i've worked on breaking my own cycles of self destruction. it's much like that poem you read once about walking down the street. i find myself start to get irritated and angry during conversations, but now i've started to pause as i speak if my emotions start to get out of control. i'll say something like "i'm sorry, i'm getting too loud. let me try again" or "give me one second. i'm starting to feel myself getting upset." it's saved my relationships. i used to lean into my maladaptive beliefs of thinking no one truly loved or understood me, so i pushed everyone away. now, my loved ones are proud of me for changing both my behavior and thinking patterns. i feel heard and cherished. my change in perspective is all thanks to these videos, Dr. Fox. i walk down the same street and fall down the same hole, but this time i know i'm not stuck here.
Great video! I know a lot of people here are thinking, 'Oh, I'll give myself compassion when I feel like I've earned it.' Or, 'Oh, I'll persevere when it seems like I have some utopia of no struggling to look forward to.' Or, 'Oh, I'll leave my house and stop isolating/pushing people away when I feel confident enough.' But then we're letting our feelings take the drivers seat and control our lives. Our feelings want to keep us safe, and they should be acknowledged and validated, but ultimately we have the final say. This was a big change in mindset for me, to not always go with my feelings. You can feel social anxiety and go out anyway, and feel insecure and undeserving and still give yourself care and respect, and you can feel a little hopeless sometimes and still keep going anyway, just in case there's some hope you haven't thought of yet. A lot of us have persevered so much already, just the fact that we are still here today. So give yourself some credit at least that none of us have given up yet.
Just this week, I realized that I was sabotaging myself. The feelings were so strong that I felt sick to my stomach. I did my best to ride the wave of those feelings and try to relax by reading christian motivation books. I realize that self-discipline is a form of self-love and by doing things to myself such as smoking.Weed all day and going against.My moral code is doing nothing but hurt in myself.And why hurt myself when i've been hurt enough by others.. Thank you so much for this video.Sometimes life works funny.I feel like everything I've read this week fits my situation so strongly.
An odd thing: right before the self destruction comes this thought. "What i am about to do is important and necessary. I MUST do it because this is what is best for me." In my head, it's the thundering voice of Truth. Weeks or months later, I look back. Crap. I screwed myself over. Again. Thanks, Dr. Fox, for giving hope and instructions on how to change. ❤
The concept of the family in the head is interesting. I never realized how much that impacts my life. I also love the thought that a comfort zone is what you're used to and not necessarily good. To combat the family in the head, I try to pause and actually converse with those thoughts out loud and try to use logic. It can be tricky but like you said, practicing helps.
If you have BPD I have a theory for you, I have BPD but there's a symptom of ADHD that resonates with me and others with BPD a lot, people talk about executive dysfunction a lot. I feel like I do that, like procrastinating but extra steps. I figured out that's my dissociation. You may be doing the same thing, dissociating when you're overwhelmed, stressed, scared etc. And telling yourself "I need to stop procrastinating" when maybe you're actually not
This is very insightful and helpful. I never really thought of This. I suffer so much from procrastination too. Before I know it, hours have passed and I haven’t done much. Wow thanks!
@Amused_Comfort_Inc "sadly" that part does not fit my description. I do not have BPD. And i do actually procrastinate ALOT. To the extreme. Only the middle part of your example sort of fit my problem. It is hell. That is only way i can summarize it. If hell has 7 levels, then my procrastination is the "softest" level. I can see life crumble before me. I know things has to be done. I sort of have the KNOWLEDGE. And i am supersmart. But for "some reason" i can not get my self to INITIATE(Execution Function) to just do those important stuff. I do know my pittuary gland has problems. (Several hormones is often slightly off to easily triggered in wrong directions. Prolactine, Testosterone. I know i have a small cyst in my pottuary gland. (Maybe initially from an accident from childhood to that area). And i know my Dopamine is off. Music, food, "sex release", etc is all that has helped me in the past. BUT: Food (carbs actually) triggers bloodsugar and dopamine... but i have had Insulin Resistance now for over 10 years. And since then iwhen i eat high carb my body just gets quickly tured and all my energy zaps out. And i often fall asleep. So can not use high carb to trigger my dopamine (to overcome the procrastination). And the "hubt for sexual release" has nothing to do with testosterone levels. It is the hunt for the RELEASE because i am trying to grt the Dopamine burst. BUT that is useless, because after that Dopamine release... it fades away so quickly. And body also gets to tired/"sleepy"/etc... so not a dopamine effect that csn harvest to combat the extreme procrastination. Music? Yes... but that is at same time a "disturbance" so the effect is not that usefull on tasks that actually must concentrate on. (Allthough helps to kickstart a EF problem.. it does not necesary helps with staying focused). I know medicines like Concerta, etc would help. But i currently do not have access to it. So i need to go to the doctor. (But its a tough long process, which require a lot of planning and documentations from me. Guess what? My procrastination "loves" that; sarcastic:( But my Procrastination is blocking me a lot from starting the process of getting help to fix the procrastination. An ugly catch22. So no, i do not have BPD. And yes i definitly have Procrastinationproblemd. Very extreme also. Its like looking back at a carnage of scorced ..... and i have involuntarly been a captive without any option to do anything about it.
I have been able to manage my splitting and symptoms enough to get a job as a government relations specialist. Appearing normal can be difficult for sure. When I feel stressed, I shut down and don't do my job, then as the pressure builds I think about quitting. THAT must be what you're talking about. Catching it first step would be keeping myself focused enough on the goal to make sure I"m keeping up with the work, instead of sabotaging by being unprepared?
very much appreciate the effort that goes into the filming and editing of these videos on top of all the information. it’s really lovely to see the care in the improving quality. shoutout to your team and thank you for another incredibly helpful video, doc! 🙏🏽❤️
Yes- Doc Fox puts an energy and passionate inferno into these videos about BPD- far and away the BEST expert in the world about the topic. There are others out there who touch on the condition- and mostly to paint us as Satan- and others who give us a mix of Ben Stein style monotone monologue, mixed with dog whistle, passive aggressive demonizing- Then, there’s Doc Fox- and absolute expert, a phenomenal supporter and cheerleader for us, and his passion for helping us is so blatant and over the top, it’s so obvious even the MOST suspicious and distrusting among us cannot deny him
So I haven't fully beaten it ... I still struggle with the belief of I'm expendable .... but alot of the other ones that pop up I've been able to fix with time ... and working hard at growing passed the things that validate the negative beliefs about myself .... I'm a monster got better once I started gaining control over my anger outburst by starting to map out the right time tk separate before I get to the point of no return..... I'm nothing but a sex toy to peoel got better once I stopped giving into the impulsive need for validation through sex ... and really I mean not keeping boundaries to who I would and woudlent sleep with ... I've worked hard at alot of push back .... but can't brake the I'm expendable issue meaning not like they can't get what I am and more from other peole so I start to feelnlike I don't matter.... that I'm expendable....so haven't found a way I feel is healthy to push back agenst that
You are allowed to be loved, just because you are alive. Each individual, plant, animal, human being is some weird stuff that grew on the planet (maybe on other planets, as-well). Our experiences being limited here, it's just a reward in itself to feel life, to feel other human beings, including you :) Even the many many tiny cells that collaborate to form your body are nice, let alone you, the whole that is a lot greater than the sum of its parts. I don't think it's about "value" in itself... it's about this weirdness of being alive. Your comment, your thoughts made my day a little better, and my life, thorough them. Thank you. These thoughts are part of me now, as well.
Up until last week, I had a roommate who blurted out at me *randomly* one day, "I know you think I'm an idiot!" I was STUNNED because I have never once come anything close to thinking she was an idiot. The next day, I casually brought up what she said, and she told me that "everyone in my family has told me I'm an idiot" (notice the all-or-nothing thinking patterns, as if to say every single person in her family has opened their mouth and stated that to her at one time or another). So, I went out to buy this deeply-damaged person some Smarties candy to leave near her bed. When she asked me who put them there, I replied, "Someone who thinks you are smart did, and now whenever you have thoughts about your family calling you an idiot, you can pop one of those Smartie candies in your mouth and remember that at least one person thinks you're smart." ...totally blew up in my face... She totally made up some completely unrelated narrative. I might as well have spewed a bunch of word salad to her because the narrative she created was completely unrelated to what I said and involved unrelated individuals. Needless to say, I moved. smh
I just loved this video and I’m going to send it to a friend who is socially self-destructive. There’s a lot of tips in this video that anyone can use. Thank you for being so clear and for presenting this info so simply.
I’ve struggled with self sabotage for a long time but never knew it was called that. Just this past week, I sabotaged myself and hurt my roommate/friend in the process. We talked it out and we are fine but my fear is that I will do it again but this video gave me a lot of good advice and information to counteract those self sabotaging tendencies. Thank you, Dr. Fox!
The idea of family in the head seems to be able to help me a lot. I can survive pretty well, but growth is slow and difficult. I have to take more risks in order to grow, but my mother's voice screams for safety. I observe that I have doubts for a very long time and finally decide to prioritize safety. My doubts seem also to cost a way too much time and make my decision-making less effective. How can I embrace growth?
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm really struggling with my value as when I think I deserve to be valued the real world gives me experiences that confirm I am not valued. That leads to anger and bitter depression because if I believe the positive belief, then why is my experience this way, and if I believe the negative belief I just don't try.
@@DrDanielFox What a gift to have AMAZING passion for helping those of us who struggle with this yet keep plugging along. We may stumble from time to time and it can be a BIG struggle after all the stuffing things down comes to the surface, but these things with the various problem areas can go right to the videos, book topics and the card deck that is necessary to regroup and refocus at any time. Little tears of gratitude. It's definitely not easy and can get tiring sometimes but as you say, "Easier said than done but not impossible." I use that quote A LOT!!
Thanks for the video, you just helped me right now break one of this cicles for today and care for me/my needs instead. Thank you a lot. Its not easy sometimes
I find that what's comforting for me is just merging with a romantic partner, that we would do what she likes and I'll comfort her when she needs comforting, that she'll be kind to me, tell me what to do, teach me things, decorate my apartment the way she wants to. On the other hand she'll love me and appreciate me and will take me with her. I see love as being separate to performance, to possessing the attributes of a superior specimen, to be successful, to be good looking. These are about "winning", while love is about "losing", losing to the other person, just a tiny bits of you, bits that you pass onto your loved ones. The advancement of the human race is not comparable to the life of an individual.
You're so welcome and thank you for your kind support of the channel. It means a lot when people help support the cause of putting out honest and research based information. Thank you and be well.
100%!!! The closer something comes up, the higher my anxiety gets -- POTENT and INTENSE. It's been like this for YEARS before I was diagnosed with neither BPD nor PTSD. Yeup, you're NAILING it, and not a clue I ever had it until after narcissist abuse when it came to light. What on earth do you do when you hear negativity on a regular basis because it's SO HARD to think through that. I didn't realize how much I was talking negatively about myself until I was with a friend and he pointed out each time I said something negative in that manner. I was baffled It was OFTEN and I THOUGHT I was better ..... YIKES! Working harder but just ..... I'm referring back to books and videos for more self-awareness to help curb this new-to-me AWARENESS. WOW. What a GREAT friend who was pointing it all out every single time. I'm not trying to place ALL the blame on the narcissist abuse. I'll tell ya though, it certainly still has an impact. People don't have a clue as much as I can hide it whenever I can!
It's amazing how self-awareness can bring about positive changes in our lives. Keep working on yourself, and remember, progress is a journey, not a destination.
i've worked on breaking my own cycles of self destruction. it's much like that poem you read once about walking down the street. i find myself start to get irritated and angry during conversations, but now i've started to pause as i speak if my emotions start to get out of control. i'll say something like "i'm sorry, i'm getting too loud. let me try again" or "give me one second. i'm starting to feel myself getting upset." it's saved my relationships. i used to lean into my maladaptive beliefs of thinking no one truly loved or understood me, so i pushed everyone away. now, my loved ones are proud of me for changing both my behavior and thinking patterns. i feel heard and cherished. my change in perspective is all thanks to these videos, Dr. Fox. i walk down the same street and fall down the same hole, but this time i know i'm not stuck here.
Great video! I know a lot of people here are thinking, 'Oh, I'll give myself compassion when I feel like I've earned it.' Or, 'Oh, I'll persevere when it seems like I have some utopia of no struggling to look forward to.' Or, 'Oh, I'll leave my house and stop isolating/pushing people away when I feel confident enough.' But then we're letting our feelings take the drivers seat and control our lives. Our feelings want to keep us safe, and they should be acknowledged and validated, but ultimately we have the final say. This was a big change in mindset for me, to not always go with my feelings. You can feel social anxiety and go out anyway, and feel insecure and undeserving and still give yourself care and respect, and you can feel a little hopeless sometimes and still keep going anyway, just in case there's some hope you haven't thought of yet. A lot of us have persevered so much already, just the fact that we are still here today. So give yourself some credit at least that none of us have given up yet.
Thank you for sharing your insightful perspective! It's important to acknowledge our feelings while also taking control of our actions.
Just this week, I realized that I was sabotaging myself. The feelings were so strong that I felt sick to my stomach. I did my best to ride the wave of those feelings and try to relax by reading christian motivation books. I realize that self-discipline is a form of self-love and by doing things to myself such as smoking.Weed all day and going against.My moral code is doing nothing but hurt in myself.And why hurt myself when i've been hurt enough by others.. Thank you so much for this video.Sometimes life works funny.I feel like everything I've read this week fits my situation so strongly.
An odd thing: right before the self destruction comes this thought. "What i am about to do is important and necessary. I MUST do it because this is what is best for me." In my head, it's the thundering voice of Truth. Weeks or months later, I look back. Crap. I screwed myself over. Again.
Thanks, Dr. Fox, for giving hope and instructions on how to change. ❤
Glad you found this helpful. Be well.
The concept of the family in the head is interesting. I never realized how much that impacts my life. I also love the thought that a comfort zone is what you're used to and not necessarily good. To combat the family in the head, I try to pause and actually converse with those thoughts out loud and try to use logic. It can be tricky but like you said, practicing helps.
I love your channel, doctor. Thank you for compassionately sharing your wisdom with us.
How to fux (chronic) Procrastination?
If you have BPD I have a theory for you, I have BPD but there's a symptom of ADHD that resonates with me and others with BPD a lot, people talk about executive dysfunction a lot. I feel like I do that, like procrastinating but extra steps. I figured out that's my dissociation. You may be doing the same thing, dissociating when you're overwhelmed, stressed, scared etc. And telling yourself "I need to stop procrastinating" when maybe you're actually not
This is very insightful and helpful. I never really thought of This. I suffer so much from procrastination too. Before I know it, hours have passed and I haven’t done much. Wow thanks!
@Amused_Comfort_Inc "sadly" that part does not fit my description.
I do not have BPD. And i do actually procrastinate ALOT. To the extreme.
Only the middle part of your example sort of fit my problem.
It is hell.
That is only way i can summarize it.
If hell has 7 levels, then my procrastination is the "softest" level.
I can see life crumble before me.
I know things has to be done.
I sort of have the KNOWLEDGE.
And i am supersmart.
But for "some reason" i can not get my self to INITIATE(Execution Function) to just do those important stuff.
I do know my pittuary gland has problems. (Several hormones is often slightly off to easily triggered in wrong directions. Prolactine, Testosterone.
I know i have a small cyst in my pottuary gland. (Maybe initially from an accident from childhood to that area).
And i know my Dopamine is off.
Music, food, "sex release", etc is all that has helped me in the past.
BUT:
Food (carbs actually) triggers bloodsugar and dopamine... but i have had Insulin Resistance now for over 10 years. And since then iwhen i eat high carb my body just gets quickly tured and all my energy zaps out. And i often fall asleep.
So can not use high carb to trigger my dopamine (to overcome the procrastination).
And the "hubt for sexual release" has nothing to do with testosterone levels. It is the hunt for the RELEASE because i am trying to grt the Dopamine burst.
BUT that is useless, because after that Dopamine release... it fades away so quickly. And body also gets to tired/"sleepy"/etc... so not a dopamine effect that csn harvest to combat the extreme procrastination.
Music? Yes... but that is at same time a "disturbance" so the effect is not that usefull on tasks that actually must concentrate on. (Allthough helps to kickstart a EF problem.. it does not necesary helps with staying focused).
I know medicines like Concerta, etc would help.
But i currently do not have access to it.
So i need to go to the doctor. (But its a tough long process, which require a lot of planning and documentations from me. Guess what? My procrastination "loves" that; sarcastic:(
But my Procrastination is blocking me a lot from starting the process of getting help to fix the procrastination.
An ugly catch22.
So no, i do not have BPD.
And yes i definitly have Procrastinationproblemd.
Very extreme also.
Its like looking back at a carnage of scorced ..... and i have involuntarly been a captive without any option to do anything about it.
Thank you so much for reframing ìnternalization in such a practical way. The "family in your head" simply brilliant!
I have been able to manage my splitting and symptoms enough to get a job as a government relations specialist. Appearing normal can be difficult for sure. When I feel stressed, I shut down and don't do my job, then as the pressure builds I think about quitting. THAT must be what you're talking about. Catching it first step would be keeping myself focused enough on the goal to make sure I"m keeping up with the work, instead of sabotaging by being unprepared?
very much appreciate the effort that goes into the filming and editing of these videos on top of all the information. it’s really lovely to see the care in the improving quality. shoutout to your team and thank you for another incredibly helpful video, doc! 🙏🏽❤️
Yes- Doc Fox puts an energy and passionate inferno into these videos about BPD- far and away the BEST expert in the world about the topic.
There are others out there who touch on the condition- and mostly to paint us as Satan- and others who give us a mix of Ben Stein style monotone monologue, mixed with dog whistle, passive aggressive demonizing-
Then, there’s Doc Fox- and absolute expert, a phenomenal supporter and cheerleader for us, and his passion for helping us is so blatant and over the top, it’s so obvious even the MOST suspicious and distrusting among us cannot deny him
So I haven't fully beaten it ... I still struggle with the belief of I'm expendable .... but alot of the other ones that pop up I've been able to fix with time ... and working hard at growing passed the things that validate the negative beliefs about myself .... I'm a monster got better once I started gaining control over my anger outburst by starting to map out the right time tk separate before I get to the point of no return..... I'm nothing but a sex toy to peoel got better once I stopped giving into the impulsive need for validation through sex ... and really I mean not keeping boundaries to who I would and woudlent sleep with ... I've worked hard at alot of push back .... but can't brake the I'm expendable issue meaning not like they can't get what I am and more from other peole so I start to feelnlike I don't matter.... that I'm expendable....so haven't found a way I feel is healthy to push back agenst that
You are allowed to be loved, just because you are alive. Each individual, plant, animal, human being is some weird stuff that grew on the planet (maybe on other planets, as-well). Our experiences being limited here, it's just a reward in itself to feel life, to feel other human beings, including you :) Even the many many tiny cells that collaborate to form your body are nice, let alone you, the whole that is a lot greater than the sum of its parts. I don't think it's about "value" in itself... it's about this weirdness of being alive. Your comment, your thoughts made my day a little better, and my life, thorough them. Thank you. These thoughts are part of me now, as well.
Daddy you and baby girl are hysterical! Love your family and videos!
projection is the name of the game.
How to destroy your life ?
Me: Be in a narcissistic relationship
Thank you for this, I'll probably watch it again and let it sink in more. Nice editing on the video by the way 😀
Up until last week, I had a roommate who blurted out at me *randomly* one day, "I know you think I'm an idiot!" I was STUNNED because I have never once come anything close to thinking she was an idiot. The next day, I casually brought up what she said, and she told me that "everyone in my family has told me I'm an idiot" (notice the all-or-nothing thinking patterns, as if to say every single person in her family has opened their mouth and stated that to her at one time or another). So, I went out to buy this deeply-damaged person some Smarties candy to leave near her bed. When she asked me who put them there, I replied, "Someone who thinks you are smart did, and now whenever you have thoughts about your family calling you an idiot, you can pop one of those Smartie candies in your mouth and remember that at least one person thinks you're smart."
...totally blew up in my face...
She totally made up some completely unrelated narrative. I might as well have spewed a bunch of word salad to her because the narrative she created was completely unrelated to what I said and involved unrelated individuals. Needless to say, I moved. smh
That sounds like a challenging situation, sorry you had to deal with that!
I just loved this video and I’m going to send it to a friend who is socially self-destructive. There’s a lot of tips in this video that anyone can use. Thank you for being so clear and for presenting this info so simply.
Thanks for sharing!!
I’ve struggled with self sabotage for a long time but never knew it was called that. Just this past week, I sabotaged myself and hurt my roommate/friend in the process. We talked it out and we are fine but my fear is that I will do it again but this video gave me a lot of good advice and information to counteract those self sabotaging tendencies. Thank you, Dr. Fox!
Stay strong and you’re very welcome.
Family in the head ❤. Thank you
Hey Doc..
I am taking one step after another to get out of my comfortability n this really is so satisfying.Thank you so much for this video.
The idea of family in the head seems to be able to help me a lot. I can survive pretty well, but growth is slow and difficult. I have to take more risks in order to grow, but my mother's voice screams for safety. I observe that I have doubts for a very long time and finally decide to prioritize safety. My doubts seem also to cost a way too much time and make my decision-making less effective. How can I embrace growth?
Very helpful videos!
“Family in the head” reminded me of IFS therapy. 🧐
Thanks for the encouragement. I'm really struggling with my value as when I think I deserve to be valued the real world gives me experiences that confirm I am not valued. That leads to anger and bitter depression because if I believe the positive belief, then why is my experience this way, and if I believe the negative belief I just don't try.
I concur 😇
I have this "family in the head" and it's annoying. Thank you for making me aware of this.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
In three words, you are the best!
PERFECT video! Thank you for this!!!
You're so welcome!
@@DrDanielFox What a gift to have AMAZING passion for helping those of us who struggle with this yet keep plugging along. We may stumble from time to time and it can be a BIG struggle after all the stuffing things down comes to the surface, but these things with the various problem areas can go right to the videos, book topics and the card deck that is necessary to regroup and refocus at any time. Little tears of gratitude. It's definitely not easy and can get tiring sometimes but as you say, "Easier said than done but not impossible." I use that quote A LOT!!
Thanks for the video, you just helped me right now break one of this cicles for today and care for me/my needs instead. Thank you a lot. Its not easy sometimes
Glad I could help!
I need to watch this every morning. Thank you for this❤
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
You are the only person I can listen to that brings me a sense of calmness because I finally feel understood
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.
I find that what's comforting for me is just merging with a romantic partner, that we would do what she likes and I'll comfort her when she needs comforting, that she'll be kind to me, tell me what to do, teach me things, decorate my apartment the way she wants to. On the other hand she'll love me and appreciate me and will take me with her.
I see love as being separate to performance, to possessing the attributes of a superior specimen, to be successful, to be good looking. These are about "winning", while love is about "losing", losing to the other person, just a tiny bits of you, bits that you pass onto your loved ones. The advancement of the human race is not comparable to the life of an individual.
OMG, so helpful, thank you 🤕 😊
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Modeling your relationship with a narcissist creates a chaotic chain.
Thank you I'm spiraling 😢
Wow, this video is right on time
Thanks❣️
You're welcome 😊
Thanks!
You're so welcome and thank you for your kind support of the channel. It means a lot when people help support the cause of putting out honest and research based information. Thank you and be well.
100%!!! The closer something comes up, the higher my anxiety gets -- POTENT and INTENSE. It's been like this for YEARS before I was diagnosed with neither BPD nor PTSD. Yeup, you're NAILING it, and not a clue I ever had it until after narcissist abuse when it came to light. What on earth do you do when you hear negativity on a regular basis because it's SO HARD to think through that. I didn't realize how much I was talking negatively about myself until I was with a friend and he pointed out each time I said something negative in that manner. I was baffled It was OFTEN and I THOUGHT I was better ..... YIKES! Working harder but just ..... I'm referring back to books and videos for more self-awareness to help curb this new-to-me AWARENESS. WOW. What a GREAT friend who was pointing it all out every single time. I'm not trying to place ALL the blame on the narcissist abuse. I'll tell ya though, it certainly still has an impact. People don't have a clue as much as I can hide it whenever I can!
It's amazing how self-awareness can bring about positive changes in our lives. Keep working on yourself, and remember, progress is a journey, not a destination.
@@DrDanielFox Thank you so much. 100%
One of your best Dr Fox.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.