I took my child to daycare when she was 1 year old. She loved it. I was writing my dissertation, so I didn't have a job, but when she was 1 year old, I could no longer continue writing my doctoral dissertation with her on my lap, using the half-moon breastfeeding cushion thing, or on my chest using a wrap. The daycare was amazing, the food they made used produce from the owners' parent's orchard; the Spanish state (I live in Spain) is very strict about who gets daycare licenses, so much so that even the temperature is regulated (it must be 21.5 degrees all year), the number of kids per carer, the facilities, etc. My child would arrive, take the carer's hand, and waltz in. Perhaps she was confident because she had spent an entire year attached to me, breastfed on demand, sleeping between her parents, being comforted and loved by my mom's large extended family in the summer, thus learning to love others beyond her parents... she was sometimes the last kid in the daycare, when she was 3 (and I still breastfed her), and she was very much attached to her carers. Perhaps we were lucky because our daughter had one of those personalities that are "open to experience" and "agreeability" (she is now 14, and this is definitely the case). If she had cried and disliked daycare, I would not have left her there. If I had not been an immigrant, with no extended family and no close friends, my child would have spent her day with her grandparents, and seen tons of cousins each weekend. But the best I could do for her in our situation was to teach her, from the moment she was born, that she could count on mom and dad to be there for her...
My greatest regret is working full time as a mother. Part-time would have been the perfect solution for me to feel the joy I have in working, but also not missing out on being more of an integral aspect of my young son’s life.
My greatest regret was in being a full time SAHM without significant balance in personal needs/interests. Work was "meh" and I didn't miss it per se, but I missed being part of the adult world & being valued for myself, my knowledge & expertise and contributions... not as mom or as wife. Those roles were important, necessary, and good. But for example my intellectual side was numb. Lol ...and no one (except my sister and I'll never forget it) ever said "you're doing something so incredibly important, how can I support/help you?" Even now on SM I see SAHMs shamed as "less than" full human beings bc they're not chasing something "productive". I didn't have my family near or any close friends with similar aged children and I was desperately lonely. I was physically "there" but detached alot of the time. Being constantly "on" in an emotional and attentive way is unsustainable. Weekends were better bc I got to be around other ppl in the family. Point being, I wasn't in balance either. And after a certain point - that is not good for anyone else in the household either. I developed a serious drinking problem. It was temporary, abt 3yrs.. but I can never change that or the hurt it caused for others. Motherhood isn't easy. And we, as a society, don't prepare women well for or support them well in both their familial and personal health. Talking abt ideals, what's optimal for our children - including having support for mothers - is so important. We have too much shame & guilt no matter what we do/don't do. We need the bond with our children too... but we also have to practice self care 💗 I did the best I could with what I had & knew. I'm sure most women do.
It isn’t straight forward like the primary parent didn’t have a healthy bond. Some do and the father manipulates and disrupt that bond. It isn’t straight forward. Jeffrey March is preying on everyone. The healthy relationship can still be disrupted.
I’m listening on podcast- had to race here though to say thank you. Ive cried many times listening to this. And am struck that I lie still to protect my parents choices ( like I’ve protected others ) instead of saying how bad it hurts. It can hurt and me also still love them. Another great episode. Optimal is optimal. No one’s bad for not getting it perfect, but certainly there are better paths than others for optimally raising a human. Watch any other mammal.
AND it doesn’t change the reality that we heading fast towards external wombs and AI nannies/ friends. There’s going to be we dinosaurs out here, but I assure you we will soon be a minority… these lessons are good to train those neural nets on. Truth matters in teaching and passing on wisdom Again, great episode. I’m glad this got attention for you✨
I’ll say something very controversial , something that everybody knows but it seems like we are not allowed to say . Babies need their moms , they don’t really care about their fathers , we are mammals , the father could exist , non exist , it doesn’t matter for a baby or for a toddler , could be any man . The child has an instinctual attachment with the mother , that starts during the intra uterine life . The bond between mother and baby is very strong and it is typical of all mammalian species. The father as a caregiver is more of a social construct , in most mammalian species the father doesn’t play any role in raising the youngs .
I'll have to respectfully disagree. "Everybody" does not "know" babies don't really care about fathers. Human 'social constructs', more commonly referred to as "culture", should not be dismissed so flippantly. You are correct, "in most mammalian species, the father doesn't play any role in raising the young." however; humans beings are hardly reflective of most mammalian species. Human societies are far more complex. Your analysis fails to take into consideration that humans take waaaaay longer to achieve sexual maturity than 'most mammalian species." That variable alone, demonstrates two parents, a mother and a father, is far more optimal than a single parent. In addition, fathers provide interactions in the world mothers often cannot supply. Particularly in adolescents. Two parents are better than one. Each sex navigates the world differently, a 'diversity' of experience that cannot be ignored. Women and men compliment one another. When a child is raised by two well adjusted parents, the child is able to witness first hand how optimal interactions play out. You know what isn't a social construct? Pain. Pain and suffering. And if children aren't raised in an optimally healthy household, there will be chaos. Under chaos, there will be no shortage of pain and suffering to go around. I invite you to reconsider your position and to perceive its errors. 🐿
Margaret Mead said something along the lines of “fatherhood is a social construct, but a social utility”. I don’t think babies don’t “care” about their fathers. We can’t know what they care about for sure. I also kinda think mothers project their own bonds onto their babies. I’m not sure.
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Please bring back this panel of brilliant women. This is such an important topic and we need more of this! ❤
I took my child to daycare when she was 1 year old. She loved it. I was writing my dissertation, so I didn't have a job, but when she was 1 year old, I could no longer continue writing my doctoral dissertation with her on my lap, using the half-moon breastfeeding cushion thing, or on my chest using a wrap. The daycare was amazing, the food they made used produce from the owners' parent's orchard; the Spanish state (I live in Spain) is very strict about who gets daycare licenses, so much so that even the temperature is regulated (it must be 21.5 degrees all year), the number of kids per carer, the facilities, etc. My child would arrive, take the carer's hand, and waltz in. Perhaps she was confident because she had spent an entire year attached to me, breastfed on demand, sleeping between her parents, being comforted and loved by my mom's large extended family in the summer, thus learning to love others beyond her parents... she was sometimes the last kid in the daycare, when she was 3 (and I still breastfed her), and she was very much attached to her carers. Perhaps we were lucky because our daughter had one of those personalities that are "open to experience" and "agreeability" (she is now 14, and this is definitely the case). If she had cried and disliked daycare, I would not have left her there. If I had not been an immigrant, with no extended family and no close friends, my child would have spent her day with her grandparents, and seen tons of cousins each weekend. But the best I could do for her in our situation was to teach her, from the moment she was born, that she could count on mom and dad to be there for her...
My greatest regret is working full time as a mother. Part-time would have been the perfect solution for me to feel the joy I have in working, but also not missing out on being more of an integral aspect of my young son’s life.
My greatest regret was in being a full time SAHM without significant balance in personal needs/interests. Work was "meh" and I didn't miss it per se, but I missed being part of the adult world & being valued for myself, my knowledge & expertise and contributions... not as mom or as wife. Those roles were important, necessary, and good. But for example my intellectual side was numb. Lol
...and no one (except my sister and I'll never forget it) ever said "you're doing something so incredibly important, how can I support/help you?" Even now on SM I see SAHMs shamed as "less than" full human beings bc they're not chasing something "productive".
I didn't have my family near or any close friends with similar aged children and I was desperately lonely. I was physically "there" but detached alot of the time. Being constantly "on" in an emotional and attentive way is unsustainable. Weekends were better bc I got to be around other ppl in the family.
Point being, I wasn't in balance either. And after a certain point - that is not good for anyone else in the household either. I developed a serious drinking problem. It was temporary, abt 3yrs.. but I can never change that or the hurt it caused for others.
Motherhood isn't easy. And we, as a society, don't prepare women well for or support them well in both their familial and personal health.
Talking abt ideals, what's optimal for our children - including having support for mothers - is so important. We have too much shame & guilt no matter what we do/don't do. We need the bond with our children too... but we also have to practice self care 💗
I did the best I could with what I had & knew. I'm sure most women do.
It isn’t straight forward like the primary parent didn’t have a healthy bond. Some do and the father manipulates and disrupt that bond. It isn’t straight forward.
Jeffrey March is preying on everyone.
The healthy relationship can still be disrupted.
Was so glad the womens rights issues came up
Great panel great episode
Much appreciated conversation ❤
Good Morning, just getting started on your video ....100000% yes mothers need to be with their babies ❤️❤️❤️❤️
I’m listening on podcast- had to race here though to say thank you. Ive cried many times listening to this. And am struck that I lie still to protect my parents choices ( like I’ve protected others ) instead of saying how bad it hurts. It can hurt and me also still love them. Another great episode. Optimal is optimal. No one’s bad for not getting it perfect, but certainly there are better paths than others for optimally raising a human. Watch any other mammal.
Heh, from the title I assumed this was from Louise Perry. If anything I'm even more interested to see your take on the subject.
Thank you so much for having this conversation. I really needed this!
10:16 "applied shade to themselves" love that. Stealing it.
AND it doesn’t change the reality that we heading fast towards external wombs and AI nannies/ friends. There’s going to be we dinosaurs out here, but I assure you we will soon be a minority… these lessons are good to train those neural nets on. Truth matters in teaching and passing on wisdom
Again, great episode. I’m glad this got attention for you✨
I’ll say something very controversial , something that everybody knows but it seems like we are not allowed to say . Babies need their moms , they don’t really care about their fathers , we are mammals , the father could exist , non exist , it doesn’t matter for a baby or for a toddler , could be any man . The child has an instinctual attachment with the mother , that starts during the intra uterine life . The bond between mother and baby is very strong and it is typical of all mammalian species. The father as a caregiver is more of a social construct , in most mammalian species the father doesn’t play any role in raising the youngs .
I'll have to respectfully disagree. "Everybody" does not "know" babies don't really care about fathers. Human 'social constructs', more commonly referred to as "culture", should not be dismissed so flippantly. You are correct, "in most mammalian species, the father doesn't play any role in raising the young." however; humans beings are hardly reflective of most mammalian species. Human societies are far more complex. Your analysis fails to take into consideration that humans take waaaaay longer to achieve sexual maturity than 'most mammalian species." That variable alone, demonstrates two parents, a mother and a father, is far more optimal than a single parent. In addition, fathers provide interactions in the world mothers often cannot supply. Particularly in adolescents. Two parents are better than one. Each sex navigates the world differently, a 'diversity' of experience that cannot be ignored. Women and men compliment one another. When a child is raised by two well adjusted parents, the child is able to witness first hand how optimal interactions play out. You know what isn't a social construct? Pain. Pain and suffering. And if children aren't raised in an optimally healthy household, there will be chaos. Under chaos, there will be no shortage of pain and suffering to go around. I invite you to reconsider your position and to perceive its errors. 🐿
Margaret Mead said something along the lines of “fatherhood is a social construct, but a social utility”. I don’t think babies don’t “care” about their fathers. We can’t know what they care about for sure. I also kinda think mothers project their own bonds onto their babies. I’m not sure.