame them.
Damn, it hit hard when you said, “women are expected to work like they don’t have kids, and expected to raise children like they don’t work”. I think it hit the nail on the head, as not only are we expected to do both but we’re expected to balance everything, and STILL be perfect at both. I loved this video, especially that you were understanding and went deep into both sides of the topic! I could imagine you doing interviews/documentary style videos on topics like this in the future🙏
Yes, that one got me as well. People love to say that life is so much easier today. But honestly, the demands of each individual have never been higher. Back in the day, you took an education to get a better paying job. Nowadays, you have to spend most of your young adulthood to get an education - just to have a chance of getting a job, and some form of job security. In most countries, you will also have to take student jobs alongside the studies, to support yourself. Spending a LOT of time working and studying. Then there is appearance. You are expected to always look and smell good, but not look like you actually tried. Therefore, you either spend a lot of time and money that you don't actually have on achieving that. Or you end up having no energy to do it at all. Same with cooking and cleaning. Not to mention time to socialise, exercise, have a hobby, etc. Lets do the math. 24 hours in a day - 8 hours sleep - 1 hour transportation to/from work (some will need less, but many people spend up to an hour each way) - 1 hour to get ready in the morning (shower, breakfast, getting family ready) - 8 hours work - 1 hour transportation (home) That leaves you with 5 hours to do all the rest - Cooking, eating and cleaning (will usually take at least 1 hour combined, up to 2 if you eat with your family) - Laundry - Exercise or hobby - Socialising, dating, childcare - Any evening routine you might have Usually, by the time you cook and clean, you are too exhausted to do any hobbies, exercise or socialising. Really, it is not that strange that people want to get out of that hamster wheel...
Gee, it's like our ancestors figured out women shouldn't face outside heavy work & dangers and maintain important household upkeep and raising children.
This is true. It's odd that the answer isn't men should pick up their share. Or capitalism should stop expecting 40+ hours/week of work from workers. Why is the answer then that women should give up their economic security in the economy we exist in and submit to their husbands? The system is broken and the answer isn't to break ourselves to fit it.
My mom was a real traditional house wife- dependant on my dad, never had her own money and no time to herself ever with 4 kids in 5 years. My dad always made it known HE made the money. When she made it possible but got so little credit. I'm a part time teacher and it's very important to me to have a job while also spending a lot of time with my kids and cooking a lot and doing all kinds of things for house and kids. It's the perfect combo for me. The "trad wife" content is confusing to me since they are working moms who do the same things we all do for our homes and kids.
yeah they all work full time on social media, the job is literally to film yourself working and then convince people you're actually staying at home with traditional roles? please put the phome away and sign over your social media accounts to your husband
When I worked in retail I had a customer who, like your mum, had been a true traditional, dependent wife. She was in her 80's when I knew her, her husband had passed, and she didn't even know how to open a bank account. Because she understood nothing about banking, driving, etc. she almost ended up homeless. In her 80's. I spent numerous days off teaching her how to navigate the public transit system as well as how to do basic banking. I even got her in touch with an estate lawyer who patiently walked her through accessing the money in her late husband's account so she wouldn't end up turned out of her own home. People can live whatever life they want, but the tradwives who put down feminism ... I'd love to introduce them to that sweet customer I used to know.
They’re stay at home moms with enough money to support help (like nannies & maids) so no….they’re not what a REAL stay at home mom looks like. They are cosplaying.
This isn't traditional, this is fetishisation of a particular era and social structure. Tradition isn't static, it's constantly evolving and improving itself. Feminism is a natural and necessary part of the evolution of family traditions. It's necessary because if your tradition doesn't change it isn't a tradition, it's a museum.
Love this. The truth about a woman's TRADITIONAL role is that she contributed to the family income...whilst also carrying out most of the care work and house keeping xxx
Tradition isn't static? Are you sure? I'm pretty sure that all the traditions I've ever participated in are exactly the same as they've always been. Christmas Dinner, for example. All the activities we do on Christmas day are considered tradition. Because we do them exactly the same each year. I'm confused by your comment
@refreshingtwist those Christmas traditions didn't just spring into existence fully formed. They are themselves a continuation and evolution of celebrations that came before. If that tradition couldn't change in response to the world around it then it would have died out. People still celebrated Christmas during the great depression but I'll bet those celebrations looked a lot different to how they went in the 20s.
All young women need to be raised to aim to work to support themselves. It’s not just about divorce or cheating! This gives them the choice to stay single, or a means to survive if a partner is unemployed, long-term unwell, or passes away.
But it's obvious that if a women wished to remain single, that she'd need to have a traditional paying job. What if a woman wants to support a family of her own children from a young age, and has a partner willing to be 'the breadwinner'? If that's what she wants more than anything? It's a choice I fully support. More and more women are coming out admitting to this deep desire, and we need to talk about that. Perhaps because so many have taken to social media to share that they waited to have babies and put building a career first, now they are finding it's not happening for them because they've missed their window. I believe that a desire to pursue a career for SURE should be encouraged but *not just* "in case of xyz" but because it's what a person wants for their life...and that society needs to value homemakers far more than they do, incase being a SAHP is what a person wants, because it's one of the most important jobs of all. One proposal is that housewives/househusbands who are parents would be given a salary from their government fund, funded through tax payer $...that this might build respect for domestic labour while also giving women dignity, recognition and independence...but there are various issues with this that often result in it not happening which is a conversation for another day!
@@melaniemurphyofficial thanks for responding so thoughtfully! I’m going to frame my response in gender-neutral language, at least at the start. The thing is, that because of the way society is currently organised, not compensating people for stay-at-home care work, it turns that person into the breadwinner’s employee, essentially - and to my mind, this is enormously risky, because it’s conflating business with pleasure and leaves you literally sleeping with the boss. Say we did flip things around and pay people a fair rate to be homemakers - how many years are we talking about? After the youngest child is about a year old, surely it is massively inefficient in comparison to group care and education settings? How *could* it be paid at a living wage given the inefficiency of the model? I’m trying to raise my child to expect to work *and* be active in the home, not one or the other. It would feel like placing him in a position of terrible vulnerability to encourage him to enter into a dependency on the whims of a partner. And now that I’ve gendered my sentence, maybe it highlights the real issue here: it’s all in one direction, the expectation seems to be near-universally that the woman will take these risks. I suppose my perspective is unusual - I’m in a same-sex partnership, I’m the main breadwinner, I did the pregnancy part, and we both do a lot of care work and some paid work. My partner has also been long-term sick. I’m ever so grateful that the one message I got from my parents growing up was to make sure I could support myself, whatever my family structure, because otherwise I dread to think where we’d have ended up over the past few years…
@@aimeelinekar3902 I completely agree with this and it really doesn't matter if it's a same sex relationship or heterosexual relationship. The same concepts still apply. All the best to you and your family.
@@aimeelinekar3902 I agree with making sure one is able to support themselves. I was also a sahm, and now at age 56, I'm not working because I don't need to financially and I'm helping to care for my elderly parents. I worked minimally as a nurse on a per diem basis once my kids went to school, and will always maintain my license. My mother was very controlling and I worked very hard for my independence and achieved it. Skills which allow one to be independent of parents also allow for independence from a spouse if need be. The problem with some of the tradwife influencers is that they basically discourage the adulting process. Estee Williams advises young girls to be okay with living with parents until they find a "traditional man" for marriage. NO! NO! NO! I say gain some independence from parents, aquire some marketable skills and live like an adult before even thinking of entering into marriage. Most well adjusted men want to date mature adult women, not legal adult females still living at home like teenagers with no financial responsibilities or goals other than snagging a man. And I'd honestly question the character and intent of any man who would be willing to date them. I'd never discourage women from being sahms if that's what they want, but they should be capable of independent adulthood first.
A little off point but I think the idea of the "simple" life is becoming increasingly attractive because the majority are so frustrated and jaded from working full time and not live comfortably or even being able to afford our own houses. Back in the day you would grind because there was an excellent chance of it paying off with a sense of independence, autonomy, freedom and security. Now we grind yet still live precariously. A friend who has worked full time since 2014 went into a bank to ask about a mortgage and they laughed at her. We've normalised laughing at people who spend 1/3 of their life working and want to own their own home. And we are talking about supposedly developed countries. It makes me feel like they're laughing at us from the top . No wonder a rejection of hustle culture is bubbling. This turned into a huge rant but anyway - not a tradwife here but yes to pushing against the system!
I have a coworker, she works almost 2 full time jobs. She works a 9 - 5 with me and then en the evenings she works in a nursing home where she stays overnight. In the morning, she wakes up and comes straight to her day job. This is her daily routine. She also works the other job on the weekends. This is just to be able to afford a basic lifestyle that everyone who works should be able to have. So yes, you are right. It is insane right now. Looking forward, maybe my husband and I will never be able to afford a house with the way things are.
I teach high school kids. I always tell the girls who want to be mothers to focus on careers where they can control their hours. This way, if they want to mostly stay home, they can, but if they need to go back to work, they can increase their hours. Never, ever, EVER lose your credentials or step completely out of the workforce. That being said, it is legitimately nice to be able to scale back hours with young kids in the house.
A friend once pointed out that a lot of conservative attitudes especially around gender roles... kinda start to look like kink/fetish play when you really think about it. Like since he said that, I now can't comprehend how a trad wife "submitting to her husband" and "his house is his CASTLE and so he should feel like a KING" isn't just a sub/dom kink fantasy in different costumes and lighting... and with likely none of the consent and boundary awareness that is core to the actual kink community and acknowledging what it actually is you're doing here. Kink is not always sexual! Just food for thought 😅
You have a point, especially since these content creators are generating their own income, i.e., aren't "traditional wives" at all. It's like roleplaying.
@@rutabaga_ruth5450 yes! It might seem sexy to them, since they ultimately consented to this kink while still holding some power in the relationship by making an income. But true power imbalance is not sexy. I just recently witnessed a relative yelling angrily at his wife (a sahm of two without a permission to work in the country, totally dependent on her husband) with no apparent reason other than showing dominance - and that chilled me to the bone! No wonder she doesn’t find tradwife lifestyle sexy!
THIS. real women who live traditionally dont glorify their husband the same way these wives do. I can respect my husband and not present myself as his servant. also they wouldn't post any of this shit online
The tradwife influencers are a really interesting niche. As a stay at home mom myself, I am very involved in the running of my home, my kids, cooking, cleaning etc. The tradwife influencers do these same tasks in a very performative way. It's all everyday things done in very unrealistic ways. "My husband was craving cereal, so I made it from scratch".. I've made homemade cereal, it's healthier and tastes great, but it's not something I'd do on the whims of someone's cravings. Remembering that they are influencers, creating an aesthetic, a narrative for their channel and that the things they are doing are for entertainment is very important. Just like I don't think that women who choose to work should be judged, women who choose to be homemakers shouldn't be judged, or lumped into this unrealistic "tradwife" category.
Completely agree! I'm also a SAHM but I'm not posting about making homemade bread on social media. 😂 I bake a lot, because I like it, and because my degree in food science actually makes cooking and baking even more interesting to me. The chemistry behind cooking is so fascinating! But I don't have the time or patience to film myself making homemade bread/cooking, etc, nor do I think it would make for good content. I don't care about the aesthetics enough. I'm generally listening to a British murder mystery for watching some cute show with my son while I'm cooking LOL. I got my college degree, met my husband, put him through college and his master's degree, and then felt burnt out and was able to stay at home when I had my son. I think that's kind of a feminist act in a way. I was the breadwinner for years, and now I have the privilege of being able to choose to stay home. I think feminism is about respecting the choices of other women, and making the best choices for your own circumstances. I love that there are women that rock their jobs, and I also love that women have the opportunity to stay home if they can or want to. I agree some of this tradwife stuff is pretty offensive when they talk about the submissive garbage, though. Maybe I shouldn't say it's garbage. It just personally makes me feel really icky, as one who has suffered abuse at the hands of a man many, many years ago. And as much as I love my husband and son, I don't think men are de facto on this elevated plane above women. Definitely not!!!
@@susanjeffries5108 Love this take! Yes women supporting women is what I think feminist goals should be. I have also been the "bread winner" when my husband lost his job. I was still working while he was searching, and we worked as a team to make sure that our spending was in line with our new tighter budget in order to stay on top of our financial goals. My husband did end up finding the right opportunity for a new job, and a few years later we decided to start a family. We both felt like we could make the necessary sacrifices to be a one income household, so I could be home with our children. I think for women that pour their passion into their career it makes sense to make sacrifices to stay in the workplace. I never had that; I had a job. Sacrificing my job and the extra income was the right move for me and my family, but that might not be the right move for everyone.
@@susanjeffries5108 Well said! Thank you, because I know women who got beaten up by their husbands, just because they thought they're better. Bunch of cowards, those men, nothing more 😌
My grandma who was a 1950s wife is the strongest and loudest advocate I know for women making their own money and having a means of supporting themselves independently of their husbands. Precisely because the realities of financial disempowerment and abuse are so real and equally devastating. She always said, whatever you do, protect yourself and your own interests.
My grandmother was in the same generation as yours... she said similar things. She was so happy that her daughters and granddaughters had more opportunities for education.
But what if the liberation of women from traditional gender roles inevitably leads to population collapse and the destruction of civilization? Would you still support it even if it were unsustainable?
EXACTLY, my grandmothers and older women in general ingrained the idea of getting education, my own money, my own place, my own car etc. into my brain. not once did they tell me to get married and be completely dependent on my husband. and damn sure i took their advice, instead of buying into these delusional women's ideas
@@scottsurvival6960well maybe modern men should work on developing skills to be desirable partners for modern women and voila! we wont be having a depopulation problem and also the planet is already overpopulated
In Germany, marriage was built to support the 1950s lifestyle: Married couples get rewarded if one partner works significantly less. (tax reduction) Since women still get paid less in most jobs, the consequence is that the woman will be the one to reduce her hours. Then if and when she gets pregnant, she will stop working altogether. Then, when couples break up, women are left with almost nothing. The number of women who end up in poverty because they get little to zero pension is alarming. Most of my friends who got married in their 20s are splitting up now, and I am seeing the true personality of men who I thought were decent. Suddenly they are even talking their former spouse into giving them the little amount of “pension points” they have. They are fighting so that their former wives have NOTHING. We cannot go into marriage with rose tinted glasses, it’s way too dangerous. If you get married, please make sure you have a contract that ensures your fair treatment in the worst case scenario. Nobody wants to think of these things, but the reality is that most marriages end in divorce. Better safe than sorry!
You can still have 4/4 class split if you want to though 🙄 Nobody forces anyone to necessarily go into the 3/5 classes split. And aren't they going to cancel it anyway this or next year?
To me encouraging women to maintain skills and education that can be used to make money isn’t just in case of divorce. What if he gets sick or injured and can’t work?
Again, I wish we’d stop encouraging women to view their futures through the lens of whether or not whomever they might marry will be around. This is totally valid! But idk I’m sad that so many women choose their path not based on what they are passionate about/good at but based on their likelihood of ending up alone 😩 It’s such a negative framework y’know? We exist independently
@@melaniemurphyofficial totally! It is unhealthy to allow your life to be driven by fear and worst case scenarios. We should follow our joy. But for me it falls into the same category as buying insurance. I don’t plan on crashing my car, but I still have coverage.
But how come there are no men finding their passion in taking care of their babies, financially dependent and baking? I mean, many men love their children (or is it that dads love their children less than moms?) and many men enjoy baking, but I don’t see any of them in the internet complaining about how they have been told by xxx (patriarchy?) that they are allowed ti be stay at home dads and being “”taken care of””. Also, in a capitalist society, either you inherit generational wealth or you (man or woman) have to work a paid job for a living (either one you are passionate about or not, capitalism doesn’t care, neither does you landlord). So basically it is very difficult to be a stay at home dad-mom if your partner isn’t providing for the family (and even if he/she does, most wages alone are not enough to provide for 4 people). So we are really trying to teach our children to be able to provide for themselves, finding a way for that to be your passion is the cherry on top. I used to be passionate about my job, I’m not any longer for reasons beyond my power, I find passion elsewhere, but I’m still financially responsible for so many things…
I agree with the ideas in this thread. My mom, a college-educated woman, stayed in an unhealthy relationship during my entire life because she didn't feel confident that she could handle supporting my brother and I on her own (financially and emotionally). The world isn't fair and in America it's every person for themselves. There are not enough laws in place to provide safety nets for single parents. This lesson taught me that financial stability and independence is crucial for me to live out in my life no matter what relationship I end up in.
If you're aspiring to be a trad wife, just please - know that many to most videos are misleading, especially if no kids are involved. Staying at home cooking, cleaning and tending the kids is not glamorous at all; rather it can be a very isolating, frustrating and exhausting life, especially in this day and age, - make sure you stay financially independent (as in you have your own bank account). Loved the video btw, it was very balanced and addressed everything that needed to be addressed.
@@Jaylade Yeah, that's kind of the whole point, that you're dependent on his income. You should have your own bank account though, and he should be willing to transfer part of his income to it without being able to touch it.
@@madi32 I don't think that's the majority of men doing that. I think what's lacking in the conversation is the financial control men are getting back from this trend.
Melanie, this is a great video!! My mom was a traditional 1950s-60s housewife. She had four children and was a housewife was constantly taking care of us. My dad wasn't demanding and they had their roles. They both were very talented. My dad could build anything and my mother sewed our clothes, cooked from scratch, and created a wonderful home for us. But her vision for us was to be well-educated and self sufficient. My husband and I married late so had no children. We share one bank account and credit cards. We talk over large purchases but neither of us question what small things we spend our money on. I would be concerned that women who want that trad wife life don't have skills to fall back on should the need arise for any reason.
There is a reason the song that goes, "You make me do too much labor" is so popular. Since the dawn of time, women have had to work. Even back during nomadic times, even back when we were still homoerectus, women did equal labor. They gathered. They learned information on what was safe to collect and forage and shared it with others. When we starting settling and building civilizations, women worked the fields along side their spouses. Once the start of ancient civilizations started, women worked either the land and home or outside the homes. Only rich women didn't work outside the home. And even those rich women still had the labor of literal labor, like childbirth. Being a stay at home parent is work, being a working mother is so much work, having a job is work. We're all doing labor, but our society only seems to champion the labor that is considered to be masculine (the 9-5) in 1950's to modern society. Edit: Also, pulling on my first degree in anthro, we found that women also hunted along side men and that often women were better at it because they were better at studying animals and stalking prey. So when these trad wife creators act like they're living a soft easy life, then they're not a REAL trad wife. Being a full time mother and homemaker is hard work and not glamourous.
"Unpaid labor". Marriage is two people becoming one. There is no "my money" or "your money", only *"our* money". And if a woman is looking to become a traditional wife, she will also be wanting a traditional husband that will provide for her. This is a different sort of man than one who gets paid by his employer and then spends the bulk of the money on himself.
Hi Melanie! The issue I have with the trad wife movement is the constant drone of, "if you work you're less of a woman. If you work, you don't love your kids and partner, if you work, you must be brainwashed." Not to mention what it does to people outside of the cis straight world. Overall, the idea that this is the one right way rubs me the wrong way.
It’s crazy how much of this depends on the way you were raised (for better or worse). My mom was always the breadwinner of my house, even after divorcing my dad and remarrying, she still is the main breadwinner to this day. I don’t know how the hell she did it but I NEVER felt like she wasn’t around, I never felt any lack of support or love from her. She hired help yes but all my memories from my childhood are from my mom at home with us, even though she worked a 9-5 as well. Adding to that I saw a couple of women family members that were traditional stay at home moms, get screwed up by their husbands and struggle a lot to keep their house, find a job, and start a career. I never even considered becoming a stay at home mom because all of those experiences taught me that I needed to be financially independent, and now growing up and seeing other dynamics it was very hard for me at first to understand why anyone would do that 😅 but honestly I support women and what they choose for themselves, as long as we keep teaching them to be smart!
While you are lucky that you were able to have a great relationship with your mom even though she was also working full time (which is usually not the case for a lot of kids), one thing you may want to consider is the toll it took on her. To be able to both work full time and be dedicated to your job, but also juggle being there for your family take A LOT out of a person. It's the kind of life that exhausts you to the fullest and the last person you do take care of: is YOU. That would be the reason I actually would not advocate for this kind of life, even if to you as a child it looked wonderful. Being able to build a career and be a "boss lady" is wonderful. Being able to be a stay at home mom who devotes herself to her family is wonderful. Being both at the same time - is a special kind of torture. That's why I have no issue with "tradwifes" nor with feminists. My issue starts when we as women are expected to fill both roles. While far too many men only stick with the job aspect of it and nobody seems to mind.
@@notmanymore1521 I 100% agree with that, my mom still struggles to this day to take time for herself, especially without feeling guilty. And this is the main reason why I don’t know if I want to have kids or not. The pressure society puts on women vs men when they become parents is crazy, and I don’t know how I would take that. I value my passions and aspirations a lot and I don’t want to sacrifice that, but I also don’t want that to prevent me from having a family if I ever want to. I don’t know, it’s a difficult place to be in right now.
This is so dangerous! I studied law and am writing an exam paper on this exact thing, the danger that comes with finances in domestic violence. This might seem amazing while the relationship is healthy and blossoming, but women seriously need to ask why *they* are the ones that have to show their love for their male partner and children by giving up their financial security! This is how women for decades and still, get stuck in domestic violence or stuck even in a relationship she wants put of even though it’s been healthy. Without money or employment and a career women aren’t eligable to get their own place unless it’s a super expensive rental from a private owner. They have to move often, due to those type of contracts tend to be short some months or up to 3 years at the most usually. To move cuts a big dent in the wallet too. She is not going to be able to find one single bank that will lend her the money, because she has no job of finances to show them. Many men use finances to string her along, which is impossible for her to escape unless she has friends or family that are willing or able to take in her (, and the kids if she has any because these men tend to never want to make it easy and have the kids living with him unless he wants to punish her and remove them from her because she wants to remove herself from him). This is why knowing why things changed in society and educate yourself on WHY women fought so hard to have rights. To know that childcare, a right to vote, and be allowed to be withing the work force etc. etc. etc. came out of protection and so much more for women. To run full throlle in to a full regression and act as if anything good or cleaver is being done by running the errands of men who wants to keep women tied to them as proerty like back in the days, is horrendous! It’s tragic that it’s also always to 99.9 % always the woman that is supposeto give up her life and live in isolation and see nothing more than the floor she’s mopping and her male partner and their children. As a woman I feel ashamed that so many of this young female generation willingly debate their right to have no rights and the older felame generation who applaud it because they have lived that way and live by the words of their man that ”a woman’s place is in the home”. I’m disgusted and saddened and have seen a ton of legal records during my education at uni. and during my internship how dangerous this is for women tied to domestic abuse in different variation (physical, sexual, financial, emotional, psychological, mentally, violence during and after the breakup process). We still in many countries have legal systems where women lose their children to abusive men because we live in a world that serves men, and if he says she has lost her marbles and is keeping the children from him she is deemed a non worthy parent in many court rooms and he will get custody. Then these children grow up and their lives are ruined because they share they were forced to grow up with a father/parent who regularly abused them. Because they have the custody they can deny the child any psychological right which means he determines tåwhat they know about the abuse he have them endure which these abusive men normalise and act as if they have done nothing wrng or nothing more than was needed. Please stay educated and understand history in order to make proper decisions for your life now and for the future you! Listen to the women before you who have shared they were promised financial safety and protection, only to have the man abuse them, cheat on them, demand an extreme amount of things from her because he financially provided for her. Be your own agent and don’t be fina cially dependent on anyone so you can leave exactly when you want if and when a relationship is not for you anymore. Meet a partner out of love and not because you can live your life as a live in maid/nanny/s*x worker,cook,nurse,therapist to him!
I couldn’t agree with this more! I’ve recently become a stay at home mum to two very small children because of the cost of childcare. It’s hard! Cooking,cleaning, teaching, entertaining all day long and there’s still a feeling that im missing out on the fulfilment of a career that I went to university for plus the feeling that I’m not financially contributing. It’s in no way glamorous!
I feel as though I have an interesting situation. I am and was raised to be a very independent woman. My career is important to me, I have a masters degree with plans to start a PhD, and ensuring women have every opportunity available to them is one of my core values. At the same time, I am 25 years old, married to my high school sweetheart, and just had our first baby 2 months ago. I think the beauty of living during this time period is that you can be an independent person while also having strong family values. Working from home, taking extra online courses for my undergrad degree so I could finish my bachelor’s a year early, and doing my graduate degree hybrid as well all allowed me to reach my personal goals while also starting my family at a younger age. I think just keeping in mind that we should support all women’s goals and aspirations is really important. There’s no real “right way” to go about life, it should all be at our own pace.
I can't stress enough how important this video is. Well done dear Melanie. I don't feel the longing to be a "trad wife" at all, because I value my independence. But I have a strong desire for a simpler life. Stress less, spend more time with my loved ones, to grow my own food and to be out in nature more often.
I think this is the first time I've listened to a critique on "trad wives" that I actually agree with! The trad wife esthetic is based more on 1950s trophy wives. ACTUAL traditional wives are the ones who are working alongside their husbands, who know how to get dirty and often don't have time to stop and pretty themselves up when their husband is on his way home. I'm a farmer, my husband gets home from his day job at about 3. If I went and did my hair and makeup for when he got home, it would all be ruined in under an hour because I still have work to do, often outside.
On trad wives protecting themselves, incase they suddenly can't rely on their partners income. Let's assume the husband doesn't divorce them... why have I never seen any of them acknowledge how they'll keep their kids alive if the husband dies? Or if he gets severely injured or ill and can't work anymore? Does his retirement plan have his wife written into it? Does he have life insurance and what does she get from it? Depending on the country, what benefits/support could he access if he can't work anymore and is it enough to cover the entire household? Alternatively, what if she suddenly dies or becomes severely ill/disabled? Who's doing the childcare and housework? Will husband have to pay for childcare and will he have enough, because childcare is fucking expensive and it could be more than his deceased wife's allowance and likely won't cover 5am - nighttime 7 days a week unless he finds a miracle nanny. Especially since so many of these trad wife influencers are American, as someone in the UK where we have the NHS (thank god) I can't fathom how none of them acknowledge what happens if either parent or, god forbid, one of the children needs expensive health care or long-term ongoing treatment like if someone gets cancer and needs several rounds of chemo. If a single income household large enough to support these kind of unpredictable, uncontrollable worst-case scenarios? Because if yes, that's a HUGE financial privilege not available to most. If no, they are not being mature, responsible adults or parents. Have the hard conversations, talk about the ugly stuff. Talking about death isn't ever worse than never talking about it before you lose that person- in fact, planning it out way ahead of time will make your worse nightmare that much easier ❤
They certainly are not mature (Because no older woman is doing that, isn't that suspicious? Maybe the lifestyle doesn't set you up for long term happiness after all), it all seems very performative and aimed at someone's gaze for approval, clicks, accolades. They are just cosplayers playing out nostalgic aesthetic fantasies that historically never were (women worked their butts off, just never got acknowledged or paid for it, ironic how this modern social media tradwife "revival" is all about fabricated soft life for clicks and money, wonder if they would be as eager to portray it with no pay or attention, no alternative, dealing with all kinds of nasty bodily fluids of kids and farm animals daily from dawn till dusk, doing demanding physical labor that makes fancy haircuts, skimpy dresses, heels and makeup become such a nuisance and time waste). Also kind of surprised men are getting behind this, while decorative adoring slave is a common self-admitted fantasy and even expectation of theirs, do they not think only a handful would be able to afford this lifestyle? Wife being personal performer and chef, maybe even full-time nanny without any income? And what about their family security and kids' future in case one of them perishes, do they give a crap about that? Doesn't seem so. They seem to think everyone will get a government mandated replaceable (men are 6 times more likely to leave terminally ill partner) house fairy for free. Ridiculous and unrealistic. To me it seems that men are women are just tired of the rat race, food cost and pitiful quality, disconnect from nature, billionaires raking all the profits and others not being able to afford anything. Men want the unconditional loving mommies that won't run away if they suck and their crown-for-existing, while women want a slower life, better food and bigger, prettier spaces to live in.
My partner had a stay at home dad. I’m now a SAHM. My grandma was a SAHM sometimes and worked when it suited her. My mother got cancer and couldn’t work. It’s all just division of labour at the end of the day. Most of us will never run a youtube channel or become a CEO. Split the work up in a way that is fair and makes sense for your situation and makes life most enjoyable or tolerable. Ignore the overly opinionated critics and make sure you have safety and backup regardless of how you split the bills. It’s really that simple.
I love this video so much! Thank you for making it! I am a full time mom at home. Left my job as a children’s mental health therapist with young adolescents because I knew the right thing was to be present raising my own child, and the cost of childcare is ridiculous on top of that! It’s hard and often lonely, and I feel the weight of the invisible load often. At the same time, being with my toddler everyday is the more rewarding than any paycheck has ever been. Women need choices and not to be stuffed into “roles”.
I'll never understand how these women don't understand that by making a living via content creation and putting out this 'anti-feminist' content, they're engaging with feminism by actively benefitting from it!
I don't think encouraging women to work is exclusively to avoid separation hardships, but it's to have freedom in the relationship itself. More often than not, women and stay at home moms are kept completely in the dark when it comes to financial situations of the family, and that's dangerous, extremely dangerous.
A woman having a traditional job isn't the ONLY OPTION that should be entertained...a woman in my opinion should have full equal access to the family income as brought home by her partner, OR she should be supported by the taxpayer while her children are small and while they are her full time job (but that's a very complicated debate!)
Yes I also had a lot of appreciation about that movement or esthetics, as you said. I always adored my mom who had great education, had 3 jobs at one point and gave it all up until I was 3,5 years old. Because Dad told her that he “didn’t like that she was not home that often”, and when I was 3,5 he said “oh and now you are too much spending at home“ and she with all her education and career before just as easily were able to get her job back, even with me went to work abroad to Japan for some time and very very successful and still is. But it was a good lesson for us all because 15 years later my Dad lost a job and my was able to give me education and the finished paying mortgage thanks to her salary. And she cleaned cooked and did a most of house chores. So girls, please study and learn something that can earn you money.
As a 28yo woman I think a lot about kids recently. But it scares me a lot - this economical instability, amount of work that society doesn´t recognize. I would feel so much more secure if every mother had an unemployment payment every month (it could be called differently but whatever) until she can go to work, the sum increasing proportionally depending on kids amount, even if she had working husband. We make humans, future taxpayers and workers. It must be recognized as an important mission, and we deserve to feel completely secure and not depend on a husband or other relatives.
You basically exposed my own opinion on all this, but in a more eloquent way! I really admire the women who have the means and will to be housewives, but it comes with way more risks than it looks on the surface.
My stepfather passed away suddenly in the 90's....guess what my mother had always done and HAD to do after he died??WORK. Luckily she was educated before having children. I would never leave it all up to the MAN....my Stepfather was a good man, husband, and human being. He had a beautiful smile..He's gone...and my mother had to take all four of us and raise us alone. I nannied for a SAHW with 3 boys. She hadn't worked in almost 7 years. Ask me how hard it was for her to get back into the workforce.
I was still job hunting when I married my husband. Fortunately, he earned enough for us to get by. Even with applying for jobs and doing a udemy course, alongside cleaning and learning to cook, it was boring and isolating to spend all day at home.
My one note on the video, I'd suggest blurring the faces of the kids on the tik toks just like you do your own. I love your perspective and your videos, just something you may want to consider doing in the future to not promulgating the kids faces like their parents did.
You're right! I often do this on Instagram if I share a reel with a child's face, I never made a note in my editing document to go back and do this (the panic about videos of my own children being included admittedly wasn't there) but yeah, in future I'll do this! xxx
I stay at home, my husband works making a large majority of the money- what actually supports us. I work a very part time job at home, homeschool our child and tend to errands etc. He says he would have to have a place to live, bills to pay etc regardless and so has never made me feel like him earning the money is a burden to him- never treats it like a power thing. We would both prefer that our child is homeschooled, that one of us has time to tend to the house & errands. He recognizes and respects what I do as an equal or more important contribution to the family. We both realize that we both have good days and bad days whether at home or working outside of the home... The things I do like making meals or baking are done out of appreciation for what he does and respect for him. He doesn't expect that the house is spotless, meals are always made fresh from scratch or any of that nonsense
theres a SAHM/RUclipsr ive followed since before i was pregnant with my first. shes hopped on the trad wife trend. only wears dresses now etc. has to make sourdough... but obviously gets sponsorships and thats how she can afford their lifestyle. from her content creation NOT just from her husbands career. anyway she had the audacity to post a reel where she was dancing around and gardening in a $600 dress saying it was the perfect dress for SAHMs and she rightly got ROASTED in the comments. these people are so out of touch i have nothing against real homesteading traditional wives. what i hate is the fakery. the trend of attempting to glamorize and monetize other moms daily lives but make it unattainable and fake
I have lived both lives.. I can tell you from experience... Being a stay home mom is the toughest job one will ever have in their lives! Rewarding, yes, but stressful. I had the opportunity to go to college and work part time after the military. It was a nice break to sit in a class for an hour without kids, or a husband, wanting to be waited on... Also.... If no one is in the house to mess it up, then it stays clean!! My grandmother was superwoman! She held a 40 hr week job. cooked, cleaned, watched us grandkids on the weekends and baked bread every Saturday. I had no idea how women of her generation did this? My counselor told me... "prescription speed!" Just like in Pink's video for "Beautiful Trauma."
Why do my favorite RUclipsrs accept sponsorships from better help? They must pay very well, because pretty much everyone is aware how awful and unethical they are as a company.
It's a fantastic and important service. I've talked to my therapist multiple times a week for years so it's a super easy sell for me as it's something I actually pay for myself. What about them and how they currently operate is unethical? I'd be happy to chat!
@@melaniemurphyofficialthey are currently being sued in the US because they sold customer's data (like their information about why they were seeking therapy - very private and sensitive stuff) to Facebook and other companies.
@@melaniemurphyofficialanecdotally, I've also spoken to multiple friends about their experiences of being ghosted by therapists or therapists who act unprofessionally in sessions. I don't think they have very high standards for the service they deliver. I wouldn't touch them with a bargepole, personally.
@@melaniemurphyofficial I have actually used the service myself so no judgement, but they have just lost a significant court case for selling customer data (illegally and unethically) and did their damn best to keep it quiet. I only became aware when I received an email from PayPal saying I had been awarded USD 10 in the settlement. There is a also a lot of debate about whether some of the services they offer - the chat functionality for example are good for clients (not a crisis line so the idea you can contact your therapist 24/7 is seen by many as not a good thing) or for therapists (unhealthy work practices and boundaries). I don’t have the technical expertise to comment on the latter but the data stuff is super worrying. Especially with such a large company that can essentially pay a settlement, act contrite, and go on and do it again. Because they can afford to absorb the consequences.
The thing that gets me about "trad wives" is that they are literally telling you to stay at home while they are at THEIR OWN JOBS! That, the attempt to fundamentally misunderstand feminism, and the concept of shame mongering--"if you don't make your cereal from scratch you're a bad mom"--creates a really questionable picture to me.
I didn't even know the term tradwife before this video, cause I've never encountered this type of content and this trend on my side of the internet. Not sure it's something I wanted to know, but mad respect for this video, Mel!
I’m willing to bet that at least half of these trad wife influencers are making just as much or more than their husbands. It’s super misleading to tell women to stay home/not earn money while they themselves are earning money.
I think my issue with the trad-wife movement is that a lot of the bits of it that go viral (which admittedly, I feel like is rage bait to some degree) seems to be an almost wilful misunderstanding of feminism. I dislike the 2010's girlboss feminism and the attitude it promotes but the overall point is that you have the CHOICE to work should you want to. The only reason they get to frame their lifestyle as a choice at all is because of feminism. I feel like the main gripe of people drawn towards this lifestyle is CaPiTalIsM (kind of a dreaded buzzword now but it's true). Like... you know what would enable people to have less work driven and family oriented lives? Universal Basic Income, if our taxes actually went towards social welfare programs. Maybe if people were talking more about things that would make this apparently preferable and idyllic life achievable for more people it wouldn't be so irksome. It's definitely true that just seeing someone essentially play pretend on an app is pointless to get upset over but there can sometimes be a air of classism to the whole thing. But I guess if it was being practical and discussing messy topics like systemic change it wouldn't be viral so hey ho!
There's no way to make that work with a falling birthrate. An aging population is a shrinking tax base. In a generation it's gonna be hard to make things work as it is.
@@AAKing-d8b Sure, but that's why immigration is a good thing. But that doesn't seem to be a conversation that people want to have. Also it's not necessarily about taxing the individual. Corporations dodge an eye watering amount in taxes all of the time. Getting rid of those loopholes alone could generate a huge amount of income
@@Knoxly554 80% of countries in the world have subreplacement population growth right now and it's only getting worse. Immigration can't solve this problem.
Thank you for this great video! Just wanted to add that many researchers have also covered that the rise of the tradwives is heavily linked to the rise of the far right and conservative political views and the anti-feminist backlash that has been having real consequences on women/gender minorities!
I don't have tiktok and I've only just rejoined instagram so I've been able to ignore this relatively successfully up until now! So important that you emphasised that tradwife influencers do work - we need to differentiate between tradwives workng as one-person media companies - and those who are pursuing that life with zero social media following. I do definitely think it's important to have a plan to fall back on in case things don't work out. I'd rather my daughter have a back-up plan and not need it than the other way round. My dad died when I was 8 so that influences my perspective a bit!
I have so much to say about this topic, but basically, I agree with everything you just said. Also, thanks for the song "mother's little helper". It is super interesting, I'll be going on a rabbit hole of my own to see how valium was used by these trad wives back in the day, and how it was advertised as a coping mechanism to cope with societal and life back then. I think having and earning your own money is super important as a woman. If I want to buy x/y/z I want to have the liberty to choose, even if it's a mistake, it's my mistake.
I feel like the universe is playing games with me right now...i have these kind of thoughts all the time in my head...you somehow managed to Express them in the most beautiful way! Thank you for using your time to do this! ❤
I have a couple of "hot takes" from this. I'm an ex traditional wife and mother who worked exceptionally hard when the kids were younger to educate myself and then I started a business when they got older. I now teach people about healing and empowerment along side my original business. We have to understand that these "trends" are not reality. They are, or at least should be for entertainment purposes only. We can't compare ourselves to what we see on social media. At best, they're snapshots of people's lives, and more often than not, they're advertisements. The issue with social media is that people compare themselves to what they see, and then believe that they are failing or somehow less than. We shouldn't head into partnership with the mindset of "when it ends". But, we also shouldn't be giving up such huge parts of ourselves that we don't have a way of standing on our own, if life comes to that. The biggest thing I would suggest to young people (and I have raised 3), is that if you're close enough to a person to think about sharing your lives and bringing new life into this world, then you need to be open to having the conversations about building a life that is rewarding and sustainable for the both of you, in all circumstances.
This is a great topic especially for you to cover, cause I'm sure more then a few times someone who doesn't follow you has stumbled upon your content and assumed you were a Trad Wife, since your content is (slightly) Trad Wife adjacent. I personally follow a few trad wife cretors, because I strive to have a more traditional relationship in the future, but A. the ones I follow mostly do discuss the harder aspects, it just depends how intently you follow them B. I educated myself via the internet and my own life expriences as well as family experiences before I considered that something I wanted to presue and know more about, C. I do sometimes see content even from creators I like that is not how I would do it and not how I would encourage others to either, but it is their lives so I leave it at that. There is a danger in the allure of this content, but I feel the most important thing is that people talk more openly about the challenges and pitfalls that can happen. Many "mom content" creators share the reality's and a handful of Trad Wives do to, it is all about finding the right "influencers" to make your view well rounded, that can be challenging with how social media is designed but if you are willing to put in the work it can be done. More conversations on all ends are always better!
I love this take! I adore the cottage-core, homestead type aesthetic, but am well aware of how unrealistic so much of it is! I also made a point when I was deciding what to do after university of looking at careers that would offer me flexibility in the future when I decided to have children. I ultimately decided to become a swimming teacher, in part because it gives me the opportunity to work short, flexible shifts that I could work around my husband’s future career plans and my future children, whilst also allowing me to do something I absolutely love! But when I told my friends and my Mum that part of my thinking, they were scandalised, as if I shouldn’t be considering what I KNOW I want my future to be when I’m only in my early 20s! Yet if I hadn’t, and then had got to the point of having children and realised I had to choose between raising them and having a career, they would have been equally stumped! I don’t think there is anything wrong with shaping your life in your 20s to accommodate your future dreams, but there is such a push to be super high-flying and have an amazing career (which I do! I love every day I go in to work, which is more than a lot of people can say!), and not mention wanting to raise children in case you’re seen as a ‘bad feminist’, despite the fact that feminism is about CHOICE, and this is my CHOICE! Agh, I get so passionate about this 😂. Great video as always Melanie! 💚
I love this video and I appreciate how you didn't shame the homemaker lifestyle! Many takes on Trad Wives quickly show creators' biases towards being a homemaker. It's hard to watch and respect their take. I grew up with a mom who had to work at times but she was a homemaker most of the time. She was so passionate about keeping a home for me and my dad. I saw her show real skill and passion for this type of work, so I respect being a homemaker or stay-at-home mom like I would appreciate someone with an office job. I'm not saying you have to be perfect to be a stay-at-home mom, my mom definitely was wearing pajamas cleaning and we didn't have candle light dinners all the time, but if she had the energy she would try to make everything look grand. That's what she wanted to do. My dad also cooked and would make things from scratch, and I saw her look tired and stressed taking care of us at home but I know she loved doing it. I appreciate how real you were about this topic, but you don't shame it as a lifestyle.
Excellent video!! Have really struggled seeing all that tradwife content aghh. Great insight and balance to this video, love how you always facilitate a well rounded discussion and acknowledge the massive *context* around it all ❤️
When I see that content all I see is "my family is rich enough that I don't have to worry about work, and I can cosplay and pursue my interests instead." Not judging, that sounds great 😂 I wish we could all afford that
I grew up and raised kids in an era where domesticity was not supported or encouraged unless you were very wealthy. I would have loved to have someone to say “making a home is a worthy pursuit.” And it wasn’t a soft, easy life. You’re basically doing the work you’d be paying someone else to do. This was a great video looking at it from all sides and I would agree we need to get off women’s cases and just let them be, career or home focused. We really can mind our own business.
I'm the girl in the thumbnail in the yellow dress! And I can PROMISE you, we're nowhere near rich, I don't have unseen childcare, and I've quite literally only made $26 from tiktok. I agree that some influencers DO make more money, have childcare, whatever. But the generalization is wrong. We live in a small home and my husband makes $50k a year. I get maybe one night of babysitting for my kids a month. Love most of this video, but I just wanted to point that out! 🌸
Living in the online world created by random individuals is not healthy in the first place. We should focus more on what is happening in the real world, check out how real women live and not obsessing over 20second videos that are aesthetically staged in order to boost public engagement (love or hate) and to generate revenue. Traditional wives should be loving, caring and protective of their family. Traditional husbands should be loving, caring and protective of their family. Melanie's making a very good point in that 50s women didn't enjoy doing the chores either. These are must do's in life. So to me this kind of content is just useless and besides the point. Let's live in the real world! Thank you, Melanie, for your insights!❤
I am staying at home mom, my husband is the only provider and we are not rich :) and I do not have any help but I couldn’t be more happy taking care of my kids at home, that is my job and I take it as serious, I work hard but is quite rewarding. I do also not look very fancy most of the days but everyday it gets easier and better as when you get better on your carrer and more experienced. With the years you get better at cooking, cleaning and helping your family so is not fake for all the moms you are mentioning. I think is a pleasure to be very good at your carrer (homemaker) and if this women work part time on whatever they are still staying at home. I for example baby sit dogs occasionally to bring extra dollars, but the important part is that you are there for your love ones.
As a long time stay at home mom, I love it, but it’s not without challenges, my husband has never tried to control me via money or anything else. I see it as a blessing I’ve been able to be the one who raised my kids. But it can be very monotonous cleaning the same thing saying the same things and cooking the same things. I will say it’s a lonely career to be a SAHM in my experience. No real adult conversation on the daily. But really it all comes down to what works for each family and what brings you joy.
I don’t have children but my job is very stressful so I actually enjoy watching those videos. I also had a job where I basically took care of the houses of elderly people from house to house. It was more like the simple life. Cleaning houses and gardening and having a chat with some tea. I actually get the simple life a lot more. Than working at some high traffic train station working for citizens who are most of the time moody and in a hurry 😂. But also acknowledging the history of the 1950 , like the problematic issues. What I am trying to say is. Work today doesn’t pay enough to have a simple life at home. You almost have no time to be at home and enjoy the simple life because you need to have more and more money with every inflation that is going on. And with being short staffed you also have to do more work without being paid more.
Literally every single person on this earth is different, therfore every child is different, every family is different. If a person wishes and actively chooses to be a trad wife - makes a conscious effort every day to be that and follow that path and that is all they have ever wanted for themselves, it works for them and thier family - that so brilliant! If someone finds themselves falling into a more trad wife role because of the way their family dynamic has just seemed to play out but it does work for you and your family and you are happy and content fulfilling that kind of role - that is also SO brilliant. Every family is different- we shouldn't be judging each others family dynamic and the way each other choose to live their family life. Every single one of us just be out here trynna do what works for us. Do what works, whatever that looks like for you and f*** everyone else 😘
I read all the comments about how you really shouldn't leave your job to look after your family because WHAT IF. And I do understand it, it's a valid thought but also, how much do you not trust your relationship? I'm looking after my baby at the moment and I am not sure if I will go back to work outside the home. But even if I don't, I do see it as a very privileged situation (my partner's income is high enough to support us) and as a temporary situation. I will go back to work at some point. I'll also add that my husband and I have a joint account for house expenses and then individual accounts for our own expenses. Maybe I live in a naive bubble, but how do people NOT talk about finances in their marriage?? Money is such a big part of life! It's like that girl that says you should worry when you're dating not when you're married. You definitely should talk about how you share/spend money on shared things before you're married. Do people agree??
One of the reasons I love your content so much is because you show more “traditional” fem roles, and that is familiar to me. Stuck in the mundanity of life, it is nice to have a little inspiration from someone who is also at times stuck in that same place. And you give us a little inspiration to romanticize the little things. I notice that you state “perceived decline of traditional family values”. Curious if you feel we overestimate a decline in this area?
I'm a SAHM/HW, now that my toddler is almost in school ive started working part time. While theyre at preschool a couple of mornings. I have found that all of my family have been super supportive of my choice to stay home as long as possible for my baby. My career oriented self proclaimed feminist friends have actually been the most judgemental. Asking me things like "how do you do it, becuase my brain would just rot away," and "dont you care about your career?" "But youre so educated!" Etc etc. so so so many snarky, unkind comments. I may be a SAHM/HW but I also make sure to read, have hobbies and im lucky to have a husband who is a very involved dad. All these things make beibg a home maker, SAHM delightful. I honestly love it. Why does caring for your own children get such a bad rep? They dont disrespect (and shouldnt) the underpaid, hardworking childcare worker! So why is it ok when its a self contained labour for your own family. If women have no choice but to work to keep their families alive, i respect that. I can imagine how insanely hard it is to work and be a mother away from your babies. I dont judge working mums, that shit is hard!!!! I take ny hat off to them. I have the mobility to move back into a career if i so wish, but im making a choice to invest in my family. On my deathbed my boss wont be standing there holding my hand saying how much he appreciated the extra hours I put in. Employers dont give a rats ass about you. No matter who you are, you're replaceable. A mother and father can never truly be replaced. The thing with the trad wife movement that I take serious issue with is the encouragement to not bother with school, or higher education. YOUR KNOWLEDGE, EXPERIENCE AND EDUCATION IS SOMETHING NO ONE CAN TAKE FROM YOU. Dont encourage young women to have nothing for themselves. Its gross and short sighted. And to the feminists, having an education isnt squandered when you have kids, you can pass on knowledge, wisdom and teach!!!!
This is so true! I am also a sahm and now homeschooling. I hate when people ask if I am worried about my "resume gap" .....um no....I am super thankful to have this time with my children. the tradwives setting people up for an abusive relationship where they are completely dependent on someone and only seen as valuable if their home is spotless is dangerous and irresponsible. We should all have the CHOICE to do what we want, and live in a society that values and respects our choices.
I'm a stay at home mom because I want to but also out of necessity. We have 3 kids, 4 and under, and although I am a licensed teacher, if I went to pursue a career in teaching, my entire paycheck wouldn't even cover childcare so working would be pointless. Essentially, I would be paying to be away from my kids for no reason, especially since I'm not passionate about teaching anyway. We knew before having kids that we wanted one of us to stay home, so I did because I breastfeed and have the patience to be home with kids all day (hence why I thought I'd like teaching but unfortunately do not lol )
I’m of the opinion that both people in a marriage should practice the same things, know everything that needs to be done to earn money, take care of the house and of the kids. Because you never know what happens. What if one dies. The other one shouldn’t become half useless because of that.
I have been thinking about this for a while. I believe the term Trad wife refers to the relationship between husband & wife whereas a stay at home mom refers to the relationship between parent & child. Both depict a person raising children. However there is a differece and 9/10 the USA versions we see online are reglion based principals which can sometime feel behind the times when the focus is on the caring of husband over the caring of children.
Look at you with your cute Snow White vibe. Love it. I’m a SAHM. Always wanted that. Dated my husband for 7 years before getting married. He fully supports the decision and is a very driven person. He knows my work at home is priceless. I’m appreciated and loved. Our boys are his everything. We had a hefty savings before I quit. So I’m beyond confident in the decision. However, I am still aware that I’m screwed if I don’t figure out a way to work part time at some point. Not because my husband will leave me. But just in general. I need to develop a new skill in case of an emergency. But I will always stand by my decision and was willing to take the risk to be there every single day for my children. I could never justify working “in case” something happens. I’d rather be stuck bagging groceries at 50 and know that I got to do my most important work in the early days. To each their own though. Also, I’m annoyed you’re in Ireland. That Jeff Bezos clip made me pee my pants. We would be BFFs. lol
Stephanie coontz wrote a book called” the way we never were 📚 “ looking at this whole nostalgia v reality thing. Oh and John Gillis “a world of their own making”. If anyone’s a reader 📖
Mom married in 1978 because she desperately wanted this life And she had odd jobs here and there but ultimately chose not to work My father was incredibly abusive and used her as an emotional punching bag He drank heavily and cheated on her Now they’re in their 70s and live off his pension He struts his stuff on the beach and calls all the ladies by the poolside his “girlfriends” When I was a kid I begged my mom to leave him, but she always told me she couldn’t because of financial reasons While I was growing up I vowed NEVER to let myself be HER Got myself educated including my masters I also learned a second language as an adult Now I work for the government and I am the one banking in my pension plan I pay my own bills and my plan is to strut my stuff in the beach when I’m in my 60s (I’m 45 now) and if I want a boyfriend- I will have that freedom (Im just kidding about that last part - but hey - why not??) 👌 💪
Lippie is Catrice Scandalous Matte Lipstick 090 Blame The Night I LOVE HER! Clear gloss by Rimmel over the top! The rest of my makeup is ALL Sculpted By Aimee apart from the highlight, which is 'flexitarian' by Colour Pop I've been using it years it's incredible!
I think it's really sad that these trends push people into feeling like a slow life or a focus on homemaking is necessarily conservative. My mom was a stay-at-home mom because she really wanted to take care of her children, and my parents felt like it was really important that we weren't raised by nannies our whole childhood. Even though this decision was eased by some structural concerns (my dad was more educated, was older and already had a fairly stable career when they got together), this never changed their dynamic - my mom was the person who managed most of the house's finances, and they always shared access to their bank account. They were also hardcore hippies who had an open marriage. My mom was heavily judged by others though. Her friends and family, my dad's coworkers, my friends and their parents, always made snarky comments about how she was lazy because she didn't have a job. I heard time and time again my friends at school asking why my mom didn't do anything, while their moms did all the house chores on top of a fulltime job. At the time I felt embarassed, it took a long time until I was able to defend my parents and their decision. It's a real disservice both to women who stay at home and women who balance a 9-5 and housework, and it will continue to be an obstacle to true gender equality.
Super interesting, the thing is that there are so many trends out there, it's pure confusion due to the polarisation of opinions and short lifecycle's trends. However, your pop cult explanation on this one it's super well done. My grandmother was a trad wife (born in 1935 in the south of Italy) completely dependent on my grandfather. She always said to me to build up my own career. That should speak volume. On the other hand, if someone of the younger gens is into this lifestyle that is fine, but if it is just a cosplay for the gram or tt that is a bit sad, people should develop their identity aside those micro trends. Xo
They are selling the dream of being able to quit work because you are pretty. Being an actual housewife looks like hell, particularly in the kind of abusive relationship that nobody expects will happen to them.
My mom was a trad wife.... she was at my fathers whim, and it was enfuriating watch my mom never be able to rely on my dad for anything evn dangerous things at times. She never had her own money, never had her own car. On top of having to clean up after my dad who never cleaned up after himself. He's also a hoarder. He never helped with the house or with me and my brother. There were signs that he cheated on her various times. I could never! Now as a SAHM myself I am not letting slide any of the things my mom did and am going to have my own home job/ income as soon as I can. I will never be stuck and a pushover or a traditionalist just because thats the "right" thing to do. My mom never worked while being married even when we needed a second income. That will not be me. I've worked while pregnant and now am just settling myself into my new home to eventually start making content too. I will not be a helpless individual and I will not teach my daughters to be that way either.
Great video :) I totally agree with you. I also just wanted to say I love your make-up (I don't wear make-up much at all but I love this look and would like to try it one day.) and I really love the shirt or dress you're wearing. I'd love to know where you got it. The neckline and colour are beautiful and suit you really well.
I very much agree here. I think if this is what women choose for themselves then great. And I love the shift towards motherhood more and appreciating that, even though for a lot of people it's not attainable to stay home. However for someone that experienced financial and emotional abuse, I could never be someone like that. I was on maternity leave for 9 months and then a year later spent 6 months unemployed thinking we could survive on my partners money. Which technically we could have. But I never had access to any money or any say in anything. I never had any new clothes even when I needed them, had to do the weeks shop for under £30 meanwhile he was buying expensive trainers and watches. If I asked for more money I was ridiculed and criticised for overspending. If the house wasn't spotless when he got home from work he would shout and say mean things to me. And when I wanted to leave that relationship I had nothing. No money, no car and no way of surviving on my own. I decided to go back to work, despite his objections and then eventually built up enough of my own money to leave. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship for decades with no work history or anything and then having to start again. As much as nobody wants to plan for divorce, I think it's very risky to not have a back up plan.
Dudes, Dudettes, there are two kinds of husbands and wives--you either work IN or you work OUT. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman. A man who works IN, is a man that works for himself. A woman who works in is a woman who works for herself. A housewife (or a houseman) may not get paid but if she (or he) did, the hourly wage currently is about $40/hr, also keep in mind that these "content creators" are earning what is called money. Now, if you work OUT, what that means is that you are not your own boss, somebody else is your boss. A farmer (whether man or woman) works IN. A supervisor or a regular worker at a big company works OUT.
I personally think that women have every right to experience feminity without being submissive. You can be a homemaker by all means, but also have some means of earning if possible by your side, because you never know what happens to your partner and you need financial aid.
I have an issue with the glorification of trad wife life. And the whole religious aspect that most of them seem to push. No issues at all with the cute videos about domesticity.
I am a med student and my oarner is already out of school and works as an engineer in an IT firm. He makes a lot more money than i do (i do keep a part time teaching job), so i get money from him. He expressed multiple times, that him being the primary breadwinner does not make me the housewife. I do cook and clean, but its just the amount i would if i lived alone and he helps with nightly cleaning every single day. I feel like these trad wives can forget that a woman can rely on her partner while also pursuing something of her own. She doesnt have to be home maker just because she isnt making the same amount of money. And even as a mum, im sure you can still keep some hobbies and have an outside life. Its really important for people to do somethign that makes sense to them.
![Twenty One Pilots - “The Line” (from Arcane Season 2) [Official Music Video]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/E2Rj2gQAyPA/mqdefault.jpg)
Everybody always talks about having a back up plan “if he cheats”, “if he leaves you”, etc. You could be married to the most loyal, devoted, loving man and STILL need a backup plan. What if he gets cancer and dies? What if he’s permanently disabled in a car accident? Women need a backup plan REGARDLESS of their spouse’s character.
No one said otherwise.
A real couple will talk about that and plan TOGETHER. I got myself and my wife on health insurance PLUS supplemental insurance to further cover hospital stays, cancer insurance, and $100,000 life insurance. I as a loving husband want to know that even if I die, my wife will be able to keep going with the life insurance paying out to her.
This shouldn’t be something a wife has to think about by herself. In a real relationship, you work together through everything.
@@mb10637yep! My husband and myself have a 500,000 life insurance plan , 401k and of course other insurances for fire / water damage etc . That’s what a PARTNERSHIP IS.
A serious couple will talk about it and have this situation in mind. I talked about this before getting married that there should be a back up plan and that he needs to plan accordingly.
@@AlphaStudios-lh1rznah there are people out there shaming women for planning just in case, saying they aren't devoted etc.
This content has been bothering me for a while. People who think women used to "not work" and were "taken care of" have a fundamental misunderstanding of history... We worked, we just weren't paid for it. We weren't "taken care of," we were controlled.
Due to poor mental health, I've always struggled to take advantage of the freedoms afforded to me by feminist movements, but I'm thankful to even have the opportunity to work (for money) and spend/save my money how I like. And it's nice to be looked at as a human, not a doll or accessory.
Also, ladies... YOU enjoying traditional gender roles doesn't mean that women "BELONG" anywhere. That is YOUR experience. We (humans, regardless of gender) are more complex than prescribed roles of any type could encapsulate.
Well said
THIS. Women worked throughout history. Perhaps the most important part of the video and something NOBODY seems to be talking about...the fact that the 50s does NOT represent 'TRADITIONAL'.
Damn👏🏻
@rutabaga_ruth5450
When you say nonsense like "We weren't "taken care of," we were controlled." it just shows how out of touch with reality you feminist's really are. The total and utterly delusion never fails to surprise me and it's no wonder so many men are walking away.
Please, tell me, how many women in history wanted to go work down in the mines? Wanted to be out harvesting the fields? Laying the roads, digging the wells or building the very houses women got to live in? How many women where out at sea every day fishing in all weathers? How many women where out protecting the village from wolves and / or invaders?
So on and so forth. Men went out and did that because women didn't want to. Even today they do not want those jobs. Men do the dirty dangerous work so women never had to. What did women get in return? Homes which they had to maintain because the men where out working. There was no convenience of pre pre prepped food. No running water for most, no clothes of the peg. Someone had to go earn money or the resources and someone had to process those resources to be eaten or worn.
You can talk nonsense like "we where not paid for it" but who the heck paid for the home those women lived in, the clothes on her back, the food that was put on the table? Men! but that never stopped women from having side hustles that did make them money such as being a seamstress or nanny etc.
You girls need to stop playing the perpetual "women" where victims card. For most of history, men did the donkey work, women where the home makers and that was how things where
No one is claiming that "some" women where not oppressed but guess what, a lot of men sure where! they where the ones sent to die to protect the women.
You now live in an era where you can do and be anything you want and what do you choose....to whine on the internet about things that never really happened because men bad right?
Most men never ever looked at women as "a doll or accessory". They actually looked at women as partners. Mothers of their children. Someone to build with and someone to share their lives with. But no, you're rather listen to a few anecdotal stories on the internet about how "men bad".
Well ladies, you're all free now. You don't need men and when you get one, you don't know how to treat them anyway. enjoy your 9 to 5 and being cat and dog mums because men are leaving the dating space in droves....and I do not blame them.
Also only a certain class stayed home and didn't work outside, only white and upper class women.
Damn, it hit hard when you said, “women are expected to work like they don’t have kids, and expected to raise children like they don’t work”. I think it hit the nail on the head, as not only are we expected to do both but we’re expected to balance everything, and STILL be perfect at both. I loved this video, especially that you were understanding and went deep into both sides of the topic! I could imagine you doing interviews/documentary style videos on topics like this in the future🙏
Yes, that one got me as well. People love to say that life is so much easier today. But honestly, the demands of each individual have never been higher.
Back in the day, you took an education to get a better paying job. Nowadays, you have to spend most of your young adulthood to get an education - just to have a chance of getting a job, and some form of job security. In most countries, you will also have to take student jobs alongside the studies, to support yourself. Spending a LOT of time working and studying.
Then there is appearance. You are expected to always look and smell good, but not look like you actually tried. Therefore, you either spend a lot of time and money that you don't actually have on achieving that. Or you end up having no energy to do it at all. Same with cooking and cleaning. Not to mention time to socialise, exercise, have a hobby, etc.
Lets do the math. 24 hours in a day
- 8 hours sleep
- 1 hour transportation to/from work (some will need less, but many people spend up to an hour each way)
- 1 hour to get ready in the morning (shower, breakfast, getting family ready)
- 8 hours work
- 1 hour transportation (home)
That leaves you with 5 hours to do all the rest
- Cooking, eating and cleaning (will usually take at least 1 hour combined, up to 2 if you eat with your family)
- Laundry
- Exercise or hobby
- Socialising, dating, childcare
- Any evening routine you might have
Usually, by the time you cook and clean, you are too exhausted to do any hobbies, exercise or socialising. Really, it is not that strange that people want to get out of that hamster wheel...
Basically America Ferrera s speech in the Barbie movie
I refuse to buy into this Cottage Core right-wing subservience because I was born with a uterus. Nope.
Gee, it's like our ancestors figured out women shouldn't face outside heavy work & dangers and maintain important household upkeep and raising children.
This is true. It's odd that the answer isn't men should pick up their share. Or capitalism should stop expecting 40+ hours/week of work from workers. Why is the answer then that women should give up their economic security in the economy we exist in and submit to their husbands? The system is broken and the answer isn't to break ourselves to fit it.
My mom was a real traditional house wife- dependant on my dad, never had her own money and no time to herself ever with 4 kids in 5 years. My dad always made it known HE made the money. When she made it possible but got so little credit. I'm a part time teacher and it's very important to me to have a job while also spending a lot of time with my kids and cooking a lot and doing all kinds of things for house and kids. It's the perfect combo for me. The "trad wife" content is confusing to me since they are working moms who do the same things we all do for our homes and kids.
yeah they all work full time on social media, the job is literally to film yourself working and then convince people you're actually staying at home with traditional roles? please put the phome away and sign over your social media accounts to your husband
@@rhi963 right😉
When I worked in retail I had a customer who, like your mum, had been a true traditional, dependent wife. She was in her 80's when I knew her, her husband had passed, and she didn't even know how to open a bank account. Because she understood nothing about banking, driving, etc. she almost ended up homeless. In her 80's. I spent numerous days off teaching her how to navigate the public transit system as well as how to do basic banking. I even got her in touch with an estate lawyer who patiently walked her through accessing the money in her late husband's account so she wouldn't end up turned out of her own home. People can live whatever life they want, but the tradwives who put down feminism ... I'd love to introduce them to that sweet customer I used to know.
Must be nice, but what if he starts abusing you?
They’re stay at home moms with enough money to support help (like nannies & maids) so no….they’re not what a REAL stay at home mom looks like. They are cosplaying.
This isn't traditional, this is fetishisation of a particular era and social structure. Tradition isn't static, it's constantly evolving and improving itself. Feminism is a natural and necessary part of the evolution of family traditions. It's necessary because if your tradition doesn't change it isn't a tradition, it's a museum.
Love this. The truth about a woman's TRADITIONAL role is that she contributed to the family income...whilst also carrying out most of the care work and house keeping xxx
Tradition isn't static? Are you sure? I'm pretty sure that all the traditions I've ever participated in are exactly the same as they've always been. Christmas Dinner, for example. All the activities we do on Christmas day are considered tradition. Because we do them exactly the same each year. I'm confused by your comment
@@refreshingtwist mmm actually a lot of our Christmas traditions were invented by the Victorians!
@susannahleopold6788 meaning?
@refreshingtwist those Christmas traditions didn't just spring into existence fully formed. They are themselves a continuation and evolution of celebrations that came before. If that tradition couldn't change in response to the world around it then it would have died out. People still celebrated Christmas during the great depression but I'll bet those celebrations looked a lot different to how they went in the 20s.
All young women need to be raised to aim to work to support themselves. It’s not just about divorce or cheating! This gives them the choice to stay single, or a means to survive if a partner is unemployed, long-term unwell, or passes away.
But it's obvious that if a women wished to remain single, that she'd need to have a traditional paying job. What if a woman wants to support a family of her own children from a young age, and has a partner willing to be 'the breadwinner'? If that's what she wants more than anything? It's a choice I fully support. More and more women are coming out admitting to this deep desire, and we need to talk about that. Perhaps because so many have taken to social media to share that they waited to have babies and put building a career first, now they are finding it's not happening for them because they've missed their window.
I believe that a desire to pursue a career for SURE should be encouraged but *not just* "in case of xyz" but because it's what a person wants for their life...and that society needs to value homemakers far more than they do, incase being a SAHP is what a person wants, because it's one of the most important jobs of all. One proposal is that housewives/househusbands who are parents would be given a salary from their government fund, funded through tax payer $...that this might build respect for domestic labour while also giving women dignity, recognition and independence...but there are various issues with this that often result in it not happening which is a conversation for another day!
@@melaniemurphyofficial thanks for responding so thoughtfully!
I’m going to frame my response in gender-neutral language, at least at the start. The thing is, that because of the way society is currently organised, not compensating people for stay-at-home care work, it turns that person into the breadwinner’s employee, essentially - and to my mind, this is enormously risky, because it’s conflating business with pleasure and leaves you literally sleeping with the boss.
Say we did flip things around and pay people a fair rate to be homemakers - how many years are we talking about? After the youngest child is about a year old, surely it is massively inefficient in comparison to group care and education settings? How *could* it be paid at a living wage given the inefficiency of the model?
I’m trying to raise my child to expect to work *and* be active in the home, not one or the other. It would feel like placing him in a position of terrible vulnerability to encourage him to enter into a dependency on the whims of a partner. And now that I’ve gendered my sentence, maybe it highlights the real issue here: it’s all in one direction, the expectation seems to be near-universally that the woman will take these risks.
I suppose my perspective is unusual - I’m in a same-sex partnership, I’m the main breadwinner, I did the pregnancy part, and we both do a lot of care work and some paid work. My partner has also been long-term sick. I’m ever so grateful that the one message I got from my parents growing up was to make sure I could support myself, whatever my family structure, because otherwise I dread to think where we’d have ended up over the past few years…
@@aimeelinekar3902Fully support of that 💜
@@aimeelinekar3902 I completely agree with this and it really doesn't matter if it's a same sex relationship or heterosexual relationship. The same concepts still apply. All the best to you and your family.
@@aimeelinekar3902 I agree with making sure one is able to support themselves. I was also a sahm, and now at age 56, I'm not working because I don't need to financially and I'm helping to care for my elderly parents. I worked minimally as a nurse on a per diem basis once my kids went to school, and will always maintain my license. My mother was very controlling and I worked very hard for my independence and achieved it. Skills which allow one to be independent of parents also allow for independence from a spouse if need be. The problem with some of the tradwife influencers is that they basically discourage the adulting process. Estee Williams advises young girls to be okay with living with parents until they find a "traditional man" for marriage. NO! NO! NO! I say gain some independence from parents, aquire some marketable skills and live like an adult before even thinking of entering into marriage. Most well adjusted men want to date mature adult women, not legal adult females still living at home like teenagers with no financial responsibilities or goals other than snagging a man. And I'd honestly question the character and intent of any man who would be willing to date them. I'd never discourage women from being sahms if that's what they want, but they should be capable of independent adulthood first.
A little off point but I think the idea of the "simple" life is becoming increasingly attractive because the majority are so frustrated and jaded from working full time and not live comfortably or even being able to afford our own houses. Back in the day you would grind because there was an excellent chance of it paying off with a sense of independence, autonomy, freedom and security. Now we grind yet still live precariously. A friend who has worked full time since 2014 went into a bank to ask about a mortgage and they laughed at her. We've normalised laughing at people who spend 1/3 of their life working and want to own their own home. And we are talking about supposedly developed countries. It makes me feel like they're laughing at us from the top . No wonder a rejection of hustle culture is bubbling. This turned into a huge rant but anyway - not a tradwife here but yes to pushing against the system!
Love this! Excellent point
I did mention this, it's such an important part of the conversation and not off point at ALL
Independence, autonomy, freedom, and security are the main things a housewife lacks (along with any real sense of accomplishment)
I have a coworker, she works almost 2 full time jobs. She works a 9 - 5 with me and then en the evenings she works in a nursing home where she stays overnight. In the morning, she wakes up and comes straight to her day job. This is her daily routine. She also works the other job on the weekends. This is just to be able to afford a basic lifestyle that everyone who works should be able to have. So yes, you are right. It is insane right now. Looking forward, maybe my husband and I will never be able to afford a house with the way things are.
@Fearlessly91 that is such a cruel and ignorant thing to say, especially the last part.
I teach high school kids. I always tell the girls who want to be mothers to focus on careers where they can control their hours. This way, if they want to mostly stay home, they can, but if they need to go back to work, they can increase their hours. Never, ever, EVER lose your credentials or step completely out of the workforce. That being said, it is legitimately nice to be able to scale back hours with young kids in the house.
A friend once pointed out that a lot of conservative attitudes especially around gender roles... kinda start to look like kink/fetish play when you really think about it. Like since he said that, I now can't comprehend how a trad wife "submitting to her husband" and "his house is his CASTLE and so he should feel like a KING" isn't just a sub/dom kink fantasy in different costumes and lighting... and with likely none of the consent and boundary awareness that is core to the actual kink community and acknowledging what it actually is you're doing here. Kink is not always sexual! Just food for thought 😅
You have a point, especially since these content creators are generating their own income, i.e., aren't "traditional wives" at all. It's like roleplaying.
Wait holy shit this is amazing
@@rutabaga_ruth5450 yes! It might seem sexy to them, since they ultimately consented to this kink while still holding some power in the relationship by making an income. But true power imbalance is not sexy. I just recently witnessed a relative yelling angrily at his wife (a sahm of two without a permission to work in the country, totally dependent on her husband) with no apparent reason other than showing dominance - and that chilled me to the bone! No wonder she doesn’t find tradwife lifestyle sexy!
THIS. real women who live traditionally dont glorify their husband the same way these wives do. I can respect my husband and not present myself as his servant. also they wouldn't post any of this shit online
I am GOBBLING this thought food you're SO RIGHT
The tradwife influencers are a really interesting niche. As a stay at home mom myself, I am very involved in the running of my home, my kids, cooking, cleaning etc. The tradwife influencers do these same tasks in a very performative way. It's all everyday things done in very unrealistic ways. "My husband was craving cereal, so I made it from scratch".. I've made homemade cereal, it's healthier and tastes great, but it's not something I'd do on the whims of someone's cravings. Remembering that they are influencers, creating an aesthetic, a narrative for their channel and that the things they are doing are for entertainment is very important. Just like I don't think that women who choose to work should be judged, women who choose to be homemakers shouldn't be judged, or lumped into this unrealistic "tradwife" category.
Completely agree! I'm also a SAHM but I'm not posting about making homemade bread on social media. 😂 I bake a lot, because I like it, and because my degree in food science actually makes cooking and baking even more interesting to me. The chemistry behind cooking is so fascinating! But I don't have the time or patience to film myself making homemade bread/cooking, etc, nor do I think it would make for good content. I don't care about the aesthetics enough. I'm generally listening to a British murder mystery for watching some cute show with my son while I'm cooking LOL. I got my college degree, met my husband, put him through college and his master's degree, and then felt burnt out and was able to stay at home when I had my son. I think that's kind of a feminist act in a way. I was the breadwinner for years, and now I have the privilege of being able to choose to stay home. I think feminism is about respecting the choices of other women, and making the best choices for your own circumstances. I love that there are women that rock their jobs, and I also love that women have the opportunity to stay home if they can or want to. I agree some of this tradwife stuff is pretty offensive when they talk about the submissive garbage, though. Maybe I shouldn't say it's garbage. It just personally makes me feel really icky, as one who has suffered abuse at the hands of a man many, many years ago. And as much as I love my husband and son, I don't think men are de facto on this elevated plane above women. Definitely not!!!
@@susanjeffries5108 Love this take! Yes women supporting women is what I think feminist goals should be. I have also been the "bread winner" when my husband lost his job. I was still working while he was searching, and we worked as a team to make sure that our spending was in line with our new tighter budget in order to stay on top of our financial goals. My husband did end up finding the right opportunity for a new job, and a few years later we decided to start a family. We both felt like we could make the necessary sacrifices to be a one income household, so I could be home with our children. I think for women that pour their passion into their career it makes sense to make sacrifices to stay in the workplace. I never had that; I had a job. Sacrificing my job and the extra income was the right move for me and my family, but that might not be the right move for everyone.
@@susanjeffries5108 Well said! Thank you, because I know women who got beaten up by their husbands, just because they thought they're better. Bunch of cowards, those men, nothing more 😌
My grandma who was a 1950s wife is the strongest and loudest advocate I know for women making their own money and having a means of supporting themselves independently of their husbands. Precisely because the realities of financial disempowerment and abuse are so real and equally devastating. She always said, whatever you do, protect yourself and your own interests.
My grandmother was in the same generation as yours... she said similar things. She was so happy that her daughters and granddaughters had more opportunities for education.
But what if the liberation of women from traditional gender roles inevitably leads to population collapse and the destruction of civilization?
Would you still support it even if it were unsustainable?
EXACTLY, my grandmothers and older women in general ingrained the idea of getting education, my own money, my own place, my own car etc. into my brain. not once did they tell me to get married and be completely dependent on my husband. and damn sure i took their advice, instead of buying into these delusional women's ideas
@@scottsurvival6960well maybe modern men should work on developing skills to be desirable partners for modern women and voila! we wont be having a depopulation problem and also the planet is already overpopulated
@masa-pt9vs why do you suggest a solution for de-population while also admitting that the world is overpopulated 🤔
In Germany, marriage was built to support the 1950s lifestyle: Married couples get rewarded if one partner works significantly less. (tax reduction) Since women still get paid less in most jobs, the consequence is that the woman will be the one to reduce her hours. Then if and when she gets pregnant, she will stop working altogether. Then, when couples break up, women are left with almost nothing. The number of women who end up in poverty because they get little to zero pension is alarming. Most of my friends who got married in their 20s are splitting up now, and I am seeing the true personality of men who I thought were decent. Suddenly they are even talking their former spouse into giving them the little amount of “pension points” they have. They are fighting so that their former wives have NOTHING. We cannot go into marriage with rose tinted glasses, it’s way too dangerous. If you get married, please make sure you have a contract that ensures your fair treatment in the worst case scenario. Nobody wants to think of these things, but the reality is that most marriages end in divorce. Better safe than sorry!
You can still have 4/4 class split if you want to though 🙄 Nobody forces anyone to necessarily go into the 3/5 classes split. And aren't they going to cancel it anyway this or next year?
To me encouraging women to maintain skills and education that can be used to make money isn’t just in case of divorce. What if he gets sick or injured and can’t work?
Again, I wish we’d stop encouraging women to view their futures through the lens of whether or not whomever they might marry will be around. This is totally valid! But idk I’m sad that so many women choose their path not based on what they are passionate about/good at but based on their likelihood of ending up alone 😩 It’s such a negative framework y’know? We exist independently
@@melaniemurphyofficial totally! It is unhealthy to allow your life to be driven by fear and worst case scenarios. We should follow our joy. But for me it falls into the same category as buying insurance. I don’t plan on crashing my car, but I still have coverage.
But how come there are no men finding their passion in taking care of their babies, financially dependent and baking? I mean, many men love their children (or is it that dads love their children less than moms?) and many men enjoy baking, but I don’t see any of them in the internet complaining about how they have been told by xxx (patriarchy?) that they are allowed ti be stay at home dads and being “”taken care of””.
Also, in a capitalist society, either you inherit generational wealth or you (man or woman) have to work a paid job for a living (either one you are passionate about or not, capitalism doesn’t care, neither does you landlord). So basically it is very difficult to be a stay at home dad-mom if your partner isn’t providing for the family (and even if he/she does, most wages alone are not enough to provide for 4 people).
So we are really trying to teach our children to be able to provide for themselves, finding a way for that to be your passion is the cherry on top. I used to be passionate about my job, I’m not any longer for reasons beyond my power, I find passion elsewhere, but I’m still financially responsible for so many things…
I agree with the ideas in this thread. My mom, a college-educated woman, stayed in an unhealthy relationship during my entire life because she didn't feel confident that she could handle supporting my brother and I on her own (financially and emotionally).
The world isn't fair and in America it's every person for themselves. There are not enough laws in place to provide safety nets for single parents.
This lesson taught me that financial stability and independence is crucial for me to live out in my life no matter what relationship I end up in.
@@MrPiruletas Well maybe its the fantasy for women, because we don't want to work anymore
If you're aspiring to be a trad wife, just please
- know that many to most videos are misleading, especially if no kids are involved. Staying at home cooking, cleaning and tending the kids is not glamorous at all; rather it can be a very isolating, frustrating and exhausting life, especially in this day and age,
- make sure you stay financially independent (as in you have your own bank account).
Loved the video btw, it was very balanced and addressed everything that needed to be addressed.
How can you possibly be a trad wife and be financially independent?
@@Jaylade Yeah, that's kind of the whole point, that you're dependent on his income. You should have your own bank account though, and he should be willing to transfer part of his income to it without being able to touch it.
@@madi32 I don't think that's the majority of men doing that. I think what's lacking in the conversation is the financial control men are getting back from this trend.
@@JayladeBeing born into wealth. Works like a charm in this economy.
That's not traditional, that's feminist behavior. @@madi32
Melanie, this is a great video!! My mom was a traditional 1950s-60s housewife. She had four children and was a housewife was constantly taking care of us. My dad wasn't demanding and they had their roles. They both were very talented. My dad could build anything and my mother sewed our clothes, cooked from scratch, and created a wonderful home for us. But her vision for us was to be well-educated and self sufficient. My husband and I married late so had no children. We share one bank account and credit cards. We talk over large purchases but neither of us question what small things we spend our money on. I would be concerned that women who want that trad wife life don't have skills to fall back on should the need arise for any reason.
There is a reason the song that goes, "You make me do too much labor" is so popular. Since the dawn of time, women have had to work. Even back during nomadic times, even back when we were still homoerectus, women did equal labor. They gathered. They learned information on what was safe to collect and forage and shared it with others. When we starting settling and building civilizations, women worked the fields along side their spouses. Once the start of ancient civilizations started, women worked either the land and home or outside the homes. Only rich women didn't work outside the home. And even those rich women still had the labor of literal labor, like childbirth. Being a stay at home parent is work, being a working mother is so much work, having a job is work. We're all doing labor, but our society only seems to champion the labor that is considered to be masculine (the 9-5) in 1950's to modern society. Edit: Also, pulling on my first degree in anthro, we found that women also hunted along side men and that often women were better at it because they were better at studying animals and stalking prey.
So when these trad wife creators act like they're living a soft easy life, then they're not a REAL trad wife. Being a full time mother and homemaker is hard work and not glamourous.
I think this is the most important part of the conversation/the video! It’s all just AN AESTHETIC it’s not based on true ‘tradition’ at all
Well said
"Unpaid labor". Marriage is two people becoming one. There is no "my money" or "your money", only *"our* money". And if a woman is looking to become a traditional wife, she will also be wanting a traditional husband that will provide for her. This is a different sort of man than one who gets paid by his employer and then spends the bulk of the money on himself.
Hi Melanie! The issue I have with the trad wife movement is the constant drone of, "if you work you're less of a woman. If you work, you don't love your kids and partner, if you work, you must be brainwashed." Not to mention what it does to people outside of the cis straight world. Overall, the idea that this is the one right way rubs me the wrong way.
It’s crazy how much of this depends on the way you were raised (for better or worse). My mom was always the breadwinner of my house, even after divorcing my dad and remarrying, she still is the main breadwinner to this day. I don’t know how the hell she did it but I NEVER felt like she wasn’t around, I never felt any lack of support or love from her. She hired help yes but all my memories from my childhood are from my mom at home with us, even though she worked a 9-5 as well. Adding to that I saw a couple of women family members that were traditional stay at home moms, get screwed up by their husbands and struggle a lot to keep their house, find a job, and start a career. I never even considered becoming a stay at home mom because all of those experiences taught me that I needed to be financially independent, and now growing up and seeing other dynamics it was very hard for me at first to understand why anyone would do that 😅 but honestly I support women and what they choose for themselves, as long as we keep teaching them to be smart!
Amen!
While you are lucky that you were able to have a great relationship with your mom even though she was also working full time (which is usually not the case for a lot of kids), one thing you may want to consider is the toll it took on her. To be able to both work full time and be dedicated to your job, but also juggle being there for your family take A LOT out of a person. It's the kind of life that exhausts you to the fullest and the last person you do take care of: is YOU. That would be the reason I actually would not advocate for this kind of life, even if to you as a child it looked wonderful. Being able to build a career and be a "boss lady" is wonderful. Being able to be a stay at home mom who devotes herself to her family is wonderful. Being both at the same time - is a special kind of torture. That's why I have no issue with "tradwifes" nor with feminists. My issue starts when we as women are expected to fill both roles. While far too many men only stick with the job aspect of it and nobody seems to mind.
@@notmanymore1521 I 100% agree with that, my mom still struggles to this day to take time for herself, especially without feeling guilty. And this is the main reason why I don’t know if I want to have kids or not. The pressure society puts on women vs men when they become parents is crazy, and I don’t know how I would take that. I value my passions and aspirations a lot and I don’t want to sacrifice that, but I also don’t want that to prevent me from having a family if I ever want to. I don’t know, it’s a difficult place to be in right now.
This is so dangerous! I studied law and am writing an exam paper on this exact thing, the danger that comes with finances in domestic violence. This might seem amazing while the relationship is healthy and blossoming, but women seriously need to ask why *they* are the ones that have to show their love for their male partner and children by giving up their financial security! This is how women for decades and still, get stuck in domestic violence or stuck even in a relationship she wants put of even though it’s been healthy.
Without money or employment and a career women aren’t eligable to get their own place unless it’s a super expensive rental from a private owner. They have to move often, due to those type of contracts tend to be short some months or up to 3 years at the most usually. To move cuts a big dent in the wallet too. She is not going to be able to find one single bank that will lend her the money, because she has no job of finances to show them. Many men use finances to string her along, which is impossible for her to escape unless she has friends or family that are willing or able to take in her (, and the kids if she has any because these men tend to never want to make it easy and have the kids living with him unless he wants to punish her and remove them from her because she wants to remove herself from him).
This is why knowing why things changed in society and educate yourself on WHY women fought so hard to have rights. To know that childcare, a right to vote, and be allowed to be withing the work force etc. etc. etc. came out of protection and so much more for women. To run full throlle in to a full regression and act as if anything good or cleaver is being done by running the errands of men who wants to keep women tied to them as proerty like back in the days, is horrendous! It’s tragic that it’s also always to 99.9 % always the woman that is supposeto give up her life and live in isolation and see nothing more than the floor she’s mopping and her male partner and their children.
As a woman I feel ashamed that so many of this young female generation willingly debate their right to have no rights and the older felame generation who applaud it because they have lived that way and live by the words of their man that ”a woman’s place is in the home”. I’m disgusted and saddened and have seen a ton of legal records during my education at uni. and during my internship how dangerous this is for women tied to domestic abuse in different variation (physical, sexual, financial, emotional, psychological, mentally, violence during and after the breakup process). We still in many countries have legal systems where women lose their children to abusive men because we live in a world that serves men, and if he says she has lost her marbles and is keeping the children from him she is deemed a non worthy parent in many court rooms and he will get custody. Then these children grow up and their lives are ruined because they share they were forced to grow up with a father/parent who regularly abused them. Because they have the custody they can deny the child any psychological right which means he determines tåwhat they know about the abuse he have them endure which these abusive men normalise and act as if they have done nothing wrng or nothing more than was needed.
Please stay educated and understand history in order to make proper decisions for your life now and for the future you! Listen to the women before you who have shared they were promised financial safety and protection, only to have the man abuse them, cheat on them, demand an extreme amount of things from her because he financially provided for her. Be your own agent and don’t be fina cially dependent on anyone so you can leave exactly when you want if and when a relationship is not for you anymore. Meet a partner out of love and not because you can live your life as a live in maid/nanny/s*x worker,cook,nurse,therapist to him!
I couldn’t agree with this more! I’ve recently become a stay at home mum to two very small children because of the cost of childcare. It’s hard! Cooking,cleaning, teaching, entertaining all day long and there’s still a feeling that im missing out on the fulfilment of a career that I went to university for plus the feeling that I’m not financially contributing. It’s in no way glamorous!
I really appreciate how balanced this was, thank you.
yes I was just thinking that- she has nuance which most people lack.
I completely agree! Very nuanced take and I loved her conclusion/wrap up.
I feel as though I have an interesting situation. I am and was raised to be a very independent woman. My career is important to me, I have a masters degree with plans to start a PhD, and ensuring women have every opportunity available to them is one of my core values. At the same time, I am 25 years old, married to my high school sweetheart, and just had our first baby 2 months ago. I think the beauty of living during this time period is that you can be an independent person while also having strong family values. Working from home, taking extra online courses for my undergrad degree so I could finish my bachelor’s a year early, and doing my graduate degree hybrid as well all allowed me to reach my personal goals while also starting my family at a younger age. I think just keeping in mind that we should support all women’s goals and aspirations is really important. There’s no real “right way” to go about life, it should all be at our own pace.
I have three little kids and work part time and it's those three days working outside the house that keep me sane. 😂
Yeah honestly I love working part time...best of both worlds! If it was all or nothing I'd lose my MIND
@@melaniemurphyofficial Absolutely. Makes you appreciate both worlds way more.
I can't stress enough how important this video is. Well done dear Melanie.
I don't feel the longing to be a "trad wife" at all, because I value my independence. But I have a strong desire for a simpler life. Stress less, spend more time with my loved ones, to grow my own food and to be out in nature more often.
I think this is the first time I've listened to a critique on "trad wives" that I actually agree with! The trad wife esthetic is based more on 1950s trophy wives. ACTUAL traditional wives are the ones who are working alongside their husbands, who know how to get dirty and often don't have time to stop and pretty themselves up when their husband is on his way home. I'm a farmer, my husband gets home from his day job at about 3. If I went and did my hair and makeup for when he got home, it would all be ruined in under an hour because I still have work to do, often outside.
On trad wives protecting themselves, incase they suddenly can't rely on their partners income. Let's assume the husband doesn't divorce them... why have I never seen any of them acknowledge how they'll keep their kids alive if the husband dies? Or if he gets severely injured or ill and can't work anymore? Does his retirement plan have his wife written into it? Does he have life insurance and what does she get from it? Depending on the country, what benefits/support could he access if he can't work anymore and is it enough to cover the entire household? Alternatively, what if she suddenly dies or becomes severely ill/disabled? Who's doing the childcare and housework? Will husband have to pay for childcare and will he have enough, because childcare is fucking expensive and it could be more than his deceased wife's allowance and likely won't cover 5am - nighttime 7 days a week unless he finds a miracle nanny. Especially since so many of these trad wife influencers are American, as someone in the UK where we have the NHS (thank god) I can't fathom how none of them acknowledge what happens if either parent or, god forbid, one of the children needs expensive health care or long-term ongoing treatment like if someone gets cancer and needs several rounds of chemo. If a single income household large enough to support these kind of unpredictable, uncontrollable worst-case scenarios? Because if yes, that's a HUGE financial privilege not available to most. If no, they are not being mature, responsible adults or parents. Have the hard conversations, talk about the ugly stuff. Talking about death isn't ever worse than never talking about it before you lose that person- in fact, planning it out way ahead of time will make your worse nightmare that much easier ❤
I've been wondering about this too!
They certainly are not mature (Because no older woman is doing that, isn't that suspicious? Maybe the lifestyle doesn't set you up for long term happiness after all), it all seems very performative and aimed at someone's gaze for approval, clicks, accolades. They are just cosplayers playing out nostalgic aesthetic fantasies that historically never were (women worked their butts off, just never got acknowledged or paid for it, ironic how this modern social media tradwife "revival" is all about fabricated soft life for clicks and money, wonder if they would be as eager to portray it with no pay or attention, no alternative, dealing with all kinds of nasty bodily fluids of kids and farm animals daily from dawn till dusk, doing demanding physical labor that makes fancy haircuts, skimpy dresses, heels and makeup become such a nuisance and time waste).
Also kind of surprised men are getting behind this, while decorative adoring slave is a common self-admitted fantasy and even expectation of theirs, do they not think only a handful would be able to afford this lifestyle? Wife being personal performer and chef, maybe even full-time nanny without any income? And what about their family security and kids' future in case one of them perishes, do they give a crap about that? Doesn't seem so. They seem to think everyone will get a government mandated replaceable (men are 6 times more likely to leave terminally ill partner) house fairy for free. Ridiculous and unrealistic.
To me it seems that men are women are just tired of the rat race, food cost and pitiful quality, disconnect from nature, billionaires raking all the profits and others not being able to afford anything. Men want the unconditional loving mommies that won't run away if they suck and their crown-for-existing, while women want a slower life, better food and bigger, prettier spaces to live in.
Have a blessed day & blessed comment section 🥰
My partner had a stay at home dad. I’m now a SAHM. My grandma was a SAHM sometimes and worked when it suited her. My mother got cancer and couldn’t work. It’s all just division of labour at the end of the day. Most of us will never run a youtube channel or become a CEO. Split the work up in a way that is fair and makes sense for your situation and makes life most enjoyable or tolerable. Ignore the overly opinionated critics and make sure you have safety and backup regardless of how you split the bills. It’s really that simple.
Feminism wasn’t forcing women in to corporate roles. It was meant to give women the option
Thank you for pointing this out
You’ve definitely got your personal colour palette down perfectly!!!
I almost gave this dress away and Thomas convinced me not to! Glad I kept her! She's a beaut!
I love this video so much! Thank you for making it! I am a full time mom at home. Left my job as a children’s mental health therapist with young adolescents because I knew the right thing was to be present raising my own child, and the cost of childcare is ridiculous on top of that! It’s hard and often lonely, and I feel the weight of the invisible load often. At the same time, being with my toddler everyday is the more rewarding than any paycheck has ever been. Women need choices and not to be stuffed into “roles”.
I'll never understand how these women don't understand that by making a living via content creation and putting out this 'anti-feminist' content, they're engaging with feminism by actively benefitting from it!
I don't think encouraging women to work is exclusively to avoid separation hardships, but it's to have freedom in the relationship itself. More often than not, women and stay at home moms are kept completely in the dark when it comes to financial situations of the family, and that's dangerous, extremely dangerous.
A woman having a traditional job isn't the ONLY OPTION that should be entertained...a woman in my opinion should have full equal access to the family income as brought home by her partner, OR she should be supported by the taxpayer while her children are small and while they are her full time job (but that's a very complicated debate!)
Yes I also had a lot of appreciation about that movement or esthetics, as you said. I always adored my mom who had great education, had 3 jobs at one point and gave it all up until I was 3,5 years old. Because Dad told her that he “didn’t like that she was not home that often”, and when I was 3,5 he said “oh and now you are too much spending at home“ and she with all her education and career before just as easily were able to get her job back, even with me went to work abroad to Japan for some time and very very successful and still is. But it was a good lesson for us all because 15 years later my Dad lost a job and my was able to give me education and the finished paying mortgage thanks to her salary. And she cleaned cooked and did a most of house chores. So girls, please study and learn something that can earn you money.
As a 28yo woman I think a lot about kids recently. But it scares me a lot - this economical instability, amount of work that society doesn´t recognize. I would feel so much more secure if every mother had an unemployment payment every month (it could be called differently but whatever) until she can go to work, the sum increasing proportionally depending on kids amount, even if she had working husband. We make humans, future taxpayers and workers. It must be recognized as an important mission, and we deserve to feel completely secure and not depend on a husband or other relatives.
You sure don't make enough kids to maintain the population, which causes economic instability.
You basically exposed my own opinion on all this, but in a more eloquent way!
I really admire the women who have the means and will to be housewives, but it comes with way more risks than it looks on the surface.
My stepfather passed away suddenly in the 90's....guess what my mother had always done and HAD to do after he died??WORK. Luckily she was educated before having children.
I would never leave it all up to the MAN....my Stepfather was a good man, husband, and human being. He had a beautiful smile..He's gone...and my mother had to take all four of us and raise us alone.
I nannied for a SAHW with 3 boys. She hadn't worked in almost 7 years. Ask me how hard it was for her to get back into the workforce.
I was still job hunting when I married my husband. Fortunately, he earned enough for us to get by. Even with applying for jobs and doing a udemy course, alongside cleaning and learning to cook, it was boring and isolating to spend all day at home.
My one note on the video, I'd suggest blurring the faces of the kids on the tik toks just like you do your own. I love your perspective and your videos, just something you may want to consider doing in the future to not promulgating the kids faces like their parents did.
You're right! I often do this on Instagram if I share a reel with a child's face, I never made a note in my editing document to go back and do this (the panic about videos of my own children being included admittedly wasn't there) but yeah, in future I'll do this! xxx
I stay at home, my husband works making a large majority of the money- what actually supports us. I work a very part time job at home, homeschool our child and tend to errands etc. He says he would have to have a place to live, bills to pay etc regardless and so has never made me feel like him earning the money is a burden to him- never treats it like a power thing. We would both prefer that our child is homeschooled, that one of us has time to tend to the house & errands. He recognizes and respects what I do as an equal or more important contribution to the family. We both realize that we both have good days and bad days whether at home or working outside of the home... The things I do like making meals or baking are done out of appreciation for what he does and respect for him. He doesn't expect that the house is spotless, meals are always made fresh from scratch or any of that nonsense
theres a SAHM/RUclipsr ive followed since before i was pregnant with my first. shes hopped on the trad wife trend. only wears dresses now etc. has to make sourdough... but obviously gets sponsorships and thats how she can afford their lifestyle. from her content creation NOT just from her husbands career.
anyway she had the audacity to post a reel where she was dancing around and gardening in a $600 dress saying it was the perfect dress for SAHMs and she rightly got ROASTED in the comments. these people are so out of touch
i have nothing against real homesteading traditional wives. what i hate is the fakery. the trend of attempting to glamorize and monetize other moms daily lives but make it unattainable and fake
I have lived both lives.. I can tell you from experience... Being a stay home mom is the toughest job one will ever have in their lives! Rewarding, yes, but stressful. I had the opportunity to go to college and work part time after the military. It was a nice break to sit in a class for an hour without kids, or a husband, wanting to be waited on... Also.... If no one is in the house to mess it up, then it stays clean!! My grandmother was superwoman! She held a 40 hr week job. cooked, cleaned, watched us grandkids on the weekends and baked bread every Saturday. I had no idea how women of her generation did this? My counselor told me... "prescription speed!" Just like in Pink's video for "Beautiful Trauma."
Why do my favorite RUclipsrs accept sponsorships from better help? They must pay very well, because pretty much everyone is aware how awful and unethical they are as a company.
It's a fantastic and important service. I've talked to my therapist multiple times a week for years so it's a super easy sell for me as it's something I actually pay for myself. What about them and how they currently operate is unethical? I'd be happy to chat!
@@melaniemurphyofficial You should read what Mickey Atkins says about Better help!
@@melaniemurphyofficialthey are currently being sued in the US because they sold customer's data (like their information about why they were seeking therapy - very private and sensitive stuff) to Facebook and other companies.
@@melaniemurphyofficialanecdotally, I've also spoken to multiple friends about their experiences of being ghosted by therapists or therapists who act unprofessionally in sessions. I don't think they have very high standards for the service they deliver. I wouldn't touch them with a bargepole, personally.
@@melaniemurphyofficial I have actually used the service myself so no judgement, but they have just lost a significant court case for selling customer data (illegally and unethically) and did their damn best to keep it quiet. I only became aware when I received an email from PayPal saying I had been awarded USD 10 in the settlement.
There is a also a lot of debate about whether some of the services they offer - the chat functionality for example are good for clients (not a crisis line so the idea you can contact your therapist 24/7 is seen by many as not a good thing) or for therapists (unhealthy work practices and boundaries).
I don’t have the technical expertise to comment on the latter but the data stuff is super worrying. Especially with such a large company that can essentially pay a settlement, act contrite, and go on and do it again. Because they can afford to absorb the consequences.
The thing that gets me about "trad wives" is that they are literally telling you to stay at home while they are at THEIR OWN JOBS! That, the attempt to fundamentally misunderstand feminism, and the concept of shame mongering--"if you don't make your cereal from scratch you're a bad mom"--creates a really questionable picture to me.
I didn't even know the term tradwife before this video, cause I've never encountered this type of content and this trend on my side of the internet. Not sure it's something I wanted to know, but mad respect for this video, Mel!
I’m willing to bet that at least half of these trad wife influencers are making just as much or more than their husbands. It’s super misleading to tell women to stay home/not earn money while they themselves are earning money.
I think my issue with the trad-wife movement is that a lot of the bits of it that go viral (which admittedly, I feel like is rage bait to some degree) seems to be an almost wilful misunderstanding of feminism. I dislike the 2010's girlboss feminism and the attitude it promotes but the overall point is that you have the CHOICE to work should you want to. The only reason they get to frame their lifestyle as a choice at all is because of feminism. I feel like the main gripe of people drawn towards this lifestyle is CaPiTalIsM (kind of a dreaded buzzword now but it's true). Like... you know what would enable people to have less work driven and family oriented lives? Universal Basic Income, if our taxes actually went towards social welfare programs. Maybe if people were talking more about things that would make this apparently preferable and idyllic life achievable for more people it wouldn't be so irksome. It's definitely true that just seeing someone essentially play pretend on an app is pointless to get upset over but there can sometimes be a air of classism to the whole thing. But I guess if it was being practical and discussing messy topics like systemic change it wouldn't be viral so hey ho!
There's no way to make that work with a falling birthrate. An aging population is a shrinking tax base. In a generation it's gonna be hard to make things work as it is.
@@AAKing-d8b Sure, but that's why immigration is a good thing. But that doesn't seem to be a conversation that people want to have. Also it's not necessarily about taxing the individual. Corporations dodge an eye watering amount in taxes all of the time. Getting rid of those loopholes alone could generate a huge amount of income
@@Knoxly554 80% of countries in the world have subreplacement population growth right now and it's only getting worse. Immigration can't solve this problem.
Thank you for this great video! Just wanted to add that many researchers have also covered that the rise of the tradwives is heavily linked to the rise of the far right and conservative political views and the anti-feminist backlash that has been having real consequences on women/gender minorities!
I don't have tiktok and I've only just rejoined instagram so I've been able to ignore this relatively successfully up until now! So important that you emphasised that tradwife influencers do work - we need to differentiate between tradwives workng as one-person media companies - and those who are pursuing that life with zero social media following.
I do definitely think it's important to have a plan to fall back on in case things don't work out. I'd rather my daughter have a back-up plan and not need it than the other way round. My dad died when I was 8 so that influences my perspective a bit!
Italian here. Italians buy pasta in a box. The times you do make pasta is usually on a special occasion.
I have so much to say about this topic, but basically, I agree with everything you just said.
Also, thanks for the song "mother's little helper". It is super interesting, I'll be going on a rabbit hole of my own to see how valium was used by these trad wives back in the day, and how it was advertised as a coping mechanism to cope with societal and life back then.
I think having and earning your own money is super important as a woman. If I want to buy x/y/z I want to have the liberty to choose, even if it's a mistake, it's my mistake.
the post-trad wife stories made me sad, but i really appreciated including them. I think these things can happen even after youve had marriage talks
I feel like the universe is playing games with me right now...i have these kind of thoughts all the time in my head...you somehow managed to Express them in the most beautiful way!
Thank you for using your time to do this! ❤
I have a couple of "hot takes" from this. I'm an ex traditional wife and mother who worked exceptionally hard when the kids were younger to educate myself and then I started a business when they got older. I now teach people about healing and empowerment along side my original business. We have to understand that these "trends" are not reality. They are, or at least should be for entertainment purposes only. We can't compare ourselves to what we see on social media. At best, they're snapshots of people's lives, and more often than not, they're advertisements. The issue with social media is that people compare themselves to what they see, and then believe that they are failing or somehow less than. We shouldn't head into partnership with the mindset of "when it ends". But, we also shouldn't be giving up such huge parts of ourselves that we don't have a way of standing on our own, if life comes to that. The biggest thing I would suggest to young people (and I have raised 3), is that if you're close enough to a person to think about sharing your lives and bringing new life into this world, then you need to be open to having the conversations about building a life that is rewarding and sustainable for the both of you, in all circumstances.
This is a great topic especially for you to cover, cause I'm sure more then a few times someone who doesn't follow you has stumbled upon your content and assumed you were a Trad Wife, since your content is (slightly) Trad Wife adjacent. I personally follow a few trad wife cretors, because I strive to have a more traditional relationship in the future, but A. the ones I follow mostly do discuss the harder aspects, it just depends how intently you follow them B. I educated myself via the internet and my own life expriences as well as family experiences before I considered that something I wanted to presue and know more about, C. I do sometimes see content even from creators I like that is not how I would do it and not how I would encourage others to either, but it is their lives so I leave it at that. There is a danger in the allure of this content, but I feel the most important thing is that people talk more openly about the challenges and pitfalls that can happen. Many "mom content" creators share the reality's and a handful of Trad Wives do to, it is all about finding the right "influencers" to make your view well rounded, that can be challenging with how social media is designed but if you are willing to put in the work it can be done. More conversations on all ends are always better!
I love this take! I adore the cottage-core, homestead type aesthetic, but am well aware of how unrealistic so much of it is! I also made a point when I was deciding what to do after university of looking at careers that would offer me flexibility in the future when I decided to have children. I ultimately decided to become a swimming teacher, in part because it gives me the opportunity to work short, flexible shifts that I could work around my husband’s future career plans and my future children, whilst also allowing me to do something I absolutely love! But when I told my friends and my Mum that part of my thinking, they were scandalised, as if I shouldn’t be considering what I KNOW I want my future to be when I’m only in my early 20s! Yet if I hadn’t, and then had got to the point of having children and realised I had to choose between raising them and having a career, they would have been equally stumped! I don’t think there is anything wrong with shaping your life in your 20s to accommodate your future dreams, but there is such a push to be super high-flying and have an amazing career (which I do! I love every day I go in to work, which is more than a lot of people can say!), and not mention wanting to raise children in case you’re seen as a ‘bad feminist’, despite the fact that feminism is about CHOICE, and this is my CHOICE! Agh, I get so passionate about this 😂. Great video as always Melanie! 💚
I love this video and I appreciate how you didn't shame the homemaker lifestyle! Many takes on Trad Wives quickly show creators' biases towards being a homemaker. It's hard to watch and respect their take. I grew up with a mom who had to work at times but she was a homemaker most of the time. She was so passionate about keeping a home for me and my dad. I saw her show real skill and passion for this type of work, so I respect being a homemaker or stay-at-home mom like I would appreciate someone with an office job. I'm not saying you have to be perfect to be a stay-at-home mom, my mom definitely was wearing pajamas cleaning and we didn't have candle light dinners all the time, but if she had the energy she would try to make everything look grand. That's what she wanted to do. My dad also cooked and would make things from scratch, and I saw her look tired and stressed taking care of us at home but I know she loved doing it. I appreciate how real you were about this topic, but you don't shame it as a lifestyle.
Excellent video!! Have really struggled seeing all that tradwife content aghh. Great insight and balance to this video, love how you always facilitate a well rounded discussion and acknowledge the massive *context* around it all ❤️
When I see that content all I see is "my family is rich enough that I don't have to worry about work, and I can cosplay and pursue my interests instead." Not judging, that sounds great 😂 I wish we could all afford that
I grew up and raised kids in an era where domesticity was not supported or encouraged unless you were very wealthy. I would have loved to have someone to say “making a home is a worthy pursuit.” And it wasn’t a soft, easy life. You’re basically doing the work you’d be paying someone else to do. This was a great video looking at it from all sides and I would agree we need to get off women’s cases and just let them be, career or home focused. We really can mind our own business.
ok but can we talk about the RESEARCH in this video?! Hi teacher Mel! love it
Hehe, HEY HEY!
I'm the girl in the thumbnail in the yellow dress! And I can PROMISE you, we're nowhere near rich, I don't have unseen childcare, and I've quite literally only made $26 from tiktok. I agree that some influencers DO make more money, have childcare, whatever. But the generalization is wrong. We live in a small home and my husband makes $50k a year. I get maybe one night of babysitting for my kids a month. Love most of this video, but I just wanted to point that out! 🌸
Great video, I love how you put conplicated thoughtful arguments into such heartwarming anti hostile words
Living in the online world created by random individuals is not healthy in the first place.
We should focus more on what is happening in the real world, check out how real women live and not obsessing over 20second videos that are aesthetically staged in order to boost public engagement (love or hate) and to generate revenue.
Traditional wives should be loving, caring and protective of their family. Traditional husbands should be loving, caring and protective of their family.
Melanie's making a very good point in that 50s women didn't enjoy doing the chores either. These are must do's in life.
So to me this kind of content is just useless and besides the point. Let's live in the real world!
Thank you, Melanie, for your insights!❤
I am staying at home mom, my husband is the only provider and we are not rich :) and I do not have any help but I couldn’t be more happy taking care of my kids at home, that is my job and I take it as serious, I work hard but is quite rewarding. I do also not look very fancy most of the days but everyday it gets easier and better as when you get better on your carrer and more experienced. With the years you get better at cooking, cleaning and helping your family so is not fake for all the moms you are mentioning. I think is a pleasure to be very good at your carrer (homemaker) and if this women work part time on whatever they are still staying at home. I for example baby sit dogs occasionally to bring extra dollars, but the important part is that you are there for your love ones.
As a long time stay at home mom, I love it, but it’s not without challenges, my husband has never tried to control me via money or anything else. I see it as a blessing I’ve been able to be the one who raised my kids. But it can be very monotonous cleaning the same thing saying the same things and cooking the same things. I will say it’s a lonely career to be a SAHM in my experience. No real adult conversation on the daily. But really it all comes down to what works for each family and what brings you joy.
Does he give you $?
👗🥞👶🏼 I’ve been curious to hear your perspective on this. Thank you for your balanced and nuanced take, as always!
I don’t have children but my job is very stressful so I actually enjoy watching those videos. I also had a job where I basically took care of the houses of elderly people from house to house. It was more like the simple life. Cleaning houses and gardening and having a chat with some tea. I actually get the simple life a lot more. Than working at some high traffic train station working for citizens who are most of the time moody and in a hurry 😂. But also acknowledging the history of the 1950 , like the problematic issues.
What I am trying to say is. Work today doesn’t pay enough to have a simple life at home. You almost have no time to be at home and enjoy the simple life because you need to have more and more money with every inflation that is going on. And with being short staffed you also have to do more work without being paid more.
Mel you are so wise you really do know everything 😂❤ xxxx
Literally every single person on this earth is different, therfore every child is different, every family is different.
If a person wishes and actively chooses to be a trad wife - makes a conscious effort every day to be that and follow that path and that is all they have ever wanted for themselves, it works for them and thier family - that so brilliant!
If someone finds themselves falling into a more trad wife role because of the way their family dynamic has just seemed to play out but it does work for you and your family and you are happy and content fulfilling that kind of role - that is also SO brilliant.
Every family is different- we shouldn't be judging each others family dynamic and the way each other choose to live their family life. Every single one of us just be out here trynna do what works for us.
Do what works, whatever that looks like for you and f*** everyone else 😘
The best and most levelled take I've heard on this app
I read all the comments about how you really shouldn't leave your job to look after your family because WHAT IF. And I do understand it, it's a valid thought but also, how much do you not trust your relationship? I'm looking after my baby at the moment and I am not sure if I will go back to work outside the home. But even if I don't, I do see it as a very privileged situation (my partner's income is high enough to support us) and as a temporary situation. I will go back to work at some point. I'll also add that my husband and I have a joint account for house expenses and then individual accounts for our own expenses. Maybe I live in a naive bubble, but how do people NOT talk about finances in their marriage?? Money is such a big part of life! It's like that girl that says you should worry when you're dating not when you're married. You definitely should talk about how you share/spend money on shared things before you're married. Do people agree??
Great points about families working together!
I want THAT trad wife life...would love to have a little cafe with my family and be together, bit of work here bit of parenting there...beautiful!
One of the reasons I love your content so much is because you show more “traditional” fem roles, and that is familiar to me. Stuck in the mundanity of life, it is nice to have a little inspiration from someone who is also at times stuck in that same place. And you give us a little inspiration to romanticize the little things.
I notice that you state “perceived decline of traditional family values”. Curious if you feel we overestimate a decline in this area?
1950’s woman was unhappy and wanted more. thank you for bringing this up!
My problem with the term "trad wife" is that it's used in alt right circles :/
It always has been
I'm a SAHM/HW, now that my toddler is almost in school ive started working part time. While theyre at preschool a couple of mornings. I have found that all of my family have been super supportive of my choice to stay home as long as possible for my baby. My career oriented self proclaimed feminist friends have actually been the most judgemental. Asking me things like "how do you do it, becuase my brain would just rot away," and "dont you care about your career?" "But youre so educated!" Etc etc. so so so many snarky, unkind comments. I may be a SAHM/HW but I also make sure to read, have hobbies and im lucky to have a husband who is a very involved dad. All these things make beibg a home maker, SAHM delightful. I honestly love it. Why does caring for your own children get such a bad rep? They dont disrespect (and shouldnt) the underpaid, hardworking childcare worker! So why is it ok when its a self contained labour for your own family. If women have no choice but to work to keep their families alive, i respect that. I can imagine how insanely hard it is to work and be a mother away from your babies. I dont judge working mums, that shit is hard!!!! I take ny hat off to them.
I have the mobility to move back into a career if i so wish, but im making a choice to invest in my family. On my deathbed my boss wont be standing there holding my hand saying how much he appreciated the extra hours I put in. Employers dont give a rats ass about you. No matter who you are, you're replaceable. A mother and father can never truly be replaced.
The thing with the trad wife movement that I take serious issue with is the encouragement to not bother with school, or higher education. YOUR KNOWLEDGE, EXPERIENCE AND EDUCATION IS SOMETHING NO ONE CAN TAKE FROM YOU. Dont encourage young women to have nothing for themselves. Its gross and short sighted. And to the feminists, having an education isnt squandered when you have kids, you can pass on knowledge, wisdom and teach!!!!
This is so true! I am also a sahm and now homeschooling. I hate when people ask if I am worried about my "resume gap" .....um no....I am super thankful to have this time with my children.
the tradwives setting people up for an abusive relationship where they are completely dependent on someone and only seen as valuable if their home is spotless is dangerous and irresponsible.
We should all have the CHOICE to do what we want, and live in a society that values and respects our choices.
I'm a stay at home mom because I want to but also out of necessity. We have 3 kids, 4 and under, and although I am a licensed teacher, if I went to pursue a career in teaching, my entire paycheck wouldn't even cover childcare so working would be pointless. Essentially, I would be paying to be away from my kids for no reason, especially since I'm not passionate about teaching anyway. We knew before having kids that we wanted one of us to stay home, so I did because I breastfeed and have the patience to be home with kids all day (hence why I thought I'd like teaching but unfortunately do not lol )
I’m of the opinion that both people in a marriage should practice the same things, know everything that needs to be done to earn money, take care of the house and of the kids. Because you never know what happens. What if one dies. The other one shouldn’t become half useless because of that.
I have been thinking about this for a while. I believe the term Trad wife refers to the relationship between husband & wife whereas a stay at home mom refers to the relationship between parent & child. Both depict a person raising children. However there is a differece and 9/10 the USA versions we see online are reglion based principals which can sometime feel behind the times when the focus is on the caring of husband over the caring of children.
I should say as a wife & mother I take care of my husband & my child and my husband takes care of me & our child. ❤
Look at you with your cute Snow White vibe. Love it.
I’m a SAHM. Always wanted that. Dated my husband for 7 years before getting married. He fully supports the decision and is a very driven person. He knows my work at home is priceless. I’m appreciated and loved. Our boys are his everything. We had a hefty savings before I quit. So I’m beyond confident in the decision. However, I am still aware that I’m screwed if I don’t figure out a way to work part time at some point. Not because my husband will leave me. But just in general. I need to develop a new skill in case of an emergency. But I will always stand by my decision and was willing to take the risk to be there every single day for my children. I could never justify working “in case” something happens. I’d rather be stuck bagging groceries at 50 and know that I got to do my most important work in the early days. To each their own though.
Also, I’m annoyed you’re in Ireland. That Jeff Bezos clip made me pee my pants. We would be BFFs. lol
I trust that the right thing will align for you at the right time! 💫 You are guided and protected. No need to worry at all 🕊️
Thank you for a great conversation on tradwives with a real feminist perspective. I loved it
Stephanie coontz wrote a book called” the way we never were 📚 “ looking at this whole nostalgia v reality thing. Oh and John Gillis “a world of their own making”. If anyone’s a reader 📖
Added to my Amazon saved for later cart! Thanks for the suggestions
Added this to my cart too thank you!
Love hearing that! Thanks ☺️
Mom married in 1978 because she desperately wanted this life
And she had odd jobs here and there but ultimately chose not to work
My father was incredibly abusive and used her as an emotional punching bag
He drank heavily and cheated on her
Now they’re in their 70s and live off his pension
He struts his stuff on the beach and calls all the ladies by the poolside his “girlfriends”
When I was a kid I begged my mom to leave him, but she always told me she couldn’t because of financial reasons
While I was growing up I vowed NEVER to let myself be HER
Got myself educated including my masters
I also learned a second language as an adult
Now I work for the government and I am the one banking in my pension plan
I pay my own bills and my plan is to strut my stuff in the beach when I’m in my 60s (I’m 45 now) and if I want a boyfriend- I will have that freedom
(Im just kidding about that last part - but hey - why not??)
👌 💪
I’m just here for the LIPSTICK and MAKEUP - please give us a list of what you use ( I want to buy it all ) 💃🏻
Lippie is Catrice Scandalous Matte Lipstick 090 Blame The Night I LOVE HER! Clear gloss by Rimmel over the top! The rest of my makeup is ALL Sculpted By Aimee apart from the highlight, which is 'flexitarian' by Colour Pop I've been using it years it's incredible!
Cosplaying as Betty Draper without understanding her struggle on "Mad Men" kills me.
I think it's really sad that these trends push people into feeling like a slow life or a focus on homemaking is necessarily conservative. My mom was a stay-at-home mom because she really wanted to take care of her children, and my parents felt like it was really important that we weren't raised by nannies our whole childhood. Even though this decision was eased by some structural concerns (my dad was more educated, was older and already had a fairly stable career when they got together), this never changed their dynamic - my mom was the person who managed most of the house's finances, and they always shared access to their bank account. They were also hardcore hippies who had an open marriage.
My mom was heavily judged by others though. Her friends and family, my dad's coworkers, my friends and their parents, always made snarky comments about how she was lazy because she didn't have a job. I heard time and time again my friends at school asking why my mom didn't do anything, while their moms did all the house chores on top of a fulltime job. At the time I felt embarassed, it took a long time until I was able to defend my parents and their decision. It's a real disservice both to women who stay at home and women who balance a 9-5 and housework, and it will continue to be an obstacle to true gender equality.
Super interesting, the thing is that there are so many trends out there, it's pure confusion due to the polarisation of opinions and short lifecycle's trends. However, your pop cult explanation on this one it's super well done. My grandmother was a trad wife (born in 1935 in the south of Italy) completely dependent on my grandfather. She always said to me to build up my own career. That should speak volume. On the other hand, if someone of the younger gens is into this lifestyle that is fine, but if it is just a cosplay for the gram or tt that is a bit sad, people should develop their identity aside those micro trends. Xo
They are selling the dream of being able to quit work because you are pretty. Being an actual housewife looks like hell, particularly in the kind of abusive relationship that nobody expects will happen to them.
My mom was a trad wife.... she was at my fathers whim, and it was enfuriating watch my mom never be able to rely on my dad for anything evn dangerous things at times. She never had her own money, never had her own car. On top of having to clean up after my dad who never cleaned up after himself. He's also a hoarder. He never helped with the house or with me and my brother. There were signs that he cheated on her various times.
I could never!
Now as a SAHM myself I am not letting slide any of the things my mom did and am going to have my own home job/ income as soon as I can. I will never be stuck and a pushover or a traditionalist just because thats the "right" thing to do. My mom never worked while being married even when we needed a second income. That will not be me.
I've worked while pregnant and now am just settling myself into my new home to eventually start making content too. I will not be a helpless individual and I will not teach my daughters to be that way either.
Great video :) I totally agree with you.
I also just wanted to say I love your make-up (I don't wear make-up much at all but I love this look and would like to try it one day.) and I really love the shirt or dress you're wearing. I'd love to know where you got it. The neckline and colour are beautiful and suit you really well.
I very much agree here. I think if this is what women choose for themselves then great. And I love the shift towards motherhood more and appreciating that, even though for a lot of people it's not attainable to stay home.
However for someone that experienced financial and emotional abuse, I could never be someone like that. I was on maternity leave for 9 months and then a year later spent 6 months unemployed thinking we could survive on my partners money. Which technically we could have. But I never had access to any money or any say in anything. I never had any new clothes even when I needed them, had to do the weeks shop for under £30 meanwhile he was buying expensive trainers and watches. If I asked for more money I was ridiculed and criticised for overspending. If the house wasn't spotless when he got home from work he would shout and say mean things to me. And when I wanted to leave that relationship I had nothing. No money, no car and no way of surviving on my own. I decided to go back to work, despite his objections and then eventually built up enough of my own money to leave. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship for decades with no work history or anything and then having to start again. As much as nobody wants to plan for divorce, I think it's very risky to not have a back up plan.
Just wanted you to know i read If Only yesterday and Im going to start Glass Houses today!! ❤
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH...this made my day! My book babies! xxx
Dudes, Dudettes, there are two kinds of husbands and wives--you either work IN or you work OUT. It doesn't matter if you are a man or a woman. A man who works IN, is a man that works for himself. A woman who works in is a woman who works for herself. A housewife (or a houseman) may not get paid but if she (or he) did, the hourly wage currently is about $40/hr, also keep in mind that these "content creators" are earning what is called money. Now, if you work OUT, what that means is that you are not your own boss, somebody else is your boss. A farmer (whether man or woman) works IN. A supervisor or a regular worker at a big company works OUT.
I just found your channel and let me say, that its refreshing how smart you are and how much i can get behind the things you say :)
This is such a great grounding video. Thank you Melanie ❤
I personally think that women have every right to experience feminity without being submissive. You can be a homemaker by all means, but also have some means of earning if possible by your side, because you never know what happens to your partner and you need financial aid.
I have an issue with the glorification of trad wife life. And the whole religious aspect that most of them seem to push. No issues at all with the cute videos about domesticity.
I am a med student and my oarner is already out of school and works as an engineer in an IT firm. He makes a lot more money than i do (i do keep a part time teaching job), so i get money from him. He expressed multiple times, that him being the primary breadwinner does not make me the housewife. I do cook and clean, but its just the amount i would if i lived alone and he helps with nightly cleaning every single day. I feel like these trad wives can forget that a woman can rely on her partner while also pursuing something of her own. She doesnt have to be home maker just because she isnt making the same amount of money. And even as a mum, im sure you can still keep some hobbies and have an outside life. Its really important for people to do somethign that makes sense to them.