My story of limerence, the symptoms and causes
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- Опубликовано: 16 июл 2024
- A candid discussion on my own journey through limerence, made in 2017, quite a few years after getting limerence.
If you are impacted by limerence, check out the community I founded in 2015 at limerence.net
We have a free forum, private members only forum, an online video program and regular zoom meetings plus other support. Id love to see you there and hear your story.
Dr. David Perl, couples counsellor, relationship coach and psychotherapist
Uncertainty fuels limerence. Wow. Profound.
I had never heard of this being coined as a psychological term and was surprised to find i had experienced this 2x in my life. During the most internally difficult time.
I began to believe that it is a form of anti depressant coping mechanism that helps us to continue to cope in our lives and helping us to not go down deeper into a depression.
Mine were not real people in my life. It was like having an imaginary friend; always there to be a friend, to listen, share and be loved by.
this.
Yes it's a coping strategy
Thanks for sharing thoughts. I didnt know it can be that way.
This makes a lot of sense to me! And a lot of people that I hear that talk about limerence it usually does occur during very hard moments in life. I know it did for me.
I grew obsessed with this guy in college and I would hallucinate him everywhere I went and I would give him this personality and make up things about him that I didn’t know were true or not. It’s like I just created this person in my head and assigned him the part. It wasn’t right to me or to him and I still haven’t let him go entirely, but I have since moved back home and the time and space has limited it.
Also, just to give an idea I’m 23 years old and this is pretty fresh: about 6 months ago.
I've been through this intense feeling of Limerance . When I met this man, I was in a very limbo state of my life, staying in a women's refuge after escaping an abusive marriage. Before marrying him I was brought up in a very violent, repressive home. Brought up by a violent father who was extremely strict, domineering and violent. It was an unhappy life even before my abusive marriages.
I'm in my third marriage now. But I still can't forget the man I had the encounter with. It feels like a spell. It's thirty years now and I dream of him, and don't want it to stop. He was a sergeant. Domineering, and charming. He used me physically, and dumped me. But I still replay him in my head. I don't want to let go of that euphoric feeling. He hurt me.
My last 2 relationships I have had Limerance… I have lost 10 years of my life and lost all my friends, lost my career, lost my health 😢 Healing your abandonment & rejection wounds and self love will somewhat heal you xxx
@Nicolameikle8737: Yes, Limerence is a real ba$&&#d, isn't it? Good luck to you.😮😮😊😊
@@terrycraig6386 and you too 😃
I am 25 years old and I've had this ever since I was a teen
So accurate...I have struggled for over thirty years with this...too many limerent objects ...even gave me depression on one occasion.
30 years????? Get help please!!!!!😮
Since I was in 7th grade, I have known to get addicted to my crush every time I have one. I can’t stop thinking about people I like ever. I can’t focus on anything, but then. I play video games daily and I get distracted thinking about who I like even when playing them. I’ve always been this way for so long and I always thought I was abnormal. I never saw anyone else who experiences what I experience. I can’t help it that I am this way and I honestly love being this way, but I notice I don’t live life normally because of it. I really thought something was wrong with my brain. By the way, I was 13 in 2012 when I was in 7th grade and now I’m 22 years old and I’m still this way.
Im the same way since I was a kid every time I like someone I get obsessed. Its very draining and unhealthy. At least Im not the only one
Your emotional needs were NOT met in your childhood . That is why .
@@fishstickbio594 My parents never say “I love you” and other shit like that. I say to myself a lot that I feel like I’m more touch starved than most people because I’ve never had that kind of affection either.
@@fishstickbio594 I had a good childhood and had attention from my parents but I still suffer with this. I become obsessed/attached to crushes and sometimes random ppl/friends
You're feeding a bear. I'm 40 and it's not been ok for a long while. It gets worse. Don't fuck around with it.
Physical symptoms - after one hour of speaking to him in a cafe I was so tense I excused myself and ran home. My whole body was hurting so much I passed out on my bed !!!
I am limerant mostly all the time. I was severely neglected. I kept alive by doing this. Now it’s bad because I am married to a good man.
I feel the same. My husband is amazing so I hate this.
@Gen of course logic. It’s an ingrained habit. I do excessive control over it now with logic. I slip into the fantasy of it and have to snap myself out of it. This is why I don’t drink anymore too. It’s worse when I am intoxicated. That was another negative way I dealt with it.
@Gen I did when I first met him. I got lucky. I fall into limerence with people In general. I pick a person and they become my everything. It’s about building fantasy around them to be like a savior to me. I will project it onto them. Maybe look into transference. It’s somewhat interchangeable. It’s like a dopamine hit. But in the end it is not real. Relationships are not one sided. I catch myself doing it all the time.
@@77TadamsOh my god, I think I can relate to this. Only instead of people, I’ve sort of just had this latch onto a specific single person and I turned to God to help me. Which is helping.
@77Tadams: you must have childhood OCD.😮
I married when I was 19 & when I was 21 I fell into limerence with a woman at the gym. 42 years later & I remember her like it was yesterday, it took all my strength not to engage with her, she was like a drug & I felt helpless in her presence despite being a big strong guy.
What annoys me the most is that I was actually not attracted to my LO, but she kept chasing me and telling me that I'm her type and kept flirting with me.
I even told her to stop teasing me, because I knew she was engaged. Now there is not a moment, day or night that she is not on my mind. I'm suffering from limerence because she kept chasing me, even though she is going to marry soon. She triggered it and there is no way to snap out of it, it is really exhausting and I can't tell how long I can endure it. (I am limerent since 5 months now)
Oh boy…..sounds like she played with your feelings …..this is what happens when another person manipulate your feelings .
Obviously, you probably want sex and turning that down is going to send your brain into a serious conflict. lol
I am trying to follow. You weren't attracted to her but because she kept flirting with you, you then became attracted and can't get her off your mind? It's interesting how everyone's story can vary and be a little bit different. I guess limerence can happen to anyone at any given time.
Whenever I would stop being friends with someone and we end things on bad terms(due to a fight or something) I would tend to become obsessed with the person. And the obsession would usually goes away when we solve the issue or it goes away naturally. Im best friends with this girl, and I feel obsessed with her even though we are still friends. I often create scenarios where we aren’t friends anymore(and I find pleasure from it somehow?? Even though I love and value our friendship) I create these scenarios so much to the point where I forget that me and her are still friends. I wish that I could stop being obsessed and have a normal friendship with her.
Probably related to attachment style.
I may be way off base here , but something about your comment reminded me of maladaptive daydreaming. Something you may possibly have interest in finding out about, if you are not already familiar that is. Best of luck with everything 💙💕
Have you ever heard of favorite person with people that have BPD? Also maybe unconsciously there is some thing that’s not resolved between you. Maybe you’re not holding a boundary for yourself or speaking some thing that needs to be spoken.
i am a 25 years old girl and i've been struggling with this since i was a teenager
I'm suffering from this since 10 years
Do you mean that you’re in a relationship but yearn for someone else or you’re single & fantasise about a potential partner?
You’re only 25! Your brain is just finishing growing. You have a lifetime to learn & grow into the woman that you want to be. ☺️
@@suzimonkey345 Actually i am single right now but i was in a relationship before and i was fantasizing about another person.
@@polygon166 10 yrs??? oh my god ive had this 1.5 yrs and im praying it ends soon as its killing me mentally and draining me....
Just learned about this. Feel the same since I was a kid. It sucks
Thank you for all the work you’re doing
Thanks for the feedback Tim
Very helpful video, can identify so much with this!
This was really a very helpful video..... thank you for this ❤
Excellent video!
Thanks for explaining what LO stands for I did wonder. I’m new to the word limerence and its meaning but I’ve had so many what I thought were quite intense crushes over the years. A lot of these were probably actually limerence.
It makes us overlook faults in the other person until its over. Then then the real relationship begins. Our culture in America is no longer ready for real a relationship that has issues...we just treat people like their cloths. If they dont fit remove them from your life and try something else on.
I thought this was very good but i wish it was in more detail. Meaning, what made you in limerance with this particular woman? Was it because she was kind or funny or maybe you liked the sound of her voice. Could it be she reminded you of someone from long ago or maybe you could feel an energy from her and you had nice chemistry even if you only talked for that 20 minutes. I think limerence can happen to anyone. But the point you made about having an anxious mother made a lightbulb turn on for me. Not only was my mother anxious, she had a nervous breakdown when i was about 9 years old. She tried her best and cared for me but then when i turned into into my mid 20's, I felt like i had to fight for her attention. I dont care how old a person is. We always need our mom. Sadly, I havent had a solid connection with her for many years now. She has always been inward focused...
I can't imagine confessing an episode to a partner, although maybe that's cos I trust myself with it as it's always internal and not always a sexual form of attraction? I wouldn't confess it to whomever I've pinned it on either as I've always been incredibly avoidant. Wouldn't it piss a partner off though? I think if my partner told me they had this I would have a hard time not blaming him for it.
You described most long distance relationships and immigration barrier woes.
Its three weeks now obsessed over my endodondist. Im exhausted and ready to move past it
So there was this guy in my high school and I thought he was cute, we never knew each other and never had any relationship all through high school. I used to be obsessed with this crush especially when I found out near the end of grade 12 that he had an infatuation with me. Really I think I was more obsessed with having a crush like me back for the first time in my life. It had no substance, it was teenage immaturity and I knew that but I could not stop obsessing over it even a year after we graduated. I have not seen him in over 13 years since I saw him couple times first year after graduation. Im not consumed by it anymore but he crosses my mind daily even 14 years after graduation. I guess this is limerance? I honestly hate having him pop in my head, I want to not think about him at all anymore. Cept fantasizing about knowing him gives me something, I'm not sure what it is but I finally know that describing it as an addiction is true.
How crazy is my new limerence, he’s not even alive anymore, (although I didn’t know that when I first noticed him) yet I’m still doing the looking my best bit plus not eating as much as usual but I think that’s in response to these intense feelings rather than trying to lose weight.
Look up the therm sociopathy and narcissism , research it , study it and will be extremely sad about the findings but clear why that happened to you and how that happened ….it’s empowering at the end .
who is sociopath and narcissist? limerent or LO?
@@Wor-x3d my wife LO is definitely a narcissist and possibly a sociopath
@@Wor-x3d my LO is also a narcissist. This can be another version of trauma bond.
Very true. I studied these personalities and i know how addictive these people are. Even by their body language, eye contact.. every little thing can cause obsession with them if they want to target you for this to happen
I wonder if the limerant object is actually a biological match to the obsess-er (meaning best outcome of healthy offspring) and that’s what tends to cause it. It’s just that the one doing the obsessing is more in tune with this fact. I mean there has to be some kind of biological/chemical reason for this reaction the majority of the time, right??
Yeah, I don't have any limerence to anyone I don't find sexually attractive. I'm 45 and suffering my 3rd major limerence. Problem is that with the current one she showed all the signs of availability and I had to suppress it to respect my marriage even though at the time my marriage was in the process of ending. And now, she moved on and I cannot get her out of my head.
Around 11:00: The person suffering from limerence often IMAGINES scenarios (meeting up with the Limerent Object in a hotel, "riding off into the sunset") and those phantasies _fuel_ hope. (Or hopium as it is called by those that have some insight into the condition. It has strong elements of addiction and of obsessive compulsive disorder).
7:27 paper
13:11 could not function
16:05 early life trauma, attachment theory
Limerence sucks
Indeed
I look at the girl I like and can’t stop looking but can’t talk to her
Sounds more like you have a fear of rejection. Ask the girl.if she says NO then the feeling is NOT mutual and you should move on .
What hapoens if the opposite of limerence, i mean they have arrogant attitude towards attraction n love?
Thank you. But what is the cure? Its not the LO's fault.
It's knowing your worth. Re-parenting yourself by any means.
When you realize the relationship will never happen, learn to hate them. Write down 5 things you dont like about them and dwell on them.
I’d give anything for it to go away, already one year, I want that nonstop intrusive thoughts out of my life, holy fuck just ducking give me closure because I can’t give it to myself it doesn’t work
I feel you mate, good luck. It is still lingering for me after seven years, so I am putting a lot of effort into understanding and finally killing it.
Yet..it's hasn't worked..yet! Stay Great!?!?! Blessed
(I made him a better man
but he didn't make me a better woman! 💯)
EXCRUCIATING DEBILITATING
TRAUMATIZING
EMOTIONAL PAIN.
Submerged in darkness.
Paralyzed with panic.
He raped my soul with the way he threw me away.
Absolutely raped my soul.
I MISS HIM
AND OUR CONNECTION
AND OUR CONVERSATIONS,
WITH ALL MY SOUL.
HE REPLACED ME.
Abandoned and betrayed.
Discarded like trash.
Grief consumes me.
I am traumatized and terrorized.
I have nobody, I'm all alone, and the suffering is immense and intense.
He - the man I called my best friend - gave me PTSD.
Severe PTSD. He left me in February. Discarded me like garbage.
The grief is unbearable.
He left me. Replaced me. My "best friend".
The only friend I had. The ultimate betrayal.
How the actual fuck could he do this to me?
We went from speaking every single day
about every damn thing,
and now we're strangers!
I AM TORMENTED AND TORTURED AND HAUNTED.
AND SO FUCKING DESPERATELY ALL ALONE.
The pain and the panic and the terror are truly unbearable.
REMINDER TO SELF:
Focus on what you're moving on to,
not what you're moving on from! 💯
I remove all unhealthy attachments
blocking my divine path
and I release all lower vibrational energies
creating anxiety fear and depression!
I call back all my power! 🙏🏾
Once you realise you were in love with the idea, not the person, you realise, it's a kind of self love...stay Great!?!?! Blessed
no quick fixes Anthony,, some help at limerence.net which I run
I was extremely neglected during my childhood.
My limerance is so bad, I'm obsessed with man who literally threatened to R word me 😢😢😢😢😢
I'm so sorry. That is terribly sad. I hope you can heal and find somebody worthy of your love that is kind to you. Take care
I thought that to be in love either someone was simpler than that. 😂
Soooo......no cure????? 😩
certainly no quick fixes
@@themarriedtherapists what’s the best way to know you’re recovering? Sometimes it feels like I’m not making any progress despite enduring the pain.
@@gamebred2094 psychotherapy was the best way for me, although dont expect a quick fix
Yes ..It is when you realize that person just played you . They NEVER truly LOVED you to start with …..sleep on this ….
@@gamebred2094 try to know your worth. Look for ways that you could reinforce within yourself that you are worth it. Because you just want your LO to see your value as a person.
Is this a new name for co dependent?
There is no such thing as codependent . Your feelings are right always . The other partner is extremely selfish or a covert narcissist .
@@fishstickbio594 yes there. You can be extremely codependent and your partner can be healthy.
No more the term love addiction
Nikita Callaghan ….I have access to that person ‘ s mental health files …..you don’t ….so please DO NOT jump and assumed that it’s me !
@@Nikitaxo24 😂
Maybe you met your twin flame ?
no. I'm pretty sure there is no such thing.
The idea of a twin flame is to sooth your mind from the neglect you have on that side of your life, most likely romantic side of things. Your mind could be inclined to it as it has hope one day someone will float in and meet you at all your needs