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How Your ADHD Affects Your Relationships
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- Опубликовано: 14 авг 2024
- Dr. K’s Guide to ADHD and Doing Stuff is all about taking back control over your attention and motivation so you can start doing the things you WANT to do.
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▼ Timestamps ▼
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0:00 - Disclaimer
0:11 - Introduction
3:48 - ADHD and relationships
7:57 - It's not ALL bad
13:24 - What can I do about it?
16:25 - Set expectations
21:57 - Externalising the problem
24:40 - Lack of anchoring
28:16 - Defining expectations is key
30:55 - Knowing what's coming
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DISCLAIMER
Healthy Gamer is an online community and resource platform for gamers and their families. It does not provided medical services or professional counseling, and it is not a substitute for professional medical care. Our coaches are peer supporters, not professionally trained experts, and they cannot provide medical service. If you or a loved on are experiencing an emergency, please call your nation's emergency telephone number.
All guests of Healthy Gamer are informed of the public, non-medical nature of the content and have expressly agreed to share their story.
my boyfriend has adhd and hooooo boy is it a struggle sometimes. but tbh ive never even once considered kickimg him out. instead ive sat myself down and took the time to learn about the disorder and everything it entails. we work thru it together. i dont regret a single day with him despite how hard it can be at times. im not judging those who cant handle it, but ppl who r struggling need that support!!! its so important!! kicking them out is just not the answer :(
As someone with ADHD, I salute partners like you & my fiance. o7 Hope it all goes well.
This is why I repeatedly addressed very early in the relationship, that I won't be easy to deal with. Dare I say that I'm absurdly hard to deal with, as I know that I'm forgetful, I loop around my problems a lot, and I haven't found my way out of it.
Well I'm actually slowly scooting my way closer to a way out, I think. I can't know until I'm there. It's an agonizingly slow progress, so I'm forever grateful of partner's patience & support as I work on taking better steps after each failure. It's very precious.
I'll never really understand how a person can stand 2nd-hand suffering by being with an ADHD partner. It's apparently because the pros of ADHD is charming (wild creativity, talents, endless brainstormed thoughts, good humor etc), but like I can barely even stand having to live with myself y'know? What a blursed brain condition, hahah
Damn you a real one. I wish you two the best .
You should and no one should blame you.
Damn thank you for being like this 🙏🏻
You don’t even imagine what a relief having someone like you is, to your partner.
Hope you are doing great 🙏🏻
As long as he is willing to be open and take responsibility where he can I think this is very commendable. Much love to you both.
The 25yo ragging on a 17yo to have their life together isn't on. Why are you dating that young they're in a massively different stage of life to you
yeah wth lol ppl are do dumb i swear, everyone knows that stuff like that isn't right
I do this to this day lol 🤣 since I was like 14. (27 now)
I'm very flexible and I often end up dating older because I have some idea they're more mature. In some cases they are but not in every way and often not in the ways that matter.
The other contributing factor is the difference in the way different generations behave. If I dated someone who constantly said stuff like "it's lit fam", "that's very sus", "yolo", etc. My ears would bleed. Although if I had fallen in love with someone who said those things I'd probably adjust as long as they don't over do it lol.
That’s like asking a 6 month old baby why they can’t walk yet, like shit give them a chance
17 is still a minor too. Obviously, the 25 year old preyed on the 17 year old who is already insecure from depression and ADHD. He’s totally taking advantage of the insecure young vulnerable child. Therefore, in my opinion it’s not just ADHD. This is pure manipulation of a young mind.
Yes I agree with this you can’t be mad at her cause she is on a previous Developmental stage cause there is a 8 years difference of experience
The 8 year age diff. + instability of living arrangements/parental support makes this seem more like a financial abuse situation, not an ADHD issue...
Perhaps, but Dr. K zoomed in on the ADHD aspect and it is just an example he chose to accompany his general insight, which is what he is primarily talking about
People with neurodivergence can be more at risk of abuse / controlling behaviour.
Even so, the information he is giving is great to hear for someone in a situation like that. Why? Because by successfully following steps, you’re going to quickly realize you’re less and less of the problem, and what the real problem is.
Ya wish that had been brought up… I was like there are a lot of red flags here from the partners
@@abi6592i believe it's healthier to realise the situation yourself than to blatantly be told it's a bad situation.
He also doesn't know the full extent of the situation/the other's side of it. To say that the relationship is abusive without that knowledge can do a lot of damage.
I'm 23, and 17 years old is hella young.
Why would you expect a 17 year old get their life together? Get someone around your age.
Yeah all of this sounds like the partner is manipulating a 17 to make him feel worthless and without help
yeah i'm surprised he never mentioned this
The guy who’s 25 probably doesn’t want to date/be a partner with someone his age because he’d be called out on his toxic bullshit.
It’s also telling that Dr. K glosses over the (illegal/statutory) age gap but the fact that people with ADHD are more often to be found in toxic/troublesome relationships like these…
22 here, 17 year olds are like kids to me now.
@@rachel_sj i dont think there was any glossing over. he saw a situation that he could shed some light on, and did. could he have spoken to that gap and the complications that could arise? sure, but i think it would dilute his message that he was trying to get across. did u really need to hear him say, “this age gap is bad”?
oh man i already know this one is going to hurt
But we should be thankful these kind of content is free so shut up and listen in small chunks xD
It has to hurt. Shit ain’t EAZY.
@@neuroalpha1795 this
Eat a stick 🤣
@@neuroalpha1795 Totally not the point, but OK. 😋
Regarding the age gap: I was surprised it wasn't addressed more so I did some digging and found the OP mentioned in the comments of her original post that the 1st relationship lasted 8 years, so she is certainly older in her current relationship.
This needs to be upppp
Even if it was all lie what op said it still could help other people
@@Celine76488 No reason to think it was a lie, people are just missing that that the 17/25 was op's old relationship and they didn't specify ages for the current one.
As someone in a dual adhd relationship who was planning a conversation this weekend, this is so timely. Thank you!
Who else feels like watching this video is like going to a meeting/to class and expecting to watch someone else's presentation about something and then discovering the presentation is all about you and it's scarily accurate? It's not that I thought I was alone with my problems, just that I'm only recently starting to recognize that I'm having problems, and Dr. K is 10 steps ahead of me, with a description of the problems and steps to begin to solve them. I'm really grateful for Dr. K.
felt exactly the same
I have undiagnosed adhd and only just recently understood the severity of it. I always thought that one day I'd just have my goals and aspirations sorted out and figured out how to be organized but it seems like it'll never happen. I'm glad Dr k and this community provides a lot of insight and help but the fact that there's so much work to be done just to work normally and to just communicate and manage relationships makes me feel like such a bothersome person. I guess my depression is triggered because why do I have to spend the rest of my life walking on eggshells and figuring out what to do and what not to do
I don't have adhd medication in my country and therapy is not available. I am planning on reading adhd books and learning more but it just makes me sad like why do I have to live like this
When society values structure, people who aren't structured are seen as having character flaws.
It's not our fault, but it's our problem. ❤️
It's not fair, but I think we have an important skillset to offer society, even if society doesn't appreciate it.
I love the precision and directness of Dr. K’s ADHD insights. I love this format of content and his desire to promote this platform. Started to watch several videos and im amazed at the frequency of revelations per video even with non-title-related topics.
As someone who feels pretty seasoned with adhd and spent a lot of time studying, researching, introspecting, strategizing, correcting, and avoiding therapy, brute forcing myself into the “high functioning” non-therapy-needing adhd category, i feel like i “know” all the heuristics, structures, and how to accept failures, and examine the why’s of fails. But really I don’t remember a time when I don’t feel like I’m out of the gunning/stalling/repeat cycle. and then you hear things like 1. “you HAVE to see what’s coming next” and 2. “adhd actually increases toxic authoritarian and unempathic parenting”. And I’m like holy shit I respond to my own adhd in a toxic authoritarian and unempathic way… and also in relationships when I see it in a partner… and it was because we didn’t prioritize the importance of seeing what was coming next! I just don’t know if I can ever as I have never experienced this level of therapeutic insight in therapy. Dr. K you’re doing a lot for a significant silent population. Please continue! I’m here for it
"I was 17 and he was 25" huge red flag right at the start. The way she talks about him suggests to me he is an insecure 25 year old trying to control her (i.e. putting you down and kicking you out frequently). The second guy sounds pretty bad too, he puts her down and tries to control her speech. It wouldn't surprise me if the age gap is large with him too. Older people who are insecure and immature only want to go for fresh-faced, barely legal people (and also potentially people with mental health struggles) because they are easier to manipulate and control.
@@crumbtember well he doesn't know much about the partners beyond what was given in the post, so my guess is he's avoiding making any assumptions about her partners and just focusing on her own situation
Yup that's how I was groomed at 18
@@jenbooob no he just doesn't want to start drama because unfortunately some people will get mad if you call out such an outrageous age gap.
He's focusing on the problem thats given in the post and not judging the situation its an unbiased opinion and thats what op needed help with not the age gap.
It's so rich hearing about this 25 year old complaining that the 17 year old they're dating is still working through their emotions and personal development. Gee maybe they should try dating someone their own age
I’m 34 and I really wish I had known this 10 years ago. Please guys/gals - let’s start working on these things so we can all treat each other a little better. ❤
Folks is a great gender neutral term that includes guys, gals, and non-binary people.
@@shelbyannechien7413 non binary people are the /
@@shelbyannechien7413 or everypony
@@Andrea-fd2bw no
@@kevin1135100 Sorry i was high
Yes- formulating and communicating cohesive thoughts can be challenging. Sometimes by the time I can clarify wtf was going on with my mind & explain my intentions the people I wanna clarify it to are gone from my life 🤷♀️
I feel this so much. My brain is still processing interactions from YEARS ago sometimes.
@@ssykes7 if only the imaginary conversations I have in the shower could happen in real life 😆
I think this is where acceptance and commitment therapy comes into play.
@@savitasharma7399👍😊
This reminded me of a girl I started talking to shortly into the pandemic. I have my own business and I was working A LOT, which made her tell me how I was "Chaotic" and she was worried about being with someone who has ADHD after doing some research about it. Being in a relationship would bring some normalcy into my life. Without it, I run on the schedule of working a lot, feeling bored and lonely, then using coping strategies, such as buying things I may or may not need to get a short term boost in happiness.
Don’t leave anything ambiguous, set the expectations and be clear with detail. Put your thoughts on paper to avoid forget it when your attention wanders and having to do everything from scratch.
If I make that priority list in the morning, it helps to get started, but in an hour or so...where's that list? I started out with #1, but got sidetracked by something that wasn't even on the list. I often forget to eat, until I'm weak and off-balance from hunger.
It's wild to me just how clearly you were able to verbalize/break down *exactly* how my brain works. I've been scrambling trying to explain all of these struggles to people in my life for YEARS and somehow I feel like I always come short of the right words. Then they'll insist I've already told them this and that when here I thought I had found a new/better way to explain. I often can't even remember what I've said or what I haven't to begin with; it's rough. Communication with ADHD can be incredibly difficult.
Anyway THANK YOU so much for this video. I hope that more people can recognize that ADHD is a genuine struggle, and that less ADHDers go through repetitive trauma from being constantly misunderstood.
I’m a new follower on this channel, but god bless this man, he already helped me more than my local shrinks did who didn’t really give a damn about me as a patient
You should still look for a medical professional. This is like eating poop and then saying "ew, eating in general is gross!"
@@StarmenRock I agree with you an I will look for a better specialist, what I meant is that I observed people working with delicate, private stuff with no dedication to their work, especially compared to the owner of this channel.
@@StarmenRock Most of them are scammers.
@@user-kt6wv2pn6k It's hard to find good people who are also good at their job. Some people pick a career and seem to get stuck with it and are unable to change afterwards. This results in people who are doing their job, but not doing it well and often just enough to earn a paycheck. This has been my experience anyway. When you do find that person, it can be amazing.
@Thomas Since no one else has mentioned this and only circle-jerked the anti-therapist perspective in the comments, I guess I’ll point it out. I find it deliciously ironic that you would assert that there are “so many terrible psychologists” mere seconds after also stating (presumably with a straight face) “In five hours I gained ZERO insight on my situation."
Therapy is supposed to take months, and in severe cases, it can take a year or more. I genuinely don’t know what to say in regards to the fact you’d judge a therapist's expertise in their field after expecting them to give you some brain blast of insight after a mere five hours of treatment. Just, wow. I can see Dr. K’s videos have unintentionally warped people's perspectives about reasonable expectations for clinical therapeutic treatment. Quite unfortunate.
Bro I'm sorry but it's a 600 foot wavy red flag when a 25 year old even wants to have anything to do with a 17 year old girl.
It's a red flag.
I don't mind the age gap. But, it's can easily be a bad situation.
Honestly, I feel like the ball was dropped in this conversation. The age gap with a potential minor (17) and an adult (25) is glaring. If they moved in at such a young age, it makes me think they had a not so good/supportive childhood. Staying with a partner who has kicked you out indicates bad/loose boundaries and a lack of self respect. Wanting to solve all the problems in the relationship by yourself shows heavy codependency. It also indicates magical thinking,” if only I had done x y z then we could still be living together.” This is all very bad and very alarming.
OP needs to find stability on her own- go to a college where she can live in a dorm. Find an apartment/condo in a low income area. Anything. Because if she keeps leaving herself vulnerable to manipulative and bad people, then they will come to her again and again. And worse yet, what if a potential kid is thrown into the mix? Ultimately, I think she needs to do a lot of self reflection, create positive connections, and learn good boundaries before she can safely pursue another romantic relationship.
yeah the current relationship is full of red flags and the ex sounds blatantly abusive
there's a lot that happens between 17 to 25. this is a full grown adult dating a teenager. how did dr k not talk about the power imbalance and insidiousness here.
finally, i was looking for this comment ! why dr k ignored all of this and focused on something that really isnt the problem here??? she is clearly used and abused by her partners and she needs to take care of herself. she depleted HER SAVINGS , moved across the country without a job for this pos guy!! and he wants to KICK HER OUT NOW???? he should pay her back for everything, for work done in the house AND for money she spent to go there. and even better, HE SHOULD BE THE ONE TO LEAVE. fucking asshole. im so mad on her behalf i cant even.
that's not what magical thinking is. "if I had done x,y,z we could be living together" is a legitimate idea. magical thinking is connecting unrelated events together. "Because I have gossiped about him he had a traffic accident" "Because I failed to go to gym I got fired from my job". It's an issue of schizotypy and OCD.
In my mind, the post was just a vessel for the conversation at hand. The details of the post were less important than the opportunity to address a very specific element of ADHD discussion.
I don’t know if that’s good, bad, right, wrong, whatever, but that’s what I took from it.
Where the hell are 3 & 4 who knows
😂😂😂
I was laughing so much at the random numbers bc it’s spot on!
This really hits for me too bc I’m currently renovating a house with my partner that I had no plans of doing so. Sometimes you get what you get with a PCS and here we are.
Every thing he is saying is spot on and it works! If expectations are laid out, however sloppy, we’re smooth. When something is assumed and we haven’t discussed it, shit hits the fan and we have to bring it back down and regroup.
@HealthyGamer is my favorite channel rn bc the content is gold
This is big in my relationship. Whenever my fiance asks me to do something i always ask when she would like it done by. Otherwise our timelines are way out of sync and we both end up frustrated.
I’ve been really feeling like I’m living in a state of never ending crisis and my crisis management skill is just about maxed out.
This video has really reinforced my decision to start reducing my intake of things to juggle so I can take the time to improve my organization and planning skills.
This analysis is painfully relevant to my current situation. I'm in tears right now. I'm going to share this with my wife and see if I can get the ball rolling on improving things. Thanks Dr K.
I hope it went well.
One thing that has helped me regulate expectations about myself, and an ex partner that also had ADHD, is a swedish military proverb:
Everything takes twice as long as you think, and nothing takes less than an hour.
I've learned that a lot of times when I think "this should just take five minutes", reality is more like 30-60 minutes unless I've got repeated experience of it actually taking five minutes.
Also, if I got like an hour and have "one quick thing" I must do before the hour is up, but I also wanna do something else, it has been useful to think "if it's quickly done I can do it now and then keep doing the fun thing".
Don't manage to do this every time, but it does help in the big picture.
Thank you so much! I'm going to try to remember this proverb!
You could apply that similarly to two productive tasks where one is dragging out and you really need to move on to the next task. You can do the thing you like more (even if it’s all work) later. Might have a better insight too after setting it aside. Thanks.
You perfectly described how my mind works but i have no ADHD diagnosis. I greatly suspect that I have it tho. People keep telling me stuff like this: "You have no problems if you would just do it." But I can't just do it dude.
My mum and I had arguments that went like "why can't you do the thing?" "Idk why I just can't do it." for 15 years until I had the bright idea of getting an adhd diagnosis.
Get a diagnosis! I was suspecting I had it from earlier, but had a childish idea that I wasnt gonna let myself be labeled. I have always been incredibly good at what I do, except doing what was expected, by myself and others. Could sit in my room for days, trying my hardest to clean up, without lifting a finger. Shamefully aware that the results was me looking like I wasnt doing anything, but my experience of the situation was that I was trying my absolute hardest. Several other issues due to not living up to my potential and whatnot, leading to depression and anxiety as well.
Recently got diagnosed at age 26 and my life has absolutely taken a turn for the better. Im still the same, I just know myself better now, and so do the people around me. Just knowing the cause of some of my issues has helped me immensely.
Self-diagnosing can lead to more problems tho, so take it up with your doctor if you choose to find out.
@@ryno4ever433 ADHD and Intelegence is two different things. Your intellectual abilit has nothing to do with ADHD. But ADHD can make it 10x harder to achive our fullest potential.
me too, self diagnosing is just so wrong. but my mom has it, my brother has symptoms too. I am also super aware that i MIGHT have it too but i am in denial.
@@ryno4ever433 People with ADHD are not more likely to have higher intelligence, that has been debunked long ago, it's basically the same as the general populace (I get your frustration with not being able to apply your skills and struggling a lot though, I'm in a similar position but I wouldn't ever dare call myself smart even if others say I am)
As someone with adhd I've found that I get along best with adhd. We can follow wild lines of thought and tell each other anything and neither of us ever really gets offended by each other. We can even help each other make lists of things to do.
ive never vibed as hard as i did with someone else woth adhd. we played videogames together alot and we hardly had to communicate what the other needed to do. now saying all this we did have a really really dumb argument about basically nothing and havent really talked since :(
@@Imorteus Yeah arguments can happen sometimes. There's a lot to be said there but I think there's a basic idea this is potentially one reason stoicism can be important. And trust. Trust that when someone does something you didn't like, they didn't intentionally do it because you don't like it. And I'm sure there are people who *would* do this but those are the people we wouldn't want to be friends with right?
THIS. I was thinking the whole time, just find a partner with ADHD. Downside is you can run the risk of enabling each other and living in perpetual chaos if you're not careful. But if you both put good faith effort into figuring these things out together, it can work. The shared understanding and your brains working similarly can really help make up for it if you can figure out the strategies and systems that work for you both.
OP was in an abusive relationship. Now, OP is in another abusive relationship. Saying it how it is.
the concept that adhd increases "toxic behaviors" in the other party sounds bad. Nothing absolves abusers, like it's justified because of ADHD. Its like saying "I get angry when he doesn't do exactly as I say". No one has control over another human being.
@@zensoundsarah9209 The research isn’t absolving toxic authoritarian behavior. It’s noticing that parents and authority figures are reacting to ADHD symptoms in a specific way. If anything, the research is encouraging us to do the opposite of perpetuating toxic authoritarian behavior because it doesn’t fix or reduce symptoms in a healthy way over the long term.
...and getting into those situations is more likely if you have ADHD. Your point?
Neurodivergent people have a higher likelihood to get manipulated and abused partly because they struggle with social and financial issues someone can "rescue" them from.
Also, I don't know if this is true or not, but I read that people who grow up in high stress or abusive environments are more likely to develop neurodivergence if they have the predisposition, while a healthy environment may not trigger conditions.
I am very ADHD. I'm so lucky my husband talks about everything. We have been struggling for the last 2 years with because it's getting harder to find things to talk about. We finally found out what has been causing and are working it out pretty well. I have conditioned myself to delay emotions because I become productive when I suppress sad feelings. It's interesting how I can get so much done by procrastinating on something else. Like, avoiding my unpleasant feelings.
Dr. K, you're my second therapist. I make so many discoveries about my ADHD by watching your videos. That bit about all of the tasks being jumbled up when I get back from distractions (e.g. regular production work interrupting my projects) is absolutely torturing me. Thank you for explaining it!!
I've been married 9 years to my partner who has severe combinational ADHD on top of NPD trauma.
Communication, expectations, reflection, learning; They're all something that requires an active process in perpetuity. There is no set-and-forget and that can be incredibly taxing. But, it is not all grey skies and wet socks. We complement each other very well. The skill in crisis management is incredibly accurate. They've pulled us out of all sorts of problems I couldn't handle.
I've been searching and learning about ADHD by giving so much of my effort and time. If I had not spent that time and frustrating effort learning what I have, I wouldnt be able to cherish and value what this gentleman psychiatrist is sharing with plain simplicity.
Please don't underestimate the value of, or minimize the potential applications of what he is sharing. I am already implementing it into my life and sharing it with everyone.
This video teaches precious simple
Nailed it! This really spoke to me. Strange feeling learning that I'm not as alone, as I had felt, in trying to figure out how to deal with all this, and the cycles it creates; repeatedly. This at least breaks it down for me and gives me a starting point for a strategy.
I have ADHD, I'm 31 and still in college. I had depression, panic attacks and all the ADHD minions because eventough I could see the whole picture I didn't have the resources to deal with it. With medication studying is easy but my income is only predictable for a week and everytime the medication ends is a crisis. I can predict it that unpredictable things will happen but that doeesn't lighten the emotional load. What kinda worked for me is to set really low expectations that I can live with it. This made my self esteem sink but I will deal with that once I finish college. Even if this bite me in the ass... it never was a perfect plan, but at least I had a plan and didn't let the uncertainty about some stuff ad up to the load. I guess that is prioritization somehow...
You're taking things one step at a time to get through your situation and that is what matters 🙏 Best wishes to you 🌟
Im so glad dr k started assesing adhd a lot more because ive transfered to adulthood and its fucking me up so much socially. Work, Parents, Relationships..
I'm getting to my breaking point with my ADHD partner. It's helpful to get this kind of insight. Makes me want to keep trying.
I can relate to the having to be told ahead of time by my parents or I couldn't do it. It so so bad they had to tell me a week ahead of time, 2 days ahead, the day ahead, the morning of and like an hour ahead.
It's also cool how expectations worked for me growing up. If my parents told me what they expected out of my homework, I often got it done. It just took me forever to get in the right frame of mind. It required a lot of trust from them. However, if they kept coming to my room saying 'how's your homework doing?" It would completely reset the frame of mind I spent the last hour building and I'd have to start over meaning I either did worse on the homework or never got it done. I also required the expectation to be reset every month or so. Another interest thing to note is incentives never really worked. The only incentive that worked was if I managed to get some peace of mind.
Very cool to see all this worded out by you
You. Are. Me. It’s amazing that there are people out there like me. I spend so much time avoiding people and maintaining a semblance of interest.
And the minute you start riding my arse AFTER a conversation? Dude, you have now FUCKED whatever you wanted me to do.
Lol Yes, we're always in a crisis so we've learned to adapt. The other reason is that crises help us PRIORITIZE, solving the biggest problem ADHDers have; We struggle to filter and prioritize information.
Thank you so much for this advice, my gf and I are both ADHD but she is going to move across country to join me and while neither of us are troubled by the delays, I'm trying to be proactive as the older partner in the relationship about making things a smooth transition for her. We already have discussed ideal chores, like what our strengths and weaknesses are, but having a day of the month specifically to discuss chores is such a great idea. This'll be a big win for us!
I have adhd and have always been a pro to a new relationship, outgoing ,energetic, communication, etc! It always has turned into a problem when the honey moon period is over! Relationship requires alot of rules after a certain amount of time, we can't except the fact of why was everything beautiful in the beginning but now im a problem 😢
Ok this might sound a bit strange but I am an agile coach and recently thought about the fact that I am good at my job AND it kind of works perfectly with my ADHD. So when Dr. K spoke about clear expectations and “what is the next step” I thought of Scrum and more specifically about incremental work. You just focus on the next working product you need to finish and have 1. A clear timebox 2. A product goal that tells you what and why is important 3. You have user stories that defines criteria for work to be finished (which characteristics do you want to see? What are the thing that need to be done before it’s “ready”). The more I think about it the more it seems like Scrum/ agile methods are build for and by adhd people. Same goes for Kanban. You even set limits on how much work you can do at the same time so it gives you the opportunity to focus while still jumping between tasks. Plus communication is scheduled (dailies, reviews and retro’s).
Wow! Literally, I have never heard the longest explanation for “making a to do list.” But to be honest it was so helpful seeing what importance that truly plays in the mind of a person with adhd. Thank you!
I think their problem is more that these men are going after a young person for certain reasons/ expectations but they are met with someone with a personality and not as young and "malleable" as they thought OP was.
That's still a "communicating expectations" problem
I'm wondering how much their current partner actually talked to them about their expectations and how much work they expected the writer to do. As someone who moved across the country to be with someone, lost all my savings, and ended up losing the relationship I also wonder just how much the partner actually took some responsibility too, or acknowledged that sacrifice and actually made some sacrifices too.
at least OP's ADHD is manageable and a constant state of improvement. Her exes are major assholes and there's no cure for that.
They're not assholes.
They made decisions. That's normal.
25 years old with a 17 years old. Come on.
I was diagnosed when I was in elementary and had a lot of trouble ( and still do) in certain aspects of my life. I often see people talk about their ADHD symptoms in these horrible life altering ways online that I could never relate to, leading me to question the diagnosis from when I was younger, but this break down was on the spot for how my brain works
"people with ADHD are good with crisis management" Well that explains a lot.
Yeah but I dont have adhd or know anyone with it
@@davidcamero2063 I have it and this is really true.
@@davidcamero2063 i have it and it’s the most accurate thing, i definitely perform well under pressure
Hell yeah baby, I can only manage in crisis!
Because we are constantly surrounded by crisis.. so it's a double edged sword.
My last relationship (and first) ended after 8 months. The reasoning was pretty much directly related to my adhd problems, although I didn't admit it at the time. But all of this was sprung on me at the time. Or it appeared to me that way at least. Although I was not perfect by any stretch it does help being helped on this exact matter. Thanks Dr K!
I actually needed this rn, thank you!
13:53 “where are 3 and 4? Who the hell knows.”
I felt that deep in my soul
I can’t tell if he forgot to write 3 and 4 or didn’t do it on purpose
@@SuperT hahah yea who the hell knows
Oh my I need to write this all down but the expectations method makes so much sense to me and could work on anything really. Anticipating, planning and using a timer is what I use with my daughter with daily tasks and leaving the house. I've practiced different ways to set expectations for her but I've completely failed to do that with myself and the things I'd like to achieve. Thanks, this gave me a lot to ponder on.
Can you do a version of this for the autism spectrum? I'm on the autism spectrum and attract people with ADHD and vice-versa. I want them to understand me the same way I try to understand them. Thank you.
Also one for people who have BOTH autism and AHDH.
Lol this slaps
As the "neurotypical" (though I wonder sometimes if I am) in my marriage, this helped me empathize with my husband's stress. The stress seems to be wearing him out physically, which makes things harder. But I can see how if I had to do the same stupid task over and over again before I ever got anywhere that would be incredibly discouraging even boring, and I'd rather play video games or watch videos on RUclips.
Do you have any tips for establishing the habit of planned communication and writing out the things that are in your head?
I have several tips to helping someone plan out their day. But I would probably recommend starting with you and your husband measuring how long it takes for him to do something. Once you know how long on average a task is going to take then you measure how much energy it takes. Try to stick to only 2-3 goals for your husband a week while habit forming.
Things get a bit harder after that because it depends on what works for your husband. But things that I have found helpful include: journaling (make an index so you can find where you have put your ideas), trying different kinds of calendars (try watching videos on "The Hero's journal" for advice on journaling and scheduling), the "EpicWin" and "Forest App" to help with habit formation. Try turning chores into games.
Finally, identify rewards and stress relievers. A stress reliever will always be needed. Try to keep rewards small and appropriate to the habit because rewards should be given every week or within an appropriate time frame. Give feedback. A short feedback loop is invaluable for people who have ADHD. Maybe make a sticker chart?
I hope these tips help you. And I want to give you credit for all the work you are doing: it is not easy living with and marrying someone with ADHD and it's clear you're asking the right questions. I wish you and you husband the best.
May I ask about your symptoms that make you feel like you're not neurotypical? It's possible you have atypical symptoms and weren't diagnosed early enough and if you want I can try to help you understand and exploring that further. I am not a professional, but it's something I grew up with and actively study.
But this is completely your decision. Regardless , know I admire and respect you for being you
Oh man, living with my spouse really did bring out all the ways my ADHD affects my life and the ways I operate.
This isn't an ADHD problem. This is an abuse problem. Op can't see the abuse because they're too used to it, it's pretty obvious based on how they talk about themselves and their partners. If your partner makes you homeless and explodes on you because of your tone of voice, or because you're not slaving away doing all of the rediculous things they're trying to force on you (like renovating a house??? Hello???) and the fact that it sounds like the partner isn't even doing anything to help, they are abusive. OPs partner is forcing them to go out of their way and sacrifice themselves for the relationship, and putting the burden of everything on them, while still mistreating them by compromising their physical safety by kicking them out of the house? Absolutely ridiculous. It sounds like OP is the victim of a malignant narcissist. What has their partner done other than order them around like a slave? Have they put any effort in to the relationship at all? Doesn't sound like it. They need help, but it's not with the ADHD.
It's not abuse.
Did you watch the video? Dr K says it's all interconnected. It's definitely an ADHD problem. The situation stems from having ADHD and it's symptoms. In this case, it's prioritization and executive dysfunction. And low self-esteem. I do believe she is being emotionally and mentally abused as well but that's also because she hasn't set expectations with her partner. And if she has, she hasn't stuck to them. It's something else she has to work on. It's easier to focus on one thing rather than multiple because it's overwhelming.
@@FableCountry I watched the video, and I disagree with you. The problem isn't that OP has ADHD so they can't live up to their partner's expectations, the problem is that they're not being treated like an equal, they're being put down and threatened with homelessness unless they do what their partner thinks is right, and they don't have the support or confidence to walk away. You can't 'set expectations' with an abuser: the pattern of domestic abuse is all about creating an unpredictable and volatile environment where the abuser is in control and the person being abused can't live up to their expectations because the rules keep changing.
@@susannalarsson1525 That's her story. She could be a Narcissist and knows how to gaslight him. You will never know.
@@sebastian3004 ... and neither will you. Of course anyone who writes to get advice could be lying or gaslighting, but in the absence of any other information you have to take what you've been given as read.
Morning coffee and Dr. K videos is so therapeutic for me
THIS. This explanation is spot on. Then the exhaustion this situation causes just compounds everything and it's just perpetually problematic. Trying to get a neurotypical person to understand this situation is SO. DAMN. DIFFICULT.
17 and 25 holy shit
yeah I dont think the adhd is the main concern in this context tbh
I have recently been diagnosed with ADHD as an adult, and I am going to show this video to my parents/family because I know it will be useful for their understanding.
I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my 70s. It explained SO much about my life. I wish I had a buck for every time I was labeled as 'lazy'.
I'm lucky that despite having ADHD I also have an _excellent_ memory for details -- it was a skill I had to develop to defend my personality against argumentative attacks from fully-grown adults when I was a kid -- so when I wander away from something for a month, I _can_ pick up where I left off when I come back to it.
The most important thing I ever learned to do for myself is use physical lists, whether it’s tasks or shopping or priorities, or whatever.
19:10 - Questions to ask myself :
- What am I capable of ?
- What kind of support I need ?
- What is the timeline ?
Time : People with ADHD has to know what's coming to stay in track.
If they know what's coming they can prepare, if not they will struggle.
(doing something last minute is bad basically)
System : External structures of expectations anchored in time.
"I was 17 and they were 25" 😬
Is that even legal
@@bigmanbarrett6943 Depends on that individual country's laws. 17 and 25 is quite sus though.
@@bigmanbarrett6943 in most states yes, but that’s still… not great visually
Does 18 and 21 sound better? (I know it does but honestly it kind of still feels nasty to think about)
SAMMMEE LMAO 17-25 is an insane age gap
When you said "When you've got ADHD, you've got....." my mind automatically inserted "mail", which, in the context, sounds pretty similar to having "a bunch of thoughts"!
Yes, definitely an abusive relationship, but the rest of the insight provided in this video is extremely valuable.
The first problem was to move with him and give up things without being married with him
The person who posted on reddit mentioned they were 17, dating a 25 year old who had threatened to make the OP homeless three times. The OP also seemed to take on a lot of the responsibility for issues and claims of things like "mooching" when they're 17 and a minor and were already working. The video had an excellent breakdown on ADHD but didn't seem to account for the severe power imbalance in the relationship, and so as a result kind of came across a little bit like the blame for OP's problems were all on them.
I agree, though Dr. K used it as an example to make a different point. The video isn't zooming in on the age gap
Not just power imbalance actually illegal. OP is a minor. Even if in their country it's legally ok, it's morally wrong.
"People with ADHD are so good at dealing with crisises because they're in them all the time" no need to call me out like that
In a different headspace now in my 30s than when I was 17, but I'll still give this a listen for her even if it may or may not relate to my present self.
Hey, this video might actually help me gain some insight into my issues!
I'm going to add it to a playlist I have, where I put all such videos for when I have the time/focus to actually watch them...
Watch it now.
Maybe listen to it on wireless headphones when doing housework
I have hella ADHD and sometimes say things with a phrasing or tone that I don't mean. My spouse recognizes that it isn't what i meant, tells me if something i said sounded hurtful and gives me the space to apologize and try again. It can really help me avoid that pitfall of not noticing what i said or how i said it.
Gaddamn, i like, needed to see this, TODAY!
Wow, that part about setting in advance when to talk about relationship problems is something id never thought of, but will definitely hold on to
I've recently started writing lists when I have multiple tasks. It really helps me go through and prioritize based on what's easiest, fastest, and/or most important.
24 yo male here. The reason why I’ve never dated is because I have adhd. I can barely function on my own and am far behind in life. I don’t want to be in a relationship where my partner struggles to live with my disorder and doesn’t understand me. I just never related to people to begin with. I’d be ok with being alone my whole life but I’m still human and sadly I need to talk to others.
Bro I have the same mindset, but I've been questioning it a lot lately, I really don't know if we're doing ourselves or others a favor here? We don't get to learn important relationship skills that can be applicable to social situations in general (negotiating, crisis management, clearing conflicts), we never get to show others what skills we have and what we can bring to the table and people are less likely to remember us when our time has passed, and so on
my boyfriend has severe adhd but i do not. while theres a lot of ppl out there who have a hard time handling snd understanding a partner with the disorder, it is absolutely not impossible to find a loving partner or supportive friends who take the time to learn and understand how you operate and help support u while u grow and learn how to manage it. it definitely gets better with age. and completely ruling out human relationships because you're worried they won't understand u is extremely isolating and depressing. im not saying its easy, but people who care and want to be with you despite the struggles.. they exist. they are out there. u will find them. u wont br alone forever and your adhd is not a burden! rooting for you!!!
@@Chr0meHeart It's definitely tough for sure, so far I haven't had too great experiences with people at all in my life, there were only very few decent people (I've been long asking myself if I attract these sort of fake and toxic people) but I'm not willing to give up yet (or more like I did isolate myself for a few years and am ready to try again, RSD makes it all a bit mlre difficult)
if ya need to talk ive got like 30mins to kill if ya wanna chat to a random 22yr old dude
Hey, not here to question your life choices but just something to think about because I've run into this a couple of times with people. I kinda relate to what you're saying but I'd also be a little bit careful with the mindset. If you feel like you yourself could enjoy a relationship and would be happier if you had that level of affection and commitment etc. consider that it's not your job to decide for another person what they can and should put up with. It's only your job to advocate for yourself and if somebody wants to be with you regardless of your struggles, you don't need to protect them from yourself. They can make that decision for themself. They might be totally willing to accept the fact that your so "behind in life" (whatever that means, because it appears that everybody is, meaning nobody is, because life is not a race to begin with). I will bet my arse on there being a few people out there of whichever gender you prefer who would probably see a lot of other things in you than just your ADHD and might find it acceptable if not oddly attractive (you wouldn't believe what kind of weird stuff can actually make you interesting and attractive to the right person...). And it's arguably hard for anyone to understand you if you don't let them close enough to have an opportunity to try. But hey, I'm just a random person on the internet, so what do I know about your life. Anyway, whatever you, good luck and I hope things work out for you ok!
For me, I've changed my task lists to multi-day lists instead of making a new one everyday. I can tack on as many tasks as I want but I found that in not forcing myself to complete every task in one day which is almost never doable, this method is much more stress free. I will take however long I need to complete the list and only once it's complete do I make a new list for the following day. Also, this basically gives me an unlimited amount of time to complete tasks which could seem unproductive but to me it's better than piling them up and never getting anything done because doing them all in one day seems like way too much work and I give up on all of them entirely. In my opinion, it's better to get everything done no matter how long it takes me versus trying to keep up with a pace that isn't realistic and giving up on 80% of the tasks.
If I'm 25 and dating a 17 year old where do I find my independence?
Jail.... probably in jail my guy
haha right?!
Less than a minute in and I'm not going to watch this one. Clearly ADHD isn't the issue here, it's the power dynamics of that "relationship"
While I do agree 100% I do think us people, especially young people, with ADHD and ASD can be extremely vulnerable to those kinds of relationships. I know I am (hopefully was). That would be worth a video all on its own.
But agree, this feels like a very off jumping off point.
It would be a lot more helpful to hear about how ADHD can affect a normal, mostly healthy relationship.
While I do agree that this relationship in the video is unhealthy, this video is extremely helpful and actionable for people in relationships affected by ADHD. The ADHD population has a significantly higher divorce rate.
living with ADHD is when each item on your list is a moving target. This is REALLY good stuff thank you.
8:39 This hits hard, I'm struggling with this right now and want to do SO much to improve my life, but when I want to start I have no clue where to begin.
Posting before watching. I could probably write a master's thesis on this topic based on personal experience alone.
Thats amazing, he was explaining how the mind tries to organize and starts drifting away and I legit started drifting away on facebook and discord and stopped listening for a good 2 minutes LOL
I absolutely love your delivery I saw you for the first time as a guest speaker on Dairy of a CEO . Thank you 🙏🏾 ❤
ohh boy here we go i'll grab the tissues
Mood
😢
As an autistic person, I appreciate the pauses so that I myself can process what's being said. Thank you for sharing this wonderful, vulnerable video.
Thank u so much. I never have understood the concept of setting expectations, this really helped me get closer to that goal of actualized this in my life.
32:00 i wish people would stop with the “friendzone“ rhetoric. It's usually connected to incel logic [tho ofc not everyone who uses it is an incel!]. Either you ARE actually friends, then you *do* have something valuable that you *yourself* would not want to throw away in order to pursue a romantic relationship. Or, as is way more often the case with self-proclaimed friendzone guys: you are not actually that close. “not being romantically into you“ does not *make* you friends if you weren't already friends. That being said, of course it's a sucky situation if you & the other person have different expectations of the dynamic, which is where i agree with your statements again!
So perfect!! Hope you’re having a great vacay!
Dr K didn't address the issue of why the poster is putting free work into a house that they don't own part of. I would discourage anyone from renovating a house in return for a long term space to live with a partner without a guarantee that they have a legal right to the house as well, but why does op think they still have to continue working on a place they can't live in and have no stake in, while currently homeless?? A lot of what Dr K said is valid about ADHD and relationships IN GENERAL, but didn't really address what's going on with this particular person in terms of emotional and financial abuse
25 and 17, is the biggest issue here... Kind of weird how that was brushed over...
I thought so at first too! but then seems like that was the first relationship and it was recognized as toxic and they got out of it so maybe Dr.K didn't feel that it was relevant to the OP's current question? And I don't think the current relationship ages were mentioned so maybe there just wasn't enough there to comment about
It feels like you are talking about my life. I have all symptoms but I haven't take any test. All these years I thought I am weird and thinking no one will understand my thoughts. No body understand me and always think that I will end up alone. So hard to find people who understand me. I am with my current husband and I feel sad everytime I see him struggling to handle me. I never do anything in purpose to hurt him with my words and my actions. I see him disparate day by day. I always end up left my partners because I didn't want to make their life hard. But with current husband, I will do everything to make myself better.
Notes to self:
14:45 This guy has moments of making brilliant points like this I just wish this was more information dense. I realise its kinda part of the live stream format but I saw elsewhere his approach to fixing this was kinda like "well tuff this stuff takes time to explain" like yeah but it doesn't need to take *this* much time.
I think my only solution for myself just has to be making these notes to myself and ticking each of his relevant videos off the list of those I've been over. Those notes can't stay here forever, they need to also be on my pc in a word document.
BTW, I havent made the notes on this video, just watched it, very good overall, the 1,2,5,6,9... etc. and then 1,2,4,5,9 was very well demonstrated and explained and important information was noted nicely among many other things in the whole video. Go through from 00:00 again and make more timestamps.
27:40 Oh my god sooo important, much like with parents, you can't do reactive parent, you have to be proactive or at the very least regularly anticipate that stuff will happen - both people need to be onboard and understand this in a relationship.
I just had to stop the video because of how much this perfectly captures my life.
8:58 "Put your hood on". Ok plz don't call me out like that lmao.
I'm concerned about the age gap comments. It CAN be an issue, but it also can not be. I know many grandparents (now) who have 10 or more years between them, and often the girl was 18 when they got together. They've been married for decades. It's not an immediate red flag. Of course tou need to be careful and observant, but it seems way too harsh to just use it as an arbitrary "that's the problem" reaction.
if you don't have anything nice to say, about yourself or others, then try to figure out why you're feeling that way and if it's necessary or not.
Kindness is everything we need and deserve.
This is exactly the problem with the way my brain works, but no one wants to diagnose me with ADHD whenever I ask for it 🙃
Im so devastated because my 12 year relationship ended because of these exact kinds of problems.. I worked for many years on self improvement but never really made any significant progress, and basically just before we broke up i realized i very likely have ADD. No therapist or doctor ever even mentioned it as a possibility before and not at any point during my school years was it ever brought up by teachers etc. I had to find out all on my own and i was 29 years old when i did, and my life up until now is basically ruined.
Manipulated 17 year old to move, probably got “physical benefits”, they do bunch of cheap labor on a house that this older individual probably owns and will reap the monetary reward before kicking them out with some weird reason. So many things to clear up first
21'00"... Oh my God ! you described my life in ONE sentence.... I'm speechless. Thank you.
The first sentence is insane!!!
17 and 25. on me lmaooo