What's Your Anger Trying to Tell you?
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- Опубликовано: 19 май 2024
- This video delves into the complex landscape of anger, offering insight into its multifaceted triggers and consequences. From explosive outbursts to simmering resentment, this exploration navigates the intricacies of familial dynamics and internal dialogues that fuel intense emotional reactions. Whether it's grappling with road rage or deciphering the role of self-talk in amplifying anger, this journey illuminates the profound impact of unchecked emotions on personal relationships and self-perception. By delving into the roots of anger and cultivating self-awareness, individuals are empowered to chart a path towards emotional regulation and healthier interactions, fostering resilience and harmony amidst life's tumultuous currents.
Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.
He has published several articles and books in these areas and is the author of:
The BPD Card Deck: 50 Ways to Balance Emotions and Live Well with Borderline Personality Disorder. Available at: www.shorturl.at/jBHJV
Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:
rb.gy/hdyqyy
Antisocial, Narcissistic, and Borderline Personality Disorders: A New Conceptualization of Development, Reinforcement, Expression, and Treatment. Available at: tinyurl.com/2anv8dww
The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook: An Integrative Program to Understand and Manage Your BPD. Available at: goo.gl/LQEgy1
Antisocial, Borderline, Narcissistic and Histrionic Workbook: Treatment Strategies for Cluster B Personality Disorders (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Gold Award Winner): goo.gl/BLRkFy
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Toolbox: 55 Practical Treatment Techniques for Clients, Their Parents & Their Children (IPBA Benjamin Franklin Silver Award Winner):: goo.gl/sZYhym
Dr. Fox has given numerous workshops and seminars on ethics and personality disorders, personality disorders and crime, treatment solutions for treating clients along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum, emotional intelligence, managing mental health within the prison system, and others. Dr. Fox maintains a website of various treatment interventions focused on working with and attenuating the symptomatology related to individuals along the antisocial, borderline, narcissistic, and histrionic personality spectrum (www.drdfox.com).
RUclips: / @drdanielfox
Dr. Fox’s website: www.drdfox.com/
Dr. Fox’s Blog: www.psychologytoday.com/us/bl...
Facebook: / appliedpsychservices
Twitter: / drdanieljfox1
LinkedIn: / drdfox
Instagram: / drdfox
Amazon Author’s Page: amazon.com/author/drfox
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00:00 Introduction
00:12 When everything makes you angry
00:57 When you explode in anger
01:24 Family in the head (self-talk)
02:31 Road rage
03:19 Anger and loved ones
04:57 Are your relationships good or bad?
05:31 What triggers your anger?
07:50 Managing anger through self-control
Angry outbursts are something that I've struggled with most of my life. Thank you for not only describing what it's like but also providing helpful solutions in how to respond when I feel angry by seeing the situation differently. I'm still working on not exploding but I find that if I can pause before I react (even though at times that's difficult to do) that helps. It does take practice but as I pause, the angry outbursts have lessened.
It's great to hear that the strategies are helping you manage your anger better. Keep practicing, and you'll see even more improvement over time!
@@DrDanielFoxI'll never understand BPD.
Most sufferers have genius level IQ's.
The few I know are extremely successful. However, they cannot have healthy relationships.
Maybe the highly successful borderlines are comorbid with NPD?
@@darthvader78441nope.... It's just CPTSD and high sensitivity (hypervigilence) that overcome everything and lead to failure
When I stopped smoking weed I expected some irritability but I was not expecting so much intense anger to surface. I was definitely using weed to ignore the anger. I have to walk on a treadmill to physically get it out.
Ooh good point. When triggered listening to music and going for 10- 20km walks really helped to get it out
Good for you for quitting! Strikes a chord with me that anger came up when you stopped. I likewise had been using things to prevent me facing my grief and anger. For me was liquor and antidepressants.
@@brightphoebussame here, totally! Now looking at it this way, it makes so much sense. All this while we were avoiding our realities through different maladaptive ways..through healing those ways became less maladaptive and more coping more helpful still we were only escaping and avoiding our lives in partial gear. It's really hard to just go full gear with our own lives honestly cause it brings up so many of those intense emotions up to the surface again, but ultimately we gotta use that common sense tactic and set up a new perspective discarding the distorted one, truly a tough job!
It was through this avoiding that I learnt that I can only help my bpd through living and master my distortions not by just soothing the pain but also facing it head on and changing my narrative about it which has drastic results in the affirmative.
@@LurkingLinnet Awesome! Thanks for the encouragement! ☺
I run. If I don't it's constant demonic rage with intense revenge fantasies.
Dear Dr. Fox
I commented just now on yourHSP video. I got really anxious and couldn’t watch it because of the way it was visually and audibly edited.
I’ve come to this one that you released just a month ago. Since feedback is pretty useless unless paired with a *positive* example, please may I ask you to check this excellent video out as a comparison to the new style of editing?
This video is great. Nice GENTLE transitions between you talking and any supportive images. The text appears calmly in an easily readable font to your right without “shoving” you out of the way, providing a sense of visual calm and groundedness. No distracting noises OR visuals which is relaxing and we can just focus on you and your content.
Please bring this format back. I never realised it until today but this is what helped me SO MUCH when I first found you.
I’d hate to not be able to follow your future videos purely because they’re too over stimulating! This older format feels like you’re talking at me - in a nice clean quiet cheerful room. Nothing else needed 🙂
Thank you for reading! I hope this comment helps other sensitives like me (I’m passionate about good editing and train employees to think about how visual design in apps and presentations impacts others, and I never thought that would help me give feedback on video editing!)
🙂🙏🏼
this is kinda adjacent, but something Ive seen is that anger as an emotion is a tool to recognize injustice against you, mistreatment etc.
obviously this can go into overdrive sometimes but for me, even though I'm not violent at all my anger always scared me, especially as a kid. I thought that it would scare off other people, which frankly it did or does. but recognizing it not as something to stow away and be shameful of, that it's the part of me that really cares in a sense. just being able to accept it as a part of my emotional gradient, that there's a healthy place for it, was helpful for me in trying to return it to a healthy amount. it's something I'm still working on, but it's easier to find a correct response and outlet rather than trying to pretend it's something that doesn't exist
This! I agree. Anger being negative is flawed logic. It evolved for a reason.
They get obsessed with defining it but forgot to ask... is it really bad? Or a necessity to life?would be same as having zero ego. They also confuse or equate anger with bad behavior. I can be very angry about child abuse but I don't behave badly because of that anger instead i volunteer to help? In this example, Anger could create a positive change. Time to reevaluate
The script?
Agree!
Righteous anger is good and a motivator to ringer wrongs.
I don’t believe Dr. Fox is covering the ‘whole’ of anger in this video. My guess is he would agree.
As someone with adult diagnosed ADHD that laziness talking point was rather uncomfortable. I've spent so many years of my life tearing myself to shreds over how lazy I am while trying my hardest to muster even an ounce of executive function using strategies instilled into me by others that I doubt ever even worked for NT people. At this point I'm not even sure laziness exists at all.
Thank you for opening up about your experience with ADHD. Your honesty helps break down misconceptions and stigma.
Well yesterday I enforced a boundary. I had previously told my boss I was not going to go to work if there was snow in the forecast, due to my near head-on collision last time I had to go home in the snow. She tried to get me to go anyway and I felt triggered. So I resisted the temptation to text her back. I did not answer when she phoned. I knew I was feeling triggered, thoughts like 'she values her life but not not not mine', 'she just wants the job done even if it costs my life' were going through my head. I put on my boots and coat and went for a nice walk in the snow to the cemetery. It always calms me to visit the graves. I read the names of people who lived before out loud, and I calculate how old they were when they died. It puts things in perspective. And I felt calm and peaceful and proud of myself for sticking to my guns, and for not blowing up. The road was black then, but it could be covered in a few hours. And driving in the snow, wind and dark, out in the woods, is dangerous.
A pet peeve of mine is when you ask viewers to like, share and subscribe. Why do you do that? I know they all do that, you want your channel to grow, but is that so you can help more people, or is it just about money. Is it about asking for what you want in life, (you have to ask for what you want) or is it about control. It makes me feel controlled. It makes me feel like I am not allowed to have the reigns in life. I am already subscribed, I like videos that I enjoy and find useful, and I don't use social media. I very rarely send a video to my daughter. I send her ones I think are relevant to her , and only rarely or she won't take them seriously. Should I just breeze past that part of the video? I fully realize its your video and you can say whatever you want, and you don't have to prove yourself to anyone. I was swindled by my own family and I'm so afraid of being used and swindled again by someone I trust. Can I trust you?
Also I hope you don't think I'm lazy. I do my best at my job. I am the best janitrix my boss has. I really care about the quality of my work and the environment I provide for the staff who spend their work lives in those buildings. I want to ensure hygeine safety, and improve job satisfaction. I am the Homemaker, but professionally. I work regularly 25 hours a week, and that's a lot of mopping sweeping, wiping, and vacuuming. If I work 30 hours a week I get exhausted.
I do laze about sometimes and what you said gave me food for thought. Perhaps I indulge too much in feelings of it's not worth it and I can't. I have been very ambitious in my past and I have a goal even now and I'm diligently saving a certain amount every month towards that goal. I do work hard and I do have a plan.
I like to flip houses. I like figuring out how to do upgrades and making things better, then selling the house for a profit. When I was building my boundary fence, I hired some men to help me move my garden shed, and he said to me, "You like workin' don't you?" He could see how much physical labor and energy I had put into my yard. That fence has added a lot of equity to my home. Dug all the post holes myself, hauled all the lumber in my four door sedan (and cracked windscreen), hauled all the bags of instant concrete required for the job myself. And that was the limit of what I can lift with my previously work injured arms. Those things are darn heavy! Times like those I wish I had a man around the house.
I also built a woodshed from scrap. Very few people have seen those videos I uploaded, but I made videos about building the shed and put them up on RUclips. You said you are interested in people watching. I invite you to people watch me. I am utterly and completely honest in my videos. My videos are for self-expression and nothing more. I don't stand to gain anything but human connection and sharing. I realize that is no longer what RUclips is about. I joined here in 2009, before monetization.
Anyway I hope you don't think this all was extremely weird. I figure if there's anyone on here I can safely say this to it must be you. I know you don't know me and I'm not your client. My doctor says I'm quirky. But I'm not dangerous. I feel like you are genuine. And I understand if you don't reply. It won't be the end of my world. That's okay. I'm just saying that's all. I'm a grown up. I'm actually turning 50 this year. Planning to go see my daughter for that. Thank you for your previous replies, I appreciate it.
So now my boss has tried to call me again and texted me asking me to call her back and I am literally shaking. Tension down my arms and my hands are quaking. I cannot write her back in this state. It looks like it'll be okay to go to work tonight, and I can get caught up on cleaning. It was hardly dirty on Monday so unless they made a big mess on Tuesday I don't expect it's that bad.
Also please Dr Fox, if you do happen to venture over to my uploads, please check out one of my old music slideshow vids to see something more polished and put together than my usual ad-lib uploads of myself jabbering. I am quite proud of some of those. My Pink Floyd one, my Green Crown Sleep Awhile. My Sam Lee Puck's Song. It's about the history of Britain.
I appreciate you being open and vulnerable in your comment.
I think the RUclips algorithms are based on likes and subscriptions. So it pushes a lot of people to have to say that in their videos.
@@melb2734 well, I don't like it. I don't think anybody has to say anything. Particularly professionals who already worked hard to get their doctorate, and make an excellent living. Why does a doctor need a successful money-making RUclips channel??
@@melb2734 besides, you don't have to say it to become successful on youtube. You know who doesn't say it? ThoughtyTwo, one of the biggest, most professional, and most interesting presenters on RUclips. All he says at the end of his videos is "Thanks for watching".
Be kind to yourselves, everyone! We need to be more gentle on ourselves. It's so very hard, and I wish people would truly understand that it's a disorder with subsequent maladaptive traits that I feel we don't choose. We feel so bad afterwards, being unkind to ourselves for our traits, thus increasing emotional distress. Dr Fox has hit the nail on the head completely. I wish you all well in trying to heal, trying to cope with this illness. It's the test of our lives. HOPE is sometimes all we have to keep going. Hope from teachings like this video, hope from a walk on the beach, seeing the ocean, a walk in the woods hearing the birdsong, the smell of fresh coffee, or music 🎶 🎵 which for me is a saviour. Please be kind to yourselves. Every human can strive to change, for better.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and perspective. It's important to remind ourselves to be kind and gentle with our own selves.
I needed this video! I am struggling with my relationship with my Mom. Seems I'm more angry/moody when she's around then when she isn't. But I want her around. It's really hard to manage. The stress is becoming too much. She's always lived long distances and she recently moved in with us and it's definitely not what I expected it to be. Of course, I went on her words. So I appreciate this topic!!
I imagine my (now deceased) grandmother is next to me. She was so good to me through my youth... I can't bear the thought of disappointing her.
Its work overload, its the expectation I have of myself, its the not so happy work or home environment that just makes it seem too much to bear. Oh and the injustices that you are involved with. But after a while after the anger out burst (hopefully you are alone when you let go of your cool), then you find that SUDDENLY things work. Im trying now to stay calm and then SUDDENLY things start to work. Anger really hurts the body on so many levels, and its so cruel to subject yourself to your anger or anyone else's anger. Keep boundries to protect your mind, body, emotions, spirit. ⭐
Thanks for this Dr fox! I'm 25 & I struggle a lot with angry outbursts 💀. It's usually aimed towards the ppl closest to me yes and I mostly feel sooo guilty abt it afterwards bc I realised I overreacted hahaha
You are so welcome!
I can control my anger to a point now. I use STOP more frequently, but if it is a day where there is thing after thing after thing going wrong, and almost always combined with a lack of decent sleep for days as well, I end up being an asshole if I have to communicate with other people.
And I just typed out a whole story about the last time I was angry and realized that using "check the facts" might be a good idea..
I am still working on realizing that other people have issues that have nothing to do with me, and they might be treating me differently because of something else; they are likely not mad at me, hate me, or think that I said something wrong.
It is almost always something that triggers me from the past that makes me go off. It all goes back to childhood, really. But then again, it almost always is feeling ignored and having a really low self-worth or self-loathing kind of half a day or full day or last few days.
I mean, I was formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder in 2014, but sometimes I think I have CPTSD and autism instead. Or it could be all 3.
One of my main problems is probably that I have no social support besides from my half sister and even that relationship is shaky.
Or is it that I have been so dependent on needing support that I really instead need to learn to stand on my own?
Because I was the one who pushed the people I had left out of my life for several different reasons. About 3 years ago now. And I have no desire to want to talk to any of them.
I see social interactions with people as mostly negative and anxiety provoking to the point that those feelings cancel out what little positive interactions there are...
I've been playing phone tag trying to get my first appointment set up after having filled out forms for a new counseling place. I haven't been to counseling in 3 years either.
You sound just like me.
Some people get off on needling people to the point of anger. I am grateful to be old enough to generally anticipate and avoid those traps mostly by knowing the provocateurs from past experience. But anger is a useful emotion. Jesus was angry at the pharisees and hypocrites.
Thank you Dr. Fox for sharing your pet peeve and what helps u.
The more adaptive examples we hear and observe the more likely our brain will be to hesitate and consider other options.
It’s called training the brain…it’s real!!
BTW I am one of those lazy folks-even though I completed nursing school, decades long career-retired from AF reserves, I still consider myself lazy because I do things for the most part to the bare minimum. Don’t get me wrong I believe I was a good conscientious nurse, just never had that drive to be ‘the best’.
Thank you for your kind words and for sharing your experience. It's never too late to work on yourself and strive for improvement!
@@DrDanielFox I agree thank you Dr. Fox.
From my point of view laziness, not doing the things adults wanted me to do as a child, was my only demonstration of control in various situations, I wanted out of the situation. It then became a habit and the general statement to life.
It's interesting how childhood habits can shape our approach to life as adults.
I walk away if i can/ do something else and come back after having time to think about it
Anger isn't simply a reaction to taking things personally; we can feel angry when our goals are interrupted or blocked, so it can be justified in that sense
That's a valid point! Anger can stem from various sources, not just personal attacks.
I know that I am angry most of the day, even though I look quiet and peaceful. Some things trigger me and I dont know how to act in a normal way. For example, I frequently get angry at my boyfriends place because the people there dont really clean up after themselves. Now, as I write this, I know it is not always true. But, one of the housemates girlfriend (she is quite young, around 20 or 21?) washed the dishes yesterday and when I came today to his place, the dishes were so badly washed, I had to clean the tray and some of the dishes. And I was upset and had bad thoughts about her: She is useless, lazy, doesnt respect the place, no-one has taught her seriously to wash dishes? It seems to be petty or maybe my reaction was so evil. Another housemate just commented before: Did a blind person clean the dishes? - but he left the dishes and did not do anything. So why did , someone who does not even live there, clean it? Because I like being in a clean space but I feel the people there dont. I get angry and frustrated and I have problems keeping my calm. I told my boyfriend many times about it and he is busy and he agrees with me but he still hasnt managed to put it into priority to talk to the guys to keep a cleaning plan. I feel disappointed. I moved out of his house because I felt that the people there did not care much about cleaning, even though we had a cleaning plan. Is my anger justified? I felt so hopeless and disrespected, even from my boyfriend. He knows that I struggled but then we focused more on the fact that I got so angry because I couldnt express myself in a calm way, even though I tried. I got angry because I was tired of repeating myself. That I could not confront to the other housemates about it, that I was waiting for my boyfriend (he is the main tenant) to resolve it. Now that I am writing this, I feel triggered again. I feel that my boyfriend did not take seriously my concerns. I am angry at him that I had to move out in the end. I dont know what to do. I have bad thoughts about him now, feeling that he does not value my feelings.
I hope you find someone who values your good traits like cleanliness.
Are we supposed to settle (tolerate abuse/toxic behavior/people)? I get angry, but I use the "emotional energy" to find a healthy option (go around the barrier instead of through it (brute force/lash out)).
It's important to prioritize your well-being and not settle for toxic situations.
Get rid of the black and white thinking that causes anger. Replace the 'shouldn't' (they shouldn't do that) with "I'd prefer they didn't do that" or "It would be better if they didn't do that" This comes from Albert Ellis RET and David Burns "Feeling Good"
That's great advice! Changing our language can have a big impact on how we perceive and react to situations.
I’ve noticed I have to work on not being entitled to have an angry episode
In Scotland what would have happened is the boy would have gotten a kicking and last warning.
What wouldn’t have happened is a family being assassinated by a semi automatic weapon. But that’s a whole other debate that’s been raging on for decades.
I guess my fire extinguisher is avoidance/disengaging but I dont think it's a healthy coping mechanism.
I guess I need to work on mindfulness
What?
"laziness" is a judgement. Thanx for sharing one of your own peevs.
Aside from that, this video is quite helpful. Reminds me that I've some more internal work to do🫡
Glad it was helpful!