Please be careful, Dr. Jenkins and others who interact with those with SM, with your definitions and descriptions. SM is an anxiety disorder that is largely genetic -- it is NOT developed by some "trauma trigger" and it is NOT a child willfully refusing to speak. My daughter is one of thousands who claims she wants so, so desperately to talk, but the anxiety literally shuts her down. It is a chemical reaction in the brain and not something she can control. Of course I believe she has the power to choose to make small brave steps towards communication and eventually speech, but trying to force or bribe a child to speak in the way you've described can actually be harmful to their progress and even their emotional state. You do offer some sound tips in saying we need to offer them opportunities to face their fears, we should tone down our reactions, etc. but the examples given here likely only work for those with mild SM. My daughter would literally starve to death before being able to order her own food. She would bleed to death before telling someone she's injured. Her anxiety is that severe! It is crazy. So no, I do not believe she sees this as "avoidance that paid off" or that she "knows this is working for (her)." For those looking for reliable, research-based information on Selective Mutism, please start with selectivemutism.org, childmind.org, or selectivemutismcenter.org. I do appreciate what you are trying to do, Dr. Jenkins, but prefacing your video with an admission you "kind of accidentally fell into an area of expertise I didn't expect" and following it up with misinformation and misconceptions doesn't convince me you really know what you're dealing with here.
Amy Jones I have it too everyone always tells me too talk it makes it worse and it makes me cry I’m exactly the same as your daughter I’m 11i never speak at school or with some people I’m not happy I want to talk but it just stops me I just can’t and it makes me cry I don’t want this😭😭😭😭😭
patatoes;3 4life I’m 18, just got diagnosed last year and I wouldn’t talk to teachers in school and I would only whisper to my friends around my teachers. I hope you can get through your anxiety. I know it’s tough but you just have to stay positive and keep pushing yourself every day.
I was a child with selective mutism and its true that everyone making such a big deal about when I spoke freaked me out so badly. There were many times I did want to say something but I wouldn't for that very reason. I would even cry when my family sang me happy birthday. Here I am today a 42-year-old woman who overcame it and now I have a 10-year-old son who struggles with selective mutism but he is getting over it too. It's 100% anxiety driven. Great video!
I would ask that parents who believe their child has selective mutism find a different video to watch. Describing selective mutism as a 'choice' is very misleading and unhelpful for both the person suffering from it and for those around them who wish to help and are struggling to understand it. My personal belief is that selective mutism IS an anxiety response in the brain which prevents speech. What it absolutely ISN'T, is somebody refusing to speak out of shyness or rudeness. I have at times been desperate to speak but felt physically incapable of doing so. To my knowledge, the science of the brain is still little understood however, progress is being made here all the time. I'm confident that in some years time there will be more understanding and awareness of this subject, what brain chemicals etc. create the problem and therefore how to remedy it. In the meantime may I suggest that we celebrate the strengths that selective mutes offer to society. I would guess that selective mutes are probably better listeners than most and may be very sensitive of other peoples' awkwardness in social situations. They must also be among the most strong and resilient of people because dealing with this problem on a daily basis is surely tiring and esteem sapping. Please note that I do not pretend to be an expert on the subject of selective mutism and can only speak of my own experience with it.
I love your passion and call to action for greater understanding - thank you so much for your engagement with this issue and on behalf of those who suffer. DrPaul
I didn't like it that he described it by saying that we choose not to speak that actually made me cry. I actually build up a whole conversation in my head about what i would say if they said something to me (they never talk to me because EVERYONE says that 'I don't speak' but *I DO* and I'm actually the loudest person in my math class (sorry to my math teacher 😂) and I enjoy speaking to others but they don't speak to me and i can't start conversations and I can't speak in large groups Thank you if you read this💖
Niamh McInnes you said that you don’t know how to start a conversation, out of curiosity, have you looked up some basic conversation starters and things like that? Where you are comfortable with speaking and talking you could ask them for some good conversation starters too. And if you have trouble with social cues (idk if you do it not but just in case) then you could learn about social cues too.
I am in my 50's now but as a child I had some form of selective mutism.. although they didn't refer to it as that back in my school days. I always hated other classmates and teachers who attempted to "help" me speak. It just made my anxiety so much worse and made me feel just awful. I always hated when my quietness was noticed and announced in public. So many times I heard.. oh.. you are so quiet.. do you speak? My school years were really miserable because of it. Its good to see there are people who actually understand it now and help children to overcome it in a healthy way.. I sure wish I had that kind of help back then.
What I learned is: There isn't anything wrong with silence. It is peaceful. Yet people fear it, but if you have something to say, then don't be afraid to say it.
I agree being forced makes it worse because the reason why selective mutism struggles to communicate with unfamiliar situation or people, they actually go into fight or flight mode, where they aren’t processing . This can make it alot worse and this never works for me. It makes it worse.
Totally agree. My son has Selective Mutism. He’s in 2nd grade. I feel there’s a genetic component. My brother had it too. Many in our family struggle with either anxiety or depression. My brother slowly got over it. In jr high and high school he was fine. Never super talkative. He’s no 30 and totally functional. He just got out of the Army not long ago and is an electrical engineer. Hoping my son gets over it soon. Its been hard on him, me and his teacher. My son is quite bright and knows computers and technology and speaks very well everywhere else except school.
Mommies Media, your son is lucky to have you for his mom, someone who understands him and will be with him through the journey. Thank you for watching.
I nearly didn't watch this video, until watching my kids interact in public I realized that they both do this. Boy have I got my work cut out for me. Thank you so much for the practical (and sometimes difficult) advise.
I have selective mutism and I agree that we don't choose not to talk. I think it's a processing issue. There is is a low threshold for emotional stimulation and it's hard to process what to say and the emotions at the same time. At least that's what my case seems like.
Kids with SM do NOT choose to not talk. It is an anxiety disorder on a continuum. It is largely genetic and present from infancy. It is NOT a traumatic response, from poor parenting or any other single reason that "triggers" the experience.
Sorry, me again. Having calmed down a little, I can acknowledge that there are many helpful things to try in this video. However, I still feel that the video comes at selective mutism from a 'spoilt/silly child' angle and lacks any kind of empathy or understanding of why selective mutes behave the way they do. Like many mental/brain health issues selective mutism is treated so differently from any physical ailment. Of course , you don't clap, cheer and congratulate someone for overcoming their speech problems in the same way that you don't whoop and cheer when they go to a chemist and take antibiotics and overcome the flu - it would be patronising and implies that they're choosing to do 'better'. When you say that selective mutes are usually quite bright, I think you may be right and when you use bribery to get them to speak, it is seen through, and may have the opposite effect from that which you intend ie. anxiety breeds a need to experience control and a stubborn refusal to meet your expectations may set in as a result. I wonder whether, as a parent, just talking with your selective mute child about what you're going to do as a parent (ie. not get the ice cream unless they order it) and why might be better than what appears in the video to be an unsubtle manipulation that parents and doctors/therapists can giggle over! Again, I acknowledge the practical ideas in the video as very useful and am just asking that the subject be treated with a less trivial delivery. In directing the video towards people who want to help selective mutes, I think more care should be given to the needs and feelings of the selective mute. I applaud all wishes to help, but a more sensitive understanding of selective mutism needs to be demonstrated first.
as a server, I feel sooooo bad for the child. And I feel uncomfortable in that situation. It all depends on the energy of the parent in this process. When the parent is demanding, i see the kid become more anxious. Every child has different needs. People that experience selective mutism are very sensitive. I now understand why parents do this at restaurants now. Thank you for the new perspective. I experienced this myself and occasionally in adulthood in extremely stressful situations. I actually became a server to help myself get over this. I knew practice would help me in other situations and I am too much of a perfectionist to not try my best in my job. As a person that experienced selective mutism and works with children this is an awesome video!
I had severe SM and beat it at age 13 on my own. Everything this guy describes about selective mutism is absolutely correct from my experience. The only critique I have is that some people with SM, including myself, were so stubborn that any amount of coercion would be in vain I think. I suppose I might have cracked if I was pressed regularly, particularly as a young child, the way the presenter describes. However, all the conversation and interventions I received did not sway me in the slightest. My SM definitely felt involuntary, but I did eventually beat it-so it can’t be 100% involuntary. It took a lot of courage and I went for very small goals at first and now I’m as recovered as a person can be I think.
Just found this looking for help with my teen daughter who's only just been diagnosed with SM. I was a little disappointed with the definition of SM being a childs CHOICE to not speak. My daughter is pained that she 'can't ' speak in certain situations. She wants to desperately but just can't. It's not by choice at all, and no amount of persuasion or force will make it happen. If anything it would make it worse.
Dr Paul, my 7 yr old daughter says that the only thought that goes on in her mind when someone approaches her wit a question is that, how wil the other person react/ respond to her...she tunes into the other person wondering what they are expecting from her, what they might be thinking, mosy importantly how surprised they might get to hear her answer them...so if shes answering a complete stranger the anxiety is lesser compared to a known person to whom she has not answered earlier...my daughter is otherwise v bold, positive and confident person...but, she just cant get over these thoughts which envelop her when she has to speak...anticipation of other persons reaction (expecting that the other person might get surprised) is the only thing that stops her from speaking... pleaaaase can you make a video which we can show to kids with selective mutism (something which involves role plays etc as you are so good at expressions and immitating others)..a video which my kid can relate to and watch and give her some tips to handle other persons reactions and continue the conversation despite the reaction ( as we cannot control the world/ others emotions, it is best if she learns what to do when she gets these thoughts)..
Great suggestion shreya bhat - I will put together some thoughts for that. Here's another example of a video I did just for kids - your daughter might get some ideas from that too. Thanks for watching! DrPaul ruclips.net/video/v-o7L_Mwbgw/видео.html
As an anxiety disorder it is not willful. These children are stuck and would love nothing more than to be as “normal” as everyone else. Please look into revising your findings on this area prior to posting this kind of video by getting in touch with the Smart Center in Pennsylvania or NYU.
If I wait for my kid to order she would starve. This video might work for some. However, this video doesn't work for all. I do however appreciate the attempt to provide information.
Recent studies show many of these kids suffer from hyperacousia, as did mine who had super grades but suffered a lot at school. Accomodations may need to be made, ie. quiet time, earplugs in noisy spaces if desired and discussion with the teacher. These kids may be literally traumatised by their own voices since their brains can’t filter sound normally, and have much difficulty hearing conversation in noisy settings which can effect social development at school. These kids require understanding.
I feel there are a few good and bad points in this video...First, it isn't a choice. At all. You mentioned the Fight or Flight responses but didn't consider the third, Freeze. I believe Selective Mutism comes from the Freeze response. When the anxiety is so intense a persons body literally freezes. A child (or adult) with selective mutism, physically can't talk so please don't say it's a choice. Secondly, your whole attitude about it...you came across as very patronising. The whole ice cream thing doesn't sit well with me either...I'm sure it could work for some children but I fear it could have the opposite effect on others. I think my Selective Mutsim came from an intense fear of getting things wrong. If my mum had tried this out I would have felt an enormous sense of frustration at being unable to communicate what I wanted. But instead of working harder to overcome it, I likely would have withdrawn myself further, seeing it as a failure. Remember, Selective Mutism isn't a choice. The words I want to say are right there in my head but the anxiety is so intense they physically won't come out. You not letting a child choose their own ice cream because of this seems more like a punishment. I feel a better way to tackle Selective mutsim is to reduce the anxiety and pressure to speak. Start small. Maybe encourage your child to talk to you in places they don't usually talk. Play word games and slowly bring in a friend. I did see a couple of good points though. Especially the whole not making a big deal out of it part. This is very true. I remember getting very tense when I was able to talk and the people around me would act shocked and surprised. A little well done to reinforce that I did a good job was all it took for me to feel proud or my achievement. Like you said, practice is very important too. Small steps and don't rush. I think it's also true about it becoming a habit. It needs to be sorted out quickly because it can easily remain a problem growing up into an adult. I never had help as a child and I still struggle now as a 27 year old adult.
I don’t like the way selective mutism is described. Selective implying I’m able to talk when I want to. The reality for me growing up was that I desperately wanted to talk but was literally unable to.
Ph. D. or not, the facts are not all straight here. To begin with, "selective" does NOT mean "when I want to." It means "in specific situations." The name was changed years ago from "elective mutism" specifically because it was found not to be a choice of when the sufferer wanted to speak. Think of the term "selective herbicide." It's an herbicide that kills some plants but not others (for example, broadleaf plants but not grasses). Neither the herbicide or the plant is making a conscious choice. The word "selective" is being used in the same sense with selective mutism. It kills the person's ability to speak in some environments but not others. The name is not intended to imply that the person with SM can pick and choose when the disorder interferes with his or her life.
I think his advice are pretty useful. You have to motivate the child to overcome this fear. He also says that the child does not enjoy not being able to talk so the parent has to help... not dealing with it and just accepting it and saying he /she will grow out of it will result in those adults who are commenting below at age 20 or 30 that they have had this condition for theire life.. I am sure they did not enjoy it. They are probably be able to live with it. And yes they may be smarter , because no enery is going away for speaking.
Zs Zs, what I have in the video is what I has been my professional experience of working with this concern and how I might help those affected. Thank you for commenting.
I have selective mutism and I choose to talk but I feel scared for some reason. I know they wouldn't hurt me. I used to be in a small school before when I was kinder, when I grew to grade 1 that's when it hit me. The new school was so big and i was so scared I won't know where my classroom is and I won't have friends. So I moved to a smaller school and nothing has seemed to change I made a story for my class because i wanted to be normal so i spent all weekend making it. When i had to read it in front of the class i just felt frozen and could not do anything. My body couldn't move I was so scared I ran away.
I know that there are plenty of other comments that are similar to what I’m about to say, but this video really upset me on a personal level. I do believe that there are some good tips in here, but a lot of the things that you are saying can be detrimental in helping a child through selective mutism. One of the most harmful is the way you defined it “Sometimes I don’t want to speak” as someone with experience working with children who struggle with selective mutism, you should know how problematic it is to misinform parents who don’t know how to help their children. The official definition is: A childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child's INABILITY to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings. You minimizing the shear terror involved does absolutely nothing to help educate people on how to work with family members who struggle with SM. This is something that I struggled with my the majority of my life, and my mom went to talked to multiple pediatricians that just told her that I was “Painfully shy” and that she just needed to encourage me to “use my voice”. The way they went about it was incredibly similar to your ice cream example. What did it do? It made me feel like I was letting my parents down, like when I didn’t get the thing that I couldn’t ask for, I was being punished for something that I physically couldn’t do. I appreciate that you are trying to educate people on the topic. But because of the way my mom was told to handle It, this was something that I struggled with until I was in my early twenties. Yes you need to encourage them to face their fears. However, when you make it seem like they’re being punished for something they can’t help, for most kids all it does it make them more frustrated with themselves.
Lynn A, I hear what you are saying and I don't want any child to feel back about themselves. I am just approaching this from a therapy standpoint. Thank you for watching and your comment was very well thought out and made.
Live On Purpose TV No, this is not from a therapy standpoint. My son went to therapy for selective mutism, with a selective mutism specialist, and this is NOT the way the specialist taught us to handle it.
So my son doesn't talk anytime he's introuble when he does speak it's muttering or lying. He puts the blame on everyone else. This is why I did it they did this. Or I was angry at mom so I didn't listen. Or she did it so I did it so I did it. How do I combat both both with out anger I get so frustrated when he chooses not to answer
Lynae Fisher, do not shield him from any consequences. He needs the consequences so he will can experience what it means to be held accountable. Don't argue with him. He knows he is wrong, he just wants to see if he can get someone to believe him.
Best video on selective mutism i ve ever come across (trust me i have watched so many videos, read all materials on this subject)...very practical tips for my very practical daughter...keep the drama low is a good one....my 7 yr old is able to talk in front of anyone loudly in my presence (earlier she was afraid of her voice being heard)...if she is asked a question she turns to me and answers it...i just repeat her answer politely...or say something like "oh you are telling aunty that...." should i continue this or should i tel her outright that she needs to look at the other person and acknowledge them...on one hand i feel shes getting spoilt by this habbit and doesnt answer anyone when i am not there and does not speak in school...on the other hand i feel that i will be discouraging her from expressin herself...atleast now shes feeling comfortable with her voice being heard and expressing herself in front of others (though in my presence)... wat is your opinion...
My opinion is that you are on the right track! I've found that incremental steps are important. Your daughter is willing to have her voice be heard by others, which is a great step. We can always ask "what's the next step" (isn't that true for all of us?). Identify what the next step would be for her and apply these principles to assist her in that direction. We've got lots of other videos here on the channel that might give some other ideas. You might start with this one, and then browse around in the Positive Parenting playlist. Let me know how it goes! DrPaul ruclips.net/video/1SFIc2LsHyA/видео.html
Thank u very much for your response...i have already watched all your videos on parenting...really useful...i really like ur expressions... can u pls make a video explaining how to handle/ respond to various situations as a parent of selectively mute child as well as tips for the child if any (not to lose heart/hope)...like when the teacher says during ptm that i have not heard her voice till now (even though i have told them about her condition and working wit school councelor teachers dont stop advising and saying that when she starts talking in the class i will make the whole class clap for her), or a classmate says she does not know how to talk or her friends parent says she does not say hi to me or she talks only to her friend not me... its really hard for both of us to handle it...i do not know if i shud act as if there is no problem at all and say tat she just takes some time to warm up, she ll be fine etc or shud i acknowledge and say that shes trying, taking small steps etc...
Three minutes in, and I cannot bring myself to watch anymore. You are spreading MISINFORMATION. Selective mutism is NOT a choice. Why speak on something you CLEARLY do not have adequate knowledge of? Better to say nothing at all than to spread lies that only cause more pain to the people suffering with this condition. Your advice comes across as very condescending and facetious. I read a comment here from a woman who was also upset with your video; and she, too, wondered how you could claim this is a CHOICE. She said her child freezes up in social situations and gives a blank stare. Those are classic and very BASIC selective mutism symptoms; and anyone who has been around children with selective mutism for any length of time would know this. But your response was, “MaYbE sOmEtHiNg ElSe iS gOiNg oN”. 🤦♂️ You clearly have no knowledge of this condition, so please leave the advice to the experts. A Ph.D. does not qualify you to speak on every topic in existence.
Kyli Catherine, I appreciate your passion and empathy for those with Selective Mustism. There are different types of SM, and I am just explaining how I have worked with children in my professional career - and found success. There very well could be other causes (ie. genetic), which is why I made the statement about something else possibly going on. If this information is not useful, I invite you and others to seek other professional counsel on the subject.
I'm 15 and it got worse for me I used to be brave and talk short talk But now I still do short talk but always depressed about not talking more... My parents told me I would grow out of it but is that actually right ? Cuz I have a feeling it won't...
I struggled with it for most of my life. I was an adult before I was able to overcome it because of advice like what this man has given. He is not an expert. Though you should try to get into therapy ASAP. That being said, you 100% can overcome it. The way that worked for me was exposure therapy in a way that I could control that I could control. It's hard and uncomfortable, but you have to put yourself in situations that you're not comfortable with and work on building confidence in yourself. Because ultimately its lack of confidence in yourself an/extremely poor self image.
Why are all these snowflakes in the comments complaining about the word "choice"? Don't you people believe in free will or what? Your kids have a brain, and aren't crazy, therefore they know what's up. People, kids aren't dumb. When I was a kid, I would notice when I would speak and not speak and around who. When I sensed threat, I would go automatically silent. It is selective, because I had experience with the person, and I chose to be mute around them. I wasn't mute with people I trusted.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you, and you are correct. I just feel passionately about this, because the parents pretend like they understand their kids and what is going on in their minds, when in fact, they don't.
Having direct experience with trauma and working as a Family Violence Specialist, I find this advice disheartening but not uncommon. If a child has experienced repeated abuse, staying silent can become a way to protect themselves. While forcing a child to speak, before addressing trust issues can potentially retraumatise.
This video was so helpful!!! My son usually don't speak or defends himself in certain situations especially at school. He ends up not explaining himself correctly to the point that teachers won't end up believing him 😣 how can I help to make himself sound confident and what he really is saying is true.
So glad you found it helpful Aly C. Just as a heads-up, Vicki (my lovely wife) and I are just completing the "Parenting Power-up" audio course which should be available by next month. In this course we get into more of the principles you will find here in our positive parenting playlist. Honored to be on your team! DrPaul
Sorry if i am interfering, but just for a little bit of advice, since im selective mute as well, dont force him to speak aloud,it may lead to depression,as it did to me,and tell him to look them in the eye when speaking to them,it wont affect him mentally.and if he wants to go to a public, or social place, open up about it so he can gain experience that being around people isnt bad.it will most likely help him gain confidence.
Dr. Paul, your videos are great ! What if a child thinks that the demand (in this video, speak for themselves) is too pricey to have their wishes met. And in consequence they are no longer interested in ice-cream (as strange as it sounds) or whatever else they wanted just a minute ago. And the same pattern goes on and on. Is there any way to pass business here ? Lower the cost ? Stay firm (and loving, of course..)? Thanks
Hi Fox on the rocks - you make an excellent point here. Some calibration is needed for each child depending on their personality and specific circumstances. "It's just not worth it" is actually a pretty common response. Occasionally this is testing the limits to see if the game really has changed. Stay consistent and, as you pointed out, stay LOVING (since that's your main job.) DrPaul
Accidently fall out PLEASE. Because giving people the definition of Selective and Mutism isn't the diagnosis. Your way off. I couldn't even watch 2 minutes. NOBODY CHOOSES THIS. My child's body language changes. She has a blank stare when kids are talking to her. For you to say she chooses it. NO. Please have several seats.
He has no idea what he’s talking about 🙄 Then he says “MaYbE sOmEtHiNg ElSe iS gOinG oN” ...when those are classic selective mutism symptoms! Seriously... some people open their mouth and put their entire foot right in it! Why speak on something you don’t have adequate knowledge on??!
Hema Gosine, I would start with the relationship and not pressure the child. Find something that both like to do together, without necessarily talking.
There is so little that children can actually control, that sometimes they use what they can always control to feel more in control. Speaking is just one example of that. Thanks for your comment! DrPaul
I touched on this in my main comment, but please don't say these children are willfully refusing to speak as a way to control things. This is actually insulting to the child and flat out incorrect. Misinformation like this can be very harmful to those with SM as well as those who interact with them.
One of my daughters is 20 years old. We have been fighting selective mutism with her since she was between 2 and 3. I can tell you for a fact 1 of the issues you bring up is absolutely involved. That being anxeity being part of it. Pretty much the rest of the video is incorrect in so many ways it aint even funny. The whole ice cream thing doesn't sound much like selective mutism. Sounds like manipulation to me. Someone who truely has SM it will completely depends on whos standing in front of them as to wether they ever talk or not. It dont matter what they want if someone they cant speak to is atanding there they will not talk regardless of consequence. This is a classic incidence of "education" vs experience. Sorry to dissent but i dont really hear expertise here.
Thank you so much for this! My 5 year old does selective mutism all the time. We have incorporated your skill but like you said we haven't made it a habit and also we do add the drama component when he does speak for himself. But on another note doctor when he's at school his teachers say good morning to him and he won't reply no matter what. What would be a good technique to deal with that situation? He usually will just hide behind me.
Sylvia, it sounds like you are on the right track. Watch some of the other videos here on the channel in our positive parenting playlist and I think you'll get additional ideas. Also, my wife Vicki and I are just completing the "Parenting Power-up" audio course which I think will be a valuable resource. That should be available by next month. Honored to be on your team! DrPaul
Hi, I enjoyed the video and I would like Dr Jenkins or someone who reviews this comment to give advice. I don't expect a diagnosis by any means but simply direction and I will try to use your methods described in the video. I have a 2 year old (turning 3 in about 3 weeks) and we found that he has had several ear infections, and each time they have been treated accordingly. We decided due to the # of ear infections as an infant and his recent infection that he is going to have tubes implanted which is about 12 minute minor surgery (something I had as a child and I am perfectly normal) : ) Also I hope it will help a minor speech delay. He's a smart kid, but I do have anxiety because lately when we are in public places he simply responds by nodding his head, instead of saying "yes" or "no", and becomes essentially non-verbal. However if he is in the car he seems to respond by saying, "Yes" and "no" and speaks just as a 2 year old would. I may be over thinking it and hope he grows out of it but it's a cause of concern. If someone can assist, or respond back I will immediatly respond back. I hope it's a phase, as I was told I was about 4 year old when I spoke just a couple words and had numerous ear infections and ended up getting tubes in my ears myself - most people might think of me as being autistic that a speech delay of 4 years old, versus my son who is turning 3 who says at least 150+ words. If I was autistic I no longer am, however I did overcome a learning dissability but I always worked harder and had good work ethic and it's blessed me because I have been # 1 & # 2 sales rep of forturne 500 companies with hundreds of employees. My point is that I have experienced harsher issues over my boy but I dont want it to progressivly get worse and need advice.
Cobey Huish, 2 years old is way too young to diagnose as most 2 year olds get very quiet when people they don't know well talk to them. The behavior is typical for that age so don't push him to speak, he will pick up on the anxiety. You can verbalize for him or just give him a hug.
Selective mutism is not by choice. Please rephrase your wording as it’s not intentional behaviour it is overwhelming situations that cause autistic people to appear avoidant and yes flight fright mode response is how we avoid and run from a social situation.
Live On Purpose TV You’re welcome. I enjoyed watching your video just spotted the little error which you did say you would be wary of wording. And yes please keep up the discussions on RUclips. It’s good to discuss and educate on autism.
PARENTS PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE. I say this as someone who struggled with it most of my life. This will just cause additional stress and anxiety when the child is already paralyzed with anxiety. Children with SM CANT SPEAK IN CERTAIN SOCIAL SITUATIONS. Its not because they don't want to! There's NO way this man is an expert in the field defining it the way he did. selectivemutismsteps and confidentchildren are excellent chanals for advice on the topic. PLEASE DON'T USE NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT FOR SOMETHING THAT THE CANT CONTROL.
You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know what selective mutism is. Your suggestions will only work with a painfully shy child, not a child with selective mutism. Saying that they are “choosing” not to talk is ridiculous! I would ask my son, “why didn’t you say hi?” And he would say “I did.” His brain would tell his mouth to open and talk and he would freeze.
Live On Purpose TV We tried therapy for his extreme anxiety. When he could lower his anxiety he was able to slowly start talking to others outside the family. Little by little he faced small challenges and he really came out of his shell. He was doing so good by the time he was fifteen! Unfortunately he was hit by a car and killed. So now I’m dealing with my 12-year-old daughter who has severe anxiety, depression, selective mutism and grief! I’d NEVER take her to buy ice cream and then embarrass and shame her for not being able to order! Selective mutism is a form of anxiety and needs to be treated as such.
Please be careful, Dr. Jenkins and others who interact with those with SM, with your definitions and descriptions. SM is an anxiety disorder that is largely genetic -- it is NOT developed by some "trauma trigger" and it is NOT a child willfully refusing to speak. My daughter is one of thousands who claims she wants so, so desperately to talk, but the anxiety literally shuts her down. It is a chemical reaction in the brain and not something she can control.
Of course I believe she has the power to choose to make small brave steps towards communication and eventually speech, but trying to force or bribe a child to speak in the way you've described can actually be harmful to their progress and even their emotional state.
You do offer some sound tips in saying we need to offer them opportunities to face their fears, we should tone down our reactions, etc. but the examples given here likely only work for those with mild SM. My daughter would literally starve to death before being able to order her own food. She would bleed to death before telling someone she's injured. Her anxiety is that severe! It is crazy. So no, I do not believe she sees this as "avoidance that paid off" or that she "knows this is working for (her)."
For those looking for reliable, research-based information on Selective Mutism, please start with selectivemutism.org, childmind.org, or selectivemutismcenter.org. I do appreciate what you are trying to do, Dr. Jenkins, but prefacing your video with an admission you "kind of accidentally fell into an area of expertise I didn't expect" and following it up with misinformation and misconceptions doesn't convince me you really know what you're dealing with here.
Thanks Amy for your thoughtful contributions here - much appreciated! DrPaul
Amy Jones I have it too everyone always tells me too talk it makes it worse and it makes me cry I’m exactly the same as your daughter I’m 11i never speak at school or with some people I’m not happy I want to talk but it just stops me I just can’t and it makes me cry I don’t want this😭😭😭😭😭
Amy Jones I agree. I actually have Selective Mutism myself and just got diagnosed last year and I’m 18.
patatoes;3 4life I’m 18, just got diagnosed last year and I wouldn’t talk to teachers in school and I would only whisper to my friends around my teachers. I hope you can get through your anxiety. I know it’s tough but you just have to stay positive and keep pushing yourself every day.
Just give her drugs
I was a child with selective mutism and its true that everyone making such a big deal about when I spoke freaked me out so badly. There were many times I did want to say something but I wouldn't for that very reason. I would even cry when my family sang me happy birthday. Here I am today a 42-year-old woman who overcame it and now I have a 10-year-old son who struggles with selective mutism but he is getting over it too. It's 100% anxiety driven. Great video!
I would ask that parents who believe their child has selective mutism find a different video to watch. Describing selective mutism as a 'choice' is very misleading and unhelpful for both the person suffering from it and for those around them who wish to help and are struggling to understand it.
My personal belief is that selective mutism IS an anxiety response in the brain which prevents speech. What it absolutely ISN'T, is somebody refusing to speak out of shyness or rudeness. I have at times been desperate to speak but felt physically incapable of doing so.
To my knowledge, the science of the brain is still little understood however, progress is being made here all the time. I'm confident that in some years time there will be more understanding and awareness of this subject, what brain chemicals etc. create the problem and therefore how to remedy it.
In the meantime may I suggest that we celebrate the strengths that selective mutes offer to society. I would guess that selective mutes are probably better listeners than most and may be very sensitive of other peoples' awkwardness in social situations. They must also be among the most strong and resilient of people because dealing with this problem on a daily basis is surely tiring and esteem sapping.
Please note that I do not pretend to be an expert on the subject of selective mutism and can only speak of my own experience with it.
I love your passion and call to action for greater understanding - thank you so much for your engagement with this issue and on behalf of those who suffer. DrPaul
Lauretta Young - Violin well said! I have Selective Mutism and just got diagnosed last year.
I didn't like it that he described it by saying that we choose not to speak that actually made me cry.
I actually build up a whole conversation in my head about what i would say if they said something to me (they never talk to me because EVERYONE says that 'I don't speak' but *I DO* and I'm actually the loudest person in my math class (sorry to my math teacher 😂) and I enjoy speaking to others but they don't speak to me and i can't start conversations and I can't speak in large groups
Thank you if you read this💖
Niamh McInnes you said that you don’t know how to start a conversation, out of curiosity, have you looked up some basic conversation starters and things like that? Where you are comfortable with speaking and talking you could ask them for some good conversation starters too. And if you have trouble with social cues (idk if you do it not but just in case) then you could learn about social cues too.
Seen so many post states this fact on that note I will not watch . This video
I am in my 50's now but as a child I had some form of selective mutism.. although they didn't refer to it as that back in my school days. I always hated other classmates and teachers who attempted to "help" me speak. It just made my anxiety so much worse and made me feel just awful. I always hated when my quietness was noticed and announced in public. So many times I heard.. oh.. you are so quiet.. do you speak? My school years were really miserable because of it. Its good to see there are people who actually understand it now and help children to overcome it in a healthy way.. I sure wish I had that kind of help back then.
Thank you, kakigr.
What I learned is: There isn't anything wrong with silence. It is peaceful. Yet people fear it, but if you have something to say, then don't be afraid to say it.
I agree being forced makes it worse because the reason why selective mutism struggles to communicate with unfamiliar situation or people, they actually go into fight or flight mode, where they aren’t processing . This can make it alot worse and this never works for me. It makes it worse.
Totally agree. My son has Selective Mutism. He’s in 2nd grade. I feel there’s a genetic component. My brother had it too. Many in our family struggle with either anxiety or depression. My brother slowly got over it. In jr high and high school he was fine. Never super talkative. He’s no 30 and totally functional. He just got out of the Army not long ago and is an electrical engineer. Hoping my son gets over it soon. Its been hard on him, me and his teacher. My son is quite bright and knows computers and technology and speaks very well everywhere else except school.
Mommies Media, your son is lucky to have you for his mom, someone who understands him and will be with him through the journey. Thank you for watching.
I nearly didn't watch this video, until watching my kids interact in public I realized that they both do this. Boy have I got my work cut out for me. Thank you so much for the practical (and sometimes difficult) advise.
April, knowledge is power. Hope the suggestions are helpful. DrPaul
The most ridiculous video EVER... My child doesn't CHOOSE not to talk..
Hi Jennifer Zorrilla, there are different types of Selective Mutism and hopefully you are finding ways to help your child. Thank you for watching.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV then why not say that in the video?
We simply can't talk in certain situations
I have selective mutism and I agree that we don't choose not to talk. I think it's a processing issue. There is is a low threshold for emotional stimulation and it's hard to process what to say and the emotions at the same time. At least that's what my case seems like.
Kids with SM do NOT choose to not talk. It is an anxiety disorder on a continuum. It is largely genetic and present from infancy. It is NOT a traumatic response, from poor parenting or any other single reason that "triggers" the experience.
KingSlurpGaming, thank you.
You is not a doc so shut up
Sorry, me again. Having calmed down a little, I can acknowledge that there are many helpful things to try in this video. However, I still feel that the video comes at selective mutism from a 'spoilt/silly child' angle and lacks any kind of empathy or understanding of why selective mutes behave the way they do.
Like many mental/brain health issues selective mutism is treated so differently from any physical ailment. Of course , you don't clap, cheer and congratulate someone for overcoming their speech problems in the same way that you don't whoop and cheer when they go to a chemist and take antibiotics and overcome the flu - it would be patronising and implies that they're choosing to do 'better'. When you say that selective mutes are usually quite bright, I think you may be right and when you use bribery to get them to speak, it is seen through, and may have the opposite effect from that which you intend ie. anxiety breeds a need to experience control and a stubborn refusal to meet your expectations may set in as a result. I wonder whether, as a parent, just talking with your selective mute child about what you're going to do as a parent (ie. not get the ice cream unless they order it) and why might be better than what appears in the video to be an unsubtle manipulation that parents and doctors/therapists can giggle over!
Again, I acknowledge the practical ideas in the video as very useful and am just asking that the subject be treated with a less trivial delivery. In directing the video towards people who want to help selective mutes, I think more care should be given to the needs and feelings of the selective mute.
I applaud all wishes to help, but a more sensitive understanding of selective mutism needs to be demonstrated first.
Lauretta, your feedback is heard and acknowledged - thank you so much for caring enough to engage here. I'm honored by your contribution. DrPaul
as a server, I feel sooooo bad for the child. And I feel uncomfortable in that situation. It all depends on the energy of the parent in this process. When the parent is demanding, i see the kid become more anxious. Every child has different needs. People that experience selective mutism are very sensitive. I now understand why parents do this at restaurants now. Thank you for the new perspective. I experienced this myself and occasionally in adulthood in extremely stressful situations. I actually became a server to help myself get over this. I knew practice would help me in other situations and I am too much of a perfectionist to not try my best in my job.
As a person that experienced selective mutism and works with children this is an awesome video!
Thank you, Megara: Certified Everything. I applaud you for putting yourself in uncomfortable situations. You understand that this is how we grow.
Thank you for sharing your experience ★
I had severe SM and beat it at age 13 on my own. Everything this guy describes about selective mutism is absolutely correct from my experience. The only critique I have is that some people with SM, including myself, were so stubborn that any amount of coercion would be in vain I think. I suppose I might have cracked if I was pressed regularly, particularly as a young child, the way the presenter describes. However, all the conversation and interventions I received did not sway me in the slightest. My SM definitely felt involuntary, but I did eventually beat it-so it can’t be 100% involuntary. It took a lot of courage and I went for very small goals at first and now I’m as recovered as a person can be I think.
Tactical Texan, thank you for giving your perspective, it is valuable.
So what did it take to get you over the hump? What observations or advice would you lend me?
Just found this looking for help with my teen daughter who's only just been diagnosed with SM.
I was a little disappointed with the definition of SM being a childs CHOICE to not speak.
My daughter is pained that she 'can't ' speak in certain situations.
She wants to desperately but just can't. It's not by choice at all, and no amount of persuasion or force will make it happen. If anything it would make it worse.
Annmarie P, thank you for the comment.
Dr Paul, my 7 yr old daughter says that the only thought that goes on in her mind when someone approaches her wit a question is that, how wil the other person react/ respond to her...she tunes into the other person wondering what they are expecting from her, what they might be thinking, mosy importantly how surprised they might get to hear her answer them...so if shes answering a complete stranger the anxiety is lesser compared to a known person to whom she has not answered earlier...my daughter is otherwise v bold, positive and confident person...but, she just cant get over these thoughts which envelop her when she has to speak...anticipation of other persons reaction (expecting that the other person might get surprised) is the only thing that stops her from speaking... pleaaaase can you make a video which we can show to kids with selective mutism (something which involves role plays etc as you are so good at expressions and immitating others)..a video which my kid can relate to and watch and give her some tips to handle other persons reactions and continue the conversation despite the reaction ( as we cannot control the world/ others emotions, it is best if she learns what to do when she gets these thoughts)..
Great suggestion shreya bhat - I will put together some thoughts for that. Here's another example of a video I did just for kids - your daughter might get some ideas from that too. Thanks for watching! DrPaul
ruclips.net/video/v-o7L_Mwbgw/видео.html
Good idea
You’re a wonderful empathetic teacher. Thank you.
Thank you, appreciate that.
No. He isn't
This is prefect for a friend of mine. I sent it to her and her mom. I REALLY hope her mom watches and listens to it and follows what you say.
Thank you for sharing, Kas Stoner. Glad to have you at Live On Purpose.
Kas Stoner I don’t think this is the right video to send to your friend😕
As an anxiety disorder it is not willful. These children are stuck and would love nothing more than to be as “normal” as everyone else. Please look into revising your findings on this area prior to posting this kind of video by getting in touch with the Smart Center in Pennsylvania or NYU.
OK, Ev Torresani, will do.
If I wait for my kid to order she would starve. This video might work for some. However, this video doesn't work for all. I do however appreciate the attempt to provide information.
Tara Williams, thank you for your comment.
Recent studies show many of these kids suffer from hyperacousia, as did mine who had super grades but suffered a lot at school. Accomodations may need to be made, ie. quiet time, earplugs in noisy spaces if desired and discussion with the teacher. These kids may be literally traumatised by their own voices since their brains can’t filter sound normally, and have much difficulty hearing conversation in noisy settings which can effect social development at school. These kids require understanding.
Great comment. Thank you.
I feel there are a few good and bad points in this video...First, it isn't a choice. At all. You mentioned the Fight or Flight responses but didn't consider the third, Freeze. I believe Selective Mutism comes from the Freeze response. When the anxiety is so intense a persons body literally freezes. A child (or adult) with selective mutism, physically can't talk so please don't say it's a choice.
Secondly, your whole attitude about it...you came across as very patronising.
The whole ice cream thing doesn't sit well with me either...I'm sure it could work for some children but I fear it could have the opposite effect on others. I think my Selective Mutsim came from an intense fear of getting things wrong. If my mum had tried this out I would have felt an enormous sense of frustration at being unable to communicate what I wanted. But instead of working harder to overcome it, I likely would have withdrawn myself further, seeing it as a failure. Remember, Selective Mutism isn't a choice. The words I want to say are right there in my head but the anxiety is so intense they physically won't come out. You not letting a child choose their own ice cream because of this seems more like a punishment.
I feel a better way to tackle Selective mutsim is to reduce the anxiety and pressure to speak. Start small. Maybe encourage your child to talk to you in places they don't usually talk. Play word games and slowly bring in a friend.
I did see a couple of good points though. Especially the whole not making a big deal out of it part. This is very true. I remember getting very tense when I was able to talk and the people around me would act shocked and surprised. A little well done to reinforce that I did a good job was all it took for me to feel proud or my achievement.
Like you said, practice is very important too. Small steps and don't rush.
I think it's also true about it becoming a habit. It needs to be sorted out quickly because it can easily remain a problem growing up into an adult. I never had help as a child and I still struggle now as a 27 year old adult.
CharlieX888 right on! Thank you!
I completely agree
Thank you for replying with clarity.
Terrible video. SM is not a choice.
Matthew Cahill, thank you for watching. Just trying to help.
I don’t like the way selective mutism is described. Selective implying I’m able to talk when I want to. The reality for me growing up was that I desperately wanted to talk but was literally unable to.
professor peaches, yes, it does sound more like a conscious choice than the feelings that overwhelm someone in specific situations.
Many thanks ! It's so dificult to get information about that here in Brazil. Congrats for your work. Quality ✌
I love that with RUclips we can reach so many more people around the world. Share away...
@@LiveOnPurposeTV I'll for sure. Many Thanks !
It's a faulty fight or flight response! I'm an adult with S.M.I suspect I have Autism which social anxiety disorder is very common in.
MeLoYeLo Karma, thank you for commenting.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV You're welcome
Ph. D. or not, the facts are not all straight here. To begin with, "selective" does NOT mean "when I want to." It means "in specific situations." The name was changed years ago from "elective mutism" specifically because it was found not to be a choice of when the sufferer wanted to speak. Think of the term "selective herbicide." It's an herbicide that kills some plants but not others (for example, broadleaf plants but not grasses). Neither the herbicide or the plant is making a conscious choice. The word "selective" is being used in the same sense with selective mutism. It kills the person's ability to speak in some environments but not others. The name is not intended to imply that the person with SM can pick and choose when the disorder interferes with his or her life.
Steven Dunn, thank you for sharing, this is the therapy that is used to help people with selective mutism.
Hi Dr. Jenkins, love your videos. Would you guys make a video on handling older children who hit parents and how parents can handle the situation
Consequences if there are no disabilities. Probably some counseling.
I think his advice are pretty useful. You have to motivate the child to overcome this fear. He also says that the child does not enjoy not being able to talk so the parent has to help... not dealing with it and just accepting it and saying he /she will grow out of it will result in those adults who are commenting below at age 20 or 30 that they have had this condition for theire life.. I am sure they did not enjoy it. They are probably be able to live with it. And yes they may be smarter , because no enery is going away for speaking.
Zs Zs, what I have in the video is what I has been my professional experience of working with this concern and how I might help those affected. Thank you for commenting.
He describes my kid exactly in the video. Will try his suggested technique.
Howard Louie, honored to be on your team.
Its not a choice not to talk. its a huge misconception and from someone who says they have become an expert should know this.
There are different types of mutism, Claudia Drahos. Thank you for watching.
Yea I agree. We don’t choose to intentionally not, I often want too do well and interact but I can’t. I don’t know how
I have selective mutism and I choose to talk but I feel scared for some reason. I know they wouldn't hurt me. I used to be in a small school before when I was kinder, when I grew to grade 1 that's when it hit me. The new school was so big and i was so scared I won't know where my classroom is and I won't have friends. So I moved to a smaller school and nothing has seemed to change I made a story for my class because i wanted to be normal so i spent all weekend making it. When i had to read it in front of the class i just felt frozen and could not do anything. My body couldn't move I was so scared I ran away.
This sounds like a terrifying experience for you.
This is completely incorrect - Selective mutism is different from elective mutism. They don’t choose.
Thank you for watching.
I have selective mutism & having selective mutism is not fun.
No, it is not fun,JeniferConway. You have something to say. Hang in there.
I know that there are plenty of other comments that are similar to what I’m about to say, but this video really upset me on a personal level.
I do believe that there are some good tips in here, but a lot of the things that you are saying can be detrimental in helping a child through selective mutism. One of the most harmful is the way you defined it “Sometimes I don’t want to speak” as someone with experience working with children who struggle with selective mutism, you should know how problematic it is to misinform parents who don’t know how to help their children.
The official definition is: A childhood anxiety disorder characterized by a child's INABILITY to speak and communicate effectively in select social settings.
You minimizing the shear terror involved does absolutely nothing to help educate people on how to work with family members who struggle with SM.
This is something that I struggled with my the majority of my life, and my mom went to talked to multiple pediatricians that just told her that I was “Painfully shy” and that she just needed to encourage me to “use my voice”.
The way they went about it was incredibly similar to your ice cream example. What did it do? It made me feel like I was letting my parents down, like when I didn’t get the thing that I couldn’t ask for, I was being punished for something that I physically couldn’t do.
I appreciate that you are trying to educate people on the topic. But because of the way my mom was told to handle It, this was something that I struggled with until I was in my early twenties. Yes you need to encourage them to face their fears. However, when you make it seem like they’re being punished for something they can’t help, for most kids all it does it make them more frustrated with themselves.
Lynn A, I hear what you are saying and I don't want any child to feel back about themselves. I am just approaching this from a therapy standpoint. Thank you for watching and your comment was very well thought out and made.
How did you get over this condition? Or do you still have it?
Live On Purpose TV No, this is not from a therapy standpoint. My son went to therapy for selective mutism, with a selective mutism specialist, and this is NOT the way the specialist taught us to handle it.
Thank you so much!!! Very helpful!
Glad it helped!
So my son doesn't talk anytime he's introuble when he does speak it's muttering or lying. He puts the blame on everyone else. This is why I did it they did this. Or I was angry at mom so I didn't listen. Or she did it so I did it so I did it. How do I combat both both with out anger I get so frustrated when he chooses not to answer
Lynae Fisher, do not shield him from any consequences. He needs the consequences so he will can experience what it means to be held accountable. Don't argue with him. He knows he is wrong, he just wants to see if he can get someone to believe him.
Best video on selective mutism i ve ever come across (trust me i have watched so many videos, read all materials on this subject)...very practical tips for my very practical daughter...keep the drama low is a good one....my 7 yr old is able to talk in front of anyone loudly in my presence (earlier she was afraid of her voice being heard)...if she is asked a question she turns to me and answers it...i just repeat her answer politely...or say something like "oh you are telling aunty that...." should i continue this or should i tel her outright that she needs to look at the other person and acknowledge them...on one hand i feel shes getting spoilt by this habbit and doesnt answer anyone when i am not there and does not speak in school...on the other hand i feel that i will be discouraging her from expressin herself...atleast now shes feeling comfortable with her voice being heard and expressing herself in front of others (though in my presence)... wat is your opinion...
My opinion is that you are on the right track! I've found that incremental steps are important. Your daughter is willing to have her voice be heard by others, which is a great step. We can always ask "what's the next step" (isn't that true for all of us?). Identify what the next step would be for her and apply these principles to assist her in that direction. We've got lots of other videos here on the channel that might give some other ideas. You might start with this one, and then browse around in the Positive Parenting playlist. Let me know how it goes! DrPaul
ruclips.net/video/1SFIc2LsHyA/видео.html
Thank u very much for your response...i have already watched all your videos on parenting...really useful...i really like ur expressions...
can u pls make a video explaining how to handle/ respond to various situations as a parent of selectively mute child as well as tips for the child if any (not to lose heart/hope)...like when the teacher says during ptm that i have not heard her voice till now (even though i have told them about her condition and working wit school councelor teachers dont stop advising and saying that when she starts talking in the class i will make the whole class clap for her), or a classmate says she does not know how to talk or her friends parent says she does not say hi to me or she talks only to her friend not me... its really hard for both of us to handle it...i do not know if i shud act as if there is no problem at all and say tat she just takes some time to warm up, she ll be fine etc or shud i acknowledge and say that shes trying, taking small steps etc...
That's so helpful thanks so much!
MrHendawy085, You are welcome.
MrHendawy085, You are welcome.
I highly disagree with this video, not an accurate description or cause for selective mutism
Monica, Thank you for letting me know.
I have it and I kinda have to fix it on my own because my parents don’t care :’)
Three minutes in, and I cannot bring myself to watch anymore. You are spreading MISINFORMATION. Selective mutism is NOT a choice. Why speak on something you CLEARLY do not have adequate knowledge of? Better to say nothing at all than to spread lies that only cause more pain to the people suffering with this condition. Your advice comes across as very condescending and facetious.
I read a comment here from a woman who was also upset with your video; and she, too, wondered how you could claim this is a CHOICE. She said her child freezes up in social situations and gives a blank stare. Those are classic and very BASIC selective mutism symptoms; and anyone who has been around children with selective mutism for any length of time would know this. But your response was, “MaYbE sOmEtHiNg ElSe iS gOiNg oN”. 🤦♂️
You clearly have no knowledge of this condition, so please leave the advice to the experts. A Ph.D. does not qualify you to speak on every topic in existence.
Kyli Catherine, I appreciate your passion and empathy for those with Selective Mustism. There are different types of SM, and I am just explaining how I have worked with children in my professional career - and found success. There very well could be other causes (ie. genetic), which is why I made the statement about something else possibly going on. If this information is not useful, I invite you and others to seek other professional counsel on the subject.
What should I do if my son doesnt want to say hello or goodbye to his friends and teacher at kinder. He does sometimes but not all the time.
thu Moore, give him lots of positive reinforcement when he does.
would love to try the tips. thank you!
I hope they help, Ryuuto and Nina. Thanks for watching.
I'm 15 and it got worse for me
I used to be brave and talk short talk
But now I still do short talk but always depressed about not talking more... My parents told me I would grow out of it but is that actually right ? Cuz I have a feeling it won't...
Each time I need help I just freeze and force myself to reach out for help but I just stop and help myself since maybe I embarrass myself
It could be that you need some one on one help with getting to the next level. Ask your parents to help you find the right therapist to work with.
I struggled with it for most of my life. I was an adult before I was able to overcome it because of advice like what this man has given. He is not an expert. Though you should try to get into therapy ASAP.
That being said, you 100% can overcome it. The way that worked for me was exposure therapy in a way that I could control that I could control.
It's hard and uncomfortable, but you have to put yourself in situations that you're not comfortable with and work on building confidence in yourself. Because ultimately its lack of confidence in yourself an/extremely poor self image.
Thank you imensely sir
You are welcome.
He doesn't deserve thanks.
This makes me so angry. They DO NOT choose not to talk!!
Caroline West, thanks for watching.
Why are all these snowflakes in the comments complaining about the word "choice"? Don't you people believe in free will or what?
Your kids have a brain, and aren't crazy, therefore they know what's up.
People, kids aren't dumb. When I was a kid, I would notice when I would speak and not speak and around who. When I sensed threat, I would go automatically silent.
It is selective, because I had experience with the person, and I chose to be mute around them.
I wasn't mute with people I trusted.
Diamind, everyone's experience is different. We all have different perspectives based on those experiences.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Thank you, and you are correct.
I just feel passionately about this, because the parents pretend like they understand their kids and what is going on in their minds, when in fact, they don't.
Having direct experience with trauma and working as a Family Violence Specialist, I find this advice disheartening but not uncommon. If a child has experienced repeated abuse, staying silent can become a way to protect themselves. While forcing a child to speak, before addressing trust issues can potentially retraumatise.
Kayla Jones, there isn't always trauma. If there is, then the trauma needs to be dealt with, of course. Thank you for your good work helping families.
#ToGetherWeCanDefeatSelectiveMutism #StayStrong #YouAreNotAlone :)
thank you for sharing.
This video was so helpful!!! My son usually don't speak or defends himself in certain situations especially at school. He ends up not explaining himself correctly to the point that teachers won't end up believing him 😣 how can I help to make himself sound confident and what he really is saying is true.
So glad you found it helpful Aly C. Just as a heads-up, Vicki (my lovely wife) and I are just completing the "Parenting Power-up" audio course which should be available by next month. In this course we get into more of the principles you will find here in our positive parenting playlist. Honored to be on your team! DrPaul
Live On Purpose TV I can't wait to see it. Looking forward for it!!
Thanks again DR.PAUL
Sorry if i am interfering, but just for a little bit of advice, since im selective mute as well, dont force him to speak aloud,it may lead to depression,as it did to me,and tell him to look them in the eye when speaking to them,it wont affect him mentally.and if he wants to go to a public, or social place, open up about it so he can gain experience that being around people isnt bad.it will most likely help him gain confidence.
AnimeToGo thanks for the advice.. I'll def. Keep that in mind!!
I do tend to force him and get sometimes frustrated.😑😑
Is it possible that you can have selective mutism and dyslexia? I can't read to well
Yes, Sany Cool2018. Testing would diagnose the condition. Talk to your parent or teacher. Thank you for watching.
Dr. Paul, your videos are great !
What if a child thinks that the demand (in this video, speak for themselves) is too pricey to have their wishes met. And in consequence they are no longer interested in ice-cream (as strange as it sounds) or whatever else they wanted just a minute ago. And the same pattern goes on and on. Is there any way to pass business here ? Lower the cost ? Stay firm (and loving, of course..)?
Thanks
Hi Fox on the rocks - you make an excellent point here. Some calibration is needed for each child depending on their personality and specific circumstances. "It's just not worth it" is actually a pretty common response. Occasionally this is testing the limits to see if the game really has changed. Stay consistent and, as you pointed out, stay LOVING (since that's your main job.) DrPaul
hmm Agree with Amy bellow. u need to redo this video .. it could be misleading
Lucia Liskova, thank you, I will consider.
Accidently fall out PLEASE. Because giving people the definition of Selective and Mutism isn't the diagnosis. Your way off. I couldn't even watch 2 minutes. NOBODY CHOOSES THIS. My child's body language changes. She has a blank stare when kids are talking to her. For you to say she chooses it. NO. Please have several seats.
D Escobar, maybe there is something else going on?
He has no idea what he’s talking about 🙄 Then he says “MaYbE sOmEtHiNg ElSe iS gOinG oN” ...when those are classic selective mutism symptoms! Seriously... some people open their mouth and put their entire foot right in it! Why speak on something you don’t have adequate knowledge on??!
Can a two year old have this my kid isn’t shy he. Would just rather grunt
Yes, Britany B, it can happen in a 2 year old. Check with your pediatrician.
what if its a teenager and he just refuse to speak to the parent only
Hema Gosine, I would start with the relationship and not pressure the child. Find something that both like to do together, without necessarily talking.
I have selective mutism
Thank you for watching.
My 4 year old daughter never speaks when she's upset or angry from certain situations. Can happen at home as well as out
There is so little that children can actually control, that sometimes they use what they can always control to feel more in control. Speaking is just one example of that. Thanks for your comment! DrPaul
Live On Purpose TV that's so true thankyou
I touched on this in my main comment, but please don't say these children are willfully refusing to speak as a way to control things. This is actually insulting to the child and flat out incorrect. Misinformation like this can be very harmful to those with SM as well as those who interact with them.
One of my daughters is 20 years old. We have been fighting selective mutism with her since she was between 2 and 3. I can tell you for a fact 1 of the issues you bring up is absolutely involved. That being anxeity being part of it. Pretty much the rest of the video is incorrect in so many ways it aint even funny. The whole ice cream thing doesn't sound much like selective mutism. Sounds like manipulation to me. Someone who truely has SM it will completely depends on whos standing in front of them as to wether they ever talk or not. It dont matter what they want if someone they cant speak to is atanding there they will not talk regardless of consequence. This is a classic incidence of "education" vs experience. Sorry to dissent but i dont really hear expertise here.
Paul, thank you for sharing your experience.
Thank you so much for this! My 5 year old does selective mutism all the time. We have incorporated your skill but like you said we haven't made it a habit and also we do add the drama component when he does speak for himself. But on another note doctor when he's at school his teachers say good morning to him and he won't reply no matter what. What would be a good technique to deal with that situation? He usually will just hide behind me.
Sylvia, it sounds like you are on the right track. Watch some of the other videos here on the channel in our positive parenting playlist and I think you'll get additional ideas. Also, my wife Vicki and I are just completing the "Parenting Power-up" audio course which I think will be a valuable resource. That should be available by next month. Honored to be on your team! DrPaul
Hi, I enjoyed the video and I would like Dr Jenkins or someone who reviews this comment to give advice. I don't expect a diagnosis by any means but simply direction and I will try to use your methods described in the video. I have a 2 year old (turning 3 in about 3 weeks) and we found that he has had several ear infections, and each time they have been treated accordingly. We decided due to the # of ear infections as an infant and his recent infection that he is going to have tubes implanted which is about 12 minute minor surgery (something I had as a child and I am perfectly normal) : ) Also I hope it will help a minor speech delay. He's a smart kid, but I do have anxiety because lately when we are in public places he simply responds by nodding his head, instead of saying "yes" or "no", and becomes essentially non-verbal. However if he is in the car he seems to respond by saying, "Yes" and "no" and speaks just as a 2 year old would. I may be over thinking it and hope he grows out of it but it's a cause of concern. If someone can assist, or respond back I will immediatly respond back. I hope it's a phase, as I was told I was about 4 year old when I spoke just a couple words and had numerous ear infections and ended up getting tubes in my ears myself - most people might think of me as being autistic that a speech delay of 4 years old, versus my son who is turning 3 who says at least 150+ words. If I was autistic I no longer am, however I did overcome a learning dissability but I always worked harder and had good work ethic and it's blessed me because I have been # 1 & # 2 sales rep of forturne 500 companies with hundreds of employees. My point is that I have experienced harsher issues over my boy but I dont want it to progressivly get worse and need advice.
Cobey Huish, 2 years old is way too young to diagnose as most 2 year olds get very quiet when people they don't know well talk to them. The behavior is typical for that age so don't push him to speak, he will pick up on the anxiety. You can verbalize for him or just give him a hug.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thanks
how u gonna say him? Imma girl and I have it, really dude 😑👎
Hi Kawaii Potato - sounds like I might have missed a few things eh? Thanks for your input - heard and acknowledged. DrPaul
That’s a stupid reason to get upset.
Selective mutism is not by choice. Please rephrase your wording as it’s not intentional behaviour it is overwhelming situations that cause autistic people to appear avoidant and yes flight fright mode response is how we avoid and run from a social situation.
Got it, TheArtyYvonne. Thank you for watching and commenting.
Live On Purpose TV You’re welcome. I enjoyed watching your video just spotted the little error which you did say you would be wary of wording. And yes please keep up the discussions on RUclips. It’s good to discuss and educate on autism.
This is so rude 👎
Kawaii Potato offer a solution!!! He is trying to offer one!
Kawaii Potato, doesn't sound like the channel is the place for you.
Oh my gosh! Please do not say kids with sm CHOOSE not to talk! It is not a choice!😱
The rest is really good though.
Thank you.
U have no idea
maybe...
PARENTS PLEASE DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE. I say this as someone who struggled with it most of my life. This will just cause additional stress and anxiety when the child is already paralyzed with anxiety.
Children with SM CANT SPEAK IN CERTAIN SOCIAL SITUATIONS. Its not because they don't want to! There's NO way this man is an expert in the field defining it the way he did.
selectivemutismsteps and confidentchildren are excellent chanals for advice on the topic.
PLEASE DON'T USE NEGATIVE REINFORCEMENT FOR SOMETHING THAT THE CANT CONTROL.
Thank you for sharing your experience.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV Stop being patronizing and actually listen to people who are telling you this advice is harmful.
Please take this video down. Some really bad advice here 😔
Thank you, I think people can decide for themselves.
You are awesome! cool video
Amilia - thank you! From your handle it looks like you have some experience in this area. Honored to be on your team. DrPaul
Live On Purpose TV Thank you, I have selective mutism and I'm so glad there are videos about SM which make me feel better!
I watched up to 1:09 and i wouldnt waste more of time!! Dr.whatever who ?!
SM is not a CHOICE!!!
Educate before please next time !
Thank you for trying, hopefully some other videos on the channel will be more helpful.
@@LiveOnPurposeTV thank you , they have correct and more accurate information for sure
And please dont spread wrong facts!
You don’t know what you’re talking about. You don’t know what selective mutism is. Your suggestions will only work with a painfully shy child, not a child with selective mutism. Saying that they are “choosing” not to talk is ridiculous! I would ask my son, “why didn’t you say hi?” And he would say “I did.” His brain would tell his mouth to open and talk and he would freeze.
montufaraj, what have you tried that has worked for your child?
Live On Purpose TV We tried therapy for his extreme anxiety. When he could lower his anxiety he was able to slowly start talking to others outside the family. Little by little he faced small challenges and he really came out of his shell. He was doing so good by the time he was fifteen! Unfortunately he was hit by a car and killed. So now I’m dealing with my 12-year-old daughter who has severe anxiety, depression, selective mutism and grief! I’d NEVER take her to buy ice cream and then embarrass and shame her for not being able to order! Selective mutism is a form of anxiety and needs to be treated as such.