How to Stop Fearing Rejection
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- Опубликовано: 19 май 2024
- Rejection sensitivity is a psychological phenomenon characterized by an individual's heightened sensitivity to the possibility of rejection in social interactions. It encompasses several key components: anticipation of rejection, which leads to expecting rejection even where it may not be present; heightened emotional responses, including anxiety, sadness, or anger; overinterpretation of social cues, resulting in misinterpretations of others' behaviors; impacts on relationships, such as engaging in avoidance behaviors or people-pleasing; implications for self-esteem, often leading to feelings of inadequacy or worthlessness; defensive behaviors aimed at protecting oneself from rejection; influence on decision-making, as individuals may avoid potentially beneficial situations out of fear of rejection; and patterns in relationships, such as difficulty trusting others or a fear of intimacy. Understanding these components is crucial for developing coping strategies and improving overall well-being. Therapy and self-awareness exercises are commonly utilized to address and mitigate the effects of rejection sensitivity.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles and books in these areas and is the author of:
The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
RUclips: / @drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Dr. Fox’s Blog: www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
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00:00 Introduction
00:30 Rejection and personality
02:14 Anticipation of rejection
03:04 Heightened emotional response
04:15 Overinterpretation of cues
06:04 Impact on relationships
07:17 Self esteem
08:43 Defensive behaviors
10:28 Impact on decision-making
12:44 Relationship patterns
13:06 Fear of intimacy
Easiest thing I've found is quit expecting anything and never get mad...just roll on with life. Getting rejected is just part of life and it might actually lead you somewhere else you never expect and you should be happy if others find love even if it isn't with you
I couldn't care less if most people like me or not but if I do care if a certain person or persons like me, that fear of rejection is absolutely debilitating. Especially with women.
I gave up on dating for this very reason. Impossible.
@@GordonBrevity alcohol was really the only way I could do it but that got out of hand. So now I'm in the same boat
i can't handle the love bombing and heavy flirting and then it is turned off 100%. then after a week or two it starts up again.
a narcissistic tactic is to cast a line. watch me bite out of shear lonliness, and then throw me back. this cycle hurts someone horribly with bpd.
@@thunderpooch yes!! and these are the types of people I have become most frantically attached to..All buttering me up in the beginning and then when I get admittedly overly attached, they pull back and I ramp up and then they’re gone 😔
@kimrose80 what helped me is realizing they're bad people for me, and not reacting to their charm when they decide to turn it on. it sure made them pissed off but it's for the best. i deserve better, much better.
consistent people are what i deserve, not people with narcissitic tactics to feed their supply.
Love this topic. As someone in their 30’s and has experienced so much rejection in all aspects of my life I promise anyone struggling with this that it will not end you. In fact it’s forcing and trying to make what isn’t meant to be that will be most painful. In hindsight every time I just took the L and moved on I found way better circumstances that were in alignment with me and complimented me. Like I got rejected for a low wage basic retail job and ended up getting a way better job now that pays way more. A guy I really like rejected me but it turns out he was toxic. Rejection is God’s redirection, never take it personal because that rejection could be saving you from something way worse. Be thankful, keep your head held high and move forward. You will be okay and attract way better. Every time something or someone rejects you they're only allowing you to find better, so much wisdom
Hopeful and wise indeed 🪻
Dr. Fox thank you for posting these videos. your compassion and empathy has greatly impacted my life and my ability to see how BPD with NPD traits has affected my behaviors. It has taken six years of therapy for me to understand what’s really going on with me and I finally feel like I am gaining the tools I need to gain healing in my life. I have a very long road ahead of me but videos like this make me feel so heard and understood, and also help me to see myself in a compassionate light. I am learning that I am not my BPD. It may have controlled a lot of my life, but it doesn’t have to stay that way. I feel a little overwhelmed because I know that there’s a lot that I need to heal from but these videos for me are like college courses, teaching me how I can see what needs to be worked on and how to work on them, so thank you so much 😊
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Dr. Fox is finally back.
More education about Bpd.
Dr. Fox you’re a genius. In every video you talk about BPD, I feel someone is telling my life story even better than myself. I feel relieved and happy to find you ❤
I went from pleasing others and trying to keep my little people circle to complete isolation and avoiding any social interaction because the fear of abandonment and rejection, I don't really know if I can really live all my life alone without anyone but I absolutely can't endure the pain of being abandoned again any more.
It sounds like you've been through a lot. Remember, it's okay to put yourself first and prioritize your own well-being.
Dr. Fox is the best I have seen on topics of extreme emotions. He gives people hope and is willing to say that people can improve and live good lives.
Thank you for recognizing my positive impact on people's lives.
@@DrDanielFoxYou’ve changed mine, a man with bpd.
Changed my life, too. Thank you Dr. Fox from my heart
if someone doesnt answer you, just remind yourself: "we all live busy and complex lives" and focus on personal growth and adding the right kind of complexity to your own life. therefore increasing self worth and becoming less sensitive in the process
As wise as your words are,
I can not not think about how it is also a trait of our narcissistic society to ghost pple on phones or social medias.
How not answering to someone is not always about being busy..but has a lot to do with power, domination and pure lack of respect/politeness. It shows the disintegrationof our social fabric in its core.
Not taking it personally is a wise strategy, but when will we confront this toxic behavior of ghosting people?
This is a big oner for me. I cannot deal with the word, "no." Thank you for this, Dr. Fox.
Absolutely Brilliant video ❤ Thankyou so much
And the defensive aspect is absolutely something I've also struggled with.... and if I go to the point of no return in a anger outburst have definitely at times said things like your not special no wonder you struggle ect mean hurtful things though it's because I already feel I lost the friendship or love of the other person.... then later when I calm down relaize I am the problem and no wonder no one likes me I don't even like myself anymore ect.... rejection sensitivity blows .... it's runs my life I swear..... after watching this it's why I isolate now that my mobility has gotten worse.... all inthink about is how others will see me as defective or not trying hard enough ect and in turn absolutely belive it just proves how everyone will leave me once they see how defective I am ...
I don’t usually comment on RUclips because I get stressed out about other peoples responses. But reading your comment I feel compelled with empathy for you and I just wanna give you some encouragement. I also understand how it feels to constantly feel defective. To feel like everybody around you doesn’t understand the inner tornado inside of you. You want connection but at the same time you’re terrified of it. It’s like a drug this constant need for others to let you know that you’re not bad. And when you try to get away from other people and isolate yes it relieves the symptoms quite a bit, but it leaves you lonely. I have done this for the last six years, I’m starting to learn that this belief that we are defective is actually a schema, it’s called the defectiveness schema. It’s the belief that there is something inherently wrong with you. This belief has come from your childhood or young adulthood somewhere along the line. We got it into our mind that there is something very wrong with us and that’s why nobody likes us or wants to be around us. There’s this inherit need to test boundaries with other people to see if they truly love us and to know that they saw the worst in us and they would still love us regardless. Unfortunately because we do this we end up doing behaviors that push people away. The good thing about schemas is we can heal from them. There is a lot of resources online to learn about schemas to learn about what ones you have and how to heal from them. I sincerely hope that you know that there are better days ahead for you. And this is coming from someone who gets it. Like literally gets it. It’s not gonna be an easy path but just know that it is possible and that it is possible for YOU!
There is a schema test that you can take on Attachment Project .com to see what schemes you struggle with. And you can also figure out what attachment style you have which can help explain why you behave the way you do in certain situations. My attachment style is fearful avoidant (also known as disorganized attachment) which means that I vacillate between avoiding and being overly clingy and fearful. The great thing about attachment styles is they can also heal so that we can have secure attachment. I wish you all the best and I hope that things get better and I believe they will for you. ☺️👍 good things are ahead for you!!! Remember you are NOT defective. This is a false belief that was created based on certain situations and evidence in those situations to make you feel that way. This is not your fault, but there are things that you can do to heal.
Schemas test:
www.attachmentproject.com/early-maladaptive-schemas/
Attachment questions / test:
www.attachmentproject.com
Defectiveness Schema Information:
www.attachmentproject.com/early-maladaptive-schemas/defectiveness-shame/
It is so difficult when the hooks of rejection get under the skin. It can rip your heart out. Even when you breath deeply and examine the evidence and fight the spiral down, you still get flesh wounds that need help to heal and not deteriorate the other way.
I just got made redundant from my job 😢 - not my fault, the organisation lost money, others lost their jobs too. Still it's easy to ruminate. I coped fairly well through the process, true to form, I focused hard on supporting others but now its over I am finding myself struggling more myself. I am trying hard but it's a struggle at times as my self esteme issues are a big problem for me. I fear coming to that completely empty, "whats the point of me feeling".
Drawing stenghth from those who love me family and friends - try beleive in how they see me, check the evidence.
I don't want to be beaten this time - I have worked so hard on understanding my core content. I hope I find a way. 🤞🤞🤞
I hope you find your way too 🤞🏽 stay strong and please be kind to yourself. It'll pass like everything in life 🪻
Ty Dr fox im sorry for the multiple rants thank you fornthe insight it gives me alot to think about 😢
Great video Dr. Daniel Fox on Rejection Sensitivity regarding BPD due to our maladaptive beliefs and for some of us empty social network for fearing rejection but then falling into the core of total isolation and loneliness. Thank you for making this video! 16:14 ❤
You’re welcome
This is a big one for me. I feel there are parts of it I've done okay with and parts I still struggle with. With the impulse to react, I've gotten better over time with therapy by learning more of my pattern and being able to stop and redirect myself instead of going all the way down the thought spiral that would normally lead me to react. The more I practice that, the more I see that my assumptions about the situation are usually wrong, so I feel more empowered to keep working on that.
The thing I still struggle with, I think, is the deeper core beliefs. I still struggle with the core idea that everyone in my life will eventually leave, and to a lesser extent, with the belief that no one can be fully trusted. I think a lot of that is unprocessed trauma probably, and something I hope I can unpack after DBT, but honestly I've talked about it so many times and have intellectualized it enough that I worry my brain is just permanently fried or something.
It's great that you're taking steps to work on yourself and your reactions. Keep going, progress takes time!
Great video as always though I hope you could tone down a bit with the editing. Throughout the video I was trying to follow what you're saying and then WHOOSH!! POP!! ZOOM!! I even flinched a couple of times with my train of thought just flying straight off the track😂
Thank you.
This video has a lot of interesting insights. I struggle with rejection and isolation. Both dating and friends - I overanalyze words/behavior and it's extremely easy for me to believe automatically that they are rejecting me. (low self esteem) so as soon as I sense that, I shut down and ghost/stop reaching out to them. A test to see if they will still reach out to me. Lately no one has been reaching out and I socially isolate like he's talking about in this video. And the thoughts keep coming "see - nobody likes you - you're not worthy of love and respect - there's too many other much better people out there for people to connect with than you" people not reaching out to me confirms my low worth in my mind. Just wanted to bring up that if you have insecure attachment like me (I'm fearful avoidant - there are 2 other types of insecure attachment) it can look a lot like what he's talking about on the BPD spectrum here. Trying to protect yourself from getting hurt, not letting anyone get close
Thank you 😊
Excellent video as always Dr. Fox.
Say, have you heard of Dr. Sam Vaknin, who is also a psychologist specializing in cluster B personality disorders?
I like his "covert borderline" playlist, which I identify far more strongly with than regular bpd.
I say you should entertain his thoughts!
Sorry, it's Professor Sam Vaknin.
Great topic Dr. Fox! I've also heard that ADHD people also tend to suffer from rejection sensitivity. Would this be applicable also in that situation?
Yes
Rejection?
I fear acceptance.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Meh.
Hi I’ve been binge watching your videos! Would you be able to make a video explaining the effects cheating has on people with bpd. Like someone cheated on a person with bpd and the way they deal with the effects after. I feel that love/hate cycle is strong after infidelity.
Thank you for your suggestion! I appreciate your support and interest in my content.
For anyone that strugfls with this .... and has impulsive or obsessive drug use issues .... indident reliaze how much rejection sensitivity i actlly had till i got off of the heavy drugs (not pot) I was once able to be super social but now I'm so isolated do to this issue and I'm sure the drugs where masking this struggle..... so be mindful of that when you work on getting clean and less impulsive 😢
The key is not fantasizing. You waste so much energy making an ideal situation in your head and you can clearly feel the cognitive weight in your mind if reality might not line up.
There are several mental processes that activate during the yearning of a potential connection, which is of course rooted in self worth.
4:18
Right on cue
What is a normal degree of rejection sensitivity in healthy people? 🤔
..... now I'm crying ..... I do the undermind medical thing internally .... and literally have been fighting the desire to just stop all my medical treatments cuz i worrie my nero and other docs alrwsyd see me as a non reliable patient and so i worriy they are not doing there best for me..... and it makes me just want to stop it all.....😢 I'm literally crying cuz I'm not a narssasit cuz I really don't say it to them i Try really hard to be a team player and deep down want it to be a two way thing but it just starts to feel when it's nutrual opponent (no major chages or nothing the see thats of major concern though im having progression of symptoms) that im being left behind or untrusted ..... and this fear that they are abandoning me or rejecting me cuz I'm not worthy of it makes me just want give up trying to get better...... 😪 I knew i had rejection sensitivity but I dident relize how much it runs my life.....😢
Wait, I avoid social situations altogether, but not because every once in a while, probably like 3 times a year, I decide to talk to someone new, but usually instead of people pleasing, I get afraid of being too close to them so I reject them before they have a chance to reject me. I might people please sometimes, but after so many times of people completely taking advantage of me so many times in the past, I am done with people pleasing.. Especially if I felt rejected when I went out of my way to do something. People take, take, take and don't really give back... Not to the kind of personality that I have..
I dunno people are really complicated and complex, so I just prefer to be a loner.
My ex once said that he thinks that I have an inferiority complex, and I can agree with that analysis.
Also, I was diagnosed with BPD in 2014. Sooo I think I also have avoidant personality disorder now or something.
I know you got to hate me with all this need clarification lol number 3 has me confused ... can bpd men want to withdraw in that moment as a way to avoid the feeling of this rather then how you made it sound like npd removes them selves.... as I'll admit if we don't talk me and my partner I feel awkward and like you say for bpd feel like there bored with me or don't like me anymore my partner is asd1 and loves when we can sit togehter and not talk and it's been quite hard to cope with do to this aspect of panic I feel .... but since I'm also sick like I have medical issues the panic is to much internally so I tend to go to another room to watch what I want to watch as a attempt to minimize the panic .... and feel stable and comforted..... it's not like you said the npd thinks but more like the bpd thinks but I have high avodence issues as I've aged .... expecully with my medical issues as getting emotionally driven normally lands me feeling worse.... so it's it possible for men with bpd to isolate or pull away rather then constely fight for reassurance.... I used to be that way but I've just found going tk a separate space removes the urgency of needing the reassurance he finds me fun to be around.... cuz as your example for bpd was ... that's so my issue my partner allways says why can't you just sit there and not talk ..... cus the silence makes me feel you are losing interest in the relationship.... and then I have to overly be mindful of not talking and that makes it even worse so to prevent myself from a meltdown I just go to a differnt room So I'm not tempted to talk to be panicked.... if that makes since....b
How do some of those people pleasing behavior patterns to avoid rejection at all costs differ from dependant personality disorder? How do the avoidant behavior patterns differ from avoidant personality disorder? Or do they both overlap a lot with BPD?
so how do I cope with my rejection sensitivity
Is it working if I just accept that everyone is going to abandon me, that I’ll live most of my life alone and die alone, and I decide to just force myself to not bond with anyone anymore?
How do you handle low self esteem?
I dont know if it’s okay to request a video about how to heal from an FP ghosting or blocking you when you have BPD because they got fed up with your unhealthy attachment behaviours..The pain when that happens is ultimate despair because I know I didn’t get blocked for no reason but at the same time it seemed mean and caused so much pain..and then if I see any memes or videos about ‘staying away from toxic people’ it makes me feel even worse like I’m a bad person who deserved to be ghosted 😢
I appreciate you sharing your feelings. It's important to remember that your worth is not defined by the actions of others.
@@DrDanielFox Thankyou ☀️
❤
I'm now having problems controlling my BPS symptoms. I have a problem now is that my husband of 17 years we had been together for 24 years he decided he wanted a divorce I got put into a little flat and I got to pay for it with just my disability payments so I kind of have to worry about can I do it and then I'll figure that out next month and then after that I ended up falling in love with an old friend and we're talking old friend because we know we met each other in elementary school he is seeing some of my maladaptive behaviors and it's frustrating him which makes me sad I need to control my maladaptive behaviors I can be happy in fall in love with my old friend anybody has any suggestions let me know
False validation of negative self esteem....im so tired of myself but i want my life so bad
It's tough dealing with negative self-esteem, but remember that you are capable of creating the life you want. Keep pushing forward!