Your channel has been so helpful I'm 74 years old after many years of therapy and medication I finally discovered narricism and the family scapegoat after the discovery and much mourning I am coming out the other side I have cut them ALL out of my life and I'm okay with it, I have diagnosed with PTSD but now I'm managing it, I don't smoke drink or do drugs I have been feeling the pain and dealing with it, it has not been easy but I have gone from victim to victor
Hello Janice I have cut my family out also family scapegoat, The self help is videos ect people do not understand unless they have lived the nightmare. Good bless . I'm only asking for 5 good yrs before l die..
After a break from the family, things might be different... I moved 500 miles away from my family at age 18 and never looked back. Currently not speaking to my brother at all as he was abusive and to this day continues to root against me, in all ways, at all times... Allow the members of the family to be individuals. Give it a year or two and then be open to the possibility of trying again, one family member at a time... Remember that it takes two to tango, you won't continue to be a victim if you don't allow yourself to be victimized... It often takes a period of adjustment.... You can't go from awful to awesome all at once... But as the tables have now turned and the power is in your hands, be open to the idea that the future is not always the same as the past. Do whatever you want but I guess I'm saying- don't let a 2024 decision control you in 2025, 2026, 2027. Make the decision fresh each day, and if you decide again and again and again and again that you don't want to see your family, then don't see your family.
I love DBT. I was very resistant for a long time and felt like DBT is a punishment for people that cannot control themselves (certainly not me). If I go to DBT that's like throwing my last bit of pride out the window and accepting that I am a failure as a human being (my internal dialogue.) What I've actually found in reality is that DBT is seriously the best thing ever. It feels like something that will actually help me protect my self worth rather than rub my nose in my failures and exclude me from society. It's something that builds you up and gives you the tools you may have missed out on. I am in a group with people that I can relate to and the instructor feels like someone who understands that people with big emotions have particular struggles and I am not judged. I love DBT. Please try it if you haven't.
@@katieg7679 I would sure go to a group for DBT, but everything here is online and after trying it that way found it didn’t work for me. Too difficult with only a phone and no PC.
I developed personal insight when i learned to step into the neutral observer viewpoint. Instead of seeing from my pov under the tsunami and getting pummeled, i asked myself how i looked to outsiders that were watching me react to the tsunami. Then i stopped only seeing my own pov where i felt my behaviors were justified because obviously i was flailing in the ultimate desperation and misery of an emotional tsunami. I finally realized nobody else understood or saw my extreme reactions as understandable. Instead, they looked at me like an unhinged madwoman that they would remember to steer clear from. I felt an entire lifetime of humiliation after that realization.
I understand exactly where you're coming from. I am just now at 52 years old after a 2 year period of turmoil realizing who I am and now I have treated people my entire life. I wondered for years what was wrong with me what made me different why did people want to steer clear of me. And now I just feel devastated and confused as to why I didn't see this so long ago. I just have to realize I still have many years ahead of me and as hard as it is to change with this many years of ingrained self protective behaviors I can and I will. You can too😊
escaping pov is how Buddha became Buddha, or so the legend goes... If you can eliminate speculation completely, ONLY pay attention to what is definitely 100% true... Put that with escaping pov and your opportunities to get worked up about things will dramatically decrease.
I felt an entire lifetime of humiliation after that realization. Oh man do I relate to this! I had the exact same revelation during an argument with my SO and I suddenly realized how HE experienced ME and it was... brutal. I fought the urge to call every single person I ever knew to apologize (but I am glad I didn't. It's not like they did not know I was an asshole and my realzinng it was a tad late). It is 10 years later and I am a MUCH MUCH better human but I admit I have to limit my interactions with others - yet life is also much easier now that I know this about myself.
I was recently diagnosed with BPD, I initially thought it was just bipolar but got reassessed. It really affected my relationships drastically.Its difficult, despite all of the therapy and meds and healthy living etc etc. Behavioural modification and change is so hard. I hate that I treated my partners, family, and friends the way I did, and I really want to change it up. This video was really helpful 🙌🏼🙌🏼
Thank you for sharing your journey with us! It's important to remember that recognizing the need for change is a significant first step. Keep pushing forward; you're not alone in this!
My level of insight in general is VERY good, but that all vanishes when I'm emotionally dysregulated. And I can't seem to tell when it tips over from stable / insightful to unstable / completely irrational.
I can't always see where my tipping point is. It's very hard to hit the brakes when you're going 100 mph. I have tried grounding myself so I can stop and use healthy coping skills. Doesn't work much for me but I won't give up. I have been surviving this for 18+ years now so I've definitely gotten better at some things but still struggle with the anger the most!
Omg! You described my whole life and I can see where it all started. Thank you for your material. I was not aware of myself until a few years back then I started processing my childhood. Losing my mom as a seven years old made me feel abandoned and my father had so many mental limitations paired with addictions. Now I know we all do our best. I was left alone for days to care for myself, yes, it made me an overachiever who doesn’t know how to trust nor depend on others plus empty, lonely and never knowing my worth. Hurt people do hurt people and I don’t want to damage my kids or to overprotect them because of my own fears and limitations. Balance seems so hard to achieve… Still I strive not to cause the pain I endured. And repair what was broken in me to become a better person. I deserve this for myself. To restore in me what no one else can do for me.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to reflect on the past and work towards healing. Remember, it’s a journey, and every step you take towards understanding yourself is a step in the right direction.
@@DrDanielFox I wasted a lot of time thinking someone would come and save me, sometimes even from myself, but when I discovered it was my job after all, it changed everything for me. Revisiting the moments I couldn’t protect myself as the grown up removed so many fears and I finally was able to rest. It feels wonderful to know me better 💃🏽🕺🏻
It's honestly getting to the point I can't stand people with personality disorders the trama they cause is insane to think they have suffered and cant see others is mind boggling to me. Other peoples behaviors affected them and yet they don't care how they affect others lets be real its called selfishness I guess some can realize it but for an empath its draining and not healthy what im starting to do run don't walk away
Yes, I am 100% with you on this. My mother and 3 brothers are all BPD and I now feel that I have betrayed myself and wasted so much of my life babying their insanity.
Having a wife and kid made me realize something was wrong with how I would get so upset so quickly. Having people care about me unconditionally has made me realize how fucked up i am from conditional affection as a kid. I wasn’t abused in the traditional sense. It was like I was invisible or an emotional punching bag. Now, I realized that I have been doing that to my family and I hate myself for it.
It was a long journey for me. Kids learn how to behave from their parents and it takes a while to learn that the screwed up kind of upbringing, with a parent with BPD, isn't working in your adult life. Good for you for figuring it out and learning to work on yourself. Your children are going to love you more and you are going to love yourself more for not burdening them with emotional baggage. Break the chain! Good luck!
I've been married for 7 years and my wife unfortunately has BPD and we have had many many many many many many altercations. Early on I thought I was going crazy I thought I was in the Twilight Zone but then as I did more and more research and realized what I was dealing with I began to implement certain techniques and get her to watch some of Dr Fox's videos and finally go through a workbook called you untangled which has helped tremendously but we are about to seek counseling due to the last confrontation we had this week. She doesn't seem to remember or acknowledge any wrongdoing for some reason she is always the victim and feels justified in all of her words deeds and actions and doesn't remember a lot of things that actually happened it's very frustrating
It sounds like you've been on a challenging journey, but it's great to hear that you've found some resources that have helped. Seeking counseling is a positive step, and I hope it brings you both clarity and understanding.
You're a good man sir, you're doing great don't give up sounds like you're almost at the finish line! I promise there's a point of realization and you'll get your amends ❤
I am a male with BPD (in treatment for 4 years). It is highly likely that she doesn’t even remember what made her angry the day after an argument. I know that’s hard to understand or believe, but it’s true. She needs individual therapy, but we rarely seek treatment until our entire lives fall apart (if ever). Good luck to you sir.
My mom has undiagnosed (but all of the symptoms) of BPD. She was a great mom until I reached the age of about 12. Now that I know more about BPD, I suspect my developmental stage, becoming a teen, triggered an abandonment response. But frankly, my experience has been one of having to deal with extensive manipulations, sabotages, back-stabbings and let downs. I had to learn to develop my own sense of acceptable behavior by adopting other role models. This is VERY difficult for a kid. When Dr. Fox mentioned the coping mechanisms to deal with people with BPD, in this video, it almost made me ill. I've had to be the adult in the room since I was 12. I have a strong sense of duty (she is quite elderly now) and I visit with her and help her out but it is duty, not love. The love I once felt for her has oozed out of me over a lifetime of emotional abuse.
I was never diagnosed but I had the symptoms. It’s confusing because since I was very young child I had big tantrums or sometimes no one could get me out of the melt down after a long period. But yes I lived in a violent or unpredictable environment. Yes I was always fearful of being abandoned and I would mistreat my kids . I started going to parent workshops, then therapy for about 1 year . Therapy was on and off because for some reason the counselors had to transfer me to other one, so I had to start over. Anyways I watched videos from psychologists and also the Bible showed me about love. Love helped me see, I did not love my kids for real and it was when my journey to my recovery started. I wanted my kids feel loved the way I didn’t feel as a child. To be short. I am in my second marriage and I am exhausted from the verbal abuse, with all the information about narcissism, I am really thinking he lacks of empathy. He blames me for trying to fight when I want to talk and find a solution and he would bully me and so much more. But after 10 years I don’t see much !!! People is going to change when they feel love and don’t want to hurt people
Being involved with someone with BPD long term has def affected me with some trauma. My energy was drained I started feeling like I have PTSD cuz one day is good the next is bad. Or they can all the sudden switch. When I was single and mingling, I tend to be triggered much easier if I sense lies or if there’s drama. In all I gotta heal.
Great video to improve my understanding. My adult daughter has this diagnosis and occasionally after doing all the validating, I wonder if I shouldn’t just provide some tough love. This explains why that wouldn’t work. Thanks for helping me understand
For me it is my mom who has BPD. BPDs fear abandonment. Tough love does somewhat work when it comes to setting boundaries as long as you keep showing up. They have a great fear of abandonment. I'm tough, set the boundaries (even when she is having some version of a tantrum) then I show up again and start fresh like nothing happened. They aren't gong to like when you set firm boundaries (my mom regularly yells at me or hangs up the phone on me when she doesn't like that her manipulations aren't working and once, a long time ago, broke her thumb by hanging up on me while using her wall phone) but if I wait a few days so that she can reset, then we can 'get along'. The most difficult part is the self-care needed to recover from having to deal with 'loved' ones with BPD. Take good care of yourself and good luck.
Thanks, Dr. Fox, for always being so positive and encouraging! When I get triggered or dysredulated I haven't a clue how I got there and definitely experience that gap in insight! I was diagnosed as having high functioning BPD at 62 after many years of therapy. Things finally made absolute sense about the terrible emotional turmoil that I had experienced and had tried to hide. I am using your workbook, journal cards and am taking your online class. Thx for the help!
I just ran into your videos sent two to my partner as he is learning about my BPD . I watched the videos without realizing I actually been working on one of your workbooks beforehand that my partner bought me to help! I was mind blown when I connected the dots😂. It all made sense. Your workbook has helped me so much, had definitely gone through the roller coaster of emotions in process.. I have the higher level of BPD but I do feel calmer and positive over all so far consistently. Thank you so much making content! My partner has felt peaceful lately, and seen changes since I started my healing journey despite it has not been easy on both ends. Hope is there for sure but it takes both people to want to be a team and not enemies for it work 🙌🏼.
I realized its not emptiness but a deep and abiding disgust revulsion and terror of this evil "humanity"... how could I possibly truly adjust to that?!
If you didn’t make this video’ I wouldn’t have🎯that Eureka moment’.🙏 I thank you for saving my 16yr old boy. He’s been this way since 4th grade. You’ve spoken my life for the last 12 years perfectly! Thank you so much, I’m sending this to his new counselors.❤
Thank you 🙏🏻 you’re the first medical professional and person to describe exactly what living with BPD is actually like. You’re also the first person to make me feel like a worthy human being. I was diagnosed approximately 30 yrs ago but given no help on how to manage my BPD.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! It’s important to feel understood and valued. I’m glad my video resonated with you and provided some clarity on living with BPD.
This was the best explanation and insight into BPD. For years I wondered what was wrong with me, my sister suggested I look into BPD signs and symptoms and yes 👍. But I have have suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember also
This video is so informative! It all makes sense as to the lack of insight and suspicions regarding compliments. Wow! I know my husband has BPD (he's been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression, which yes he has all that, but the BPD diagnosis has been missed) but because the blame is constantly pointed at me, he cannot see that his behavior is destructive. The shame and family in the head is so strong. He has stopped his therapy and the medication he started a year ago.. Buspar, which made a HUGE difference.. he had decreased the dose and all the maladaptive behaviors came back. He will not increase the med. How does one live with this if they are unaware they have it and refuse treatment. It seems hopeless. We are now on the verge of divorce and he will not do anything to help himself. I cannot live a life of abuse. What to do?????
I highly, highly recommend Dr. Fox's video course. It's a little expensive, but so helpful with very specific adaptive strategies and guidance. You'll be glad you did!
I really appreciate your positive attitude. I finish watching your videos feeling good about the information you’ve provided and hopeful in my ability to apply it. Thank you Dr. Fox.
Very glad to find this channel. Amazing to survive this long, with self help the only option. Finally a good expert with great delivery of useful information. Thanks😊🙋
Hi, Dr. Fox! First, I can't thank you enough for your your work! The way you speak of BPD & care for both those living w/ it and those who love someone w/ it in such a genuinely compassionate/dignifying way means more to me than I can express. Second, I was wondering if you might have insight on how to give compliments/encouragement to someone living w/ BPD. I have a dear friend who is an amazing person in so many ways, yet sadly has much past trauma. Though I could (and would) never try to diagnose someone else, I strongly suspect they may have BPD knowing their past & some challenges I've seen them have. I love this person as though they were family, and my own top two love languages are words of affirmation & acts of service. However, when I've tried to encourage them, they've often shown little or no response. It's so hard to feel like I'm not making as much of a positive difference for them as I wish I could (especially since they've experienced so much hurt yet have so much good to offer). Thank you in advance for your help. Much gratitude again, and blessings!! 🙏
My mom either has this or narcissistic pd and I’m done trying to pussyfoot around. She has treated me awful my entire life. Now that my dad recently died she is way worse. I call my mom to try to see how she is doing and talk about my dad. What proceeded to happen is her leading me into a political debate. I tried to stop her bc we don’t agree here so why even talk about it. She proceeded to say awful things to me and hang up on me. I have tried to call HER back! She won’t answer and we live states apart. I have called three times total and I’m just done. I am 45 years old and she is 65. This will never change. I need to continue to just be a good woman to my husband, kids and friends.
Narcs get worse with age people drop off , and the Marsk slips . Don't feel bad put yourself 1st that's all she has done all her life. All we are to these people is something to use .
@@jbuntine1255 Thank you for this!! I have felt used by her from a very young age and always held out hope that things would eventually change and she would actually “see” me but this still hasn’t happened after all this time. She then goes and tells family members that I’m bad to her and smears my name. I’m just done. Thank you for your time in answering me back and I’m sorry if you are dealing with this stuff too.
I looked after my mother x2 now deceased . Used and abused all my life by this family . Married a Narc now X l was his Slave the financial abuse . My father a Psychopth inappropriate with my daughter , confronting him on the behaviour , he had the police onto me insanity. Your not believed by family they think you are mad.. There is a book Called Jesus's and the twisted Generation By Ida Sputum Her mother was mentally ill No boundaries and a horrendous dysfunctional family.. God bless from ozz. 3:02
That doesn't sound anything like borderline personality disorder because we normally wouldn't start a debate out of nowhere. We do fear abandonment, rejection and conflict after all. Your mother sounds like someone who may be be struggling with narcissistic personality disorder, but it's really important to remember that everyone is an individual and a whole group of people shouldn't have to take responsibility for one completely separate individual's actions. I do not intend to invalidate your experience; it sounds horrible. I'm so sorry you went through all that. I do not have narcissistic personality disorder myself, but my mother and old friend have it. They are both very different people who present their disorder in very different ways. It can be tough living with someone who presents so severely, believe me, I know…but there are some out there who are willing to change and have self-awareness, whether it's NPD or some other disorder.
These videos are helping calm me I listen all day. I am 38, and my bpd is horrible after 19 years. It's really bad. It's because i have a favorite person. Bless his heart. He tries to help me as much as he can. Now i am trying to regulate my emotions because I love him..
It's not intentional, it's emotional, coming from pain. I had bpd , With therapy and emotional healing for several years, I'm was declared "normal" That's more thay10 years ago now . Looking back , those years hurt so bad, I was completely overwhelmed by such strong emotions all the time. Not cause I wanted to. It's like greaf or if you're broken hearted, you cannot just stop. It took several therapists before I found the right one I suddenly saw myself, what I did to myself and others. Then the healing could begin❤ Now I watch other people's emotions pending a lot more than mine. I'm calmer than most people now.
it's not that anyone can't acquire insight and wisdom, it's that they are resistant to acquiring such value, they refuse. Other people who are abused do seek out and acquire wisdom and insight and cope without disorders.
You make an excellent point! The willingness to seek wisdom is crucial, and it’s inspiring to see how some people navigate their challenges with resilience and growth.
Your knowledge and articulation on the subject is exceptional. Suprises me the depth to your insight. I’m sure your videos literally save and console some individuals
I ran out of patience with my mother. She didn’t see anything wrong with exploiting me and tearing me down to gain compliance. I think capitulation is her love language. 😒
That sounds more like narcissism to me rather than BPD i could be wrong but just what you described. Also you dont deserve that no matter her diagnosis. I hope she gets help and i hope and wish healing for you ❤ im sure you’ve tried talking with her but at least make sure you say your peace and let her know how she made you feel for your own sake and if she doesn’t change at all or try to get help then maybe no contact? Just suggestions. You shouldn’t have to suffer over someone else’s actions and words especially your family or people who are supposed to make you feel loved and safe. God loves you and I do too ❤
@@Unfilteredalyssa1227 Thank you for your kind words and love. ☺️ My mom has been diagnosed with BPD on two separate occasions when I was a teenager and young adult. She has been in treatment (med and therapy) on several occasions and ultimately would quit when it came to acknowledging her abusive behavior and changing it. She said she is less effective when she was in treatment and she doesn’t like that. Her ability to bully and manipulate people is more important to her than anyone else. I stopped contact with her when she tried to use the uncertainty of fear we experienced at the beginning of the covid pandemic to get my siblings and me to give her money and pay for somewhere for her to live. She threatened that we may never see her again if she doesn’t have these things and she contracts covid. That was the end for me. I spent four decades being patient and trying to figure out how to communicate with her better and thinking that I was the failure for not getting through to her. I told her that I was not going to watch her destroy herself anymore.
@@Unfilteredalyssa1227 She’s been diagnosed with BPD twice. She’s also highly narcissistic. She’s been in treatment with meds and therapy on multiple occasions when I was a teenager. Ultimately, she said she likes being able to get her way (by being an exploitative, violent bully), and stopped all treatment. I stopped contact with her about 4 years ago.
Doesn't bpd mean at various times they have a variation on every personality disorder like npd sometimes. Just my experience with a few. Comes unique version depending on the individual.
Dodkonały wykład na temat tego przytlaczającego zaburzenia, sam się z tym zmagam od wielu lat a do trego jeszce mam inne przypadlości w postaci chorób współisntniejących, nie jest łatwo nauczyć się pracować nad sobą ale nigdy nie jest za pózno aby stać się bardziej przystosowanym, pozdrawiam serdecznie wszystkich sluchaczy oraz kanal Daniel'a J.Fox'a.
It’s tough when its like that right when you wake up. Have you identified any triggers that happen? For me it was the people i was around and the situation itself. But then it stopped happening right when i woke up anyway once that situation was changed. You can’t always change your situation either so i get that if you cant. Mine took a while. Also maybe coming up with a somewhat calm morning routine or trying metropalol if youre like waking up with panic attacks. Its a medicine (talk to your doctor of course) that lowers your heart rate and can help with having the feeling of a panic attack. It worked for me. Everyones different. I hope it helps though good luck ❤🎉
So rough. Everyday I find myself within the first 10 seconds of waking doing a bit of a mental self-examination. And it is pretty crushing when I realize I've just woken up and I'm already on the verge of crying. But there are also days where after the self-examination I realize, I feel good today.
As a kid I was facinated about a guy called Red Adair, he extinguished fires by using explosives. I think (or know from myself) that you need sth like that in order to fight BPD or worse NPD. You need sb who uses force to "break" your false believe of who you are. Everybody is different, but for me this is how things work!
One of your very best videos! My partner finally understood my behaviour. I can go a month or two without anything triggering me. And then I seem to go crazy on him. Just when I thought I was getting better, I have an episode that drives me to terrible things. I live in Canada and have been to many therapists who don’t seem to have any idea how to help. 4 of them have diagnosed me with BPD, but are unable to see me any longer than a few sessions. To get someone to listen for more than one session it’s 200.00. And if they don’t have your experience it’s a lot of money for a retired person. I’ve been suffering with this since childhood, and I’m 71. I’m not enjoying any of my life and there is probably not much of it left. I have your book and several binders full of DBT exercises. But it’s doesn’t do what face to face sessions would do. Any suggestions?
There are ways to get specialized therapy for free here in Canada-- but you usually a referal from a doctor or a referal service, (both of which you have to seek out online yourself) you'll typically have to go to a bigger city for specialized therapy, and there's usually a wait for free services.. I'm currently waiting up to 6 months for a mental health specialist in Ontario. It's not easy.
The “family in the head” I’ve heard referred to as “the committee” but “family in the head” is more accurate because it usually starts with your family.
Thank you . I am broken by the way my adult daughter has treated me .. I know I was a good mum . It’s been so hard to understand. I took it personally and it broke me . Then she had her baby taken off her by the authorities . .. Iv been so in the dark .. like a rabbit in the headlights.. your videos are a breakdown for me in understanding.
After Lexapro cold turkey withdrawal damage, getting myself fired on purpose and living in isolation in a cluttered house with mold and maybe lead paint.. I started blocking and harassing family members on my phone. Now everyone is depressed like me. I may have brought down my own family..
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. It's important to reach out for help and talk to someone who can support you through this. Remember, you're not alone in this journey.
The wider conversation is that these higher levels of pathology are regressed to early life stages of dysfunction. The borderline in some ways functions with the negative emotionality of a baby (hypersensitivity, attachment dysfunction, object impermanence), in other ways it is a negative teenage emotionality (dysregulation, identity disturbance). And then the responses to collapsed state is usually psychopathic Baby dysregulation + Teen dysregulation + Young adult dysregulation (Psychopathy) This is not a good combo. I would say narcissism is the pregnancy stage (false self) + the childhood stage (introjective identification, fantasies).
It's completely understandable to seek hope in treatment options. There are definitely ways to manage BPD, and many people find effective strategies that work for them.
This is an excellent analysis. With me, recognizing the trigger is paramount. Keep in mind from the trigger to the tsunami is literally a nanosecond. There is a multitude of triggers, some the BPD person may not even know, much less recognize. Learning mentalization, DBT, and schema therapy can all lead to trigger management. It is a long road, but it is possible to improve.
Thank you for your insightful comment! Recognizing triggers is indeed crucial, and it's great to see you emphasizing that. The journey of understanding and managing those triggers can be challenging, but every step forward is a victory!
Hi, I have been with some woman who, apparently, did not have herself well under control. Every discussion, argument, conflict was escalated by her either into contemptuous sarcasm or yelling. Well, she was aware of that, and she admitted to be strongly driven by her emotions. But why did she not consider this as a serious problem which tormented her family of origin, her children and her partners. Because of two things: first, she doesn't care much about the wellbeing of others, and her aggressiveness is successful in that normal people tend to back down and rather not get into further trouble with her. So life has rewarded her innumerable times for her aggressive behaviour. So she has little incentive to change ... if her mother doesn't talk to her any longer, her partners desert her, her explanation is simply: I am surrounded by crazy people. And that's it. Hopeless. Call it BPD, call it narcissistic, antisocial, psychopathic ... it has elements of all of that.
It sounds like you’ve been through a challenging experience. Emotional regulation can be tough for many people, and it’s important for everyone to recognize how their behavior impacts those around them. Thank you for sharing your insights.
I agree. There is some reward in being unpredictable and intimidating people, especially one's family. The family cannot abandon one totally, so they are tiptoeing around a sick person in fear. It gives one the feeling of power. People with personality disorders can be quite manipulative.
@@DrDanielFox The point I wanted to make is that borderline-like behaviour is not solely a source of suffering, but also, and perhaps equally or even more important, a source of power and getting your way without having to argue in a civilised way. And yes, all this might be subconscious, and the 'perpetrators' are not even aware of that, particularly when they have a strong paranoid streak.
This is one of the things I have seen the most with people with bpd is often times they rewarded in some way for theor behavior whether the reward was intentionally or not and it reinforces the behavior. And what's extremely hard about that is if you are one of the only people not rewarding them you become some awful person instead of someone that doesnt want to be an emotional punching bag
My younger sister has a saying" don't be so EMO" it's not easy in dealing with her at all .she's a nurse..... And she can be cold toward others . I've always tried to get the gest person I know.....but no more will I runaround like a chicken with my head cut for others
Dr Fox, Could you do a video on whether you need to tell your friends and loved ones that you have bpd? If so when is it a good time to tell someone you just meet a boyfriend or a new friend?
That's a really important topic to discuss! I'll definitely consider making a video about when and how to share that information with friends and loved ones. Thanks for the suggestion!
I think if you look at any diagnosis objectively, especially things that society tends to lean towards "it's their own fault, they made these choices" i.e. obesity or BPD, the only real conclusion is that these people are so negatively affected by their diagnosis that there is no reason to believe they are doing it intentionally or by choice.
Im scared to seek treatment. Im now 31 and the more I look into bpd the more it makes sense to me. It’s hard to find information pertaining to specifically me because I am gay. I self soothe with drugs and intimacy. I get consumed and overwhelmed in the moment of just seemingly endless anger and self destructive behavior. I am so tired of my life and just failing. Anything must be better than this.
I am a christian with quiet BPD. I can say that I do know when I am abusive. And I do stop it. But the thing that is hard to control is the emotional instability.
Anyone who thinks that I intentionally act how I do is an asshole. But I also kind of am starting to think that BPD is a BS label and that parent neglect and abuse causes this BS.
if some experts say _most_ people with bpd have childhood trauma who says that the other few that seemingly don't are even able to recognize their trauma or remember it? wouldn't it be weird if like 20% of people with bpd had no trauma at all but still the same set of symptoms (more or less) as people who developed this way out of trauma?
My ex was BPD..roller coaster of amazing and HORRIBLE. She eventually hurt her own child physically in order to hurt and manipulate her ex husband and the court. Truly fucked up I had PTSD from her abuse for YEARS
You have wonderful videos! We would absolutely appreciate if you could make a video on how to convince BPD spouse for diagnosis and treatment. My wife always lies to her psychiatrist so, her doctor diagnosed her anxiety & depression. But she has severe symptoms of BPD. And she never admits it and doesn’t want to tell her true symptoms to her doc. So, she isn’t getting proper treatment and therapy. Please create a video on how to make BPD person understand to get the proper treatment. Thank you 🙏🏼
Yes.. I just posted a similar post. I know you can't "make" anyone get treatment. But maybe some effective communication techniques to influence them???
Hi Dr Fox, I am working my way through your BPD workbook, it is such powerful work, you have laid it out in perfect order to learn about this spectrum disorder and release the issues and move into recovery. It's kind of mind blowing. I have two questions: Can you recommend a process at the end of the session that will bring us back around to hope, clarity and feeling successful? Doing the work is intense, and I feel a need to close it out with positivity. Also, I meditate every morning, it is my spirituality, and I believe there are only two kinds of folks- those in alignment with their higher selves, and those not. Alignment can be minute by minute, it involves releasing resistance and receiving information from our highest selves, and my answers to your questions will change according to my alignment. For instance, working through Chapter 3 to find my attachment style, I can honestly say if I have done my centering work that morning in meditation, I can see that I fall into all four categories', if I am not in that warm comfy space of alignment. It's looking back at my past and recent past to asses myself. I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone but me, but please know we are all so so grateful for your videos and the workbooks.
I found it! I'll use this great little bit at the end of your symptom tracker. It makes me feel better right away "Insight is Knowledge, Knowledge is Power, and Power is Control!
Your videos are extremely helpful, however I need to PLAYFULLY point out that the thumbnail for the video’s words were in font/design of some Sonic The Hedgehog thing Id seen in the past and it was too funny a realization to not point out x)
Can EFT-TAPPING therapy work for BPD? I have had success with the tapping techniques for self worth and feeling that I am enough, but I'd like to find a BPD oriented series of tappings.
Cant believe there are people here commenting that the people with bpd know exactly what they are doing.😢 Educate yourself,you are wrong! Very narcissistic comment!
I swear this was my mother and my ex. One mnt we are ok. The next he is mad and paranoid. Always thought I was doing something when I wasn't and no matter what I did to prove to him he was wrong he disnt care. So then I'd walk away and 2 days later he was sorry. He drove me crazy
How can I fight u if u also have a sociopathy and are trying to take my 2 yr old away from based on false legal allegations? Any insight you can provide would be so helpful. I was an enabling husband of 5 yrs that served as complete support for her (without knowing) 😢
I think people confuse bpd with narcs. Real bpd is kinda like ptsd. With many behaviors even you dont understand or in my case remember. Loss of time line, ect shame over things, confusion, real abandonenent fears . I got hemriods over seperation axiety as young person. Horrible stuff a life struggle....be careful not to attract narcisistas.....we are like blood to a vampire to those evil s.o.b.. Forgive yourself and heal......,
NPD is linked to ptsd very much also. It has similar root unf.abuse and neglect in childhood with few different nuances and also the child temperament seems to be in a role in which direction it will show up the damage in adulthood.
Dear Daniel, I have got married with my bpd wife in December 2023. After almost 1 year, for some mistake, she is splitted from me as saying, She doens't love me anymore. She tried. But failed to love me. She wants devorce. I apologise many way. But her word is fixed. Fortunately her parents are with me. They started her DBT. But my question, after dbt session, can she even remember me?? At present, she don't care our good times, good moments. Even she is saying, the marriage is a mistake from her. Even she was srying for marriage before Marriage. I am muslim, from Bangladesh. What should I do? I want to be with my wife. But she has 0% interest. Few days ago, she loved a lot. Is there any way to be idealized again? or how many days it will take for dbt? Can she be cure? Again be mine?
Wonderful video Dr Fox. I have some questions though: while no parent is perfect and certainly there are some who do abuse their children either intentionally or inadvertently, I dont see how that 'causes' bpd. How is it possible for one member of the family to be BPD while siblings are all 'normal' (I am using that word loosely here) if it is abuse or trauma that causes it? How much of a BPD's 'memory' of abuse is actually real given that they frequently move circumstances around to fit their narrative? Unless they stop blaming others for whats wrong,(and yes I do know I am generalising again,) how do they actually start benefitting from the DBT? Finally, do you have a 'workbook' for the families/spouses of BPD person to help them navigate and use the right words to calm and reassure the BPD and/or stop triggering the BPD.? I hope you will answer these questions for me :) xx
I wish that my future husband watch this and understand that I would never try to hurt him on purpose and will do my best to recover 😢I hope he doesn't leave me like my ex because of this 😢
It should be more than okay to ask that. I have BPD and yes everyone’s different but maybe say “hey i was wondering if you knew about the love languages and which one is yours? That way i can love you better and ill tell you mine” hope that helps 🎉
Not all had bad or abusive childhood. Many with abusive childhood did not develop bpd just like many without abusive childhood developed it. You are taking out those who have genetic propensity and then may have a trauma event later in life that spurs it to the surface.
You're absolutely right! The development of BPD is complex and can be influenced by a variety of factors, including genetics and life experiences. It's important to consider all angles when discussing mental health.
Also, Dr. Fix has a wonderful video course available that is about the same cost as a visit or two with a therapist. While no substitute for the care of in person therapy, his experience with thousands of patients with BPD traits provides invaluable insight. It is very different from the RUclips videos in that it gives more specific concrete therapeutical solutions to common BPD issues. Well worth it!)
![Seungmin "그렇게, 천천히, 우리(As we are)" | [Stray Kids : SKZ-PLAYER]](http://i.ytimg.com/vi/kAzmhLHePqU/mqdefault.jpg)
Your channel has been so helpful I'm 74 years old after many years of therapy and medication I finally discovered narricism and the family scapegoat after the discovery and much mourning I am coming out the other side I have cut them ALL out of my life and I'm okay with it, I have diagnosed with PTSD but now I'm managing it, I don't smoke drink or do drugs I have been feeling the pain and dealing with it, it has not been easy but I have gone from victim to victor
Hello Janice
I have cut my family out also family scapegoat,
The self help is videos ect people do not understand unless they have lived the nightmare.
Good bless . I'm only asking for 5 good yrs before l die..
After a break from the family, things might be different... I moved 500 miles away from my family at age 18 and never looked back. Currently not speaking to my brother at all as he was abusive and to this day continues to root against me, in all ways, at all times... Allow the members of the family to be individuals. Give it a year or two and then be open to the possibility of trying again, one family member at a time... Remember that it takes two to tango, you won't continue to be a victim if you don't allow yourself to be victimized... It often takes a period of adjustment.... You can't go from awful to awesome all at once... But as the tables have now turned and the power is in your hands, be open to the idea that the future is not always the same as the past. Do whatever you want but I guess I'm saying- don't let a 2024 decision control you in 2025, 2026, 2027. Make the decision fresh each day, and if you decide again and again and again and again that you don't want to see your family, then don't see your family.
I love DBT. I was very resistant for a long time and felt like DBT is a punishment for people that cannot control themselves (certainly not me). If I go to DBT that's like throwing my last bit of pride out the window and accepting that I am a failure as a human being (my internal dialogue.) What I've actually found in reality is that DBT is seriously the best thing ever. It feels like something that will actually help me protect my self worth rather than rub my nose in my failures and exclude me from society. It's something that builds you up and gives you the tools you may have missed out on. I am in a group with people that I can relate to and the instructor feels like someone who understands that people with big emotions have particular struggles and I am not judged. I love DBT. Please try it if you haven't.
Great encouragement
don't ever forget that people love humble people. You don't need an ego that tells you you've failed. We all need truth to keep us healthy
@@katieg7679 I would sure go to a group for DBT, but everything here is online and after trying it that way found it didn’t work for me. Too difficult with only a phone and no PC.
I developed personal insight when i learned to step into the neutral observer viewpoint. Instead of seeing from my pov under the tsunami and getting pummeled, i asked myself how i looked to outsiders that were watching me react to the tsunami. Then i stopped only seeing my own pov where i felt my behaviors were justified because obviously i was flailing in the ultimate desperation and misery of an emotional tsunami. I finally realized nobody else understood or saw my extreme reactions as understandable. Instead, they looked at me like an unhinged madwoman that they would remember to steer clear from. I felt an entire lifetime of humiliation after that realization.
I understand exactly where you're coming from. I am just now at 52 years old after a 2 year period of turmoil realizing who I am and now I have treated people my entire life. I wondered for years what was wrong with me what made me different why did people want to steer clear of me. And now I just feel devastated and confused as to why I didn't see this so long ago. I just have to realize I still have many years ahead of me and as hard as it is to change with this many years of ingrained self protective behaviors I can and I will. You can too😊
escaping pov is how Buddha became Buddha, or so the legend goes... If you can eliminate speculation completely, ONLY pay attention to what is definitely 100% true... Put that with escaping pov and your opportunities to get worked up about things will dramatically decrease.
At least you found the observer
I felt an entire lifetime of humiliation after that realization.
Oh man do I relate to this! I had the exact same revelation during an argument with my SO and I suddenly realized how HE experienced ME and it was... brutal. I fought the urge to call every single person I ever knew to apologize (but I am glad I didn't. It's not like they did not know I was an asshole and my realzinng it was a tad late).
It is 10 years later and I am a MUCH MUCH better human but I admit I have to limit my interactions with others - yet life is also much easier now that I know this about myself.
I was recently diagnosed with BPD, I initially thought it was just bipolar but got reassessed. It really affected my relationships drastically.Its difficult, despite all of the therapy and meds and healthy living etc etc. Behavioural modification and change is so hard.
I hate that I treated my partners, family, and friends the way I did, and I really want to change it up. This video was really helpful 🙌🏼🙌🏼
Thank you for sharing your journey with us! It's important to remember that recognizing the need for change is a significant first step. Keep pushing forward; you're not alone in this!
Youre 1 in a million❤ BPD has to do with emotional disregulation. Of all the personality disorders, BPD is the only one that can be rehabbed.
My level of insight in general is VERY good, but that all vanishes when I'm emotionally dysregulated. And I can't seem to tell when it tips over from stable / insightful to unstable / completely irrational.
I think that I have a similar problem. Thanks for sharing.😮
Me as well
Reason is only accessible in the complete absence of emotion, which for most people is about 0% of the time.
@kellykiernan7785 Very true!
I can't always see where my tipping point is. It's very hard to hit the brakes when you're going 100 mph. I have tried grounding myself so I can stop and use healthy coping skills. Doesn't work much for me but I won't give up. I have been surviving this for 18+ years now so I've definitely gotten better at some things but still struggle with the anger the most!
Omg!
You described my whole life and I can see where it all started.
Thank you for your material.
I was not aware of myself until a few years back then I started processing my childhood. Losing my mom as a seven years old made me feel abandoned and my father had so many mental limitations paired with addictions. Now I know we all do our best. I was left alone for days to care for myself, yes, it made me an overachiever who doesn’t know how to trust nor depend on others plus empty, lonely and never knowing my worth. Hurt people do hurt people and I don’t want to damage my kids or to overprotect them because of my own fears and limitations. Balance seems so hard to achieve… Still I strive not to cause the pain I endured. And repair what was broken in me to become a better person. I deserve this for myself. To restore in me what no one else can do for me.
Thank you for sharing your story. It takes a lot of courage to reflect on the past and work towards healing. Remember, it’s a journey, and every step you take towards understanding yourself is a step in the right direction.
@@DrDanielFox I wasted a lot of time thinking someone would come and save me, sometimes even from myself, but when I discovered it was my job after all, it changed everything for me.
Revisiting the moments I couldn’t protect myself as the grown up removed so many fears and I finally was able to rest. It feels wonderful to know me better 💃🏽🕺🏻
It's honestly getting to the point I can't stand people with personality disorders the trama they cause is insane to think they have suffered and cant see others is mind boggling to me. Other peoples behaviors affected them and yet they don't care how they affect others lets be real its called selfishness I guess some can realize it but for an empath its draining and not healthy what im starting to do run don't walk away
Yes, I am 100% with you on this. My mother and 3 brothers are all BPD and I now feel that I have betrayed myself and wasted so much of my life babying their insanity.
Having a wife and kid made me realize something was wrong with how I would get so upset so quickly. Having people care about me unconditionally has made me realize how fucked up i am from conditional affection as a kid. I wasn’t abused in the traditional sense. It was like I was invisible or an emotional punching bag. Now, I realized that I have been doing that to my family and I hate myself for it.
In the same boat only greatful my Daughter still loves me😮
It was a long journey for me. Kids learn how to behave from their parents and it takes a while to learn that the screwed up kind of upbringing, with a parent with BPD, isn't working in your adult life. Good for you for figuring it out and learning to work on yourself. Your children are going to love you more and you are going to love yourself more for not burdening them with emotional baggage. Break the chain! Good luck!
I've been married for 7 years and my wife unfortunately has BPD and we have had many many many many many many altercations. Early on I thought I was going crazy I thought I was in the Twilight Zone but then as I did more and more research and realized what I was dealing with I began to implement certain techniques and get her to watch some of Dr Fox's videos and finally go through a workbook called you untangled which has helped tremendously but we are about to seek counseling due to the last confrontation we had this week. She doesn't seem to remember or acknowledge any wrongdoing for some reason she is always the victim and feels justified in all of her words deeds and actions and doesn't remember a lot of things that actually happened it's very frustrating
It sounds like you've been on a challenging journey, but it's great to hear that you've found some resources that have helped. Seeking counseling is a positive step, and I hope it brings you both clarity and understanding.
You're a good man sir, you're doing great don't give up sounds like you're almost at the finish line! I promise there's a point of realization and you'll get your amends ❤
I am a male with BPD (in treatment for 4 years). It is highly likely that she doesn’t even remember what made her angry the day after an argument. I know that’s hard to understand or believe, but it’s true. She needs individual therapy, but we rarely seek treatment until our entire lives fall apart (if ever). Good luck to you sir.
My mom has undiagnosed (but all of the symptoms) of BPD. She was a great mom until I reached the age of about 12. Now that I know more about BPD, I suspect my developmental stage, becoming a teen, triggered an abandonment response. But frankly, my experience has been one of having to deal with extensive manipulations, sabotages, back-stabbings and let downs. I had to learn to develop my own sense of acceptable behavior by adopting other role models. This is VERY difficult for a kid. When Dr. Fox mentioned the coping mechanisms to deal with people with BPD, in this video, it almost made me ill. I've had to be the adult in the room since I was 12. I have a strong sense of duty (she is quite elderly now) and I visit with her and help her out but it is duty, not love. The love I once felt for her has oozed out of me over a lifetime of emotional abuse.
I was never diagnosed but I had the symptoms. It’s confusing because since I was very young child I had big tantrums or sometimes no one could get me out of the melt down after a long period. But yes I lived in a violent or unpredictable environment. Yes I was always fearful of being abandoned and I would mistreat my kids . I started going to parent workshops, then therapy for about 1 year . Therapy was on and off because for some reason the counselors had to transfer me to other one, so I had to start over. Anyways I watched videos from psychologists and also the Bible showed me about love. Love helped me see, I did not love my kids for real and it was when my journey to my recovery started. I wanted my kids feel loved the way I didn’t feel as a child. To be short. I am in my second marriage and I am exhausted from the verbal abuse, with all the information about narcissism, I am really thinking he lacks of empathy. He blames me for trying to fight when I want to talk and find a solution and he would bully me and so much more. But after 10 years I don’t see much !!!
People is going to change when they feel love and don’t want to hurt people
Being involved with someone with BPD long term has def affected me with some trauma. My energy was drained I started feeling like I have PTSD cuz one day is good the next is bad. Or they can all the sudden switch. When I was single and mingling, I tend to be triggered much easier if I sense lies or if there’s drama. In all I gotta heal.
I literally had PTSD for years from my ex wife's abuse of me
@@drunvertI hear you
Great video to improve my understanding. My adult daughter has this diagnosis and occasionally after doing all the validating, I wonder if I shouldn’t just provide some tough love. This explains why that wouldn’t work. Thanks for helping me understand
For me it is my mom who has BPD. BPDs fear abandonment. Tough love does somewhat work when it comes to setting boundaries as long as you keep showing up. They have a great fear of abandonment. I'm tough, set the boundaries (even when she is having some version of a tantrum) then I show up again and start fresh like nothing happened. They aren't gong to like when you set firm boundaries (my mom regularly yells at me or hangs up the phone on me when she doesn't like that her manipulations aren't working and once, a long time ago, broke her thumb by hanging up on me while using her wall phone) but if I wait a few days so that she can reset, then we can 'get along'. The most difficult part is the self-care needed to recover from having to deal with 'loved' ones with BPD. Take good care of yourself and good luck.
Thanks, Dr. Fox, for always being so positive and encouraging! When I get triggered or dysredulated I haven't a clue how I got there and definitely experience that gap in insight! I was diagnosed as having high functioning BPD at 62 after many years of therapy. Things finally made absolute sense about the terrible emotional turmoil that I had experienced and had tried to hide. I am using your workbook, journal cards and am taking your online class. Thx for the help!
I just ran into your videos
sent two to my partner as he is learning about my BPD . I watched the videos without realizing I actually been working on one of your workbooks beforehand that my partner bought me to help! I was mind blown when I connected the dots😂. It all made sense. Your workbook has helped me so much, had definitely gone through the roller coaster of emotions in process.. I have the higher level of BPD but I do feel calmer and positive over all so far consistently. Thank you so much making content! My partner has felt peaceful lately, and seen changes since I started my healing journey despite it has not been easy on both ends. Hope is there for sure but it takes both people to want to be a team and not enemies for it work 🙌🏼.
I realized its not emptiness but a deep and abiding disgust revulsion and terror of this evil "humanity"... how could I possibly truly adjust to that?!
If you didn’t make this video’ I wouldn’t have🎯that Eureka moment’.🙏 I thank you for saving my 16yr old boy. He’s been this way since 4th grade.
You’ve spoken my life for the last 12 years perfectly! Thank you so much, I’m sending this to his new counselors.❤
Thank you 🙏🏻 you’re the first medical professional and person to describe exactly what living with BPD is actually like. You’re also the first person to make me feel like a worthy human being. I was diagnosed approximately 30 yrs ago but given no help on how to manage my BPD.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience! It’s important to feel understood and valued. I’m glad my video resonated with you and provided some clarity on living with BPD.
This was the best explanation and insight into BPD. For years I wondered what was wrong with me, my sister suggested I look into BPD signs and symptoms and yes 👍. But I have have suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember also
This video is so informative! It all makes sense as to the lack of insight and suspicions regarding compliments. Wow! I know my husband has BPD (he's been diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression, which yes he has all that, but the BPD diagnosis has been missed) but because the blame is constantly pointed at me, he cannot see that his behavior is destructive. The shame and family in the head is so strong. He has stopped his therapy and the medication he started a year ago.. Buspar, which made a HUGE difference.. he had decreased the dose and all the maladaptive behaviors came back. He will not increase the med. How does one live with this if they are unaware they have it and refuse treatment. It seems hopeless. We are now on the verge of divorce and he will not do anything to help himself. I cannot live a life of abuse. What to do?????
Thank you for explaining this so well.
You’re welcome
I highly, highly recommend Dr. Fox's video course. It's a little expensive, but so helpful with very specific adaptive strategies and guidance. You'll be glad you did!
I really appreciate your positive attitude. I finish watching your videos feeling good about the information you’ve provided and hopeful in my ability to apply it.
Thank you Dr. Fox.
Very glad to find this channel. Amazing to survive this long, with self help the only option.
Finally a good expert with great delivery of useful information.
Thanks😊🙋
Hi, Dr. Fox!
First, I can't thank you enough for your your work! The way you speak of BPD & care for both those living w/ it and those who love someone w/ it in such a genuinely compassionate/dignifying way means more to me than I can express.
Second, I was wondering if you might have insight on how to give compliments/encouragement to someone living w/ BPD. I have a dear friend who is an amazing person in so many ways, yet sadly has much past trauma. Though I could (and would) never try to diagnose someone else, I strongly suspect they may have BPD knowing their past & some challenges I've seen them have.
I love this person as though they were family, and my own top two love languages are words of affirmation & acts of service. However, when I've tried to encourage them, they've often shown little or no response. It's so hard to feel like I'm not making as much of a positive difference for them as I wish I could (especially since they've experienced so much hurt yet have so much good to offer).
Thank you in advance for your help. Much gratitude again, and blessings!! 🙏
My mom either has this or narcissistic pd and I’m done trying to pussyfoot around. She has treated me awful my entire life. Now that my dad recently died she is way worse. I call my mom to try to see how she is doing and talk about my dad. What proceeded to happen is her leading me into a political debate. I tried to stop her bc we don’t agree here so why even talk about it. She proceeded to say awful things to me and hang up on me. I have tried to call HER back! She won’t answer and we live states apart. I have called three times total and I’m just done. I am 45 years old and she is 65. This will never change. I need to continue to just be a good woman to my husband, kids and friends.
Narcs get worse with age people drop off , and the Marsk slips .
Don't feel bad put yourself 1st that's all she has done all her life.
All we are to these people is something to use .
I sent you a reply .
Put yourself 1st and your family.
The manipulation has to stop Narcs get worse with age..
@@jbuntine1255 Thank you for this!! I have felt used by her from a very young age and always held out hope that things would eventually change and she would actually “see” me but this still hasn’t happened after all this time. She then goes and tells family members that I’m bad to her and smears my name. I’m just done. Thank you for your time in answering me back and I’m sorry if you are dealing with this stuff too.
I looked after my mother x2 now deceased .
Used and abused all my life by this family .
Married a Narc now X l was his Slave the financial abuse .
My father a Psychopth inappropriate with my daughter , confronting him on the behaviour , he had the police onto me insanity. Your not believed by family they think you are mad..
There is a book
Called Jesus's and the twisted Generation
By Ida Sputum
Her mother was mentally ill
No boundaries and a horrendous dysfunctional family..
God bless from ozz.
3:02
That doesn't sound anything like borderline personality disorder because we normally wouldn't start a debate out of nowhere. We do fear abandonment, rejection and conflict after all. Your mother sounds like someone who may be be struggling with narcissistic personality disorder, but it's really important to remember that everyone is an individual and a whole group of people shouldn't have to take responsibility for one completely separate individual's actions. I do not intend to invalidate your experience; it sounds horrible. I'm so sorry you went through all that. I do not have narcissistic personality disorder myself, but my mother and old friend have it. They are both very different people who present their disorder in very different ways. It can be tough living with someone who presents so severely, believe me, I know…but there are some out there who are willing to change and have self-awareness, whether it's NPD or some other disorder.
14:54 ❤ This is the first time I've heard you or anyone say that with so much positivity ❤
These videos are helping calm me I listen all day. I am 38, and my bpd is horrible after 19 years. It's really bad. It's because i have a favorite person. Bless his heart. He tries to help me as much as he can. Now i am trying to regulate my emotions because I love him..
Glad you found the video helpful and that’s awesome you’re managing it so well.
It's not intentional, it's emotional, coming from pain. I had bpd , With therapy and emotional healing for several years, I'm was declared "normal" That's more thay10 years ago now . Looking back , those years hurt so bad, I was completely overwhelmed by such strong emotions all the time. Not cause I wanted to. It's like greaf or if you're broken hearted, you cannot just stop. It took several therapists before I found the right one
I suddenly saw myself, what I did to myself and others. Then the healing could begin❤
Now I watch other people's emotions pending a lot more than mine. I'm calmer than most people now.
it's not that anyone can't acquire insight and wisdom, it's that they are resistant to acquiring such value, they refuse. Other people who are abused do seek out and acquire wisdom and insight and cope without disorders.
You make an excellent point! The willingness to seek wisdom is crucial, and it’s inspiring to see how some people navigate their challenges with resilience and growth.
Your knowledge and articulation on the subject is exceptional. Suprises me the depth to your insight. I’m sure your videos literally save and console some individuals
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.
I ran out of patience with my mother. She didn’t see anything wrong with exploiting me and tearing me down to gain compliance. I think capitulation is her love language. 😒
That sounds more like narcissism to me rather than BPD i could be wrong but just what you described. Also you dont deserve that no matter her diagnosis. I hope she gets help and i hope and wish healing for you ❤ im sure you’ve tried talking with her but at least make sure you say your peace and let her know how she made you feel for your own sake and if she doesn’t change at all or try to get help then maybe no contact? Just suggestions. You shouldn’t have to suffer over someone else’s actions and words especially your family or people who are supposed to make you feel loved and safe. God loves you and I do too ❤
This was a brilliant comment.
@@Unfilteredalyssa1227
Thank you for your kind words and love. ☺️ My mom has been diagnosed with BPD on two separate occasions when I was a teenager and young adult. She has been in treatment (med and therapy) on several occasions and ultimately would quit when it came to acknowledging her abusive behavior and changing it. She said she is less effective when she was in treatment and she doesn’t like that. Her ability to bully and manipulate people is more important to her than anyone else. I stopped contact with her when she tried to use the uncertainty of fear we experienced at the beginning of the covid pandemic to get my siblings and me to give her money and pay for somewhere for her to live. She threatened that we may never see her again if she doesn’t have these things and she contracts covid. That was the end for me. I spent four decades being patient and trying to figure out how to communicate with her better and thinking that I was the failure for not getting through to her. I told her that I was not going to watch her destroy herself anymore.
@@Unfilteredalyssa1227
She’s been diagnosed with BPD twice. She’s also highly narcissistic. She’s been in treatment with meds and therapy on multiple occasions when I was a teenager. Ultimately, she said she likes being able to get her way (by being an exploitative, violent bully), and stopped all treatment.
I stopped contact with her about 4 years ago.
Doesn't bpd mean at various times they have a variation on every personality disorder like npd sometimes. Just my experience with a few. Comes unique version depending on the individual.
This was a great video. Helped me contextualize my own behaviour. Thank you.
Dodkonały wykład na temat tego przytlaczającego zaburzenia, sam się z tym zmagam od wielu lat a do trego jeszce mam inne przypadlości w postaci chorób współisntniejących, nie jest łatwo nauczyć się pracować nad sobą ale nigdy nie jest za pózno aby stać się bardziej przystosowanym, pozdrawiam serdecznie wszystkich sluchaczy oraz kanal Daniel'a J.Fox'a.
Waking up first thing in the morning drowning in that tsunami though
Every day😁
Ditto😮😮😮
It’s tough when its like that right when you wake up. Have you identified any triggers that happen? For me it was the people i was around and the situation itself. But then it stopped happening right when i woke up anyway once that situation was changed. You can’t always change your situation either so i get that if you cant. Mine took a while. Also maybe coming up with a somewhat calm morning routine or trying metropalol if youre like waking up with panic attacks. Its a medicine (talk to your doctor of course) that lowers your heart rate and can help with having the feeling of a panic attack. It worked for me. Everyones different. I hope it helps though good luck ❤🎉
So rough. Everyday I find myself within the first 10 seconds of waking doing a bit of a mental self-examination. And it is pretty crushing when I realize I've just woken up and I'm already on the verge of crying. But there are also days where after the self-examination I realize, I feel good today.
As a kid I was facinated about a guy called Red Adair, he extinguished fires by using explosives. I think (or know from myself) that you need sth like that in order to fight BPD or worse NPD. You need sb who uses force to "break" your false believe of who you are. Everybody is different, but for me this is how things work!
"TSUNAMI" THATS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS ❤
Glad you found the video helpful
@DrDanielFox I have ADHD & Bipolar 1 and I think they complicate healing, big time!
Thank you for the compassion
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox You at an inspiration. I'm back to grad school at 51 to become a therapist focused here.
Thank you dr.fox , you see us and understand
One of your very best videos! My partner finally understood my behaviour. I can go a month or two without anything triggering me. And then I seem to go crazy on him. Just when I thought I was getting better, I have an episode that drives me to terrible things. I live in Canada and have been to many therapists who don’t seem to have any idea how to help. 4 of them have diagnosed me with BPD, but are unable to see me any longer than a few sessions. To get someone to listen for more than one session it’s 200.00. And if they don’t have your experience it’s a lot of money for a retired person. I’ve been suffering with this since childhood, and I’m 71. I’m not enjoying any of my life and there is probably not much of it left. I have your book and several binders full of DBT exercises. But it’s doesn’t do what face to face sessions would do. Any suggestions?
There are ways to get specialized therapy for free here in Canada-- but you usually a referal from a doctor or a referal service, (both of which you have to seek out online yourself) you'll typically have to go to a bigger city for specialized therapy, and there's usually a wait for free services.. I'm currently waiting up to 6 months for a mental health specialist in Ontario.
It's not easy.
I’m in Vancouver and DBT is free. Yes there was about a six month wait. It is helpful to some extent.
The “family in the head” I’ve heard referred to as “the committee” but “family in the head” is more accurate because it usually starts with your family.
That's a really insightful perspective! The way we internalize our family dynamics can definitely shape our thoughts and feelings.
Thank you so much for this video. It’s helped me very much.
Thank you . I am broken by the way my adult daughter has treated me .. I know I was a good mum . It’s been so hard to understand. I took it personally and it broke me . Then she had her baby taken off her by the authorities . .. Iv been so in the dark .. like a rabbit in the headlights.. your videos are a breakdown for me in understanding.
I’m glad they’re helpful for you.
Insight through Internal Family Systems is so helpful
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Schema therapy and DBT helps me. A lot of work goes into this.
After Lexapro cold turkey withdrawal damage, getting myself fired on purpose and living in isolation in a cluttered house with mold and maybe lead paint.. I started blocking and harassing family members on my phone. Now everyone is depressed like me. I may have brought down my own family..
It sounds like you're going through a really tough time. It's important to reach out for help and talk to someone who can support you through this. Remember, you're not alone in this journey.
I will keep you in my prayers
The wider conversation is that these higher levels of pathology are regressed to early life stages of dysfunction. The borderline in some ways functions with the negative emotionality of a baby (hypersensitivity, attachment dysfunction, object impermanence), in other ways it is a negative teenage emotionality (dysregulation, identity disturbance). And then the responses to collapsed state is usually psychopathic
Baby dysregulation + Teen dysregulation + Young adult dysregulation (Psychopathy)
This is not a good combo.
I would say narcissism is the pregnancy stage (false self) + the childhood stage (introjective identification, fantasies).
It's absolutely not intentional with me, I'm sparked and then I react and it's totally involuntary. I now avoid romantic relationships as a result.
This is my response too. To rather just not get into anything romantic anymore. ❤️
@@FofaBeijFeli maybe in the next life xx
I really hope there is treatable- even a little. Thank you
It's completely understandable to seek hope in treatment options. There are definitely ways to manage BPD, and many people find effective strategies that work for them.
It is emotional. Like everyone they feel stuff... But there is a lack of regulation. A lack of reasoning.
Emotions are a big part of the human experience, and navigating them without regulation can be quite challenging.
And it seems we feel more than most.
I like the tsunami analogy. Look out for what you can see coming vs wait until its too late
This is an excellent analysis. With me, recognizing the trigger is paramount. Keep in mind from the trigger to the tsunami is literally a nanosecond. There is a multitude of triggers, some the BPD person may not even know, much less recognize. Learning mentalization, DBT, and schema therapy can all lead to trigger management. It is a long road, but it is possible to improve.
Thank you for your insightful comment! Recognizing triggers is indeed crucial, and it's great to see you emphasizing that. The journey of understanding and managing those triggers can be challenging, but every step forward is a victory!
I'm great at it for others but when it's my own life it's hard
Hi, I have been with some woman who, apparently, did not have herself well under control. Every discussion, argument, conflict was escalated by her either into contemptuous sarcasm or yelling. Well, she was aware of that, and she admitted to be strongly driven by her emotions. But why did she not consider this as a serious problem which tormented her family of origin, her children and her partners. Because of two things: first, she doesn't care much about the wellbeing of others, and her aggressiveness is successful in that normal people tend to back down and rather not get into further trouble with her. So life has rewarded her innumerable times for her aggressive behaviour. So she has little incentive to change ... if her mother doesn't talk to her any longer, her partners desert her, her explanation is simply: I am surrounded by crazy people. And that's it. Hopeless. Call it BPD, call it narcissistic, antisocial, psychopathic ... it has elements of all of that.
It sounds like you’ve been through a challenging experience. Emotional regulation can be tough for many people, and it’s important for everyone to recognize how their behavior impacts those around them. Thank you for sharing your insights.
I agree. There is some reward in being unpredictable and intimidating people, especially one's family. The family cannot abandon one totally, so they are tiptoeing around a sick person in fear. It gives one the feeling of power. People with personality disorders can be quite manipulative.
@@DrDanielFox The point I wanted to make is that borderline-like behaviour is not solely a source of suffering, but also, and perhaps equally or even more important, a source of power and getting your way without having to argue in a civilised way. And yes, all this might be subconscious, and the 'perpetrators' are not even aware of that, particularly when they have a strong paranoid streak.
This is one of the things I have seen the most with people with bpd is often times they rewarded in some way for theor behavior whether the reward was intentionally or not and it reinforces the behavior.
And what's extremely hard about that is if you are one of the only people not rewarding them you become some awful person instead of someone that doesnt want to be an emotional punching bag
Thank you so much for sharing this info.
Thank you for your videos.
Awesome video. Thank you.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
my 73yr old mother is a narcissist and has BPD but is in complete denial. im now 53 n the hell she put me thru n still does there r no words for it😮
Same :(
My younger sister has a saying" don't be so EMO" it's not easy in dealing with her at all .she's a nurse..... And she can be cold toward others . I've always tried to get the gest person I know.....but no more will I runaround like a chicken with my head cut for others
Dr Fox,
Could you do a video on whether you need to tell your friends and loved ones that you have bpd? If so when is it a good time to tell someone you just meet a boyfriend or a new friend?
That's a really important topic to discuss! I'll definitely consider making a video about when and how to share that information with friends and loved ones. Thanks for the suggestion!
I think if you look at any diagnosis objectively, especially things that society tends to lean towards "it's their own fault, they made these choices" i.e. obesity or BPD, the only real conclusion is that these people are so negatively affected by their diagnosis that there is no reason to believe they are doing it intentionally or by choice.
Im scared to seek treatment. Im now 31 and the more I look into bpd the more it makes sense to me. It’s hard to find information pertaining to specifically me because I am gay. I self soothe with drugs and intimacy. I get consumed and overwhelmed in the moment of just seemingly endless anger and self destructive behavior. I am so tired of my life and just failing. Anything must be better than this.
I am a christian with quiet BPD. I can say that I do know when I am abusive. And I do stop it. But the thing that is hard to control is the emotional instability.
feels like holding in a sneeze
@@nonamegonzalez5711the same). But I overcame this BPD shit almost totally. It took 3 years of hard work.
What I’ve seen intentional, it becomes an excuse for all bad behavior.
Anyone who thinks that I intentionally act how I do is an asshole.
But I also kind of am starting to think that BPD is a BS label and that parent neglect and abuse causes this BS.
Thanx for your help ❤
I love your concept about BPD and family in the head.
I'm glad you enjoyed the concept! It's such an important topic, and I appreciate your support.
if some experts say _most_ people with bpd have childhood trauma who says that the other few that seemingly don't are even able to recognize their trauma or remember it? wouldn't it be weird if like 20% of people with bpd had no trauma at all but still the same set of symptoms (more or less) as people who developed this way out of trauma?
I think that’s where it comes from period
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
@@Unfilteredalyssa1227no it does not. That is a myth. There is genetic component for some. Not every child abused has bpd either
My ex was BPD..roller coaster of amazing and HORRIBLE.
She eventually hurt her own child physically in order to hurt and manipulate her ex husband and the court. Truly fucked up
I had PTSD from her abuse for YEARS
Remember kids, just because your friends are podcasting during a hurricane doesn't mean you should.
I’ve been binging Stephen Santouis & his BPD.
He gives talks to trainee psychiatrists, super interesting man
God bless you Dr. 🙏
Thank you so much for your kind words. I wish you well.
Do you have a video on how people with BPD can love someone and the way they love?
Appreciate your content
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Your approach is amazing. Are you taking onlunw patients? Its soo hard to find.good therapists that know AND care.
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
Yes Thankyou DR Daniel I have Severe Borderline Personality Disorder is that the worst on the scale . It breaks my heart. QUESTION.
Its a survival mechanism
Thanks for your insight! It's always interesting to hear different perspectives on survival.
You have wonderful videos! We would absolutely appreciate if you could make a video on how to convince BPD spouse for diagnosis and treatment. My wife always lies to her psychiatrist so, her doctor diagnosed her anxiety & depression. But she has severe symptoms of BPD. And she never admits it and doesn’t want to tell her true symptoms to her doc. So, she isn’t getting proper treatment and therapy. Please create a video on how to make BPD person understand to get the proper treatment. Thank you 🙏🏼
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
@@DrDanielFox Could you please make a video on how to convince BPD spouse for diagnosis and treatment?
Yes.. I just posted a similar post. I know you can't "make" anyone get treatment. But maybe some effective communication techniques to influence them???
Thankyou sir... Love from India.. 🙏
I'm so glad this video was helpful for you. I wish you well.
What if Samantha doesn't believe she needs help?
That’s where being stuck happens sadly
As far as identity is concerned with BPD, is it fair to conceptualize that an unstable identity is a disturbance in how you feel other people see you?
How can I find an expert witness to help with a case involving a woman with BPD?
7:30 was distracted and this caught my attention ngl 😂
Hi Dr Fox, I am working my way through your BPD workbook, it is such powerful work, you have laid it out in perfect order to learn about this spectrum disorder and release the issues and move into recovery. It's kind of mind blowing. I have two questions: Can you recommend a process at the end of the session that will bring us back around to hope, clarity and feeling successful? Doing the work is intense, and I feel a need to close it out with positivity.
Also, I meditate every morning, it is my spirituality, and I believe there are only two kinds of folks- those in alignment with their higher selves, and those not. Alignment can be minute by minute, it involves releasing resistance and receiving information from our highest selves, and my answers to your questions will change according to my alignment. For instance, working through Chapter 3 to find my attachment style, I can honestly say if I have done my centering work that morning in meditation, I can see that I fall into all four categories', if I am not in that warm comfy space of alignment. It's looking back at my past and recent past to asses myself. I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone but me, but please know we are all so so grateful for your videos and the workbooks.
I found it! I'll use this great little bit at the end of your symptom tracker. It makes me feel better right away "Insight is Knowledge, Knowledge is Power, and Power is Control!
Your videos are extremely helpful, however I need to PLAYFULLY point out that the thumbnail for the video’s words were in font/design of some Sonic The Hedgehog thing Id seen in the past and it was too funny a realization to not point out x)
When l really should remain calm it's hard sometimes
Can EFT-TAPPING therapy work for BPD? I have had success with the tapping techniques for self worth and feeling that I am enough, but I'd like to find a BPD oriented series of tappings.
Cant believe there are people here commenting that the people with bpd know exactly what they are doing.😢 Educate yourself,you are wrong! Very narcissistic comment!
Narcissists do know exactly what they are doing. Seems borderline doesn't know. Lots over overlap of behavior.
@@rosieE121 yep behavior overlap, but not intention or root cause overlap!
I swear this was my mother and my ex. One mnt we are ok. The next he is mad and paranoid. Always thought I was doing something when I wasn't and no matter what I did to prove to him he was wrong he disnt care. So then I'd walk away and 2 days later he was sorry. He drove me crazy
Glad you found this helpful
You just described me 100%...I am the Samantha you described
How can I fight u if u also have a sociopathy and are trying to take my 2 yr old away from based on false legal allegations? Any insight you can provide would be so helpful. I was an enabling husband of 5 yrs that served as complete support for her (without knowing) 😢
I think people confuse bpd with narcs. Real bpd is kinda like ptsd. With many behaviors even you dont understand or in my case remember. Loss of time line, ect shame over things, confusion, real abandonenent fears . I got hemriods over seperation axiety as young person. Horrible stuff a life struggle....be careful not to attract narcisistas.....we are like blood to a vampire to those evil s.o.b..
Forgive yourself and heal......,
NPD is linked to ptsd very much also. It has similar root unf.abuse and neglect in childhood with few different nuances and also the child temperament seems to be in a role in which direction it will show up the damage in adulthood.
Dear Daniel,
I have got married with my bpd wife in December 2023. After almost 1 year, for some mistake, she is splitted from me as saying, She doens't love me anymore. She tried. But failed to love me. She wants devorce. I apologise many way. But her word is fixed. Fortunately her parents are with me. They started her DBT. But my question, after dbt session, can she even remember me?? At present, she don't care our good times, good moments.
Even she is saying, the marriage is a mistake from her. Even she was srying for marriage before Marriage.
I am muslim, from Bangladesh.
What should I do? I want to be with my wife. But she has 0% interest. Few days ago, she loved a lot. Is there any way to be idealized again?
or how many days it will take for dbt? Can she be cure? Again be mine?
How does this stranger I've never met on the internet know me so well??? I guess I'm not so special and unique! lol
Wonderful video Dr Fox. I have some questions though: while no parent is perfect and certainly there are some who do abuse their children either intentionally or inadvertently, I dont see how that 'causes' bpd. How is it possible for one member of the family to be BPD while siblings are all 'normal' (I am using that word loosely here) if it is abuse or trauma that causes it? How much of a BPD's 'memory' of abuse is actually real given that they frequently move circumstances around to fit their narrative? Unless they stop blaming others for whats wrong,(and yes I do know I am generalising again,) how do they actually start benefitting from the DBT? Finally, do you have a 'workbook' for the families/spouses of BPD person to help them navigate and use the right words to calm and reassure the BPD and/or stop triggering the BPD.? I hope you will answer these questions for me :) xx
These are complex questions that the responses would take more space than I am allotted here. Sorry about that.
@@DrDanielFox Ok thankyou BUT do you have a workbook for the family/spouse to work through??
I want to take your video course, can you help me.
Yes you win 🎉
I wish that my future husband watch this and understand that I would never try to hurt him on purpose and will do my best to recover 😢I hope he doesn't leave me like my ex because of this 😢
Use this to develop strategies so you can mange these and build your own sense of control. You can do it.
How do you figure out their love language without asking them and setting them off?
It should be more than okay to ask that. I have BPD and yes everyone’s different but maybe say “hey i was wondering if you knew about the love languages and which one is yours? That way i can love you better and ill tell you mine” hope that helps 🎉
Not all had bad or abusive childhood. Many with abusive childhood did not develop bpd just like many without abusive childhood developed it. You are taking out those who have genetic propensity and then may have a trauma event later in life that spurs it to the surface.
You're absolutely right! The development of BPD is complex and can be influenced by a variety of factors, including genetics and life experiences. It's important to consider all angles when discussing mental health.
I feel l have been walking on eggshells fly off the handle little bit
So much debris l feel like a tornado little bit emotional rollercoaster 🎢
Do you take clients?
Thank you for asking, but I'm not taking client's at this time.
Googling your area and DBT therapy can help you find someone who accepts clients with BPD traits 😊
Also, Dr. Fix has a wonderful video course available that is about the same cost as a visit or two with a therapist. While no substitute for the care of in person therapy, his experience with thousands of patients with BPD traits provides invaluable insight. It is very different from the RUclips videos in that it gives more specific concrete therapeutical solutions to common BPD issues. Well worth it!)
Fruedian slip there, Dr. Fix!)