Dealing with feelings of confusion after a narcissistic relationship
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- Опубликовано: 9 июн 2024
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I think a lot of the confusion comes from how hard it is to accept that a narcissist just doesn’t see you as a person. You’re always expecting them to conduct themselves like a cognitively normal person and they never will.
You think it right. ☺
I think that is a very important point. I remember when I realized that he wasn't seeing me as another human being. I used to say to him, "You do not see me as another sentient being."
You can say that again.
Oh so true.
Perfect
It's crazy because we gaslight ourselves and it seems we all end up wondering if we were in fact the narcissist and villain and blame ourselves. Ughh what a trip.
May I ask you what do you do to get away from it? I can't seem to do that yet, plus I keep wiping the slate for that individual...
@@kalkhan816 Im not sure if im too late but above all else do not forgive. Do not forget what they've done and ESPECIALLY dont give them a chance to communicate to you anymore. they prey on forgiving people and they'll continue to hurt you any time you forgive them
@@detectiveback6371 this is great advice...I will try to keep it in mind, thanks 👍
Omg the number of times I have questioned if I am the narcissist! Omg… then I remind myself that when I make mistakes I admit to it, if I hurt someone I say I’m sorry. Intake accountability. But that’s the confusion they create. That’s their power.
Me too, i keep wondering if I'm the narcissist one I'm so confused, It's been a month since he broke up with me and until today I haven't been able to sleep, I stay up all night and sleep little during the day, I can't understand my own feelings the only thing i know is that I'm stuck and it sucks
I think the thing that hits hardest is the realisation that you’ve spent your whole relationship with someone you do not know. And you feel the guilt and shame of not seeing it sooner.
yep absolutely
SO true...
True
And they don’t know you. Because they don’t care as long as you meet their needs.
Exactly, anyone else feel stupid for putting up with their narcissists BS for so long. I'm sorry I'd didn't stand up for myself sooner. We has children together, and I tried to make it work for 36 years. 🤪
I got out of an abusive narc relationship over a month ago and I STILL spend my days constantly trying to analyze and understand wtf happened and what went so wrong.. I thought he was my soulmate, but with the days of heaven they give you twice the amount of hell. I'm so greatful for people like Dr. Ramani who go out of their way to educate us and bring us back to reality. Knowledge is powerful
Well said. Ruminating over the good times and “potential” is the hardest part. At least we loved them - whoever they were 🥺
Ive been doing it for five months but don't worry live healthy and it gets better! It is also the best 'revenge' trust me
Since they thrive on destroying your health prove them wrong!
I just got out of one too. he spun everything around, tried to make me look crazy to everyone and left me. He would do things continuously like go out all day and night, keeping me blocked on everything, literally left me every day of the summer and then as soon as I would finally break afternoon go out, I was the bad one and was probably cheating on him. He eventually left bc I wouldn’t say that I cheated on him when i didn’t. He actually slept w someone in August & said it wasn’t cheating bc he broke up with me for the night and now accuses me of being the cheater and left & is now talking to the girl he cheated with again. He left me knowing about her and blocked me so i can sit and let it eat at me
Hi, it is horrible and very confusing. I ruminate a lot and left 2.5 months ago. Stay strong and remember your reality. I find that writing things down can help. I was back with my ex twice. This time she was very different. Just distant and always out. The first time far more controlling. She was likely cheating and all the signs were there. I questioned it and the real her appeared. Lies, gaslighting, manipulation and I left. The threats began.......
Stay strong and keep a mental grip on your own reality, don't let the effects of the narcissist confuse you.
Narcissists are toddlers. Treat accordingly.
Love it🙂
haha
Exactly correct. Their psychological growth was stunted at an early age, even though their physical growth continued. And now they have the power of an adult, with the impulses of an abused childhood, ready to punish the world.
That’s an insult to toddlers. 😂 Toddlers have redeeming qualities and their brains aren’t fully developed. A narc that isn’t getting help has no excuse.
@John Cleet Yes, politicians often need to be narcissists in order to be the face everyone sees and goes through them, even negative attention can be welcomed. As Dr. Ramani said, once everyone is confused, the narcissist has "won". I would also add the conditions of everybody fighting with each other, hating each other, and talking right past each other without hearing a word the other person said. It really is a mess.
One telltale sign of narcissism: they don’t have anything positive to say about anyone who is not present.
Positivity is not in their r dictionary. they would struggle to find consistently JUST AND ONLY negativity .
My experience has been that he did have positive things to say about others (not me though), especially if it could be used to put me down in the process.
@@niraerlich3016 w
Wow Now that I think about... You are so right
scary how universal their characteristics are, honestly It is frightening. He put down other people’s children, his own children, his own friends children, siblings, his 2 best friends or the only 2 that deal with him on somewhat of a regular basis mostly by phone.
The abuse is only confusing, because we believe we are experiencing it from someone who supposedly cares about our well being, but these people would not be abusive towards us (EVER) if they actually cared. It really is easy to get caught up in the "idea" of a person, rather than who they really are. You just have to go with your gut. It doesn't matter what was said or done, as much as how it made you feel. If being around a certain person consistently brings you down, makes you feel unsafe, pisses you off, or makes you sick to your stomach, then it is not in YOUR best interest to be around them. There's nothing confusing about that.
thank you!
Agreed, we believe the facade. All our insecurities, beliefs and childhood conditioning enables them to manipulate us specifically.
@@traceykibble7518 You just summed it up in a nutshell. 👏👏👏
YES, this. I had to get out of my head and listen to my body
@@Seliz463 this is such a great comment.
No wonder I have grey hair, and chronic tiredness at such an early age as 30. My days have been constant confusion and anxiety. I must congratulate myself for making it this far and looking after others and having a full time job 🤪 knowledge is power. Thank you as always Dr Ramani
Anxiety and stress are hard on the adrenal glands...after 16 years I have adrenal fatigue; tired all the time, brain fog, poor temperature control, poor blood pressure regulation, etc.
If you look up Dr.Berg’s channel, he has some really good nutritional information about healing the adrenal glands. It’s been helping me. 👍🏻
@@karenramnath9993 try 42 years.
@@karenramnath9993 I’ve been married to one for 39 years 😥
Same here. I am 37 years old and my 50% hairs are white. And I am always tired.
I got all that at the age of 25. Was in a 3 years relationship. So exhausting.
One face for public, one face for me. Spot on.
@ Ethan the pro, mine was no different. Nasty and cruel to me And smiling (something he never did) to everyone else.
Same here. Narc mom and enablers (basically my entire family) never took my side or stood up for me when we was blatantly cruel and deceiving. She plays the victim/martyr card really well. She even had me convinced most of my life until I finally stood my ground and broke away from everyone. No contact has saved me but there are days I’m sad with grief over the fact I never had true loving, family connections. But at least I’m aware and build my own family of choice among friends I trust and care for - still, this sometimes leaves me feeling isolated and alone at times esp when I see my friends with their families interacting in healthy ways.
@@MsWing-ij9nb Don't feel bad about that, It is hard but your friends are way better than people who alluse you could ever be !
Narcissists project their best false self when they know they are being watched, evaluated or recorded. Not at all the same as they behave in private behind closed doors. This is a choice they are able to make, so it's not like a chemical imbalance that can be treated with medication.
Til the mask slips - scary
The confusion part is because their horrific patterns of abuse don’t match up with the promises of love , future faking etc. in other words how can a person say they care but yet treat me like crap.
YES. EXACTLY'!!!!!
THIS!
Absolutely...that's what I asked the narcissist in my life....if you are saying that you love me then why do you treat me like shit....and he had no answer
@@pujabidhan9533 I've asked my narc this and she said it's because:
A. I make her abuse me.
B. She doesnt abuse me because I'm the one who abuses her. (Yeah it doesn't make sense. Nothing with her make sense).
C. She doesnt abuse me.
@@pujabidhan9533 i was afraid even to say they treat me bad because i have so much self-doubt- i may say why do i “feel” like garbage. Even now i think i was either deserving of that treatment as i didnt have my life together and was not on top of things or my brain is messed up and i would never feel full with anyone. I was told by him i am needy and i have a hole that he cant fill up- things therapists say about wholeness so i could never really blame him because he would sound so educated and kind in pointing that. I am confused even writing this.
I was completely bewildered until I started researching and realized I was dealing with a covert narcissist. I didn't understand how someone could go from professing adoration for me one day to telling me she doesn't want to be with me the next day with all the coldness of a serial killer. No explanation, no reason given, and treated with all the warmth of a glacier. My feelings were completely irrelevant to her.
Same, no idea, in fact, I thought he was kind, loving, just emotionally inept. Until he got too mean, I started researching too.
Sad part is when you find yourself documenting your daily life as it pertains to your relationship with your significant other then you shouldn't be in that relationship. Especially when you find yourself recording conversations just to play back to yourself so that you know you're not crazy. It's basically on you to determine how long you're willing to put up with this because they're never going to change since there's "nothing wrong with them."
Omg. I did the exact same thing ❤️
Yep. I had a journal. I should have kept it when I feel weak but didn’t want to ruminate anymore.
Oh my god. This is what I went through too. I doubted my own self.
Yesss! My narcissist would flip everything back on me! He took no personal responsibility for anything .... from ripping the fridge door off because I forgot milk, to him loosing his own keys ( ‘ Have you moved them? It’s the sort of thing you’d do...?’) And I also recorded conversations and arguements.... I video’d him once too. I still watch it back occasionally to remind myself of the objective reality.
I did this for six months and there were entries for every time I was manipulated and gaslit and discarded and ignored and told “they didn’t notice” and what crushes the most is seeing the journal entries that followed those entries where I claim “it was all in my head and I need to learn to be a better partner and not make problems out of nothing”
“The good days don’t erase the slate.” “Their good days become a weapon. Don’t over-generalize the good days.”
“Why are you acting like we’re always fighting. Didn’t we just have fun together yesterday. You’re just a runner and you wanna quit anytime I’m not saying something positive about you.” I heard that weekly for 5 years.
THIS.
I needed to hear that
WOW!! Needed to hear this- thanks.
Ooo my it start to be a good morning. By noon he starts again. I keep trying to make thins better he wont have it and keeps it going
"The good days are their weapon!"
This is so important. Thank you for saying this out loud. This is really important to remember. Don't celebrate, don't cherish your narc good days! Those are weapons.
I had just asked yesterday for a video about this exact topic. Me and 2 of my sisters are trying to cope with the possibility of no-contact after having already had to go no-contact with our father, too. The "good times" have been extremely difficult to grapple with because it makes us feel like we were ungrateful or that we've misremembered. It's very confusing and painful.
"After all the good I did"
"After all I have done for you"
"You never appreciated the time I..."
"I never should have been so good to you"
A million examples of how a narcissist uses good times as weapons against you.
I think that’s what keeps me stuck sometimes,cherishing his good days 🤦🏻♀️
You are so right when you say that the "good days" are their weapons! Just when you've had enough and you're about to walk away from the relationship, they will do something really sweet which will then remind you of all the lovely things they did during the "love bombing phase"! So you decide, "Ok. One more chance"! That's when they know they've manipulated you again! Four words for if you're in a relationship with a narcissist........... RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!
@@myrnabryant7992 You may benefit from understanding how narcissists "love bomb" you in the beginning making you hope those days would return, where they acted like a "soulmate", and then later keep you hanging on with "breadcrumbs" and possibly "future faking". These terms and many more are ones Dr. Ramani has made videos on recently. If you haven't yet seen them, I recommend them and hope they give you validation and clarity. Be kind to yourself. 💙
Yep, I’m 47 and well educated on narcissism but still so confused by everything I’ve been through with my narcissist parents and exes. It’s easier to understand it intellectually than it is emotionally.
Sadly I learned so much too but having empathy I always got sucked back into different mixes with narcissistic people. Had a stroke in 2016 had too learn too walk and talk again. The doctor laughed when I told him it was the best thing that happened to me the bs with these demons finely locked into my head that these demons have too be deleted like a unwanted text message. So people don’t wait till you have one or a heart attack or mental breakdown too wake up. God bless narcissist survivors we deserve the peace 🤚☘️
@@hugmc sadly it seems we have to hit rock bottom hard before we wake up. Wishing you a good recovery and a better life from here on in.
@Tracey Kibble thank you I am living the dream now big time on a peaceful life 🤚🇮🇪
The toxins take ages to clear out depending on how long the mis- treatment lasted.
Health will be recovered.
Yup.
I noticed that when I was in his presence, i was so confused that id just submit, accept fault, gaslight myself, and apologize to him, accepting whatever he said as truth. But when we were apart, and I'd talk about my relationship to hotlines, a therapist, coworkers, and my family - and when I'd watch informative videos such as this - everything made sense to me. And I'd tell myself that i wasnt going to be confused anymore by him. But i kept going back even though it made me feel anxious, like i was driving into a heavy storm where i knew i wouldnt be able to see clearly. A couple days ago, a coworker went to go see if he could get my car started, because my ex wanted it out of the parking lot. The coworker found that my ex had cut the ground wire to my battery. I guess thats why he told me not to look at it and said I'd mess it up worse because I'm not a mechanic. He had told me i needed a new car and tried to say he'd pay for it but i had to put it in his name (even though I'd be paying him back). I figured he was trying to trap me, considering how rageful and threatening he would get when i tried to leave him. He sure was mad at me when i got a loan and got the car put in my name. I just can't believe it; I believed that my car really wasnt worth fixing. He didnt want me to look at it or take it to someone else though. But i mean, at worst, i thought my car really had just reached its limit, and my ex was just taking advantage of the opportunity to trap me. I cant believe he purposely sabotaged my car. It breaks my reality. It hurts my brain. Id say it hurts my heart, but I've been emotionally numb since the night i left him and bawled my eyes out. I am just so confused. I wonder if ill ever feel again or want a relationship again. I wonder if i can ever trust anyone again.
These people have us scratching our heads long after the relationship is done. How can you NOT be confused... the pathology and constant contradictions that come with these people is MIND BOGGLING 🤦🏻♀️
They constantly contradict themselves, many times even in the same sentence
Some days it feels as though there is an apparent mass extinction of humanity.
Well said
They say they’ll change, then they change only for that one time and then they just go back to the previous behaviour. They make you believe that they’re trying to improve until you realize that they never had any intention of changing. Keeping you on a string is part of the power trip for them. One day you wake up and realize they’ve been pulling you along and that it’s all been BS, ALL of it, even the good days are just a ploy to keep you in. Keeping records and especially going back to listen to voice recordings of conversations has been extremely helpful. Sometimes listening to them without reacting, encouraging them to talk, and while they’ll get off on the attention, they’ll start bragging, complaining, showing contempt, etc etc etc and you’ll see them like you never did before. I used to miss some things he would say b/c they were just too disturbing and I would hear them later in the voice recording, like, “WTF? He said that? Ack!” Really eye opening.
Vicky Lopez I would actually tell my narc for many months; “we are hanging from one single fiber of thread that once was holding us together and you are taking snips with scissors wearing a blindfold. She would promise change and security almost immediately do the exact same things that hurt my inner most being and act as though she did nothing and I was out of line for even questioning it. Double speak and hidden agendas are their mottos.
Dr Ramani is an absolutely special person, she’s helping so many of us with her wisdom, advice, knowledge and experience. I am indebted to this beautiful soul! Thank you Dr Ramani, God bless you and your family 🙏 ❤️
Sarah Jane 👌❤️ 🙏 me too!!!
Agree
Yes. Absolutely.
What a lovely post. Thank you bc her healing became our healing journey. She not only understands but she know the words to speak bc she lived it.
Samantha Houston thank you and totally agree 👌❤️
I thought I was the only one who experienced this "confusion." My brain couldn't comprehend what was happening to me, & that was the worst part of my entire experience. I still have ptsd nightmares specifically about this, 5 years after I escaped.
It takes a while . orienting helps get out of the confusion. Peace to you, be strong
I am 5 yrs post narc relationship also and still have dreams. It's a relief to be out!
Me too
3.5 years for me, and this time of year still gives me ptsd. I thought moving would help. It did, but not as much as I'd hoped.
My boyfriend is a narcissist and in the process of moving out thank God. He sleeps in the other room after hurting me and I have been having nightmares of him off and on ever since.
This idea of "Oh my god your so lucky" and the reality of being with a social chameleon in public then a cold gas lighter at home only became clear to me once i left her. The sheer clarity and calmness of ending an 8 year relationship and cutting ties entirely severed all the control and the illusion of it all. The self gas lighting was a big one aswell... i thought my expectations were too high and that i needed to check myself.
Sign of the abused empath
We try to minimise our needs and self gaslight into accepting garbage
This right here is what I always found confusing. He’d do things that other people would say “oh that’s so sweet” meanwhile I would be thinking wait… you don’t see how bizarre this actually is and how fake this “act of kindness” actually is???
It's like your eyes open to the truth only after you are out of it.
You end up lowering your standards over and over and still feeling like you are asking for too much.
I don't believe there are any good days with a Narc. I think empaths can tolerate more pain than others. 💜
The right measure of pain keeps an empath alert not sustained. Misery is certainly not their goal or device 🙏
I agree empaths can tolerate more pain than other people and have a super strength to survive awful circumstances.
I don't think it is the state of being empathic that results in tolerating more pain, it is the willingness to stay or unwillingness to leave that motivates the person who stays. This is not always based on the ability to tolerate pain. In fact, as an empath myself, I am quite put off by having to tolerate pain. I am not a martyr.
I tolerated him for 10 years. I was blinded by love. He said he didn't love me anymore but wasnt giving us false hope in the future if getting back together. GOD that was such a lie! He said it only so I wouldn't file child support. Then he found a new supply and all of a sudden I'm the toxic one because he lied about her "being just a friend". They started having it a month after we broke up and then moved her in 4 months after we broke up. He destroyed my heart. But I'm so much better than I was 10 months ago. I hope karma gets him.
I am an empath. Other people often tell me did you hold out? I just do , all the time, over and over again..
If you understand anything, it is that you have been harmed, and that they don't care.
That's it in a nutshell!
Kristin, so true! it really does boil down to that essentially. Mine was with a married male narc who conned me into a relationship by lying about his marital status. I feel for his wife! I've never met her and not sure if or what she knows about me, I wish I could tip her off as to what has helped me tremendously, that is, understanding the narc animal I'm dealing with. We women are sisters and need to help each other!
That sounds so terrible but it’s absolutely true. Simply Put, Thank you.
They they don’t care part is so true how does a human being not care. I have to try to remember that they have a disorder. I think that’s how they Be so nasty and cruel and not care all at the same time.
He used to seem to sober up from his narcissism once in a blue moon. But I’m not even sure about that now.
It reminds me of shows like charmed and teenwolf and other shows where people turn into monsters, except that's my mum for real and she really doesn't care about the pain she creates and causes.
@@barbaramarshall5271 I am sad to hear that is your relationship with your Mother. I had a loving mother but I had that relationship with my Father. Parental relationships of this sort are unfortunate, extremely hard to understand & accept that they just are the way they are. Perplexing at best.
My Father’s cruelty, disloyalty, etc ... was unbearable, simply brutal, to his wife/my mother & throughout my entanglement with him. I’m his & her only child. He recently passed away from Covid last year. Although I’ve missed my Father each & every day throughout the 20 +years because of me going no contact from him & our blood relatives/the only side of the family I knew. Learning of his passing gave me grave sadness & just as much confusion, yet oddly gave me the ability to exhale, hurt, exhausting confusion, my yearning to interact with my Daddy/one of his personalities who showed during his few & far between “good moments,” dizzing loss of emotions. Like I lost him 3 times, in their divorce, when I went no contact & finally, inevitably to death.
I’ve been recovering for years now. I think the confusion aspect is the hardest part for me. Not trusting myself after this abuse has been the hardest part.
"We are becomming a world of narcissists and their enablers"
-Couldn't agree more!
Everything was confusing. I had to show my friend screen shots of texts to make sure I wasn't crazy. All red flags.
@ Anna N...Yes you know its like dealing with a child stuck in an adult body. Always having to prove to the Narc what they text, said, or the way they acted. They will deny it ever happened!
When the shoes on the other foot they even modify the texts to create extra impact over their selection of witnesses.
@@bertzerker747 how did you deal with that?
@@rodahmuriu782 I explained to them that WhatsApp as an operating platform is not substantial as evidence. I explained that there are different interpretations to texts as well changes occur as part of getting on in life, events and relationships.
I asked them to put more time directly into the relationship/communication exchange than treating matters of a failing in communication as a personal threat.
I explained that I maintained something like a Wildcard if I should be required to make a person defense and that this might be considered more valid than a collage of text messages and personal opinions.
Ultimately I expressed moreso to take charge of any 'troubling' situation and quit on the self-sympathizing responses that take the issues nowhere.
(in the society I am staying in they believe if they video someone drinking alchohol then they will or must be severely punished and must pay their spouse all their money in base support of a divorce arrangement).
Not a typical scenario by any means...🙏but to some degree it did attenuate their feelings or threat to be persecatory towards me over simple indifferences.
Miss Kay I called out my narc son in a text for disrespecting my husband. Guess what? He just changed his number. No apology no response. He’s been doing this crap since he was 16. Sooooo no contact for past 3 weeks. I’m 63 years old & sick of it. Let him be a jackass.
The hardest part for me is not knowing if ANY of it was real, because it was real to me.
BB, So well said!
That'll hurt for some time
5 yrs of a marraige
Wasnt real
Its true it hurts
But it's better to be out
The peace and getting myself back
This resonates so much
Yes.
😔
I’m coming out of a 30year relationship with a narcissist. This video hit the nail on the head for me. Big time. I still second-guess myself constantly. I have literally went to a grocery store and stood and could not make a decision on what to get. It is one of the most terrible feelings you’ve ever had. Thank you for doing these videos for people like myself. They have brought a lot of things to light for me.
Yes! The decision making thing! I went to buy a blender last week...only 3 models in the store and it took me 20 minutes to choose one, and I’m STlLL not sure if I made a good choice.
It’s just a blender...why is it still bothering me so bad?!!!
@@karenramnath9993 I know the feeling. It’s because the narcissist has left you doubting your own reality.
I'm coming out of 26years and I thank you for sharing
I have developed anxiety around dinner time. We can rarely plan a dinner without him causing trouble. I stopped cooking, I asked him to cook, we order in….no matter what, he has to start an argument. Dr. Ramani has helped me feel validated in my feelings. She has given great advise on how to shut him down. It has helped soo B much. I have also started seeing a therapist too help with the trauma of it all.
Twenty years for me. I feel like a loser. I grey rocked but not on purpose... to defend myself cuz I really loved him. I lost myself. A bit anyway. I've been doing the hard work to rebound after a smear campaign he waged against me. Destroyed my life for 8 years. Ii stayed with him cuz he gaslit me about it. I'm such a sucker. He got me good.
For 19 years I endured this, to the point I was so distressed I could not eat or sleep . I ended up having a first episode psychosis at age 40 after a clear mental health record all
My life, and that was too the delight of
My abuser.
I was locked in a psych ward for almost a month and now my word is meaningless to the world around me, as I’m just the woman who has a breakdown.
Well that was three years ago
I’m still healing but I found my self a new world
Bless you all
You can do it
In the end I was
So hurt and distressed I decided I’d rather be completely alone than love that way.
It’s been a long road and now I have taken back control of my life.
It still hurts but I look at the little things in life to bring me joy
All the best !
Go kerry 🙌👏👏👏
Bless you Kerry ❤
The amount of times i said i was confused, being with a narc is like entering the twilight zone!!
Yes, or also it's like being in an amusement park fun house that is neither amusing nor fun. But lots of clowns. 🤡
Indeed. The twilight zone!!
It’s like they all read the same play book. We all dealt with similar issues. I really feel sorry for the narc. I can’t imagine not being able to have a meaningful relationship with anyone. I had 3 ex who were narc, my cousin, friend. I believe my step mother and sister are both narc or have traits of narcissism. Very draining relationships
Beverly H, it's interesting you should mention that it's like they are all reading the same playbook. The researchers of psychology have observed their common behaviors and listed them in the DSM as the guidelines for a formal diagnosis. So you're exactly correct.
And then feeling like you're in hell
The ruminating ... oh the ruminating trying to understand!
, let alone finding a viable solution to dissolve the mental unrest and wry energies.
Please watch a recent video on this channel with "Ruminating" or "Rumination" in the title, if you haven't already.
I know, the ruminating is wearing me out.
I hope everyone finds clarity with dr. Ramani. It has helped so much to me. Other channels and even other therapists can make you feel like you are crazy. This has helped. Validation for my feelings. I remember asking myself what is right and if this isnt how i am supposed to feel what am i supposed to be. You cant be mad. When someone says i cant help how you feel and i dont make you feel anyway. My self gaslighti g was definitely this isnt so bad why do i have these feelings. She said she would do this but did not. She will never contact me again. They will make you think that you are childish if you block them. Go ahead be childish and block them get out. Though i knew this stuff i think it is sinking in as i am watching dr ramani.
@@samanthahouston2324 for many it's only the clarity of mind that makes organized sense of the turbulence and kaos within.
They might drag you by your hair or spin you in circles yet finding viable response to someone's needs and issues for resolve can be very confronting, far from a pleasant cup of tea. If anything they might be more abusing to contend with the infliction narcissism can impose on our lives and living hell.
Treat yourself easy for the narcissist might not 🙏
If you are in a narcissistic relationship or not, being gaslighted and feeling constantly confused is NOT normal. We almost keep ourselves high with their "good days", which are actually their fakes days as Dr Ramani said. And wether you are out of this relationship or not YET, remember to only keep the TRUTH accountable, which means that the bad days are the real days, remember that and heal yourself from that.
It's all I had in that relationship: confusion, doubt of my own judgment, so hard to make decisions. I lost myself and have to find again.
You CANNOT call out a narcissist. It won't stick. They are the slickest of individuals ever. Slippery, slimy evil beasts, messing with your mind every chance they get.
It's almost as if they are agents for satan himself!
A mutual friend told me that part of the end of the relationship was my fault. At first I thought this but after a year of watching Dr. Rami i’s videos I now know it wasn’t. My narc was so sharp with her words and manipulative and if I had said anything to her she would have turned it around. I never wanted to have a meaningful conversation with her and when I did start one, she literally turned it around and put the spotlight on herself! Nope! Her behavior is not my fault!
They’ll find a way to turn it around on you and then you end up feeling worse
@@chae1557 Teflon coated
I know what are you doing they're both your parents
Calling them out is so tempting. I've learned the hard way not to do this. The narc will continue to abuse you, only now you've told them what works against you. Believe me it gets worse!!! It's like Superman telling his foes where the kryptonite is. Thank you Dr Ramani.
I agree completely with this.
100
I always want to call them out! Even if it is useless.
Yes, and if they are charming, attractive and everyone's best friend, calling them out would make you very unpopular. Their fans and acolytes would not listen even though they're being manipulated and led a merry dance.
Lang Lang this is exactly what’s happened once she moved to her secondary supply and ran her first smear campaign. Now everyone who adores her looks at me like the devil. It’s so amazing to see just how psycho manipulative she is to all who are entangled with her. I see how these people think she is just so amazing. It’s not until she snares the man and devalues that man that he begins to fall into the abyss and becomes unstable and confused the she will then begin really pushing boundaries and doing more reckless activities. This is when the primary source of supply needs to decide whether to be used like a gum wrapper and discarded later or go no contact and swim to the surface while dodging all those creatures and mines she placed above.
Feeling confused has always been a huge thing for me. “You have a bad memory, you don’t remember anything”, he says. Months ago I started taking notes about every single word narcissistic people around me say (sadly including my father), now I have something around 300 notes on my phone. It helps me SO MUCH to understand what’s happening every day!! Made me realize that no, it’s not me, I’m not crazy.
I want to share my biggest confusion with a narcissist. during this toxic friendship I was full of spiritual concepts like: everything you condemn in the other you condemn in yourself. forgiveness. the other is a mirror of yours, etc.
so I took full responsibility for every abuse🤦🏼♀️...
victims of narcissists can misuse spiritual concepts in order not to take any responsibility, which means no contact with the narcissists. It’s so painful to look back and see how hard I tied to be the “good girl”... I feel like waking up from a nightmare!
I can only agree! Genuine spirituality became toxic spirituality sadly. Im glad you brought point of that. Most of people don’t go that deep and don’t understand that narcissistic or other toxic kind of people can’t be helped and it’s not about mirroring. Self blaming and victimblaming is the worst part for empath and the best part for narcissistic people.
This exact happened to me
It's essential that you move on. Let them play games with their new boyfriend/ girlfriend. You don't have time for it remember? You're supposed to be focused on you and your purpose!
N O C O N T A C T ! !
Well said Erik is Official.
I love how you pop up in these comments with the No contact been almost a year for me 🤗💯
@Black Weirdo good morning!! How's everything?
@@cher8136 thank you. I kept it short & sweet!
@@kierrademus8092 😆....... it's the only way to carry on. That's good news. No Contact is the only way to mentally rid yourself of this person. I try to press the no contact thing for people who could use the reminder
We all tend to blame ourselves for the downfall of the relationship because we've been gaslit to believe that. I need to keep reminding myself it's not all my fault...he treats everyone this way.
7 years married and after the first year it was a downward spiral from then on. Blamed myself for so much of the lack of intimacy I began to feel around her. "What could I do to make it better?" was always in the back of my mind. She loved me so much so why was it that it seemed I didn't? I knew I did. She would bring up issues she had and no matter how I handled it I was told I didn't care or that I just wanted to put her down or that she just didn't feel like she could come to me anymore (the first year I was always told I was the only one that understood her and how I was so understanding and not like most men she had dated). Was told more and more often I was an angry person. She acted like I was stuck hating my life and even wrote me (at the time it seemed sweet) little notes about how she would always be there for me and help me get through things and how I should focus on the good. I was miserable but kept trying to be a better husband. Then it got worse. She stopped really being around me at all at home. Constantly in the bedroom. Would randomly come out only to berate me for not helping around the house enough. I told myself I was going to do more for her. Try to make us happy again. I found myself doing more and more of the chores while I noticed she started to do nothing but lock herself in the bedroom. She never recognized if I did the things she berated me for not doing yet if I didn't recognize when she did them she would tell me I didn't appreciate her and was controlling. I resisted these notions but it made things worse and it would lead to arguments where it was always turned to look at how angry I was and how hurtful I was to her. I hated being mean to her. I just wanted to make things like they were our first years together. Eventually I Walked in to find her sexting another man. Found out she was having multiple affairs for at least 5 of our 7 years. Found she had an affair with my brother in law and that our youngest I had raised for 3 years was not biologically mine. I am still finding myself blaming me for things that I have no closure in. Why? Why did she do it? But I have enough evidence. Seen many of the texts to the affairs. I was never anything to her. Just used. The extent to which she went to lie and get away with it is astonishing. Found the messages to the man she was having an affair with during a specific 2 month period of time where she made feel me awful for going on a business trip that I had to go on. She told him she had been working on me for couple of months now so I wouldn't suspect a thing then when he mentioned he would have been suspicious she just implied I was dumb and was not like him. Those two months she guilt me for having fun on a business trip and that she deserved a trip. Told me I was controlling and got to have all the fun. Getting out now but still I get caught up in blaming myself like if maybe I had done this or that she wouldn't have felt she needed to cheat. Or maybe if I hadn't gotten so mad she wouldn't have gaslighted me. My Therapist put it like this. "If a person is poking a bear with a stick knowing that it may make it aggressive and attack, and the bear bites that person. Do you blame the bear for that person getting bit or the person that was poking the bear?"
We shouldn't blame ourselves for getting angry at them. I saw something off and was defensive. Yes I got mad but in the end I was inadvertently seeing manipulation and lying and reacting. She filmed those reactions to then smear campaign me to friends and family telling them I was emotionally abusing her. One example I have is she went on about how she hated the neighbor lady and how she cheated on her husband and did cocaine and she used her to much (she would ask my wife to make these signs for her all the time). I responded with "Wow! Maybe you shouldn't be hanging with her then. Sounds like she isn't that great of a friend to have." My wife then said "Oh I am going to go over there tonight and hangout. Do you think you can handle the kids for a few hours?" I was floored. So I said "Wait? You just said you hated her. Why are you going over there?". That turned into me being told I was controlling and didn't want her to have friends and a bunch of other stuff.
@@zacharykassner9002 i wish there was a react other than "like" because it doesn't sound appropriate. I'm sorry you went through this. She lovebombed you in the beginning the same way both my exs did to me. I was with one for 12 years who treated me basically the exact same way. I know the frustration it leaves behind because you know that no one knows what you know about this person and you feel very alone. I have 3 kids with him. A few years ago he managed to turn a few of my family into flying monkeys. Their power of manipulation is just mind blowing. I am looking forward to the day I never have to interact with him again. That's difficult with kids...but I've been mastering grey rock finally. We do just have to remember it's the way they are with everyone and we can move on to have healthy relationships after we heal, they likely cannot. They will be this way forever. Got to accept and move on.
Wow! This is me right now….so confused. Never been in a narc relationship before and won’t ever be again. It’s going to take a long time & a lot of self healing ❤️🩹 but I’m determined. Love to all who have been here x
She is the most amazing woman.I have walked into the light and found clarity in my life because of the wisdom I have gained through her knowledge and honesty.
I remember when I was in the relationship with my ex-husband and I felt completely confused, anxious, stressed & lonely by his mood changes, meanness, silent treatment and cruelty....one day I ask why are you trying me this way, And he stood there looking stupid like he didn't understand what I was saying, so I said again quit looking stupid because you know exactly what you're doing to me, you know what you're doing. And that's when I knew this was over. He is a covert narcissist and his public self was very important to him, while he treated me literally like s*** at home. I'm so glad I'm done with all that!
SAME thing happened to me!!!
I like to be a man about the house.
Like my father when he tried, our wives almost will resent the notion.
Habits change in family, career and places of occupancy. People don't necessarily need alienation to understand they don't match the needs of others. I just like to find a part of the home that feels like a retreat 🙏
Narcissists don't expect that you'll call them out on their gaslighting, being one way to others, being another way to you. They expect you to remain confused and disoriented so they can keep getting supply. They sometimes enjoy when you desperately plead for them to give you breadcrumbs, because they know they have you. They may also be confused when you begin to figure them out, because they have suddenly lost their control over you, or might lose it. Hopefully it doesn't become a desperate rage. Narcissists hate it when people become independent of them and disconnect from them, they feel like an infant whose parent abandoned them on the side of the road. This, however, is no reason to return back to an abusive adult person or relationship.
Thank goodness you are free of that toxic relationship but your ex husband could be my ex narcissistic partner. Exactly the same behaviour!
@@melmatthews5876 Indeed, the details may be different but the behavioral patterns are nearly identical across the board.
One day, I decided to simply contradict myself, and go with opposing my own views, to see how the narc would react. On that day, I realized that it didn't matter what I said, every position was opposed: if I said left, they said right, if I said right, they said left; if I said up, they said down, if I said down, they said right. It was incredibly enlightening, to realize that, it didn't matter what I did, they ALWAYS chose an opposing view. As a result, might as well live with the REAL decisions you want, and avoid the fights/walk away ... best way to live your life without confusion.
Four Toes: Ha Ha, I’ve done similar experiments. With the same results. Glad to see I’m not the only one who wanted to check how the wind changes direction. Once you realize the arbitrary nature of the beast, there’s much less confusion.
Exactly. And no matter what you believe, they will find the flying monkeys to do some smear campaign with. They will attack your character from different angle from both sides. They will turn the left on you, they will turn the right on you. It really doesn't matter what you think or stand for. What matters is to discredit you and push you down. They will come up with the argument against you in both ways. But so what... I learned that I know myself better than these smear campaigns. I don't need a "crowd" to prove who I am for others. Or myself.
Interesting experiment you did. Eye opening. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you. I’m going to try it. ☺️
Yes, exactly I went no contact. I literally did call them ( him) out. I told him that it's just a crappy relationship or really his presence is sickening. I didnt care about the mean things he would say to me and the blame shift BS and I told him I didnt care and I'm done. It's funny in a sense that he would say the usual " nobody could put up with you" and " how everyone thinks about "me BS. I told him " whoever your everyone's are are not my concerns" and by the way " who the hell are they" I didnt want him to name them and he couldn't name them anyway because there wasnt anyone that we both knew in common. The only others that might be who he reflects about are his 3 grown daughters. 🙄 anyway, bottom line is, I blowing this popsicle stand and you cant come with me 😁 take care everyone ❤
"HIS GOOD DAYS ARE A WEAPON" I never thought about him that way. At 70 years old his NARCISSISM has not onlybtalen my joy but ruined his life too.
70… I’m so sorry for you Wendy.
I think this is a good lesson for younger people to not allow years to waste by in abuse
@@alivc2458 THE PROBLEM IS THAT I LIVED WITH A NARCISSISTIC FATHER AND BROTHER AND THOUGHT ALL MEN WERE THAT WAY. I MARRIED 2 AND LIVED WITH 3 ABUSIVE MEN WHO WERE SUCCESSFUL MALIGNANT NARCISSISTS. THE LAST ONE. 70 YEAR OLD...WAS A COVERT NARCISSIST UNTIL I MOVED IN...THEN HE THOUGHT HE OWNED ME.
Self gaslighting - absolutely. My ex husband was everyone's best friend. My family included. There were some, my narcissistic mother included, who didn't understand how *I* managed to get such an awesome guy. They adored him. I told myself almost daily that there was something wrong with me to be unhappy when I had the perfect marriage to the perfect man. That I was making things difficult for him. That I was just too much of a mess to be able to be in a relationship. It's a horrible, horrible place to be. More than a decade later I'm still trying to learn how to be nicer to myself; to see my own worth and not in relation to anyone else.
I just got out of a relationship with a narcissist. He actually broke it off, said some horrible things to me, wouldn’t let me explain myself and said he was done. So I said “finally”. I’m free. He blocked me for about a month, and I was really starting to feel strong again then out of the blue I get the “hi” text. Yes I can block him, and I did....but seeing that text triggered me. I immediately started to panic because I felt like he still had control. He’s finally out of the picture for good. I feel sorry for the next woman.
When my phone would ring and I would see his number 🤦🏻♀️13months narc free and he still causes me anxiety 🤦🏻♀️ we can beat this
I got a phone call out of the blue from a an old narcissist right after I went no contact from another one. I immediately blocked his number and did not engage. The thought crossed my mind that perhaps my recent narcissist had contacted my old one to try to get in contact with me because the timing was uncanny but I discarded the thought.
Out of 7+ yrs, I've only gone narc free 1-3 months, several time through out the relationship. He'd always break it off with me. Then all of sudden, yes..the " hi" txt or a call. I would freak out and there's the anxiety... Heart racing, trembling, feeling weak. Then the worst thing, Id respond. Fall into it all over... again...! Then I'd be so disappointed with myself, and so...confused!!! Why did I respond, why did I allow him back, time after time? Smh I know I'm not happy. But he'd gaslight me, manipulate, throw guilt at me, blame. But I'm confused now, today. I know I'm truly unhappy with him, but why do I give him anytime of day?? Responding to his negative thoughts, assumptions, false accusations n blame, just cause me so much anxiety n stress. I know it's wrong of me. But I feel I can't pull the band-aid off at once, because I'm scared he may find a way to get at me. Even though I've grown stronger, a bit , on how to stop convo with him, not responding or stopping mysrlf when it's
negative. He'll say he's done or he can't deal with ME anymore, he'll twist it around, saying im manipulating him, smh. Once he says bye, I just don't contact anymore, but it only takes him a day or 2 to txt me back with blame pitty n guilting. As if I'm the on who broke it off. I just want out!!
@@malyssa1979
You come across as very honest.
I think your truth is going to set you free.
It's not an overnight process but you seem well on your way
I had the same experience. After 18 months of no contact and my own healing, he contacts me, and it took almost a month to get past the triggering, and months to feel 'clean' again.
Omg! This self gas lighting is something I do all the time! I always told myself I wasn't reacting right and try to see it from their point of view. So much so I felt I wasn't even a whole person with my own ideas, ideals,opinions and beliefs. I lost my own sense of self. I'm so happy that you've discussed this!
Yes this sucks i do it to.having tears in my eyes.now im told so many times my behavior. Im finding people now to talk to
OMG me too, the way I was thinking about a situation was incorrect, it was always me who had to change and I often felt like crap. Although, I now own my portion and working toward understanding and accepting myself. I NOW KNOW that it wasn’t ALWAYS me their strong dominance can high jack your thoughts until you BECOME AWARE that they can’t. Bless you Cristale and more POWER TO US for seeking out understanding that’s flipping this around. I’m know longer in the relationship he walked away and while I’m glad to not have to experience the abuse I still have love as GOD loves me. #understanding #nojudgementofhim #selfawareness #selfevaluation
@@dawnshively6731 GREAT for you DAWN take control love you sending great vibes to you!!!
Same here
Same. It's so headmelting.
This perfectly explains why the children of narcissists usually struggle with life for their entire life. The inability to make decisions for themselves, poor judgement, and lack of skills, the most obvious of which is driving.
My confusion: he says “your everything to me, I’m so proud to be with you”, then, “your ruining everyone’s lives”! I could go on and on. My point is these relationships are bipolar in nature! I saw some
one say “street angels/home devils”, I could not help but agree. But I would add; sometimes angels, sometimes devils and you’ll never guess, because it’s the eternal crap shoot! Getting you off of your true north is the name of their game…. It’s as though they convince you that East is north today, tomorrow West is North…. You’ll never figure them out- NEVER, PERIOD. Sanity and Narcissistic relationships are oil and water. They do not mix well! At least not for long, lies are never built to last.
Wow I could have written this
I’m crying listening to this. She’s articulated so succinctly what I’ve sensed for years. The conversation with my parents was nearly verbatim!
In a round about way they are being direct at you not with you. When it's direct with you they are trying harder to make it more vulnerable for you.
Personal direction is acceptably an offer and not an unwritten ever changing code usually built on expectations and demands 🙏
Wow
♥️
Wow. Exactly the same for me...and I definitely cried too.
I've told myself that if I keep having to TRIPLE check what a person has said and done!!! That person is NOT FOR ME!!! And I cut them off without warning
That's a good guideline to have. I'm easily tricked due to my empathy.
@@SunnyDallasRealtor I used to be tricked as well and I went through the confusion as a teen right up to early adulthood. So I know not to question myself now. One thing u must also ask yourself is would those people u have empathy for do the same for you.
I love this 💯
You just described what I have felt for so many years, you describe so well. And you’re right I can’t tell many people about it because they don’t get it.
Amen to that!
They get it here.
After all my experiences, I would now rather be a bit too headstrong in my feelings and opinions. Sometimes it means I’ll be in the wrong, have to apologize, not see someone else’s perspective when I should, but there’s always room to repair something if it’s with someone you care about, and I can’t go back to the paralysis of self-doubt and people pleasing.
Same here completely
"Say it out loud to a witness" - wow, everyone here just saved 25 years of therapy. Thank you Dr. R!
I think the hardest thing is believing that they don’t care about you. Who doesn’t want to believe in them? They try harder and start each day empty.
Spot on.
This woman is Such a Diamond. Even Most mental health pro’s not understand abuse as well as she does thank u 🙏 Dr R.
'When you love someone,pls believe them the first time they tell you' ,my feelings precisely. Most people I have shared my pain with(who i thought loved me) just invalidated me. It was so painful. But through this exercise I realised that those were the people I needed to let go of. Thankyou for reinforcing this.
For me, one of the hardest parts of growing up with a narc mother was when strangers would tell me "you're so lucky to have such an amazing mother" after talking to her for an hour in the middle of Walmart(she loves to stop strangers and tell them her life story). I remember feeling so much anger, because I saw right through the game she was playing(truth teller here). But that didn't stop me from second guessing myself and gaslighting myself(I hadn't considered that as so.ething you can do to yourself). As an adult, I still second guess all of my decisions and feelings. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and I am working toward it. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of your hard work and dedication, you have a great channel!
Keep going! It gets better❤️
Good for you! Keep working🤗
‼️‼️‼️‼️
Omg , I can relate to this so much. People would talk to my mother for 20 mins and they think she is so amazing. Like Dr.Ramani said , they put up a face for the public and a different face for you. I am working on moving out but living with them is so challenging. I am wishing you well , it’s so hard. 26 years old I am now repairing my life
@@lashannacandacy2912 wishing you the best in your healing journey! We are all on different paths, and each one has its own timeline so try not to compare yourself to others who might have had "normal" parents. You are doing the best for you and that's all that matters!
My narc died. After he passed, I had full-blown hallucinations of he and I that were as vivid as real life. I "watched" the interactions we'd had. It freaked me out at first but then realized that maybe it was brain dumping all the horrors I'd been through with him. They slowly faded away over time. Moving out of the house I think helped.
Wow that sounds intense. You must be a very visual thinker.
I’m just starting to realize that I too have had a narcissistic mom and my husband who died by suicide I’m realizing was a narcissist too. I’m glade that it’s over and he can’t hurt me anymore. But I’m questioning my self with ever discussion I make now. Even with my own kids I don’t know who I can trust and who not to trust
@@suechartrand1827 so sorry. I doubt myself too now.
Oh wow…
@@suechartrand1827 ...Bless you, Darling. try to learn to totally trust - just yourself...cos you are not obliged to trust anyone implicitely... after what you have been through. Those who love you..will start to respect that.
X ;)
I can’t believe what you said about the waking up in a hotel confused. For the last 20 years I’ve been having a reoccurring dream about being in a huge hotel with hundreds of rooms and not being able to find the room I’d left my family in. Funny how I was in a relationship with a narcissist for those 20 years. These videos are so needed for people to learn and heal. They have helped me so much I can’t tell you. Thank you
The self gaslighting is something I do all the time. The struggle with confusion is very difficult. Especially when the narcissist is someone really close to you. Because you don’t know who they really are.
I use the phrase "sad and confused" to describe my relationship with him. The "I love you , I love you not" is not an understatement. Be aware; pay attention. Stay close to your inner voice. Your mental health is at stake if you stay.
I was paying attention as much as I understood at the time. One of my friends told me (after the fact) “that room wasn’t big enough for her ego” when she first met my soon to be spouse. Must have been hard not to say something at the time. 😒
THIS. I have been writing down the pattern of abuse as i become more aware of it. And i used this exact phrasing just yesterday. "Sad and confused".
It took me a long time to tell a narc, “I don’t need your permission to form an opinion about you and act on it.”
Carolyn Bahm, you don't deserve to be with a narcissist!
@@lioydwilliams1850 Thx. Years in the past, thank goodness!
@@cbahm you are welcome my dear.I am Lioyd from the States.You?
Brilliant.
Wow that's powerful. So true. I must remember this!
They even smile when they know you are confused. And will never apologize I experienced Dr. Heckle and Mr. HIDE.
Same thing here he smiles whilst confusing you and even says he’s joking with a smile. It’s crazy
I feel frozen with terror right now. My narcissist is throwing a full blown tantrum and I’m expecting the gut wrenching gut punches of accusations, guilt and shame, etc. I am trying to reign in my fear of hurt and my anger but my emotions are controlling me instead. I cannot face him until I’m in control of myself. I feel like he has stollen my support system from me.
The most frustrating thing I learn about narcissists is what I learn about MYSELF and what I contribute to continue this vicious cycle.
That’s one of the things that hits hard for me too. And how, by me absorbing and perpetuating the cycle, other reliable people and priorities in my life are being negatively impacted. This is what keeps me motivated to stay strong and stay away.
80islandia i make this statement and yet, here I am... still in his grasp as I sit in the throws of his future faking even as I rehabilitate after a major surgery in a nursing home because he refused to put off selling his home to move 3,000 miles away leaving me no where to live after my July 1st surgery... and somehow...I find myself entertaining his hoovering attempts as he professes his love for me and insists that I WILL be joining him in Florida (from California) after my last child graduates high school next year. MEANWHILE... I’m homeless RIGHT NOW because he sold his home, the home I was living in, while I was in the hospital and now all my belongings are in a hotel reserved for the homeless as I await emergency housing.
How does he STILL hold this power over me??? HOW STUPID AM I???
GrammyPammy B Believe me, you are NOT stupid. Keep watching these videos as a reality check and keep doing all the right things that you are already doing. Give yourself the patience and time to get this person out of your system. Cutting off relationships with these folks are like trying to quit a hardcore addiction. The hold is powerful. About a year and a half ago I was being triangulated over the phone by my person while I was in a psychiatric ward, so I understand how you feel. I can tell you it feels so much better to have clarity now, but it took awhile to arrive here. Much love to you and sending healing your way 🦋🌿💛
@@gulfgirl7587 my abuser/new supply made me homeless/ill too, am still suffering it all, facing court. please do not respond to those hoovers...the abuse only gets worse, I promise you..the chaos creation does not end, until you finally see their mask fully drop, the dupling delight and smirking, at your pain.. finally revealing the utter waste of all those years you loved their false self. let others, with a heart, help you from here. professionals...abuse support.. people who understand the dynamics.. rely on them, not his empty promises. trust your gut. you are already hurting..don't let him hurt you more. I did, and he so wasn't worth a bean of all that love I gave him,.
good luck recovering from your surgery, wishing you peace x
It's only a future fake if you buy into the same reasons. I don't see you yet as abandoned. It could have been a tornado sweeping all that away 🤭
Heal why not?, continue to prosper, enjoy. Hardship renews our capacity to maintain our capability as constructive beings 🙏, better as a family in unison
my narcmother pretends to be confused only to keep me explaining
I thought she was stupid. Turns out she was scheming.
OMG, mine is using "oh I must have dementia" "I don't know anything" It shuts everybody up and she has found it works very well. The last thing she has is dementia, it is just straight triangulation and game playing.
That’s a common tactic......try to say it once & leave it at that
Nothing will keep them from this parasitic behavior. Sometimes they are buying time in the moment to create their own pitch in reply, meanwhile not actually listening, almost never concerned. Rarely any value comes of it.
It's like they almost want to develop you into a conditioned idiot for the world.
I'm sorry to say, I may be wrong 🙏
Constantly (my mother)! It drove me nuts. The "playing dumb" act. 🙄
What gets me is when they Lie, manipulate, twist everything into a weapon then tell you "they were only doing it for your own good and they were only trying to help you ...."
This channel literally helped me to get out of unhealthy relationships. Thank you
Self gaslighting: Never heard of this, but wow I get it, that is the worst! And I have a feeling it is very common.
Epic comment…just opened my eyes even further after going thru a prayer and forgiving myself for choosing them….I just realized I am perpetuating my own pain
I remember the first time I was disappointed in a chocolate Easter Bunny when I was a kid. It was decorated with lots of icing and baubles but you could poke your finger through it without much effort because it was hollow. Just like a narcissist. Solid ones with substance are so much more attractive to me now.
Perfect Analogy
Exactly!
I wish it happened to me on an Easter at least a decade ago, two would have been even better. But never too late. Even if just for self.
and life is a little bittersweet, like the best chocolate
Sally Eckhoff it sure is. And sometimes like the solid bunnies we get “foiled” but hopefully not fooled again!
8.52 what to do:
1. Speak reality to self
2. Keep a record of problematic happenings (9.23)
3. Speak aloud to friend or therapist the truth about narc's behaviour (10.42)
4. Don't call the narc out (11.34)
5. Find your people (12.25)
Dr Ramani hit the nail in the head with everything in this video as she does in all of her videos.
I have called out my narcissistic husband and did exactly what she said …showing him himself on the house ring, texts etc and he did exactly what she said he would do and that was to confuse me even more! I since stopped doing that, it is not worth it at all!!
I pray that we all find the strength to overcome this abuse and find that happiness that we all so deserve ❤
Stop Walking on Eggshells is a good book to understand and take back the control ❤️🙏
I found "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist" much much better
Will look for it plan on reading it. Thanks so much Dr Ramani
Definitely! Gray rock or no contact are the only good options to keep your sanity when it comes to narcissists.
Spot on! Trying to explain what I go through is very complicated and THIS is very helpful. Thank you doc. You have carried me a looong way and I am greatful to you. Thank you!!!
After I called him out on his narcissist abuse of 27 years, he still try’s to confuse. Grey rock is important, I have mastered to hollow stare until I can financially escape.
@ C S I am praying you get out soon! The sooner the better.
You can do It! I believe in you!
Southvalleyfox .... I highly doubt that. He knows I have his number. He will move on to the next one as he has done before. She couldn’t take him either after 1 1/2 years.
I hope that happens soon. It is worth all sacrifices. I left with nothing, you can replace things, your sanity is worth it.
Susan Rhodes ..... yes, I will leave with my clothes and car. That’s a good start to me! Thank you and can’t wait for inner peace
Wow I was shaking listening to this. I feel this confusion even after the person is not in my life anymore. The person is completely not in my life anymore because the person has passed away.
Feeling confused, being gaslighted and not trusting my own thoughts is something I've experienced for years. Grew up with two narcissistic mother figures. My father and grandfather enabled them. Slowly realizing that my father has narcissistic traits too: controlling, emotionally neglectful, invalidating, he victim blames and gaslights and has emotional outbursts. Large triggers are when he is questioned or criticized, when emotional validation is requested, when he's afraid to take responsibility of something, and to take responsibility off of himself (to avoid feeling shame or guilt). He's very guilty of the "get over it" mentality with trauma and abuse, and he hasn't protected his daughters from abuse. My sisters and I always struggle with how to feel about him and are afraid to come to him with our emotional needs. His behavior isn't consistent, and he makes promises that he doesn't keep. These videos help me validate myself in moments of chaos and confusion. Thank you!!
"Don't let the narcissist be the judge and jury on themselves." So right!
Stephanie George,your pretty smile can make the news!
One of the sayings from AA is that addiction is baffling, cunning, and powerful. That's what narcissists are. Remember what the Bible tells us about the devil . . . he is cunning. He is a liar and a thief. Ultimately, the devil wants to destroy you. That's how I felt with my ex-husband. There were times when the eyes looking back at me frightened me, when I truly believed he was trying to destroy me emotionally. So there is a spiritual dimension to this phenomenon that Isn't fully acknowledged. It is truly evil. I do not say that lightly.
Toxic relationships do indeed have a harmfully addictive quality to them for some.
Great post Kristine! I truly believe it is a spiritual problem that the "world" will never acknowledge because they haven't a clue.
Well said. I have said the same about my ex husband. Currently going through the divorce process and like you I would never use the word "evil" lightly but truly it's the only appropriate word. Now that I have seen his true colours he frightens me and I have slowly realized that he would deliberately cause me harm and not bat an eyelid about it. When I have to interact with him I feel physically unwell and become really anxious. I actually searched for a prayer of protection, found a really lovely one to Archangel Michael, that's how awful it is. There's definitely a spiritual lesson in it for me as all this has made me more spiritual and aware. Genuinely believe he's actually evil, in that he's disconnected from his soul.
Kristine, I agree with you that they are evil. I was throwing up in the toilet, because I had drunk too much at a party. My then husband kneeled down next to me and told me what a stupid bitch I was because I didn't know how to hold my liquor. He was gloating and extremely cruel. I began to weep, as I was vomiting. A voice ( God?) spoke to me in my left ear and said "Get out, he's trying to kill you". Shortly thereafter, I filed for divorce. There's no question I was married to a man who was demonic. I felt as though I was sleeping with my worst enemy.
Thank you Kristine! I too saw eyes like that looking back at me. I can so relate to what you said.
Since I left him, I’ve been watching videos trying to figure out what happened. Why he was so cruel, but then did nice things for me. Thank you for your videos. You are a Godsend.
After 30 years in a relationship with a covert narcissist...I doubt myself constantly and struggling with other relationships. Constantly wondering how to respond to people and ruminating on whether I said and /or did the right or wrong thing. Learning to honour myself and relearning to respond from what's right for me. Spent far too many years thinking I was totally crazy.
I’ve been in this relationship/ marriage for over 37 years. The vast majority of my life before my brain was even fully developed. I have spent years leaving and letting him come back too many times. It’s a different reason every time. I didn’t know I was dealing with a covert narcissist. I didn’t even know anything about it really except the Greek story. I am planning out my exit to make sure this is the last exit and that I have all my ducks in a row to make sure I am mentally ready to go no contact and have no way for him t be a part of my life. I always thought there was a way to be friends or to be kind to him after leaving but it’s all impossible. It is what it is.
I thought we were going to grow old together as friends. I will never know the whole truth. Our relationship goes back over 25 years. I detached 6/5/20. I'm still mixed up in the head. My gut knows, my instincts have taken over. I just wanted peace and I just wanted out. It took my therapist to tell me about Narcissistic Abuse. I didn't even know what NPD was.
@ Ovina Gee, I didn't know what it was either, but when I did find out, all those years later, I ran as fast as I could.
So important to listen to your gut and body! I am the first to say that the brain can be slow to catch up. Thanks for sharing this and congrats on your freedom. I wish you healing and strength.
Ovina Gee ..... same, 25 years of hell. He destroyed a loving family, home, and a normal life. All gone. Nothing left.
@@CS-iv8tk They destroy everything. They really are evil.
, too late now I'd say.
Accept the help to recover, using a new education and awareness to mend and restore but keep your generosities limited while you build your new future meanwhile with greater purpose to succeed 🙏
'Trust' knowing the destructive intent it can be made of in the wrong hands, those don't deserve the pleasure 💙
he main problem in being stuck with narcissism is about not seeing that narcissist for who they really are!!!!!!!!! They are a confusing mess that makes others confused until we
See them for who they are!
I have never known such a disabling feeling. I didnt know what had happened. It almost drove me crazy! I was in a kind of fog. A year on. I'm still working on it. Im out and that's the main thing for me. Thank God!
My ex would get so angry whenever I said, “Wait. I’m confused”. I now realize he hated it because I was too rational and intelligent and starting to figure it out- it wasn’t me.
Now, whenever I feel something is off, feel intuition spiking, and/or question out of confusion, I take a break. This has been invaluable in navigating dating. I trust my intuition. I ask questions sometimes, but mostly just move on.
Narcissists hate to be questioned when they are trying to disorient you. It throws the ball of accountability back in their court. A healthy-minded person would want to explain and make sure you understood. A narcissist just gets annoyed getting caught in the act.
@@danielkaiser8971 Yasss! 👍
I need to learn to do this. No more giving someone I'm dating the benefit of the doubt.
Very true. Dont ever go against your intuition. You might not know exactly what it is yet but its telling you something isnt right
Narcs Looove to keep you confused because it causes unpredictability. That way, they'll always dominate over you. They thrive in chaos. If they notice their surroundings or relationships calming down a little bit, they'll CREATE fights & arguments. It's to keep your running around on a crazy goose chase & they get to hold power over you. They'll be so satisfied after doing something confusing & contradictory.
I LOVED that comment Dr. Ramani made on another video where she said " you Don't want to be serving up your pain to someone whose going to melt it into Bullets and use them on you later " . Brilliant ! Spot On !
“The good days become the weapon” so true
Lucinda Mitchell,You look stunning,Hope you are not with a narcissist.....
Thank you Dr. Ramani for helping people to take control of their life❤️❤️.
She’s a godsend!
@@ALISONROSE96 Yes she is
I'm ruminating a lot, and I always feel confused. Always second guessing decisions too.
Hope things are better for you now..
I need to cut ties and be steadfast in my decision...
"Hold onto your reality". He'd often try to gaslight me, and I told him he would not mess with my mind. I know my reality.
Was on RUclips and searched “was I too sensitive or is he insensitive” stumbled upon her videos and man did I need these. My ex (we’ve been together almost a year broke up a few times on his account only for him to say he wants to be together). We still talk and see each other regularly but I can’t seem to get over him. I’ve seen videos that I’m like yea maybe he is a narcissist but watched Dr.Ramani just answered that question for me. Dealing with lies, verbal abuse, no empathy from a partner and having someone that leaves when you question them with the truth or call them out just took a lot from me. After telling a few friends and my dad what all happened (the real relationship) they were like why are you still putting up with that. Dating a narcissist just puts you in a tunnel vision mindset when you don’t know what even going on. They make you feel so mad some days then when you try to communicate and talk it out they either say they don’t have time or done care or say I never said that or you’re hurting your own feelings and you begin to believe them. Hardest thing ever that I’ve dealt with and it broke me. Used to cut people off so easily but for some reason he has a hold on me it’s so crazy. Her videos really put it into perspective that I’m not crazy or my feeling are invalid they’re just made to look that way so they don’t have to deal with them. 😪mentally drained and even feel like it’s my fault but need to move on for me it’s a day to day challenge but I’m finding myself again.
Have been trying to walk this out for 30 years. I wish i had known about this so long ago. The shame and confusion are a REAL thing and I'm a strong person.
sure you are! 30 years, cant even imagine the strength this took.
DanaD 1234 hang in there, wishing you freedom and peace of mind ❤️
@@sarahalessa78 Thank you ❤
@@Rain9Quinn Thank you also ❤
Be strong and keep the wisdom in Dr. Ramani video "Freedom in a Narcisstic Relationship". Keep your freedom to think.
I seriously questioned my own sanity, now I know what was happening to me I'm beginning to heal. Thanks Doctor Ramani for your teachings. xx
After discarding my NF, I did second guess if I was in the wrong despite depleted energy and being down-spirited. Yes it sounds negative thinking of all the gaslighting and the LIES in order to re-anchor myself but I need to help me now.
I just watched your other video on losing empathy after a narc abuse. It gave me hope that I would be able to find myself again.
Thank you Dr Ramani. You truly help a lot of us.
Oh yes. Hold onto your reality, find your people, stand in your truth! Thanks once again for clarity and reassurance. A lifelong lesson worth learning.
“Please hold onto your reality”. Thank you and please yell it louder for those in the back.
Lies are confusing.
Pain is debilitating.
The truth is all that matters.
Let's be around folks who allow us to be ourselves & relax.
Yep, lies are the worst. But then with a Narc everything about them is false, fabricated, ghosted, vanished... just withered away.
jcsrst Amen
They are so toxic . Their hypocrite pretense makes it hard for us to get it early enough.
I was in a narcissistic relationship for 4 months. And on the 4th month i find myself googling "how to know if im a narcissist". He made me believe i was the narcissist it's crazzzyyyy
This is so home... She told me we'd do all these things, after school, after this, after that. always leading me on..
This is exactly how I felt in my relationship with my narcissistic mother. I spent my entire childhood asking myself ' why does she hate me so much?? I thought she loved me". Thank you for your channel it has helped me heal. Please do a video on Mother/daughter relationships which is so traumatizing and heartbreaking and has taken me years to recognise that I was abused.
Yes! Mother/daughter relationship. My mother has told me "You have hated me the day you were born." I have never hated my mother but she tells me constantly that I do not love her. And I have to prove it. So much healing needed.
@@julessch7004that is so abusive. I’m so sorry she torments you like this. My mom said to me a few months ago, after I told her you have never really “loved” me, for just being me, that I should have been an abortion. Later trying to say she wasn’t serious, it was “just words”. She’s called me evil countless times even though I would save an ant from water and then feed the fella and I’m the pacemaker in the family, or I was until she gossiped to everyone that I abuse her, verbally. When I am reacting to her nonstop abuse, even physical abuse. It’s the hardest thing to overcome, because it’s our “mom”, The person who should make you feel safe. So much grief. I hope you find the love, respect and honor you deserve.🙏🏽
Same here.