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"My Parents Did the Best They Could" - Or Did They?
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- Опубликовано: 1 фев 2020
- My Website: wildtruth.net
My Patreon: / danielmackler
Insanity defense (on wikipedia): en.wikipedia.o...
“Ignorance of the law is not a defense” (on Wikipedia): en.wikipedia.o...
The Repetition Compulsion: en.wikipedia.o...
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If parents changed their behavior around friends and family or people in public, they knew better.
Ding, ding, ding!!!
Thanks - wow, this is such a good point: mine were a typical narc/enabler couple: when there were guests around everything became so much better and just seconds after those flying monkeys left, hell was my reality again.
Ouch. Unfortunately, I got beat in public and it was boasted about publicly.
@@kirkcavenaugh758 🤗🤗
Stefan Molyneux has such a clear concise take on this topic.
This is denial. They didn't do the best they could, they did what was convenient to them. Actually, I think that you should run from a therapist who uses phrases such as "they did all they could", "don't you think it's time to forgive", "it was then, let's talk about now" and other equally hurting words that drive me nuts. I was raised by highly abusive parents, and no they didn't do what they could. They were both well educated, there was no alcohol in my home, my mother was working in the field of psychology (went through therapy herself), they knew exactly what was right and what wasn't.
indeed. When they say 'they did all they could' means 'don't you think it's time to forgive.
Definitely
My mom keeps saying that. “Mariah, that was in the past you should get over it.” Meanwhile I’m repeating the same mistakes in my friendships, and with significant others. I’m gonna sit and write down my patterns so that I can switch it. I can’t even normally empathize with someone online the conversation goes back to what I know best and what it was like for me. So annoying.
@@mariahconklin4150 it’s so hard to break dysfunctional patterns especially if we maintain the relationships in which learned them. I too want to journal about the patterns I see so I don’t let them become an inherent part of me. Awareness and conscientiousness is the first step and for having at least that I think we should be proud.
Personally I have long believed I need a good bit of distance from my family in order to break the patterns. The things that significant others say to us, though they can be painful, are also so valuable for growth.
Is it not time to forgive? Are you really going to let them continue to mess with you when you're gone from their lives? Forgiveness is the ultimate form of victory
When your mother breaks your nose by hitting you in the face with a 2x4, she knows she's hurting you. When she lies about it your whole life she definitely knows.
@@island661 I was only 11 years old. I've never hit my mother.
@@CHANNELQ2020 I feel for you.
When she lies about that is just her shielding herself from the guilt by simply denying it. I truly am sorry.
But hey, she did the best she could...
@@omaridavis8088 lol
Parents are often jealous when their children break out of the smallness they tried to put their kids in.
I resent my parents because I have always known that they DID NOT do the best they could and made choices on the daily to make me unhappy and miserable. That saying is a platitude.
Also I am very sorry for the the childhood you had to endure..mean people truly suck.
Same here. My parents were miserable and wanted me to be miserable like them. I also had a mother who spent the majority of time she had with my brother and I paying attention to her TV shows/movies, not to us.
@@lifeonwheels5756 ty, you are so kind.
My NM 100%. She divorced my father so I would not learn more about him I am convinced. So that she could spew lie after lie about him. Putting people at odds with other people was her speciality.
Society can't progress unless these things are openly discussed.
The family-unit permits these behaviors.
You can do anything to your children and then just say “I did not mean to”. Of course, if you “did not mean to”, the you are still a perfect parent. This is how parents’ logic works.
Freud would say that what parents actually MEAN is: "I DID mean to."
They get it from the Corp Gov, Banksters
My mom was a psychopath. She knew what she was doing. she should have been jailed for life
Sorry to hear that, i couldn't imagine going through that as a child, if someone can treat there own children that way, then they can do it to anyone and like u said at a minimum they should be in prison for child abuse. Incest, rape and molestation is America's dirty little secret and Nobody wants to talk about it so unfortunately it will never end
If you can excuse the conduct of parents by saying they did the best they could then there is no standard. That excuse can be used regardless of the behavior. Parents abused and killed their kids? They were just iverwhelmed with having kids. They did the best they could!
Yes.. Serial killers, mass shooters, drug dealers and gang bangers are “doing the best they can”.. they’ve all had troubled childhoods
Exactly! It creates an environment and society where parents (or an adult authority figure) can do any heinous thing to their children and hide behind the shield of "loving parental discipline" or "they did the best they could and were just stressed out" or even use their own "tragic" childhoods to avoid taking responsibility of the abuse and neglect that they put their own children through. The only time parents are blamed for horrible parenting is when they are permissive and their children become spoiled brats (and rightfully so). However, when the parents are abusive or authoritarian, society puts all the responsibility and blame on the child and they are told (really bullied into) to forgive the people who made their lives a living hell for years and move on. Even if the child wasn't a bad kid and the parents were in fact complete monsters, society still defends the abusive parents regardless. It's sickening how adults can talk for days about abusive relationships and domestic violence between partners and spouses and say things like "love isn't abuse" or "that people who love you shouldn't hit you", but the second this logic is used between parents and children those very same adults back pedal and say shit like "my parents beat me because they loved me" or "that they beat me with the intent of love" (as if intentions make horrible actions acceptable) and make a plethora of other excuses for parents hitting their kids. It's nothing but another disgraceful and disgusting double standard of society in the same vain in how female domestic abusers and pedophiles aren't punished severely as male offenders. It's funny how society thinks real men shouldn't beat or hit women because women are often smaller and weaker than men but think it's perfectly okay for men (and women of course) to beat and brutalize children eventhough children are much smaller and weaker than both men and women and cannot defend themselves against adult aggressors. I think people who were abused as children by the parents aren't miserable because they haven't forgiven their abusers, but because their abusive parents aren't brought to justice and held accountable. That can create hatred and resentment in someone's heart. It's sad that so many people have suffered at the hands of their own parents more than street thugs, serial killers, or terrorists (not to discredit anyone who has suffered at the hands of evil people like that). I think the only way this cycle of pain and suffering will stop is if the next generation of parents don't mimick the mistakes of their parents and find better ways to rear and discipline their children. I guess that's easier said than done.
@@Sketch_Seshright... but it’s interesting how we demonize and punish any criminal except parents... parents are forever to be kept untouchable and holy (unless they do the most severe & obvious physical offenses on their child (and sometimes not even then)).
Then people today have NO right to expect quality doctors, auto mechanics, "lawyers", "Politicians", "healthcare". If "parents" can be abusive with Impunity, that's a Sign the WHOLE COUNTRY and those in "power" ARE ALSO!
This mentality has driven me NUTS since the 70s! No wonder we live in TOTAL corruption and EVIL! Can't people see it's a HEALTH CRISIS? It's Dysfunctional to take on another's Debt.
Exactly! To put it in a different context show how screwed it is. Thank you for pointing this out. They coud have opened a book on child rearing if they didn't know better....
For anyone trying to heal from child abuse or neglect, know that you never deserved being abused, abandoned or neglected. You were a child and the adults and the communities in your life had the responsibility to take care of you with loving-kindness. They were responsible for their actions or inaction, but you can take control of your healing, knowing that you can find others who are trustworthy, that you are needed in this world and that if we speak truth to power, we can finally take care of that child within.
Be honest with yourself, treat yourself with gentle loving-kindness and seek out those people, places and experiences which facilitate and self-actualize the beauty that is you.
Incredibly written, thank you 🙏🏻 Mark!
That helped me so much that I took a screenshot so I can remember it! May God bless you in your healing 🙏💖
My parents did the best they could but it was not good enough. They physically, emotionally and psychologically abused me, and so, what they did was not good enough. Yes, they didn't have the best childhoods, but I remember when they did horrible things to me, as a small child, I consciously thought to myself "I will never do this to my children.: I don't let them off the hook, even though they are dead now. They inflicted great damage on me, and they should have known better. There is NO EXCUSE WHATSOEVER for beating children, EVER.
I agree,,I have never spanked my 3 grown children,, never. I stayed home with them and never left them with any sitters .how can those things not be common knowledge to a parent?
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 are you serious? Leaving your child in the care of strangers is what's insane .
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 YOU are insane tp pass jusgement on someone else to do the BEST fpr thwir chid an what is BEST dor ALL children. Pu pbvioudy habe jealousy issues tjat you had to use a sitter. Kids are not meant tp be raised by babysitter daycare, oR public brainwashing indoctrination schools either.
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 Please leave others alone
I agree. I would add, there is no excuse for verbal abuse either. A parents' invalidating, despising and threatening angry outbursts, just because the child is not so great at the area where the parent excelled, can hurt for a lifetime and can undermine the child's self-confidence for good.
I sometimes hear parents (particularly middle aged or older) use the phrase, "it would have been worse with my parents" or "if I had done/said that to my parents, I would have been kicked out/disowned/received a worse punishment" to their adult son or daughter with a similar mentality. It doesn't have to be an extreme act of rebellion, sometimes it's just a minor argument. While it might seem slightly better than "we did the best we could", it can come across as "we did not like something about the way we were raised, so as long as we are convinced the bar has been raised a little, we've done well". Some parents seem to have a hard time just admitting that they are flawed in one way or another and the last person they will accept the idea from is their own children (regardless of age).
Wow, I literally thought something along these lines the other day. That as long as my childhood wasn't as bad as theirs, then they did good.
Never make an excuse for your parents harming you in any way. It's an often painful realization but it will benefit you in the long run.
Just don’t have your own children. You may think you can do better, but remember you will fail.
@@libbyt5869 No parents are perfect, and I acknowledge that. But some parents are downright neglectful and abusive. And I already did better than they did as I ended up having to raise my younger sibling who is happy, emotionally stable and successful.
This. We hear so many messages about forgiving and forgetting what our parents did to us but that’s the opposite of healing! That will cause us to just continue to repress it and our feelings around it, so we never heal! When people tell you that, they are blocking your healing! We have to disobey and dare to respect and value ourselves, the way none of them do, and get that material up and out into the light of day!
@@penyarol83 Exactly! Super well put.
I think most of us would have gotten by with parents who were just "good enough". Sadly even this mediocre standard is something some parents aren't capable of.
My mother used this phrase in one of our last phone calls. It was difficult to say, but I simply said that it was not good enough.
Now I'm the bad guy for hurting her feelings...
It feels pretty manipulative. I also notice the change towards anger when you hold your ground after facing the 'I did the best I could' phrase.
When emotions change that quickly towards a more aggressive state I start to question the sincerity of the prior apparent emotional state...
Nalis Solus
They are experts at flipping abuser and victim roles
@@oompaloompa9139 DARVO: Defend, Argue, Reverse Victimization, Offense.
Mine did the same that phrase is upsetting to me now, lol, but I get it. My response " That was your best?" CPS was called several times but it didn't seem to be that bad to them. How bad did someone have to be? And everyone in our small town knew what was going on. So glad I am not there. I saved myself somehow. Always great videos, ty.
Thanks for this video, Daniel. Good stuff. My mom had mental health issues from dealing with her childhood trauma. She replicated it with me and my siblings for sure. But she’s made up for what she did when we were young. My mom is 85 now and has been one of the few people in my life to support me as an adult. Thank God she has insight and has apologized and asked forgiveness for her actions. She earned the right to be in my life when I was an adult and I’m so thankful for that. She paid her dues for what she did and more. I wish more parents would take responsibility for what they’ve done and earn the right to stay in the lives of their children as adults.
My mom said she did the best she could. I never believed it for a single f-ng secound.
What about parents whom when the topic of abuses come up their only defense is to repeat "we did the best we could," ad nauseum. Like a monk's chant of non-compliance.
... just trying to get you to buy it and stop noticing how they're harming you. Sad.
I held my parents responsible but they didn't seem to care at all. My way out of trauma was to finally accept that I did not have loving caring parents and that nobody ever promised me to have emotionally healthy parents (not even God in the Bible 🙂). That I'm on my own and I must choose how I'm going to live my life since nobody showed me how to live it in a healthy positive way. This helped me to go ahead. Good luck on your way dear friends. I think that accepting the facts that the parents did what they did and it's their responsibility to make good choices (or not)...
Yes, i’m in a similar situation. Finally accepting that my parents were never going to be loving, healthy people and they will always be toxic narcs who try to sabotage my success and happiness... accepting these facts without bitterness or resentment and moving forward in life has helped a lot
Yes, I think it's good to acknowledge the truth. The truth makes us free 🙂 Good journey dear friend! A lot of supporting thoughts from EU
Mila Ka I agree Mila 👍 Thank you for the kind reply and I wish you happy life journeys!
I was always very bitter about the fact it was me who got the short end of the stick when it comes it parent figures. Because why me? The pain was and sometimes still is unbearable. An out of body experience almost. But lately I realised it wouldn't be any more fair if it happened to anyone else.
Hugs to you all! That is the biggest step that sucks the most -- realizing that your parents didn't love you no matter what they said to the contrary.
I like your take on "they did the best they could". I always hated that phrase because it sounds like an excuse for something that is not right. Even worse, saying that phrase is held by society as a form of virtue.
The interesting thing about it is that there is an implied acknowledgment that what they did was wrong, else it wouldn't be worth mentioning.
I never thought of that, but what you're saying makes a lot of sense. It's an insanity plead. "What they did was wrong, but it's not their fault, they didn't know what they were doing".
I agree that it's not a good enough argument. An adult should be held responsible for their actions even if they didn't know what they were doing. There's a reason why using the insanity defense results in some of your rights being removed: it gives the state the right, and the duty, to treat you like a child.
There's a difference between fault and responsibility. It's not the parents' fault that they are screwed up, but it is their responsibility when it comes to how they treat their children.
The goal is not to throw anyone under the bus, but to start owning our own actions as adults. I think it's noble. There's pride in bearing our own cross.
Yes, the difference between fault and responsibility. TY.
There's a huge culturo-economic factor as well. Strong parenting is not a part of our culture and it's intensely screwed up by TV and what's available to us, and the price of things economically. A constrained rabbit is not a happy rabbit.
This is why I absolutely will not bring children into this world. The cycle of trauma ends with me.
Do some mushrooms, that’s a scary way of thinking whether you have children or not.
Same. 66, no kids no regrets. I was not fit then. The guilt I do not carry....
a lot of people are under stockholm syndrome, deeply trauma-bonded to their parents. From that place they defend and excuse them in all sorts of ways. I’ve been there too. Thankfully I have some good therapists who called me out on it, and soon after I came across your book ‘Breaking from your Parents’. It has helped me greatly. I’ve stopped defending and excusing the actions of my parents and I held them accountable instead. They have definitely not done the best they could. They did some outright horrible and cruel things to me that they knew weren’t right... and they did them anyway. There’s no excuse and no justification for that. Facing the frightening and harsh reality of that has been deeply painful, but also immensely liberating. I’m still going through the process of breaking from my parents... it pushes me to edge emotionally, but it’s more than worth it. It's worth going through the pain to reclaim your power and set yourself free.
I hope you've made progress ... Mourning the loss of love from your parents is one of the biggest steps (as I see it).
Yes!!
Yes and people like Gabor mate believe moms start passing down the trauma in the womb this is real
@@leahflower9924 It’s called in-utero trauma, I think. The mother, of always stressed and in high anxiety while carrying, can affect the child. I can’t imagine that high levels of cortisol in the mothers bloodstream to the child is a good thing. As a result, it makes such kids easily prone to dysregulation.
Some kids can't connect to their parents, but can perceive the parents childhood trauma, & thats the only way they connect.
Thats why they subconsciously excuse away a lot of abuse meted out to them.
If my parents did the best they could then they are pathetic and poor excuses for parents. My parents were neglectful and physical and mental abuse. They couldn’t break the cycle of abuse; I however did break the cycle. I decided regardless of how I was treated i was going to do whatever necessary to do my best to be kind and learn compassion and empathy.
My mother ruined my life. Because of her hatred towards my father she purposely turned me against him from a young age. She deprived me of his presence in my life simply to get at him as revenge. Have'nt seen him since 13, now 31. Just realised all these things over the last year...
He kind of made the best choice. Because she would have just created more drama and lies no matter what he did. She would have escalated everything and you would have been even more confused. My mother lied about me to my father and my father to me and we lived in the same house. Your mother didn’t care if it would have been better for you to have your father’s love and support because she wasn’t getting it. Who knows if your father is decent or not but your mother definitely isn’t.
Mine. Told me he died when I was 11 years old.. he reached out to me at age 28 I’m 30 now
Parents sometimes still try to traumatize their adult children.
I fully agree. In my view a parent-child bond lasts for life, hence some parents (maybe more than we think) do abuse their power over their children throughout their lifetime.
phew, i wish i had daniel as my therapist , . my family are incredible , they think i dont want to see them because of something that happened as a child ( ive mentioned the psychology of childhood to them unfortunately) so in my absence they have formulated that im am wrong , because i think too deeply about things...my childhood was ok , unfortunately i was left on my own too long , so ive withdrawn to the point where i dont want to rely on anyone else, ive made my bed now i have to lie in it ...on my own. No my problem is that i am 55 years old and they still talk to me like a naughty 13 year old , I have even said to their faces calmly , look this is what i dont like please dont do it. but that made them worse , now EVERYTHING i do is wrong , even the way i wear my hat ! i have no choice but to dissappear out of their lives for my own sanity
Yes that is very true.
I had a similar experience with the "being left alone" situation, it has been on my my mind a lot this year. That and their constant verbal / physical anger addiction to each other 4 to 5 or 6 nights a week (we could not leave the house) going on for hours put a crimp in my adulthood too.
I was doing a family constellation recently and stood in front the violence/negligence in my childhood (represented by one of the other participants). I felt so sympathetic towards it and was completely confused. I couldn't even recognize it as violence and felt how bonded I am with it! It was as if I was feeling physically and emotionally the Stockholm syndrome. I think this bonding plays also a part in why children say "they did the best they could". Holding them responsable feels like betraying them.
Hugs
@@EmbraceTerror Thank you 🙏
Can I please ask the outcome of that constellation, what you gathered in the end about it? I’m in such a painful similar position with the negligence and violence. Are you able to live well now? Thank you
@@Mia15239 Dear Rarara, I feel touched by your response and thank you for sharing your pain. Regarding your question to the outcome: This session is already so much in the past, I cannot remember it fully. i remember there was an inner part, that was in that constellation (also represented by another participant), it was a ressource, a quality within myself, that was with me all along all the time since my beginning (I think it was my true self, the part of me, that was never ever in threat and that was still undamaged). The therapist got this inner part to help me see it, which took away the veil of blissfull ignorance towards the violence/negligence. It's a process and every tiny bit of inner awareness transforms the pain into love. I cannot say what exactly this constellation did to me, but I can say that all the therapy sessions, group sessions etc (which I did a ton of and still to it today) alltogether made a huge difference. Today I'm currently still afraid of intimite relationships and still not fully recovered from Stockholm Syndrome (which shows for example in my job with toxic coworkers or bosses), however I'm so much more in peace with that and with me and my past and my parents and can much better stand up for myself. Every day I rate my day between -5 and +5, with 0 in a neutral state. For years and even decades my days were a -3 or even -4, the general feeling was -2. Since several months I have more and more 0 and +1. 😊 This is huge for me and it shows, no matter how hurt we got, we can close the wounds with the help of the loving parts within ourselves and the help of kind and compassionate therapists and friends that mirror these. I hope that wasn't too detailed. Sending you a warm virtal hug ❤
@@lovethineownself7994 thank you so much… it wasn’t too detailed, I love detail, your response helped me a lot. I’m glad for your healing and where you are right now. Amazing, thank u for the virtual hug ❤️
Absolutely love this. I work in enforcement and this is exactly what we're taught. I just never applied it to my life. My parents were emotionally abusive and ive always given them the benefit of the doubt and said they did the best they could. Your video has seriously helped. Thank you.
I’ve always found this a cop out!! My dad always chose to turn into his own father no matter what. Even though his own father was such a toxic, autocratic, selfish person.My dad could’ve cut him off and gotten therapy, but never did. He still does everything “just because it happened to him”. The lack of self awareness? Instead actively chose the same dynamic of his own parents, with a wife that doesn’t stand up to the toxic husband.
Yuuppp, can't blame your parent so you blame yourself; "I'm an idiot, I'm a coward, I'm so stupid" ughhh. And all the feelings smashed.
Great analysis of responsibility. The latter kind reminded me more of Aristotle on ignorance than Socrates, actually (but maybe they had that in common). It's really my parents who told me they did the best they could. I do think that is probably to some degree bullshit, but in other ways clearly true. I think a lot of people come out with this statement because they are acquiescing and forgiving. They don't want to spend a life ruminating about the possibility that their parents could have done better or should have known better. Acknowledging that your parents could have done otherwise, and not traumatised you, is a really frightening realisation. Things really could have been so different? I mourn that unrealised reality.
As people we all can almost always have done better. The only exception I'd say is someone doing a physical activity until their body literally gives out from muscle fatigue and/or lack of energy in your system. But if even that is hard to determine, then it is near impossible to say you "did everything you could" so confidently about something as long term as raising a child.
And to be honest, some situations are making one choice out of a selection of bad choices. That can happen. To admit that you were imperfect, is far better. And tension is usually avoided I think, with well meaning adult children, myself included. Only recently have I started to scratch the surface that my own mother is not a good person, but a deeply flawed individual, and she took me down with her in many ways. She did well for me in many ways, but she fell short in a lot of ways too. I should be able to understand that there was good and bad, but not use the good to excuse the bad, and repress things, nor should I let the bad overwrite the good and make me entirely ungrateful. I am figuring it out.
I realize that people can be horrible parents, but inherited trauma and learned behavior is really difficult to break when there are no healthy patterns around to follow and often neither parent has true support. It used to be the extended family, church, village that had a regulating force on people. No more. I think we are putting too much blame on the individual and too little on society. Like blaming someone for their mental illness. This is why parenting and emotional intelligence should be taught in school and communities classes and then no one could say they didn't know.
I've always understood "did the best they could" as a euphemistic, self-dishonest (though not self-awarely so) way of saying "I forgive their mistakes." Or at least it accomplishes saying as much without taking a morally superior stance which would invite retaliation from the type of people who have already harmed their children before.
I don't remember much of my childhood and I know why! My parents were highly abusive and alcoholic and emotionally immature and provided no protection from physical and emotional and sexual and psychological abuse. I've been working on my inner child for a long time and I'm not giving up. Thanks, Daniel 🙏💖👍✅💯
My parents did the WORST they could.
you made my day!!!!!!!! ha ha ha ha ha ha. The sad part is that my parents did it too.
Yes haha 😆
Damn
I don’t know about that, it seems to me that many parents don’t do the best they could at being the worst parents they could be.
Some very good points.
The way I look at it is, it’s not legal to hit other members of the public yet my parents somehow felt it was ok to hit me when I was a defenceless little child.
It’s sickening to think that the most dangerous place for some children is in their own home.
Another way of looking at this is no one in this world has ever hit me except for my mum and dad and they were the ones I sought love and protection from.
This is so true
Why is this phrase a one way street? No one ever says it about the kids. Parents are assumed to be gods while no one knows why their kids turned out to be “monsters”
I remember trying to talk to my mother about certain things she did to me. These were things I wasn't even sure of. She denied every single thing I brought up. While I knew some of my feelings might have been wrong, I knew not all of them were. So I could then see that my mother essentially believed that she was infallible.
Later, I called her out on her belief in her own perfection. At that time, after being a little overwhelmed by everything I was saying, she told me to just forget about her completely. To just forget that she was even my mother.
In my own life, I could feel times that I felt that way - times when I felt I wish I never existed so that I could never bring harm to others. I wish I could just be obliterated out of existence so that I could stop this senseless cycle of perpetrating harm. As much as I want to run from the truth of my life, I know that it comes from a desire to reject my own responsibility. And that's what my mother did and it's what we all love to do.
My mom always talks about how wonderful her parents were, and she had a good relationshipwith with them.... but she was evil to us (except one whom she singled out). So I don't think she was repeating a childhood trauma. And earlier, when I believed my mother just didn't know better (how to be a good mom, but that was doing the best she knew or could) I loved her, but when I realized she did know and could do very good , but only to one of her children...it was the worst pain in the world.
My Mom is completly insane. Whatever i confront her with what happened in the passed or happens now she either says that she doesnt remember that , she didnt say that or she blocks it by not really answering or by talking down my opinion. Example: My mother cleans the home every day multiple times but our home is allready perfectly clean. And she does it in a very noisy way. When i confront her about that she says that my opinion about what she does is not the reality and what she does is normal. Or she says that i should let her. 2 Example: I notice that often she answers my father in a kind of rude way and seems annoyed by him or she doesnt answer at all. And she makes our daily life very complicating cause in a family you need to communicate over many things. So i confront her about it cause i dont want to have a toxic athmosphere at home. Normally she denies that she acts often rude towards him and says that she answers normal.
And its true, thats pure insanity. Im 19 now and i see that this left many scars on my soul. ( i only showed 2 of many examples and not only my mother is the “guilty“ one but also my Dad).
I'm also 19 years old. Totally relate to you. "I am doing the best I can" is the phrase that I'm really scared of my mom saying. How can this spoiled, unexperienced, imature "toddler" tell me the caregiver and breadwinner (she's both) these sort of things. Who has done *everything* to give him the best I could, yet he's so *ungrateful* not recognizing that. Really. *What could I possibly say* ? I live with her, I see everyday, I talk to her everyday -even tough I don't always want to, not cause I'm mad but because I'm autistic and need some space, private moments, yet she doesn't care about that she only cares about fullfilling her emotional needs. I know ALL the stuff she goes through, I know all the sacrifices she makes, I know how unhappy she is, I know how exhausting that is, I really wanted to help her(and also my father) since I was a little child. But what could I possibly do? They didn't shared anything with me, they mentally unstable me in early years, it was all really confusing. I do not see them as adults has *YEARS* . they're just grown up kids; basically teenagers with a lot more responsabilities.
I know they Love me. I know they would do anything for me. I know they would give their lifes for me. Honestly, that isn't enough. Now I may sound like a really spoiled brat who wants everything, but all I wanted was *parents* who could raise me in a good environment. It doesn't need to be a palace whit lots of toys and playful activites, or in the fields with constant nature contat, or fulltime parents always there to do everything at any time with me; I just wanted *adults* who could learn from their mistakes and trying to raise their offsprings to be better than them; to know how insane this world is and trying to do the right thing and always following the path of truth, so that they could pass that to their children with love, giving hope to this world; but that just a dream.
It's really hard to get to know how your parents really screwed up your life, even tough it doesn't seem that. And I can't talk that to people they would never understand, they live by some stupid social, ethical and common sense rules that if you take them out of that to show them the reality It might cause then to go mad. I don't hate them. I really don't. Neither do I love them. I wish them a good and fullfilling life - but might be hard since they're already in the middle of it. God forgive their mistakes even those they're unawared of, cause it might be horrible to be permanently out or blind on the right and truthful path. When I'll leave "home" - doesn't, and never, felt like one - I'll never talk or have any contact with them again, I wanna be free from these rotting life. I know it's not going to be easy, but at least I can choose who will become a part of my life from there.
Thanks for your time reading that ^-^
Sorry for the long text, here's a flower shape cookie for you
✿٩(◕‿↼ )
Get into a program that assists you in obtaining your own apartment and help you secure a job so you can live they way you want.
@@claudieC. What kind of programs because I'm trying to bounce as well
@@Starfishxoxo get connected to an autism support group or see a specialist that works with autistic adults. A social service agency would also be a good place to inquire on programs that help young adults get independent.
My earliest memories are of sleeping in the hallway outside their room and feeling like I couldn’t knock on the door. It didn’t happen often but it must have been traumatic for it to be one of my only memories from prior to 5yrs old. My parents “lost” me at the ski slopes 2 separate times and we didn’t go very many times.. I spent both days at the lodge waiting for them to “find” me. Literally skied down the hill without me. Then my dads advice was “ask what you can do to help!” When if he did that to me would have make him a good parent. His only advice was “you’ll figure it out”. And “get a clue!!” I was struggling to breathe with tonsillitis and having a severe asthma attack.. so what happened? He took me to the ER of course!! But?! On the way he stopped at the store to go shopping. You might ask “how long?” At least 10 minutes, maybe 20z. Left me to die almost. I was struggling to breathe, like every breath. And that was the last time I cried for over a decade. I was 12 or 13. In 95’.. no cell phones..I brought it up in my 20s and he didn’t remember it. He was a self proclaimed “marriage counselor” for a bit giving others advice. He and my mom had a terrible detached relationship. He even wrote a book called personal change. He’s far too arrogant to take anyone’s advice. So one night I wrote him an email telling him this and that maybe sense he is too insightful to take others advice he should go read his book, might get something from it. My mother worked but went back to school for 6 weeks on 6 off..a lot, would leave for 6 weeks when we were young teenagers, what could go wrong right? The big thing was negligence. When my parents tell me they love me it’s about the most meaningless thing I hear. Even remember feeling that way as a child. Maybe I should find a good therapist ya? Haha
Yes, having too much compassion for our abusers, I mean parents, can really stunt the healing process which demands that you get clear about what happened to you and how it affected you
I think it's the strategy we have to use in order to live besides them when we are young.We have to persuade ourselves they are kind and it's safe to stay with them.
My sister reached out via text twice since I broke from my family. The last time, she tried to gaslight me this way: "Our mom was 100x better than my spouse's crappy mom--and he forGAVE her." Mind you, my sister, the youngest, was given the most by my parents, treated the best, is likely the least damaged by the divorces, etc. She wasn't even there when the bad things happened to her brothers, so she's missing so much of the information. Yet, I'm sure her spouse told her every bad thing he had to deal with. It's completely skewed.
I didn't even reply, and we haven't texted since. I have to work extra hard to keep her out of it, because she's not really the one responsible. But I also can't have her around, because she's enthralled to the damaging parent--and was her favorite. Caution tape around all of them is what I can do for now.
As someone who experienced a lot of trauma at the hands of my parents, I know the disappointment of hearing that phrase 'Your parents did the best they could,' from more than one therapist. I felt let down when I needed validation.
But, as a parent who really did the best I could whilst processing my own trauma, it makes sense. I think the small difference between my parents, especially my mother and me is that I am willing to own my mistakes with my now grown up child. I have apologised to her and I own it. I hope that she accepts that. We are very close.
I'm at a point where I'm almost healed. I can offer compassion to myself and my parents, and forgiveness but it hasn't been an easy journey. None of us are perfect. There are no perfect parents.
You have to go through a certain 'trial by fire' to get to this mindset. Or at least be at a position to utter such things. Because believe it or not....society never cares about you airing your grievances. People will blame you instead.
Indeed "my parents did wrong things to me" must be reserved for therapists.
I thought of a parallel between ecology and trauma: we all used so many plastic stuff, who is now everywhere in the oceans. We were not aware, maybe. But still, it's our responsability.
I shared this thought with a friend who is replicating her trauma on her child, and she was not happy with it.
Daniel, would you one day make a video about how, if possible, encourage people to become aware of what they are doing?
It is so frustrating and enraging to see and not being able to transmit it to others
My dad never hit us, but my mom was insane. She would use the electric cord from a skillet, wind up as far as she could and beat us until she was exhausted. She denies it all when I have confronted her on this as an adult. The strange thing is she told me that her parents never hit her.
YOU ARE SOOOOOOOOOO RIGHT IN YOUR ANALYSIS 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼. I’m a lawyer in Mexico and you are perfectly accurate in your legal reasoning 🙋🏻♀️
why is it important to mention that you are a lawyer in Mexico?
@@veraivakic the lawyer part was to establish that she had some knowledge on the subject of legal reasoning (which was the last two words of her comment, referring to Daniel's legal analogies to the scenario where either the parents were responsible for failing their children or they weren't). The Mexico part, as far as I can tell, was just to point out her location. Daniel likes to see that people from all over the world watch his videos.
It's possible (judging by how your question sounded rhetorical) that you were suggesting that just because someone is trained in a profession doesn't mean they're fluent in the reasoning necessary to be good at it. While this is often true, lawyers have higher stakes for demonstrating competence than therapists, for example. That's why I take someone being a lawyer as evidence of proficiency in legal reasoning.
If someone willingly signed up for a job that they weren't qualified for, and ended up screwing up in a way that ruined someone else's life, would people so eagerly excuse it away with "they did the best they could"?
Its' never really about 'the best they can do,' its really about when someone tells you you fell short in their relationship, its about the apology. People who use 'the best i can do' really don't like hearing their shortfalls.
That's powerful stuff. I'm glad I found this channel
There was a phrase I came up with a while ago, or at least I think I came up with it, I don't believe I've heard anyone else say it, but it goes "trauma has no free will". That is to say, when people get into situations or positions in which they can act out their traumas, they always will do so. I see people very often say "I won't be like my parents", but intention is never enough to stave off that need to act out what one has been through. It has to be acknowledged, it has to be addressed and most importantly, it has to be grieved.
I agree! Very insightful comment.
my parents definitely THINK they’re not guilty 😆
thank you for having the courage to talk about uncomfortable topics. Much respect.
I'm confused about the definition of being responsible. Because they're behaving is against my concept of "being responsible".
Firstly, my parents doesn't even want to admit what they did/doing to me. The maximum they can admit is that they have good intention but execute imperfectly. Any discussion beyond that will become accusation of my unappreciation. Whatever verbal and physical abuse is just them trying to improve me from an awful kid to a perfect/proper kid, and I think that implies I deserved it.
Secondly, they won't apologize for the damage done, no matter they did consciously or not. I think they don't dare to realize/admit they were way too wrong. This is to keep their illusion, lies and self-perception as "the great and selfless parents". They suggest I'm solely responsible for our "bad relationship" because I'm such a mean person.
Lastly, they have no intention to change their behaviour in future. I can't put them in jail, the law can't punish them. Although for very long time I would love to kill them very much, until I realize my life worth much more than struggling with them.
I am one of the person told myself "they did their best". It helped me stop expecting anything from my parents, because they just incapable and no intention of doing things differently in the future. So I will accept the fact.
So good!! When I mention all the abuse to my father, he never remembers any of it. He’s blocked it out.
Very good Daniel, this essay receives an A++ first class, insightful and honest, educational and interesting
Daniel, your video on the reality of spirituality is brilliant. I wanted you to know that a crowd of us realists in Ireland watch it allot. We have been spiritually bypassing for decades with religion and so called spirtual bullshit. We never got the importance of doing the gritty, painful phychological work on ourselves. That is enlightenment, not the bullshit enlightenment they preach. An inner release and peace has emerged in us that we never ever experienced with listening to/reading so called spirtual teachings. Could you please help the world by talking about this bypassing thus avoiding reality and our truama. We are all traumatised by being here, by others etc. Could you do more videos on that. Great true diamond work you do Daniel. Ireland
Cool -- thanks!! I'll think about more videos on this!!
True words!
Would not the 60s/70s revolution have addressed this?
or did we slide backwards.
I do think my mother was an amazing mother in so many ways. She did sacrifice a ton for us. She worked so hard to provide for us, taking very little for herself. Emotionally / psychologically, however, she has been so traumatizing. I would be willing forgive her to some degree, though I would still want distance, IF SHE WAS WILLING TO CHANGE. What I think is utterly unforgivable is parents not willing to come to terms with the ways in which their behavior harmed and continues to harm their children. I think the relationship could even be salvaged in some form if parents are willing to change going forward without discussion of the past. But continuing to harm their children after being made aware of the effects of their behaviors, and dismissing those assertions, is truly unacceptable IMO.
In my view the child's worst trauma comes from the lack of the parents' unconditional love, because that creates a constant existential fear for the child, constant anxiety, and constant struggle for survival. This means intentional harm since the child, entirely reliant on the parent is repeatedly reminded that he has to perform as per the requirement otherwise he is discarded. He is mere investment with the parents' expectation of a high return on equity. The intentional harm becomes more obvious when the toxic parent sees her/his child as one who does not deliver the expected benefits, hence the parent eventually pushes away the child, and/or withdraws validation and love (ie the pretension thereof) as a means of punishment and/or emotional blackmail.
Case in point - I often wonder if the father in the movie "Shine" does his best as a parent? Posted here:
ruclips.net/video/iN98-qTccbo/видео.html (worth watching)
My take, he is not doing his best. He is a toxic parent and such parent often has the same effect as the alcohol does: motivates one for high achievement while being the very obstacle for one to achieve anything at all.
That's something you'd never hear me say.
Holy shit, that’s a revealing perspective.
To this day my mother, who is a therapist, excuses her abandonment actions towards my younger self on the basis of “I didn’t know” and “I had to because the economy etc…”. She says that she has grieved those mistakes but it usually comes across like self pity. It’s confusing and ironic to me how the abandonment began at 6 months old when she decided to begin become a marriage and family therapist.
As much as parents are unknowingly abusing their kids, they are also doing the same to themselves. And I think people should also realize that the more that they blame/resent their parents, the more abuse they are inflicting on themselves. This is because you are now reinforcing a perspective that doesn't actually free you of pain but rather justifies the pain you have felt/currently feel. All this does is keep the pain alive. This may be a necessary part of the healing process but it must ultimately be transcended if you want to truly free yourself of pain.
I think the "they did they best they could" is going to mean something different depending on who is saying it or interpreting it, but I find that it can be a good tool to remind yourself that nobody is "perfect". I think most would agree that nobody is "consciously" trying to create suffering for themselves or others, but sometimes people have to experience enough suffering to realize the unhealthy patterns that have been operating within them. It is just a natural evolution. So honestly, as much you can "blame" your parents for the abuse they have afflicted on you, you can just as easily have sympathy for them because of all the abuse they have dealt with from their parents and even themselves unconsciously.
Use "they did the best they could" not as an excuse for your parents actions, but as a reminder that people can only operate at the level of consciousness that they're currently at. It's like trying to hold a toddler accountable for not knowing how to dress themselves. Yes you can try to teach them and show them what to do, but they won't be able to do it on their own until they're ready to. So it's not worth trying to fight this reality, but rather accept and work with it instead. Don't allow other people's lack of emotional intelligence to dictate your ability to be happy and at peace. Be as intelligent as you can be so that not only are you able to avoid unnecessary suffering, but now you are an example to those around you and are now more likely to have pleasant interactions with them. But obviously don't be afraid to remove yourself from a situation or a person that is very unhealthy and a source of needless suffering.
I like this
@@legalfictionnaturalfact3969 ?
I think on the contrary that, realizing that, even if they were unaware, they are responsible, does free you. Never read "the truth will set you free"? Everybody is accountable for his/her shadow, knowing that otherwise, someone else will have to carry it. But I think that to realize it, someone has to stop thinking, and start feeling.And then the wall of excuses crumbles, and it is another world on the other side, where an explanation is not equivalent to an excuse.
@@iferal5205 Great way to phrase a fundamental truth.
I Feral As long as you are able to come to some sort of realization or understanding that frees you, I think that’s all that matters. What works for one person may not work for another, and vice versa.
However I would argue that the common saying “my parents abused me” isn’t even the full truth (I’m talking strictly emotional abuse here). Because while they may have repeatedly directed extremely hostile words at you, you can only be abused if you accept what they are saying, or rather allow it to affect you. Obviously this is very unlikely if you are a young kid, but the truth is, your parents can only have control over your inner state if you allow them to. They cannot “force” you to feel certain emotions. You are the only one in your body.
This can take a lot of practice but it’s definitely possible to stay calm and unshaken even if someone is yelling at you. Or at least more calm. The key for me was the realization that “everyone is in their own world” and that no one can ever actually know what it’s like to be you except you. And so I also realized that if we were ACTUALLY able to step into each other’s worlds and truly see and experience each other’s realities, everything would make sense. We would have complete understanding for one another because we would finally be able to wear the goggles of someone else. The goggles that we are always wearing and that fundamentally shape and dictate our experience of reality.
Everyone has a unique set of beliefs about themselves and the world in general. They have their own unique outlook on life, as well as patterns in their thinking and emotions, whether they are conscious of it or not. Everyone is living in their own reality. We all have our own unique pair of goggles, or “ego”.
The problem is we assume that other people know our reality, or we are so attached to our own reality that we can’t acknowledge the validity to someone else’s reality. We think our reality is the “correct” one. But it’s impossible to actually see reality for what it is because everything is always getting filtered through our heavily biased and conditioned minds.
The key to freedom is to realize this, and start living your life embodying this truth. Start working with people instead of against them. Remind yourself that the only thing separating you and someone else from being completely understood and at peace with one another, is the failure to remember that we are all on the same page deep down. We all just have goggles glued to our faces that are distorting our vision.
Daniel , this is one of your best videos ever ! Thank you !!! btw I had to watch this twice as the message is excellent!!!
Interesting reflection. I tend to blame my parents because although they may have tried their best, my own suffering should have been sign enough - to somebody who "loved" me - that their relationship with me was causing me harm. As they were the adults, and as i was a dependent child, it was their responsibility to ensure that I was well cared for.
People are surprised when I say my parents should have never had me. My mom is a horrible person, and my dad is the most stupid person I know.
So true negligence is no excuse for bad parenting! “I did the best I could driving drunk behind the wheel”
Daniel, your videos are the most interesting videos on RUclips. Each one is insightful, well thought-out, and I always find some real "take-away information." You're doing great work!
you are the best Daniel!!! greetings from México!
I've thought about how aware my parents have been of the neglectful childhood they gave me. It's impossible to know. It seems my father was somewhat aware, cause he was very clever and subtle in his ways of hurting me. I doubt you could be that clever without using your conscious mind to some extent.
Being conscious in the moment in a certain state and keeping awareness of that prior state into the future isn't something that one can take for granted philosophically speaking. It's kind of interesting to think about. You could have different personalities going in and out of consciousness. Or several running in parallel, your current conscious state only being one of them. All you have is the moment and memories of the past, there is no guarantee of conscious continuity or singularity.
i recognize what you say.My dad was also subtle in his way of behaving. When i confronted him, he said: 'i did it for my own sake'.
I think a lot of adults try to escape taking responsibility for anything by saying, "oh, I didn't know I was causing harm".... I don't buy it. My parents knew and what's worse is they did not care if they hurt us or not AT THE MOMENT of the event. Taking their feelings out on us...come on, how can you not be aware?
Since my dad died in front of me, i have had some long talks with my mom. Found out more about my dad's upbringing. It gave me some better understanding. Quite strange finding out that you cared about someone more than you thought after they have died. My mom had me at 16 so i somewhat felt like i raised myself. Being in recovery from drugs and alcohol for 30 years, i have worked out quite alot. Know that there are some things that i can never talk to my mom or my brothers about. I remember plenty of good things and bad things. Drugs will wipe out many of the memories. I have no kids on purpose
Ignorance of natural law does not disculp you of morale fault
Ignorance of the state law, just makes it illegal, not necessarily immoral
This is so brave of you to say it’s such a controversial topic I still have trouble with this issue for myself and I see it in society. I have a physical and mental illness and still live with them because of that they support me so I feel that I can’t blame them or leave thanks you are like this fearless rebel
Can we let all serial killers out of prison? They did the best they could. They were traumatized themselves
Yes, as a society, we will someday understand and truly support one another so that we don’t have to lock traumatized people up who traumatize people. We will know how to prevent and do so much better as parents and communities. Stick around for it.
@@timb8652 prove it.
Absolutely wrecked. Couldn't have said it better.
Hi I have been on a very similar path of healing. I'm a Christian and started working on my past about two years before having a baby ( I was very thankful God led me in that direction.) I broke away from both parents and step parents and very glad I did (It was God or them and I chose God). But then the same things were happening with my husbands parents trying to make me feel bad for not going to family gatherings and so on. I insisted my time was my own and not be strong armed into obeying the family dynamics of control and submission. Now, my husband is feeling empowered to own his own time and space as well👍
Man
I really love your videos
You make realize so much things about life an see things differently.
Meh... my mom assaulted me because it made her feel powerful, she enjoyed it. I heard so many people say she did the best she could. When adults assault other adults they go to jail. When they beat their kids everyone says "they did the best they could". WTF.
Hmm, a very interesting connection/ comparison between this legal procedure and the situation with parents, daniel! Ultimately ofc, this statement doesn’t really help anyone heal (except for the parents to feel better about themselves), but I loved the way you thought it through and shared it here. You give excellent examples of journalling and making connections in seemingly very different ideas. Thank you for this vid! :)
okay, wow, this was a big one! I think children always say that because of the guilt as well, because they don't want to sound ungrateful, because society does not appriciate critiquing one's own parents and parents often say "no matter what we do for you, it's never enough". This video makes a lot of sense though.
And for many mums and dads, it was all so promising in the nursery with the pink little toes and the first glimpses at the unique personality they just brought into the world!
In my situation (CPTSD) raising offspring (6/8) alone, getting triggered by the teens' sneers, gaslighting, and triangulation, feel I'm Gas-lighting myself when I say, "don't take what they say personally."
When I'm describing to my therapist how my triggers to my teen's disgust end with me defending myself, she sides with me, but I know that I am supposed to the bigger, the leader. I cant teach by poor example. There's no matter of blabbing I can do if my teen feels disrespected or dumped upon because of my historical programming errors.
Back at my last session, I listen as she tells me, "You were doing the best with what you knew then. Now that you know you can move forward."
I wish I could believe this of my own mother, but the cruel things she intentionally did to spite and injure me blares, "THAT'S NOT TRUE" on repeat as I try to form it in a mantra.
Time for more deep introspection.
Thank you for these recordings. :)
That phrase is aggravating, a platitude that assuages the pain of feeling unloved.
Your musing aids my healing. I've had these internal conversations, but you've recorded yours! This is growth. Thank you for your view.
I absolutely have never thought my parents did the best they could.
I told my parents, on a daily basis, very clearly, what was going on. I did, my brothers did, my therapist did.
I gave my mother books, articles, documentaries.
I told her in good ways, bad ways, spoken, written, I was the one telling her, I had third parties telling her.
And yet, she still doesn't know, apparently. No, she knows. She just doesn't care. Because helping me is not her priority and that's the thing. My problem and her problem are two different things, yet she genuinely believes that my problem and her problem are the same.
My problem is her control/abuse. Her problem is my lack of compliance. Her problem is that her control/abuse isn't working like she wants to. That's the thing.
I have some unresolved trauma with my mother and her brothers, they are traumatized and of course they did nothing to resolve that trauma so it was passed on to me because i was the firstborn. Then they had their own children and went on to fucked them up less than me because they already had someone whom to pass all their frustration and trauma. Add a single mother and you get an entire life of gaslight. I have worked to resolve a lot of issues but this family dynamic is really exhaustive and more because even my therapist is like "well you have to understand that your mother blah blah". The only one who decided to break from the family cult got punished for it, you know he just got excluded. He decided to commit the horrible familiar crime of studying medicine. He's dead know, by the way, morphine overdose. So yeah family is great.
You nailed it man 100 percent. This happened to me
Although I was neglected and abused as a child, the thought of hurting or causing pain to my own child is almost too painful to bear. This realization is a compass for me when I assign responsibility to my parents for any damage done to me caused their actions or behavior. I didn’t have this realization because I’m special or a rocket scientist but because I have a genuine connection to my child and care about her and her life.
So, I don’t buy that they did the best they could. They did what was expedient for themselves and everyone else be damned.
The other thing that pisses me of as well is when you hear parents blaming it on their era , for example “that how kids were disciplined back then” what a cop out.
i don't buy that they just don't know.. in my experience these types of people have plenty of moments of awareness that they could have taken advantage of but don't because they're scared or lazy. no sympathy.
I can't believe these SAME ISSUES perpetuate through the decades. i've been talking about this stuff since the 70s.
I have always parroted this saying and had my parents say it to me. I don't remember much of my childhood and always thought that was normal until I became older. Thankfully with these realizations we can break the parenting patterns and not continue the abuse.
My mother just doesn't love me.
"Her best she could" is "her best she could at controlling me".
You don't control the people you love because love implies trust. You control the things you fear.
My mother doesn't love me; she sees me as her enemy (she sees everyone the same way).
"Are parents who harm their children insane?" QUALITY lyrical bars if i ever heard 'em
Just because it’s common, doesn’t make it right. In my experience, I could plainly see they had no interest in doing their best, with anything. As well as saying things while they were doing their worst like” if it was good enough for me, it’s good enough for you, your nothing special” I interpreted that as a verbal acknowledgment of their intention. They were consciously justifying their actions towards me and my siblings. When I hear that denial of reality “just accept they were doing the best they could” is a line in the sand for me. A line in the sand that says your head is in the sand and you put it there and you are currently driving it deeper and you need me to agree with you so you can feel better about choosing not to face things. This awareness was never more vibrant that’s when I had a child. Seeing him in developmental stages that creates situations and remembering what my parents chose to do for their convenience not my care. This statement is such a cop out.
Thank you Daniel!
I think we say that our parents did the best they could because we love our parents almost unconditionally, and have often been so wounded by them too. It’s far too painful to believe and know that they did not do the best they could, and so we say out loud and to ourselves that they did the best they could.
My parents did their best with providing, feeding and keeping me clean but mentally and psychologically they were absolutely appalling to the point that I had a nervous breakdown at aged 23 and ended up in mental hospital.
Maybe children should be raised collectively by state-trained therapeutic professionals until they're 12 years old.
I did the best I could as a son and brother and I have the psychic scars to prove it. Now I listen to Dan and it feels good.
This reminded me of a poem I wrote on generational trauma and insanity migrating from old to new generations:
"My great questions/Nutter"
Did my great grandparents do it?
Did they migrate my grandparents?
Were they really migrant parents?
Were they nuts? And did they do it?
Are my grated nuts granola?
Good old granny's grains are greatest.
Every nut got seeds migrated.
Ingrained habits are related.