Why we love, why we cheat | Helen Fisher
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- Опубликовано: 15 янв 2007
- www.ted.com Anthropologist Helen Fisher takes on a tricky topic -- love - and explains its evolution, its biochemical foundations and its social importance. She closes with a warning about the potential disaster inherent in antidepressant abuse.
TEDTalks is a daily video podcast of the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers are invited to give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes -- including speakers such as Jill Bolte Taylor, Sir Ken Robinson, Hans Rosling, Al Gore and Arthur Benjamin. TED stands for Technology, Entertainment, and Design, and TEDTalks cover these topics as well as science, business, politics and the arts. Watch the Top 10 TEDTalks on TED.com, at
www.ted.com/index.php/talks/top10 
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"The world without love is a deadly place."
Good one!
She is confusing love with lust
It's also a deadly place because of love
Well, this brings me to question; Do you love your Mother or Father? If yes, what would one or both rejecting you, do to your brain. I've met a lot of people in my life who've had a parent reject, or be unable to love them, it messes them up for life on a fundamental level. I feel it worth mentioning this is happening at a higher rate of speed then in previous generations, especially as the number of single mothers and fathers increase. If some random stranger you barely know has that much of an impact on your brain, what kind of damage have we been doing to our kids for years?
What do you think is the solution to dealing with people who have this fundamental level of damage? Can we help them or are they destined to be their only savior
Those children who experience this effect of - non attachment - (love) from their parents, ... do so because THEY are 'children of convenience'... the Kapture Kids,... the result of a woman getting pregnant to ensnare the intended PROVIDER male,... a few years later & she RESENTS the man and the kids, because she NEVER really loved him,... he was just the best OPTION FOR SECURITY AND PROVISION at the time.
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Women do not have children as an 'animal instinct',... otherwise they would be pregnant yearly from puberty to menopause,... they do so (erroneously) WHEN THEY THINK IT BEST SUITS THEIR NEEDS.
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NOTE: It is rare for a PROSTITUTE to become pregnant,... because it would INTERFERE with her 'work'(?) .... There are no 'miricale kids'... EVERY woman knows when she's 'TRYING' even if her partner doesn't. (women LIE or by omission - KNOWINGLY - let a partner or STOOGE - bring up a child that SHE KNOWS is another mans )
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Public service must serve vulnarable population instead of exploiting it, people have mental abnormalities sometimes inherited, inept parents alcoholics, drug addicts, psychopathic and narcissistic parents probably better to stay away from children and not procreate.
I wish we could protect children from parents like that.
I think this generation are better at expressing our love than previous generations who showed less emotion to the point ' children should be seen not heard' just an example. My mum always said to me I taught her to hug & show love. I'm also a single mum & possibly shower my children with love from guilt that they don't have a typical family unit. I have friends with adopted children the damage of being unwanted/loved in the womb is unbelievable, being a mum I find it hard to conceive not loving my children but it's an interesting question you asked and an area that os not looked into enough! It takes alot to get past childhood trauma as an adult but also I like to think it doesn't define you! 🥰
As a close relative of an adopted child whose bio mother declined to meet him as an adult I can testify that it does a lot of emotional damage. It happened to a relative and another adult where their mom's did that and both were deeply scarred.
Well - as a man, I found a lot of common ground in what was being said here. Having been connected to someone (and married) for over 17 years before being widowed, there is a great deal of truth in what Helen spoke about. Not sure I agree totally with everything, but in essence plenty to get your head around and teeth into. Thanks for getting me thinking. We all need to stretch ourselves - where's the fun in just blindly walking through life without a challenge?
"overestimating the differences between one woman and another" priceless
So very true
Frani298 Same for men. 😂
Females are like cars. There are many different makes and models but they all run the same and will eventually leave you stranded on the side of the road at the worst possible time
@@johnreed9050 like high milage rental cars that need their dirty ash trays vacuumed out.
@@justinsquire4212
Do you get your deposit back ?
This lecture it is warning to all of us, go to the gym, go dancing dont take anti-depressants if you are chronically sad.
This talk made me stop taking antidepressants after being on them for 10 years. I don't feel worse at all...
Rebecca Skinner
nah I've been off them for months now. And I was on max dose for years and years. I got a bit sensitive for three days, that was it.
Krickistina plays
Krickistina plays
The drug manafacturers are now the dealers!
I think it's dangerous to just stop them by yourself. Anyone who's thinking about this obviously should best talk with their doctor. Don't risk your health. It really isn't worth it.
Kristina Plays good for you!!!
I absolutely loved this talk, separated 3 years from a long controlling marriage. I feel stronger & more in touch with myself I'm 42 & feel like I'm living! I have been in love with two men, I believe nobody can can be everything for one person, one was a mirror image of me personality, the other the complete opposite & both filled a hole in different ways. People have so much to learn from each other & it's more the care you feel for someone, also the impact they have on you. In a monogamous relationship, there are rules and insecurity we miss out on many relationships (not sexual) for fear of hurting the other & how it may come across. I'm happy not committing & experiencing many types of love 💕
You have fallen into the trap most of us do:sin. Love is different. What you are experiencing is lust
We are not to "fall in love"..we are "to love".
This video is from 2007 (uploaded)...wow 12 years ago?!
I'm amazed how far TED has come... I appreciate all the speakers' time & sharing their stories 💛💜💜
Men and women whoever you are, find out your strengths and weaknesses, follow your strengths and work around your weaknesses. Don't let the media, your neighbour, your peeps or your family decide what is good for you. Decide it yourself and you will have a happy, successful, life.
Know that there is hard work in front of you, and just sitting and thinking that you will be happy will not make you happy at the end of the day.
Pure and simple comments you have, both of you. You have a beautiful heart and mind.
Thank God that are still normal and loving people left on the Planet.
Helen Fisher is spot on at 20:35 about 'Why it is that you fall in love with one person rather than another'.
I fell very deeply in love with a prof the first time I saw her as a student.
- I was new in town, it was the first day at university and everything was very exciting to me (high dopamin level)
- I didn't knew her before (mystery)(high dopamin level)
- She matched traits of my childhood (similar looks)
- I was sitting randomly very near to her, we had direct eye contact (proximity)
And did you l(f)ove her?
what's ''prof''?...
@@particleconfig.8935 Professor
@@particleconfig.8935 Professor/Teacher.
A very interesting presentation and I appreciate the comparison of trending gender relationships to those on the african plains. My favorite quote ~the 18 minute mark "the happiness we find is the happiness we make" Wise words.
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm a mom who is trying to get back on the market. I feel so much energy and passion inside for creativity and working around people, making a difference. It's time to get this energy out! ❤️ ✊
She's one of my favourite speakers and academics - very thoughtful presentation. Highly recommend.
Pickel Sandwich agreed. I found her to be one of those wishy-washy femnst academics that tries to justify her own job by painting this wishful empowerment narrative.
You need to be grounded in Christ before listening to this
what a very interesting and thought provoking video. Love is what should make the world go around, not war, religion or money. If we made more love and less war we would all be a lot happier.
Thank you helen.
Very interesting talk. Knowing that people have three drives (which can be driven toward 1 person or even 3) explains many relationships of couples I personally know.
Not love, lust...
Wow, she's brilliant. One of the best talks I've heard on Ted's
Oh man, where do this myth about men not being able to talk come from? I knew men in my life that could talk, for hours, they talked and talked until your hair turned gray and you wish you were dead to just stop hearing them
...narcissistic self-talk doesn't count as conversation.
🤣🤣🤣 it's not men. It's just individuals taking on a collective distortion to masculinity.
Talking to garner status and get attention isn't necessarily talking well. She's referring to genuine self-expression, meta-cognition, emotional awareness, geek words, and all that other snowflaky wuss business. American culture fosters male insensitivity, and in lots of cases hampers boys' verbal development.
Djuna Barnes 😂 Speak the truth sister!
Janis Froehlig Lately I’ve met more and more women who can talk about nothing but themselves
I wanna hear Helen Fisher and Ester Perel together. That would be a very informative talk.
Dr. Fisher, thanks for bringing us closer to understanding the painful and exhilarating condition of love even though we are helpless to really do anything about its often cruel hold on us.
Love & lust are two different things
@@forward_ever_ever2595 I understand the difference. Maybe you’ve never loved someone who you know isn’t the right choice and is unhealthy yet hard to let go of.
I don't get why so many people say the talk has nothing to do with the title. She clearly explains where "love" comes from (the 3 brain systems, the evolutive process and reasons involving these systems are pretty much the reasons why we love) and why people are sometimes prone to cheat on their partners (if a person triggers the hormones associated with, say, two of your systems but not the other one, another person may). Of course, this is from the perspective of evolution/chemicals in your body. Social implications and moral codes are different, and she didn't approach them. I think the only reason why I would find the title misleading is because it's not specific enough.
Love is the answer to every question!
Michael L no you experience love because of the chain reaction of the ride taken on those systems.. we call the after effect love.. there’s many sub reasons to those systems that make certain ppl or things apart of the system they are in.. whether it’s attachment, romantic, or sexual.. the end experience is what we call love.. not the cause..
She also points out to completely unrelated topics to back up her claim, like the older you get the less likely you are divorce, like it has anything to do with love.
That has a lot to do with age, bad health and no longer having a variety of potential partners.
Interesting topic.Many good points. I was troubled, however, by a few statements .
It is not a given that libido will suffer for one who is taking SSRI medication. It does happen, but not to everyone. When it does there are ways to offset the effect for many people. The recommendation for ongoing use of SSRI medication is for those who've had 3 or more major depressions (clinical depression) in their lifetimes. It is also not true that people on SSRI's are dulled or don't feel joy and excitement (dopamine rush). When SSRI's leave a person emotionally dull, it usually means that either it's the wrong drug or the wrong dosage. SSRI's are not helpful for everyone. When they are, people often say they feel 'normal' or 'like myself"
sometimes for the first time in years. Please don't disparage medication that you're not fullly knowledgeable about it.
Speaking as a social science student, it is quite an interesting talk by Helen, as she proposed (more than) several intriguing facts about the science of love and relationships. Nonetheless, morals and wider sociological issues surrounding the notion of "love" that influence how we perceive love should also be taken into account, beyond those facts and figures and hormones.
Was already halfway when I realized the title is misleading!
The fact that this video id 16 yrs old.
Really really interesting!! TY!!
Danny
Really interesting. Feminism has contributed so much to the world, but especially in psychotherapy over the last few decades in regards to helping overcome the prejudicial language and structure of traditional therapy, the limitations of the DSMV diagnoses and elegibility criteria which pathologized responses that were different to those of the dominant white, male, hetero group they were normed on, and now Helen fisher's reflections on gender differences in love and sexual expression reminding us of the need to maintain that progress of taking a pluralistic approach to therapy, one of being being senstive to how gender and other aspects of our multicultural identities influence us to each experience things differently as opposed to the 'one-size-fits-all' approach that was used in traditional models prior to the influence of feminist therapy.
She said romantic love makes you hold someone higher than everyone else... and then she said you can feel romantic love for two people at once equally? Could someone explain this to me?
I don't see her discrediting the use of antidepressants for those who need them to make it through ""something they're going through, perfectly horrible; they want to kill somebody, commit suicide"" (18:47). What she says is she is worried about the effects of taking them long-term and become dependent on them.
Great insight! So scary how antidepressants are being misused and how it is affecting our ability to bond!
It's not drugs it's women being whores having countless hundreds of different sexual partners
Look at the scientific literature of sexual partners for a woman and how it pertains to " pair bonding " , oxytocin release and divorce...
It literally deteriorates ability to pair bond the more sexual partners a woman has.
@@armandohenriquez2103 As if men are not to blame for being low quality and sleeping with those women. Do men not want to step up and stop doing it? No, because men want to have a bunch of sexual partners. So what can be done?
Facinating, inciteful and well worth half an hour to listen to and ponder over.
Brilliant. You may not agree with all her points, but she is a bright and compelling thinker and speaker.
I don't understand why there's so much hate in the comments section here... there was nothing that she said against men or women or anything bad or claimed something illogical as a fact... she just shared her research and it was very interesting and knowledgeable.
I'm really stunned by the anti-feminist, almost misogynistic attitudes that were expressed in this comment thread. Patriarchy is apparently very much alive. This lecture is full of fascinating insights regarding interpersonal relationships.
True
But the topic listed was misleading, no?
Barry Anglin
No surprise here.
Clown.
Horseshit
men are one foot are women are the other to move ahead. that's the perfect way to put it, instead of trying to "compete" against the other gender and initiate useless bickering, work together and understand the different strengths each gender possesses. Like she said, men and women are wired differently and it's the collaboration of new ideas from the many styles of thinking that moves humanity forward. Great talks Helen.
2019 anyone?
I really hate the TED intro. Increasingly loud, long, and annoying.
+Jordan Burke haha some are worse then others TED talks does it on the bad discussions to try and blow out headphone users ear drums
Jordan Burke I agree!!!
Yeah dudes change your intro! Learn from Pewdiepie lmao
You don’t know what hate truly is...
It's what the Grinch hears in Whoville.
Wake up people...Love is not an emotion...love is purely an action...a choice...a behavior...in other words..a verb!
I've asked those who have been together for a minimum of 30 years, they declare it's a "feeling" not a choice but you have to be a conscientious and agreeable person for it to last!
@@esem5347 well...a good feeling is all wonderful...but in the end...still a feeling. Case in point...Christ on the cross...do u think that felt good?...no...but it was a choice for him to love and forgive. He could have brought legions of angels to wipe everyone out...but he didn't. It must have sucked super badly.
@@SS-qf2po that tells me to suck it up and get on with my life and quit having pity parties over my own broken heart. I'm blessed to be here for one more day. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
@@SS-qf2po what's Christ on the cross... is that like a dagwood dog?
You sound like a narcissist love is not a damn choice only someone who have never fallen in love before would claim love is something has simple has a choice
I choose not to fall in love I choose not to be heartbroken I choose not to be depressed matter of fact I choose not to be hungry . You are an imbecile a narcissist you don't know what love is or ever will
i loved the talk totally, it explained a lot of phenomena.
It is amazing that Helen Fisher has taken to follow the theories of Imablicus and Cornelious Agrippa because it was them which establish such of theory but she Helen Fisher has prooven that the philosophers from the paripateric school were right at least about the location of the brain that is activated when love is being manifested; and that is in the center top middle brain or the pineal gland area. I know because I have read about the antiques philosophers.
I realized alone a lot of her points but in my chase love was never equal, women were interested in me but never that much in love. I was motivated, able to do whatever was necessary, ready to sacrifice my well being for someone that i deemed to be more important, she knew that and took advantage. Now I'm 26 and wander why do I deserve this, i guess i have my type and it's the kind of woman who is killing my soul.
@13:45 - I've been saying this for years! Thank you!
When someone suggests that men are more adulterous than women, I ask them if they think men are having their affairs with other men. Probably not very often, meaning women are just as willing to engage in affairs as men.
At the very least, if they are not married, they are certainly not honoring the social construct of the marriage by having an affair with a married partner.
I am so glad I came across this video,I understand much better now . Love is dreadful and delightful think .
Compatability of personality type is an interesting and thought provoking area of study. One theoretical system of personality, the Myers Briggs Personality Inventory, is food for thought. Not validated though which is one problem with that theory of personality.Nonetheless, in trying to understand WHY my own personal relationship of 38yrs with my partner has been so emotionally, intellectually, physically, etc. satisfying for both of us and successful , I have determined he and I are the same type in that system. We share so many general personality tendencies like introversion, a love of study, books, learning, we are both highly intuitive etc etc Baseline is that we "get" each other :how the other person thinks, feels, perceives, etc. We also share core values and have some, but not total ,overlap of areas of interest, which makes for a nice play of interests and things we can and have taught each other over a very long relationship---He has a BS in psychology and his other degrees are in subjects I know little about...my research and reading is mostly in my own field as well as history and literature, while he is interested in a much wider range of topics, thus we complement each other well. Emotionally too. We both use analytical thinking, rather than emotion, to make decisions. Yet we ARE emotional about each other. Good luck with your current work..I look forward to reading and hearing about it...a Ph.D- academic psychologist
This is a wonderful talk!! I was expecting some kinda "bashing" of character or gender; like an automatic thought would tell me "why that person cheated" but this was amazing! My three systems are active in current relationship.
Why we love and cheat. because love is an addiction, a high like a drug. When that fades we chase a new love thrill. Simple.
Begins slow, but fascinating discussion!
A world without love is a deadly place 👏🏽❤️
“Forbid us something, and that thing we desire” Chaucer said that over 600 years ago. He also said, "Love is blind".
As was said multuple times by Esther Perel. When consequences for cheating are the same for women as they are for men, we will know more about women cheating.
Well said.
Women are emotional- if the sleep around they lose the ability to pair bond
now all we know about is women cheating lol
Thank you. Very informative. Recently have started considering if the word " love " was no longer used. What could be used as a replacement in our vocabulary. "Care"...To care for another.
Futurist Jacque Fresco reckoned in the future the word Love will be thrown out and replaced with ‘extensionality’. You can find videos on RUclips about it using those words.
@@michaelfern4079 Thank You. Will give it some thought and read of Fresco. Seems a bit impersonal...at the same time focus should put on "actions" that demonstrate the concept and not use of the word without understanding. Thanks Again.
Clement Abrahams It is very different. He argues our way of using the word is projection most of the time. You maybe give someone a flower when they are sad when what they need are solutions to solve a problem which is ultimately making them sad. That’s being extensional.
@@michaelfern4079 Thank You. Much appreciated.
Thank You Helen!
The only reason I'm here is for a school assignment and all I have to say is I can't believe I actually had to waste time I can never get back in life listening to this.
No worries- nothing she said will ever pertain to you..
Diana is personally offended that you didn’t like this video.
-Molly Weasley’s howler voice here- and Diana dear, congratulations on personally being offended by me not liking this video. You must be so proud :’)
I take that to heart: A world without love is a deadly place. Hell!!!! Helen couldn't've said it better
MRI (magnetic resonance imaging) to find the "Love-Drive", wow, I'm impressed!
Great presentation💎
She doesn't say women are superior; she says women are better at certain things.
Very unfocused talk. Maybe it was spontaneous, but I was expecting more in line with the title. Regardless, there's some great information here. -Austen
+Honest Signalz She's an anthropologist... right? So why does she keep referring to humans in Africa
"millions" of years ago?
+Honest Signalz Hello Honest. Read my post above, you may like it.
I agree with you, I felt she lacked on the subject of the title and she focused more on psychology.
Honestly I prefer the talk's topic to the title's subject... But that's a personal thing. There is a discrepancy tho that's kind of misleading and maybe altogether unfortunate, not sure tho... Hope you enjoyed it and learned something useful! Take care
O
Good for you! I'm happy that you feel better now.
i agree completely. oppression is wired in our natures, we can make small changes but they will come back in some form. that sounds depressing but only in understanding weaknesses can we make room for real change.
I am literally one of those guys who are sleeping with their girlfriend's moms. I honestly don't know how it got to this, but I honestly fear that I can't stop.
It's a combination of both. Love compensates for incompatibility as she said.
Great presentation!
this just blew my mind!
Came here to read comments 😁
+Redwan Belhadri ye me too
That exercise usually ends in bitter disappointment for me.
If I am gonna post... I should read other opinions too! ;)
Comments much better than the content.. The content is predictable.
"Why him why her ?" was rather enlighting.
Not groundbreaking, but innovative in what it combined.
So thats the person who wrote it.
Would you recommend it?
Good to hear about it
Good Job Helen.... Bravo
She makes her point at 17:20 - there can be different agendas in various relationships now.
One can fall in love with many persons at a time. That's a great lesson. Thank you for your honesty, Helen.
@@jn3750 Love Jesus!
"the world without love is a deadly place" - so beautiful...
thanks madam for enlightening
Understanding history is crucial to understand what is going on today
this explains my love... correctly amazing...
We're really moving forward into the past 🗝️
perfect
Yeah depends on what past you picture.
Helen seems to think we will return to the plains of Africa to a hunter-gatherer society
While reality points to either a technocratic autocracy or patriarchal theodemocracy if certain religions prevail.
That’s why they say academics are completely disconnected from reality
So much truth. Excellent 👍 👍 presentation 👍 👍
Well said, and I agree.
The divorce rate is "decreasing" because Men are less likely to marry, which means Men are less likely to marry more than once. This makes it appear as though the divorce rate is decreasing.
The title does not correctly represent this video there is nothing on why we lo e or cheat
If you want someone else why not just say so to him before you act on it? One person can never OWN another person. Marriage as Lacan says, "is a contract between two people giving each other the exclusive and legal ownership to each other's sexual organs." gulp. No wonder Paris was furious with him. But isn't that what it gets down to?
Being a very a very romantic person myself who has experienced a bad marriage, I have seen glimpses and had reasonable exposure to sexual connection, romantic love and long term attachment which, I dare say, given the world we live in, follow each other in that order
Spot on about 'cosmic union'! (Thought I was the only one who 'got' ie literally and figuratively this
This woman knows as much about men as I do about childbirth
@Soleimani did not kill himself SHE HATES THE PLOW!
Need I say more. She is full of it!
I was so hooked on her talking about romantic love and enjoyed that part, then the men and women separation part I was dissconnected
Because in fact, this vide is about why we do not hate each other despite all...
Amazing!!
I love it! My dopamine is spiking for this talk
Mine is dropping.. I am leaving this. She does not understand the reasons behind so called female enslavement and male bashing.
"Divorce rates are going to decrease" This aged well
Eventually divorce will start to decline because currently two genders are still figuring out what they want in life.
extremely enjoyed this....
14 years ago!
beautiful talk
So really, when it comes to love, most people, if not all, are obsessive compulsive.
Craig Johnson simple
Amazing talk
great conference
We are really moving forward to the past.
This woman just described half my life's story
I am in love with myself. No-one will ever take precedence over me. Happy Valentine's Day, Mac. Why thank you, Mac! *Kisses self*
Why Not! Sleep alone?
Ecstasy ("love drug") doesn't induce romantic feelings or romantic love. It instead tends to evoke feelings more akin to cosmic or spiritual love. For the record, it's not a sex drug. In fact, it typically reduces sexual urges, contrary to what mass media likes to portray. I say this based upon both personal experience as well as the experiences that I've solicited from others. You could say that ecstasy evokes more of a desireless kind of love.
Assistindo hoje e refletindo sobre...
I killed those circuits in my brain. Never been happier.
We need more women like you
A world without love is a deadly place indeed 🕯️💟🕯️💟🕯️💟🕯️💟
She is incredibly smart, nice