When suffering from limerence, can we be friends with our Limerent Object
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- Опубликовано: 28 авг 2024
- A common asked question, certainly in the earlier days of limerence, why can't we remain friends with the limerent object?
If you are impacted by limerence, check out the community I founded in 2015 at limerence.net
We have a free forum, private members only forum, an online video program and regular zoom meetings plus other support. Id love to see you there and hear your story.
Dr. David Perl, couples counsellor, relationship coach and psychotherapist
After I went no contact with my limerent object, I kept dreaming about her and thinking about her every day for 3 years. Then, I ran into her 3 years after that. I felt something very strong in my chest, but when I got home, I realized it was finally over.
I became limerent for someone I only saw as a friend, though he liked me. Years of friendship didnt trigger anything, but not seeing him for years DID trigger it. I know that if I ever saw him again, or talked to him in person, I would remember what I've always known, that we're only friends and that he really isn't my type enough. Your story kind of reminds me of my situation!
thank u for sharing
wow, thanks for sharing.
Mine lasted 6 years. It didn’t help that she kept coming to my place of work saying she missed me every time she broke up with a new boyfriend. Now she’s engaged, and I think I’m finally free
@@anthonyflohr58 are your feelings for her gone?
Hurts like hell to walk away but it will hurt more to stay in the delusion of remaining as friends. Wanna stay on the pain carousel? Everyone has a choice but coming from one who just cut ties... my heart is grieving the disconnect but I know I have to hurt just that little bit more to heal and hurt a little less day by day.
Strength and courage to you my sensitive love forelorn warriors. Heal to love yourselves again.
A big hug to you all. You can do this.
You are as powerful as the love that Limerence embodies itself in. You are love. Never be afraid to express your emotions. Be genuine but most of all be true to yourself
Thank you. Love this.
I realised as a teenager I had annorexia and at its root was not feeling lovable. As an adult I have love annorexia, quite the challenge ever allowing a man into my life or even to date etc. I have become very sort of frigid over years of having love annorexia. I can give love but a part of me is unwilling to receive it. That or any intimacy
@@juliaskagfjord6207 Hi Julia. Thankyou for sharing. The hardest thing in life is to love ourselves hey? I hope you soon find your inner beauty and can learn to share your beautiful heart with others. Tell yourself you are loveable exactly as you are every single day. Write it up somewhere "I love myself, I love Julia" where you can see it everyday. My energy teacher taught me this to learn to not only love myself but to also like myself.
Sending you a big big hug darl. Intimacy will unfold beautifully once you trust and love YOU.
Thanks for listening to me💐💗
WARNING: Very long post incoming...
18 months ago I was reaccquainted with this particular person within a private group setting. We'd met some years prior but soon fell outta touch and forgot about each other. This time we ended up getting along well and it turned out that we both in fact live within very close proximity. Each Sunday a few of us would meet to put the world to rights etc, and she and I would walk to the meetings together.
After some time I fired my shot and was offered the 'friendzone', which was disappointing but not wholly surprising, given that she is very attractive and had shown no signs of interest, and I was honestly okay with it. I thought it was still cool to at least have a hot friend, y'know? This feels like a big mistake now, but just perhaps, in the long run I made the right choice.
Gradually we would grow closer, and I've learned that she's very distrustful of men due to a very traumatic experience only a few years ago. She told me that I'm one of only three men she's comfortable being alone with, and even then it's only in public. So I appreciate that I am in fact important to her, but only as a friend.
Up until fairly recently, I still had a handle on our 'platonic' status, despite yearning for more each time I saw her, but started noticing more her laments on loneliness, having nothing to do or no one to talk to, questioning her life's purpose, half joking that the answer to her problems is to either marry a rich man or just become a nun, and it started to really hurt. Not only because I live a virtual stone's throw away and am romantically available, but because she has declined multiple invites to meet up or just talk on the phone, outside of our semi-regular meets with one other person (at this point), who happens to be an older lady.
We do however, occasionally meet one-on-one so I raised this with her in person, to which she apologised and insisted that it's nothing personal, but she is still somewhat insecure about socialising with anybody, thinking that something will eventually go wrong, and telling me that she'd prefer I set certain times to meet, rather than leave open invites, which I understood and accepted.
Unfortunately though I still couldn't shake the burning frustration that if only she reciprocated my attraction, that we would have the best time together, and the feeling is greatly exacerbated when meeting in person.
The solution then is surely to cut her off completely; but I know that if I did, I would regret it, BECAUSE 1) I do genuinely value and care about her as a friend, as she does me, and 2) Because I also know that there other women out there, not just this one, and my feelings are largely due to having no one else on the radar and just seeing things through a microscope.
So as painful as it can be to be in limerence/love with a non-reciprocating friend, one needs to step back and develop an abundance mind-set, and appreciate what one has, over what one hasn't. I know as well as the next person that this is easier said than done, but it's the only sensible recourse if you consider your connection with your LO important enough to conserve.
The friendzone can only exist through lack of potential options and a failure to have things in perspective. I would hazard a guess that the vast majority in this situation are not necessarily in love, but starved of decent options, and would suggest to anyone reading this who is in the same boat, to look at the wider world rather than making your own world about one person who doesn't see you as you see them.
Alternatively, save yourself this dilemma by nipping it in the bud and rejecting the offer of friendship from the start. Remember we still have the choice to either grin and bear it, or walk. As of now I am doing the former and working on my perspective. If I find I can no longer handle it then I will have to distance myself. The idea/hope being that it never comes to that, but ultimately my own mental well-being trumps any friendship.
Think that about covers it. Sorry for the length, hope it helps anyone reading.
@@StonyStevenson75 Sounds like she is an Alpha Widow. Would suspect she was shopping outside her market value and may have limerence herself. We can never negotiate genuine attraction. Getting a girlfriend provides her with social proof that other women find you desirable. But alas, most all men will never have a woman's soul. She's not yours, it's just your turn.
I tried to follow similar advice three times for the same LO and each time I fell into the deepest depressions I have ever experienced. I was suicidal. It scared me that I was losing my will to hold onto life, as so many people depended on me. I had to reverse track and accept a slower path, and try keeping in mind the reality of the situation, learning about limerence, catching my magical thinking and getting grounded whenever I spotted the need. This has been a very long journey but the feelings of addiction are slowly weakening. Unfortunately the weaker those feelings get, the more dead I feel. I think it’s important to know yourself and balance risk. It’s not as simple as this video makes out. Be safe and take care of yourselves, that might look different for different people.
Have you been working on the underlying issues? Why is it that you pursue LOs? As long as you keep working on your core wounds and SETTING STRONG BOUNDARIES with those who initiated those patterns in you, you will grow out of the pattern.
I hear you. Take care of yourself, your life is valuable
No contact for me doesn't work as I just vanish into fantasy land, 18 years with my first one, even having boyfriends I never saw them as end goal because of the LO even though I'd not seen him in so so many years. Now my recent LO is 3 years and I've just blocked him for my own wellbeing but I don't expect it to make a blind bit of difference. The best way to beat it would be to get to know the person in their entirety and realise who they actually are in real life so your fantasies are smashed to pieces. They will never live up to the imaginary object you are in love with.
I feel your pain about fantasy land, I basically live there and confronting any kind of reality is so painful I just get drunk to forget, which only makes it worse. It's the constant daydreaming and crushing back-to-earths that is such exhausting torture. My first was from about aged 16 to 30 and I think that set me on course to do it again and again. My LO told me she's not interested in anything more than friendship and she's seeing a friend of mine. Still fantasizing. Wish there was an off switch.
hes married with a child....getting to know whom exactly? "let me get to know you so that one day i might throw you away"..lol
so sorry to hear. That's incredibly long time.
Spot on
I think that your advice is really good, that's why to me contact feels less comfortable than cutting contact. Maybe it doesn't work in some cases though, in cases when face to face the person fits your fantasy enough to feed the obsession. I am not sure which one is my case.
Thank you Dr. Perls. You are absolutely right. No contact is the way to go. We cant be " just friends," letting go of the LO so we can heal and rediscover ourselves, rebuild ourselves....its an awful struggle, but it's the only way.....
If your relationship to the person has no other redeeming characteristics, then yeah, I can see that. But if your LO is otherwise a good friend, I see it as quite selfish just to completely abandon them.
@@jason_v12345 yeah but it just feels like I’m being a bad person by just dropping her all of a sudden all because of a problem I created.
@@jason_v12345 Sorry, but that's not true. If you remain in any relationship out of guilt or pity, they you're repeating the pattern that sets you up for Limerence.
@@jason_v12345 in a normal circumstance this is true but with the painful suffering of limerence and eventually seeing them be with someone else will will fuel your limerence even more due to the unavailability, this needs to be done, if your friend knew the type of pain you are in they would also want you to leave, recover and be happy if they were a good person. They wouldn’t want you to stay just because they are good people but suffer indefinitely. I know I wouldn’t want that for any of my friends.
Many factors can make complete distancing almost impossible and rude as it can affect many people related to the two of them...friends, family, and the activities done within the social network we both belong to.
The ideal in this case, would be for the person suffering from limerece to work on getting over the LO and get to see them as any other friend. I have been able to do that, but it definitely does take work, courage and determination.
You never get over them if you keep them in your life.
@@aktchungrabanio6467 Hard but true. Limerence lost me a friendship now probably. She is a good person but the limerence just made me lose control. So don't stay in friendship when you feel limerence. It doesn't work.
This is exactly the situation I'm in and what I'm trying to do. Would you please provide some advice?
@@Vladimyrful I managed to get rid of the limerence to my friend mostly while keeping the friendship, so there is hope. To be fair though she lives in another country so that makes it way easier, as we barely see each other and mostly kept in touch through social media. Anyway I disclosed to her, then 0 contact, then we meet during New Years irl and had a really good time, we keep the friendship, and now we don't have much contact since I don't want too. Limerence is almost gone and that solved it for me. But be careful about disclosing. Try limit contact and find other things to do. Good luck!
I agree with you. Some of my LEs only ended with no contact. Others ended when I made a similar inner commitment to let go of them, but didn't change my social circle completely. I think there are a lot of factors in both scenarios, including the intentions and behavior of the LO. It might be similar to an alcoholic who knows they can't let any alcohol past their lips, but sometimes can go to a wedding where others are drinking and maintain their sobriety. The intention is important, and the acceptance that you have an addiction
No contact is the only way of recovery and readjustment. It worked for me.
It was a relief.
I remember having a crush throughout middle school I barely knew him and I waisted 4 years waiting for him and he even told me he didn’t want me, my friends told me he didn’t want me and I just didn’t listen. I’ve been fucked uo since childhood
You're not the only one. I hope you find some peace.
All of this is absolutely true. I'd add that even after acceptance any reappearance of the LO in your life, even years later, can result in another limerent episode and you have to go again through the entire torturous process.
There’s a song called Limerence-Yves Tumor. It’s a really authentic sounding song. It could help you feel emotions and help to accept them
I am having this right now. As time progresses it gets worse. If I get the feeling she is getting absent I start to feel suicidal. Last time this happened I went to a hypnotherapist every two months. This went on for 2 years (the amount of years I had to work with her).
Now the same thing, I work with another girl this time and I can't stay friends. Now I'm glad I'm do not feel anxious when I talk to her. I'm exhausted and my obsession is killing me...
This attitude seems rather simplistic to me. While it might be true of a drug addict, you really cannot compare another human being (the LO), with needs and emotions of their own, to an inanimate object like an illicit narcotic. Depending on the nature of the relationship, there may be justification for maintaining certain aspects of the relationship, and there may be some alternative means of achieving that. For me, the question is complex and the answer equally complex. If it really were as simple as this video claims, then there would be no need to consult an expert at all.
I disagree. I think he really nailed it. It very much feels like an addiction.
@@cargorilla It can certainly depend on the circumstances, but when you're the one giving all and getting nothing in return but lip-service, this advice is solid gold. Even when it can be very, very hard to hear. It is exactly like breaking an addiction.
He’s thinking symbolically. Everything is symbolic
@@cargorilla It IS an addiction. He is right, you HAVE to make distance with your LO and work on your own patterns.
He's right it will never work in any capacity
Basically no contact is like going cold turkey. I think that’s very difficult and unrealistic. Maybe weaning yourself off from the lo is better
I needed to hear this so bad right now. Thanks for being straight forward and not sugar coating it or giving me false hope. 👊🏻
It was a bit humiliating to tell my LO what was on my mind. I divulged my thinking was delusional etc...even though he rejected me I acknowledged this fact to him but then on a different day i might ask him out. So the mind flip is ridiculous. I am sure I looked like the worlds hugest fool in his eyes..but my comming clean with limmetence is the only thing that got him to quit ghosting me and actually confirm his disinterest.
I respect the courage. I going to do the same soon, 😫
How did it go?
20 years of wishing "happy birthday" on social networks. Nothing more, it was fine. Then a short exchange, a bot more than usual. Then I decided to keep silence, since she said it's weird to receive those congratulations so many years later, and I wrote her so. A couple of years passed, and THEN it got bad, really bad, especially since I got an impression, like she has blocked me (not true, it turns out), not communicating was one thing, being the freak, the monster she decided to block was something completely different.. So I'm not sure the advice of cutting all ties is a good one.
However, my case might not be a typical one. I discovered I got ADHD (now it's diagnosed), and that mental torture likely was caused by RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria).
Anyways, turns out, cancer took her mere months after our last exchange, thus grief was added on top of limerence, that phase lasted for some 4 months really badly and went away in around 11 months after I found out about her death.
I’ve done no contact before. It hasn’t worked long term. And all I’ve really lost is a friend. I think you have to replace limerence with something else like exercise or a hobby or something.
Exactly. Comparing another human being to a lifeless, emotionless drug is just not accurate or realistic.
I thought about the same person everyday for two years, even when I couldn’t see them for a year due to quarantine… and then I became obsessed with another person and I completely forgot about the first person. It’s like the addiction got transferred.
@@esther9210 transference is 0ne of d ways to kill the limerence in a pers0n... but yes, u wil have an0thr LO
@@bacsterbacx4110 After reading ur comment and another comment that said “u can’t be limerent for two ppl at the same time,” I transferred the limerence once again, but this time on purpose. The obsession I had before was rllyy bad and I knew that it was unhealthy to not do something about it. So I transferred it to someone who may have the same feelings for me, and I’m going to try to not make it as intense as the last😅wish me luck
@@esther9210 Please tell me how you transfer! I think that's impossible for me. Best of luck though!
Deep gratitude for giving the examples... Really thank you.
I so agree with you. I still love me LO 2 years after the break up and thinking of her makes me hope that one day we might be together when I know that there is so little chance that she still loves me or even want to be with me. If she was limerent with me i would want her to heal and not suffer the lost the way I am suffering. I hope that one day I can be just friend but i love her so much that today I couldn't see her happy with another person without feeling so hurt. Loves hurt and i still love her so it is better to stay no contact. I am gone from her live but she is not gone from mine
Only way to end limerence is getting clearly rejected by our LO object, no matter how insulting it seems. That's the only way according to my experience. If we don't move on with 100% belief , we would go back to the same person even after 5 years.
We work within a few feet of each other. No contact isn’t an immediate solution for me. I will say that when I’m away from work for even a few days I begin to feel normal again i.e. less limerent.
Sucks when we work with them
As an addict also, it is hard to hear this. I can understand why people are so resilient against it... i can't imagine going no contact right now, but i guess that makes sense.
I do not agree cutting off from our LO's is good for us. We need to be open and honest with them, for our sake, and not be afraid if the end result is not what we want. I think we just tend to fall hard for people (our LOs). But its how we do it. How we fall in love. We aren't capable of any other way. So push ahead. Tell your LO. Communicate how you feel to your LO but acknowledge that this is just how you are. This is the best way. I it is critical that we remain confident in ourselves and constantly be aware of our own individuality while we wait for our insane emotional levels slowly come back to normal.
i do agree that the best thing is to tell, to confront reality and then to cut contact.
You're so right. In this video, he is wrong about cutting off LO like a piece of cake. It's not that simple. It's easier said than done. Only a person who had or have limerence know this.
According to what I've experienced, cutting off LO only works if we gets rejected by our LO and got disappointed many times. There's no other way. If we simply cut LO, ghosts him out of nowhere, we gonna go back again and again. So, i started having limerence at the age of 13 and i told him everything clearly, after getting rejected , disappointed many times. I was able to forget him after 5 years. We should have that anger and heat for our LO with zero hopes, because a person in Limerence out their LO on pedestal.
Unfortunately, after that incident, because of constant traumatic and toxic situation at home, i started having limerence again at the age of 23. This guy is in another country and we got connected through matrimonial app for marriage purpose. I decorate a fantasy world with him. I'm going to be 25 this December so it's been more than one year since he came into my life. He's the man of morals. I'd like him even if i didn't had limerence. He's the man I look for myself. Because he is amazing, my mind makes him as LO. Unluckily, he is shy and anxiety issues when it comes to talk to someone which becomes a barrier in our conversation. Things are vague , we are intercaste , different states, different countries. But yes, I'm his ideal woman and he is my.... I'm afraid, even if I put efforts , will things go forward between the two of us. I know I'd not be able to leave him by ghosting him, blocking him. That's what many YTubers are suggesting. I want to put the efforts in this relationship. Could you have some suggestion?
One another way to end limerence is having access to your LO's life. I've seen that Limerence gets intense when our LO is unavailable or we don't have access in his life.
NO CONTACT is the ONLY WAY! Even if they are your friend. You have to break it off. Sometimes telling them is worse than cutting them off no warning. Ask me how I know. That friendship is dead in the water, move on and heal! Millions of people on this planet!
No contact will work eventually. But quitting your job, your hobbies or certain friend groups because of romantic obsession will really take a toll on your overall life experience.
I'd try to find a way first to peacefully coexist so you don't have to give them that much control over your life.
But if it's possible without collaterals (eg an ex or an acquaintance that you can just stop seeing), then go no contact.
Why does it hurts so much l? I physically feel sick
With each person having different mental formations, how can this be the only solution for each person?
Each person will learn how to face this and overcome this in a different journey.
Transfer attention to yourself, your betterment, peace and security.
I am going through this now with my limerent girl. I cannot do the "Just be friends" thing, wish i could, it's not her fault. Trying to do the no contact but she is a work collegue and it is almost impossible. Very difficult time for me. Great video and advice though, i agree...you must try to sever all ties if you can.
My question is that is it possible to reestablish a healthy connection with your limerent object after you addressed limerence?
In my situation I work with my LO, so no contact is not an option. I'm always glad to see her, and want to hear what's going on in her life, more than the usual, "how're you today" platitudes. But its not reciprocated, and I find myself wanting to blame her for erecting walls and keeping me out.
I'm fully aware (at least I am now since yesterday when I found out the word Limerance existed...lol) its my issue and I want to do something about it. My thought is I'll tell her how it feels like she's pulling back from me, allowing that I could be wrong, and see where the conversation goes from there. If it scares her off, or triggers her in some other way, I'll change the subject, knowing I gave it a shot, also realizing her response is my answer, that she doesn't have the same regard for me that I do for her, and I can move on, painful as it is.
I also have to admit to the possibility that my "coming clean" with her is a subconscious attempt at manipulation, that she'll be so impressed with my "honesty" that she'll see what a wonderful person I am and what she's missing out on (I'm actually laughing as I type this).
So, yes, my motivation may be murky but doing nothing doesn't seem like an option. Being "stuck" is been there/done that/still doing that.
Feedback?
This is long so buckle up! 18 months ago I was reaccquainted with this particular person within a private group setting. We'd met some years prior but soon fell outta touch and forgot about each other. This time we ended up getting along well and it turned out that we both in fact live within very close proximity. Each Sunday a few of us would meet to put the world to rights etc, and she and I would walk to the meetings together.
After some time I fired my shot and was offered the 'friendzone', which was disappointing but not wholly surprising, given that she is very attractive and had shown no signs of interest, and I was honestly okay with it. I thought it was still cool to at least have a hot friend, y'know? This feels like a big mistake now, but just perhaps, in the long run I made the right choice.
Gradually we would grow closer, and I've learned that she's very distrustful of men due to a very traumatic experience only a few years ago. She told me that I'm one of only three men she's comfortable being alone with, and even then it's only in public. So I appreciate that I am in fact important to her, but only as a friend.
Up until fairly recently, I still had a handle on our 'platonic' status, despite yearning for more each time I saw her, but started noticing more her laments on loneliness, having nothing to do or no one to talk to, questioning her life's purpose, half joking that the answer to her problems is to either marry a rich man or just become a nun, and it started to really hurt. Not only because I live a virtual stone's throw away and am romantically available, but because she has declined multiple invites to meet up or just talk on the phone, outside of our semi-regular meets with one other person (at this point), who happens to be an older lady.
We do however, occasionally meet one-on-one so I raised this with her in person, to which she apologised and insisted that it's nothing personal, but she is still somewhat insecure about socialising with anybody, thinking that something will eventually go wrong, and telling me that she'd prefer I set certain times to meet, rather than leave open invites, which I understood and accepted.
Unfortunately though I still couldn't shake the burning frustration that if only she reciprocated my attraction, that we would have the best time together, and the feeling is greatly exacerbated when meeting in person.
The solution then is surely to cut her off completely; but I know that if I did, I would regret it, BECAUSE 1) I do genuinely value and care about her as a friend, as she does me, and 2) Because I also know that there other women out there, not just this one, and my feelings are largely due to having no one else on the radar and just seeing things through a microscope.
So as painful as it can be to be in limerence/love with a non-reciprocating friend, one needs to step back and develop an abundance mind-set, and appreciate what one has, over what one hasn't. I know as well as the next person that this is easier said than done, but it's the only sensible recourse if you consider your connection with your LO important enough to conserve.
The friendzone can only exist through lack of potential options and a failure to have things in perspective. I would hazard a guess that the vast majority in this situation are not necessarily in love, but starved of decent options, and would suggest to anyone reading this who is in the same boat, to look at the wider world rather than making your own world about one person who doesn't see you as you see them.
Alternatively, save yourself this dilemma by nipping it in the bud and rejecting the offer of friendship from the start. Remember we still have the choice to either grin and bear it, or walk. As of now I am doing the former and working on my perspective. If I find I can no longer handle it then I will have to distance myself. The idea/hope being that it never comes to that, but ultimately my own mental well-being trumps any friendship.
Think that about covers it. Sorry for the length, hope it helps you and anyone else reading.
@@StonyStevenson75 Great, thoughtful post! Thanks. I went back and re-read what I posted, and I have this update:
I did "come clean" with my LO. Told her how I was thinking about her, even as I knew she was unavailable. I even admitted how I could be trying to manipulate her, saying certain things hoping for a desired response, hoping she'd realize I was a "one-in-a-million" kind of guy. But what if she has no interest in someone who's unlike everyone else?...lol.
Anyway, I felt a lot better afterwards, and I no longer look for excuses to initiate conversations with her, so I no longer invest emotional energy in "what-if-I-say-this-will-she-think-I'm-wonderful" scenarios. There's a sense of loss, but also relief.
So now I let her initiate conversations with me, and if she doesn't, well, at least I avoid the fantasy world. That's one question I have for you after reading your post: Is it always up to you to initiate contact, or does she come forward at times? If you're ok with always being the initiator, so be it, but that's something I don't want to do anymore.
@@broadcasttttable No worries, it's good to connect with someone in a similar boat!
These days it's usually her who initiates contact, believe it or not. Since what happened to her she walks a much stricter line and prefers to be in control of when and where meetings take place. So I just leave it until she feels like socialising. I might initiate some brief text chat in the meantime as I would any other mate. But it's usually her texting first about meeting in person. We generally see each other a few times p/m. Naturally she's also very guarded but is becoming more open the more she gets to know and trust me.
Which of course means however, that I still don't know her that well myself. I've been under the impression that she's basically taken herself off the market, and is unavailable to anyone romantically and/or intimately, but on consecutive coffee meets she first joked about marrying a rich man, then next time said she should just become a nun, cause at least she'd be happy! Which suggested to me that she might be on the market for the 'right' one after all.
I guess I'm so far into the friendzone that it didn't even cross her mind how I may've taken it! The more I thought about it, the more I felt insulted, albeit unintentionally on her part. But it also increased the desire and the frustration of not having her! If only she fancied me it would solve all our problems! But she'd rather be lonely and miserable!! I even started feeling resentment but at the same time had never wanted her more!
Pathetic, right?! Yes.
We went for a walk 10 days ago which of course only served to exacerbate this new, accursed 'limerent' state in which I've found myself, so I've had to do some soul searching and put things in perspective. It's important to know what's going on here. The LO is NOT your star crossed lover and there IS a logical explanation for your belief in that fallacy.
As I said before, wanting someone who doesn't want us is due to scarcity mentality, lack of options, desperation, and low self-esteem. Now I know this I can be friends with her again without the yearning. She has whatever reasons for not reciprocating and I can accept that now without feeling butt-hurt or depressed because it's now set in stone that she's not the right one for me either.
We are worthy of someone who is deserving of us and above torturing ourselves over someone who isn't. Never put anyone on a pedestal again.There are more attractive and suitable partners out there than we'll ever meet, and whether you pursue any of them or not, it's always important to remember that they're out there.
At the peak of all this I too had the compulsion to remind her I was available, now we know each other a little better, and of course was reminded in turn that we'll always just be friends. But yes it was very much a relief for me too because I needed to know for sure, and now that I do I can move past it. At the end of the day you gotta help yourself outta the rut because you're wasting your life in there for absolutely nothing.
@@StonyStevenson75 hey stony. Just out of curiosity, how has everything been between you and them? It’s been a few months since you posted this. I’m in a situation where I have those feelings for a friend but I know they aren’t into me. I haven’t told them about anything simple because I know they won’t want anything like that with me. I value my friendship with them and I know they value mine as well so I wish to keep a connection with them even if it’s just occasionally keeping in touch through messaging. I want to see if it’s possible. I want to move forward with my life and find someone that I know would want to be with me. I know I will never be with my friend but I want to still have some kind of connection with them as I work to move on from the feelings I have because I know we both value each other. Has your situation improved over these few months? Or have you had to stop speaking to them?
My best friend of 23 years was my LO when we first began hanging out. I got over the limerence within the six months of hanging out with him. I can honestly say that I have ZERO limerence for him (and even wonder how I ever did in the first place, because we are dissimilar in many ways), and have a great friendship with him. How do you explain that? How did I do that?
Can we be in platonic limerence cuz I feel like that’s what I’m going thru and it’s actually driving me crazy
I’m really hoping I can stay close friends with this person forever but I also don’t want them to be consuming my thoughts 24/7
how you did that?
because when you first started hanging out you didn't know him well, so you imagined all the rest of him, and you imagined it to be amazing and perfect, and you fell in love with your own imaginary version of him and all the things you would do together in the future. Then you continued to hang out with him for months and saw his real flaws, got to know the real him. once you knew him well; it replaced the fantasy aspects of him with the real version. The fantasy was erased by reality.
@@Rbattam That seems right to me and I've been reminded of times when I began to experience limerence with people, who were rude, or downright angry, towards me while getting to know them, so it was replaced with anxiety and fear, which is definitely a way of stopping it! 😊
I think bc he didn’t reciprocate your romantic (?) feelings.
you realised that you cant be with him like that/ like your fantasies and could started a friendship
This has been the most disregulating and painful thing in my life. The pain is not about the object but what they triggered in me…old attachment trauma…but no contract is the best.
Well if you have been in friendly contact with them, you want to be kind enough to let the person you're going to ghost them. Let them know that you're going to withdraw. Because being treated in alienating ways, and then ghosted out of nowhere doesnt feel so good (or even safe) either and they cannot choose. I have been at the receiving end of limerence and I have had my share of therapy over how people treated me.
Ugh. I’m shattered 😢
But he’s kind long distance, and we haven’t even met IRL yet… and maybe seeing him in person will make things clearer
@@eyecheri you have to convince yourself that every single thought of them is a coated in limerence (no exception, no matter what it looks like), and shut it down as soon as u realise, then distract. After a week of this I noticed some relief. Good luck with ur recovery though! ❤️🩹
And don’t forget to be easy on yourself, ur allowed to make mistakes! 🤗
Same situation for me too, he stays very far away and i can't even go to meet him ig knowing him irl and seeing the real him will get over my limerence of him......i didn't even contacted him for more than a month but he did texted me...in this one month there was no difference...so ig no contact isn't the solution
This is what happened to me recently. I got so frustrated to my online friend (who I haven't met irl) when he rejected me & told me that he's dating someone. I cut off contact for weeks but knew that it wasn't working. When we talked over socmed again, I didn't feel needy and I didn't rely my emotions to him anymore. that's when I knew that my limerence is over because the rush wasn't there anymore. I just kept on thinking about his negative traits, diverting and keeping myself busy whenever the thought that we will meet in the future crosses my mind. I did a big mind rewiring and that's how I helped myself move on.
What if they’re a dear family friend? How do we cope? How can I just leave him behind and not his whole family? I love them all and him normally as well. I’m heartbroken imagining leaving them all. I just want to be normal. I’m an addict and I have ocd and it’s so hard to know if I should approach this by doing exposures or avoiding. This is ruining my life.
That must be hard. I truly hope things work out for you. Please seek help with this ❤️
Just confirmation that I did the right thing in the end
For how long now ? It has been 6months for me and i still can't shake the feeling
@@plainsaw3771 it’ll be a year in May. I still think about him too lol but oh well
@@plainsaw3771 it’s been 2 years, how are you now?
What if that person is your colleague who you have to say hello and can't avoid small talks.
No.. Especially when LO have narcisstic tendencies who love being a friend with backup supply and will giving you a little crumbs
Thank you, I was worried if I made the right decision.
I do not want to be friends with him we work together and I hate that I even put myself in that situation. I fell from grace Thank The Lord because he is a nice person but he did not treat me very well. I’m ok with never seeing him again but he’s addicted to being part of me in some way he staying connected. I feel like the more I pull away the stronger his grip gets the more frantic he gets to figure out why I’m so distant and suddenly changed. We argued for 2 weeks straight about him not meeting my standards and him lots of of promises. I need to disconnect.
You are beautiful and worthy
of unconditional happiness and love,
it is your divine birthright.
Nobody can take your essence away from you.
Prayer to say before sleep...
In the Name of Jesus
I close all portals and gateways,
in all realms and dimensions,
binding access to both my conscious and subconscious
as well as my spirit being,
I bind plans and attempts to project evil against me and on to me.
God knows the plans he has for me
they are for good
and not evil.
I bind every abominable act of darkness and every attack of evil.
I release the spirit of the Living LOVING God
to come forth and fill up all my realms and dimensions,
all my portals and gateways,
my conscious and subconscious,
my spirit, body, mind, soul, and also my flesh,
my earthly land and my spiritual inheritance!
HALLELUJAH!
So be it. So it is. It is done.
All is well in my world!
Thank you every much🙏
Excellent video.
My LO is getting married. Thank god lol.
I know how hard it is. That's my future. I have LO on a 30 year old man , which is going to be married anytime.
@@mahiaggarwal6286I’m so sorry I can’t imagine how hard that must be, I dread that to happen to my LO.
It’s pure torture no euphoria
@@tjfSIM I’m right there with you, but I think it’s getting better, I’m trying to keep myself very busy and I’m trying to study things I’m very interested in intensely and trying to reach out to new people as much as possible, I don’t know… these are coping strategies, but are good to do anyway.
@@hawthornetree646 Pure torture here too, I'd love to do something to occupy the mind and body but can't concentrate on anything. Glad it's getting better for you, gives me hope.
@@Wolfbanger5000 I wish I could say more to make you feel better. It helps me to know that so many people have very similar experiences. I spent over a year, almost every minute of the year preoccupied, if you can believe that. Hope you can find some sort of exercise to do, you can do that even if it’s hard to concentrate the mind on doing other things. It won’t last forever.
@@hawthornetree646 Thanks. I'd only just learned about limerence today. Didn't know it had a name, just thought I was a hopeless obsessive. It definitely helps to know that it's not just you, though knowing this I truly feel for your pain and that of everyone who suffers from this. Good luck and thank you!
@@tjfSIM It won't kill you, and you're not powerless! Stay strong
but if a see this person everyday because of work, like I'm actively communicating with her because of work. What to do here?
Excellent video!!
What is your LO is your colleague who is working with you everyday?
How do we cope up when it is a work colleague and we would need to interact.
In my case it happens to be my oncologist. After 20 years he started to court me for half a year. Besides showing him I'm attracted to him too nothing else happened. He no longer talks to me. For me it's not about stopping the contact and not be friends. I very unfortunately loose the thoroughest doctor I ever had.
It’s cause it is not appropriate for a doctor to have feelings or be romantic with a patient. He could lose his license and get sued if it happened with the wrong one. He probably got scared of that.
I had to get rid of my so called best friend
I know that NC is better, but it's so difficult. I did not see my LO for almost 9 months, but we are in contact with texting every day. After a message i feel a little bit better, but than sad, i cry and depressed. I even cannot image that all this is happening to me. HELP.
How are you now?
I work with them. I'm going crazy for 6 years
But then you just fond another one down the line ...how to help yourself - how to fill that thing inside you that is so needy ? How do u do that? How do u give it to yourself so u do not keep finding LO's ? do u just have to keep cutting off each one as it comes up .
What if they are in your social circle where you cannot cut them out?
People are not substances.
People are much more addictive
im think i can let go easily but it's not possible because she works at same place as me and it's not possible to avoid her even if i want to , getting a new job just because of that is the only way?
We can remain friends. It's common sense.
Very true it just won't work
So “IF” your father would have properly grieved his trauma you would not have become limerant??
I am in that boat... Going from denial to anger to sadness...
I never believe a man n woman can be friends thought. If u fancy her n it's not returned... Drop her and move on immediately. Do not go friendzone and do not hang in there waiting n hoping. That's just disrespectful to ur self and a form of self torture..
You are worth more.
But...I work with my LO....
No,,
No
Nope
No. That’s called being a Simp