INFJs and Control Issues
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- Опубликовано: 18 июл 2023
- INFJ personality types have an interesting combination of traits. One side of the INFJ’s nature can be extremely accommodating. INFJs tend to try to keep the peace and always facilitate harmony in group situations, whenever possible. It’s common for INFJ personality types to put others’ needs ahead of their own, sometimes compulsively.
The other side of the INFJ personality type’s nature can be controlling. Some INFJs are aware of this and others aren’t, but all INFJs are controlling, whether they know it or not.
This happens for two reasons. The first reason is that INFJ personality types have problems trusting other people. Although INFJs crave deep connection, they also tend to be terrified of intimacy. INFJs don’t want to show too much or expose too much of their authentic selves. They also don’t want to get invested in someone too much. So, INFJ personality types keep their emotional walls up for a long time in relationships.
The second reason is that, when it comes to tasks, many INFJ personality types don’t trust other people to do things “the right way.” INFJs usually decide it is easier, and more efficient, to just do whatever task it is for the other person, because then it will be done their way, and it will be done the right way. INFJs share this trait with INTJ personality types.
INFJ personality types are also strongly affected by chaos or any emotional upset in their environment, and so they tend to be rigid about their environment and how they want it to be. This extends to the actual physical surroundings, the placement of important objects, the INFJ’s personal schedule, the order of tasks in their day, and any personal rituals. Their routine is how INFJs ground themselves. This can be a good thing, until it begins to cause problems. Tune into the video to find out why.
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I gasped when Lauren said "go to a restaurant without researching the menu beforehand" 😂😮😅🤭
Most of us INFJs do things our way, the right way! Its the right way because we usually study the many different ways things can be done and deduced that our way works best. Nothing controlling about that if you asked me
😂
I’ll tell me family I can see problems a mile away…I also know I will be the one stuck fixing it. So I can seem really rigid and pushy. I don’t want to control anything…I just don’t want them mucking up my life.
I try to let them feel as many natural consequences as I can…but often the cost is too high.
I'm finally starting to learn from my mistakes that others have to learn from their mistakes.
Amen!
I don't like surprises. I have never had a good surprise in my life.
So, I like knowing what's coming. Maybe this leads to my controlling behavior.
I honestly don't consider myself controlling, but people have told me I am.
It’s not about control it’s about we are usually right and would like it done the right way
...and it's not so much about being IN control, but about NOT BEING controlled or taking the heat for someone else who's OUT OF control.
@@don-eb3fj Yes! Just avoiding sticky situations that can hurt us or others. Sometimes we gotta feel the heat of the world though
@@brah04X As much as I enjoy a nice cozy conversation by candlelight or a warm cheery fire, I find that nearly impossible in a world overpopulated with pyromaniac children with unlimited access to matches and gasoline and not enough fire extinguishers or adults to take the matches away; too many fires and too many hypnotized by the flames. In this environment there just doesn't seem to be much worth the attempt to intervene, and the best I can currently manage is a 30,000 foot distance and the warmth of the upturned collar of the warm peacoat of indifference. The limit of my optimism is that it sure would be nice to be wrong for once. Feel the heat? I have my 3rd degree burns to keep me warm.
@@don-eb3fj Hear, hear. I'm sorry to say that I also feel myself slowly retreating and see my idealism fading - or maybe it's just reaching levels that are grounded in reality and manageable based on my limits. The world truly seems to be reaching some kind of crazy peak right now, like the whole of society is on a mix on methamphetamine and a numbing agent.
She calls it a “control issues”. She visibly don’t have empathy for the INFJ and diminishes them. Not cool.
whenever I listen to you and other INFJ coaches speak about what it's like being an INFJ, it's like y'all are reading my diary/autobiography😂 especially when you started talking about planning out what to order, where to park, and the route to get to a date with a friend😂 leaving space for flexibility in my routines/habits definitely helps me relax in small ways throughout the day. It gives me that heady rush of feeling like a rebel, followed by relief that things didn't fall apart after doing something spontaneous. thanks as always for your wisdom, Lauren!
Well described!! We really are a crazy / weird bunch, aren't we?!!😊
My childless friend used to criticize me by saying i tried to control my kids. First, I wasn't--was teaching various things; second, i was holding chaos at bay. For me and my kids, I always felt peace, security, confidence in the environment, and knowledge of how to get along were important.
… And are a doormat with boundary issues…
Laughing all the way through this one 😄 It feels so dumb most times to pretend like I don't know the best way lol, and even more dumb if I allow the wrong thing to happen so that I need to fix it later or accept bad results. But, this has led me to question what's important in life; is it always to make everything as efficient as possible? Nope. I'm learning so much these days about giving and taking in relationships - building up the patience to give room for people to grow instead of forcing them straight up to my level, whatever that is. And honestly, sometimes I'm just wrong and too locked into my position that just came to me the first time I thought about the situation, and I have a really hard times questioning many things after I have a seeming answer integrated in my mind.
An INFJ here married to and INTJ 😂 oh my gosh you said it perfectly, "we can butt heads with an INTJ if we're fighting for control of tasks". We both are perfectionists that have struggled greatly relenting control over tasks. It's near impossible to delegate even the smallest tasks because we want to do it our way, the "right way". We totally understand each other though, deeply!
It's totally possible, we're both testaments to this, to learn how to let go of control and allow things to not be "perfect"! It takes time, but it's totally worth it to learn how to relax a little more and enjoy life as it unfolds instead of desperately trying to control everything! It seems scary at first, but it ends up feeling like a weight coming off to let go.
Love this video❤ thank you for another wonderful, enlightening, and incredibly validating video!
Haha! Do you both often deem what is "the right way" as the same way? Obviously this is difficult to apply to many routines and stuff like that 😄But for projects and such
@@brah04X often, no. Our definitions are not the same 😂 though because we both can be perfectionists, the other persons work is usually good enough, and often can even exceed expectations! 😊
@@lindsaykubena6622 I like the idea of two perfectionists impressing each other with different solutions 😁
My daughter is an INTJ and we have the best relationship. I just love her personality so much. ❤
I saw a few others do INFJ videos on here
But you seem to be spot on
One thing I do now differently if I like someone and want to get to know them better I say I'm an INFJ I know I'm weird take me or leave me seems like I get along better now with some
The one thing that bothers me most is when someone touches or moves my things
I didn't know whether to laugh or cry (and cringe) at your description..... I ended up laughing!! We are soooo Ridiculously funny!! Thanks so much. All true. 😂
Glad to be here to watch you videos now Lauren! I watched this twice. Once on my own and then again with my wife to show her how you have described me so well! She is an ISFJ and the Yin to my Yang. She is doer and much more grounded while I am a thinker and a dreamer. I have to have at least two hours between when I wake up and when I leave the house in order to go through my series of rituals at my pace and transition from the cerebral world of dreams to the physical world I inhabit. Of course I can bypass all of it but I will suffer for it and my day will feel like its spiraling out of control. So I stick to my rituals and they help me stay calm and centered. One phrase I didn't hear Lauren use was "energy conservation" but I believe that is my main goal in trying to control my environment. Emergencies and chaotic environments drain my energy so very quickly. By keeping my things orderly and by living my life fairly routinely I conserve my energy so that I can give it to the people and things I am interested in rather than just wasting it trying to find my wallet or keys for example!
ISFJ and INFJ is a good match?
You are one of the first people I have seen that need such a long morning. I am the same. I need a minimum of 2 but generally take 3-4. People are baffled by how much time I need in the morning and I am baffled how much time they DONT need in the morning. My sister is an ESTJ and my mom is an ESFJ. They both can just pop out of bed and be dressed and ready to go in an hour but I’m usually just getting back in bed with my coffee and then I need to journal (another hour) …. Etc. Like you said, I am capable of getting out earlier but I suffer the rest of the day and you won’t like me nearly as much if I do. 😂
@ComplicatedSimplicite it's good to know that we aren't the only ones like this. We don't see people like us on the TV or in movies much so we tend to think we are odd. I don't think so. We just have our own pace and importantly we know that!😉☺️
@@YAMISOOLD2009 I agree 100 %!
Me too. 😭 3 peas in a pod. I’ve come to accept it and take it whether my Esfj sis and others may or may not like it 😆 or I can spin out of control, or even turn into a lil monster cause I’ve wasted the whole day cause I wasn’t focused 😂🫶🏽
Learning to trust goes a long way with others.
I did not Think of myself as someone with control issues but now I do 😏
One I don’t recognize though is the one about checking the menu. In fact I never do that as I find it so boring to know what I am having.
The route, though, and parking, oh, I hate parking - I find myself suggesting somewhere else due to too difficult parking.
Thank you for this. I don't ever want to be hurtful to others either
I wonder about the “keeping your walls up.” When I’m talking with or listening to someone, very rarely do they let me interject any of my thoughts or opinions. I suspect that on the rare occasion that I am allowed to share that the hesitation before starting the effort to coherently explain my thoughts or experiences overwhelms most and they just mentally check out before I have even started. If I explain things intuitively, they can’t make the connections which requires further backtracking and explanation.
As I was going thru my evening rituals today (I chuckled didnt realize the reason behind it) , the light bulb went off - (I viewed the video earlier at work) and sparked a brief reflection - These very specific rituals keep me grounded in my physical environment otherwise I feel disorientation - panic - anxiety and having these same symptoms when I cant find an item that I didnt put back in its "place" or when my planned plans do not go to the T (unless I had a contingency plan planned 😂) this is so enlightening and the description of this in the video is spot on - thanks for illuminating this within myself. ❤
So true. I’ve known this all my life but you put it so nicely in words. Thank you
I usually don't feel so rigid or the need to stick to a strict schedule everyday. While I do enjoy creating long-term plans, I usually know my personal priorities and needs for that particular day. So when I'm feeling hesitant and attempt to jokingly tell people that I either don't or try not to make plans ahead of twenty minutes from that very moment especially when I sense they're thinking of inviting me somewhere or ask "so what are you up to today...?" or "do you have any plans for today...?", this is when something kicks in and perhaps it's more like I don't feel so willing to risk being stuck and at the mercy of their invite to whatever and wherever and maybe wishing I was back home at The Sanctuary doing my own thing. So I guess I'm guilty of controlling my own destiny each day through micromanaging myself depending on how I feel each morning while leaving room for that sudden burst of enthusiasm to do something totally different than what I was feeling just a half-hour before, and is often brought on by simply listening to great music that can almost instantly alter my mood and trigger other inspirations. Although, sometimes I do wish I had better "control" over my long-windedness. 🙂
Controlling "the future" hurts me so much in my relationship with INFJ...I like having values and dreams for future but I think my INFJ bases that on deep seated Dogma...( I'm sorry I didn't find a better word for it) and might react subtly to every detail that might go out of way. Wish we could be more flexible.:(
1000% yes to all of this!👏🏼👏🏼
Wow, spot on.
I could relate to everything you were saying. Thank you for such a thorough and concise description of life as in info.
Thanks for the video, it's perfect!! ❤
I can relate to this controling thing even it’s hidden.
SOOOO TRUEEEEEEE!!!!!
Lol these videos have been so great 👍 before i watch it im getting princess bubblegum vibes its because i know how to take care of things and not let them hurt themselves or others :)
Awesome video Lauren! This gave me a ton of perspective. - Naomi
I wonder how many other INFJ’s have also struggled with anxiety disorders??
I will make a perfectly perfect mess on my desk. This is on purpose because I know where everything is and ppl are intimidated by my paper pile. It’s the greatest deterrent. And I know when anything has been moved or taken. Ha ha ha who else does this?
Helpful video!
Yeah... ❤️
Accurate, concise and hits home. This video is Gold! Thanks a lot Lauren! As someone who struggles to put my thoughts in words, this was so helpful.
Just say it. The INFJ has self security/esteem issues.
Truth is, everyone has things to work on within themselves to have better relationships.
Scarily me....yikes!!!
I find I can be flexible but inside it’s very painful to do so 😆. I do feel agitated when I set a plan and then it all goes wrong. Happened just this week actually. I go in and out of feeling like I have my life together . It gets a little out of whack at times ( mom life stuff ) so I sat down on Monday and planned out how I want the days to go , at what time I should do what to make things run smoothly and to be able to care for my family , homeschool my oldest ( and my kids have lots of appointments due to certain needs they have ) and be able to reach my own personal goals and what happens? My kid that is still in public school ( I have three kids) got sick for two days . I had to stop my neatly planned routine and go get him . Poor thing though , he felt so bad so in comes much empathy and I just loved on him and threw my plans for the day out the window lol. All or nothing thinking made me just want to scrap today and start fresh tomorrow . He was still sick the following day but not too bad so I got a little done but not much . We had one good day after that before my son fell at school and hurt himself kind of bad. I get a call while I’m on my morning walk ( exercise…. I’ve been stiff and achy and I need to move to get my circulation going ) that my son fell , busted between his eyes , bloody nose , busted lip and he has a headache . So I’m kind of worried I might need to monitor him and the nurse suggested that he might need to come home to so I go pick him up , get home and the darn lawn guy shows up to mow our yard , unexpectedly . I have no money on hand to pay ( he prefers cash and I had no checks anyway ) so now I have to rush off to the atm , get the money , come back …. That’s when I realized I almost forgot my daughter needed her allergy shots today and they close soon so we have to hurry ….. ugh …. My schedule is so blown apart at this point lol . I think I’ll start fresh next week lolol .