Empowering Conversations on Suicide with Autistic People
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- Опубликовано: 27 янв 2024
- CONTENT WARNING: This video discusses topics related to suicide and autism. While our conversation aims to be empowering and informative, we understand this topic can be challenging for some. Viewer discretion is advised. If you or someone you know is struggling with thoughts of self-harm or suicide, we encourage reaching out to a mental health professional or a helpline in your country.
Hi! I'm Orion Kelly and I'm Autistic. On this video I explore the topic of suicide and autism. Plus, I share my personal lived experiences as an #actuallyautistic person. #orionkelly #autism #asd #autismsigns #whatautismfeelslike
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I wanna watch this but also not cause I don't think I can handle it right now.
I've had chronic suicidal ideation for years. At any given moment I'm one frustrating thing away from wanting to die because I'm already starting at such an awful baseline.
Sending love to all.
I feel the same every day. I hope we all can feel better some day.
Hang in there! You are loved and people need you!
@@seaglasscolorthat's not always the case. Nobody needs me and I'm 'loved' through sporadic phonecalls twice a year. Not everybody is loved and needed, unfortunately. But it is still a very nice thing of you to say!❤
@@roddo1955Same, except I quit answering the phone calls. Why even bother pretending?
@@roddo1955 Indeed. For me it is entirely internal. It does not matter what anyone says_more like Orion and Jesse say, being heard, listening to and seen makes a little different, for maybe a moment. But at least for me, it is internal, and most people cannot make any difference.
Suicidal ideation or chronic suicidal ideation is really difficult to navigate. I love life, but it is such a taboo subject no one wants to talk about it.
You're not allowed to talk about suicide or people don't like you.
@@colletteprops8708 and if a person ever gets up enough courage to ask for help getting help, suddenly all their "friends" disappear and family ignore.
I support autistic people and I find it so frustrating that the medical team, Drs, hospitals, mental health etc are talking and trying to help but with a neurotypical brain. I feel they are making things a lot worse for the people I'm supporting and I'm trying to do something about this. I'm in the UK.
The amazing self domesticating ape really doesn't like it when a fellow ape fails to domesticate themself to their standards.
And they really, really don't like it when you criticize their domestication techniques.
That gets you treated like a physical threat.
And that is depressing.😂
@@sandratrask7230 I was just recently in the hospital for SI, and it was hell on my sensory issues, and communicating with some of the nurses was nearly impossible. I even asked a couple of times, how in the hell am I supposed to focus on getting better?! That place was awful.
I found out I’m Autistic because I was trying to figure out what was “wrong” with me. I worked out after struggling through high school that I had some kind of unidentified learning disorder that impaired my ability to judge time and distance and remember things and organize things. The social issues were already well established, as were the stims. No one let me forget them. But I had to search to find out what could cause it all.
And it pisses me off because you get people who think you just decided out of a blue sky that you’re Autistic and that you’re using it as an excuse to act any way you want, to act like you’re different and special. Dude, it was the rest of society, or the portion I encountered, that made it clear to me again and again that I was different. It was trying to live by their standards that told me I couldn’t do things their way and survive.
But they still act like you shouldn’t label people and a bunch of other stuff. Like everything was fine until you heard of Autism. Yeah, sure, it was just fine being blamed for things I was sincerely trying to do right, or for forgetting things I tried so hard to remember. They honestly act like forgetting something is a character flaw. Not failure to use an app to remember for you, but failure to actually understand and remember things that are told to you, the instant they’re spoken.
It’s no wonder there are days when you fantasize about disappearing forever. You live with people being angry at you for just existing. And while I think that anyone who would be happier if you died is someone who deserves to be unhappy, I’m guilty of imagining that I one day just walk away into the woods, leaving them to finally ask what made me decide I’d be happier lost than with them.
Part of the problem is that, if you go to a counselor, the first thing they say is that if you tell me you're suicidal, I'm going to have to report it to authorities. We'll take you to the hospital to be evaluated, and you might end up in a loony bin for two weeks, or until we are convinced you are not suicidal. So you don't dare say anything, even if you have no intention of actually trying it. By the way, I've never heard the term "ideation," but yeah, it's about right.
The psychologist at the hospital didnt say she would report me but i noticed that she would do it. So she questioned me about some answers on the test and i lied and brushed it off. 😢 still she did refer me to a therapist specialized in autism that is helping me. The hospital psychologist is also good its just that she has to do things in a certain way and is more of generalist.
They have to report if they believe you're at imminent risk of harming yourself or others. If you use phrases such as 'passive ideation' or 'no imminent plans', that gets around their kind of procedural triggers about considering reporting to authorities - at least in my experience - and you can actually have the conversations you need to have. Unfortunately those phrases have little to no meaning for me any more, since I keep having to just throw them out there as an automatic response to their automatic response :P Best of luck, hope you are doing well today.
Honestly I used to constantly fight ideation, until a highly redirected ex partner made me make a promise that I would not intentionally injure myself anymore, now decades ago. Since then I default myself to that promise and press on one way or another. I'm terrible about encouragement or do I believe, but it would only encourage me more to be able to give people a person to at least talk to when they feel alone if that is one of their causes of ideation. Thank you Orion for videos like this to approach the very sensitive topic in an aware and supportive way.
Highly redirected?
Thank you so much for saying "women are much more likely to be social butterflies blah, blah, blah; it's all crap". As an autistic female - who tried so hard to fulfill that script and failed - I felt stupid for seriously trying and failing to commit suicide. Someone found me 8 hours after and sent me to get my stomach pumped. I later learned the stats for success were stacked against my favor and the general social script was that female suicide attempts were actually cries for help rather than actual attempts at success which made my honest attempt feel empty. I really appreciated hearing a male validate that life-long pressures to mask and socialize make suicide attempts a valid desire. Thank you Orion.
Side note, I removed myself from the social situations which were driving the suicidal ideation. I was able to figure out, and receive an official diagnosis for, autism 10 years after that attempt. I am still in the mental health care system, and still think about the sweet sweet release of not living, but can honestly say that moving towards just validating my struggles as an autistic female made - the - difference between thinking I'm trash for being alive 'cause I'm a failure at trying to be like other neurotypicals, to recognizing that I'm doing really well as an autistic female.
Again Orion, thank you for validating masking as a truly exhausting experience. Males like you who allowed me to drop the mask, and act the way I needed to in order to get to the next day, make a major difference for everyone of any neurotype and gender expression.
I intensely feel what you are writing. Although I have never tried (yet?) I have thought about it almost daily from since I have a memory. I am a late (@51) diagnosed female who masks better than batman (batgirl?). Swinging between feeling like I am a conqueror and a heap of shit is also very familiar. I wish you well, I hope you find your way to persist with joy, I know it is hard work, every day. I hope that your feelings of doing well grow every day and eventually win out over the feeling like trash feelings!
im a male and always fit into the female description, its annoying.
I have regular suicidal thoughts but I'm far from being suicidal. I love life, but those thoughts just come out in difficult moments. I'm glad to see that distinction being made in the video.
Watching Bluey lately has actually helped reduce those thoughts and improve my overall mood which is nice.
Excellent video. It's been another of those post-diagnosis revelations for me to learn that it's not considered 'normal' for everyone to keep the means to unalive themselves at home and to think about it on an almost daily basis as I have done for the past 50-odd years. That said, when I found a bloke about to jump off a bridge onto the motorway I think because suicidal ideation was part of normal life for me I was able to talk to him about his decision and he allowed me to call help for him.
Having been undiagnosed for most of my useful life, I am still reframing the past 50 or so years with this new understanding of myself although I doubt there'll be a satisfactory answer to 'oh, what's the point of more of this crap?' though. My dogs are my reason to keep going.
Both my brothers and I are on the spectrum. Both my brothers committed suicide. Thank you for covering this topic. It's so important for everyone to know this ideation exists and persists for ppl especially on the spectrum. Not everyone, but many. In my family, it was 2 out of 3. I wasn't Dx until I was in my 40s, so super late Dx.
Ohw I am so sorry to read that..😢
So sorry. I know a man in his 70s who highly suspects he is on the spectrum, and his 2 brothers took their own lives as well...
Thank you Orion for taking on this heavy and controversial topic. Jesse was a great guest.
I can’t believe I’m sharing this. Suicidal ideation is like a part of me. The analogy of the security blanket rings true. I feel suicide is always an option if things get too bad. The only reason I have not really considered it seriously is the thought of my family and partner that would have to deal with it.
After three serious self-harm episodes I was always rushed to the emergency room and then admitted to a psychiatric hospital. I never had any input. Why didn’t someone just talk to me first? Ask me why? At least I got some help in the hospital.
This was really difficult for me to write. A bit emotional now. But listening to this video and just writing down my story helped.
Thank you so much for sharing this!
You don't have to tell if you don't want to, but I'm here to ask you: why?
@@milenamartins21 i think it’s because I’ve always felt a bit worthless and a burden in a way. My emotions all over the place. I’ve learnt to mask really well, but sometimes I just can’t keep it up and can’t lie to myself. I am in an ok place at the moment.
@@PeterJoubert1972 I'm glad to hear that, thank you for sharing ❤
The why for me is to attain Sweet Oblivion. For now books keep me alive
Orion, I was born autistic like you - my father punched me, even for not smiling on a photo or looking the wrong way. Imagine what he would have done, if I dared to allow myself to show my meltdown !? You can't imagine, what that feels like, growing up like that, with an iron mask, not being allowed to exist. My father would have been a horror for a normal child - I had to stuff my entire being inside a box, otherwise he would beat me. He broke my NT brothers arms for playing too loudly. It feels insane to realize, how heavenly other children grew up. All those luxuries, they could even tell their parents about their frustrations or dare to feel mad about an issue. I came back too late for a piano lesson, age 9, he punched me in the chest, I couldnt breath for 40 secs. He and my mother just went back to the sofa, reading newspaper, while I was on the ground, looking at them, unable to get air.
Do you know what it cost me, not to become like my father ?? How much restraint it costs me, not to do something bad ? I have a heart for people in need, I feel with people in pain, so I would never hurt anyone. Just to show you, what some of us have to "swallow and smile", while dying / exploding inside. I couldn't even eat in peace. At dinner, I didn't dare to look at him, but one bad exam at school, and he screamed and punched me at the table, kicking me off the chair. Every f.. time !
I couldn't focus in school, I tried, I had all those effects you decribe in your videos. I got mocked and beaten in school too.
Even the teachers made a public mockery of me, the whole class laughing for my autistic behavior. And all this, while I was shy, polite and didn't dare to question anyone. I'm 6 foot 2 and very strong since 20. I'm 44 now, still the same and I never lashed out on someone innocent. Like you, I have a 8 year old autistic son, not just an aspie, but intensily on the spectrum. (in special school). I see so many of my autistic behavior in him. He grows up as a happy version of myself, without fear. But the hell I have inside myself, you couldn't imagine, my friend.
I masked like crazy my whole life, faked being someone else, so work colleagues would accept me. I failed often, cause I ran out of power and nerves to keep up that stupid mask. After 15 years of freelancing in IT, working like a machine, it burned me out, I got all grey hair in my 30s. I felt years of my life being subtracted in fast-forward. I could sell myself as the performance guy, barely human, but was unable to socialize with others.. 1 year ago, my wife died of cancer. I started reading the bible, otherwise I'd have collapsed. She was everything to me. I solved her every problem, to feel worthy of her.. like you described.
I found comfort in Jesus Christ after my wife's passing, that's the only reason, why I still stand and can be there for my son.
Since I was 6 yo, I couldn't sleep - part of my autism. I can only sleep from exhaustion, not like normal people, falling asleep.
So I have a 25/26hours day rhythm. Because that doesn't work with home and work, I forced it to work like always, so I'm sleep deprived my entire life. Imagine how I feel, when I hear people complain about missing some luxuries / freedoms.. In my heart I feel with people struggling, but I struggle with decades of bitterness. I just put these words down for awareness. May it give you hope, that even if hell rains down on you, it doesn't have to be the end.
All the best to you all, my friends !
❤️🩹🫂
I do sometimes feel like I have lived a wasted life.
To get all philosophical, unless we fulfil our biological imperative and have children there is no meaning to life whatsoever, so we may as well enjoy as much of it however we can. No life is wasted. Even if all you achieve in your life is not running over a squirrel once, that's really important to the squirrel.
But I do appreciate the feeling of wasted and lost opportunities due to trying to fit in to a disjointed and irrational NT society and culture. I had 56 years undiagnosed and now I have more knowledge of myself I find I want less and less to do with other people. I am very grateful for Orion's channel and others such as Thomas Henley and Claire at Woodshed Theory - they don't know me but I consider them as friends thanks to YT.
I can relate. I have been on disability since age 16. Been in psych hospitals 40+ times.
But I try to help my friends and boyfriend. I don't want to hurt my family either. So I haven't attempted since 2008. 16 years. But I still think about it.
@@Catlily5 That's really nice that you think of your family and people around you, that's also the only reason I choose to stay alive. Personally I will not be around after my parents pass, disability doesn't cover the cost of living where I live and I can't work, so I will likely end up homeless. When you can't mask and aren't an aspie you're screwed.
@@leilameow9582 Disability doesn't cover the cost of living here but you can get help with housing (that's how I get by) and you can get food stamps. It is hard.
@@leilameow9582 What country do you live in?
Thanks for discussing this important topic. As an ASD female who has dealt with a lot of depression, I agree that there are greater social expectations placed on women, and for ASD women who struggle to fit in, feelings of ostracism will have a deeper impact, leading to a sense of failure, rejection and self-loathing that becomes how you define yourself. Realizing I was neurodivergent was a tremendous game-changer that allowed me to finally understand the reason for my challenges, and stop viewing myself as a hopeless failure, so I think diagnosis and awareness would be tremendously helpful for others. I agree that there is a level of acceptance for the stereotypical quirky, loner ASD man, not that they don't have their own challenges.
In my area in Canada, we have a regional crisis center we can call if we feel we are having a mental health crisis, but if it's really bad we can go there for a couple of days if we really feel distressed or like we might be on the verge of committing suicide. It's just an about 3-4 bedrooms house with social workers (more like therapists) that won't judge you and will help you reset. It feels super safe and not clinical at all. The first day they have a listen to what you need to talk about and let you wind down. You share a room with only one other person if it's busy. Every day a different client will have to cook with one of the employees and normally I hate to cook but they made it fun. The second day they meet you in their cozy office to help you put a pin on your biggest worries or hurdles and help you come up with your own solutions to overcome the bulk of it so you don't feel as overwhelmed anymore. This place is amazing. And it's a non-profit so it didn't cost anything. It is such a nice alternative to going to the hospital. ❤
That sounds amazing! Could you give the name of the place so that I could research it and maybe bring it up to the mental health professionals in my country to ask if we have something similar here?
@@joilisch this might not be the same crisis centre but in Toronto, Ontario, Canada there is a place exactly like this that includes mobile units to respond to Health Crisis calls.
It is called the Gerstien Crisis Centre. The famous founder just died last year which is why I know of it.
We need one of these in my city too.🫤🇨🇦
That does sound cool.
I live in Canada and in my area if you are an adult they force you inside and pump you full of drugs till “you’re better”.
Sounds like heaven! Overhere(Netherlands) they treat you like a prisoner and even take you to a facility that looks like a prison. They purposely make your stay VERY uncomfortable. In the hospital, the nurse twisted my IV and caused a giant hematoma. I yelled out in pain. Her response:' should have thought of that, before you took those pills'. Wtf?! At the facility I was taken into an interrogation room, put in a cell and could not leave. A bunch of therapeutic actors spend three days 'creating scenarios' every 4 hrs. It was like a bad episode of 'what would you do'. The worst was me noticing that and them just sort of smirking at me. Like bullies who know you are without any power or autonomy. At some point I cracked because of the incessant pressure of sleep and noise deprivation. Like vultures to a carcass, they swooped in: oh dear, what's going on? Is everything okay. Don't panic! Things are just hectic here..." I immediately felt the fakeness. I looked up and saw those faces smiling with their mouths but not with their eyes. The way they purposely crowded around me. I wiped my tears and said:" I'm fine. I'm just really disappointed with the poor acting job but anticipating the next performance in 4 hrs". They looked at eachother and laughed. They realized I was on to them. I was released the next day.
The thing I had couple years ago was that I wanted to end my life after a lifetime of discrimination, bullying and harrashing by the others, NT people. I have always had mental health problems. That horror of being bullyied for all my life became too much for me. I just wanted it to end!
Living was a hell to me.
After some time I found my faith in Jesus. Now I want to live, the bullying and harrashing has never stopped.
Thank you for this great video!!
I believe in Jesus too. In a way i want to live but sometimes i dont because i cant live in a way that makes me feel safe and happier on a consistent basis.
@@etcwhateversafety and happiness are never a constant. NT people are just better at not letting that fact get to them. Fools! Don't they know that none us are safe?!...and at the same time that each of us is worthy of a comforting word, a good time and security. Because those things are true as well.
I believe in Jesus too and I am Autistic, God has saved my life
You vocalizing the thought process we go through with regard to suicide is so incredibly validating.
Yes, knowing there’s a way out if I need it is bizarrely comforting- otherwise I feel trapped in addition to all of the other struggles I endure.
I grew up in the sixties and if I had been diagnosed as autistic then I would have most likely been cast aside or put into an institution which is what they did back then, so its bittersweet. I realised on my own at the age of 63 that I was autistic. I was officially diagnosed at 64 in November 2022 as autistic level 2, and with general and social anxiety. I’m now turning 66 in a couple of weeks and lead a reclusive life with my spouse. I am currently awaiting an assessment in April for C-PTSD.
I tried to take my own life a couple of times when I was in my late twenties, and I have been suicidal on and off most of my life. I don’t know if I will do it again or succeed but I do know I won’t tell anyone as I didn’t before. To live 3 quarters of my life without knowing was terrible and constantly wondering what was wrong with me. My story is a long one so I wouldn’t even try to tell it here, but it is up on my website. My heart goes out to anyone who is trying to navigate this. 💜
What is your website? I have a similar story in that I was born in the sixties and got a late diagnosis. I am also grateful in one sense that I wasn’t diagnosed as a child, as my best and probably only real friend, was sent away as a kid and I never saw him again. I also have c-ptsd, however, I’m not bothering with a diagnosis as I already know I have it. I’m suicidal right now but can’t watch the video so I’m reading comments instead.
I am 63 and realized I was Autistic about 6 weeks ago. I am also grateful that I was not diagnosed as a child for the same reasons. I spent most of my childhood terrified that someone would find out that I was "broken" inside.
My suicidal activities started at 16 and I believe hormones are one of the triggers. I was very actively suicidal on and off for about 25 years but eventually when I was even a failure at suicide I gave up trying. I was patiently waiting for MAID (Medically Asssisted Dying) in Canada to open up for my category which occurs this year. Already had my paperwork filled out.
Not really sure what I am going to do when the next bout of depression hits (usually every 2 to 3 months.)
I was also somebody who always tried to hide when actively suicidal as I did not want anyone to have the trauma of finding a messy dead body.
The discovery that the world is filled with people just like me has not been a relief in any way but who knows, maybe it will someday.
@@reneedevry4361 Its not legal in Australia for medically assisted dying unless you have a terminal illness and even then people have to jump through hoops. People here have gone to Switzerland because of this. If it comes to a time where I don't believe I have enough quality of life, I will be going down this avenue and will have to take care of it myself. I also don't wasn't someone else to have to deal with it. My husband is well aware of where I stand and knows I want to leave on my own terms. He said he would not be part of me dying so said don't ever ask me to kill you which I would never do anyway. I don't know why people think when we discover others like us we will feel better because it doesn't change the suffering. I have never met anyone in person my age who is autistic. I do think that elders like myself who discovered later in life they were autistic understand how much we have to unpack living more than 6 decades wondering what was wrong with us. This my story and I don't know but it may if anything help you feel more validated or not. About me - devakisokaris.com/art/a-about/?acc=y Autism and trauma - devakisokaris.com/art/a-autism-and-trauma/?acc=y
@@reneedevry4361 I have been suicidal on and off since I was at least 9 years old, but I think it was before that. I just went into an episode, but due to the meditation I do, I suddenly was able to simply observe the suicidal thoughts etc. And I calmed right down and realised I have been reacting all this time to my thoughts and feelings towards the suicidal thoughts and feelings, if that’s makes sense. I was then able to just stay in bed, only getting up to eat or drink. And slowly the feelings are leaving me.
I knew the law of what we resist, persists, but I never applied it to this situation before.
The meditation I do is vipassana. Which basically means, seeing things as they are and not as we want them to be. I’ve never practiced the meditation consistently before, but this time, after my latest course over the Christmas and new year period, I have practiced it most days at least once a day. And WoW - this is a massive step forward.
There is hope. I’ve got a long way to go to build a life for me after years of fear and confusion etc etc etc, all that comes with unrecognised autism and adhd, but I feel like I’ve truly made a break through. So don’t give in. Sending you much love 💞
I do sometimes wonder what my life would have been like if my diagnosis hadn't of been missed. Then I remember that the only treatment option they used back then was ABA, so in reality I wouldn't have been any better off.
Same reasoning here.
Great video. Spread the awareness!! Struggled a lot with suicidal thoughts as a child, held a razor to my neck in front of the mirror numerous times. 😔 the not understanding the difference compared to 'normal' others... the bullying... the agony of normal interaction...
Managed to lift myself out of this after puberty, thanks to parents and my one true friend. But I clearly remember how I felt as a child... 😢
What kept me from considering ending it all at my lowest point… was the clear presence of 3 people who i knew well cared about my wellness and wanted me in their lives.
Pre diagnosis I spent years in and out of the psych ward. I also spent a lot of time on the phone with the local acute care team (crisis team operated by the local health district). I was fortunate that I had a core group there that I could speak to. I had a couple of them on the team though that believed that I was just calling up to have someone to talk to if I didn't sound distressed enough (when I did sound emotional and really worked up that person would be fine with doing the things to calm me down again). It also didn't help that my way of bringing myself back down (very temporarily) was that after I blurted out all the things I then wanted to do shoot the breeze talk with them.
It also didn't help that I was given a BPD diagnosis and being inpatient is contraindicated so they would put me into PECC and the second I wasn't actively suicidal I would be discharged. It doesn't help you get on top of the things if your head is still all worked up and angry all the time.
These days it has been 5 years since my last admission and 2.5 years since my autism diagnosis. Having the ability to have alone time as I need it and not feel the need to put on a front to others that I can keep doing the things has been one of the big things. Post diagnosis having things like my headphones, glasses and fidgets helps me to started from a lower (on the 1-10 scale) point so that I have more spare resilience available when the things happen (cause the thoughts do still happen and at this stage of my life I think that it is just a part of me that I manage along with the rest of me).
I lost my little sister (the only person who truly saw me for me) to suicide and I wish I knew what I know now so I could've helped her. I look back at my pre-diagnosed self and I would always wish I could just flip a switch and be done with life but I never had the balls to 'go thought with it'. I get so overwhelmed with the thought of how am I going to continue existing here, I've freestyled life and its only brought chaos and trauma and I still don't know how people manage to build a 'normal' life.
You know... Everybody "freestyles" life.. nobody really knows
@@WhoAmI2YouNowthat’s not true. Maybe you’ve never met anybody who had a purpose in life and worked hard towards it. I don’t have one but it doesn’t mean others don’t, otherwise there would be way more suicides.
Same 😢
Thank you for having this important discussion Orion. A lot of times knowing we're not alone makes a big difference.
To anyone reading this, you are valuable and loved... the world greatly benefits from having neurodivergent people in it.
My ideation is almost funny and sad. I would want to die but I am incapable of hurting myself so being raised in the woods in the pacific northwest I would imagine suddenly there's a bear in my room. The bear would maul me because that's what bears do and run off.
Then I started worrying about the bear being hunted down not wanting it to suffer the thought changed and after the mauling a earthquake would hit and a big wooden beam would fall hitting the bear in the head killing it painlessly and instantly.
So now I realize that my situation involved a bear in my home an earthquake and a specific beam falling and had to laugh.
The sad part was that I was painfully mauled by a bear but the bear didn't deserve to suffer from just being a bear. So what makes me feel like I deserve the suffering so much?
I called my thinking as "death wishing" but I would not go act upon the feeling.
Being rejected most of the time in most places by most people, it is really hard to not feel this want to die.
NEVER would I call a crisis line, they are one step away from the worst experience of my whole life.
I try to ignore how I feel most of the time. Pretending everything is fine, is corrosive to the self.
Most of my life I hated myself, shamed and bullied and lectured and corrected and expected to be someone I'm not.
I want my autonomy.
I want autistics to be recognized as we are,
not as the stereotype of stupid :(
Yeah, i do agree with one thing that was said for autistics unlike nts. Suicide is seen as an exit strategy. It's something, we have been thinking about for years if not decades.
Thank you!! I’m struggling with suicidal ideation, I hate it and it’s something I’ve dealt with most of my life
Still waiting for an adhd/asd assessment so don't know if im autistic or not. Have dealt with depression and suicidal thoughts my whole life but of late It's changed and I no longer have interest in anything no drive no motivation nothing and as someone that is always doing something always running around doing things even when I had to push my self the last 10 years or so this is impossible to live with. Bored beyond bored but don't want to do anything, cant do anything, mentally and physically spent.
Same… I hope it gets better for you
Really, I never even would consider or think of suicide if I was not bullyied and harrashed for my lifetime. But at some point I could not take that bullying any more. Before going out first an hour telling myself that I will go now to the grocery, it is okay, they are only screaming but probably not going to hit me or other things.
So I would calm down and succeed going to the grocery.
Every day. Every day!!!!!
Orion, I think about the many undiagnosed autistic adults who don't have the benefit of validation and confirmation that comes with an autism diagnosis. Maybe they are the most vulnerable of us. And, which is why I'm beginning to believe that individuals diagnosed first with a typically co-occurring mental health condition to autism, such as anxiety, should automatically be referred for an autism evaluation. Thank you.
36:45 This is super relatable. It's so much easier for me to have friends than to make friends. This also makes RSD so much more devastating, especially if a friend group explodes.
It also makes moving cities basically impossible. Like, I've tried to move cities 3 times for school and work. Each time, I spiral into depression in a few months. I start out extremely drained from the move, which makes it harder to socialize, which, makes it harder to stay happy, which makes it harder to socialize, and so on... And of course, because of the way rent, school terms, and work contracts work, I'm just stuck being miserable for months or years. Then, when I finally get back to my home town, most of my friends have moved away. So, each time this cycle completes, I'm left with fewer friends and reasons to live. At this point, all of my friends are online, because you can't move away from the internet!
Never understood how calling a line could help me because I am not comfortable speaking on the phone. I often go nonverbal because it’s overwhelming.
What helps me is when I make myself available to be people going through the same thing. To give them what i am not getting myself. To treat them how I would like to be treated. I forget myself and my worries for a while as I do my best to brighten the other person's day. It isn't a cure but it stops me from wanting to die for a few hours.
apart from those hotlines utmost probably being operated by NT.s anyway, and gyn.cent ‘framed’ ones, for even worse. how would one expect them to ‘get’ anything !? how would any thereof, part of current culturally institutionalised misandry, truly care about (autistic) men ending their lives !? there are quite some yt-clips around on relatedly dedicated discussion panels where xx.s immediately diverting topic from male suicide stats into the usual ‘pay gap’ misinformation meme perturbations…
I dont know if i can watch the whole video.
But from me to all of you(not that i matter), I took my life 2 of january(I say i took my life becouse that was my intension). I am undiagnosed and have a very hard time living. I was found and brought to hospital. Now i cant see my child like i used to( coparent 60/40,me having 60%)
Everything is way worse now. I hate my self for what Ive done and an hour does not go by without thinking about it.
I committed myself to ward for 5 days. Here in Norway it can take a long time to get a therapist. in my case Ill be looked at one whole month after the fact. But I have no garantee to get the right help.
Please dont take your lifes. I know its hopeless. But for alot of us it helps to have a guy luike kelly and many other people with autisme to put things in boxes for us to understand more aboutb our self.
The hardest part is all the other people.
Thank you so much for the video! I'm a medical GP resident but i still have a lot to learn.
When i have suicidal thoughts (around twice a year now, after therapy and self growth) i often try my self soothing exercises, but if that doesn't work i text a friend.
Unfortunately last year i once texted my best friend that i did not want to live and he freaked out and said i was using him as a therapist and wasn't fair on him. He has since cut me out of his life. I didn't even talk or think about killing myself, just that i wanted to get away from life. All i wanted was a listening ear, and the suicide hotlines weren't really understanding why i was suicidal over failing my driving license. My friend leaving was such a traumatic experience i never told my friends again if i felt suicidal, which ironically is a much more dangerous tactic because now I'm forced to deal with my feelings on my own. Thankfully suicidal ideation is more rare now I'm on meds, but I've felt like a horrible person for a long time because of this.
Oh wow, I’m sad to find out about your friend. You will definitely be a very good doctor because many doctors act like your friend did, yet you realize that it’s wrong. I really appreciate the vibe of both of the guys talking. Thank you for sharing and I hope many more people realize what a nice person you are.
I understand where you've been. I had a friend like that too. I just wanted someone to care and listen and he told me I was too much and I was bad and he cut me off.
Since then I don't tell anyone about my true feelings. I want to but its too painful and anxiety inducing because I fear they'll leave and demonise me, just like both your friend and mine did
As a side note it's so awesome that you're a GP resident!! ❤
Radishrave9 Then they were not your friends in the first place or they would have selflessly been there for you and would have listened! Sadly most people are users and takers so we're your two would be friends x
What hope is there? I am visibily autistic and no one in my family ever told me. I have been severely bullied as a child and still face discrimination as an adult,I’ve experienced SA, never was able to mantain close friendships, my family while supportive have infantiled me and viewed me as inferior, and as a result I can’t do anything on my own. I did not even realize I was autistic until now (I am 29 years old) and it’s too late for change. If my family had told me I would’ve understood why people hated me so much for no reason and why everything was so much harder for me, I could’ve gotten help. To top it all off, I am unable to work due to motor skill issues and the government where I live gives zero shits about us, whatever money I get in I will barely able to use to survive and an official diagnosis costs thousands of dollars which I can’t afford. I attempted at 16 and I regret not being successful.
Im so sorry. It feels like a betrayal for sure. My parents honestly had no idea about autism. Now that im finally being helped at 34, she realizes shes very similar to me. My dad has diagnosed adhd. I do understand the part about wondering why people get aggressive with me...i had to get more aggressive than some to survive and i dont like it. I just wanna be me. Ive been working in corporations since 26 but having worst and worst burnouts as the years go by. All the stress triggered a genetic auto immune disease too. I have chronic pain also 😢 i think the hope is finding out what do you like to do as a special interest. What skills does it require. How could they fit a job. Honestly if the company doesnt respect the accomodations recommended when i finish the asd assessment i will quit. Because it makes me have toughts of dying. I wont be able to proceed working there. Im thinking it might be better to have a part time and earn much less. In my case i do like data entry type jobs. As long as i can do remote and having clear rules. And not being forced to socialize. Im in Europe and things here are improving in that sense but not everywhere. Im in southern europe and the majority of companies is still very old fashion. But idk i hope this sharing somehow helped you. I dont move so well either due to joint and spine damage. So i need the remote works.
It was really important for me that this lady I talk to understood that she needn’t call social services if I mentioned fantasizing about not being alive.
I wish it wasn’t so stigmatized to talk about with people because it only makes the feelings feel heavier and worse. Really appreciate this video it was really validating and really appreciate people in the comments sharing their stories as well
The overlap between autism and mental health is so great that ignoring either part is going to do a big disservice to the individual.
54% to 94% of autistic people have one or more mental illness.
I was treated for mental illness for 30 years and felt like a failure because I didn't know that I was autistic and didn't know what was missing in my treatment.
Other people might not be getting enough help for mental health if they are labeled with autism first.
Both autism and mental health should be addressed jointly.
thank you for this video, seriously. i have autism as well as ADHD and have suffered suicidal thoughts/attempts since i was around 10 years old if not younger. as an adult now, i struggle still but understand myself much more and understand more how to keep myself alive despite those things for better or for worse.
something that has frustrated me as i get older is the utter lack of nuance in conversations about suicide- its alienating and makes me use unhealthy coping mechanisms due to the intense reaction whenever i express my ideation, which is nearly constant for me.
i consider it a part of myself and hiding it away or feeling shame or shunning or just feeling forced to keep it to myself, has just bothered me more and more. you both made so many points- sometimes actually down to the literal words used- are things i've expressed or thought for months now and its so relieving to hear someone else approach it this way.
anyone with a suicidal loved one, or anyone who also has a similar struggle, i really think would benefit from watching this.
For me not so much ideation, but the pervasive idea I'd be totally OK if I didn't wake up in the morning.
Ideation mathematics: Childhood trauma (Cptsd) + undiagnosed AuDHD + 50 years = Zero f*¢ks left to give.
Need this on a t-shirt.
It’s a really simple equation really. Only took 25 years for me (with some chronic pain/illness thrown in).
Should put this on a t shirt. Make people more aware.
Add legal troubles about 22 years ago then having a covert narcissist for a wife for 15 years, losing everything in the divorce because she convinced the judge that you are crazy while spinning a plausible story based on the drug case years prior. That was 6 years ago . Gutted destroyed and broken.😢
I feel like that meme with a little guy taking a bunch of balloons and floating away as he flips the bird at everybody. I care a great deal about people. But most people are terrible people who will gladly exploit me until I am no longer of use.
@@Anotherhumanexistingother people are never going to care. Wear that t-shirt for yourself. Have one custom made and have them 'mirror' all the letters. That way, you wear it and nobody will understand what it says but everytime you see your reflection in a mirror or a shop window; you remind yourself that you are your own best friend and that you are the one giving zero fucks: what business is it of others? They'll find out if they try you. No need to warn them. Give zero fucks😉
This is so comfoting I am not alone with suicidal thoughts...❤ Thought about it like million times...but it's neverending battle. Life vs. death...for now, life is winning, even if I don't know why..
Thank you for this video❤
One of my closest and oldest friends has been struggling with suicidal ideation for at least a decade now and there is just no end in sight for him. He’s autistic with a bunch of other mental illness and his support team isn’t the greatest. My heart just hurts so bad because I can’t help him. I try to be there for him the best I can, but I just feel like it’s not enough. For the last five years I’ve been scared that any day something could happen.
Having survived my last serious suicide attempt (barely) early in 2009, after my second marriage had disintegrated and I had lost touch with my young (at the time) children, AND I had become an out of control drunk due to the major depressive episode I was experiencing at the time combined with the loss of the disability based SSDI income I had received prior to the marriage, AND considering that this attempt was towards the tail end of 2+ decades of extreme daily suicidal ideation, one could say I have a few views on the subject.
After waking up in the hospital from an OD that I very well almost didn't wake from (10 hours of heavy chest compressions, I was told; my sternum hurt sooooo bad) and realizing that I was still here, in this life, and thus my primarily emotional pain was not going to be quite as easy of a thing to step out of as I had thought, that it was something I had to figure out a way to learn to deal with, something inside of me I think snapped, and gradually, over the next few years, I somehow developed certain strategies and personally chosen beliefs about the nature of reality and meaning of life that I feel have made all the difference in my continuing existence.
One of the things I started doing is really akin to counting ones blessings, I just now realized lol, and that is I started making lists of all the things we get to enjoy in corporeal physical existence (that I Blbelieve we don't have direct access to when we are non physically oriented, ie.. dead) and making statements like, "bacon, yup, bacon makes it worthwhile to be alive" and this strategy somehow seems to have worked. That and my father's statement that suicide is a "permanent solution to a temporary problem", a statement that is all too true.
Some of the things that are on my list of reasons to continue existing here and not end the game early, so to speak, include bacon, as I already mentioned, chocolate, cheese, the sunset, the smell after a fresh spring rain, the smell of dust, the satisfaction gained from completing a job well done, the enjoyment I get from just so many disparate things, events, and experiences that I don't believe we get to experience when we're "on the other side of the veil", as it were. This combined with my chosen adopted belief that we are a self aware portion of a living breathing and fully responsive Universe that truly wants us to experience fulfillment and happiness, have enabled me to find, if not happiness ,at least contentment, in my life.
I have personally found that the fastest way, hands down, to get out of ones own personal emotional traps is to find someone else who's in even more of a predicament or emotional or physical pain than you are and find some way to help them. It's hard to feel sorry for yourself when you're actively engaged in helping someone else, at least in my experience.
AND if all else fails and the ideation is bothersome, just smoke a joint!!!! It seems stoned and suicidal are practically mutually exclusive states, at least in my experience. Namaste' all and thanks for the topic, Orion!
Note: I have come to the conclusion I am more than likely an Aspie, as I've seen very smart people with ASD referred to, which was completely missed due to the fact that they simply weren't looking for that sort of thing in my generation, especially not in girls, and although I still haven't gotten a formal diagnosis, many who have known me closely for years tend to agree I am almost definitely on the spectrum. Hopefully I can get in to see a specialist soon. Wish me luck. 🤞🏻
I’ve had life long suicidal ideation. I thought about it before I understood what it meant as a child. I attempted once as an adult but was saved. Many years later I was admitted when I was in therapy. That therapist told me I was likely on the spectrum and after researching I agree. I love watching your channel and I’m glad you made this video. I feel validated and less alone.
The FIRST and ONLY time I sought help at the hospital, (which I might add was during a time I was going through a tough time with a former employer, AND resulted in an injury claim...and messed up my life since), and my experience was being placed in an ER room, when I felt completely overwhelmed around 3:00am. I was left mostly alone for 12 hours, with no food, drink etc, and only near the end when I finally had someone arrive, about 10 hours after I arrived...blamed it on high coffee intake, and the industrial actions! Even when I was being discharged, and being unsteady on my feet, NOBODY was aware that I had been present without any food, AND my metabolic problems. If I had not brought myself drinks, and some sweets, I would have been in a much worse state.
I have spoken abut suicide in front of my GP with my mom being present, and I was speaking normally, but my mom was clearly emotional, and it seemed it was my moms 'emotion' which made an impact more than my 'words', because I seemed unemotional. I do feel that sometimes suicide is nothing more than a practical solution, just like the steps to build a project.
It is the OVERfeeling of circumstances that make me feel like a lemming, and to sacrifice myself for the greater good...by no longer being around, or a DRAIN on society! I think this was why I tried my best to 'passively' expire in my early days by climbing cliffs and all sorts. Damn, I wish I had joined the army as I planned in my early days, and I might not have to have written this comment! 😕
But I am glad you did because reading comments like yours helps others not feel like they are the only one feeling like this.🫶
Hi, I ended up in hospital when I had actively end my life with a terrible manner.
It had to do with a lifetime of being abused, bullyied and discriminated. That started as a small child, abused by father, and the bullying and worse are still today going on every single dat. I am 60+ old.
Because I am DIFFERENT, that is why!!!!!!!!!!!! This is a strange world. 🐸
Must be: I tried to end my...
It should be: every day.
@@rita.amstlv Sorry to hear of such horrible events. They are 'truly' events deserving to 'mess one up'. I hope you fought back, and eventually sought justice...and some closure.
Trying my best, and still alive. It's hard to wipe me away from the Earth! Because I found my faith and I have a humorous side as well!! Sometimes I just have to laugh about the weirdness of things.
Stay strong 🍀🌞🌠
Thank you BOTH for talking about this, and being UNAFRAID to talk about it! I'm 45, diagnosed only this past January, and only found your videos a few days ago.
And currently am seeing 3 different therapists/drs because I've been suicidal for 35 yrs and am taking active steps to complete it.
This video helped me see it's not a 'me' problem. I'm not sick. Being an unseen autistic breaks down the soul.
Thank you for so many things in this video. It's particularly helpful that you brought up just sitting with someone instead of trying to fix them.
My family called the police on me. I just really wished one of them had visited me. I know I'm like a good 45 minute drive from my closest member but.... 😢...
Yeah, the police have come for me too, to take me to the psych ward.
40+ years. My last expression of self autonomy. I read somewhere that ASD or maybe it was ADHD people are really successful when they express it. It is good that people like Jesse are addressing this and thank you for covering it.
Hi Orion, good news, this year starts good.
I finally feel stronger, maybe because I have the safety installation with cameras. That makes me feel so much safer! And the meetings are also going well, every week. The anxiety is not that heavy any more.
Thanks for great content!!!! I can see a ray of light finally 🍀
I've run out of last resorts. Tried suicide hotlines, support networks, therapy, and hospitalization. What I really need is financial aid so that I can stop devoting my limited energy to meaningless jobs and wallowing in the inevitable failure. I know I'm capable of greater things given the opportunity, but I can't afford a $2,000 (USA) diagnosis to get the help I need. Hope is illogical.
You might be able to find a cheaper diagnosis. I paid a quarter of that.
Yes, there is a difference between suicidal ideation and the desire to do those things - sometime hugely different. I have dealt with suicidal ideation my entire life - I think it would be fair to say that the "voices" of ADHD, when you have autism as well, contribute to the frequency of the suicidal ideation. You really need to watch how your mood interacts with those thoughts.. Also, suicidal ideation for me has been different than depression. Thinking thoughts about how I am a terrible person and that there is no hope for me is different than thinking about dying. For example, my mood does not have to be very low, or even low at all, for me to have ideas, images and even physical, kinesthetic feelings that would lead to self-harm. I do not see very well, and had to go through extensive visual training to attain depth perception. There are times when I am driving when I will feel dividers on bridges and other catastrophic possibilities feel as though gravity is pulling me in that direction. This has been very disturbing to me. My mother suffered from such things as well - she would see/experience car accidents that didn't happen, and she knew that they didn't happen... yet she experienced them anyways, with sight and sound and movement. There was no doubt that she was on the spectrum, abd by the time I got my diagnosis at age 40, her senility had gotten so bad that she could not be tested - some of that was from brain damage from suicide attempts.
- Because of my mother's history and stories, when I became actually suicidal, I had her take me to the hospital.
Everything went to 💩 is when i got married, having kids, "living life". As a teen and after giving birth twice. I has severe PPD. I was so close but didn't because of my kids. But today, im sick and tired of being alive. I know its a one off moment. It been an extremely hard week.
Society doesn't want a barely employable genderqueer autistic person.
They refuse to emphasize with me, so they tell me that I have no empathy and treat me as a danger, thus putting me in danger that has caused me harm over and over and over.
Why would I want to be a part of this?
Why would I want a part of any of this?
Why does everyone blame me for this?
Because a few people love me...
It hurts.
Am currently feeling suicidal BUT I am also aware that the overwhelm of anger, helplessness and hopelessness are feelings that I have repressed for the last 50 years and have never been able to express. The self harm I'm carrying out allows me to to feel the pain that I have never allowed myself to feel. It's not the most healthy coping if mechanisms but they are coping mechanisms that are keeping me alive until I get support. I'd rather be cutting myself than killing myself.
Hey! For those who struggle with active listening vs fix it advice: at the start of a deep convo I ask the person if they are wanting “hold the bag” time or “advice” time. And the same is true when I go to someone I tell them what I want from them and ask if they can/have the spoons.
Ex: “Hey friend, this week’s been really tough and I’d love chat with you. Do you have the spoons to go on walkies and hold the bag?”
It’s literally my favorite trick and my friend group has started adopting the practice/verbiage and it’s feels great bc I don’t worry about being a burden or I don’t worry about “fixing the thing” if they just need someone to listen.
Game changer 🎉
I wonder how much higher the rates for autistic people would be if they included self-diagnosed and undiagnosed people. Especially in older people who may be even more lonely than NT people.
I really needed this video. Thank you!
Music keeps me alive more than anything. When I was younger, the big pain was social - the loneliness, the bullying, the self-hatred. Now Im older I have no self-hatred, and my loneliness is nowhere near as bad, but the big pain now is physical and the fear that comes with the deterioration of my body. I dont want to endure the physical pain, discomfort, terror, embaressment, of medical intervention and prolonged illness. I hate it.
I totally relate to “lost generation”
Thank you for this very helpful video.
37:36 I needed connection all my life. With my brother and mother and father being very neurotypical, I felt like I was an alien... it wasnt until i met other autistic people, that the connections I craved all my life were finally there. I needed to connect with other autistics, as my connections with NT people rarely, perhaps, NEVER connect with me. I needed more autistics in my life to feel better about myself. My very first suicide attempt was last year (after decades of death wishing, and not ever attempting)... And the one person I spoke to to help me with my desire to put an end to myself, mocked me. She said "what you gonna do, hold your breath until you turn blue?" I felt let down, by the person who is supposed to make sure I have enough food to live.
I'm going through a difficult transition from thisone advocate who fails me so many times, to a new advocate, but we are being hindered by paperwork. I need help navigating the NT world, because I cant run away from the things that govern how I get my food. I'm in USA. It's really terrible here, I want to move away... but I cant afford it, and moving is far too complex, beyond my abilities to navigate, too much damned NT paperwork. We do need better supports than whatever the hell is being offered. To offer to drive me to a medical facility, feels like an offer to drive me to a fate worse than death.
Medical care where I live is beyond despicable. It is a fate worse than death. Been there, done that, I rather jump off a cliff next time, than ever go back to that pit of hell.
We need better understanding. We need acceptance. I want to put an end to the suffering so many of us are dealing with, for not being properly understood.
I want to live, but not like this, I suffer too much. Life has not been worth living with all the hell I have endured from typical treating me like I'm some worthless crying baby. We need better supports. Better lives, better understanding. As-is, I wish I was never born. But I carry on, because dammit I want life to be more delightful than this living hell.
Hope for 'better than hell' may sometimes be the only hope i have left.
I have attempted several times this year but then would feel bad about my cat and get help. I think about it regularly. I struggle with depression and anxiety and stress. The stats in uk is 1 in 10 autistics suicide highest of any disability . Life expectancy for none intellectually disabled is 59 we have councillors who invalidates autism diagnosis in this country and we get bullied , gaslit and not believed.
for as long as i can recall (maybe 8 yrs of age) my default response/coping when I was in crisis (meltdown, pre-meltdown) was S.I. - I dont think this will ever go away because i dont think my experience of emotions will change (big emotions + and - )Thanks for this video.
Excellent conversation about a difficult, but important topic. Spot on from my experience as an autistic adult having been suicidal and being in inpatient hospitals that were deeply disturbing and a sensory nightmare to be in. Great advice to be present and available and not trying to fix since it's usually excess negative emotion that needs to be released.
In my case it was that a lifetime of abused and bullyied took its toll. I only wanted the bullying and pain tot stop!!! I felt like dead already because the pain every day and that I barely dare to go out of the door. Only to go to supermarket is a hell of a job when you are bullyied and people scream: idiot, crazy, whore?!!!!!!!! to you and I am older, christian woman who lives quiet, boring life. What is wrong with those football hooligans???????????
Brutal.
I have been in the mental hospital twice. Once in 2019 and once in 2021, both for suicidal thoughts. The first time I went there, I was struggling a lot. I had bad grades and was being bullied by my peers at my school, my mom and I were being harassed and threatened by my biological dad and trying to recover from 15 years of abuse, and I barely had any friends. I have tried to attempt suicide at school and at home from 2018 to 2019. The second time, I was being bullied on Facebook from all different sorts of people, mainly for being a mentally disabled autistic person by other "autistic" people (whom were unempathetic to another autistic person when we're supposed to support each other), and I felt like a monster for being invalidated from people who I thought were my friends. I was always told "somebody has it worse than you" when I was a kid but when you have all of that weight on your shoulders from being bullied and abused all your life, you feel the need to take that pain away. I'm afraid of death and of dying. I sometimes still think those thoughts, but I have developed a lot of coping skills to help me with them.
Hey Orion. Thanks for keep on going. Your the best autistic channel ever!!!
The painful realization is simply this: There is no despair inherent in autism. It arises entirely from the pathological intolerance of people who can't accept that each person is an individual, unique and irreplaceable.
There are sound reasons for this, and to force everyone to assimilate or die is to become the protagonist in Poe's "William Wilson," who kills his rival.
_"You have conquered, and I yield. Yet henceforward art thou also dead -- to the world and its hopes. In me didst thou exist -- and in my death, see by this image, which is thine own, how utterly thou hast murdered thyself."_
Mankind _is_ murdering itself. In less than a century, it will have destroyed its habitat for fun and profit.
Autists can divert the headlong charge into the crevasse that lies ahead, but only if we are allowed to exist.
Im autistic and i was suicidal in college for a long time. It was from SA trauma mostly, but also people not understanding me or accepting me. Took me literal years of therapy to get over.
Great video. Thanks for sharing. As someone diagnosed with autism only in my adulthood, this theme really is a significant part of my experience.
Thank you for your content and bringing this subject to light. ❤
Thank you for tackling this subject.
Good video! Very important as well!
Really interesting conversation!
Thank you, Mr. Orion, for posting this yesterday. I know you have more going on than to notice any particular RUclips subscriber like myself, and could never have known anyhow, but this video felt like an acknowledgment of what was going on inside me these past days. And that was what I needed to see the world as “possible,” or hopeful, again. Thank you for what you do and for who you are. (Also, please thank your wife and family for supporting your efforts.)
🙏😊
Thanks again, Orion, for a very informative and interesting show. ❤
Thank you for having this important conversation. I'm mostly commenting to help the video's stats, I'd like this video to reach as many people who need to hear this as possible.
Thanks! I gotta take the kids to school now but will check this org for more training soon. Grateful!
Late (@51)-you all and your "late" at 28yrs is cute, as I am so ancient, though yes indeed it is a late diagnosis, I am certainly NOT deying that) high masking (first autism eval I logged my masked self in responses, so was told I am not) female (well, NB, but I am old, and was socialised female at a time very different from now. After a few years of therapy, I have "found my real self" again" and am still going through those stages of grief for the life I might have had, or not) Maybe this was not an ideal one to watch during a meltdown and other mad external factors out of my control (it is May 2024 and I live in Texas...) However, feeling so overwhelmed, I also felt I needed to watch this. I pretty much wept throughout the whole video, even though I was cuddling my cat and crocheting (2 of my supports). Listening to this, sitting alone, it make me cry, while bringing it up to my (new and excellent and probably neurodivergent) therapist I stay pretty calm... I appreciate how Orion bring up always being "the weird version of...". Yeah, absolutely.
I have lived with suicidal ideation my entire life (as long as I can recall anyway). As Jesse says, in some creepy way it is comforting, like "well I always have the option". Yeah, the "relief"from feeling exhausted , overwhelmed and done, means life being over would probably fix that issue. Knowing that I am not alone in questioning who might be a safe person, a non-judgmental person who might actually not add to my burden, sometimes in and of itself adds to my burden (because it just makes me feel more alone, because I cannot actually think of one, was helpful. I would agree, if I understood right, that the deep loneliness an autistic person feels, is parallel to suicidal ideation. My ideation is strongest when I feel like I do not want to ever be with people, because what is the fuxing point? The crappy doctors heaping more crap on the crap pile totally resonates. Indeed, in a weird way, trying to fix things (in general) also adds to my crap pile. The hamster on coke that scurries in circles around my brain gets agitated by the lack of solution to a problem. In difficult moments the hamster just cheers on my suicidal ideation (my drug-addled hamster is such a b@$tard!)
i weaponize shame to block out ideations. unsure if this is healthy but it keeps me looking forward
think about the legacy of shame and get embarrassed. participating in life is fun
I have never thought of ending my own life, but I think a lot on just not existing anymore. As a woman recently diagnosed (36) I always felt that I was never enough, not pretty enough to deserve love from others, not caring and cute enough to compensate the lack of a pretty face. So no caring and love came my way, neither as a child. When it was mentioned that the number for autistic female SH were much higher. It makes sense, because if you are not a cute, caring and loving woman, society literally discard you as someone not worthy of love/care. When I ask to some male with autism, they rarely suffer too much from masking, and they are much more accepted or rather tolerated I would say. Fortunately I found a loving husband, but we struggled a lot, because I'm miles away on what is expected from a female. I guess he had to lower his expectations to stick around. It is sad honestly, it feels like my whole existence is just suffering for me, and others around.
This is me.
I relate so much!!
I wonder how I got recommended this in the first 25 minutes without having any clue about who you are i will watch it all the way through tho.
I've been struggling with this so much lately. I just cannot see a way for anything to get better, I'm really in a hole. I have four boys, I've thought i could successfully rationalize with the older ones (19,17,16) that I'm just not supposed to be here, but my 5yo, absolutely not. I couldn't do that to him ever, but it makes the pain infinitely worse. My biological mother committed s***ide, as did my fiance, my youngest son's dad. I'm so jealous of them i could throw up.
I got diagnosed last week 🙌
Thank you ❤!
Thanks!
Great comment thank you
My only hope is in Prime editing. We are not different, we are disabled. Yes disabled. 😡
So glad you covered the topic of suicide. It is so important!
Thursday night I drank a bunch of beer at took a bottle sedatives, clearly it did not work. I'm gonna keep trying till it sticks though.
My 22 year old autistic son took his life just last October 2023.
I worry telling people I’m having suicidal thoughts will just get me put in a straight jacket and locked away in a mental asylum getting frequent shock treatment which would be worse than suicide
Lost my job again; self diagnosed autism. Don't want to live anymore; what's the use?
Don't give up. If you can't hold a job (very difficult). Consider DX. , and apply for Disability. Don't beat yourself up. Pray 🙏 for direction. Call on the name of JESUS. 🙏🙏🙏
@@dorothysweatt2857 Thank you for your encouragement. I am however, living in South Africa where Caucasian/White males are being heavily discriminated on, especially in the workforce. We are not a first world country and trying to get government support is basically a lost cause. Thanks again for your prayers and I also trust that Father God will carry me through. Dorothy, may Christ Jesus bless you too.
❤
Is this where mental institutes are now? maybe not everyone but the more ideal situation for clinics.?
Some speculation about the high rate of suicide among autistic women and really just our unfortunate rates in general:
We autists tend to be very black-and-white and, in our own way, very pragmatic. Women in general have higher rates of suicide _attempts_ but a good chunk of the time aren't doing something likely to actually kill them. An autistic woman with a fairly black and white way of thinking of things, however... the thought becomes "why would I just down a bottle of pills if that isn't actually going to work?" That becomes much more dangerous in a multilayered way, because it reduces the chances of really dire "signaling". More likely for the first attempt to be the only attempt. (I'm not trying to pigeonhole women, this can be true for anyone, just statistically speaking)
And along the same lines, speaking personally, that pragmatic, black and white way of thinking + a distinct lack of "contribution to society" in the traditional sense leads to a profound sense of worthlessness. Like you're just a resource drain, and that there's only one clear solution to that.
I tried 4 times. I was usually in the hospital when I attempted though.
Im 41 and trying to get a diagnosis, but the centre just keeps sending me the same forms to fill again and again.
I wish this had been around in Brisbane when I was 17. Sorry, Orion. I can't watch it all right now. But I will come back to it; it's too important to skip.