Two small things that have helped me function in spite of social awkwardness are. 1) no one is nearly as concerned with what I say or do as I worry they will be, and 2) if you can choose to say/do anything, choose to be kind. When someone is kind, that is what we stands out about them, not any awkwardness.
Absolutely. People eager to pick at your every quirk are only doing so out of diversion to their own that they're not comfortable with. It has nothing to do with you. It's not personal. We turn it personal. We can equally choose not to. People who are comfortable with themselves will be comfortable with you. Try it. Observe happy healthy people then copy it for a while. It's amazing.
Holy cow 😮. I’ve been using that metaphor forever “I’m a square try to fit in a circle.” Couldn’t believe it when you described how I feel exactly. That is very helpful to feel like not the only square out there lol
I feel like a bother to people, I just want to shut down. I feel so unfulfilled. I feel so much but yet I don't know what I am feeling or how to feel sometimes. I feel like people can see right through me, or I feel like I can see right through the game that their playing. I feel like an outsider and a fraud. I have really, really good days then the smallest things just snap me back into BPD "reality". I am starting treatment, I know it's what I need, but I'm scared and I don't know how to approach it. I feel like I am going to seem too difficult for people and they may think I am treatment resistant. How can you feel so empty and yet feel so overwhelmed!
Thank you for that. What you so eloquently wrote was like a verbatim confession from my own mind, but you wrote it in a FAR better flow than I could’ve- it was brief, but very impactful- highly intellectual, but simultaneously very easy to comprehend. Very nice composition, BPD brother/sister! LOVE it!! ❤❤
I never realised the connection between BPD and the pervasive feeling of social awkwardness!! This gives me hope that by working on my BPD symptoms I could aliviate the stress I feel in social settings. Such a simple idea, but it feels huge. Thank you so much Dr. Fox ❤ and greetings from Finland 🇫🇮
Paused it thrice, rolled on with my panic attack..threw in some soothing mechanisms and here i am the fourth time! Finally completed the video! #Proud❤
@@LurkingLinnetYou're welcome. It just dawned on me what my handle is haha (it's because I was trying to own my awkwardness at one point). and then I saw yours and it seemed fitting in a way with the video (in my brain at least). Made me smile.
The feeling of being socially awkward is so internalised that my confidence is fully dependent on people I validate (the idealised group of people).......... There is another group of people, my brain completely devalues.... Black and white thinking- best people and worst people.... I feel like a superficial selfish person who is always victimising herself.... But I can't help it... I identify the symptoms, but insight is just not enough to change it for the better... Added: Depression is making it worse and more complicated... Thank you Dr Fox ...!! Your videos really help and support .. they help me understand things systematically and pick one thing at a time and try to work on it... love from India 🙏🌺
Pls make a video on "BPD:Handling my 2 selves" I'm talking about the splitting behavior that makes me wanna cut. It's the ultimate opposite of kindness, goodness. I'm a completely different person a different personality. I have to tame that side. I'm a petualant. That's the side that encourages me to be bitter.
@@EllieBearHasACat he has a video about the dark side of bpd, and several other videos about identity and who am I.. I know it's hard, but those negative traits that feel so You when you're in that space, are not you. That's the disorder.
@@EllieBearHasACatI don't think it's borderline related. BPD person is rather unintentionally destructive. Uncalculated aggression and definitely not sadism. I would say it has nothing to do with BPD
I'm so glad i found your channel, after my BPD diagnosis 4 years ago I've finally come around to accepting it. Your channel and videos are helping me greatly to move forward and deal with life accordingly. Thanks so much!
I can’t really put words together especially when I’m talking in a group. My mind goes blank and now when I try to speak at work I get disregarded. Im not coherent and it’s getting worse.
Same here. I can think of what I need to say to effectively and meaningfully communicate to another a response or conversation starter that would be effective, well spoken, considerate of their feelings, and will explain well any “edges” that may come from my expression of the feelings that come with those words- with those “edges” being smoothed out by my further elaboration of why I described the first part in a way that could be perceived as crude or insensitive- intentionally to properly convey the intensity of something they did or said, that hurt me- and had to be worded in a way that is clear and blunt so they get the point, followed with why I had to word it that way, and disarm them in summary. What comes out, though- no matter how well I plan to tackle the verbal discussion- will start off well, and slowly mutate into a clumsy clusterfuck of words and expressions coming out in the wrong order, losing words in my short term memory, followed by awkward pauses, and replacing the words that had IMPACT and the CORRECT power, with vague and simple synonyms, that hardly even belong in the topic, or the sentence. Throw in some bee- lining of digression and falling completely off topic into a hellscape of irrelevance- and it so often leaves me feeling a dullard who exhibits early signs of dementia. What a frigged up existence. What I wouldn’t GIVE to be able to manifest outwardly to the world, what my brain can so flawlessly and effectively compose- only to have those compositions fall right off into a bottomless abyss in the most painful of ways- a couple of millimeters before all of it crosses that threshold of where they jump that microscopic gap where my neurological system ends, and the open atmosphere right beyond my lips begins. 😆🤦🤷♂️🤡🤡🤡
Great video, loved how you highlighted the social awkwardness in relationships component. I think a lot of people really struggle with shame in that area even after they've beaten some of the other things you raised. It can be tough.
The reason for social anxiety pretty much boils down to how people treat you. You subconciously notice peoples subtle facial expressions, body language and their tone of voice when they talk to you and if its positive youll be mentally healthy but if its negative youll develop social anxiety and depression. If you're a dude who is short and goofy looking you know what im talking about ;)
Interesting, I haven't thought of it like that before. And as I've learned from Dr. Fox and others - BPD can make something seem bad when really it's neutral. Put those two together, geez no wonder I'm socially anxious and awkward! 😳🤪😊
@@awkwardemily15 psychiatrists often hyperfocus on the few times you're wrong about a social situation and be like "see? you have bpd" or "see you're paranoid". The sad reality is that you look a certain way people will react to you different. The proof is right in front of everyones noses. Not to mention the fact that the vast majority of people with mental illnesses are on the red side of the looks spectrum. In mental institusjons how many good looking people will you see there? Probably not many
Do you have any advice for how people on the autism spectrum can reduce our social awkwardness? We are often treated like we don't fit in because, well, we're socially awkward and we don't fit in. That doesn't mean we don't want to fit in, but it's hard to be accepted as your authentic self in a neurotypical society. Is there something other than masking that we can do to generate more positive outcomes in social interactions?
In my experience its all about practice and trial and error :) I'd love to share some of the best bits of advice that I think helped me bridge the social/socially awkward gap that I always struggled with. I'm in my 30's and work a socially taxing job in hospitality. I'm a server/sommelier and wine educator, and even though I still walk away from a lot of these interactions literally saying "oh my god WHY am I SO AWKWARD," but now its in a way that I can laugh about rather than being totally devastated. Full disclosure, I'm still in the process of getting accurate diagnoses for the mental and developmental health issues I have (after one experience where a pediatric psychologist told her that I likely have more than just ADHD, she refused to get me tested or pursue treatment options for them as she told me that having these diagnoses would "ruin my life forever" and that "I would never be able to be able to live a normal life." Thanks, mom.... 🙄). I had an extremely difficult time fitting in for most of my life, so this advice might differ contextually from the experience of others. OK SO THE TIPS! 1. Practice helps! Becoming socially adept, for me, did involve a lot of observation and copying the behaviors of others, and at first this absolutely made me MORE awkward because it probably was clear that it was inauthentic. Like when you read Shakespeare out and youre saying all the words right, but you have NO IDEA what the flip any of it means or what you're actually saying. Its -technically- correct, but awkward. So instead I tried to focus on the basic social "rules" while mostly inquiring about the other person and letting them do most of the talking at first (I'm an anxious babbler/oversharer, so this helped me control that a little more). 2. Find the right community. When in my early 20s I felt extremely lost and had little sense of identity. I struggled through a number of corporate positions that destroyed my confidence and made me feel like such an outcast. I "gave up," in a way, and totally by coincidence stumbled into fine dining. This made everything click -- there are strict rules you adhere to in fine dining, and a predetermined social etiquette that I found very easy to understand and follow. Plus, the hospitality industry is FULL of neurodivergent folks, and I have never felt so understood or accepted by the majority of my peers before. 3. Lean in to your differences. I've always been obsessively fascinated by history, particularly in the context of how sociopolitical trauma affects people, cultures and lifestyles. I now work in wine, as I mentioned, but I didn't find any of the conventional specializations interesting (IE -- wine is such a massive industry with so many different facets and regions that most experts will select a particular region or varietal and specialize in that). So instead I made up my own specialization -- something I call "post-oppression wine regions." Broadly, this means that I typically cover politically or socially turbulent regions that have a longstanding history of war, genocide, political conquest (think Ottoman Empire, Soviet Union, the Safavieh (Persian) Empire, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, North and South Africa). Everyone thinks this is really strange at first, but it gives me a setting in which I'm not just allowed to, but also am expected to, totally nerd out and overshare about my favorite stories from history, and explain how they determined and shaped the wine in my guests' glasses today. Passion is infectious, and leaning in to my excitement about my passion in turn gets other people excited about what they're about to drink. In the end, most tables find it charming and impressive rather than "weird and intense" or TMI. Being accepted and embraced for my differences helped me gain the confidence to walk away from the awkward tables with a laugh and a shake of the head and me just being affably awkward instead of angry-awkward. What most people won't tell you is that its your differences and awkwardness, if embraced, acknowledged or learned into, can actually humanize you. No one wants to talk to a "perfect" person. Autism IS a spectrum, and many people possess many traits or insecurities or "weird" idiosyncrasies that they're afraid people will reject them for. By stumbling over your words, talking a little too long or loud, etc, and being able to laugh about it and just trying again (I will literally laugh and start over mid-sentence) typically is relatable and endearing. Hopefully that was maybe a little relevant or helpful!
I feel my face get hot, but if i ask if im blushing people tell me no, and i also get very sweaty lol I recently realised that my mindset is "Its easier to think im dumb, fat, and ugly, and people tell me im not, than it is to say im smart, fit, and pretty, just to be told im not. The latter hurts more than the former." However, knowing myself and my identity helps eliminate those things lately. Like that im pretty because everyone is in their own way, and i dont get to chose for other people if im pretty or not. That im not as fit as id like to be, and thats okay, i can work on that for myself. I dont care if im smart, or dumb, im always learning and people can think whatever they want about me ❤
@@ladybaabaa3294 thank you, it's helped a lot to compartmentalize the anxiety, but sadly the physical response of my body is still outside of my control and it's so frustrating... So if I'm talking to someone and feel anxious, I just openly telling people I'm nervous, or anxious, in a very nonchalant manner, and show them my shaky hands, and laugh it off, hope that helps also, its been helping me a lot ❤
I was recently disassociating in a BPD group setting session and I told them this to be aware and my speech wasn’t clear, and I talked a bit too much and one of the girls started yawning and closing her eyes in front of me which made me feel like an imposter and awkward.
I remember the moment i told my Mum that my brother had sexually assaulted me when i was 2. I was 21 and in the mother and baby unit on an acute psychiatric ward after giving birth to my first child. We were given a room to ourselves and i managed to finally vocalise what had happened all those years ago. She said nothing.
@jenandr48. Hello dear, I saw your pretty face so unique I can't skip your profile without sending you a message...... I will be glad to hear from you soon!
I have BPD too. (internalized? passive?) Im the older sibling and since Im 7 i drag my lil sis around and handle the situations for her and myself. (and now an adult since a looong time) I speak really "freely" and have no problems approaching people and appear extremely relaxed, casual and confident but Im not at all. Especially in Family situations i talk like a waterfall (like we say here) but that's just to make sure no dangerous silence comes up. My most social awkwardness problems are the hardcore paranoia and constant reading things (probably) worse than they are. With this its hard to get help really, cuz people dont really believe I'd have any problems. unless i break down infront of their eyes. Which to be fair happens quite frequently
That sounds difficult to maneuver, feeling a certain way inside and others view the situation differently. I can relate to worrying someone won't believe how I feel because I'm not acting the "right way." And yeah, awkward silence... maybe it feels awkward but it's just silence? Not fun to experience. I just though of something, maybe you're willing to try with me? Next time either of us sense an awkward silence, before saying anything to fill it, we'll both take a slow deep breath. I'm sure it'll feel like forever and really uncomfortable (that's kind of the point). I was taught about exposure therapy years ago and I don't always put it into practice. I'm going to try it and welcome you do so as well. Hugs.
Have you ever had a client with bpd that also has servely deficient autobiographical memory? I can barely remember high school and really not much before that. And sporadic things since. I pretty I know around when and what the trauma was but I can't really remember details to deal with. I know stuff and it still drives me today but I don't know how to get rid of something I can't directly deal with. If that makes sense.
I actually can't even remember what I did or said, or what happened during social events! I go into funny, chatty, friendly and slightly hyper comedian mode, and then when it's over I have no idea what happened. lol
Thanks for posting videos like this. No wonder why I am exhausted from working a new job. Constantly wondering what they are saying behind my back. It is exhausting to be in my mind
How do you determine if your social awkwardness isn't actually related to something else? Like undiagnosed ASD, or having an anxiety disorder, etc. I understand that this information and the skills associated with it will likely be helpful across multiple mental health backgrounds, but at the same time, just because the type of awkwardness might be overlapping with with how another disorder might present the same awkwardness, the cause or solution to that may not be the same. For myself, I was recently diagnosed with BPD and have been waiting for a neuropsychology consult to get approved and an appointment set up to check for ASD. I've also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder / Major depressive disorder in the past, as well as ADHD. I'm a real cocktail mix of mental health problems. But I would imagine the cause and solution to a given awkwardness that a person has, will be different based on where its origin is. Am I wrong in thinking this?
They are probably giving you a broad spectrum diagnosis so that nothing is ruled out, because BPD has overlap with a lot of things. At the end of all the evaluations you'll know more, I say trust the providers to diagnose you and don't try to figure out the diagnosis yourself. Instead focus on your symptoms, where they come from, the emotions, thoughts, and behaviors ❤ Hope it all goes well and you can figure it out soon so you can work on whatever you want to, to feel better 😊 best of lucky okay 🎉
Great video, I relate to so much of what you said and what others have said in the comments. I actually made my handle with the idea to embrace my awkwardness, although when the BPD lens is wreaking havoc my awkwardness becomes a detriment and I feel like I stick out. I also feel like I'm "too much" and annoying. I do want to say some of my embarrassing snd awkward moments in life are funny later. I've noticed some comedians' acts are about the stupid, silly, strange, etc situations they've gotten themselves into, and it's hilarious. I do see life as a movie at times and if I do something weird (and I'm in a good headspace) I'll play a tiny scene in my head on how to make that funny onscreen (that's probably weird in and of itself haha). I also want to mention the "let them" theory. It's something I heard from Mel Robbins. The idea is we can't control others, and if for example a group of friends go out and don't invite you, let them. If a relative doesn't want to come to a family gathering, let them. Don't throw a lot of time and energy trying to change someone's decisions. Letting them will show people's true selves, which can be beneficial when evaluating the relationships in your life. Thanks again! I've learned a lot from you, Dr. Fox!
Hi! I"ve seen a lot of your videos and have read your books, wich really helped me. I'm really interested in the material "The BPD card deck", but it's to expansive shiping to my country. I really wanted to ask you to create a PDF version of the cards, so I could buy and use it in my treatment. Thanks < 3
I can guarantee that even if you are socially awkward, there are people who will probably _love_ that and be very attracted to it. I was seeing someone who was incredibly shy and introverted, but gorgeous and charming, and her physical clumsiness made her one hundred times more endearing and likeable. But there was absolutely nothing I could say at the time (or knew how to say) that would convince her that she was anything but socially awkward and annoying to have around.
I would love to get your advice. I have BPD and my family member also has BPD. We are both socially awkward but in opposite ways and it causes us to trigger each other. She can be quite sharp tongued and unfiltered, she often loudly points out other people's flaws. I am very quiet and anxious and try to blend in as much as I can. Her comments make me insecure, and my quietness makes her insecure. I'd love to know how to navigate this so we can have a better relationship.
Good insight. For a few years I looked at my social anxiety as my main issue to deal with. I’ve been learning that it really is a symptom of deeper issues. Fear of abandonment and rejection. What is it in my past that cultivated these feelings of inadequacy. My social anxiety is sort of my 2nd issue to deal with once I get my emptiness feelings better managed.
number 8 is why i have such a hard time and have to recover after social interactions and i feel dives a lot of my avodence i deal with a lot of these just cuz i also deal with panic disorder but 8 is at the top before musle tenceing .... i just go with the flow but after i dread and almost resent having to do it agen (when its people i don't already feel safe and accepted around) really really really hard add being sick with ms and i tend to just want to be super alone .... but during the time I'm around people i don't know how they feel about me truly i don't feel like I'm myself (though i really am its just more ampt )..... ugh its so hard
Number 8 is a problem for me too. I am SO self-conscious but I also put up a facade or put on a mask of being friendly, chatty and funny. And yet, at the same time, I reject others' opinions of me if they don't know me very well. How can someone form an accurate perception of who I am if they don't even know me? So I'll act how I like, say what I want and not care what people I don't value think about it. Which makes it easier to deal with feeling awkward and inferior. If I am defiant and pretend not to care.
i was like that alot when i was younger in my party phase of life lol well slefdistructive phase lol i still carry some triats of that as my therist did a narssasistc spectrum test on me and thou I'm not on the spectrum i am self assured lol why its hard to care to pushto make and keep new friends if i feel they are not my type of people or as i say they don't give off fp vibes or really i know they will accept me ill just slip into my own space lol but since i gave up partying its been harder to find connections with most people i meet cause like you say il be bubbly and happy and chatty even if i don't want to be just cuz i need to chat (exterovet ) but i don't feel the connection ..... hopfullu this new move will land me in a place with people I'm more able to connect with and don't trigger my self assured brain about who they are lol @@ladybaabaa3294
When you say it is like a bad tattoo, and tattoos can be removed. Yup. If you have lits of money and access to the correct type of professional... In both cases!
I always just think about how concerned I am about my own presentation that I don’t notice what someone else is doing or wearing or whatever…. Then I say, when they go home they probably ruminate on their own actions and couldn’t give a crap about my weirdness. Helps me sleep at night lol.
I'm late to the party with this video, but I really appreciate this one! How would you recommend finding the balance between embracing your awkwardness vs not falling into negative or defeatist self-talk? I know some of my social anxiety springs from being neurodivergent. Unconsciously, I found a lot of friends who are also neurodivergent, so I feel very lucky to have close relationships with people who understand what's up, value the things people often found annoying or awkward as I was growing up, and can connect with me without expecting me to fundamentally change how my brain works. But I still have trouble navigating relationships (especially professional relationships) outside of those friendships, and I think it's difficult for me to feel like on some level I will never understand the "rules" some of the world lives by, and I can't quite replicate what they're doing when I try. It can be frustrating.
Doctor Foxx if you're ever in Columbus Ohio could you come visit me I would come see you but I can't drive my Ms has made my vision really bad but I really want to meet you
@@DrDanielFox thank you because your responded that just made my day I've had a pretty rough couple months I can even see you not 365 days but this year in general but thank you for making me feel good for responding
small talk and those questions are amazing ! BUT most people dont wanna tell you about their hero. They want to say that the sun is nice and they had a good day and they feel good and if you ask more specifrically they wrinkle their nose.. It is not that there is no interest in the other person. It's that these standard slow phrases are so boring and not enjoyable. And it feels like most people love this kind of phatic talk. Thats the point I think.
I wish I could pm or talk to someone who really understands! I’m on the verge of breaking and really bad things will happen if I do! I’m trying so hard but life feels worthless to me anymore I don’t want to live anymore and I have a wife and kids! When people I love die I don’t care when others die I don’t care there is no emotion anymore and I’m eroding slowly eventually the end will come and I can’t kill myself so what do you think will happen? I have a few good ideas of what will happen! Sorry I know this isn’t video based but I’m in a critical spot right now! I’m on the edge and if I fall bad things will happen!
No that's not true at all. She sounds really ignorant. Bpd is so broad and different in everyone, loads of people get to a point where they can work full time. I work full time and I'm no where near considered better yet. Don't let anyone tell you you can never do something. Especially ignorant people. I'd think about getting a different case worker if i were you.
Definitely not true. BPD is on a spectrum. There are doctors, lawyers, therapists etc. with BPD. There's lower functioning pwBPD and higher functioning.
Every time there is a shirt noise a wife is very forgiving but unfortunately she takes a noise and bulls that are proportions by questions like is anybody knocking it's like you're criticized for being human! 😠
When will you people in the mental health profession ever get it that nothing can make a person feel more like a misfit than having a label put on them?!
Two small things that have helped me function in spite of social awkwardness are. 1) no one is nearly as concerned with what I say or do as I worry they will be, and 2) if you can choose to say/do anything, choose to be kind. When someone is kind, that is what we stands out about them, not any awkwardness.
Thank you so much for sharing your strategies!
This is so true and wise. ❤
Absolutely. People eager to pick at your every quirk are only doing so out of diversion to their own that they're not comfortable with. It has nothing to do with you. It's not personal. We turn it personal. We can equally choose not to. People who are comfortable with themselves will be comfortable with you. Try it. Observe happy healthy people then copy it for a while. It's amazing.
Holy cow 😮. I’ve been using that metaphor forever “I’m a square try to fit in a circle.” Couldn’t believe it when you described how I feel exactly. That is very helpful to feel like not the only square out there lol
I’m so glad you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best.
I feel like a bother to people, I just want to shut down. I feel so unfulfilled. I feel so much but yet I don't know what I am feeling or how to feel sometimes. I feel like people can see right through me, or I feel like I can see right through the game that their playing. I feel like an outsider and a fraud. I have really, really good days then the smallest things just snap me back into BPD "reality". I am starting treatment, I know it's what I need, but I'm scared and I don't know how to approach it. I feel like I am going to seem too difficult for people and they may think I am treatment resistant. How can you feel so empty and yet feel so overwhelmed!
Thank you for that.
What you so eloquently wrote was like a verbatim confession from my own mind, but you wrote it in a FAR better flow than I could’ve- it was brief, but very impactful- highly intellectual, but simultaneously very easy to comprehend.
Very nice composition, BPD brother/sister!
LOVE it!! ❤❤
I love that you call people "folks", it sounds much more friendly.
I never realised the connection between BPD and the pervasive feeling of social awkwardness!! This gives me hope that by working on my BPD symptoms I could aliviate the stress I feel in social settings. Such a simple idea, but it feels huge. Thank you so much Dr. Fox ❤ and greetings from Finland 🇫🇮
Paused it thrice, rolled on with my panic attack..threw in some soothing mechanisms and here i am the fourth time! Finally completed the video!
#Proud❤
oh I'm sorry you were having trouble, and like you said you did it! Way to go! You should be proud. 😁
@@awkwardemily15 thanks for replying, means a lot
@@LurkingLinnetYou're welcome. It just dawned on me what my handle is haha (it's because I was trying to own my awkwardness at one point). and then I saw yours and it seemed fitting in a way with the video (in my brain at least). Made me smile.
@@awkwardemily15 yupp nice observation.. Now that you've seen it and you made me see it, I can't unsee it😂🌸"nOice~"
@@LurkingLinnet Ummmmm. sorry? and you're welcome? 😅 look, I'm being awkward all over the place.
I more so fear awkward situations and friendships and letting people see the real me that I just isolate instead and I’m so incredibly lonely
Mee too. I can't help myself from picturing their faces in the moment I were to say the wrong thing
I’m so glad to know I’m not the only person who experiences these feelings. Thanks for another great video, Dr. Fox.
The feeling of being socially awkward is so internalised that my confidence is fully dependent on people I validate (the idealised group of people).......... There is another group of people, my brain completely devalues.... Black and white thinking- best people and worst people....
I feel like a superficial selfish person who is always victimising herself.... But I can't help it... I identify the symptoms, but insight is just not enough to change it for the better...
Added: Depression is making it worse and more complicated...
Thank you Dr Fox ...!! Your videos really help and support .. they help me understand things systematically and pick one thing at a time and try to work on it... love from India 🙏🌺
my partner tells me all the time ask don't speculate ....... that's so hard with anxiety and bpd
I love your videos, recently diagnosed with bpd and all your videos are so helpful thank you for taking the time to make these.
You are so welcome!
Pls make a video on "BPD:Handling my 2 selves" I'm talking about the splitting behavior that makes me wanna cut. It's the ultimate opposite of kindness, goodness. I'm a completely different person a different personality. I have to tame that side. I'm a petualant. That's the side that encourages me to be bitter.
@@EllieBearHasACat Thank you, this is very relatable ...Means a lot
@@EllieBearHasACatYes to most of it. 🙋🏻♀️
@@EllieBearHasACat he has a video about the dark side of bpd, and several other videos about identity and who am I.. I know it's hard, but those negative traits that feel so You when you're in that space, are not you. That's the disorder.
@@EllieBearHasACatI don't think it's borderline related. BPD person is rather unintentionally destructive. Uncalculated aggression and definitely not sadism. I would say it has nothing to do with BPD
@@karolinanie5946 yeah, people making it out like BPD is intentionally maladaptive is NOT helping 😔
Thank you 🤍🤍🤍🤍🤍
Thank you for this...this is 100% me
I'm so glad i found your channel, after my BPD diagnosis 4 years ago I've finally come around to accepting it. Your channel and videos are helping me greatly to move forward and deal with life accordingly. Thanks so much!
I can’t really put words together especially when I’m talking in a group. My mind goes blank and now when I try to speak at work I get disregarded. Im not coherent and it’s getting worse.
Same here. I can think of what I need to say to effectively and meaningfully communicate to another a response or conversation starter that would be effective, well spoken, considerate of their feelings, and will explain well any “edges” that may come from my expression of the feelings that come with those words- with those “edges” being smoothed out by my further elaboration of why I described the first part in a way that could be perceived as crude or insensitive- intentionally to properly convey the intensity of something they did or said, that hurt me- and had to be worded in a way that is clear and blunt so they get the point, followed with why I had to word it that way, and disarm them in summary.
What comes out, though- no matter how well I plan to tackle the verbal discussion- will start off well, and slowly mutate into a clumsy clusterfuck of words and expressions coming out in the wrong order, losing words in my short term memory, followed by awkward pauses, and replacing the words that had IMPACT and the CORRECT power, with vague and simple synonyms, that hardly even belong in the topic, or the sentence.
Throw in some bee- lining of digression and falling completely off topic into a hellscape of irrelevance- and it so often leaves me feeling a dullard who exhibits early signs of dementia.
What a frigged up existence.
What I wouldn’t GIVE to be able to manifest outwardly to the world, what my brain can so flawlessly and effectively compose- only to have those compositions fall right off into a bottomless abyss in the most painful of ways- a couple of millimeters before all of it crosses that threshold of where they jump that microscopic gap where my neurological system ends, and the open atmosphere right beyond my lips begins.
😆🤦🤷♂️🤡🤡🤡
Great video, loved how you highlighted the social awkwardness in relationships component. I think a lot of people really struggle with shame in that area even after they've beaten some of the other things you raised. It can be tough.
The reason for social anxiety pretty much boils down to how people treat you. You subconciously notice peoples subtle facial expressions, body language and their tone of voice when they talk to you and if its positive youll be mentally healthy but if its negative youll develop social anxiety and depression. If you're a dude who is short and goofy looking you know what im talking about ;)
Interesting, I haven't thought of it like that before. And as I've learned from Dr. Fox and others - BPD can make something seem bad when really it's neutral. Put those two together, geez no wonder I'm socially anxious and awkward! 😳🤪😊
@@awkwardemily15 psychiatrists often hyperfocus on the few times you're wrong about a social situation and be like "see? you have bpd" or "see you're paranoid". The sad reality is that you look a certain way people will react to you different. The proof is right in front of everyones noses. Not to mention the fact that the vast majority of people with mental illnesses are on the red side of the looks spectrum. In mental institusjons how many good looking people will you see there? Probably not many
It's really nice seeing this topic covered I struggle with this a lot
I’m glad you found this videos helpful. Be well.
Thank you again for another enlightening video.
Do you have any advice for how people on the autism spectrum can reduce our social awkwardness? We are often treated like we don't fit in because, well, we're socially awkward and we don't fit in. That doesn't mean we don't want to fit in, but it's hard to be accepted as your authentic self in a neurotypical society. Is there something other than masking that we can do to generate more positive outcomes in social interactions?
In my experience its all about practice and trial and error :) I'd love to share some of the best bits of advice that I think helped me bridge the social/socially awkward gap that I always struggled with. I'm in my 30's and work a socially taxing job in hospitality. I'm a server/sommelier and wine educator, and even though I still walk away from a lot of these interactions literally saying "oh my god WHY am I SO AWKWARD," but now its in a way that I can laugh about rather than being totally devastated.
Full disclosure, I'm still in the process of getting accurate diagnoses for the mental and developmental health issues I have (after one experience where a pediatric psychologist told her that I likely have more than just ADHD, she refused to get me tested or pursue treatment options for them as she told me that having these diagnoses would "ruin my life forever" and that "I would never be able to be able to live a normal life." Thanks, mom.... 🙄). I had an extremely difficult time fitting in for most of my life, so this advice might differ contextually from the experience of others.
OK SO THE TIPS!
1. Practice helps!
Becoming socially adept, for me, did involve a lot of observation and copying the behaviors of others, and at first this absolutely made me MORE awkward because it probably was clear that it was inauthentic. Like when you read Shakespeare out and youre saying all the words right, but you have NO IDEA what the flip any of it means or what you're actually saying. Its -technically- correct, but awkward. So instead I tried to focus on the basic social "rules" while mostly inquiring about the other person and letting them do most of the talking at first (I'm an anxious babbler/oversharer, so this helped me control that a little more).
2. Find the right community.
When in my early 20s I felt extremely lost and had little sense of identity. I struggled through a number of corporate positions that destroyed my confidence and made me feel like such an outcast. I "gave up," in a way, and totally by coincidence stumbled into fine dining. This made everything click -- there are strict rules you adhere to in fine dining, and a predetermined social etiquette that I found very easy to understand and follow. Plus, the hospitality industry is FULL of neurodivergent folks, and I have never felt so understood or accepted by the majority of my peers before.
3. Lean in to your differences.
I've always been obsessively fascinated by history, particularly in the context of how sociopolitical trauma affects people, cultures and lifestyles. I now work in wine, as I mentioned, but I didn't find any of the conventional specializations interesting (IE -- wine is such a massive industry with so many different facets and regions that most experts will select a particular region or varietal and specialize in that).
So instead I made up my own specialization -- something I call "post-oppression wine regions."
Broadly, this means that I typically cover politically or socially turbulent regions that have a longstanding history of war, genocide, political conquest (think Ottoman Empire, Soviet Union, the Safavieh (Persian) Empire, the Austro-Hungarian Empire, North and South Africa). Everyone thinks this is really strange at first, but it gives me a setting in which I'm not just allowed to, but also am expected to, totally nerd out and overshare about my favorite stories from history, and explain how they determined and shaped the wine in my guests' glasses today. Passion is infectious, and leaning in to my excitement about my passion in turn gets other people excited about what they're about to drink. In the end, most tables find it charming and impressive rather than "weird and intense" or TMI.
Being accepted and embraced for my differences helped me gain the confidence to walk away from the awkward tables with a laugh and a shake of the head and me just being affably awkward instead of angry-awkward. What most people won't tell you is that its your differences and awkwardness, if embraced, acknowledged or learned into, can actually humanize you. No one wants to talk to a "perfect" person. Autism IS a spectrum, and many people possess many traits or insecurities or "weird" idiosyncrasies that they're afraid people will reject them for. By stumbling over your words, talking a little too long or loud, etc, and being able to laugh about it and just trying again (I will literally laugh and start over mid-sentence) typically is relatable and endearing.
Hopefully that was maybe a little relevant or helpful!
Happy to start my listening as someone whose struggling with bpd and bipolar episode
I feel my face get hot, but if i ask if im blushing people tell me no, and i also get very sweaty lol I recently realised that my mindset is "Its easier to think im dumb, fat, and ugly, and people tell me im not, than it is to say im smart, fit, and pretty, just to be told im not. The latter hurts more than the former." However, knowing myself and my identity helps eliminate those things lately. Like that im pretty because everyone is in their own way, and i dont get to chose for other people if im pretty or not. That im not as fit as id like to be, and thats okay, i can work on that for myself. I dont care if im smart, or dumb, im always learning and people can think whatever they want about me ❤
I LOVE this!!!! ❤
@@ladybaabaa3294 thank you, it's helped a lot to compartmentalize the anxiety, but sadly the physical response of my body is still outside of my control and it's so frustrating... So if I'm talking to someone and feel anxious, I just openly telling people I'm nervous, or anxious, in a very nonchalant manner, and show them my shaky hands, and laugh it off, hope that helps also, its been helping me a lot ❤
I was recently disassociating in a BPD group setting session and I told them this to be aware and my speech wasn’t clear, and I talked a bit too much and one of the girls started yawning and closing her eyes in front of me which made me feel like an imposter and awkward.
I remember the moment i told my Mum that my brother had sexually assaulted me when i was 2.
I was 21 and in the mother and baby unit on an acute psychiatric ward after giving birth to my first child.
We were given a room to ourselves and i managed to finally vocalise what had happened all those years ago.
She said nothing.
This is SO helpful. Thanks!
@jenandr48.
Hello dear, I saw your pretty face so unique I can't skip your profile without sending you a message...... I will be glad to hear from you soon!
That was really good Daniel! Thanks! 😊👍
I have BPD too. (internalized? passive?) Im the older sibling and since Im 7 i drag my lil sis around and handle the situations for her and myself. (and now an adult since a looong time)
I speak really "freely" and have no problems approaching people and appear extremely relaxed, casual and confident but Im not at all.
Especially in Family situations i talk like a waterfall (like we say here) but that's just to make sure no dangerous silence comes up.
My most social awkwardness problems are the hardcore paranoia and constant reading things (probably) worse than they are.
With this its hard to get help really, cuz people dont really believe I'd have any problems. unless i break down infront of their eyes. Which to be fair happens quite frequently
That sounds difficult to maneuver, feeling a certain way inside and others view the situation differently. I can relate to worrying someone won't believe how I feel because I'm not acting the "right way." And yeah, awkward silence... maybe it feels awkward but it's just silence? Not fun to experience.
I just though of something, maybe you're willing to try with me? Next time either of us sense an awkward silence, before saying anything to fill it, we'll both take a slow deep breath. I'm sure it'll feel like forever and really uncomfortable (that's kind of the point). I was taught about exposure therapy years ago and I don't always put it into practice. I'm going to try it and welcome you do so as well.
Hugs.
Have you ever had a client with bpd that also has servely deficient autobiographical memory? I can barely remember high school and really not much before that. And sporadic things since. I pretty I know around when and what the trauma was but I can't really remember details to deal with. I know stuff and it still drives me today but I don't know how to get rid of something I can't directly deal with. If that makes sense.
This was amazing. Thank you so much!
After i do something social i cant sleep cause im thinking about it.
I actually can't even remember what I did or said, or what happened during social events! I go into funny, chatty, friendly and slightly hyper comedian mode, and then when it's over I have no idea what happened. lol
@@ladybaabaa3294literally what made u say this
Thanks for posting videos like this. No wonder why I am exhausted from working a new job. Constantly wondering what they are saying behind my back. It is exhausting to be in my mind
How do you determine if your social awkwardness isn't actually related to something else? Like undiagnosed ASD, or having an anxiety disorder, etc.
I understand that this information and the skills associated with it will likely be helpful across multiple mental health backgrounds, but at the same time, just because the type of awkwardness might be overlapping with with how another disorder might present the same awkwardness, the cause or solution to that may not be the same.
For myself, I was recently diagnosed with BPD and have been waiting for a neuropsychology consult to get approved and an appointment set up to check for ASD. I've also been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder / Major depressive disorder in the past, as well as ADHD. I'm a real cocktail mix of mental health problems. But I would imagine the cause and solution to a given awkwardness that a person has, will be different based on where its origin is.
Am I wrong in thinking this?
ADHD is another condition that may cause ppl to have social awkwardness. Very common.
They are probably giving you a broad spectrum diagnosis so that nothing is ruled out, because BPD has overlap with a lot of things. At the end of all the evaluations you'll know more, I say trust the providers to diagnose you and don't try to figure out the diagnosis yourself. Instead focus on your symptoms, where they come from, the emotions, thoughts, and behaviors ❤ Hope it all goes well and you can figure it out soon so you can work on whatever you want to, to feel better 😊 best of lucky okay 🎉
Great video!
Your videos are amazing😭😭😭😭😭🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺Thank you so much for this!
You're so welcome!
Great video, I relate to so much of what you said and what others have said in the comments. I actually made my handle with the idea to embrace my awkwardness, although when the BPD lens is wreaking havoc my awkwardness becomes a detriment and I feel like I stick out. I also feel like I'm "too much" and annoying.
I do want to say some of my embarrassing snd awkward moments in life are funny later. I've noticed some comedians' acts are about the stupid, silly, strange, etc situations they've gotten themselves into, and it's hilarious.
I do see life as a movie at times and if I do something weird (and I'm in a good headspace) I'll play a tiny scene in my head on how to make that funny onscreen (that's probably weird in and of itself haha).
I also want to mention the "let them" theory. It's something I heard from Mel Robbins. The idea is we can't control others, and if for example a group of friends go out and don't invite you, let them. If a relative doesn't want to come to a family gathering, let them. Don't throw a lot of time and energy trying to change someone's decisions. Letting them will show people's true selves, which can be beneficial when evaluating the relationships in your life.
Thanks again! I've learned a lot from you, Dr. Fox!
Hi! I"ve seen a lot of your videos and have read your books, wich really helped me. I'm really interested in the material "The BPD card deck", but it's to expansive shiping to my country. I really wanted to ask you to create a PDF version of the cards, so I could buy and use it in my treatment. Thanks < 3
I thought there was a digital copy. Check Amazon.
I can guarantee that even if you are socially awkward, there are people who will probably _love_ that and be very attracted to it. I was seeing someone who was incredibly shy and introverted, but gorgeous and charming, and her physical clumsiness made her one hundred times more endearing and likeable. But there was absolutely nothing I could say at the time (or knew how to say) that would convince her that she was anything but socially awkward and annoying to have around.
Like this video alot.
so glad you found the video helpful and I wish you all the best.
You’ve helped me so much :))
I would love to get your advice. I have BPD and my family member also has BPD. We are both socially awkward but in opposite ways and it causes us to trigger each other. She can be quite sharp tongued and unfiltered, she often loudly points out other people's flaws. I am very quiet and anxious and try to blend in as much as I can.
Her comments make me insecure, and my quietness makes her insecure. I'd love to know how to navigate this so we can have a better relationship.
Good insight. For a few years I looked at my social anxiety as my main issue to deal with. I’ve been learning that it really is a symptom of deeper issues. Fear of abandonment and rejection. What is it in my past that cultivated these feelings of inadequacy. My social anxiety is sort of my 2nd issue to deal with once I get my emptiness feelings better managed.
On the money Fox .. ty
Thanks and you’re very welcome.
number 8 is why i have such a hard time and have to recover after social interactions and i feel dives a lot of my avodence i deal with a lot of these just cuz i also deal with panic disorder but 8 is at the top before musle tenceing .... i just go with the flow but after i dread and almost resent having to do it agen (when its people i don't already feel safe and accepted around) really really really hard add being sick with ms and i tend to just want to be super alone .... but during the time I'm around people i don't know how they feel about me truly i don't feel like I'm myself (though i really am its just more ampt )..... ugh its so hard
Number 8 is a problem for me too. I am SO self-conscious but I also put up a facade or put on a mask of being friendly, chatty and funny.
And yet, at the same time, I reject others' opinions of me if they don't know me very well. How can someone form an accurate perception of who I am if they don't even know me? So I'll act how I like, say what I want and not care what people I don't value think about it. Which makes it easier to deal with feeling awkward and inferior. If I am defiant and pretend not to care.
i was like that alot when i was younger in my party phase of life lol well slefdistructive phase lol i still carry some triats of that as my therist did a narssasistc spectrum test on me and thou I'm not on the spectrum i am self assured lol why its hard to care to pushto make and keep new friends if i feel they are not my type of people or as i say they don't give off fp vibes or really i know they will accept me ill just slip into my own space lol but since i gave up partying its been harder to find connections with most people i meet cause like you say il be bubbly and happy and chatty even if i don't want to be just cuz i need to chat (exterovet ) but i don't feel the connection ..... hopfullu this new move will land me in a place with people I'm more able to connect with and don't trigger my self assured brain about who they are lol
@@ladybaabaa3294
Thank you ❤
thank you Dr
I'm an infj 😮I have bpd and other stuff
Me too ,so what...Is that bad, I missed something ?😂
When you say it is like a bad tattoo, and tattoos can be removed. Yup. If you have lits of money and access to the correct type of professional... In both cases!
Needed lol
I always just think about how concerned I am about my own presentation that I don’t notice what someone else is doing or wearing or whatever…. Then I say, when they go home they probably ruminate on their own actions and couldn’t give a crap about my weirdness. Helps me sleep at night lol.
I'm late to the party with this video, but I really appreciate this one! How would you recommend finding the balance between embracing your awkwardness vs not falling into negative or defeatist self-talk?
I know some of my social anxiety springs from being neurodivergent. Unconsciously, I found a lot of friends who are also neurodivergent, so I feel very lucky to have close relationships with people who understand what's up, value the things people often found annoying or awkward as I was growing up, and can connect with me without expecting me to fundamentally change how my brain works. But I still have trouble navigating relationships (especially professional relationships) outside of those friendships, and I think it's difficult for me to feel like on some level I will never understand the "rules" some of the world lives by, and I can't quite replicate what they're doing when I try. It can be frustrating.
So glad it was helpful.
Do you think undiagnosed ADHD in a child can lead to BPD in an adolescent / young adults?
Doctor Foxx if you're ever in Columbus Ohio could you come visit me I would come see you but I can't drive my Ms has made my vision really bad but I really want to meet you
I appreciate your support and kind invitation. I'll keep Columbus, Ohio in mind for future travels.
@@DrDanielFox thank you because your responded that just made my day I've had a pretty rough couple months I can even see you not 365 days but this year in general but thank you for making me feel good for responding
small talk and those questions are amazing ! BUT most people dont wanna tell you about their hero. They want to say that the sun is nice and they had a good day and they feel good and if you ask more specifrically they wrinkle their nose.. It is not that there is no interest in the other person. It's that these standard slow phrases are so boring and not enjoyable. And it feels like most people love this kind of phatic talk. Thats the point I think.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on small talk! It's always refreshing to hear different perspectives.
Just commentin' for the algorithm. 🐚🐚
Is it BPD or Autism or both? Is there a high correlation?
I wish I could pm or talk to someone who really understands! I’m on the verge of breaking and really bad things will happen if I do! I’m trying so hard but life feels worthless to me anymore I don’t want to live anymore and I have a wife and kids! When people I love die I don’t care when others die I don’t care there is no emotion anymore and I’m eroding slowly eventually the end will come and I can’t kill myself so what do you think will happen? I have a few good ideas of what will happen! Sorry I know this isn’t video based but I’m in a critical spot right now! I’m on the edge and if I fall bad things will happen!
A case worker told me that people with BPD can never work full time again. She said it's impossible no matter how much treatment, is it true?
No that's not true at all. She sounds really ignorant. Bpd is so broad and different in everyone, loads of people get to a point where they can work full time. I work full time and I'm no where near considered better yet. Don't let anyone tell you you can never do something. Especially ignorant people. I'd think about getting a different case worker if i were you.
Definitely not true. BPD is on a spectrum. There are doctors, lawyers, therapists etc. with BPD. There's lower functioning pwBPD and higher functioning.
So sad the “family in the head” is negative
Every time there is a shirt noise a wife is very forgiving but unfortunately she takes a noise and bulls that are proportions by questions like is anybody knocking it's like you're criticized for being human! 😠
When will you people in the mental health profession ever get it that nothing can make a person feel more like a misfit than having a label put on them?!
Diagnose is for treatment. Society at large misuses it for self definition.
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Thanks
You sure posted this at the perfect time. I really needed this! 🤸♀️🫂
Glad it was helpful!