Coping with grief from a narcissistic relationship
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- Опубликовано: 7 апр 2022
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Even after a year of no contact, I still find myself grieving “what could have been”….but I still have the cognitive dissonance between “what could have been” and “what I now realize in hindsight, never could have been”.
Well written.
It's almost been a year of no contract for me as well. I still think about it a lot but you're right. 10 years
Same😔
I’m with you. Next week will mark one year NC, but I feel weak for still having days filled with sadness of the loss of what I thought I had (love bomb manipulation )and the future I believed was ours to come (future faking manipulation ). I “know” now it was all a lie, but that almost makes it worse. I’m missing an illusion!! But each day gets a little better.
To all of you, there is a somatic effect from narcissistic abuse. I have found a couple of natural compounds to help me through: organic Lion's Mane mushroom supplements (my trusted source is Longevity Botanicals) and Lemon Balm, (currently I use a tincture, raw leaves from my plants (seasonal) and tea). This help the body cope with the anxiety and depression that stems from the abuse. It's a crucial step to recovery.
"You are not grieving over them. You are grieving over the process of loving someone who did not deserve you". Genius. Thanks for all your wisdom this really really helps.
Someone who never existed. It's so hard.
sometimes I feel like people who've undergone narcissistic abuse should just gather together and cry for an hour then give each other long hugs and just sit in silence, it's so hard to get through it alone, especially with people who don't fully understand the concept. I'm yet to get out of my relationship coz it's quite hard, the abuse cycle is real. Lord give me the strength to walk away once and for all and never look back. Amen
Praying for you.🙏❤️
@@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723 thank you, Amen
Amen. 🙏
I like your idea.
@@carmnose thank you, I know what it feels like to be alienated from the world, we need to be there for each other.
🙏🏼
I healed more quickly because of watching your videos, and Sam Vaknin’s videos, non-stop for weeks on end. I learned that the loss and grief were so profound because there were years of good times mixed in with the bad times. It was a juxtapose of feelings and sense of loss, yearning for the few good times. Thank you Dr. Ramani for giving me the insight and strength to move on!! ❤️
Check out Dr les Carter! Surviving narcissism channel 🔥🔥
Unfortunately, its not your fault these people have deep deep issues and can't face them. When they find kind hearted folks like us they find the validation in that and involuntarily do anything in their power to keep things in that place b/c its hard for them to face the truth that comes with growth and change.
Check out HG Tudor
I did the same, watching videos for weeks, and I thought I was through 2 months ago, but now, after 6 months the grief came back big time...so strong that I seriously consider reaching out to her and see if she maybe changed (I know, probably never gonna happen... but still my heart yearns)
Sam Vaknin is a diagnosed sociopath (might be psychopath. I forget, but it was diagnosed a while ago under old terminology). Please be careful listening to his ramblings. He does make some good points but his degree isn’t actually real. It was bought from a certificate factory. Research the guy further before taking advice from him or absorbing his teachings. Please be careful who you are taking psychological info from. His cold therapy or whatever he was calling it is just another form of abuse.
i grieve that i allowed this person in my life. i’m still working on forgiving myself. the disrespect, abuse, lies, and manipulation- i don’t want to ever experience this again. i am working on myself and making myself better. this was life changing for me.
I can relate. My soon to be ex husband (Covert Narc) together for 25 years married for 19. I become so angry sometimes because I think about multiple incidents or situations and think, was that real or was that female he introduced me to or brought into our home really his cousin like he said. At times I find myself second guessing our entire life together. So much so I try to keep busy when I start ruminating. It's difficult realizing I've given everything, all of me to this person and it was all just one big lie. I cant get all those years back, it angers me.
@@Qd322 i feel ya, now when i think about there were two incidences that stood out to me. one, when i pulled up to the coffee shop. i saw a woman outside with him, but they were walking away from each and behaved like they didn’t know it other, i wondered about that. two, he would talk in the third person about how his friends were cheating on their wives, my gut feeling, now, he was talking about himself. i took so much disrespect from him. it’s like i want to date, but i don’t want to date. i’ve come to realize there are some real predators out here. i am comforted by the fact that i won’t ignore red flags, and take my time getting to know someone..
This explains what I’m feeling exactly
@@vanessaspeaks I listen to Dr Ramani a lot, she is very helpful. I’ve been thinking about her last two videos. one, it is not your fault for your abuse, even if you did date this person. i always knew something was wrong. i also knew that i did far more for him than he did for me. it never made any sense why it was never enough until i realized it wasn’t me. two, i’m not interested in seeing this man ever, ever again. three, i see where my blind spots, it is very important to know your weaknesses because narcs will scan you like a document to use them against. i can honestly say that i’m in no hurry to get involved anytime soon. right now, i’m working on making my life better.
@@bagels3050 ♥️ I really appreciate this and that’s exactly where I am too. Just focusing on myself.
Never getting closure makes it all hurt so much more.
Facts! I’m going through this now. We have a one year old son and she’s 5 months pregnant now and discarded me and moved out while I was at work. Then she blocked me without even a conversation on what the problem was! Smh… how could anyone be so cruel to anyone else
Not getting closure should be your closure. A narcissist tries to avoid closure to leave a door of possibility open for your potential supply.
Their refusal to allow you closure IS the closure
I'm going thru this now. I was initially happy being free, now the grief has kicked in.
This is so raw for me now. The immense grief and mourning process that I am undergoing is unlike any other grief or loss. Fourteen years with a covert narcissist has damaged my sense of self. It's true, we no longer know who we are. My hope for everyone here is to heal and reclaim your life and yourself. But my god, it's so hard to suffer the realization that we have endured and lost so much. Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for your dedication to education and healing.
I got out. There were so many loses after 17 years. But the is bright and beautiful life afterwards. I've grown so much thanks to Dr Ramani! Love her wisdom!
@@sandrapisarski6597 I feel encouraged by your hopeful outcome. It is so affirming to read everyone's comments and stories, especially the ones that turn out well. Those who are in it know very intimately how painful and confusing the process is. This community is truly a lifeline.
Me too I was with a Malignant narcissist and he was extremely abusive and I left a year ago and I still trying to get past it
I am exactly where you are. I packed his things and made him leave two days ago. I often experience emotions two-three days later and today the grief seems overwhelming. The timing of this video is impeccable and divine.
@@jamikay72 It *is* overwhelming! For whatever it's worth, I commend you for the courageous act. May you encounter loving support and understanding in the time to come.
The sadness over the wasted years. I was born into a home with a narcissistic mother. A toxic father. I chose relationships with narcissistic men because it was familiar. In a way I was immune to toxic behaviour. In the sense that it did not impact my self worth. However after 42 years of life in these toxic patterns I found the answers as to why life has always been so hard on this channel. I realized I was not immune but I had suppressed all my feelings so I could carry on. Grieving the loss of so many years of tolerating toxicity because I believed that was simply just normal.
I have gone no-contact with every single narcissist I have ever been in a relationship with or known.
After decades of fight or suppress mode, I’m finally understanding how to process my own feelings in real time.
It is overwhelming. Thank you Dr. Ramani for always being a source of validation that I’m on the right path.
I pray you are doing well. You just described myself…every bit of it except I just turned 50. I, too, am just figuring out what has driven me ALWAYS to be in dysfunctional relationships. Thank God my eyes are now being opened & for Dr Ramani! Best wishes to you for continued growth & healing.
5 years no contact. Grieving a person who never really existed, a person manufactured with manipulation and gaslighting and enablement, feels like flying in a whiteout. With no bearings it’s hard to know which way is up.
well said! Thank you
❤
In the same boat right now, this man was just using me for his entertainment while probably having a whole other family in a different city, he would always get these phonecalls when we were together n he would ignore them or answer them in a different room, he claimed it was his sister n I believed it because he convinced me he wanted to be with me but he was sometimes so mean and rude, dismissive and kept negotiating boundaries instead of respecting them. He ended things after getting what he wanted and I was a mess, tne wound is still fresh n I hate that I can't get passed it I'm so angry, I just want relief I feel stuck
Oh. Dr. Ramani.... PREACH, girl!!! I Grieve every decision I didn't make because I was so busy trying to compromise and find common ground, not realizing I could never compromise because it was their way or no way. Oh, all the decisions I never made on my better judgement!
Yes! I'm grieving all those lost opportunities. All my creative babies that didn't get to be born.
Same here.
Same girl, same. His way or " there's the door."
@@suzanne4396he literally said to me several times “if you don’t like it, there’s the door.”
It took me a year to be angry, a year to grieve and a year to heal and feel relieved to have the narc sister out of my life. It takes time and introspection and work. The peace I feel is the end result. It’s great!
Thank you, Mary. I'm so angry and sad and exhausted. I'm still waiting on peace and rest in my soul.
@@shelleykapp9637
It will come. This is the hard part.
@@maryswanson9982 ❤
Thank you for that timeline. It makes sense. I keep thinking I should be further along and yet when I look back, I am so much better than I was. But some days I feel like I rapid cycle, one minute feeling grief, then anger, etc. much of the anger has passed, but I still see those emotions as hindering my healing.
AMEN 🙏🏼
I have been grieving for the husband I THOUGHT I had but never had. I will never know who he really is--I don't think he knows. I'm out of the marriage now--I have a renewed sense of who I am and what I believe. I spent 32 years in that marriage--that is part of the grieving process as well--what might be lost years.
IT's never too late to escape and start anew!
Thank you for the encouragement!
I feel the same. I don't know him.😢
I was married to someone with NPD for 40 years. I left two months ago. I am still not o.k. These videos help. A lot of grief. I still love him, but I choose to say no more.
The grief is so intense. Praying for him has really helped me pull through this. Channel the grief into compassion for the soul wounds that create this monstrous behavior, and pray for their souls to heal.
I absolutely love this. Forgiveness is healing. Forgiving ourselves for allowing it for so long and even forgiving them and letting them go. ❤️🩹 Going through this now
I’ve tried praying for mine too, and I’m agnostic. It’s cathartic and also a form of compassion I recommend
Amen🙏🏼
I was going to have a memorial service of sorts, but then my therapist said ‘in your mind, walk him to a doorway filled with light (divine light). Push him through the door and into the light. Then close the door.’ If I recall, I think she said slam the door! That helped break the cord attachment. Jesus met him at the door. My work is done.
This is exactly what I’m going through now. The grief is strong and horrible. My dad and sister are narcissistic and my mom passed a few years ago. She wasn’t narcissistic and I miss her greatly. I feel completely alone as I consider if it’s necessary to go no contact with my dad. I’m already no contact with my sister. Having narcissistic people in the family is pretty rough.
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I just broke up with a narsc and feel horrible. Cant even imagine what you are going through.
so sorry.i too have now healed from a narc lover.he totally refused to go,he could even jump over in the compound where I live.we fought bt finally he bowed down simply becoz because I too played mad,I no longer care if he himself don't care.all the best.
Sending you love x
I understand. Remember. Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. It's hard when it's your immediate family. You're going to make it.cant I did.
I did
I'm currently in the process of grieving not only from a narcissistic relationship itself. The narcissist who I was in the relationship with ended his life about a day and a half after I ended our relationship. It's confusing to miss someone, yet be angry with them, feel betrayed and still hear their voice in your mind putting you down. his gestures were always grand, his insults bigger. I've been listening to at least of your videos a day for a couple of weeks now and they have helped me a lot.
Grief: the loss of everything!!
I feel like Job:
Loss of-
40 year marriage
45 year relationship,
2 grown children,
a grandson,
2 churches,
all of his family,
many friends,
my reputation and good name, my home,
my neighbors,
the ability to work in my profession,
financial stability...
He set me up and I am fighting in court.
What I gained:
A strong relationship with God- my faith, 2 loyal dogs, and 5 true friends.
Each day I heal and
put one foot in front of the other.
In the end Job was blessed
and I have faith I will be also.
All for God's glory!!🙏🙏🙏
I put in my earbuds and listened to your videos hours a day for a very long time, repeats helped me absorb the informantion. Just hearing your voice gave me hope & peace, someone actually understands and believes me!! I am not too touchy (they were mean). Don’t dwell on the bad (so much was bad, but reserved for me without the presence of anyone else - no witnesses). When reading the comments I found there are so many of us! I believe I will always listen to you. 💕
There needs to be a support group for people that are or have been in a narcissistic relationship. It's different than a normal relationship. I still get angry at times over what was done!!
In a way I started to like the grief. It felt good to process all the stuff knowing it would help me to step into a better future. Yes, it's hard, but fruitful🙂🌱🌼🧡
It's been 3 years and I'm still grieving. I was married for 37 years when I ended it, not to mention I met him when I was 14 years old. It is a process and to realize everything was based on a lie and they never really loved you, that's hard.
🙏
Omg...I'm really sorry this happened. 37 years is massive enough to think you're meant to be together...❤
@@jackolantern8315 thanks 😊
I need this so badly right now. I’m one week out of discard and I feel like I’m dying. Can’t eat, can’t sleep, nonstop ruminating and I can’t focus on anything. It’s so sad considering every single other part of my life is wonderful and in control
Ken check out h.g Tudor as well as Dr Ramani it might help
Hey Ken, you know I have benn discarded many times before. Everytime I got hoovered back After 2 Werks. It went well for some time and the devaluing and discarding started again before I knew. Finally today after 2 yeara I ended thinks and am petrified. What i have learned from the hoovering (8 times) is nothing was genuine. So, I know. What hurts is probably the feeling of it could have been different. But it never will be!!
Watch Richard Grannon, he put out a lot of really helpful stuff...helped me so much to get it from a guy. Other than that, stay strong and go to the gym daily. It helps.
I feel you, it is heartbreaking. Been sadly there multiple times, but I can assure you it gets better. If you manage to break the cycle and "use" this window to escape, I garantie the "fog" will start dissipating and you'll feel good with yourself again, stronger than before. wish you all the best!
Dear Ken, I know the engulfing pain you are in. I was there very recently.The cliché is true: it does get better. The key is allowing yourself to feel all of the wretched, airless, horrible feelings of this: the most intense hurting you may ever have experienced in your life. This pain is REAL and INTENSE. The trauma bond is TOUGH. It's a real trial by fire, and does feel like dying. But it will get better. Trust me. I couldn't eat, sleep, couldn't focus on anything but the tragedy of losing the relationship. I withdrew from virtually all of my family and friends. My parenting skills went down a few notches: I just didn't have the bandwith. Took lots of time off work. Replayed the shocking blindsiding convo over and over in my mind. I couldn't function, except to sit and stare and cry. It was like an alien take-over! I was so in love with my narcissist, that I truly couldn't imagine life without him, and I couldn't bear the thought of him with the new gfs that he had already lined up before totally blindsiding me out of the blue.
But doing the work is the cure: I found 3 trusted confidantes among my friends, found low-cost therapy, I'm writing extensively about my feelings in my journal, distracting myself with projects (paint the kitchen, declutter the office, learn a coding language...) and-most of all-I amt turning all of the love and attention and time and energy I used to pour into him, into ME, instead. I realized that I missed myself SO MUCH! And am finally recognizing myself in the mirror again. No more alien take-over. Healing takes time, but it is worth it. You'll see. You will come through this. You will come back to life. You are not alone. I'm sending you strength and wishing you well.
OMG what you said I totally relate to! When I finally got out of the toxic relationship after 7 years, I didn't really grieve the relationship, I grieved lost career and life opportunities, I grieved all the lost chances with other potential partners that I might've met, instead of the douchebag I was in a "relationship" with, I grieved letting my health get bad because I was so depressed because of the relationship.... there was so much that I grieved and that tipped me into the worst depression of my life after I ended things, when I finally realised that the a-hole that I wasted 7 years on just moved onto the next person in 2 WEEKS without any kind of regret or apology or feeling, it was so messed up! And I think I also grieved not listening to my gut feeling and instead just deluded myself that there would be change and things would get better.... Thanks for this video, it makes me feel just a bit better that my reaction was normal and yes I am healing bit by bit day by day,....
Keep pushing forwards Jonathan. Day by day, choose your own life. Make yourself the number one project. Be determined to put right the wrongs for yourself. I am on the same journey as you my friend. Not every day will be a good one, but we are free and will thrive. good luck to you.
This is what narcisistic people do....they immediatly Go for Somebody new or sometimes even commit suicide because they are Not able to be without a Partner to Start the Same Thing again...
YES!! His reconnecting with a female friend from his teen years, -- 27 years ago -- and starting a " great relationship with a girl 👧 🙄🙄🙄 ( she's 44!!) that I'm Really into " bothered me the most. He did it withing 3 weeks of my ending it and blocking him. It hurt.
But -- a zebra doesn't change its stripes - eventually he'll be the same with Her. His way or the highway, the invalidating, the dismissiveness and most of all, the constant, never-ending pathological LYING -- he'll never change, he'll never be a Good man. He'll never be forthcoming with the Truth or be 100% honest. An example: he's in a " great relationship & shes so awesome" but he STILL contacts ME to " get together at a hotel... for, well, you know what.. So
Still being a Cheater, still being unscrupulous and Entitled. I have to remember that; and
I hope you do, too. Sending you strength!!!
Week 1 into separation from my husband narc. We have children together so no contact is not possible. These videos have been my saving grace this past year preparing me and educating me. This week I have felt emense sadness this week and was confused about why. I was the one who wanted the separation, so why was I sad? This video explains why now. I'm grieving the loss of it all. The good, the bad, the what is, what could have been, what I missed out on, and so much more. Thank you so much for every video!!
You've got this. Stay safe, be as wise as possible, forgive yourself past choices and take your time
I hear you and see you, having just gone through this. Our kids are grown, so little or no contact will be possible. Your grieving will end and you'll have joy and peace in a new life with your kids. Cheering you on.
Being that it's my mother, i go from sadness to anger. Sadness for the fact i never experienced a loving nurturing mother, that i was rejected by my father and wasn't protected. And anger at myself for allowing it, and anger to family members who pushed it under the carpet.
Sadness that i'm alone with very little tools and so much wasted time. If it wasn't for the fact i have a child, i would probably be dead. My love for him gives me hope. Love and perseverance is the only tool i have to go forward with.
Please be very kind to yourself you both deserve peace and happiness and reach out and ask for support from professional people let go of the anger it will take your energy Please do ask gp for counselling very best wishes to you both
I grieved while in a relationship: I grieved the loss of the person I thought that I was in when it became apparent that this was a false persona. By relationship’s end, I had moved from grief and upset…. to anger at all of the entitlement and manipulation that I had been (and was being) subjected to… Anger was a protective shield for me: it helped me to cut right through the gaslighted fog. It got me out of a bad dynamic. I do not see anger as a negative emotion in this situation. Dr. Ramani: where does a non-narcissist’s anger fit in narcissistic relationships?
Hello! Good question. I looked up constructive anger once I realized I was mad. The bottom line answer was being mad enough to know I didn't deserve what I got, and ready to do something about it. I'm still in, but detached, indifferent, healing to a degree, and making plans. I hope you get other comments besides mine because (especially Dr. Ramanis' take on it). All good things to you.☔ ⛅ 🌈
same thing happened with me. Although I broke up w him only 6 days ago I was already grieving 2 months in the relationship... my anger lasted a few days during and after the relationship. Felt like shit until 3 days ago I believe? Now I feel pretty much neutral. But I know I'm healing
@@inesscrivo4036 That’s good - and congratulations on a healthy decision. 😊 💕 As for me, I have much longer lasting anger. When I left for good (there was hoovering going on prior), there was a last straw that completely snapped my “patience and goodwill” back. My Ex persisted in not respecting my boundaries, despite multiple verbal and written requests to give me space, so I went no contact. If I’m honest, I still feel negative about him many months later. He is persistent, game-playing, stalkerish type. I’m definitely not neutral.
@@inesscrivo4036 That’s good - and congratulations on a healthy decision. 😊 💕 As for me, I have much longer lasting anger. When I left for good (there was hoovering going on prior), there was a last straw that completely snapped my “patience and goodwill” back. My Ex persisted in not respecting my boundaries, despite multiple verbal and written requests to give me space, so I went no contact. If I’m honest, I still feel negative about him many months later. He is persistent, game-playing, stalkerish type. I’m definitely not neutral.
@@brassgal5039 my last straw was when he made me cry for the hundreth time and I was blowing my nose and he mocked me blowing my nose in the most childish way ever. That alone made me tell him "nah you're done." and after shouting at him how much I hate him and never want to see him ever again I blocked him everywhere. Everytime I miss him I think about him mocking my simple act of blowing my nose w a tissue and immediately turn off all my past feelings for him
It's scary to suddenly go from 'everything is good' to 'yeah this may be wrong' to 'this is NOT okay' in a matter of months and weeks. Being a pseudo golden child, It was really hard to see the toxic behavior when it wasn't always aimed at me. You get used to being the 'loved' one and feeling glad it's not YOU being attacked. The confusing and mental manipulation is crazy and grief hits when your realize you now know too much to play the same games with the narc over and over and over. I've been in the Healing program for a few months now and it has really been helping me. Eventually I'll reach a point where I can move on to a program with my church or something local to finish the journey, but right now being with others who understand the trauma and confusion is wonderful!
I'm grieving all the stuff I've missed out on as a child and now.
The abuse continues til today. I've accepted that I can only do what I can to protect myself.
My vulnerable narc father is still alive.. In his 90s..
When he dies, I'll also grieve the fact I didn't have a father who wasn't a rampant narc!
Give yourself another chapter in your book. I'm 64 and have dealt with this abuse since birth - literally. Then I saw a comment where a woman expected to ride what looked like the last turbulent wave and await death, as she was advanced in years. She looked around at her stuff, her life, her feelings, and said, "This isn't fair"! She decided before closing her story, she would give herself one more chapter. One that she would write, that she would live, and that she would remember. She did - and still is! I decided to do the same. It's my life - and they're not getting it all! I'm still 'in' but making plans, and doing better already. Better days ahead for you too, dear heart. ☔ ⛅ 🌈
It's sad he couldn't have just been nice to you but instead chose to be an adversary.
Even with 32 years of abusive marriage, he passed away 9 months ago and I’m still sad. The reality though if he were still alive, my torture would be ongoing. I am feeling some much needed peace in my life now, instead of chaos but he was the only person I’ve loved for my entire adult life, it’s hard to think of him gone permanently.
I’m sorry. 😢What mixed emotions you are feeling. I pray you truly find peace and fulfillment. 🙏🏼❤
@@Zoeybelle13 so kind.
Having highly narcissistic parents and then jobs with highly narcissistic managers took a toll. I've made incredible progress in my confidence over the last 6 years but sometimes around people I don't know I can freeze up from anxiety and need to get out of there.
Ecclesiastes (3:1-8) says:
There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven-
A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.
A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.
Amen
Yes, yes, yes! Im staying for financial and health reasons, but grieving the loss of what I thought my life would be and not being where I thought "we" would be at this stage of our lives.
I stayed for similar reasons, and left at my lowest point as I felt my life was in danger, I was being discarded and didn’t get it until, I finally figured it out. But, I want to add that although it’s been the toughest time of my 55 years, it’s the best gift I’ve ever given myself and turning out to be a gift to our mutual child, in many ways as well. My health improved, my finances dropped but I’m fine with that if it was the cost of the freedom I now have…. I pray you are ok? I don’t judge nor blame anyone choosing to stay for whatever reason, I did! For many reasons, Hope was one Big one, so I grieve that too. Wishing you all of the best.🙏❤️
@@itisfinishednowtimetoclean2723 you sweetheart! Thank you. I'm 65, married 38 years, and the puzzle pieces of what was going on only started to fall into place about 2 years ago. Boy, did it explain alot. I have a wonderful group of friends who keep me going. But there is no denying the toll it has all taken on me emotionally. Thank you for your kind words. I'm happy you found your way out. If I knew in my early 50's what I now know (that it wasn't going to get any better---hope, as you mentioned), I'd have made my exit.
I am staying for simular reasons. My husband has a chunk of money and after al his abuse I will be damned if I do not make sure to get a fair settlement. I remind him how much a divorce attorney for both sides would be etc I am now a few weeks away from being able to get a little less than half... I am ok with that. It is not a whole lot. But enough to help me and my son to start over. If people can not understand that, they can just mind their own business then! My husband was a serious malignant narc he loved to play his head games and even threw away, basically, a hundred thousand dollars of what is really... Should have been my money. And that was so hard for me to not be seriously even more pissed off with bitterness and hate towarda his despicable soul. He even managed to heve me lose such a strong sense of my own idently that I moved to another country with him... Again, if people think they could have done better, let them go though it and see how well thwy would have done. I always went back and forth, believing he was mentally abusive on purpose (not till several years into the marriage) and then times I would believe that he probably had the mental problem where they are like a child in the brain... There was times I would seriously believe it was not that he was vindictive but some other mental problem. People truly have no right to judge. And people truly do not know how difficult it is to be so emotionally abused by the spouse that is supposed to be your soul mate. 😢
@@yellowdayz1800 so true! Unless one experiences the insidious abuse of a narc, they haven't a clue of what you are trying to endure. I've stopped explaining to anyone except a very small (3) group of people who soooo have my husband's number. He gets NOTHING past them.
I have to stay with fam due to health and finances. If I could get out would. Distance gives more perspective. It's a relief *n some ways to see im not the only one who has to stay put ✌
Currently going through the healing process right now. It has been a long and painful Journey. And this person was so awful. We were in a relationship for seven years, he lied to me, he cheated on me, he had a completely secret life that I knew nothing about until 2 years ago. Cheated on me from day one up until the day he wants again broke up with me. So while I am grieving that and moving forward and trying to be the person that I was before I met him. I'm also going through a process of trying to quit drinking. Or at least not drink as much. I was never a drinker until I got with this person. And at first it was to fit in with him. Because that's what he did was drink. And then the drinking was to cope with the way he was treating me. And then each time he would break up with me the drinking was quite heavy. I would say in the last 45 years I have drank quite frequently and quite heavily. The longest I had went in the last few years without drinking has been 2 weeks. I am trying to do 30 days no alcohol. And I'm hoping that since he is out of my life it will be somewhat easier. But it is just dealing with all of these unpleasant emotions that lead to the drinking. Oh yes I guess you can grieve a very toxic relationship.
Suggest another YT channel that may help you understand how the pieces (trauma, addiction, upbringing) fit together: Tim Fletcher.
ruclips.net/user/TimFletcher
Never drank myself until i met him. Feel you
Much love. It’s a journey and isn’t linear. Feel it, understand it. It’s extremely intense grief.
Congratulations on your two weeks. It will get better.
I got myself off of Major pain meds with the assistance of my pharmacist’s knowledge, had been on those meds 10 years (methadone, for physical pain). You will look back and know your stronger than you felt, and wiser than you knew! For me I think myself quiet resilient as I tapered off those meds on my own, during stalking, grief…. You’ve Got This! Talk to a pharmacist about how to deal with the physical side of alcohol reduction. Asking for information helped me immensely! Best wishes to you!
Maybe I'm strange. I felt freedom, freedom to be me and find who I am. It's exciting. I thank Dr Ramani for her guidance and support. She is a wonderful healer.
My narcissistic mother died last week. My brother and I grieved for our mother and then we grieved more for the mother we never had.
Oh, what I would do for a chance to go back in time knowing what I know now.
SAME!!!!
Hi Dr Ramani. Oh wow, the grief! I thought I would die of a broken heart! When I left him, I cried all the way home. I had to pull over bcse I couldn't see the road. The tears blinded me! It took me over 2 years to feel NORMAL again. Therapy, self-help books and these videos helped me, plus, my new friends. I have feelings for every person who was involved with a narcissist. I'm better off alone, and I don't need a man to complete me. I came too far to get involved with anyone again.
I went through all the stages of grief when I left, It took about two years to deal with it all and find myself again, but I believe It was a part of what I had to go through to understand what had happened and my part in it, it made me stronger in the end but at the time it was horrible and I had times I contemplated ending it all, but with time it enable me to grow.
Came apon narcissism through your channel less than 2 years ago. Thank you. For me it started in family. Brother golden child . Brother excelled, but married high functioning narcissist. In his 36 year marriage saw my brother very little. During those times that I did see him his face said it all. He married wrong person. In his 36 years of marriage we reconnected by text . Then he died . Was informed by sister inlaw only by text . Narcissism starts I think for many in family. It is destructive to families. Thank you Dr Ramani.
For me the grief is same as it is for all, profound. I find myself in an ebb and flow between loss of opportunities, feeling sabotaged, betrayed (even betrayed by myself via gaslighting…). Grieving narratives is a facet that I think is in itself profound as you not only bought a fake but you beloved the sales pitch, and it’s an impressive pitch. One day I’m Angry next day fear, then a few days of joy…. I’m waiting for counseling but some days feel I’m drowning in past BS, in my best years waisted. Thank all of you for posting your experiences as I often find such help in others insights. It’s better to know your not alone. Big FLUFFY Hugs to Dr. Ramani, and Med Circle and crew, this has saved my sanity and my life. I Hope to heal wholly, and completely I’m no longer the “Queen of denial”. Truth is truth it’s solid and cannot be argued.
I feel this entirely, thank you for sharing.
I have spent days watching you videos and it blesses me so much . I wanted to say this … Dr R you are a beautiful beautiful woman ! Of course your spirit comes through shinning ! And for me to watch you and your expressions I say to myself she is sooo pretty! I’m not trying to be superficial by any means …. I just think you should hear how beautiful you are to the eye ! Have a blessed day !!
It is such a relief to find that my grief has an explanation. I feel as though I must hide it because I feel that those close to me feel I should be happy and relieved to be out of a verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive relationship . They don't understand why I'm so sad and depressed over a 11 year relationship that was so traumatizing has come to a end.
Me too. 🙏
Same here girl 😕
I'm not grieving a narcissistic relationship, I'm grieving the best friend I lost to one
My grief was so profound, almost unimaginable after I cut my narcissist out of my life. I’m trying to forgive them nearly 2years on, not for them but for me. They still hold some power over me and I’m still very emotional, but things are so much better. I’m not living in a bubble of anxiety, confusion and self doubt anymore. I do still look for them in a crowd but I know now if I ever see them in a crowd I can walk away. I’m sending all those who are at the start of their journey love and care, remember one day to forgive. Dr R is correct you mourn it all and deeply. I lost myself for a while but I’ve got back to my soul. Narcissist don’t leave heart break they leave soul break which is a very different thing. I wish two years ago these therapy sessions were available, luck had it my therapist understood NPD, not all do. Much love ❤️
I agree with this. In 2018 I was in the process of healing from the abrupt end of a toxic relationship. Wondering what had happened and why or how I got caught up in that, I joined some internet groups to find support. I remember a person saying horrible things to the members of a group and saying that everyone had a victim mentality and that's why we were there. I remember somehow realizing that I was going through the DABDA grieving process and that one day I would come out. That person saying that everyone had a victim mentality clearly was not recognizing that people need space and time to grieve. Ever since 2018 I've been an advocate for allowing people to grieve and tell them what they are going through is real. I also give them hope that although it's tough and murky now to see that one day they will be ok again, I tell people that one day they will see the sun again. I wish there were more resources for helping people through this type of grieving, outside of issues with death. Thank you, Dr.Ramani. You have helped me and so many others work through this very confusing toxicity and how to find our stability again.
Same thing happened to me. Thankfully, another person came to my defense and wrote a comment calling the person out for attacking me. I mean, it wasn't just one nasty comment but a string of them. It left me wary of joining in conversations like this for awhile.
@@shelleykapp9637 Sorry you went through that. I'm glad someone else came to your defense. Ignorance may be a reason some people say those things. Either that or they are trolls that feel powerful by kicking others when they are down.
What is DABDA?
@@carmnose Hi. DABDA is the acronym for the steps in the process of grief. People don't have to go through the steps in order and sometimes people will bounce around a bit, but it usually goes like this: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and then finally at the end Acceptance. When you reach acceptance it means you've come to a place of peace with yourself about what was lost.
Thank you for this and all your videos! You are a blessing to all of is dealing with our Narc relationships past or present! Thank you!!
So true!
Dr. Ramini also does brilliant podcasts on you tube
She is absolutely gifted & a life line for us survivors.🌹
Yes....plant and care for new seeds of joy and happiness🌱🌼🌞
You're always spot on....thank you Dr.Ramani
Your channel is the first help I've had with my grief. Thank you for all that you put into this. I've been grieving for many years over the loss of my parents and ex husband AND the suicide of my best friend. You keep my striving for my life some days. 🤗
This... It's really sad. I'm at this point that I can finally see what they're doing to me but...... it's even sadder when whenever I think of solutions, it's really going to take me a lot of time.
And even more sad when the friends who said they're here but tells me "just leave" and the other one just gets indifferent when I talk about my troubles..."you were like this like 10 yrs ago, you still this way now?" 💔 Even if they said "tell me everything, I'm always here.. you're not alone"........but after those solutions they suggest I feel even more alone. All the more I hold myself from sharing my experiences...then they'll take a step back and pretend they care again... sometimes I believe because I wanted to believe 😭
Thank you for explaining some of this. I have felt in the last year like I was going crazy. I should have felt happy and relieved that I left such a toxic and abusive relationship.
At first, I did feel relieved. But as time went on, and the blinders came off of what I truly went through, the more grief and depressed I felt. I just couldn't understand why, and beat myself up about it.
Just can relate. I feel like though times are ahead of me
I was married to a narcissist and I also have a mom who is a narcissist. I never knew what a narcissist was until my ex husband and I separated is when I stumbled on your videos and others related narcissistic behavior. For many years I was made to believe I was doing too much and wanted too much from both my mother and my ex. My ex has caused me to draw down retirement money to start a business under our church name and he is still operating in it but I am no longer there but he is still reaping the benefits. He is a great manipulator and Marc for sure. I am 3 years away from him and I’m trying to get away from my narcissist mother today. I am stronger now and very appreciative of your page. Thank you so much, it helped clear things up in my life!
I'm grieving the fact that the woman I loved, while I knew she was toxic and just generally nasty, was an even more alien person to me than I ever could have guessed. She discarded me after I had been providing for her for years, helped her through university, helped her reconnect with family, helped her with her self harm and depression, encouraged her to make friends, bought basically everything of value she owns and also paid for the apartment for over two years. And she just discarded me as soon as she found a new, younger supply as soon as they started to respond to her mirroring and lovebombing.
I had to move out of the apartment and move countries to even have somewhere to stay and she showed no sympathy for my situation.
After all those times she cried in my arms, begging me to never leave her and she just.. yeah..
Sometimes I wonder if she is a narcissist or a sociopath, either way she lied, gaslighted, cheated and discarded me like I was nothing.
She cried, kissed me and told me she loves me when I moved. I'm so confused.
Dr. Ramani always coming with gems!!! 💎💎💎
It’s been one year today since myself and my narc began our relationship. I’ve learned so much within this one year time period.
This was the hardest healing I ever had to do, and to work on myself. In a weird way, I’m grateful for that experience. I learned a lot about myself through that relationship, it exposed some of my own trauma and core wounds so that I could work through those things therapeutically.
Ironically, today he’s being sentenced to incarceration for a violent crime. Further validation, I made the right choice by leaving, I really feel like I got out just in time!!!
I just want to celebrate everyone seeking healing and wholeness! I also want to thank the ppl who lead us to this channel! It took time to get to a place of gratitude for the toxic dynamics but now that I'm here I want to make sure those who may rarely get acknowledged! As a collective we have more power in love from a place of knowing the self. The paths to wholeness is different for each soul but Dr. Ramani has to know she is creating a whole vibe 🌊with waves of healing one layer at a time! We are proof that this planet is can have a paradigm shift within one generation. Ppl talk about grief as if it's something to hate but once we know safe ways to grieve it becomes another thing we are grateful for experiencing! We have been thru a century worth of trials in 2 years. We all deserve more compassion and less judgement🖤
We are a community, and it’s lovely to connect with those alike. ❤️
I grieved what I didn't have from NM. Knowing what I know now, we could never have a good or any relationship. I was extremely happy when she died. I was not contact for year's.
Peace 💕🇺🇲
IT WAS NEVER MY FAULT.
NM are psychos. They'll go into a rage over the slightest perceived offence, try and groom you to be exactly the same and put down any individuality and set you up for failure and laugh about it when you fail. I'll be happy when my NM is gone too. I'm sure she'll try to leave me something in her will to try and punish me for going no contact.
I believe they should teach Narcissism in High School, Senior year, before these kids go out in the world! ❤👍
Signed up. Thought I could do this on my own but the thoughts keep coming. Too many constant reminders. Indifference here I come.
Grieving my deceased non narcissistic family member is easier, than grieving the living’ Death gives closure! No contact with family gives Sanity! 🌸🌸
Since I found out after 33 years back in February 2021 that my mum is a covert narcissist I am still ruminating and grieving over what she’s done to me all my life - I pray to god that this grieving ends, I think it has taken me this long because that’s how bad my experiences was living under her roof and also when I went semi grey rock that it was still a nightmare - I haven’t spoken to her till now and it’s still hard to accept it as my whole life’s storyline was (my mother done this to me) and I never knew why but now I know she was raised with a evil step mother and she projected everything on me all my life - it’s lonely but I’m going to get through this 🙏
Cling to the saying "I would rather adjust my life to your absence than adjust my boundaries to your disrespect"!!
Please let go of any hope you have left that she will change!!!
I wasted 3 decades hoping mine would change, start to like me and love me unconditionally like a mother should.
The biggest regret I have now is waiting 3 decades for that and hanging onto that sliver of hope!
She is NOT going to change!!
A narc's ego is a million times more important to them than their own offspring's feelings and well-being!!
They are sick.
REFUSE to let them infect you any longer!!
That radical realization that she never loved you must have been hard. Those who don't understand narcissism won't get that it's possible for a parent to hate their child and try to dominate them to the point of total destruction.
@@rwdchannel2901 😳wow. Thank u for your input fr💯
I'm so glad you're doing multiple courses, this is such a hard process and it feels so overwhelming when you start to step out from under it. Please consider one for those of us in coparenting situations, it's heartbreaking watching your child have to suffer in this.
Amen, our mutual child is an adult, my X was an only child, and our child is an only child, so that too complicates things. I try to be there for my child and try to listen to her concerns for her other parent but my feelings are So Loaded, it’s Exhausting and I try not to poison any waters, as she has the Right to Love both of her parents. I think to do otherwise is Toxic, even if he trashed me. I want her to deal with her perspective not mine…. Sooo complicated indeed. When she brings up stressors regarding her other parent I can only say, I understand.
Otherwise I’m at a loss. It truly triggers me when she is so stressed. But I have to put my feelings aside to a great degree, but even that triggers me as I acted as the peacemaker, and I really try not to play that role anymore. Again I do not say potentially hurtful things nor anything that could be perceived as negative but don’t want to justify toxic either… ugh.
Slowly healing on my own , thanks for all the information ❤
Woo hoo! 4 yesrs narc free, my creativity it Comeing back!!😊😊
It's a very draining experience that has had its long term effects on me, going on 35 years. I am stronger in many ways but I feel I definitely have been grieving these past few years particularly, since I've realized fully what this man I've married is and has been about all these years. Your description of a field and planting anew is very accurate of this process of healing. Thank you! God bless! ❤️🌹
I grieved my marriage 14 years before it ended.
A month from walking away and blocking an ex after third hoover full of manipulations...I am in therapy and finding myself binge watching Dr Ramani. This is by far, grief, the most excruciating thing to endure on a daily basis. It's allowing yourself to feel and process, find the small wins in your days, and know that everyday you overcome it and wake up the next you become stronger.
You can do it! ❤
So true. The grief I experienced afterwards was very different from other experiences of loss that I've had in the past. It seemed like yet another crazy contribution to the cauldron of chaos and contradictions in my head. At first I couldn't understand where it came from, why I was sad about the loss of something that had driven me to (what felt like) the edge of insanity, but once I accepted it and allowed myself to mourn all the things I (thought I) had lost, it got better. The sadness and despair slowly made space for understanding and clarity which helped me see things from a new perspective. I'm no longer sad about the loss of the person I considered as my best friend. If anything, I'm sad that I allowed someone to treat me like he did.
I feel like the narc just opens inner wounds. Just never give that power to another person
after 17 years with my recently ex i i left i dont even know what i feel for him anymore but still comes to my mind to often even in dreams
Dude! Im 21 years out and I still have weird dreams that he is married to his current wife but lives with me and the kids. Its probably an abandonment issue for us. He just quick replaced us. New wife, new kids. I ache for those kids, knowing what he did to mine. So why the dreams??? He is a baaad man.
Hugs!
thank you so much dr. ramani 😊 today my narcissistic boss tried to hoover mehr back after having me fired (bc in did not want to go out with him and told him about 100 times i dont mix my personal and my private life) i did not respond at all to his message and thanks to you I know this annoys him most -not having any control over a nice and competent employee. 🎉
Hey Dr Romani, I am starting to heal. I was guided by my therapist. She told me exctatly what you said: the necessity to grief to heal. Now I have dreams again and a concrete project to me regarding carreer. So just enfasasin, without grief there is no healing. =)
Dealing with this now. My covert narc mother died in October. I'm grieving my mum, and missing her, but also the guilt of NOT missing her angry, abusive behavior.
Add to that the fact I am ending my marriage to a narcissist type of husband, as well as coping with my eldest son and his schizophrenia diagnosis. Well, let's just say that I am lost right now.
We should give ourselves time and patience to grieve the losses so that we can heal properly. Thank you dr Ramani❤
It's like opening up your stomach, putting a hand held electric mixer into your viscera, and hitting the 'high' setting. Then, you get sewn back up, and have to walk around like you are the same as everyone else. And this process gets repeated time and time again. Who knows who you are once you get to the end of this recipe?
Thank you Dr Ramani.
I have changed my attachments to grief. Loss is a constant and they are alive and it's like a place to visit and take my journal towards another trajectory. If and if-s and changing the past has to do with accepting the changes of life. I feel waves of relief, existential concerns, joy, grief,
It was harder than physical pain, worse than a root canal worse than I ever knew. I needed the education and to learn grief as a ministry towards recovery.
I work with and reparent myself at Jessica Heslop, vortex success here I immerse myself into the affirmations of granting myself grace. I don't understand it. It's a awakenings and lessons.
Grieving renews what is a work in progress, how to lessen the negative traits within myself. Reparenting was a big deal. I liked how last month Dr Sportnelli talked about geriatric psych care, I'm afraid about seeing the bad memories become my today. I friend my fear and hug myself and apply what's true. Recovery is layers of trauma falling off. Healing sets in. What's not good for recovery is uprooted as calcified thinkng.
So much greif on many levels. All that you mentioned above.
Since being out 2 1/2 years and him passing I am healing. Once you get far enough away and start doing the work it speeds up the healing. I'm Seeing my future at 60 very bright 🌞.
Thank you 🫂🐦🦋💐
Yes grieving the loss of our adult son who married a woman who hates us, has taught our grandchildren to hate us and now has even got our son to hate us, all his siblings and their spouses, nieces , nephews, my siblings - his aunts and uncles. They’ve only spent time with her family for two years now. I think it’s the holidays coming and losing hope that he will ever be a part of our family again.
I needed to hear this today, thank you.
I’m grieving that I can’t defend myself. I’m stuck on pills but I’m still here
Thank you Dr. Ramani! Because of you I feel like I have a kindred spirit close by in those tough moments. I had to cut off my whole family and I wish I had done it sooner. Healing now and it’s getting easier except the recent news that my narc mom is very Ill with cancer and other things. I feel guilty that I feel nothing or if I do I can’t feel it now. She was my world once upon I time when I didn’t realize I was her golden child to show off and not her heart. Love to everyone trying to heal. xx❤️❤️❤️It makes it much easier if you accept the fact that person you loved was a lie so in fact you don’t love them at all you love what you thought they were.
We are in similar situations. I, too, have had to cut off my whole family. It is difficult, but like you, I wish I would have done it sooner. Thankfully, we found the path of awareness and recovery! Dr. Ramani has been a huge part of that.
@@kristischark5590 Yes she has and I’m so so sorry you’ve lived this too xx❤️❤️❤️💔
Yes I agree watching your videos and hearing someone validate everything that was invalidated is all I needed to feel whole.
I’ve mostly been out of this relationship for two years / we were “together” for 3. We still have grey rock contact - I’m still grieving. It’s so frustrating. Rationally I know I’m so much better to be free of the lies - the cheating - the betrayal - the games. Yet two years later - I’m unable to get back to the person I was 5 years ago - before I met them. I know it’s a relief the relationship is over. I believe that 100%. But I’m still dead inside. I have good days. I just haven’t been able to rebuild. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me
Can you do / have you done a video on the grief/loss of your younger years due to narcissistic family abuse?
For people in 40s and 50s and older, who never got into relationships to begin with and are now feeling the loss due to familial abuse, can you provide some hope?
I left him a week ago and the pain I feel is real. But I know the sadness comes from how much I hoped during these years he would change in the name of love. He never did. I am trying to stay strong but it is so hard. THANK YOU DR RAMANI for your help. I would be lost without your validation and honesty.
I really love the analogy of "planting a new field". I'm literally at this place in my life now.
You are such a kind and caring person. You have helped me so much 🙏🙏🙏🌺🍊🌺
I’m sorry to say, dr Ramani, in my case I believe that I barely survived the experience. Although my dreams/illusions were shattered, I was also determined to warn the next victim, and that gave me a purpose, and looking back to 1996/7, I realize that I was very fortunate that, at the shelter where I ended up, I met the best friend that I’ve ever had in my whole life!
This is so helpful. Thanks again for this nugget of wisdom and powerful piece of insight. Your work is so important to people all over the world, Dr. Ramani.
I just bought your book on disordered eating and can't wait to explore how my former relationship with a narcissist ties into this. I only recently started being able to love myself after freeing myself from that toxic relationship and listening to my body and what it needs to become healthy on the outside and the inside.
Keep up the good work!
Yup. It's hard to live for the future when you live in the past. The present has no purpose.
Thanks.
Thank you for the description of grief being a hallway or corridor! My grief from narcissistic abuse, and having to give up loving connections that were never healed in the aftermath, caused me to bury it. I buried my grief 35 years ago deep deep down. It was not safe to express my profound grief at the time, and life was utter chaos. Now it pops up in other ways. I can’t wait for tomorrow’s workshop!
Grief and loss have been enormous factors in my life. I lost everything with the break up of my first marriage to a man who was actually diagnosed with NPD/ASPD. Almost killed me at 33 years old but ended up penniless and estranged from everyone but my two traumatized sons. Rebuilt a whole new life entirely on my own and I thought we were going to make it, but trauma led to a drug addiction for my beautiful eldest son and at 20 years old he died. Trying to rebuild my life for the 3rd time now and hoping my surviving son finds a way to integrate all that has happened and all that he has lost. I pray that something miraculous, hopeful, and determined rises up in him and gives him the grit it is going to take for him to take all that has happened and turn it into a meaningful life. I pray for healing for everyone here in this season of renewal and rebirth. 💕
I grieve the loss of my parents and our beautiful relationship, but I grieve alone because of my narcissistic sister and my other sister who has a twisted relationship with her. The sense of loss is devastating at the very least. Some days I just don’t know how to put one foot in front of the other. Knowing I will never have what I’m searching for in siblings is so very sad and isolating.
I'm going to be going no contact with my entire family in January when I can escape. I have no friends and no real contact with extended family as my immediate family has isolated me completely. I love all of them, especially my enabler/co-dependent mom, and my heart aches as I face the reality of my loss. I will never stop loving them, but their refusal to acknowledge my pain or correct their behavior forces me to leave them behind. I am afraid of the pain I'm about to face. It feels like a long fall, knowing the pavement is imminent.
I feel this sooooo much now im absolutely miserable
I adored him for 25 years. He's dead. I'm free. I thank the universe.....and I still love the damaged bastard.
Now 2 years from no contact and leaving a 35 year marriage. The grief is sometimes even now so hard….. especially if you lived on same street as his siblings and other extended family and all attend same church where he is on the board. At some point I want to be able to afford the work shop because you have really really helped me in addition to a good therapist
Dr. Ramani. I can not begin to thank you for all the passion and effort that you have put in to create all platforms and books on this content. I’m in a critical phase in my relationship with a narcissist and your videos and book has been the only thing that has kept me going, stay sane and stick to my reality.
All the best of luck in your life and career.❤️
I grieve for my children who were made to endure this monster.
I just found your channel today. I've been dealing with trying to understand what is going on with my relationship with my mother for many, many, many years. I've done a bunch of reading and talking to other folks (and my therapist) and I now have very little doubt that my mom is a vulnerable narcissist (my therapist thinks its BPD, but this does not quite fit IMHO).
For months on end, I've been obsessively thinking about all the interactions I've had with her, what she might say, and what I would say in response to various situations. The guilt and shame of "abandoning" your mother had kept me in this loop for such a long time. My therapist pointed out that there is simply no hope, and I'd been looking for that one crack I could exploit to somehow grow towards a normal relationship with her.
I have not spoken with her since a week before Christmas, but I was still thinking about this obsessively. Since my session on Monday, the obsessive thoughts have slowed considerably due to my acceptance that there is absolutely nothing at all I can do other than to take care of myself. Your videos have only helped to reinforce this concept. This has hit me with anger, depression, etc. All the hallmarks of grieving a death. However, I also have this sudden onset of calm about the situation. I now know what it is, and that's exactly what I've been looking for all my life.
Thanks for the videos! BTW: my response to the video on narcissists and their birthdays was: "holy crap! get out of my head!!!" Her birthday always fell on the exact same day as Gay Pride in San Francisco, and guess who would win out, every single time? yup, mom. The gifting aspect was so bad that years ago I simply stopped giving her anything at all, which of course was met with MORE guilt and manipulation (because after all, she'd point out that I'm a selfish asshole). Anyhoo... thanks again!